Morning Good - Snapchat Me That If It's Cool - Episode 330

Episode Date: September 29, 2026

Joe Pappalardo and Jake Strom join the show for today's episode. They talk about the gayest place on earth (Austin, Texas), the first chimp in space, and combining Catholicism with Zoloft.Thanks to Jake for coming back the show and to Joe for joining for the first time.. You can check out Jake on previous episodes of the show and for more from both of them hit the links down below.Jake is on Instagram @jakestromlol and hosts the 2 Casual Podcast. Joe is on Instagram as well @joerpappalardo.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, you all to start a. Welcome to morning. We're here with Joe Papalardo and Jake Strom. Gangster life. Amazing. Yeah.

Yeah. And you're talking about euphoria? Yeah. Foria. Yeah, dude. Why have people mad at Sydney Sweening right now? Because she's showing tits in his football season. Why hasn't she been doing that on your fours?

She was like nine. It's like, hey, she's playing her role. Yeah. You're going to get mad at LeBron for windmill dunking? You know, like, it's her move. Let her jam it. Yeah, it does seem silly. I don't know.

Like, I don't know what the, uh, it seems like more like feminist people are mad at her. Yeah, they don't like women showing tits when they have tits. but if you don't have tits you can you can yeah oh yeah that's kind of the rule body positivity is there like a guy version that like if you're conservative guy and you have a small penis well i hate seeing ripped guys you know it's like all right that is true it should be like against the i mean the comics that drives me fucking crazy like a shirtless jack guy he's like just chatting and say this some extra tickets pick a lane and then here i am just like yeah those guys are fucking weird it's like are you hot or funny like fuck out yeah yeah yeah it uh yeah it's a weird thing

because that's how I made rent this month, this fucking, this fan, this fucking fan. No, no, this guy who I'm like, thank you. Loyal number one. Yeah, he's like, don't wear your, now I feel like I like Steven Seagal when he's like making movies for the mafia when I take my shoes off to podcast

because he's like, I'll give you $200. He's like, sweet because somebody else owed me money. And then I was like, yeah, somebody owes me a bunch of money is like, and then just found me a thousand extra dollars. And I was like, all right, so I guess I'm your sex slave? Dude, I would chill cock for that money. I mean, just toes. I was a week.

away from the recycling dickpicks I sent to women and I was like, all right, I guess I could, I guess I could do this. That's a good move. You're recycling? It's not a new batch. Yeah, it's good for the environment because it's recycled. But I'm like, yeah, I got to figure something out with this buddy stuff because this morning was really funny too because I have like three day jobs and one of them was like canvassing for a charter school and I was like getting really into it. I was listening to the distance by a cake and I was like the arena is still empty except for one man. I'm like, that's like I was like, he's like no roses, no troves. like, dude, I got to go out there.

You gotta get it. And it'll work so hard of this job. And then I just like, I think I just, like, just to walk around places to campus for a charter school. I think I literally just like sat in a chair

like bed bath and beyond. I don't want to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll see somebody up like, I'll ask if their kids want to enroll in it. I was like, no, no, no, no. The next one, the next one. Fuck them kids.

Yeah. And then that went on for like five hours. Charter school. Is that like private school? I don't really know what it is. I just say it's like private school, but it's free. They're close, yeah.

Yeah. That's crazy, though. It's those kids or your feet picks. Like, that's your life. You're, like, in euphoria. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, my life is closer to euphoria than anybody's. You are Sydney Sweeney.

You're Sydney, sweetie. That is, I used to do a bit about that because I was, like, a cool kid in high school, and I was like, that stuff was not a drama. That was, like, the fun part where you're just doing drugs and everybody's fingering cheerleaders and having a good time. The drama is afterwards where that guy has to work in an office and wants a stick gun in his mouth. That's like the more. they didn't really show that part. Like, hey, I hate my life. Yeah.

They kind of, I guess, like, the last season was like, she was like only fans or some shit. Yeah. But it was always, I guess, dramatic. I guess there's a little bit of comedy in there, too. I don't know. So I guess they did kind of, I think the end is that the cool kids doesn't work out for them. Yeah. Cool kids always win, though.

That's what I, I do think personality-wise, it's like, there is something where somebody can get bullied so hard that they become evil. Like, that's definitely, I think it thinks. everybody's like... That's all billionaires now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But then, like, they all become like

VPs of sales. Like, all the cool kids. Yeah. They're the richest people I know. Yeah. But it's always through their dad and it's like, oh, course.

Another layup for you. Yeah. Like, fuck you. I hope you die. And then they do. And you're like... Yeah, I'm driving. It's like,

all right. Thank you, Fettinal. I mean, I didn't... I feel like they're... I'm sure I'm not the first one to say, but it is funny because Jesus did say the meek will inherit the earth.

Yes. when you look at the meek. They are not. I'm saying like Elon and like Zuckerberg. Yeah, but like Elon, I mean, those guys are like social network portrayed them as like a psycho. Yeah. Yeah. They're driven.

They're not meek at all. Like he stole Facebook. Do I not know what meek means? Well, meek means like. Oh, okay. I thought meek just meant kind of nerd. I mean, I guess maybe they hit a little bit and then. It's the same thing.

Yeah. I know Meek Mill. That's all I. That's a funny name for a rabbit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm nois. Meek. Why is that song?

Dreams and Nightmare? Like, you come out on stage, The Flames, like, The Flames is a scale. Yeah, I can go out there. Wait a minute. Y'all thought I was finished? When I bought that Ashton Martin,

y'all thought it was renting? I thought it was, too. Kind of. There's one rap lines that'll meek. I love, uh, what's that song? It's, I think it's Yo Gotti. It's like, Snapchat meet up pussy.

If it's cool. You know that Yo Gotti is so funny, dude Because that's like two separate texts Like he sends it He's like, that's too much, that's too much No, yeah Snapchat, me that pussy's in all caps Yeah, yeah, yeah

And then he's like, all right, if it's cool If it's cool I don't want to be too pushy, I don't ask too much Shut up, yo Yeah, but yeah I don't know what meek And I really don't know what it means

I don't know, I'm just gonna Fuck words Yeah, yeah That's why he chose it He just chose it because it's cool Yeah Yeah I'll go with Mill.

Mill, yeah Where's he from? Philly. Okay. We don't, I don't think we have any Orlando rappers. Jacksonville's got some, he,

you got Kodak. Well, that's, yeah, Jacksonville, yeah. Really, there's no Orlando,

well, Disney's, that's kind of like, yeah, I think they're, they immediately did a rap battle. It's like, yo,

this bitch Mickey Mouse. And they're like, ah, ha, ha, yeah, you know, Peter Pan walking up here. Yeah,

fuck, fuck, okay, I gotta go home. I gotta go home. Yeah. Yeah. I,

I also watch, I was weirdly hyping myself up today. I watched the 8 Mile rap battle. I needed that so bad. I needed that so bad. Because I was just like, I hated my job. I'm like, why am I doing this? And I saw it. I was like, I'm hosting at Greenwich tonight.

I got to do that. I got to be B. Rabbit on stage. Yeah. Do that to the comic you bring up. Just start roast battling. They're like, I don't know the format of the show. This bitch come up here with his motherfuckettuccous on, pussy ass. They're like, what? You're supposed to introduce me with some credentials or

Yeah, bringing up Aaron Berg. Give it up for this Jew-ass mother. His name's not even Burke. You're wearing a fur coat. What's up with him? He's just a few, you're not supposed to say that. Hey, I'm supposed to be saying the racist thing. Some of this black guy.

Shut up, Berg. That is a... Yeah, he's so... I heard him talking about peptides one time. And then, like, a fatter comic was telling him he needs to... It's, like, all these studies on it. We're like, all right, I'm gonna... This is the guy.

Yeah. No his body stuff. How old is he like fucking 60s? He's jacked as fuck. He's got to be, yeah, like 50s, but he's looking more and more like 70. Yeah. He is getting it. It's looking rough, but he won't see this.

It's fine. Yeah, yeah, no, he won't. Well, I think also like it's like 40, you can be jack. I think I don't know. I do have a fan. I mean, I worked out the most I ever was when I did the weight loss challenge thing. And then I think like from then on, I'm like, I do not have the energy to do this. but it would be fun to randomly disappear and come back jacked into it.

Winter arc. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, under hoodies. Yeah. I'm getting tattoos each week and doing steroids.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing, though. Getting jacked, that has to be your thing. You don't drink. You don't do any drugs. You have to just be all in on that. Yeah, that's what I told myself at the beginning of the month and it didn't work out.

