Morning Good - That's a Spicy Meatball - Episode 76

Episode Date: May 1, 2022

Big thanks to Joe for coming on the show high-energy and giving us a real funny episode. Check him out on Instagram @joenotfamous and Twitter as well @joe_for_you.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right, and we are here after doing our test run with Joe Senora. Hi, how are you doing, folks? Nice to meet the pleasure to meet you. Yeah, we started the episode, and we had to cut out 30 minutes. minutes of Joe's racist rant. So what is your problem with the Japanese people?

Well, it wasn't the Japanese. It was black people. Oh, okay. My bad. I was getting mixed up with a different episode. Yeah, I said I was having hot wings from the Japanese place. So you're like, oh, so you thought it was about Japanese people. But I was saying I only hot wings if they're from Japanese hands, not from those. Well, you know, that's not what I said. I also love how we're on the episode, you're just looking at girls on Instagram. Yeah, that's my business.

I feel like you're going to nut on my couch. No, I would never. This beautiful... It's green, so... This beautiful emerald green... Which, it feels like there's no cushion inside. There's not. It broke. I've had some friends sleep on it. I think my...

I'm sitting Indian-style criss-crossed applesauce, and I feel my foot being crushed from whatever's leaning on. Wait, so is it Indian style or Native American? That's my question, because I was always told... Dirty Doughthead style, yes? Is that what it is? No, there's the different Indians, right?

There's the... I respect the Indians that pray like 15 times a day Indians, and then there's the Indians that we were very cruel to. Right. And we took their land Indians, because they didn't know simple mathematics. That's what it was. Yeah, two coins isn't worth this whole land. We gave them general

SAT math tests and they shot them because they didn't know it. They were fucking dumb, bro. We're like, hey, do you like, do you like this bag of shiny coins? I'm going to take Louisiana for you, for this, you know? And they were like, uh, one alcohol. Yeah, I think that's... I mean, they were established. There was

smart ones that were successful. None of them were smart. I don't know. I'm sure I come from them. You're a Native American? My grandpa spoke this Native American tongue, and he was a true race. You're brownish. Not like me. Do you know what race are you? Take your pick. You know, which ones do you want to make fun of? I'm that. You're that. Yeah, there's no video on this. It's cool. Yeah, my people are fine with these jokes. Yeah, of course. Fuck them. I did talk to Ryan O'Toole. Yeah, yeah. He's a great comedian. he comes up to me. Isn't that so weird?

Great comedian. He's not like a child molester. I think you're going to go to Trump as a child molester. What do you mean as? That would be, he literally would walk into the sweet like sweet 16 like Miss America Fagin's just into their locker room. Like ladies and it doesn't count.

There's 16. Pedophiles are only when it's boys. Pedophiles are. It's just called a cool guy. It's a gay pedophile. That is funny that people say some people call some people gay instead of pedophiles. Like people like yeah. People be like, yeah.

yeah, you know, Batman and Robin are gay. I'm like, that would mean Batman's a pet. At that point, you're not like, oh, he's gay. You're like, he's... This is way off, but have you ever seen Call Me Maybe? Or, no, call me by my... I did the music video for Call Me Maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, call me by your name.

No, what's it? It's about two gays and in Italy, and they're frolicing about... You could say two guys in Italy. Yeah, they're frolicking about, and one of them fucks a peach. That's what the movie is about basically? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could be making this up completely, and I'm like, yeah, it's like... By the way, feel free to scoot up.

We're too close on the couch. Are we too close? I'm getting very uncomfortable. I'm so far from you. This isn't. I feel like you didn't like it. I'm on Adron. I'm in a weird mood, dude.

I'm like over-stimulated right now because I was applying for a bunch of jobs. Oh, yeah? And, uh... Wait a second. Hold on. Call me by your name. This is, this is fun.

Okay, so the guy fucks a peach. They're two gay guys, right? Are you sure this isn't James and the Giant Beach? You know, it's really fucking annoying about this movie and nobody calls them out on this. By the way, a phenomenal movie. I like this movie.

But it's, It's called me by your name. It's about two gay guys in Italy, and neither of them are Italian. They're just in Italy. They're Americans in Italy, and they're taking Italian roles right from these goddamn tongue-kissing mothers, you know? I mean, I don't know if it's really gay, though, if you do it Italy.

Like, I think I could be in Italy, and I could be tricked into having gay sex with a man. No, no, no, no. This isn't pizza. It's, you know, I'm like on a couch. Super gay. No, it's gay anywhere. But that's not the point is, like, they steal Italian roles right from them. Like, one of them's, oh, oh, oh,

And the reason why it's called Call Me By Your Name Like garlic rolls? Is one of... That was the dumbest joke. I reached the Italian rolls. Yeah. Yeah. They have sex with each other.

And wow, I'm looking at like four Italian nun smoking cigarettes right now. You don't know if they're Italian. They're kind of pale to be in there. No, they're definitely Italian. Look, I mean, you could tell. They're doing the... I got a poster of non-smoking cigarettes on the wall. The Mamma Mia thing with their fingers.

I think they're just trying to light the cigarettes. No. Dude, I think we're the two most ADD people. We haven't been able to keep... I like this. this episode because we've been in talking the whole time already? Nobody can follow it. I even forgot what the point was, but call me by your name is when one guy bangs another

guy and he's like, call me by your name. So it's like, I'm banging you. Clearly, I'm the top if we're banging. Well, you're Adderall, so your dick's not even working right now. That's a good one. That's a good. There we go. I'm banging you good.

Are you a scientist? I've been on Adderall. I'm a drug addicted. So I'm banging you and then I'm like, I'm like, Joe, Joe, Joe. And then I'm like, you know what? I want my turn, so I go, I flip you like a fucking pretzel right on to me. Because even if you're fucking me, I'm still fucking you. You know, I'm still a man.

But your dick's not really hard because of Adderall, but the thing is you're like fucking Michael, Michael, and that's the romantic part, is you calling me by your name. And then it doesn't really work out. And one's like, fuck this. I break up with you or the other guy. And you fuck the peach. Yeah, yeah. That's so funny.

And then he eats it. And then the guy eats it. Man. That's the spicy meatball right. that's so funny to be banging a peach and then eating the peach Oh my God

I'm sorry That's probably what like homophobic people They're probably like gay people are disgusting They see that and they're like See I told you they eat their cum out of peaches It's I mean it's better than the ancestral nature of the Italian Which is something that's I'm Irish

There's a lot of that in Ireland Oh yeah This is what we were talking about Ryan fucking O'Too Goes up to me He goes uh He's like talking to me Whatever I was

I don't know how we got to it But he's like You're not bringing up slavery or whatever I was like No I don't give a fuck And then I go, he goes, he goes, where are you from? I was like, I'm like, my family probably might have owned slaves. I'm Portuguese.

I'm Portuguese. So he goes, he definitely. He's like, he's like, you definitely own. You should be ashamed of yourself. And I go, fuck you. You're Irish. You're the only whites who didn't have slaves. You should be embarrassed for yourself.

He's like, oh, I guess fair point. And also like the Irish, they were the only whites who were enslaved. It's like, how do you fuck that game up? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. That's also, yeah, I don't know how that all word. That is funny, though, because there are a lot of white Irish people that were like, we were enslaved to.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we were enslaved. Briefly, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I also, I feel no attachment to any culture. Like, for me, I'm not like, oh, this is who I am. Like, besides, like, Florida, maybe, because I'm like, yeah, I like that place. But, like, I don't have any, like, ancestry.

Well, truly to be American is when you is when you lose your culture. Yeah. You lose it. That's true. I mean, that happens to. You have no, you have no loyalty. You don't stand up for your neighbor. You lose that.

You truly lose it. Because every one of our parents or grandparents, they said bye to their whole family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, they're like, hey, fuck all of you guys. I'm going to go make it on my own for myself. And we come from that. So we, like, say to our families, like, fuck you. And so we're just truly the most selfish people of the most selfish people.

That's a great point. It's beautiful. Yeah. Dude, I was looking at that up. It was so funny. I was in, like, the Ellis Island Museum. Yeah. And I was like, oh, man, I miss Florida.

Loser number one. I was like, I miss Florida so much. And I'm reading this. People were like, it was so cold, I left my family so I could start a better life. I'm like, oh, this is way, like, you realize what people went through. This is way fucking worse than what I went through. Yeah. Yeah, our lives are, wait, our lives are so much better.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I was saying. Sometimes what they were saying was worse. Me moving to New York to become a comedian's, nothing compared to somebody leaving their full family behind in fucking whatever Europe. You ever realize you're like, oh, I'm, I'm. I'm, like, it's not like we've accomplished our dream, but we're like living our dream, and then you're like, my dream is not what I thought about you at all.

Yeah, no, of course. I had goals. My dream is so mundane and boring. It's like, yeah, I thought it would be like, oh, I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to be a comedian. Everyone's while I get paid for it. And it's like, is that one not we're experiencing?

