Morning Good - Taiwan is a Country - Episode 28

Episode Date: May 30, 2021

Big thanks to T.J. for joining the show and Artan for coming back on. Make sure to check them out on social media and follow them for more stuff they have coming up. Artan is on Instagram @artan_x and T.J @teejfrancis.  As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. We're getting started, and I'm wearing a suit right now. I look kind of like a Mormon because I'm wearing my work clothes. Yeah, you look like Jehovah's Witness going around. You look like you're late to a job. don't have. Yeah.

Good job interview. My favorite is seeing people just on this, ever see somebody on the side of the road wearing a suit? Like on the side of the highway, you're like, that guy's just having the worst day of his life. There's no reason that you'd be dressed up and walk, unless you got fired at the car got to. His scooter died. Yeah.

I'm here with TJ Francis. Hello. And Arden X. Yeah. With the long hair. Dude. I've never seen your hair. Yeah.

They can't see my hair on the podcast. Well, it looks fucking hot. Like, think about the hottest guy at your high school. Right. And if he got. Michael Murray. Chad Michael. Yeah, exactly.

So imagine if that guy got hit in the face 45 times. That is Arden. Fuck you. Only 45? It looks like home alone, dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's funny because I try to sneak into kids' houses all the time. Yeah. They're fucking. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Second time on this podcast. Dude, I feel like Tim Dillon on Joe Rogan. Dude, you're, yeah. People talk about the listeners are like, when's Arden going to be bad? Yeah. Yeah. probably should have brought some topics.

Now, I'm just kidding. Well, I was thinking, literally, I was on the train right here. Like, what the fuck are we going to talk about? I'm like, I'm an idiot. I'm hungover. I hate myself. Did you ever wake up in the middle of the night? I've been having that recently where we're waking with the middle of the night.

And I'm just like, you're never going to fucking make it. Throughout the day, I'm sure. Throughout the day, I'm confident about my comedy. I'm like, yeah, I'm going to be a star one day. And then randomly in the middle of the night, I'm like, you fucking idiot. Yeah, all the time, dude. That's why we sleep. Yeah.

I thought it was because I got the COVID vaccine. I don't know why I thought those two were related, but... You got it? Both of them? Yeah, yeah, both of them. I got one, by the way. Oh, yeah, your arm was fucked. You had like a bruise on your arm? Yeah, but it's not on that arm.

I got a bruise on the opposite arm. On the other one? Yeah. Are you also in a relationship, but you're just blaming the COVID vaccine on the bruises? I'm not in a relationship. Oh, okay, never mind. But yeah, it's a...

Check this shit. That's your... That's the vaccine? Wait, what is that for... Okay, I was like, holy shit. Is that the same? I don't know what this is from. I don't know what this is from.

It just happened after the vaccine? Yeah, but I got the vaccine on this arm. Dude, it's fucked out, dude. That's weird as shit. Oh my God, dude. That looks like a demon trying to get out. We have to talk about TJ thinks he's immune to it. I do think I'm immune to COVID.

I believe that, too. You may not hold it like it. Yeah, yeah, there we go. And hold it here. Why? Because it'll break. Oh, okay. By that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, it's all good. It's a, we'll move on. These are better mics than the fucking comedy clubs. Yeah. too. We go to pretty shitty ones. No, I'm just kidding.

The one of the old man is literally flat on top. It's like, have you seen it? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's literally like, it's been dropped a trillion times. Yeah, nobody's just flat. Yeah, it's just flat. Yeah, it's crazy. The vaccine, yeah, you're not a lot of questions. You know, you can't be hesitant about it. I feel like everybody gets pissed at you if you're like, I got it, but I'm like,

I don't know about it. And people are like, fuck you. You have to, you got to bend over and let them put in your ass like a good liberal. Don't even question. Don't even go blindfolded to the vaccine place. Ever since I got it, I've been telling people I don't trust the vaccine, but I trust CVS. Yeah. Totally. I'm fine with CVS, dude.

This is like the fourth vaccine. My viewers are going to think I'm going to go. I love it each episode I start getting crazy and crazy. I'm like, every episode you get more vaccines. Yeah. Like, I just got the Moderna and I got the Pfizer this week.

Johnson and Johnson lined up next week. There's so many side effects. Like, I've taken every single one. And I don't feel healthy. I'm like, yeah, no, I was supposed to take all at once. You feel it's safe, though. That's good. It's all that matters.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That is all it matters. and a tj saw a fire the other day that was wild we didn't see a fire we just saw smoke on mcdougal right yeah is the one you're talking about yeah i saw some

i saw someone boomerang it on instagram that's a fun i saw you post about it no it wasn't you you posted like a joke and then a picture or video yeah and then i was going because i think someone else was there and they posted a boomerang of a building on fire that's like it was a comedian on stage

i just like you know i was pretty drunk like i kind of don't fully remit we just like sat there for like an hour. My favorite is we'd walk by people, people are walking with a fire and we're like, yeah, I can't believe there's an orphanage. And people would just be like, what? Some people wouldn't care about it. I remember I said a couple of times, like, yeah, it's an elementary school. And people are you just here? It was like, it was also like 11 p.m. Who would believe that? Well, an orphanage. Yeah, they're all sound asleep. Yeah. They're not going to, yeah, nobody knew them. It doesn't matter. We'd be fine. Yeah, but, um, literally no family.

Yeah. Did it look cool? Like flames and shit? It was like smoky. The best is like seeing people next to Because there's people in the building next to it to it and I was like We're chilling. They were just like right next to it. They're like, what's going on over there? They couldn't see the fire. Yeah, it's like what's happening? If you see a firefighter coming up like right next to you in the building,

that'd be pretty fucking sketchy. I would get out immediately. I don't know why like, should we leave? I'd be like, get out. Yeah, yeah. Go next door. Yeah, no, it's definitely sketchy. But the craziest is like it was locked.

So like there was, there was bars over the windows. They had to pull out like a buzzsaw and like saw it until they could get inside. Damn. Yeah, I think it was a Chinese restaurant. Have you guys ever had to, like, escape a fire? Escape a fire. No, I would be talking about it every day. Yeah, that would be sick.

I don't think so. I have, like, a relative that died in the fire. I never knew them, but I guess they left a candle on. Now, my mom's, like, really weird about candles. Yeah, shit. Well, you, you're not weird about, you're weird about having weird candles. Because you have a double dildo candle on the table right now. It looks very sexual, yeah.

Or, I don't know if two girls sit on it and make out. That's kind of how I bet you those. Definitely, that's exactly. But, or one woman. with a large distance between the vagina and the asshole can sit on it. Wow, that's a dual dildo candle right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know who has that much distance between the vagina and asshole.

Is my phone on? No, it's mine. It's probably really important stuff. Dude, can you have some respect when you're on my podcast? Yeah, my bad. Just focusing on important things. We're talking about firefighters. The worst is I had a show the other night.

And the show was going well, but there's two firefighters in the audience. They were just hammered. Were you there that night? No. I remember you talking about it, I think. Dude, this guy was so hammered. And I wasn't bombing. I promise.

I swear to God. Not this night. But I just hear this one firefighter just hammered. I can see him looking at me and I see him look at his friend. And vocally, I can hear him say, what the fuck is this guy talking about? And I didn't have enough time to address it, but I sure the guy was like, what the fuck is this guy talking about up here? Like midway through a bit. Yeah.

That's hilarious. That's always great. Did you answer? No. You should have like cats. Yeah. Yeah. No.

How did you know they were firefighters? They're not quiet about. If you fight fires, you bring it up in conversation. They were like, yo, we're firefighters. They're like, we're going to be a bit of a problem at the show. And we're like, all right. I wonder what firefighters could do to get hate like cops do. I don't know.

Because people love firefighters and shit. Yeah, people do. Yeah. But they're just the same shit, you know. Yeah, I don't know. They don't have guns to kill. They have hoses. And those hoses have been.

Oh, shit. There is video of people that just like hosing down black people in like the 60s. Yeah, that was like very popular. Firefighters. It wasn't like popular. People were like, we're going to go do this on Friday. But it was like something that happened a lot. Yeah. It was a past time. Yeah. People were like, yeah, you know. We watched the Mets and then we spray down people with hoses. Yeah, those videos are crazy. And then I like how Jackass did it as a prank.

They're like, you know how they did this to people? As a hate crime, we're going to do it for fun. That's what people do. They take things that are like, oh, that's a tragedy for someone, like escape rooms. I'm going to turn this into a game now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I always thought it'd be funny if they did something like that. like escape Oschwitz. They're like, this is not a fun theme.

We shouldn't have two years. In the attic. It's a pretty good. Yeah, I don't know. Firefighters do get a lot of love. And they don't do anything. They never work. They work once a month,

I feel like. I don't know. I hear firefighters, like the fire trucks all night. I guess in the city, but like I live in a fucking, or I'm from like a suburban town in Jersey. It's like,

you're going to die in a fire. And you probably will. Like a fire station in a fall town. Yeah, they just sit there and play cards upstairs. And then they're like, oh, yeah, we got to go save a cat. But they should have off time because, like, their on time is so bad because they're like going into Bernie buildings. Yeah.

