Morning Good - Schizophrenic Disney Princess - Episode 17

Episode Date: March 22, 2021

Thanks to Chris and Derick for coming on the show and being funny people. Make sure to follow them both to see anything they have coming up.You can find Derick on Instagram @officiallyderickgonzalez, he also has an animated short out on YouTube called "Biggie the Turtle". Chris is on Instagram @chriskinback and TikTok @chriskinbackAs always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the Boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Every race. Then it goes to like, how young can I go? Yeah, because you need something. That also sounds like something a really racist guy would say. He's like, first they start having sex of black people, then they have sex with kids. I don't know

Yeah Nah you can't have sex with black people They're going to kids You're fucking too loose now That's a good point That's a very good point And that is where we're starting We're here with Derek Gonzalez

And Chris Kimback Hey what's up, what's up What's up? I'm just gonna copy everything, Derek Well that was the That was the funny thing I was trying to write a joke about it The only joke where I really do

In Asian accent I'm really bad at him so I decided like I definitely got to throw the joke away. Bring it back. Bring it back. But it's like, it's like black people are the one race that white people actually try to emulate. Like if you're from a black neighborhood, like a white guy will try to sound like black people. But like you'll never see like a white guy try to sound Asian like with the voice. Like how confusing would that be if you saw like a white guy.

It's like, it's where I'm from. Like I can't. It just sounds. If you can nail the accent, then I think it's like less offensive. But if you can't. The heroes and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not doing that way.

Just not as cool, me. Yeah, once they get a little cooler. But like, I don't know. But then black people sometimes like Asian culture, though. Oh, yeah. I've seen that. Yeah, yeah. We used to back in early 2000s, I used to see so many people like Chinese slippers.

What are those? Just Chinese slippers. Once it binds your feet? Yeah. No, they just regular slippers, but with like a Chinese design on it. And everybody used to wear it uptown. And, like, it was like a fad for like probably like a, a, yeah. and that's it.

But like, it was cool enough that people were just like, oh, I want to do it. I want to wear that shit. They're like appropriating Chinese culture. A little bit, yeah. Yeah.

I mean, who doesn't? But they, but we feed off of each other if you think about it. Like, we'll start wearing like formal gowns and they'll start wearing Supreme and shit. Like, Supreme's a black person thing?

Supreme is such a like a, like a black thing, but like not really anymore because like it was like kind of black like bathing ape and all that shit. And then just seeing a, like, then Asians hopped on it like like harder than us, or we're just kind of like,

this is you. This is you now, guys. Yeah, that's tough. There's a lot of them. So many Asians with bathing apen. I love it. I love it. Yeah, yeah, there are a lot. I feel like I'm in Harlem every time I walk through Chinatown. Somebody posted the worst thing. So like, obviously, the shooting happened and I hate that I have to say it's horrible. It's like, it is, you know what I mean? After every disaster, people are like,

who do you? Like, you should assume that I think it's horrible. You know what I'm just being like... You should be surprised when he's like, no, it was horrible. Oh, thank God. Yeah, I thought he was like, yeah, a piece of shit. But somebody posted, and I love this person, but they really fucked up with this, because they posted like Stop Asian Hate,

which were like, yeah, we're all on that same page. But they posted a picture of the shooter, and right above the picture, it says, not everyone going to the spas looking for a happy ending. And it has a picture to shoot. And it says, hashtag stop the Asian. I'm like, you have a positive message, but then the, that's like fucked up.

that's a good joke yeah but it's like it doesn't sound like it sounds like they're like not everybody's looking for a happy like it sounds like a cop movie or something and the font like it's the font is the exact same phone on like a dare shirt or something yeah and I'm like Jesus Christ like that that's yeah it is crazy that everybody thinks they need to like weigh in

on it yeah it's like yeah it's like yeah everybody knows it's a it's a horrible thing yeah you don't need to chime in with some hot meme about it. It's weird to me about something horrific that happened. That'd be like something making a 9-11 joke, like two days afterwards. Or like a meme, a meme. Because I understand jokes. Yeah.

Open mics, people have already been. Yeah, of course. I've seen people get after it. The one is like that I thought was kind of interesting. I was thinking about like because of the massage parlor, there's a lot of people probably that didn't want to be seen there. There's probably like a married guy and then he went there. and then it happened and then the cops come and cameras come

and he's just like fuck this is the worst day to get caught here. Then he has to sell it. Fuck it. You have to double down. I was... Or he was like, I was just walking down. I was like, he's like wearing... He's like, I wasn't here at all. It's open and shit. I was actually going to save the day. I ran in there like a fire so I had to wear, you know, what are you

wearing a fucking... Was this guy a customer at multiple places or he just did it at one at one spot? I don't know. I don't know. enough. I heard, though, that he... I think we should inform ourselves while we're doing this right now.

Yeah, that's the best way to do with this. And then every time we learn a new fact, we're like, oh. He looks fucking bad. Yeah. I know, really, I was like... We don't know for sure it was a hate crime, but just, look, it is definitely look.

It's kind of Tim Dillany from... The beard's not thick enough to be like... He looks like Moes. Like, what's the name, brother from... From the office? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, like, one of the poils from It's Always Sunny. Mm.

Yeah, he's, yeah, he's, uh, yeah. Yeah. What a great way to start. Of course, with lows. Yeah. Yeah. There's only highs from here. I wonder what his, uh, what his motive was.

I don't know. I mean, it's like, people said there were other massage parlors that he was like going to shoot up. So where is, where did this happen? Atlanta. Atlanta, Georgia. God, not New York. Yeah. We need, we need those massage parlors.

Yeah. Yeah. No. Do you think they're on strike right now? I don't know. wonder. You know it's the funny thing? Not that's not funny, but like, someone's just like, hey,

make sure you just like call your Asian friend and be like, yo, check on them see if they're okay. That's so weird. It's weird, but I just called my Chinese food restaurant. I'm like, aye. No, that's the thing is like, anyway. The George Floyd thing happened, like, I remember one of my, this white girl I knew she hit up my black friend.

She's like, hey, do you know any black owned businesses I could chop at? And he's just like, I don't know. I don't know. You know what's funny? I only got like three. hey, you good? You good about these protest things? And I'm just like, yeah, I'm a-

I asked one person I'm surviving. I asked one person there's something I can do. But that's what I, I almost posted this meme that was like a little too far. And then they were like, do not post that meme. It was Tori Huggins. I was like, should I post it?

I was like, do not post that meme. I want to know. Well, it wasn't even like, I was like, it was gonna be one of those, you know those memes were like, nobody and then something. Oh, yeah. It was gonna be nobody.

And then corporations right now. And it was from getting to the Greek where he's like, trapped in me. There's a little African child. But it's like I'm making fun of that. I'm not making it. You're making fun of the major corporations.

But he was like, it wasn't like the day of. It was like two weeks later, but Torrey Huggins was still like, nah, I was like, but what should I be doing? He's like,

you know, just be cool. If not memes, what else is there? It's true. Yeah, I'm not full black so I don't get the full like, you know, everybody doesn't come to me saying,

like, oh, this is how you? I mean, well, you're Afro Latina, but like, very, You're blacker than... Yeah, Latino. I was gonna say white. I'm a very white.

Not, but like, I don't get the full thing about like, oh, they don't... Everybody doesn't always come to me about the thing, but I have like... I know what I look like, so I'm very educated about the whole thing. I just inform other people about it instead of just trying to reap the benefits or shit, because that's weird. Yeah, yeah. Trying to reap the benefits at like, oh, shit happening. You're like, yeah, come here, give it to me.

It was like that ESPN announcer, Mike Toriko is like Italian. Yeah. But people assume he's black Because he has like all black features And people And he's spoken at like black events Yeah And he's like hey just so you know

I'm not black but I'll do I'll say what like you need me to say And they're like yeah yeah just say Just say the thing anyway And he's like all right So he's cashed in on like a bunch of stuff He's like is this what we're He's like I'm Italian

He's probably Sicilian or such shit Yeah That's so funny That's weird This is people that are born With some people that are mixed don't look black or white. Like McKenzie,

he doesn't look black or white. You end up looking Arab or Hispanic. Yeah, yeah. I know another friend who looks totally white, like maybe Hispanic, but yeah. It's a very weird thing because then they're the ones we're always looking at them like, oh, you're going hard because of this.

But they're just like, I just want to be a part of it. Yeah, yeah. It's very weird. Did we ever find out? It was Sean King was his name? Yeah. Not Sean Kingston. Sean Kingston, definitely black.

Sean King is definitely black and he's Sean King is what the Black Lives Matter guy? Yeah, Sean King's the black. He's not black? No one knows what the fuck he is. Even black people are just kind of like, and like, like, we don't like mysteries. How did he get so high in the rank?

I think he's been, I think he was been playing through the white side and just kind of like, I'm black and they're like, yeah, you are, you are, you are? And then like, real black people start coming like, yo, he's like, yo, he's trying to give us proof of shit, but he's not. That means he's got, and then the leader of the proud boys is a black guy.