No, it is. But it's just like, like, once in a blue moon, but it's like, then you're like, oh, I don't get enough spot. I suck at it. And it's like, yeah, yeah, there's no. Nobody respects you. You don't have a name.

You're like, oh, there's no real career. You're like, I'm terrified every day. I also have nothing to do. Yeah, but I've learned to like just kind of learn comfort. Like, in my mind, I'm like, I don't know. I'm not going to have any success until I'm 10 years in. I'm like four and a half now. I'm like, I got a lot of time before I worry about the success.

Yeah, I think at year nine is when we have panic attacks. Yes. That's when you go, what the fuck am I doing? When year nine comes and we're like, oh, there's no guy to like come around and shake my hand in a suit? Yeah, that's what you want. That's my favorite is you see. That's what I always envisioned. Yeah, you think some guy back of the room just watches you.

He's like, we want you. We want you now. Hoping the car. People are like, yeah, that guy, that guy, like one of those like old Jewish producers would shank young black stars at a month. It's like, when do I meet that guy? How does I get a foot in the door, you know? Fuck me over. I'm kidding.

I'm like, I'll sell my first album for fucking 25 cents. I don't give you shit. I just want people to know them. That's funny. I have friends like that. They're like, man, this industry is so cut through it. I was like, what are you talking about? You haven't done anything.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Whatever. Who gives a fuck. Yeah, yeah. That's the football. Just have fun and joy. That's what I'm at. You know what I'm getting into lately?

I'm trying to get into smoking cigarettes. Like these old ladies are here? Hell yeah. Dude, I don't understand my body anymore, though. Because I used to be able to smoke cigarettes. Dude, I used to fucking, this is what I used to do. I used to get hammered. Wake up the next morning.

Take Adderall, drink Mountain Dew Kickstarter, and do construction for like eight hours in Florida over the summer. And they go out. I had a six-pack with that, right? Dude, I was doing... No, I was still fat, I was fatter than I am now. No way, on lateral? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't understand... Mountain Dew will do you like that, huh? Yeah, yeah. Dude, I don't understand how my body could handle that. Now I, like, drink five beers in the next day, I'm like, oh, I don't feel very good. Yeah. Like, I don't know what it happened, but I used to smoke cigarettes, too.

I would like... By the way, I only smoke cigarettes because it looked cool. The only reason I ever smoked cigarettes. I'm not kidding. I smoked... The last time I quit cigarettes because I was... I think it was the booze, the cigarettes, and the coffee, and I got alopecia from it.

You got alopecia? That's not a Jada Smith thing. That's a true. I had alopecia just like Jada. So, and I had like a hole, like a dime size hole in the back of my head, right? And it grew to a fucking,

half of a basketball, just covered my entire back of my head just bald. Is alpecia permanent? It's not anymore, buddy boy. All right. So then we can keep shit. It's ridiculous. No,

it's really. Yeah. I didn't know. By the way, nobody asked me how my feelings were when I was a non-millionaire. Oh, I just got made fun of by everybody. I was like, and then I was stressed out.

You stress, it comes from stress. And then you're like, oh, no, I have no hair. And then you just lose all it. What happens is your skin cells die so your hair can't grow on dead skin cells. So if you start losing hair, you got to start taking Xanax and stop caring about your hair getting lost. That would help. That would honestly help. But the thing is also because you get new skin cells, like your skin cells constantly are like dying and then rebirthing.

I don't. Yeah. I'm a doctor. Yeah. No, but they come back. You get new ones. So eventually, after like a year, you get new skin, and then hair can grow on it. Oh, okay.

So it's not a big deal. It's wild. Yeah. And then I went to so many barbers that are like, yo, you know what you need to do and put fucking olive oil and vinegar? I'm like, yo, my head smells like shit and I'm bald now you fuck. Like, what are you doing? Dude, that's just some dumb.

That's why you abandon your cultures. Because the cultures will tell you something like my great grandmother says you put olive oil on your nipples. bunch for retarded Dominicans that led me straight. They were like, yeah, yeah, there's this thing. Hey, Poppy, come here. I got, yeah, a lot of that shit. And I was like, no.

I always, I just look terrible and smelled terrible for a year. Yeah, yeah. Every culture has that dumb tradition thing that, like, they're going to be like, oh, yeah, this is like what will save you? And you're like, what the fuck is this? The only time I look like a Mexican is when I go to a Dominican barber in Bushwick. Oh, why, why do you think you're here would look any difference? Yeah, I've done it three times.

What do you think they're going to make you look like? I'm poor. I was poor. They're poor. Yeah, but I'm saying you look brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why would they not? I mean, you're Portuguese, right?

Partially? I'm Ecuadorian. That's my Mexican in me. Yes, then why do you think they wouldn't? They're not going to be like, hey, or are you Ecuadorian? Let's just give you a white haircut. They're going to be like, no, you're brown. We're going to make you look Mexican haircut.

You know, it's easy to get a Mexican haircut. Also, wait a second. You should get a Mexican haircut for a second. I'm having trouble understand this. Mexican dudes, I know, all have just regular and the same as white people hair. No, no, here's the Mexican haircut. You're missing. Some of a fade?

No, it's a fade, obviously it's a fade. Well, that's not Mexican. No, no. You start, you start with a fade. This is a Mexican. You start with a fade. Obviously, line the part, right? Oh, yeah.

You get the part. And then, with sideburns, you get, it's a pointy. Oh, okay. That's very specific. You turn Mexican right there. But when I think a Mexican air, I think of like, maybe longer hair on top. Are you thinking long curly, long beautiful curls? No, I'm thinking like kind of spiky.

Like those memes about the guy at the team. mobile store? What the fuck? Like, spiky black hair? You're stuck in Mexican in like 1993. Yeah, yeah. You're thinking a Taco Bell commercial Mexican. Correct. I didn't know they did much after that. You need to have more Mexican friends, like me. Who's your favorite Mexican? I hate Mexican. I don't know.

Okay. Yeah. No, let me see if I... I don't think I know one. Luis Lopez. Lopez? I don't know. I don't really know the guy, but he seems fine. Fine Mexican. Luis Lopez. Yeah, yeah. That'll be the clip we use. Now, I'm just get what I've recorded this. Dude, I hope that... I hope we caught any of that.

We could have lost the whole episode. I wonder. I mean, who cares, whatever. Another fine Mexican Louis CK. Won a Grammy. Yeah. Very recently. Also, it was so funny,

there's a reggae band called Soja that won, like, a Grammy. Yeah. I actually, like, used to listen to reggae when I was, like, 15. Yeah. No, I get it for sure. Yeah. 100.

But it's... I still like them. But, like, it was funny because I was like, they're Grammy, there's, like, ten dudes on stage. You forget how, like, reggae bands and ska bands are just so many fucking people. just stare at you got anything on that no i don't

i i was just i just flash of like fucking american pie and just like all that scah music oh yeah yeah yeah yeah no i don't i don't reggae band i don't know any reggae band i don't know any ska bands to be on a real big fish i don't know what the fuck that is mustard plug no this is less than jake i'm just we'll go back to races of people you seem to know more about that um yeah i love races of people i love people's race but I like

I like either like first-gen or original the original recipe you know what I mean I don't like second-gen, third-gen they've lost their culture Yeah but then there's a lot of people

that like try to tie back their culture so much because they're like It's really, I think some people They have such a loss of personality That they cling to like whatever culture they are It's race and sexuality Well Italians are the worst American

Is your last name Italian or is it Portuguese? Portuguese. I'm no, I'm zero a dumb wop. I could have swore you were Italian. Everyone always says that, like, you... You know, no, no, no, no. You're talking about banging peaches and stuff? It's all right. Yeah, no, that's a great film. Honestly, watch

Call Me by your name, and then come watch that. This podcast won't make sense. I just want to watch the dude fucking the peach. It's Timothy Chalamey, by the way. Oh, he bangs a peach. Heif, I... No, wait. Heif, wait, all right, who's the guy, who's the actor who got in trouble? Because they found his

his DMs and he's like, bitch, I'm gonna eat you. Oh, Army Hammer. He's in it. Yeah. Oh, really? Oh, shit. I know why we were talking about this.

Now, you're talking about gay pedophiles. And we got off into, all Italians are gay and, you won't believe this. No, but, all right. We really lost track. No, so Army Hammer is like, fucking, I don't know,

40 years old and Timothy Shalmi, like five years ago. What was he? Young. Young boy. Young Buck. A true young buck. So the stories about these two guys, they go to Italy and one of them is like a grad student,

but it's like Army Hammer is probably a decade too old to be a grad student. But whatever. And then Timothy Shalame is like, I'm about to go to college or something like that, right? And then he's like, he's fucking him. He starts banging him. And then a bunch of people were like, hey, is this pedophilia? And then a bunch of gay guys were like, no, respect our culture. This is how you learn to be gay.