Yeah, you've got to pick one. He's like, drugs are way more fun. Yeah, they are. Than lifting around a bunch of sweaty guys. Yeah, it's so. Like one of my friends, because my roommate started running and he's like, is it true alcohol, just destroys work out? You're like, no, you just have to work out like way more. Because some people are like, I have a friend who's jacked as fuck.

He's like, I go to the gym two hours day. I'm like, I'll never do that ever. No, fuck you. Yeah, that seems like, I don't know, it's a waste of time. But then you're like, you have that little delusional mind. You're like, yeah, but what if somebody books me because I'm cute? Show business. That's what it is, baby.

Yeah, you got to do the peptides at that point, man. Yeah. There's no time to, like, work out. Like, if you're doing stand-up. Like, I would only work out at night. Are peptides, like, roids, Ozempic? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Actually, yeah. I think it is kind of like a mix. Nice. Yeah, I think it's like a, like, you know, they got two-see, which is like the drug is a mix of a bunch of stuff. That's sort of the two-see of that. They're like, bro, this is weight. This is like fat burner and muscle bigger.

Yeah, when I think of two-see, I just think of that wide receiver, Stefan Diggs on a boat, like, right before the NFL season started, just waving a bag of two-s. Call me daddy. He's saying call me daddy. Training camp is in three weeks. He's just on a boat with Cardi B and a bunch of bitches. It was the funniest thing. If you're not doing that, I don't think it's worth... Like, how would you, like, justify, like, doing all of that?

Right. And then, like, you're not going to, like, go party and get... He went on to play in the Super Bowl that year. Yeah. That fueled him. He's completely fine. Yeah. Yeah, you got to blow off steam.

And I can't imagine how much if you're like, all right, well, I'm not going to have a beer for, like, the next, like, year. Like, fuck you. Yeah. I'm ripping lines. Yeah. I don't know what would motivate me to be like, you can't have a single beer for the next year. Like,

like, if it literally was like, I'm going to sound like such an alcoholic, but if it was literally like, Joe Rogan's like, you can come on my podcast in a year, but you can't drink a beer for the next year. I'd be like, Joe,

you're kind of a bad vibe. I don't care that much. You're going to derail every funny thing. I'm going to get fucked up tonight. Of like a year? I don't know. I do like doing that with people that are going to Austin.

Do you have any advice? And then I'm like, first off, you got to make sure you bring it. The scene is full of assassins. God, is that the gayest place on Earth? Because you know they're all like, yeah. I said this thing. It was like basically what happens is if you get past the mothership, which is funny because I'm not even past.

Have you been like three times? No, no, I've been issued like two or three times. And I have not gotten passed. But I tell everybody I'm like, if you get past the mothership, basically, He has a weekly quarterly or monthly quarterly review where he sits you down, you look at the footage, and he rates you on the Rogan scale, which is, I think R was, oh, yeah, it was raw talent. O is objective.

There's no stool humping, man. Do you want it? Do you want it or not? Because it's like, I get it. You're a white guy. You're boring. You've got to bring flavor. You're not yelling your punchlines.

You gotta scream! God. Yeah, it is one of those things, too, where it's funny, too, because I've also, like, watched with Yellowfield Graveyard. Like, I don't think there's any, like... I was trying to watch it. I was like, all right, this is too in depth. But I get where he's gone.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it's a thing, too, where, like, I don't even blame... I mean, I've never met the guy. I don't blame Rogan or anything like that, because I'm like, could you imagine having, like, that many people... Like, it would be so hard not to be a little odd

if you had, like, that many people around you. And also, you see from the beginning, he's like, How do these famous people stay young? How do they go and get these things moving? And now he's exactly getting the blood transfusion. It's like, hey, I would probably do that too. Fuck it.

Dude, imagine, like, how many people do you think you try to murder Joe Rogan? Right. Like, you're dealing with that on a daily basis. Right. And then, like, you're like, I don't, I don't. And also when you're the top media platform, you're going to join the Bilderberg whatever group that runs everything. Yeah, yeah.

You're the biggest voice. Even if you don't want to join that, you have to. because we'll kill you. Totally. I mean, I can't even not show my feet on my podcast. And I'm like, I would be like not joining a cult. I'm like, nah, I'd fucking immediately. Dude, I'll be sucking off Scientology.

Me and Cruz would be banging boys in Guatemala. It would be great. Yeah, it's really funny where mentally you're like, you try to, you're like, I have the, my integrity is all over the place. I try to act like it's a real thing. No, I'm a flaily little fucking pussy, dude. Yeah. wherever.

Yeah. Or I'll be like, oh, I actually, I have integrity because I'm going to use this and do that. Yeah, and then a sniper rifle just a laser sighting appears on your forehead. You're like, all right. I'll give it. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I think I could not.

I genuinely do not think I would want as much pressure on me as fucking Joe Rogger. That would suck dick. I would quit. Yeah, I would literally quit. You have the money at that point. Yeah. Why not just end it? Yeah, I don't know.

I guess for some people, they're like the next, like, I even look at how much shit Shane's done I'm like, that looks exhausted. I'm like, that looks. Dude, just give me $100,000. Yeah, yeah. I'll stop talking. Yeah, yeah. I'll stop saying words.

Because we're watching him die in real time. Yeah. On that podcast. Yeah. 10 years from now, it's gonna be weird. He's slowly just rotting, you know, he's bald. He's more wrinkled. He just becomes job of the hut.

Mini-me-ish. Or it's like, just like a jacked raisin. Yeah, she's like, fucking. Jamie, pull that up, please. But I am going down at the end of the month, so if you're listening to this, just forget everything. Daddy Rogan, save us. He's going to be a bitch. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, I try to get too involved in comedy politics because I have a clear bias. I have a clear bias. It's like whoever helps me, I'm with you. I'm with you for life. I don't know. My bank has pretty low, Tony. He looks like I'm going to get a little bit, I'm going to start, you know, making these videos. I'm going to be funny to go to, like, a news outlet and be like, I, you know,

in the Kill Tony universe. He said himself. Yeah, I'm Death Squad certified. Yeah, I'll tell you all the behind scenes. Yeah, he plays Hitler documentaries before everything. He puts us in cages and feeds us. But it is educational. It's good.

It's you on 60 minutes. Yes, dude, that would be so awesome. I talk to Michael Good. He says they're jerking off. He's evil. Listen to me, Tony is... I think he's the devil. All to get up.

on CBS. Yeah, I don't think he would give it. It could be like, that's funny. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Did he do that at Garden? I don't think he said unbelievable. I think he said...

Another astounding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, good. Yeah. Good. Yeah. Can I say, he seems frustrated. You're just a normal guy.

You're not retarded. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, it is a podcast, so I think he's looking for something to, like, riff off. so it was like a little bit like like you're trying to inject your jokes like I make the transfer once and I sell my feetpigs for money and I just say that stuff that stuff that's that something that's up dude that is so true you're trying to get every fucking ounce of funny in

there and it's just like shut up yeah that's gonna be crazy yeah yeah it just was like podcasting with five people on a fucking arena is like impossible that is level expert of podcast yeah yeah because I was telling you as like you don't know how to like hold the microphone now when you laugh because you laugh and you're like ha ha ha ha and boy arena just like covering their ears. People are running. Their ears are bleeding. I'm sorry.

I liked what Jim Dorrins said. I thought it was fun. Stop talking in the microphone. Stop briefing. Stop! Yeah, but now I'm on like a full, like I'm like on a new, uh, I'm just trying to dig for new materials yesterday. I was like, I'm going to watch the documentary about ham, the chimp that went to space.

The problem, though, is I watched it on an anepetamines. So I just, nothing was funny because I was like, panicking the entire time. Yeah, I was like, it's gonna be okay. Bro. I'm like watching it. I'm like, yeah, logically this makes sense. Scientifically, that's how you would test that. Yes. Okay, so you put him in a rocket sled and then shot him very fast. Yep, okay, perfect. Yeah, you just become autistic. Yeah, I'm like, yep, that makes sense.

When did this happen? The same thing. 61, January 31st, 1961, they shot Ham into space. They were a bored back then? Yeah, they were real bored, dude. They were trying to get on the moon and they're like, yeah, it's just fucking. Yeah. You just send a fucking.

squirrel. Well, the crazy is the chimp was in Africa and then they took it. So that guy's like month. I think it was like literally like a six month period. So he was just in the jungle and he's getting shot up. He's what the fuck is happening? That's amazing. That's such a good point. I didn't even think about that. Yeah. I thought it was like, they're like, okay, he's been in like 19 movies. He's the best we got.

They just caught him. They got him and they took some of it was so funny too because they're like it literally was like the beginning of Tropic Thunder where it's like 20 chips were chosen. Like they whittled it down to five. And then at the end of the day, they decided ham was the most qualified. They definitely just went by name. They're like, yeah, ham.

