Morning Good - Something's Gonna Blow - Epiode 72

Episode Date: April 17, 2022

Thanks to Eli and Lucas for coming back on the show. Check them both out and give them a follow for any more info on shows coming up in NYC or your area.Follow Lucas on Instagram @hinderloser for and Eli is as well @eli_haba.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. And we are starting. We're here with Lucas Hinder Lighter. Is that the only time, have I nailed it? Yeah, yeah. Didn't have to put a question mark at the end of it. I've been on this show fucking five times. Every time you're like Hinder lighter, I think.

Is there a far between Hinder and lighter? Like you said it, Hinder. It's not hyphenated. It's just one name. Do you ever listen to Hinder? No, do I haven't heard that joke since seventh grade. What's Hinder? Coming from the lips of an angel.

You know that song? No, but this is like the same type of rock that you love. I like all kinds of rock. They're like Nickelback. You like Yacht Rock? Yes, I love Yacht Rock. Do you really? Like, like, like,

Like, Rick Astley? No, Flewack's not. They're not. They're not. I had a Yacht Rock playlist and Flewwood Mac was on there.

Yeah, is incorrect. They put Fleetwood Mac on there because all the other yacht rocks sucked. So they had to put something good on there. We're also here with Eli Haba, by the way.

What's up? And I have fucking pneumonia and I'm sweating and I feel like garbage, but we need to crank out and up. The people need to hear what we have to say. It is very hot in here. Well, okay, maybe I'm not that sick.

You know, let me try on the air conditioning. Yeah. Can you start talking about why you relate? I don't think it's hot here Well, okay So I was late because My girlfriend's been out of town for a week And when she goes out of town

I live... Cheat on her No No On the record, no Off the record He's winking at Michael Good I'm sorry

I cheated on her with Michael Good No, so when she's gone I just live like an absolute piece of shit Yeah. Like, I just, like, my apartment's was trash, dude. Like, there's, like... You guys live together? Yeah.

And, like, there's Taco Bell rappers everywhere. And, like, it was disgusting. So... You got Taco Bell rappers for stuff they haven't sold in, like, five years. Yeah. She's like, what the fuck is this? Fucking... The fucking...

It discontinued the CrunchRap Supreme. Yeah, exactly. So it was... Dude, I never have one of those... I do the same shit... CrunchRop Supreme? No. You ever had a CrunchRap Supreme?

Yeah, dude. I used to do... I used to get two crunch... Traps, Supremes, eat them both with the hot salt, the hottest hot sauce, smoke a cigarette and sit on your couch for 20 minutes.

And then you have to go take a crazy shit. Crazy shit. That's what I need. I've been constipated about. I've been drinking apple juice. That'll make me shit my brains out. Yeah. Prune juice is good too.

I got to try that. This is what people want to hear about me, diarying. But no, I do the same thing. My girlfriend. I warned both you guys on this might be a bad episode because my brain is like off to a hot start.

Dude, I'm, on the verge of having hallucinations. This is... Oh, hell. Are you getting, like, fevers and shit? Dude, the doctor, when I went on Friday, I was at 103.5. That's high.

Which I had no idea that was high. You know, 108 will kill you. Yeah, the guy's like, you're at 103.5. I'm like, sweet. He's like, no, that's bad. I was like, what? You're like, that's not like when you take a test in eighth grade. And I'm like, you got 104%.

Oh, dude, that was sick when you could get like better than the end. Better than perfect? You feel the bonus questions. Like, did those roll over onto the next test or am I still going to fail this class? Yeah, that was always annoyed. Sometimes the most of the question would be like, what is Mr. Anderson's favorite movie? Right.

Like, Jaws. And then what is it not the morphies or the matrix? It sounds like a shitty radio station. 103.3.5, the heat. Just, uh, I'm dying. We had fucking, hinder the whole time. Yeah.

We had Z 88.3, which is like the Christian safe for the year station. 88.3 by me, that was like a publicly owned jazz, uh, out of Newark, New Jersey, 88.3. Oh, nice. Yeah, they were pretty cool. They would have, they had jazz at night

and then just, I think anybody, if you had like a hundred bucks, I think you could just rent the studio for an hour and be broadcast. Oh, there would just be the craziest shit. That'd be funny.

There's just like a white supremacist. It's like, you know, we need to get fucking rid of. We have to respect his right to free speech. It's like public access TV. Yeah. I've been on that.

Pepino Clemenza had his television show. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know who that is. You know Pepino? He's the pair of the shorter guy. Oh, wait. Yeah. You said the shorter guy, you held out your hand.

It's still way taller than he is. He's like down here. Someone called him retarded at a mic recently. That makes sense. And he like kind of, I think he cried. Oh, shit. And walked out. It was very sad.

I don't know why I brought it up, honestly. Wow. I ain't genuinely like that guy. He's a good dude. He's crazy. He's a good dude. Yeah. I used to think he owned the grisly pair

because everybody would be like, that would make more sense. He was always like, I own this place. he's just a guy that he gets drunk at the bar all the time. And I was like, oh, okay, I guess he's the owner. But it's just because he gets drug there all the time. Yeah, he's a bar fly and he hops up on stage. But he had a public access television show.

It died with COVID. I don't think he ever brought it back. But there's, you can watch it on YouTube and I highly recommend it. Is it good? It's so fucking funny. You've watched it? Yeah, yeah. It's so fucking funny, dude.

It's like what the Eric Andre show is doing on purpose. His show does accidentally. you could go to him honestly you could be like hey man we're going to like restart this show I'll pay for it you have like a budget of like five grand for 20 episodes and then you could take them and you could sell them to

adult swim and they put it on but as soon as he realized like what the joke was here like he'd be trying to get in on it it would just ruin it yeah yeah it's so accidentally funny it's just like the background is off a little bit or like the lighting is wrong it's so fucking funny like a windy city heat kind of thing you ever see that movie no it's that what's up

Oh, it was a comedian in L.A. Don Barris. He would, like, do a lot of stuff at the comedy store. But they, like, convinced this one of their friends who's kind of crazy that they were filming a movie and he was going to be the star. And they pretty much... This is such a sick prank. And, like, it was like a... Yeah, they just, like, filmed him, like, thinking he's the star of this movie. And, like, they would pay people to treat him, like, like, you know, they would pay paparazzi shit and, and, like, hot actresses. it's a, I recommend it.

So he thinks he's going to be like in a Hollywood movie. Yeah. And there's like BuzzFeed news going on about this and so people are treating him like he's famous. Before the movie's ever come out, before he's ever filmed a scene of the movie. Yeah. Everyone's always like that's how celebrities were. Yeah. We're picking this guy's going to be the next Brad Pitt.

He hasn't done anything. Well then they start like Okay, but you guys film. On the mic, father. They start like. Hold it up higher like here? Yeah, yeah. More on the closer to the tip. Okay. So they start like. Up the balls of it.

They start filming these fake scenes in the movie and they're just fucking with them the whole time like wow we gotta take that again it was terrible and it's like they try to like take 258 yeah they're like well there's a gay kissing scene

and he's like no not doing it and he's like dude for the movie though they get him to kiss the dude yeah now you have to suck his dick also he like has to jump out of a window like 20 times like no just do it against but really funny

what's it called heat windy city heat windy city heat Windy City Heat. Yeah. It's like a cult classic. You ever see the movie? I think it's called American Movie.

