Morning Good - Splash Panther - Episode 132

Episode Date: November 13, 2022

Brandon Barrera and Artan X. join the show for today's episode. They talk about after funeral parties, Dog Island and Wolf Lake, and getting back at CVS employees.Thanks to Artan X. and Brandon Barrera for coming back on the show. Check both of these guys out on previous episodes of the show, and for even more, click the links down below.Artan is on Instagram @artan_x, and you can hear more funny stuff from him on the TJ Francis Program. Brandon is on Instagram @brandonobarrera and hosts a show at the Comedy Shop in NYC on Fridays and Saturdays.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good? I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right, and we're starting. We're here with Brandon Barrera. And we're here with Ardennex. And R&X is looking up stuff. We were looking up. I'm not looking up anything, dude.

He can't look up anything because he got an iPod touch for a fucking phone. Yeah, that's what it looks like. This thing is the opposite. I thought I had a fucking phone that nobody liked. Oh, like the music things, the play? Just small. Yeah, the iPod. Yeah.

That is an iPod. It's a small phone. Get out of here. I don't need a big damn ball. I remember my first fucking my iPhone and when I'm like, when you first could like search the internet. Well, first off PSPs where I first got into porn. I was like, this is fucking awesome.

My parents caught me with a PSP. I looked up pointed boobs because I was just curious. I was like, are something pointier than around? and there's this picture of women with like traffic-looking titties and then traffic cone of the poof the nipples were like yeah

you're watching elf and you're like looking at the hatch like hmm what if that was what if that was a titty? Yeah yeah yeah you know what I used to do with my PSP I was like go in my shower

and leave my PSP on the window and like go on porn and like jerk off and sometimes I would forget the PSP in the window so like my mom would go in the bathroom and be like why is the PSP on the window and I'll be like oh let's playing games

I was playing great Thetado Dude My favorite was when the iPhone first came out We were in like I think seventh grade My buddy I'm not gonna say his name

Let's say his name is Jimmy He got an iPhone And my buddy Let's say his name is Tim Also had an iPhone And Jimmy started dating this girl Right 7th grade She had huge boobs

And he was like Oh my buddy Jimmy was also Timmy was also texting the girl He's like oh hey So they just became boyfriend girlfriend friend, Jimmy and this chick, and they're like flirting or whatever. And then my other friend's like, oh, I also have her number. She's also flirting with me.

He's like, well, she's my girlfriend. He goes, let's test her trust. Let's see if she's a good girlfriend for you. The first day, he goes, let's both ask her for nudes and see what happens. Because this girl's, like, known for ascending nude. You know how, like, that's a thing. Oh, yeah. This is the nude girl.

I never got with those girls, by the way. Big mistake. What were you doing? I was nervous. It's so much better to see boobs of somebody you know. It's, like, way better than things. pornography. You're like, oh, there's somebody I know. But we're all three hanging out.

And then she sent the same picture of her boobs to both of them on an iPhone. And we were like, oh, my God. Like, we're like, that's a bad girlfriend. And then we go, you know what we should do? We should take a picture of all of us together flicking her off. So, like, we dressed in like pirate hats and hold us held a sign that said, fuck you, and sent it to her.

Oh, the pirate hats. It was just fun. That'll show her. I got the damn. She probably called you guys all fucking losers. Yeah. She went, damn. It's a show her. Damn, my husband, my new boyfriend's gay

She did the nicest thing She sent her a picture of her boobs Yeah, but like she had a boyfriend And then immediately sent her boyfriend's friend A picture of her boobs Yeah, who cares She's for the boys Everyone got boobics

Yeah, that is true That's the way they should have used it Like pirates I mean, come out Just like we're horny Like girls, I mean, with puberty Must be going through even crazier hormones I mean, she's probably just trying to show her boobs

off to everybody Well, and I think the funny part is, like, the level of pride I used to have. I used to be one of those guys that's like, I have a woman that respects me. Like, I used to have these weird things, but like, I remember this one girl was at a bar with her in college. And I was like, I was talking to her and she goes, she was like, she's like, yeah, I'm not, I'm usually only into older guys. But I'll make an exception for you. And I'm like, an exception for me? I'm nobody's exception, bitch.

And like, went off on her. I was like, why did I do that? Like, what, you know what? You have all these dumb things. You were an alpha. man. Yeah, you're an alpha. I went to Bonner one time. Hot girl was talking to her. And then another white guy with, not another

white guy with dreadlocks joins us. And she's like proposing a threesome and I'm like, no thank you, ma'am. I'm not shared with anybody. And now I'm like, that would have been a cool story. I mean, he would have smelled. For sure. White guys would have been. White guys with dreadlocks. Yeah. Agreed. But I'm like, that would have, dude, if you're 19

at Bonner, you're like, I double team the girl with some random guy with dread. That's hilarious. Like, that's what you want. I mean, dude, I fucking, I hate music festivals. I tried to get into Ultra. I thought I was into it. Like, just like the idea. Like, I remember being at lunch and everybody was trying to like in high school. Especially in Fort Lauderdale. Dude, he gets around Miami. Dude, everybody was trying to get ultra tickets like when they dropped and they would sell out on a dime. And I remember like getting to Ultra for the first time.

And I remember getting high as balls, getting so claustrophobic at, I'll never forget a DJ Fat Boy Slim. That's a legend. That's a legend. But at the time he was a like fading out of the scene. Yeah, yeah. Because he was playing the 7 o'clock slot. Oh, yeah, yeah. So, like, after him, it was like Carnage and then Nikki Romero.

Right. And Nick Romero was like the king back then. Remember being a fat boy slim, he's like the first one you see. I looked at my best friend, I go, they gotta get the fuck out of here. I'm claustrophobic. I'm gonna die.

I'm having a panic attack on this weed. And then we literally left and went to Chili's. And it was like the best Chili's I've ever had in my entire life. I hate music festivals. Hate them. Chilies is better than music.

Chilies was great. I haven't been a chillies in a while. They still have chilies. Do, like, an insane amount of drugs to like enjoy it. See, and I don't. I've never done cocaine. Yeah, but if you're drunk, did you get drunk? I, well, no.

Yeah, kind of, but yeah, kind of, but no. I mean, like, you get dehydrated there. Yeah, but you got to, you got to just keep drinking. But I was underage. It's hard to get it when you're in high school. At the time, alcohol, when you're in high school, it's like you either got this water bottle full of gray goose. Yeah.

Which you're drinking it. like, ugh, you know what I mean? Which is so funny because now I would kill for Grey Goose. And back then, people would be like, is my parents great, it was like, we, we went from drinking great alcohol to now I drink like garbage because I'm like, my parents had this shit, so that's what I would drink. Well, you work, you

start off with the good stuff. Yeah. And then, you know, you work the rest, like, once you hit that one, that one point where like you're not a kid anymore, you're working the rest of your life to get back to that. Oh, well, I'll still drink like, Sailor Jerry was like my brother's friend, but I love it.

Because my brother's friend What is that? It's like rum. My brother's friend brought it for me one time And I'm like, yo, like you have the memory And then one time I was like, yo, can I get sailor jailer area? And this dude brings us this thing called Admiral Nelson

And he's like, the names. I mean, it might as well be the same thing. You're like going through the ranks like, where is Admiral? Yeah, yeah. Apparles the janitor and you're like, I know how this is going to taste. I think some of my favorite areas are drinking. Like obviously like late high school was fun

because like in Florida you go to somebody's house or something like that. But the funniest would be, there's the occasion of three. It's like we got chicks and we got, you need chicks, alcohol and a place to go.

Right. That was what you wanted. Half the time in ninth or eighth grade, you'd have two of the three things. Never chicks. Right. So you'd either get alcohol and a house. Yes.

So it ends up being dudes just getting fucked up. Or you get chicks and alcohol, but you have nowhere to hook up with the chicks. Yeah. Or you have chicks and a house, but... That's pretty good.

That's good, but it sounds like I wanted to rape chicks. It's not what I'm saying. Jesus. Well, cut that. Cut that what I was thinking at all. Cut that place. Listen, I like to get ahead of the problem, okay?

I'm going to address it now. But it's like... Yeah, drinking is fun. Yeah, and it does, it leads to everybody to being more comfortable. So, like, you would... When people were drinking, like, people hooked up song called sober less in high school

because people have their insecurities. And there would be like, Because I feel like that would be a thing. It's like, look, you should never fuck somebody who's fucked up. But there would be, like, people that are like, oh, I want to bang this person, but I'm not comfortable enough with myself to go talk to this person unless I'm drunk.