Really? Yeah, he's like black or his spanker. He's half a person. He's me. He's me. He's me. He's me. I'm the leader of proud boy.

He is me and I am. Yeah. That's got to be so confusing when they have like a face off and you're like, wait, which guy is for which group? So what is his, how does he make money? I think he's just siphoning money off the, I don't know because when people ask for donations, I expect them to siphon money off. Of course. I don't expect everybody to donate everything out, like outright unless it's go fund me. We got to our salaries.

Go fund me. Go fund me. Go find me go straight into your account, apparently. That's what I heard. But any side of you, that's it. that's like, oh, donate to this website. I feel like there's a little bit off the top. Of course.

If he's able to finagle his way up to the top of that. This guy kind of looks like Leo. Sean King, right? No, no, the Proud Boys guy. The Proud boy, he doesn't like Leo. He doesn't like Leo. But like, if you saw him facing off, him against Sean King, you'd be like, I don't know who's on which side.

Honestly, I'll start playing some Spanish music and see who dances first. Oh, well, when you see his eyes, he looks pretty Hispanic. Yeah, he looks like a baseball player. What are you talking about? He looks pretty Hispanic. No, I'm saying like he could be, he could be, like, with the sunglasses,

he could be black, like light skin. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What, uh, that's a hilarious picture. He looks so much like he saw, like, one war movie. Looks like a Vietnam, like captain or some shit. Yeah, yeah. What's the perfect mix that you would want to be?

White. I'm just kidding. I want white with white. With a dash of white. If I could be lighter, I'd be lighter. Yeah. If I could be less than Irish. Yeah.

That's lighter than Irish. You know what's funny? I would definitely want some sort of. Yeah, maybe like... The pale-less white people are always the quietest to me. Like, I never, like, they never really popped out too much, you know what I mean? Yeah. They're just kind of chill.

Yeah. I don't know why. I don't know too many super hyped. Yeah, right? White dudes. Super hype, like pale, white dudes? Yeah, like, pale. Like, you guys aren't pale, but you guys have the energy.

I'm like, all right, cool. It's like something black about you. Oh, nice. Thank you. Do you really mean it? No. God damn it. I've never really seen

a really truly hyped up pale person. They're always very like... I don't know. I've seen some like crackhead regnakey types. Yeah, but that's because of the crack. Yeah.

The crack made them that pale. But then also, I don't know, a lot of homeless people have like really good tans. Like white homeless people have like the best. And you know, it's almost hard to tell

like if they're Hispanic or not. White people are just like, not that's affecting whether I give them money or not. But, my favorites I saw one guy at an open mic and you may have been there

the guy was he had a jar of peanut butter and he was drinking out of it and he's like yeah there's beer in here so it doesn't look suspicious it looks like you're drinking peanut butter which looks even worse yeah and he was pretending to be in a wheelchair too he definitely was not

he could walk and everything he has actual conversation like he'll go man damn and he goes so what we need to do actually donate money and like you're like what the fuck is this guy I remember he's been around that area since like forever.

I remember he was on McDougal area. I was walking around. He started yelling. It was February. I was like, hey, don't yell at me. It's Black History Month. Yell at these white people.

And I walked away. And then he did exactly what I said. The moment a white person came by, he went, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the black person walked by he's like, hey, you're cool, man. Man?

That sounds really good. I used to have a homeless chick near me that was legit, like, hot. She was, like, skinny. She was canned. And, yeah, if she wasn't on track, she was. Probably not.

You're probably in her 30s. Wow. Yeah, I mean, it's tough to, I mean, you're not going to be fat if you're homeless. Where's this homeless girl? No, but I did see one guy that. I'm not going to lie. It was in Boston. I saw one guy that was like 300 pounds.

And he held high side that said, I'm starving. And I'm like, maybe use different words. It does not look like you're starving. I don't know. I say I need nutrients or some shit. But yeah, they're out there. I mean, especially like newly homeless. If you can get a chick that's like newly homeless, that's one you want.

That's a good. Good setup. Like, I got a house. They're like, I have a mouth. This seems like a perfect match. How valuable you are to them. Oh, yeah. It's the beginning of a Fox show.

He's a house. He's a house. He has a house. She hasn't malice. This fall. It's raining. He's like, is it cold out there? I'll give you a place to stay.

This fall, unzip your pants. Yeah, I don't know how people survive. in places like this being in the winter time right yeah well i don't i don't uh i don't know why they don't that's why l.a is so hot it's so popping yeah they have caravan to show and they like they have better rules out there too i think you can just like set up a tent anywhere yeah yeah yeah have you been to skid row it's fucking nuts it's like just blocks and blocks of homeless and home but it's like tents and everything that's yeah yeah yeah how did they not all get covid and shit or they did they just Yeah, they just don't know.

Yeah, they're like, if you give code, I don't know, it's one of those things that like, if you die with a syringe in your arm, I don't think they test you for COVID. I think they're probably just like this. They just assume you have it. They're like, yeah, count it as a COVID. Well, it was last year. They'd be like, that's a COVID death. Now they're just like, maybe.

Yeah. Yeah. It depends who's president. I'm like blown away why I haven't had it. Dude, I went to a funeral and a wedding last week. Yeah. Both indoors. Funeral and a wedding?

Yeah. Back to back. Same time. Yeah. I had to like run from one to the other. No, they're in the same building. The lady's like, do, I do, I do. It was like, and guys, this is the grandfather.

Yeah. But I did have to give a speech to both of them, which, I got it, I didn't mix those up. Yeah. When did you start drinking? The bride's a whore. At the wedding? Well, I did like my 30 days and then I drank the weekend before because I went snowboarding. Oh, yeah.

I forgot you were stopped drinking. But I mean, at the funeral wedding. Which was first? The funeral. The funeral, and then the next day I flew to the wedding. It was like the wedding weekend. So, like, Wednesday was a funeral. And then Friday was the rehearsal dinner for the wedding.

And, yeah. But it was, like, a party funeral. So, like, we buried him. Is this to say, like, fucking, or New Orleans or something shit? What do you mean? New Orleans, they have, like, party funerals all the time. Like, they do, like, marching people. Well, this guy just wanted this.

Because I drove him to a different, I'm not saying he wanted. That was also a joke the whole weekend. We're like, this is what he would have wanted. Just because you guys wanted that? Yeah, everybody's like, dude, he would want us to get hookers and joke. Exactly what he would have wanted You're getting a dick's like a Shout out to Tom

Yeah But I drove him to a different funeral He's like dude I'm on my funeral to be a fucking party And it was Like we buried him And the guy running it was like Now what we're gonna do

Is party like he would have wanted And they're like Ah Jesus Yeah It's so weird Yeah What was the family We got drunk with him too

Yeah His mom was like This is what he would have wanted Yo I want my mom to be that cool bro Yeah Yeah I mean it's your life last wish. I mean, you kind of got to be like,

yeah, yeah. You can't, like, not do that. You can't be like, no. And I assume he was partying when he died. Yeah, yeah, he overdid it. Yeah. What are you gritting about it? It's okay. Fucking party monster. I mean, I can't imagine the wedding can live up to that. The wedding was

rest of peace, court, I love you, but the wedding was a little more fun if I'm being honest. Oh, okay. No, no, no, no. It was actually, I don't know. It was almost tied. Like, I almost had just as much fun. both of them. I mean, obviously, like, the funeral, like, you're like, I cried. I gave a speech. And then, like, I was talking to people were like, I heard you're a comedian. I was like, yeah. Like, I could really tell in your space. I was like, there's no way. I was like crying and

hyperventilating. They were like, good timing. Well, the fact that you were just standing up there was probably more than. We're confident. 90% of the room could do. Yeah, yeah. It was like, he really wants stage time. Yeah. He'll fucking do anything. Did you miss me? Did you slip in a joke in either one of the speeches? Yeah, both of them. Well, I had a lot of jokes in my best man speech because my brother's wedding.

And I was so happy because I fucking crushed it because I was like, dude, if I bomb in front of my whole family, I'm going to look like a fucking idiot. Oh, yeah, definitely. Yeah. But that's the real. They want nicotine. Oh, I like Zinn pouches. Yeah. Are these Zinn?

They're like Zin. Yeah, actually, I need a piss, but you guys keep talking about my friend who passed away. Yeah. Yeah. I think he was kind of cool, but like sometimes he used the N-word with a hard art. No, he's cool. Was he from Florida? Then he definitely.

Yeah. Oh, well, then in that case. I only been, I went to a couple funerals. I don't think I've ever, I haven't been to a friend funeral yet, even though I want to, so bad. Yeah, I mean, I've been out here and it'll happen soon enough. Although, if it didn't happen during COVID, I mean, that was the time. That was when everybody was, uh. I haven't had a friend that got COVID and then be like, oh, it's hurting.

So, like, I can't go to their other funeral. So, man. Yeah, fucking sucks. Hey, it'll We'll have our fun eventually. I would like to go to a fun funeral. I've never experienced that. Yeah, I've been to sad ones, and the sad ones are okay.