This dude who's like a total idiot is like, I'm going to make a movie and it's going to be like the next great fucking whatever. He's just trying to make this epic film. He's a moron. He doesn't know anything about storytelling or filmmaking or anything. He's a complete idiot. And he enlists the help of his friend or his guy, you know, it's like make the movie. And the guy he recognizes like, this is going to be terrible. So he's filming a documentary about this idiot.

trying to make a movie. And then the documentary, like, goes to Cairns and becomes, like, an excellent movie. And this dude, like, becomes, like, a hero. But he's just the fucking buffoon of the whole thing. It's, like, almost like the room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, maybe he's fucking nuts. So, anyway, I was late because, uh...

Because you watched all three of those movies. No, I got drunk last night. I was supposed to clean my apartment. And, uh, and I woke up this morning, like, not this morning. I woke up late today. And I'm like, oh, fuck, my girlfriend's going to be here at 3.30. and this place is trash and I have to go

So it's so funny Because I have the same situation And I clean up with the same franticness As if I was cheating on her Oh she's like I'm like too This is bad I gotta clean this up now She can't find out that I messed up the place

Exactly yeah Wiping shit down The Z88.8.3 thing was funny though Because like what happened was it was called Safe for Little Years And one time these guys drove by me And they're like fucking faggot And they had the license plate

And it said they had a sticker That said Z88.3 Safe for Little Ears Wait what is it? Safe for the layers? Safe for little ears. It's like a little ears. It's just so funny because like, wait,

that guy just fucking scream at us and then he has one of those. But we also, we had a good Christian rap station, which is so funny. It was, dude, Christian rap can actually be good.

It's like Christian rock can be good. I'm gonna get some water. I disagree with that. I think black dudes are naturally more religious and spiritual. I don't know if on a, just, is the Christian? Are they just strictly off the stereotypes?

Like, yeah, they're just recording like a Baptist church? No, it's like the dudes like, I'm from the fucking streets, but I always got my homie, God. And it's like That's like good Christian rap though. No, it's hilarious. It is good. It goes in. I'm sure

the station's gone. They get like that white preacher from a Tosh.0. You know what I'm talking about? Which one? My crew is big and it keeps getting bigger. Oh, that's because Jesus Christ is my beep. Yeah. That one's so, that's the funniest video in the fucking world. Yeah.

That shit's almost. Christ is my N-word. Yeah, I think, I don't know if they found out where that video is fake or not. Yeah. It doesn't matter to me. Yeah, it's still so funny. Yeah, yeah. 1057, the X. That was the big one in Peoria.

1057, the end word. It was just called The X and they played like, they pretty much played Hinder. Oh, hell, yeah. Oh, so you know Hinder? But Rock, I do know Hinder. Well, I was going to. Oh, no, you didn't know Hinder. I have no idea.

Oh, okay. Lips of an Angel. That was, uh, they played that. They played that at every eighth grade dance. Oh, do you remember that? It's like, my girl. Every eighth grade dance you went to. There's at least two of them.

That's why you were late. You went to an eighth grade dance. I should have said it's a grade school, but... Were you guys big into grinding? You grinding was my shit back in the day. I remember the first time I saw somebody grind. I'm like, wait, you can just... That's what all those dances were.

Yeah, I was like, you just go up and start humping girls from class. They're like, yes, it's totally socially acceptable. Like, this is fucking... It's what you're supposed to do here. Looking back at it's bizarre. Like, there's girls that wouldn't make out with you, but they would grind with you. which is crazy because I'm like I'm rubbing my dick on your, I mean, it makes sense your mouth is a little more like intimate.

But like you would literally like, I remember we had this thing called Catillion. It was like, it was for kids from other schools to me. It wasn't like this so Catillion you think. I don't even know what to think about Catillion. Yeah, yeah. What's the one you think I'm thinking of? Well, there's Catillion where like you go and learn manners. And this is the opposite.

This is how you learn how to misbehave. This is where you learn. Do you know what he's talking about? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's, yeah. You're from St. You're from St. St. Louis, right?

Is this like a something? I think he probably is a southern interture. It's, um, yeah, it's like manners class. Like, they teach you how to be proper. Like, where, like, how to act during dinner and shit. Oh, like, what fork is a solid fork? Yeah. And they had that, but then they had Catillion.

That was Catillion for bitches. They had cool guy, catillion. Whereas, like, kids from all different schools would just go to this and they dress nice. It was supposed to be like, so you can meet kids before going to, like, whatever high schools you went to. And, dude, every time it was just fucking just grinding. There was one chick on the red dress. I don't want to say her name, but I know her name still.

And it was like, dude. Every time at his day, they're like, bro, like, 50 dudes grinded on this chick back at the day. There was, like, a line of dudes just, like, waiting. Like, yeah, can you fucking gang bang? Oh, yeah, yeah. Everybody was in like, dude, can you fucking, like, hurry up? I want to fucking grind on this chick.

It was, it was the shit. And then, uh, I don't think I ever got a boner grind. I think maybe one time I got, like, a half chop, and I'm like, hell yeah. There was no way you didn't. How could you not get a bone or grinding? I'd get a bonner grinding today. That's what you're wearing.

If you're wearing, if you're wearing, uh, sweats, yes. If you're wearing, you're wearing sweats to contillion. Not to that.

There's like kids dressed up to go to cotillion, you know, gray sweatpants. No, if you're wearing like, if you're wearing something that's thinner, then it's easier.

But I remember, yeah, it's like, yeah, but you wear like suit pants. If you're doing it. Wouldn't you wear like slacks or something

or khakis? Yeah, that's why you get hard to cotillion. But we had like a school dance where you wore jeans. Couldn't get my fucking. Your mom's helping you pick out

your outfit. You're like, no, these are too thick, mom. Yeah, I'm not going to feel anything. What the fuck is this? Strip Club rules. Oh, yeah. Everybody wants to wear a kilt, like they're the Scottish kid. That would be the fucking move. Just hiking up. Dude, somebody told me a crazy story. I probably shouldn't be seen this in the podcast. Let me just make sure

this is plugged in. There we got me. Does it show? It's a show. It should be fine. Someone told me, I might have to cut this out, I'm just going to stand now. One of my friends apparently... Check? Yeah, you're fine. Balls. Is it coming up? Check, check, check, check.

Oh, that one over there. Yeah. I'm going to cut back that part. If I run out of things, I'll talk about the Kilt thing, but I heard some crazy Killed shit. I'll go back through it a second. Oh, okay. Wait, what's the story you shouldn't tell?

Yeah. This is about how, apparently, there's this very big golf tournament going on. I don't know. I guess everybody knows about this. There's this very big golf, not everybody, but there's very golf tournament going in my hometown.

And one of my friend's dads went with his other friend in Kiltz. Like, it was a very well-respected golf thing. And instead of, like, dress, you're supposed to dress like very fancy. They got hammered and went in kilts. And apparently they freeballed the whole time. So it's like very nice golf country club thing. Everybody could just see their ass and shit like that.

Hell yeah. And then they like crashed the golf cards like into the water because they were shit face. And they're like, you have to leave. And they're like, no, we're playing through. And they just played like the whole thing and got banned for like three years. Why wouldn't you be able to say that? Michael Good's like sharing local Orlando gossip. Yeah.

It's too hot to talk about. I can't tell you about the 13 year old girl in the red. dress from 15 years ago. I don't know, man. I've never golfed. I've never golfed. I have gotten shit-faced, though. Yeah. I've done it in parks, which are kind of like golf courses. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, now let me check yours. This is just giving us your pneumonia.

