Morning Good - Showtime! - Episode 291

Episode Date: November 2, 2025

Jake Strom and Chris Kinback join the show for today's episode. They talk about sex with scary movies in the background, racist interaction GoFundMe fundraisers, and how to spit top-tier Michael Good-level gameThanks to Jake and Chris for coming back on the show. Check them out the links down below for more.Chris is on Instagram @chriskinback. Jake is on Instagram @jakestromlol and @jakestromboli.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to the morning. All right. We're here with Jake Strom. Hello. And Chris came back. Hey. And, yeah, my favorite is we were with, you know, Barry Katz.

Barry Cacks Barry ribs that's who we're with We're doing a podcast And he didn't understand What the recording was We were doing Danny's podcast And he pulls the microphone away

He starts yelling And they're like No they can hear you less now You're just yelling at the machine It's not a black box On a fucking airplane too Yeah That's not how that works

I'll get messages from him Every once in a while Like video clips With no relevance to anything No subject Anything And I don't know What they're in in reference

to, I don't know, it's not like we made a, it's not like an inside joke or something. Right. That we have is just a real, yeah, old people using the fucking, it's so funny, dude. He seems like the kind of guy, so he's like an old Jewish guy. And he, old guy, I think they like sending horny stuff a lot. You ever see that? Just like an old guy who just sent you like a picture of a chick with hot tits. You know what I could find that on my own.

Thank you. Like in his mind, he's like, dude, everybody needs to find this. Yeah, I can't believe I'm seeing this right now. Everybody needs to see this. crazy. This will be a really good gift because I'm the one that found it. It's not like Easter eggs. It's like there's like lots of porn. Also the last thing I want to see during my day is like more, like I don't want to be more horny during my day. Yeah. Yeah. Like at like 3 p.m. someone just sending me tits. I'm like, why would you send me this?

Yeah. And I'll get something like that. That'll have me after I jerked off. I'm like, I don't need to do it twice today. Then you're like mad at the person. Yeah. Tits make you angry. Like seeing hot chicks on Instagram, now I don't get. get, like, excited by, I get more, like, angry. Are you, are you like, oh, I should be fucking you? I guess, kind of. I'm just like, why? I'm just like, I don't need to see this.

This is pointless. Yeah. Yeah, it is fun seeing your friends liking it. Yeah, you're like, ah, you dirty little fucking horned. That I've never understood. I will, liking, like, a famous hot chick's Instagram. That is incredible. They get millions of likes.

I'm like, who's liking this shit? Yeah. Like, what is that doing for you? That is incredibly insane. I get it if it's like somebody you're trying to throw feelers out to you and you're like, they just like her shit. Because I always talk. that was weird and simpy, but then I realized I was like, oh, okay.

Sometimes there'll be a thing where, like, you're in a weird in-between with somebody where it's like a will-day or won't-day. Yeah. And then you're just like, yeah, you're just like, hey, what about, I know, sends you a little something. I think the play is to always not like anything. Like, anytime you give them any validation, it's kind of negative points for you. Yes. So the more you cannot give validation.

You should DM them, their bikini pictures. Say, by the way, I don't like this. Disgusting. Yeah, that's expert level game. That's Michael Good level game. Yeah, yeah. For the average person, yeah. I don't think liking it is going to help you in any way.

No, no. I like a story every once in a while. Let them know, like... Then it's more, then it's more like intimate. Yeah, yeah. But to like their, like, to put your name on their pose is very, it's very sim shit. It is weird, yeah. Yeah, I think I'm a delete all.

I don't know. I just got to, like, daily delete. I don't know. It's just too much. Yeah, I'll take it off my phone a lot so I don't have it. Yeah. But, yeah, it's definitely a time suck. And I'll realize, like, I'll be talking to chicks on there for, like, days, weeks.

And I'm like, I'm never going to see this girl. They'll be in, like, Ireland or something. I'm like, I'm never going there. You're never coming here. What are we doing? Yeah, that'll happen with dating apps where I'll go, yeah, and it'll be like somebody and I'm talking to in, like, Idaho or something like that. It could very well be a dude, too, on the other end of the line.

You know what's so funny? I thought I was so good that that could never happen to me again. I thought I was just an expert level. I'm like, what am I? 12. Oh, because some shirt's happened. I used to go on an megal when I was like 13 and be like... Classic. What is that? It was like... So they had two versions. They had like the video version where it'd be

like... Just cocks. Just cocks. Occasionally there'd be a hot chick on there. I was like chat roulette kind of. Yes. And I remember we had one friend who had like six pack when he was like nine. So like we would just put him a shirtless on there to try to like bait him the chicks. And so just be him to stand there as shirtless while there's a bunch of dudes

jerking off and be like, well, you know, bud, we gotta we gotta get to the pussy eventually. So, you know. 3 a.m. You've been on for 6 hours. It's such entrapment for those men that are jerking. They don't know that it's a, that they're now pedophiles. You know, they probably thought it was just some. Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah. Dude, showing his abs. But that was just teenagers digging for gold. Yeah. It was 49ers. It was fishing, you know, it was like we got our lines caught a lot on like, you know, rocks. Rock hard. It is crazy how back in the day, like A, like you guys did A, we, we, we

guys AIM generation? Oh yeah, I was a little pimster one two five and you go of course you are there's and you go into chats and you get you get pictures and stuff and like there's zero chance that any of those were actual women sending you pictures. No. No. In hindsight, no, dude. You know, Magel sometimes they wouldn't, there was like a non-faceless version. I would just whack up constantly big and then I'm going to take your kids. Yeah. And I'll be but you know what's really funny though. It's really funny too to trick somebody like that but still be masturbate,

because there's probably a guy on the other side of that, obviously. Yeah. But it's funny that he's

jacking off to me. Jacking off to a woman. Yeah, that's a weird fucking... But I, you know, I can't even

try to understand something like that. You know, people are complicated. I, uh, one time I, uh, hooked up

this Dominatrix. And then she's like, can I do some of the things I do on my clients with you? I was like, yeah, sure. And I couldn't do a single one of them.

She was like, okay, so cock and ball torture. I was like, I was like, no. Oh. She's like crazy ex-girlfriend scenario,

which is where she just like screams at me. And it's just like... I'm like, this is fucking wild. Like, I like weird shit, for sure. Like, I'm dressed up as a tel-tob. I'm like, look, I'm into some nasty shit. You wouldn't believe this, but I do some kinky shit. Yeah, but I'm like, dude, the whole...

The, uh, yeah, there's people I was talking to somebody. They were talking to some guy online. He wanted to be like cyberbullied. Like he wanted her to just be like, you fucking suck. piece of shit. Yeah, yeah. I like bossiness can be hot if she's like,

yeah, man, man, yeah. But not just like your work. You think you would hook up with a girl if she was also in this? If you guys are in media girl in costumes? Buddy, why do you think I'm wearing? Will you insist? She wears it.

Will you insist on keeping your costume on? I think I am supposed to hang out with a chick tonight. If I get pussy tonight, I'm 100% like, look, we got one or two ways. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if there's a hole in the front of this. It'd be so funny if my cock was painted yellow under this. Also, I found out this.

This is a female telitubby. So everybody's going to think I'm a fucking homo now. Really? Because I'm the lady telotubby. Damn. That would be so funny if I got a hate crime like this, a bunch of redneck shirt all up. They're like,

they're like, everybody knows Titsy Witsy is the male one. A real man would be Titsy Witsy, but you're dressed up as Lala, you. Yeah, that changes my whole perspective of what I think about this costume. I know, right? I know, I look like some weirdo.