But I'm like so sociopathic, low-keyed, like where I just can't really cry on, like, I can't really cry on the man and shit. I can't either. I have a tough time. I do, you don't need to, but I do. Because I'm a pussy. Yeah, the exact same.

I don't know what the fuck of Zem pouch is. But I love going back to Ford, you. People were doing coke off of guns. It's very exciting. That's pretty cool. What is the shit? It's like, it really became, I mean, it's always been kind of a wild place, but during this, it became like, it's an awesome place. People are like, okay, maybe them in Texas are doing it right and everybody else is fucking up.

Yeah, Florida is the new Westworld. Yeah. Everybody's just like, you're going to love the experience. Just like murdering somebody. My friend told me to go to Florida with him and then he's like, yo, when you come down here, you can use one of my AKs and we'll shoot boars. I was like, the fucking thing. He's like, then we'll make sausages out of him. I'm like, that sounds delightful.

amazing. I'd love to do something like that. At what point do Florida and Texas just become their own thing? Dude, there's only a couple states in between if they fucking... It's going to be the weird Confederate states. We're like, we're not with that old shit. We're about drinking now and going to the beach, but we're going to protest. If there's ever another pandemic, we're not

shutting down. We're going to fucking part. I would actually like that. Yeah, then people will be like, all right. That's something I can get by. You had like Hawaiian Confederates. Like, it's a different, it's a new thing. Somebody had a great joke. They said, I was talking to this comic in Florida and he was saying, like, he's a black guy. And he's saying like, What NASCAR should have done is instead of banning Confederate flags,

he should have had a fee, and the fee goes to Black Lives Matter. So you're like, if it's not racist, prove it right here. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a smart-ass move. Yeah. That's a joke or like an actual plan that he's... It seems like a plan. It seems like a plan.

It was like, I don't know. It was a joke down there. Everywhere up north is like, you, that's a fucking good idea, man. Yeah, everybody down there was like, ha-ha, good joke. We're not getting rid of it. Oh, man. But, yeah, I mean, those places. I went down to Austin a couple times during this, and it was, like, amazing.

Oh, I'm sure, yeah. Yeah. I got to go back for another Bachelor party. Oh, fuck, yeah. There we go. Yeah, I mean, I don't know, though. Bachelor parties are old. I assume you've been to the bunch of a lot of money.

I planned one. I fucking, it was great. I wrecked my life. I wrecked other people's lives. It was. I might need you to plan this. That's the party to help out. one, man. Dude. I might need you to wreck my life

real quick. My life has been in a shit hole for the last week and I have. Yeah. How did you wreck your life? So, like, I went way too hard and then, like, it was one of those two where, like, I went to the bachelor party, I hadn't slept for days, and then my friend died right when I got back. And it was like a fucking, like, it was like a finishing move, you know, like, immortal combat where I was like, Dazed, and just like, finish him.

And my mental health was just like, who bha! And, um, yes, I just didn't sleep at all and I drank a bunch. Like, I kept hacky-sacking my hangover the next day. Like, I'll be like, that's fine. I'll just start straight. And like, if you are drunk for like four days straight, like it's not, you can't. You can't. You can't No, and I was like, oh, I'm drinking water, Bob, which isn't

it's doing fucking nothing. Yeah. And I had to get two IVs, like, of water and vitamins, was still hungover for like multiple. I don't think I was such hung over, but I was like physically dehydrated. And two people on the trip had hallucinations because they were so dehydrated. That's beautiful. You guys just didn't believe in water while you were out there. You did, but like, when you're in, like, the Florida Sun and you're drinking these like fruity ass sugary drinks and you're just like, drinking like absurd amounts it's not

you're pissing all your nutrients yeah first time out of the house in a while for a lot of people probably yeah well not everybody was living for there so they didn't really yeah but um yeah it was fucking nuts I just spent so much money did so much dumb shit just back to back to bed and every morning

I was like I'm gonna be better and then just that's a fucking lot well now I'm looking forward to this batch of probably oh yeah yeah also you're in a relationship yeah then it's for you it's for you you go to the strip clubs get crazy. It's not for... That's a...

Somebody at the Bachelor Party was like that, though, they're like, dude, like, this isn't for your brother, okay? This is for us. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because, like, my brother was not the one going the hardest. There's just people that were, like, married or, like, in a relationship, they're like, yeah, we're good. Right. He's already made the decision. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He's like, this is my weekend to black out with the boys.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. I wish I was in a relationship right now so we could have a, like, yo, my bitch, my bitch, my bitch. Be doing it. Yeah, women. Let's talk about dudes. Yeah. I like hanging out with the boys.

Think about hot dudes. I broke up with a girl and I had to run away from her. Really? How to physically run away from her? Why? Because she kept on holding all. Like, maybe I broke up with a girl and like she holds on. She's like, no, we can make this work.

Let her, like, we're walking for a while. I don't think anybody cares about me that much. Okay, bad. Yeah, that's been a while. Well, I am cared for. And I told her, hey, if I break off, if I break off, If I break out of you right now, I'll start walking for real, you won't catch up. And I started walking for real, and she caught up multiple times.

So then at one point, we're leaving, we're going back from Brooklyn to her place. And I'm like, I'm getting tired of it. I'm like, no, we're broken up, broken up. And then I was just like, you know what? Boom, I broke out. And I started running. And she was kind of running after me in heels. And I looked back at her.

And like, you know how LeBron is trying to do a chase down block? He does those extra big steps. He gets faster. I did those. And I was fucking out of there, bro. I fucking booked it on her. And, you left her on the streets. Yeah, and I can hear, like, yeah!

And I'm just like, fuck. And ever since then, my week's been fucking shitty. Yeah. You can't go back now, though. I can't go back, but I also got my cardio on for the week, so I'm good. I'm good. I'll try to get cardio at randomly. Like, in between mics, I'll wear, like, sweatpants and stuff and just, like, go for a little run.

I thought you were going to say, like, you box your girlfriend. Yeah, just fight my girlfriend, yeah. She does that Captain America. No, we're not from Boston. We don't do that. You haven't lived. Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I've seen arguments like that in the street, but I've never actually been a part of one, but it's good to know that.

It's so much worse. It's good to know somebody that was. It's so much worse when your girlfriend's white and from Staten Island. Oh, I was going to guess her nationality. I was not going to guess white. We said he outran her, so. Yeah. She wasn't Kenyon.

I would have never left. But she's from Staten Island. She was loud as shit. Just making a scene. I was like, fuck. This is horrible. If she caught you. you would have been, fuck.

Yeah. What do you think she would actually hit you? Or just, like, held on to you? I think she would have held on to me more. Probably. I'm like, she caught me. She caught me from fucking running. She was always trying to run away.

She said to her. She's like, no, come back here. She would have been Pepe Lepeu. That seems slavish. Now that I immediately said that, I'm like, that doesn't seem. Come back here, boy. How long were you guys together? Probably, like, four months.

Oh. So. What did you guys break up over? It's a lot of, like, apparently she doesn't like. it when I, like, well, she didn't like it when I followed girls off at, like, shows and shit like that or, like, they followed me and so like that. So I was like, I'm in comedy. Yeah.

And, uh, showbiz, baby. Yeah, but like, sometimes I got to fuck other women. I really do like having a lot of followers because in this industry, people look at your followers and be like, oh, he has this many followers. Me and I think we're telling us, my girlfriend, our rules, I can definitely have people follow me on Instagram. It's like, and I follow people, like, there's some people that are like, they happen to be Instagram, like, people that post booty pics, but I'm like, this person

follows me, so I follow him back, because I got to keep my followers. She's cool with that, like, as long as I'm not, like, DMing. Yeah, that's what I wasn't doing. I wasn't DMing them, but then, like, she was just called. The first time it happened with this one girl. You just don't follow a single guy. It's just all, like, girls are the only fans. Yeah.

There's some guy that, I know one guy who, like, he's like, I don't follow any guys on Instagram. There's somebody like that. He's like, it's gay. I like, I like, it's gay. I'm like, oh, well, you want me to put a little heart. Then you set the tone for anybody that gets involved with you. It's like, hey, this is my life. Yeah.

You're signed up for this. But that's the only part With Instagram Like when you like so When you're DM and somebody Have a conversation You can only heart things So there are some guys that I kind of know

But I don't know enough to I want to love their thing Even like you Like I know you somewhat But I'm like I feel weird loving Chris's thing They added more emojis now So it doesn't seem kind of like Like you know gay

Doesn't seem kind of gay anymore I love it all So I put like smiley face and all that shit But that's kind of even more gay But like you know Sometimes I give him a wink And it's like you went through the effort to not be gay, which is...

But honestly, it gives me more chance to, like, say, like, doing, like, weird gay shit, but then it's, like, well, the bit and it's funny. Just like, yo, I fucking hate it when you, like, guys, all he'll, I'm like, I put a fucking wink face emoji. I'm like, yeah, this is fucking good. How freeing is it to now be able to do whatever, follow whoever you want?