Dude, just overrated. Dude, I'll be a firefighter. Me too. I feel like it's a good. Shout out to all the firefighters. Let's just shit on firefighters. The whole time. Fuck those guys.

Easiest job ever. Stupid Pete Davidson's dad. Yeah. That's the only firefighter I know of. Yeah, me too. He's not even alive anymore. So I don't know what to say about that. I wanted to ask you this.

Yeah, that's true. We know a lot of cops. You can name a lot of different cops. Good or bad. You can name them. Firefighters. What if that's just cops off job as firefighters? They get so much hate as being cops. They're like, we're going to be firefighters the other half of the talent.

Balance this out. It's actually smart. Yeah. The cops should just become a nurse too because you pick one. I'm a cop. But I'm all that cheer me on. Yeah. Which one?

Whatever happened with that John Cena thing, you texted in the... I had no... So he, like, called Taiwan a country. and then he like deeply apologized to China. Is that like offensive though? I don't know. So,

because I, the first thing I did was Wikipedia, Taiwan and it was like it's a country. Yeah, I guess it's a, it's probably some,

it's probably some weird thing like, I like the apologizing Mandarin though. Yeah. It's kind of, that was kind of done. I wonder,

just slanty eyes while doing it. Just super Asian accent. Yeah. I'm sorry. John Sina. John Sina. John Sina.

Oh, yeah. It's so annoying that I can't do a good enough Asian accent for not to be offensive. I wish I could like nail it because it's not offensive. It's not offensive when you do it. Dude, I think everything's not offensive if you nail it correctly. It's the problem is like when you over. I think it's the opposite. If you do it really good, that means it's, it has to be good to be offensive.

No, no, no. I mean, it's funnier if it's good, it actually sounds like, it's not like if you're just kind of like, people are like, uh, that guy sucks. And that guy's just racist. Yeah. But I feel like the better you want to be. are at the accent, it's like, you really put in work to be racist. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah, but I don't think racist actually, I think racist are more divided from the racist, so they're like so far away.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, I think nobody is racist is like, no, I've studied Chinese culture and I just don't like it. Like they, like, I read all the books. I tried to like him and just not for me, man. I went there for 10 years, just trying to like them. Yeah, like, it's a TV show. At that point, you deserve to be racist. You've, like, studied the culture. You're like, I spent 20 years over there, I learned everything there is to know about it. And in and out, not my thing. Yeah.

That's all that. It's not even prejudice. It's just judge. Like, they're like, yeah, just not for me. Yeah, that is true. They're not pre-judging it. They're like, no, I've been through everything. This is just judges.

Yeah. Whatever the fuck. This is me judging. Yeah, yeah. That's a funny thing to think. I hate it. Yeah. I hate all of it.

Hold it here, by the way. I'm sorry. I just do it. You fucking idiot. No, no. It's fine. Dude, it's not even you. It's just like, I've had like whole episodes cut out.

And it's always right when I'm saying the least, most offensive thing. And I'm like, oh, conveniently, we can cut all that out. I guess. The way people hold the mic and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because it'll fuck up the audio. But my favorites, I've used that racist game show host. There's like this game show host. He's like, uh, Polynesian, which I forgot was a place.

I just knew about it because the chick-fil-a sauce. And the guy's talking about, uh, it's like a game show where they give like a scholarship to somebody. And this guy literally goes, it goes, I'm not going to give Derek the scholarship, because he's black. And they're like, what? And he's like, black people, he goes, just don't like them. And you're like, what the fuck?

Was that a real show? Yeah, it's so funny because it's like, there's something funny about some guy being so casual about being racist and like not expecting it to immediately backfire. He's like, a black guy was on the show too. He's like, what the fuck? He's like, I rode in with you today. He's like, yeah, I'm just speaking more of a general sense.

That's hilarious. And he's like, how much more? I have no idea, yeah. There was a video I saw once. I forget where I saw it, but there was a girl, a white lady, older lady and a black guy. and he's videoing and he's like, you just call me the N-word and like so calmly

she's like, yeah, I'm a racist. She was like, oh, I'm sorry, did you not get what was going on here? This is what I do. Like, the black guy would just be like, oh shit, miscommunication. Yeah, I'm so sorry about that. I thought you were like a regular person.

I thought I discovered something. Yeah. It was very funny video. Yeah, it's so funny for somebody just be so calm about like the most horrific thing. You think those people, like, let's say that lady who called the cops on that bird watcher, you know? Yeah. You think there's like a relief, like, finally, people know I'm racist.

Like, I don't have to hide it anymore. Maybe. I don't know. Someone like that, she fucking, I feel like she. She was embarrassed by it, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

There's already like six videos of me out there, man. You're wasting your time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just go through this podcast. There's some unflattering things I've said. But I'm just trying to be silly. So it's okay, I guess. There's a difference between making jokes and calling the cops because you feel petrified at a bird watching event.

Yeah. You know what I mean? There's a difference. Yeah. She was trending the other day. I only called it. Have you called the cops? I've only done it like a couple times.

I've done it in the city. One time it was so weird. We were at a, actually, your kind of people, Eastern European. I don't know what it was specifically. I don't know if they're all being. You're people. We're at like my buddy. I'm calling the cops right now.

I got locked out of my old apartment. and my buddy's like, yo, come down to this, he's like, come down to this hair, he had to give me the keys. He's like,

come down to this hair salon, it's like closed and there's a party going on. And it was just an Eastern European guy DJing. And like, these like kind of scared looking women. I don't know what was going on.

I don't think it was sex trafficking. But the guy's like, definitely was. I don't think it was like a hair salon. And then, uh, what happened was like the guy, the guy and the girl got in a fight

and the girl started like punching the guy and like doing all this crazy shit. And then he picks her up and throws her outside the, the place. And then he's like, I'm so sorry about that. And he was super cool and stuff.

And, and I'm just holding like, yeah, I'm just, I'm wearing my word. Wait, he said sorry to you. Yeah,

yeah. Oh, I thought he said sorry to the girl he just threw out the door, but he said, you apologize to you. Sorry, you guys had to watch that.

I'm sorry you had to watch me. Yeah, yeah, to be the shit I have a girl, but my bad. Yeah, sorry to ruin the vibe. Well, also, I don't know what,

yeah, sorry, we were having fun here. What do you guys want to put your next? but it also wasn't like I think like throwing her out was like the only way to really deal with it because it's like

I think bear hugging a girl is like the best way to like honestly I think a headlock too might be the only way it's not bad but it's like how else do you control a situation how to neutralize women with Michael I don't know the answer without getting into trouble

dude I think a lasso is the best way yeah yeah dude learning how to catch someone with a lasso it's fucking easy man yeah but yeah and then what have

as we, then the girl like comes back in. She got the point where like, she's like, they're knocking shit off the shelves. And I was like, all right, I'm just going to call the cops. So nobody gets hurt. But it's so funny because I called the cops and I was like, they're like, what's your name? I'm like, why the fuck would I tell you my name right now? And I think the other time was I was walking out of the street and this guy's just like, yeah, I'm having a heart attack right now. You had like no shoes.

And I was like, oh, shit, I'll call the cops. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. What's your name? Why the fuck would I tell you my name right now?

I called the cops on, uh, my bad. finish that. No, no. But I think the only other time was, it's funny how the ambulance though are so casual as shit, because they see so much shit every day. Like, there was this guy O-Ding on like Coke and heroin one time at this park mic. He wasn't like a comic, but he was just like some guy that was doing that. Surprising.

Yeah, surprisingly not. It was somebody though, because the ambulance come up and I'm like, yeah, that guy was speedballing. I thought like the thing that was cool because I... They run over and go immediately to the comics. They're like, who's the guy? Well, it's over there. Oh, wait, this was at that mic, right? Yeah, yeah. And by the way, if you brought it up after five

comics it was like hacky to bring up that point. We got it. We got it. But there's somebody how casual the, they're like, where's the guy ODing? They're like, okay, over there. They're like, walked up to him slowly. Yeah.

And just like, sir, get in the chair. He's like, O-Ting. Was someone up like doing jokes while the- Yeah, it was before the mic. And then we're like, I guess we'll start now that that's all dealt with. Bro, the only time I've ever called a Cuffs least I can remember was like a few weeks ago when some girl had a seizure. Oh, shit.

Actually, a wild fucking story because I was at a comedy club. and some guy was like headlining and he was supposed to be a night but one person showed up one person and he kept recording so he got kicked out and it was zero people but the dude kept performing to nobody

except for like other comedians that were hanging out then as that's happening this girl has a seizure and I call 911 I'm freaking out like yo this girl's having a seizure and they're just like okay relax like we got it I'm like she's dying and they're like shut the fuck up we got it but he still continues

to perform as she's having a seizure. Oh my God. That's super. Is he addressing it? Yes. It was like the girl. That would be funny if he's like, all right, guys. Guys,

eyes up here. Listen, eyes up here. Come on. These dating apps, right? They get fucking wild out there. She thinks I'm so funny,

dude. I had a guy with that pull on my leg. I was at an EDM concert and the dude, like, I thought he was doing a weird dance move because he was having a seizure. The guy's pulling in my pant leg and I'm like, dude,

fuck off. And I'm like, and I'm not out later. The people are going to be like, oh, okay, Maybe get them out of it. It's the scariest thing ever. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, unbelievably scary. It's crazy. You think they're dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I guess people have seizures all the time and they're fine.

