Morning Good - That's Offensive and Impossible - Episode 47

Episode Date: October 17, 2021

Thanks to Espi and Artan for leaving their homes and joining us for this episode. Check them out at their links to see more because they both have plenty of shows coming up in NYC.Espi is on Instagram @espionage921 and hosts Monday Night Comedy with frequent guest and friend of the show Ryan O'Toole. Artan is on Instagram as well at @artan_x. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. Very good.

I love that. Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right. And there we are. We're recording. We're here with ArdenX. We're live.

This is the first time I've done the podcast with a video recording. Oh, it's going to be nuts. we're going to get some crazy footage. There might be some explosions. It's going to be very exciting. Hey, I'm the Muslim one over here. Stop stealing my culture. Then we got SB Rivadenaara.

Yep. Did I nail it? Yeah, you nailed it. Oh my gosh. That's the first time that's ever happened. We're basically talking about how, like, dude, Facebook being down has been like the most confusing thing in today because I thought you, I think, you thought it was banned. I thought I was saying something.

No, it was Instagram. Yeah, I thought I was banned too. I was freaking out. I was like, what did I do wrong? Yeah. I'm not that. narcissistic. I knew it was. This must be a... Zuckerberg fucked this

up. Not me. But it was Instagram. That's more like... Wait, is your Facebook down? Yeah, my Facebook and Instagram. Yeah. Oh, I think it's... I didn't even look at Facebook today. Yeah. Yeah. Facebook's down. So they're both down. Yeah. And they're like hardcore. Like I... I mean, I guess it can only be down in one way. There's not like hardcore down, I guess. It's just either not working.

That's what the fucking CEO says. Yeah, it's hardcore down, bro. fuck. But I was like I was on Twitter and I was like Twitter's working fine. Yeah. And but yeah, no,

I went to a, what's it called? Like, I was going to Best Buy and I was talking, I was just talking to some random guy. I'm like, hey, why isn't this working? He's like, you probably have internet connection problems.

Then I came back here, downloaded a bunch of stuff and still wasn't working. But like so much of my day revolved was around Facebook and Instagram. Yeah, I mean, it's all comic. Like I had to reach out to like five people and I'm like, I have no idea if I'm doing shows tonight because I don't know what's going on.

Yeah. It goes to show you how bad. the services that best buy. Yeah. That's what I took out of it. Yeah. Facebook's fine. That guy sucks. You should go back and be like, you don't know what's going on. Yeah. Yeah, I mess it. I was like, I always like to message everybody

day of like, this is what's going on with the show and whatever. Now I'm like bugging out. I'm like, does everybody know what to do? And like, yeah. I'm pretty sure everyone knows. That's like the only show they're doing this week. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's tough. Well, I think the thing too is like, that would be, if I was a boss right now, though,

I would see who knew Facebook was down. I'll be like, all right, you're obviously playing on your phones, so you're fired now. If I was a boss right now, I wouldn't be here. Yeah, that's true. You would be doing some of these podcasts? Yeah. I'd be at work. I have a lot of money. How pissed would you be?

If your boss was like, yeah, I got to do my buddy's podcast. I just, you do all the work for like 10 hours. Oh, yeah. I'm a boss at Instagram, but I'm still trying to be a comedian. Well, you'd be able to make your own hours, right? We clearly have no idea what boss is. Yeah. It's like, the boss is. don't have jobs, right?

They're just bosses. Your job is bossing people. Just telling people what seems like the right thing to do. Well, I know like somebody like, I have a friend who's working for a company and the boss literally just like would not come in Friday's through Saturdays but make everybody else come in. And they're just like, yeah, no, it's really important that I work from home. But then like there's just no reason for that. People are just dicks about it. What was your job interview today?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I had a job interview with a talent agency in the mail room. But I was like... The mail room? To be a talent agent? Or just work a know. I'm on the other side.

It was so funny because like the temp agent's like, yeah, I know it's this talent agency. And I was like, that's a giant conflict of interest. Because if I want to get represented in the future, I can't be like working in the mail room and be represented as a line. Just send everything to yourself. Yeah. So it's like I literally had to say like at the job interview. I was like, yeah, no, I wanted to be in creative stuff. But now like, fuck that.

You know, I want to be an agent. Because that's so basically. Or I could make my way up and become an agent and just represent myself. Yeah. This guy's fucking sick. Just make a whole alter ego that I'm representing. That'd be cool. I think some people do that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Self represent. I mean, part of me was like, oh, I could just, like, get to know everybody there and really try to, like, get my foot in the door. But, like, I heard immediately once they find out you're doing creative stuff. Yeah. It's a... Yeah. I mean, it makes sense.

Because if you're, like, you're, like, that I think I'm going to get management soon. I'm like, no, I'm probably going to be way ahead of this. Stardom is on the way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, people represent comedians. You know that? Yeah.

What do you think Kevin Hart does? He just fucking does comic, you know? He just does open mics and wait for people to be like, hey, you want to do my show? You want to do my show at MSG? I've always said, I've wanted this as like a prank, but it's kind of too mean. Go to like guitar center and pretend to be like a creative manager and just like stop people that are on the instruments and be like, you have talent. Oh my gosh.

I feel like you'd get murdered. Oh, yeah. People would be pissed. The only thing that would be funny is if like you'd have to do somebody who's clearly just screwing around on the instruments. Like some guy who's just like playing the electric triangle, like goofing around and be like, this is the sound we're looking for.

Is there really an electric triangle? I saw it on SpongeBob. I'm just assuming it's real. Yeah. Did you hear that conversation I had yesterday about SpongeBob? I love SpongeBob. Me too. It's fucking such a good show.

Yeah. I rewatched it a little bit. I fucking got like a whatever. I rewatched it during the pandemic. It's fucking hilarious. Oh, it's so funny. I was trying to explain it to Brandon Truso. He's like, is it funny?

And I'm like, dude, it's hilarious. I'm like, he's a sponge. But he's a sponge. But he. goes to work and he's an adult. It's just so funny explaining it that way. I was like, but he wears a tie. But he's a fry cook. Why would you wear a tie?

It's like beyond that. Like the jokes are funny because I was rewatching it with Ryan like a month ago and we're like, this is hilarious. It's just like they're joking. Their jokes are great for kids, but then it's like as an adult. I'm like, oh, I didn't even know like this was what they were joking about.

Yeah, yeah. And it's just, it's so funny how like just serious, like I love just they make things so serious for such like a dumb thing. Like him having his boaters Ted. Like it's so, I don't know why it's so funny

because he's a sput. It's so like childish, but I think it's just like the funniest thing on the planet. I like how that's always the joke for you. It's like he's a fucking sponge. Everything else is so funny.

We're like, Michael, do you not see this? He's like, but he's a sponge. Driving around. What's that? My favorite episode was when they have to paint

Mr. Crabbs. Oh, the wet paint. Yeah, but they can't take down any of the portraits or any of the frames so they have to go around it.

And he's a sponge. It's funny. Ridiculous. A sponge painting. Mr. Krabbs threatens to take their butts and hang him on the wall. They get a dot of pain on anything. It's just, I remember the movie being so funny, too.

Yeah, I went to the theaters to watch the movie. Yeah, I saw it in theaters. Now I was like, damn, that movie's going to change lives. Like, I remember seeing it. I loved it. With a funny thing you were talking about earlier, too, off Sponch, we'll get back to SpongeBob. Please.

