Morning Good - That's MY Abortion - Episode 245

Episode Date: November 17, 2024

Zach Vandegrift and Matt Bowman join the show for today's episode. They talk about The Shield, the best pranks from their youth, and the Presidential Book of Secrets.Thanks to Zach for coming on the show for the first time and to Matt for joining us again. Check out Matt on previous episodes of the show and check their links below for more.Zach is on Instagram @handyvandy and he's in the village running the Rent Controlled comedy show. Matt is on Instagram as well @mattbowmancomedy and also hosts the podcast Matt Bowman is Bothered.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. And we're here with Zach Vandergrift. And Matt, I like that you raised your hand because they can't. There's audio listeners. We're going to have no idea. medium.

They're going to have no idea what that was. Are you going to do all silent? No, no, sorry. I just wasn't sure if I had an intro or not. That's fine. Zach Banner. I mean, I don't know what, who did you vote for? How are we introing you?

Well, I didn't vote. Yes. Yes. I stand by that 100%. Yes. Let's go. Yeah. No, I love not voting.

And then it's very funny, the upsetness people get with it. Oh, sure. That's part of the reason why I didn't do it. It just piss me off. Well, the funny is there's a picture of my grandpa, and he looks like he's about to like a wind gust is going to knock him over.

And he's just wearing like an eye voted sticker. And I was like, I feel like a piece of shit because I just jerked off all day. And then I'm like, I don't know. I was like, yeah, I'm not going to do this. But yeah, I also had a friend too who is like, I know who's going to win. And it's going to be Kamala.

And I was like, I don't want to be a dick if she doesn't win. But I'm definitely going to say something because it's funny when people are wrong. Dude, I had a conversation with my wife. Oh, Matt Bowman's here, by the way, too. Yeah. I was going to call.

It doesn't matter. But I had a conversation with my wife after we voted. And thank you. And look at me. I'm married. She was like, she was like, who do you think is going to happen? And I was like, honestly, she was like, yeah.

I was like, I think he's going to run away with it. And she's like, oh, no, it's going to go the other way. I'm like, all right, bro. And then I have, I, I, that was not one where I bring up that I was right. Well, you sound like a bigot if you're like, no, he's going to wait. No, he's going to, yeah. I talk shit on both sides. like when he was like when at the very beginning,

I'm such a, I'm full of complete shit. I was like, oh, he's definitely going to win. And then it looked like she was doing a little better. I don't know what could go either. Like I just say whatever's happening as if it's like,

because I don't really watch sports. So this is like the closest thing to sports ever watched. This is what I kind of felt like as I said. I didn't vote. I kind of was excited when he was winning just because it was funny to me. Yeah. Because he's just because nobody, like a lot of people were like he's not going to win.

So it was kind of funny to like watch. Yeah. But then when he got elected, I was like, oh, I'm not happy. Because I was like, I just saw Facebook and Instagram just become a nightmare. Oh, yeah, I forgot.

S&Ls already gone crazy again. Yeah, and then I didn't know any of the abortion stuff. It's like the main thing people are like mad about it. I didn't know anything was happening with abortion. I had no clue anything. So like randomly, like all the women are like, if you voted against me having abortions, I was like, what, wait, what? I was like, I didn't, ah.

I just, I didn't know. I also didn't vote. Yeah, yeah. But in my mind, I thought it was just like, okay. Like, this is how fucking stupid I am. I'm like, this personality again, I was like, is it the guy we like more or less or the one we like more or less? Like, I forgot that there was, I just completely forgot.

Oh, issues at stake. I just thought, I forgot there was anything at stake. Yeah. I thought it was. Well, I feel like it is more of like, who do you wander around the country? Because he's not really the guy that's like, this is now happening. Right. I don't know, actually.

This is what I've heard. Yeah, yeah. I just think it's so fucking funny that, like, because it is central, like, what it, break it down, what is a political campaign? It's kind of a popularity contest. Of like who can we convince to like us more? Yeah. And it's so

funny when you look at it through that lens, that when Democrats lost, they blamed the people that they were supposed to convince for not voting for them. And it's just like, wait a... No, no, dude. It's not on us. Like, if you wanted to win, fucking run a better thing, man. I don't know.

Yeah, that was the funny part too. I saw a lot people that were like, if you're a Republican, unfollow me. I'm like, well, you've learned nothing from the last... Oh, dude. Because the whole thing is you're supposed to convince those people to vote for you. 100%. Why the fuck are you like, hey, don't follow me. You're like...

The less Republican friends you have, the further you're... It's so stupid the whole like, oh, if you're not with my beliefs, then get out of here. It's like, okay, well, then they're going to win again. Like, what do you think's going to happen? Also, have a couple crazy friends. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I've got a couple friends. You ever have a crazy friend that just, like, paragraph texts you about that?

Oh, yeah, dude. Those are so... Dude, I got friends that are like, no, we need to outlaw porn. I'm like, what is going on here? I'm like, I'll, I mean, you're talking to the biggest porn guy in the world, but I'm like, I'll still be friends. That is, that's my abortion. That's my, that's my body, my choice. Then you got to like throw out a couple, like, like, lines to keep them going.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, so tell me more about that. Okay. Well, what about this thing? Oh, dude, well, that thing is fucking pull. And then they just keep going. They blow through every stop sign you put in their way. Oh, yeah.

best. Wait, are your friends in your home life like what people think of Florida in New York? So it was all over the place. Like, I think it was like, Florida used to be a swing state and it was kind of all over the place. So my hometown

is technically, Winter Park is a Democrat. It's a blue city. Okay. But... I'm very familiar with Winter Park. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out Lauren. Yeah. That's so funny. Just shouting out some girl we know from... Yeah, I'm not. Yeah.

Oh, you know you are. Thank you for your service. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. Or Lauren. But, uh, yeah, yeah. Well, that's as far as we don't know what Laura. I mean, the only person that knows is Lauren. Everybody else is in any of the fuck we're talking about.

Lauren's going to think that, like, we're telling everybody that she, like, slurped all of us. It's just like, I don't know. I'm scared. No, no. But, but, yeah, no, I don't know. It's like, all my friends in high school. It was a mix. I had, like, communist friends.

I had friends that were, like, in high school? I mean, they weren't, like, you know. in like, I don't know, they weren't like starting a factory. I just feel like none of my friends gave a shit in high school. No, we get drunk in political arguments about stuff we didn't know about. Like, I randomly would just be like, I need to have an AR 15. Yeah, I was like 15. I would be like, dude, I would go up to cops like drunk as hell.

I'd be like, I know my fucking rights, dude. I'd be such a dick. You're that guy? Oh, it was a huge piece of shit. And then I would just be like, yeah, I don't know. I was like, I guess I was like libertarian leaning, but I didn't know anything about politics then. I don't know anything about it now. But, yeah, no.

like, it's like I definitely have a Republican group chat from home. And then I got to like throw the occasional thing in there just to let people know. I got to let know occasionally let people know where I stand. Which is like I'm pretty left leaning, but I really am like, I'm open to all kinds of beliefs. I'm very much like, it's so funny to see somebody born in a different place with different information. They have a different Facebook than you have different Instagram. And then you're like, why don't you think exactly like me?

Oh yeah. Yeah. Because they have different source of information. 100%. with stuff that's not important. Like sometimes, like, I'll take my wife's phone, like, not for anything bad, but just like... Yeah, just to make sure that she's, you know, not cheating on you.

But, yeah, there's, like, all these other cocks on her phone. I don't know what they're going from, but... Just like, you scroll... I'll scroll through her, like, TikTok, and I'll be like, why don't I like any of this? Yeah, right? It's just like, oh, because it's not for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. None of this is for me.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I would say, like, in high school, they were like, what's it called? Like, they were like, I don't know, the one thing I have said is multiple times I got a real problem with the straight-edge conservatives. Like that is my real

straight-edge liberal. What does that mean? Like they're like, they're like, we need to get back to like, you know, uh, no only fans,

girls twerking on the internet and like, none of this and like, like, good Christian. I feel like most of your issues are porn related. Yeah. A borderline sex addict. And I'm like,

this is what's going on. No, no, I just like to have fun. I don't know where the line gets drawn. But, my thing is like, I don't know, it's like, there used to be like a fun

kind of attitude towards it. And then now it's like, you get like those weird guys that are like, like Ben Shapiro or, I mean, I guess he's kind of like libertarian leaning, but like, I just don't like people that are like more rules.