Yeah, you want to drink a little bit. Yeah, you need some courage. Yeah, you made the decision beforehand that you wanted to fuck them. Yeah. We had different high school. What are we seven minutes in? And I'm saying I don't rape. That's your world record.

And then he's like, I don't know how I got fired from all these jobs. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. But we do different things. My favorite thing is we had this place called the Chill Hill. It was literally this... I like how every place in Florida

has like a cool nickname. You were talking about the dog lake. Oh, Dog Island? Dog Island. We had Wolf Lake. Oh, that's dope. We had Dog Island. Dude, our lake, it's Lake Maitland.

In the middle of the lake is this island where it's just... Bums getting fucked up and children. How would the bums get on this island? Swim there? Canoes. Canoes, bro. Canoes?

You can get water access very easily. So canoes are easy to come by in Florida. Yeah, absolutely. I wish I grew up in Florida. My canoe got stolen. Canoes are a dime of dozen. Yeah.

And they're also bullshit. You have a canoe, you're like, that's poor. Oh, I love canoe. Yeah. That's a homeless guy would have a canoe. That's a mid-flora thing. You know what I mean? Like, he's in the mid section.

Dude, South Florida, if you don't have a boat, you're gay. Yeah, yeah. I was gay. Yeah. Well, the thing is, I had a boat. But the responsibility of driving a boat, it's like, I can only get so fucked up. But on a canoe,

I'm like, I can get destroyed. Yeah. But Dog Island is like, it's his island in the middle of the lake. And what happens is you go up to the island and everybody gets fucked up. And it's kind of like, people used to have this like lie about it where they're like one side of its mainland, one side of its winter park. So if the cops catch you on one side, you run to the other. It's nonsense. But what we used to fucking do is like, you go there as like a kid and then just like some like middle-aged guy would give you beer and you get fucked up.

Last time I was on Dog Island, dude, I straight up. we were there for one of my friends, like, post-funeral parties, one of the multiple post-fuel parties. And there's this kid there and he goes, I go, how old are you? He goes, 16. I go, here's a beer. Have it.

You know what I mean? Have it. And then he backed his jet ski up into somebody's boat. And I was like, yeah, maybe I shouldn't have one beer. That guy rules. Yeah, yeah. Two things. One, I want to just tag on to the canoe thing.

The canoe thing is, yeah, it's so much better to get drunk on a canoe because you have no, like you said, no responsibility. he's like in a boat like I know so many people who have just like plowed bridges. Oh yeah. You don't want to. So a boat is like dangerous. So dangerous. Because like nobody wants to stay sober on the boat.

Yeah. Everybody's like, yeah, I'll have a few drinks and you watch them just like guzzle beers and you're like, ah. But with canoes, it's like you get stuck in the middle of wherever the fuck you are. You're never in the middle of the ocean with a canoe. You're like in like a lake. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're like a nice like calm area.

So you can like do whatever the fuck you want. And it doesn't matter. You get fucking plastered. But also, fuck that. What I wanted to say was the funerals, the post-party, like, post-futable parties are, like, the best. Oh, well, that's what I'm finally excited, though, because those are amazing. But I'm excited. I'm actually going to an engagement party, and I'm like, thank God.

This is the first time we've seen anybody. It's not been, like, a horrible. Let me tell you this, though. It won't even compare. Oh, that's a bummer. You want to know why? Because engagement parties, I have a theory. engagement parties are like anything like wedding parties

it's like there's still some kind of drama something's wrong uh yeah there's a dress thing something's wrong where the same dress as somebody else somebody showed up that wasn't supposed to somebody you know fuck like one of the chefs fucked up somebody's meal I think one of the shit the chefs fucked the bride yeah yeah no dude

it's a tail as old as time I tried I tried making this into a bit but it's too like morbid for people because like you and I get it because like we've had multiple friends die But, like, a lot of, you got to understand, like, multiple people in the audience, like, for the most part, I've never experienced a close friend death. Anything that's above a parent or, like, a grandparent, like, not a lot of people have experienced what losing multiple friends is like.

And, like, you know, to us, it's like, we, like, Mike and I talk about dead friends all the time. And I got to, I don't know if you do, but I got to check myself sometimes I'm talking to people because I'm like, I just fucking met you. And I'm already telling you about my dead fucking friends. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I'm not trying to freak you out. I'm just trying to tell you a funny fucking story. No, of course.

Yeah. You get it. But, dude. What's up? You get it, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we get it. And we relate to that.

And, like... Can you steal a little more this, man? Yeah, of course. And, uh, what's... Can you sit in that chair again? Huh? Can you sit in that chair? You see my laugh.

No, but I think it, dude, I had, like, this bit that it would never work for some reason. And I know it's because no one can relate to this, but it's like, dude, funeral parties are the best parties. Oh, yeah, yeah. That, they're unmatched. Unrivaled. Unmatched. No one gives a shit. Yeah.

Like it's literally just like it could be summed up in that one little story of just giving a kid who's 16 a beer. Because at that point, dude, you just lost somebody so close to you. You don't even give a rat's ass. No one cares. Everybody's like, let's get fucked up because this is what he would want or she would want. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Two of the ones I've been to three like friend funerals.

The one of them was weird because it was during COVID and that didn't. It was weird. But the two that. I went to, it's like both times I saw people doing cocaine off of guns. Yeah, dude. No one gives the shit. My buddies and I, after my last, after my last friend's, uh, actually is two, two now, Jesus Christ, two funerals ago, my best friend passed away and then we all went out

after the funeral. We were all fucked up. We were drinking four logos at his funeral. And then afterwards, we all went out to the bar. Dude, it got to the point. We're like, we all got so fucked up. we all took our pants off for him at the bar.

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. And the bar manager just comes up and he's like, put on your fucking pants. And we were like, dude, our best friend just died. He was like, do whatever you want. Oh, you don't care. Just keep your cocks in your underwear.

We were like, yeah, man, dude. Oh, you get away with anything. You get away with anything. We had one where my buddy was at the back porch this bar just pissing off. Yeah. My buddy is a giant. Like one of the biggest dudes I know.

The guy I was, Is that guy? Yes, yes. Damn, that's a big dude. Dude, a big dude. He's, he's peeing and his family, like this guy and his two daughters walk up. His daughters are like 24 or whatever. And he's just peeing.

And then the guy's like, what the fuck, dude? And he goes, what the fuck? I'm going to beat this shit out of you. And his pants are just around his ankles. And we have to, like, hold our friend back. And he goes, what? You think I'm going to lose the fight? We're like, no, we just don't want you to beat this shit out of a guy with your man.

And by way, there's an amazing picture of the picture's hilarious. Because you see the guy walking up like this. And you see, you see. my friend's pants around the ankles, and you could see me trying to explain the scenario. And we go, our friend just killed himself. And the guy goes, I am so sorry. You guys

do what you have to do. Go back to what you were doing. I don't care. I know you guys are grieving. Yeah, yeah, dude. I don't know, man. It's so funny. I remember when my first friend passed away, uh, like we went to his, is, is, so it's called the celebration of life.

Yeah. Which is like, it's, it's, it is the best party in the world because you can't take away from... Yeah, that's the shit is I hate when you go to one of those, though. I had the occasional thing where, like, somebody was like, did you hear that so-and-so? I'm like, who gives a fuck? Who gives a shit? Like, somebody's like, so-and-so's mom's hot?

I'm like, who cares? Who cares? We're here. Who cares? We all know this person's mom is attractive. Like, she's hot. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it is. We're celebrating, dude. I remember, like, we were... There's an open bar. It's like, literally like, a picture of fucking wedding except somebody died. Yeah, yeah. And that's what it is. And we, I remember, we were

not of age, and the open bar was open, and we would just go up to it. We were like, can we get some fucking loaded coronas? The lady was like, how old are you? We're like, come, man. And she was like, all right. Yeah. It didn't fucking matter, dude. Bro, we just raided that bar.