I thought it was so baller before. Yeah, yeah. It'd be funny if, like, you go to hook up with a chick, and under that costume there's another even weirder costume. She's like, take that off, you're right, and then under it you just have like a fucking smurf or something. That would be awesome.

I also, when I put the legs on, I feel like I'm dressing it as Pikachu, which I really don't like, because that's a very lame costume to have. It's too, like, Pikachu is like something you'd wear to, like, Comic-Con or something. You'll see a lot of those. Down by St. Marks, I feel like,

is a big Asian population down there. They're all just Pikachu. You're all just hanging out outside of that, through that freaky thrift store. Yeah. What's that called? Dude, there's a bunch of baby heads in the wall. There's much of baby doll heads.

Yeah, yeah. That place is pretty sick. I've been in there. When you can make it through the maze of all the riffraff that they let hang out on the porch. Which I don't know why that's good. That could be good for business. It can't be. Yeah.

It's terrifying walking in there. Yeah, but like if your thing is we're a weird goth plays, then it's like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. One authenticity. But at some point, it's like, yeah, there's times I'm like, I want to go in there, but I'm not going past these freaks right now. Yeah. So I want to tell, I want to go.

They need to bring John Taffer in there and fucking be like, get this fucking place out of here. Get these fucking losers. My chemical romance is over. Right. It is funny when you see a bar and it's like as seen on bar rescue. And I'm like, that is such a bad advertisement.

Yeah. They're like, we used to have rats and coworkers that would sexually harass women. Nobody washed their hands. Dog shit in the walk-in fridge. But on television Yeah, we acted like we got our shit together And I'm sure it'll remain good After this guy was in here for like a fucking week

It's funny how those bars always Have the scummiest people like running You're like how did this guy, how does this guy own a bar? Yeah, oh yeah I've been divorced seven times To have a fucking bar Yeah, it's nuts It is also funny too like the

Because like I've worked in restaurants before There was like dudes that like I mean you get wild motherfuckers There was this one pedophile chick at one who, uh, pedophile chick. Yeah, I mean, I guess the guy was 17, so I don't know if that's legal or not, but like, she, like, she, like, used to work at, like, a hooters and then she would just, like, hook up with- She was a bro.

Yeah, yeah. She was one of the guys. Yeah, and I'm- She sounds cool, dude. I don't know why you're giving her a bad rap. Look, I thought it was cool. I did not. I do not care if adult women have sex or sex.

No, hell not. They shouldn't? Although, doesn't it suck when you find out later that, like, adult women were having sex with kids? And you're like, well, I was around. Like, I totally wouldn't know that. What about me? Dude, I would like pray to God that my female teachers would blow me.

And I always say, there was somebody that was fucking a teacher at my school and I'm always, like going back, I'm like, oh, how'd I know? And I totally would have done it's like, no I would. I was so fucking scared. I would have no idea how to talk to him. Yeah. I don't know how to talk to girls and I didn't know how to talk to fucking 14 year old girls. There's no way I could have

been good with a 30 year old. Yeah. Yeah. Well, in my thing is, I do think you should absolutely thrown in jail if you're teaching you have sex with a 17 year boy, but I don't care. You know, those crimes? You're like, this shit, we need repercussions and it's wrong,

but I'm not going to pretend like I am foully disgusted by it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think anybody is has never been a 17-year-old boy before. Yeah, totally. They act like they're upset by it. It's just like, yeah, because it is wrong

on her end, but it is right on his end. He's like, he's doing what he's supposed to, but she's not doing it. The only thing wrong about it is that that kid's life is never. going to be as good as it was. She's basically cursing him for life. Like, hey, you're never going to have this cool and experience the rest of your life. Which is the most evil thing. If she would do it down on when he was nine, his life would get better because it was so traumatic.

Right. Right. So she's actually, yeah, it's actually more of, it should be more illegal to have sex as 17-year-old boys than. We just had a pedophile in my hometown. We just did. He was on tour. Sold out. He actually is. It's funny. He came from another town. I guess he got in trouble in that town came to our town. And now he moved. Now he's taking the bus and going somewhere else. But he, yeah,

it was big news because my sister has kids that are, I have nieces and nephews that are around that age and they knew kids that were like hanging out. He's got kids. The guy's got kids that are like regular age and they, all those kids would go over and hang out and he would do some. Your kids, I don't think you should be able to hang out with your kids.

Shouldn't that be like a thing? I assume he's going to be, yeah, he's going to be, he just got, Oh, so he just got caught. He just got caught. Okay, that makes more sense.

I thought he was like a pedophile going from town to town with his kids. And they were like, you can keep your kids, but just nobody else. He probably was. He probably just never got caught. I can't imagine he just picked up. I can't imagine pedophilia is something you pick up in like your early late 50s. That's the craziest midlife crisis. You know what?

These kids in this town are fucking hot. There's something about these kids. There's something in the water. Yeah, yeah. Something in the apple juice. It's fucking really. But yeah, it's a, there's nothing worse than being a pedophile in a small town. because it's like I got that article sent to me

probably before he was even done molesting a kid. There was like 15 articles sent to me. You're like, you should see this? It's like, you don't want to say I feel bad for the guy, but it's like, it sucks to be that guy. Well, it's so many too, because I'm just picturing him moving and like, I don't know why I'm just picturing like the movers. You're like, what's going on with you?

What's going on with you? This guy. He just brought you here. It's perfect here. You got a nice house. You got a nice pool in the back. What could possibly? Go, go. We need to leave now.

Quicker, faster, let's go. Just throwing couches into the bag of the van. Let's go. Move, move, move. A bunch of baby fucking equipment. Just little tight stuff. There's music playing. It's like sad.

It's like he's heartbroken. He's sad. He's like, oh, I gotta leave, mate. Yeah. You don't understand. You don't understand. We loved each other. Yeah.

He's in the car. It's the one that got away by Katie Perry. The tear goes down. Or what's that one? On to the next town. On to the next town. It won't be the same, though. If happy ever after.

Just in the rearview mirror. There's like a kid on the street. He sees, he's just like, yeah. That is such a curse, though. It's like that Mark Norman bit where he's at Thanksgiving. And he's like, what are you thankful for? He's like, I'm thankful. I'm not a pedophile.

Yeah. You can't say that. It's like, but not. It would suck to be a petophile. Dude, yeah, I'm so thankful. I like fucking old ladies than like 22 and up. Yeah, there you go. Yeah.

Young looking 22, though, I'm not right. You're not going to get me. Yeah, no, but it's so funny, too, because it is such a fear, too. It's like, I am so scared of coming off as gay or a pedophile, which, you know, one of those is obviously worse than the other. Yeah, gay would be fine. But I think people wouldn't even flinch at you. People say, oh, yeah, you're like, that would be. You're like, wait, wasn't this whole time?

Well, because everybody has, like, a gay thing. thought and I have OCD so my brain will be like oh my god does that mean I'm a gay guy so like I did exposure therapies where I would just like I would look at gay porn and then just die laughing I'm like I'm definitely not gay but it's just so when you're alone in your room you're like oh yeah this is really not for me did a did someone prescribe you that or you just took an issue of like you you got five hours of gay porn every day uh yeah your doctor does your therapist is like yeah go do the things that make you kind of fucking really weird yeah and then the the other

fear. I watch porn with like a 22 year old and I'd be like, oh my God, 22. That might as well be 18. I must be a pedophore. So I started watching porn with old ladies. But then you watch kiddie porn and you're like not into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. They just watch hours and I'm like, ooh, thank God.

