Morning Good - Thank You For Your Sacrifice - Episode 21

Episode Date: April 11, 2021

After a somewhat serious and educational podcast about Satanism and religion, we decided to throw in a bonus episode chocked full of good riffs and jokes. Big thank you to Joey for coming on the show and being so funny.For more from our guest you can find him on Instagram @thejoeyrinaldi or follow his podcast @trailertrashpod. He also streams on Twitch regularly so make sure to check him out. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

You're here with Morning Good. That's not how I start. That's for the F Shack. I love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the Boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast?

Morning Good. I love that. Yeah, it's me with the Boner on the front. Welcome to Morning. Yeah, we got it right there with the morning. Can I start the intro? You can start the intro. No, I don't want to do that.

It's your show. All right, we're here with Joey Rinaldi. also known as the guy that had sex with all of your moms. Is this the how he's starting the podcast, me fucking your mom? Yeah, not my mom. Everybody else's mom besides my mom. I hope I didn't fuck Big Mama's house mom because that lady was chubby and kind of a guy. Yeah, that was, well, that's a little, is that, I don't think it's transphobic because it is it, dude.

I don't know, it's maybe transvestlight phobic because. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which Alexander the Great. I've been watching a lot of weird documentaries. Apparently Alexander the Great was a huge transvestite. Really? Like he would conquer some like little village and then like before like... Dress up like a chick and you hanged?

Yeah, yeah. Like... Well, that's a cross... I think that's different because there are dudes, it's like a domination thing where they like to be dressed up like a chick and spanked. But they're like, I'm not... I don't identify as a woman. It's almost the opposite. They're almost like it would be so degrading if I did dress as a woman.

So it's like they're not into... I think Alexander the Great just wanted to feel beautiful. You fucking asshole. Well, that's a drag queen. That's a different. Yeah, yeah,

he was like a, yeah, he was like a drag queen. But he's not, it's not trans technically. Yeah, like, but like,

picture of this. He pillage a whole village has slaves and just like, did everything correctly. And then he's like, Joy and all the on record saying having saved slaves doing things correctly.

And then he's like, what should I do now with all my new land? Let's have a fashion show. Yeah. Let's have a drag show. I'll put on a bra. I'll sing a little number. Let's fucking do this shit.

That sounds fun. My girlfriend does. Have you watched that show at Drag Race? No, I heard about it. I know about it. It's one of those shows. It's so funny because the whole time they're like, I grew up and I was bullied and it was so hard.

And the next thing they're like, you got ugly ass shoes, bitch. And they just like, they're just bullied the fuck out of each other. Wait, they're like mean to them? Oh my God. They're so mean to each other. So there's like much more with less than like Tyra Banks on that like that modeling show,

America's type next. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. To Tyra Banks should not be in charge of models because that lady I feel I can't dress. I don't know. I never look at women's clothing and I'm like, that's not what I would have worn. I'm just trying to be like sassy. I don't know either. Look at me.

I don't know how to dress. I'm wearing a grateful dead shirt. I wear like grateful dead shirts all the time. Dude, I have a grateful dead shirt, but I don't want to wear it because I'm worried so many people would be like, all right. Name five of their, because I've gotten called out. Yeah, name five songs, bro. Why can you get a car? Oh, yeah.

Can you? Yeah, yeah. Box of rain. Oh, there we go. Good, good. Three more, baby. Come on. One second.

A friend of the devil. Yes, that story? Two more. Come on, you're almost there, son of a bitch. Let's see. Once you get put on the spot, it's fucking hard. Give me a second. No, no, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Okay, give me a second. I got this. Franklin's Tower. Oh, four. Let's see. One more. If I knew how to pronounce. Give me a deep cut.

Come on. Give me a deep cut. You can do it. A deep cut. Come on, baby. Let me think. Okay, give me a second. I'm going to get this.

We can move on. This is just that. Oh, there we go. There we go. It's kind of deep. That's steeper than I've ever gone inside of a woman. So there you go. There we go.

Joey with the riffs. With the riffs. I'm trying to. I want to get like the radio voice, get the little things that are like, bian, the little bono noise, it's like, boing.

But I feel like in order to do that, we need to hang out with my good old buddy. Zany Ray. Oh, we got Zany Ray on line five. Oh, I'm so zany, man.

Like last week, I fucking like went down to like a convenience. store and I was like, can I get oxies, bro? I don't know. That's like my... That sounds like every single one of my actual friends. Zany, right? It's just a friend of yours in rehab in Florida somewhere. We got a couple of those. I have...

Okay, there we go. I just make sure the levels are all right. Have you been a dick about smoking weed now that's legal here? I've been... I went to go see King Gong versus Godzilla and like, first off, I would... You saw that without me, son of a bitch? Yeah, I told you I was seeing it with my old roommate, man. Oh, I thought like, it's on, I don't like take anything on Snapchat seriously. And like, for some reason, you love just hitting me up on Snapchat and then text me an hour

later. Wait, what did I say again? Yeah. And I'm just like, just text me. Just, I don't want to see a dick pick. Just text me. Just talk to me. Well, that's the thing is it's one of those where like, I have about like 10 Filipino men that

I sexed with on Snapchat. And I have to message other people. So it'll clear, you know what I mean? So if your girlfriend ever looks at your Snapchat best friend. She'll see I'm talking to Joey. Like Philly from the Philippines? Philly from the Philippines. Philip from the Philippines

who now lives in Philadelphia. Nice. Yeah, that's a fun little story arc for a character. People are going to be listening to Zerbeak. This is smart. This is what I... Well, because like scientists can smoke DMT, but they can also not be scientists

talking about Philly from Philippines and Philly. Well, that's what I was talking about really. I want to run this like a shitty Joe Rogan so I have like local doctors on and try to get them to smoke DMT. But it would be funny if the guys just like, I'm a pediatrician. What are you doing? And I'm like, smoke this now.

We're going to talk about the solar system. He's like, this is just not what I do. Yeah, no, I give a little booster shots to like seven-year-olds and try to bang the stepmom. I was like, come on. Oh, is that what a pediatrician does? Yeah, what's a booster shot? I feel like I had one when I was in. I used to be scared to go to a bigotian.

I'm sometimes excited because it would be the only person to touch your balls when you were like 11. And I remember I'd always request a female. I don't know if you could do that or I tell my mom. Can I get a female pediatrician? I don't know if that was like, I don't know if my requests were going through because occasionally it was a dude, now be disappointed.

Wait, wait, that's so weird because I had a female pediatrician, and then when I turned 11, I was like, wait, they're going to be touched my balls and shit. Can I get a guy? Well, that's because you're gay, Joey.

No, it's because, like, I wanted a guy pediatrician because I wanted to ask him about, like, men stuff. I don't want to ask some woman. I'm like, yo, how come, like,

I fucking been jizzing in my sleep recently? Yeah, I can have that conversation with a lady who's, like, a nice sweetheart. I was all into, I remember like this one, like, I remember what was like done down there and touched in my balls. I was like, are you sure you're done?

I was like, did you see this part of it? There's other angles. No. I didn't say that, but I did say, I was like, are you sure you done? Okay, you're good. I will admit, whenever I had a female doctor, like at my dick, I was upset that I was soft and I always like wish I could be like a half job. You're like, I'm sorry, it's not you.

It's me. This doesn't always happen. I sorry to God. My last pediatrician, we fucked. I swear to God. I needed to calm in the whole thing. You're just sitting. on like the foot of like the bed.

Just like with your head and your hands. Just give me a second. Aggressively like drinking off. I swear I can get it back up. Yeah. Yeah. No, I, I always wanted to play this one prank though.

I've got a prostate exam recently. I didn't play this prank. I've always wanted to leave a certain... What are you? 50 years old? Why did they have a prostate exam? How bad is your cholesterol? What are we doing?

It's bad. I mean, I eat like microwaveable sausage sandwiches. It's bad. Yeah, I often you breakfast today. And you were like, no, I don't need breakfast because I had 7-Eleven earlier. Yeah, no, I'm good.

I'm good. You're good. Yeah. But the prank I've always wanted to pull this. I've always wanted to go for a prostate exam, but have another surgical glove hanging out of my ass. It must have been from the last one. No, no, don't put on a new one. We can recycle.

Just to just use this. But there's so many things you could do. You could leave, like, a condom hanging out. You could, I've always wanted to also get a, like, testicular exam and tuck it between my legs. And pretend I left it at home. Like, these are, like, great pranks. But I don't know when it, because. comes sexual harassment?

Well, like, it depends. I feel like doctors have a good sense of humor because I feel like there's that that classic line you here where it's like, we got to give you a rectal something. Sorry, that's the little doctor joke we do around here. Yeah, yeah. Or like, got to take you out to dinner first.

Oh, yeah. And then they pause. It's a little doctor joke we do around here. So I feel like, I feel like... Or like they'll start watching gay porn with you and then they're like bend over and you're like, is this procedure? They're like, ah, I'm just messing with you.