We were talking about. that's all I know Spinchbub Fuck, what are we going to talk about? I have a hard and just fogging out. He's sweating. Sweating with this

fucking light. What was it? Oh yeah, we were talking about like if Instagram was down, how many, like permanently, if they just stopped it, how many people's lives would just be destroyed?

Like if you were an influencer, he would say it'd be so funny because they would just be like hot homeless people. There'd be so many people that would, like, implants that are just asking for money on the subway. Because that literally, like... That's crazy. Yeah.

And one day, they could just destroy. Like, that could happen. Facebook could you be... I doubt anybody's going to buy it. But it'd be like a foreign entity. Could that happen? Oh, if someone bought it to shut it down? Yeah.

Could Putin do that? Putin, I don't know. Don't give him ideas. Yeah. Fuck, he listens. Dude, that like literally... That would be insane. It would be...

Because the amount of people that make fun... make funny, make money off Instagram or Facebook. It's crazy. It threw me off and I'm like I don't even have as many I'm not like making money off Instagram. I just promote my stuff. So I was like, I was like, oh no. How do people make money besides ads though?

Some people just make money for getting likes. Is that true? So I know some people. T.J makes money off his TikTok. Oh really? Hell yeah, T.J. Some people, it's like I don't know how much because T.J is poor. Yeah.

Piece of shit. But, he always shits on me because my parents are like, we're not rich, but he just like, there's this like inside joke where he's like,

you're fucking rich, piece of shit. But I also, I don't know, like I think my parents have some money, but it's not like, that doesn't mean

that's my money now. You know what I mean? Everybody's like, it's like you grow up, you live in a mansion. It's like, I think my parents have money. I have no idea.

My Butler tells us they're rich, but I don't know. Yeah, I've never seen it. I feel like my parents. are the same way where it's like they have because I remember some of my friends came over to our house and they're like oh this is like a big

house but I'm like they don't ever send me money or anything and then like when I like started doing stand up they were like good luck like I never get because I've heard some comics be like oh my parents like if I needed to they would help me out I'm like my uncle like called me when I moved here he was like they would let you die on the street

and be like an example to the other kids and I was like I know because your parents and my parents are so similar They're so strict. They're like immigrant parents. So it's like they won't ever, like they never gave me anything. Yeah. My parents are like beach Florida people.

So they'd be like, yeah, you need some. They're not like, they wouldn't just be like, here's a bunch of money. But like if I was like totally like in this shit, they would help me out. My parents wouldn't. I think if I was in the shit. I've just never been in the shit. So I have no idea. Yeah.

Yeah. It's just I've never ruined. I haven't ruined my life yet. Yeah. But we'll see what happens when it happens. Yeah. That's where I'm going. Yeah. I always thought about, like, I remember when I was a kid, I've probably taught of this already.

But you know, those things that pop up that are like, you can win a million dollars if you just signed up for that. I thought when I was a kid, I thought that was so legit. And then my mom's like, that doesn't work. That's a scam. I'm just like, you dumb bitch. I was just like, I'm going to buy this house. I'm going to own everything. I'm not going to give you a scent of it. Yeah. You know what I love? I love those Instagrams of like someone who I just won the lottery. Oh, yeah. Yeah. If you shared us, I'll give you a thousand dollars. And then like a bunch of idiots share. Have you guys ever shared?

No, no, I never shared it. Michael's like, yeah. Yeah, every day. They're just stupid idiot. We do that. I think they just change it. They just sell the profile. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Well, I get the crazy ones. I did, uh, what's the call when I was a kid? I did do the chain mails where it's like, you're going to get murdered by some girl that got killed. Because when I was a kid, I was like, fuck, why'd you send me this? I was showing me. I was like, don't put this shit on me. I only know eight people. And you're one of them.

I have a firefly. I could text it to my mom or my dad. that's it. I'm surprised no one's ever done a movie of that. Well, they have,

that's basically the ring. Yeah, but like that stupid, the stupid fucking email one. Like the ring is like you watch a movie. Yeah, but you do have to,

it's the same concept because you have to send it to... You got to put it off on other people, yeah. Yeah, yeah, or else you send it to eight people and then... Wait, so if I watch

the fucking ring movie and I show it to you, I don't die. You just show it to eight, I think. It was so many people. You had to, like, show it to your friends.

I don't remember that. You should just hand off the ring and be like, somebody at your office, you're like, I'm sorry, I have to do this. Yeah, I don't remember that. I'm dying in four days. Yeah, yeah. I just watched the tape. Yeah. Well, that's the thing is they show the tape in the movie and it's impossible not to watch the tape in the movie.

So in your mind, like, I was watching it. I was like, fuck. I was a cool part of that movie. Yeah. I was like, oh my God. It's like, oh, my God. It's like, fuck. No, it's me.

Terrible. That's such, dude, I was so freaked out because I was like, fuck, I watched the tape. Now I'm going to die in seven days. But it was also like, I get weird in my head like that. I'm like, I don't think somebody's going to murder me. I think I always get weird about ghost stuff because I'm like, they'll kill me. And then they're going to stage it as an accident though. I picture them killing me.

And then they put like embarrassingly. Let's make it look like he hung himself jerking off. It's like you're dead. No, please. Just make it look like I shot myself. The ghost is like, no, this. I can't make it look like I did this yet. It's like a college prankster ghost.

Like how dumb you look. Is he going to put it on gay porn on the TV Just so his parents get mad Do you guys believe in ghosts? I'm weird about ghosts Like I'm like I, it's the only thing I don't believe in

But I'm still scared of Because I'm like on paper I'm like ghosts aren't real Ghosts aren't real But then in the middle of the night I'm like Yeah, I don't believe in like Fortune tellers or whatever to fuck those people

Psychics I don't believe them I don't think they're real at all Yeah I don't want to do it will you go to one? I've been to one. But I like that you say,

I don't think they're real. Like, they just walk up to them. You want your fortune to be like, nice try. There's no one in those thoughts. Oh, wait.

So what did yours say when you went? They were full of shit. So I went in with my sister for like one of her birthdays. And it was so funny because like I come in like, who was the gift for? It's like, for your birthday,

I'm going to get my fortune. It was that. Yeah, it was for her birthday. And I walked it there and I was like, it's so funny because I remember like, like, I go in there and they had this, like, you know, like semi-blind gypsy lady.

I mean, I think that's correct. I don't know what the term is, but like, gypsy is that term? Like, they're Italian, right? I think gypsy is offensive, but there's no gypsies in America. I don't know what other words you would use, though, because that's what they are. Yeah, they're like a gypsy fortune teller. Yeah, yeah. And that woman, they're like, sorry, she can't work today.

I'm like, well, that's the only person I want my fortune. Yeah, of course. Yeah, let's fucking do it. I think she literally was blinded one out. Maybe I'm just imagining it. But, like, sorry, she's not working. So then I was like 20 And they had like some 19 year old girl read my fortune

I'm like no No it was like her daughter Yeah exactly and I'm like No this doesn't even And then I go in there And she's like I got a feeling that you Smoke marijuana And I'm like I come in like yo what's up dude

And she's like And I'm like yes I smoke pot And then she's like oh okay And I feel like you're drinking Maybe a little too much And I'm like everybody Yeah anybody that drinks At that age too

Yeah exactly And anybody who drinks all, you could easily say you're drinking too much. You can say you're eating too much garbage. Everything they say you could easily. And everything was like a question too. She'd be like, right? Like everything and up here. She's just like sort of feeling things out. She was a open micer, dude. Yeah. She was trying her best. Just help her out. I'd hold it here, by the way, not here. Right. Damn. I'm scared of those things. Yeah, yeah. I'll never go to one. I won't go to one.