Sure. I mean, like the fact that Florida voted against marijuana is so fucking retarded to me. Sure. Yeah, it's like, what did you? And like the advertisements were so funny. I was there.

And it was just like some dumb sheriff. It's like, if you legalize marijuana, the kids are going to smoke. fan and all and you're like this is so retarded. The kids first off like when we were teenagers we would go to adult drug dealer's houses.

Yeah, it would have other drugs there and my friends were doing fucking heroin in high school. It's like yeah, exactly yes. And it was like yeah, that's what it happens when I would much rather the kids get a fake ID and go buy weed. Now I'm not saying they went to buy weed and they're like oh what is this fucking heroin, let's do it. But it's like you're

associating yourself with more dangerous people when you have a criminal criminal enterprise versus like alcohol where it's like you buy it from like your older brother's friend or like you steal some from your parents. So it's like kids are going to fucking do drugs either way. Yeah. And the commercials were so funny. They were like, oh, don't you hate the smell of marijuana?

Which nobody does. It smells really good. It's a fantastic smell. So like, yeah. Yeah, it's like any like legalizing marijuana would just make the supply less likely to be contaminated. Sure. So that's all dumb and stupid. But I don't know.

But also like the way they do laws in Florida is really dumb because like they have like a six week abortion rule. which like is I would say early but once again I'm not picking sides just trying to get pushing here. He leans left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like the law they introduced

they're like, okay, what about a 24 week abortion thing? You want to vote for yes or no? And it's like, well, that's not how you do. Like that's purposely set up to fail because most people are like, oh, I don't want to agree for 24 weeks. Like I'd agree to like 10 to 16 weeks or like... But if you don't agree, then it's just

everything's off the table or... Then it's six weeks. So the amendment was to make it a 24 week thing. Gotcha. I think. This is also just going off a family group chats. Which are always reliable. Somebody sent in a picture of a fetus and I just sent it back with a guitar

and sunglasses on it and I was like, this is involved, this I'm getting in this right now. That's great. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, but I am also a douche because I'll occasionally just be like and then just beg, I'm not political. Like I'll just say a political take and just well, I'm not really political. Yeah, and then it's just annoying for other people because they're like, no, I want

to argue with the thing you said now. Yeah. No. Oh, dude, I just, I don't know. Like I, there's one branch. I feel like does every, I feel like if you have a crazy family, you're either, the whole family is crazy, or there's like one branch that is like, oh shit, they're coming, this is going to be a wild time. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yep.

You know who you are. Yes. I feel like most people that you know, they are normal and their cousins, their first cousins are very weird or crazy. Yeah, like your mom or dad has a brother or a sister and that, that section, they, they, spawned the weird section. Oh, you want to hear something really fucked up? My parents are going to hate this, dude. This is really dark.

So when I was going to, the rule is if my parents died in a car crash, I, like, not specifically a car crash. I was going to say it, but only a car crash. If I was going to die, then we get to live with my cousins, and I love my cousins and my aunt and uncle. So there was, like, moments where I was like, that would be so sick. I don't actually want my parents to die,

but I kind of like played it out. I was like, dude, I'll be that fucking cool orphan kid. And then like, that would be funny if they died in a plane crash. And the judge was like, sorry, it says your only car crash. You are now a ward of the stage. Yeah. You go to a weird orphanage. Here are your weird burlap sacks you have to wear as clothes. We're taking your shoes.

We're taking. No, yeah, dude. Do you like porridge? Because it's all your kids. That's it, dude. But it's so funny, too, because like, they were allowed to watch R-rated movies. And I was like, oh, God, I hope you get to fucking red. You know, actually, Louis had a really good bit about that.

It's an older bit about it It's about how like cool it would be Like you want to be an orphan A little bit as a kid You just want like some sort of like edge to you So you're like yeah dude I didn't grow up like everybody else I had to fucking fight for everything I have

Yeah Which is not my story My parents have They're doing great Yeah Yeah I don't want you guys To die in a car crash moment That's good

It's so funny that I feel Well it'd also be weird now If they died in a car crash And you had to go live with your cousin You can adopt an adult though Really? Yeah I like I got really fucked up

At the beach A couple weeks ago I was really bonding with my friend's dad, and I was like, wouldn't it be funny if you legally adopted me? Just did it. And, uh, yeah, we didn't, we looked into it. Like, you could legally adopt it at all. Does it cost money? I don't. I just, I'm, yeah. Because I'm gonna hit them up like once a month. I big dude. I'll totally pay you back. If you just, yeah, just go on, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to be like changing your name, I feel like. Yeah, which I looked into. God, the amount of shit I'm gonna do. Because I'm,

as soon as I'm, as soon as I'm changing my middle name to fart, because I don't have a middle name. And I haven't done that yet. I don't know. I don't know. It's on the list. I got to get my tax return back first, which I still have knocked on it. You think you would do more if porn was off the table of, like, you can't watch porn until this is completed? No, I don't even think I watch, like, no, no, no, that's a lie.

I watch a ton of porn. I love, I catch myself trying to be like, I don't drink that much. I don't watch that much porn. I don't eat garbage. I just, I indulge a lot. Oh, go ahead. Finish. Finish. Yeah, no.

So I don't, I don't think porn is making me unproductive. I just think that, like, uh, I don't know. Yeah, I think, you know what my special porn thing is? I'll watch a lot of porn if I'm, like, hung over on a Sunday. And I'm just trying to get a dopamine rush. Okay. Like, I'll just kind of be like,

eh, doops. Just kind of like a zombie. I'm like, but, ah! Dude, I've done it like that, or just, like, even just, like, having normal sex? my head, like, like, the fuck, like, if I'm hung over, like, I will get a headache and I, it will take me right out of it. Like, I can't do it. Really?

Yeah. My thing is, I think it's a distraction. Like, I don't want to be anxious. And then so I just watch porn. But it's not like always like what I, I don't know, I've gone through like, the problem is my, my other thing is like sexting. So I'm on field and I can just talk to a woman like in Ohio. It would just show me her boobs. Nice, dude.

But that don't think too long because then it's like, I'm like waiting for the spots. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a pigeon. RFK is sending a pigeon with a letter of her tits. Oh, yeah, I do.

Go to Michael's house. Wait, where are you from? I'm from Ohio, which is funny. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm from Cincinnati. It's just your mom. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like,

yeah, I don't know. So I'm trying to like, but I don't know. I think it's, I'll weave in and out of tasks. So like, I am very aggressive about like I have a day job and I add up all the minutes that I'm not working and do them plus.

So like, if I watch porn for 10 minutes, I will add 10 minutes to the end of my day. I like, because I'll be like, this was immoral of me to jerk off. Or I'll do it on like a lunch break or something like that. Sure. Or I'll do it in between calls or something like that. Like I'll just kind of like sext while I'm like calling people. Well, I think, and that's what I was going to say.

I think it would be interesting to if I could invent, if they should invent an app that at the end of the year, kind of like a Spotify wrapped. Oh, no. But it just tells you how much time you spent doing X number of activities. No, no. That'd be interesting. Well, I think it might get you to stop doing it. Do you have a vice? Um, so, like, I smoke weed, like, almost every night.

Okay. But it's, I wait until after I'm done with everything. Like, I'm not, like, if I'm out doing spots or I'm like, I'm obviously working, but, like, just not doing that. Key to me a huge favor. Yeah. That's all right. That's all right. That's fine. Whenever we get a hot episode cooking, I'm like,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, come on. No, we got to hear about how much porn I watched. I know. I would say, I should probably not watch as much porn as I do. Yeah, especially given that I'm a married man. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, other than that, not really.

Like, yeah, it is. Like, I'm a, dude, I'm a different kind of. I mean, seriously, dude, I'm single. That's fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like, I don't know. Like, I like beer and I'll drink, but, like, I don't get fucked up very,

I just, the hangovers are just so, brutal for me now. Yeah. Like, after I turn 30, it's just two days now. Wow. Overcome stuff. It's bad. Yeah.