And like, maybe if you like nail it with a little tucking, condom in the asshole, jeweling makeup for coming down from your eyes. They'll be like, nurse, get in here. This guy's a ride. You got to see this shit. Hold on,

hold on. Tiffany's going to love this. Yeah, yeah. I would love... Stay right there. Yeah. Then I started thinking about if I went dressed up as a French maid

and wanted to be dominated about it. But I was thinking of Alexander, a great thing we were talking about earlier. Yeah. But you have to pillage... I'm not into that, though. I do like watch a porn where like girls dominant.

dudes, but like the cross-dressing, it's just not... Dude, I don't like the whole girl-dominating thing. I also don't like the porn videos where it's like a guy who looks like he's like 13 years old. Like, he's a grown man. I would hope you didn't like. No, no, no, he's like a grown man,

but like they dress him up like a little school kid. Well, that looks like me right now. I got one of those spitty hats on. I know. I have that for like a sketch I made and I just kept it around because I thought it was cute. All those props in the corner of my apartment

is just like props for like sketches and shit. Dude, I used to like have bra boxes like that, but then, like, you... Then you got a girlfriend? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like, we don't need a role play anymore. We can just have normal, casual sexy side of. And I'm like, no, I want to wear the Spinney hat.

Yeah, come on. You don't want to dress up like my mom for a second? Well, what we do is I pretend like I'm lost at a grocery store and I have this. And I'm like, I can't find my parents. And then she's like, I'll be your parents. Ooh, I love that. You're calling her mommy. You're speaking her.

You're asking her, can I please get two cookies today? Yeah, it's get out of control. Hey, hey, hey, I don't care what the last boy did. You only get one cookie. store. And then we sometimes we play Mexican family though. Mexican mom and son. So I wear one of those backpacks with the leash on it.

And I have helies and I ride around Disney World and she like just tugs at me and stuff and that's what we do. So I've never done this. By the way, none of this actually happens. I hate having to give disclosures when we talk about Oh my God, dude. Just let it live. Let it happen. Let people wonder, is Michael

Mexican boy running around Disneyland? The world will never know. Like come on. Like that is Just like, ruined it. I feel dirty now. That's a good point. All right. No more disclaimers. Yeah.

Yeah. Like my, like my nipples are hard and now they're soft. And it's all because of that disclaimer. I fucked up, man. I'm sorry. I'll do better. I'll be better.

Be better for you. Be better for me. For them. For them. You guys at home. Thank you for fucking listening. For your family. But, um, dude.

I was going to say something. I never did this. But I had this girl on Tinder who I was talking to for like, oh, you know, there was random girls you never meet, but you don't have talked. I was talking to them for like a whole year. That was me on like Facebook when I was like in middle school, yeah. Well, that's me on Tinder now as a 25 year old man. So I was talking to this girl for a long time.

It was all like sexual, hot and heavy. And she really was like begging me. She was like, can I like come over to your apartment? And can you be like dressed in a suit? And I'll be dressed like a school girl. And the whole thing is you're my mom's boyfriend. And my mom had to go out of town. And so she had to drop me off at your apartment until like she came back.

And I just had to do homework. I'm like, okay. So where was this going? She goes, I don't want you to hit on me at all. I just want you to, like, do your thing and I do my thing. What kind of homework was it? And then like, as the night goes on,

I'll eventually, like, try to fuck you. And you have to, like, resist because you're like a good boyfriend to my mom. And like, you don't want that. But after a couple hours of me teasing you give in. And she was like, can we like, can you commit to this? I'm like, have you seen any of my dumb sketches on YouTube? I am not a good actor. I can't commit to her all like that.

Also. Like, if you're, like, dressed up like a schoolgirl fucking second on a lollipop. I'm going to cave in after, like, 20 minutes, you know? Yeah. I can't. So she was like, I really need you to, like, really nail this role. And I'm like, what, what wrong in your childhood where you need this like five, five hour, like, fucking Shakespearean play to go down? She's like, this is act too now.

There's a little bit of character development. So basically, this is where you cave in on your desires and you bang her. Yes, but she was like, you have to wear a suit. And, like, you actually have to, like, be doing, like, normal things around the house. Like, maybe watch a baseball game, clean the dishes, like, like, yell at me for, like, for, like, not doing my homework. I'm like, you got to do one of those things where you make the, what is it, the sailboat in the glass bottle. Oh, yeah, yeah. They just be super pissed when I interrupt you.

You're just like, God damn it. Get the fuck out of here. This is my sailboat. Don't fuck up sailboat time. This is for me. Yeah, I'm, you're only here because I'm paying your mom. Yeah, yeah. We're not even engaged or anything.

I don't even know why she trust me with you. Have you talked one more time? This is weird. She's a shitty mom. She's a piece of fucking shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to show you how shitty your mom is. I'm going to fuck you.

And then she goes, come on, wait a little longer before you get you. Yeah, yeah. That sounds exhausting. I know. I talk about teasing. I'm like, the only thing we're doing is not having sex at this point. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, if that's a girl thing, too, where they're like, I don't know. It's so, it's such a game player. They're like, I want a guy that plays no games. And they'll have, like, the most complicated game. And they're like, well, no, I want you to be, like, sort of into me, but, like, not fully into me. But then also, like, don't ignore me. And you're like, this is a thousand different things. Can I give you my theory about crazy sex?

Yes. So, you know how, like, girls, like, I'm not trying to generalize here, but you know, like, a lot of girls are like, I just want to, like, cuddle and have, like, normal boyfriend and girlfriend sex. It's not generalized. I know dumb whores or stupid bitches and all of them are the same. Is that what you were getting at? Yeah, yeah. So, you know, this is my theory, though. I need you to really follow along with me here because I'm getting someone kind of brilliant.

You know how like a lot of girls like claim like they just want to have cuddle and do like missionary sex and then cuddle. Do you want to have cuddle? That sounds weird. I want to have cuddle with. I want to have cuddle with you. Come on. So you know how like they just want to do cuddles and like missionary sex and like be boyfriend and girlfriend and you like stuff. And then like all of a sudden you get into like crazy kinky sex and they act as if it's like the guys thing.

Yeah. I really think hear me out. I think all the craziest stuff that happens in sex is because of women and not men. because listen to me, I think men are so horny all the time that we'll take whatever we can get. If you're like, oh, you just want to be boring missionary on my bed right now. I'm horny as fuck. I'll do that. Whatever you need me to do, I'll do.

But the thing is, I think girls know that, like, they have the power of having sex. And just having normal sex is, like, not big enough for them. And because, like, and I think, like, anytime you're doing crazy sex, like, anytime I've had sex in a public bathroom, anytime I've had like sex on my balcony. It's been with a girl, not a guy. No, no, no. That's, I think you're really odd to something here. Anytime I've done sex like in a weird, crazy, like, timer place or like, it's always

been the girl's idea because I, in my experience, I'm like so horny that I don't need to have sex at any certain special place. I always didn't have sex whenever the girl will want me to have sex. And it's the girl who's always like, you know, there's like subway bathroom we're at? I'm like, yeah, like, let's get a foot long. No, no, no. I want your four-incher in the bathroom now. And I'm like, I can we-

You're like, they only serve 12-inch-6-inch. I don't know where, where am I supposed to? And I'm just like, why can't we just like go home? That's a slider. That's what it is. That's a slider sandwich. But I'm just like, why can we just go home and have sex? She goes, it's now and never motherfucking.

I'm like, oh, I'm horny, let's do it. Yeah, yeah, that is weird. Do you feel me? Am I making me sense? I feel like it's never the guy's idea. Sometimes, sometimes, no. So I think guys, like, when they consistently, I feel like the first time guys have sex to the girl, they're like, whatever, I don't give a shit, wherever.

But I think after a while, sometimes then the guy gets, like, kind of bored of having sex the same way. So that's when the guy starts introducing more like, okay, we should do this with my high school yearbook open. And I'm going to be looking at my football coach and being like, this is, you thought, said I had no technique. This is technique, you fucking pussy. You played football in high school? A middle school. Okay, okay. But like, you still, it had an impact on you where you have to think about him during sex often?

Yeah. I mean, that's the only thing. I can think about, yeah. Yeah. I think about all the time he yelled at me. It's like a montage of my brain. You know what I mean? I'm seeing like in the field and he's just like,

you know, I remember he, one of those, it's like a movie, he took my cleats and he threw them in the river and he's like, you really want to play a ball? You get those cleats out of the river now. And we actually live by no rivers, so. Really?

I feel like Florida's like, like chock full of rivers. Like they got the... A lot of creeks. I guess we have wider rivers. We don't have, I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't know geography or rainforest. All I know is that I have a lot of

sexual fantasies about my first basketball coach because my first basketball coach was my dad. Oh, okay. Yeah, but like that's, that's everyday stuff. Well, this is common. I feel like you go to like some crazy, like doctor, they would be sex. They're like, that's normal. You want to have sex with every member of your family. Everybody has that.