Well, it went so much further too. She's like, there's a dark-haired woman that's going to cause you lots of trouble in the future or something like that. And I don't know who. That could be anyone though too. Yeah, of course. There's so many like dark haired woman. Oh yeah, a thousand percent.

And I was, yeah, trying to piece who it was. And then she's like, have you gotten your chakras balanced? I really recommend that. And I remember looking in the waiting room before that, it's like $200 to get your chakers balanced. Oh, yeah. That's some BS.

Oh, yeah. And like, how do you even prove that? She's just like, balanced. There you go. But my mom, my mom had one that was crazy specific. They like, the Ford's a dollar was like, I see like a golden piece. You're like, your son drinks and smokes weed?

They told her that, too, which is so funny. She's like, your son is into the, your son's into the wacky tobacco. They told my mom. She's like, I think it's crazy. They knew that. I'm like, no, you're like a suburban woman. Like, there's no way you don't have,

you know what I mean? She's like, if they find out you have a teenage son, like teenagers smoke pot. You know what I mean? It's like impossible. And I didn't even smoke that much pot at the time. But she had a crazy one that told her like, there's a golden piano in your future.

And then she went on a date like two nights around. And the dude had a golden piano in his house. Like, that's weird. What now that's crazy. Yeah. Unless it was like friends. That's fucking weird. Yeah.

I wonder if like some of them are legit. Because I do, I don't know if I believe in. I don't not believe in ghosts. And then my parents are like, they are always like, we're not superstitious. But my mom would be like, you can't ever. Yeah. But she was like, don't ever do the, um, what is that the Ouija board or whatever. She was like, don't do it.

Because you're, like, I guess one of my grandmothers was like a tarant reader or whatever. Oh shit. Something weird happened. one time. She was like, I don't believe in it, but just don't mess with this. And I was like, alright. Yeah.

I didn't want, I'm explaining it real quick. I've already talked about briefly a bit. We have this, all right, I keep recapping this in like 30 seconds. So we have like a family house that was a lake house that was rented out to this gang from Chicago and they got murdered by the CIA.

And it's... Like, look, it's rich. We think. Well, it was just like a beach, like a family vacation house. Wait, did your family rented out a beach house The 1930s. They didn't know.

And basically the gang went under a fake name and rented the beach house for a weekend and they all got shot. It's called the Ma Barker gang. But we've done a Ouija board there. And it was somebody because we were hammered. And my buddy was like, fuck with me ghost.

He's like, suck my dick, Maher. And I punched him. I'm like, don't disturb the spirits. But we did a Ouija board and nothing happened. And then when we were like, it was bullshit. But also like, if I was a ghost and I saw a bunch of drunk people,

I don't want to fucking these kids are annoying as shit. because I don't think it was like a poultry guy. Like I don't know how it works. I don't know if it's just like a, like a trail that's left behind or if they're like conscious and they're like doing stuff.

But we did, there was a seance there that like literally they had like a woman like they blindfolded a woman brought her from Casadega, Florida, didn't tell her any information and then she like described the whole story. She's like,

oh yeah, somebody was shot here. It was like a mom and two kids and all this stuff. So that's pretty interesting. But like also like I don't know. I would do tons of background. Like I feel like if I was that woman, I could easily just be like, all right, I'm going to Ocala.

Like, I would find out where I'm going. You know what I mean? You're like, oh, this is my client. I can easily, like, do two seconds of research and find out. That's true, too. Yeah, it's on some, in a library somewhere. Yeah, yeah. And there's like, fucking signs everywhere.

It's like, Ma Barker Ghost House here. She just read the signs. Yeah, she's like, yeah. So, but I still get weird out. Like, I don't know. The worst is like the, I've seen ghosts as like a kid, but I don't know if I I believe that. Like, I've seen, like, actual, like, ghosts.

But I'm like, I don't know if that was just, You've seen ghosts and don't believe them? Yeah, yeah. I don't, I know. What'd you see? The first time I saw when I was a kid was like this woman in my room. It was weird because I saw her in much of my dreams afterwards. Dark-haired woman.

Yeah, that wasn't that one. But she did like a shh, which is creepy as shit. And I'm her wake up like screaming. Where were you in? In bed. In your room, your house? Yeah, yeah. And there's no way like it could have been another person who just came in.

Maybe it was just like a. grown woman that snuck into my house did like a sh. Was she blonde? Yeah, why? Oh, no, because you said she wasn't dark-haired. Oh, yeah, yeah. How old was she?

Was she old, scary looking? Was she hot? Was she hot? Difficult guy question. Did she have ghost cans? Ghost tits float and go like, ooh. Was she like...

They never sagged because they're just floating constantly. What was she wearing? I think she's dressed like a doctor. And then I remember I had a dream about the woman. But then also, I remember looking back, there was a doctor. Like somebody at the desk of a doctor is that looks similar to the woman. The weirdest to me is, do you ever have this where you see somebody and then you see them in multiple areas of your life? Like a woman you saw at like the front desk of a place.

And then later on, you'll see her like at a completely different office. I'll have that. And that'll scare this. What if it was your doctor? and it was like you were crazy as a child like tied up to your bed fucking nuts and then you see this doctor and they fixed you

oh maybe yeah I think ghosts might be real but that's weird there was some comic has a joke about it it's like almost like God's using like extras and like they're recycling some of them because I will see some of the same people and like it freaks me out

especially in the city because you see like dude you see thousands of faces in one day and then sometimes you see the same face and you're like that's fucking weird I think they could be real I don't know and then the other time in that haunted house, our lake house, I've shined a flashlight,

and we saw pinstriped legs, and then we walked over, and there was nobody there. And then when I was a kid, one time, we were at my cousin's house, and I saw this dark shadow, and I thought it was my dad,

like a silhouette, and I yelled at it, and the thing, like walked right over me, and, like, just disappeared. So maybe I see, I mean, I see ghosts every day. I don't believe it.

Yeah, but I think, too, like, I know it sounds weird, because I'm like, I'm not really sure, because I haven't really seen anything, but I know kids are more, like, because I think as you grow up and you're an adult, you start to put walls up and you're like,

I'm supposed to act this way or like put your feelings down. I think kids are more like intuitive. Well, they just like see, you know what I mean? So sometimes I think that kids actually do see that stuff more. That's possible. Like you can't really.

It's very pedophileish of ghosts though. They're like, we're only going to come out and kids can see us. No, I think, yeah, but I think like adults are more like preoccupies. Like we have bills to pay.

We have like things to deal. with, but kids are, like, free to, you know. Yeah, but I also think kids, like, are so, like, I don't know, I think your imagination is so strong that you can see things that aren't real. You know what I mean? Like, that's possible, too. But I also think, I think it's probably sleep paralysis because that's that everybody describes sleep paralysis as.