Yeah. I have like four friends of ed seizures and they're all drug related. But you know you get a boner when you have a seizure, right? Yeah. Really? That's the worst news I've heard all day. If you're fucking cool. Yeah.

You're like, you're limp dick, pussy. Yeah. Imagine you're like, you watch so much porn. You have like such anxiety about boners that even like, like, seizure. don't give you Yeah. It's like, dude,

it'll be a good, that'll be a good, uh, it would be like a robotic. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, like a fucking thing on the shirt.

That's like a blue chew commercial like the guy has a seizure. I'm sorry if you're not sponsored by them. No, it's all good. Yeah. You can't even get boners while you have a seizure, dude.

Yeah, that'd be sad. They're like, this guy's, four hymns. This guy's a problem. I'm not talking about the seizures. Yeah.

I'm still so confused by that John Cena thing, though. Like, know what happened. When I Wikipedia, Taiwan, I thought it would be funny. You know, like, they update Wikipedia's like with the most recent news. Like, what if on the Taiwan Wikipedia, the last paragraph was like, recently John Cena said we were a country. Yeah, yeah, they're really, really excited about it. That's how little things go on. They are. I fucking, yeah. They're like a good baseball country. China doesn't recognize them,

though. And we aggressively pander to China, right? Don't we with like cinema? Like, I know like there's a whole scene in the, the whole thing in the dark night where they went to China has thing to do with like the plot. They like wrote that all in just so that they can like cater to like Chinese people. And then um I know uh what was it too like a lot of COVID shit. Yeah. Well like Ironman they had like a there was like there was like this one. I'm pretty sure like one of them there's like this whole scene. I'm trying to think of what else. I know everybody I remember one of my classes we were learning about it. They were like yeah they had a white woman play a Taiwanese woman in or Nepalese woman in a what's it called Dr. Strange. And like this.

is whitewashing. And we found out later Chinese people like hate people from Nepal. So we put a white person in that character so that we could cater to like their racism. So Chinese people wanted that. Yeah. Yeah. They were like cool. No, apparently I could be totally wrong.

I have no idea. We're probably wrong. So please feel free to correct me. But I was told that like there's this thing where they like white people in movies because they're like we're like funny looking to them or something. Like we're like. Everything's a comedy. Wait till they go in.

Like all of it. Like how stupid Robert. Downey Jr. looks in that outfit. Dumb Americans think that they have superpowers. Fucking idiots. They don't even know how to build an iPhone without us. That would be so fucking funny.

If they watch all these like horror movies, like look at these dumb Americans, dude. Can't get out of that saw trap. It's so easy. Yeah, their hands are too big. They can't even fucking deal with it like we can. But no, I think they like, they see us like very like

as like, what do you call it? Like, what's the word? Not fantasizing you novelty or like a novelty to them. Right. Yeah. It's funny. Novelty is weird.

Because when I hear novelty, I don't think anything cool. I think like the glasses with a mustache like a break store. Yeah, yeah. The eyes that pop out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the funniest thing you said.

The most racist thing I've seen that's still so funny is the picture there are these glasses. And they just have shining. What were those called, though? I don't know, but it's so fucked up because it says, fool your friends. It's like, you're going to show up.

We're like, dude, I thought this was just a Chinese guy. It turns out it's my friend. Yeah, your friends. Just wearing the most, basically black face for Asian. It's Asian face. It's like some shit that would be sold at like a goof, like Spencer store. Yeah, yeah. And it's just so funny to the idea.

It's like, yeah, no, I went home. I had sex with my wife. And I caught her cheating on me because I'm not Chinese, but I wore this and fucked her. The name of them were so ridiculous. Like chop suey glasses or something like that. That's probably chopstick spectacles or something like that. So fucked up.

Just the worst thing ever. Jesus. That was Spencer's Gifts until like, they probably still have them back there somewhere. Yeah, if you look deep enough. You know that store's been open since like the 1940s or something? Really? Yeah, I'm like, I don't know what they sold back then.

Spencer's gifts? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to look up the... You ever, you know what Spencer's is? Not really. Oh, it's like the trashiest. I feel like I've known that name. I thought Spencer's was like a hot topic.

It's basically a hot topic. hot topic except like they're not that suicidal in Spencer's they have a sense of humor like 1947 damn Jesus Christ right after the big one they were probably what's the big one big war oh yeah so they probably had like they're like let's have one yeah they're like another holocausters you have a vote about fake poop you put in bigel shoes they sold like fake Hitler mustache let's run that back huh that was a fun goof that's a funny thing I realize like sometimes the further away from a tragedy you get the more sensitive we are to an extent because like

you look at dude the three stoogers used to like dress up like Hitler and they're like isn't this funny and people why that is funny because they're not Hitler but like now like if you heard of somebody dress up as Hillary you'd be like I don't know about that but it's like that was closer to the Holocaust if you think about it it's like that would have been like a year ago they're like yeah look at me they're like oh that's funny

that is interesting yeah I wonder why because like I feel like people started making 9-11 jokes so quick oh yeah but I wonder if in like 20 30 years people are like dude seriously yeah you could make fun of Hitler especially like as soon as they beat him. But like, if I had a sketch today

where I dressed up as Hitler, people would be so bothered by it. Even though you're making fun of him, people are so weird by that where they're like, dude, I don't like you making fun of him. I'm like, well. Yeah, I know you really want to get that sketch

off the ground. Yeah, it's like a great written. Culture, like, just like people like don't want you to dress up as other things that you're not now. But where it's back? Because you could do blackface back in the day too and people would be like, hell yeah.

Yeah, yeah, but also people were more racist back then. That's true. But I don't think it's like the anti-Hitler stuff. It's like, I think that's a little different. Because, like, I understand, like, the slavery and then people being racist afterwards and that humor being acceptable.

But it's different when you're making fun of the, you know what I mean? It's like, if you, you know what I mean? It would be like if. Dressed up at Robert Lee. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And people would be like, oh, we can make fun of this. Like, you know what I mean? You can't make fun of a Jew.

You can't get all sickly and be like, I'm a Jew, look. Yeah, obviously. You think you could go on stage dressed up as Derek Chauvin and, like, be obviously making fun of it? I don't know. In a cop uniform, too? Like, I'm a, like, No, definitely not, dude. You would get shot.

You'd think someone will shoot you on stage? Yeah. That would be the funniest part. Yeah, I don't know. That's it. If only the three stooges was still around, Dave. They would be old enough.

Brave enough to do that. That's what we need. Yeah. I don't know. They could play all three cops that were around. They have the chop suey eyes. They're like, isn't that funny? Because there was an Asian cop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny that that's like the second most fucked up part about the whole thing. The Chopsoo. Yeah, they're like, this is racist, but not as racist as the hate crime that happened. It would be how fun it would be if John Cena gave that sincere apology with the Chapsui eyes? He's like, I think it could see me better if I was wearing this. Do you guys relate to this? Does this make sense?

We're basically at that level. I like the South Park guys that were just like we're not doing it. Yeah, yeah. They were the only people who were like they made fun of it more. Yeah, yeah. No, we promise we don't think he looks exactly just like Winnie to do. Because when the NBA was like kissing China's ass or something. Oh, and LeBron happened to go silent.

South Park like completely made fun of them. Yeah, yeah. Because like I also think like we should be able to create. It's like it's a horrible government. Like they have people in like concentration camps in them. I don't know shit about anything that happens like. Not on my block. You're like, what's not happening here?

But it's also like, what are you going to solve it? You know what I mean? It's like, people are like, oh, you're going to be the one. It's like, no, I shouldn't know about these world issues because I'm going to do nothing about it. Yeah. It's not like I have the capabilities. It's like, I'm a fucking commit. Like, I'm a clown.

What do you want me to fucking do? Talk about on the pot, dude. Spread awareness. Spread awareness. So more people can be like, oh, that sucks. I guess that's shitty. You know what I mean? It doesn't like.

No, I know. I know. I'm just shook. But yeah, they are doing that. I think. Did you see, do you guys watch, what's the dude's thing? We released this six-part. Adam Curtis, anybody watched that documentary?

No, I don't know who it was. It's pretty wild. It's too long to explain, but yeah, he talks about that for a while. Sounds incredible. Yeah, it's pretty riveting. Let's do a fight companion of that documentary. Watch it live. Yeah. I was talking to some people yesterday.

Do you watch basketball at all? A little bit. I don't watch it, but there was someone said that if the Knicks win, it's going to be just like, like, you remember the riots? Like if the Knicks win the championship, it's going to be like that again. Damn. It's like, I think that's the, people were angry during the riots. Yeah.