Yeah, ham is going to be the one. Additionally, they didn't name him because they were like, we can't shoot him in the space, and everybody loves ham. So they called him like 65 or something like that. And they were like, don't, they make the ham stuff not public because everybody's going to love ham and then he dies. We're not going to know what to do. So it was so far, the documentary is so funny because it's like a mix of like documentary

with like actual footage. and then they try to make it like a reimagining. So it's like a guy pretending to be hams. And of course they're like not getting along at first. And like Ham's like, I don't want to fly locket. Like he's talking to the chip. He's like, I don't think you know how important you are ham. So I got a family back home, man.

I can't do this. Yeah. I got a steady job. I got a family to feed. Yeah. He's just like it's so far too because like the guy that like was trained him, which is like it was like a little impressive. Like I guess basically they don't always.

levers and then like I'm sure they were just shocking the fuck out of him. Yeah. Didn't do it. Yeah. And then they'd give him like treats if he like did this stuff in time. And then basically like the guy's walking around the base with ham on his back. And then there he's like, a couple weeks ago I was just a hick. And now I'm like him's, Ham's partner like partners with the chimpanzee with the fastest

hand. Like girls are like looking at him. It's like, no, you're still a stupid hick. Yeah. That's the most stupid hick thing I've ever heard. Yeah. He said a bar. Hey, what's up bitch?

You ever see? I'm betraying the top chimpanzee. I got a monkey now. You want to fuck me and suck his dick? He doesn't know he's not coming back. Yeah. Well, Ham did come back, which was... Wait, really?

Yeah, so... Oh, we're not... Because Russia would send the dogs up and kill him in space. That's what it was. Damn. That is really funny because he said kill him in space, and I'm sure they just died in space. It was funny to think of Russia's just being like, all right, we...

Mission accomplished. Just a gun on a street. ring that you just like hit a thing. Why isn't it moving like bullet? Yeah, yeah. It's just going so slowly the dogs like dodging them. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, it went

in for like I think six sec, or 16 minutes or something like that, then came back and I looked at too. I was like, they didn't give many sedatives, which is kind of weird. It's just like, just raw dogs. Terrify. Yeah, this chimp is just freaking out. But they also like, I think they didn't put windows on it.

So like the chimp didn't even get to really. You didn't even see anything. He has no idea what happened. He was like literally like, he was like the reason we could send people to space. He has just no idea. Fuck, am I going to the zoo? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck! They told me about this shit. He just thinks he's in a U-Haul the whole time.

Yo, that is so funny because he comes back and then everybody's just like, woo! He's like, I guess it's... Big fucking what? What'd I do? Yeah. I wonder if they show him pictures of him in space, and then... Do they even get it? They're really not as smart as people.

Like, they're smart in, like, some ways. Like, there's a thing where it's, like, a glass, how would you solve this? So it's a glass beaker, and it's, like, attached to, like, the bars in the, like, a holding cell. I mean, I don't know what you call it. I guess the cage. And it's a very thin glass cylinder with a nut on the bottom. How would you get the nut? You can't break the glass or anything.

Animals are stupid, dude. Yeah, but he starts spitting water into it, and the peanut comes up. I'm like, that's pretty smart. But then if you heard, like, the longest conversation Ape has ever had. It's like me, orange, orange, me now. Yeah, it's like, dude, I'm way more fluent than you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a fucking retard show.

Which is so funny because we literally, they're like this close to being us. They're not even close. Not even close, pal. Like, they're literally like a little more DNA and they'd be like flying into space, capturing other chimps, bringing in zoos, and they're like, they just miss the genetic lottery money that much. It's like, yeah, they do that beaker thing with the water and the peanut, but it's like, hey, buddy, I could order a sandwich if I want.

Yeah, yeah. You got to go fucking get a banana. That's so funny. People show like a chimp using like tools like catch fish. Like dude, they're catching them. I'm like, they're not catching up. Go to McDonald's. Yeah.

It's going to take them thousands and thousands of years to catch up. There's no way. Yeah. How did, oh yeah, I think the planet of the apes is like there's like a disease that kills off the humans. Then additionally like they get smart from that drug. It's like an Alzheimer's drug or something. Right.

And then they don't even talk to the very end, right? Yeah. When he says son to Frank. Yeah, yeah, he's like, I fucking mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's are funny. I've seen the Instagrams where they put in stuff he's saying. Yeah, I think, but chimps, don't they have vocal cords?

No, yeah, they got it because they scream. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I guess they just don't feel the need for it. I don't know, I think they would want to do. Well, they just rip your face off and then you're like, yeah. Yeah, they do a touchdown celebration dance. Yeah. They have to ripping your face off and then.

Yeah. I was working on. bit about that where it's like so funny that they just see you guys face and like that's not supposed to be there right it's like frustrating anybody else that's very aggravating he's like okay got your nose yeah yeah am i doing it right yeah yeah i uh i don't know what's going on with you guys dude absolutely fucking nothing football i'm gambling okay i don't have any money to gamble with so it's really gambling it's life or death now leveraged, yeah.

Have you seen that fucking guy that bets his whole life savings and a fucking, he's a guy who bets his whole life savings in a roulette game and wins and everybody's just like, yeah, I'm sure they did with like nine guys

and like immediately go outside and shoot their brains out. They're like, okay, he's for the news. I've seen this guy, he does that and then he, like,

ends up going broke and then he has to go work at like Walmart or like subway and shit. Yeah, but he's got that money mindset, so he's fine. He's like, back at subway,

gambled everything away, you know? Yeah. That's something like Steve will do it would do. Yeah. But it would be so funny if it just didn't work out. And then he's just like, he's like, I'm betting everything I own on this.

Guys, today I'm betting my happy debt percentage. It is interesting, though, those guys could get, a lot of them get, like, de-platformed. But then they just pop up somewhere else. They're like, like, like, Sneaker's been de-platform for like a decade. Right. And he's still, like, figured out something. Oh, yeah, he's Muslim now, dude. He's got it.

Yeah. He's back. I think I saw him at West Forth one time. Yeah, he was doing the street interviews in the subway. Yeah, he would always be down there. Yeah. Yeah, he's like, do you think women are stupid and should be engaged? It's like, dude, what do you do?

Yeah. It's like, are we really scrounging for content like this? I mean, it's tough out there. I mean, it's like the stuff you have to compete with, it's like, you literally have to have like fucking Elon Musk's dad on for him to watch. That is fair because 10 seconds ago was like, so what's going on with you guys? Yeah, it's fair. Like, you know, maybe you got to put a little into it. But yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, it's got to be. There's so much interesting stuff out there. Like, I don't know, like, fucking, what was it, Cash Patel? You now, the Beastie Allie thing? right? No, I didn't hear about that. He was going on and he's saying like, Beastiality no longer technically disqualifies you for being in the FBI

because you could be a victim in beastiality. Sometimes you're like, that horse fucked me. Yeah, that's it. I saw he was getting questioned by like Congress or something. Did this come off? He's like, I've seen a lot of these cases and they're victims of trafficking and they get, as a humiliation thing,

they have to have sex with animals. And I have a theory. I think there's like nine guys that were in a fraternity that want to join the FBI and they're like, fuck to goate or something. And then he's just changing

the whole entire law to get these nine guys. Get his boys in, yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, because, like, how else do you, uh,

there's such, seems like such a specific thing. Like, how could you ever defend beastiality too? It's just, well, I get that if you were, like, kidnapped

and then they're like, to get out, you got to have sex with this donkey. Fuck the goat. Yeah. That was a great, would you rather, I heard.

It was, you'd rather have sex with the goat and nobody knows, or everybody thinks you have sex to but you didn't have sex to goat. I mean, that second one's my life right now. Everything. Everything.

People just assume she's like, I can't beat that, you know? How good is that goat, though? It's a bad goat. Not bad. It's pretty, pretty... See, my thing is this, I would choose having sex with the goat because you can't do anything if everybody thinks you had sex with a goat. Like, it's like, every time you're like, you had sex to goat.

Yeah, if no one knows, yeah, I'll clap that goat. Yeah, because my theory is this, you could also then go forward and do, like, goat activist. I can do no goat activism if I had sex with a goat. So, but if I, or if people thought I had sex to goat, you can't be like, we need to save the goat. It's like, he's just trying to fuck the goat. So you just don't, you literally don't have your chimpanzee, you don't have human language anymore. Because you open your mouth there's like goat fuckers, so you just lose the ability to talk.

You can't be goat fucker. No, never, yeah. Yeah, you start ripping faces off. You're go fucker. Yeah. Yeah. At that point. You're done.

You literally are living with chimpanzees. You're like, you're like fucking a goat. He lives in chimpanzee's, like he's tarz in now and just cannot be in society. That doesn't sound like a bad life now. Yeah. I mean, I think the Bonobos are the chill ones. They're not technically chimps. They're like a little, they're closer to us.