I was like, all right, fucking fair enough, boys, I don't know. Well, that's just because I think, I don't think most gay people think like that. I think every group has the loudest, most annoying people. So, like, white people, any white dude speaking on some shit,

I would hate white people if I heard certain white. You'd be like, god damn, you guys are fucking annoying, because you're the annoying because you're the annoying versions of it. You know what I mean? You go on Twitter, you go on Twitter, you see them,

you know what I mean? It's probably the same with the gay community where there's the loudest people are the pedophiles. They're like, hey guys. The loudish people. Yeah. That's what I'm saying.

That's crazy. If you have a certain amount of followers, you're probably banging kids. I did hear that, though, a lot. I did hear that a lot through the grapevine of my gay friends is that, like, a lot of them were like, yeah,

it was like 14, 15, and I fucked like a 30-year-old dude. And like, or it got a hand-jerk. Yeah, I've heard that, I've not,

I wouldn't say a lot, but that's also anecdotal. A lot of the gay guys I know. That's also anecdotal evidence, though. Yeah, that's all, that's what, I mean, you tell me I roll with it.

Yeah, I believe that's just what it is. fucking eating somebody. Oh, you're speaking to actors playing young girls too. I saw fucking Morbius the other day. Yeah. Oh my God. I was that. So my favorite part is like the beginning of the movie. So Michael Morbius is like the main character of Jared Letto's guy. And the first thing is like it takes place in the current president and Michael or Jared Letto is 50 years old. I think, were we talking about this? No. He's 50 years old, which is crazy. He looks sexy.

Right. Yeah. But they go, they do a flashback in the movie and they go. Is that a 30 seconds tomorrow song? No, it's a fucking Sean Michael. I know they have that They have that one. It's like, come in my ass. It's come break me down or something. Break my ass down. Break my ass. Come in me, come in me.

Yeah, yeah, that is it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am finished on your mouth. I have finished with you fake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good. He's beautiful. He's truly a beautiful.

I've seen him a person, but the thing I wanted to get you. Is he beautiful in person? Yes, of course. It's great looking dude. But our ladies would leave us so quickly. For Jared Leto. Apparently he's a huge con. Apparently 12 inch penis.

Yeah, but he's so skinny that it's like, does he? I'm sick of these skinny guys. Yeah, yeah. Every skinny guy is a big dick. Do they? Or is it fucking, is it, you know, what meets the eye? That's a good point. He's also short.

He wasn't very tall when I saw him. Yeah, fuck Jared Lotto and his little dick. I'm sick. Just that's the rumor I'm going to start spread that he has a little dick, yeah. Tell me. But, uh, he's also. In the movie, it's like present day, and then it goes 25 years ago, like to do a flashback. And he's like nine.

And I'm like, this is so inaccurate because Jared Leto would have been fucking 25, 25 years ago. Because the character has like a flashback. Yeah, the neighbors are Mexican. Somebody's blasting their music. I didn't know if that was coming from your girlfriend or from... No, no, no. She's Italian. She's Italian. So what do they play? Soccer games, right?

Yes, exactly. Yeah. So did the Mexican. All right. Yeah. Jared Lett-wait, you're saying he got brought back 25 years ago. Yeah, they do a flashback in the movie. They were like 25 years ago, and his character's nine, which is crazy. So now he's like 35. Yeah, he would be like, yeah, 25, probably.

If he was 50, and 25 years ago, it would be 25. Yeah, and really, yeah, true. Yeah, yeah. Does he look 50 in the movie? This is important. No, no. But what happens was, so I guess he's playing somebody younger. I guess 20 years.

Yeah, he'd be 30. Much younger. Yeah, you were right on the math there. Yeah. But what happens is so funny because these two kids are sitting in bed, like him and his friend, they both have like this rare blood disease. And the other kid like two seconds, it just starts dying. And he just like,

ah, whatever, like falls over. And then I guess what happens is the machine that's helping him is like the battery died, which is so funny because they opened the machine. It's just double A batteries. They just have these orphan kids like hooked up to like double A batteries. And then obviously like Michael Morbius like twists a wire and it like works again. And the kid comes back to life and they're like, you're a fucking genius. He's a doctor in it?

Yeah, he's like a disabled doctor as a blood disease. and then he gets him and his friend yes wait and he's a doctor who's saving his friend he's as a kid he's a kid at first so he's a kid with a rare blood disease and then they're like you're so talented you should be saving other people's lives the fuck he becomes a doctor that day

had this orphan with a rare blood disease on something that has fixed what how does that lead into the story now I want to know the story of more so and then he goes all right let's talk shit about this movie first all right so he goes to Costa Rica because it does suck right oh it does so But I went into it great. I smoked a bunch of pot.

I snuck some beers in the movie theaters. Just the most unemployed thing possible. I would have went with you. That sounds fun. That sounds like something I would like. Oh, yeah, I would have liked that. Yeah, that would have been a blast, right? Yeah, that would have been a lot of fun.

Yeah, yeah. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. We could just, we'll whisper in each other. I'll see it again. I'm trying to watch Batman for a fifth time. Oh, you've seen it four times? It's fantastic. Oh, yeah, it's great. Morbius.

Yeah, morbis. Okay. So then what happens is he does this experiment. He gets bit by a bat thinking it'll help him. I can't. You're stomach ganging out of you. This is just so fucking funny. All right.

All right. So he gets bit by bat. I'm keeping my stomach getting out of my shirt. I'm getting fatter. You definitely. You definitely are. Yeah, I definitely am. Dude, I've been eating garbage recently.

I started drinking again. Still not that often. But anyways, he, you're so not meant to be a fat man. Dude, I was a fat man for a while. You're not meant to be one. What do you do? You're upsetting generations of you. You have grandparents that were in wars and shit,

and then these guys are looking down on you like this is fucking... They weren't in any serious wars. My grandpa was in like the Korean. Hey, there's no such thing as a non-serious war. If you go... If I went to war and I wasn't even in combat, I would be talking about that until the day I died.

Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. I'm sure if there was a Korean war veteran that her... I'm sure they walked their friends died. It's so fun. If you have a surgery on your toe, you're going to be like, I'm having surgery. And your granddad's in the Korean War.

You're like, barely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People shot at him. Maybe. I don't know what he did there. He probably banged a lot of Koreans. Probably. Yeah, yeah. And wrote letters to your nan.

Like, I miss you, baby. I think he met her when he came back. I don't know what happened. Also, I don't know if he's making any, I've seen any pictures. Was he weird? No, did he ever like... Dude, he's the man.

He apparently, like, played for the Brooklyn Dodgers when that was a team. Shut up. Wait, how was it? Is it broken dogs still a team? I said this, T. I said you look like a guy who would be swinging a baseball bet

for Brooklyn or whatever in the 40s. Yeah, yeah, he played for them. You look like that. You look like you go, you strike out, and then go back to the dugout and have open a beer. Yeah. And then the announcer's talking about it

while smoking a cigarette. That sounds like a beautiful life, dude. I would love to be a 1940s baseball player. I should have lived there for sure. Oh, that would have been the shit. I should have been a radio announcer in those times. The one Mexican radio announcer

that people liked because I had Republican views. Yeah. I'll tell you what, we need to get back to the old days. Get my people out of this country, huh? Can you do voices? That's sick. I can't. I can do this one. I'm a town. Voice. I'll put down there are too many gay people in this country. I need to get rid of them, huh?

No, they would be like, no. It's more like, you heard about this thing. It's called a gay syndrome. The homosexual syndrome. Every once in a while, your cousin will tell you he likes men. He's got this funny feel. Oh, have you seen? You got to knock him over the head

and taking them to the hospital immediately. That's why they call it a straight jacket. It's supposed to stop your arms. From gay shit? Yeah. It's a straight jacket. Yeah, it's for non-gay stuff. But there is some video like that.

It's like, your son might be experiencing homosexuality. It's just so funny. But, yeah, he apparently played for the Brooklyn Dodgers and then he, like, was a boxer, and then he fought in the Korean War. This guy lived like fucking. nine lives. Yeah, that's what it seems like. Yeah, yeah. Your uncle, your fucking grandpa, the cat.

God damn, dude. He was a box. That's another sport. And now, I don't see him at all. I've got to spend time with him. He's alive? Yeah, he's still alive, yeah, yeah. How's his brain doing? Good. Last time I talked to him. He boxed in the fucking 60s and 50s. They don't sound interested into me anymore, though, because they'll call, I'll call them and I'll be, hey, how's it going? They're like, yeah, it's good. You know, I got to get going.

And I'm like, am I fucking boring you? Oh, that's interesting, dude. My dad don't talk to me either. But he's older, too. Yeah, how's he did? Oh, that's why you're all fucked up, right? Yeah, yeah, and the thing is, like, but he don't talk to me. And I always said it was a him thing, but maybe it's an old person thing that, like, it's like, you ever hear someone talks bullshit, you ignore them in your head, but you're still there?

