Morning Good - Thank God Bro, I'm Tryna Kill Myself - Episode 44

Episode Date: September 26, 2021

Big thanks to Charlie, Jack, and Heinrich Von Strobel for coming on the show. Make sure to give everyone a follow to see all the shows they have coming up. Charlie's on Instagram @charliedcomedy so check out him and @waytoozesty.tv. Jack is on Instagram and Tik Tok @thejackreichart and also has a book called ha: laugh at why you're laughing.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to Morning. All right. We are here with Charlie Dawson. Hi. Hello. I am Charlie Dawson. And Jack Reichert.

Hello. I'm Charlie Dawson. And we're going to start with, I got a call from this company, so we're going to prank call these guys. It could be really bad. It could be really bad. It could be really good, though. Yeah. Maybe Michael good.

All right. Hello? I'm very good. How are you? Yes, this is Heinrich. Yes, tell me. So just a little bit about myself. So I lived in Argentina for a couple years, and then now I live in California.

What about you? Even more. Oh, I love sitting here. Vaux-DISN had some very good ideas. If you know what I mean. Oh, of course. Yeah, that sounds like me. Maybe my father. So he, we were from Germany originally,

but then we lived in Argentina, father a little bit. But he, yeah, the balance is probably him. Okay. I'm not sure. So I work in the adult industry. We make videos. You've probably seen some of them. Yes. Okay. That sounds like that sounds like.

sounds perfect, thank you. Heinrich. Heinrich von Strobo. Yeah, yeah. This is just going to take for every breath to be online. Oh, perfect. It's so hard because he has like a Mexican accent. It's probably so hard for him to understand

a German accent. Can he hear us? It's on mute. Oh, good. They're really needing to the Spanish. They got a... What if this just takes 30 minutes and I completely waste all the air time of this podcast?

What's you trying to sell you? I think it's like a mortgage or something. Okay. And they're passing off phones. We do need a house to do some fuck in it. Yeah, we do. Yeah. Man, I hope this does not waste too much air.

Well, I mean, how are you guys doing? I'm doing pretty good. I'm sweaty. Yeah. It's sweaty season. Everyone's sweaty. Yeah. I feel like it's gotten more humid.

Yeah, a little bit of humidity going on. Yeah, like I'm so sticky. You could throw me into the wall and I would just be there. I'm so sticky little. I'm so sticky little kids, like, shoot me at their teachers. And then I, you remember those little things that you shoot at your... No, little kids shoot guns at their teachers now. It's a different error.

There were, like, a couple shootings over the last couple days. Oh, thank God. Really where? It's wherever. There was one in, like, a grocery store, and there was, like, a school one. They just go kind of unnoticed now. Yeah, truly. I get, like, a notification on CNN, and I go shooting, and I don't care.

Yeah. Well, it's like... Unoriginal. The picture of the game... Sounds good. But, no, I like, the video of the, it was so funny, though, because they had a video of, like, the cop that goes in. And the guy had a snapback, sunglasses and I'm like, that's so, which is, it wasn't like a cop. It was like a, like a special.

Yeah, like, which is so funny because he just looks like, like, like the fratiest guy. Yeah. That is fair to, like, send him to a school, though. He can, like, relate to the kids. He, like, flips the chair around the other way. How much does he have to relate when he's shooting him, though? He's like a youth pastor. He's like, yeah, well, he's going to talk him down off the ledge.

Yeah. He's like, hey, let's chat. Yeah, no problem. Hi, this is Heinrich. How are you? No, it's Heinrich, but very close. Sorry. No problem.

Thank you. Very nice talking to you. Have a good day. Hi. Hello? Hi, I'm speaking. Heinrich von Strobo. What about you?

Ah, very nice to me. Very good voice. Oh, that's very cool. Do you like your job? Yes. Oh, hell yeah. I like my job, too. I shoot film.

California is very good for that. Like, me and my friends, we get crazy every night and take videos. But, yeah, tell me more about this mortgage. I go to practice the accent, I'm not quite there. You can still hear American in it. Exactly. Are you looking to accomplish with the refinance? Oh.

So actually, my father is a homeowner. So we have both from Germany. Well, actually, Argentina. We lived there for a couple years. you know how that goes. And yeah, so basically, but he's in a different business than me. So my thing is like I shoot the videos, but he is involved in something else.

He worked for NASA for a little bit, but it's a little bit off the books. But what was the question? I'm sorry. Are you looking to? Yeah, like 15 sounds good. I like this sounds like that. Yeah, 15 years sounds good.

I like that. I like that a lot, actually. So looks that we're going to be going. Yeah. So I heard that you're all in California. Are you by the Disney vault? Oh, my God. I love Walt Disney.

He's my favorite man. He has such good ideas. If you know what I mean. Yeah. He's got the good ideas. But then the meteor gets on it. And they get so greedy. But anyways, what is the question.

So the one question I have for you, one second. The one question I have for you is And what about interest rates? I feel like I should hang up. It's a poor kid. Yeah. Yeah, about the address. So there's a couple things we like to keep off the books

because of some things my far service involved in. But I might be able to get you an address. Let me see here. I can look through in California. Let's see here. Get out of that. No, no, not now. Not now.

Put the pants on. Put the pants on. I'm sorry about that. Put the pants on. And we're not shooting now. Sorry about that. So my address is 1,200 Gettys Central Drive, Los Angeles. Is it like a museum?

Is it a Holocaust museum? No. That would be so funny. No, no. That must be the wrong address. Fun second. Fun second. This neighborhood's a little bit rough,

there's a lot of the JCCs around here. It's not my favorite. Let's see. Sorry, my mistake. The beta address is of 100, the Grove Drive, Los Angeles, California. Yes, 100 Grove Drive. For those listening, this is just a Holocaust museum.

Oh, so for the house, like the Van V's Living. Oh, okay. Yeah, that might be a good idea. Okay. One second. Sorry, my bad. I saw this was like, for like offices, my bad.

Yeah. I also, I work out to my phone. As I said, I make videos. It's called stock productions. So we do like kind of stuff for everybody, you know. Like a little bit of stuff with women, men, younger men. You know, just kind of stuff like that. Are you familiar with stock productions?

No, I would say the same thing if I was married. I would say this. He's a musicologist? I'm not a musicologist. No, I'm so sorry. No, that must be a mistake. I would not waste time. Oh, man, that just happened.

Yeah, I wasn't... That was tough. Yeah, it wasn't where you would think... It's not as funny as you think it's getting... No, because he was very serious. Like, he wouldn't bite on anything. Yeah, maybe he just needs to read a book. He looked up your name.

I didn't even know that was a guy. Heinrich von Strobel? And then you go, he's a musicologist? Oh, yeah. Wait, Heinrich von Strobel? I looked it up. Nothing popped up. Also, what's a musicologist?

There's someone who operates on musicians. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. They put the rhythm back into their bodies. Oh, Heinrich von Strobel. Yeah, that is, or Heinrich Strobel. Yeah, I guess I just made up, I guess, from 1800, yeah.

Yeah. Shout out Spencer. Yeah, he did have a nice voice. Oh, yeah. Yeah, really nice voice. Very deep. Yeah, very deep. Yeah, much better than who's that other guy we talked to? Do we even catch his name? Bro, bro, your claws sliding. Your claws sliding. It was a Hispanic guy. I didn't, yeah, I didn't figure out what his name was.

Jeremy? That had to be so hard for him with the, he was saying, he's like, maybe he is from Architina though. So he's like, oh, Spencer got on real quick. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I also like, I lost the, the accents. Like, I can do it sometimes. And sometimes you just lose it. Well, you kept, like, you would hit it in hearts and then you'd say things like, like, uh, or the, or the, and then that'd sound mad English, like mad American. Yeah, yeah, I fucked that. I mean, whatever. Hey, I'm happy to be here.

Happy to have you. Yeah, it was a weird way to start it, but we're here. I, I, I liked that start. Yeah, yeah, it was fun. It was fun. Hell yeah. Oh, man, I think there's gonna be another flash flood tonight. Yeah?

Thank God, bro. I'm trying to kill myself. I'm trying to drown in the waters in New York. If you kill yourself, would you blame it on something like? There's always people. Yeah, yeah, I just joke about it. My dad. You want to know how I would kill myself?

I would go on a Tinder date, and I would leave a suicide note that says that it's my Tinder date's fault, and then I'd kill myself in her bathroom. There you go. I would do the same, but for a hinge, because I'm a little classier. Oh, yeah, yeah, actually, I'm, yeah. You know what it is. I'm a little trash. If you guys seen this new comedy special called You Know What It Is? No.

It's by a Boberna? No, no, no, no. It's Rawls. Definitely not a white guy. Here, let me know what it is. No, he's very much not white. Yeah, yeah. It's the funniest special because it's awful.

You know what it is. Already sounds like a bad special. Oh, yeah. He comes out. I mean, he doesn't get a laugh for, I think the first, like, 15th. What? It's a real comedy specials? Yeah, yeah.

It's, uh, Marlon Wayans. Wait. He's actually, like, funny, though. Well, he's a little old and washed up. But this special is just like everything he says. He's just like, y'all do, y'all do this. Like, y'all miss your mom. Y'all fucking hate your kids.

You all, be in debt. Like, he's just related. the whole time. And it's like, tell a joke. He just keeps like relating and relating and like throwing

information out there. And at one point he goes, my daughter's, my daughter's gay. But you know what? I've accepted it and I'm okay with it. And he gets an applause

in a theater for literally just being like, I like gay people. And he's like, yeah, we do too, I guess. That sounds like somebody who's like trying to like, because there is like a mainstream

audience of like very progressive comedy, which is nothing wrong with that. But it seems like he's trying to reach in it, but he might just be so far. far from it. Yes. He's like a black comic, right?

Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, the black community, like, doesn't, still doesn't really like gay people, right? That's the thing is that he's speaking to his, your community. And, um, yeah. Every, I, I,

I, I just thought the whole, he has a whole bit about how his daughter is gay and he does this five minute spiel about, like, how he's accepted it and this and that and he goes right into, like, some homophobic shit. I know what I mean? He's like,

if she brings home a woman who I don't approve, like, I'm a half, to kick her out or something like that. It's like, you're still not having good thoughts, though. Yeah. He's still like a bad dad. Yeah, exactly. So, um, but I, I opened for him, um, on the road. So everyone check out those special.

