Morning Good - The Best Day Ever - Episode 186

Episode Date: September 10, 2023

Christophe Jean and Johnny Salami join the show for today's episode. They talk about Johnny's IZOD sponsorship, the ethics of COPS and Live PD, and the all-time worst job interview performances.Thanks to Christophe and Salami for coming back on the show. Both of these comics have prior appearances on the pod, so check out some earlier episodes for more.Christophe is on Instagram @chrisjeanofficial and hosts the Rough Week Show podcast. Johnny is on Instagram @johnnysalamicomedy and hosts @thejohnnysalamipodcast. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, by way, shout out to Tim's Brace. Welcome to morning. All right. We are here with Johnny Salami. Is anybody in the world? What up? What up? And Christoph, Gene.

Hey, how's it going? And we started talking about jelking. So what is your impression of jelking? Because if they have a different definition? of what I've been told. Yeah, dude. It's a process of like, like, making your dick bigger,

dude. Okay, if I'm on the same page. You're like, slowly, uh, sure. Keep going, you have to,

uh, thank God the camera. I was very nervous to work out of that, oh, we didn't lose that. Yeah. I was told you just do like one,

almost, I give it showed. Yeah. Just stroke it, dude, and it like lengthens your penis. But you were saying you have to do it when you're

about to come. There's like a different, I think it's part of the process. Okay. I don't know, the whole grid. you know the grid system dude you gotta trust the process

I think that might be oh no that's edging yeah edging yeah yeah yeah that's what I thought I was like that's another word for edging edging is also it's a yard process

I think dude a yard yeah you can edge your fucking you know your yard like the hedges and shit

what are they called hedging? So an old man could be like yeah I'm edging out here and you'd be like what I thought you were saying it's like you'd get really close

to cutting the grass but you don't yeah you're trimming your head edges and jerking off. Double edge, dude. Double edge, dude. Dude, I almost died today.

Not really, but I was at a... Right, you really took the wind out of the same story. I have a crazy... Yeah, the second I said, I was like, no, I didn't. I was dying. I'm just realizing how fucking lame the story is. It's not even close to being even anything. What happened?

I was just in looking at Starbucks. You shouldn't even fucking tell it. Make something out. I was in lying at Starbucks, and the guy gave me like, you gave eyes for one shot espresso he gave me a three and then I meet and then immediately

I'm like that's not even close to losing your life yeah how did you feel though once you took that first well I didn't what I did was like I was like I got a fucking I have to be uping my caffeine

like every week it's getting like more yeah of course yeah because I'm like falling to sleep after drinking a Red Bull recently I was like that's like insane

yeah but I also have to time it with the podcast so then I'm not shitting on the podcast but I have to have enough energy to do yeah you don't want to get

that false hope though dude where you're like jazzed up, bro. Oh yeah, and then you crash. You're just laughing. You're just laughing. I think I've done that in front of you before, dude.

I think I've been on this podcast. I've never seen you electric in my life. I've never seen you have. Johnny's on final cylinders right now. Dude, I'm fucking six feet right now. Bro, there was one podcast I did with you and I was like

way too caffeinated and you were telling a story and I just started laughing. It was a really serious story. And I started laughing in the middle of it and you just go, dude, what the fuck? I felt so bad

Was that all byed? Yeah, I think so Dude, I think that was the one that like, I drank so much caffeine and then you're vaping and you're seeing stars out of the car I'm talking out. I'm tired of guys.

You're blacking out. This is too much. And you're like, kids love doing this. Kids love this. This is what all the kids are doing. They were slamming in monsties. Everyone's chasing that feeling though, dude.

Yeah. Just over being about to pass out. Yeah, dude. It's like jerking off for the first time. You're like, dude, you're chasing that film. That dragon. Yeah. Yeah.

A dragon there. Have you, uh, When I first jerked off, I was not really sure what I was doing. I just knew all my friends were jerking off. And then I was like trying to. Yeah. So I was, my first time was in a barn. Yeah.

Somebody was like, you fucked a horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, jerking off is awesome. Yeah. I love jerking off. I just think that's jerking off. You know, drinking off, we fuck different farm animals. People are you jerking off your room?

You're like, no, how the fuck would I do that? Yeah. What are I going to bring them in? Yeah. With like a bag of oats or something? I mean, once you, were you shooting blanks? Oh, yeah, for years. Yeah, yeah.

But I did, I would, I would do like the, I could not wrap my whole hand around. It was too big. The two fingers. Yeah. My hand was too small. I'd have to do two fingers, but like so much pressure, just kind of like. Yeah. Oh, you're like seven, dude?

Yeah, when's the first time you jerked off? And why were you in a barn? I think I was 10. We have a family house in Tennessee. Yeah. And I was, uh... Every time I talk to Michael, I found out here the new house in a new location. This is the same house we talked about last time, motherfucker.

It's like our cabin. Our farmhouse. Our beach. out, sorry. There's somebody's hiding, dude, for sure. Yeah, no, he's definitely loaded. Loaded. Loaded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loaded. What's funny, because I think I talk to you about this, like, like, my parents make, like, you know, they're, like, upper middle class. Yeah. But then you go to an open mic and every comic's like, I fucking hate rich people. And I'm like, yeah, dude, dude, dude, I mean, there's a difference between me, like, actually, I don't know.

I talked to a very wealthy person, and I told them how much money my parents made. I was like, yeah, they'd probably pull like a quarter million between them a year, you know? Yeah. I'm like, and they're like, oh, so you like, you didn't have much money growing up? I was like, you're ridiculous. You're not even a real human being. Dude, I majored in finance. I'm like retarded, but we did this, uh, they invited me to like a convention.

Yeah. It was like a field trip, bro. I was like near here. It was near Times Square or whatever. Yeah. And I'm blasted at the hotel bar, dude. And dude, there's some of the richest people in the world at this convention, dude. and I met like two of them.

They were getting blasted. Nice. And I talked to them. And I was like, dude, this is fucked. Yeah. I found out in early age how fucked up the world is, bro. Dude, they're making so much money. You're talking about like, no, no.

These are like, I'm talking about like... Picture salami at a bar with like Epstein and Trump. That's my boy, dude. So you like tits? He's like, yes. Dude, outside of the pedophile stuff, he had to be a great hang. He's a big party guy. It's amazing how much they make, dude, for dude.

for doing so little. Like, they're just fucking flicking each other's nuts. Yeah. Making billions, bro. And you're like, yo. Yeah. Because they've just got boys that call them. They're like, yeah, the market's swinging this way today.

And they're like, all right, cool. Let me just follow. I didn't know. It was that simple. I thought it was like Wolf of Wall Street where they're like, I have to be on 10 drugs a day. Oh, there are people who are like smart and they're like, let's dissect this. You know, and they spend like fucking six months, like, examine everything.

And then there's people who are just like hung over who get a call and they're like, it's going down. I feel like that's the guy. who like is at the very top of the hedge fund. Oh yeah. He doesn't give a shit. But the guy who's like, Wolf of Wall Streeting is like works for that guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he takes a cut and the fucking hedge fund manager takes a bigger cut. Yeah, it's like, yeah, you remember that time we did that circle jerk? Yeah. They're like, if you don't, if you don't, you know, if you don't do this, like, I'm telling everyone. Yeah, yeah. That's real. I mean, that's what Epstein was doing.

Yeah. He was just like, remember that time you gave you that child prostitute? And they like, yeah. And he's like, yeah. I think circle jerking is like, not. that bad compared to what he was doing. Yeah. I mean,

that's like, yeah, that's almost nothing. Yeah. The circle was on fire, maybe. Yeah. In the shape of a pentagram

and there's a dead baby in the middle. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like to get to that level. There has to be a little bit of fun for play. Not with the kids,

but like in a friendship, what I'm saying is, what I'm saying is like, when you show up to the island, there's no way he's just like, we're fucking kids. Like you get to the island. No,

no, and he's playing like some pit bull and you're like, this is going to be the greatest weekend of my life. And you're so excited. Maybe. I don't know, dude. I don't know how he blackmailed them.

I guarantee you. I don't know how he blackmailed them and then didn't immediately have like a huge reputation as the guy who blacked mess people. You think he'd blackmail one guy. And he'd be like, yeah, he's a monster. I kind of understand it, though. If you invited me to a nice island dude and we were getting smashed, you could probably convince me to do some pretty...

Well, okay, think about it this way. Imagine I'm Jeffrey Epstein, right? Yeah. And I invite you to my island. And you know me. You know what Jeffrey Epstein does. You know, he goes to an island and he has sex with children. And then I still am like, dude, it's going to be lit.

Talking, you know, we're taking a PJ there, dude, champagne, massages. I'd be like, you'd still go, I don't know. Yeah, I'd be like that friend you make excuses for. They're like, dude, he always drives drunk. Like, he got in a bar fight and, like, hit a woman. And you're like, yeah, but like. I don't know. But we're bullies.