We played Trapp House 3 at one of my friends. It was like, it was like the, so he had, like, we buried him, and then we went to like a wedding type of event. It's a funeral venue where it was a memorial, and they were showing slideshows of him, and his family's crying. and Trapp House 3 got a gang with me and three young and was it play with me and the boys are just going so hard

Well my friend's family is just crying But they loved it though they appreciate that so much We played Sandstorm Oh that's a great one That's a garage classic Yeah Darud or whatever the fuck We did it in his truck It was outside the funeral home we'd go in

I remember going in Because his funeral was so fucking boring God damn hit the priest was such a fucking idiot We remember we left and we went to Chevron across the street We got four locos and like a bunch of Bud lights. Did you sneak in

the church? Huh? No, he did it at a funeral home. That is, by what, I will say the most magical

thing about going back home now is I don't live there. So you don't never experience because you live in New York. So I used to be like,

yo, I can't embarrass myself. And now I'm like, dude, I could make a fucking dumb ass out of myself in Orlando.

I'm like, what's gonna, also I didn't know this. Don't bring up the thing I told you earlier. I hate to keep saying this, but like,

you could have a warrant for you in a city and just leave that city. like a thing you could do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Warrants, like, I guess they're not, unless it's like murder. Yeah.

You could, like, you could just, like, destroy a fucking CBS and then leave. I don't even know what I'm not supposed to bring up. Yeah, okay, that's perfect. Well, you know, it's funny, speaking of, you're reminding me, I got a fucking turnstile ticket. I got a pay. Really? Otherwise, I got a warrant out from my arrest.

You hop to sir or so? Huh? You hopped the turn style? Dude, right in front of the cops, too. I'm such a moron. But they're also there, like, all the time now. Yeah, Jersey, it's different. Like, the path.

Like they were oh I hope I've never paid for the back They were undercover and like I should have I just have my head down And I just usually like move the fucking There's that one handicap turn style Where like you can just push it aside Yeah It just opens and that's what I did

And they literally look to me like oh Idiot You get over here real quick and they took down my information It's 35 bucks I just haven't paid yet Yeah it's funny it's cheaper than paying for like a monthly metro Yeah I hear the metro is like they fuck you It's like $70 It's like 120

Hopping a turnstile was like $100. I've gotten a ticket. Yeah, but paying for a monthly metro is $100.00. $130. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So actually $127. I used to do it. You were talking, sorry, very unrelated, but CVS.

You said you're going to the UFFSU game, right? I want to, but I don't think I'm going to make it home. So just to explain, so Florida and Florida State are rivals. One time, this was one of the weirdest, my 21st birthday, I took like a Viagra and my girlfriend like could not. have sex. For some reason, she was staying at somebody's house or something like that. So I was just all hard and drunk. Gonna have sex with someone.

And I go into the CVS to buy alcohol. And because we walked in together, they were like, oh, no, you can't, we need her ID too. And I was, I was drinking all day doing blow. And then what I did was, I went into that CVS bathroom. I, for some, I, I

spitefully busted a load in the CVS bathroom, in the toilet. The most absurd thing I've ever done, I was angrily. Did you get on your knees? I don't remember. I, how I did, but I remember looking at a porn for like, I was in there for 20 minutes. Because I was drunk, but I was hard and I'm just jerking off. And I'm like, fuck you.

Yeah, you're gonna ID my girlfriend too. I would ever fuck you. So what? She's 14. Yeah. The craziest part is that CVS's bathroom is not just like a restroom's this way. It's always like hidden in like the warehouse. Yeah, I didn't even know they had a bath.

Yeah, they don't have a public restroom. With my Viagra bone and I jerk off in the bathroom. we leave. I go and buy booze at a different place and I walked into CBS and I go there's like a line of people staying there and I just shouted and I go, by the way, I just bought alcohol

a different place and I jerked off in your bathroom earlier. Fuck you. I like to bite away. There's a lot of you. And it was the same guy working that wouldn't let me buy, which is totally reasonable. Like you can't.

Yeah, it's so reasonable. Well, not what I was doing. No, what I was doing was Gary on. You were doing it was reasonable. I don't care. I think that's great. Because they check your IDs.

But yeah, it's reasonable that they would do that shit. Hey, if you're with an underage girl right now trying to buy beer, do it across the street. They don't check her ID. Yeah.

Imagine when Mike walks back into that place, like a fucking emceeat, so he's like, if anybody jerked off and the CBS say, yeah. He's like, what?

And you're like, anyway, I just bought booze down the street. Fuck you guys. I've never seen a more We were like, I'm just here to get my prescription. Yeah. I'm here to do that blood pressure test where you put your arm in

and you press the green button and it tight ends up your arm. You guys have a schizophrenic episode just trying to get his pills and then I'm just screaming at him about my bone or he's like, oh damn it. Did you ever take the gas station rhino pills? Oh man, I love looking at those though. They're fun to look at. Seventy-hour effect? That's pretty crazy.

No, my buddy did in New Orleans. My buddy's had a competition there. Let's see who can get laid first off the rhino pills. I don't think the pills help you get late No, they don't, that's the funny thing We were in a... Speak closer to the mic. We were a little, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like this? God, damn. No, we were in New Orleans for just like a random weekend and my buddies took the rhino pills and they, we didn't know what the fuck was going to happen because nobody's ever taken him before and then we were out at a bar and then literally I grazed my buddy's arm like this.

And he just, and he goes, Dude. And I was like, what? And he goes, I'm rock hard, right? And I was like, dude, fuck, I'm sorry. And he goes, I can't stop it now. You just activated the pill. I didn't know it was my touch.

I thought it just makes you hard. Well, that's the point part is like, Josh, they had that gay Viagra Boner challenge. Yes, remember that? Dude, I'm not gay. I'll say that on paper. What was that? Oh, yeah, they made people watch gay porn.

Dude, if you see a dip going into an ass for long enough, I think there's a part of you that would start picturing like a woman's, like, there's enough. enough times that you watch a dick on camera that's Pavlovian. You're thinking of porn you've watched before and you probably would get hard. I don't know, but you can't look at a dude's asshole without seeing balls between.

That's a good point. I don't know. Yeah, I have, by the way, I have accidentally like, because I used to Google image my porn so you get a full grid of every porn site. It's a great way to do it, but you're not specific enough gay porn walks up. And I have seen enough gay porn to be like, not for me. And genuinely been like, this is disgust.

I'm not like I'm going to start like a protest against it, but I'm like, I get it. You're gonna protest against gay porn. He's just gonna white picket events outside of key bar downstairs. I'm like, it's gross. I looked up, Burnett gets fucked, happens to be dudes, and now I have to look at that. I have to deal with.

Dude, I had this friend growing up in like middle school to like high school. It was like, he was like part of like our big friend group. And one day when we got to college, we were like James, oh, fuck he said his name. Yeah, whatever. He's not going to fucking, he's not going to fucking listen to this. Fucking James. You know, James

We were like, James You go to college And he was like, No, actually, you know, it's funny I got an email the other day For some agent I'm going out to Vegas I'm going to shoot porn now

And we were like, oh, that's fucking dope Dude, like fucking good for you Like we don't discriminate Fucking porn's dope, whatever We don't hear for this kid Like from this kid for like six months You know, we're all in college now at FSU We're like hanging out

Like I remember asking my buddy Sam I'll say his name because he doesn't get fucked And I go Sam What happened to James And he goes, oh he overdosed he goes dude and then he looks at our buddy

I'm not gonna say his name he just looks at everybody he goes dude pull up James and I go dude is he doing porn now let's watch his porn he goes oh he's doing porn pulls it up on the TV

like Apple TV whatever guys doing like gay porn no way and we watched it to completion that's my boy that's my boy we're like hell yes

he's top No, dude, he was in a threesome with a guy and a girl. Okay. But it, and we were like, that's pretty fucking, right? Yeah, that's cool. Whatever. And then the guy, and then the guy started sucking him off. And then he would just give it to the guy.

Like, he was on top. He was a favorite twist on any fucking, you ever see watch? Because I like watching a girl get double-teamed. It's fun for me. It's fun, yeah. But then occasionally the dude starts blowing the other dude. I'm like, stop trying. No.

No. No. Even when their balls touch in a DP? I'm still like. That's gay. Hold up. Put a paper and bring you to that. Yeah.

Yeah. Keep the Holy Spirit between you fellas. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'll watch weird porn. I watch this like Mormon cuck porn where like the, the pastor's like banging the dude's wife in front of him. The dude's like,

oh, I have to watch this. I don't know why. It's kind of hot. I don't know. Are they dressed like pastors? You get really into it. You got like key words like Mormon cuck porn. They're like subgenres.

They're like deep porn. I'm on porn up every day. I'd never see Mormon. I've never seen Mormon. I've never seen that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm into the auditions. I love auditions.