Still the same. You were just doing that before. Yeah, but now it's kind of just like, now I have no one yelling at me, and I kind of messed these yelling. It feels weird, right? It kind of feels weird. It kind of feels weird. Because, like, I... Yeah, it wasn't really into relationships that much. So I was usually just being,

out in the streets fucking bitches and shit. Yeah, yeah. Reach. Yeah, this is my first one. And it's going well. I like it. You guys smile at each other and shit. I'd be like, yo, this thing is in love.

Yeah, no, it's fun. You all just missed her. But the living together shit's kind of, I don't know, just like the little, people are like, oh, it's going to be weird because it's masturbating. I just tell it all the time, like, I'm going to go masturbate in the other room. Really?

Yeah, a lot of people don't do that. Or I'll do it next to her, but like, I won't let her see it. You don't want to. I'll do it directly. next to her, yeah, I don't know. You make her watch? No. Can she get involved?

Pretend you're an intern. Yeah. No, well, I always have to, like, fake the porn I watch when I'm around here, though. I'm like, yeah, I was just watching this sex positive point. No, no. Super normal. Nothing weird about it. These are nine binary people fucking each other.

What would she do if she saw, like, the real porn you were watching? She'd just be, yeah. Okay. Like, she wouldn't be... Look down upon you? Not really, but, like, I don't know if you see, like, girl porn, but it's, like, so, like, Yeah, touchy-feely.

Well done. They're kissing and stuff. And I watch, like, weird. I watch stuff it's all over the place. Does she watch porn? Uh, yeah. Not what I'm talking to do.

Yeah. That's cool. You don't have to go in death. I just think that's cool, man. Yeah, yeah. No, I want to go in depth. I just like, I want to know what he does.

That is the annoying part about the relationship stuff with being in comedy because there's so much shit you want to talk about. But you can't. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Because sometimes it's like, all right, this is, this would be a problem, but like, Yeah, all the time I'd be like, dude, I did this crazy shit happen to me with this girl I'm having sex with my girlfriend. And then I'm like, now everybody knows who she is. And she's like hanging out with people and they're like, you're like, oh, it was another girl I was having sex. Yeah, I was cheating on my girlfriend.

Yeah, no, there's no. There's no winning with that. None at all. Yeah, what kind of porn do girls watch? Like, what website do girls go to to watch porn? They go to Pornhub, but it's like, somebody posted it dumb and shit. I hate when people complain about porn out. Like, somebody posts it like, they're like, oh, there's, okay, that sounds weird that I'm complaining that people are complaining about.

job porn on there. But like there's, out of any porn site, there's like, well, they got like one, could people uploaded their own. And then it was like, then people were like, this is Pornhub's fault. I'm like, dude, that's like blaming, like, you know what I mean? It's like, it's not, they try to take it down and stuff. And somebody was like, these credit card companies are like

to blame? Or like, not working with Pornhub because this. And I was like, I don't know. It's not like they uploaded it, though. It's not like a Pornhub presents. Yeah, exactly. Children. You can, uh, you can upload your own porn to Pornhub. Yeah.

And then if it gets popular, you can make money off it. I don't know. I think they have a donation. They got a tip jar. Really? Like a Patreon? Yeah. Yeah, I guess if you're going to do that at that point, why not just do like an only

fans or something like that? Yeah, but like sometimes you do it for the art, bro. You're ballsy enough to, yeah, just to love of the game. You think I got into comedy to try and make money? You're like Pornhub has given me enough. It's time I give them something. Yeah. Yeah.

My best work. I think if I was going to do porn, I'd do like, the weird. weird stuff just because you can wear like a leather mask and nobody will have any idea who you are. That's true. Yeah. You probably get paid more also to get like Pete on and stuff. I think, maybe. I don't know.

Yeah. That's what I wonder if they find people that are into that or if they're just like, you're like, it's Friday, Friday. We're shooting the cold shower scenes. I think the best ones are like the ones where they don't expect that happening and then the girl ends up like liking it. She's in shock and then she goes, and like I guess because the camera's on. So she's like not trying to be mean. But I think afterwards she has a very stern talking to him. It's just like, that was not cool

when you pissed directly on my face. He's like, I know I won't do it again. I'm sorry. A lot of, have you guys done any of the, any only fans during this? No, my girlfriend's not cool with that at all. Really? I clicked on one of friends just to like, see,

I was like, what's going on? Because you could see what they post. And I was just curious. I was like, oh, what, like, I don't want to, I'm not going to watch the videos, but I was just going to see, like, the titles. Yeah, I was like,

because you can look at the titles on only fans. Because some people also post comedy stuff. And I was like, oh, it was, person actually has an only fans. And my girlfriend's all, she's like, you never have it only. And I'm like, I wouldn't, because like that makes her uncomfortable.

But I also like, in theory, I don't think it's that bad. Like, if you pay for porn, you're just paying directly to the person. It's not because you sound like you have some. It's weird when you know the person. No, I haven't, but people in Boston comics,

some of them have done it. Yeah. Some chick Boston comics. I don't know if any New York comics got into it. And then a couple people would like subscribe to there. Yeah. Oh, do you see who subscribes though?

Because it's kind of weird. I don't think so. I think they did it. anonymously and then you can you can like screenshot. It'd be hilarious of a female comic put like as $5 and someone's just like oh I'll put $5 down

but they don't want to do the mic like $5 dollars like but you paid for fucking this bitch is shit. Yeah that's the way it would be weirder if you could see who saw it because then you're just seeing some guy like smile at an open mic when you're on stage like that guy definitely just saw my pussy.

But you gotta know if you did it only fans guys are going to figure it out of course and they're going to send it around and everybody's seen me. Yeah. Pretty much. Everybody's.

Because comics are cheap. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, people made big money off. Yeah. But I think it's one of those where like you make big and then, but then it's going to get so saturated that you're going to make like nothing off it. Because like when everybody first had them, it was like huge. But then I think it's like now everybody's like, oh, everybody in my office has one.

So I'm going to pay. It's supply and demand. And then it's like a weird market where I think you can kind of like, I don't know. I definitely would still invest in it. I don't give a fuck. Oh, that's the only fan. It's stock. Yeah.

It's actually not a bad idea. I invest in that in Bitcoin. Those are the two things. This is the two things that are pandemic proof. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, it is, I mean, it's crazy when people, it's weird. Like, porn is one thing, but when you know the person in the porn, then it just becomes so much more.

But I feel like that more. Like, oh, this is show and stuff around the street. You're like, oh, this is. Yeah. That's why your girlfriend wouldn't like it. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. And it becomes real.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like when virtual reality becomes a thing. and we can start, like, you can just start banging whoever you want in virtual reality. Yeah. That's going to be hard. Like, bang all your girlfriends' friends. Yeah, you could probably like,

there's already apps, I'll be honest. Yeah, the deep fakes and shit. Yeah, I'll be honest. I've done that before. Put a girl's face on this and like, yeah. Yeah, it was my girlfriend, but still, I had to angle it. I couldn't do, like, weird angle. Then it looks like somebody else is having sex with there.

If it's a weird, it has to be POV. Yeah. But, yeah. Yeah, it's going to get too real. Yeah, it's very disturbing. And then it's like, what's cheating at that point? Like, if porn wasn't cheating before, if we could just keep moving that market a little further up.

You're like, what's the closest thing? I just want to do a finger in the pussy. I feel like, that's not cheating. When we get to that point, that's why I'm going to be... But it's also like... Different rules. That's the whole rule. It's like, what is cheating to that person?

Because everybody has ridiculously different rules. Yeah. Oh, yeah, but like, speaking of people, like, a girl that went to school with me is a porn star now. She's in the top 100 last. I'm like I check. Her name is Victoria June. It's like Rolling Stone. What list? This is a Pornhub Top 100 thing? I don't know.

One of these top one hundreds. But the fact that she's on top 100, I'm like, she's doing something right. Yeah. She got a decent resume. Yeah, she got a decent resume. And I looked, I never fully watched her videos. I watched the fucking. Did you come too fast? Is that why I hear? No, I just don't, I don't want to see her fuck for some reason. Also, like, she doesn't look the same because she has plastic surgery done. She's just like a different person. And like, her name is like, I'm like, bitch, you are Dominican? I don't know why you took away your

Dominican-ass name because no one understood it. But yeah, I wanted to see her, like, I wanted to see her start fucking, and I saw a couple scenes. I'm just like, nah, it's not good. I don't like it. Yeah, there's too much fake going on, and it's like too much makeup, too many filters and shit. I'll see you at the high school reunion, Victoria.

Yeah. Well, that's right. I do like porn where the girl looks somewhat like next dory a little bit. Yeah. Like, sometimes when it's just like huge fake tits and she just, I want it somewhat attainable. It's the fucked up lips for me. I don't like the fucked up lips. Like if they have like too much like a filler and shit I'm like no it's not it's not a real bitch

Yeah Yeah I was talking to some guy I don't know the suicide rate for them is like very high For porn search right? Yeah yeah But I don't know if that's just because like Well the way we treat it in society Or if that's just because people that sometimes are fucked up do porn

Yeah their past I think was probably pretty Yeah Checkered Is that for guys too or just chicks I think for guys It's like 100% than happiness right? Never been better.