He thinks you're, he's daughter, right? Marlonard way, he went away for years and then he went completely insane and thought Charlie was his lesbian daughter. Yeah, I play into it too. Yeah. What's up, daddy? Yeah. His movies are, dude, those like, like, scary movies, those were the

So funny. Was he in scary movie? He made him? No, that was like him. Oh, that's so rad. Yeah, they made great movies. Those are so funny. Yeah, they made

some very funny movies. Yeah, they were kids in the hall. Oh. Without them, Jim, I think Jim Carrey, Jim Carrey wouldn't be a thing. You're thinking of living in color. Yeah, that is what I'm thinking of. Kids in the hall is like Canadians.

Yeah, yeah, no, no. I meant to say in living color. Yeah, yeah. Kids in the living color hall. Yeah. Yeah, full-house. Colored kids in the hall. Living colors in the kids?

Yeah. Yeah, I do got the Django over there. Oh, wait, Charlie, do you want a cup of cake? I brought one. Yeah, sure. I'll wait until after I'm speaking for a little while. You know, it's not an alcoholic, right? Yeah, I couldn't find a clock.

Can I grab a beer? I'm trying to get fucking buzzed, dude. Dude, tear it up. We got Modellos. Yeah. My goodness. we really Alcohol is ruining comedy

That's a theme That's pretty old but I would still drink it So what's how are you two doing? I'm doing pretty well I fucking hate this job though It's like brutal I'm sorry to hear that king Yeah yeah

It's a I'm a receptionist And everybody just talks about How good of a voice I have And I can't be like Well I have a podcast You can check it out It's called Morning Good It's like a play on boners

And your last name Or you're a receptionist It's what I am Oh shit Yeah You work from home on Fridays, though? Tuesdays and Thursdays to work from home? Can you just answer the phone?

Well, no, I'm more of like an office assistant. So I do reception work. But we're not the type of office where people call all the time. We do events. So we're more like reaching out to clients and whatnot. We're not getting like hundreds of, we might get like one call a day. Yeah.

From someone who's like, hey, I couldn't find our saleswoman's number. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. But so, yeah. I basically do like reception work though. Yeah. There was one guy the other day. It was so bad.

This guy, he had. a meeting. He wasn't even like, he was like a client of the company. And the guy just came in, very like myth-bustery looking. I don't like, he looks like... Which one? Both. They all look the same, and they look like Louis C.K. They all look like the same person. But he like, he had this like ponytail. I don't know of how a ponytail,

but just like that same look. Like middle-aged fat guy, ponytail, goatee. Gross. What do you call him? Like... Gay? What? Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay as fuck, yeah. A child of Marlon. Wayans. Yes, yes, exactly. No, what do you call them? I don't know. Like he's got those fucking bands

Not like, what do you call him? Like bracelets, but like he's too old to wear bracelets? Like a Livestrong bracelet or like a bracelet that makes you want to go surfing. Like a leather bracelet. Yeah, yeah. Some of the... Like a tool? Yes, leather vesty kind.

And I, for... He says things like Malady. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very kind of hipstery, but like... Someone who winks. Yeah, yeah. Somebody who holds a door open for a woman and then gets angry when she doesn't talk to him.

Yeah. Maybe. He calls you buddy. If it were losing it. He calls you buddy. He grabs guys by the waist to move them. Yes. Oh, my God.

He rapes you on your 13th birthday. She's a way different one. No, but he, uh, dude, the guy just puts his legs up and then just for like 45 minutes talks about how awesome his company is. He goes, it's really much more than just a company. And I just have to sit here and listen to this guy for hours. Yeah. Yeah, of course we help out with homeless, but I don't want that to be our main thing we're known for. And it was just.

And was he talking to you or just talking to? No, no, he's on the phone. Like one of those is where he wants everybody to hear him. Everybody's talking on the phone. Like someone who reads in public? Yeah. Oh, God. I read in public.

Where? On the train, in the park. At your mom's house? You can read on the train and you can read in my mom's house. You can not read it apart. You don't gain anything from that. It's too distracting. Yeah.

No, I love reading in public. I do feel like a douche, though. Do people look at me like, look at this fucking guy. I'm like, no, I literally just want to read this book. I think people are douching with every book. But I agree. But here's the worst part. When I see someone reading in public, I think the same thing.

Yeah. And then I pull out my book. Yeah. It's brutal. Well, it's the same thing with broie guys. Like, I see them out at like a comedy show because that's like my job almost like these fucking douchebags. But then when I go out the next night, I'm like, what does that? I think we hate what we are.

I really do. Yeah. Because you know it so well. Yeah. You know when like you have a friend, you've known them for years. You kind of hate them. But you still like, like you've known them for so long. It's like that for yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. Like you're like, I know like reading on the train is a part of me, but I also fucking hate that. about me. Yeah. So you see someone else doing it, you're like,

fuck that Jew. Yeah, you know so well. I do say fuck that. That's true. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Are we all Jewish here? No, you two are. You're Catholic? I'm kind of Muslim. Muslim, yes. Devout. You want to know

what my pet peeveh is? Muslims? No. Specifically, when the Muslim taxi drivers pray and they aren't facing Mecca. You're supposed to pray

and face it. They pray while you're driving. Yeah, they actually let Jack drive. Take the wheel. I don't do that. I feel like I should tell them. I was trying to do it.

I was like, I can't do it. Take the wheel. Oh, I'm gonna have fire. Take the wheel, Jack. No, that's like, Nigerian.

Chuck, take the wheel. Take the wheel. Take the wheel. Mike. Jack. Wait, you said he was praying before or something? No, no.

So when you pray, you're supposed to pray facing Mecca. It's a whole thing. And sometimes I see people, and maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm being like an ignorant little bitch. But like, when they're not facing

mecca, sometimes they'll be like facing obviously the wrong direction and it'll just like confuse me. Yeah. Do you have a compass and you're like, that's not Mecca? I have an internal compass that guides me from doing what's right and what's wrong. That was funny. Yeah, it was good.

Like in terms of like laughing. Yeah, that's weird. It's where they pray five times a day. And they pray on children. No, um. That was a pun. It's not even just the Middle East. There are plenty of countries where,

having sex the kids is is normal. Yeah. I mean, this country, it's normal here. Hopefully the U.S. follows suit sometime soon. Dear God, the stigma. Wait, you know how we're like taking in refugees? How funny would that be of a guy just comes with like his like 14 year old wife and we're like, what do we do?

I know it was legal. We're going to help you, but this is, you're not good. Yeah, yeah, this is a, like, how would we deal with that legally? We'd be like, uh... You know, it's funny. I've heard so many, not so many, I've heard some dudes tell me, like, you know, in the Roman times, teachers would fuck their apprentices, and it was like a sign of, like, love and respect. Yeah. The only people who tell me that are, like, creepy dudes.

Oh, yeah. Of course, yeah. You know what I mean? It's never, like, a cool guy who's, like, at the bars telling me that. I'm like, oh, yeah, fun fact. It's always some weird guy who I don't like to look in his eyes. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, see, my thing about, I'm the other side of pedophiles. I'm not QAnonon, but I am, like, the only reason I'm so fascinated by pedophilia because I'm like, dude, they're fucking in the government and yeah. I don't, wait, I don't understand what you just said. So, like, I, that sounded weird. I, like, the subject to pedophilia. You're obsessed with pedophiles. Yes. Not what they do.

But, like, just like the, like, the, like, the, I get, I'm curious about, like, you know, the gut, like, the fact that there are, like, you know, weird cults and stuff, like, like, that kind of stuff is interesting to me. Oh, sure. But I think, I don't think, I don't think it's, like, I don't think, I think rich people just get away with being pedophiles more. I don't think there's, like, a, what's it's a ring. There's no. I mean, Epstein did exist, but there's no, yeah. Illuminati. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, well, I think he was just like a blackmailer. That's kind of what everybody thinks was some of him. Yeah, did you see the documentaries? That man lived off blackmail. Yeah, yeah. Leveraging facts against other people. Yeah. Yeah, pictures.

Good dude. Yeah. He's crazy. My uncle. My uncle is named for Russell. Really? Yeah. Is he also a trial molester?

Yeah. No. Russell's great, honestly. Russell calls me sometimes just to check in. All right. You're not really helping out with your case. Yeah, not at all. Yeah.

So you check in with your butthole? No. Well, it's good to see you, guys. Yeah. I have an uncle. What's his name? He's dead. Thanks.

My uncles are all alive, having a good time. Really? They're all very uncally, too. You know what I mean? Like, one of them, his name is Guy. Oh, great uncle. Yeah. And he very into woodwork, stuff like that.

He's just like an uncle. Into work in your wood? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's what he said to, yeah. But, yeah, no, it is always funny. Is it guy good? No, that would be a cool. He's a different last name. I'm not going to say his last name, but it is a different last name. But I'm like, he's just like a, like, he's fishing.

But he's not like an ass, you know what I mean? Like, not like, he's like a good guy. He's a chill. Guy is a good guy. Yeah. Yeah. I wish I, my family, I don't know if they're good or bad, but they're fucking boring. Really? They're just like the most, I mean, I don't even think they talk. Sometimes when I'm visiting, I just like, they just kind of.

sit there, like, look around. Do you think... I knew somebody like that is very normal, and then they ended up being way off the rails. Do you think that's sometimes the case, always the case, or never the case? Because there are boring people that anger me. Like, I know boring people, and I'm like, you fucking...

Like, how do you not have emotions? That's what that. It angers me, too, because I'm like, let's have, like, let's do a bit, or let's get drunk, or let's play laser tag, or let's do something, but they just kind of sit there, and you read any good books? Yeah. Or people who talk about the weather?

Yeah, I think we started the podcast by talking about it. It was a flash flood. True. Is it really gonna flash flood tonight? I love that idea. Like there's like Hurricane Katrina. You're like, this guy's talking about the weather.

The weather. Yeah. He's like, my wife is dying. It's flooding. You're like, okay. Small talk, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's say get a topic. Get a topic. I always get sayings a little bit wrong. Oh, that's the worst. Especially on stage when you're like. Yeah.