Well, well, it's not your fault that your dad was so sexy as a basketball coach. Yeah, they're like, you know, that was your mistake now, Joey. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, he knew what he was doing when he threw on those gym shorts and called you boy. I'm like, oh, God. You know me so well. I don't know why I just randomly thought about this, but we had one kid one time. Well, first off, my, the football coach fucking hated me because I fucked around so much.

And like, I basically would just distract the other football players because I was friends to everybody. I joined football. I literally thought that I would get pussy if I played middle school football. Did it work? No. Well, I got it outside of football. I'll be like, hey, what's up? But they would never be like, like, I thought you'd get your pads and then it was like a ticket to go get a blowjob.

I thought you were like, here you go. It just, but I didn't realize if you fucking suck. So you were like watching. Blue Mountain State, like 11 year old and Milan. Oh, football equals blow jobs. Let's get my dick sucked. 100%. That's what I thought, yeah.

I like that. I like that theory. But, and I still don't get me wrong. I fingered a lot of girls in middle school. If you were listening to this, I was very cool in middle school, but it wasn't because of football. But I also realized if you fucking suck at football. It just causes you a very forceful man. That's not what it is. No, Joey, no, no. It was, uh... It was consensual, I hope.

Yeah, it was because I knew all the bad. words and I was funny. But, I was like your thing, I'm Michael good. And I know words that are worse than good. Yeah, yeah. That's what it was.

Like fuck shit, cunt horse lot. When I learned cunt, that was like the big, I was like, cool for no one cunt. Really? Cunt? I'm still shocked that cunt is like such a bad word because it doesn't

sound like I'm cursing when I say cunt. It just like, like, like, you know, just like it sounds like a, you know, whatever word to me. Like, can't, cunt, cuckold.

It's all the same. Yeah. All same family. Yeah, so. But let me give back to what I was saying. So I, but I remember the football coach fucking hated me. And what happened was, um, he, I bought energy drinks for everybody and you're not supposed to be drinking energy drinks.

And I remember he like, it was like a school field trip and he like screamed at me. Because everybody bailed on me. Everybody saw me. And they pointed right to me like, he's a guy that got his energy drinks. And, uh, yeah, that was a horrible story. I just realized midway through. I was like, that was, wait, wait, but that, that, that, I'm glad you. brought that up because that segues to a great story

about middle school that I have. Really? I started dating this girl Courtney Traven. She had big old titties and like she was the hottest girl in seventh grade. It's kind of fucked up because... Was the neighbor's dog also named Courtney Trayvon? Is that what happened? So, so I started dating this girl. And it's kind of fucked up because you know how I started dating her, Michael?

She was dating a friend of mine. And I guess like we went to like a spin-the-bottle party, but he like couldn't go to that party. And I was like, Courtney, we had a kissing party. and you don't have a boyfriend and I don't have a girlfriend so like, what are we gonna do? So you just, you cucked this guy.

Yeah, I totally stole his girlfriend. And then she literally goes, wow, you're a better at kissing than my boyfriend. We should be boyfriend and girlfriend. I'm like, I'm saying, let's do it. And then I went to school a minute and he goes, what happened this week? And I'm like, what happened is

we're not friends anymore. Jesus, great. And so anyways. Yeah, I'm never going to let you hang out my girlfriend ever now. So, no, I don't do that anymore because I don't go to spend the bottle parties anymore. I go to like more like sophisticated like uh parties at like rich kids mansions.

Oh yeah, like last night. Yeah. So, um, anyways, I'm dating this girl. She like is like a super horny middle schooler by super horny. When you were in middle school. She's, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so I'm in seventh grade.

I'm with this girl who like wants to like kiss with tongues all the time. Like that was a big deal. Like tongues? Like she's like, oh, la la la la, God is in me. Yeah. She's bringing out snakes. She's like, I want to kiss the tongues. A la la la la la la la.

Because the last guy dated the other girl named Lauren only wanted a peck. She was like, I'm not ready for the tongues, Joey. I'm like, but why? Just open your fucking mouth and give me your tongue, you asshole. So I had to dump my girlfriend. She dumped her boyfriend so we could finally do the tongue kissing, which was, that was like, that felt like sex for me at the time. Yeah, yeah. So, and this, you'll love this.

The other part you all like comes in. She's like, Joey, I got invited to like an eighth gradeist party. And they said, I could bring you. And I'm like, fuck yeah. You know who the eighth grader was? Connor Kennedy. You know, like Taylor Swift dated like a Kennedy recently? No, I don't know.

So like Taylor Swift dated like some Kennedy dude that you cheated on with Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. She like left the Kennedy for a Schwarzenegger because like their cousins and shit. Yeah, yeah. But that's besides the story. So I'm at Connor Kennedy's house. He's in eighth grader.

I'm in seventh grade. And it's all these cool eighth grade guys hanging out. Okay? And they all, I swear to God, Michael. I think they're so cool. You know why? Why?

Conner Kennedy in his eighth grade friends bring out like a, like a Costco pack of Red Bulls. And I'm like, oh, that was a cool. Yeah. And all these people are just drinking Red Bulls. They're acting like they're drunk. And the thing is, I had older brothers, Michael. I know what's cool.

What Red Bull is? I'm like, it's just caffeine. You're just going to be hyper. There's no alcohol. Like, no one's drunk or high. And my girlfriend literally had to be like, Joey, stop being a bus kill in front of the eighth grade boys. And I'm actually, I guess she's like, Joey, I don't feel safe here.

We got to get out of here. No, no. She's like, don't be a bus on one of the eighth grade boys and drink the red bowl. I'm like, I don't want to drink red bull

because I don't like caffeine. I don't need, I'm a hyper boy. I listen to me. I'm fucking hyper without the caffeine. Yeah, she's like, I want to do like more things sexually

and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing them if you're not also drinking red bowl. Really? And I'm like, oh, so I have to be corn to quote. This is the Rob Deirdick thing. She's like, you got to be head to tail

in monster energy apparel while like hyped up. That was energy drinks were very cool. First off, Middle school energy drinks are cool, but especially in like the 2000s era like that it was very cool. But the thing is she thought she was getting drunk, Michael. So I had to get drunk with her. And so I'm drinking the Red Bull.

She's drinking the Red Bull. But she has the placebo going where she actually is acting drunk. So now I'm going to like finger her and shit and do like hand jobs and shit. In my mind, I'm like, am I taking advantage of this girl right now? Because she like thinks she's drunk right now and I'm totally aware that she's not drunk. but I'm like, yeah, jerk me off. Let's do this thing. That's so funny that you're like, the next day.

She's just like, Joey, I wasn't in the right state of mind there. I know, I know, dude. Because you also couldn't be more in the right state of mind than taking Red Bull. Like, you're literally, your decision making is like enhanced. But I think it's like the placebo work. The placebo clearly worked because I saw all these middle school kids literally do things that they would never actually do. Like, I remember this one kid was out. They would do them, but they wanted to.

excuse. You know what I mean? They're like, oh, now I can blame it on the Red Bulls. So I'm gonna act like an idiot. Yeah, I used to do that when I drink like the littlest bit of alcohol in middle school and then I would just act like a dickhead. And I'll be like, oh, dude, I was fucking hammered. But really I was like, nah, I just wanted to get naked. But I blame it. Like I peed on my buddies. Garrett, if you're listening, I peed on your carpet and I knew exactly what I was doing. I said I was drunk. I was kind of drunk. And it was just like, this is a good excuse to penis carpet. Well, I feel that way all the time because like, we have a friend who recently went on Instagram

and was like really drunk right now should I like text my ex-boyfriend stuff while I'm mad at him and I remember reading that and I was like you're not you were gonna do this anyways

you got drunk so you could do that yeah yeah like I get so mad when I see on Instagram or just see at parties people doing things specifically because they needed an excuse to do that thing. Yeah, that's such a thing. And like, you're 20 fucking five, you're 30 years old. Like, you're not 11 years old peeing on your friend's carpet. You're like 30 years old.

Still peeing on your friend's carpet. Like, come on. Yeah, yeah. Get drunk, but like, don't be so premeditated about it, you psychopath. Yeah. I fucking hate that shit. Yeah, it's like, we knew that you wanted to drive your car over a kid riding a bicycle. You don't have to pretend like you accidentally got drunk at the bar to do that. Yeah, that's why when I went over people write little kids riding bicycles. I want everyone to know, like, I'm doing that because that's who I am. And I end up. Yeah, it's not just something out of the blue where you're like, oh, I'm drunk. It's like, no, this is my town. I drive here. You don't ride your bicycle here. This is not, this isn't bicycle land where we all just have a good time. This is drive drunk land

where I get hammered and have fun. And that's why George W. Bush is the greatest president of all time because he did that all drunk. He did not care. He was sober in office. But there is like stories, like, he has like D-U-I's and shit, where, like, he, like, has parked on, like, George Sr.'s front yard. Just shit-faced. And, like, Jeff has been coming out. Dad's going to be pissed. What are you doing?