I mean, I guess depending on how bad, like, how much I was drinking or whatnot, but, like, yeah, it's pretty bad. I don't like, I don't like that feeling. It's necessary, though. Like, as much as I hate hangovers, like, this is, I would be out of control if it didn't exist. It's so funny because- You're saying you would drink all the time if hangovers.

Yeah, absolutely. Well, like, like, when you're out and you're having a good time, you're like, dude, this is the best fucking night ever. So much fun, dude. I'm living in, like, that Tyo Cruz. fucking song or what a tonight I'm a love of you The Pitbull and

Neo song Thank you I'm sorry I fucking don't I don't know anything But then like the next morning Every single time I wake up And I'm like I'm probably I'm never gonna drink again right Like never again

I will never have another drink And then like six weeks later That's why I am but I'm like I will never Stop drinking I'll never not do this Yeah but no no I do like get the Yeah no the hangovers really do suck but like it's weird

I'm not the first one to say this but it is almost like alcohol is meant to it's meant for kids almost because it's so weird that like you assume as you get older your body could process something better it makes no sense

like a child's body can process alcohol in a way that does not get them hung up especially because like it's their liver can process it but it's just destroying like their brain development it's so crazy

it's like the worst thing for them but it's like for some reason they're like yeah no side effects of this for me yeah but yeah, I don't know. I think you said if I had something with porn, I don't think it's, I don't know, I don't think it's an issue.

I think this is what I got to do. I got to, like, jack off faster. I should set a timer and be like, because the problem is, I am a very what's around the next, what's in the next breath. Oh, of course. Oh, too, you want the best.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm always like close coming. I'm like, there's could be something better than this. Yeah. Like, sometimes, like, I'll start the, it'll be like 30 seconds a minute in, and then like it'll still be playing but I'll like scroll down to like the like the other video like well what's what's

oh I like that and then you click on that and you're like oh well then that took me to a whole other thing and yeah and then next thing you know on some woman's page and you're like does she have a Twitter and you're looking through that and like my problem too is like what I'll do is I normally what I do is like I will look if I get a clip I always try to find the full video so then I'll like copy and paste the title of the clip for the video and see if it's like

on some weird leaked website. But you'll look at a clip. Oh, you're saying like a 10 minute clip. Yeah. I say you meant like 30 seconds. Yeah. Because like the thumbnail will be great and then the thumbnail won't be in the clip. Yeah.

Yeah. So the nails like later on. I'm like, no, I want to see the jizz. And then, yeah. Dude, that's my favorite. I've kind of been doing a little bit of a bit about this of like the one of one of my favorite recurring comments and porn like comments stuff is the guy who's always just like, that's not real come.

You know that right. And I'm like, yeah, and that's not his step sister, bro. Like, what are you fucking talking about right now? Like, why do you want to see real calm? It's a little gay. You know what I mean? Like, wait a minute, dude, who gives a shit? That's so funny.

He'd be like, yeah, I do the real thing. Yeah. Dude, I got the funniest comment. So I'm on fucking field, which is like the weird kinky dating app where there's like couples that want you to fuck their girlfriend or whatever. And I'm a very fun person. That's hot. And when guy goes, this guy goes, I'm like, I, you had to emphasize you.

Like, I am straight. I'm not trying to do anything gay. and the guy goes, it would be a shame if I got it. Which is kind of like that it's always sunny thing doing the gym, like two straight guys. Yeah, yeah. But it just comes across as super gay. And then you get there and it's just the husband.

Yeah, I thought you were talking in code. Some guy goes, be a shame if I got hit by some friendly fire. Oh, God. I was like, no, no, no. It's very tricky. Yeah. Have you got, have you hooked up with a married couple or like a couple before? Yeah, I fucked a guy's girlfriend with him one time.

Whoa. Yeah, yeah. Like he was, he was participating or he was watching? He was one of those. It was like he started to watch and then he's like, let me get in there. Like he was like kind of like, like he, I thought it was like a beta cuck thing, but it was an alpha cuck thing. So he wanted to actually be like, he wanted to be like, he can't fuck you as good. Like he wanted me almost.

At least that's what I was getting. So did he push you out or do you just take the other side? He pushed out. He just like, can I drop in here? Then it was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're doing it all wrong. Yeah. So were you taking turns?

basically yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't get that it's so funny too because in my mind i'm like the morning good audience has heard this story too many times they're like come on michael we get it you're getting crazy um i have no i i've said this before more times the fun part about double teaming in one of them is you get to hang out with a dude afterwards because like you know it's really fun when you text a guy you're like dude i just got late but then you just be like in three seconds like wasn't that sick three minutes ago that was awesome we both just got pussy yeah so and i hate to be graphic for the viewers. Did you both come in her?

No, no, no, no. She had a queen thing a bunch, and then we kind of giggled and just kind of dissolve. Like, I've never had sex just dissolve that way. Oh, so like nobody finished? No, no, no, no. What a bad time. Oh, totally. That's so weird. And I thought I left my keys there and I was like,

fuck. I was like texting them to get my keys back, but it turns out I gave it to somebody else. Oh my God, dude. That's so, that's so interesting to me. Yeah, yeah. But, uh, yeah, that's what happens when you're in a seven-year relationship and then you get out of it, you're like, whoa. But also, like, like, before.

before I was in a relationship, I was kind of wild. Like, I'm very much like, I don't know, I like adventure, but I think there's a, there's a level where it gets too much, and I'm like, all right, I got to like. Dial back? Yeah, and I have, for the most part, dial back more than I was. Like, I don't, like, if somebody was like,

if somebody was like, hey, do you want to go to an orgy, I'd be like 100%. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I couldn't do that. How many people does it take to qualify as an orgy? I think more than four, because I think four, it's a foursome, and I think five's an orgy.

Okay. Interesting. But then I think three guys and one girl is a gang bang. Hmm. Yeah. I feel like, yeah, there's a specific number, but then there also has to be a certain number of parts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if it's one, even if it's one girl and, like, nine dudes, that's still, like, a video that you would watch.

One guy and four women. Those are funny. I saw one. It was, like, it's like four women over this guy's face, like, boo cocking a guy with, like, swart. Yeah, and I was like, this is so funny. He's just, like, he's, like, grinning. He's like, oh, no. no, what are you going to do to my face?

Like just taking the role of a woman like, oh, what are you going to squirt on me? I'm going to catch some friendly fine. Yeah, yeah. So, you've been to an orgy? No, no, but I would. Oh. Yeah, I never been to an orgy, no, no. It's so funny people call them sex parties.

I just call it an orgy. Yeah, that's, no. Yeah, people love sugar-coating things like that. But I feel like sex party isn't even sugar-coding that much. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I would like... Should we call the fucking suck. I don't know, dude, whatever happened is just having like a normal party

and then like you just know that somebody can just, you can just go upstairs to the other room and you can go action and then you go back down to the actual party. This is why I love Matt because he's a family man coming from a different perspective. I'm fully on board. But like, like, that's that, I'm describing a house party. Go to a house.

That basically is an orgy except instead of just two people being like, should we? It's the whole collective. Yeah, and everybody goes upstairs. Why do I feel like a sex party? already has like weird games, like musical chairs, but with people's penises. They're just like all laying down like that. They're like, oh no, no, no. I got to sit this one out. Damn it. It's like, oh, Terry soft. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just can't. I'm so, like, it's definitely insecurity, but like I'm so insecure about my own self. And like, I'm still,

like, I'm obviously worried about like even just pleasing my wife. I can't imagine being in a group like that. Well, this is what I think it is for me. I think it's like disjointed. genuinely gets like deeper and deeper, I think. But, but, it might have to beep the name. That's too funny. Okay,

so, like, I think it's like, for me, it's like, there's a healthy aspect of me being like, I want to go on adventures, I want to have an exciting life.