But the guy's depressed for something else, and the girls are always depressed are like, oh, I don't know what the fuck they're being depressed for. Because it's got to be hard to find a boyfriend after that, I assume. No, no, no, no, I'm not saying that. Fuck that. Guys are disgusting enough to be like, oh, you got 100 dicks slapping your face compilation. Oh, I'm a wife few. I'm not, yeah, guys are still gonna fucking, somebody's gonna walk that girl.

I could definitely date somebody that did new modeling, like, playboy stuff. I don't care. But it would be hard to, like, I don't think I could date somebody that, like, got fucked on camera a bunch. Yeah, because then you'd be like, you'd want to not watch it, but you would watch it. You'd be like, yeah, yeah, I'm fine with it.

And then you'd just like, and she's like, this is the best dick I've ever been fucked by ever. My boy. No one's gonna top this. We're gonna tap it. I'm gonna tap it.

That would be a lot of pressure. Even being a guy porn star, would be a lot of pressure, I think. Yeah, if they ever had meltdowns. It's like crying, but they're so hard. They're like, you guys are putting so much pressure. me and sometimes

I just want to act but sometimes it's not only about fucking the scene I wrote the script myself like okay we don't give a shit I like that you're not an artist

that's the type of girl I fuck the one that have the production crew and everything but she's like if it's all filming like a Nokia phone I don't want that bitch I don't think you could film

on a Nokia phone I think they've advanced to that I look at the granny I watch the grany as a grainy porn bro that's my life those are the best times

oh one thing I want to talk about before I forget I had the weirdest reaction. So I was barking for my show, which got canceled. But Congrats, by the way. Thank you. Thank you. Great outcome. You got to do it more. Well, I guess you only do it. I only much for like once and then

got canceled. It was awesome. Because I was out of town for the two weeks that it was going on. But the fucking I'm saying, I was giving out flyers. And so black man walks up to me. He's like, is Chris Brown on the show? And I was like, like, Chris Brown. I thought you talked about like the comments. Do we know. I go, oh, no, but I know me. He's a great guy. He goes, you know Chris Brown? I go, yeah, yeah. Of course I know Chris Brown.

He goes, are you messing with me? I was like, no. goes, oh my gosh, he goes, can you please tell him to meet me on Bowery Street? And I was like, yeah, sure. I was like, we're talking with the same Chris Brown. I was like, light skin black guy, he's like, yeah. And he's like, he's like, tattoos all the way up to his neck. And I was like, no, no, no, I was like, are you thinking about the singer Chris Brown? He goes, no. And then he just named movies that the singer Chris Brown was in. And I was like, dude, you're thinking of the singer, and we're just, it's just a

weirdest conversation. The guy's just like, nah, you don't, are you sure you know him? I was like, no, I don't know the singer Chris Brown. I was like, do you know the singer Chris Brown? He goes, not yet. And I was like, what the fuck? I was like, but he was so calm, too. That's so weird for somebody's like calm and that crazy where they're just like... Calm and crazy, you have to just be calmer.

Yeah, yeah. That's New York one-on-one. Just like, be calmer and just be like, don't make subtle movements. Yeah, because he's gonna freak out. It's like a bear. But I was like, did this guy think, first off, he thinks that Chris Brown

is doing local stand-up comedy. And then he was just gonna invite him to meet him on Power Street and, like, think that they would get to know each other. And that was gonna be his first interaction with Chris Brown. He's like, meet me on Bowery Street. He told him to meet me here.

How did he know that Chris Brown he saw a flyer or something? No, no, no. So he just randomly asked me. He doesn't know Chris Brown on the comedian. He literally just asked me if I knew Chris Brown, the singer. Now, he didn't say he was a singer.

He thinks that Chris Brown, the singer, because he acts in a couple movies, he thinks he also was doing stand-up comedy around town. And he thought that... He's just the weirdest, like, fucking logic. Yeah. I don't get it. Because I was like, if I knew Chris Brown, first off,

what are the fucking chances he just want to meet you? And he's just like, he was like, and it's just so funny that like a middle-aged man is like obsessed with Chris Brown in this weird way where he's like, I love Chris Brown. You'd be surprised how many people fucking love Chris Brown. I love his music.

I'm not gonna lie, I do fuck with the five more hours will just get in style. I like his music, but like that's just weird to like think he has a stand-of-comedy career and then like invite him. And you're also just asking a random fucking person. Yeah. Like, I have nothing.

I don't look like an agent or anything. I'm just some guy handing out flyers. He's like, do you know Chris Brown one of the most famous? What's that? You look like an agent yesterday. Well, this is a couple weeks ago. I know, but that.

Yes, what was my suit? Every fucking time. Every fucking hilarious. Every time we're a tie, dude. Like, I get fucking just roasted. People don't know what to do with like. Comics. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, what's happening? Yeah. Rain just like short circuits. Anytime you see someone wear and not like fucking shitty stuff. Yeah. They're like, what's why you look like Timmy Turner's dead. Yeah. They're like, is everything okay?

You think you are. Yeah. Oh, man, that guy's also fucking retarded. And I heard of the same guy, the same guy about the Chris Brown story. He's dumb as fuck. But I also heard of somebody on stage talking about Chris Brown and started disrespecting him. And somebody out of the audience is like, who the fuck are you to talk about Chris Brown? He's just like, yo, what the fuck?

And the guy had a conversation real quick. He's like, why is Chris Brown this important in your life? Yeah, yeah. At that point, you really have to understand people's mindset Like, yo, why is this a person affecting you so much Where you're bursting out loud In front of a comedy show? He's got passionate fans, Chris Brown.

Yeah. That guy's amazing. Even when he beat up Brianna, I remember a lot of people were like, yeah. I feel like Chris Brown. Yeah. So many girls were like, oh, but he's so hot. That's the funniest thing to me when people try to say They're like, well, obviously, like, there are women that can kick my ass.

People are like, no, on average, I've had this teacher. She's like, women are not weaker than men on average. I'm like, then why do we all agree it's horrible that Chris Brown beat up Rihanna? Like, we agree. Yeah. This was bad because he's, like, you know what I mean? Like, you're fucking insane if you're going to be like, oh, yeah. It's like, no, that's why we care about that.

And that's why we didn't care that Tiger Woods wife chased him with a club. We're all like, oh, he's a piece of shit because he's cheating. Not the fact that his wife tried to, like fucking kill him. Yeah. Because we're like, ah, he can defend himself. He's a fucking dude. Yeah, she got a free pass on that, huh? And she got 250 mil for doing it.

Yeah, yeah. That bitch is coasted. Yeah, I didn't watch a documentary. I saw the Britney Spears one, which is... I liked it. Yeah, she needs to stay locked up. She's pretty spears is? I don't think she's that guy.

I mean, I think she's crazy, bro. If you ever watch her new videos, like she has, like, no soul in her eyes. And there's something about her where I feel like she's an Avengers-level threat. Yeah. And we can't let her go. Yeah, nobody with that much fame that early on ever does well.

Yeah, but it's also like those interviews are nuts. People, there's just like, she's like 15 and people were like, so your tits are hanging out, Brittany, how do you feel? And they're like, how do you expect her to like not go nuts when like, that was so weird how the culture flipped like so dramatically. Like people used to be like pretty disturbing. Look what Britney Spears is doing. And now it's like you're a dick if you don't think trans people should participate in, you

know what I mean? It's like a weird. I hate that argument. That argument, it gets brought up all the time. She's a woman lost in time. She was supposed to. No, no, the trans athletes thing. I don't think a podcast.

happened with a straight guy that does not mention trans athletes. They're just too good. They're just too good in the women's league. Not the other way around. I've never seen so much. Yo, this bitch that used to be a man that used to be a girl's now beat my ass.

There was a wrestler that did that. Really? A girl that beat a... Yeah, yeah, she was a girl. Well, also, girls are better at wrestling early on, especially around that age of puberty, because, like, they have a lower center of gravity, so it's, like, easier.

Oh, yeah. I'm talking about that TikTok video with the girls with their tits. I want to talk about it. But the thing is, I don't really care either way. It's funny that people that care on the other side. They're like, we need to protect high school sports. I'm like, I don't really give a fuck who's participating.

But I also do think that, like, people that are, they don't like the term biological. It's like cis women, women who are born. What's wrong with biological, though? Like, I don't know. I don't know either. I don't know why I'm asking you guys, but that shit just pissed me off. I don't know why just taking away certain words. Just be like, no, add another this.

now makes it get complicated but yeah I just don't care I don't get I'm like yeah well then they could I don't know I don't know

public school kid at heart so I'm gonna get fucking frustrated either way the moment once big words get thrown even sis I know it's three letters

but I still keep on like I don't know to learn new words like no I already have all my words I can fit with my brain I can't yeah

that class I took though that teacher She was fucking nuts. She said the most fucking insane shit. She's like, yeah, so on a biological level, like, men are not stronger than women. Everybody's like, what are you talking about? And then she's like, if you go to a bar and ask a girl if she has a boyfriend, that's a microaggression. Wait, wait, what?