Yeah, yeah. They've done that for another 50 years on top of us. Oh, they've seen so much shit. I don't have time. They've done it so many times. They're like, oh, if I pretend I'm listening or if I say fuck off, like nothing changes. Yeah, yeah. So they've tapped out.

completely. Yeah, yeah, they're not, I think they're like, I'm not gonna waste my last fucking three afternoons for your story about the vet, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're probably so bored talking to Wisconsin. I mean, they saw, like, War II. They saw all kind of stuff. How have not, how are not all of our mass shooters and, like, horrible criminals, like, all

older people? Oh, people. Yeah, yeah, I don't get. Oh, it wasn't worth it. Oh, being good wasn't worth it. I'm just going to be, uh, you know, we check out the Miss America patched for fucking. Wasn't there a female or a trans mass shooter?

No, don't say that. I think there was. There was like one female mass shooter. That's transphobic completely. There was... Trans people have never done anything bad, ever. Except for ruin their families. Jesus Christ.

No, I don't know. I don't give up. Yeah, they probably was. You could imagine showing in 1950s person like a transom? Like, them try to wrap their head around that. They'd be like, what is going on here? Fuck. Those people are still alive.

So, like, that has to be blowing. their fucking mind. There was... Well, I went to a... I think I talked about this, but I used to work for this, like, apartment complex, and they're like,

on Saturdays, we do bingo with the old people. And it was a gay guy running it, and he did drag for the bingo. And I could see just all these old guys just hit on. I'm like, oh, check out the baby. Shut up.

Just having, like, no idea. Yeah, no, because they don't have any good vision. Yeah, they're like, look at the sweet cheeks up there. Yeah, yeah. She feels muscular. Oh, she's got a fucking hog

between the legs. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, that's fucking... wild. I wonder if I wonder if you're more likely to do gay stuff the older you get. You probably stop caring completely. It's like Florida

I'm almost there, bro. I'm literally almost there. Dude, I don't blame you. Go for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, maybe like have a podcast with a friend and do it afterwards in the bathroom. Would that be crazy? I've literally was saying that while you're in bathroom. No, I don't know. I think I think, I mean, the reason why I'm not an awful person is because my mom's alive.

Right. But old people's moms aren't alive. No, yeah, but I don't keep a shit. Okay. But like old people's don't got moms that are alive, you know? No, no, no. Well, also, yeah, I was saying to think about them. They have a crazy high sex drive.

So, like, there's this thing called the villages in Florida, and they have the highest STD rate in, like, all Florida of any community. Yeah, they're living like nihilists. Yeah, yeah, because they're like, fuck it, man. Let's get crazy. They're living like old people, old nihilists live like me. Are you like self-conscious? No, no, no, no.

He keeps on covering his belly now. You weren't at all before. I like the confidence of before it was making me laugh. Now I feel bad. You're like covering. You're like covering. You made fun of me. No, no, no, no. Show that belly off. You know what I mean? You should pierce it. That would be hilarious. Do you think there's a fat guy support meeting? Yeah, of course. Of course. I'll go in there with you.

I don't go there as a fucking joke. You guys are all fucking pussies. Sometimes I, this, my body's going through a weird metamorphosis now. Like, I woke up this morning with two abs. Right? Yeah, two. On the top? And then now, and then I had, surely like a stomach ulcer? It probably. It probably was. And then I ate a chocolate croissant and a yogurt.

And I had like a cold brew, which is only sugar. And then I had a sandwich. And then I told you I had shit, so I got nervous. So I ate like six chicken wings. And now my stomach is like just pure water. It's just salt and water. Oh, shit. And it's just like shaky.

I don't know. So my body morphs throughout the day, like a lot. lava lamp. Yeah, you had... Abbs, originally. Not abs. Definitely. I had the two.

What did your tattoo say, by the way? Um, fucking, uh, yeah, I am him. And then it was a bird. But I, um, I washed my hand repeatedly with, uh, allergenic soap within the first three weeks of having this tattoo. Yeah, it's faded. Yeah, because I wanted to fade it because I was like, oh, I want to look rough and tumble. You want to look like, I've had this for years.

I got this one was a fucking baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of my, anything I do is so that women will find me a, attractive. I just finished. That's why. Michael's not a swallower. Oh, my God. Yeah, I came, and Michael did

swallow, but he spit some of it out. No, I still have pneumonia. That's what happened. Do you have it? Yeah, I've had it for, I guess, four weeks now. I stopped smoking until I went to go see Morbiased, because I don't want to take edibles, because edibles lasts like 30 hours. So, what? Not 30 hours. They last like 10 hours there.

You should, I don't know, you still have. That was unintentional. The bottom of my stomach, you started to peek out. Yeah. Whenever you truly relax, your stomach peeps out over your pants and your shirt lifts up, it's fantastic. It's glorious. But if you die of pneumonia, that would be the perfect way to go.

Why? You drowned. Do you? My grandma died of it. Yeah, you drowned in your own mucus. That's how you die of it. You can't breathe because of your own mucus. I'm going to die that way when I'm older.

For sure. I have too much. I have excess mucus. Yeah, yeah, you're going to die that way. When I'm normal, I have excess music. Like, I'm constantly cleaning out chunks of earwax on my ear. I have eye wax in the morning, like, for like hours. Do you ever go to the doctors?

Yeah, they're like, yo, your body's gay is what it is. That's what they say? And I'm like, yo, your doctor's like, yeah, but it's like your fag body is just, you know. Who's your doctor? It's just a homophobic man. I had an Italian doctor one time. I think I had diamond earrings and he was yoked. And it was like...

Diamond earrings? Yes, it was COVID just got started. It was like the first week of COVID. and I had a horrible cough. I was like, I might have coronavirus. He goes, bro, did you go to Italy? I was like, no, he goes, did you go to China? I got, no, I goes, dude, you don't have coronavirus.

That's not a doctor. Yeah, it was. Dude, it was at like fucking sub-walking clinic. At CityMed? Yeah, one of those. They don't do nothing. They don't care, bro. Me and my girlfriend both went in there.

They told her she had one thing and me, I had a different thing. I'm like, well, then you guys argue with it, because clearly we both got sick with the same shit. Yeah, absolutely. Now, I went to CityMed three different times in the last two years. It's called Cit-M-D. City MD. You're just saying

without a value like city... I've been saying City MET. Yeah, city MD. I went there three times my sore throat fever

and the achy body. I told them that. They're like, I'm going to test you for COVID. I was like, I don't think it's COVID again but all right,

fine, I don't give a shit. They're like, I had to take a strep test. No, no. And then I was like, so what do I got? They're like,

it's just cold. I'm like, so what do I have that too. I have that too. It's just an endless cold. Body aches, always fever. sore throat.

And then I go, what do I do? I feel like shit. They're like, it'll just pass. I'm like, so what was the point of me being here? They're like, yeah, no, it's good that you came. I was like, but I still feel bad. Can't you do, doctor, can't you do something to make me feel less bad? I'm in the same boat.

I've been sick for so long, always. Like, what will happen is it like, it'll just come back. We have weak bodies is what it is. Dude, you think that? But I really think that we caught COVID in the beginning. And it's just, it's going to permanently be able with us forever. You have some weird thing that we're always going to be sick. No, there's no way.

I'm not always going to be sick. I'll kill myself. We're going to die at 40. You think, I'm going to die way earlier. Right. No, yeah, for sure. I want to go out like the Riddler, bro. Something cool.

He didn't die. No, but, like, one of his father. Spoiler. I don't know. Have you ever seen it by now? Fuck you. I heard that they're not going to make a second Batman because this one didn't make enough money is rare.

That's definitely not true. They're definitely making a second Batman. That's what I thought. My fucking dumb idiot-cunt brother-in-law is like, like, it sucked, they're not going to make another one and only made $100 million. I was like, they're a thousand percent going to make another one. Dude, do you know how?

I don't know why they would, but he, that's what he said. And I told you, I am very anecdotal. Dude, they made a second Venom movie. They're going to make a second fucking Batman. That's the, is that the worst movie, Tom? Oh, are we just talking? Is this a movie podcast? Dude, I like...

I love movies. It's all I do. I'm not informed. I like the theme song. It's this horrible Eminem-M&M song. He goes, Venom, Venom, Venom, Vem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the trailer for it.

Dude, he's so bad now. He's, like, the worst fucking... He's the worst white we have right now. Dude, 100%. Dude, that fucking video of him in the parking lot with, like, the four black guys got him. He's like, Trump, yeah, huh? Oh, that's funny.

That was embarrassing. Dude, it was so sad. Yeah, that's so... It's so crazy how... If you look at Trump... I mean, why are we even talking about Trump now? He's so old news now, but if you look at him, it's like...

He's like, this is a dork. Like, we should easily eviscerate him. But what he says is just... so baseline funny. And then everyone who goes after him, it's just such a miss. And then he fucking dunks on them. And it's like,

you guys are making this dork rule because the only people like, go after him, go after him in the most pussy way. Dude, if I ever... Like a white rapper rapping about the president. It's like, don't do that at all. That's... Dude, you're making him cool.

Yeah, yeah. You're making him so cool. Dude, if I ever become famous, people ask me about politics, I'm just going to say the wildest shit. And be like, yeah, Fauci did 9-11. And just always any interview question, and just do that completely.