If I didn't know about the children, I'd be there in a second. Oh, yeah, for sure. Once the children came up, I'd be like, listen, man, like you need help. Like, I'd give you that whole speech. I'm not going to tell anybody, but, bro, like, this isn't chill. Could you imagine? That'd be so hard. Dude, and he's, like, railing lines and, like, playing, like, fiesta music in the background.

Yeah. You're telling him he needs help as he's, like, getting off a helicopter. He's like, no, you need help. You poor motherfucker. Yeah, there'd be no way you could convince him that it wasn't. I mean, he was probably, like, he's probably so, like, tied into everything. He's got like a million blackmail cases

on him. He's like, I can't quit. What do you think? Oh, yeah. Like it doesn't, you know. Yeah, I mean, but like, dude, if I knew you... Oh, you got a whole tire on here, by the way, sounds like fuzzy. Oh, sorry. Yeah, you're good. Dude, this guy. Yeah. Just rech to jelk. Yeah, we got to jelk the mic.

I mean, dude, but that would be sick, though, if I, like, all I knew was you, who you are now. You took me to a sick island. Dude, you just take me into some room with, like, strobe lights. Yeah. And there's a bunch of hot, chicks with their tits out and we just throw

a fucking hard-boiled eggs at them? Yeah. I'd be like, dude, this is the best day ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that would be funny.

An era of age than it'd be a, you know. That would be funny that's how he does it. He strobe lights it. And it's all hot chicks and he just throws a kid in there. Wait, I didn't know.

He turns a lights on snaps a picture. He's like, he takes out a carton of eggs. He's like, you got your arm warmed up. Rotated cuff. It was like during then. He was like,

let me show you something. Yeah, I feel like, probably like a day three of the island that he brings that that out. Because there's, I just, I don't see, there's probably a mix. There's probably people that purposely go there for that. But then there's probably people who, because I heard he like, there are a lot of the rumors where he'd have you bang

like a couple 18 year old girls and then he'd like sneak a 17 year old one in there and be like, yeah, of course. I mean, so yeah, he's going to warm up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just going to bring in. Just at the airport. You know those lines? Immediately. The kids with the line leader and stuff like that, they're all just walk it up. You're like, yeah,

That doesn't see you. It's amazing how it comes to that, though, when you have that much money. Like, you obviously get bored after a while. You're like, all right, you know, I've done a decent amount. You know, let's spice it up a little bit. It's kind of weird how they go to that versus, like, something else, you know. You could be a little more creative. Right.

Yeah. I mean, I'm sure they've exhausted their options, you know. Like, they're banging animals somewhere in there, too. I guess it's animals. It's, you know, they're lighting stuff on fire. There's, like, you know, ritual seances, you know. Oh, shit, yeah. Well, my favorite Zach, have you seen this guy?

He's definitely full of. shit. His face is painted or it's permanently tattooed like a clown. Oh, I love that kind. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? No. No, he goes on podcasts and he's like, yeah, dude, these Hollywood parties are crazy. I was there, Taylor Swift doing cocaine, satanic rituals. Next thing you know, fucking seal comes in. He's doing blow.

Yeah, yeah, and I'm like, there's no way. Yeah, he's lying. Yeah, you're completely cool shit because there's no way that Taylor Swift to be at a party doing cocaine and satanic rituals and they wouldn't make you sign an NDA. That's the part that loses you? I just don't think she's doing that at all. Well, that's true too, but I'm saying even if that was the thing, it's like there's no way you're not signing NDA. And I'm like, this guy's going to get sued

because every podcast clip, he says it like, he's taking some out of the two. He's like, oh, okay, I shouldn't, I shouldn't say this. Yeah. Okay, you know what, I'll fucking say it. Yeah, Oprah Winfrey. Banging Ellen with a strap on. The one thing I could see myself doing is like,

you ever see that scene in Waco? And it shows, like, the film from, like, the private room where they would do like crazy shit. Yeah. And people were just like screaming and like sucking on each other's tits. Yeah, yeah. I would probably get in somebody.

Wait, I'm not familiar. So I know there was like a cult. Yeah, they were just getting not like a circle jerk, but like a circle. Yeah, it was like a weird room where they would all. It would be like a release ritual where you would just kind of like let everything out. So people would be like, like, fuck, it's not that small. You know. Like screaming at each other and like fucking.

And it's like. It's almost like a pit at like a metal concert. Yeah. Yeah. But it sounds sick. It's like Sodom and Gimorra in there, though. It's like all their dicks are out and like they're screaming at each other and they're fucking. It's like a or like a hellish orgy.

Yeah, they didn't show any fucking, but they were showing like. Is it on HBO deal? I think there's like two of them. There's one on Netflix. I saw one that was like a documentary. Yeah, I saw both. Yeah. Both a little different, which is kind of weird.

Interesting. It's still fucked up with the government team, right? Like what was going on with it was fucked up and they still like kill a bunch of people? Yeah, they were like, we're not going to hurt you. And then they just started throwing fucking frags. Isn't that the debate on who shot first? It's like a big deal. That's like, and then that's like kind of the origin of the Oklahoma City bombing.

Yeah. It was like that guy got really radicalized by seeing Ruby Ridge and by seeing Waco. And then he was like really pissed. Yeah. And the new one, they showed one of the moms. And she's fucking daft, right? She's fucking insane. She survived like the fire?

She survived everything, yeah. Oh, wow. Or was she not in the house or was she just? She was. They let her out. They started like letting people out, like, one of the same. at a time. That's crazy. Yeah, this dude was fucking, he would be like, yeah,

if you let me on air to speak to the people, I'll let one or two people out at a time. Right. So they would let him go on national fucking air, dude, and he would literally just talk about Jesus. Yeah, yeah. And then you'd be like, all right, I'm letting two out or whatever. Yeah. Everybody's listening.

Every single person, we have zero listeners for this. It's not. You can just hand on a microphone. I'm like, you're a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Like the remote controller thing where you give like, yeah, yeah. If you're a cousin the Nintendo 64 controller

when you're playing Xbox 36 Yeah. Yeah. That's what you should have done. I don't, I don't really feel bad for adults in cults. I feel horrible for kids in it because like you don't have a say, but it's like, there's always like an adult

and I'm like, dude, you're just so stupid. It's like, I don't know. I disagree. I'm with Johnny. I could totally get into it, dude. I could totally get got by that. I mean, dude, when you're, when you're, especially living here, dude,

when you haven't felt something in a while. Yeah. That's a great point. That's why like, You hold up by here again, by the way. Sorry, Oh, sorry. That's why Scientology just, like, killed in L.A.

Like, it's all these, like, actors who are like, I don't know what the fuck. I don't know. And then there's guys like, you know, there's aliens in your blood and you're like, oh, oh. It also is kind of easy to brainwash people. Yeah, of course.

If you have a platform, dude, it's not that hard. We're also brainwashed by a thousand things that are, like, innocuous, and we don't really notice. And then next thing, you know, you black out, you wake up. You're in the fucking sucking up. If you have street credit, you can just, like, put something on Facebook. that's completely false.

People will be like, holy shit, man. Dude, that is such a good point. I'm realizing how much of a dumb ass I am, because I'm like, dude, I wouldn't fall for that. And then I'm thinking, like, first off, I've caught myself saying things just because I want to be agreeable. Yeah, of course. Like, somebody's like, this guy's racist because I'm like, I don't think that's racist, but I'm like, yeah, I totally would have racist.

And afterwards, I'm like, I didn't think that at all. I just kind of didn't want to, like, be like, you're an idiot. Yeah. And then I think about other things like, dude, UFOs, you could, I believe too much of that. Like, I'm like, I'm like, and then I'm like, Oh, I kind of am brainwashed in a lot. I can't you somebody's tricking me into something.

Yeah, of course. It's a million things that you just don't know and you'll never know. Yeah, yeah. Too many dudes who, like, used to light their farts on fire who are, like, doing fucking YouTube research. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, bro, you got to chill, man. Dude, I saw this one video was about the submarine that imploded.

And this guy was like, yeah, here are the leaked, here are the leaked, you know, like. Audio? Yeah, communications between the... He's like, it's Atlantis. there's mermaids everywhere Is that the cracking? Yeah There was a

They were like It was like It sounded like very standard Like submarine talk I don't know anything But they're talking about like Oh pressure What's your what's your 10 for

On your excavation of the acceleration And he's like We got 14 meters And oh we got the warning flash You know whatever Yeah And I'm like damn dude That's crazy

That leak and then later I saw a video that was like the leak hoax of the I was like I was so into it dude they had me so I'm saying I would join like a Yeah yeah yeah if I didn't have like If I wasn't like bombarded with all this information

About them I don't know I started this book one time Called the Colting of Brands And like the premise of it is that like every brand is essentially like Does the same thing as Colts Like to sell stuff Would you just break to it? It's fine, it's fine it's fine What was that noise?