20 hours of it. The cops show up. I'm like, I got great news for you. I'm not even into it. So no reason to You're never going to believe this, but not for me. Didn't turn me on at all. Yeah, have you watched it? No, well, you can't say the same that I can. So it looks like I'm actually the safest guy in the neighborhood because I've watched it.

That would be another shitty job. The guy that has to like watch, like, you're a cop, but you have to like watch the channel. A hundred percent of the time those guys end up being pedophile. Like it's like, it's like they find so many of those guys that just are, they're like, oh yeah, I'll be in the evidence room. Yeah, who volunteers for that, that job? It's like I don't know. It's not good. It's like being

a male. It's like, being a male. It's like, let's do three rounds. Let's do three rounds. It's like being a male guy now. It's kind of like nobody think, there's got to be something, uh, mischievous going on. I wonder the same thing about women, what do you call the dick doctors?

That sounds like a cool band, the dick doctor. Dick doctors. What the fuck is it? We should know that. A urologist. You can see like a female urologist you're like, and they're like hot a lot of times. Like this is so insane that your job is just fingering guys

and looking at their weird. Fucking horridish. Yeah, imagine that's your wife. You're still doing that? How was work? Great. I bet it.

It was a fucking piece of shit. Love that. Yeah, that would be weird if you had a hot. You want to ask how many pussies I've seen today? Fucking zero. Zero. Didn't even look it up on my phone. And I could.

A hot urologist would be a curse. That would kind of suck. But they know it to it. It's like you know when you're like a... Like I've talked to doctors before and they're like, yeah, dudes get hard all the time. They're like, it's just a thing. It's just you're just looking at hard dicks half the time. Yeah.

It's crazy. yeah that sounds sounded like they were beeping you out looking at heartburn oh yeah over there yeah yeah it's gonna it's nice and quiet over here huh just the train and nonstop sirens going 24 seven well the great part too is they

they actually started doing construction outside also and that's really loud it's just ASMR worst sounds but sometimes like the more they add to it it almost like cancels it cancels itself out like then if you have like a plane fly over had you. I just like, yeah, I don't give up.

I wish you worked out. But it's like ladies screaming and then like a homeless guy yelling at the wall. Dude, how about that? You're not my father. And then how about that chick yelling as I was walking in here? What the fuck? She was yelling at it. And there was nobody even there.

That was really funny. But she didn't even look like deranged. She just looked like. Yeah. So there's a woman like yelling. Yeah. Next to Kimbeck. And I came out dressed to tell her to be waving at Kitback.

And she just looks past me. And then clearly she's talking to somebody else. But it's so funny because I was like waving at him back to her. She's just like, maybe she was yelling at me. I don't know. I will say this dude, the homeless people when they see me tonight are going to fucking lose it. They're going to be like, yeah, they're out of the TV. Go back into the TV on your stomach, which a lot of people, I guess, have no idea that this is a TV on the stomach.

I do now. Now that you mention it, I do know. I do understand that reference. So you're going to tape a gang bang on there. Not an active one. The picture of Piper Perry on the camera. I was with like 10 black guys behind her is what I'm putting on right here. Everybody said I should do Charlie Kirk or 9-11 and I'm like,

that's hack shit, dude? Yeah, I know. Well, I was telling him, like, did I put 9-11 in my shirt? Next thing you know, some guy's fighting me at a bar because his uncle died. Right, right. You think that's a fucking joke. Yeah. They were soldiers.

Yeah, that's the thing with an offensive, with an offensive outfit, you've got to be ready to back it up. Well, the Nazi one, the story by the Nazi one's hilarious. Do you know the Nazi guy thing going on? Oh, yeah, I saw that guy. So this guy dressed up. as a Nazi for Halloween, which look, look, I'll say this, Halloween, you should be able to do whatever. People will get

upset at you, obviously, if you're just a fucking Nazi, but it is a costume. I get like, you know, you're doing a costume. But then the guy, some like woman harassed him, and this guy's obviously conservative. There's no way a liberal person wore a Nazi costume. Just rage baiting in real life. Totally. Yeah. He was out there, I mean, looking for somebody to get fucking pissed. And then

he has a go-fund me. That's the gayest shit ever. He's like, he's like, yeah, I know they, uh, uh, this is for, I've been, you know, bullied. My family's been harassed and, uh, you know, we have to see psychiatrists or, I'm like, do not pretend to be this tough guy. Yeah. One girl with blue hair, like, pushed you. And now you're like, I need, whoa, I need wash of money.

Then he also punched the woman that. Oh, did he? Yeah. Yeah. This guy rock. Yeah. That's so fucking funny, dude. It'd just be like, well, now, now.

I think that's like an actual business plan nowadays, though. It's like, you do something and then you get backlash for it. And then the people that, like, support you will be like, that's what I got to do, dude. That's the new work from home. Didn't that lady that was, like, called out a black guy in the park or something for doing some shit? I like that you said called out. She called them the N-word.

But I like, you're like, that's calling him out. She's got to calling him on his shit, you know? She was just calling him the N-Words. Like, yeah, you know, some people need to be called out for their. for being black. I forget what the altercation was, but she was definitely in the wrong, but then he came back at her

and then, like, fucked up her whole life, but then she just got, like, all these donations. She made, like a million bucks off of it. Yeah, it's not a bad business plan.

No. In both sides, like, they got called the N-Word gets money, woman who called the guy N-Ward gets money, his lost job. It's kind of a good system.

Yeah. It might not be the worst business plan. Yeah. So if you're listening out there, you know, just call somebody. Yeah. Send it money.

I just like, I wouldn't ask money for it. I don't know. It's like so, like, I just can't think of a situation. I mean, I guess my life is sick as it also like I don't need to do that. I don't even need it right now. I'm fucking bawling. I think people could find reasons to send you money. That's true. The only reason they have now is that I have feet attached to my ankles and they're into that.

Look how much I'm not showing them right now, dude. You can't, you don't even get these. People like the feet on this, on this pod? Yeah. was timestamps. I thought that's when my socks came off, but I think that's when they ejaculated. Yeah, you know, you don't always choose your audience, but that doesn't mean we don't love and support them. And thank you, Stoff. Sorry, Sox Kniff for 37. I really appreciate the

gift basket you gave me last week with lotion and... You might have to go full JJ at some point, dude, and just have a whole fucking sex brand. Yeah. Whole deviant sex brand, not just sex brand, but it has to be for like weirdos that are into some odd shit. But once you find that market, you just have to fuck it. Yeah, but then you're, you're stuck in it, though.

That's why I like, I don't know, I just stuck in the cum, dude. You're just in a river of jizz trying to get out. Your family seat, you go home for Christmas. They're like, good to see you. Michael. See you're doing well. This isn't far off. I mean, I talk about getting urinated on here.

And then, like, my dad's just like, why do I listen to the. why did I think it was a good idea and the funniest are the people that act like they don't listen but definitely listen you can just see it in their eyes when they see the look of disappointment when they see it and they're like hello Michael yeah all right grandma I know

I know um no well it's like my dad says he stops listening and then randomly he'll bring up like a thing I got incorrect he's fact checking you on Michael good pod yeah like Lala was initially a lady tell the early ones but the late series she was not buying it. I mean,

none of them have fucking cocks. That's my defense on this. That one is definitely a cop. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, she has a cock on her head, so yeah. Weren't they gay? Maybe she fucks her pussy with it. Weren't they gay or something?

Wasn't there a... I mean, they're gay as hell, but not like... They're never out. Yeah, I mean, they're running around like... I think they were pedophiles because the son was a baby. That's true, but I don't think they were having sex with the son. Were they?