I'm like, okay, I probably. I don't have it now, but I, that sounds like what sleep paralysis. And it's also possible that both of those things were dreams and then I woke up from them. Like, maybe, you know what I mean? Like, I don't remember them very clearly. Sometimes I'll be in bed and think I have sleep paralysis and then I'll move my hand. Oh, yeah, yeah. And you're like, no, there's actually just a grown man in my apartment.

Isn't that with sleep paralysis? That's when you can't move? You can't move and usually you feel like there's something maybe even on top of you or like a demon or something in the room. There's just a guy with his gun to Arden's head. He's like, okay, sleep paralysis. I'll be like, oh my God, I'm having sleep paralysis. And then I'll be like, fucking just move, you idiot. Stop being more. Okay, take my TV. I know this isn't real. You just go and your shit's all robbed. You're like, fuck me. That would be funny as a robberge.

I'm the sleep paralysis guy. This is not fake. Go back to sleep. You know, and you're like, oh, that cool, yeah. But, yeah, that stuff is scary. I'm glad I never have to, like, really deal with sleep paralysis because it does sound terrible. Or ghost. Yeah, yeah.

I don't really deal with it now. Yeah, I haven't dealt with ghosts. Charlie Dawson says he has ghosts. He was talking about one of the last episodes. He says in his, like, apartment building, there's just, like, constantly ghosts. But he just, he hasn't described them as ghost to me. He'll say, like, there's people in the middle of the night that are just in his building. And Charlie, those are people that live in the building.

That's what I was telling him. That's what I was telling him. I did they're just like people. And he's like, but they don't respond to me. But it's 3 a.m. They'd be sleeping. That's what he says. But I'm like, people walk around.

Yeah, yeah. It's New York in the city. People stay up till. I got home in like three lines. We should all stay over Charlie Dawson's house. He's like, they're like, hello. And they don't say anything. Well, yeah.

But I wouldn't be saying. Maybe they think the same thing about him. They think Charlie's like a ghost of like a kid. And they're like, no, no, I'm just going to avoid that guy. but I I believe in aliens very strongly ghosts not so much

but as I said like I don't know like I just haven't seen any as an adult and I also think like your imagination is kind of like wild as a kid and like I could have just seen

anything the craziest is my brother had this thing this guy named Brother Black who he he nothing wrong with him there's nothing wrong with that

he was like an imaginary friend like my brother I don't know what I say his name but people describe him as like a silhouette and apparently my mom literally had him like she's like he was like oh hey mom I'm gonna go introduce you to that family they're right down the street they're all like silhouette people basically

and then she said they were on the doorstep she like went like two streets over and started knocking on the house and she was just like let's get she never figured out what it was but it was like an imaginary friend you could see them she could see them no no but my brother could see them and the way he described it was just like silhouette people and then my brother's like like he would see him all the time be like oh it's just hanging out an imaginary friend in the backyard and my mom would see like nobody there I think and then they would go to meet.

And then like she bribed it. Like imagine your kid's like, oh, I was just playing my imagine your friend in my room. And then he's like, actually my friend lives down the street. And then you walk the front door and you're knocking on it.

And she's like, let's, like, never like saw it through. And she's like, I'm just going to leave. Yeah. That nurse that shush do was your brother's nurse.

Maybe. So you think I was a mentally insane person? No, now it's your brother. Oh, no, yeah, yeah. For having, I don't even have a brother. We're not even have a brother. We're like, all right, Michael. We got to go.

But, yeah. I never had imaginary friends as a kid, I don't think. Did you actually see it? No. He would describe it as he saw it, which is crazy to me. But I also think maybe my brother can just see ghosts. Because he'll talk about, like, my last house. He's like, yeah, there's like a ghost woman that lives in this house.

I never saw them. I know. I don't know. I don't think people are crazy when they say stuff like that, too. Because I'm like, it's possible. Because I'm like, I also think, too, in terms of like science. I'm like, none of us really know. because it's like we're one person

like our like my perspective so different from your two perspectives too right and so then it's like and then like a bug's perspective is so different from ours like a like a tree is a living thing too that like takes in life so differently so I'm like there's so much we're not perceiving 100% more than we can't even see certain colors yeah so that's interesting to think about that like there will be things

like that that's a great point because I think that like also like there's all those like weird dimension theories and like we could be living we could have overlap in our dimensions, but there could be like, what if there's like 40 people that I just don't see in New York City, but you can see them because you're in like a different, you're overlapping my dimension, but there's also.

Man, I'm in your dimension right now. Those are called buildings. What is his name? There's that guy's podcast. You made it weird. No, no. What is you made it weird podcast? Who's that? That's, um... Is that a comedian? I know who you're tired.

Yeah, I can't remember his damn name. Like one day we know. No. Yeah, a famous one. But he was talking to, oh my God, I can't remember anyone's name. He's the guy that does a lot of the art, Dmitry Martin, right? Yeah, yeah. So, Dmitri was saying, like, because at the end of the podcast, he always asks.

He's like, oh, do you believe in God? And he was like, not really, but he, like, compared it to this book he read. Is Jeremiah Watkins? No. No, he's, like, wandering or Jeremiah, one. Okay, yeah, man. He was saying, the book he read was, like, it's about, it was, like, two-dimensional objects and three-dimensional objects, and it was, like, these, like,

two-dimensional shapes, like, believed. They thought of, like, the 3D shape. There was, like, a sphere, and they were like, oh, this is God, because they just couldn't comprehend the 3D shapes. It's, like, a different shape. Like, they can't, they don't, they're not in that dimension. That makes sense. So it's, like, I feel like things to, like,

existential crisis or, like, death. It's, like, that's scary. But I'm like, we also just can't comprehend it, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I don't know. That kind of comforts me sometimes where I'm like, I just, I'm like one small thing. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, the idea of it shutting off completely scares the shit on me. But I really believe, I'm crazy when it comes to this. I'm like very deep into alien conspiracy theories. I think we are an experiment. I've said this at Dallas times the podcast. Not just aliens, but alien conspiracy theories. Oh yeah, like they're like, yeah, I believe the starship is actually an inside job. Like there's all these like weird thing.

Like within it, I think that like, yeah. No, what is it? I think that the aliens, I genuinely believe this day breeded, not bread, but like, injected their DNA into like our ancestors and that created. Not like humans, but into like, what do you call them? Like, whatever's before humans on the evolutionary chain? Monkeys? No, no, monkeys split off.

No, but there's one after. I know what you're talking about. Cavemen? Neanderthals? Some sort of thing. And then it made humans. Because like there's a giant. It's called the missing evolutionary link where it's like it jumps from like these weird furry creatures to like human.

And it's like a very fast jump. So you think like aliens did that? Possibly. I mean, that's like, that's what it wouldn't comes to like the deep. They came down and saw like cavemen and look at these idiots. Yeah. Let's fuck them. Let's make them smart. Let's make them smart. Yeah. I mean, I have no, and I have no idea. But also people are like, that's crazy. I'm like, yeah, but also the idea of some dude, like throw lightning bolts is pretty, you know what I mean? I'm like, I don't think that there's like a giant. Like I do think it is crazy. And if somebody's like, that's not at all what it is. Like if I meet God, he's like, you were way off. I was like, all right. The only thing you got right about me was that I throw lightning bolts. Everything else is wrong. Yeah. But I don't. I throw lightning bolts. I think it's crazy when people don't believe in aliens at all.