Yeah. Just imagine Jeb just yelling at George. Come on. Let's clean this up before dad comes down. Oh, shit. He's here. Yeah. The Bush is classic.

What a family. What a great family. I, um, fun fact, I learned. I was writing this joke. By the way, I think this is something I stand by. putting dresses on monkeys is creepy. You could dress up your pet monkey, but if you put a dress on it, it's weird.

Like, I'd rather see a guy with a dog and peanut butter than a guy with a monkey and a dress. Because if a guy with a dog and peanut butter, that guy has needs. A guy with the monkey in a dress, it's like a weird desire. Like, he wants to dance with it and play like old music.

It's creepy to me. But I found out through this because I was trying to figure this out, beastiality is a federal crime, or it's not a federal crime. So it's a state-by-state issue, which is hilarious to me, because that means there's probably some guy in, like, Texas

who's like, oh, yeah, I get it. You don't fuck cows in New York. But that's because you guys don't have to deal with cows surrounded by you. Like, why else, that's weird that it's like a state by state. Well, you, it's weird. The thing that I find so weird is that the goat keeps coming up as, like, an okay thing to fuck. Like, there's a play about a guy fucking a goat. There's, like, a movie where, like, there's lots of things, like, in literature and art and movies

where like, oh, and there's even a country where, like, it's very common in the Middle East, I think the Middle East, where, like, everyone just fucks goats. Like, it's, you know, like, out of all the animals to fuck, like, human societies all around the world are like, dude, if you're going to fuck an animal, fuck a goat. I'm always like, why a goat? Why does this, why is this the common?

Because it makes a fun noise. You're banging it's like, bam, man. And bah sounds like, yeah. But it doesn't sound like no. so they consent to it. That's what it is. Dude, you should do that on the sentence.

Bad, bad. It's like, that was, yeah, that was, yeah, we're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, have you heard of anything about fucking goats? Well, the goat thing, when happened was they were spying on ISIS, and one of the ISIS dudes was just fucking a goat. Really? Oh, my God.

It's a great thing. Dude, that's what I'm saying this. If you type in man fuck's goat, it's all over the intent. There's so many different cases of people fucking goats. And I'm like, how come no one's mixing it up? There's other sexy animals out there. I disagree. I think donkeys are big.

There's donkey shows where people fuck don't. No, but I feel like that's a woman. I feel like women fuck the donkey because they got donkey cocks. Yeah, but I also heard a story about a guy here, one second, goat, Ices. I don't think men can fuck horses because they'd get their kicked in the teeth type of thing. And donkeys are like the poor man horse. I couldn't afford a horse, so I got a donkey. You know?

Am I making sense? Are you sure the microphone's picking up? Are you speaking into it? I hope so. Well, you know how your microphone works, so it should be fine. I mean, yeah. Yeah, look at this dude. This dude from ICE is fucking a goat.

Oh, let me see this shit. Come on. So, can Jimmy pull it up, actually? Jamie? Yeah, Jamie, pull that picture up with the ISIS member fucking a goat. No, not that one, Jamie. Come on, you know the one I'm talking about. I love, yeah, dude.

I kind of get it because, like, look at this picture. Like, their asses look ready to be banged. Maybe that's all it is. Oh, I like that this person has, they have a, you know how, like, walkers have those old tennis balls? They have tennis balls on the goat's horns. By the way, just to clarify, it's a zoomed out. picture of the goat fucking. You can't see a whole lot.

So I'm not just looking up goat porn. It's like you see a man and then you see a goat, but you can't really see it? Can we look up goat porn? As it gets a law, Joey. Yeah, it's a state law. It's a betterly, we're fine. We're not going to get investigated by the FBI, but the local state New York government might have an issue with it.

It's a little bit early for goat fucking. Maybe like after a few beers. You watch two goats fuck and you watch two men fuck, but you can't watch two men fuck a goat. Interesting. You know the movie Love Actually? I know about it. I did, if it's about a person fucking goat, then I'm glad I haven't seen it earlier. Because that sounds like a way better movie than what I thought it was.

No, love act was like a really, really like cutesy, lovey-dovey. Let's all have the whole family get together and believe in love for an hour and a half. You know, I love that. See, that Isis Goat video is that version for my family. I didn't believe in true love until I saw some tyrus fucking go. Yeah, you're like, wow. We think they hate all the time, but they love. They love, they just don't love America.

They love. Go. So in love actually, if you own the DVD, like I do, there's, there's like the deleted scenes. And it's so weird because, like, the whole movie is, like, really, like, lovey-dovey, happy-go-lucky, life's amazing, you're amazing. Let's all be amazing type of movie. And then I watched the deleted scenes, and then it's something like really fucked up parts. It would have been a different movie if they added the lead-de-scenes. And there's, like, an inside joke that the movie, that Liam Neeson's character, like, you know, Liam Neeson from Taken?

Yeah, I know. Well, he plays like a lovey-dovey stepdad in that movie. He doesn't fuck the kid, though. So anyways, he plays like a lovy-dovey stepdad. And then in the movie, in the deleted scenes, so throughout the movie, there's an inside joke that he wants to fuck, Heather. Graham or Heather Lacular.

One of those, like, Claudia Schiffer, she's like a British model. So the other whole movie, he's like, oh, if I could date any go on the world, it would be Claudia Schiffer. That's a joke throughout the movie. And there's a weird deleted scene where his, like, where his friend is like, you look up anyone names. naked on Google because it's like a 2003 movie. So like the idea of Google's new.

He goes, you type in any celebrity. You can make you picture them on Google. And so the scene where he types in like Claudia Schiffer naked and there's some website comes up like Claudia Schiffen fucking animals. And he's like, click. And he just like starts jerking off to like a picture of Claudia Schiffer like fucking like donkeys and seahorses and fucking. You know how small seahorses?

You'd have to like funnel them into your vagina. Dude, dude, it was early 2000s bad photoshopping. They were doing it all. It was like one of those seahorses that's like rocking back and forth. You know sea horses could be born a boy and grow up and become a woman? I didn't know that. Yeah, dude. It's like they're one of the, there's few animals out there that like can change it.

I'm still not letting him use the same bathroom as my daughter. That's my fucking. I apologize to the guest. That's an old tweet I made about Mr. Potato Head. But I brought it back. You know what? Oh yeah.

What happened with the? I haven't been on Twitter the past two weeks. So what happened with Mr. Potato Head? He's trying to participate in high school sports, but people aren't cool with it because he's doing MMA and he's like fighting children and it's getting very bad. Well, fighting children is okay if they fucking have been talking back. And if a kid talks back, he'll have to spank him a little bit. You're talking to here. And who cares if it's your kid or not?

Kids should not be allowed to speak unless spoken to in my opinion. I agree completely. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes they have little girls wear burkers. I think it should just be a rope around the mouth. Apple, get them some vitamins in there, you know? Duck tape.

Duck tape, everybody. And then if they want to, yeah, exactly. They should be allowed to sing on Easter and that's it. Even though there's no singing on Easter, it's a new rule. I kind of think that's funny. You tape like an apple to a little kid's mouth and goes, if you want to speak, your fruits and vegetables first. Come on.

Yeah, yeah. And then you have to chew through it. Yeah, that's a great idea. Think about your kids are getting vitamins that way. that's way better than I got vitamins. Yeah, how did you get vitamin? The football coach would, he would... Shuff supplements up your ass?

No, that's disgusting. He would shove a syringe of supplements into my wiener. Oh, I forgot that... I forget you from Florida, like Connecticut, Florida. Different coaching styles, you know? Different coaching styles. Yeah, yeah, that's what the Florida offenses, you know? Just a lot of needles.

I don't know. How did this get started? We're... Because I had a point on what we were saying before. Let's backtrack. You were talking about dressing up like a woman. That was like...

Fucking a pediatrician. Uh, uh, I talked about... I'm talking about like 10 seconds ago. Fucking goats. In between goats, love actually... Okay, there's something about that.

There was the play button. Some guy watching the video of the girl. Yeah, I don't know. Let's just change the subject. I broke up my girlfriend yesterday. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I feel we needed a segue.

I don't know that's interesting or not. But I feel really bad about it because she text me on Thursday being like, yo, we need to talk about our relationship ASAP. And so that's a breakup, right? Yeah, yeah.

So do you beat it to the punch? No, no, no, no. Instead, she texted me this right before I did a comedy show. So I do these things on Twitch where like, so like I have this thing on Twitch where like, it's not a lot of people,

but it's like 200 to 300 people tune into me. That's good. And so I had a storytelling show on Twitch. And then after that, I do my podcast on Twitch. And so for like two hours straight on my comedy show and then my podcast in front of like 300 people

that I don't know, I'm just basically shitting on my girlfriend. I'm like, I got this text of my girlfriend. She said, we need to talk about our relationship. And you know what? Fuck her.