It's up there. You know, you get two birds in one bush. And people are like, that's not what it is. Yeah, yeah. Two shoes. Sometimes you'll still.

get a punchline even when you say something wrong. You guys got the gist of what? Like you still get a laugh. Yeah, if you get the rhythm, dude, you ever just rhythm your way through a joke? Oh my God. He were like, yeah, that is funny. Because what you said it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's John Malaney. Who? John Malaney? Who?

One more time. Marlon Way. Ah, that's the only comedian I know. So Marlon's way daughter is Raven Simone, right? Yeah, yeah. No, that's her son. His son. His daughter. His daughter.

I'll leave. And then there was, there was Corey in the house, too. That one was, like, his dad was like, the chef to the president. Because it's just like, Corey in the house is the black sopranos. I don't know if you guys. Oh, yeah. Really? Does that translate?

No, I didn't. But, like, that's so funny that show because, like, this is like 2004, and they're like, well, he's not going to be a black president. So we'll have his dad be the cook to the president. That's a true that people can understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about having him be the president? No, there's no way.

Yeah, but no way. What are you? This isn't a sci-fi movie. Is he head cook at least? No. No, yeah, yeah. I think he was the head cook. Really?

Yeah, I don't want to like delve too deep into the plot lines of Gordon House and that doesn't help with my... That's So Raven. He was a cook and That's So Raven. Okay, well, I guess they had to translate jobs. They had to be like he was a cook. He's not just going to be president. The thing with That's a Raven is like, if she could tell the future, why couldn't she foresee the show getting canceled? Yeah.

Yeah, it's a good. point or that she was a lesbian. She didn't see that coming either. Is she actually in real life? She is. Wait, her real name is Raven Simone. I don't, I think her, you know how some people are named like Billy Bob or like some, like it's like a two first names? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think Raven Simone is her two first names. I think that officially she doesn't have a last name. Is Raven? There's no way that's true, Jack. Raven Simone's her real name. I'm like 90% sure. It's like Chaudet. Or Zendaya. who's Beyonce sister?

That's her name. Her name is Raven Simone Fulay. Raven Simone, Christiana, Perman, Mayday. That name Oh, so, I was right. Her name is Ravens Simone. What's her character in the show? Which is like, it's like Miley, what's her name in Hannah Montana? It's like,

Oh, her name is Miley Cyrus, but her name in real life is Miley Cyrus. No, no, it's Miley something else. It's Billy Bob, Like they mix up the name just slightly. Can I read a headline I just saw? Yeah, yeah, go ahead. I don't know if y'all are interested in stuff like this,

but this is crazy. New York State Department of Labor employee, one employee admits to stealing over $30, oh, $3 million from the state. State Department of Labor employee. $3 million he stole from the state. Does that mean we're all going to get back in unemployment? They're like, oh, that's right, this is meant to go to.

you. They called me, they pulled that shit with me where they're like, yeah, we actually overpaid you for an employment. Really? I was like, I'm not, I'm not bad. Yeah, I would, no, never, dude. I would fuck that. Never. It's all in my mattress. I took it all. Yeah. Well, it was so funny, because that day I got that, like, it was like, earlier that day, I literally bought season passes. And literally felt like they were like, they were like, yeah, come on.

You can fucking cop it back up. Which six flags? Uh, New Jersey. I haven't gone once. I thought I was going to go all the time, and I've been once. How far is it? There's only 80 bucks that for season passes. Uh, it's like a two hour, hour and a half drive or like that? You know what else is an hour and a half drive? Legoland. No, that's Legoland. Wait, is there really?

Yeah, I love Lego Land. There is a Lego Land that you can take a train to. That's perfect, because you're autistic, you love trains and you love Lego. So you're getting the best of both worlds. Do you guys want to take drugs and go to Legoland? That would be fun. It'd be really fun. What drugs would y'all do for Legoland? See, my thing is, I don't like hallucinjia. I'm weird. That would be

the best thing to do. I'm so weird. I only like the drugs that are bad for you. I like alcohol, Xanax, Whippets, and ketamine. Those are, yeah, those are some of the more brutal drugs to enjoy it? Also, all hard to do in public. I can't be doing, like, bumps of ketamine and Lego Land. I can't be taking... Do you snore ketamine? Yeah, yeah.

Oh. I've only done it like four times, but, like, I basically quit all drugs, besides I would do that again. Bro, you mad, sober. Yeah, yeah. Crazy sober, Michael. Yeah, yeah. Just ketamine and alcohol. You crazy. You crazy. You're crazy. You guys, Marlon Williams. What's name is special?

Damn, my daughter's a lesbian. You know what it is. You know what it is. I was watching with my buddy. Whenever Marlon Wayans would go off on some stupid fucking tangent me and my friend just be like, yo, you know what it is. So at one point he has the stool on his head and he's running around the stage doing an act out with the

stool on his head and getting zero laugh. Sounds so funny. Wait, what is the act out? What looks like a stool on somebody's stuff? There's nothing that looks like that. You ever know when your lesbian dada be sitting on your head? Bro, and it's like five minutes

into the special dude. Me and my buddy were also on a heavy dose of mushroom, so it was so much funny. It sounds amazing. I really want to watch it. I might watch it again. It's so bummed out because I was excited for that. I was like, oh, that's good. He's doing a stand-up again. That's never, nobody has a comeback special besides, like, Chappelle that's like, actually, and I think he

took some seconds to get it. I thought his newer one was better than the last couple. I thought the first couple of words. But I think that, like, happens where some people just like, don't do it for a while, and then they just do a special, and everybody's like, oh, these aren't funny. Yeah. Yeah. You got to keep, you gotta sharpen the sword and all that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, people move on. They should be more like us. Marlon Wayne, he should look up to guys like us. A guy who's made $40 off comedy.

Yeah, he should take advice to me this man who's selling out theaters. I think in my entire life I've made $3 from comedy. Really? Yeah. I think I can confidently say

I've made 300. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah. Like 300 features, hosting, bars spots. Yeah, like 300. If barking counts.

Yeah. than like 4,000. Oh, shit. Okay. I heard you put that on your taxes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Every time I go to the payer, can we, can we say the pair? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every time I go there, people are like, well, yeah, I'm barking, but I'm no Michael good. Truly. They're like, on stage, I'm like, Michael good. Very okay. Barking, I'm not. It's so, it's so annoying being like known for, I mean, I get. For bar. Yeah, you're like, dude, he's great.

Oh, and let me tell you, Michael, that's all you're known for it. Yeah. Do you guys want to play four? the girls, or is that not fun to do? I don't think it's fun to do. Okay, okay. It's all, every question is about a vagina. Do you guys just want to, like, jerk off while we look into each other's eyes? I'm down for that. No, that's, that's fine. Have you ever done that before?

With, with another human? Yeah. Yeah, but Matt was supposed to be here. Matt Blosman. Matt Blosman was supposed to be here. Yeah. Oh, so I'm the second choice. What would he be? What would his name be? Jack, Jack, Reckter. Reckton. Jack, Rector. Jack, rectum hurts. That's good. That's good. I'm Michael Goodbusy. We're doing all... Oh, yeah. Charlie Dawson.

Charlie Dawson, I don't approve of your lifestyle. Yeah, that's fun. I mean, I'm like kind of gay, so... What? I am kind of gay, so... Well, that's the... The names all have to be... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what's funny is my dad doesn't approve or disapprove

because he's not around. Oh, shit. There you go. Takes a lot of pressure off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a lot of pressure. Shut up pops. You know, I feel like there's less unaccepting moms. My mom's... My mom was mad weird about it.

I told her in high school. I was like, I think I might be gay and she goes, I don't think you are. Oh, shit. Whoa, okay. And then she goes, even if you are, I wouldn't tell people because it makes life way harder. Oh my God. I was like, this has set me up for some

toxic relationships in the future. And I moved out of there. Shit. With a dream. Damn, that sucks. Yeah, I didn't mean to bring down the tone. I'm sorry to hear about that. Thanks, guys. No, no, no, I really didn't mean to bring down it. Let's bring back up the toe.

And Marlon Wayne's is a fucking hack. No, Marlon, if you're listening, I love you, Daddy. Is your mom, is she cool about it now? She actually called me there a day. She goes, I made a new friend. And she goes, I was so proud of myself because my friend told me that her daughter's a lesbian. I goes, was your friend Marlon White's. Then she goes, my new friend told me her daughter's a lesbian, and I was so cool about it.

It was like, how could you not get her? It was like, also I was like proud of. You just should be. You don't get validation from being. being nice to... Oh, yeah, yeah. So I go, if you want to help with this friendship, you can tell them about my situation.

And she goes, I'd rather not. Well, that's... Wait, we mean situation, like you're... Oh, I like me being by, yeah. It's also funny that you have to dress that as a situation. Yeah, the whole thing that's going on with me. The camps didn't work. Yeah, that's wild.

Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Yeah, it's funny because people always say they're like, oh, dude, it's always be gay now. It's like, or buy, it's like... It's still... tricky. Yeah, it's definitely easier probably. It's way easier. Yeah, in the 80s and 90s, you'd get the shit beat out of you. Yeah, yeah. You get killed.

Yeah, I mean, gay marriage wasn't legal to like 2006. Yeah, I didn't agree with it. Wait, whoa, whoa, way after that. Yeah, it was like 2011. Yeah, it was like 2011. Oh, really? Yeah. Like, did you get married before that? I did, yeah. Okay, we'll keep that off the books. Yeah, well, I will. That'll be a weird rule. We still have to throw you in jail if you did it before. Yeah, yeah.

You get, like, grandfathered in? Yeah. Do you guys remember Maclemore's song? Like, what's that? Thrift shop. No, no, the one about being gay. Oh, yeah, he thought he was gay. And then he was like, I thought he was gay because he was good at drawing. It's like, he was just drawing anises. He won a Grammy for that.

Really? Yeah, and then he performed it at the Grammys and they married like 42 gay couples. Yeah, yeah. No, nothing matters. Yeah. That exists in the world, nothing matters. Yeah. Wait, I kind of look at the lyrics.