And they're more, I caught that in the footage. Really? Because the Adderall. I was like, they were using a Bonobo for reenactment. It's not actually a real thing. But I'll let it slide. I'll suspend my disbelief and make a big thing. Oh my God.

Yeah, bonobos are like peaceful and they're like the matriarchal society. Yeah. And they use like sex instead of war, I guess. Do they never rip off faces? I think it's a rare thing with them Which is why I don't know why we're not putting in more movies I'm like if they're chill We should be utilizing them more

When did they stop the monkeys in the movies? Yeah now I think the CGI stuff It's like you're right They'll just use that Yeah That was big in like the 70s Oh yeah I mean Ronald Reagan was in something with a chimp

They love chimps That thing happened in 61 Yeah yeah yeah They love chimps Dude yeah that was because I'm sure people were just like Dude these things were so sick Like half of them you can see him at the circus And that probably said it.

Apparently I watched the argument and they're like, people started really being like, oh, chimps. Like they started like, they can fly. Like they're like, these are pretty interesting creatures. And apparently did like a lot for like chimps as far as like, we're like, yeah, these are cool that we should like appreciate that. Send like nine more of them up to die probably. And then we'll start trying to figure out to save their habitat.

But yeah, I don't know. I think like, yeah, that was a big thing. And then like I think like, I mean, even when I was a kid, like the 90s movies, which is something I would love to take a big heater on as far as PC culture. I'm like, I want Chapanes back in movies. For real.

Yeah, because there's that one. The craziest is they had this thing with like, it was like ice skating primates, and they would do like crazy tricks on like roller roller skates. And the movie just makes no money. So that was like a black and white thing I saw and I was like, oh, this is just something they did

where you see like the touring ice skating chimps, which like, I mean, I can't think of something I pay more money for in my life. It is crazy that they're more like seals than like dogs or horses. Right. You think we like train to like do stuff for us? Like they can't deliver Uber Eats or anything like that. Like robots are beating chimps on that.

That's crazy. Yeah. But also there are there are like monkey helper animals. The people do have like service monkeys. No way. What is the service monkey? So it's like basically like it's like people that are like severely disabled. I know it's because I was on Kill Tony and everybody.

Everybody backstage had a service monkey. They're both walking the same. Get over here. But if you're like a severely disabled, the service monkey will let go get, I mean, it's really funny because the example they used to go get the TV remote. And the guy just sits on the couch and watches TV for nine hours. Was the Connecticut bitch that got a rip face up?

Was that technically a service monkey? No, but I think it gives you more like, I think like it, I looked into getting a pet monkey. This whole story I've said so many times. Scal when I was a teenager. And, yeah, I've just told it too many times. Only in Florida, baby. Only in Florida.

But if you have it as a service animal, there's a kid in my school who had a monkey, it was an owl monkey, so during the day it's nocturnal. So it's sleeping all day. So you'd keep it in like a mesh backpack. And it was a service animal because it's like, you know, you'd get that and just bring your animals everywhere. So in class he'd have his like... He'd have the monkey in class.

Yeah, and it would just be like sleeping in there and stuff. When people try to razz him up? Like, yeah. Maybe, but he's nocturnal. He's just... he's off a zan yeah he's like dude I chose the rules

I'm sleeping now is that out noctur I know that's not how it works I'm sure they get woken up but they just mostly stay awake at night but it is funny to think about them just being like

I'm off like I'm off I clocked out hours ago yeah yeah there's nothing I could do with this I'm on my break yeah yeah don't wake me

uh what? Yeah they're crazy owl monkeys are fucking insane they're like their eyes look like owls because they're nocturnal and stuff

and then uh damn yeah how does that I don't know how it works with sunlight, because they're mammals, they need sunlight, maybe, I don't know. See, now you're throwing words, I don't know. Well, maybe they just sleep in the sun, I don't know.

They just curl up. Oh, that makes way more sense. I don't know. Florida pets, huh? Yeah, you can own fucking whatever. Anything. What was the craziest thing you saw? Besides the monkey.

Yeah, I'm a one of the woman who is the monkey dealer's house, and she had like 42 monkeys and like a couple of rumors. Just in her house, yeah. In a crib? Yeah, she was like a German one. She's like, yeah, Zatthuan's pretty famous. he was in like a pit bull music video not a big deal

and you're like okay throwing a flex yeah she's walking there Zabuma fool that's the one that's literally the lemur from that

just keep swinging around yeah I mean that was very eye-opening because I mean her husband just looks so beaten now by life I'm like the guy who just watched TV he's like my wife's fucking hot she's crazy yeah what she's smoking

think of friends are Instagram shout out you want to get a monkey and you know I'll give you the details just yeah I probably should Doxing the monkey lady. But yeah, Soflow, big flex,

get like a fucking, you know, like, you've seen Scarface, he gets a tiger in it and stuff like that. I think that's kind of like a big, it's influenced by the cocaine thing too.

I don't know, it's like a chicken and egg thing. So as people would bring in like so much Coke and then have like bunch of snakes on top. And then the DEA would be like, uh,

I don't want to reach my arm in the pit of snakes. They're like, no, we're not going to have our dog go in there with venomous snakes. So no, keep transporting snakes into... That is so genius.

Miami nightclubs or whatever. Just some... They would have a fucking plate of snakes. Yeah, it happened with like... Like, I don't know what came first. I don't know people... Exotic Pet Trade was like big. I think it is in general big thing

because it's like a... You know, it's like you're coming... Like, does it make any sense because like you're coming from South America and you go through Miami? So people are like, yeah, I hear all these like wild monkeys and shit. And I don't know...

I mean, I assume the way it went was like the Coke dealers were like, dude, Tiger? Like, yeah. I'll fucking, you know, I don't know if it's like, they would be like, well, I don't know if the drug deals were also selling. That happens sometimes too. Sometimes people are like, I sell fucking lions. Yeah, it's just everything. I would sell. I would show do that if I was a drug dealer. I'd be like, do you want a fucking snake? Yeah.

Want a rhinoceros? Yeah. What do you mean? Yeah. I got a baby one. Got it sell in three weeks. Yeah, that's got to be hard when I've got a drug menu before and I feel like I've never seen anything that crazy on there. I don't look back at something to see like, this guy's selling heroin, too.

Yeah. But it's normally, I'm sure like it's a mix where you got like, he's like different menu for different guys. Yeah, this is not the heroin guy. Sorry. Oops, wrong menu. That's the drink menu. That's the appetizers. You flip it around.

So that's the hard drug highway. Yeah, yeah. That's where the heroin and the fentanyl. But this side is fun stuff. Is he being like a physical card? No, they like text you. So like before kind of what happened was somebody to text me this guy's number with his menu and you got to be like, hey, say you're friends with so-and-so. And that's how you got their contact.

And then it like looks like it's a literal menu. where it's like different stuff. The craziest is Epstein's menu because like some of the, you see that right? Like it didn't make sense in a lot of ways because it would be like DMT

or like people were smoking DMT at an Epstein party. It's like no, they were only doing below. Yeah, yeah, I don't know what. Or adrenochrome.

And it was like, it was like crazy amounts though. It was like if you want, it was only by grams, which was very confusing because it was like 985,000 grams. If you're like,

wouldn't it make more sense? Like you're confusing the... They were probably flipping it. Yeah, but I'm sure that guy's just like doing like on his hands. Yeah. Yeah, I'm throwing a ditty party. I think, yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, just bring it all. Yeah, just bring it all. That poor kid taking the order, too. I don't know what that is. There's even no numbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll have the 485. Is that with or without Fent?

Yeah. Fent on side. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. It's a, I don't know, it's something we'll never get to the bottom of. Like, I'm surprised we even got this far with the Epstein stuff. Right. I was really into it like a decade ago.

I was like a real Epstein hipster. and yeah wow yeah I was like I was there yeah I was there yeah no I was like when he was in jail I was like yeah I'm not voting for Hillary or Trump because I was just like a college kid that was like you know studying for exams so much Adderall I come to see my parents and I was like Bill Clinton was on an island with Jeffrey Epstein's a pedophile I was like what the fuck is his kid talking about and then nobody remembers you mentioning right they never do they're like who the what yeah I was getting way too into it dude I'd be on red it's like a

blurry picture of a woman and gay be like dead yeah it's Hillary Clinton How else would I not think that? I got that really out of my system very young. And now I'm like slightly objective with conspiracy theories. Yeah, you got to get it in young. Yeah. Because I remember I had a coworker in Connecticut who was like probably late 40s who was getting into like, hey, the sun is fake. Yeah.