Yeah. What class was this? It was a multicultural film taught by like a white woman. It was just like she would go into death about stuff because, like, technically, she could be lesbian. And I'm like, yeah, but like. That boyfriend question will answer all those things. Yeah, you say, no, I'm not. And it's like, one of those where we're like, I don't know.

She's like, yeah, I'm gay as fuck. I'm like, all right, cool. Yeah. Let's be friends. Like, are you really, though? Yeah. I think that's, that's when you become real friends with her. She's like, to be real, I'm not that kind of gay, bro.

Yeah. I don't know. I think I've hung out of a few lesbians. And I want to form that thing where, like, straight dudes have lesbian friends. The same way gay girls or straight girls have a bunch of gay friends. I want to just like squat up with like some like hardware Home Depot run it

Just like whatever the stereotypical lesbian is And then just be like squatted up Yeah let's go home for some poon All you guys like girls like yeah Yeah Yeah you just squat Look that fucking ass Yeah

Let's fucking get it They're trying to wing man for you They're like let us ease you win Yeah Yeah the gay guy just brings so much to the table though with with Because he's a man And hot chicks and stuff

Yeah yeah And hot chicks need a gay guy because they need a guy that's like not hitting, not somehow trying to fuck them. Yeah, yeah. You know? Whereas like a lesbian girl, it's like, she doesn't. Like, when you could have the same relationship, we could keep

creepy dudes away from lesbians. We'd be like, yo, you're my homie. And then some dudes like trying to rape her and then you beat him up. But if she's a hot lesbian, then you're going to think about fucking her all the time. That's true. You know? If I have a hot lesbian hanging out with me all the time, I don't know.

Yeah, that's, that's tough. It's going to be rough, man. It's going to be rough. You got to pick your battles. I think guys just can't be friends of girls unless the guys are gay. Yeah. Yeah.

I think we solved it. I want a bunch of gay girlfriends. Yeah. I had a girl try to fuck my girlfriend a couple months ago. She was with my buddy. And then the girl's like, can I fuck her girlfriend?

I was like, she's not lesbian or by. I'll watch you give it a shot though. We can try. Let me do some convincing. It's going to take some I'll buy it. I'm going to be involved somehow. Here's the thing about girls. I don't want to, like,

lesbian girls are so persistent though that's the thing like and they know the woman like mine and shit so they're persistent in a way where it's not annoying depending on how good they are like they'll eventually turn a girl out I feel like I see oh and I've seen I seen gay girls are just way more like that's the one thing I don't like when people like don't acknowledge it's like it's way harder to be a bisexual dude I'm not by but I'm like why can I just suck dicks no but it's like it's way hard to do that to be a bisexual girl because nobody gives a fuck people. don't act like that's not that everybody's like men have it great

everywhere I'm like no dude if you're a dude who likes fucking girls and sucking dick you're kind of fucked like half the girls just won't fuck you now but if you're a girl who's by nobody has any issue with everybody's like that's cool why would we have an issue with that oh you're saying some girls are turned off by a guy being yeah every guy I know this by is like it's fucking hard

because like why do they have to let what do they have to tell them oh you sucking dick gay like girls like if you want to have a relationship you know what I mean they don't think you want to cheat on They're going to smell dick on your breath. They're going to be like, yo, get out of my bed. Yeah, like, Charlie and Graham have both told me, like, it's fucking, like. Yeah. Yeah, it's tough because, like, girls are just meeting like, now.

And then also some guys are just very much like, oh, you suck dick, don't stay next to me. Yeah. Is they're, like, going to try to fuck out. It's just around for moms. I think it's just the idea that men are sucking dick, where women and men both kind of be like, yeah, fuck that. They just high-five each other. But it's weird.

It's weird. It's not weird that they're, maybe it is. But, um, no, it's not. I'm sorry. NBC, I'm sorry. But it's weird because, like, some of my boyfriends, too, they're like, some gay people get mad at them for saying faggot. But they're like, I suck dick. But they're like, you don't suck only dick.

I don't know, I don't know the weird, like, things with that. About saying faggot? Yeah. Well, for them, because it's like they're... My cousin says it all the time. He's gay as fuck. He's the gay as guy. But I'm saying that's white.

You know what I mean? It's a weird. No, but he calls... He just calls, like, the ones that are super girly that one. he's using it in a derogatory way. Using the derogatory way, but he's the guy still getting fucked. So I'm just like, how are you using that word right? He gets a free pass to do whatever.

I guess. But you're saying if you're by, you can't necessarily use it because you're not 100% on it. That's like being. But that's like a weird rule because you're still getting homophobia. It's like being mixed race and being able. I don't like that. If you're by, it's basically like if you're a light skin black, yeah, you get to use the end word, but just kind of just know how you say it, bro. Just kind of feel out the situation.

Yeah. Yeah. It's out the situation. There was multiple times. could have dropped the N word here, but if I was light skin, you guys would be like, I think he's doing it too much. Well, that's the funny part about, like, Leo, we were talking about that white time. It's like, I mean, he's Dominican, so it's like, well, it's weird.

These are some people care, but like, I don't know. I don't know the answer really. He knows the context. He knows the context clues in how to properly say it. If he's the black, if he's the blackest in the room, he can see. Yeah, that's who. There's a system. Yeah.

I know I can't say it. So, yet. Yet. Yeah. Oh, are you transitioning to being black soon? That's the plan. Nice. Only for that reason.

Just that one. When it's over, it's not what it's like, it's not what it's built up to be. Yeah, I was like, I did this for one word, one word.

It's like when people finally move to New York, there's like, oh, this is New York. Yeah. Yeah. Could be better. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's great.

Saying the N-word or being in New York? Both. Oh, okay. Well, everybody grew up so differently, because if I'm being totally honest to, my high school in Florida, it was like totally acceptable for everybody to use the A version. Yeah. And then you grow up and people were like, easy. You're like, okay, shit, I'll never say that again. But, um, because it was like with music, like Asian kids would call each other the N-word of my high school.

And it was like a weird thing. But then, I don't know. How many black kids were in your school? I don't know if I asked you this before, but it was probably like 35, 40%, all right. Because you were in, no, you were in Miami. I was in Orlando. Yeah, you were in Orlando. Yeah, Orlando's black as fun.

Not all of it, but yeah, yeah. This is pretty good amount. Yeah. That's the thing I heard about, like, Massachusetts is super white, right? Yeah, we didn't have, in my high school probably. Yeah. Ten total? Yeah, my mom said she went to go see Eddie Murphy one time, and he was the only black person in the whole entire, like, arena.

That's hilarious. And she said he was looking at it. He's like, holy shit, this is a white audience. I love that shit. I love hearing stories like that. Yeah, you don't realize how white a place is until you move. I heard the same about Connecticut, but I didn't show Connecticut, and now I was the only white guy. So it's weird. I don't know. I guess it just depends on the area.

But I think in general, though, Connecticut and Massachusetts apparently, like, very... Yeah. It makes sense, though, because the great migration, like, New York is, like, where most black people came? And then Chicago has lots of black people, too, right? Yeah, Chicago, New York. Where else in the north? But it makes sense that, like, Vermont. Just there wouldn't, there'd be no incentive. They'd be like, why would you? I move to the middle of nowhere.

Yeah. It's interesting, though. New York's got everything, man. Yeah, it's coming back, dude. Once they legalize pot and gambling, which I heard is the plan, that's going to be a good... Pot's not legal here, yeah? No, not yet. It's legal jersey, so just go over Jersey, come back.

Gambling's not... Gambling, same thing? No. Gambling. Unless there's a certain, like, cons... I was a casino. I'm fucking retarded. Casino.

Yeah. But I also feel like Cuomo's going to... Once he's sexual harassment things came out, he's like, all right, I'll open everything up, like, a beat. I don't know if you've noticed. Dude, like, restaurants are at 75% like starting, like, in two weeks or something like that. Nice. It's all flying below the radar. Yeah, he's just like, everything's open.

You guys, sorry, I fucked up. Because if we had done that earlier, the heat would have been off them. It would have been like, people would have been thinking about different shit. Florida vibes, but early in the, like, Corona moments. Like, it would have been dancing in the street. It probably would have been really bad. Yeah. It probably really would have been bad, but it would have been amazing, though.

Yeah. Well, that's a good thing about Florida. Because it's so spread out, you can have these pockets of craziness where it's not like, but, like, if you had, if everybody, in Manhattan has it, you're spreading it throughout the five birds. Yeah, it's fucking nuts. You have to look at the head and get to all the other boroughs. Yeah.