People are going to be fucking excited there if the Knicks one. I think it's going to be just as crazy. It might be just as crazy, but I don't think people are going to loot if the Knicks win. Yeah, that'd be a weird thing. They'll loot MSG. Still some Julius Randall jerseys, maybe. Who's to win? He's on the Knicks.

Yeah, I don't know nothing about it. He's got these hot basketball riffs, and we have no idea what he's talking about it. Somebody of the audience is like, fuck yeah. Yeah, dude. It actually will be fun. I was kind of watching last night. Dude, first of all, we're back. It was packed last night.

Oh, that's good. Even the front rows? Yeah, I think so. Maybe the players so much, like, they don't want to be close to the players, so maybe not. But, like, dude, all the way in the back, people were posting Instagram stories, 100% people there. I had a friend who was there and there were, like, no one wearing mask and shit. Yeah, that's good. Yeah.

Dude, it felt good. Yeah. It felt great. And then if they win, it's going to be fun. Very fun. Yeah. I'm going to pretend like I was watching the whole time. Just to party.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's a plan. I feel like, yeah, there's always like when the Eagles won. Those videos are crazy before climbing. Wild, dude. My favorite is when Tampa won the Super Bowl or, yeah, Tampa won the Super Bowl. There's videos that like the strip clubs and people are like literally like, they have, what do you call them, like, brooms and all the ones at the strip clubs, they're just like getting out.

The floors are just covered. because everybody went out and went super hard. I went, like, my brain went somewhere so different when you said brooms in the strip club. People just come on the crowd. I guess a brooms stick, right, it's a great. We got a way to clean up the semen. No, it just glaze over the floor.

That wouldn't even clean it up. People are really excited. That's where probably you can work the best. Yeah. We're just lead hardened and then fucking scrape it up. What's that thing? You use, like, a little thing to crack it? You know what I'm talking about?

Like a mallet or something. Yeah. It all just shatters. I was thinking about the other day. I might do a sketch about it, but like, I love the idea of like, we're talking about like 9-11 people being sensitive about it. It's like, I wonder if the Roswell and New Mexico crashed to the aliens was like a serious tragedy. We're like, oh, you guys crashed here in Roswell.

They're like, that was our like challenger. They have stuff like that. They take like very seriously. I don't know. I'm not sure what that is. I'm not going to. I talk about aliens too much in this podcast. You're like aliens.

You talked about the UFO things? What UFO? Are you excited? I got a bono for like a last time. I talk about aliens all the time. Wait, what UFOs? What are UFOs? I just think they're coming here at different

I'm like, no, you're saying they have planes? I don't identify it? I thought they were underground. What if there was just some animal that I thought was an alien's whole? I thought rats were like not from this planet. I'm like, dude, I've been seeing them every fucking day.

You don't see them, dude? They're all over. Yeah. Eat pizza. Yeah. Do aliens drive cars, dude. I just think one race of people. It's aliens.

I've just never seen. known to Mexican before. I'm like, no, these are... Holy shit, what the fuck is that? We're talking about Mexicans all the time in this podcast. There's probably somebody out there who's like never seen a certain race. Like somebody in like Oklahoma.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Well, the weird thing is, I know there's like, there's like certain tribes in the world that have like never seen white people before. That's going to be... And then they laugh at them. I think that's scarier. Like, if you're black...

Yeah, it's way scary. I think it's scary to see a white person for the first time. especially if they're like really pale because then it's very progressive because they look like aliens. Yeah, I know. I appreciate it. No, yeah, we do look weird.

Yeah, I feel like like the skin, especially like a really pale white person where you can see their veins. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of an unattractive race. That's the first person you see. Oh yeah, it's the worst for,

it's like being cool. It's not. It's looking good. Yeah, no, it's impossible. Yeah. My people are the worst, right? That's what I'm going to name my podcast. Yeah, yeah, dude.

I don't even call them great white sharks. call them mediocre. What if, what if, like, the tie turns so completely, the tie turns, like so completely where it's like,

you can't make fun of white people and they chop this up. Oh, yeah, yeah, like 50 years ago, Michael Good,

Ardenex, and T.J. Francis were making fun of white people. Cancel them. Wait, I love when Black would make school shooting jokes

about why white people that. This guy looks like a fucking school shooter. I'm like, yeah, we do. We look,

we look very uncomfortable. Yeah. Dude, I remember, it's only when other white people make funny that you're like, all right, I know what you're doing.

Let the Chinese guy make fun of me. That's funnier for him to be like, you fucking dumb-ass white people. It's funer to make fun of other races than it is to make fun of your own race. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Because you're like, all right, I know what you're doing here. You're trying to make yourself look better because you're trying to prove you're not racist. But it's way funer if a black guy just makes fun of white people. No, repeat races is funier sometimes.

My high school was so diverse. There were some black kids that looked like they would shoot the school up. Oh, there you go. Oh, like anime black kids. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's how popular I was in high school. I had to really worry about the school shooters because I'm like, I'm killing it. I'm on the top of it. I'm like, I'm on the top of all their lists.

You guys kill it down there. You're in Colorado, like, in the lead. Yeah, we're, I think California's catching up, though, surprisingly. They had one yesterday, I think. Oh, but not school. It was a job. It wasn't a school. Yeah, we have been crushing. Job shooting. I don't think Jersey's ever had a school shooting. Really? That's pretty cool. You would think Jersey would. Yeah. It depends what you call a shooting. Somebody's definitely been shot at a high school in Jersey, but it's probably over. Oh, yeah. My hometown high school, there was a shot.

Yeah, but not a shooting. Yeah, it was just a guy. It was shot another guy. Yeah, somebody runs out of heroin and they got to shoot somebody else. Yeah. I don't know what you guys do over there, but it's probably not classy. You think, like, if two school shooters do it at the same day, they must be pissed? If they ran into each other in the hallway, would they shoot each other?

Or, like, no, they'd laser tag team it up. I think they'd be pissed. They'd be like, no, this was my thing, dude. It's not even cool anymore. I think I've made this joke of the podcast before, but I don't know. I should have I should have listened to the podcast Yeah you should have listened to every

TJ hold the fucking mic right dude Every episode Just be yelling You fucking dumb ass Yeah I don't know I guess they found out All these guys are on like antidepressants Because like some of the

Why took one thing It was sort of like an antidepressant So I think what it does is It stabilizes your mood to the sense Where you don't kind of care about anything So it's like you're not depressed But you're just kind of like such in a zombie mood That you're like

Yeah you're like I don't know I heard all this school shooters took the COVID-19 vaccine too. And they got a weird bruise on their other arm. And they were like, holy shit. I should shoot up a school. Dude, look into that.

The craziest was I took something. It was like a mood stabilizer one time because I was told it helped me sleep. And it was crazy the next day I didn't mic. I didn't give a shit about anything. I was like, oh, I get white people. That's good. I was just, it was fun to like just be on stage. I don't give a shit about anything.

Fuck you guys. Like, yeah. But it's like, oh, I can see how that could be bad to numb your brain constantly. Someone told me a few days ago to take beta blockers. and they didn't tell me what beta blockers were. I'm like, what the fuck are beta blockers? And then they're like, oh, I just, I don't know. Was it Max Alpert?

No, it told me to take them. What are they? It's supposed to help with your anxiety or something. It sounds like, dude, you're a pussy. Take these beta blockers. Become an alpha, dude. I got offended when they said that. I was like, you need to take fucking...

You need to stop being such a pussy, dude, yeah. Block your beta. Nerd. And then they gave me a wretchie. That was a funny... Wait, sorry, you be a coached. Did you ever watch that show bully beatdown? Oh, yeah, I love that show.

I was thinking about it. It's so funny because those are all grown-ups. Like, what grown adult has a bully? Like, you put it in there. This guy at my work bothers me, so I got to have some guy from MTV come over and beat the shit out of it. I wonder how real, like, the stories must have been, like,

a little bullshit, but I'm sure the guys were assholes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, what the fuck? Is that a new show? No, it was like an old show. It was like, somebody who would get bullied, they'd have their bully, like,

fight an MMA fighter, which wouldn't prove anything. I could still kick this guy's ass afterwards. One time the bully, like, he didn't win, but he won the $10,000. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He lasted, like, the five minutes or whatever that they had to beat you. How shitty is that? Well, Sheldon, I guess you got to get picked on every day from a rich guy now.

It's like the bully just fucking. They would fight an MMA fighter? Yeah. So an MMA fighter couldn't beat a random account in five minutes. Yeah. He should quit. Sometimes it would be two victims. That was what's funny.

When it was like two victims, they couldn't defend themselves. Yeah. So, dude, it's two on one. They should have had it. I may have made the joke before, but they should have it. Instead of like the bully, they have, they have, they're like, it's like a, like, I agree. If you get your joke and, uh, we want to cut that out.

If they get the bully all, like, revved up for the fight and they just play a video of, like, the nerd fucking his mom or something like that. And they're like, bully fuck down. Yeah, bully cucked down or something like that. Dude, that show would have been sponsored by for him's 100%. Yeah. Boney beat down? Dude, they missed out.

He's like, how's it going? T.J. Look at me. Fucking your mom. I just made fun of his shirt once. I was like the littleest thing. The people if it was like a reverse thing, they're like, no, I'm not the bully. And it's just M.