I was like, what? No one's going to believe you because you're so old. Yeah, I'm like, dude, come on. They just think you're an old crazy person. Like I saw a woman. We're doing these road shows and we're at the motel. And the woman's like, you know, who I always. love, which is the area industry, she's like,

Kat Williams is my favorite comedian. Like, that's great. She's like, I used to love Alan DeGeneres, but I heard online that she eats human flesh, and that's just where I draw the line. That's so polite. Yeah, yeah, she eats human flesh. Yeah, that's just where I draw the lie.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Shout out, Ellen. Yeah, everybody gets really mad when, like, the lesbians are mean, and I'm like, I know they're not all mean, but like... It makes me like, it makes me like, you know, like, Chapparone was going to be a bitch?

Yeah. Yeah, she's wearing, like, fucking sick-ass outfits like doing her thing. She's like, I am the queen. It's like, hey, I like when a bitch with no dick acts like she has one. Yeah. She's just, all boss and bitches around. Yeah, that's what you should be doing if you're chapel around. You're star. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

And that's the same, uh, yeah, that's what I hope to be as a comedian where I'm putting on like just glamour makeup. H-O-T-T-T. This is a guy that ex-be's like, you're a star. I'm like, my arc is that I become like, I know I am. I start dressed like David Bowie doing Stan. up and I'm just yelling at interns. Just ICP makeup.

This makes sense, right? Yeah, Michael, it makes perfect sense. Everything you're doing makes sense. Okay, good, good, good. I'm wearing a leotaur. I'm taping my dick to my anus. That is just where you want to be, dude. It's going to be so easy to lose your fucking mind.

Like, how would you not lose your fucking mind? Yeah. Yeah, I did one minute at Madison Square. I don't know. That was really humbling, but it was actually going back the next night. It was the most nightmare situation I could possibly think. Yeah, go back the next night and I'm like, I have like a guest pass instead of performing fast. They're like, we don't know what this wristband is.

I'm like, I'm supposed to be backstage with all of them. And they're like, sir, we don't know you. They didn't let you back. No way. It took like 45 minutes for me to get backstage. Because it's like all of it's run through like interns and stuff. They're not going to like bother. Like I made a mistake.

I showed up at 645 to go hang out backstage for the second night. And then it's like, I assume a bunch of interns that are like just terrified of Tony. Right. So they're like not going to like when I went backstage, everybody's like bringing their family back there. I was like, I could probably mom back here. Yeah. I was like, I didn't have this information. And then the second night, one of the comics who's on the show was like, yeah, dude,

I'll just give you a guest wrist passed. And I don't, Tony doesn't give a fuck who's in the green room or whatever. And then, yeah, I had to, like, argue my way backstage. So, like, the point where it's like, it's like seven o'clock the show starting. And I'm like, right here at the curtain on the floor. Oh, my God. And I'm like, they're like, sir. And then eventually my friend's like, no, he's fucking fine.

Just like, bring him back. Like, he's fine. One of those three years, like, I saw he last night, great job. but you can't go back. Like, what? Shut up. Yeah, a lot of them were like, I don't know what the...

I'm like, it says kill Tony family. I know it's gay, but it says I'm a lot back there. Like, relax. Yeah, I'm allowed to... I'm in the Death Squad Mafia. Have you heard about me? I took the blood oath.

Yeah. I sacrificed it open micer to be... You have to kill one open micer. You killed seven laughing boot of... In one grizzly pair. That is exactly what I would say. yeah CBS

60 minutes just yeah yeah I killed the entire comedy shop myself she made a murder yes

but I was under pressure so we can move on the next question move on to the next thing but yeah I uh yeah I go pretty I don't know

I heard a really interesting conspiracy theory as a Christian man I don't hear your pan my sister is a I don't know religion is very fascinating to me she's like pretty

into Christianity. So she's telling me, she's trying to explain Nazism to me. Do you know what I'm about? Gnosticism? Oh, dude. What is that? Like you believe there's a God, but it's very vague? I don't know. That's agnostic. So, narcissism, what she's trying to explain was basically there's like people, like, they kind of believe the Old Testament God was a different God than the New Testament God. And I didn't know

that that's, I misheard her first. I thought it was like God is just, there's a God above God. Like the real gods up here and we're getting contact with like the second in charge. And sometimes we get in charge with the main guy. There's always corporate. Yeah, exactly. So there's like a ladder that you kind of go up. But she was actually saying that apparently some people believe, which is like a little weird.

But she was like basically they believed that like Jesus came down sent from the main god. But he also didn't want to upset like the next guy in charge. So he was kind of like, yeah, I think you guys are misunderstanding a little bit like didn't want to do that. Right. It was an interesting thing. I was like, I don't know. So the next guy's like, we're going to kill him too. Yeah.

Yeah, he can go down, but... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're saying Old Testament's bullshit? Fuck that guy. He's going down at 33. That's crazy. That's so good. I mean, there was, like, the thing, too,

where, like, when Adam and Eve got out of the garden, I think it says, like, they had to be careful. Oh, I don't about the garden, bro. You know about the... Yeah. Dude, I was in the garden.

I'm doing conspiracies. I'm like, I was in the garden. If you're Madison Square Garden, Eden, it's the same thing. Tony's like, eat, Michael. Yeah. he's a snake

yeah dude they were when they got out of the garden they had to be careful there were other gods yeah yeah yeah I don't know what that I think it would just meant

there were people that don't believe in God that were like we're gonna kill you but yeah that's wild though I think there's a there's two God there's an old testament God Newt I don't know

that's wild because some of it could make sense to me that like there's like obviously the main God who's like a charge of like everything, and then he's like, he's like, this will be your project, Earth,

and the other guy's Earth. And sometimes we're communicating with the higher guy, but sometimes we're communicating with the second in charge. Because if you have to do the whole universe, like it would be a lot. It's a lot. I mean, I guess you're all powerful, but like, it's more of a force, but I do like the idea of, like,

an intern God who, like, Earth is the first project. And, like, every six months he goes back, he's like, I fucked up some stuff. And then they're like... School shootings. Yeah. His middle management. Yeah, yeah, don't panic. Don't panic.

Do not panic. Everything. Yeah, there's easy fix, easy fix, easy fix. Yeah, I don't know. It's like the ones I really like are where, like, Jesus was missing for like a couple years where people think you went to Asia. I love that.

Yeah, that's wild. Yeah, because they have no record there, I assume. What's up? But Asia doesn't talk about it. I think there's like little in some Buddhist temples. I think they're trying to cling on. They're trying to get, like, yeah, he was with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, I knew that guy. Yeah, I knew him. Yeah, we were tight. It was like, it was amazing. meet and greet. It was a fan. It's like a comedian take pictures and all these big comics have on their Instagram. He was like, he was here for the day. Literally did one spot.

You opened for him and then that was it. Jesus has like opening acts. I'll let the booze guys. Monks kind of say, it's peaceful stuff. I kind of support what they're saying. And then I'm, do not do too much peaceful stuff. I want to do the most peaceful stuff. No crowd work. Yeah.

No blessings. Yeah, it is. Because my thing is it's one of those things that like everybody thinks somebody else's beliefs are kind of silly because you don't think that way. So, like, I'm sure, like, those acidic Jewish guys think that my beliefs are... They're not like, that guy's a fucking idiot, but they're going to be like, oh, that's silly to me because I think this way. Yeah. So you're in the Nazis thing.

I was like, that's interesting, I guess, I don't know. It feels like Catholicism with extra steps because, like, Catholics have all the saints. You can ask the saints for L2, and they all have, like, pet projects. Like, there's a patron saint of comedy. Wait, what's his name? I have no idea. St. Anthony, St. Anthony Hinchcliffe. It's actually Father Joe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you said that, like I said, I had a new girlfriend. You're like, what's his name? There's a guy I could be praying to you right now. I do believe in prayer weirdly. I'm not, this probably would not align with Catholicism. But I was literally shaking. Did I already talk about how that guy gave me rent money?

I think I already mentioned that. I was shaking at work. Like, I could not pay rent. I was freaking out. I was like, I'm so fucked because, like, somebody owed me money. I was like, I'm bucked. Like, I don't know what I'm going to do. I did, my dad did call me, and I like, lightly.

I wouldn't say I was fishing for money, but I was kind of like, yeah, I don't know how I'm going to pick up. He's like, he's like, what are you seven days? He goes, you're going to figure it out. And I was like, I was like, fair, fair. I am 29. This is insane. Just gave you a stiff arm.

Yeah, and I would just pray. I was just pray aggressively. I was like, I don't know, maybe I'm not supposed to live here or something. And then Jesus comes in, free birth. Yeah. And then it's like you're, yeah. Yeah. There was really a god send. Oh, this is insane.