So. But it's not. I mean, dude, I went like, when I was this fucking, not a single person in the funeral was wearing a mask. Like, I think one person was wearing it. And then it was like, that was it. And, uh, you go out to the bars and it's like, nobody's, they make you wear one. And then immediately you take, like, you can't walk in without a mask.

And then you're like, okay. And you put it on. And you walk into the bar. And it's like, people will be mad about that. But it's like, if you're already not. you're already drinking the whole time you're at a bar so you're not going to be wearing it. Yeah.

Logistically, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to be taking it on and off in a bar anyway. So why not? They're just not like lying to themselves about it basically. Yeah, they're like, why are we doing these bullshit? Let's just fucking go crazy. And they didn't make it like against the law for you to wear a mask. They just took out the...

That's so funny though, because then Biden had like a mask mandate and like, what is he going to go down to Florida and like stop being? People are fucking crazy. I love your Biden joke, by the way. Which one? Oh, about him? yeah yeah I love the voice

you do it with it too so it's very good or he's fucking yeah I hear that way it's really dumb but it's like presidents used to be able

to, or no kings back of the day used to come out they'd be able to fuck your wife on your wedding night and I was like

just think God presidents don't do that like could you imagine like hanging out with Joe Biden while he's just like waiting for his Viagra to kick in

and then he's like shut up yeah he's fucking yeah he's just cucking you and he's like you're like please stop he's like what you shut up man

just like plow on your wife good Biden Yeah, that would suck so bad To have a So, what could you imagine? He's got like Secret Service Like helping him fuck your wife

Now push and pull guys Push and pull I'm a part in that pushy I wonder at what point They stopped doing that The king must have to just Maybe the king was gay or something He's like I don't want to have to be fucking

What if there was like a big cuck in the town though he's like dude Can you fuck her again? He's like no He's like it all the rules over Yeah I'm getting married again Yeah

We're renewing our vows. You mind coming over? Imagine getting married and then the king's trying to fuck you. You're like, what? This is not supposed to be... What? Here's the wife. Yeah, fuck her.

He's like, mm-mm. I'm the can do what I want. What the king wants. But, I mean, presents today, when it makes it because you couldn't get reelected after you fucked like thousands of people's wives. Everybody would be like,

fuck that guy. Or maybe you would get reelected. They'd be like, yo, he fucked my wife. Yeah, I respect him. The man knows what he wants. Is there somebody you'd be proud of that fucked your wife? Fucked your girlfriend?

I don't think so because like the better The more like honor The more accomplished they are The more I would dislike it Yeah You know what I mean? Or I don't know I don't know if that's better or worse

Or if she fucks like some random Dude then you're like I guy's a loser but like But then you could also I don't know I knew girls that fuck certain guys Or I'm just like If I fucked her too

I'll be like I'm in high regards I'm a pretty cool dude Yeah Like if she fucked Jeter or something That would be pretty cool Yeah If she's definitely, like, if she fucked my heroes or legends in whatever field,

like, even in, like, in neuroscience, she fucked the legend in neuroscience. I'm like, we're Eskimo bros. Yeah, yeah. You'd want it to happen before you started. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't want to, like, halfway too. Yeah, if it happens afterwards, I'm like, you fucking. But then you get to meet that person. Yeah.

Yeah. He was on his way out. He's like, I think he'd have some whimsical shit to say. Like, just really, like, wise line. Just as many stands there are in the galaxy is how many. Humps, I give it to your girl. I'm like, let's go, Neil. Let's fucking go.

She's like, I feel smarter. I guess she would have to agree to it, too. That would be the hard part. God, Neil deGrasse is not just going to rape my girlfriend. I'm just like, that's so cool, Neil. Consent was only made. Come on. Consent was only made fun.

He did get me, too. Yeah, some girls said he raped him. But, like, I watched her videos, and she was talking about, like, stuff. I don't know. That's the hard part because they're like, she was acting all crazy. Yeah, she's like, I don't want to fuck Neil de Gras Tyson. I'm like, this girl has to be nuts.

Yeah. It was like, it was one of those where she was like, she has schizophrenian. She's talking about all this like weird thing with like fire. But I'm like also. Neil DeLegrax Tyson could have raped to schizophrenic. You know what I mean? It's like. Was she schizophrenic before or after?

I don't know. Maybe she gave her the knowledge that he had in that something she can handle. He overdrought. He fucking overbred her systems or some shit. Something like that, yeah. but it's like that's really fucked up if he did but then you're like I have no one it's like so many people it's tough because so many people do rape but so many people also get accused of rape so it's like I think there's people that unless they tell you unless they tell you like yeah well schizophrenic or fuck it's fucking let's keep fucking because then that's open it but like if you like if you fuck them then you just find out afterwards like it's not it's not it's not yeah I had afraid of his schizophrenic and he's like he's not he's like if he's not he's not he Ad sex is a pretty good-looking girls. I don't know what everybody is possible.

Yeah, they like... They like unpredictability. You don't have... Like mystery. They're like, yeah, he just has tinfoil on his head one day. No, well, it's like he... That's the thing, though,

it's because, like, when they take their meds, they're, like, very regular and calm. But the problem with the medicines is, like, they hate the medicine. So it's like, people with schizophrenia, I hate taking the medicine. Yeah. But if they stop taking the medicine,

then they have, like, collusionations, which is stuff. Boris, why wouldn't you want to be? fucking have 10 people to talk to all. Now I just got to live like a normal human. It sucks. Yeah, but it's like also, but you do take your medicine. It's like your mood is just like,

it's like you're a zombie. Like I remember I've seen my friend and he just be like, hey, how's it going? So normal. Yeah, yeah. But I love hearing schizophrenics on the train when I'm going home because then it's just like an hour of them talking out loud.

Like I like the preachy ones. I don't like the ones that are by themselves like, yeah, and then the fucking motherfucker. And then I like the ones like, and that's why they're trying to get at us. Right? That's why he trying to get out. Like, Biden.

He looks out of the way he spells his name. And they're, like, going back and forth. Running the train. I love recording them because, like, I haven't, I, I don't know if I'm going to say anyways. I want to, like, animate schizophrenic people what they're talking, what they're saying. And it's just, like, do we exactly?

You go over to, like, Disney, you're like, so, are we in or not? Imagine the very Disney, like, animated eyes and shit. No, imagine just Jasmine from Aladdin. She's like, and then fucking. I would love it. I would love it. But yeah, I want to animate them talking, talking their shit and just, like, see, like, they say some weird tangents that make things really like, how did they connect that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it makes sense of their head.

They're always on to something. Yes. But I feel it's very similar to when you do, like, a lot of drugs. And, like, you're like, oh, I crack. You give that level of confidence. You're like, yeah, no, I figured this out. Yeah. Just solution to this.

Like, I remember I was on shrooms and we're building these sandcasts. And I'm like, this is just like the world. We started with nothing. And we built. And I'm just, like, walking around. So, fucking cocky. I'm like, that's the most dumb shit. You know what I mean?

There's no substance to what you're saying. But, like, it's, you think that you're like a genius. You have to have confidence, man. Yeah. But then everybody else is looking at you and you're pushing like a shopping cart full of vegetables. And, well, I guess everybody does. You know what I mean? Just that you're doing.

I have horrible examples today. I appreciate the person that does it with confidence. So they push that that fucking cart with vegetables with, like, with high gusto them. Like, this motherfucker is doing something right. Yeah. But there must have been somebody that thought of something crazy on. shrooms and it was actually like a Oh yeah, I'm sure there's like some of it

But it's like also when you're like tripping balls You're just like not thinking Yeah correctly That's why like everybody's like oh I microdose But like you can only microdose You have to double up your dose the next day Because you don't have the same effects of it You're really just being on a bunch of shrooms

I don't know all the time Yeah yeah Interesting One way to do it Yeah Speaking of who's got shrooms Yeah are you in the city I haven't done them in the city

I've never done shrooms yet I don't I'd be nervous to do them in the It'd be a very scary place, especially with COVID. I don't know. I feel like we kind of definitely go out to the woods or something. Yeah. Yeah, I've done like a small amount of them at times. And I've never gotten too crazy, but it's, I've enjoyed it.

But yeah, I would think if I did like too many, I would, even like an edible. An edible I don't like. That's too much for me. I did shoes with a wrestling practice one time, which is like nuts. I only took like a little bit. And then the listeners for the story. But I remember my mom was driving me to a wrestling practice. And it was playing that song by Natasha Benfield,

where it's like, feel the rain on your skin. And I remember I literally, I had my face, like, I sort of snapped out of it, but I was in like a little trance. And my face was an inch away from the air conditioning vent. And I was just listening to the song,

just like, feeling the wind in my face. And then my mom was just like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, I'll be good. And I went around and kids just wrecked me on the mat. It was like, they were just like making love to them. Yeah, I was just like, you guys are fucking cool. We're friends.

I was like, dude, you're going to be such a good wrestler. And my coach is just like, this guy's a fucking idiot. Yeah. I don't see why you thought taking shrews before wrestling. I didn't know. Well, I didn't know it was a touchy-feely drug, did you? Well, I didn't know that if I only took a little bit, I thought I would just get a weed high, which doesn't make sense.