I don't even talk about shit because she kind of sucks. And I totally like, like, lean into it and like say, all this bad stuff about her. Just like, it was very immature of me.

But the chat was loving. Like the Twitch people thought it was hilarious. It was like the most like comments I ever got on a Twitch thread. So I was like, oh, like people like people like me

shitting on my dumb girlfriend. I got to lean into this. And the more, like, viewers I got, the more I leaned into it. And so I'm like, oh, I just, that was cathartic. I just went on Twitch and fucking shit on my girlfriend for a while. Yeah. And then I, um...

And then she listened to it, I assume. No, she didn't listen to it. And then we, the next day, we had the talk. And she could not have been really nicer or sweeter. Like, I instantly regretted everything. She was like, yeah, when you talk about our relationship, because I decided to,

she's like in college. She says, I decided to transfer to a school near my home because it's too expensive to live in New York City. You know you say precurs instead of because? What do I say? Becurs. Because. Because.

There you go. Because. Now I'm in my head. That's all good. But this, long story short, she was like, yeah, I got to move back home and that's fucked up for me to ask you to do long distance. Yeah. You're doing so well in life and I'm so proud of you.

and if I'm holding you back, I just want you to know that you don't need to feel obligated to stay with me. I would love to stay with you. That's the nicest breakup ever. It was the sweetest thing. And I was like, yeah, I don't want to do long distance, you dumb whore. And she was like, I totally get it. I am a dumb whore. I hope you didn't actually say that.

And then I'm like, fuck, I got to delete everything I did on Twitch because I totally. Oh, yeah, yeah. And the biggest thing that I shed on her is for this. Let me show you. So, let me get into it. Yeah, yeah. So, so basically throughout our relationship, I bought her, like, really nice gifts, jewelry, paid for all the meals. Like, you know, I was...

All the meals? Most of the meals, yeah. Jesus Christ, dude, that's way more than I deal for my girlfriend. We'll have, like, a date night where I pay for it, but it's not like every night. But you're also looking at, like, a five-year thing. Yeah, yeah. Like, I'm trying to impress her to, like, make her a five-year thing, you know? That sort of thing.

And so, anyways, I'm being, like, the best boyfriend ever. And then she did one nice thing for me. She was like, Joey, I know you like Irish Spring soap. So I went out shopping the other day and look what I got you. She got me a lifetime supply of Irish spring soap. And I'm like, that's, I'm like, how much soap to use? That's three boxes. This is like a lifetime supply.

What do you mean? No, dude, dude, dude, think about it. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve. There's so much soap in this box. Yeah, dude, this is like, this is like, wait, let's count. this six, three, okay, it's, it's not lifetime. Yeah. It's 15.

I get what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 15, she got me 15 balls of soap. Yeah. Not the point. The point is she like made it seem as if like she like really went all out to like get me a nice gift. She was like, I really like, like you do so much for me. I had to do something for you.

And then it was just so. And then after she gives me the soap, which is so weird. She goes, and by the way, I don't want you to think that like I like went to like dead or spent too much on you, I'm a couponer. And so with my couponing, this was actually, like, came out to, like, $4. And I'm just like, first off, I don't care how much soap you buy me. You're not going to go into credit card debt buying soap. Yeah, yeah.

No, like, like, Irish Spring soap. Like, like, if she was, like, buying L'Oreal, maybe I get it. But, like, this is fucking Irish spring. You buy this at a dollar store, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So, so I'm like, first of, I'm like, not a good gift. Second off,

I knew it didn't cost a lot of money. Three, you made it worse by telling about the coupon. And fourth, she got me soap, Michael. Yeah, yeah, that's nothing to brag about.

So anyways, on the podcast and the Twitch feed, I'm just like fucking shitting on her, showing the soapy, being like, this girl wants to break up with me. I should be breaking up with her. Yeah. And then I realized

it was a very amical, like, reason she was breaking up with it. She didn't even break up with me. She asked me, I want to break up with her because of what she's doing. And I was like, yeah, I do want to break up with you. I don't want to fucking stay long distance. Would you want to do long distance in New Hampshire?

That'd be awful. I just wouldn't date people from New Hampshire. Yeah, dude. They're a little bit racist. The little pal skin. Well, hang on. I didn't know this. Yeah.

All right. Maybe in New Hampshire, maybe I changed my mind on it. Yeah, well, let's go to New Hampshire and fuck shit out. Man, I like racist women. Because you know what that means? They're not going to blank back. They're going to blank blah, blah, blah. It sounded like they were like, they're not going to being Batman.

man. That's literally how you sounded. No, don't be racist. I hate that I have to emphasize. I'm done. I'm done. You know what,

listeners? I'm done having to say everything's a joke. You know what's a joke. It's not every fucking joke I have them. Like, oh, by the way, I actually like Jewish people. I don't know why.

They get it. I saw the dark night. It was a good movie. Yeah, I was kidding. Oh, yeah. Bangin Batman. I don't know. That would be hard with his...

No, no, but it'd be funny if you were like, like, I don't hate black people. I don't hate Batman. I'm sorry. I think he's black. I'm like, no, he wears the suit. He's a black guy.

He's wearing black face if you think about it. Yeah, that's what it is. And have you not seen the LED lights below the Batmobile? Actually, it's more of a Mexican thing, isn't it? I don't know about Mexicans and LED lights. Spinners. No, that would still be Mexican. Spinners?

There's like a point in category of point in point of quote spinners. I don't know what it means. I know what it is. I think it's like the girls very small so you can like spin on the dick. Oh, I mean, does that, would that hurt the dick? I feel like, it would I feel nice? I had no, I'm curious. Dude, we try it.

All right. All right. Let's get some prostitutes here. Let's ask him to spin on our dicks. My girlfriend would have no problem with that. Mike, it's part of the podcast. You know, want me to have a career in broadcasting?

This is how Larry King started. You're talking about Howard Stern? I think how it's, I don't know, Larry King. Larry King had prostitutes on his radio show. Always, always banging him. He was just like, get over here. Let me see that pushy.

That's just Joe Biden. Biden. I don't know why. Yeah. Let me smell your hair. Yeah, yeah. Dude, it's funny. Larry King, he's one of my favorite people ever, and he fucked.

That guy fucked. Oh, yeah. He fucked hard. He fucked. He fucked. Like, if you, if you fuck enough girls, you can't even say... You become Larry King. No, no, no.

I was going to say, you have to, like, add a you to every girl you fuck. So if you got one guy, it's fuck. But if you fuck, like, ten girls, it's fucked. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. And then if you fuck, like, a thousand girls, like, I fuck. Yeah. Like, and then he stopped blowing a dick in between.

That's the progression, yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because, like, why wouldn't you? You fucking homophobic asshole? Yeah, we don't tolerate that now. If any of my listeners have not sucked a penis, just get off. Yeah, start off with a small dildo, maybe a banana, and work your way up. You'll get there.

Yeah, absolutely. No, I couldn't agree more with that. I think Larry King probably had lots of sex. Yeah, I believe he did. Never with a donkey, though, or a goat. I mean... Because he wanted real consent. Yeah, he wanted real consent.

But I would love the footage of Larry King fucking a goat. goat. It'd be fun. It'd be sexy. So tell me how you got started being a goat. He's like, bah, mah, ma'am. Wow, that's fascinating. Okay, tell me more about that.

Oh, my God. I love a, I love when Larry King. I heard this interview with him where he's like, they were like, what makes you such a good interview? And he goes, it's not what I do. It's what the guests do. I have such good guests who talk. And I just listen.

I'm like, fuck you, you asshole. Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, you're just that anyone can do it. That, that's why Steve Jobs is an asshole. I hate Steve Jobs. Because Steve Jobs once said, like, once I asked him like, oh, Steve Jobs, how did you become like such a billionaire Apple product making son of a bitch? And he was like, you know how?

Anyone can do it. I just tripped acid in college once. And I saw through the next side of God. How many kids took that same thing and just thought they were going to be him to be a job. Me, yeah. I was like, oh, I guess I got I take acid now to become a better comedian. And then all that. happened was nothing, nothing at all. I got high, I got sad, I saw elephants walking in the ceiling.

I'm like, this is, you just been tripping ball. Yeah, I was tripping sack, dude. I'm like, I don't think I'm breaking through to the next side. I think I'm breaking my brain. Yeah, yeah, there's, yeah, that's, that's so silly. I wish he had like a real pimp mentality. Like, they're like, what made you famous? You got to focus on your money and, uh, what's like a pimp phrase or something like that? You got to have a bottom bitch. Yeah. And you can't let anyone up your corner except for you. That's your corner. I'm wearing turtleneck, bitch. I'm fucking Steve Jobs.