Because it's like, I don't know. I'll just go through a list of, like, girls that I would smash. Just the most respectable women, just be like, I don't like her because that bitch you got a dumb hair. You know what is badass? I like how both Kanye and Louis CK

did not go to the Grammys. They have to get their Grammys mail to them. How hilarious is that and kind of cool for you to, like, be like, yeah, just mail it to like whatever address. And somebody has to package it up. And they're probably the two most influential Grammy winners. 100%

Yeah, that's crazy I mean, I didn't watch I have no idea Who else won It's a fucking dope move To win an award And did not go up to show for it Dude, that's so cool

That is, yeah Yeah, yeah Well, Kanye was banned But that's even cooler Because of racism The Grammys are racist Really? All these fucking woke people are racist

How is, Okay, I can see that But how is the Grammy's racist Because they banned the black man That's pure racism Right there 101 That's what Is it can't get banned from anything?

No, they can't That's the rule That's the rule, bro Damn Yeah And also they banned Well, they didn't ban Louis, did they? I don't know.

No, no. He's Mexican, don't forget. That's also racism. Yeah, no, they didn't have... My favorite video is that video of Kanye just peeing on his Grammy. He was like peak COVID. He posted a video of just his grammy in the toilet

and he's just pissing on it. Like, what are the old ones he won? No, obviously you can ban a black guy just like a white. It's just more fun to ban a black guy than a white. Well, that's what... Kanye West has given... It is a bad...

It is... I will say that. I will say that. Obviously, you treat everyone equally. But it is a bad... look to be like to a black guy. You can't come to the party. Oh, yeah, yeah, 100%.

That's a rough. Yeah, I didn't even... You have to have a good explanation. Well, they're like his, his behavior on social media, which doesn't sound any better. Yeah. His behavior is irrational.

What? Because he posted pictures of fucking Pete Davidson's head on roses. Yeah, yeah. His behavior on Instagram is hilarious. Yeah, it is very funny. Well, my thing, too, is like, dude, if Elvis had Twitter,

he would be saying shit constantly, like, he'd be like, because he was banging a 15-year. He would be like, He was crazy and on drugs. Of course he would have. He was banging a 15 year. He's crazy.

He's on pills the whole time. Weren't they all? Priscilla. Yeah, Priscilla Presley was 15 when they started dating. So he would have just been like, man, when you smash that. I don't understand why all of our, like, a celebrity icons are like literally like pedophiles. Like, why? Well, because I think it was accepted until recently.

I've talked about pedophiles too much in the podcast. Have we? Oh, no, I have. Your episode. Oh, on this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. that you meant this podcast. All right.

People with Down syndrome and pedophiles, we've covered... Down syndrome? Every range of them. What is your stance on Down syndrome? Are you pro or con? I love them. I think we should make more of them.

I think everybody should have sex with their cousin and build a generation. Does that make them? If you have sex with a Down syndrome, doesn't make them Down syndrome? I think so. Is it genetic? Or is it like, does God just chew? Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Is God just having a bad day? And it's like, I'm going to make 50,000 of them today. Dude, could you imagine just a full generation Every single person That would be sick if God was just like It was just like just a person with a bad attitude Just some days They're like, why did we have a catastrophe today?

It's like God was pissed off And a lot of the fuckery going on. Yeah, that he was just made. That's what Christians thought for a long time. Well, the weird thing is I remember they thought Oh yeah, 100%. My mom, who's now a progressive

Not in the terms of like our Like living in the city What a progressive, like a progressive, like, I'd say we, or normal comics are, you know, where we're like, oh, listen to anyone speak or whatever. Yeah. My mom's like that, but she started as like a conservative Christian from born in Ecuador, you know? Oh, interesting. So she started with like, gay as a sin, and now is like, I love my gay daughter. Oh, your sister's gay?

Or she's talking about you. She caused your gay daughter. My gay daughter, Joe, wherever the fuck that homo is doing. I don't know. is a progressive bully. She said my son's gay. You're like, no, I'm not. She's like, yo, my mom used to ask me

if I was gay, like, every day of my life. She's bullying. I woke up progressive. She didn't believe me at all. Like, I remember her, I woke up one time. I was like a teenager. I woke up one time she was asking me in my sleep if I was gay.

I swear to God. Bro, I woke up because I used to sleep time. Dude, I was going to recording video on this episode. That'll be a great clip. That's so funny. Yeah. I used to fucking sleep talk, and I remember she tried to crack the fucking truth out of me that way. I was like, bitch, back off.

I love pussy. My whole life. Yeah, I wish I was. So how'd she say it? She's like, Joey, are you gay? What's her voice I like? No, no, no, no. I think that you're not wrong on this.

I don't hear my mom's accent at all, but all of my friends say that she has an accent. You know, when you talk to someone so a lot, you don't notice nothing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I think I got that syndrome from my mom. Oh, interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. but my dad sounds like an old woman now. He's gotten to the age where he sounds like a woman.

Like that. Yeah, it sounds like a door creaking. What the fuck? Wait, how does she ask? So you're sleeping. You have to cover this more. So she went up to you and she said, Oh, I can't believe I forgot this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That should be fine. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're good. Yeah, we're good. Yeah, we're good. Yeah.

That's the fucking, that's, that's, that's, you know, that's that's that old bag trying to fucking silence me. Who's this? Yeah, don't worry about my foot. Business? Is it business? No, let's see who it is. Somebody on...

I'm on my airplane mode on. Professional. Glovesy. Looking at 3-833. It says, hey, mate. Probably not a real person. Yeah, I mean, you don't, unless you know someone named Glovesy. Brendan Charles Perry.

I'll let him follow me, but I don't know what's going. Okay, anyways. Your mom asking you if you're gay. Yeah, dude, she was obsessed with me being gay or whatever, thinking I'm gay. gay. Because my sister, it all sort of my big gay sister, that's pretty nice, huh?

That's not your sister, is it? You're just showing me Instagram butts and you're like, my sister. How am I not supposed to think that's your sister? My sister was gay and like when my mom was conservative, whatever, like don't be gay or whatever. And then it took her like

a while to accept that. What was your first reaction to your sister being there? Oh, she fucking hated it. Really? She hated it. So my dad was more chill about it than my mom. Yeah, because I feel like as a dad, you're like, I don't want dudes banging my daughter. Like that's your first reaction.

Yeah, you're like, yeah. That's not true. Dude, dads want their daughters getting railed out. I don't know about this. They do. I swear to God. It's their only fucking hope as a dad is that their daughters get reamed out. I don't know.

It's their dying wishes. Please. I swear to God. Like, I want an alpha to bang my daughters. Your pleasant girlfriend, her dad is dying wishes. I don't think so. It's for you to fucking knock her socks off to the moon. I swear to God.

They just, because everyone wants to be a grandparent. You get so old and you get so disappointed in your kid. And then you're like, let's run it back. Yeah, he's like fucking scratch off lottery tickets. That's what it is.

Yeah. So he sees your dumb fucking dick is like a penny to scratch off. He's like, this could be so, he has something to be comedians. Like, I have that guy's up. It is so,

yeah, they do hit a turnaround. dads for the first like 16 years of their daughter's lives are like nobody comes and hear this but they fucking build white picket fences they try to barricade their daughter's pussies and then

the minute they turn 18 they're like fucking a fur sale on their on their yards gum bear fuck my daughter's pussy yeah yeah literally give me grandkids this one is a dud I don't know yeah because every dad wants a boy right

every dad wants a boy or a grandson you never hear That's a good point Yeah God damn We're fucking cracking it This has been a great episode You've had some fucking shit to say

Well we're about to fucking Nose dive after that comment Let me tell you No no no I want to hear Okay so your mom goes up to your sleeper Oh yeah so my mom got bamboozled By my big gay sister You know what I mean

She thought she was gonna bring a child into this world And then my sister go ahead And spoil it with her lesbianisms You know Yeah And then so my mom's like Oh fuck I only got two chance

chances left and my next kid is a girl, she's a bitch. So it's like, nobody gonna wanna fucking like that, you know what I mean? And everyone thought my middle sister was gonna be, why does the artificial insemination thing just bull, not, but doesn't it cross people's minds? Well, this was, it was new at the time. Okay.

My sister's 43. Oh shit, okay. So it's new, it was new, you know? And my mom's got dumb immigrant brain. So, okay, so she's, yeah, so she's thinking, like, how is Christ gonna send a nice, She's like, you have to crack an egg into your pussy and then make it the baby.

This is like the old culture we're talking about. Like the Dominican guy saying to put virgin olive oil on your head. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Dude, when I was sick as a kid, I remember my mom making me be naked and then rubbing an egg all over my body. Are you serious? She's like, our enemies are trying to fucking kill you. Are you serious? I swear to you, I'm remembering this right now.

What is your childhood? My mom rubbed a fucking hard-boiled egg all over my fucking naked body as like a child. Were you molested? I guess so. Many times as a child. Which you put the egg on your dick. Dude, it was like, not, I don't think on my dick. I can't remember.