Just being the shit. You know what would have been funny if bully beat that? Like, you said, it's pathetic that they're adults, right? Yeah. So what if they got like middle school bullies? M.MA fighters. Just like, beat the shit out of some 50. He's like, you want to pick this shit out of some 50.

You want to pick? up people you think it's cool. Here's heavyweight championship. To beat up. Brock Lesner just kneeing him in the face. Stop making fun of kids. That would increase school shootings, I think. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Definitely. The other one was when he was scarred. Because, like, it would be, you've worked that one. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. When they were, like, skateboarding and they, like, cut their knutsack open and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then, like, the best is the guy who filmed, because they'd be, like, a guy in a wheelchair after a serious accident. And he'd be like, oh. Total wipeout, man. There's a guy from Jacoby. You know, it's like the lead singer Poparo.

Dude, what a crazy name, dude. He's like, oh, nice, that guy's going to be paralyzed from the neck down. All right, let's check it in Florida now. That's hilarious.

They would just show people dying and they'd be like, boy, that's crazy. Yeah. That show was pretty cool. I was, dude, dude, MTV 2 was like the best because they'd have jackass

and like that show was just the shit. It was great, but that's why I feel like that, I'm excited for that to come back because that doesn't get affected by political correctness. Because whether you're like a straight white guy in Alabama or like a trans

Chinese woman in Oregon, people getting hit in the nuts, it's just funny. Yeah. Like telling the jackass guys to be more diverse, it's like, dude, black guys don't want to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The most white guy stuff like, show shit in your ass. Their jackass would be so different. Yeah, you'd be like, go mess with that cop.

Yeah. Right there. That song, day, oh, dao, dao, yeah. How's it going, officer? Oh shit Dude, it's on TV We're on a show It's like, oh man, is this

Blackass? Welcome to Blackass. Black ass, that's funny. Dude, you know what else I like that? I'm crossing the border. I like that show next. Dude, those dating shows? The dating shows were the best.

Next, Room Raiders was sick too. And then the one? They would literally just go. They would kick. Kidnap the guys. Like three girls or three guys. And then like a girl would go to each room and be like, I want to date this guy based on his room. Yeah, you wouldn't know how they were.

All the guys of clean rooms are probably just gay. Yeah, this guy's great. I remember like, how's it going? When they would find like porn magazines and like this guy jerks off. I don't know if I want to date him. Next is great. The one where they would walk parental control. Oh, that one was fun.

They would be like, see, that's how you treat a real one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, fuck you. Look at a finger and my daughter there. What a gentleman. This guy, you got too many rings on your fingers and tattoos. Yeah, finger my daughter like a gentleman. My favorite part about the show next is when they're all on the bus.

And the guy like gets out of the bus and it's like it freezes and shows like, I like Monopoly. Yeah. And then he would step out. The girl would see him and be like, next. Yeah. Yeah. Just based on his look.

And then he'd go back in the bus and the guy's like, what the fuck you were gone for a it. Yeah, she's a bitch, dude. Yeah. Did you ever watch, there was one about, like, they go to this high school, and it was like some guy, he's like, step forward. They're supposed to be like, everybody's supposed to get closer in their high school,

so it'd be the whole gymnasium. They'd be like, step forward if you've ever felt alone. And then, like, the kids would step forward. And then eventually it should be like the toughest guy in the high school, like crying in the middle. He's like, my dad molested me. And they're like, yeah, man, this is a power. We can all come together now.

And then Ashton Cutcher came out. It was like, punked. You fucking nerd You just admitted that to everybody Oh, that's embarrassing Shit, dude There was so many good MTV shows Like true life

And then Remember the one where they showed High school pranks? Yeah, it was like a drama That one. High school stories? Yeah, it's just as the prince will be so serious

He's like, you're not graduating now As I wanted to They made it sound like someone died But really like someone just got swirly Yeah, right Dude, our principal tried pulling that cheese If you got to pull a senior prank,

like you're not going to be able to walk at graduation. It's like, fuck you, dude. Who cares about walking at graduation, dude? Yeah, yeah. I remember when I was single, I matched with the principal's daughter on Tinder. Never hooked up with her, but. Wow.

Were you in high school? I think it was like freshman year in college. It's not even a story. I didn't have sex with her. It's not even a story. Okay. Well. But it was so cool.

How about this prank? Principal? Yeah. Senior prank, we really trained on your daughter. How does that feel? We all matched with your daughter, dude. She is just, that's her thing.

She just fucks all the seniors as they leave. Gotcha, mom, you stupid bitch. The worst prank I ever heard of our construction. And I told this funny story. Because my mom got my dick picks through the I cloud one time. Long story. I've talked about it out of enough episodes. But this guy, he's still alive.

Yeah, I would have ended it. Yeah, it was pretty bad. But this guy, I told this guy to construct inside that. He's like, oh, it reminds me this prank I pulled. He's like, one time I blind. this guy and I told him I was going to get a hooker and I blindfold his sister. I made his sister suck his dick. Oh my God!

Dude, it's not a prank. That's like a sex crime. That's like a, he should be in jail for life, dude. Yeah, yeah, he's like, it was hilarious. He's like, fuck those people, right? I like, no, fuck you. He told the brother like, oh, it's going to be a hooker and he told the sister, like, you're just going to suck a penis. I know, and they both did. What kind of family is that where they're just, like, yeah, all blindfold and have sex? Both of them are just on board.

The guy probably also thought his friend was going to suck his dick. He's like, yeah, sure, bring a chick in here. I know how this guy was. hilarious if he was like, if he was like, yeah, I put a blindfold on my friend and then I sucked his dick. How funny is that? That's like the South Park episode where Carmen puts butter's penis in his mouth. He had to reverse it. Look at the stupid picture. And then I blew him.

How gay is that guy, huh? I loved working construction. Like, I remember the favorite was this one guy. He basically was like the bad guy from Toy Story 2, not the collector, but who's the guy with the prospector, like the guy? All I remember was the weird kid with a bug. Buzz head. Oh, yeah. School shooter, yeah.

No. That would be a crazy toy story, like 17. He's like, those toys, but I like this toy. They are 15. The toys have to stop a school shooter.

Buzz light, your head has to like lock the doors. And he's been acting really weird. He's been on 4chan all day. What was his fucking name, dude? I think he's getting radical. He had like a dog, right? Buzz.

No, no, the mean kid. That his name was Buzz. No one of makes sense. Nicholas Cruz. Both their name was. You ever seen the video of him after he did the whole thing? And it's like a 14-hour video of him being... It's so creepy.

Who are you talking about? The Parkland kid. The Parkland guy. Oh, I don't know. I don't know he talked about it. He was so creepy. He was just like talking about it. He's like, talking about some girl.

He's like, I'm going to be with you or something like that. It's very creepy. It's so weird. The best is, I've probably already talked about this too. But at my old job, I knew some guy who went to Parkland. And he just shows up to work at the day of the Parkland shooting. And I was like, didn't you go to school there? and he's like, yeah, I don't still go there.

Like he would take a day off. Yeah, yeah, he's like, dude, come on. What are you fucking... Yeah, that's true. That's funny. Those things are so creepy, like the videos you see after. Oh, yeah, yeah. I just think it's crazy.

I hate how, like, we're like... I understand we don't want to show their face all over the place because the Spires their shooters, but, like, we should know more about... I know the one thing is almost all of them are on antidepressants. But that also might not be a tie because everybody who's depressed does shoot up school. So it's like, it would make sense. You know what I mean?

It'd be like, oh, everybody who school shooting also jerks off. I think, that makes sense. I think sometimes they're just wackos. Yeah, yeah. They're wacky, a bunch of goofy guys. Yeah, there's a bunch of knuckleheads. Ah, he's a wacko. Let them be.

One of my friends' dads used to talk like that. He'd curse really loud and say, like, something not so bad afterwards. Like, you guys are goddamn fucking rascals. You're going mad at us or not. Fucking rascals. Keep it down. You mother fucking knuckleheads. And we're like, what is going on?

Yeah, it's just give like school shooters, like, totally loose turn. Like, dude, they're just knuckleheads, dude. Yeah, just like shooting. There was that one, wasn't there shooting? And they're like, yeah, that guy had a bad day. Yeah, yeah, one of the recent ones. But also, like, I don't know the full context. Because what are you saying?

He's like, yeah, we fucked that guy up. That was a bad day for him. Yeah. And people were like, all that always gets taken out of context. I don't know. Yeah. I don't mean out of context. The guy shot up a place.

It was not a good context anyway. But whatever the cops said, I don't know. Yeah. What were we talking about before all of this? Let's talk about MTV again. Taiwan, yeah. How do we get back to that? John Cena is going to longer love it.

Let's go. Let's leave one controversial subject and get back to Taiwan. I like the idea of him, like, crying, though, I opened in the video. I don't know if he was doing that, but... I didn't see the video, but I did... I opened it for like a second. I heard him speaking perfect Mandarin or whatever. John Cena is a fucking bad at that, by the way. He's awesome.