I don't know. They worship. Who watched Telitubbies? It wasn't my generation. I was just watching Jason Statham movies because I look like them. I've involved my whole life.

I just watched Stathas. Telethubbies wasn't my generation. I think I got hit with the tubbies a little bit. Really? Yeah. As like an infant. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I wasn't, this wasn't like a, yeah. I remember seeing. I was his, I remember Barney initially. I was like, that shit's fucking lame. I'm into Batman

because he punches people really hard. That's what it really was. In my mind, it was like, oh, it's good. You know, no. I just like, it was cool to, punch people.

Did you ever fuck with bananas and pajamas? No, that was that was another show back in the day? No,

it was just these bananas and pajamas that would run around doing shit. I don't even know how to describe it actually. But it's kind of like

telitubbies. They kind of looked like that. Okay. Yeah, it's probably like a knockoff kind of Transformers. What's the other one?

The bot cons or whatever? There was another. Autobots. No, no, no. There's like the Transformers and there was like

the Go bots or something where they just kind of rip everything off. doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah. But no, that's fun. Yeah, no, it is a fun costume. We'll see.

Yeah, as I said, you know, I was supposed to spread my grandpa's ashes this week. I'm not dressed like this, but that would be. I'm like, no, it's fucking Halloween. Guys, come on. He would have wanted this. Are you get caught somewhere and you don't make, you can't make it home in time, and you have to go like that? You're all fucked up.

You're all fucked up. Halloween on a hospital has to be, like, so fucking, Hospital and handling. Hilarious. Everyone coming in dying, but they're dressed all sexy. Yeah, oh my God. They're like,

who is a nurse? I can't know who's a real nurse. Are you a patient or a nurse? Why is the nurse, did she get shot? What's going on? All the nurses in the hospital are like whore nurses

than our regular nurses. It would be sick. No, I bet you it's more like the doctor comes in and he has like a skeleton tie and he's like, I'm pretty festive this year.

You guys bleeding out. Is this fake blood? No, I'm just joshin. You want some candy? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. It will be nice to see some whatever the chicks are bringing this year, though. I knew you were going to be horny today.

I knew. I came back because it's like, I can't wait. You can't fucking not. You can't not see it, you know? Oh, that's why I'm dressing up like this tonight. By the way, it's Thursday for people that aren't listening. So Halloween's tomorrow. But tonight, yeah, so this is kind of like an in-between where I think it's funny.

And then at some point, it gets too hot. I can take the helmet off and they can see the beautiful hair. Yeah, yeah. But also it's weird when it got. tries to look cool on Halloween. You can't do that either. You got to go silly. If you're a guy and if you're a girl, you've got to go

whore. Anytime a girl tries to be like, oh, I'm a pun and tries to like explain it to him, I'm like, shut out. We're going to be friends. That's it. Fully clothed as a pun. I'm like, oh, this is interesting.

That should be fun. Yeah. That is so cute of you. I am no longer sexually attracted. For some reason. I got to get caught. So funny because funny chicks are hot to me, But for some reason, when a chick dresses up funny on Halloween, I just get my dick gets on.

Yeah. I guess if she was like super hot, she could dress as like a fat guy or something. Yeah, I don't really care. Yeah, I'm exaggerating. But yeah, it is one of my friends. It is tough for them to compete, though, and they go out and every chick is dressed like a fucking skank. Yeah. Especially because girls love attention. So it's like, if you're a hot chick and you can get more attention, why would you, you're not going to cover that up. Right. No, no, no.

Yeah. But, yeah, I was, yeah, no, I'm going out tonight. As I said, we're supposed to spread the grandpa's ashes. But somebody got sick, so, like, they moved it. Where are they doing that? Massachusetts. No shape. Yeah.

And we'll come. Yeah, dude, come check it out. He would have liked Chris. He would have liked each other. Hey, let me get a toss. Go for it. Just salt bang the ashes. I'm just fucking.

around. He's probably a good guy. Yeah, he's probably cool. Are they going to have you do stand-up at it or what? No, you'd be surprised, though. I mean, the amount of times I get lured into that. Dude, I was at my friend's brother's memorial. He passed away maybe like five years ago. And we were hanging out.

I don't know him that well. I know her. I'm friends with her, but it was down at the Cape also. And people would go up, make speeches about it, people crying. One guy wrote a song. Everybody's fucking bawling, crying. And they're like, Chris, you should do stand. stand up. I'm like, no. I'm like, this is a terrible idea. And then the parents came up there.

Like, he would have loved your standup. Can you get up and do standup? So I did. And it was not good. At the end of it, they were like, what the fuck was that? Like, do you think I had jokes like catered to the? I just went up and it was like, so about the subway in New York, huh? People were like, what? It was like traumatic. Like, I've had bombs, but I was like, I ruined this whole, I ruined the whole thing. Oh, dude, yeah. People are crying because of the jokes. Because they thought it would be like Matt Rife. Like, oh, where are you from?

Like, uh, and I was just like, no, here's my, here's my jokes about killing women. And other death and destruction that you guys don't want to hear about. But this is what you asked for. Yeah, that's great. That's a nightmare, dude. Oh, it was. But I was also like, am I being a pussy for not doing it? So I was like, fuck it, just do it.

Like, why not? And then I got up there. It's like, oh, I shouldn't have done this. Yeah. Like two minutes in. You just start crowdworking So you guys fucking Yeah

It's his parents Yeah We were joking about before You know Aaron Berg Of course Apparently he's on What's it called tonight He's on like Gutfeld or something

Or whatever Yeah Yeah Which is like a talk show And we're talking about How funny it'd be if he's just Because he does a lot of crowd work Who's doing crowdwork on the show

Like they're like no no No no we're supposed to be Talking Where are you guys from Yeah Your wife got a black guy Yeah Your wife's got huge tits

And they're like No no we're talking about something in this you're supposed to ignore the obvious they're just there to laugh he's incredible the speed at which he goes at yeah he's like oh i should never do he's one of those you watch you're like oh i shouldn't do comedy yeah yeah he has like a good way of like he says something fucked up but he's already said three more things since then so it's just like oh my god yeah yeah there's no way to uh he's like yeah black guy black chick or indian chick i'm not close enough to smell you so i don't know yeah and then the thing too is like

you, I think there is an advantage to being, like, scary to the audience because he's so jacked. I think there's a thing where people are like, I'm not going to tell this guy what to say because he might fuck me up. And then you just see a giant star David on his shoulder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like, I don't know what direction this has got a little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, that'll be, that is funny to imagine him on like a Conan or like a late night show trying to do a spot. There are certain people that, like, can't do those ever probably, right? Because they're just so offensive.

Yeah, me or you. Offensive. yeah no I do have like a clean 10 I think but yeah that's about it yeah I mean it's tough to write I try to and then I don't know my life is just like I don't know dude I mean I've been trying to go to a haunted house for weeks and nobody can go with me

that'd be that'll be something new to talk about it's like I can only go with a girl because I'm gonna have to hold somebody because I'm gonna get scared yeah yeah yeah my guy friends and no girls wanted to go to the haunted house with the scheduled and work out so yeah that was like me like let me do something new and then I'm like I guess it's back to going out and hopefully I get a joke out of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I'm going to get another joke from ketamine. Yeah, you know. You know, I notice about watching a scary movie with a chick, it's almost always going to lead to a hand job. Yeah, she jumps scares. Oh, what would I have in my hand now? Dude, I did.