I thought that you broke the mic or something. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. But there's all these things that like there's like, like, you know, like you ever meet like a guy who's like I only wear Nike's? You know? Like a guy who's like, that's the same shit as being like. Wait, that's you with the Aizot.

Polos. No, do I switch over to, um. Did I'm Azo? That's an Azoad. Tommy Hogan, dude. Or Ben Hogan, I mean. Like Walmart brand. Oh, nice.

But you're currently wearing an Aizod. Yeah, I used to only wear Azo. Oh, okay. Yeah. They didn't sponsor me, so I was like, fuck this. Did you ask them to sponsor you? Yeah, I've reached out many times. Have they responded?

No, dude. Oh, dude, that sucks. They've got some big names, though, like Aaron Rogers. That's awesome. You're like, what does he have that I don't? Yeah, I was like, I'm gonna, fucking, I'll boost your numbers, dude. My friend used to do this joke. It's not a good joke, but it's kind of ironically funny to me.

And he would be like, he would just go on stage and he'd go, you ever look down at your jeans is how he talks he goes you ever look down at your jeans and go man wish these were Wranglers and then you go I'm trying to get sponsored by Ranglers and so he sent that video

into Rangler's email and they went his friend Alex they go sorry Mr. It's Alex Gasparini's his name sorry Mr. Alex Gashmere but we're declined It's funny they were

It's in a formal decline Why would they waste their time? That's fucking insane. That's so sick, though. Then you got a formal decline, dude. Yeah. Oh, that's all I wanted, man. Yeah.

Even if they... We do appreciate the Johnny Salami podcast. You respect what you do on it. Even if they just said no, I'd be like, I respect that. Respect. Thank you, Azad. I look forward to the future relationship. Yeah.

Once a week, send them reals and be like, what about now? Yeah, I should do that. I should go on my, like, podcast or Instagram. Just always were the same thing. I mean, dude. It's a good idea. Well, the sponsorship now is so funny, how obvious it is. It's like,

everybody's drinking like the Logan Paul like Oh yeah They're drinking brines They have Celsius in the background They got a death water Yeah it's sponsored Every podcast

Yeah It would be so sick to have like a sponsor That you believe in though dude That'd be really a convenient Like IZod kind of sucks But dude Ben Hogan bro That's what I'm going after next

That's your white whale I mean they're at Walmart bro They're cheap No one wears them like to sponsor me dude Yeah why not dude It's bro like I wear them fucking, I've contributed so much money to them, bro. Yeah. Yeah, like, to hear Joe Rogan

talk about Alpha Brain, like, he's like, he loves the brand. Didn't he start Alpha Brain? I think it's his company. Oh, okay, never mind, then. That's why he likes it so much. That's just the Alex Jones model. Like, you sell supplements that are by you. Oh, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's so much money, too, dude. Like, every sponsor's like, like, fucking AlphaBrain,

uh, Celsius, that LMNT stuff. Yeah, yeah. Which is like 50 bucks a month. And it's like... What is LMNT? It's like fucking electrolytes, but it's like, Oh, okay. It's like sugar. I mean, salt.

It's salt and sugar and like B vitamins and they're like, this is like... I actually, I fuck with it. But it's literally like sugar and like potassium and calcium in a fucking sugar packet. And it's like 50 bucks a month. That's crazy. It's like, dude, you know, lower the price and I'll be for it. Right. Or athletic greens or whatever.

It's like a hundred bucks a month. That's insane. It's like musty water and you're like, this has to be good for me. Yeah. It tastes like shit has to be good. I've never had it, but it's like shaved pubs, green sponsorship. I'll look up this one after I try to hit them up.

Dude, you consume it. You just have like a legitimate like meltdown. On athletic greens. Yeah, it's like shaved, pubs. Fucking cucumbers mixed together. You're just rock hard. They mix athletic greens and bluish. Call it greens and blues, bro.

What I would love to have is I would love to have an info wars like the medicine, but just leave it on my bathroom counter. make people kind of weird. Yeah, that's a good idea. Just like Alex Jones brand like vitamin. That's a great idea. Vitamin C. Just a fuck of people. I used to take acting class lessons with this guy who was like a full blown. Like he definitely got into Q later. I don't think he was a, Q was a definitely wasn't around. It was when Trump was in office. But he started a podcast. I wish I remember

what it was called. But all it was was just him being like, I love Trump. Like do an hour with his friend. And I watched the first episode. I remember Rasmworth. How did you get into the Trump stuff. It's like definitely Alex Jones. I really like Alex Jones and they're like, yeah, he says a lot of real stuff. He says 45 minutes of that. I'm like, dude, this is great.

It's my new favorite podcast. I'm like subscribe to the Patreon. Dude, my favor is the guy. You see the one of the guy getting arrested and he's like crying? He's like, police Trump, if you can hear him. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, that's shit. President Trump. Yeah. Yeah.

I could have done that too. I could have in Q. Yeah, you give me a couple extra nights of drug use. Yeah. It could, it could have teeter that way. If I think I'm,

if I think I'm getting clues. Yeah. That's what Dan Soder. Dan Soder said like, I was not to name drop, but he was talking about Q and talking about how like there's all these movies in the 90s that were.

Yeah. Basically that was the premise was like a secret organization, pick you because you're special and like, now you get to know. It's just Harry Potter for like, yeah, You're like, I'm the one that has a thing. I completely relate to that.

I'd be like, I'm the only guy who knows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, you have the it factor. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, literally I'm the chosen one. I'm Arthur. I'm pulling the sword out of the stone. Harry Potter, dude, Haggaret's coming to my house.

Like, all that's about me. All that's true. That's about me. Yeah. That'd be sick, dude, I'm not gonna lie. Yeah. Even just to like, even if someone kind of like found out, like took a shit at your place and they saw like the symbol tattooed on your fucking

shower head or something like that. Yeah. They were like, yo, oh shit. Dude, don't tell anyone. Dude, that would be a hilarious joke to play on like a crazy uncle. You just convince him to be like, you're on the right track.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's like classic shit, dude. It reminds me of the guy who flies drones over homeless people. Yeah, it's like tweaking meth people and he just like puts a drone

and follows them. These guys definitely think the CIA is after them and they do follow a drone. Yeah, that's your biggest spirit. So funny. It's so fucked up and hilarious. It's just kind of like just tip

the scales a little bit. I don't even know if I talked about this with you guys, but I was saying it would be so funny to get into, like, fucking IT or something. Yeah. I mean, dude, and just make, like, an alien fucking drone. Oh, yeah.

Fly it over, like, weed dispensaries. Like, oh, man. Dude, an alien, man. Like a crazy alien, too, dude. Yeah. You don't smoke weed anymore, right? No, I hate weed.

Yeah. Well, yeah, it's because you haven't done it with it. Do you like weed? Not anymore, dude. I'd be, fuck, I wouldn't be here right now. You'd be freaked out. I would have lost my life to weed. I'd be in a fucking parking lot somewhere, dude.

Me too, dude. I'd be fucking, what, sucking or what? I'm probably trying to you. I'm messing up. My favorite's the guy that's like, you know why you don't like weed? It's like, you haven't done it enough? Yeah. You haven't done it with me.

You haven't done the right stream. I used to get weed for free all the time, man. I can't remember last time I paid for weed, like even when I did it. Because people would be like, this guy is tapped. Like, we got to pick them up and just talk to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would just be like that guy who just said, like, what if situations. Oh, that's so fun.

You know? But it was cool because I just got weed for free, man. Dude, I got weed out of an actual jar this week. And I was like, this was really nice. Not getting out of some weird baggie that has like Mario Bros on it with like eyes. Because it's like apparently, apparently a lot of that stuff is just sprayed down. Like apparently like weed is laced now because of these weird dispensaries. Yeah.

Like with just disgusting. A lot of people have been talking about that recently. I mean, I don't smoke weed, but everyone's like, yeah, you got to find like the organic shit, whatever that means. Yeah. Yeah. No, I heard there was like, uh, basically it's like cheap shitty weed that they spray like the Chinese chemicals on like the synthetic catheter. Oh my God. There's fraying it with K2.

That's fucking. So shitty, dude. But this week's crazy. It's like, yeah, it's literally some weird... Dude, I got so high once. I was, like, in a circle with a bunch of dudes, no homo. They were all, like, wicked cool guys. Wicked popular, dude.

And I was so stone that this dude, like, whipped out his new bong that was, like, $150. Yeah. And he handed it to me to take a hit, bro. Dude, I took a hit out of the carb. Nice. I inhaled the weed, and I lit the top. And I just dropped the bomb.

and it shattered. That's awesome, dude. It just shattered everywhere. I love that. Holy shit, this kid's going to get, like, I thought he was going to fight me, dude. And I was just laughing so hard that he was like, don't worry about him. Dude, I gave him $10. That's awesome.