Yeah, he's cool. He's fucking cool. Oh, yeah. We were talking about the fact that Spencer's Gifts been open since 1940. Oh, yeah. What if John Cena, like, feels so bad about what he did, like, legitimately bad? He, like, moves to China and, like, wrestles there. I'm so sorry.

What did he do? He just said that they're a country and they're not? He said Taiwan's going to be the first country to watch the new Fast and the Furious. And China was like, we want to be the first country to watch Fast and the Fury. Wow, dude, some celebrities just... My favorite was... Because I'm probably doing Cornrose this weekend. My favorite was Katie Perry, like, apologizing for Cornrose.

She's going to cry like a couch. You should film your apology now. and then get your coronerose. I was just gonna do it for fuck. That's so funny, she dated Riff Raff who had Cornrows for like years. She did?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's been some wild sex. Riff Raff just doing metaphors while fucking. He's like ramp game putting your pussy. Oh, that's another MTV show from G's to Gents. Yeah, that's how Riff Ruff got famous.

Yeah, I watched that show. They would take people like Riff Raff and be like, we're going to turn you into a gentleman. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, a bunch of like hood dudes went on a show. like, I don't know who the fuck the host was, but they taught them how to be... It better have been, like, white guys.

It was probably, like, real race. Riff Raff was, like, the only white guy. There were, like, three white guys, and then the rest of them were like... That's just... Wait, wait. I hope it's other black guys, because it'd be very condescending. It's just white guys. Like, we're going to turn you into white guys like us. And they're like, that's pretty fucked up. Yeah.

Riff Raffraff had changed. Jamal. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. Like, here's a bow tie. You know what that is? Yeah.

That's so fucked up. That's funny to think about, like, that like because like there's like I feel like joking racism and then there's people that actually think like that it's like that's a cultural racism you look back and you're like oh that was bad that was a board meeting they were like what if we take black people

and try to make them white and it's like what the and people like keep going keep going and then they ended up with geez to chance oh fuck yeah anyway that's how riffraff got famous and he's lived such a good life from that oh yeah yeah he capitalized

on that shit he's my favorite I love him But was it, yeah, there's a video of Katie Perry apologizing on, like, a couch to a black guy for, like, having a corner. For dating, riffraff? No, for having... I picked the wrong G. I'm sorry. No, for, like, having cord rows and stuff like that.

It's like, I'm only doing it to, like, make fun of riffraff. I'm not, you know what I mean? I'm like, I think it's funny that I'm going to have a mustache and corner of the weekend. And I'm also not positive. I'll get them because, like, I have to figure out a time frame to go do it. You think your hair is long enough? That's going to be fucking hilarious. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I think it'll be long enough. I think so, too. He has dreads now. I used to have Cornaroz, but I don't know if he could do it. But, yeah, I should probably start the apology video now. Yeah, you do it while you're getting. Yeah, I'm sorry, but I'm getting it done like, I can't believe. I'm sorry, I'm devastating other people. Yeah.

Who's going to give you to them? Are you going to go to, like, a... I probably should go to salon. Well, the thing is, the whole, the way this whole start is, I want to get frosted tips, because it's a funny look, but my hair's too long to get frosted tips, so I'm like, corneros another wacky, like, you know what I mean? Yeah. For white people. It's like, coroneros and black people, classy look, but white people looks fucking ridiculous. Like you get a mullet. That's a good idea.

You look great in a mullet. All right. Yeah, but you can rock a mullet. I kind of like that to you. It's like, you should get a mullet? It's like,

really, guys? No, yeah, you fucking idiot. Why'd you get a mullet? No, it would,

dude. You already got like the fucking shit going on in the bag. You would actually have a good mullet, I think. I kind of like this idea. Are you trying to make it in comedy? Well,

I feel like there's already Fio. Yeah, and he would just, yeah, No one in New York. No one in New York has a ball. Yeah.

I love people who see him. They're like, I like Theo, but this guy's in New York. Look how different this is. You got to do this shit here. Yeah. Yeah.

I wonder what's going on in California. I guess things kind of opened up now. Yeah, basketball wise again, it's like kind of full. Yeah, that's cool. We didn't ask about basketball.

I'm just going to be a big to you about basketball. I just bring in basketball at any chance I get. Riffraff's cousin is actually a basketball player. In the NBA? Is it Brian Scalabrini? No, no, That was actually a serious.

I was joking kind of, but also serious. He is. He's on Texas Tech, I believe. Oh, shit. He's like a white boy that can do like 360 dunks. That family. They got a rapping guy. They were like, I don't know what got into them, but it's something interesting.

I don't know. Yeah. I, um, what was that saying? Yeah. What's that? What's up? Just do that for the last 30 minutes. putting the candle

his ass while else what else I have put a candle on my ass one time really? Yeah well it's not like on the butt cheeks

this girl's lighting a cigarette and I thought it was a funny video for me to have to light her cigarette yeah I had a candle it was funny yeah I put too many things in my asses

I was gonna say I feel like you said that and I was like checks out Oh yeah 100% dude yeah I feel like I've done a lot of like

crazy drunk things and you're like that could have gone horribly oh yeah yeah my favorite was one of my friend friend's last memorial day he did a jump we we just like got a scooter from like a rental place at the beach and then he's doing all these cool tricks on it and then we're like dude we got to do a jump

tomorrow and we got hammered and we built this ramp we got all these fireworks and we got this like this dude in a thong dressed as captain america that was just roaming the streets and um yeah we jumped like a kiddie pool and stuff but it's just so funny because we just returned it and like he like jumps it throws like the scooter and then like just return it the next day no problems. Do you hear about some girl 24 years old in New York? This was like a couple days ago. Like just trying to drunk, like

jump from roof to roof and she fell. Really? Oh, she died. How was it a roof party this weekend too? And I was like, I left early and I was like, oh, that was... Yeah. That's what, like, I feel like, yeah. That's Spider-Man's fault, dude. Yeah. She should have saved. That movie made that shit look so cool. That's so funny, though, when people, they'll say like movies inspire people to do shit, it's like, yeah, but people are also fucking stupid.

Yeah. It's like, if I see Batman and I start like fighting clowns. People were like, wow. I thought he was the Joker. It's like, it's not fucking Christopher Nolan's fault. Yeah. A little bit of the video games thing,

I think is true. As much as people don't want to admit it. I don't think it's true. I don't. I think it steers people away from violence because you're like, I'm inside all day. Do I mean, you go outside? You go outside. Like, what the fuck is this?

Dude, I'll steal a car and not care because of Granthept Auto. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Beat up hookers. Yeah. Yeah. And then you fucking, like, you try to get in

and you're just like running into the car for five seconds and then you get it to the car. Dude, I love it when in GTA, specific characters will want their car back. Yeah. It's like the tough looking NPCs that just walk around will just be like,

I'll give me my motherfucking car back, bitch. As you're speeding by. Can you do, isn't there one where the guy gets drugged with a bunch of ketamine or something? Yeah, like does mushrooms or some shit. That's fun. I was never a big video game guy. I love that. Yeah.

I spent all my life playing that shit. I used to think, like, dude, am I going to be like, am I going to regret playing all these video games? I'm like, hell no, dude. This shit's tight. I think my time wasting is jerking off. I spend so many, so much time doing it. Especially when I was prescribed Adderall

because I just take it for hours and just jerk off. You get really into jerking off. But I just look at all those hours I spent together. I'm like, I could have done something with that time. How long does it take you on Adderall? For a sesh? A shesh. A regular sash.

When I was on Adderall, anywhere from an hour to four. Not even kidding. What? Hell yeah. How much time, how much time? Now it's like 20 minutes. What are you doing for?

Are you looking for videos? Are you? Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I jerked a little bit. You gotta find the perfect one. Of course.

I get that. Of course. Yeah, I am like the goalie locks. 10 perfect ones. I'm like, this one is too many bears in it. Have you saved some and been like,

I'm gonna come back? Yeah, of course. My whole, what do you? I don't think I've saved an important article besides, like, like, it's just born.

It's like, have you ever done this? I know about this? Did I save porn? No, you guys, like, apparently you're addicted to porn? No, I'm not taking the porn. The problem is I'm taking the Adderall, so now I only jerk off for 20

minutes a day. That's good. Although that's basically, that's like my max. The Adderall was like the issue, because what happens is you can't get hard, so you just have to watch porn for hours and hours. And you get, you get so into, like, if you brush your teeth on Adderall, you'll brush your teeth for like 45 minutes. Oh, yeah.

I am prescribed. I don't really take it, though. I don't like it. Yeah, I don't like it either. That's why I've been taking like four months. What are you going on? Porn Hub? Sometimes. Depending.

You ever hit up Celebrb Jihad? What's a good one? It's like celebrity nudes. That doesn't sound like a porn website. That sounds like a celebrity leak. Yeah, yeah. But it's cut. They're all like, that's porn.

They're like, it's like, uh, Jennifer Anis in a movie. Do they have J.K. Simmons? I like that guy. It's, yeah, it's mostly dudes. I need pictures of Spider-Man. Yeah. Isn't that person write Harry Potter? No, that's J.K. Rowling.