If you cannot piss your pants because you're too scared, you're probably going to get a hand job. Yeah, as long as you don't scream a good job. Yeah, as long as you don't cry, you might get a hand job. Well, dude, we're watching, like, I will say this, I went soft. I was having sex last night. And we were watching Halloween.

What was his name? Hey, we don't do the bad jokes. Hey, get the fuck off the podcast. It's not the program. Hey, can I talk to you private? We're just, you think the mic's off and the mics are out? Don't you ever disrespect me from my fucking guess again, dude? Michael Good.

Morn. It's my show. I'm already wearing the costume. Like, dude, it's, what are things about me? People are going to think. People are going to start talking. I already admitted I watched gay porn to prove myself not gay one time.

But I was having sex as a girl and then I just hear like, no! In the back guy, I just kept going soft. I was like, well, good thing this didn't because it's made me more hard, but I was like, it's hard to have sex while there's people getting murdered.

Oh, you watch it. We're watching Halloween, which, the most confusing timeline of any movie series. Do you know how this all works? I've only seen the latest one than the first one. Okay.

This is how it works. Halloween came out, right? Halloween 2 came out, both done by John Carpenter, both about Michael Myers. Third movie, and the second one reveals a bunch of stuff you find out, you know, it's Michael Myers is Jamie Lee Curtis's sister or something like that. Or Jamie Curtis is Michael Myers' sister. First one came out in what, the 80s? Like 70, late 70s. Second one's supposed to be like the next night. There's lots of Michael Myers' escapes or whatever, something like that. Anyways, the third movie is about a witch. completely unrelated. Same director and everything? Same director. And I guess what happened was John Carpenter

wanted to do Halloween. He wanted every movie to be like a different kind of Halloween story. But they were like no, the second one's got to be a sequel to the first one. And they're like, fine, we'll do your idea of like the witch thing. And I don't think he wrote the third one. But the third one just about a witch, nothing related to the original story. Fourth one, they're like, okay, Michael Myers will come back.

Four through six, just sequels to one and two. Then they do Halloween 20 years later. which in that one, four through six don't exist. They're like, forget four through six,

remember one and two. So they're like, we're remaking one and two, or we're just adding on to one and two? Forget three, four, through five through three through six. Then Rob Zombie did a Halloween movie, which is a reboot.

So like, forget everything and just go back to the beginning. Then Danny McBride made three movies, and he goes, forget two through nine, just the first one. Forget the other, like, forget everything. This is just after the first one, 50 years later.

So anybody can make a holiday, like, we could make a Halloween? I guess. If Rob Zombie could do it, I don't know. But it's like it's not a franchise. It's not like a Marvel or something. Like people are just like... It is like, but I think it's like alien too. We're like, but alien's a little more consistent.

Like, this is alien before. There's still some consistent storyline. They're not like, forget this one, but remember this one. And then remember this one, but forget this one. What's the latest one? What was the one that makes you go soft? We just watched the first one. The original.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's some tities in it. But then the tithes get murdered. I've talked about this before in the podcast. And the tities get murdered. Yeah. And then you got, I'm not into bloody tities. And we were talking about as a kid, like, you like try to whack off for these

horror movies. And then, but you have like a brief time period because they always get killed after they're having sex. So you're like, I got like three minutes to bust or I will be busting to a woman getting murdered. So. What's it like going soft with a, with a woman? Is that scary? Shut the bunch of it.

She starts shrieking like he being murdered. Yeah. Halloween music starts playing. I'm not bragging, it's literally never happened to me. Maybe I don't last that long. Maybe that's why. I mean, I have gone soft, but after I ejaculate. Whenever I try to put on a condom, it's just a little Mario.

Back to a little Mario. Yeah, I don't think it ever- Your body's like, we don't do condo. Don't be, stop being a pussy. Stop wearing Halloween costumes. Yeah. Yeah, well, one thing with condoms, I've never put it on the right direction ever once in my life.

You always put it on backwards and you go wait. Every time. You're right. And then I worry, I'm like, did I get pre-cum on there? And I'm going to put the pre-cum in her. It should have directions on there. Or it should be very clear. Yeah, yeah.

I think it goes both ways. Obviously, it goes both ways, right? But one's better than the other. I think if you roll it, because it's like a toilet paper roll. Well, I guess I can go both ways. I don't think you can roll a condom on back. Oh, yeah, because you're right. It would be like, yeah.

It would just yarmaca. They would just sit on the head, yeah. I like to roll it. I like to roll it. Oh my goodness, am I going to go into a vagina? What a glorious date is something. I like to roll it out completely look at it and then just stick my... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you hold this end of it? Pull it all down, yeah. Just strapping it on like a latex glove. Like, all right. That would be such a fucking ick for most women if you just snapped the con ones that's on your dick. Showtime. what's the worst thing you could say before? We've practiced for this.

I don't know. I like Showtow. That's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, I don't might. I don't know. Oh, the one thing I want to say about Yamakas, I do.

I know it's respectful to put a yama. It just feels weird putting on other people's religious clothes. It's like, hey, am I going to put on a hijab? Yeah. And I was like, you know, you guys know I really don't believe in this. right? Like, this is now mocking the thing because I'm like dressing up like,

I believe it's, I don't know, yeah. Where do you have to do that? Like Jewish weddings. Jewish weddings and, bat mitzvahs? Bat mitzvahs, yeah, which I'm not going to anymore. Court order. Court order.

No. No. Bad mitzvahs, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Just had the bar mitzvah, like, when are we changing the weather? Yeah. Where are my superpowers at?

Yeah, that's a weird thing, too. the, I guess temples, the only place you're supposed to speak Hebrew, I think. So, like, the Hasid, they speak Yiddish. The people around here. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, it was so funny, too. I was getting my check at the bank and for my rent. And around me was all

acidic guys. And I'm like, I wonder if I could just give this to one of these guys, just be like, can you give this to my land? You guys, come on. We're, like, four doors down for my apartment. You guys definitely know my landlord. There's no fucking way you don't. I was, like, looking around at them, I'm like, is that my landlord? I literally like, that looks exactly like my landlord. I give basketball lessons on this app. Like, anybody can sign up for basketball lessons.

My last four clients have been adult, Hasidic Jewish people wearing the garb. Jewish guys love basketball. They love hoops. They love hoops. It's crazy. Because they're like, yeah, I want to pick up with my friends, but, like, I want to work on it. And they're also, like, they're like, they're, like, they adroit. They have a problem and then they address a problem.

Whereas, I don't know, I think the average 25-year-old guy wouldn't be like, I need basketball lessons. You know, they'd be too proud where they're just like, they're very like analytical. Like, oh, I want to get better at this. I need to get a lesson. And actually, yeah, exactly. Versus like, I'm not going to have something to teach me out of the basketball. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I won't take lessons for it. I don't care if you're a grown man. You're not going to tell me how to surf or how to do anything. I'm not going to listen to God. Yeah. That was the most condescending thing. dude, like, I went snowboarding like probably like four years ago with my ex

and like there was this guy who was on the trip of this. And I've never felt emasculated in my whole life. This guy's like, you're doing great, bud. You're crushing it. I was just like, ah! Yeah, yeah, because they're so used to giving lessons to children. Exactly, yeah.

Oh my God, you're a child. Oh my God, you're great. Hey, Bradley, cut it out. This is really making me feel horrible. It's like, now I'm going to fuck your girlfriend. Yeah, I might as well just sit. Yeah. No, when we broke up, I definitely think maybe that guy got in there, but, you know.