Yeah, I think it's called. When I was the third grade, I thought I was gay. Oh, that one. Yeah, and then he literally said, I thought it was because I could draw good. And then he compares it to, like, his uncle who's gay. And then his mom, and then the line goes, Ben, you've been loving girls since before pre-kate. Oh, yeah. His mom's like patting him on the back for getting pussy.

She's like, it's so funny, too, because it's like, I think the song lyrics basically like, people call them gay or said he was like a faggot. And in his mind, he's like, oh, that must mean I'm gay because somebody else called me. You know what I'm like, nobody's like, you're gay. I mean, I have no way. I'm not gay. but I assume it would be like, hey, man, you're gay. And you're like, oh, am I? Because this guy said, I think it's, that's the only reason I am.

As someone told me. And I was like, well, I respect him. Yeah, yeah, yeah, got to listen. He seems like he knows what he's talking. Yeah, yeah, smart guy. What are these lyrics? When I was in the third grade, I thought I was gay because I could draw. My uncle was, and I kept my room straight.

Good word. Good play onwards. I told my mom tears rushed down my face. She was like, Ben, you've loved girls since before pre-K. So when he was like, what's before? You were like four in pre-kings. So when you were three, you love girls? Tripping, yeah, I guess she had a point, didn't she?

A bunch of stereotypes on my head. Remember doing the math. Like, yeah, I'm good at Little League. Idea of what it meant. For those who liked the same sex had characteristics, the right-wing conservatives think it's a decision, and you could be cured with some treatment and religion, man-made rewriting.

Okay, yeah, you got it. she keeps me warm that's the chorus oh yeah yeah yeah we got to accept from column each other faggots behind the keys of message boards a word routed in hate yet our genre still ignores it

gay is anonymous with let's get it's not in rhyming at that point at that point he's just being preachy yeah yeah yeah yeah do you guys remember when Eminem said homophobic things then Elton John performed Stan yeah yeah yeah well I also think like it's so hard with so some music

is just definitely homophobic, especially rap. Like, there are lyrics like that, it's just homophobic. But Eminem, music's so weird. It's like,

because I think some of what people talk about is like, it's kind of like, I think in some ways his rap is really similar to comedy because sometimes he's just talking about like absurd thoughts in his head and they're not necessarily like actually like actually like actually planning on doing this stuff. So it's like he in a weird,

you know what I mean? I think it might be good. Well, it's similar with like comedy too where like if you're talking about it, if you're making a joke or a play on words or something, that could be perceived as homophobic. If it's, like, funny or it sounds good, like, like, musically, I don't know.

That was the point that, you know, you pulled it off. Yeah, yeah. I don't get, I never get angry at. Like, if one of my buddies calls me a fag, I'm like, yeah, dude, fuck it. Yeah, yeah. Like, because it's silly, it's a bit. Yeah, you know what I mean. And it's only funny because you know that's not what you think.

That's the thing. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of people who never say anything homophobic, but I, I can tell they think certain things. Yeah. They're weird around me. And I'm like, well, you're worse. I have a buddy who calls me names and makes jokes, who embraces me when I need it.

So it's like, I'd rather the latter, you know. Yeah, because that's the thing is like, I feel like the whole thing, especially with saying something funny, it's like, it's so weird that there are certain things that people don't take ironic. Like, if you could be like, oh, man, everybody understands that if I say like, I'm going to kill you. Like, you know, there's certain expressions you say like, and then people are like, oh, he doesn't mean that. And it's like, yeah, that's why it's because it's like this. You know what I mean? It's like not. Yeah.

Yeah. That was a weird example. We got really preachy. Yeah. This started with me being like, do you want to jerk off in front of each other? Yeah, yeah. Let's dive in deeper.

What's into being gay, though? Yeah. Where does it come from? I think it's a Greek thing. Yeah, that's what, that's what everybody thinks. Being gay. I don't think it was around before the Greeks.

I heard a weird theory about Greek, because I'm crazy in the fact that I really believe this alien conspiracy that it's going to relate to gay stuff. 9-11s in there. Yeah. Well, so it's like, there's a theory that, like, the aliens had sex with, like, hominids. Yeah, and created human beings. But there's a weird theory that, like, the Greek, all the mythology is about aliens because they're, like, coming, their god.

The gods fuck the human beings. And, like, create these, like, offspring. People think that's, like, a weird thing. The fuck, Michael? What the fuck, bro? I'm talking about UFOs on every episode. People are going to follow down. through.

Wait, I think I got it. So you're saying, like, Greek mythology and, like, the whole concept of demigods is, like, The Greek gods are aliens. They come down and they would sleep with humans. And then there would be like these weird little hybrids of like superheroes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the theory is that like dad's misconstrued and basically they're having sex with like the ant. Because it's always like, it's never like, oh, hey, Zeus just had sex with us.

Like our way back in hundreds of years ago. Zeus had sex with our ancestors and then created that. Yeah. That's like the theory with that. Daddy Zeus could get it though. Dude. Daddy. Wait, he's, is there a son's or are you just being daddy?

just, oh, I'm just being gay. Oh. Do you like bearded guys? No. I don't even like guys. This is all the front. Just you can say homophobic stuff on my podcast. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't not like bearded guys, but I'm not into like bears or like

because I'm like a twink. I'm categorized because I'm skinny and shit. So a lot of like there's like a trope that a lot of like twinks like big guys and I fucking hate it. I don't like big dudes. We probably also have big dudes commandee because they think that's like like I know I know a lot of black dudes that will have

fat white girls hit on them and they'll be like yo this is not what I'm into. Same shit. Yeah. And then there's other, I'm into other twinks people like me and but they don't pay attention to me. Because they think they're like oh he's, he's into another thing. So there's all these fucking miscommunications and then no one has sex. And then

the result is no one has sex. Yeah. It sounds very complicated. Yeah. They should make an app for that. They do. Yeah. It's Facebook. Yeah. Is there a lot of, there's probably not on Facebook, right? What?

Gay sax hookups? I think it's mostly like old people on Facebook. A lot of grinder. I think that's what Facebook was initially for that. Really? No, Facebook literally the Facebook was a thing in Harvard for like Harvard students to flex on each other. To be gay. Yeah, but okay.

Yeah, not like in a gay way though. Yeah, in a straight way. Yeah, I mean, some of the might have. This was before gay thing. There's just like a skull and bones like group chat. Yeah, yeah. There was no gay as. 2011.

Isn't there some country like that where they have like zero gay and they're like proud of it. It's like some homophobic like country in the Middle East. They're like, yeah, we have like zero gay people. Oh, yeah. I think that God, I don't remember what it was, but I know that there's one country in the Middle East that has so much money that if you're gay, they pay for you to transition. So that way you're not gay. Yeah, yeah. I think it's, I think it's, I.

Wait, but then you have to transition even if you're not trans. Yeah. So Iran is so weird because I think it's Iran. Correct me if I'm wrong in the comments. Can I say my favorite rack? rap line is she asked for Iraq so Iran. Oh, I like that.

That's great, dude. Hell, yeah, I keep going. Yeah. I think it's Iran. They have the most gay, or, uh, transitions because it's a lot of gay men. They want to have sex with their husbands. And so they're so progressive, but not, so they've got their transgender stuff, they're on board with, like, yeah, that's a woman.

But like, they're like, not like homophobic. Yeah, yeah. That's so weird, bro. Which that's got to be so hard, because I feel like I know trans people that are gay men originally, and then they transition to become straight women. Yeah. That's got to be so hard because you tell your dad, you're like, oh, I'm gay.

And he's like, oh, that's, you know, probably has an issue with it. And you come back, you're like, I'm actually not gay. And he's like, yes. And then you're like, I'm trans. He's like, fuck. Yeah. That's funny. It's a roller coaster.

Speaking of roller coasters, uh, you want to go to six flags soon? I want to go so fucking bad. Yeah, dude. But I don't know how to get there. Like, the only person I know with a van is Ivan and like, it's just going to be me and him. I like Ivan, but like, I don't, I know very few people with cars. Yeah, I might get a car. Dude, as far as comedy, it helps so much

because you could drive other comics like people that get like a lot of featuring jobs because they're like, oh, okay, you can drive me. And you can go on the road without paying. Oh, yeah, exactly. Planes are expensive. How much is a car?

I have like 200 in my account. A little off. It's like at least 3,000. Ah, fuck. Yeah, I thought about it. I mean, it's like one of those things that it's so hard in New York City to have a fucking car, though.

Do I hear we're going to get a flash flood. tonight. Yeah, yeah. The last one sucked. It was kind of good, though, because the last one that happened is the comedy seller got flooded and so did Greenwich Village, and so much people just came to the pear. Which is awesome because we're like, yeah, we'll do a show. A pair didn't flood? No, because it's only like a couple steps down. Oh, sure.

Yeah, yeah. It's like they actually, yeah. They did well. Yeah, yeah. They've been, like, very well with that kind of stuff. I like the last flash flood. I stayed inside. I smoked weed and watched the Simpsons. That sounds amazing. Which season? I'm on season nine, but back then I was on the end of season 8. Wow.

Yeah. I try to watch a few episodes a day for my mental health. Yeah. I need to get into a show. I need some escapism. Like I've fantasized about canoeing with my buddies just to get out of the workday. It's like almost crazy, but I'm like, ah, man, fucking Johnny's there with some beers.

And then, you know, so-and-so's got this going. And I'm just like, it's so funny that I have to, like, literally put myself somewhere else because of how much I hear her. Just associating. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. My grandma has a canoe. She lives in upstate New York.

dude let's fucking hang out with her if we want to coordinate a canoe trip I would love to like my favorite is like in Florida we just like because driving a boat you can only do so drunk then it starts to get dangerous so we would just go on the canoe and you just fill it up with beer and just canoe and smoke weed and just go out on the

fucking it's amazing like it's the most fun ever and we have this island in the middle of our lake called dog island and so you would go out there and you get so drunk that you come back like at nighttime and then you go out to the bars afterwards after you've been on the lake light it's the just oh I love that man I grew up in like roaming to North Carolina. It's like a beach town as well.