Jake K. Simmons is like the dad from Juno. By the way, he's also in Farmers Insurance commercials, I believe. Ellen Page, or Elliot Page, fucking six-pack. Yeah, dude, I was like, I might do that. I'm at, like, I don't know if she's... Oh, no, I'm saying, like, whatever she's doing. He? He, sorry.

It's hard. It's hard. Hold that fucking mic right. I'm sorry. I'm trying to be good about it. But, like, that's the thing where I look at that. I'm like, oh, that's definitely a dude. I'm like, that's a dude.

Oh, for sure. But it's funny because, like, in my head, I can call him, Elliot. easier than I like just by accident say she yeah I mean like I make it easier if it was a totally different name like I haven't called Caitlin Bruce like ever because the names aren't that similar but it's like kind of like that's true that's a good point yeah yeah but I get that it'd be an easier transition just yeah yeah yeah I think it's easy if someone switches the from he or she to he or she but the day them thing is like it's just so hard to say that yeah yeah yeah I meant like Literally.

Would it be easier for you if they just all stayed their gender? You fucking. Yeah, look in your underwear. Oh my God. You know, it's funny. I was on Facebook and I saw someone, this like person from the high school I went to, super like Republican shared a really like fucked up a picture of like fucking just like some pro police shit. But it was like fucked up. And I went on that Facebook page and I and this person posts like the craziest memes. And one of the memes was how do you stop gender confused?

look in your underwear. You're welcome. Jesus Christ. Because if somebody who's transitioning, he's like, that's so easy. Like I always said, you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. Like anybody, yeah, anybody's like,

oh, thank you. That's how that checks out. Dude, I want to do it. Because, like, the sports thing I'm on the side of, like, I think you should, like, whatever gender you're porn, that's kind of the sport.

Or make more leagues. Yeah, yeah, I'm totally cool with that. But it's like, I also don't care enough to be, like, getting mad on, like, oh, in my high school? I'm like, I don't give a shit about high school sports. It doesn't really matter. Yeah.

a sketch where it's like they them like uh who's on first but they them oh they're like and it's like they're coming and it's like okay cool how many and it's like no no no they they're coming and they just keep going on that for a while yeah did i tell you about my sketch that i wanted to do no it's me and jake thought of this yeah i went to go watch a saw movie and we thought like you ever seen saw the new one wait the chris rock one any of them yeah yeah yeah yeah did you see the new one the new one's good i liked it. But just like, so it's like the trap, the guy's in a trap, he's fucking handcuffed

to something or whatever. But the jigsaw killer doesn't want to like kill him or his blood. He just wants his pee. Yeah. So it's like, so it's much to like drink it. It's like the guy sees like a cup and thinks he has to like fill a blood. It's like, no,

I just want your pee. That's the whole. Go over there and have that water. He's just the pervert. Yeah, that's funny. Drink, finger your asshole while smelling it. Do you want to play a game? Yeah, you want to play a game? It's like, I'm not going to do this. It's just pee, pee, please.

There's a feather, half of a banana. Yeah. Yeah, that's weird. There was the saw, and then what was... The weird one was, like, hostile or something like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's kind of disgusting, but it's, like, very true.

That one made me not want to go to Europe. Uh, no, but I know what it's about. I think everybody knows it. That's my favorite key appeal sketch of you seen that one where he's like, dude, I know you from somewhere. He's like, yo, we were part of that same human centipede. I don't want to talk about that. That movie's wild, especially the second one.

The second one is weird as fuck. Is it the same creature? Same idea. But it's so much more like sawy in the fact that they're like, now fucking rip his asshole open and put your head inside and you're like, all right. Dude, what first grader thought of this movie? He was like, what the ass is? We're like sewn together.

And then they shit into the mouth and then they poop and then they drop in the poop. Give this guy money. It's also German. And they're probably into that too. I don't know. Listen, I like European porn. I don't like playing in euros, though. That's my biggest.

I can't believe how into porn you are. I'm not, I'm not that I'd do it. No, I know, but an hour a day. It's like, that's... That was when I was on Adderall. Now it's 20 minutes today. It's like nothing. I could show 20 years.

Prove it. Do it right now. Go to get myself. Go in there. Dude, 20 minutes, come back out. How much time do we got left in the podcast? We got 15 minutes. Don't do it.

Don't do it. I was actually going to jerk off. Have you guys? just like, yeah, man, he's been in there for a second. Have you ever had this happen where you're, like, looking for a specific video that you remember, like, from 10 years ago? Oh, of course. And how many pages? That one you could find, though.

But this one, you don't know the title. You don't know anyone in it. But you just, like, have to search for it. You're like, I've got to fucking find this thing. You're like, four Filipino men in that house. I've probably been on, like, 450th page on Pornhub looking for something. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've done.

And you never find it. Do you know who Lennett the Plug is? No. She's like a porn. You know who Adam 22 is either of you? That sounds like a specific user Like some guy who just posted They're both Adam 22

They're both YouTubers But they date each other And she's like a porn star kind of And she Like bucks of their dudes Girls see they have threesomes every night And like she's on there And like yeah she's on

But anyway There's no way there's girls listening this podcast But I like the girls are like Threesms every night bro Jerking off They will have people on their podcast Just like talking about the industry And just seeing a person in like real life

and then you're like, oh, and then I get to go see your naked. That's awesome. Yeah, that's kind of fun. You're like, oh, I've seen you. Yeah, I see you with like a giant dick in your ass. Yeah, it's a fun time. I was talking to two other people about this about like, would you date a porn star? And I was like, fuck yeah, why not?

Yeah, I would too. I wouldn't do porn with her. I'd be hard if you know what I mean. Yeah. You two know what I mean? You two kill birds would once done that. I'm talking about my penis, guys. Yeah, I don't know.

That would be not, not the struggle. It's so funny how the same conversations have come up a thousand times by podcast. It's like the fourth time somebody's asked you. What do you think about aliens? I think my girlfriend does porn. I don't know. Would you do it? Well, you're doing it.

You don't know. We're just waiting for you to say yes and be like, oh, thank God. Anyway, she does it. Yeah, anyway, check this out. Yeah, we've all been sending it around to each other. Yeah. Also, I, dude, I've had like the fifth crazy interact. Dude, how many times have you walked on somebody smoking, like, weird drugs in the train?

I keep smelling. I'm like, this is not weed and this is not tobacco. I don't see crazy show. on the train, dude. Seriously? We've taken a different train there? Never seen a masturbator. Never seen a masturbator.

I've seen that master, but nobody's getting a good stroke. It's always just some guy looks like he's confused about what's going on down there. Like he's just like punching his dick or something. Yeah, I think they're just kind of like rubbing it like underneath their coat.

Yeah, some guy's just scratching his balls. He's home. It's like, wow, that's disgusting. Like, this is his house. Yeah. He should be able to do whatever he wants. Yeah. I haven't really seen weird shit either.

Although today getting here, I was like, I was, I stopped for maybe one second to get the metro car to get the metro car to get into the thing and some homeless guy walks down he's like, yo, get the fuck on the train, man. And I was like, oh shit. All right, I will. That's pretty funny.

Yeah. I paid a guy last night because I'm barking. So, like, I'm selling tickets on the corner of the street. And this one guy's, like, it's very hard to bark when there's a homeless guy there. Because people are like, I'm sorry, sir, I have no money. I'm like, when I come to a comedy show, they're going to pick. Oh, absolutely. And also, people avoid, like, there's like a radius of like a three feet every homeless person.

Yeah, he has like a superpower. Yeah. He has like a superpower. Yeah. But so I pay. made this guy three bucks. I'm like, he please just go on that other corner and ask for money. Oh, that's smart. He was so nice, though. He's like, you're killing it over there? I'm like, yeah, he's like, you want to drink? I'm like, I'm good. He's like, sweet. Hell yeah.

I think I know who you're talking about too. Yeah, he's very hard to hear. He's like, especially, yeah, I know what he's talking about. It's very rare that you meet a homeless person. He's like, sir, can you just help me out with money? Like, they're normally, like, they're normally, like, freaking the fuck. There's always that can I ask you, what I mean? It's, like, can I ask you something? And then you're like, I, it's like, I'm not going to ask for money. And then they're like, there's no way you're not going to end up. But the worst, I've gotten such a dick in New York because I'm so used to it that I've had somebody just asked me a question. I'm like, no.

Like my headphones. I'm like, get out here. Fuck you. No, I just want another time. Yeah. I'm like, yeah. No. One time a guy asked me, hey, can I, can you help me out?

And I was like, oh, sorry, I don't have money. And he said, I didn't ask for money. And then I was like, oh, so what do you want? He said money. Like, don't try to fucking catch me, dude. On some fucking. That was. My favorite is.

Have you had it where... I bet it where I ignore them and then the guy goes, you drop something. I look away, he goes, oh, so you are listening a motherfucker?

That's great. I would give that guy money immediately. It's very smart. The worst is the one guy, this guy will always come up to me. He's that white guy with dreads on...