Should I hold it here or not? No, hold it up here. Up here. I feel like gravity is pulling it out. What is pneumonia? I don't know what it is. It's pneumonia is you have like, a bacterial infection in the bottom of your lungs. Okay. And so you can have these like these nodes in your lungs kind of like fill up with like liquid. You can actually drown with pneumonia. That's fucking sick.

You'll be on land. You could drown in your sleep with pneumonia. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. That's pretty cool. The only thing I drown in is pussy. Oh, shit. I wish I had a fucking shout boy.

As soon as my girlfriend comes back from vacation. Oh, yeah, she'll be there when I get home. I hope I cleaned it well enough. I'm glad I'm not there right now. it's so funny being scared of like a 25 year old woman. Like that's how my life is now. I'm like scared. I'm scared of her being mad at me.

I'm like, dude, I can't. It's like every little thing. She's like, you don't scrow on the caps enough, which I don't. I'll take milk and I'll just...

Screw on the caps enough? I'll put caps. What? That's, why? Why do you do that? That's actually something that drives me crazy. I went to put oat milk in something the other day.

It was cereal and I shook. He's supposed to shake things. You can take them out of the fruit. Not regular milk, but like all types of synthetic milks, orange juice. I shook the fucking milk and it just squirts everywhere because Jake used it, I guess, and didn't put the cap on all the way.

It's a fucking quarter turn more. I know, I know. It's super simple. It's such a easy thing to do. It's very hard. I'm pissed now. I'm just kind of fucking dumb ass because I'll put it on and then I just won't think to turn. I don't know.

I'm stupid. I don't get scared to my girlfriend being mad at me. It's just such a hassle. So annoying. Yeah. Because now it's just like we're both just missing. miserable now. Oh, and it feels like it's a delicate path.

Like, I feel like I do one thing wrong, and then I'm like apologizing for like 30 minutes. I don't know. I always just say, I'm sorry so much. And then I'm like, it doesn't seem meaningful. I'm like, it isn't because I just want you to not be mad at me. I don't know why. It's like, yeah, of course. Damn, I'm fucking really sweating.

There's a couple real men right here. What's up? A couple real men. No, we're fucking poisons. Nah, dude. We should, we should break up with our girlfriends and just date each other. Dude, that would be such a funny twist to pull on them. Just start dating a dude and be like, he doesn't complain about what I don't screw the time.

He doesn't give a fuck. And then you like see your apartment in one week and it's covered in Taco Bell rappers and there's fucking milk everywhere. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I would freak out about the thing though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, Michael, what the fuck? Do you do that with other cats? Like, you're from a state where you pump your own gas.

Did you have that, like you wouldn't screw the gas cap on all the way? No, my dad one time left the gas. He did that? No, no, he left, this is what he did. He left the gas thing in there. That's what I'm saying. Drove off. Did it rip off?

They ripped off. Damn. Showed up with literally the gas, like, handle and like a tube, like just hanging on, which I didn't think it would do that. I assumed it would come out of the thing. Now you get that like, he's just filling it while he's driving. That's a cool thing to have hanging up in your garage, though. Yeah, it looks cool.

It's pretty manly. Yeah. That's like, you only get that one way, you know? I would always leave the cap, like, on top of my car. I would undo the thing, put it up there, pump it, and then drive off and fall off. Okay, you're like me where you forget little things like that all the time, yeah. My dad would get so pissed. Also, you said you're from a state where they pump your own gas.

I'm from one of two, New Jersey. Yeah, yeah, most states, I think you pump your own gas. It's 48 of them, yeah. New Jersey and Oregon. I got yellow. I was filling gas in Oregon a while ago, and the dude come and, like, freaked out on me. Apparently, it's like a $400 ticket. If, like, a fire marshal sees you.

Yeah, dude, my. roommate in college was from Oregon and we went a road trip. Like I went to Florida State, but he was from Oregon and just moved to Florida and he's like dude, can I please pump the gas? I've never gotten to do it. And we're like, sure. He was like excited. No one wants to do this. Yeah, he's like, oh my god, this is so cool. Yeah, I pulled up in New Jersey for the first time and I

pulled up to a gas station and guy runs out and he's like trying to pump my gas. I'm like, oh, it's cool. He's like a homeless guy. He's like, why the windows? No, sir, no. I'm like, it's cool, dude. I got it. He's like, no, I have to do this. Yeah, it's actually illegal. Yeah. And then. And he's, like, standing there for a tip. I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

I never, never tip those guys. Absolutely not. Tipping you for something I've done my whole life. You know, it's crazy. Speaking of, this is totally unrelated and not even that crazy. But, you know, Johnny, the homeless guy? Is this another Florida gas up here? No, no, this is Johnny thing.

So you know that homeless guy? Johnny, I was talking about him earlier today. What were you talking about him? I was telling my girlfriend about, like, all the homeless people down in McDougal and, like, the ones I like, the ones I like, Johnny. Johnny's a good one. He's a little crazy. He's down. I got pretty crazy post-COVID.

He's the barricade guy. Spare penny. Spare change. Spare chain. Spare quarter? You ain't got a quarter? It's okay. I'll take a hundred.

Yeah. He's fucking nice and shit. Oh, you want of the comedy guys. I'll leave you alone. Yeah, yeah. That's perfect. Yeah, yeah. He's basically Adam Sandler.

You know, I rode the train with him one time. This is before COVID. I rode the train with him one night. And we're heading up down. And I was like, where are you going? He's like, I live on. And he just, he has an apartment. He told me where he lived.

I was like, oh, so you're not like homeless? And he goes like, no, I'm out there working. I can make $350 a day. Like he started to tell me he makes fucking hundreds of dollars and then dialed it back so I would still give him money. Yeah, yeah. Dude, that's so much more than I made with my job. Yeah, dude. That's like when I was working construction.

Oh my God. That's fucking solid. I mean, he's out there fucking all night. It's a pretty rich neighborhood. And he's got like, because if you see some of the guys that are down there that are, that's like what I was telling my girlfriend. It's like some of those dudes are fucking. terrible. Terrible.

The one guy now that has like the no eye, you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. That guy's the fucking worst. You assumed he, like, you could read your future. Yeah, you think that like one eye sees the street and the other one sees your soul. This guy's terrible. And he's so aggressive. He's the fucking worst.

He's like, his voice is like deep and low at the same time. You ever have him yell at you? Dude, yes. This is what I said it a bunch of times. He calls me racist and then calls me the N-word. Oh, yeah. You got to pick one. My fear is, one time I was like, can have some money?

He goes, he goes, I was like, I don't know how he. money, he goes, fuck you, comedy faggot. It's so funny, because it's deep, but it's hot at the same time. Yeah, he sounds like towley. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I got to hang out there more. It sounds like Cleveland Jr. Yeah, exactly.

No, that dude's a fucking, he's the worst one right now. I saw him, like, fucking step to Ben Frank. He got in his face the other day. Really? I was proud of Ben Frank. He didn't back down. Yeah, yeah, that guy's fucking nut. But he'll change.

Like, I remember 10 minutes later, comes, he goes, hey man, I'm sorry about yesterday. Can I please ask some money? And I was like, that wasn't 10 minutes ago, bro. You tried to fight me. He goes, I'm sorry. It's literally like, it's like fucking, uh, the sour patch commercials. Like, first they're sour.