On my, my body was naked. Your mom is out of your fucking mind. Yeah, for sure, for sure. But, I mean, respect to my people. You must have the egg on your body. The only woman who's ever loved me is always had my back. True. Out of her mind crazy.

Out of her mind crazy. Dude, an egg? What the fuck? Yeah, also molestation for Latina moms isn't molested. It's just being... It's love. Yeah, it's being a loving mom. Okay.

Oh, my God. That's true. I've heard this from women in my family that, like, I think they did it or their moms did it. Like, kiss their fucking grandson's, uh, dicks or whatever. What the fuck are you talking? I swear to you, bro. I swear.

They're like, oh, this is law. I love the baby. We need to build this wall. We need to build. I'm back on Trump side now. Well, we're the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. The wall would work on us.

Get out of here. You and your incest family. That's what the is. It is. It's a Latin fever, baby. I don't think it's just Latin. You're pasty white. You don't get it. You're turning red just this.

You don't know what it's in a year. Yeah, I don't want to hear about your mom kissing your baby dick. I don't think that she kissed my, she probably did. My mom, no Latin moms ever loved their son more than my mom. So she probably sucked my dick. I have loved.

Jesus Christ. That's a mom's love, dude. You don't know mom's love until she fucking blows you. Yeah. So the egg goes all around your body. They crack it or whatever. Then they look at the yolk.

And then they look at the yolk. And then they. decide if somebody put a hex on you. What the fuck? I swear to God, bro. The Latin mom's like no witchery shit. Yo, I've never said any of this. Yeah, yeah. I'm glad you did on the podcast. God damn it.

Why am I not recording it? We have like nine clips that we could have just put out here. Yeah, yeah, this would be, this would be fire. You know what? You know what we're doing? You better say some gold. No, it's done. It's done.

It's fucking done. Yeah, yeah. All right, so you were laying down and she were asking you. So then after my mom's like, all right, my daughter's fucking gay. My other daughter, nobody wants to fucking come 10 feet of her because she's such cuntola all the time. She's like, the only thing I have is my gay son, please don't be as gay as I think you are. Please be bisexual. Please accidentally fuck a girl.

Yeah, yeah. Can I trick him into fucking at least one lady, you know? So she'd be like, are you gay? She would be like, listen, you know your sister's gay? I took me a little while. I'm fine. She's like, I love you. Go ahead.

Tell me if you're gay. And then she's like, look at me like that. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm not gay lady. And then I'd be like, all right, listen, I understand. you want to ask, you want to know, fine. No, I'm not gay, I like women. But then it would be like six months later, and then she would have the same serious question from him.

I'm like, do you not, do you think I'm keeping this, right? Like, I don't know. So she just didn't believe me my whole life. And then I remember one time waking up and at the corner of my bed is my mom. And I was like, what the fuck? And she was like, oh, my bad. I was asking you if you were gay. What?

I was like, what do you mean, lady? I was like, get the fuck away from me. I need to leave. Yeah, my family has no fucking boundaries. Yeah, they're out of their mind. They're rubbing eggs on you and asking you for gay and sucking your baby penis. What is going on? Yo, that's my mom, though, and then my dad could live an ocean away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I was gay, like, I could fuck in front of my dad, he wouldn't know I was gay, you know? But my mom, she would know I was gay before I did, for sure. Yeah, yeah, it's weird. That sucks for your sister that she wasn't immediately. Yeah, I guess. I guess. That's probably so long ago.

That was probably the 90s where it was like, everybody's like, she's gonna catch AIDS. They just didn't know. Yeah, no, I think it was later than that. I don't know. It had to be later than the 90s. Yeah. 2000s.

Someone said apparently there's like a, because of PrEP, you know, PrEP that thing that like stops people from getting AIDS? Prep is the greatest thing ever made. Yeah, but apparently somebody said that it might be making this. I want to go on prep. It might be making a super AIDS because the, you know how like we all got vaccinated and then like the COVID super strain

happened? Yes. They didn't they might make it a super AIDS. This is scary. I know, and you become Geroletto from Morbius. This is fucking scary. Wait, has anyone

who's on prep gotten AIDS? I don't know. I thought it was your bulletproof now. I think you're bulletproof. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I wanted to go on prep because Daddy don't like condoms. Condoms are gay.

Talking about gay shit. The chances of you getting AIDS is a straight dude, banging a girl is like very low. I've heard this. And also, I do believe that this might... Unless you're doing anal, but then you don't need to wear a condom during anal either,

so... I don't. I don't know, dude Like, I did just have anal sex recently with someone And I didn't I did know we were having anal sex But then, then I think we were having regular sex And then

That's a nasty move, you put it back She didn't complain at all She moved from the asshole right back to the gentleman I know because a lot of people get used to infections that way Yeah, that sounds like it would be She didn't complain, not one iota And then also was was a sucking

and fucking yeah hell yeah buddy boy I went to the bank on this slut and then um so what happened was eventually we're fucking and I'm like I'm like

I don't know what kind of sex we're having right now she's like you're in my ass right now I was like really she's like have a loose butt she's like you can't you don't know I was like I was like no it feels literally identical right now. Either she has a very tight vagina or a very

leased asshole. Well, Daddy, yo, she was asking me about that the other day and she's like, hey, remember you're like, you couldn't tell? I was like, nah, I couldn't. She was like... Were you drunk? No, sober. So the thing is, she was

like, what the fuck? Can you explain that? I was like, yeah, yeah, no problem. So I was like, sometimes you have sex with someone's ass and it's like it's so hard to get in, right? but then you get in and then it's like this huge cavernous space and you're like, you're like, I'm not fucking nothing right now. That's a great point.

Except for the entryway. And then I'm like, when you fuck a woman's, uh, um, how do you say it gently? A woman's, a flower? Cund. Yeah. So when you're having sex with a lady. By the way, I just want to show everybody, if you, I wish we had audio right now because you were getting into it on the couch.

I'm on Adderall like curled up in the corner, like nervous. Hearing you talk about banging this girl in the ass. Tell me if you disagree. Okay. You've been in a relationship for years now, huh? Yeah, we can't talk about that. Okay, so, so, but I get what you're saying

if somebody's ass- Yeah, we're gonna, you have no idea. Let's change topics. Yeah, but if you... But you were saying, that makes sense that once you're in. Oh, yeah, recap, recap. So, I'll talk about my experience.

And then you just not, well, no. Yeah, you just nod or not, or whisper. Yeah, so, all right. So what happened is sometimes you have sex with a lady's flower. Sometimes you go into a garden. Sometimes you enter the garden and you're, and some gardens are like, are like,

holy shit, this garden's fucking hot. I'm sweating. And it's like, it's like, you're suffocating in this garden. It's so good because it's, you're like,

oh, I didn't know it was so crammed up in this garden. And then other gardens, you're like, holy fuck, there's echo, echo, echoes in this car,

you know? And it's like, yeah. So, so, so, so, so,

I was telling her, I was like, I don't know how to say this. That won't sound insulting to you. You know? But your vagina. But it wasn't an insult because I like having sex with her. But I was like, but you're, your garden is a lot like you're fucking, you know, anal sex. So she had a loose vagina is what you're saying. I get.

But when I'm having sex with her, what I would be loose vagina, it don't feel like a loose vagina. You know? And then. It don't feel like a loose vagina. It sounds like a loose vagina. You know what I mean? And it don't feel like a loose, Jana. I know. And that's the thing is that a lot of women are like, oh, nobody wants a loose pussy because they're like, that's a bad pussy.

But it's like, it can be sometimes, but sometimes it's like this fucking hemmy run good. You know what I mean? So I don't know. So, but yeah, in this case, in this one case, it felt the same. I couldn't tell. And this was your mom the whole time. It was my mom. After she rubbed an egg on your house.

And then we found out it was our enemies that we're trying to poison it. Joey, you have to fuck my ass. It's such a wild thing to tell somebody who hasn't experienced that. What? That experience. Yeah, somebody rubbing an egg on their naked body. Because here's why. Here's why it's wild.

Because it's insane. It was traumatic at the time. And now I'm remembering it. I totally forgot. It was hilarious. It's hilarious. It's so funny. Dude, it's traumatic.

Here's what it is, is you hearing it now as a man in his late 20s 30. mid-25. Mid-20s is like, you're experiencing this. I first experienced this. As a child, nobody was like, hey, this is your psychotic culture that's about to happen. I was a kid who was like, no, I don't want to be naked. I have a fever right now. And then your mom is just rubbing it.

You're like, stop, I feel like it comes to me. And your mom's like, no, there's demons out here. That's wild. It's fucking crazy, dude. We need to send some scientists over there. De Ecuador. This is what happened. We went to all these countries, and we talked.

Christianity, and then it combined with whatever native traditions were happening, and it just created a nonsense of religion. There's a bunch of Latin women that are like... You know what? You know, I'm not going to shit on Latin women here, because this is the truth. Because as I've explored in Brooklyn, there's a bunch of psychotic white women as well that are like, oh yeah, I'm a witch. I've banged three witches in my... Really? I've met three witches, and I've had sex with all of them.