You are, but then you feel weird because you're like, I don't know, because the thing is there's a whole site called Girls Do Porn, and they were like apparently- Oh, they were sexual harassers. They were doing horrible shit. No, no, but the one I watch is Net Video Girls. Oh, there you go. And those use, like, regular amateur porn stars that are just like,

they've been in the game for a minute. Yeah, they give you the illusion that they're coming in for, like, an audition. They need to fix the titles, because there's one that's called, like, exploited teens. Can we just say these teenagers love doing porn, and they wrote five essays. It's okay. Exploited teens,

no matter how fun the video looks, you still see the logo. It's his exploited teens. You just got to add on, just add on to the title, exploited teens chasing their dreams. There we go. Then I'm like,

I'll be watched some fucking passionate people. Yeah, yeah. It's like, Goodfellets where she's like, all my life, I wanted to be a porn star. Like I wanted to be a gangster. Yeah.

Yeah. Something like that. Dude, I don't know. Porn. That's right here, though, about like going back to, Like when I was talking about with my buddy, that story, like, I hear as a guy, you can't just get into porn to start banging girls. I hear you got to start with gay porn.

I don't think it's like that. I've heard that too. I hear that, though. Because if you last that long with a woman, it's like. I hear you can't. Unless you really know somebody in the industry. Because guys are not. It's just like comedy.

You build an online fall. Yes. Genuinely. I genuinely. It's just like comedy. You got a fuck a guy. You ever see these fucking random things where you're like, oh, this is cool. I like watch this porn video and you click on it.

It's like the video's page. just called Johnny fucks bitches and then you're like oh these are all videos this one dude fucking chicks and then he gets a big following from that so like there is a thing where it's like you can I think you can build your own following

in a sense and make it in that way yeah maybe you get like an agent or something they just push you right there's interesting one was you were talking about dirt nasty before what's dirt you know he he started that way so he did porn what he did was he did it Simon Rex oh I know him yeah Simon Rex yeah

Yeah, yeah. His rap name, Dernaston. Yeah, so he did this thing called Young Hardin Solo. I know the name because I'm a huge Durnasty fan. It was just him jerking off, it was aimed towards gay people. Okay. Not like he was aiming at my gay people with his dick, but it was like that it was directed towards them. But then, yeah, so it's like that. But also, you were telling me, I want to swing this back to Arden.

Arden grabbed sushi with Andy Milanakis. What? You know, Andy Milanox? You know Andy Milanox? Of course. When did you grab sushi? I had lunch with him. Maybe, like, I was in college, so I had to be like maybe six years ago, five. six years ago. Yeah.

Tell us. This story's wild. He was on Twitch. You know what Twitch is? Twitch, like the... It's like where people live stream games. Yeah. Video games. And then it became like people would just live stream anything. Yeah. People were just live streamed them walking on the streets doing crazy shit. Yeah.

And one time I loved... I used to stream on Twitch. I would like play games and like talk shit. And one time he was streaming in New York City. So I was like, oh, let me go... I'm to piss and still let me go see him. And then I found Talk louder. Yeah. Am I talking low? Oh, for you.

Yeah, I saw he was in New York City, so I was like, oh, let me go see him. And then I said, what's up to him? I found him. And then he was just like, oh, you want to hang out and grab sushi? And then we just hung out in Chinatown a whole night. Where'd you guys get? He paid for everything? I'm pretty sure he did. It was so long ago, but I pretty sure he paid for everything. How long ago? I couldn't have been that long.

Twitch hasn't been around for too long. I think Twitch has been around for, like, maybe 10 years. Really? But it's like, was nothing. And then it blew up. I think Ninja. made that. That too, yeah.

And just like so many people blew up from it. I think Twitch blew up during like the pandemic. Yeah. Watching streamers. And when it became just not video game playing, where people could just stream whatever they were doing. Well, I remember it started with like Fortnite people. Like I wasn't a big Fortnite guy.

One of my best friends I lived with in L.A. Oh, Mike, you grab me a Bud Light. Yeah. Thank you. One of my best friends I was living with in L.A. He was a big Fortnite guy. He would watch, he would watch a bunch of streamers. You know, just like we watch comedians.

Like, he was like... Some of them are funniest. Yeah, and that's why he would watch him. Like, I was like, oh, you watch Ninja? He goes, no, dude, ninja's like... Ninja was like the Drake of, like, Twitch streamers. Yeah. It's always funny when you think you're into something.

Yeah. Somebody's like, oh, really Slayer? You like, metal, fuck you. The Twitch streamers who were good at the games was whack. It was like, you wanted to find the people who were funny. And there were some really funny. Nick Merck's, I remember was, like, one guy that my buddy loved, and he was, like, super funny and, like, actually good at the game.

But, but anyway, Annie Milonakis. Oh yeah, I was telling him So we got sushi And I was like, I went through my I posted on my story at the time Like I'm grabbing sushi with Andy Molyakis No And I remember my friends

I wanna see this from my point of you Because he shows me other videos Of him just in some Chinese store We were just hanging out in China They're just in Chinatown So it's like him looking at like There's like Chinese masks And like all these like weird decorative

It's just Annie Milanox I'm like Art is just spending a day with Andy It's the funniest thing How old were you? Uh fucking like 20 Bro, just hang out, and he was like 57? Yeah, yeah, he looks so old.

He's 70 years old. It's so funny, just be spending a one-on-one with a C-list. He was with nobody else. Yeah, yeah. A one-on-one with like a C-list celebrity. Okay, well, hold on, pause. C-list for like society, but for people... For me, it's...

I love... His show was the shit, dude. When life gives you lemons, you make beef stew, it's much... Yeah, he's a man. So, I was posting my story that, like, I'm hanging out with him. I'm like... And I remember one of them, my friends replied, be like, are you on a date with a lesbian?

being right now. They're like Arden, you can't fuck it. Shit. I can just see you guys in like a Chinatown like tourist shop and he's like, Arden, want to come over here and look at this t-shirt? Because I went through my...

Arndon's his Rourne New York t-shirt look on me. My Snapchat memory. Dude, my favorite is like, he bought a full meal for Arden. Oh yeah, he got some good shit. Dude, he bought him like a full three-course meal. The kid fucking lives, dude.

I mean, he's not a kid. He's a grown ass person. Yeah, but he's like, he's a full meal. looking. What is that guy up to nowadays? He's just podcast. He was like three loco, which was the hospital of disease. I love four logos. Yeah, it's a good damn deal. Let me find this shit. Keep talking. Wait, have you, have you connected with him since? No. Or it was just one of those things. It was just like I was, look at us. We're having like like a dumplings. You should put this on the pod. Oh, for sure. Yeah, dude. He's just, he's just hanging out of Andy Milanochis. It's just you and

Andy fucking Millenon. Just hanging out. This place was amazing by the way. I went there once again. it was fucking awesome. I got to find out the name of the place. I made Dernasty one. It's fucking great. You met Dernasty? I was disappointed. He's probably the most famous,

especially because of the movie. Yeah. Well, no, Riffraps more famous than Dirt Nasty out of the three Loco crew. Dernasty is like his, maybe like more high class famous

because he's been in like, people were like he should get an award for this movie. Yeah, I mean, he nailed one movie. And you could tell he was kind of like, because I saw him, because he's always hanging out with, what's his name?

Who's that comic that looks like a kid, Johnny Pepper something. Johnny Pepperton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's friends to him, so they were like around the cellar or something like that. And I saw him a couple times, and then he was just by himself one time, because I don't like bothering comedy. I put the mic down anywhere.

And I was like, oh my God, Dirt Nasty. I love her music. He goes, sweet. And I was like, oh, but I feel like he now wants to be known for his films. But I'm like, you had a whole career as Dirt Nasty. By the way, Dirt Nasty was doing Little Dickey way before Little Dickey. He was the Jewish guy who rapped about having a small dick. This was way before Little Dickie.

When did, wait, what was the little Dickie's first song? Was it saved that money? I think it was, or it wasn't his first song, but it was like the song that like blew him up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fetty Wobb was like, eh, yeah. Yeah. That's a fun music video, though. I respect it, too.