I was like, that's all me, bro. Yeah, sorry about that. My bad. Buy yourself another one, dude. Do you say positive, man? You're good, bro. That's a key. Imagine me in, like, a drive-by.

You're just, like, laughing your ass on. Well, those people are so, because, like, I always do that. guy who bought like a $400 bong and he's like because if you smoke this you'll get more high I'm like yeah why don't you buy you $400 worth of weed yeah like it makes more sense but then like he would always break it because there's always like like high schoolers just passing yeah no it's like a giant thin glass bong with like 19 little swirls the fucking honeycomb brother yeah dude so honeycomb into the percolator yeah and then it mixes on the carb level and you put ice in the curculator is a real it just it sounds like something a pot head would

I thought resin was fake for years too because like And I don't even know if it's been proven. You remember what residue was? It was like the gunk. Yeah, yeah. And people get you actually more high than the weed. It does because it has like cancer and like, you know, the devil. Boutain sprayed in it.

It's like ingleberries, dude. Yeah. It's legit. When you're smoking weed. That's so funny. When you're smoking weed now, are you just doing it by yourself? Are you like hanging out with the boys? So for the most part I'm doing it by myself.

Like last night I smoked a bunch of pot and had ice cream. That is your side of catch. Because I went to the beach, I was, like, looking really sexy because we had a beach trip. Me and my girlfriend, who, you know what, I'm not going to get too into it. I'll mention it briefly, we're in the process of doing an amicable breakup. So we went to the beach together. And I was just like, I got to look fucking hot at the end of this relationship. So I went, like, hard for the month of, I think I've, I don't know how to work out because I'm having back problems, too.

And I think it's from me going to the gym with no coach and just lifting things. I'm like trying to really push myself. Just maxing out. Yeah. I'm trying to only do high weights. You're just running around with a high coach. 100 pound dumbbell. I'm doing dumbbell runs today.

Yeah. But now that's over, I'm like, all right, well, the beach trip's over. Now I can just treat my body like fucking shit. Yeah, there you go. A bunch of ice cream and... That's a great idea. You think it's more fun to do it, like, by yourself or like with the boys? Dude, you know what's really fun?

My friends will get high and go see movies, like the sound of freedom. It sounds awesome. It's the most fun. Sound of freedom and hilarious. Yeah, you got to choose a movie that's like, you don't go see a good movie high. You go see something that's like not. Nothing you have to pay attention too well. No.

I really want to see the fucking Dracula one, dude. That looks... The rating's terrible, but I'm like, dude, Dracula on a boat. Like, I'm immediately sold. Dracula and pirates. Dude, if you have a... I agree. If you have a bad time in that, you're a fucking loser.

I want to see, like... With your Oppenheimer bitch-ass. I don't want to get stoned for... I'll fall asleep or something to do. I want to watch... I haven't done Weeden forever, but I want to take, like, a tiny edible and just watch, like, planet Earth. Like, such like a...

Dude, that's the best. Classic stoner movie. just like being a blanket for it and like order in really bad food. Oh, it's amazing. Pizas and fucking stupid. I did that one. Dude, I got high by myself. Just me, dude.

And I saw, dude, I saw Planet Earth too. Yeah. And there's a scene where this fucking lizards running away from a bunch of snakes. And it is the most, like, emotionally captive. I was like two inches away from the TV. I'm like, fucking run. Dude. And they like kind of, the snakes kind of get it a little bit.

And then he escapes, dude. I almost cried. So great. Have you seen the hair? I'm just going to recount. Like it's episodes of family guy. Have you seen the one where it's the hair being chased by, I think it's a coyote or a wolf?

I think so, yeah, yeah. Dude, it's so sick. He gets away. He's so fucking fast. He's booking it and stuff. And the coyote's so sad. And then he finds another hair and just immediately eats the shit. And I'm like, yeah, good luck with those hairs.

And then it's like, oh, just his mawling, a rattle. it half the pieces. I was like, damn. This is planet Earth, but it's the one with the, or those big ass lizards, dude. iguanas? Oh,

Beater Dragons. Camoto Dragons. Commodo Dragons. Oh, dude, that one is wild. They're crazy. You know how they kill them? They fuck them?

No, they fuck them, yeah. Yeah. Well, they have like poison spit. Yeah. And they just bite you. And there's so much bacteria and disgusting shit in their mouths

that they don't kill you with the bite. Yeah. Then you just die of like, encephalitis, like, oh, yeah, and then they go eat your dead body later. Yeah, your body just like, fuck, it explodes. Yeah. That's like the date rapist of like, yeah. They're like, well, like, this will do me well later.

Give me an hour and then I'll go back and pray. I forgot what the name of that one was, dude, but it's just about this island and they're just like filled with them, dude. Yeah, yeah. Fucking sex. That shit's cool as hell. The coffee's now doing this. I'm, I'm getting a little, yeah. I'm getting a little scared right now. I'm scared about Comoto Dragons.

I mean, you shout out, just just, just everything's flying. Do you ever have a, I've to say this earlier, but do you ever have that feeling? When I was a kid, I used had this feeling that I was retarded and no one was telling me. No, I've never had that feeling. What? Yeah, I mean, I have that every day.

But do you know what I mean? Like, I'm on like, it's like Make a Wish plus the Truman show. And like, you just don't know. Yeah. My parents paid to do this podcast. You're like, Christian. Christop's such a funny comedian. We love to have. Yeah, they're like, oh, he's a comedian. Go follow your dreams. And then they're like paying a secret society

make me have a normal life. Well, I had a similar thing. My brother, when I was a kid, told me that my parents would pay my friend's money. That's hilarious. And it's so funny. And it's so fucked up.

And then they would pay them extra to laugh at my joke. That's so funny. I'm not even kidding. I thought it for years. Because one of my friends was just kind of like a habitual liar. And he's like,

and he just went along with it. He goes, yeah, yeah, I get paid for this. And so I just, like, it confirmed the suspicion. No. Mine's more of a Shutter Island type thing. Oh, that's worse. Mine's more of a Shutter Island type.

Dude, I'm just gonna wake up one day. Your wife killed your children. Sorry to spoil Shutter Island. Dude, the fear of a lobotomy, that is terrifying to me. Them just like taking you out. You wouldn't even really know.

Yeah, you probably didn't give a shit either because you got a lobotomy. Yeah. But it would be something that I think's normal. You know what I mean? Yeah, I remember seeing like these pictures of people who got lobotomies and they looked like super like, you know, like before and then after they're like, I kind of muted and like. I'm like, well, they'd be better.

Dude, this. It kind of worked a little bit. Have you ever been in like a circle, dude? Yeah. And like, you kind of like, you present yourself to the circle. And then it's no longer a circle. Like, people start to walk away. That's the worst, dude.

And then you're like, bro, I might be retarded. Yeah, because like they're having like a normal human's conversation. And then you come up and go, uh-down, bye, don't, don't, and they're like, Jesus Christ. dude. That's what they hear. That happens all the time, dude. Dude, speaking of

Down syndrome, so I was in St. Pete this weekend, as I was saying earlier, and they're doing poolside trivia. Nice. And, you're just bombing on that trivia?

Okay, so, like, the questions were like, one of them is like, what president has a, is a registered bartender? Or it's like, licensed bartender.

And I was like, okay. And I was like, no idea. Put down Bill Clinton. And there's a guy with Downsinder bias. He goes,

no it's Barack Obama and we're like okay so we start we put like okay Barack Obama and then we take all of his answers and every single one of it was wrong in our head we're like maybe he knows something that I don't know yeah that's so funny he definitely

doesn't and we were like dude I think the other one was like the only one he got sort of right where it was like what movie do they say the line do you like scary movies and he goes ghost face and I was like I think it's

scream, but I'm not going to correct you. I'm going to write down screen. But everything else, the movie Jaws, we're like, what's the name of the shark and Jaws? He goes, Great Jack White. And we're like, I was, my girlfriend's right, I'm like, ang, it's definitely not, it's not great Jack White. and great in the front of him.

I mean, it's great. To get furious. Yeah. You fucked me up. You fucked me. Donnie? Yeah. Yeah. You know how the Special Olympics is like, a pretty good like revenue booster. For what?

They're making a decent amount of money. Oh, I see. You know what I mean? The, who? The Special Olympics. Who's making the money? The Special Olympics. The nonprofit organization.

Okay. Yeah. Like they're reeling a decent amount of dough, dude. Yeah. I mean, I see advertisements for the Special Olympics on TV. Yeah. It's like an advertising budget. Yeah.

Yeah. It's ridiculous. It's technically like a nonprofit. But dude, I was thinking we should, uh, we should start like a NASCAR for retards. Dude, that would be fucking wild. NASCAR. I was a nasty hard. Yeah, yeah.

I might be retarded. You're telling me you wouldn't watch that, dude? I definitely would, and they'd be bumper cars. No, I'm saying like... Bumper cars, and the first place gets cotton candy. I was thinking, like, death race. You have, like, three years to make your own vehicle? Yeah.