No, he's definitely real. Yeah. You got to be like, all right. I see you. Salute. Maybe there was like an agreement I didn't know, though. He's like, I'll give you $1,000, but you got to stop. I don't hear you.

I don't hear you. I don't hear you. Because I have OCDs. That's a big thing of it where you bargain with God, where you're like, like, I'm, I would say I'm agnostic, but sometimes I pray if, uh... No, I'm the same exact way. Yeah, if things aren't going well. Or things are going really well. I'll be like...

Thank you. Thank you, God. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty Catholic. I mean, that's... Yeah, I'm Catholic. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You're like, that's about time of me to show up again. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm back. It's me. Hey, this thing's still work here. Yeah.

That is what... One of the churches I would go to, so, like, I was raised. My mom was Catholic, and then my dad is, like, it was like loosely Christian scientists, which is a wild sect of Christianity. But it was a lot of old people.

So, like, they're kind of like, he wasn't like this he kind of did it from like more hippie standpoint he's like you know like this is all like materialistic and like the power of prayer stronger than like a lot of things like some of them were like kind of anti-medicine but I would go there and the church are just all old people

I'm like you fucking cheaters you can't come in the last fucking quarter you're like I've been here the whole time I've been here for decades back yeah yeah we're like you know you know what's going around the corner you're trying to but um shit what was I saying

um we were somewhere you were about to Catholicism. There's something about Catholicism. Oh, yeah, dude, because the saints. You can have, like, different saints for different things. So you could be patron saint of feet picks at some point. Like, we don't know.

Dang. You know, if the church is cool, I don't even know what they like. Saint good, baby. Sting good, dude. Yeah, I like that. I like the sound of that. Very possible. I also, I didn't know that the,

I always get the apostles and the disciples. I didn't realize, like, Peter didn't even know. Not, didn't Peter, Peter or Paul, the woman didn't even, like, know Jesus, right? What one was a Roman soldier? Paul, Paul was Saul, he was killing everyone, and then God was like, stop. He was like, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he flashbanged him, and he was like, my bad. My bad. Didn't know that was in the rule book. My bad. And then he's like, I'm going to write, like, half the Bible. Like, yeah, go ahead. Yeah, go ahead.

Finish my dirty work again. Well, because it's also. sort of they were like, yeah, there's like a, like, because like, man, my brain is not working today. Good. I got to be honest. I got to run. He's got to run, dude. Yeah, we'll finish this. We'll finish this. We'll do. I love you. Oh man, dude. You're getting to the religious text now. Yeah. Yeah. Last 15. Good seeing you, man. Are you? Because I was going to do just so I could be a content argue with people. full Bible front to back full Talmud

and full why can I not even remember with Quran this is crazy my brain is not fine dude I've been sitting here quiet watching you guys yeah yeah it's the deep time I'm watching my favorite comics talk

I'm like hell of you dude I dude it's uh my buddy's doing that right now he's reading the Quran and he just keeps sending his stuff and he's like super he's Catholic and now he's like super Christian which is like the worst kind because, like, he's really into the faith, but it's like, you grew up Catholic.

Like, why are we... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come back, dude, you know? Yeah. But he keeps pulling passage out, and he's like, oh, look how wrong this is. And I'm like, that's pretty wild. You know who's right?

Is that the Pope? Maybe come back, dude, but... Disciples is, like, just regular, like, people, like, anyone that followed. Yeah, yeah. And apostles is, like, the elite team he had. So the 12, like, the 12 were the apostles who, like, knew him personally.

Last Supper guys. which is funny, it's funny that Judas, when Judas killed himself, they replaced him. So it was like, and they had a guy like Matthias or something like that. They were picked a, but like imagine the process of picking the 13th guy. Yeah. Like out of all those people, like imagine getting the 14th spot. You're like, I didn't even fucking make it. Oh, yeah.

There was like in an interview process where, yeah. And Jesus is gone too. So they're like, Jesus is out right now. Oh, so most righteous guy isn't even doing like the picking in that point. It's like the guy who was like, Jesus would want this. And they're like arguing about it. I don't, I actually, I feel bad because I don't even remember. I think, maybe it was back, but that would be crazy to have them.

Because then they do like all the other stuff. They're just running around. Like, I think most of like the acts, like after Jesus is gone, it's just them doing like, like, heists everywhere. Really? Like Peter will go to get sent to prison and then like an angel will break him out. That's a movie that has to make. And they don't make, yeah, I know.

I think Bill Gibson, dude, he's coming back with a vengeance. Yeah, dude, because he's doing the, what is it, the, the, what is it, the res. Resurrection. Resurrection. I think he's talking about it. It's the same thing as Eddie Murphy returning to comedy. We're like,

you're not going to actually do it. It's not going to have the same edge, dude. Yeah, I've never seen the passion for it's intense. Oh, yeah. And it's also awkward now because, like, you got his rant on record.

So, yeah. Now you know the angle he had making the past. Yeah, that changes so much. You're like, ugh. Someone told me Rall Dahl was a huge anti-Semite.

That's... Willie Wonka and Chucle Factory guy, apparently was like a huge anti-Semite. That makes the drawings look different. Yeah, yeah, like that witch. show, yeah. That's weird. Yeah, so have you been like, so was it, did you ever go less religious or were you always? Yeah, I was like in college It's like doing the virgin act is so dumb

Because like in college if I could have I would have had sex You know? Yeah Yeah, I would stop going to church But I just dated people who wanted to stay that way So I was like okay Yeah So that's what I hate is like oh man you're so holy And I'm like no

Yeah yeah yeah And then I was on Zola for a while And that was a That made me think I was religious Because it took away the sex drive and everything So Oh that's interesting Is it a

Yeah because like in my mind it's so, because I'm, I love the idea of you having sex and then you immediately turn to like a sex guy. Like you get like an earring with like a fucking like feather attached and you're wearing all these like bracelets. You're like, you just start dressing like quagmire or something. That's so excited. Like it's so excited. I find it so interesting because like it's always been like, not always been a part of my life even when I was a child. No, I've always been a very sexual person. It's so like it's like to me when somebody like hasn't drank it before but they're going. you're like, this is so, like, it's so exciting

because I'm like, there's this whole fun thing that, are you worried it won't live up to high? It'll live up to hide. I don't think it will, dude. I'm ready for it not to. Yeah, yeah, that's a good way to look at it. I feel bad. But also, it sucks because we're, like, really,

we're going full bore. Like, we're, we're no condoms or anything. And we don't want to have a kid right away. So, like, we're literally guessing what time of the month we can have sex. Like, there's, like, one week out of the whole month. Oh, that is interesting. So you guys are going to get married, but obviously you can't immediately have kids.

but... So we can't immediately have sex. So I'm gonna get married and then I'm still waiting until... Which is really... It's awkward because with like Catholic couples like this, as a guy,

you have to try really hard not to just be like watching her like a hawk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For like her cycle to change. Like, it's time, you know? Yeah. Wait, so have you... I mean, we can cut out of this.

What have you... What's the most you've done with somebody? We don't have to... I should cut it out, yeah. You don't have to answer it. But I haven't... I really haven't... I don't have a lot of experience, though,

yeah. So it'll be very funny. I mean, we're going to hug and it'll probably, I'll come. And then it'll be like, well, yeah, that's that. I'll see tomorrow. So you don't, you don't jerk off. So you don't jerk off, which is crazy. I, uh, there's, this is such a misconception. Because everything's you don't jerk off. You're going to become like an evil person that beats the shit out of people. Because like, maybe it's like, once you know how to jerk off, you do it and then it relaxes you. But maybe that's because you're addicted to trick. Because it's like, I'll jerk off. I'll be like, okay, now I could be in public. I could not be like. But you're like the nicest guy and you don't jerk off. that kind of like... I mean, it's crazy. I've heard... Yeah, I haven't done it. There was one time I broke my dick in my sleep. Like, I woke up

and it was like... Yeah, yeah. Super bad pain. And so that was a week where I would try to see if it still worked. Yeah, yeah. So I got really close during that.

And I told a priest about it. It was this African priest in D.C. I went to confession. Yeah. I almost jerked off. And he's like, I will pray for you.

I've never seen a priest look so scared at someone. He's like, we got one guy that doesn't jerk. off. Everybody else is made it

like crazy shit. Yeah. And then I'm there. Dude, I've had confessions where, and this is a, this is a bad brag, but like,

they'll be like anything else. And I'm like, no, I don't watch porn. I'm sorry. Yeah. So it is, I'm a boring confessor.