Of course. But I think there was an unhealthy aspect of me being like, I'm going to die one day and I got to soak it all in. Like, I think there is, like, you ever watch that always studying where Frank? It's like,

I don't know how many years. I got left, but I'm, he said something like, I don't know how many years I got left, so I want to make it real weird until then. Like, I think I kind of had that, because I've had a bunch of friends pass away, and I think for me, I'm like,

oh, I am going to die one day. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't know what's on the other side, so I'm like, I do want to, like, soak up adventures and have fun and not miss out. But I think there's, like, a degree of, like, I think the problem with the apps is, like, you get it there all at once,

versus, like, if you, things can just happen in everyday life. It's like, you know, like, I think if, comedy works out, I'll get invited to an orgy at Mr. Sean Diddy Combs' house or something like that. And then, you know, that's how, by the way, that's how you do orgies. Not the, not the rape and stuff, but I'm saying

like, you know, it should be like a thing where you're like, oh, we all, this all came together. Yeah, sure. Yeah, dude, I've always been saying, the 10% of the Diddy parties that was consensual was the how you do it. That is the blueprint for how to have a second. That is. party. It's just the internet's making it kind of like, look, it's fun to do that. But I'm like,

this is getting a little bit like, yeah, dude, I heard it was just the liberal media that was making it's such a big deal, dude, these fucking cucks. Like, what? You can't handle a fucking touch. Dude, his,

his lawyer was awesome with that. Where he's like, the lawyer, because like, okay, I personally don't think the baby, well, the thing was that crazy.

I was like, the guy is throwing orgies and like sex parties and blackmailing people. It'd be like, if you found condoms at Epstein South Strach, you know,

he had 5,000 condoms like, yeah, that's what's going on there. That's not necessarily. But, like, the lawyer was so funny because PD lawyer's like, you puritans. He's like, just adults have an healthy fun. It's just very funny to like,

look, I am somebody who like, I'm fucking wild, but it's very funny to be like, to start putting it on the cameraman, be like, what, you never been to an origin? Yeah. Oh, sorry, fucking investigator who's not getting pussy. Yeah, yeah.

was sorry just smell my fingers yeah that's what a ditty party is I was gonna ask if the lawyer was black or Jewish the lawyer he was a white guy but but maybe Jewish

yeah yeah right why do you ask I just that seems to be the direction with those high profile rapper celebrity murder sex party cases

yeah are any OJ's lawyer still available and I think it's it's more interesting hearing a Jew talk about an orgy than a black guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know why, but it just, a Jew would seem kind of like it's not hygienic and it's just, it's too much. Dangerous in it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a draft and it was, oh, it's too much. I wish I could do a Jew impression where I'm not,

but I'm where I'm not doing the weather or get, like I need more, like I hate when I try to do a stereotype and I'm too base level. You know what I mean? Like, I want to know, like, I want to know, like how to like like how would you do a lawyer a Jewish lawyer talking about a ditty party I'm not an impression guy but uh by the way I used to be sick when I was like 10 maybe this is my imagination but I could have sworn I could do every accent yeah and what do you think you're best

at yeah what's up what were you best at oh I could do Chinese accents I could do Japanese accents I could do maybe this is just a false memory yeah but I think I was Robin Williams when I was 10 and then randomly like I lost my confidence yeah so now like I do like an Indian accent I'm I'm like, you do have to commit. Oh, yeah. You gotta commit to it. And even if, and if it doesn't work, you got to eat it. But, like, if you go in half ass, they can tell.

And it almost comes off. It's more racist. You mean it. Yeah, yeah. And it's just like, oh, no, no, no. But then you dig yourself all where you're like, oh, no, I'm really not. And then they're like, well, we don't believe you. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you look like, like a dog who, like, peed on the floor and it's like, no, like, he knows he did something wrong. And they're like, don't, you fucking know you did something wrong. Right. He's trying to, like, back out of the room. like a dog. And then an Asian guy eats it. Yeah. Versus like a dog who just like takes a shit just right there and looks.

You're like, what are you gonna fucking do about a bitch, yeah, all right. That's my cat, dude. Your cat shits and looks at you? No, but like if they do something wrong, they're just like, what fucking deal with it? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Okay.

What are you going to do? Yeah. It's my cat. But, uh, the accent thing. Yeah, yeah. It's like I used to, in my mind, maybe I'm, I love an accent. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I was, uh, I don't know.

I keep trying to do the Chinese one. I'm just so bad at it. You have a Chinese? Like on stage or just in life? Just like a good person. Like I was just at my parents' house like recently and I'm like we were doing that game and it's always sunny

where you point to a place in the globe and I landed on China and I was like trying to do a Chinese accent like the Japanese ones very like it's so over the top and it's easy. Oh, the morning good vodka. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or the female like ooh. Yeah. But even that's kind of awful. But even that's kind of awful. But the Chinese ones like a little more like the morning good I can't do it at all

it's like crazy that's not bad that wasn't terrible I need more words though this no that's two Japanese a Chinese the morning good potke

no it's like I all the place I could do like German or like fucking I'm pretty pissed off right now actually just for I don't know why but I'm upset

did you see this will tie together the always sunny episode where they were talking about It might be the same one where they were talking about impressions and Dennis says that he can do a great CCH pounder impression. And he, dude, FX, the TikTok, like their TikTok account posted both clips back to back or just the audio of the clip from It's Always Sunny and then from the Shield. They, and they flipped the voices and it took me four listens to realize that they had put Dennis's voice over the CCH pounder clip. It's the only reason...

That's such a great flex. Like, we're not fucking racist. You can't even tell the difference. Wait, what's CCH pounder? She's like a black. Have you ever seen The Shield? No. It's the only thing I've ever seen her in.

So she's based... I mean, the way that they say it, that Frank says it in the... And it's always funny. He goes, he hasn't even seen the show. Yeah. Dennis hasn't seen the show The Shield. Yeah.

And then he just does like a... What is the line? It's like... God damn it Dutch! How many other errands do you have us running for the DA? Yeah, and then Frank's like, yeah, I've never seen the show.

but I'm sure she's like a no-nonsense blackboard. Yeah, a no-nonsense black braw down to the precinct. It's like, yeah, that's exactly who she is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's great. Her character's awesome. That show's so good. I actually just watched that show. This is how dumb I am for, until like a month ago,

I thought when people were talking to Shield, I thought they were talking about that stupid Marvel, the Shield. Oh, dude, that's what I assumed you were talking about. When I would tell people that I'm watching the Shield, they would be like, some stupid ass. And I'm like, no, no, like with Michael Chickles from 2002, and they were like, oh, I thought you were gay. Yeah.

Yeah. No, no, I'm good. Yeah, they're wearing tight. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Oh, wow. Wait, what's it about? It's a show that, like, I feel like missed, like, it didn't. Walton Goggins is in it, right?

Walton Goggins is great. Michael Chickles. Who's Michael Chickles? He looks like, and he's the, the brick kind of guy in the Fantastic Four. Sounds like a guy gets no fucking pussy. Yeah. It's fucking chickless. But it's a, it's a cop drama, but it's a cop drama.

but it's, they're all dirty. All of the, the strike, there's four main characters called, that are on the strike team and they're headed by Michael Chickless.

Okay. And so they, like, they're in L.A. and they're... This is funny because this guy also is in a Marvel movie.

Yeah. He's the thing. Let me say. Yeah. This guy. He's the thing and, uh,

you ever see a fantastic... I wouldn't know who that is. He looks like a high school wrestler coach. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He, uh,

the way that Chris Ryder describes Jeff Bezos, he looks like a sweaty penis. That is so... Dude, that is hilarious. It's very funny. But yeah, they follow... It follows the strike team around L.A.

And so they're like... They have relationships with gangs, that some of them they let do shit because they give them kickbacks, other ones they crack down on. Is it based on a true story? It is based on... There was a thing called the strike team

in L.A., I think, in like the 80s or 90s. And kind of kind of... dirty-ish cops. Obviously, I mean, as the story progresses, they get dirty, they do crazier and crazier things. And then there's like, the lady I was talking about, CCH pounder, her and her partner Dutch, they're detectives. And the people in the precinct are kind of know what's going on with Michael Chickles. They kind of know they're like, oh, this guy's definitely dirty. But nobody can ever, they can never pin it on him. He always finds a way to get out of it. And, and then like that goes on for like, it was on for like seven seasons. It was really good.