Dude, that was the best music video. I think that's what he invested all of his money in to kind of like blow up and he kind of like took a chance on himself. That's always the move. Showing up to like random people's houses to like shoot. He was like, we're shooting a music video. You think you can let us into your house and like until they struck one house. It was like some

old lady who was like, hell yeah, I don't give a shit. I think that's what it was. It was a long time ago. I was so pissed. There was a rap music video. The pool at a stadium center. Me and my buddy lived there. And there was a rap music video and they were like, you guys want to be in the music video. And then

one of my friends was like, that's lame, let's not do it. And the rest of my friends are in it and it's awesome. It's like some like dope. It's like trap is my religion, is the name of the song. So it's my friends just just fucking playing some hood-ass dope music

and the dude took all the tables and he set them in the pool so it looks like he's walking on water while he's rapping and then all my friends are in the background I'm like I'm so mad I was a fucking why were you so such a derp that was like I was just like I was like because it felt weirdly

like I don't know what it was I was just like I don't want to be in the music video I was like normally I would but I was like it was one of those words like so like I don't know what, so like my friends that were the music videos and one of my black friends and then one of my friends who's like a really goofy

white guy. So I was like, oh man, I don't want to be like the goofy white guy. I would be cool. And I was like, that would, now I'm like, I would fully embrace being the goofy white guy in a rap music video. It's not about that. I think like back then you might have had like an ego to where like because like we all get in that aspect like that that like mentality where like somebody like

offers us like an opportunity to do something and like we think like we're above it because we're like I don't want to like a fucking idiot to do your stupid fucking thing. It was also like, it was like, it was a weird mix because it was like, yeah. Two of my black friends. Right.

And two of my white friends. Yeah. And one of my white friends was in the rap music video. And then one of the black friends, but I was like, I was, I was still trying to be like, you know, I don't want to do it. It felt weird to like be like, be like, like, yeah. Like putting on like a, you know what I mean? Because obviously in the music video, I'm going fucking like, hang out.

You would have been the star. Yeah. Like, do you want to just rap the whole song? Dude, I'm going, I'm going to the White House on Wednesday. What? Yeah. My buddy's in, well, my buddy's in Secret Service. And he's inviting me to the West Wing on Wednesday.

So I'm going to go. And I was talking to Dan Carney today. And I was like, I want to shoot like some kind of content in there. Oh, you have to. Yeah. But like without it being like too obvious. I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to have my buddy just take my phone. Because I'm really into like filming videos of like anybody doing anything,

but then putting in slow motion because I think slow motion makes anything. montage is just makes anything look more interesting. And what I'm going to do is just get a video of just me running through the White House just like fucking slow-mo and then slap a song on it and just post it.

Yeah, yeah. Why not James Bond? Yeah, no, not James Bond, but maybe like something, you know, like some rap video, like some rap music, you know, whatever, I don't fucking know. What if you saw something like really interesting there?

Like some of you're not supposed to see? I walk in a bite and just banging his fucking life. Yeah. Like on Biden. Just going to know, D.P. I'm like, go away. You fucking like that, bitch.

You fucking like that. You're fucking dirty slut. He's getting ahead from Kamala. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's what she does. God. She would for sure be like a mean and sex, but in like a hot way,

she'd be like, fine, I'm gonna blow you. But you better eat this pussy. Yeah, of course. She's dominant, too. She's dominant. And he's like, of course, I'll eat the push. I'll eat your pussy. I'm acting like, I know,

had to do with Joe Biden. Oh, he's your pussy. Yeah. Have you not one of the Tesla, there's one with him in a Tesla dealership where he's like, in the future,

everybody's gonna be driving these cars. He's like not even looking at the, he's like just staring off the distance and you see him drive for like two feet and then it like cuts out. And you're like, this is a real commercial?

It's like a real like video at like a Tesla dealership. You're like, there's no way they let him drive a fucking fire. Have you seen the Joe Biden video where he's like a guy is giving everyone a handshake

and he gets a handshake? and then he waits a second and reaches out to get another one. And then he gets like he forgot that he already got a handshake. And then he gets upset like, oh, he left me hanging. Yeah. He forgot the part where you just got a handshake. It's so funny. Like, you know, I've been telling, I've been telling my friends back home.

Like, my buddy's taking us to the White House, whatever. And then like, you know, I have like, you know, you know what it's like. I don't know what the White House is like. You know what it's like having friends on both sides in Florida. Oh, for sure. Like, I have blue friends. I got red friends. But I was texting one of my red friends the other day.

And I was like, yeah, I'm going to the White House. He's like, kill him. Dude, he got so, like, instead of just saying something like, dude, that's dope, like, fuck yeah. Like, that's cool. Whatever, he was just like, yo, when you go over there, ask them what they do with Biden when he's, like, when he's not doing the press conferences. Like, where do they, you store him and shit? Yeah. Dude, stop making it a fucking weird.

You know it's a pod. Yeah. You know the answer. They have energy pod. He's like, dude, what are the crow? He's like, who do they have step in for Biden to do the speeches? Because I know it's not him. And I'm like, dude, you're out of your goddamn mind.

You know? To be fair, I do think that's crazy to think that he's not doing the speeches. But I do think he has an earpiece. You think he's actually not doing the speeches? No, I think he is. Oh, right. Of course. Just the guy's saying.

You never seen the Sipharogen movie, The Long Shot? No, no, I understand one there. Oh, dude. Yeah, all these people have fucking ghost writers that are, like, in their ear telling them what they said. They got speech writers for sure. Yeah, they have speech. Yeah, of course. You think these people just sit,

eating Biden sit in the computer going, what do I say? No, of course. Yeah, yeah. I'm not, I'm definitely not, like, like, look, I am conspiratorial in the sense that I do think that, like, I do think he's senile.

Like, I think 100% he's senile. But I don't think that he's replaced by somebody else. No, no, no, I think that's a little. You want to hear a conspiracy that I heard from a coworker? Yeah. Oh, I know.

Yo, me, by the way, can I say it real quick? Yeah, yeah. Me and Arden used to work the same job. So I were, worked it. Did you get fired for your pod? No, no, no, I quit. The one job, he didn't get fired.

Yeah, the hours change. He left on his own terms. He's like, I'm going to do better than what you guys ever thought. He just keeps getting fired for this fucking pot. This guy is my favorite guy. Can I say, can I talk to splash real quick? Yes. Flash off, dude.

This guy, dude, he's this like yoked, very cool black guy. But what he, he says the word splash in every sentence. and nobody knows what splash means. It means everything. He'll use splash is a verb, a noun, an adjective. He'd be like, you want me to splash on that?

And I'm like, what does that mean? Nobody knows what it means. He's like, did you get the splashes in today? But you get it after a while. You get it after a while. Like one time,

he told me to watch, he told me to watch a movie because we found out we both like horror movies. Oh, you should watch this movie. And then the next day, he'll come up to me and be like, yo, did you splash last night? And I know what I mean

Did you watch that movie? Yeah. Well, you know, Tom Hanks' First movie was called Splash. Oh, really? Maybe that's related. It's a, it's a movie about a,

it's like the Little Mermaid, but it's like not a cartoon and it's about like a, it's like a love story between Tom Hanks and some fucking lady. And I was directed by Ron Howard and Brian Grazer.

Oh. Splash, dude. He went on to do a rest of development if you don't know. Oh, yeah. So he said, It's like 1983, I think. That's the only cinematic history I know.

That's the only thing I... Tom Hanks' first movie. But we were joking about it before he's like, how's your day going? He's like, my grandma splashed. He'll be like... You're like, at least she's getting in the pool. That's good for that.

I've never heard him say a single sentence that does not say splash. No, no. I want to... He'll also be like, if you be like, how are you, he'll be like, oh, I'm a little sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he'll be like, oh...

And you're waiting for you, like, how's he going to fit it in a now? Yeah. He'll just say. And then... And so... I'm thinking about splashing myself off of a roof. I'm gonna splash, dude.

Yeah. So we were talking about, like, I was saying, are you gonna go to, like, watch Black Panther this weekend? Because we were talking about that movie. By the way, he's a black Republican. He's like,

you mean Splash Panther. I'm assuming Republican, yeah. Yeah, or he's like, he's maybe like an Alex Jones where it's like... Yeah. He doesn't trust anything. Right.

Which I respect that more than I. I don't trust anybody. Absolutely. He thinks there's conspiracies going on in the office. Yeah. So he was like, no, I'm probably not going to go. I haven't even seen Black Adam.

I wanted to watch that. But I know in movie theaters, they like spread diseases. So he's like in movie theaters, they'll like, they'll test diseases out. They'll give you diseases and movies. Because that's where a lot of people. You know what? So I don't go to movie theaters. But also I'm like, beauty theaters is pretty fucking gross.