I didn't realize that I was going to have, like, just minimal effects of mushrooms. But I also, I've never taken shrooms and, like, not tripped. I always have, like. Yeah. A lot of people were like, oh, I took it. I didn't do anything. For me, it's like, I always have visuals and stuff like that. I want to take shrooms.

but I want to do it with people that I trust Do a shrooms podcast That would be Well my problem is out freak out Because first time I took shrooms I told my parents And I had like a horrible trip Really?

Yeah Yeah I went home and just like I You see but then I hear people like you That's like I had fucking horrible trips I had to call my mom Oh but then people had a great time yeah Yeah but then there's people just like

Yeah fucking just felt colors Yeah you just do a little bit Just do a little bit And you feel all right Yeah But what is a little bit I know right Right

Because bitches don't like a little bit of anything. I don't know why I'm doing that. I don't know. I feel bad because I've been so out of it this episode because I just keep looking at the thing thinking I fucked it up. Last time we didn't record for like 15 minutes in.

Every time you've been here, it's been horrible. It's a very professional production. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Best. Yeah. I didn't even get to talk much about the funeral wedding.

I want to talk a little bit more. Yes, we went and the funeral was fucking sick. So we buried him and stuff. That wasn't that sick. But then... The way they put his body. biting the ground, bro? What I really wanted to do is I wanted to go

so badly and shave my head, wear an eye patch in like a Marine uniform. And then just be quiet in the back or just be like mumbling or something like that. He's a good fucking soldier. Yeah. He was he the fucking army? And he would have thought that was funny.

But then we went to the thing. We got really drunk on like our old. We used to hang out as a bridge when we were kids and just get fucked up. And so we went back there. We got drunk with his mom and stuff. and then we went out. But it was just crazy to see how much, I don't know,

it's cool to see everybody doing cocaine again and playing with guns. Which sounds like, there was definitely a time of this. I didn't do any coke, but I was like, looking at it. I was like, this is how,

that would be. Or no, how people die. But yeah. But, yeah, I don't know why I decided to bring that up. But, yeah, that was fun. And the wedding, and then the wedding

was okay, you said. Yeah, the best man speech I was so worried about because it's like, do you bomb in front of your family and then, like, you're talking about comedy the next day,

they're going to look at you always like, no matter why, I know people were going to be at great speech. Yeah. But I had to keep it clean. That's the bush is not that bad. No, it wasn't too bad. They weren't telling you to do five minutes, right? I did five.

But they didn't tell you to do five. You just kind of did five, right? They let you? No. His mom in the back. I've seen some best man speeches that I've just gone on for so long. Yeah. rambled.

And then I saw that same guy after the guy that does a speech went around to every table to like get congratulated and thought that he like killed. I'm like, that was the worst. He just bobbed and he's like, he's just trying to fuck it. The girls at the wedding.

He's like, hey, how can we get out of your sweetheart? They're like, what the speech? Yeah. Oh, it's a movie.

Yeah. When it just starts up. Yeah. I don't know. I was watching Justice League or something. Is where you watch your porn? Not on the TV. He tilts it around.

man there's a bit do you ever have those bits that are so bad that you can only try them at the penhouse because you don't know how to how to angle them oh yeah of course yeah there's this one bit on right it's got to feel so it's a horrible thing to be white supremacist but it's got to feel good in your brain because you think you're better than everybody and like having like a club of people that unconditionally love you like they hype each other up probably like katy perry yeah stuff you don't mean they're like you're perfect you're the best

it's like what girls do it's like when girls around each other no stop it you are good yeah yeah yeah there's got to be a guy is like that's you are Yeah, because black people, you guys have like black lives matter and then women have women's rights group. Men just have a horrible group. There's no like positive group for white guys. Yeah. That's the problem. There needs to be like a, and it's never the good whites that are, I'm gonna say firemen, but then, you know. Believe. They just only let white people be firemen. Yeah, it doesn't end well. Like, I remember was a good one for a while. Yeah. Yeah, it's never

the good whites that are in the, that are like the ones that think they're the best. It's like, you're not the good example. Yeah, of what, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, it's got to be so funny because, like, in their head, they, like, like, I don't think I'm better than people on my street. And you think you're better than the whole continent of Africa. Like, that's a crazy concept. That's a crazy one. That's a crazy one I think about. Because, like, that guy just thinks he's better than everybody.

And then he's got that group of people that just love him to him out. He fucked up that day. And they're like, it's okay. And he's like, oh, I guess it is going to be okay. Yeah. Yeah, he's just got a self-esteem delusion, basically. Yeah. But, like, on the inside, I don't know, it's weird.

But most of us Even though they're hyping them up Even though they're hyping up There's like There's still that one black guy out there better than me Stop it You're better You're better

Stop it Like just like a Katie Perry side It's like there's something special Inside of all of us Okay we just got to Because baby you're a Arian Yeah

Yeah Like smile Yeah you know what I am special But I have a I've found a way to make that into a bit, but I don't think it's funny. Oh, my God. You have to sing the Aryan song.

I don't think that's going to work well. Did you try it at the... No, because I haven't figured out any wording with it. I'm like, the concept, I think, is funny. It's great. It's just kind of the fact that, like, it's only a hate group if you're in the group. If you're in the group, it's like an unconditional love group for each other, but everybody else, it's... Yeah, maybe we just don't understand it.

I think we understand it pretty well. Maybe they're honest. The penthouse can be intimidating, though. But it was just going to do it. It was like, that's the only place I was going to do it because I was like, all right. There's nobody doing anything here. I just want to see if there's a way to work it out. But like, it's so hard to like, because you have to, I'd have to first do, I do have a negative bit about white supremacist.

But then I'd have to like, that is a negative because you're still looking down on that. But it'd be hard. You have to angle it correctly. So you're like clearly making fun of them. But like. Yeah. But then you got like one guy in the back who's like slightly getting excited. And you're like, yeah, okay, this is now way.

The penthouse is like so intimate and so, uh, Like everybody's paying attention that it's like damn I wish people weren't paying so much attention Yeah yeah yeah yeah last night last night was so funny I don't know if you know Chris Conti But he's like so out of it this guy just pulls a bong out stands up in the middle of somebody said smokes it has no like in the middle of the guy said Everybody said he saw that yesterday I wasn't there for but oh my gosh he just goes he goes And then sits down but he like is only looking for And everybody's like, look at him. What the fuck did you do?

He's like, sorry, was it loud when I hit it? It's like, you stood up. You smoked your bong in the middle of the person's set. Like, blew it out for like a minute. Like blew it like his stomach out too. And then just... You know, some people just don't have awareness. Boston.

And I love it. Boston's finest. He's from Boston? Oh, yeah. Did he start in Boston? Yeah. He's good. He got such a weird.

And then his set is just so, like, all over the place. Oh, he's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, he's had some of the best bombs I've ever seen. Yeah. my favorite bomb is like I had this horrible joke about Anne Frank's Clitoris. It was really dumb. I was just like, about Anne Frank's Clitters

it's hard to find huh? Because she's like hard to be. It was so dumb. And I said it. It's definitely at the top. Yeah, but I was like three months into comedy. I'm like, this is edgy bitch you can be so funny. And I say it. And nobody laughs besides one person goes, Jesus Christ. I reach for the microphone stand and it falls over and it just keeps falling over in five minutes. And it was just like the worst set in my whole

like it was like five minutes straight of just like bombing besides the other person he was just like Jesus Christ you think he liked it or you think he it was like clearly like Jesus Christ yeah the worst I ever bombed though was also I don't know if you were there this mic but one time I paused incorrectly

so I was watching like a Oh I was there I was watching Martin Lawrence and I was like I was like I was trying to like I wish on stage I could like crush and like a black guy but I paused so I was on stage and I was like I wish I could kill like a kill like a black guy And people were like, Mike Okuna goes, what the fuck?

And I was like, what? And I was like, oh, they're being sensitive just because I was like, they're being all over the top. And I realized he's saying, it sounds like I said, I want to murder a black man. And so I'm just going on my set. And Mike Okoos just staring at me. I'm like, you guys are what? I can't say they're good at comedy now. I'm like, what is this piece of stuff?

And then I asked him, I was like, why are you so? He's like, dude, you said you wanted to kill a black guy? I was like, no, I want to kill like a black guy. He goes, oh, jean because everybody. He was like, yeah, I was like, I want no crush and kill. like a black guy it sounded like like a black guy

like as if I was like picking a race and I was like black guy that's who I want to That's the one That's the one I want to do today Yeah Inflection is very important

Yeah dude If you just pause at the wrong time And like finally everybody figured it out And I was like And everybody's like You're okay Michael Yeah I feel bad

I got to go to the show But where could they find you online Chris Kenback TikTok Perfect officially Derek Gonzalez on Instagram and Derek Gonzalez on Hinge. Awesome. Perfect.