Who hasn't? Yeah, who hasn't? I didn't even have to give a lesson. That is the funny thing, because now she has a new... Now she has a new boyfriend, so I can't... I feel like weird making certain jokes, because now I'm joking about somebody else's girlfriend. I'm like, ah, man, no, I don't want that. I get a good thing.

I used to be the guy. I'm like, no, I got to get to Zeemer. Make jokes about my ex getting real. Now I'm like, hey, hey, he's going to... Dude, I had a couple... I had a couple, like, sketch. matches up on my Instagram with this girl in Brazil. And she hit me up recently.

He was like, you need to take those down. I have a boyfriend now. I was like, he gives a comedy sketch. Yeah. Who cares? But I kind of get it because it's like, yeah. They were kind of jokes about like us fucking, I mean, kind of in a way. But he's, it's so insecure if he cares about that.

Right. I think maybe she, I don't know. Maybe she took the initiative. But I can't imagine he. I do get that with podcast clips or someone. He's like, yeah, I quit comedy. and I'm now am a nurse, so you have to delete all these podcasts.

I was like, I want to have I cheezed in her ears. That's fair, man, I get it. That's the thing. Once you go down the comedy route, it's tough to, like, erase all that from the... Dude, there's 300 hours of me saying retarded shit on YouTube. It's like, even if, like,

I guess I could just delete it all. Like, I don't know. It's like, I did somebody else's podcast. You mean, what am I going to track down some other guy's podcast where I said some shit? Right, right. I'd have to change, I'd have to have the life of like a sex offender

where I'd have to yeah, I'd have to completely change everything. Once the Dems are back in charge, you get to get everything. Free speech will be gone. They're going to take it from us, dude. Yeah, Kamala Harris is going to come by and just take the microphones out of my apartment.

No, these are mine now. That's good. You guys have had your time to talk. That's a really good Kamala. You better hope she becomes relevant again. That was the first time I ripped it too. I was like, let me see drunk,

stupid bitch. That's good. That would be a funny thing if every four years just one political party gets free space and the other... You've said the thing.

You're gonna listen to us. That is kind of how it worked. Exactly how it worked. Well, one's a lot more fun than the other... Yeah, that is true. I mean, the left, they just don't have the same fringe.

Like, their influences are like Hassan Piker who's just like this hot Middle Eastern guy. It's kind of more like whiny, I feel like that. Yeah, they're racist on accident. Yeah, exactly. Right, not for fun.

Yeah. Yeah, I really have like no place as like a, I don't know, I'm just like a non. I'm just like a non. I'm very. Libertarian. It's fun to say libertarian now because it doesn't really mean anything. Yeah, no, I never fact checks.

Like, what does that mean? I was like, oh, this guy's weird. Yeah. I just want nothing. I want no rules. Nothing. Yeah. Just liberty.

Yeah. That's the thing. All the names, it's like, Oh, I want democracy. Oh, you're a Democrat? It's like, I don't know. I want Republic. Oh, you're a Republican.

Oh, I want liberty. Libertarian. Yeah, well, they can't go extreme with it. They can't be like, we don't want Mexican party. Or like, it's okay to chop off baby penis. You know what I mean? It's like, you can't. You can't, you know.

Which I really don't know how much of that actually happens. It is really funny because, like, I've never seen a, we chop off baby penises. but everybody's arguing about the argument's always funny because it's always like the conservative guy's like do you or do you not think it's okay

to chop somebody's penis off if they're in age of 18 and they're like where is that happening? Yeah, I've never heard like anyone in my life but also I am like

you should also be like I don't think that's okay I'm not cool with that yeah yeah yeah there's never seen it happen now yeah yeah it's so funny I have no idea

I have zero clue yeah yeah there's some shit you just don't but the argument just goes in circles because they're like so you think it's okay

to collect They're like, show me where they're cutting off kids weaners. Oh, so you want to see baby penis. Oh, so you're a pedophile. And all comes back to that. Yep, there's no... All roads lead to benefit. That's where I say there's no...

There's no... Just there's a rabbit holding a small penis. You looked at it. There is no... Yeah, that was the funniest. I thought about a couple weeks ago. I was like... Because possession of pornography is like,

on like a laptop or something like that. But it's very funny the idea of a guy looking at child porn but not possessing it. He's just another man holding pictures. He's like, wasn't touching it. Wasn't my possession. Yep, nope. Was outside my apartment?

It was on the street. I paid the guy to pull up the pictures, but no. This sounds like I'm incriminating myself, but it feels like putting child porn on somebody else's phone or laptop is going to be really easy to do if people aren't already doing it. And it's like, that's the biggest fucking curse ever. Dude, every fucking...

And it's like, Nobody's asking questions. They're just like, nope, fucking pedophile. Who was the guy? It happened to some guy recently involved in something. There was a guy where it's just like, oh, yeah, the guy for fucking the Charlie Kirk thing. Oh, they said that with him? The old guy, just the next day, just tons of child porn.

It happened with Stephen Paddock's brother, too. Dude. What happened? Stephen Paddock was like, his brother was like, Stephen was not like this ever. I don't know what happened. And then like a week later, like, you're a fucking child porn ever guy. Yeah. Which is somebody too, because you still could have the information, but people were like,

what am I going to listen to it? Yeah. Pedophile, no. My favorite was there was an alien guy that had that happen to him too. So, like, the aliens, he kept coming forward to, like, pictures of aliens in his apartment.

He's like, dude, fucking, there's aliens. And there's tons of it. I love the idea of the aliens. What else do you got pictures of? Yeah, yeah. How many people have we just negated great opinions from just simply because they were pedophiles, you know?

We should have listened. We should have heard him out. Yeah. She heard from Subway. He was onto something. Yeah, he was on. Great ideas. Yeah.

That guy got fucked. He knew. he didn't even get to do any of it right or maybe he went to like tie i think he was in like tie like lady boys no he was but i mean he was fucking like who is he was a 15 year old pros too it's in thailand was he yeah yeah he had like a wingman that was hooking him up yeah he had like he had it was too systematic that was the thing you had a guy getting it for him and yeah if you have a whole system of it it's not it's not good and you're talking about it openly and this is just what we've seen like he was like he was like preparing to like

fuck like tons of kids like he was about to go off yeah dude he was a ticket time bomb it was about to be showtime for him yeah yeah he was getting the combo meal yes he was tying his shoelaces and stuant stretches how about that late came in and they were like nope how about that lady that set him up though like all the phone conversations she for sure was just fucking it was so funny she's like yeah no i wanted to like really catch a predator so it went like 19 dates with jerry from subway you're like okay so you just didn't care really probably you saw he wasn't giving you money and then you're like, all right, you're going to jail. Oh, I'm paying for drinks on this day?

Yeah, no, thank you. No, thank you. The funniest one with... Can't trust these hoes. You can't. The funniest one with him was there was one where he sat down in, like, a... I was, like, in a school, and he's about to interview, because he did this, like, Jared Fogle for kids kind of program.

Yeah. Obviously, she's seen it coming, but... He goes on there, and it's so funny, he's talking to this woman, and then she's, like, before the camera start rolling, he's like, he said something, like, completely insane. Like, just assuming she'd be on board. he's like, man, how do you, how do you not find all these kids hot? Anyways,

and they just, like, can't record. And she's just like, what the fuck? And they just had to, like, be like, so, like, oh, geez. Really? Yeah, she's like, like, immediately before the camera's front. He's like, but he said it, like, so, like, not even like, he was just like, damn. He's like, his fucking school's full, a lot of hot kids.