They can't get any help. Just, like, they got, like, spikes and shit. Dude, it's like that show where they, that movie where the, the, the prisoners race to get out of prison. Yeah, death race. Yeah. You know that movie? That's death race. What you're talking about?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, did you? I thought it was a different movie. I thought it was the, what's the one with Quentin Tarantino? Dude, I thought you were telling a joke that I just didn't get. I was like, fuck, dude, I'm retarded. No, I'm the one who's stupid. I don't know.

That's, um, bulletproof. Yeah, or something like death proof. Death proof. Yeah. Death race is wild, dude. I want to watch that again. with a special Olympics, dude, there would be like three explosions. That's a good hot movie.

Yeah, the movie's wide, especially with the hot chick in it, dude. Oh, dude. Who was in it? Probably some dirty hot chick, like Megan Fox with like, with like grease on her legs. And you find out later she was like 12. You're like, God damn it. It's like some Hispanic woman. She's also been in like a fighting show.

Michelle Rodriguez? I think so, maybe. I find Michelle Rodriguez very hot. Oh, dude, she's so hot, man. Yeah. Which one she? She's in, um, it's so funny we stop in the middle of the pockets to look a picture of hot.

I think it is Michelle Rodriguez. What she looked like? I don't know. No, it's not Michelle Rodriguez. It's someone I've never heard of. Those are funny, too. You ever watch a whole movie? You think it's one actor?

I'm trying to find out. Jesse Eisenberg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got a lot curly-headed kids. I have no idea who this woman is. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I thought it's Michelle Rodriguez, but she's a babe, dude. She's in some fighting TV show.

That was like, Native American. Super popular. Dude, I love... Lally Martinez. They made a death race, too. I love this straight-to-d-d-d-d-d-D-D-D-D-D movie after like an okay movie. Like Death Race 2, I'm pretty sure

straight to DVD and it's like... It's some other guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in your mind, they're like, we're not going to care if he swaps it out. Or it's like his brother or something. No one would, dude. I wonder where they film that too. It's like some of that's got to be real.

Yeah, it's 100% real. Yeah, they kill people. Like a residential neighborhood. The film in death race in the neighborhood. It's like a call the sack, dude. Yeah, that would stink, dude. That would be so fucking funny. Yeah, I love, especially in New York City.

You see them, they're always like, blocking off the street for people to stuff. Just a guy just comes flying through. He's slamming in the building. He's got like an M60 plant at the top. Yeah, just like fucking, that'd be a way worse like Alec Baldwin's situation. The machine gun on the car was real.

Just wiped out a whole entire crew. Like a mass shooting level. He's like, this wasn't supposed to be loaded. And he was like, Br. That would suck. Plead not guilty. we have this on video

you're like not guilty that's CGI Dude that's like I started watching cops recently Those are the funniest It's so funny So first time you realize A lot of it's incredibly racist

Oh it's horrible Because they're just like Yeah we just had a suspicion We should pull you up You're like alright Yeah they gotta bring cops back man for sure Yeah They have live PD now

Yeah yeah It's not the same though But I think it was some sort of weird thing Where it's like They couldn't Make cops again because of like some sort of weird like agreement like filming agreement but if it's live

it's different. Yeah yeah because they don't have to blur the faces or something like this is just like the news. Yeah. You just happen to walk on the set of a movie that we were walking right I know it's so that's wrong. Oh totally. Especially with everything that's been going on like they're probably like we need to stop this. There are some crazy cops episodes dude. Yeah. But it is funny always on both sides

because like the cops always like really racist with stopping them but then the guy has like 10 guns and he's like honestly I have no idea how any this got here. They don't show like the other five pullovers that were nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't show with the Rodney King. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I was just beating the shit out of a guy for no reason. They're going to be the one where they're like, see, look. Yeah, yeah. He had an ounce of cocaine on. Yeah, yeah. I never liked the other guns.

I only watched cops for one reason, and it was always the fucking highway pullovers. Mm-hmm. Because they always had ones. There was one dude. This cop. pulled someone over on the highway. And this guy

drives into the cop car full speed. And he gets out and he goes, holy shit, I didn't see you there. The cops just like, dude, what the fuck? Like he's pulling someone else over and that guy. Yeah.

The other guy just gets away. Whoa. What? That's how blasted they were. Yeah, yeah. There's shit face. I can't imagine being. that blasted.

Driving. That happens. I think they had to change the color of the cop lights. Yeah. Because that was happening a lot. Like a lot of cops died. Mock to a flame,

dude. Yeah, I think when you're intoxicated, like the light kind of attracts you a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, that looks like a safe place to drive. Or towards the light. Yeah.

It's like a lighthouse. You're like, oh, okay. What are they changing the light color? It's like, they don't like green. Yeah.

Why would they change? They just change it to like rainbow Yeah, yeah Everyone just drives away Yeah Like one of the old parties That was fucking homoose What your pickle smoochers

Depending on where you are I saw one that was so funny This guy He goes like domestic dispute And this guy's like my wife She stabbed me She's high and crank again And then the woman is just like

The scariest looking like Like you know It looks like a rat With like literally like beady red eyes Yeah they're freaky dude And she's like She's like, I don't know what you're talking about. She plays so stupid.

She's like, I didn't stab him. And they're like, ma'am, there's like a kitchen knife right there with blood on it. She's like, I don't know what you're talking about. And he's like, it's fine. Deborah will settle off in the morning. I'll be back tomorrow. I was like, sir, you should not go back. Yeah.

Just try to stab you. He was like, it'll wear off. I saw one of his two gay guys beating the shit out of each other. Dude, I wanted to talk about this. Okay. Wait, let me hear this. And they're like, yeah. we meet each other up, man.

And then the cops are like, are you going to press charge? It's like, what's going on? They're like, nah. And then, like, the cop was like, yeah, they do that, like, a couple times a week. Like, it was like, this is, I always come out to these two gay guys beating the shit out of each other. Yeah. Couple up. Just random gay guys.

That would be so funny if they didn't know each other. Yeah, yeah. They just got to a regular bar fight and they're like, wait, are you guys both gay? All right, well, then it's easy. We found out halfway through the wrestling section of the fight. They were both gay. Like next Wednesday, same time. But what was it?

I was at a show recently, and I was, like, doing crowd work. Yeah, and I asked a guy, I was like, you know, it's the dumbest thing you've done drunk. Just whatever, bullshit. I hate doing that. But I'm like, whatever, I'm hosting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the guy's like, I punched him in the face. And I was like, why?

He's like, we're dating. He's like, I did so much cocaine. I was like, why is he just? I would never admit to that. Yeah, I'm like, you should admit it to domestic abuse. Yeah, it's really bad. Because I think it's totally, like, it's like, obviously, like, bar fights, the second your inner relationship with somebody you hit, it totally changes everything.

Yeah. Like, you can hit women at the bar and it's no problem at all. Yeah. Yeah, it's about location. That's interesting. Just clip that and put it on LinkedIn, dude. That would be funny. A LinkedIn is just the worst podcast.

And I still applied to, like, major jobs. But really pushed for it. I don't know if you saw my last email. But I really think I would be good for Blacks channel. Put the link in like your cover letter. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Definitely.

It's a printed out resume with a link. They can't click. Like, why did you print this? They have to type in it. Like, H-T-T-P, colon. I'm just sitting there.

I'm like, I think you'll be impressed. Yeah, dude. Have you had, I've had some of those job interviews. Me, my girl, when we both moved to the city, we, like, couldn't find jobs. So she went in to apply for, like,

some marketing bullshit. Like, obviously it was a scheme. And they're playing, like, rap music in the lobby. So, like, 20 people, like, lined up. Apparently she's like, yeah, I went there, and then this woman started like scribbling stuff on piece of paper. She's like, oh, this is a scam.

And then, because we both moved here before having actual jobs. And then I went in, and the same thing happened to me. Like, I was sitting there, and this woman's like, okay, so basically we need people. And I'm like, she's drawing shapes. I'm like, this is the most insane thing I've ever. Are they just taking your personal information, you think? That would be a good scam if you're like, yeah, you got to put it in your W-9 and... Yeah, they just take here all your...

I've had some of the craziest job interviews, dude. Yeah. I was going through, like, a... dark time. Like, I think it was like early 20s, dude. Yeah. And I bombed at a comedy show and then... Start applying for jobs the next day.

I've been there, dude. So I lost my job and then I bombed at a comedy show in front of like a hundred people I knew. Oh no. I just went into like the spiraling depression, dude. So I'm like, I'm looking for jobs, bro. I ended up getting this job interview at Fidelity Investments. You guys know this? Yeah.