Dude, Steve Jobs and pimps both wear turtlenecks. I just realized that. Yeah. Wow. Is Steve Jobs a pimp and are we his bottom bitches? We all, yeah, I think so. I love to be Steve Jobs' bottom bitch. I wouldn't let anyone take shit from him at all, you know?

No, yeah. And if Steve Jobs slapped me around, it's because I needed it. Of course, yeah, yeah. needed to be slept there on a little bit from Steve Jobs. When did he die? Which products was he like, I don't know. Like, what was the last thing? Was the tablet?

What was like the thing before he died? He brought out. Also, he totally disowned his son. He was like, have you seen the movie? He's like, that's not my son. The woman's like, this is your son. I'm pregnant. He's like, now you're a fucking other dudes.

That wasn't my son. He like totally disowned his son until he was like 30. That's, that's, not at 30. Sorry, until he was like way older. Wait, wait. That's really interesting because like, didn't his parents do the same thing to him? Did his parents?

Maybe. Maybe. own him. I'm pretty sure he wasn't raised by his parents. I'm pretty sure his mom was like, fuck you. Even though he came out of my vagina, I don't respect your face, so get out of here. And he was like, and then like he got taken him by another family and that family was

kind of chill, I guess. And then he reconnected with them at some point maybe. I don't know how, I never watched the Steve Job movies or read the books. All I know is that... You read the books? Were they better? No, no, I didn't read the books either. All I saw as this one interview where he was like, yeah, you got to do LSD and then I was like, I'm running with it. I'm running with it. I'm justifying

being a fuck up because that's what Steve. Steve Jobs told me to do. Yeah, yeah. If that, yeah, that's so funny because, like, there's so many people that will just do that. Like, they're like, yeah, I'm going to drop out of college and do as it because that's what Steve Jobs did. But it's like, he's also like very smart.

Well, that's how they're rich stay richer by giving poor people terrible advice. Yeah, it's so true. They're just like, yeah, what you got to do is actually crack. Crack. Crack rock is actually what brings you to success. Yeah, totally, man. You know that expression? Like McDonald's is so good.

It's like crack. Yeah. That's because they put crack in it. Yeah, that's what you got to do. Yeah, I just do crack, baby. soda crack. Wasn't that a simple plan, Larry? Something about smoke a crack.

McDonald's wouldn't even want to take it back. Oh, yeah. It's a good Charlotte lifestyle. Good Charlie. Yeah, yeah. Simple plan. I'm so horny. I wish you would fuck me.

My favorite is, do you ever see that show is scarred? I was just thinking about that the other day. It was like the guy he would show like... You brought this up to me before. That's the funny thing. Oh, really? But remind me.

So basically, they show people get into accidents. Like on like, like, cool 2000s, either motorists. cycle, skateboarding, surfing, stuff like that. And they have these injuries. And it's just like, the dude, it's the lead singer of popperoach. And he's just like, oh, dude. Like, it'll be somebody just like, they got like, they broke their neck or something like that.

They're just like in a wheelchair. And he's like, oh, dude, totally wipe out, bro. It was the lead singer of popperoge. Yeah, yeah. And he was like, I turned my heart open just to fail. Yeah. And you tore your heart open because you were surfing. Yeah.

Let's talk about it. Yeah, that's what it was. But he would just like, everything was just him reacting. you'd be like, dude, but it'd be people like, yeah, no, like, when did he slid his testicle open? Like, his ball sack? That was, like, the most popular episode. Everybody's like, I'm in, like, middle school, you're like, bro, did you watch scar last night? Yeah, dude, which is nuts.

I totally missed that. I also remember this other show that wasn't court scored that you just made me think of where, like, it was like a... It scarred you? Maybe. It was like a fox, maybe. It was like a fox, maybe it was like a guy. Maybe it was called, like, Reaper. It was about, like, some dude.

It was live... Bill O'Reilly. No. There was a fox. about this show about this guy who I guess I came back from the life but he came back from the dead and just wanted to have a sitcom

and it was like really good but I only saw one episode It was like weird actually sounds awesome I have no idea what that has to do with Scard starring Jacoby from Popper Roach but Jacobi was his name I never thought Papa Roach's guy would be Jacobi I thought he looked like a Bruce Honestly Bruce

He looked at Bruce maybe A A Sebastian maybe but definitely not a fucking Jacoby Papa Roach. That's his full name. Kobe Shaddix. Cicoboey Shaddix make more sense.

Oh God, he is a born to rock tattoo. That's so cool. Oh, yikes. I feel what he looks like. He would just be like, yeah. Wait, that's what he looks like. Yeah, yeah. I'm recording on here, too, just case that cuts out.

Wait a second. Like, he looks so different than I thought. He looks happier. I thought he'd look a lot more depressed. No, no, no. He's having a good time. He's like, oh, man. That's such a good song I saw myself

I like God's like getting away with murder Never saw that It was one's like Because I'm getting away with murder Getting away Getting away Somebody I remember in middle school My buddy's like dude you know what that song is about right

Somebody killed his friend and got away with murder And that's like not at all what happened But I was just like But like Even if that's the lyric of the song Like you would know it from hearing the fucking chorus You know that got murdered and the person got away with it.

I like the other one too. My favorite is, Cut my life in two pieces. This is my last resort. Oh, that's Popper, which I know that song. They got more hits. I only know a scar. Stereway to Heaven.

Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Everyone knows that's Guns N' Roses. Yeah, my bad. My bad. My bad. Wait, Michael, good disclaimer. Obviously, Starway to Heaven's Led Zeppelin.

I'm a classic rock fucking fanatic. That's how I would say it. And don't ever, like, think of me as, like, a Guns and Roses sings Stair and Avin. Because everyone knows Guns and Roses sings walking in the Jungle. Fuck you. That's me whenever I say something racially insensitive or, like, on my podcast, I'm like, wait, just to clarify, I don't hate gay people and women. Just so everybody out there knows.

Yeah, yeah, like, I don't care about being racist, but I do care about people. What if I just lost half my listeners? They're like, God damn it. I thought he was with us. Like, like, the guy just takes his clad off at, wow, I really got to change my podcast now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, God damn it. I thought I, they do have a podcast. The Klan? Yeah. What's the name of the show? Oh,

this is gonna be a hot riff. Yeah, yeah. I was trying to be a little longer. I don't like black podcast. I, uh,

no, stutter into a beatbox and do it. Yeah, I don't know. I've already talked to enough about the Klan podcast on here. This actually was originally just us reviewing it.

Oh, really? Oh, really? Three stars. I can't give it a four star because it was kind of racist, but I'm giving me three stars because of the editing quality. It was amazing, yeah, and sound quality. Yeah, yeah, like, I could really tell like they had, like, good microphones. Yeah, you're like, oh, my God, that's quality.

And the opening theme song was good. They probably have sponsorships, too, which is funny. Oh, no way. This is a sponsor for Black Repellent. Just like a product you spray on you, it's like... Yeah, if you ever get sick of people of color walking by you, just spray this. Yeah, they'll run away. I picture a whistle that just does police sirens.

And they'll just... Well, you know, my buddy who's black told me a really funny joke. He's a comic. And he was saying that he was like, I hate the woke white people who want to get rid of Confederate flags. Because black people, we need Confederate flags. because if it wasn't for Confederate flags, I wouldn't know what neighborhoods not to walk into. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, I need to know. The scariest thing is a hidden racist. There's nothing scarier than a secret racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want your racists to wear clan outfits, Confederate flags, rocking, like, cut off t-shirts. Those, you need those as a black man.

I'm like, wow, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, no. Like, I would want, if there was, like, yeah, I would not want to just randomly be hanging out with a person and then find out they just, like, hate, you know, I don't know. Yeah. I get what you're saying. I lost momentum there, but I agree. Yeah, yeah. Are we running out of steam? No, no. We're not going anywhere. We got eight fucking minutes and we're going to fucking do it. All right. Good. Eight fucking minutes. Good. Because that's how long this beat poem I wrote is.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was off in the show with you. Yeah. But yeah, I'm having a crazy week. I fucking broke my girlfriend. So I'm going to be vaccinated. So I'm excited for that. vaccinated only though you're going to make them show their yeah yeah i'm like if you want to show me you're bad you further have to show me you're vax oh yeah uh and um i was at a crazy week because i've been working on this the real housewife show yeah oh yeah yeah this real housewife show i think it's just called real housewife isn't it well well this week was real housewives vod out because basically all the housewives all come to new york city to meet andy cohen to do like a fucking andy cohen a union special but andy cohen's like i don't leave new york i'm in new york so if you want to talk to Andy Cohen.

You have to come to New York. So I'll help out with Andy Cohen's team. So this week was Real Housewives of Dallas. And the next week is Real Housewives of New Jersey. Oh, okay. Yeah. And New Jersey, that's a big commute for them. Coming to New York, there's fucking dumbhors.