Yeah, that would be a great sour patch commercial. He's got to fucking calls you the N-word and then asks you for money, but it's still a sour patch kid. He's like, I've been convinced. Like, I was talking to Jake about him and Jake's like, it's two different guys. And I'm like, no, dude, it's the exact same person. That's how different the personalities are. He's a completely different dude.

I mean, it's meth and probably mental illness combined. Yeah. I'm a shout out of his meth, but almost beat up a drug dealer outside the grizzly pair one time. Which one? I don't know. He's like a shorter Hispanic man. I think so. Wait, wait, wait.

Is he face tats or no face tats? I can't, I don't think so. I think you noticed the face tats. Okay, so this is the other guy. Yeah, he's always out there. Yeah, I know, yeah. So he was, I met him, like, I was doing a show at Greenwich and I was outside. He's like, hey, man, you party?

I'm like, oh, not tonight, man. And he's like, well, I deliver, take my number. I'm like, all right, fuck it. So the next day, I hit him up. I'm at Joey Bats. I'm like, hey, would you come over here and bring me some shit? He's like, yeah, sure. So I'm trying to get cocaine.

And he's like, he's like 150. I'm like, word, gotcha. Give him 150 bucks. I just grab the thing because we're in public. And I look at it, and it's dog shit. It's like a little rock of some. just white. I'm like, this is fucked up. So I call him. And I'm like, dude, I need money or drugs. Or I'm going to fucking kill you. You see that to him? Yeah. Yeah. Like, I like how you're like,

yeah, I got in a fight with that guy. No, you threatened. No, this is through text. And then, and I'm talking, like, you know, Miles and Lawrence and all of them. I'm kind of drunk at this point. They're like, dude, you just got to go over there. I'm like, I'm pretty sure he's outside of the grizzly pair right now. 100%. That's off. Yeah. You're like, you just got to go over there and fucking grab him, man. I'm like, all right, you convinced me, so I walk over there. And I, and I, I'm waiting in front of the grizzly pair for like five

minutes. And I, and then he walks by and I grab them. I'm like, hey, I need drugs or money in my hand right now. I'm going to fucking kill you. And then, and then this guy just walks over from across the street. And he's like, uh, he's like, whoa, hey, what's going on here? I'm like, your boy ripped

me off and I'm going to beat his ass if I don't get drugs or money. And then he goes, hey, don't rip this guy. off, give him his shit. And it was like his boss. It was like... Yeah, there's a bunch of them done. Yeah, it was like that guy's boss. He was like, give this guy some real drugs. Was he, was the guy that said that a big black dude? No, he's a white guy. He was like a proper looking white guy. Was he older?

Yeah. I think that's the other guy that hangs out there. He's like 50 something. Oh, yeah. I always thought he was like maybe some kind of Puerto Rican or something, but he looks white. I've had that guy. I've seen those two get an argument. I'm probably bleep the name later. But I already said, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but, but, It was funny. I saw him talking to that guy, the guys was drawing money. He's like, don't you ever show to the guy who ripped you off. He goes, don't you ever show up to my fucking house with that kind of dog shit again?

It's better be real fucking drugs. Yeah. Damn. These stories are making me lose respect for that first guy. I didn't know people talk to him. Oh, yeah. People are just shitting on him. A couple years ago, this is like before COVID, I was barking at the pair.

And there used to be like a bigger gang of those guys that hung out there. There was like that guy. There was like a big, big black dude who was like kind of in charge of everything, didn't move much fucking huge. You ever see that guy? 300 pounds huge super cool I thought he played sports

definitely not because he didn't like walk that far at all he was enormous he was fat he was like walked with a cane he was so fat or he just sit down

him and then there was like a real skinny black kid it was all the same guys all the time they're always out there together and there was like a fight inside the pair and like I knew them

because I would be barking out there and so they kind of knew me whatever were cool with each other they didn't ever try and sell me drugs I knew I was just working and there's a fight inside the pair

and Tate is like dragging this dude outside and Tate fights so he's got the thing completely under control and the dude's not that big and he's just pushing him outside and the pair is packed and they get to the door and to like kind of help move things along I just put my hand on the guy's arm the dude that was getting thrown out and at that moment he trips over his own feet and just falls out onto the sidewalk

and all the drug dealers see that and afterwards they come up to me like you handled your business in your house so they just thought I was the fucking man like I had a zero tolerance policy for people fucking around. He just fell. I touched him right as he fell. This reminds me of like the first time I ever,

first time I was ever in New York, the first night I meet Zach Petrovich at a show. He takes me over to the grizzly pair because I'm like, is there any Coke in this town? He's like, is there a Coke? You came to the right place. He takes me to the pair and there's a guy is what they called him.

I'm gonna have to beep all these names. I haven't seen them there. We should just call everybody. Yeah, just make everyone's name. I haven't seen them there recently, but yeah, so we get some blow and we start doing it in the bathroom and then this guy comes in, the pair,

and he's like an old guy, and he's talking about, like, he's like doing sermons, like talking about, he thinks he's Jesus. He's like, I am the son of Israel, you know, whatever, and he's like, get the fuck out of here, dude. And then he, like, keeps annoying, he just grabs. Stop say the name.

I'm going to make his job so hard. Anyway, so he was. So he just grabs him and, like, pushes the guy out of the door. And the guy takes, like, a stack of his business cards and just slaps the guy in the face with him. And, like, people are like, like, the bartenders at the pair, the guys who are still there. They're, like, holding back. Like, don't do anything. Don't.

God damn it. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tom, don't do anything, Tommy. Don't kill him. Tommy. You know, it's all good.

And then the crazy guy. someone from across the street sitting on a stoop saw all that happen. This black guy, he stands up, walks over, and just blindsides his old dude in the face, dropped him. I thought the guy was dead. And then he sits up and goes,

you let him strike the king of Israel? Banish him. You just witnessed it. He struck your god. What if that actually was Jesus Christ coming back down? He failed. And he's like, dude, this place is beyond safety. And me and Zach

was just like, we gotta get the fuck out of here. The cops are coming for sure. We got drugs in her pocket. Yeah, there's always some crazy you should go to. My favorite was Johnny paid me back recently. So he's like, hey man, can I buy out $5? And I was like, yeah, sure.

I know I'm never going to see his $5 again. Right. And then I'm talking to this other guy who's on the street. So I run in this like European guy who's like, do you know who I am? I was like, no, he goes, I didn't expect you to know who I am. And I go, okay. You obviously dude's fuck crazy.

He goes, I work for one of the biggest marijuana pharmaceutical companies in the whole world. Check out my yacht. And he shows me like, I'm like, cool, great. Very cool.

You fix my both. I'm not having sex with your wife in front of you. Yeah, yeah, or whatever you want. Yeah, whatever. In there. Oh, yeah, he's done that. I'll get it in a second. But then he goes, he goes,

what is this line for here? I was like, oh, that's a comedy seller. He's like, is that where you're selling, I'm like, no, I'm selling tickets for a different comedy club. And he goes, I will go to comedy seller. I go, you're not going to get in. he goes, watch this.

And I see him just talk to these girls in front of the line. He's like, hey, what's up? How's it going? And they're just so grossed out by him.

They're like, who's just fucking weird European guy? Watch this. You watch that. Just nothing happened. He's about to do a kickflip. And they're like,

no, thank you. Goodbye. And then he walks over to me and goes, ha ha, have fucking bitches. Like lesbians. I decided I want to go to your show.