That's successful. By the way, I was also relating this to my last relationship. People were like, I think a seven-year relationship is a successful relationship. Because if you see, the seven-season TV show is a successful TV show. That's very funny. There was the finale just had to wrap up. They were like, I don't know how many more seasons. Yeah, you were, I mean, yeah, you were a very successful show, and then you had a soprano's ending.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, just went to black and I was like, what the fuck? So he dies. Yeah. Half of you was just like, wait, what the fuck? Yeah. I wanted more. Yeah, this is out of the blue.

Holy fuck, shit. Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, that's, I don't think anyone would deny that. I feel like I heard something once that every relationship is unsuccessful until marriage or whatever, until the last one that you're in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I wish I was less jaded than I am. Like, I definitely am just kind of like people getting married and I'm like, good luck with that.

But it's like, no, I actually, I think I'm coming back around because I went to a wedding a couple weeks ago and I was like, I'm so happy for both. I was like, this is a good. Oh, that's great. Yeah, yeah. Because when it works, it works. And I also realize that's a divorce statistic. You know how inaccurate that divorce statistic is? Really?

Because it's not, it says like 50% of marriages and divorces. That's not accounting for all the serial divorcers. It's like the same people will get married and divorced 10 times and fuck up the statistics. A lot of people do have very successful marriages. Yeah. But it's not even being accounted for because like one guy gets divorced like five times. Sure. Oh, that's a giant percentage of this thing.

Sure, sure. That's interesting. Love is real. I believe in it, especially after. two weeks ago. That's great, dude. And, uh, yeah, yeah. I was never around divorce. Like, literally, I thought back, I thought about this, like, I don't know why a couple days ago, but none of my, growing up, like, none of my close friends, none of their parents were divorced. Like, everybody, every, everybody was together.

And, like, it was to the point. And, like, now, granted, we were raised, like, Midwest, like, we went to church all the time. Like, yeah, it was like, like, I remember, I won't, whatever, it doesn't matter. Like, we found out that somebody was getting divorced at church, and we're like, ooh. that's a big deal. Like that was news if somebody got divorced. Whereas everybody else at my school or everywhere else, it's like if your parents were together, that was crazy.

Oh yeah. I'm like blown away my parents are together. Like it's like really one of those things that like all my friends' parents are divorced. Even though like some of the best marriages from like my point of view, like oh, this is the perfect household. Just divorced. Wow. It's like where I'm from like I'm trying to think if I have any friends.

Like let me look at, okay, their parents are together. I wish I could say names. Yeah. But, yeah, no, I have, like, not. Parents are together. They are. But that makes sense that it's, like, a cultural thing of if no one in your town is divorced, you don't want to be the couple. I mean, like, I didn't, I wasn't even, like, a small town.

Like, I just lived in the suburbs of Cincinnati. But, like, even, like, yeah, not many of my friends' parents, like, even to this day, like, they're all, like, still together. A lot of them, like, get together and play cards. Were they religious? Or, okay. Yeah, we all went to church. I think I am the same church. I'm from a visey suburb.

The more and more I think about it. It's like, I'm from a nice suburb in Florida. And I think it's like, I don't know, I think there's something about Winter Park that's kind of like, it's like a lot of trophy wife situations. And you get that with like rich dudes and you get boats and you get tennis skirts and you get prescriptions for opiates.

And then everybody's cheating. I have no idea. I'm totally filling in the blanks there. But I'm just like, I don't know. This seems like it could be kind of... That's almost more of a testament to like if you last, wow, you must have really...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, or you got some major dirt on the other person. Yeah, yeah. Crazy shit. Or you have an understanding of, no, we just cheat on each other all the time. Well, isn't that like an open relationship?

Yeah. Yeah, well, I think it's a little different with like... Because swinging is apparently a big thing in most communities. you just don't know that when you're a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you just don't get invited unless you're cool. I'm the one. I'm having sex with everybody's mom and dad.

That'd be so funny. That'd be so funny. I'm just like in the local swear community of my hometown, just like, dang, I've banged half my friend's moms after high-fiving their dad's. My friend's mom used to have a pineapple just because she liked the decor of it. And that symbolizes that you swing. And so people would smash it. in her neighborhood, and she wouldn't know why, but she would constantly replenish it,

but people were kind of saying, like, get the hell out of here, you swing her. Oh, they're like doing hatecrats against her. She would put it, yeah, like on her mailbox or something. Wait, wait, that is exactly the swinger thing is to put it. Are you sure? She's not just a swinger because he's like, yeah, she was, dude, I love the idea, though, of somebody not thinking somebody's a swinger

and then just showing up and your friend's dead and pulls his penis out. We're just like pineapples here. And then he's like, my bad. I would also, dude, that would be so, if you knew, if you knew that knowledge, you're just driving through, like, a neighborhood and just like pineapple, pineapple, and you're like, these people get down. Yes. It's also a funny prank to do to somebody. Just put pineapples all over there. That is funny. Yeah. I didn't know that, but that's also, like, what a, what a very overt signal? Like, you'd think it would be, like, a little bit less of just, like, we have three flags in our front yard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, a, if I saw a pineapple on my friend's mailbox, I'd be like, what the, what are you doing, dude? that's so weight. It is weird, yeah.

But also, like, it's very big in Florida, like, swinging. Like, it's very funny because they're, like, very, they're very, they're much like, yeah, no, they're teaching our kids this stuff and it's very bad, but I'm going to have five black guys, fuck my wife. You're like, all right. You can be a little open-minded with the gay stuff if you're, like, swinging. I don't understand, like, the, I don't know, the weird level of, like, I don't know, all that gets complicated to you, the culture war stuff, because it is a thing where, like, some people are like, oh, I just don't want my kids to have transgender surgeries.

and then there's like, which I, that seems reasonable. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, but I, you know what, I'm not even going to go there. I hate fucking, I'm not turning this into every single other fucking podcast. I love saying this, you. I love saying I'm not political, and then I haven't got a fucking episode without. You're bringing up something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's all right. Yeah. Fun time. You said it would be a fun prank to put that on somebody. Do you do any, were you a prank, were you guys in high school? Yes. One of my favorite prank, my brother pulled on me. Okay.

Because he told me that all my parents paid my friends to hang out with me and paid them extra to laugh at my jokes. And I think that permanently fucked me. Like, I think that there is something like, that is my comedian origin story. And I believed it for like a year. And they'd like laugh. And I'll be like, how old were you? Dude, so that's where that Venmo came from last week. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I was probably like 10 and I believed it until I was like 13. Wow, dude. Like I just kind of like there was kind of this extra, like I really believed it. Yeah. Yeah, dude, that's, wow, that's sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was he older?

Shirley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'd be a fucking loser. If you believe you're younger brother. Yeah. That's so dumb. I'll pull pranks to my sister. Like, I would like, uh, I was just so funny.

I was just so kind of scare her, but it's just so mean. Now, I was just terrifying a little girl. I was like, what'd be funny if I just screamed in her face? Yeah. Because it is really funny, dear. I mean, I got, ah! I scared fucking Jake the other day, dude. I went behind the curtain.

We have a curtain in our hallway for the listeners that can't not the, you get it what I'm saying. I hope we have blind listeners. I don't hate blind people. Or death people. Anyways. The curtain there, I was like, I jumped out behind it.

It's just so fun to scare people. But one idea of my sister was really good is, I randomly was just like, yeah, there's a monster guy called the Waterman who's going to come. And literally, I went to school that day, and the pressure washing guy came. I had no idea. Wow. And so my sister just saw a guy in like a white.

He's wearing like a plastic. like weird like thing and she's like yeah it was just like I came up all the top of my head like I had no idea there's a pressure damn dude that rips uh one time uh me and my cousin fake fought in front of my grandma with really bad Alzheimer's so it's just a not a good prank but like at the time you don't know you're like this will be hilarious she was like who the hell are you yeah that's great yeah what speak fake fighting that's really fun we did that as a thing we went to I would go to church camp every summer and I would see guys that like you would only really see a church camp or like some

other random things throughout the year. And so we always got together and we were like, we were going to be cool and we have some do some pranks and be fun. And one of the ones we were just like, there was like a group of like 20 of us. And so like every night when we were like in line for dinner, we would like start a fake fight with all of us. And then the one time that we did it, there was a, the coolest guy there. His name was Brandon, but we called him B-Tank. And he, he, he was a massive guy who had autism, and he had the strength. He had it in spades.