I just talk about being angry. And they're like, all right, that's crazy. Maybe jerk up. Yeah, yeah. They're like,

yeah, just give it a shot. Uh, is it, I've heard if you do it, once you start doing it, you need it more. It's like, it's like smoking or drinking.

like, you know. I could see that. I think for me it works really well because, like, this is going to sound so weird, but when I was in a relationship, and maybe this wasn't good as far as working on just personal discipline, but if I would jerk off,

I'd be like, all right, now I have no desire to hook up with other women or anything like that. True, yeah. But I guess, also, you should learn to do that without, without, without, uh, yeah, without having to be like,

oh, yeah, that's, uh, yeah, dude, it's pretty wild. It's weird, too. people get weirded out by it. Comedy's funny because I'll tell comics about it and they're not ready to hear that like in a car ride. Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, yeah, so I don't jerk off either. Like, don't tell me that. Don't talk about that. Well, because it's also like you're not like a, you don't seem like a very judgmental guy. Like I think it like, if somebody like put you down on paper and was like never had sex,

never masturbated, I would assume you'd be a different guy. Like a lot of assumptions. Like you have a joke about how like people at like work feel weird cursing around you. Oh yeah. dude yeah I and I it was weird too because I worked

I worked at the Knights of Columbus right out of college which is like the Catholic Lions or Elks Lodge basically yeah yeah and dude I was cussing up a storm there like we were I was in marketing like it was I hated the job I was cussing all the time

and then I get this new job at an ad agency in DC and my boss there would apologize anytime he cursed around me because I came to the Catholic thing I'm like but you have no idea yeah yeah yeah because there's no well there's so many assumptions like like um like

with priests, it's like they can drink. Yeah, my drinking buddy was a priest in that job. One of my drinking buddies was. That's why I was so weird when Kanye went like

very Christian and was like, I'm not cursing in any of my songs. I think I have a weird conspiracy on Kanye. I think he is trying to prove he can do certain things. I think he's like,

let me see if I can make a sick album without cursing and it's going to be really religious. And he's like, let me see if I can make a sick Nazi album and then also talk about blowing my cousin. I could be, I'm probably wrong.

He probably is going through bipolar episodes, but that would be a genius thing. He was like, I bet you I could make a Hail Hitler song and then a year later be so good that I'll be doing arenas again. Like that would be like the ultimate like, you know, Chris Rock apparently will bomb

the first five minutes to like prove he could dig it. Like Kanye was like, what's the physical hole I could put myself in the furthest and then it's gonna be standing on top of the globe. It seems like that. I mean, his most Catholic album is Life of Pablo because he's like, I love God so much and he's like, I'm jerking off. You know, that's the most

Catholic. I hated the Jesus King stuff because all these really religious people like, I can listen to Kanye now. Yeah, yeah. He's like he made Jesus walks. What are you talking? Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, he seems like he's trying to bungee jump his way back and forth in the fame. He's literally has a harness

on on stage. Yeah, that's he's bungee jumping literally. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's yeah, because it gets, it's so funny too, because like Christian rock, besides Creed, I think has a hard time. There's a lot of bad Christian rock out there. But Christian rap, there used to be Christian rap station at my

hometown, you're like, this is fucking sick. Like, so bit like rappers can rap a lot about Christianity and it's cool and then a lot of rock stars just don't

I think besides I really like Creed a lot but uh yeah Creed you forget they're a religious band yeah yeah just a meme at this point I mean they should do

the halftime show I'd love that but dude you saw the one with the Dallas Cowboys were right it's fucking insane you guys flying down yeah angels

yeah that'll be interesting yeah it is weird too because he Kanye's got like you know what 40 more years no 30 No, that's four. No, I mean, I mean of being alive.

Yeah, I think four. He's so crazy. Like, that was the thing where, like, I wanted to see him this tour because I'm like, I'm like, he's paying for, I don't have the money, he's playing for $80 in New Orleans. You're like, that's crazy. Yeah. And then I was like, that's fine. He'll be around. Like, he's not really the most stable guy.

Like, I guess, because this is the thing about Norm. I was like, oh, I'll see Norm next time he's in town. And then he died. And I was like, that you couldn't see him coming. But Kanye, I'm like, everything's there for it to like, I hope he doesn't die. I never thought about that, dude Like it's, I mean, how long, I don't know, I guess With the resources they have for mental health now,

It's probably a little different But I think Mozart lived pretty late, right? I have no idea. Yeah. Was that another late-night documentary thing? No, well, I saw it be Amadeus when I was a kid, It was about basically the guy who wanted to be like Mozart was like a very good technical music

I could be getting this all wrong And then Mozart was just like getting drunk And like, hook up all these chicks And he's like, it sucks how fucking good he is which I definitely happens in comedy. I think a lot of comics see Shane. They're like, oh, so you can get drunk and do this.

You're like, yeah, you can, but there's like a lot, like, you're relying on the fact that you're going to be as talented as Shane Gillis. Yeah. And I've done that mentally where I'm getting drunk.

I'm like, yeah, but I'm like, man, you know. Oh, yeah. Pell drinks, parties. I was like, I could do this. And I was like, yeah, but you're also relying. I'm not saying,

it's not a black and white thing. There's obviously, like, levels to it. But I don't think most people could drink as much as Shane does and be as successful because that's like a crit it's like yeah no way man i mean i have one beer my timing's gone i'm such a lightweight yeah and i try to write on stage every night and i'm like i should not be doing that yeah yeah yeah yeah i've gone full i've done every uh i've got to say stoned which which can be interesting because at the end of the day it's like you do know your acts pretty

well but it is a weird thing where you're like uh um alcohol slow like definitely slows my timing yeah you have like one said buzzed and you're like i can do that and then one time i went on stage on ketamine, which I would never do. But what happened was I was done doing spots. I was hanging out at a comedy club and my buddy's there. You want to take a bump to ketamine? I was like, sure. And immediately, somebody's like, nobody's on stage. Can you like run on stage? I was like, yeah, sure. And then I just get up there and I was like, it was like just the perfect

amount. But I just, even that, it's like I just went to my go-toes. And I was like, that was not really unproductive. Like, I would never intentionally do that. But I was like, my rules I'll never really drink before doing stand-up, but I will do stand-up after drinking, like if I was around and drinking, or somebody was like, hey, there's a spot and then I'm like, I don't know, I've been drinking. Sometimes I'll even be like, I have a couple drinks. But, yeah, so have you never spoke pot?

No, I did weed shows a lot. When I started in D.C., so, like, that was the kind of shows you would do there. I don't know if the secondhand high is real. It would make sense. It felt blunted. Yeah, because everybody's like, oh, well, the technology to just appears was good.

I'm like, I don't think that's true. I felt different. It could have just been oxygen, you know, I don't know. Yeah, but also it's like if there's marijuana smoke filling the room from the joint itself that would be getting you high.

It could be, yeah. And I can neither confirm nor deny, you know? I didn't know, the Catholic Church, like, no wheat, like zero weed. But you can drink. Is there something in the Bible that's anti-weed? I don't know if it's Bible. The scholar take is like

one, any hit of weed immediately changes you, whereas it takes a couple drinks to actually alter how you act. Yeah, but that's hard with edibles. Like if you're like, oh, edibles, you're fucked. Yeah. But I'm saying, like, you could technically take, like, the small.

I'm not trying to. Oh, you could take, like, you could take a little bit. Maybe there is a portion you could take, but I don't know what that is, yeah. Yeah, because it doesn't seem, that doesn't make, I'm not trying to get a debate about this. No, I'm not, I don't actually know. I'm asking the question, too. I'm like, I don't know why. Yeah, because I do have some friends that are, like, I have a sober friend now.

I mean, he smokes weed, but he's very religious and he smokes pot, but he doesn't drink because he's like, this kind of works better for me. Jaman. Yeah, yeah. And he's been working out for him. But then some people are very like, if you go sober, it makes more sense to be totally sober. Because I do get different people of different things. Like I can see how if you're addicted to heroin, but you're like alcohol, but you're like alcohol, but you're like, alcohol, I can see how if you're addicted to heroin, but you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're talking about something that's like this and that. But I think, or like Coke people who like be addicted to Coke, but then alcohol is fine. Then there's some people that are like, dude, I, I didn't watch out for it. Like, Steve, I want to do Bill Maher's podcast because Bill Marr's like, I can. I, can't smoke weed on the show and you're like yeah he's like trying really hard to be sober and he's like oh please and you're like you're such an asshole like yeah dude you for one hour you can't be smoking pot and blowing it in the sober guy's fate like that makes no sense yeah yeah yeah he's like no actually uh that's crazy i remember i hated being um i started comedy i said i was sober i thought it was an alcoholic because i when you're on zoloft and every time i tell people this that are on zoloft they're like really but you're not supposed to drink

on it. Yeah, yeah. That's what they say. And so I told everyone as an alcoholic for like three years I'm doing that. People would, would like be like, can I drink around you? Yeah. And I didn't realize that's how crazy it was. Like that was like my bisexual face. Yeah. It was like, I was role playing being an alcoholic. Yeah. Well, that's such a thing too where like one of my favorite comics is Ted Barton. You know Ted? Yeah, Ted's great. He's so good. I thought he like would like, like would think I'm dirty. Like I thought he would like, he'd be like, oh, that guy's not. And he like, we're both fans of each other standup. And I know, like, one of his favorite say, I'm Louis.