It's like a huge investment firm, dude. Yeah. I don't have a suit at the time Like the only suit I have is from like Target Dude I'd go out get a suit man And uh bro I was like smoking so much Wheat at the time and drinking so much I show up to this I'm getting ready to go

This job interview bro and I have like wicked long hair And I decided to gel it back And wear fake glasses Swag Dude so I'm on the way and I'm like dude I got a piss man So I'm in my mom's car I pull over into this dick sporting goods parking lot and I tried

like pissing into this bottle and I like take my dick out of the bottle and there's like leftovers dude and I just spray the entire inside of the windshield dude didn't pick it up just kept driving wait so you started pissing into it and then you took it off your dick

yeah and then you ever do that like oh but it's still going yeah oh because you're pissing all over you got leftovers afterwards and it's went all over the windshield brown I just left it dude yeah and I just go to this interview and by the time I'm there dude my hair is so fucked up, bro. Like, I have, like, fucking pupe hair, bro.

And I'm trying to slick it back. So it's, like, all over the place and I'm wearing fake glasses. That's so awesome. This guy sat me down. He was just like, you could tell he was, like, genuinely confused. And he kept asking me questions.

And I swear to God, every question I answered the same. I was just like, teamwork. Dude, he looks like a psycho, dude. You're trying to look like fucking... It was like a 20-minute interview. Like American Psycho. He was like, listen, man, like, You know, I'll let you know what's going on.

Like walked me out. He was like, I remember this vividly, bro, opens up the door for me. Like, looks in my eyes. He goes, dude, take care of yourself. I was like, fuck it. Take care of yourself. Like, I should, yeah.

I should, yeah. I really should, yeah. I had a bad one this year because it was like, my job, they were firing all the attempts. Yeah. And hiring his full-time employees. So they open up a position to hire full-time employees. I think it's only because they can charge.

they didn't have money to pay TEMs because they have to pay the temp agency. And then I think also part of it's that like they can't afford to pay us but they can't pay us less. They have to open up a new position. Yeah. And technically let us apply. But basically they don't want to pay anybody the same amounts. They're like creating new positions.

And it's so funny applying to a job I've worked at for months with the same cover letter and they just know it's full of shit. I'm just like I have great attention to detail and they're like, no. You're working here for a year. You don't have any attention at all, terrible. Let alone to detail. Yeah.

Yeah. there's errors in this cover letter. Yeah. Dude, that shit's so stupid. I think jobs have become like, it's bad. It won't work unless you lie. Like, it's such a culture of lying.

And, like, I think everybody knows, like, the interviewer knows, like, you're lying. I know I'm lying. It's all about sucking dick.

It's all about sucking dick, looking balls and shit. Like, I was at... Tasting parts. Tonguing a man's ass. Just suck and come in your... That would be so funny

if you said that interview. Yeah, teamwork as well. Enterprise running car. Sucking, fucking. Sucking dick, looking balls. Getting farted on, queffing, shitting. Bro.

Buggers. Knuckle deep into my own asshole while just sniffing a man's gooch. Dude. Getting that lint in your like gooch and and leadership. And probably just collaboration. You've been to like a job fair or like a big convention where there's like a fuck ton of

and they let you ask questions over a microphone. No, that sounds amazing. Oh, my God. The convention I was at, bro, it was like a board, like all the rich people up front. They were, like, letting students ask questions, bro. That would have been so funny if you said that. The question's like, what do you think about the market?

I'm like, looking balls, sucking ass. That would be great, dude. No, I, yeah, dude, I kind of, I guess it makes sense, like, you should, like, definitely should lie. If you're not lying, you're fucking up. Yeah. But I think it's not going to a date, like a first date and like being honest. Dude, that pissed me off.

One time I was at this party and it was like this like cool like college kid party. And there was a guy there who was like 30 and I'm like, first of all, you're a pedophile. Like what like if you're like 30 years old and you're at this like I'm 20, I was like 25 and I was like I feel geriatric at this party. Yeah. Because I was dating a girl who was 21 and she invited me to it. And I'm at her college party and it's all these like hipstery people. and there's this one guy who was like, yeah,

I was like, I was talking about like, just like, yeah, you know, the first like, you know, while you're not like,

you're only showing your best. Yeah. You're not kind of lying. It's kind of lying. You're kind of dishonest that way. And he goes, I try to be honest with everybody. Oh my God.

I'm like, dude, you're a piece of shit. Yeah. If you think that about yourself, you're the biggest piece of shit on earth. Dude, it's ridiculous.

Unless you live here and you just ran at all hope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but even that is like a form of, flexing in a way. Yeah, you reach a certain age.

Yeah. Maybe when you're like mid 30s, 40s, we're like, fuck it, dude, this is it. Like, this is who I am. But if you're trying to get pussy out there, dude, you got to fucking bring your A game. Yeah. Bring your A game, dude.

What are you talking about? And then he was talking about how he's like polyamorous and stuff. I'm like, dude, I hope you fucking. I hope you, like, I don't happen to you. That's really painful. Yeah, the guy's seen too many lifetime movies, dude. Dude, he's seen too many lifetime movies.

He's like, I'm reading the ethical slut, which is like this book that's like, Oh my God. Everyone, everyone who's half-gay. You hung in there too, dude. You stayed. I was like, I felt like a little embarrassed, dude. I thought he was like big dog in me and I was like, all right.

I get you're the cool old guy at the college. Like, you know, I wanted to be really mean to him. Yeah, that sucks, man. You just want to talk to people who were talking about like tits and shit. Yeah, dude. I literally want to talk about sucking balls. That's all I want to actually talk about. That's almost like less.

That's almost like more. disgusting than the guy who's like bro, I'm just here to get some 20 year old pussy. Yeah, I know, I know. But he is. He is that guy. So like the fratty guy might go to that party. He's like, dude, these chicks are so easy. They're so fucking tight. And then you're like, all right, creepy, but whatever. Versus a guy who's just

transparent. Yeah, a guy who's like, you know, strip clubs actually, I think they're pretty gross. Yeah, yeah. It's like the guy. That's my whores are awesome, dude. Yeah, exactly. And then if you're like a frat dude, and you go, do, I love these sluts, these fucking big titty sluts, I'm so happy. Like, and he's like saying that. And then he'll have a big titty slut on

his arm. He'll be like, look at the cans on this piece of ass. And she's like, oh, Darren. Yeah, yeah. She doesn't care. She's having fun, too. If she wants to be objectified for a while, that's good with me, you know, whatever. Yeah, you're living a movie, dude.

Dude, he's living a movie, bro. That's what piss me off. That's so much better than everyone faking. Yeah, dude, I hate the rhetoric of, like, a frat guys are actually idiots and their lives are bad. I'm like, actually, they're having so much fun. Yeah. They're actually having so much fun and they'll have a stable job, and then they'll

get a lot of pussy, and then they'll get, like, a hot wife, and they'll have, like, Hot kids. Well, the thing is, like, they'll get a job because their brother. Yeah. Yeah. He'll be, like, his dad will own the company. Right. Which is awesome.

Yeah. And then that guy will go to college game day. He'll go back to his fraternity when he's 40. Yeah. You just get fucking wasted with college kids. And have so much fun, dude. They're going to show him, like, what ketamine is. Yeah.

He's going to have a blast. Go back to the Marriott and just rail the shit out of his hot wife with John. Yeah. He might get punched in the face, too. She'll find out and be like, oh, man, this sucks. But I'm not going to leave him. I have kids with the guy. Yeah, and then eventually he's going to get punched in the face, dude.

There's going to be a huge lawsuit. He's just going to make more money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah, you see that yacht? Punch in the face bought that. Yeah. Yeah. It's also a funny.

He's fishing with punch in the face money, dude. Yeah. It sounds like a funny. Yeah, I don't like when people are, I hate that, like, rhetoric of like nerds are actually better and you're like, yeah, what am I going to pay for friends? Dude, I was in a fraternity college. It was the most fun I've had in my life. It's a blast,

I'm sure. The only reason I didn't join one, uh, one I didn't want to pay for friends, but like, the other reason was like I knew if I did join one, I would fucking, I'd be dead, dude. Yeah, yeah. We don't be... We made salami, like, drink a hundred beers and then run around and he did.

All that access to booze and like weed and stuff, dude. After two weeks, I would have dropped out. Dude, I'm like, uh, so bad with women that I know that if I were in that frat environment I would not have turned it into pussy. It would have been all like all right, what crazy drugs

can I put in my face and like booze? Like I'd be the guy who's like constantly fucked up at every party but is still a virgin. I was lucky man. I had a friend who was in a frat and he would invite me to the parties and like all of his boys knew that I was doing comedy at that time. So they just like kind of knew me.

Nice. It was pretty sick man. I would show up. Be like, what's up? That's the best. That's ideal. I'm a friend in a fraternity, but not having to do the hazing stuff. But it's also like, you would have made your way in there because there was always a guy. I became briefly this guy, but not too far in. Who at the tailgate is doing like Whippets. Yeah, yeah, that would 100% be mean.