But I said dumb horse too many times in this episode. You're turning into me. You don't have to apologize every time you. So anyways. I don't know why I picture just the cliche dumb whore listening, just like some Jersey woman. She's like, he's calling me a dumb whore? I'm not a dumb hole. I'm smart.

You, you motherfucker. That's like Boston. That was Joe Pesci. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. That was like Boston Pesci. So, so anyways, I wake up at 5.30 a.m. every day. If I can leave work at like 9 p.m. It's fucking, it's killing me, Michael.

It's killing me. But I make good money doing it. And it's weird because there's all these like women housewives are like big old fake tittyes in your face all the time. But the people I work with are like LGBT feminist, like women. So I'm on set just trying to be like, Uh-huh. Yo, ladies nipples about to burst out. Yeah, yeah. And they're all like, bro, they're people.

You can't trope them like that. Like I should say bro. Dude, dude, fucking chill. Yo, chill, bro. And I'm like, and then like, like, the first, like, few times I worked there, they were, like, mad at me. They're like, you're the only straight white guy here. You can't be talking about titty's popping out. And then by, like, the third week, I got all these feminists and lesbians to be like,

oh, titties are popping out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, I'm literally changing the culture every day at a time. I'm trying to get everyone to be on. I'm trying to get everyone to be on board because I'm like, guys, guys, they're not people. They're real housewives. They're not human beings. You know what I mean?

They're fucking. No, I'm kidding. They're great people. But that's the funny thing, too, is like, also, if you get implants, you want people. Like, I know a comic who has implants. She's like, yeah, I got these people. I'm not sure. I'm maybe I'm quoting.

I miss quoting her on it. But like, I think she said, don't look at my boobs anymore. Like, leave me alone. No, that's not what she said. It's not what she said. She said something worse. No, it's a, but it's like, why would you get giant boobs if you didn't want them to be like, like, I get, that doesn't mean, that's not an excuse people to like grab your tits or sexually harass you, but like people are going to talk about them. You know what I mean? Like if you have like giant boobs like, dude, that's what? I had this girl from high school unfollow me on Instagram because she got a new tattoo literally posted new tattoo and like it was like it was a quote of, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy. You know, you know, that's sorry. I can sing more if you want.

I'm a great singer. Yeah, yeah, I'll save it. After, I'll just say, I'll serenate you. It'll be in the Patreon episode. And so all I commented was, I was like, I did this super cute, big friend of this tattoo. And apparently she told all my friends she read it as like me being like sarcastic. Oh. And she was like, she read it like super cute, big fan of the tattoo.

But see, that's the online thing, bro. There's people I fucking hate and I see my person like, oh, I love this person. It's just being online, you misinterpret things. Dude, I genuinely said to her, this is super cute. I love this tattoo. And she unfollowed me. And she goes, he didn't have to comment on my tattoo. I was just posing a picture of my tattoo.

He didn't need to fucking make a big deal about it. And also he didn't have to be so sarcastic. I'm like, I wasn't being sarcastic. I like you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. My mommy's the single that's to me as a little fucking kid. And then you have a tattoo you're showing off to the world. The least I can do is be supportive. And now you made this about you because you know what it was?

There's what I think. I think she realized there's a dumb tattoo. And she fucked up. And then so she didn't hear she saw she thought it was sarcastic in her head. She's like this is dumb tattoo. Who'd even like this? And then you comment. She's like, oh, he must be sarcastic. Yeah. Yeah. So you know what? If you're gonna be a dumb little bitch and get a tattoo that you don't fucking like you don't fucking like Instagram so you can misinterpret nice people like me who is fucking supportive. Yeah, he's nice you stupid cunt. You fucking piece of garbage. Joey's trying to be kind to you. You're worthless piece of shit. And it's so awkward because she's like Joey who's a kind of sweetheart. It's so awkward because she's like, my. my best friend's neighbor. So whenever I go home to see my best friend to like fucking watch football and shit, like guy stuff, drink Budweiser and fucking do lines in his mom's basement,

that sort of thing. Yeah, dress up like boy scouts. Yeah, thank you. I fucking like look outside the window and she's just standing there with her dumb tattoos like, not cool, bro.

Not cool. And I'm just like, every time I go to my friend's house, I just have this awkward like, I'm like, I'm going to burn that house down. I'm going to burn her. I have this weird thing too where I,

the worst is, I've started hating certain people at work they do great people but sometimes you just associate people with weird places like you ever had that at a job where like this one guy at work I just he says stuff to me he's like how's it going I'm like fucking in my head you have those things in your head I'm like

worst now that I'm talking to you fucking piece of shit but then you're like good Darren but it's like I don't know I have that with like open my comics I've only seen that like the shitty open mics I don't like going to and then I'll see them at like a hot show and I'm like oh they killed oh yeah they're yeah Oh, they're hilarious.

Dude, that joke's, I've been I've been chitting on that joke for six months. That's an amazing joke, right? He just nailed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'll definitely happen. And that's what, I have people like that that have only seen me. Pat Barry used to be like that for so long.

He only saw me at the creek bomb. Because, like, I would just go to the creek hungover after, like, drinking and shit. And then, like, the next morning, I was, um, the next morning I was like just, uh, what was it? Yeah, the next morning, I would just be so tired and I'd always bomb those mics. So, like, some people would only see you with those shitty mics.

And then you're like, that guy thinks I fucking suck. Like a lot of people are like performing to get past at close, but I'm just performing to be passed in Pat Barry's eyes. Yeah, yeah. He is beautiful eyes. I don't know who. Pat Barry has beautiful eyes.

And if you can't. I got tagged in a, he got, look at this fucking picture. By the way, an Asian showrunner. Uh, look who mixes up what races now. Tagged Pat Barry in a picture. And it says, Michael Good is literally tagged the raw comic.

Wow. Wow. I got mixed up for another white guy. Wow. But like, this is the most Pat Barry's ever look like you. Yeah, it's a dark room. I will, I will give it to her or him or whoever. But like, that's fucked up, dude.

It's not fucking. It's just funny. This is an Asian guy and white people always mix up Asians. I am so mad at all this. White people hate. There's so much white people should not be fetishized. White people should not be discriminated. White people should not be assume, come from a happy marriage family parents because

they're white. You have to know, you have to assume that white people, it's hard for white people. Just because we have trust fund doesn't make us privilege, you know? No, of course. Yeah, and just because cops like us doesn't mean we don't think I want cops to like me? Yeah, I'm trying to do everything I can to make cops hate me. Yeah, it's tough to. That's why I wear M&M T-shirt, it's some shady.

Yeah, it's hard for people to, yeah, to, it's, it's not easy, you know. It's, that's, I wish I had better risk for this. Yeah, it's not easy being white. It's not all right to be like. like a white guy. Yeah. I'm high. Fuck. Yeah, that's great. That's great. It's incredible. Yeah. I got to stop singing. That's like my third time. I got a new prank. I want to pull. I want to run your thing. By the way, I have all these fun pranks, like the condom in the ass thing that, you know. I just take it. I know you have the condom in your ass right now. Take it out.

All right. Fine. Okay. Here we go. I took the glove out. Well, it's really brown. Yeah, yeah. It's disgusting. But I've always wanted to go, you know how everybody exercises their religious beliefs in front of plan of parenthood? Yeah, sure. I want to do this. I want to do this. same thing, but when women walk out, I want to dress an Aztec carb and say, thank you for your sacrifice. The gods will be pleased. And just have herbs and stuff. Just like, can we film that like tomorrow? I would love that. That would be so meat to actually like, why?

Because those are women actually walking out of like a horrible situation where they had to get an abortion. But dude, that would go viral. That just me just being like, doing the Aztec dance, just like, the gods were, there shall be good crocs this year. The harvest will be strong. All right, you got to do this, though, not because, like, it's the right thing to do, but because, let's face it,

you have a podcast, it's okay. You don't stand up, it's okay. But this, like, oh, the Michael Good Prank Show, the very good prank show or something. We'll figure it out. We'll do this. We'll do it. No, that's the only one I'd actually feel bad about

because, like, those people are actually going through a really tough day. Bad pranks with Michael Good. Oh, there we go. We'll think of other ones. This Mayn one might be a little too far. I would do it towards the anti- protesters, I would be like, yeah. Like maybe instead of, I wouldn't actually harass a woman who's coming out.

Okay, I like that. We harassed the Catholic girl who's like, this is a fucking sand. And you'd be like, on the contrary, do you like fruits and vegetables? Yeah, yeah. I do like fruits and vegetables. Like, well, if this lady sacrifices her baby, your crops will be good. Yeah, for it. I live in Brooklyn.

I don't have crops. Oh, well, that is your mistake. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, I like this idea. And I just have like incense and herbs. And I'm just like, somebody's playing bongos or something. like, who yeah, I'll play the ban on you.