We're going to go through the three witches. It sounds like it would be like a children's story Like the three witches It sounds like I'm insane This sounds like I'm crazy But I swear every time I meet a girl And she tells me a witch I hear chiching in my head

You think it's hot that she's witch? No, not at all I think they're fucking psychotic I just know that I'm gonna end up having sex with them Because I've had sex with every witch I've ever known Except for my mom Which we're on the fence about You know what I mean?

God damn yeah The first witch I've Let me think of all three witches I've had sex with one was we met in A. I would love if it wasn't even a hot chick. It's just some like eight-year-old blind woman who's like, ah, Joe!

I don't think that any of them I would ever describe as hot. Some of them are nice bodies, but I don't know about hot, especially not traditionally. All of them, tremendous in bed. Well, because they're crazy people. Tremendous in bed. Okay, it's the first one. One of them was, which was,

I met an AA. Right. And after we had, oh, oh, she was like, she's like, I'm not going to have sex with you. I was like, cool. That's so I did. Her just drunkenly casting spells on people like, ah, yeah, you're so over.

You're fucking go. Your pubes are going to. No, I know, but the idea of her being a witch with the drinking problem is hilarious. I'm sure she was just. She told me she was going to do an exorcism. Pentagrams into people's cars and shit. Bro, she told me she was like, there's this kid he's having real behavioral issues and his dad's abusive and his mom is like

in the picture, out of the picture on drugs. But he's like having. these demon spells. I'm going to do an exorcism on him. I'm like, that's not what he needs at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then we had sex after that. Yeah, and then also, this same girl told me about some racist painter. That's what she said. She said, there was this racist painter. She's like, I got him on Instagram or on some social media. I tweeted out. I got a bunch of people to find out, I'm like, he's racist. He's a famous guy, successful guy. Just a painting. painter. I don't know nothing about him, right? This is what I'm hearing. We're at my move for a while when I was living in Greenpoint. I would take a girl, I would go, oh my God. I would go to have a drink with a girl.

I wasn't drinking. I would just have a shelter. Like one drink at this Grand Republic. Is it a bar in Greenpoint? It's like, I don't know because what if it's my move again sometime. Oh, okay. I love how you're like, yeah, I'm banging this girl on her loose asshole. So I was like, is it called Graham Republic?

This is... Maybe two years ago. All right, whatever. So I would go to this bar. Then we go to the water. Because it was right next to the water. Do you think any girl after listening this podcast

would still want to fuck you? No, probably not actually. I'm thinking about it. They're like, he's got weird mommy issues and he doesn't respect... They're not going to be like, oh, wow, uh-oh. He's going to take me to the Graham.

He did that on me. Yeah, so the Grand Republic. Shout out, fucking put up some numbers there, baby. Thank you. Yeah. I respect to the Grand Republic. This is the most loose I bet. I'm just...

I'm show on Adderall right now. still like just... I can't believe you're loose on it. I'm not even having fun right now. I'm analyzing this. So we would... We go to the Grand Republic, have a drink.

After one drink, I'd be like, do you want to get out of here? You want to check out the water. They go, yeah, sure. And then so we go, we walk across the park. It's right at the park. Look at the water.

You try to drown her and see if she's a witch. I drown her immediately. Yeah. So, and then I'd be like, oh, yeah, you're beautiful. Kiss her. And then be like, let's get out of here. They go, yeah.

So this girl, at the water, the only one who'd done this. And by the way, you think, hey, at what point do you go, I'm done with this? Me? Never. So she goes, yeah,

there's this fucking racist painter. And I went on his social media and was like, you shouldn't support him to some gallery that he was trying to get into. You shouldn't let up his painting. He's fucking a big...

I love how she's witch hunting racists now. She's doing the same thing that would have happened to her back of the day. That's the same shit. That's exactly right. Yeah, yeah. So she goes, by the way, I'm a comic who believes in free speech. She goes, I'm trying to get him to not be able to get his painting here because I think he's racist.

And then she's like, and then all of these racist supporters of his start attacking me. I don't know where I haven't done anything. I'm like, you try to get a fucking kid. I love the idea of going to a gallery and everybody's looking at the photo. They're like, you know what? It's just like a photo of like a vase. He's like, you know what? I think I hate Jews after looking at that photo.

Like that's the level of like, like, like, none of those pages are racist, but somehow he's going to inspire racist by his paintings. I couldn't believe her level of like, where is his hate coming from for me? She's like a bunch of people who are like, fuck you, lady.

She's like, why? I'm just out here being righteous. I'm like, I'm like you tried to get him not to be selling paintings. Do you know the name of the painter? I don't remember it. It was years ago now.

And then... I would love if they were just like pictures of frogs or something. And she's like, clearly these are Mexicans. I think he painted American flags. Okay. I mean... I don't know. It could be.

I don't know. Well, I remember being like, all right, well, that's a red flag for sure. But whatever. But also, like, don't, like, don't, I don't like the idea. Let's say he is a racist, right? Okay, all right, go ahead. Make your paintings. And good luck to you, business.

Like, I don't like the idea of you being like, you're not allowed to make money and survive. And then as soon as I fucking try and get you fired, if you have any kind of fan base that's like, fuck you. any fucking powers. How about she casts a spell on him instead of going on Instagram? That's so funny that a witch is like, I'm gonna use social media.

It's like, if you're a real fucking witch, how about you do some magic? How about it doesn't exist? Because you're fucking retarded. She was doing exorcisms. On kids that didn't need them. She sounds like the worst person. For kids that needed real help.

Oh my God. So anyways, yeah, I didn't like that victim mentality of being like, why are they attacked me? It's like, well, where's your responsibility here? Anyways, then she goes, I go, so after hearing this story, and being literally my principles

were against this woman. I was like, so you want to, you want to go home? Do you want to go back to my place? She's like, all right, whatever. But she goes, I'm not fucking you. So I go, okay, so then we're fucking. And then she, and then...

Did you rape her? No, I'm just kidding. It was funny that you, the way you said that, you're like, she said, I'm not fucking, and then we're having sex. That's actually 100% true. No, we did. She consensually had sex with me. And then, uh, and you guys had to do a weird ceremony before?

She was like, uh, a seance. Yeah. I did a seance over. I did a, I did a, I did a dance over her pussy. I lit her fucking pubic hairs on fire. That's a good move. Yes.

And then she's just like, she's like, the first thing she says is like, all right, maybe like, this is a problem I've always had. She's like, maybe we'll keep this between us.

And immediately I tell everybody. Yeah, that's a problem that I really am working on. Do you guys have mutual friends? Everyone in AA. Oh, oh shit, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah. And another, which I've had sex with, was a dancer who... Dude, it'd be so funny

if she, like, broke it off with you and then just in public, you're like, she's a witch! She's a witch! She's a witch! Wait, who the fuck is the third witch I had sex? There was three. But the second one. I forget...

The second one was a dancer. Crazy, crazy. Person I met a show. Oh, nice. Yeah. Not a comedian, a dancer, though. But she just was like... She didn't even watch me do comedy. And she was just there?

I doubt a witch has an incredible sense of humor. to you, they're like... Yeah, I don't think that she probably did. No, I'm thinking about it. But we were there, and then I did, I was like... Yeah, yeah. Then, so I banged that witch. I did three, but I can't remember the third witch.

But I do love witches. I do love witches, anyways. And I think... You haven't paid a very good picture of them. No, they're crazy. They sound annoying. They're not to be respected. Yeah, yeah.

If you think you're a witch, you're fucking out of your mind. Yeah, yeah. We have a mental illness problem. We don't have a fucking problem with warlocks about, you know? Well, that's the funny part about, like, misinformation on, like, Facebook. Because I could say, like, I'm a witch, blah, blah, demon stuff.

And then people would be like, that's fine. But then I'm like, 5G kills babies. Now they're like, well, that's not okay. I'm like, well, you could say Jesus saved your grandma, but if I say 5G kills babies, then now I can't, you know what I mean? Because I don't know, what's the problem with the 5G thing? I have no idea. It's nonsense. But my whole thing is, like, everybody's beliefs

are misinformation to other people. Because people don't believe their beliefs. You know what I mean? You have your beliefs, I have my belief. So anything I say, people are going to say, all that's misinformation. I agree. I don't have any beliefs, though. Do you have a belief? I have thoughts.

I have thoughts on things. I know, I have beliefs. I think every comic has, every true comic has nothing but... The real ones. Well, yeah, I do feel that way, though. I know that sounds... Fluffy, but I...

Jeff Dunham. Amy Schumer. Hold on. Hold on. I see what you do. I think that all those people... I mean, I agree with you, but I think all those people

would bury us beyond belief We had to follow them at their crowd. They all sell out like crazy fucking seats. Imagine Jeff Dunham doing an hour and then you go up. Is it going well or what? I would go horribly. They're way better at comedy of me. I'm obviously kidding.