I love whippets. You do kind of see some of the arguments though and you're like a lot of it's about like cocaine and stuff. And you're like, fuck, dude, thank God about that one. Yeah, they're actually like 1,200 each into a bunch of cocaine. You're like, God, thank God, that's fucking dirty water. They're, like, thrown hands with each other because they're just a dick to do it. Travis, fuck you, dude.

You fucked my girlfriend. Whatever, but she's a fucking slut. Like, Travis would have definitely fucked my girlfriend. You're like, thank God I'm jerking off. They got him just watching porn again. So much tits, though, dude. I love jerking off.

The buddies what I heard is, like, when I did, like, rush, I did well. Like, I'm very social, so I was, I did well. And that's why you could get a job interviews. Because I lie, but I think they want to know that you can sell your lie. Yeah. And I'm very good at selling a lie. And you're like, extra-ridden nice.

It goes a long way. Yeah, yeah. I appreciate that. I wasn't talking about you. It's just the first you can sell that. But like there was one that somebody told me, it's like, uh, like, the all the ones I interviewed for the most part, there wasn't anything crazy. But some people, like, rush fraternities. And apparently this one that dude was on a hoverboard and vaping the whole entire interview.

Sick. Yeah. And just ignoring the kid. He's like, look, if you're going to be here, you better be fucking 10 chicks a week. Yeah. It's like, I, I played a soccer in high school. I don't give a fuck. You're fucking tweet.

It's literally all about who you know, dude. Yeah. Which is a good lesson to learn from fraternities because it is all like inter-personal politics and like all this kind of thing that like I think people who are like popular in high school can like excel at. You know, I'm like 19 years behind this. I'm a retard. Like I will never.

You know what I mean? Like I'll never like, they'll be like, well, Stephanie was, whoa. I'm like, I'm lost. I don't remember who you're talking about. Yeah, and it's a hard thing to teach Because it's like Like people could like read like certain books about like Right

Orcible it's like I maybe it's possible but like I don't know how it yeah You just gotta be a legend like by being yourself kind of Yeah that's like your other end is just like you're so unabashedly like Strange or something and but you're still a good hang See that's where I excel because I am weird in a lot of ways Yeah Like I feel like I'm just kind of like out there and so it's like They're like oh this guy's talking about fucking different types of chimpanzees for like

But he's also fun and he can show I was that weird thing, dude. Yeah, it's a good line to be. It's like a big comedy thing too. Like, you gotta be a good hang, dude. Yeah, yeah. I was talking to my girlfriend once. I was like, am I charming?

And she said, no. I go, yeah, I don't really think I'm charming. Like, if she had said, yeah, you're a charming guy. I'd be like, no, I don't think so. Yeah. That's a real one, dude. Yeah. That's a real one.

I appreciated her not lying. Yeah. But it's also got to be, you got to not be cool. Because I love the idea of a guy being charmed. Sometimes it sleeps through there. Like some guy will, like, seem charmed. arming and then you'll like fucking just stumble or something like that which is very funny to like

fail like a suave. Yeah. Yeah, I'm at the point of my life man where I just like don't want a relationship but I just want to check with like some fucking steam missiles bro. My favorite post of you there's a picture of you and a girl with huge tits and then

I don't know who that what is the the caption? On your Instagram? Yeah, it's like on his Instagram is him with a girl he knows with giant tits and he goes, I love some tiggle bitty like a friend or something. I was big into huge tits, man. Yeah, but...

Are you not anymore? Oh, still am. But what was, like, what was the relationship with you and this girl? Oh, she friends zoned me hard, but... I think that was at a party she threw. And she just asked me to take a picture, and I was just like, I'm gonna cherish this moment

for the rest of my life. Yeah, that's sick, dude. One of those chicks that, like, looks like she has nice tits, though, but realistically, dude, they're probably sagging down to the floor, you know? I don't even mind that. Yeah. It would have been a great time.

Yeah, I don't even really mind. It could have been down on our knees, and I would have been like, this is fucking bad. It's also just nice to have hot female friends, even, like, you know, just being around it, if you feel cool. Like, I have some hot female friends. I'm like, dude, I'm not, I'm in a relationship still, but I'm like, it feels cool to go to the bar, and then there's like, you're rolling up with hot. Like, in that picture, you probably felt like the man.

Yeah, but you're also thinking about fucking them all the time. So, what am I doing, man? There was a lady who started kind of flirting with me. at a bar recently and I got I never get hit on obviously like whatever you know he said yeah yeah but you know what I mean I'm not walking around

I'm like please I'm batting away pussy left and right yeah but there's a girl who walked up me I was just at a bar I was not doing comedy or anything there was really just a guy at a bar and she's like hey what are you drinking like like very like and I just was like a beer and I left and like I was like I can't handle this

yeah but in your head though like afterwards you probably jerked off to that idea. I was like, I was, I'd buy you a vodka cranberry? Yeah. I don't know. It made me deeply uncomfortable.

Yeah. I have empathy for women for that. Yeah, it's degrading, man. Like, I was friends-zoned most of my life with like really hot chicks. Yeah. And I would just constantly be thinking

about fucking them. Yeah, of course. And it's just like the most depressing thing ever. Do you jerk off the thoughts? Yeah. Yeah. See, I thought, I tried avoiding porn. I'm like, I'm going to jerk off to thoughts.

But then the thoughts just get so well. They're way worse than the thoughts. Wait, weird. This is we're weirder than the porno. Wait, I thought you meant, like,

do I think about that stuff when I'm, like, I'm still watching the porno, but I'm thinking about that moment. Oh, okay, yeah. You're double dipping, dude?

You're watching porn being like, oh, that girl. That's incredible, dude. Well, I find pornoes of chicks that look like the chicks I used to want to fuck. Yeah.

And then I just go back in time. Dude, I've done that and I feel such guilt. I don't know why. I mean, you feel really guilty. You know what makes me guilty is a chatterbait, dude.

Oh, Do you pay that? No, dude. But we talked about this. Like, it's like live cans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes me feel guilty.

Because they're like, real time. It's funny they're in like Ukraine. There's just bombs going off. And they're like, oh, look at my pussy. They're just trying to make a living, dude.

Yeah. But they're probably like the richest person in like Lebanon. Oh, they're probably making bank. Yeah, you give them like $400 and they make that in like a week. And I'm like, dude, I fucking do the idea. Or they're getting none of it.

Just an Ander Tate guy's taking all of it. Imagine being that guy. Yeah, you're just funding Andrew Tate. That'd be so awesome. Yeah. You just like, so Sigma, just like smoking a fucking cigar. It's so wild. Be in a relationship and just be like, are you ready, honey?

Did it fucking... Show your pussy and tits and that's so wild to me, dude. Well, he has just like a harem of them. Yeah. Like, and he just, what he is doing, apparently, somebody explained to me, like, he's just doing sex trafficking. Like, it is, it is sex trafficking, but it's a wider definition of anything.

It's like he is emotionally manipulating girls into doing. Yeah. I don't even know what he's doing. Like, what does he... I think he... What are his tactics? What are his tactics? I think he's just getting a lot of the money.

But that's also a really tough conversation. People are like, oh, you emotionally manipulated women. So first off, he's a creep outside of that. But people say emotionally manipulating women, I'm like, well, that's kind of just implying women are stupid. It's like, can't they think for themselves? It's kind of sexist to be like... No, I mean, maybe, but at the same time,

these are not women who are, like, from stable homes with college degrees. Like, these are women who are, like, poor, and, like, he's taking advantage of impressionable women. Right, but also there are women that like, I'm not trying to get on ABC side, but it's like, but it's like, you made the same argument for like men and people are like, like nobody will be like, oh, she's emotionally manipulating this guy out of all of his money. Dude, if you were, like, have an MVP. Nah, maybe. I mean, let's the same.

Let me ask you something. You could beat her up, so it's cool. Dude, if you were going for a run at the park and you saw a fucking purple ice cream truck roll up. Yeah. And like two hot chicks were extended over with their tits out. And they were like, blow jobs, blow jobs. Yeah. Would you like, you know.

If I was a single man, I'd go check it out. Yeah. Yeah. What if, you know. Even if, what if you were taken? No. I wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend by a random person. What if they were like, $30,000?

I mean, I would give you $30,000. I would give you $30,000. I would not. I would discuss it with my girlfriend. Yeah. I mean, we could split it's 30,000. If it was real, if I knew it was real. Yeah, it seems like that.

But the problem is like, that's such a funny. To me, that's such a funny image, though. I mean, Yeah. It'll never have. Like a legitimate, like, park. Yeah.

There's, like, families and shit. Just get your dick stuff. And it's an ice cream truck, so children are coming up to it. What a nightmare. They would be amph though, dude. Yeah, I don't think I'd do it, though. It sounds like scary. I wouldn't believe it.