Yeah. Yeah. And then he fucking up, the dude comes up and he sees Johnny just screaming at cars. Because Johnny has this thing where he'll block the street. He doesn't want. I love it when he does that. Yes. I've tried to figure out because he'll block the street and then he'll unblock the street.

And it's like, I tried to, is it like a number of cars that have to get through? Or is it a timing thing? It's so strange. The schedule he's on with his mind. It is bizarre. randomly, he'll be like, okay, you come through. Yeah. Randomly, he'll be like, I'm blocking the fucking road for hours. I got to hang out at this place somewhere.

I could go there every once in a while. And the whole list. You got to spend like two or three hours on the street. Yeah. And you will see. That's really what it is. Dude, there are days. I used to spend Saturdays on there and I would be out there for like,

yeah. 6, 10, 8, 12. Yeah, yeah. I'll be there since 4 to 2 a.m. Or no, probably 4 till 12.30. I used to, when I used to bark hard there, I would bark for like 6 hours plus. Yeah. And you're fucking out there.

Yeah. But what happened with this? And then the guy sees Johnny goes, well, man, why you're so crazy? He goes, you relax. Johnny's like, okay. And like, we're really gone. He comes, here's $20. He goes, here's $20.

okay, okay, okay. And then later, an hour later, Johnny comes back to me the $5, he goes, didn't think I'd remember. And this is like a week later.

He, like, remembered them. That's what I'm saying. He's surprisingly with it at times. Dude, one time he gave me $5 to give to Abby, he goes, give this to the blonde girl that's normally here.

I was like, I don't, okay. And then I gave Abby $5. She goes, oh my God, this is money I gave him a week ago. Hell yeah. Yeah. That's all true.

Yeah. Hanging out with the wrong homeless people. They all owe me money. Well, there are like some really terrible ones down there. But he's a good one. I also like the guy Jonathan, you know what I'm talking about, the one that like speaks English, Hebrew and Arabic. Okay.

I like him, but he's also spin kicked me. He's, well, the thing is with it, he'll punch him. I don't even think he does drugs. I think he's just legitimately crazy. He'll drink beer. Yeah. Okay. But I don't think he's like smoking crack.

I think he's like, I think his deal. I always felt bad for him because I've like talked to him. I've had like a half hour conversation where you like kind of really get to know him. And then you see him the next day. And he, looks at you like he's never seen you before. Oh yeah. And then two days after that, he'll say, oh, what's up, Eli?

But he knows who you are. He's just sometimes so fucking crazy. He knows T.J. Nays. Hi, DJ. How's it going? Yeah. My favorite thing was him, I saw him walk up to a car one time. He's like, hey, man, have some money. And he goes, where are you coming from?

He goes, I don't fucking know. Which is the funniest thing. He's like, I've got to do a drug since 9 a.m. I don't know where the fuck I've been all day. 9 a.m. 9.m. 1995. Yeah, yeah. It's like, what fucking.

but he yeah he socked Igor in the face apparently he just walked up to Igor Martinez Yeah Damn

I've seen him kick women before Yeah yeah he will Well We all want to do that I want to track something I said on a previous episode I may have just said

In conversation Or I may have not said it at all But I said it's okay To put women in chokeholds Let me Let me clarify that I don't think you should ever use Your hands

To grab a woman's throat Do the old half Nelson or something Okay moment swinging at you and you have your arm in their arm in there. You can't physically choke somebody. It's just a whole, like a container. You know what I mean? So never... How often are you getting

hit by women? Not that often, but I always see... But you think about it a lot. He's like, you know, the circumstances I could hit women. If this bitch hits me, I'm gonna choke her out. You never do, never do a hand, never choke somebody. But if you put somebody in a headlock with their arm, it's a pretty safe scenario. That's like, you can't drown somebody. That would be unethical. But you could waterboard them. That's totally fine.

Waterboard a woman if she's going to. exactly what I'm saying. I only waterboard women when we're having sex. There you go. Did I say that? Did those words come out right? Dude, I went hard last night. You waterboarded? I don't know. We were talking about choking and I thought it'd be funny. You know, if we like just made it waterboarding. She's into that. She's got a waterboarding. She's like, oh, that could probably feel really good. Waterboard me harder. Yeah. Waterboarding while you're coming. Yeah, it's like a more terrifying version of choking you. Yeah. Probably very exciting. That's like a whole thing, autoerotic. Oh, we just.

Asphyxiation. We just started a thing. Dr. Otto Erotic Octavius. It's Dr. Octopus. He choked himself with his own thing with his tentacles. I build tentacles. Now I'll choke myself while I come. I think we're going to be rich off this idea. I'm actually already kind of

rich right now. Autoerotic Octavius? I got a new job. Which? What? I was talking about how we're going to be rich off this idea. And then I was saying, what idea? This podcast? No. This is getting us nowhere.

Waterboarding porn. Oh. Waterboarding. That definitely exists. Isn't that what they got trouble for in Guantanamo? Was they like making them take like fucked up pictures? They, what?

Isn't that, wasn't that a thing? You guys know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were like, erotic pictures at Guantanamo Bay

and they got in all this trouble for it. That's, can you believe they were torturing people there? And that's what they got in trouble for? Dude, we were so fucking cool with it for the longest. Oh, this is, yeah,

extreme piss water. Yeah, this is a thing. Piss water. Yeah, of course that's what it would be. Um, you're getting waterboarded with,

That Guantama Bay shit's so funny Because I remember My dad was always against that kind of stuff Which was funny because I remember What, not torturing people? Yes, yes, I know it's weird But just be Just be eat dinner

You know, you should have tortured But I remember my dad always told me He's like, this is really messed up That like, where there's U.S. citizens Like in this fucking thing And I remember I'd go to school and talk about it And the amount of people that were on board With Guantama Bay was crazy

Everybody's like, well, they might be terrorists I'm like, do you know how crazy it is That you're taking U.S. citizens And they're like torturing them on a base because you think they could be a terrorist. And then it's like they have with no trial at all, you could just torture them. And everybody was so on board at the time

with that being like totally okay. Like I remember we being in class, but we're like, yeah, well, you know, you could be catching terrorists. No, I think it's cool. Do you not remember 9-11? I remember that. Maybe things were a little different for you in Florida,

but I watched the smoke billow out of lower Manhattan. They made my life. Anything we're doing for God and country, bro. Anything? They made my life torture. Who did? I don't know what I'm doing right now. My brain doesn't work, man.

I fucking went, me and Juan partied all night last night. You've had some hot rips so forth. We're good. We're good. Nah, I think this is a bad one. I like this one so far. This podcast is terrible, man. You shouldn't release this. I'm going to release it no matter what.

Dude, everyone who listens to this is getting pneumonia. We're people in this room for sure. You know what is creepy? We're the only ones who's going to listen. The x-ray plays. I'm not going to listen. When I had a love to. I've never listened to one of these.

When I went to the X-ray place, that was fucking crazy. So I went in and... It's fucking crazy, dude. My brain's not working either today, dude. Fucking nuts. I think I'm having a fever right now.

What? I don't... So, okay, I was used to confuse pneumonia and ammonia, the cleaning product. I'm like, I'm like... You get one from drinking the other. Yes. You can get pneumonia from ammonia.

yet. If you drink it, probably. Probably. Probably. So apparently I have you'll get something. Apparently I have sacks in my lungs that are like filling up with pus. That's what I just told you. Yeah, yeah. Ball sex. Ball sex in my lung. I suck so much. Don't be like, I'm not your doctor though.