Anyways, we start the interview now, cameras rolling. Anyways, sandwiches are fun. Yeah, yeah. Like, fucking nuts. Anyways, turkey's delicious. Yeah, yeah. Then he's got it delicious, Tracy. Yeah.

And then you just got to sit there and interview this guy and know and all that stuff. Poor guy. How long is he, he's in for life or how long is he in for? He's got to be out by now. Because I think he had like child porn charges. And then I think that would, I don't know how long. From my understanding that isn't as long as it should be. That's not me just trying to look like a good guy.

I'm pretty sure it's like not that long if you. Yeah, yeah. Trump just pardons him. Yeah, yeah. The sandwiches are good. Yeah, you got the rappers in the first term. Now he's getting all the pedos. There might be some stragglers in there, so work around them.

You definitely pass me my zins. Yeah, that's the gross habit of putting zins back in your zin can. Oh, whenever people want one of mine, I give my used one for sure. Like, dude, this one doesn't have much flavor. It's like, yeah, it's weird. They're toning them back for some reason. I think I got a dud. the fucking, um...

You put it in the top, huh? You put yours in the bottom? Yeah, what's the difference? I don't know. I just saw somebody put it in the top and I was like, I guess you put Zins in the top. And they were cool? Yeah, the person that did it.

Yeah, it was a cool guy. I did it. Yeah, I saw Tucker Carlson do it and go, oh! I was like, yeah, that's a cool guy. Let me, uh... Well, I just said you do it, so I'm always going lower.

Yeah, now that you're the kind of ruined it. The guy and the, uh, the funny is, I want to say this. So I, I have been on a real, uh, ghosts or fake. uh, rand. Nice. Then, like, ghost or fuck of it. In my own apartment. That's when they come to get you.

Buddy. So, first of up, I think I talked about this last week. Randomly, I, uh, I went to bed listening to a police recording of Kid Rock on his ranch. Have you heard this one? No, but I love one. He called, somebody died on a Polaris, which is basically like a motorized golf cart on his property. And he's just calling that one. It's like him and like some black lady.

And he's like, said people. He's dead. He died of the Polaris. And she's like, sir, who? who are you? And he's like, he goes, said people, do not know what the fuck I'm saying, bitch? And it's like, sir, where am I sending the people? And he's like,

listen, just fucking said people. And I just fell asleep watching that. Woke up the next day. I woke up two hours later to just an audio recording of police calls. I'm fully awake. I'm in my room. And I'm hearing, there's four bodies here,

help, help, help. And I'm looking to where the sounds coming from. I can't figure it out, dude. It's fucking weird. I'm awake for probably like two minutes, like looking in my drawers. I can't buy it. I can't find my fucking phone. By my phone, it's dead.

So either I fell asleep watching just police videos or it was like sleep paralysis. Was it, was your TV on? No, this is on my phone. Oh, it was on your phone. My TV has been unplugged for, forever, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Yeah. That happened.

So three options. Ghosts. I have schizophrenia. Yeah. I Oh, I had a video playing on my phone Maybe that was last video Then my phone died

Fourth option Um What is it fucking I just apparently sleep paralysis You can be moving And still be half asleep And have like hallucinations Because you're like

Yeah Half asleep So those are the possible options Then I uh What was it fucking Um All right

I'll be honest I did catamine this weekend Yeah Yeah Okay I got after it a little bit. God, the town has to... Appreciate your honesty.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I always try to lie to listeners make it look like, I'm like, I'm like, no, no, no, I did a lot of ketamine this weekend. Just did a K-hole listening to the police. This is what I did a K-hole. I watched my podcast, and I was like, this fuck, because I was hanging out with people

were doing ketamine, and then they all left. And I'm like, let me objectively watch my podcast on ketamine. And I'm sitting on the couch where I record it, so I'm watching myself sitting in the same position. And I'm going, Fuck this shit This sucks This is so bad

I'm like That's a terrible podcast Yeah Yeah Really hating my podcast Then Now you know how everybody else Yeah

I can't even Especially put yourself With somebody else's shoes And then These chairs Start fucking I'm tripping ball These chairs are moving

Like the beauty And the beast Yeah And I have very good Drug Brain where I go I literally am like Stop This is annoying

I don't want Dancing There's like a video Me talking chairs. I'm like, just be a fucking chair. This is, I don't need a beauty of the beast chair. I know, I, yeah, it's funny. Because I get a beauty in the beast.

You're reprimanding the chair. Yeah, I'm like, just be a chair. I don't, I don't want to hang out with you. I'm like, I don't want to dance with you chairs. Yeah, yeah. But I still know I am like, in the video, I'm like, yeah, no, I'm on ketamine. So obviously, this is with just the effects of the drugs. Then I saw like a vortex right there where my room is. Like a crazy, trippy, like, just kind of like vortex thing.

A couple nights later. hanging out my roommate. And I'm like, yeah, you know, it's fucking stupid ghosts. They're totally not real. If you can hear me, ghosts, you're not real. Shut the fuck up. I'm not scared to you. That night I go to bed.

Next morning, I walk out here, and my door just locks behind me. And I have to break into my own room because the door just locked behind me after I talk all the shit about the fucking ghosts. So possible option, likely option, is when I was like half asleep, I like locked the what do you call it? The fucking door, but didn't close it. And then the next day, I opened the door, closed it behind me while the lock was still turned.

No. Because it's like just like a, what do you call those locks that was just like a little knob? You have I'm saying? Like you can close, you can have the door open, close the lock and then close the door. Right. So either that or there's...

A deadbolt. Yeah. It's not deadbolt. It's like a... Just a... Yeah, yeah, one of those little... Yeah. And then I broke my door.

I tried to pick it. Thought I was like an expert. I was like, if I can pick this lock. It didn't work. And then I pushed it really hard, cracked the doorframe, took a knife, eventually studied my roommate's door, and figured out how to like, gnagle the thing.

Noggle, is that a word? Toggle. Toggle. Okay, okay, anyways. I'm not, I know it sounds like another word. It's not what I'm saying. I got into my apartment with a credit card the other day. I'd only seen that in movies, but it works.

Yeah, no, it does work. And the knife worked eventually, but my door frame's broken. Then some guy goes, hey, man, do you still need to lock pick set? I'm going over to somebody else's house to unlock the door. I'm like, oh, that would have been fucking convenient. Sorry, man, I had to go James Bond on my door. Yeah, yeah, I had to. People just have lock kit says?

Yeah, I might get one, dude. If I have to, if I, like, get locked out again, I don't know. Especially now that you have ghosts living here. They're probably going to have it all the time. I'm, like, considering being like, why don't you just admit that this goes? I'm sorry, I said you're not real ghosts. The problem is I'm too scared.

to admit if I believe in ghosts because I don't want to feel like a crazy person. Right. And I don't, I've never felt any sort of like ghost presence. I haven't either. I've always wanted to, but then I kind of like pussy out.

Like anytime it's like, oh, is it? Then I just like, go back to sleep. Yeah, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm never in the mood for ghosts. No, no. My favorite ghost hunter's videos that won't pop up on my, uh, uh, Instagram the other day.

And the guy is like, he's sitting there with a glass of, like a shot of whiskey. And he's like, there's a spirit. He's just telling me to take another shot. He's telling me to take a shot. The guy just takes a shot of whiskey. He goes, dude, that was, I didn't want to.

But the spirit made me do it. Boom. Yeah. That's how I am with fucking fat chicks. Yeah. They keep telling me to do it. I'm definitely not just super attracted to them. It's definitely.