Because I'm like, an alien could technically just be like a microorganism that's out in space. Yeah, but I wouldn't even count that as an alien. That counts. Aliens got to have fucking arms and legs. If it's like bugs, I'm like, that's not a fucking animal. Get out if you're like switching them. That's just a bug.

I am like, I feel like there probably is something. Because like the space is just like infinite, this thing that we don't even understand. I'm like, you're kind of an idiot to not think there aren't any aliens. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, I agree with that. Because it's like,

there are like, well, they found fucking spores on asteroids. So it's like, you're saying there's fungus, but there's nothing. You know what I mean? It's like,

yeah. That'd be such a bummer if they were like ant-sized. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like they found them on fucking Saturn a bunch of fucking little bugs. Oh, yeah.

And oh my God, like they're aliens. But like, there's always that theory I've heard of people say like, what are they're just dumb cave people? Like, we just go to their plan. They're just like, oh, we're like,

oh, we have to deal with this. Now we've got to make houses for them. Yeah, yeah. They're like just charity projects. But it could be like, I mean, then we build pyramids on their planet. That would be cool if we just did the same thing for them. Oh, yeah. But yeah, that's what like the crazy, like, if you go not, I mean, all of it's like just completely crazy speculation.

Like, it's just fun stuff for me. I'm not actually like praying every night to the aliens. Like, thank you for fucking my ancestors to create me. But I think it's like interesting. And like, that is kind of the theory behind. that, which I think is cool. I also like the ultra-terrestrial theory. It's the fact that the UFOs and stuff are coming from inside the earth and like under the ocean.

Because it's like, and maybe it was there thousands of years ago or whatnot. They just come out here and there because like all those UFO sightings that are like what's called like the Navy like confirms, all of them are like round water and stuff like that. That'd be cool. People got to think we did shrooms before. Yeah, I know. Everyone's like, what drugs were they on? it's uh the craziest is like fucking uh the alex jones stuff like listen to he's the funniest guy to let's do on other people's podcast his own podcast is just like you're gonna die like it's too intense but hearing him on other people's podcast is like a little bit more grounded in reality because there's just other voices that like are actual people like and he has just like crazy stuff where he's talking about like people take DMT and then they get in touch with another dimension he's saying those like Mayans like sacrificed kids to the DMT gods and it's always like complicated stuff yeah yeah

Because, like, people probably just ate mushrooms off the ground and stuff. Yeah, and they started, I think that's weird. They didn't know it was going to mess with their heads. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's also the crazy thing is, like, some of those, like, old ancient religions where they just, like, do mushrooms and sacrifice kids. Because that's such a weird, because I do mushrooms and nothing, like, that bad happens.

But you know what I mean? They sacrifice kids on shrooms? Oh, yeah. A lot of, like, ancient traditions. You don't have kids, so you don't know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I feel like. So this guy's, there's no, like, religious basis behind it.

That's crazy. to me because I feel like Shrooms makes me more like loving. Yeah. And I would never want to hurt anything, especially on Shrooms. No, of course. But maybe in their mind, they think for some reason that they're saving thousands of people. So they're like, this is a sacrifice, but

this is the right thing to do. That's crazy to me. It is crazy. It is fucking annoying kid. Yeah. But it is so funny though, because there's always that conversation. People are like, everything's so shitty now. I'm like, I don't know. We used to, like, gladiators and stuff were pretty, it's pretty cruel. Yeah, well, Instagram is down right now.

so it is pretty shitty. That's why we're here. Talking. We could have done this through fucking Instagram. But here we are. No, I know what you. I hate when people are like, oh, everything's terrible. I'm like, the news covers like the worst stuff.

I'm like, we don't have it that bad. And some people were saying, like, I always think too, I'm like, oh, I'm so glad I am like born in America. You know what I mean? Because when I see other countries, I'm like, can't imagine being like, I can't imagine. Or even being a woman in another country. I'm like, that's terrible. I would not. It's like, I'll stay here forever.

Oh, it fucking sucks. Especially like, that was so funny. It was like, there was some post about that. It's like Taliban promises to be respectful to women. And then it goes under Sharia law. I'm like, well, those rules are kind of strict. So it's like, have anything to say about that, Arden? I'm not familiar in Sharia law.

It's very strict, like harsh rules against women. about everything, about their whole lifestyle. You mentioned, like, news. You know how, like, people are, like, everything on the news is bad. And, like, that's a bad thing. But I was listening to, like, NPR on the fucking radio driving the other day. And they were talking about... You classy, motherfucker.

Yeah. Just put it on my phone, make it think that it's going to make me smart. And then they were... So the girl comes in, you're like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I was just listening to this. Oh, I was just listening to this. But it was, like, good news. Like, everything they were talking about was, like, nice.

Like, oh, this. This old lady made the biggest apple pie. Yeah. And it was like so fucking boring. I was like, dude, talk about fucking murder. Mayhem, please. I was just reading, I bought, I want to get better at roasting. So I got like Jeff Ross has this roast book.

Oh, really? Yeah. But like part of it in the beginning he's like explaining roasting and like how it's such a popular event. He's like people always love seeing like chaos. That's why it's like you used to go to the. In Rome, they had the, like, where people would fight and everything. The Coliseum. Yeah, yeah.

So it's like, I think the news is, like, glorified, like. Roasting. It's such, not even roasting, but it's just, like, all this bad stuff. And I feel like it's, like, really not even the news anymore, you know? It's just, like, people just trying to be, like, the most popular station or whatever. Yeah, and it's crazy that people don't realize they're selling advertisements. They're like, why would they lie to us? I'm like, because of every single reason in the way.

world. They would over... Yeah. Why would they... I think I learned it, especially because I'm from Florida. So, like, we have hurricanes a lot of time.

And the news, every single time is, like, it's going to be a disaster. It's going to be a catastrophe. Because they get people to keep watching and they follow the news. And then the more viewers they have, the more they get paid by that or some...

There's some benefit to that. So, like, going from Florida, I was like, all right, I see how this could be over exaggerated. And then this year, obviously the news in some cases got over exaggerated. I'm not saying COVID's not real.

I'm just for everybody. But it's like... Saying it isn't. There is an incentive for them to be like, yo, this new variant is like the most dangerous thing in the world. And so it's like, obviously, I don't know, I'm not going to fucking pander to any audience. But I think the thing is like, yeah,

they constantly like do want to get you to keep watching. So they could say like, you know, everything's dangerous outside, crimes up, this isn't that. The more scared you are to go outside, the more likely are to watch the news, the more viewers they have. Yeah, I'm terrified to go outside already.

Me too. Me and Arden are so similar like that. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. We're like, I've never met someone like on the same page as I am. You want to stay inside all day?

Pretty much. See, I get claustrophobic. I need to be out and about doing stuff. I do need to go out and I'm out every day, but like taking the train at night or anytime I'm on I'm on the train. I'm a pilot. Well, you got cool shit. You got like a taser. You got like... I know, but I need it because I'm tiny. Yeah. And a girl. I have a little

fucking credit card knife. That is pretty cool. That's sick. It's like a very flimsy. I wish I had it on me. Yeah. But it's... I ever show you it? No. It's like a credit card and then you kind of like twist it and turn it. It takes way too long to turn it. Yeah, yeah, give me one second.