Who ya, yeah, yeah. Huh? Who ya, yeah. Like the solo where it's like, okay, wait, so what other things can we do? Well, I already have another one where I stand. Okay, then I guess I won't pitch ideas. Fuck you.

The viewers have heard this, but you stand in front of a Planned Parenthood and you say heads or tails to people walking by. And if they say tails, you're like, hell yeah, perfect. And you walk in with like a fake pregnant woman and be like, yes, we're good. Or like if it lands on heads on. Big, okay, fuck, best two out of three. Best two out of three. Best two out of three.

Okay, that's amazing. I also, I wanted one that's already been pulled, but I wanted to draw fake babies off a balcony and just beg, can you throw that back up? Like, they're only about kids dying. It seems like. Well, like, is like a bodega cat thing going as a chop cheese sandwich like too like predictable? What do you mean?

Like you just have like a bunch of cats like on leashes and shit and you just like walk up to a burdega being like, hey, uh, I'll sell you these cats for your meat, like really cheap. I don't know. That's stuff. That could be funny. Like you're just giving the cat away. Yeah, no, like selling it as like fruit.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like a vendor. Hey, I'm like a new vendor trying to sell like, like, uh, meat to fucking, uh. I like that idea. Yeah, yeah. But don't do to Chinese. That's not so that's kind of be racist, you know? Yeah.

So I would stick with bodegas, maybe. But we think of stuff more clever than that. But I, I would like if you did that introduction on it. You're like, we're not going to give these to Chinese restaurants, which everybody thinks they ate this, but we don't think that here. We don't think. We think Spanish bodega guys do it. Yeah, yeah, we think other races do it.

That is a funny thing, though, because, like, that is, like, a stereotype. People say it's not true. Maybe not Chinese, but, like, if you go to, like, Thailand in a place like that, or I think it's Vietnam especially, people do eat dogs. Like, it is a... No, China. China, they literally have a holiday in China. Like, it's like eating dog day where they all get together.

They eat dogs. They chop it up. They go, whoop, fr, fr, in my belly, and they love it. Yeah, yeah. And I dated a girl. probably one of the sexiest girls I ever dated was born and raised in China she's like I'm from Shanghai and shit

and she dude so annoying her Instagram bio was like dog lover she's like she volunteers she volunteers at like dog shelters and shit and she's like and she would cry to me she goes I can't believe I'm from a country where people have festivals

where they eat dogs I'm so ashamed and I'm like if they cook it properly I'm sure it's fucking I'll eat anything if it tastes good. Oh, yeah. Like, I'm saying, like, like, like, the only reason why I won't eat humans is because I've never been displayed human meat in a way that looked appetizing.

It's always just been like, every time people have offered you human meat, it's been like, I killed your father, and here he is. Yeah, and I'm like, I'll try to not be rude. I don't want to be rude to the guy who just killed my father. Yeah, I hate, I hate, I hate, you're in that weird boat because you're like, I don't not want to eat him, but it's just weird that it's my dad. No, no, the dad, he, he, I don't. I know his meat would be really tender because he's been working on his body with a personal trainer for a while.

Okay. So, like, he's been preparing to be eaten, which is good. Yeah. Because, like, you don't want to get some fatty, McFat, fat. And because, like, there's nothing worse when you cut open a piece of meat and it's all fat. Like, you want, like, that juicy red. Yeah, yeah. So I'm open, I'm open to eating anything, like, anything from cockroaches to piece of plastic as long as it.

Oh, shoot. Was this recording? Fuck. Okay. Me and Jody don't actually eat people. Okay. Well, we'll cut that. We'll cut that.

We'll cut that. I really thought we weren't recording. I'm just kidding. But, that would be funny if I just had it 10 minutes after the podcast where like I left it off

but I was just saying horrible things that like, oh shit, it's recording. Just like saying like the worst things ever. Yeah, yeah. So,

yeah, I'm plotting to murder Cuomo's family later. Well, we might have to cut that actually put that out. Yeah. If you say I'm kidding afterwards, it's all good.

Yeah, I'm kidding. Wink, wink. But, uh, uh, baseball season's backup. I,

I, great, transition. We were, uh, what were we talking about before? Oh yeah, the Chinese eating people think. Well, that's the thing that bothers me when people say like, because like, obviously the shooting was fucking terrible at that spot, but people were like, oh, well, I bet you feel bad about making the Chinese jokes.

I'm like, no, the same way that like people are like, if jokes, like people, we all agree that violent video games don't cause people to shoot up high schools. So why now do people think jokes are causing people? Like, neither of these things, people are just pieces of shit and they do bad things. Like, you know, I have this really dumb premise for a joke. Can I run by you? Let's run by it. I haven't thought about this like a year.

You know, like premises that you, you like wrote like a year ago, but you still think about them every now and then. Yeah. So, but I never done this on stage.

But the, because I can't find it fun, the funny way to say it, but it's like, um, I, I fucking hate that, like,

video games get in trouble, like, Grand The Fado for, like, having gun violence and then people go out and shoot fucking people up. But yet, like,

rom-coms are still allowed to be made. Like, when I'm stalking a girl night and day, I'm not doing it because I'm a creep I'm doing it because I'm trying to be Hugh Grant or Ryan Gosselin You know what I mean? I'm just

And like the thing is What these women Love going around being like I want a guy like Ryan Gosselin from that romcom I saw And then when I fucking stalked you And climb up the fucking Yeah Yeah yeah

Windmill and whatever he does They're like Dude a restraining order A sap and I'm like You ask for it motherfucker You like I like that's a good breath I like the premise

Like that's the premise It's like Yeah Like it's the same as video games like Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole point is like, you can't blame people for like, you know what I mean, like, dumb. It's like, why are people entertaining supposed to like be the parents of everybody? It's like, dude, if you're making a fun video game, that's your job, it's not your fault that somebody grew up in a horrible environment and then they go up and shot up like a high school. It's like, that's not. Yeah, and also, like, you're not educating people playing a video game. You're trying to entertain people. Yeah. So, it's so not. Anyone's getting educated from a video game is a scum of the earth that should shoot up schools. Oh, wait. No, well, yeah. It's because they wouldn't be like. to do anything cooler in their life. That'd be the coolest thing they could do.

Is play a video game. Well, I think that, uh, yeah. I'm just shooting up schools. I know what you bet. I know, I try to, I try to bring it back on track. I didn't want it. I know, I wanted to say a horrible thing and stick with it. But I think, uh, we didn't do it, but double down, bite the tail.

Yeah, no, but then that would be if somebody listening to this podcast, you're like, wow, like, now I'm going to go do something horrible because I heard it on a podcast. It's like, you're fucking stupid. It's like, that's not the fault. Me? I'm stupid. No, no, no, no. the person who does something dumb because something in media.

Because it's like, dude, that guy who shot John Lennon, isn't it? Because he read the book Catchernery, which was totally unrelated. I mean, we read Catching the Rye. There's a lot of anti-John Lennon stuff in there. Really? No, no. Yeah, yeah. It's like, John Lennon's a fucking cunt.

He'd shoot him. Yeah, yeah. He fucked my wife. He put, like, fuck John Lennon. Yeah. Yeah, because that's like, yeah. There's like three chapters where every line is just killed John Lennon, kill John Lennon. Yeah, right?

Okay, maybe this specifically. But, yeah, that is a dumb thing because it's like, Yeah, it's like anybody who murders people You could literally pull ties to anything And then the Manson's, didn't you say It was the monkeys that like caused him to do it? Oh, what? No, health is guilty by the Beatles

Oh, okay Yeah, so it's all connected. Like John Lennon got killed Cause Catchin the Rye But fucking Manson killed because he heard of John Lennon's song Yeah, people don't realize that mentally ill people Just find messages in anything You literally, like, there are people that like

Shoot up High Schools because the Bible Or not, sorry, that guy shoot up the spot Didn't he blame it on like religious stuff? Yeah. Yeah, so it's like, you. And I don't blame the Bible for that. Like the same way, I don't blame the Quran for people doing dumb shit. It's like, so people are just insane.

It's not actually the notebook's why I stalked that girl freshman year of high school. I did do that because of the notebook. That is a real thing that happened to me. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And just because I watch, I fuck goats, it's not the ISIS's video. This was, okay, I think we're done.

So, but like, let's just make sure, like, we recap a few things. Fogging goats is cool. eating dogs is cool. Yes. And dressing up as a woman after you pillage a nation is cool too. Alexander the Great. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

All right. Well, where can they find you online, Joey? I'm the Joey Rinaldi everywhere. If you want to catch my weird Twitch for streams, go to Comedy Hub on Twitch on Thursday nights. Oh, shit. I'm like that on it for like two, three hours on Thursdays at like 8 p.m. to like 11 p.m. and yeah, I have a podcast called Trailer Trashing where I watch and make fun of movie trailers.

You can also find them at Twink Fan 49 on Porn Hub. 69. 69. Okay. Thank you. But yeah, that's, thank you guys for listening.