Well, no, I looked it up because I thought this is all coming from my nose. No, it's like a lower lung infection. Yeah, it's fucking disgusting. It's horrible. It hurts a lot. And I'm probably going to die. Are you smoking cigarettes? No, but I hit, do I have you tried that? That's not going to work. I don't know.

You have a fire. escape and I have cigarettes. Fuck that. Your girlfriend's not here, right? Yeah, let's light him up. Light him up. I know. You're a cigarette guy, aren't you? Yeah, dude. I'm back. I didn't have a cigarette for since like January 2nd and I just started smoking again the other day. Trader. Hey, will you grab me some water while you're over there? Yeah, I have a cup right here.

Smoking. I like it. Yeah, I'm a fan. I've been smoking for a while. It pairs well. I don't like smoking by itself. It pairs well with drugs and alcohol. I like it by itself. Yeah. I mean, I used to smoke when I did drugs and alcohol, but I haven't done drugs or alcohol in a long time. Nothing's better than a shot of tequila, a bump of cocaine, and then a cigarette after.

Honestly, it's just like, that's my zen. That's your cure. Yeah. It's nobody that's your zen, because that sounds like the most stimulating thing. Yeah, it's not like a state of zen, exactly. Dude, I just get real chill. That's inner peace. I was a little nervous that the x-ray guy, though, was going to start.

me. And that sounds weird, but like, how you go in there and there's, the X-ray machine was making a weird noise. It was like, re-re-rear. And it was like a siren. Dude, it was very strange. And there was all dark. And there's a smiley face in the wall. He goes, look at the smiley face. And the guy goes, I'm going to push

you against the X-ray. And I'm like, what is happening here? He's like, we're going to X-ray your chest. So go ahead and drop your pants. Yeah, it doesn't seem. It was so funny, watch the guy, he goes, he goes, I'm going to push you against the wall. Okay. I was like, what is a cup your buttocks and lift you up. And I was like, what is that? And just me staring

face to face the smiley face was so odd. Because it was just like a drawn on smiley face in the wall like where your head's supposed to be. But that was okay. I didn't know. It's slowly starts speaking to you. And now you're brainwashed. It's like scarecrow from the first Batman. Oh yeah. My favorite thing is I always thought it'd be funny. What if Batman had like a great trip when he got like dosed with like the trippy medicine?

Oh yeah. He's just like, holy shit. This is fucking awesome. He doesn't want to fight crime. He just wants to chase that high. Yeah. Everyone. Dude, Alfred. Drug dealers, like, where's your stats? Where is it?

Alfred, we got to go see fish. It's going to be fucking sick. I never got into jam-band. Are people into jam-bants in Indiana? Wherever the fuck you're from, I don't care. I thought you're from St. Louis. From Illinois. I lived in St. Louis for years, but I'm from three hours north.

Peoria. Anyway, no. But I remember. What do you think that city's named for? Peoria. Yeah. It's a piece of That's where Richard Pryor's from

Really? Yeah, I think Yeah, I'm pretty sure That's what you're I thought he lived in like a brothel No, he's from Yeah, Peoria They have a statue of him

There Are we sure? I'm gonna look at it I thought he's from Oregon That's like Rocky Balboas From Philadelphia They got a statue of him there Yeah

Sam Kinnison Also from Peoria Really? Texas Yeah Fucking look it up guys Two comedy legends are from a town

in Illinois, neither of us have ever heard of. That's where I'm from. So three comedy legends. Nope. Oh, wow, that hurt. No, I took a break for a little bit. I'm trying to get back into it. But I had to get my mental health back.

Mental health is very important in 2022. I've been mourning my balls. This podcast is it morning? Is it Puria? P-U-R? Like, pure. Oh, Peoria. Peoria.

Okay, I thought it was purea. I was like, what is that? Yeah. Peoria. Let's see. He grew up in Celebration, Florida. No, I'm just kidding. It's like the Disney town.

There's like a Disney city in Orlando that was like built by Disney. It's like, City of a hundred thousand people. That's interesting. I'm surprised there's 100,000 people in there. It seems like it would be less. Yeah. That's where I'm from.

Isn't, well, I know his, he grew up in like a brothel, right? Like his mom was like a prostitute, I think. Yeah, there's, there's hose. in Peoria. Yeah. I got Hosen Piorias. You were telling me that there's strippers day, right?

There's the strip club. Yeah. So the comedy club, the jukebox. It's like, they have a comedy club? Yeah, yeah.

There's like a lot of famous people have played it. Like that's, there's, it's like a stepping stone comedy club. Like when you're first become a headliner, like you go to Peoria. But there's a strip club right next door that just burned down actually.

Just burned down like last month. Probably insurance purposes, right? I don't know. But I would, we would do the shows. and then the bartender would give us free passes to the strip club and then I would just go there and just to see girls I went to high school with.

That's exciting. I would like reconnect with them. See, now it's all only fans. So it's like, come on. It's like, yeah, I can see them. Which my girlfriend won't let me subscribe to. So it's not like I can just get a strip club. I could be like, oh, what do you know?

It's Chelsea from high school who I had no idea worked here. Good to see you. No, I wouldn't know who worked there. I would go in and just like. Oh, by chance. Yeah, yeah. It'd be like, no, not by chance. I knew girls from my high school definitely worked.

there. I said no which ones. Yeah. So yeah, it was fun. Then they're like surprised to see you and you're like, I'm a comedian in New York, whatever. That seems like it would be weird. I was totally kidding about being excited about that. It'd be very strange. Is it strange when you see, do you get a lap

dance from somebody you know? That actually sounds like it would be uncomfortable. No, it's pretty cool. You're like, this is what I wanted in high school. It's the same girl in the red dress that grinded everybody. Yeah, yeah. Well, we could have all seen this coming. I think I got pneumonia now. Dude, hell yeah. Jake's got it.

right? Jake's got something. No, he's got pneumonia. How does he know? I called him. He said he got pneumonia. How does he know? I told him like,

tell everybody you got fucking... You got pneumonia. Yeah. I know I haven't seen you in a week and a half, but this is what you got. No, he said he got it. He got it because he was in that fucking car with tape. First of all, he doesn't sleep.

So he didn't sleep for like two days. And then he went on the road to Atlantic City, on the road to Atlantic City with Tate. And they just drove with a window open. Sounds like a great movie. Yeah, exactly. On the road to Atlantic City. Yeah.

With Tate. Yeah. But they drove all the way down there on like the one shitty day last week. Every day was beautiful last week, except Thursday it was rainy and cold. So why doesn't he get the fucking trash bag window? Because he's like just running this car into the ground. The window does work. It just won't go back up.

You have to like pull it back up. So he was smoking cigarettes and the windows kept going lower and lower. Ah, okay. But so he did that and then he came back and has been sick ever since. I haven't seen him since he left. I haven't seen him since Wednesday. Yeah, he told me its pneumonia. he's been like in bed sick

well I'm doing fucking shows tonight with him yeah you're doing better than him I'll probably maybe I'll go one show I'm doing one show I just rejected two other ones but yeah I mean they're all barking spots can I can I do it you gotta get pneumonia first kid trying to get fucking back into stand up man

I had to get my mental health straight started this new job do you might have we talk about that at all now um yeah what yeah I mean how's me being rich or my mental health your mental health I how did you bounce back what was your I became rich. Oh, yeah.