He's just like, I just don't really like you. I'm like, oh, that makes perfect sense. Like, you think of it is so much like, these people are judging me. But that's all like an internal, like, I'm ready to like, you know what I mean? Like, you probably have the same thing where like, oh, these people are judging me for being virgin. Yeah, I'm a jihadi. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But it's like, yeah, you're just a chill guy who's very funny. And I think that's like, yeah. And I just said, like, I would like, but then you, when you go on stage, it's totally different because I'm like, I've already, I met you so I'm like you don't come off like this or that. I'm like, if you just saw this information on paper, you'd be like, say, I'm sure with me, you're like, this guy's done ketamine and he's been urinated on. You'd be like, what the fuck is wrong in this case? You just see if I look like J.J. Lieberman.

And I'm like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This man is a sinner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is crazy. That's why I got in the comedy. I got the comedy to be around different people. Yeah, yeah.

Because I grew up like sheltered Catholic. Like, I went to an all boys high school. I had no social life in high school outside of Boy Scouts and the wrestling team. Eagle Scout right here. Eagle Scouts, dude. You're an Eagle Scout? What was your project? I went to Haiti and I delivered shoes and then we tried it.

We actually got involved with the Catholic troops there because they were doing mission trips and then we're like, oh, we'll go and you can take us there to this village and we'll start a Boy Scout. We weren't trying to start a Boy Scout trip, but we're trying to give shoes as like a project. And then they're like, we want to be Boy Scouts. I can't do like a good patient. And we're like, we're sitting by the fire and I'm like the worst Boy Scout ever. so like for me to try to like I think I literally like barely made the cut I think I was like 17 when I got my Eagle Scout

for sure I guess you'd be that yeah yeah of course somebody else made my fire for me and the whatever where you got to spark the Flint together like somebody else made the fire yeah so I'm not even technically an Eagle Scout buy and then uh we're sitting by the fire in the guy named baba who runs the village uh which sounds like I'm making up but that is what he named himself for his parents named him we're sitting by the fire he's like looking at me my day's like you would make a solid boy scouts tomorrow. And then we're like, okay. Like it's a warrior ceremony.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that he's like, it's all boys and girls. And we're like, we don't know how to speak French. So we're like, we're not going to be like, no, the girls can't be boys cats. They're all excited to become boys scouts. Oh, yeah. It's before that. Yeah.

Yeah. So I was like, all right, well, technically girls get, we're like, whatever. And then we're like doing the Boy Scout things. And we had like elections to severe. And then immediately in Haitian style got like rigged elections. We're like, oh, is that really where everybody, they're like, I don't remember. what they're doing. There was something to rig the elections. You're like, okay, whatever. Just one guy brought all the

ballots in one block. Yeah, he's like, I will take these. And then you're like, all right, you just seem throwing out half. He's like, looking at him throwing it out. But yeah, I don't have a ton I want to yeah, for what I was saying? So you grow up very sheltered and then it was like so the comedy, you're like, I'm getting around

all kinds of different. I mean, this is the most like. This is a great Patreon episode we got going here. Yeah, I Dude, I started, I taught at a summer camp for Boy Scouts, like 17, 18 years old. And you, it was six classes a day. I teach trade skills. Like, I taught kids how to use a blow torch. Oh, that's sick. So, like, there's, like, soldering pipe for plumbing, stuff like that.

And you had the kill. Like, if you weren't funny, they just walk all over you. Oh, dang. So you had to be funny. So I had, like, a routine I do for them and stuff like that. And it wasn't, like, funny to adult. But it was funny to the kids. And then I was like, man, it'd be so cool to do this.

And then 10 years later. I'm at a show at a bar and I was like, oh, I should try it now. Yeah, yeah. That's the most interesting way to get in. I think you say, like, you have to kill it. They were like, to kill a kid, yeah.

The kids had to come out with like a dead raccoon or something like that, and you're like, now you can be. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, I was like very religious as a kid and then one time I was just very depressed in high school and I was like, show yourself God if you're real. And I'm like, I'm out, I'm out.

But that's way worse than just being like, I want to have sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like doing drugs and getting blown. And I was like, yeah, I'm still like a Christian. And then like one time I was just sad and he wasn't there. And I was like, didn't show up for me. Like I felt like a kid at like a dance recital.

You know, in the movies where like they're looking at the chair with their dad is. He's not there. Yeah. And I'm like, oh. But then now I'm like, I'm very open mind. I think there is a higher power. But I'm like not. Yeah, I'm not in any.

But it really just still fascinates me. Like it's still the most interesting thing in the world to me because it's like all these texts and all these different beliefs from all around the world. world and like in some commonality sometimes like the Great Flood seems to be a thing that like was pretty legit. Yeah there's I mean there's definitely some commonalities it's a it's curious

and it's funny like you say like I mean yeah people could be writing in parallels just for themselves yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he said he was a prophet in our religion too yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he said he was God so like where does that fall yeah yeah yeah I don't know oh he was a probably he was kind of crazy though he was a psycho actually yeah yeah yeah I was in doing people are like no no we believe in him too and it's like you can't say he existed and then say he's part of your

religion. Yeah, because it is the thing with Islam, right? They're like, he was like... I wasn't going to say Islam because I want to get killed, but like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was, uh, I think his name was like,

man, I'm not firing. Don't worry about that. Yeah, you're digging too much, dude. You're trying to say, history podcast. Yeah, it starts with an eye, but, um, Ishmael? No, it's like... Why do I say Ishmael?

That's a Moby Dick. Yeah, yeah. No, it's like, EZU or something. Um, but, yeah, but there's one's different because like, they believed that like Jesus was a prophet and had powers they there's like they believe he had powers yes there's stories of him talking as a baby and stuff like different things and then I think there are like a lot of different miracles like some where he's like younger

and then but then they're like Muhammad's the one true prophet and then I think some Jewish people believe that Jesus was like the false prophet maybe or like was like one of the prop but then they think they're the real coming of God on earth just hasn't came yet and they're just still kind of waiting. Yeah, they're like Life of Brian, I think, with it. Like, you guys just said the wrong guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all.

Yeah, and then they're waiting for like, then obviously, like, I think every 30 years a rabbi is like, no, it's me. He's like, it's me. It's like one that's doing that. Like, I think now who's alive. I've seen, like, pictures of him. I'm like, oh, this guy. Yeah, it makes sense that they're like, these people,

if you're a con artistee, why would you not just like join Judaism? And then just randomly be like, it's me, by the way. It's weird that it's dropped off. Like the new version of that is like Dr. Umar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the closest you get. No one's claimed to be Jesus anymore. Or it's like in the 70s, I think you could really pull that off.

Yeah. People, the elephant gravey rest of, they think that's what's going off road, which is so funny. They're like, he is like this and that. I'm like, I think it's just the bunch of guys hang out. Like one guy's really famous. And like,

then he helps people out and then it isn't a weird bubble. Sometimes I think probably. And then he just gets in a weird headspace. But, uh, yeah, I think, uh, who would be, I guess it would be, I guess it would be sacrilege. If you put Rogan as Jesus, who would you? You like add up all the protect our parks and the other thing.

It's exactly 12. Yeah, dude. Jamie's the Holy Spirit. I don't know. That's a... Yeah. Judas would be... Who betrayed?

Chris Delea. Somebody like that fits in. I do feel back because I do got to wrap it up. You got to get it down. Yeah. And you don't wrap it up. No, I do not. One little joke at the end.

I did. Yeah. Yeah, do you have, do you know, Jake's Instagram, it's Strom? Jake Strom or Strombole? Jamie, pull that up. I mean, you can cut this out, so we'll just find it right now.

Well, first, what's yours? By the way, Joe's fucking hilarious, very funny comedian. That's very, yeah, I didn't make a great showing of it here. I was just watching in silence. Joe R. Papillardo. That is me. Yes, follow him. I can't really do anything different to be in different headspace

because I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't, I'd like a couple beers that pair. party last night. Dude, hell yeah. Yeah, but I'm like, I didn't like, I'm like, there's no, I'm just tired. So I'm like, that just happens sometimes as a podcast. That's perfect, dude. Jake Strom L-O-L.

Perfect. That's Jake. Thank you guys. We'll see you next week.