The nicest guy in the world, but if he wanted to fuck you up, he could end your life. And so, like, me and my friend Alton, we started like fake fighting and like whatever. And Brandon, who loves both of us, like came over and was like, guys, stop fighting.

And then like he literally like pushed me up against him all. And I was like, oh, Brandon, we're joking. Yeah, he started like a real fight. I was like, oh my God, dude. I get a chest x-ray afterwards. That's so funny. Yeah, it was great. No, it is a good prank to fake fight.

Yeah, it's awesome. I think one of my cousins did this to the same grandma. He got like a fake bird and had a whole conversation with her, like outside the window as if he was the bird. Oh, that's great. So he was just like, hey, how's it going? And she just started, which even with Alzheimer's, I mean, come on, you're talking to a bird. What are you schizophrenic as well? What part of Alzheimer's makes you think birds speaking of, shyness?

I don't know. That's remembering weird information, not forgetting. Right, right. Yeah. I, I was a mischievous kid. I basically got expelled from middle school.

Whoa. I went to a strict middle school, and so I got too many detentions. I mean, there was some stuff that I did, but there wasn't, like, one big event. I think he assaulted a woman

because he's keeping very vague about it. He's like, a thing happened that we don't need to get into it. Well, there was, there was this R.P. Okay, so there was PE and weight training, and I chose P.E. And there was this one guy who was the weight training coach,

and he was also on the board of the school for if you get expelled to decide. And so I was talking to a friend, and we were talking about the 500 Club, which was like squatting, deadlifting, bench pressing, cumulatively. Right. Maybe it was six or seven. And there had only been two people that had ever done it that were in middle school. And I was saying that it was the coach because he was like benching with one hand and fisting a girl with the other. And as I said that, he walked by.

And he knew I was one detention away from getting expelled. So he basically said, you're going to be my bitch for the next week unless you want the detention. And so then he made me- We should get him a detention. What do you? He made me like crawl to the weight room. I had to lift for an hour every day, no breaks. would literally go to bed.

You know when you start working out and you can't like put your arm down? Yeah. I would like go to sleep and the covers would just be like thrilling it. So that was, uh, but the worst thing that I did outside of school was, uh, we'd blow up porter potty's a lot. I don't know why, but like with fireworks. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm gonna stop you there. Yes.

Porter potty's. Like construction workers. Well, they're porta potty. It's short for portable. Oh, portable. Porta bodies, yes. Portable potties. Hold on.

I'm sorry. How old are you? 13. Yeah. No, no, I'm talking about right now. Oh, I'm 27. You've been calling it Porter Potty for 27 years? That's crazy, dude.

What is that even me? Dude, I got a friend he didn't know. He was calling it a bailing suit for the longest I'm sort of a bathing suit. Like you're like, I'm fucking out of here. Yeah, I guess if you're on a boat, you're like, all right. Yeah, I'm fucking. That's so funny.

Wait, what's bailing? Oh, like, I'm going to bail out. I'm going to get out. I'm jumping in the water. Yeah, yeah. This is middle of conversation. You're like, nope. I'm going to

I'm going to the pool go to the beach. So we'd blow up porta potties. Yes. And one time we were, we lit shit on fire.

Yeah. And we left it at some guy's house. We rang the doorbell, nobody answered. And then we, we sprinted away. We came back

and the fire was spreading. It like started creeping up. Like it was a wood door frame. And, uh, I don't know how it happened. I guess somebody must have called 911. But,

uh, then fire. truck showed up. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's all. That's terrifying. Could you imagine if you like killed somebody by like just like doing a prank?

Like how. Oh my God. That's tough. Yeah. It's got to create such a dark side to you where you see kids prank and you're like, don't do it. It's not funny. I know it seems good.

Yeah. Yeah. Sounds good. Give your friend a wedge. See where this goes. It's a world of darkness. I'm telling you. Like there's just no part.

You can never see a prank and think it's funny again because you're like, no, yeah. Almost burn somebody. That's crazy. Well, I feel like that is kind of. what it's like to be a parent of

like when you know what stuff is like on the other side and you're like, why are you so strict and it's like, oh, you've just seen things? Yeah, yeah, 100%. And obviously there are some people that take it to the extreme and don't let you do anything. But for the most part, I do think that kids do have the ability to do things really

stupid that if the circumstances didn't work out in their favor, they could really be fucked. Oh, absolutely. Oh, yeah. Well, it's like the fucking bullshit where it's like, dude, you have kids like putting forks and shit all the time, like touching electrical socks. You're constantly doing dumb things. Like my favorite is I was talking to one guy.

This guy was in college and we were like, he was visiting me back in Orlando and he's going into my toaster with a fork to get his bread out. And I go, do you can't do that. He goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't like do not do that. He goes, yeah, no, I won't. It's, you're not. New toaster.

Like, it's one of the house rules. Yeah, he's like, your house. Your house. You're going to fucking die. Don't do that anywhere. He's like, yeah, yeah, no, I got you. Yeah, no, no, no. No, no, it's important.

to me that you know that that's not good. I need you to say. Explain me why you can't do it. Say it with your mouth. You said, damn, I haven't thought about this in forever, but you said the weight, weightlifting coach. And so there was a weightlifting or like, he was one of the phys ed teachers in high school.

And he had had a, he was like working out, I think he was like an assistant wrestling coach or something. And he was like working out with the team in the, like, one evening. And he had like a mess. mental break. And so, like, he was, like, convinced that he could turn the light switch off with his mind. And so, like, my buddy was, like, he was on the wrestling team when he was there. And he was like, come on, coach. Like, let's go. And he's like, no, I can do it. And he's like, fucking try. And he's like, dude, you're, you can't, I'll just turn. Don't touch it.

And he, so he has a mental break. And so he, like, takes, like, a sabbat, whatever, three months, six months, maybe the end of the year. He comes back the next year. Wait, was there something leading up or it was that day he just decided. As far as I can remember that's what it was. He seemed like a pretty normal guy. I don't know what was going on in his home or anything like that. It'd be funny if the six months was him just trying to turn like

so he's like, yeah yeah, yeah, no, I'll work on my mental health. He's like, these fuckers are going to see. But the best part was, so he comes back he comes back and so we all have like weightlift or whatever phys ed class we have to sign up for.

And so he was he would sit in his office sometimes and he was still reading this book and said what we did was we went out and we bought a book that was the same size that was just blank pages and then we took the book sleeve

and put it over that so that when he went to the bathroom we swapped it out and then he came back and he was like oh my god that's so funny it was so funny mean but so funny

dude It's so funny. I miss those days when that was like, that like made your year. Oh my God, just like a prank or something big happening in school and that's all anybody cared of it. It was like a simpler time

and now it's just. Yeah, well, the best part is like you couldn't even enjoy, it's such, so rose-covered lenses because in my mind I was like, I fucking love high school. But then if I really think about it, I'm sure I was like stressed about shit and like, like, I really loved high school.

No, I did too. But I think it was one of those things where I was like, there was a simplicity to it because if you were popular in high school, that was the most important thing. So you were achieving the most important goal in your life. Sure. At the time. At the time. No other time unless you become present in the United States, are you achieving your most important?

Like at that level. Sure. The only thing that matters is this. Because even when you're president in the United States, you're like, yeah, I'm present. But then, like, how's my wife doing? How am I? Like, there's all this shit that's going on. But, yeah, I was talking somebody else about that, too, because, like,

which is probably also not even the most important thing on the, the president's going to be like, well, your president's going to be like, my wife's going to literally fucking die right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, really, it'll be so cool to see what's going on in Trump's brain. Oh, well, I, I would love to see what's going on in the White House and like the book of secrets and just that kind of stuff.