So it's like if a guy is fucking with me and like doing something, I'm like, oh, let me just play with my credit card. Oh, you want my credit card? Turns into like a little flimsy knife. It's kind of sharp. I don't know what it would do. Yeah. But yeah, I need to.

I fucking can't walk around with just nothing. See, I would rather get jumped than my friends call me a pussy for having pepper spray. So I think at the end of it. Because pepper spray is stupid. Pepper spray. It's like a guy can't use pepper spray. Yeah, yeah. A guy can't be like,

you know, we need to have something. No, that's ridiculous. I want to get, I don't actually feel that. I actually kind of do. No, no, it's fucking just makes you feel weird. Right, it does. Yeah, but what if you got stabbed or shot or something? That would be ridiculous.

I agree with the fact it's insane. Like, I agree that it's insane that I feel that way, but I can't bring myself to being comfortable enough with my masculinity to get it. You never tell anyone at least. I agree. I agree it's stupidity on my part to be like, oh, I would rather get robbed than have my friends constantly call me. And spray some guy in the face. It's wrong. I agree.

It's like a wrong problem with my brain, but I can't. Because it's like, I've had a knife pulled on me. People try to fight me all the time selling tickets, like constantly. Yeah. That's why I started carrying that shit because barking. Barking, you get a lot of weirdos going up to. Yeah. People are fucking nuts. They're drunk.

They want to go into the show for free. And you're like, no, you're not getting it for free. And then they're like, fuck you, man. I don't fucking know what this guy's going to do later. 100%. Like I, this other day, this homeless guy comes up to me and goes, nice shirt, he goes, give it to me. And I was like, what?

He goes, give me your fucking shirt. Starts yelling at me. And they're kind of like bears where you have to like literally show them you're not scared. And I'd be like, fuck off. I was like, fuck you. I'm not giving me my fucking shirt. And he's like, I'm just messing with you, man. And try to give me like a hug.

But I was like, no, you're just saying that because I responded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was what my dad said too, like, why I'm so aggressive sometimes. But if I was just still barking without a shirt. Comedy show, guys, comedy show. Gave him my shirt. My parents were always told me, they're like, yeah, you're like small, but if you're aggressive, people don't want to deal with that.

Where I've had guys be, like, creepy to me, and then they're like, she's too much of a hassle. Where it's like, yeah, I look small, but like, people don't want to deal. Or if you fight back at all, sometimes people are like, oh, I thought this was going to be easy because other people won't fight. So it's like, if you kind of, yeah, you stand your ground, people back off. Yeah, somebody told me this, though, which is crazy. I remember when I was a kid, someone was like, oh, she's like, what you do is if somebody's trying to rape you, you just pretend to be into it because the rapist will be against that. I'm like, no, dude, what?

Yeah, I'm like, that's the worst thing. I was like, maybe 40% of rapists is just the thrill, but some people also wouldn't care. You know what I mean? They're just creepy people. Yeah, you're going to make that rapist's day. Yeah, and he's like, oh my God, my job's 10 times easier now. Thank you. Who told you that?

Just somebody when I was a kid, I was like, all right, guess that's weird advice. Yeah. But as a kid that would be weird because I'm just to start blowing a camp counselor. and I'm like, yep, I guess he's not raping me anymore because then I'm just fucking him. It wouldn't change what's happening. Jesus. Yeah.

I probably hold, sorry, the microphone. Yeah. Sorry. That's not good advice. No, horrible advice. Because it's like, if you don't want to have sex with somebody, then me, it's not that's not going to make any better. That would mess you up mentally too.

Because I feel like, anytime someone came on to you, you'd be like, I have to do this now. And it's like, no. You'd be more vulnerable to that. 100%. And it would be so funny because then you're like, yeah, I still fucked him, but it was on my term. It doesn't make it any fucking better.

I still had sex. Next to somebody I didn't. Like someone, this is fucked up now that we're talking about rape. But like a person does that. It's like, oh, let me pretend to enjoy it. And they're like, oh, why the fuck isn't he getting off me? It's like, I made all the noise. It's not working.

Yeah. Yeah. There's Tim Michael Good and his podcast telling me to enjoy rape. Yeah. Michael's like, why do I get in trouble? Yeah, that was the worst advice I've ever got in my life. I remember at school, too, I think my college, like, apologized after. A lot of colleges did this where they would, like, separate the boys and the girls

and have, like, different seminars. And ours was like, how to not get raped? And I was like, how about you just tell everybody to not rape anyone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that just felt so ridiculous to me. They were like... That's crazy. What high school they did that?

In college. Oh, in college. Okay. In college, that makes sense. I think it's a tough thing because I think obviously you can't tell people. people don't get rid. You know what I mean? It's like a crazy thing because it's somebody else's power. But I think it is hard like like like, like for example, like my sister, it's like which I tell are like, okay, we tell guys like obviously you don't rape. It's like one

the worst things you can do to somebody. But also you do have to tell women like, no, this sounds horrible. How to be careful. Yeah, yeah. Not like don't like don't hang out with these, but like, you know, maybe keep pepper spread. Like stuff like that. So that is stuff like, unfortunately, no matter how many guys you tell not to rape, there still be those people. So it's like you have to take extra met. But don't tell like, anybody's telling women like, hey, don't be a drunk and a part. Because like then you're telling people how to live their lives, which is different. But I think that's different than saying, like, make sure that, like, pepper spread.

You know what I mean? It is a hard thing because I agree with what you're saying. You can't be like, hey, they're going to rape you guys. You know what I mean? Yeah. Some of the advice was so weird, too, where it was like, oh, you can, like, piss in their bed if you're in, if you get to a point where you're bed. And I was like, why?

Or you can be like, I'm sick. And I'm like, I don't think they're going to care. Yeah. Like at that point, and they're going to be like, I have the cold. Just a hypochondriac rape. That's not a thing. Yeah. Rape, yeah.

Okay. Um, wherever it. Yeah, no, that's, yeah, the college seminars are just hilarious.

I don't know. I'm trying to build a sketch to TGA where it's like these consent quitos because like they have people that are going to, you know how they always have people that try to like go to high schools and like teach you lessons? And they want you to like people you get along with. So like like a New Jersey high school, but they hire like the most broek widows. Like let's say a girl's had too many drinks,

bro. You take a back from the bar. That's rape. Not cool, bro. But just like those like those characters are hilarious. hilarious to me because like, just like Jersey Shore guys, but that are super pro-consent because it's just not what you think. I like how I just explained how I think the sketch should be funny.

You know, so you guys want to be in my sketch. T.J. has a mustache, though, and I don't want to tell him to shave it, but is there a way you could put, like, fake skin over a mustache to make it look like... That's going to look weird. He's going to have, like, a weird bump over. You don't want him to have his mustache? If he's a guido, Guido's not. Guido's don't have mustache. They're pretty...

They're pretty... They may be goatees, but yeah, they have like the pencil thin. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't think that would be worth him shaving. I don't know. I, uh, man, you guys got, I'm sure. The whole podcast, I'm like, if we hit dead air, I am fucked.

Did you guys watch The Sopranos movie? No. I have opinions on it. Many Saints of New York. Newark. Yeah, Newark. Am I? I thought, I thought there were too many saints.

Yeah, this is way too many saints. but I think too is like That's my joke I started watching do the Spranos get more racist because I was very confused because I'm like

30 minutes in and they were like super nice to the black guys and I'm not saying you need racism in a movie How long are you in the show 20 minutes? In the first episode?