It's not due to a lack of options. It's the spirit. It's what I prefer. Yeah. Yeah. You seem like a guy that doesn't bang fat chicks. I can't remember my last fat chick, no offense, fat chicks

But uh You must have some memory No, I can't remember I mean, definitely in like college for sure Yeah, but um Yeah, now I guess I have finer taste now

What can I say? Also, I feel like women are in better I like fat chicks Women are in better shape now, you know? I feel like they That's true I also, I'm just, yeah, I am just into fat chicks

Yeah, I don't know Yeah, I mean, I feel like There's really no reason And if a chick is a big chick to, like, lose weight, there's enough people out there that are willing to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we kind of got to get in shape, get our act together. Otherwise, nobody's going to bang us.

But for them, it's like, yeah, somebody will, somebody's going to bang them. Yeah, next week is my getting my act together week. I've decided that. Do a little more party in tonight and tomorrow and then, you know. Yeah. Yeah, because it's like, you can't just get pussy and get drug all the time. It's not good for you.

Fight ghosts. And then what's fight ghosts? Yeah, then you fight ghosts. Yeah, I can't be doing Kedmin and arguing with my chairs. This has been fun. I was going to say, it's good for the pod. Yeah. It's probably good.

Oh, I mean, that's half of it. I am like, all right, what am I not going to go out at Halloween? I'm like, no, I'm going to go out, dresses at Delta. You kind of got to get some stories. The podcast, like, encourages you to do some crazy shit. Because if you were just here talking about, like, what a normal, well-behaved week you had, people would be like, what is this? Or those podcasts are like, you know what I can't stand? When you get soup and they don't give you crackers.

and you're like, what made you want to get into comedy? Yeah. Yeah, you're like, I don't know, it is weird when you have like no. And I said, I try to do other stuff. Like, I want to go to hunt houses or zoos. I think I'll plan a zoo trip soon, you know. Zos are fun. Drafts for like an hour or see if I get something with that.

But yeah. Zos are a great time. They're kind of sad, but they're also kind of fun. I don't want them to go anywhere, you know? Yeah. I have mixed feelings because, like, you throw that monkey in the wild. He's just going to get raped by a bunch of other monkeys. Right.

So it's like, I. I don't know. Also, they live a lot longer in captivity, you know? They do, yeah. We live for like two years in the wild. I say we don't take any more, but we keep the ones we got. Let them keep them keep breeding. Yeah, just put up cool facilities for them.

I don't know. There is one orangutan thing that they like. It's called rangatans school. And they, I mean, these slow learners, but no, but it is like a thing where they fucking, it's adorable because they transport the baby orangutans and just a wheelbarrel. So just a wheelbarrow full like 12 baby orangutans there's something. like, who. He's so sick.

How do you get a job at one of those places? You got to live in Indonesia. What about the Saudis that have like tigers and lions as pets? That looks pretty sweet.

There's running away from like tigers in their like giant living room. Yeah, they're just playing. That would be one. That would be. Well, such a flex. Like Miami has that too

because people are like, it's like sick as hell to have like exotic pets. And nobody that's going into your mansion thinks you're a good guy. You're like a Saudi prince. Right. Yeah.

He's like, you might as well. Many fans models take dumps on you. Are you really going to get mad about the Cheetah I own? Yeah. Yeah, it is pretty crazy. Oh, but yeah, they kind of retrain them in because rantans aren't like super violent. So they'll like introduce them back in the wild.

Like I think at first they're kind of just like, who the fuck are you? And they're like, all right. You like bananas also? You seem like a good guy. Yeah, there's also those that have freakouts every once in a while and like eat someone's face off. Because they seem like cute and cuddly. And you assume their power is like human strength, but it's like 50 times human strength.

Ripping off a face. Like it's a band-aid. Yeah. I would be curious too, though, because humans obviously got weaker over time because we had to do less things. But I bet you the most jacked guy could fuck up the most jacked guy like 100 years ago.

Most jacked guy now. But I don't know, because a lot of it's like physical strength. Like a lot of it's like bodybuilders. Some of them it's just appearance versus like. And they probably bent her a lot more shit 100 years ago. Yeah, but they... Probably a little tougher.

But their fighting's got to be... They gotta have a weird, like, they're probably doing this thing, you know what I mean? They're also dying at like 15 and shit. Yeah. You'd have to have like a... Kicking a 15-year-old task. Yeah, so you got... They don't have as much to live for...

They don't appreciate life as much. Yeah, because they don't anticipate living that long, so they're probably more willing to die in a fight. Yeah, so it would be Mike Tyson versus like a 15-year-old orphan who cleans chimneys. Yeah, yeah. And then we're like, this is the strongest guy back then, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I would like to wrestle a gorilla or something if I knew it was like... Just messing around.

Yeah, I think that'd be fun. Yeah, like maybe... Or you'd just get a hug for one, maybe. Would be pretty sweet? Yeah. It looked like they could give them a fucking awesome hug. Oh, I'm sure, dude. Yeah, my dad had a monkey.

I have the problem is I talked about all this stuff. But... The good news is people aren't listening consistently. Hey, if you listen to the first three... episodes, there's no way you made it this movie. No, fuck no. I can tell these again, yeah. Yeah, I think Mike Tyson wanted to fight a gorilla.

Like, he, like, tried to do it. Like, not like he jumped in the cage, but he's like, I don't understand why I can't fight this gorilla. And they're like, because this is the fucking Bronx Zoo. Kangaroos, I think a kangaroo is like a decent matchup for a human. Yeah, I've hugged a kangaroo. Yeah, I went to a kangaroo farm.

There's also that video of a guy punching a camera. Yeah, yeah. I think if you like declaw, that would be a regular. If you put, if you put boxing gloves on it. Yeah. I think that'd be a decent fight. I think it's like a baby chimp. I could probably...

Um, but I don't know. It's probably physically stronger, but like I have this such a height advantage that I think I could probably... Intelligence maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They, uh, I mean, it's crap.

I mean, they fucking, that lady got her face ripped off like before. You're from Connecticut. Yeah. That fucking chimp was like driving cars and shit. Yeah. They had, it was like fully like... They were like, yeah, just drive the car. What did it got that?

I was behind him in the bank for like an hour. He was like... He got mad that... You're just scribble with crayons in the check now. It got upset that it didn't get a birthday cake or something? Yeah, like the friend went and went to the house. It wasn't the owner. And it didn't like the friend or some shit.

And it was like, hey, you're a fucking stupid bitch. Ripper your face. Get the fuck out of it. Get off my property. That was in Connecticut? Yeah. No shit. That is such a woman thing, too, though.

She's like, no, I'm going to get him to like me. I'm going to get him to like me. He just hasn't met me yet. I can fix him. She already has a black eye. yeah broken nose black eyes she's like no he's just he's actually really sweet yeah

yeah it's a uh well that that one was crazy too because he ripped the doors off and the cop just shot him like he ripped a car door off a fucking car dude his name is Travis that's pretty ex-games of him to rip off a fucking door yeah yeah yeah yeah so they killed him right there right there yeah yeah he shot him and then he like bled out in the house he made it back into the house

and then he yeah they found him like bleeding out but he had like one last banana. It's not obviously. Like one last. Going out like Kirk. He's playing Donkey Kong on N64. That game is the best. Yeah.

We are. We are. I do hate to cut this off, but we are over an hour. What do you guys want to promote? Thank God, dude. That's it for me, dude. Nothing too exciting.

Follow me on Instagram. Jax Ram, L.O.L. Very funny. Your Instagram is fucking amazing. All right. Thank you. All right, brother. Let's go.