There you go. So it can buy happiness. Yeah. No, I just had to chill. I had to find the lowest of lows, you know? Like, I was like a mess just getting hammered, doing blow every single day. Isn't that what you did last night? Yeah, yeah.

But not the night before. Still right in that wave. But, yeah, so I had to hit, like, it was like into January. I was like, I got to do something. So I just start applying to jobs, get my shit together, found a job. That's pretty fucking dope. And now I'm like, what are you doing? Rich.

I sell motorcycles. Oh, that's fucking sick. Oh, that's perfect for you. Yeah. Does Fred do something with that? He does something with motorcycles. Fred who? At the pair.

Fred Barker, Fred? Yeah. I don't know. I know he plays piano and guitar really well. Oh, I know that. That's all I know about it. Where are you selling them? It's a triumph dealership in Brooklyn.

Oh, that's definitely. Those are beautiful. Williamsburg, yeah. It's like three blocks away from Old Man Hustle, Williamsburg. It's like right there on Metropolitan. And it's like their flagship store. Like Triumphs. People love those in the city.

You see Triumphs all the time. Yeah. I see like Triumph Bonneville on like every other block. Do you still ride? Yeah, yeah. I don't have a bike right now after my last accident. Did the bike get totaled? It just wasn't worth fixing.

Like I could have. I was there that night. I remember so funny because everybody's trying. Yeah, you left right before. I was like, it's kind of stupid that he's doing wheelies right now. And then the next day, it was like, he crashed. I was like, oh, I'm on crutches. Yeah.

So, but the shop, like, lets me take home bikes whenever I want. Oh, fuck, yeah. I'm just like, hey, I want to ride this home tonight. And they're like, go for it, dude. Holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty cool. What happens if you crash one?

Do you have to buy it? No, shop's got insurance. I've crashed shop bikes before because I used to sell bikes in St. Louis as well. How many motorcycles have you crashed? I crashed one three times So I've crashed a few in my day I don't know I've been riding since I was four years old

So dude that's everybody Okay I don't understand this so I had a friend like this too So his whole family they were into bikes And they would How do you put a how does that even work How does it? Yeah that sounds like one of those like Southernisms I've been doing this since I was four years

No I make any sense He broke every bow of his body How small was the bike You could get 50cc Dirt bikes One of those crotch rockets? No, it's a dirt bike. Okay.

Yeah, my dad taught me how to ride a bike when I was four. And as soon as I got to, like, did it without training wheels, he bought me a dirt bike. And I've been on, been on them ever since. Yeah, I used to race. Poffing into the microphone? I want them to know what's going on. That's how good this story is going. I can't control my calves.

I'm not like I crashed a motorcycle one time and I've been scared to get on them ever since. Yeah, I don't know. It's like if I, if I die, everyone's told me I'm going to die on the bike. And it's like,

if I die on a motorcycle, I'll die happy, man. Live by the bike, die by the bike. So you're like, well, it depends on what's happening. But you say if I die on the bike,

I'll die happy. But like, what if you're on the bike and some guy is strangling you on the back? You know what I mean? Honestly, that's one of my new jokes I've been, uh,

Really? Because I've been trying to get back into stand-up, and I'm trying to write more about my life rather than, like, the jokey jokes I usually do. Yeah. And, yeah, that was one of the jokes. It's like, if I die on a bike, I'll be happy. That's how I want to go, you know,

and just ride my bike with a rope around my neck. Tied to a pole. And just take off. Visually, that would be a funny suicide. Just to see someone just launch and then fly back. Just rip their head off. Oh, fucking. That would be dope if evil caneeval did that.

Yeah. a wire attached to his neck. It's 200 feet long. He goes and then his head rips off and his body jumps like six school buses. Nails the land. Nails it. They're just interviewing a headless body.

Like, you can fucking great there. What do you? You don't be cool. A bungee cord too. I mean, that probably take your body. Bungy jumping, but you wrap it around your neck. You die and then it shoots your body right back up. That's funny.

That's funny. Oh, yeah. Well, I was thinking about it, like, because I sell bikes, and I was thinking about, like, how many people I've sold motorcycles to that are dead right now because of what I've sold them. Really? I'm, I feel like... You mean the heroin you sold them outside of the motorcycles. I feel like a heroin dealer. Like, I killed Philip...

What was I, dude's name? Philip Seymour Hoffman? Wait, wait. You've actually sold bikes to people that have died on the motorcycle? Probably. Oh, you don't know. I sold a bike to a guy, like, two weeks ago who, like, I... I didn't, he didn't tell me he didn't know how to ride.

When I got a motor cycle, I had no idea how to ride it. And the dude just explained it to me. He's like, have you ever drove a manual transmission car? And I was like, yeah, and he goes, you'll be fine. This is the clutch. This is the front break. This is how you shift. Down is first, up his second.

Yeah. From like a liability standpoint, I couldn't sit there and teach him how. So I sold on the bike. I pushed it off the property. And then, uh, and I'm like, all right. Once you're off the property, it's your problem. Yeah. It's like, it's like, yeah.

And then he gets on. Wait, but he has to have, to buy a motorcycle in the States, you definitely need a license. Nope. You don't need a bike license? No, sir. You don't need proof of insurance. No. Well, if you finance it, you do, they give you insurance.

Yeah, who the fuck is buying a triumph outright? They're like 10 grand, aren't they? Oh, you'd be surprised. Yeah. 10 grand? The most expensive one is 25 right now. But how much is like one of those Bonnevilles? Aren't they like 10 or 12?

10. Yeah. Yeah. No, you don't need a motorcycle license. So he gets on it. and he starts it up and he just hits the throttle, and he goes, whiskey throttle.

He's like, no, he's like, why didn't it go? And I'm like, oh, you have to shift. He's like,

oh, you got to shift these things? And I'm like, that's not electric, bro. I'm like pulling the clutch. Yeah, down's first up from there.

That's all I can tell you without like, any kind of liability on my end, you know? And then, is there like a ghost package where you sit on the bike behind him and like his hands are on the thing and you're doing all the shifting? No, but I did have to, I have given a couple rides to people who didn't have a motorcycle license so that I couldn't let him test ride it. But they're like, I can't buy it without riding it.

I'm like, hop on the back, dude, let's go. That's the same feeling. Yeah. Can you feel a man's wiener when he's on the back? I'm such a fucking child. I'm just kidding. I had a girl. I wrote a motorcycle.

I only rode one for like two months. I was in Vietnam. And I got a motorcycle in Saigon and I drove it to Hanoi. Fucking killed Charlie. It was fucking dumb, dude. It was so much fun. I broke my collarbone. I flipped the motorcycle over, landed on my shoulder, broke my collarbone at the end of the trip.

But I met this chick in southern Vietnam, and she was riding on the back and just pulled my dick out and started giving me a hand job while I was driving the motorcycle. I'm not going to act like that's never happened to me. Fucking terrifying. That was the most afraid I've ever been to crash. If I crash, I'm, my dick's heart. Was it O-T-P-H-J or? No. O-T, like, out the pants.

Yeah. But that I bet when you came, it was. was dope. Oh, I didn't. I was too a furry day. It gets caught, blocks my fucking helmet

so I can't see it. I picture you just sprang all over your shirt and you just jump off and you just jump off at like a rest-up. It's like, how's it go? Can we get some omelets?

I need omelets. Seltzer napkins, no questions. Omelets in Vietnam. I thought, I don't know why. I thought it was a Vietnamese hooker. I thought you were gay.