I don't, I don't know if that's real, but like, I would love to see. It is according to national treasured. Yeah. If Nicholas Cage hasn't stared me wrong. I mean, I was just gossip. It was like, oh, my God. JFK totally kissed Maryland. I just like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Dude, Kim Jong-un has such a fucked-up dick Why do you think he's so stuck up all the time? Yeah, I don't know, it's Oh, no, I thought you were Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I just, that's, that's, I would love to know I think my thing is what I'm getting at is I love conspiracies And I imagine that if you're the president, they tell you like, yes, this actually happened, no argument,

guys, we're behind this, blah, blah, blah. And that would be, I could die a happy man if I knew that. Is that right there, to me, and I kind of putting this together right now in the moment, is like, to me, the best evidence or like a, uh, of that the president is like, yeah, he's in charge, but not really. Yeah, because I, you know what I mean? Yeah, I feel like this, I don't, everybody says, oh, if you're president of the United States, you have to know if aliens are real.

maybe to some degree but there's got to be so much shit like why does the president have to know what happened to the JFK assassination? Yeah, no. Why does he have to know that? There's no reason he has to know that. They, like, why would you let a,

if you were a sort of deep state thing? Yeah. Why would you let some guy who was elected by the people just know all that? Oh, we're saying the complete opposite, but that's interesting. Yeah, I'm saying, I don't think they tell them.

Gotcha, gotcha, got, I think there's, they probably tell them a lot. I guess what I'm saying is that like, he, the, yeah, even if, you're full two terms, eight years, 10 years, whatever it is, as president, the people that are telling you, like, okay, I swear to God, I am the president now, whatever,

the people that come in and be like, okay, so Mr. President, here's all the shit that's going on, those people, a lot of them are still going to be there. Like, unless he's appointed you, so it's just like, wait a minute. So, like, who's really fucking going? Like, these people that we've never heard of that are not voted on or not confirmed or anything,

that seems to be, I can see why people would be like, this smells like bullshit. Totally. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I like to think that they kind of sit,

Trump down, kind of like a, telling a kid's Santa Claus isn't real. Like he's just on like a swing set eating like a McDonald's burger. And they're like, we have something to tell you.

Okay, so you know how there's stars out there, right? You know what stars are. It's like there's an, like I picture of them telling him, like giving him the talk almost. Yeah.

I think 9-11 was an inside job. Oh, I do believe that 100%. Or you know what I think happened? I think they, I don't think they were like, let's make sure this. happens. I think that there's like all these terrorist

attacks that they know we're going to happen 100 percent. And I think that was one. They occasionally are like it's not fucking stop this one. Wasn't it that like one or many of the agencies like kind of knew about it? But because

they're competing with each other, they don't want like, if the FBI has something, they don't want the CIA to get credit for it or if the NSA has something, they don't want like the CIA to whatever to get credit for it. And I also think that And again, I don't fucking know anything. But I think there was like,

they were collecting so much data and so much information that it became like actually a negative where like they had found stuff to be like, oh, this is kind of, but there was too much to sift through to find that kind of thing. That's possible too. I have heard this, I have heard somebody say they knew somebody who worked for the NSA,

which this is not reliable source at all. But they said if you knew how many times there was almost like a horrible terrorist attack, you would be living in fear forever. You knew how many close calls you've actually had. See, they say that, but then I'm watching the Unabomber right now.

And everyone's like, this guy's a genius. He's making his own bomb. He's like killing three people over the span of 20 years. And it seems like terrorist attacks and just orchestrated crime in general is so hard to pull off,

not because we have a good defense, but because people are just inept at offense. That's powerful. Like you ever try to like, it's very funny that like some of these school, I mean, I guess it's just kind of interesting that like some of these people can just like knock out like so many people with a gun when it's like I go to a shooting range and I'm like, oh, I can't shoot shit. Yeah. But then like somebody's just like. But I also feel like people don't knock out a lot of people with a gun. Like most school shootings, it's a lot of injured, but it's not a lot of death.

Or like that guy in the fucking subway two years ago. You remember that guy? The comic? Yeah. Was it a comic? The guy. Oh, we're not talking about a. I'm talking about the shooter guy in the subway.

Yeah, I don't even know if I talked about that comic on here. Oh, I don't even know who we're talking about. There's a comic who's done this podcast. Oh, no, no, no, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the big one. Like, do you remember that? It was like on the, like, on the L or something. Yeah, did he go to get ice cream afterwards?

But like he shot up, he shot like 10 rounds and missed everybody. He was like a lack of premises guy, right? I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy. I think the craziest thing, like, you're talking about, like, being bad at offense. I think the craziest thing is how well these guys. Like the big terrorist dudes can hide for years.

And, like, when we got bin Laden, we were like... We did that. We were like 50%. Yeah. Thank you. Like, we weren't even sure that he was there. And it's crazy to me that, like, the U.S. government is looking for you, and you're, like, not a big deal.

I can stay. Like, if... Well, he was, like, in caves, though. Sure. But, like, if anybody wants to find me, even if I was, like, break my cell phone, fucking whatever, they would find. find me in two weeks, or a day, whatever. Whereas they can...

Well, on American soil and amongst people that, like, you are also dressed like you are in a disguise. So you have a hat, glasses, and a mustache, which is exactly what somebody would do if they were on... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you kind of have a hidden face in that way. Yeah, I'm a different person now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear what you're saying of a domestic terrorist, I think would be very easy to find. I think international would be nearly impossible. Well, I thought the whole Bin Laden thing was like that we weren't allowed. to go into some areas. Yeah, that's probably true too. We can't just fly. And they hate us.

CNN to just like interview him. Yeah. And now they get mad because like fucking Rogan had Trump on. But they're like just interviewing Osama bin Laden. You're like, did they actually interview? Yeah, they interviewed Osama bin Laden. That's hilarious. Do you remember

the correspondence dinner that Seth Myers did, like where he made fun of Trump and people were like that might be like where Trump decided to run for president? There was a or no, Seth MacFarlane, I think. No, it was definitely Seths Myers. Oh, okay.

Sethiq-Carlin additionally made fun of him to them to a roast. Oh, gosh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know why I just thought of this joke, but it was about Ben Laden, and Seth Myers were just talking about like how nobody watches C-SPAN, and he was just like, President Obama,

you've told us that bin Laden is hiding in the Hindu Kush, but what if I told you from three to four he hosts a show on C-SPAN? It's just like every day. That's so funny. It's very funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that is, yeah, I don't know, man.

I think my favorite thing is how they found like cars in his, if they found the movie cars like in his bunker. Wow. Like the movie? That's hilarious. Yeah, he loved like American cinema. Well, I think they found a lot of porn too. Yeah, I am. Hey, we're not so different after all.

Yeah, dude, stop highlighting the differences. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Love porn. Love chicks. Yeah. Yeah. Love Arab chicks. Yeah. Loved hairy Arab chicks. I love planes. Big fan of planes. I like planes. I like cars. Yeah.

Dude, that's got to be... You know what? I don't know. Do you think part of him was like, I wish I was... Like, I don't want to die, but he's like, I wish I was behind the wheel that day.

Because, you know, he's like... Because he didn't do... Like, he planned 9-11. Yeah, sure. There's got to be part of him. He's like, I wish I really could have felt that fucking... Maybe. I mean, he's...

I think he's like an entitled... Because he came from a billionaire father. So I don't think he wanted to die. I think he's like, oh, let me just use pawns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's always to me, and maybe it's the same reason why... Like, you ever watch, like, a cult documentary, and everybody that's in the cult is just, like,

you think it can't happen to you, but it can't. I'm like, no, because I'm not retarded. Yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry, but, like, there is no way. I really, yeah, it's like, I don't have a lot of sympathy. Although I will say stand up is kind of a cold of you think you're going to make it. Sure.

You spend all of your time doing it. You eat shit constantly. You lose loved ones. Yeah. Yeah. You blow up. bookers. You lose loved ones

because you're blowing but people don't know that so me and my ex broke up I was blowing a comedy club owner like it's for my career babe and she's like He was trying to host for Godson Yeah just I'm just trying to get on stage

But I think honestly If you were to If you were to tell somebody What it takes to truly be A semi-successful stand-up comic It would sound less crazy Than you pitching a cult to someone Because it is you lose loved ones

you kind of have a bad life and there's literally no guarantee that hard work will pay off and all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's different because there's not like, well, I guess certain people are, because I'm like the cult thing that is people are benefiting from us. I don't know who's benefiting from besides I guess

maybe like a shady club owner here and there. Like it's not like the same thing in that. Like a cult leader's... But we benefit from stand-up. Oh, you're saying a leader. Yeah. Right. So it's not a cult.