But there's a kernel of truth in what you're saying. I would hope that if I was doing it for 25 years out. But I do call comics out on that all the time. People are like, he's not fun. I'm like, he would fucking eat. Oh, yeah. Why? You know, he's funny.

Fluffy's funny. Amy Schumer's funny. I was just kidding. But I also like... But comics that we respect... We don't respect. But comics that we respect say that they're not funny, though.

Yeah, also, comics that respect probably will not kill as often because the whole point of a hack is they're going to kill every time. Like, somebody who's a hack will kill constantly. I'm not saying all those people are hacks. We do see...

Yeah, yeah. But it's like, that's the thing you see at every level because, like, I kind of grappled with this because I'm a folk a real calm. No, but it's like, I will bomb. Like, if my sets go bad, they can go really, really bad. Because I'm talking about outlandish shit.

You're like, oh, this is not necessarily. But then I was like, wait a second. I see people kill it all the time. That doesn't mean you're, like, if you fucking, this is insane for me to compare myself to Metallica, but if you went to the groove and they're playing Metallica, most people would cover yours. Well, you're fucking, you're fucking hardcore.

Dude, I'm fucking. You're not, bro. No, but the whole point is like, it's like, how often you kill does not determine whether you're comedian. Now, there are a lot of open mic-mic level comedians, and even I have this personality. I do think in 10 years we might be able to crush harder than some of the names for sure. Maybe, maybe, yeah, yeah.

But the whole point of it is consistent. Well, not even, hold on, hold on. Not even I think, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely maybe. For sure, definitely maybe. If it's a craft. Right. Yeah.

The whole point in the saying is, like, originality is what? Bro, I'll fucking crush the fuck out. Suck my dick. We have to talk like under our fucking teared, our gritted teeth. Because right now he'll bury me, but I'm telling you, you, you better fucking watch your fucking puppet. Jeff Donald. I'll shove your puppet puppets right up your fucking ass, bro.

Dude, if I see Fluffy, I'm going to beat this shit out. I'll fucking shove 19 cakes and you're fat, fucking fat. You'll fucking die-dive you right there on the stage, you fucking fed. You can see him one cupcake and you probably die. I do like Fluffy. I can tell him he's a comic that I bet you, I bet you I would want to hang out with. 100%. I'm sure.

The other ones I don't know about. But, no, I also. think Jeff Dunham is very original and unique, and I don't have a problem with him. Yo, you can't be famous. I've said this before. You can't be famous without being a monster at some point. Everyone famous, everyone who's made it.

I just disagree. Is a, was a monster, bro. I'm telling you. Oh, I think even like a bad person. Yeah, yeah, no, no. I'm saying, like, a killer on stage. Yeah, yeah, of course. Of course.

No, no, I agree 100%. Even people that I don't think are funny, like, at one point, yo, it's because the bag... I wouldn't be surprised if Hannah Gatsby could kill harder than me. I'm telling you they're all fucking monsters. No, I agree completely. I agree. I was kidding.

But I think the point, though, is that, like, it's like, okay, if you went to an average comedy show, Louis would probably bomb. That's just the truth. Everybody I know, they say they've seen him live, fucking bombs. Really? Yeah, because, okay, the same thing. He's comparable to Metallica. That's fair. I'm nothing compared to Metallica.

Wait, wait, can you compare yourself to Metallica? I'm not going to. No, just do it. Come on, con, con. It was sad. What were you saying? What were you saying? Where's your point between you and Metallica?

No, Louis Vita. I'm not. I'm not. We'll go, here. How about this? You, Louis and Metallica. All right. So, uh, no, I, it's not your fair.

Okay, go ahead. Louis versus Metallica. So like, if you go to the groove, right? Yeah. And they're playing Metallica. Yeah. Most people would walk in. If Metallica wasn't famous and go, ew, I don't fucking like heavy metal music.

Okay. But what they're doing is amazing and they're incredible at it. And they're very talented to what they do. Yeah. Louis, a lot of people I know have seen him, they go, oh, he fucking bomb. the bunch. The audience did not like him. But what he's doing is original. He's very good at it. He's well-written jokes. So he has a fan base

and people that have a wide variety of taste say he's very talented at this thing. Does that make sense? You couldn't see Metallica and say that guy fucking sucks a guitar. You can't say that guy sucks at drums. That guy sucks at vocals. But you could say a lot of people don't like that. The same way with Louis C.K. where you're like, oh, somebody, he's talking about a fucking a dead baby? That's fucked up.

You know what I mean? But then, does that make any sense? But then somebody on there might afterwards, Ed, not Ed Shearin, who do I fucking hate with guitar? Jason Maraz might come on stage and play some dumb ass song, and everybody goes, this is amazing. You know what I mean? Does that make any sense? Do you get what I hear you?

But he's not doing anything that original. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's my point. I'm a god. I'm Metallica. I'm very talented.

And wait till this world sees what I have to offer. How can they? Do you follow me on Instagram? I put nothing online. I've literally been saying this on stage. I'm willing to put up $1,000 to any comedian who will shoot me on stage. What?

In the leg, I don't want to die, like in the leg. Not in the knee. Don't fucking destroy my life, you know what I mean? But shoot me in the leg or the arm. What if it's an an anomaly? What's the listener in this podcast? I would love it. $1,000 in your pocket.

Just promoting violence. $1,500. It just went up. $1,500 cash, baby. Cold-hard cash. You shoot you in the leg on stage. In your pocket. I will not.

press charges, it has to be on video, and we have to upload it. Because I need to go viral and get famous because my only goal in comedy is to bang Alexander Ladario still while she's hot. Oh, she's attracted to be, yeah. She's my... The one from, uh... Yes. Okay. Yes.

Whatever you're about to think? Yes. I want to have sex with her, but the thing is TikTok, you know what I mean? She's in her... I need to have sex with her immediately and I need to get famous to have sex with her. Why don't you get on fucking TikTok, bro? I avoid TikTok. I think it's lame. It's lame.

It's lame. I'll never be famous off TikTok. It's not real. Yeah, yeah. It's not real. It's all Chinese bots. I hate TikTok with a passion. Well, I liked it when they first started out, and it was a bunch of 18-year-old college girls shaking their asses.

I was like, woo-hoo. It was also funny because you know that fucking song? Woo-hoo! That was me every time I went on TikTok. Yeah. That song kicks ass. Every time I went on TikTok, that's all you heard. My stomach keeps popping out of the fucking shirt.

Yeah, I just want to eat really one more time I don't think I'm I'm four years in a comedy So I got a lot to learn But the whole point of what I was saying is bombing is the only But then there's also the open mic level When you compare yourself to Metallica And Louis Cuy? That's exactly

Hell yeah Wild takes Yo, WAL take Wednesday Let me say this Tupac Shakor Better actor than fucking rapper Boom boom Woohoo

Motherfuckers Absolutely Wild take Wednesday You think he's a good actor Or you think he's a good rapper shitty actor I mean a shitty rapper bro fucking garbage

the fact that they compared him to biggie I never understood I was like one is so creative and original fucking makes sounds cool you know what I mean blah but I'm fucking biggie small you know

and then the other one was like West Coast baby I was like is he making fun of the fucking genre fuck him and then they put bullets in his ass and I was like that's exactly what happened we just created the most

unlikable podcast I like I love this episode. Hell yeah, dude. That's a great episode. Well, I'll take Wednesday. I,

I, I, it's so funny because I very rarely apologize. Actually, I constantly apologize. I constantly apologize.

But I, I apologize so much for comparing myself to Metallica. Why? No one does it. The whole point, yeah, everybody gets what I'm saying.

It was a crazy assumption. Who's listening to this right now? Who's listening? Do you know who listens? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because people hit me out of, like, friends from my hometown. Let's talk.

All right, while I'll take Wednesday. Which one of, Pick one listener, one listener, and let's fucking say his worst quality. No, I'm not doing that. Why? Hell yeah. Wild fucking take Wednesday.

Jimmy, it's on you right now. Is there a Jimmy? There probably is. James? My friend Jimmy sucked off his dad one time and told me, oh, oh, shit. You're saying this like, fucking, we got two minutes left. Yeah, no, all right. No, no, let's edit there.

Jimmy, your friend Jimmy sucked off his dad. What do you want to promote? Instagram. I got an Instagram. Joe Not Famous. And then a Twitter, Joe underscore 4 underscore you. I got to change that, bro. I got to make them all the same.

Yeah. By the way, I'm going to give you one minute to just sum up Jimmy getting molested by his dad. Oh, no, no, no, I was just fucking about. No, no, that's not true. I love how you're like, yeah, my mom put a naked thing on me. She probably sucked my dick. Oh, Jimmy, that was a joke about Jimmy getting his dick sucked by his dad's dick. Because this sounds like it's...

No, no, no. What you said has been insane enough that I was not surprised. No, because we were saying your friend. How am I the voice of reason on this episode? This never happens. I'm on Adder on my personality. I'm a robot today.

I started remembering a lot of stuff and my life is fucking not good is what it is.