But then you think the people who work at movie theaters, you're going to trust those people, those idiots to like spread disease. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they're spraying just like They give them Purell but it's really like H-I-Vee or something like that He's a big conspiracy It's.

Oh he's deep yeah yeah He's big into Kanye and Kyrie He's all about it You're like walking a movie there You see like a mentally disabled person Of course Imagine that guy spreading the disease Yeah

All right Just squeezing COVID And look for you Yeah And they're like Hey how's go Mocan AMC That would really be...

Everybody talks about mind control. Really, the mind control would be if they just spread mental disability to the point where you can control a population. But it's gone down. So it's like, if anybody was really out to, like, do that, like, that would have... Everybody's like, oh, vaccines cause autism

and they're trying to push it. It's like, that would just make you smart... Like, that's a different kind of mental disability. So, like, autism, it's like... Autism is a superpower now. Yeah, yeah, you're going to be a savant. It's totally different. You're going to develop something.

But it's like, if you really want to control... the population, you'd find out what made Down syndrome and you'd make the whole world Down syndrome. And you'd have your... You imagine? Everybody dies by 36. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I've heard they die young. They die young. It's sad, yeah.

That is really... What was that family guy? He goes, well, you don't see an old one of them. Yeah. It's like, well, I mean, I don't want to name names. I used to... I grew up with a kid who had a sister with Down syndrome and then... That's like always one of the... It's always... anytime you have somebody in your life who has somebody with Down syndrome and they...

their life, they, you always start the conversation with, they're so nice, they're so sweet. Yeah. And then it's always followed with, it's too bad they're going to die by like 30 years old. Yeah, I didn't know that. Yeah. It's like always the first two things you hear about when you meet somebody with Down syndrome. It's always so nice, very sweet. I always say they're strong.

Their lifespan. Yeah. Oh, it's super strong. Yeah. There's a reason why they say retard strength. Yeah, because they're strong. They're very strong. Well, because they don't hold back.

They're so determined. Yeah. I don't know if it's determination. I think it's like, like, naturally your body. It's grit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like your body. Your body does get stronger.

You don't know how to hold back. Yeah. You go 100%. Yeah, they really do go 100%. And whatever the fuck it is. No matter what. If you're like, you got to cheer for that person. They go, I got you.

I got you. I will say this, though. Look, amazing qualities. Funny, smart. Not smart. Funny? Funny, funny. Strong.

Kind. But I was having a podcast two weeks ago. And Jake Timothy and Ryan tool we're like, you know that you're actually if you have a down syndrome, it actually doesn't mean you're not smart. I'm like, by definition, that is what it means. I don't know. No, no, by, it's an intellectual.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, but, you know what's going on, no? No. No, well, they don't, but my problem is, why is that a bad thing? Everybody gets so caught up and like, oh, you said somebody with down syndrome, but not smart, it's like, no, that's part of the disease. It's like, if a blind guy can't see, it's crazy for anybody to be like, well, actually, you can see.

It's like, no, that's just not their strength. they have other strengths. So it's like, it is kind of silly that people are like, well, say they're smart too. It's like, no, they're not smart, but that's not like, there's nothing wrong with that.

It's like, everybody has their strengths and weaknesses. So like for somebody to be like, oh, this guy with that, it's like, by definition, no. Well, what we, I like how I turn to the bench up here, I'm like, by definition, no, if you have Down syndrome,

you're not as smart as me. Listen to that. If you have, listen to Mike, if you have it, you're not smart. Yeah, you're not fucking smart, dude.

I will die on this. By way, I'm not. audience of down to people just go to the hell they'll start hanging this apartment

you lose all your viewers there's an army of them out there just like get away from us you do if I'll use yeah no no I can't afford

to lose my Lego sponsorship so we yeah anyways we're saying Lego I forgot what

I was gonna say I'm drunk yeah yeah I was gonna say what we define as smart like math

and like science maybe they're not great at that but doesn't mean they're not A idiot. Doesn't mean they're idiots. No, by definition.

Look, we could cut whatever part of this out. By definition, it's called an intellectual disability. Learning disability. No, no, it's not. It's intellectual disability. So learning disability is totally different. ADD is different than Down syndrome. Intellectual disability means your brain literally is not functioning at the same capacity.

There's a level that everybody's brain functions, and your brain is functioning below that. So, like, when you get Alzheimer's, right, your brain starts to deteriorate. When you have mental disabilities, your brain does not have the same function level as other people. How do you think you guys are going to die? I think I'll die pretty naturally. You think so? Yeah. I always think drug overdose.

Oh, I am worried about diseases, though. I think, I think it's going to be like, for me, it's going to be like, you're worried about getting down syndrome. Yeah. He's like, yeah, how many... Loki has not been going to movie theaters for like four years. Yeah. I think I'll get hit with cancer out of nowhere.

That's exactly what I was like. Because I had it already. Yeah, you've, you've, you've, You've had it. So, I think it's going to come back for rounds. That's right. I had it, and I think that motherfucker is going to come back. You really have one ball?

Yeah, one ball. And you got one? I technically have two balls. You got a rubber one in there? I have two balls. You have a rubber one in there? Yeah. So that's two balls.

Have you ever like, do you ever like touch it and like not feel it? I touch it all time. And you can't feel it. I don't know. How much do you feel your own ball? Oh, all the time. And if I squeeze him on accident, like, oh, they hurt. I was telling this to Matt Bowman.

The last time I had sex, I had insane pain. from the fake one, it was like, because you know when your balls like go up, like they scrunch up, I was getting an insane abdomen pain from it. And I was like, damn, like, I hope that doesn't become a normal thing. That's so insane that even when your testicle isn't there,

it's still causing you pain. I do kind of, like, thinking about it, there's no way to know what living with one ball feels like. I do kind of think it's dumb that I got the prosthetic. Why? Yeah, why? You can live with one, right? If you were told, like,

you're going to get one ball. it's going to go out. Do you want a fake one? You'd say yes. Because you want to just fill it in. But adding breast implant. Yeah. Exactly. You got a giant. I got a boob in my fucking pants, dude. You're like, how about you

look me up with a huge... But there is a little bit of me now living like two years now it's been since that happened. Where I'm like, fucking, why did I take the fake? Just have one hanging nut. It would have looked cool. I think it... I don't know. With the ladies, that's a whole explanation. No, they don't even look.

When do they ever look? You can tell, though. Like, girls know... Because it's like this. They make a face. Oh, really? They'll be like, this is feeling weird. Wait, really? Do you have...

It's funny how it feels so hard. You should get that checked out and be like... They say that to you? I already did. No, they haven't said that. But it's like you could tell that... What materials are made out of? I have no idea.

But it's pretty... It's pretty hard. This is how stupid I am. If I had a fake ball, I feel like I would try to like bounce it on a table. I don't know why. I'm like, I picture... I literally pictured them getting like a coin

and going to like a vending machine and just putting a bouncy ball in which is obviously not how they do it but in my mind I'm like yeah of course they take like a... It's also not the shape of a bouncy ball and put it in your balls. It's not the shape of a ball at all.

It's like you're not... It's an egg and the ball they give you is like a marble. It's like a perfect circle. So it's like dense. It's a marble. Yeah. Where like my other nut is...

You know what I picture? I picture you've ever seen the longest yard where they shoot like they think through like a gas thing and then all those rubber balls go everywhere. I picture those rubber balls. Yeah. That's probably, that's exactly how it feels. But you said it's, it's, it's, it's metal.

Is it metal? I never said it's not metal. If it was metal, he wouldn't be able to sit down. He'd be like, he'd be walking with a limb. It'd be so heavy. Be so heavy. I don't know. I think it's just like silicone or something maybe.

He's got fake boobs. I got boobie balls. Yeah. I got booby balls. And they don't, they don't hit the real one. But that's the thing. Do you feel it? first month after the surgery,

Graham fucking threw a football right at my dick. And I'm like, my other nuts right there, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now you already lost one. Yeah. Graham did that to be funny? Graham threw a football right at my dick. And it's like, dude, my other nuts right there. I don't get a piss, but that's actually there.

Yeah, yeah, I could. What? I could have kids, yeah. And all you need is one nut, dude. Will they come out as robots? They'll come out as, they'll come out as half a kid. Yeah.