Thailand is when they have weeners, right? Lady boys. Yeah. Okay. Hey, that's insensitive. Anyone could be a lady boy. You're right.

That's true. You're right. I wish that was the preferred pronoun. Lady boy. You know what's crazy? If that was the preferred pronoun, no one would ever fuck it up. Yeah.

They've been shopping at the bit to say that one. What's up, lady boy? Oh, thank you. Thank you for respecting my pronouns, lady boy. But apparently in Thailand, like you're supposed to call them that.

Like, they're like, that's what they're called. Yeah, they're called lady boys. Yeah. And it's like, apparently it's like a respected tradition.

I don't know about that. That's what I heard. I've been there. I don't know what they were. She's a woman man. A lady man. Wait, so did you, I still got to finish this. So did you come?

No. No, you didn't. Okay. I got it. It was like a precursor. All right. It's just such as, I mean, it's right there. Why wouldn't you do that?

Instead of wrapping it here, they wrap it here. Yeah, exactly. She's holding on for dear life. It's kind of hot like from the back. Yeah. Exactly. a little dominant on her part. Yeah, yeah.

Because you're a little spoon. Yeah, yeah. You just fucking grab your thing. Then I looked back and it wasn't the person who got on the back. Like, who the fuck are you doing? Like, who the fuck are you doing? Hey, man, you were selling me box at the shop and I thought it hot. Wait, so you got jerked off and you, you didn't come?

I did. And where to go? Well, so. Come all over the seat, right? Yeah, the gas, the gas tank. It was a, it was the funniest thing in the world. So, like, there's wind protection. there. So that part's not getting hit by the wind.

I just came on the gas tank. Oh, nice. Yeah. And then I had to actually pull over and put my dick away. I'm like Oh yeah, because you just have a lift dick just flopping in the way. Exactly. Limp dick. Are you with me though? Isn't it so much scarier to ride a motorcycle with

your dick out? Yeah. Yeah. It's one of those things where it's like, you're a skateboard? Not really. You ever skateboard? It's scarier to skateboard in the winter than it is in the summer. Because 100% it would be with your dick out. But you're just doing all these activities. Do you remember

cooked bacon with your dick out and football with your dick out? You ever feed alligators with the chicken hanging from your dick? Everything's scarier with your dick out. Except sex. But it makes like the threat of falling so much more real.

Because now you're like, if you're, I'm going to fall on a motorcycle. You're like, okay, I might like lose all the skin on my arms and legs. And I'm like, I'm going to lose. lose my dick. I have road rash on my dick. It would be funny if you were like uncircised and then it purposely circumcised your dick like falling off.

That would be funny. That wouldn't be the most traumatic thing in the world. You're right? That's great. It turned out great. When you come when you're scared, it's awesome. So mental health is going well for you. Have you ever come when you're terrified? No. Pretty fun. I have the opposite.

But you have that's kind of terror that's like, physical harm terror. So that's in line with like the asphyxiation thing. That's not like gun to your head terror, right? I guess it kind of That is just like

There are people that can only come with like a gun to their head. Yeah. I know somebody. Yeah. I've heard about it. Somebody was talking about how they have what is it?

There's a comic who used to work at sex parties and work the door, which is hilarious. They're like, yeah, we'll put you in the door. You'll check IDs. Yeah, yeah. there's no kids. But this is some guy

brought in like his gun and he's like, no, he's like, okay, can he take the bullets out? He's like, no, it was the whole point of this.

Like, I'll know the bullets aren't in it. But I'll tell you that's fine as long as you're not putting the gun to somebody else's head while having sex. That's rape. He puts it to his head or he has the person

put it to a person do it. Yeah. That's fine. Like, oh, I better come. Or I'm blow. I'm into it at all.

Or it's the other way right. It can come out. Something's going to blow. Something's going to blow. Well, I think it's also like, that's got to be tough Because somebody's also fucking you How do they not like free? Are you not worried they're gonna pull the trigger?

Well, that's like, do that. What if he lied and he's like, yeah, the gun's empty? So he tells that to the girl that's fucking him. She thinks the gun's empty So she pulls the trigger because the gun's empty And then blows his fucking head off. How do you explain that to the cops? Yeah, I don't know.

I think this is what happened to Phil Spector, right? Who? Phil Spector. I know who it is. I don't know that happened to him. He shot someone for sure. I don't know. He's a sex party with a gun and he's just like,

like, give me all your money. This is how I come. You need to respect that. We don't kink shame here. He comes in the gun still to her head. And she's like, oh, it's over now. He's like, no, give me all your money. I'm taking everything now.

What happened to Phil Spectre? That's kind of what happened to a Sam Cook. I don't know who that is. Sam Cook, musician. I was born on the river. But who sentenced to prison for the murder of a woman at home died on Saturday. That's not helpful. Like yesterday?

How did he die? Honestly. I died yesterday. January 16th, that actually was pretty recent. That was my birthday. Is it really? No, it's the 15th. Just trying to release.

Stolen valor. Yeah, dude. You're gonna take a fucking mean piss. Where you keep going? Yeah, no, let's end here. What do you guys want to promote? Get jerked off on motorcycles. I'll promote ISIS for the day.

Isis? Yeah. I'm down with that. I'm going to, I'm going to start running shows out of the motorcycle shop. Oh, hell. Hell yeah. My manager, like, I was going to ask him, but then he just came up and asked me. He was like, you want to run shows here?

I'm like, hell yeah. And we're going to have Alonzo Bowden. Oh, fuck, yeah. He's a great comic. Yeah, he's sponsored by Triumph. Really? Yes, and the shop's, like, paying for it. They're producing the show.

Dude, holy shit. He's a really good comic. Yeah, it's going to be huge. We have, like, an email. Yeah. I don't know why. I love the idea of the bike guy, the guy being, like, really strict about bad language and stuff there. He's, like, a tough mowers.

He's, like, hey, no inappropriate jokes. I don't want you to say anything about fornicating before marriage. So, yeah, we're going to pack that place out. Fuck, yeah. We have our email list. It's supposed to be like an ad. It's a motorcycle shop. You're not allowed to smoke within 100 feet of the front door.

Yeah. It probably is dangerous to the gas, right? I smoke right next to the car. Just filling the gas. I was smoking. But yeah, look out for that. This is going to be April 1st or April 21st. Okay, sweet.

Where your Instagram or Twitter or anything you're promoted on? At the real Joe Rogan. Are you really? Nah, it's at hinder loser. It's just sad. What? I picked it too. Anyway.

Yeah. All right. Fuck yeah. And Eli underscore. Wait, wait, no. You were going to say something else? Yeah, I'm rich now. So, like, you know, hit me up on it on Instagram.

If you want to hang out, I got money. Hell, yeah. There we go. Right on. Do you pay anyone to hang out with you? Yeah. I'll pay anyone to hang out with me. Fuck you.

I'm talking about bitches, dude. I have a girlfriend. Don't cut that part out. Dude, that's me half as fucking episode is like, fuck, dude, that only fan thing I said earlier.

I was joking. She's gonna be mad about that if she listens. I love you, girlfriend. I love my girlfriend, too, so much.

Everything I said here was a joke. I love my girlfriend so fucking much. You got to bleep all that out at the end of it, right? You should hear what he says off mic, though. Fucking whore. Hoar,

all of her slots. What did you want to promote, Eli? uh instagram eli underscore haba that's it all right and then it was it