Oh my God. We had an island called Palm Tree Island. So same shit. You go out there. You get fucked up all day. You come back to the beach bars. It's the great, like, the best is that moment where like you're drunk and you come home and you're eating your parents' food. You're about to like go out. Everybody's kind of coordinated plans. What do we do? In high school coordinating plans was the most fun thing. Oh my God.

We're up here. We'll be up with that group. We'll get these stuff. We'll go there. It's so much fun, bro. Dude, it's the great. It's like, it's a hard thing honestly to like detach from it. It's like in New York, it's so hard to figure out. I think I'm slowly getting in a routine and enjoying stuff.

But it's also like, dude, I do, like, I don't know. It's a hard thing where it's like, just hard to find time to like enjoy it. That's why like I'm like, I'm like no time. I have no time. I'm tired all the time. You're like I watched 10 hours of Simpsons a day. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

That's why I'm so tired. Yeah. So much Simpsons. No, it's like, dude, if I could fucking the day job stuff, just fucking. I know it's like you have to. But it's just so. Do you though? Do you?

Because everyone says you have to. I'm starting to think you really don't fucking have to. Yeah, some people Unless you can like make money otherwise or just be poor. Well, the problem is they raised our rent So much fucking money, dude.

What are you paying here, Michael? We were paying $2,000 a month, me and my girlfriend, we split it. They raised it $600. Oh, that's psycho. So you're paying $1,300 each? Yeah. Brutal.

Yeah, so my savings are just out the window. Yeah, it's fucking nuts. Holy shit, buddy. You're it. I'm in the Upper West Side. And how much you're paying? $8.50. Oh, that's fucking gorgeous.

Yeah. How's the place? It's nice. It's a studio. Oh, nice. Yeah. Shared bathrooms, though, so I have to deal with other men's piss and shit all the time.

Oh, yeah. But I'm used to it. That's my other fun name. Graham Cooper. Mm-hmm. Cram Pooper. That's it. Jason David came up with a lot of these.

I'm not going to take credit for them. Dude, that's so funny. Jason David's... My favorite was LGBTJ Francis. Yeah, for T.J. Francis. That's funny. I liked mine. Jason Dave videos of guys having sex

That one took me a minute to gay I very much enjoy it But I like the ones they're like It's like you don't have a joke But you're just like forcing the last You're like this is something right My I roasted a buddy in mine Like a few years ago

And his whole thing with me was Charlie Dawson More like hardly awesome They fucking crush dude It's still what he calls me I love it It's endearing There's something so funny about those just like childish jokes like yeah

Oh, yeah. Dude, your Max Halpert roast was, or not Max Halpert, the other guy that you did the Max Halpert jokes for. Oh, Omar? I thought that was hilarious. Wait, did you write for Max Halpert

and got mixed up? No, so I wrote for Max, and I did this bit where I was roasting Omar Jenkins, and Omar's so funny. I love Omar, but they're very different people. Omar's like a young black kid.

Max is like an old Jewish, like failed actor, so they're complete opposite people. I did like my Max jokes for Omar. You know what? I'm thinking it would hit really hard because they're so, like, So Omar's Jewish.

And it fucking bombed, dude. I thought... I mean, did you see the video? It's on YouTube. I mean, if y'all want, look of comedy fight club, Charlie Dawson. I mean, y'all can see me eat a dick on stage. And then the judges fucking flamed me.

Truly, who's judging? You got into overtime. Yeah, we did get an overtime. And I almost won. I truly almost won for not writing a single joke for him. I thought the premise was very funny. Yeah, did you do it for somebody else? Sorry?

No, well, you're doing... you said that's like, I'm sorry, what? No, well, you said the Max Howard Jones. Yeah, yeah, I do it for someone else. You know what the miscommunication was? Is a lot of the setups had little to do with who Max was as a person. Yeah. And so it just seemed like lazy.

If all the setups were like, so Omar is Jewish, like that one got a pop. And then none of the other ones really got a pop. Because they were all just like, he's from L.A. And it's like, yeah, Omar could have been from L.A. Yeah, it's hard. So my execution of the bit was wrong. But hey, if you're a comedy fan, And I know, here's the thing.

If you're a comedy fan, you love watching a good bomb. You really do. If y'all want to see a fucking solid bomb, go watch me on Fight Club a couple weeks. It's a bomb, buddy. I mean, I love it. Oh, I'm excited.

It's part of it. I will watch it. Yeah. I'll pull it up. So, that was fun. It was a abrupt ending. I am excited, though. I am going back home for Thanksgiving,

and I'm like, I did want to go to medieval times and get really drunk there. Oh, you should do that. There's something that feels so good about being so drunk in a place you're not supposed to be drunk at. It's just hilarious. Child infirmary. Yeah.

Right? Right. Guys? Guys? I'm Greek. But that is, like, it's just so funny. Like, I remember the best is like in college, I would, uh, I would be, I always get be drunk the next day.

It's not like I'm drunk now. I'd always be. I was. I get A drunk the next day. Okay. You get what? You said, I'll always get B drunk the next day. And I said, I'll get a drink.

Yeah, A drug. Yeah. So I'm happy to be here. Yeah, we're happy to have you. Killing it. There's a fly going on. But I'll be in class, and then I'd just be trolling people on Facebook, like, hammered. And I'd just be like giggling, like, yeah, dude.

I hate being drunk. I like being high the next day. That's always waking up high. I mean, like, oh, we're still going. Like off pot. I'm the opposite. I get scared. I'm like, I'm stuck like this.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, if you accept that you're not. Truly accept I'm not stuck like this. You can ride it. I smoke pot every night of my life. I've never accepted that I won't get stuck like that. Every time it's like there's a little part of me.

It's like, this is forever. Yep. This is what's going to happen. Yeah. I enjoy the marinas. Yeah. I hate being in the junk to next morning, though. Because I know it will go away, but I'm just like, I'm over and sick of it.

Oh, that's kind of a shitty feeling. Yeah. I will be hungover in like an hour. And then you can feel the hangover coming on in real time. Oh, yeah. You get like a little headache, but you're still kind of out of it. Yeah. Oh, it's brutal.

You ever wake up and throw up? Yeah, but that's for different reasons. Yeah. It's because I look at myself in the mirror. Do you fucking nothing. That happened to me at work today. And I was in mid-conversation with my co-worker and I just threw up in my mouth

and she totally saw it. What? It was super embarrassing. Wait, what do you do? You work at that office, right? Yeah, a podcast. Why did you throw up in your mouth? Was she a lesbian?

And you were like, I accept this. So I drank tea on a kid. That was what if it's like, you know when your daughter's lesbian and you throw up in your own mouth. You swallow it because you love her. Why is a stool still on his head? Yeah.

No, it was just at the office. There was just me and my coworker. and I drank tea on an empty stomach, and then I drank some water, and then I just threw up in mid-conversation. Oh, you know what it is? If I have caffeine on an empty stomach, I do get very nauseous.

Yeah, that's probably... Nicotine, too. Yeah, yeah. You know, nicotine fiends? Yeah, I throw Zin Pouches in at work. Bro, a Zinni. Love a Zinni. But I have to be doing computer work.

If I'm walking around, it slows me down. So it is a stimulant, but it's a stimulant if I'm doing something. If you're sitting down. Yes. What's you're standing, I'm like, oh, like, I just feel gross. My thing with the Zinnies is they're inconsistent.

Like, I quit smoking recently. Started again, but I quit for like a month. And sometimes I'd pop a Zinn and it would fucking, I'd ride it out. It would feel amazing. I'm getting that headbuzz. And other times I'd pop two and feel nothing. So I was like, where's it consistent? Dude, that's so true.

It's almost like, yeah, it's almost like, I don't know what it would compare it to like drugs or something. We're like some of it. I literally will be like it's like a duds. Yes. With Zimp pouches. It's like duds. Yes, dude. I think it might be a mouth thing.

If you have other things in your mouth, it might prevent the absorption Charlie has penises. I usually have a cock in my mouth. Yeah. He puts it in the tip of the dickle and then just puts it in your... Some people snort Coke off dicks. I just... You could probably, like, launch it off, like, a hard penis

because it's, like, a diving board. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love putting stuff on my hard penis. Like, I like hanging, like, towels are too heavy. Oh, yeah. What's up?

Christmas ornaments? No, that sounds fun as fun. Yeah. Like, I'll do, like, like, T-shirts. I'll just have, like, a T-shirt. And it's, like, I'll put, like, the, uh, wherever the next. part is, just put it right on my penis. Y'all ever be hard and just flex and

have it go up and down? It's most fun thing in the world. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dicks are still funny. They're always funny. Dicks and farts. Dicks and farts are always funny. Always funny. Well, it's like, it's also like, my favorite thing is the boner that hasn't been touched yet. Like, when you're that's my favorite kind of bonner. Yeah.

The second you touch it, you're like, eh, it's the second, you're like, yeah. It's because there's an element of hope. Yeah. It's Gatsby's green lights. That boater is an immigrant who just came to America and afterwards it's like an immigrant who

just had a kid and now they can't leave America. That was an amazing analogy. Yeah. These are abrupt as fuck and like... Oh yeah, we're like, yeah, good joke. So Marlon Wayne. Actually, I have

like an immigrant story if you guys want to hear it. Yeah, it's here. Yeah. Okay, so this weekend I was on the U.S. Mexico border for a bachelor party. Oh, yeah? And you know how... It's going great down there. Yeah. Literally like, you know where there's There are those 10,000 Haitians, right? Yeah, I am.

That is right across the border from where we were. Oh, God. And we were driving, and I just, like, saw people getting deported. What? Jesus. Yeah, like, I literally, I saw the Texas sheriff and, like, ICE, deporting people. What was the whip thing? Were they actually whipping out?

I didn't see the whip. I saw a guy hogtied on the asphalt with a Texas official pointing a gun at him. Jesus. And I saw a bunch of guys getting rid red their, like, Miranda Wright. or something in the back of a truck. That's hard, though, because they're not... Yeah, that's weird. I mean, that's fucked up.

But I'm like, that's... Yeah, it's weird. I don't know if you read... They don't have Miranda rights, though, because they're not citizens. That's the thing. And they shouldn't get them. I'm just...