Yeah, true, true. Normally cult's not like we're all getting to Normally there's like one guy Or like a group, yeah I think the cult leader is the head of a Bringer show. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, I wouldn't want to fuck any of those people. Yeah, yeah, that was my favorite. There's this guy,

should I just, now, I'm not going to say his name, but this guy he, I didn't know if I did know my kid Broadway when I first moved here. And he's like, oh my gosh, he's like, you're very funny, you should do this bringer show. So if people don't know, there's shows where you can bring people to get on stage. My first moved to New York, I was getting no shows. I was like, yeah, I'll do this. And I got off stage and he goes, you were incredible. He's like, you're going to be a star one day.

You should do the show again. I was like, fuck yeah, dude. And I see him go to the next person and goes, you're incredible. You're going to be a star one day. And I was like, God, God, God. Because I had such a rush, I was like, I was meant to do this. I heard of say that. I was like, oh, God.

Dude, I had the same thing where I was just, I told my then-girlfriend, now wife. I was like, dude, like a comedy club booker in New York thinks I'm really good. Yeah, yeah. He just wants me to keep bringing people out constantly. Yeah. Yeah, it's not good. Yeah, I just have to give him. $30, lick his anus.

Yeah. Anus, dude, I was taint. He moved on to the taint for me. Some people, I don't know, he must have lost his edge. Yeah, I know. It's fun. Taints are getting smaller. That's what Rogan keeps saying. That's what I heard. Yeah. I guess it has to do with micro-lastic.

Oh, I'm going to go ahead and say this. Elon Musk is sucks. I just, him, I was just, I was just, I, he was on fucking Rogan the other day. And he's like, I want to live in America where comedy is legal. I think, you know, you want to live one where. Why is he, it's two Caitlin Jenner. Elon is more like this. She's like, I would like to live in a country where comedy is legal. I think the first one was more.

I want to live in America where comedy is legal. So he's like, what I'm going to do is, we're going to do an AI joke. When he's see how funny this AI joke is, he's like, we'll do an AI joke about transgender athletes. And I'm like, I would rather stick a gun on that than hear an AI joke about it. It was like the worst joke I ever. He's like, aren't computers funny and cool and isn't? People for, like, he's a nerd. Yeah.

That's just what that guy is. He's the most. successful nerd of all time. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's, what, there are so much of what he does that is incredibly impressive. Like, making a rocket that can come back down. Like, that's fucking bananas.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then he tries to party. Yeah, and I'm just like, you're, fuck it. He's running around, like, Steve Balmer at, like, a fucking Microsoft thing. Like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not a fan of him. Just, just in, in personality-wise. I'm a fan of the fact that he lets tits be on Twitter.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That I'm a huge fan of. That is very cool. It is funny too because I am also like In my mind I'm like I've talked to shit about so many people and like If my life goes well I will Meet all these people like if this career goes well I'm gonna be like Which that's but that's also a part of it do a lot of comics chat on Dr. Phil and Dr. Drew Yeah there's every comic had like a bit about like Dr. Drew is like full of shit and then now he's like

Hosting podcast with all those guys really? Yeah I think it's just a part of life as you talk shit about people just because we're trying to fill air time I mean Yeah well And also, like, people would be like, ugh, I would never talk to or be in this. I'm like, dude, you fucking tell me right now if, like, the richest person in the world was like, Elon comes on here. I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, are you a special kind of human being?

Because the ones that I've met kind of behave a certain way. Like, it's crazy. Totally, I am. It's the same people that say that like, oh, well, if I was a billionaire, I would blah. I'm like, shut the fuck up. No, you would not. You are, you would, you're an asshole now. Yeah.

Like, do you imagine you with even a million dollars? Like, you're going to be a piece of shit. That is the one thing that is really funny about the election. Because, like, the last three years I've been like, everybody's really mentally sane. And then the election happened and it's just like, boom, like Facebook. I was like, holy shit. I was like, I forgot how crazy everybody is. And it's funny, I'm like fucking, like, banging guys, girlfriends with them.

And I'm like, how crazy other people are for having political opinions. I'm like, these psychopaths. Yeah. Stay off the forums, folks. These nutcases over here. It's ridiculous. I haven't brushed my teeth today. No, I think I did.

I think I did. I think. I don't care. I don't know. And I hate when people are like, well, you, then you're part, shut up. Like, I don't let me, there should be some room for apathy or room for be able to be like,

well, I see this and this. The more, I don't know. Well, you just got to learn how to win the argument with craftiness that doesn't make any sense. Like, not real points. Just being like, people like, well, you should vote for the lesser of two evils. I go, how about I don't vote for

evil at all? Oh, yeah. I don't vote for evil. Yeah, that's not bad. That's great. It's like, I don't vote for anybody who I think would bomb somebody. My favorite was when people would be like, you got to go out and vote, and then I'll be like, well, what if I voted for this person? Like, well, don't do that. Yes. Yeah. I'm like, all right, so then you're full of shit.

Like, tell me, if you want to stump for somebody, that's fine, do that. But don't just be like, I just go out and vote. It's right. I think it's great that people are politically active. Like, I do think it's great. should do research and you should go vote. Sure. But I'm not going to.

Like, you do it. Like, that's a good thing to do. But, like, I think, but like anything else, please don't make it the only thing that you can talk about or make it your entire personality. Yeah. Like, anything that anybody does like that, I am so annoyed with.

And honestly, the people that are, like, the most vocally political are, one, the most annoying people I've ever met in my life. And two, their personal lives are in absolute shunuch. shambles. They have nothing going on. It is really fun to get involved, though, because you're just like, like, I remember, like, when I was in college,

I was gonna fuck ton of Adderall. And I was like, I hated Donald Trump. I mean, I still don't like him, obviously. But I was just like, yeah, I was on so much Adderall, and I was just like, dude, he's gonna do all this stuff. And it just distracts you from all the problems your regular life.

It feels great to do. 100%. I got deep into Epstein just because, uh, it was something else to, yeah. You're like, these fucking pieces of shit.

Yeah. Fucking kids. And I'm like, well, I doesn't. I could also, like, I don't know, I could like also like, fund money to, like, some organization that, like, stops pedophiles instead of, like, oh, right. 100%.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and, like, now, like, I have a wife and a child. Yeah. And it's just like, dude, I've got other shit going on. Yeah. Like, I can't, I don't have time for this.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll have opinions and I'll research the necessary. But, like, I'm not going to get into a nine-hour Facebook argument about trans rights. Like, I'm just not going to do that. I just trust whoever's president. I always trust them. They always make good choices.

Right. I'm happy for everybody. But no, honestly, I do, I do, like, love everybody. Like, it is funny, too, because, like, this is all the vice. I love people, yeah. I love everybody. It's very funny, too, like, because, like, obviously people frustrate me with, like, the anger and the negativity online. It's so funny to say that after just being, like, you know is a fucking bitch.

Elon Musk. I'm just a giant. Yeah. But it's, like, those things too are, like, no, I do love everybody. Like, I'm like, it's the people that, like, it's the people that, like, I even saw some people post they're like, if you fucking like, if you fucking didn't vote

your piece of shit, and I'm like, that's me, but I'm like, I know you're just going through a tough time and like, you know, yeah,

I had no idea anything was at stake. I thought it was just who do we like, who's more fun? And I was like, I totally thought that's. Well, honestly,

if you, if you, the question was who's more fun, that's an obvious answer. Yeah, we know. We know, we know, that's a no brain.

Yeah, I think he won. We know his name. Oh, shit, we're way over an hour. guys, this has been a fucking blast. Yeah. Instagrams or anything else you want to promote?

Matt Bowman Comedy. And then if you live in Maryland, I'm doing a show at Hopkins Farm Brewery this Friday with Jake Timothy and Anthony DeVito. So come on out. Perfect. Oh, Anthony DeVito is great. Jake Timothy's great.

Yeah, they're both fucking awesome. Yeah, okay, awesome. And handy vandy, I'm in the village a lot. Yeah. There we go. That was awesome the way you said that.