That's the one thing that I was curious about. Like if it messes... But yeah, apparently, you just need one working. Yeah, that makes... I don't understand the point of two balls. I have zero clue to... It's because you're gonna fuck one up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, you're a man. You're gonna get one of these things is gonna get fucked up. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Damn. It's weird. I found out while I was jerking off.

Did you have cancer? No, I, like, felt it. And I was like, that feels weird. And then I finished jerking off while... in my head being like, you might have fucking cancer, dude. Oh, really? But I was still like, I'm still going to jerk off.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to stop jerking off. Wait, so what, what, yeah, walk me through this. So you're jerking off and... I touch my nuts and I'm like, what the fuck is that? It feels like my nut had like a helmet on it. There was like some extra like... I don't even know.

Like something was growing on my nut. Okay, it's true. And I was like, oh, that feels really weird. This is concerning. So the top of your balls, you have the epidemic. venomous, right? I have no idea. So there's the thing, because my balls, I thought I had ball cancer for years, and I was like

just saying goodbye to my mom slowly. Because there is a bump on the top of my testicles, but also your testicles are held up by... For me, it was half of my nut, like, swelled. Oh, okay, I wouldn't know. Okay, sweet. It's like, you know, like, the thing that squirrels like, well,

what are those... P-cone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know a fucking word. But it felt like that, and it got super hard. My bad. And then, yeah, I was like, I got to go to a doctor. And they said, yeah, this is that. It's cancer.

Damn. How scared were you? I wasn't scared because I knew people with testicular cancer didn't die. You don't hear about them die. Because Lance Armstrong, yeah. Yeah, they live. But the one thing I was fucking scared was they test to see if it spread. So they did like a, what of MRI?

And I'm like, oh, shit, dude. Like, if it's spread, that's bad. And they said it didn't. So they just took it out, put the fake one in. They said, like, you still have kids. It's all good. But now I... Do they give you any option to keep the ball? Oh, yeah. I'm like, I don't want... I want cancer.

No, no, no. Oh, to take it like in a jar? Yeah. They don't. They don't. You know what the thing is? After the... They use studies on that. Yeah, I think so. I think so. I don't throw my balls with people. No, they keep it for, like, medical students.

I think that's true. They keep it. Med school students... After the surgery... She's putting in his mouth. There's something... after the surgery you take it as like a the doctor like

took a picture of it and showed me the picture of the nut like on a fucking napkin this is your nut and it was fucking like black it was like this giant black circle

with like blood all around it and it was like and then he kept talking and the phone with the picture of my nut was still on the table and I'm like can you fucking take it? He's talking to me about like my future

and like all right you're going to have to come through that. And his phone is still with my nut. It might have not been my nut. It might have been someone else. He just has pictures of different medical tricks. He just has the same one picture. Anthony? Oh, no, Arden. Okay, I knew

it was the A's. I just didn't know which one it was. And then, but I am still scared that it's going to come back. Because they said after it's like a 20 to 30% chance it comes back and I'm like, I'm fucking, it's gonna, I'm gonna die from cancer. The cool part about cancer though is cancer is never you're gonna die next week. It's you're gonna

die in three months. So you have a little bit of time to like two weeks that's really reassuring thanks Mike Dave you got cancer and you listen to this podcast remember you got three months so I don't know I think there has be something fulfilling I've just seen enough movies that I'm like cancer's not that bad

there's in every movie because the people who write the movies right in the script they go Mike has cancer cancer is not that bad though yeah interior restaurant day there's one feeling that's very like it's not depressing but it's

kind of fucked up. But when you find out, because every time I go to get tested, you go, you have to go every six months to get tested if it came back. You still go? And yeah, I still go. But there is a certain feeling. I just picture the same doctor touching your balls. He's like, no, no, dude. I'll see you in six months. I'm right. You make sure the guy's like a joke story. Arda walks in. He goes, oh, I'm just kidding. Yeah. Just might be back. Just kidding. But there. There is a certain feeling where It's like, just tell me I have it so I can know. Yeah.

Because not knowing is so stressful where they tell you like, hey, it came back. It's like, oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. Finally. At least I know I'm going to die rather than not knowing. I'm going to put good vibes into your life. I don't think it'll come back. I appreciate it, dude.

Thanks for the good vibes. I hope you get cancer in your balls and die. I appreciate it. Well, that's what somebody from Orlando would say. I got to have a kid quick, dude, before it comes back in the other. Bro, bust a nut. I want a kid. I got an ice tray in the freezer.

We'll save him, brother. I have. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I've been to a sperm bank. Wait a minute. I have sperm frozen right now. Wait a minute. Did you... What, they made you do that? They said, hey, if the surgery, if someone fucks up and accidentally cuts the good one. You should jerk off. You should jerk off in a cup. And I did that. And I pay yearly for them to keep freezing it. How much is it? It's a lot. It's like $12,000. It's not thousands. It's hundreds, though. It's like, it's not bad when you consider it's yearly.

It's like a Soho house about. But I do, I do pay to keep up my cum frozen. That's sick. You'd be so funny. I picture just Walt Disney and then just cups of cum all around. Like it's the same facility.

Wait a minute, dude. You pay hundreds of dollars. Hundreds of dollars every year for my... But I could still have kids, but just in case. It's like a just in case. That is like... So to the second I have my first kid. So what happened?

Do you put it in like a... It's not in my fridge. And then you put it in his... I love the idea of his cum on like a little popsicle stick. And it's just like, I just love like, the fact that like there's this Pete, there's like this little jar of cum somewhere. This is art and X.

This is art and X. It says like the date and it's just going to keep staying there. Yeah. It's just going to keep staying there for years and years and years. You want to find it in. When would you, when would you tell them, Hey,

we don't need it anymore when you have kids? If I have a kid. And I'll be like, hey, you can, I think, I think because of how long you've put that come through, you should make it have a kid. So there's, there's the thing that's interesting.

is when I sign, they make you sign a bunch of paperwork. And one of the things is like, so after you just, you, if you stop paying, what can we do with your cum? Yes. So do you, and then there's a checkmark. Do you want us to destroy it? Which I don't know how they destroy it. They probably do it. But they literally, I just remember the word destroy.

We're going to destroy your cum. Put your cula in it. Your cubs is destroyed. And then the other one. I think you're like, Anita Jones. They put it in the back of the warehouse. Like, you know, that giant scene. Oh, yeah.

put it in a box. Yeah. So it's run it over with the truck. Yeah. It's either destroy it or donate it. And I put destroy and I was like, fucking why did you do that? So,

like, just donate. Can you change that? I probably could. You know what? They just go to a rifle range. They put a gun at it. We'll make sure these kids never fucking seen.

Some guy to cowboy act goes, our next, your time is good. No punitive. But, Dude, fucking, do you remember... Splash, dude. Splash, dude. Do you remember what porn you jerked off to when you had...

I remember exactly. You have to. That's a special... Because I know what I was watching. My laptop was on my lap, so I'm like, all right, that's what gave me it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. They let you go home and do it? What do you mean?

Oh, it's a jerk off? Yeah. No, he's out... He found out by jerking on it. I remember... I felt my nut while jerking off to porn. Wait, oh, that you were talking about that. talking about like when you came into the other cup.

Yeah. They give you like DVDs. Wait, so you found out you had cancer by jerking off. When else are you touching your balls, dude? Well, I don't know. All the time. I sat on mine for a while and I thought it was contortion and it was... It's not.

I didn't feel pain. Oh, you didn't. I just felt this swell up. So I was telling him for years, I felt that the epidemis is what holds your balls. Yeah. You know how like your balls can't do a full flip. Right, right. So there's a bump on the top of your testicles and that's where.

your balls are being held. I thought that was cancer for years. And I was like, apologizing to my mom, like, just being like, it's going to be okay. Like, I thought I was never going to get checked because I was like, the idea of getting my balls cut off were worse than me dying because I was like a dumb 15 year old. Okay, so then you jerked up.

I'm sorry, I probably missed this while I was in the bathroom. You jerked off and then you were, you felt so much pain. I felt it in the middle of jerking me off. Like, oh, I feel like swollen. And then I was like stressed out. I was like, I got to get this checked out. But first, I'm going to finish what I'm doing. Yeah.

I'm going to finish. jerking off. And then I went to a doctor maybe two weeks later and they were like, yeah, we're just probably gonna, we're gonna have to take this out. Okay, and then, but wait, what was the porn you watched? Oh, I'm not gonna say. Why? It was, it was...