I just saw them being read something and they were in the back of a truck. They were the mariachi rights. You have the right. I'm glad you did it. I didn't want that. But, yeah, no, it's so crazy. It's like, I don't want to get to you

to politics, but that's like, I went to Haiti, and they... They were telling me, they're like, dude, it takes so long to get a visa to come to America. Hey. Is that a good Haitian? Hey. Haitian man.

It's so long to come to a... No, I can't do it. Asian man. I think Haitians have, like, somewhat French accents because they speak Haitian. Yeah, they're like, ha, ha, ha. Oh, yeah. I hate the how long it takes to get a visa. Yeah, it's a Italian guy, yeah.

Oh, man. Yeah, that was weird. The weirdest is, like, somehow my Instagram has gotten, like, super, like, I'm very, I just, I hate all politicians. I'm not, I'm not edgy, okay? But I'm like, these guys are all assholes. But somehow it's gotten like super conservative for now. But it's interesting because all the videos are just like,

what's happening at the border? And they're like, it's weirdly clipped. So I don't know if they're actually responding, but there's like, no more questions. You don't know if that's just a weird Ben Shapiro, but he was like, okay, I'm going to break it down. Yeah. Was this actually what happened, but they said?

You know what I mean? The internet's so hard of the clipping shit. It's like every single thing can be put in any context. Yes, bro. True. Half this stuff we've said on this pod, it could be ruinous if put in a certain context.

No, but yeah, no, exactly. Yeah. It's like, yeah. It's like, yeah, yeah. But it's one of those things where it's like, you, it's the same when I watch like anything else. It's like, I'll see an article

and then I'll like, have listened to them. Like, that's not exactly what they say. It's like a tough thing because it's like, you can make anybody look anyway. Like, I guarantee you you could make Donald Trump look like a liberal if you edited. What do you say? It would be, you could have a rat a lot.

You know what I mean? Like, you could get anybody to look at any way. It's, it's fascinating. What if he's like the most liberal person? And it's just like, it just got misconstrued. It's just like, no, they edit his videos, then he got elected president. He don't want to give it up. That's so funny.

Donald Trump is actually like the most left-leaning. Yeah. Have you guys seen like deep fakes? Deep fakes, yeah. Oh yeah. Those are crazy. Those are terrifying. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because you can just make somebody. But some of them are bad. You know what I mean? Some of them are like. But you can make anything out of anything. Yeah.

Yeah. It's also the world kind of ended. So no one cares about much anymore. Yeah. I'm in such a. weird moment with that. Because I'm like, part of me's like, it's going to end. And then I'm like, you know what's going to happen? Those are the two voices

in my head as well. I got to do the thing. It's like, but why fucking who gives a fuck? It doesn't... Yeah, yeah. It's tough. Because, like, part of me's like, I gotta stand for something. And then the other part of me eggs out. I'm like, disgusting. I'm like, no of this matter. Like, I'll be there in a fucking camp. Yeah, I mean, I swear it put it. I don't know how bad things are going to get.

Wait what? But in my mind, I'm like, if things got so crazy, I'm like, I'm just like, I'm just like, Like, I'll try to enjoy everything. I don't know. That was the weirdest way to put it. I don't know what the fuck you just said. I was saying, I'll be there in a camp?

Because I don't know. You're referring to like summer camp? Yeah. I don't know where. Concentration camp? I don't know what's gonna happen. Okay. I'm saying worst kid.

Your brain never goes to that. Like, what if something crazy happened and we all like got put, not like a camp, but like some sort of like. I think about like three things every day. Oh, that sounds awesome. Yeah. I mean, they're not, but they're shitty things. They're bad.

I should kill myself. I hate my life. Yeah. Joe List is a very funny joke But I don't want to like rip off his joke But it's very accurate It's like Does everyone hate me?

I'm gonna die And do my parents have cancer Oh shit Yeah just like they But that's literally what I'm just like I walk around like am I good Is everyone hate me? Am I okay?

Like those are my only thoughts all day I never think like What happens if they take over a country And then we have to go to a place Like I never Oh that's me all the time Really? I think about how to escape America like

What? 40 times a day Have you seen the movie How to escape or escaping New York No No It's wild Manhattan they turned it into a prison

and they just let the prisoners run free. They put every prisoner in the U.S. on the island of Manhattan. It's like an 80s action movie, right? Yeah, yeah. Not Greg Gerald. I'm supposed to Greg Geraldo. Greg Gerardo.

Definitely not Greg Gerardo. But they, yeah, and then the president gets stuck there and someone else to go rescue him. Oh, that's pretty sweet. Yeah. Sounds like every Batman movie. I love that when they're like,

guess what? Convicts run the city. That's not convenient for anybody. No, surely. You assume they'd all just be on your side. They're like, yeah, the Joker let us free. We're going to do whatever. It's like, no, they could just stab the Joker.

And I know what I mean? That's the funny. Me and my buddy had this bit about this too. Like, the funniest are the Spider-Man villains because they'll be like, I will blow up the moon. And you're like, that's going to be bad for everybody. Yeah.

Shout out to my buddy Jake, who we had a middle school joke about this. I don't want to take full credit for it. Yeah, yeah. I am very excited for the new Spider-Man. My best friend from middle school is named Jake. They should make a spider woman. Am I right, fellas?

Yes. That's what we need. That's what we need. Yeah. A spider Latino ex-woman. Yeah. Latino X women. I like think there's a guy

like about to beat his wife and then he sees Spider-Woman he's like You know what? No. It's a different error. It's a different error. I'm changing.

How does Spider-Man save the day? He just has webs. He's not that strong. Oh, he's very strong actually. From what? Well, spiders aren't strong. See? Yeah, but I think maybe spiders

for their body size are strong So he has like the same proportion So he can like jump Like the same. He can jump at the same way spiders can jump very far. I've never seen a spider jump. You've never seen a spider jump.

jump. They can jump. I don't know. I might be making this up. Well, I think they made him strong because otherwise the comic book would be bad. He's just getting his ass, like, whooped with the spraying things. I like what they're doing with, though. Like, they're doing like the multiverse where they have the villains from every Spider-Rum movie come together. Yeah. Multiverse is what I call it

when I hop on the fucking track, bro. Yeah, there we go. Let it rip. Let it rip. Yo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you guys know what Spider-goat is? No.

Okay, so they combined a spider's jeans with a goat. It's funny because it's exactly what it sounds like. I was so waiting for you to say, like a sex thing, and it's to just... It shoots spider webs out of its udders. There's no way this is real. It is real. It's real. One of my first jokes ever was about how if Spider-Man was scientifically accurate, he would be shooting webs out of his nipples.

And he has, like, big tits. You know what? Everybody seems swinging around. Oh, yeah, just swinging by his tits. You know, his... thing with stand-up, right? He's never watched his stand-up special? Or he saw Cat Williams, it's it. Yeah, I disagree fundamentally with his whole thing. Yeah.

I've told you multiple times. I love it, so just... I love it, but I disagree so hard for that. I'm so curious to see what happens there. Yeah, sure, because I've seen, I mean, hundreds of specials, YouTube clips, audio, like, podcast, Spotify albums, Pandora album, series, like, hours of stand-up. Yeah. And you've heard, like, one album. One

consistent hour, I've heard, and then the rest are like, what? Was it Daniel Tosh? No, it was Cat Williams. Oh, Cat Williams. And then the rest are just like random little clips. Like I know like John Mullaney is like, bah, kind of and I know, I know like some people talk quietly.

That's so exciting though. Imagine never seeing stand up and you can watch everybody for the first time. Yeah, that's true. Do you want to watch anybody? No. I mean, maybe Marlon Wayans. But you've never seen like a Kevin Hart special?

No. Well, I grew up on Mark Norman. Yeah, that is so crazy. Yeah, I don't know. That is weird to think about. But the new Spider-Man movie guys coming out soon. So, you know, get your tickets now. Yeah. We're actually sponsored by it. So use promo code.

Good. Spider-Man, no way home. No-way home. No-way home. No-way home? No-way home. No-way-hens. Yes. I wonder if when he's, I wonder if, hear me out. When Marlon Wayans hears a conversation and he has an opinion on it, he walks up to the conversation. He goes, hey, guys, do you mind if I weigh in? to this conversation. I bet he does do that.

Does anyone have a gun I can use against myself? What is a... What is his... Uncle? Uncle Damon Waynes. No, his daughter's a lesbian. I know. His uncle Damon Wains is actually a very funny stand-up comedian. No, I think they're all brothers.

Yeah, they are. He has that one joke about... It's Damon, Marlon, and Chris Rock. They're all broke. He has that one about... He has some bit about, like, what was it? I'm not going to... to the other people's bits.

But it was a funny joke about AIDS and Madonna and Magic Johnson. It was funny. There's also, there's a place in New York called People with AIDS Plaza. Have you seen that? Yeah, that's Upper West, right? No, it's like, uh, try back here. Oh, okay, there's also AIDS Park in Chelsea. There's a lot of AIDS going on here.

See, that makes, that sounds, that makes more. Oh, okay, but people with- died of AIDS. Straight face. It is sad. Like, you're really, really, no, that is weird. People with AIDS Plaza. Yeah.

That's an upset. If it was like Memorial for AIDS. Victims. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People with AIDS. It sounds like you just walk around and see a bunch of people. Just like they have AIDS. Just needles on the ground.

Yeah, that's, yeah. What are the needles from the vaccine? Wow, I'm topical. There you go. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. The vaccine gives you AIDS? Yeah, dude.

Oh, you're got a spooky thing. I love it. Spooky season. Oh, yeah. No, I'm going to. I want to completely push conspiracy theories on this podcast. It is AIDS. I'm trying to think about conspiracy theory.

I believe in. I believe in so many. I'm so fucking stupid. I'll believe anything as long as it's not the truth. For like a week, I believed that the earth was hollow. And I was like, yeah, some things totally live inside the earth. And then I remembered volcanoes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it just completely blew holes all into it. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like, there's certain hollowness. Like, somewhere there is hollowness in the earth. there was a movie about that. It had Aaron Eckhart in it and they just took a drill and they're like, we're going to go to the center of the earth. Yes, I have seen that movie. That's very similar to escape from New York

where they're like, this premise hasn't been done. Yeah, yeah, what if we went in like the earth? And then Up was like, what if we went into the sky? That's pretty smart. It's pretty smart. People haven't done that. And then Annie Hall was like, what if I dated my 13 year old daughter? It could be something different. It could be something different. It could be something different.