No no of the many states in Newark Oh I don't even watch the movie Oh I'm making shit up then Yeah yeah yeah Maybe I'm gonna watch the full movie

but I was watched so the sparranos are obviously super racist because they're like Italian mobsters and uh Yeah but they don't even think it's this is

it's so weird to like defend it but they don't even think they're being racist. What do you mean? It's like they're just these Italian immigrants that I guess I could kind of relate because I come from a family of immigrants, but they just want to only deal with their own people. That's kind of how, because my family is actually on my mom's side, Italian immigrants.

So the way my parents explain it to me is like, they're like, it was just at the time you lived with your own group where it's like my dad was in just Hispanic neighborhoods. growing up. And then my mom was just in Italian, and it's like, that was all they knew. Yeah. So it's like, I'm not saying like that defends anything. But I think when you live like that, it's just totally different. Oh, of course. Yeah.

Yeah. There's like a Gen Z racist Italian. It'd be like, what the fuck is wrong with? Yeah, yeah. He's like, where I'm from? It's like, nah, you went to a public school and like clearly interacted. But like anyone older that came to America where everyone's different, it'd be like, hey, let's stick together. No, of course. Yeah. They don't trust. They don't

trust white people. And Sopranos, they don't like regular old white people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. Well, that's the thing I was confused about because, like, maybe it changes completely, but I'm only 30 minutes in the movie, and they're just like, hey, this is called Johnny, nice to meet you. And I'm like, I feel like they would not be that.

Maybe something changes, I don't know, because like, on the show, they're super racist towards black people, but you're like, okay, that makes sense, but it's just weird that like 30, maybe something happens where there's like an interaction and then they all become racist. Because I would, if they made the non-racist, non-soprano, I hate to be like, we need racist in the movie, but it's weird when something's like weirdly inaccurate like that.

But I assume everybody's watched the movie. Maybe something like happens and then the gang violence starts between the blacks and the... It's a show they work together, but it's like just like anything. I want to watch the show. It's great. I just got into it. I'm like three seasons. Oh really? I got to watch it. Everybody keeps talented. They're like you would love it. Yeah. You got to, it takes like

maybe five, six episodes to be like, oh, it is good. Because I know a few people who only watch like two when they're like, this is slow. Yeah. That's like every Italian mobster. movie, though. Because, like, I watched... Yeah, like, the godfather's fucking forever, yeah. I have a short attention span, too.

It's like, I like Scarface more than The Godfather, which is a way... It's a way worse movie, though. Like, if you look at it... Fuck that, dude. It's a better movie. You're just like, you saw on somebody's arm with a chainsaw. That's what I'm like, that's fun. It's fucking so funny. People always talk shit about Scarface because it's so ridiculous. But yeah, that's entertaining. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're all dressed ridiculously.

It's this fucking short Cuban guy played by Al Pacino. Who's Italian? Doing a stupid accent. Yeah. And it's hilarious. It fucking is so funny. I love it. The way he dances at the club and shit.

I love that movie. I love it too. Also being from Florida, it gives you like, in Florida you can only really be proud of the trashier things. If you're like, yeah,

we do cocaine. Like, because there's nothing else to be proud. You know what I mean? It's like we have the worst education system. We have all this bad stuff. So I'm like, you have to be proud of the kind of wild shit

that comes along with like the alligators and the jet skis. But, yeah. Yeah, no, no, that is cool. I mean, it's also, like, interesting because, like, people don't realize, like, Miami was a fishing town until, like, 60s through the 80. Like, it literally cocaine built that city. Like, you watch Cocaine Cowboys? It's, like, more than 60% of skyscrapers in Miami were built off of cocaine money.

That's insane. Yeah, it was literally, like, not a city until, like, cocaine started, like, really getting revved up. The old pictures of their crap. I mean, it's not, like, nothing. But it's, like, literally, like, a couple high rises. That's it, like, nothing. And then it became, like, a huge, the biggest city in Florida, which is one of the one of the world. which is one of the most populated states.

Have any of you ever had your ears clogged? Poor Arden. Arden was telling me in the stairway. He's like, I can't hear... I can't hear out of my right here. He's just been missing this whole episode. He's just like, I hope this is what they're talking about right now. Yeah, I got a little bit of it. You think you're still talking about SpachBob?

Why do you think it got clogged? I know why it got clogged because I fucking use cuttips. Oh, they're so much fun. It feels so good. Yeah, yeah, it really does. It's like the same skin that's in my ear. ear is like on my penis. Yeah.

It feels amazing. Yeah. But how far did you put it down? It's, I can't. It's like I have like a fucking fishbow. He put the Q-tip in and then just banged his head again. It just fucking. Feels so fucking good.

I have them. I'm like a, like a super rough dominant. It's your own ear. Yeah. I feel like I had, sometimes my sinuses give me problems and I had like my ear. it's like I remember one time I got sick and I was hosting a show at Iggy's and then I was like no I can host I got it and it was a disaster because I couldn't hear anything so I'm up there and I'm like stuffy and I can't like talk the normal way and it's just everyone looked so concerned when I was up there and I couldn't hear anything and I was like all right we're going to get this thing started it was so bad I'm just going to wait for it to go away yeah I think it will go away I think it will go away But I've looked it up. It's like how do you unclog an ear?

And it's like you have to go to a doctor. Yeah. Do you think you push something down there? I think, I don't think I busted my eardrum or popped my eardrum. But I think I just pushed a lot back there where I'm just going to like let it go. Yeah, just you'll be fine. I think maybe I don't know.

You can have an ear infection that makes you go dev. I've been on that like literally from an ear infection. Yeah. If you like don't get stuff. Oh, God. I'll deal with it later. Yeah. You probably should.

Hearing sucks. I have horrible hearing because I used to go to... I assume it's just because I went to a lot of EDM concerts as a kid. But like, it's like, it sucks with... The only part that sucks about stand-up is when you're trying to do crowdwork. And you're like, what did you say? And you said, no idea.

I'm like, what? What? Your sister? What? You're like, I can't riff on something. People talk so quiet, though. Oh, yeah, yeah. I hate when you're just talking to someone like,

like normally in there, they talk so fucking low. And you feel rude for being like, what? Like, yeah. I can't hear you. Yeah, yeah. That sucks. It's like that Seinfeld episode, the Low Talker. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hate that, though. And I always, I feel like, too, it's like whenever I was teaching kids, I'd be like, they would get shy. And I'm like, yo, I can't hear you. And then I'd be like, you know what, go sit down. I can't hear you. You can come to me when you speak up. And I know that sounds terrible, but then they learn to like use their voice. Because I hate when adults do that to me.

I'm like, what are you a moron? Just speak up. Because I've had the same thing where I'm crowdworking. And I try to avoid, like, like. shy looking people. Like, if it's a bunch of girls that aren't really talking, I'm like, I'll leave them alone.

Like, I look for the more, like, fratty-looking people. I'm like, they're gonna be more fun to riff with anyways. They've been waiting to talk this whole time, yeah. So I'll riff with them, but like, if I'm talking to someone, it's like, dude, I can't hear you.

Just speak up. Yeah, that is tough. And I think it's also like, I sometimes just have so much momentum and I forget what I'm saying. Dude, I talk about this constantly. I'll be like, so the thing about it is, yeah, that is hard.