I know who you're talking about. He's... Yeah, he's always there. And he'll start yelling right next to my face. And it's so annoying because he'd be like, you motherfucker.

And I'll be like, oh, dude, he's like, I'm not talking to you. He's like, you're great. I love you man And then he's yelling at the imaginary friend next to me

And he's like, these are good people We don't mess with them And I was like It's a constant He'll constantly look I've seen him punch people Yeah, I've seen him try to punch people This is what I saw happen a few days ago

So he's a podcast where we make fun Of homeless people by the way This is I'm defending him completely In this story So he's walking down the street Like you know he's tweaking in shit He's looking around talking And then this other regular guy

In a leather jacket Like well-dressed guy I don't know if he's a regular guy. It's a douchebag, it sounds like. Yeah, he's complete douchebag. He walks by and he's like, hey, what's up, dude, to the homeless guy. What's up, man? And the homeless guy's not, like, listening. And then the guy goes up to the homeless guy and, like, taps him on the shoulder. And then the homeless guy freaks out and he starts throwing punches, you know? Shadowboxing. And then the douchebag is like, what the fuck, bro? Yeah, it's like, you just did. Was this the dude we were just talking about? Who? Yes, yes. It was a guy with the dreads. Yeah, a white guy with the dreads. So, I hope he's not listening to us. He's a huge man

That's why he's a big That's why he likes you He's like he's a guy Don't fuck with this people You heard his podcast So the guy with the dreads is like I don't like people touching me And the guy's like what the fuck dude

Like dude don't fucking touch him Yeah obviously Yeah that's wild You can't touch strangers Especially in New York Especially homeless strangers Yeah That's insane

You're gonna catch a disease And set him off Like why are you throwing punches at me bro? It's like dude Fuck off Yeah What was the point of trying to talk to

I have no idea I have no clue He probably was gonna ask him For money or some shit Yeah Do you have money? I gave one guy a garlic knots the other day, and I was really worried that he took a bite of my pizza, though,

because I had my pizza there, and I left it and I left it was right by the sonless guy. I think he could have. Oh, you already took a bite out of the pizza? I took a bite out of pizza, and then I gave, I'm like, you can have these garlic knots that are in the same box, and then I went off and did something. I came back, and I took a second bite out of the pizza, and I was like,

No, that's fine. You think he would have, like, not? What do you think? He told me he doesn't, like, crust. I'm like, okay. Oh, hey, pizza. I gave $10 to a homeless guy the other day Because I was hung over

The week, I was clap it up Yeah, Thank you Yeah, set off the line You are hero, T.J. I wanted, no, this is my intention. I was hung over, I was waiting for my friend

who was getting coffee And I wanted to give him $10 basically To buy his time and be like, I want to ask. Because I've always wanted to ask. Like, how the fuck are you home? Like, what happened? So I was going to ask him

And he takes some money and just goes away. I was like, that sucked. We used to have one And this guy would tell me we were kids who were walking on his park and he's like August 26, that's my birthday, going to be 86 years old. And then he's like, so basically he's like, my dad was a cop and he'd always bail me out of jail. And I guess that's his dad just got tired of bailing him out of jail.

I think a lot of them have like schizophrenia and stuff like that. And then they do drugs because you have to do drugs to survive on the street. Like if you're going to sleep on the street, it's like you have to be like fucked up. You have to be on heroin, drunk because like that's a very hard surface to sleep on. There's like rats running around. So then I think people that have mental illness also do. drugs to survive, but that just exasperates it. That's a good point.

I never thought of that. You do drugs to make the floor feel softer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then other people, yeah, I don't know. That's a good way to think about it. Actually, other people don't put their trays right in the upright position when they get on airplanes and God punishes them for that. If I was a flight attendant, I would say that

if they're like, why did, like, just hearing about 9-11 happen, you're like, yeah, that guy forgot to put his phone on airplane mode. And that's what's what it happens. Did you see this thing that's going through Instagram? People are posting on their story about like there's bad cocaine in Brooklyn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's bad cocaine everywhere.

But now it's funny to see like, oh, now I know who does cocaine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, who the fuck would share this shit? It's crazy, though. That's how my buddy died, not coke, but like pills that were cut with fentanyl. It's like everything. That's like one little bit will kill you, right? Fentanyl?

I don't know. I think you could take a little bit. Why is that even out there? It must be a little bit. It's cheap as shit. So it's like you have like one little bit. grain of it and you throw it. I'm not a grain, but like, you know, you have a very tiny amount. You put it in a pill.

People think it's Sannix. So it is like a little bit you could take. Yeah, yeah. But it's like, obviously if you don't know it. That's why I think every drug should be legalized because it's like, most these overdoses are for people taking, they don't know what they're taking. And half the side effects, not half, but it's like, surprisingly a heroin is not that bad for you. Like literally, it's physically not that bad for you. But it's like,

it's cut with other shit that you're injecting into your arm. So that's like a lot of, like, the issue with a lot of these drugs. And then the overdose, is a lot of times are like, everything's called with fentanyl. Black market. Yeah, exactly. So it's like, if you go to a store and be like, oh, here's this store, I'll go grab this. It's like, then you know. Yeah. And if you had a box, it's like, it's very hard to gauge cocaine.

But if you had like a box, it's like, this is the dangerous amount of cocaine, then you know. Yeah. It's like, yeah, you still might die, but it's like alcohol we regulate to the extent that people aren't, like, drinking moonshine having no idea what's going on. Right, right. You think there's a guy that's like, there's fucking crack in my fentanyl. Yeah.

What the fuck is this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be weird that I'd just go to the store and just be like, let me get one cocaine, please. Yeah, yeah, but that's how I think it should be, but I do too. That's like my only political view, though, but you just sound like a dickhead when you're like, I don't we should fucking legalize all drugs. If they just legalized cocaine, they'd probably just put it in energy drinks. Yeah, yeah.

It wouldn't be like, could I have cocaine? It'd be like, hey, could I have a Red Bull cocaine flavored? Yeah, yeah, exactly. That'd be sick. Somebody was telling me, I think it was either Rand Paul or Ron Paul, one of those libertarian patriots out there, motherfuckers. You talk to Rand Paul? No, no. He was talking. He was giving this speech, I guess, at like a thing.

And it was a bunch of, it was like a Republican convention. And then he was like, I think you should legalize heroin. I think it was the dad, whatever the dad is. Oh, I've heard this. It's Ron. Yeah. And he's like, oh, I think we should legalize heroin. People are like, what? So you think you should do heroin? He's like, okay, if heroin was legal, would any of you guys do it?

And they're like, no, he's like, yeah, exactly. It's a good point. Because like, what dumb ass is you'd be like, yeah, I would do it if it's legal. Like, that's just what's stopping me from shooting up. If it was legal, and I might actually, if there was like, all right, go try it. Because now it's safe. Yeah, but at the end of the day, it's like, I still would not do heroin. Yeah, I wouldn't become a heroin addict.

But, you know. I'd have some fun with it. I mean, you put a candle up your ass. You're going to tell me you wouldn't try heroin drunk one night? Who knows? Actually, candle up the ass probably way worse than heroin. I don't want to be a heroin guy, though. You know what I mean?

I guess there's different kinds of heroin guys. I feel like you just become, I don't know. Right. Not as fun to hang out with. Coke guys are fun. Yeah. There's a fun way to ruin your life. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Do it right. There's a message out there. Do coke. Just uppers, you know? Be a fun guy. Rewing your life, but have fun, dude. Exactly.

That's got to be so funny. I was thinking about that. Like, comedy. It's got to be so weird to be an alcoholic and have your wife and kids leave you. Because like, when I'm drunk, I don't care about anything. That's got to be a funny moment where they're walking away. You're like, look that kid's face. I'm a fucking idiot.

Like, I feel like I would be, like, if my life collapsed because of alcohol, I would be giggling my way out. I'd be like, look, look at this fucking. oh they're taking my kid away I'm gonna make a peanut butter jelly sandwich fuck yeah dude are there more beers in the bag of shit

now my son won't drink them yeah like it was annoying as shit can we get some strippers up in here and then you suburb up you're like this is a disaster but that moment's probably I don't know

yeah if you're drunk it's probably fun oh yeah exactly I think we're probably gonna end there though where can they find you online TJ just T-EJ you know a podcast

didn't you no we stopped Oh, what happened? Honestly, like, the quarantine kind of ended, and I was just like, all right, whatever. Yeah, okay. We might do it again. I don't know.

Yeah, I don't think they will. Nothing stopped Michael Good from doing his podcast. It was like a quarantine thing. It was fun to do, no comedy, but now, I don't know. It's just, I don't know, whatever. We'll see. Yeah, yeah. Hopefully that comes back.

You could find me on Celeb Jihad. I did see you there. Fuck yeah, dude. Arden, X. You can find me at the grizzly pair. Tonight? Tonight? Oh, yeah.

Well, this is going to come out on Sunday. All right. So tonight, guys. You're there every night, basically. Yeah, every night. All right, that's it, guys. Everybody, you know, be safe out there. Don't do heroin.

Do heroin. Do cocaine. Sponsored by heroin. Yeah, there we go. All right.