Who was the porn star? Jada Stevens. I don't know who it is. You know what it is? No, she's great. She sounds like a Smith, like Jada Stevens. She's phenomenal. And then I had another question when you came into the cup to freeze your cum. I don't remember that. You don't remember that? That's just what they gave. I remember remember it?

What do they give you? They give you, like, good stuff, or they give you, like, Playboy? It's pretty whack. They give you magazines, and then they give you, like, DVDs. That'll take me forever.

Magazine's, like, take me for. Oh, you want to know something fucked up? But I had a weird nostalgia for, like, old porn. I'm like, ooh. I remember what magazines used to be dope when I, like, yeah,

my buddy's dad had him in the bathroom, and I would just go to the bathroom when I was just figuring out how to fucking jerk off. I would go use those magazines all the time. Now, like, if you show me a Playboy or a Hustler, like,

I could, I could do it. It might be Pavlovian. At this point it might be hotter. No, it's because I'm so The old Playboys are great, but because I don't see any motion, my dick is desensitized. Yeah. You just shake the thing. Nah. I don't even like that.

It's moving. It's a lot of moving parts. Oh, when I went to the sperm donor place, I don't know. I especially you opening the mouth, you're like, hey, Brandon, you're so hot. Just like moving the jaw, but I'm moving. So when I went in there, it was like those interviewer rooms, the shit that you said, do you watch?

Wait, what? You know, like, the black leather couch? Uh-huh. Like, interview. It was fucking that. When you jerk off into the cup. Yeah, exactly.

They had a black leather casting couch, and then I sat down, and then after I sat down, I saw, like, the paper that you're supposed to pull and, like, put on the couch, and I'm like, fuck, I already sat on this cum-covered couch. Yeah.

I sat on the seat before. I saw it a cover that you're supposed to put on it. Oh, God. I'm like, oh, shit. And then I just did it. And then I remembered them being like, did you wait a few days before you did this? And I'll know, I jerked off yesterday. And they're like, you're supposed to like wait a few days.

So we have a nurse. Is it like a hot nurse? I don't think she was hot. I don't remember her being hot. Yeah, it's always the worst. So you have a hot nurse and you got to tell them like, I remember I had my, my fucking elbow. I broke my elbow playing hockey.

And then I fucking, I remember getting emergency. surgery and I wake up in the emergency room and I'm just like ripping ass like so much ass I'm ripping because of the anesthesia like the gas. I remember like the nurse coming in to like check on my fucking like vitals and shit

and she looks at me and he goes oh you're up and I go hey I was going and like the room must have stunk because she looked at me and like she was so hot and she looked at me and she goes are you farting and I was like I was like

I was wanted to kill myself. I go, dude, why the fuck did you say that? She goes, eh, it's all right. And I go, no, it's gross. There's also a certain way to own farts, though. Yeah, but it's... You can be an owner where you're like,

look, I fart and what are you gonna do about it? Yeah, I fart, dude. It's just like, it's just one of those awkward moments where, like, the nurse comes in and is like, and they break, like, because you have, like, that fantasy in your head like, what if I bang this nurse? After the, and you wake up from the anesthesia, too?

Well, in general, just like, whether you get your nut removed or, like, something... You're also very fucked up after you wake up. Yes. super fucked up. And I remember, like, I mean, dude, just like anything, like a hot nurse comes in, you're like, damn. Like, you know, horny minds were like, I'm gonna bang.

When I got my, when I get checked up, one of the nurses is this lady who's kind of like attractive enough. Yeah. Where it's like, oh, she's a nurse. She's kind of attractive. Where it's like, you're definitely making your shit look nice. Yeah. It's like shaving his pubes.

Subconsciously, no, it's true. You're kind of like touching it. Be like, hey, wake up, dude. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then, but it's like, if you ever see those people in public? God forbid. Oh, yeah.

Then it's like, you know, all your medical records. His mom was like the, like, the, like, his mom's friend was like the pediatrician.

She's like, yeah, I've seen so-and-so's we and her a ton of times that he's a kid. I'm like, that's so awkward. That's so hippa.

That's like breaking hip- Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Completely. Like, let me tell you about Joshua. Tiny dick. Yeah, you're like,

you want to know the closest. This might actually be she was trying to do something. So my main doctor that I go to every six months is this guy. so he has a nurse who's a lady. And then one time, this has never happened before.

It's been like two years. So I've been there maybe like six times. And then one time she was like, hey, I know the doctor like checked you out. But like, I'm going to, do you mind if I like check? And that is for that that, that happened the last time I went. And the first thing about the matter is like, oh my God. She's about to. I'm going to beg this shit.

She's about to fucking suck my dick. Yeah. And I remember like, can I go to the bathroom so I could jerk off real quick? She looks at him. She goes, just like I thought, small. I just wanted to see me all out of bed going on in the kitchen. Well, the thing is, they do talk about. I was talking to somebody who is a doctor, and they're like, they will be like, oh, my God, that guy has the smallest penis.

Of course. Oh, I didn't have that problem. It's like comedians, dude. Yeah, you have to. Yeah, the hippist stuff's bullshit. Well, no. Oh, yeah. I think it can't be like, Anthony Barton, whatever, has a small penis, but they'd be like,

That guy, small dick. No, no, no, no, no. But I think... It's a medical condition. I think doctors that, like... And nurses that, like, are, like, close-knit, they talk shit about everybody to use names. Even, like, therapists? But it's, like, comedians.

Like, you meet comedians, like, who are very antisocial, and they're just, like, into comedy. And then you try talking to those people, and you can't talk shit with those people at all. Same shit. I feel like, there's doctors. You're like, hey, you want to hear about one of my patients? I'm like, dude, no. And they, like, and you're like, I, dude, don't fucking make this fucking weird. Don't we...

Yeah. You know what I mean? they can tell you like, so I have OCD and like OCD, man, it felt itself in weird ways. And I had a therapist who told me she literally had a dude pull, put a gun to her head. Because there's a thing called harm OCD where you think you're going to hurt other people. So what you do is OCD is you have, I've said a thousand on the podcast, but you have an anxiety and you take reprecogn. You have an unrealistic anxiety. So you take repercussions to avoid that anxiety.

And that ends up being. So like every time you see a cop, right? Everybody does this. You see the gun and there's a party that goes, what if I grabbed his gun and you shot it? That's just like a thought that posits me head. I think that. When you're driving a car, here's the thought.

Like, what if I just drive this car off a cliff, right? Somebody of the OCD takes those precautions and avoids that, starts avoiding those behaviors until the point where it goes crazy. So there's people with OCD where they go, they see a gun and they go, okay, well, I can't touch that gun because what if I hurt somebody? And it builds up to the point where now they'll avoid, like, other things.

They'll be like, I can't go to my uncle's house now because he has a gun. And what if I grab that gun and act like an idiot? So the way to deal with that is the guy has to, grab a gun and play with and get comfortable using a gun so that he realizes that he's not going to go crazy and shoot people. So the therapist literally was like, I've had somebody put a gun to my head

in therapy, which is bad asses. To the therapist head? Yeah. And she and she knew how to handle it. Yeah. Well, because I did similar thing with her, so I've had a harm OCD before. And she goes, I was like, she's like, what are your, what are your fears? I was like, I don't know, what if I punch you in the face or something? She goes, that's not going to happen. You have OCD. It's not going to happen.

I was like, I don't know. I'm worried. Like, what if I took this lamp and, like, hit you over the head with it. She goes, ate that lamp right now, hold it over my head. I was like, you serious? She's like, yeah, hold that lamp right over my head. Do you go to see a therapist or do you... Now I do over the phone, but I used to... I want to get this number because I want to see...

I've never seen the therapist before. Yeah, yeah. And I haven't shared so. Yeah, get that shit, dude. It's great. Bro, it fixes your life. Yeah. Even if they're lying to you, it's awesome.

I thought you were popping out a retainer right there. And I was like, wait, I just got my braces off, dude. Yeah. We're about to wrap up. Let's go to Key Bar. I'm down. What do you guys want to promote? Comedy shop every Friday and Saturday.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to come by tomorrow. You guys got to come in. I'll go to book you guys. Yeah. TJ Francis broadcast. Broadcast. I'm a permanent guest host on this thing.

So even though it's not TJ and Arden, it's T.J. Francis podcast. Our. Hell yeah. The show. The J. Francis. Fuck you. All right. Sweet.

All right, boys.