Oh, buddy. I think, I don't know, I think there's hollowness in. When I was a kid, I was so dumb. I was like, I was like, because I've always been into aliens. I was like, I'm going to dig through the earth, get to the other side of the earth. I don't know about gravity. And it's like, we'll go to space from the other side of earth because we'll fall into space.

That's so funny. I guess, I don't know if this is a conspiracy theory or just I've done too many mushrooms, but I truly believe in a collective consciousness. Like, throughout my day, I can see that people are feeling the same things I'm feeling. Maybe that's just like the human condition. Yeah, you're on the train. You're like, man, I fucking hate this. And everybody's like, oh, we do too.

yeah it's that but it's also like yeah I'm not gonna be able to explain it very well I think we're all going through a very similar thing at a similar time in this current present moment and I think we're all collectively kind of aware of who's going through what I'm also

retarded so okay yeah yeah can I say that do you think it's a gay thing? Yeah I think it's a gay thing I see everyone I'm like y'all are all gay too right? Yeah all my listeners actually are retarded so Are they really? Yeah, yeah.

They're listening with the big clunky headphones. Do you, do you even name for them like, like goodheads? Good heads?

That sounds like what you would call retarded people in like the 1400s. Yeah, there's some good heads. 1400s, that's not way off.

Did people speak in the 1400? Everybody had Transatlantic accents until. Is that true? What is transatlantic? It's like, Hey,

how's it going? It's like, okay. It's like old boxers with high briefs. Yeah, suspenders. Yeah,

that's the, what were we talking about right before that collective consciousness? Yeah. Well, the one thing that bugs me, those people say this shit, they'll always be like, dude, I was thinking about somebody, and then they called me. They're like, what are the chances of that? I'm like, way more likely than somebody you don't know calling you, and that happens all the time. The person has your phone number.

They've known you for like 40 years, you know what I mean? That's fair. You know, a lot of it might just be coincidences, but I need to believe in, like, something. I mean, okay, let's do this question. Do you all believe in God? Yes. Yes. I don't know.

I go back and forth. So I think that there's a higher power. I don't know if it's God I don't know so funny when I was 17 I was like drunk and I got in like a mental fight with God I was like if you're real show yourself And then I was like the next day I was like

I'm an atheist But then I was just like Now I'm kind of like I think there's a higher power Of sorts It's interesting though because the simulation stuff People think is like so legit People are like this is 100% Everyone believes in the simulation thing

Yeah like scientists are like this what's going on Yeah What's your take on God? I have I like 100% believe in Yahweh. Okay. Oh, like the beard,

not necessarily a beer, but like the Jewish god? Yeah, yeah. You think you guys got it right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it is the first religion, right? I mean, besides Zoroastrianism.

Not like the first... Zoroastrianism is the first, like, monolithic religion that we know of. Right. Judaism is probably, like, the most prevalent religion that's also the oldest, if you, like, combine the two. Right.

But, like, the oldest religions were like, we live the spirits. Yeah, yeah. Kind of thing. supposedly. Well, that's why I don't believe the Bible, though, and the Torah, because a lot of it comes from, like,

old ancient religions. Because, like, in Greek religions, there are things, like, Hades is so similar to hell in the Bible. So I'm like, that's my issue with it. And then there's a lot of immaculate conceptions. Immaculate? Yeah, immaculate. No, immaculate's, like, a good thing. Like, who you mean has a song? He says, my diamonds are immaculate.

And he's talking about Jesus. So he's saying God has sex with the diamonds on my... I'm actually... I'm kind of pissed at the Jews right now. And before I keep going, I am Jewish. But the other night I was barking for a comedy show, and I was going to my favorite corner, because there's a spot to put my backpack, and there's a lot of foot traffic.

Benz? What? No, it's Benz. Oh, no, no, it's in Williamsburg. I was working for not the pair, different place. And I get to my corner, and there's these two, like, Jewish kids asking, you know, how they ask a few people are Jewish. Yeah. And I couldn't bark over them. They were better than me. And they wouldn't get off my corner. Well, there's two of them.

There's two of them. Don't be so hard on yourself. Thank you, Jack. I'm actually. being hard on the them. You should have said, I am Jewish. I know your father's, and they said leave right now and go home. That would have been really good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. They said that you needed more. I've always wanted to do stuff like that. Like, not technically against the law, but should be. Like, I see college campuses. I have a job with this, but I've always wanted to go to college campus and go up to some kid on there who's taking a tour and just be like, you would literally never fit in here. Ha! Oh my God. Oh my God. That's so funny. You know, I told someone that. That's so

funny, bro. Because like, he would like, he would like, literally, it's mine. He just wouldn't go to school. It's like an NYU kid and be like, you are not fit for this place. I was like, what? Yeah. I don't know. Or either do that or go to a guitar center, dressed in a suit, and hand out fake music deals to people

that just screw around on instruments. I love that. Just be like, you're going to be really fucking big. Sideness. And then the next day you'd be like, I don't fucking know. Yeah, that's so funny. It'd be horrible. Oh, dude.

Oh, yeah. My aunt put me in contact with one of her friends who wanted, who had, her daughter had gotten into the college that I went to. It was asking questions about it. What college was that, Jack? Harvard.

You went to Harvard? No. Okay. It's not far off, though. I went to Georgetown. Oh, nice. I call it Georgetown. Georgetown.

I went to Georgetown. And this girl got in and wanted to go there, and I told her not to go. Why? Did you not like that? Oh, okay. Did you have fun? Oh, I had a blast. Oh, but she wouldn't have.

No, no, she would not have had fun. Wow. Do you know that for sure, though? Yeah, why wouldn't she have had fun? She was like... Sound like a pretty rude person. person. Yeah.

Was it mean of me, like, maybe. Like, I love believing in people. I love believing in, like, God, but like... You think God told you to do that? Yeah. God came down and God said, this girl's a narc. Send her to Vanderbilt. Yeah.

For sure. Dude, every fucking one of our... We just... None of us want to commit to any of these bits. So, me, like, okay, we'll get a... Like, I keep wanting to commit to, like, a bid or a joke. But I'm like, we'll get a better one next time. It just leads to us.

just bailing on everything. I had one more line for that. It wouldn't have added that much. You want to say it anyways? Yeah, sure. Let's reset that energy. Let's say the lesson you said. Yeah, God came down and said,

this girl's a narc. Send her to Vanderbilt. Yeah. When you air this, could you edit Jack out? Yeah. Remember that prank call we tried to make? Oh, man.

That was golden. Shut out Spencer. Dude, that guy's a narque. Yeah, that guy's a narque. Yeah, I was told so many people in my life were like, dude, you should go to a better college. to FSU because I got into better schools. And I was like, that was the biggest, that would have been the biggest waste of my fucking time.

Because I do stand-up comedy. I'm like, if anything, I made the right choice. I went to college. I just partied and had fun. And it was 100% worth it. Maybe it helped me get a reception job because they're like, okay, he went to college. This is a better thing. Yeah.

But it's like, for me to have gone to a better school would have been the biggest mistake of my life. And I probably would not have done stand-up comedy if I would have gone to like the schools. Because I kind of like, Elon was just in Boston. North Carolina. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, what I wouldn't have done comedy. I would have done something else because there was no stand up there. So there's no way I would have done comedy.

Yeah. Um, and then Miami, I probably wouldn't have done comedy either because I feel like, I, I feel like the paths wouldn't have crossed. I don't know. Maybe I would have. I don't know. Michael, I think you made all the right decisions. Thank you. Yeah.

You went to FSU. Yeah. What does that stand for? Fuck City, USA. Hey. Oh. City with the S. Let's somebody, you know, there's like a gang.

It's like a white guy gang. But I don't think it's a white supremacist gang. What? It's called Friends Stand United. I watched it on gangland with them. Gangland, great show. Yeah. I joined Friends.

Yeah. They would always have their voices toned down, but then they'd say really revealing things. Yeah. My nickname was Big Dog 45. It's like, well, we all know who you are, though. Yeah, exactly. My favorite is that Monkey Gang show. So there's a show called Monkey Gangs.

And it's an indie, and the guy follows, like, just monkey. He's giving them all. He's like, there's, like, Leonardo. He's the leader of the Splinter Gang. If you cross him, your next banana might be your last. Wow. And they'll actually throw monkeys in jail for. for a week in India for stealing.

What? Which is so funny. And then they let them out? Yeah, yeah. But it was something because I thought it would be so funny if they did like a get where the face is like blackedown. It was just the monkey. Yeah, that's really funny.

Yeah, but those nature shows are amazing. I'm excited for Tiger King Part 2. Yeah, I just saw the announcement of that. I'm excited to hopefully die one day. It's most depressing episode. Yeah, I know. No, I'm on Ambien. You're on Ambien?

Yeah. You're crazy. Wait, you really are? No. Okay. That's a weird one to... Yeah, I was trying to find a drug. I was like, I can't find a...

Yeah, it's 7.30. That's weird time. That'd be a weird time to take Ambien. It's a sleeping drug, right? Dude, you feel like you're in a tornado. I would 100% forgive Roseanne Barr for her racist comments. I was like, I took one time... I used to have trouble sleeping in my girlfriend's dad's house.

So I literally drug myself. I used to take Kalanipinzanax, drink. Oh. Just to fall asleep because it was so... And what I would do is, like, I took Ambien one time. And I would... was fucking like stumbling in this house. I had like the Vegas memory.

A Vegas memory? What happens in... You would have her. Vegas. Dad's house stays in. Yeah. He made me. Yeah, you know what happens. Wait, so why couldn't you sleep?

It was a haunted? Yes. There was a ghost. Really? Yes. You're not fucking with me. No, it's a ghost. My building's haunted. Your building's haunted?

Yeah, I believe in it. You know, I see him all the time. Really? Who is it? It's a few of them. Okay. One guy, it's a guy who can't open that. Sorry, I don't know why I just picture like a a Chinese guy

just like yelling. This not your house. Get out, Charlie. Get out. Just like the most just like loud. I was so racist. I was definitely racist.