I can't, do you still teach? No. Yeah. I finally got terminated. God bless those kids. I was the worst fucking student. I can't imagine. How much do you hate?

Do you hate the kids? I don't. I love kids. I really do. But then it was like the administration. I taught for like almost six years. It was like I taught pre-K. I taught high school.

And then I taught third grade the most. And then I was substitute teaching here. And then they fucked me over with my unemployment stuff. Oh, yeah. And then I was just waiting to get terminated because they kept calling me and emailing me and be You have to recertify. I was like, I'm not recertified. Like, fuck you guys.

And then, yeah, because now unemployment's, like, asking for a ton of money back. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they pulled that shit with me. How much for you? Well, like, 600. And then I told them, like, and then I told them, no. And then I just showed my bank account. And then they were like, they never came to contact the guy.

That's what I'm going to do is people told me. They had a bullsie move. Just told the government no. Yeah, I was like, no. You could fight it. They sent me, I was so mad, like, yesterday, or last week, a collection thing being like, we're going to come, take it out. and I called them.

And I was like, yo, I've tried. I was like, I've been on top of this. You guys are the ones messing up because I was supposed to have a court date. And then I had a lawyer and he was like, you're not ready. Because it was like two days after I got the notice. Oh, shit. He was like just, he was like, so tell them you have to get a new date and they never sent it to me. But I kept calling.

They're like, oh, yeah, just keep waiting. I'm like, this literally isn't like, I'm not being irresponsible. I was so mad. And I was like, I don't even think I owe this money back. I really did have COVID. Yeah. So it just like pisses me off. The collection egg is you see how to see how funny.

I picture you not doing it, and they just have, like, these, like, suited guys come in and just, like, take your fridge and just, like, stuff that... I don't know why. I picture of it, like, just, like, super old-fashioned. They're, like, we're repossessing all of this. There's a guy with, like... I picture, like, just, like, a henchman with, like, a VR headset on, like, walking out with your shit. It's like, this is ours now. I don't know.

I have a lot of shit-blings to tape. Yeah, yeah. No, it pissed me off because I was like, I have excellent credit. I was like, if they fuck up my credit, I'm going to lose my mind. But I'm fighting it still. I sent in, like, 40 documents. I sent in my colonoscopy pictures like eight times. I'm like, fuck you guys.

I'm not even kidding. Like the pictures of the inside of your asshole? Because I was like, fuck you. I don't care. I was like, I had to get this done. That's hilarious. I'd be like, what is this? That is very funny.

I got another job. I just got a job with kids. After you're like, yeah, I said pictures to the inside of my ass. I got more pictures of my colon. It's not teaching. It's like this weird job where you go. and make like giant bubbles for kids. Oh, like at birthday parties.

You sound like just a joy bringer. Yeah, yeah. That's like the greatest thing in the world, yeah. It's called a clown. It's called a clown. Are you going to put on a red nose? It's just carrying around a lot of stuff, but they pay you so much money for like an hour.

Yeah. That's cool. So I was like, oh, I should do this. And it's like during the day when kids have birthday parties. So then I can go to stand up. Because yesterday I went in the morning. And then they're training me still, but for training,

they like, they paid for my ticket. I went to New Jersey and then they paid me a $75 extra. That's fucking sweet. That sounds like the greatest gig in the world. Don't you like paint too? You could do like painting kids' faces. They like that.

That's what I was thinking of doing because he was asking me because he has like this guy because he was like, well, you're small and you have to like carry all this stuff around just you have to bring like the bubble juice. And I have a cart. But he was like, what other activities would you want to do? Because he does like Mentos and Coke with them. He's like so you don't have to bring as much. but I might do that

because I used to... He does mentos and does coke with them. He's just like eating metastas. There's an explosion in my heart. Wait, you do what with these kids? Drugs. What does the mentos have to do with anything?

No, but yeah. No, so I was just like, I might do the face paint because I've done that, but that would take time because you're only there for an hour. So I'm like, if I have to paint every kid's face,

it's going to take like... They're just all so bad. too, right? The parents are supposed to tip me. Oh, yeah, they should, yeah,

that is kind of like a... I always remember the it's it's kind of like, I always remember the itchiness of face paint, though. I'd get it on and like, this is cool. And then I'd just be like, oh, this is annoying as shit.

Yeah, it kind of sucks. Yeah. Well, that's what you get for doing blackface. Yeah. Look at the folks at home. It is funny because I've thought about that. I'm like, not about doing it, but like,

I have like, when you're a kid, there is face paint and the kids have every color on there. And in my mind, I'm like, there's no way there wasn't a time period that I'm like, what does this look like? I took a drama class in a, fucking, it was high school. It wasn't eighth grade.

Arden's about to admit. No, I didn't do it. A friend did it. But he was Asian. And so it was a drama class. It was a drama class and they made us, it was such like a bullshit drama class. It wasn't like an act, all these kids wanted to be actors. Yeah.

It was just like a bunch of fucking high school kids doing like an elective. Yeah. It's like, oh, let's do drama. It's fun. We'll fuck around. And the teacher was like a math teacher. who was like, all right, I'm going to teach you guys about acting in movies. Yeah.

And they split us up into groups. And I remember the group was me and my Asian friend and a black girl. And then just fucking whoever the fourth person was. And then we were like, oh, wouldn't it be funny if we painted his face black? Oh, my God. And it was like, yeah, it would be hilarious. Let's fucking do it. And then we did it.

And it was like terrible. It wasn't like real black face. Did the teacher say anything about it? Yeah. It's fucking like how many years ago. The teacher was probably so. tired too. It was just like, oh, you guys are being so stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And when we put like a, it was just, there was no reason to it. It was just, hey, this will be. He wasn't

trying to be the black person. Because that would be weird to the teachers. Like, you guys got to all do somebody else. So then the black kid now has to tape his eyes and then be the Asian person. And it's just like a constant, like, it was just stupid thing that just want to do something that would make you laugh. Well, drama classes were weird because I remember like, there was an interesting, like, I have the vaguest memory of a drama class. And I'm not supposed to say this word of quoting somebody. But they yell out like an activity and somebody yells three trannies on a giraffe. And the drama teacher who's very progressive is like,

okay, perfect, I'll be three trannies on a giraffe. It's just so funny how that was 10 years ago. But that was the most progressive person in the whole school. Didn't know that word was like not the word you're supposed to use. Yeah. Also very specific description. How do you get on a giraffe? I don't know. How do you be three different people too? What do you mean? Because the person yelled out you have to be whatever's in the picture. Oh, they made one person.

person, but yeah, that's not... Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's just... That's offensive and impossible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I remember... It's so... Yeah.

How do you do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's so funny that, like, how much things can change in, like, 10 years? Because, like, that was the most progressive in the person in school was still using that word. Yeah. I didn't realize the last five years from that word...

I didn't realize how bad it was until, like, somebody got mad because some comic used it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I was just like, oh, I didn't realize. Yeah, yeah, really. Well, I mean, I think words don't start out, bad. It's just like after a while, something bad happens.

And then, yeah. Yeah, well, that's... I think the N-word started out bad. Yeah. Technically, that was, like, the only word people used to the screen. You know what I mean? It's like, one of those things is like, yeah. Whatever word you...

I'm not gonna get it. Have a good night, ladies.