But just the idea of like getting yelled at by like a ghost in a different language sounds so funny. Everyone assumes ghosts are like they speak English. Yeah.

There's immigrant ghosts. Yeah. Get out. Just like yelling at you. That made my day. That was so funny. Like, you're in his bed, too, so he's like, get out. You're annoying the shit out of the film.

I'm not going to, yes, and, because I can't, I won't do the voice, but I love it so much. Yeah, dude, mad haunted. You know what happened? She actually saw the ghost. Yeah, wait, well, I see him a bunch. Who is it? What is it? What is he walk around.

They truly just, they mind their fucking business. It's super scary. Yeah, we're going to do some extra time. Yeah, no, my thing was canceled. Go ahead. Fuck, yeah. The hairs stand up on my body whenever I see them. I hate it so much.

But I have to live with. with it because I, that's where I live. And I've talked to other people in the building. They've seen the same people. We all know what the deal is. Shit. It's genuine. I'm not fucking with you all. It's genuinely haunted. So what did the ghost look like? People. Just genuinely, just old people. So how do you know it's a ghost? They died there. A lot of people died in that building. Also, there used to be a guy who murdered his wife there. So she's around. He buried her in the basement.

And then they found her like 10 years later. Yeah, he's like, my rent's 8.50. I'm like, I wonder why. You mother fuck. Truly. No, that's why. Dang. Yeah. So are they like, are they like white and like wispy? Are they like they're in color? One of them runs around giggling.

That guy fucking scares the shit out of me. I swear to, I'm not trying to embellish. I'm really not trying to embellish. He just giggles. He just giggles. He just giggles. He just gigglees.

How fast does he run? How do you know it's a ghost not a real person? Because they don't exist in the daytime. I never see them. Even at night, I don't really see them unless it's like three to five a.m. I'm a little fucked up and you just feel it they're just not human entities

you know what I mean I can't really put it better than that Do they disappear? They disappear mad quick too I tried to fall on one one time he was gone fucking banished bro Wait so I'm but there's okay

So there's a 1% possibility That there's just old people That only come out at night And you're like a 1% Yeah but what are they doing Running around my hallways giggling And knocking on doors and shit They have dementia

Maybe bro I saw one last night He was standing So we have an elevator What up And he was to open the elevator, it's an old building, so there's a door, and then there's an elevator door. And he was standing, and he kept trying to open the door to the elevator, and he couldn't do it. And I go, do you need help? And he didn't say anything to me.

He just kept attempting to open this door and couldn't do it. And then I just walked upstairs. When did you notice that it was the, when it was a ghost? You said, because you asked him if you didn't help. I asked my question, and it was like he wasn't even on the same plane of existence. He was just, it's like he's there every night trying to open that elevator. Why couldn't you open the door? It's a very easy to open door.

I do it all the time. But he couldn't open this door, which makes me think he can't do, because ghosts can't move things physically. So I don't think he could have opened the door. Unless there are a poltergeist. Yeah, yeah, but besides the point, though. Exactly.

The other thing is I've talked to many of my neighbors about this, and they all agree, we see things, we hear things. There's the temperature changes, you know, when there's a spear around, the temperature drops a bunch. I went to the basement one night really late, and I went down there, and you could just feel like a, it was like a buzz. You know what I mean?

There's just an energy down there. And I never went down there again. Yeah. Jesus. So you looked it up, some guy murdered his wife in your basement? That one I was told about from a super who's been the super of the building for a while.

What a dog? I was a super bill. Yeah, some guy, why would you tell? People aren't going to resign. My mom was there too. And I was like, well,

you're just trying to freak her out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And a lot of people have died in the building. It's been around since like the mid-1800s, the building I'm in. So a lot of people have died.

And it's fucking terrifying, bro. Yeah. That's very scary. When I come home past 3 a.m., I'm very nervous. And you don't know any roommates? No, I live alone. Oh, that would scare the shit.

There's also every morning there's a banging, just a heavy banging, just a heavy banging, like someone like maybe banging pots and pans. And it sounds like it's right outside my door. So I open the door to be like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm trying to sleep. And there's no one there. No one there. Does it stop when you open the door?

It stops and I close the door and it keeps going. Open the door stops like, like, bro, this shit's real. And I know I sound calm about it. It's because I have to live with it. No, of course. We have a lake house, so it was called the Maher Barker House. You can look it up. I'm going to just speak to those stories.

In the 1930s, my grandma, her family, they had a beach rental house, a lake rental house that they ran out to people. And there was this gang called the Mar Barker gang in the 1930s. And they were running from Chicago, and they got gunned down. It would be like basically if you had a beach condo and then a gang rented it from you under fake names. And then the FBI came. And there was a shootouts from the longest FBI shootings. Sorry, we don't have a lot time. I mean, we have time, whatever.

No, good. So. I'm done with my show. So let's finish on that. Yeah. So when I was a kid, I would like, so we had a seance there and they like figured it all out. Really?

Yeah. Wow. And this is like in the 70s, they had a seance. And my grandma wrote a book and she said they'd always hear ghosts in the house. And we've been all in the same room and you'd hear footsteps walking up and down the stairs. Yeah. And then we went to one time as kids and I saw these like pinstripe light.

We shined a flashlight. We saw legs and then walked up. Pimstripe. That's so scary. Yeah. Yeah. My dad said he'd smell like cigars in the house all the time. there was nobody there.

But, yeah, everybody would have all these weird stories. But then we went as an adult, and we got so hammered there. And it's so funny because my friends are like, yo, fucking ghost, suck my dick,

Mark, you suck my dick. And I'm like, dude, I punched my friend. I was like, don't disturb the spirits. And they're like,

you fucking dickhead. And, but it's so funny because, like, and we did like a Ouija board, nothing happened. Yeah. But that's why I go back and forth,

but I'm like, also like, I could see that, like we were just hammered yelling and it's like if the spirits are somewhat con I don't know what they are you know what they are you know because like I don't know if you're drunkenly see it or what the deal because when we're as a adult where I got probably imagining things where a kid so I'm weird about ghosts I think maybe there were maybe there aren't when I was a kid when I really can't confirm it's just a feeling that's why telling ghost stories is so tough because you just have to be like no I felt it though but it really is yeah it's a feeling my best one of my best friend from middle school was it was a medium he was like an icey dead people kid wow and I didn't believe him for like a year but I entertained it entertained it entertained all the stuff because I was like you you seem really worked up over this because he was 11 and seeing dead people. Yeah. And then I was over at his house once, and

I felt it. And I almost passed out. I got super cold, but super hot at the same time. I almost fell over. The room got all windy. Yes, dude. And I sat down, I was holding a cross. He slapped a cross out of my hand. And took me outside, and he was like, hey, like this ghost has this weird thing with religion.

And ever since then, anywhere I go that has something, I can feel it specifically in my hands. Whoa. That's weird. Like, I could probably go to your building, Charlie, and if you're, like, locate where the ghosts are, I could, like, do, like, basically, like, dog sniff with my hands and, like, tell you this is exactly where it is.

We should do a ghost hunter's podcast. This is exactly where we go. We're chasing it around. Yeah, one second, audio's fucked up. Yeah. My favorite is, I haven't watched it, but somebody says, ghost adventure is funny, because the guy's, like, a total guido.

And apparently he'd be like, fucking punch me. Show me you're here, boy. That's so funny. I get a little, I get a little, I get creeped out. Definitely want to buy myself alone, especially tonight because my girlfriend's out of town. But, yeah, no, it does spook me a little bit. Yeah, they're scary.

Do you think in 100 years, I've told this joke about it, guys, do you think they would ever do a ghost tour of the 9-11 memorial? That is so funny. They would, like, they do it for battlegrounds of, like, Civil War, and that was like 100. What is that? Yeah. Civil War? 140 years ago? 2,500?

So do you think in the day they're going to be like, there was a stock broker here? Why'd they go back to Transatlantic in the future? I don't know. There was a stockbroker. Trends come back. Trends come back. Yeah, full circle.

No, I was walking by 9-11. I was walking by the 9-11. Yeah, that is like fun. Yeah, that was an inconvenience. A couple weeks ago because I worked down in Tribeca. Yeah. Yeah, we should grab lunch. I work in one of the, I work in one of the buildings down there.

Yeah, one of nine eleven. I work in Deep Bushwick. I work in Tower 7 actually. No, I do. Oh, wait, I, there's a, yeah, there's a restaurant in my hometown called Tower 7. We're going to see a Mexican restaurant.

That is very funny. Yeah. Yeah, but I was walking by the memorial. Then all of a sudden, my hand was spashing out, and I was like, what is going on? And I looked to my left, and it was just like, it was the memorial. And I noticed it.

And it goes to, like, put his dick in your hand. Yeah, more or less. Yeah. Yeah. And then I looked at the day. and it was like September 1st. Let's not the same as 11th. Yeah, it's not the same as 11th.

I'm down to add there, though. Do you guys have anything you want to promote? Yeah, I have a few things, do you mind? Yeah. My personal Instagram, if you enjoy my voice and my thoughts, is at Charlie D. Comedy. I have a podcast coming out with some friends. It is at the Idiots Catalog on Twitter and Instagram

at The Idiots Catalog on Twitter and Instagram. And at way too zesty. funny sketches on there and some really cool stuff. So check those out. Yeah. Yeah. I am, all my socials are at the Jack Reiker. It's spelled T-H-E-J-A-C-K, R-E-C-H-E-E-C-R-T.

I'm somewhat big on, I'm on TikTok. You should look at that. I'm okay at that. And I have a book called Ha-C-C-L-Laf-A-W-E-L-Laf-E-W-E-Lafing. It's on Amazon. Buy it. hell yeah you guys freaked me out with the go somebody because like I'm about to be in my apartment alone

my girlfriend's gone all weekend I'm like fuck do a little reading do you want me to do a little reading you want me to walk around the apartment and tell you where it is no no right that corner right there right there's a one bedroom I'm gonna be freaked out the whole time there's not one here I would have noticed oh okay a few from my building might come down and hang here though

I don't think so this is not the part of town for them that's true they are up there they're upper west yeah they would never hang out in the east village yeah No, with some goy like you. No, yeah, exactly, yeah. We'll call it there. Cool, cool.