I mean, yeah. That's kind of scary. Yeah. You're like, you're dick through a hole in a wall. Oh, yeah. Just being like, I don't know. But, dude, the amount of stimulation you get from that, dude. It'd be like a renaissance, man.

That's a good point. The rush from a global life to feel amazing. You're probably just like. I would probably go soft from like the jitters and nerves. It's scary. That's like riding a city bike cocked. Yeah. Like people don't get it.

You're like, I'm chasing this fucking rush right now. Yeah, you probably get more and more. Like, you have to up it. So you're like, okay, so first I have to go and maybe put my eye through the glory hole and make sure it's like a lady or like a guy that's not terrible. But then it's got to get to the point where you're like, dude, I'm going to be blindfolded before I've been walking to the building. Like hands down before I do anything. I would never put myself into this situation.

No, no, I know, but we're playing We're fantasizing. I like to empathize with other people and kind of see things for those perspectives. I understand, like, the idea behind doing it, you know? Dude, you ever go to, like, a supermarket and think about, like, sticking your dick between, like, chicken breasts? No, because that would be bestiality and necrophilia, so I don't think about that. You don't even... That thought doesn't even cross your mind a little bit?

No, well, those are just random, like, intrusive thoughts. I have all kind of about that. Because you're making, like, your own pussy, though, dude. Like, it would feel good. I think you'd get, like, a disease. You'd get, like, trichinosis. Wait, how did you get the name of Johnny's, salami. Did you have sex with a bunch of salami or something?

No, I was smashed at a bar in college. I'm not trying to get off the topic. I would not... I would not fucking... I would not fucking... I would not fucking... Well, I've always had salami nipples. Oh. Okay. And, like, one night I was just blasted, and there was this group of, like, sorority chicks of the bar. And I was so drunk, I just ran up to them, and I was like,

yo, they call me fucking Johnny Salami, baby. And no, no one laughed. Yeah, that was it Everett. That was it. And then I just named my... Is your name Johnny? No.

My name is John Syke, dude. But I named my podcast, the Johnny Salami podcast. Wait, so on stage, do you go by Johnny Salami? No, I mean, it's whatever they want to do. I've been calling you only Johnny Salami for like a real long time. That's what everyone does, man. Oh, yeah. My real name is John Psyke, and I'll tell people that and they'll be like, all right, Johnny.

And I'm like, okay. I guess it sounds cool. Yeah. Jonathan? No, just John. Salami, dude. From the fucking. Bible, dude.

Yeah, the other night, dude, I made my girlfriend laugh. We were talking about that show you were on the sophomore slump show in Bushwick. And my girlfriend was like, who was all there? And I was like, oh, I was hanging out with the Joey Hamburger and Johnny Salami. Like, I sound like I'm making up friends that I don't have any friends. I mean, do you guys think Johnny Salami sounds kind of cool or no? No, it's just hard as hell. It almost sounds kind of like, yeah, yeah, it sounds.

I like fake names. There's black dudes have like the black comic name. Yeah. Like Michael the punchline good or something like that. And I like the Johnny Salami. But the funny thing I was thinking about, you know how there are some Florida headliners who will do like 30 minutes and then 10 minutes about like how hard life is

and about how they found God. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's bizarre. Because I have to stretch my legs for like a set sometime this year. And I was like, how insane would it be if I did that? Like literally just talk about dead babies. Yeah, yeah. And then they're like, my mom died of cancer in 2017.

and I've never been the same. These are wristbands that say keep the faith alive. There's shit like that all the time. There was a dude who was a poet. He would do these like, he would do like, I remember he middled at this club

and I was opening, I was hosting and then he was middling. And he would stop like 20 minutes into his 30 minute set and be like, the candle underneath the lock. Yeah, like break out into like, he's like, I'm gonna do some slam poetry.

And it was all this like, it was all like, motivational too. So he'd be like, victory is just a non-letter word. And you're like, yeah, man, fucking let's go. And then he'd be like, good night. And that was it.

Like, there was no bits. And he would sell stuff that was like, it was like, you know, it was just his name. And it was like, you know, you know, night the poet or whatever. Yeah. This is awful. In their mind, they've justified it.

They're like, people don't want to see a full hour of comedy. It's like, yeah, they do. Yeah. He just loves doing comedy or he loves doing both. And he wants to put both in, I guess. But it's just. Well, some of them are really funny comics, too, though. Yeah, you know, I'm not saying they're not, I mean, I don't think he was particularly good.

Yeah, it would have been funny if he just, like, farted into the fucking life, dude. That'd be great, dude. Because that's funny as fun. Yeah, if he's like, let me do some slam poetry and then he was like, p. Yeah, if you start off, like, genuinely emotional and then you do that, that's funny. Well, it's funny, too, if he gets them on board, be like, guys, I'm going to do some poetry without clapping. And so you guys, okay, that's, and then it's, you guys, okay, that's, and then it's, you're fucking nerds. Yeah, yeah. If you did a straight face too.

looked into like everyone's eyes. Yeah. Like I was, I read, do you know who G.G. Allen is? Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. I love G.G. All right. Really?

Like, I love the idea of him. I know. He takes it too far. It's disgusting. So people don't, I mean, you can just kind of explain. Well, I was just reading about, um... I was like, five more minutes. I was reading, like, his, like, biography on Wikipedia.

Was he written in diarrhea? Yeah. He wrote it himself, just blood and shit. And there was a moment on the, on it where he, it was his brother recounting, like, Merlin, right? Merlin was recounting, like, the first time he ever took a shit on stage

because G.G. Allen was this bizarre punk who would, punk performer who would, like, shit on stage and, like, throw it at the audience or, like, fight people. Oh, you were telling me about this. Yeah, yeah. He'd, like, cut himself and bleed everywhere and stuff.

And then there was a thing where it was like, yeah, Merlin was talking. He's like, yeah, you know, he found, like, the Xlax, and then, like, things were never the same after that. It's so funny. he was like, it's a moment in a biopic where he was like, and that's when he knew. He was gonna do-do on stage

every single night. I was like, this is wild. Dude, an intervention with Gigi Allen where his whole family's like, we, the shitting has to stop Gigi. He's just throwing shit of people. He would go to the hospital all the time with like blood infections

because he would cut himself and poop. Oh my God. Like, you stupid guy. Yeah. And he kept saying he would kill himself on stage, but he never did. He died of like a heroin over there. Yeah, yeah.

I really want... Interesting. Yeah. His name is Jesus Christ. His birth name is Jesus Christ Alan. Yeah. That's illegal? I guess his father was like a...

Nobody's saying you can't take you. I don't know. I don't know. It's like a Michael Jordan. Could you be Adolf Hitler? Yeah. There's a guy... Kurt M. Esker has a bit about it.

I'm not going to say the name. There's a guy who's... I guess he beat the shit out of Jared from Subway. He's a white guy named Steve N-I-G-G. And it's pronounced that. I'm not saying it, but it's pronounced it. ER? No, no, no, just N-I-G-G.

Oh, okay. Now it's like the beginning of the N-word. Okay. And the guy, like, just has that name. And I'm like, that's insane. Because, like... That's like his birth name? I don't know, but it's like, how do you...

I can't... I'm not going to read the name. I'm just not going to read it. But it's like, how do you... Well, you know what? Yeah, yeah, sorry. What's that guy's name? His son, his name is Nicholas?

Oh. The basketball player name is kid Nicholas Kerr? You just... I knew it at Devin Nygor. And I was like, that was just too close. Nygoror? Yeah, that would be brutal. Your kid's name was like Richard Cheese.

You know the singer Richard Cheese? No. He does like lounge parodies of Dick Cheese. You think people call it. His name is Richard. Yeah, it's the whole, that's the bit. Yeah. Or like, I'm trying to think of a good one, dude.

Richard Balls would be cool. Yeah, Dick Balls. That's pretty good, dude. What's a, there's a, I used to know a lot of them. There's like, bend over. There was a Dick Weiner. There's a member of a country club, my parents. Richard Weiner?

Yeah, his name was Dick Weiner. Dude, I wish my last name was Weiner. That's such a sick name, bro. Johnny Weiner. Johnny Weiner. dude. It's funny to be like, we got to get together.

He already changes to salami. Yeah. Go to Weiner. Maybe just Johnny Salami Weiner. Weiner. Johnny Salani Weiner balls.

They bring me up on stage, like five people kill themselves. Yeah, it was a good show until Johnny Salami Weiner was. We do got to, we got to wrap up. Why, dude?

What do you guys want to promote? I mean, I've got mine. my podcast, Johnny Salami podcast. Yeah, great podcast. I love the genres of the show. It's a great time.

Rough week podcast. Perfect. Instagram, Michael, good comedy, and then whatever you guys are. Just look up my name on Instagram. Just how jane. Just figure it out, dude. Yeah, don't worry about it. Listen to the podcast if you do anything.

Yeah. Also, these might be out of order, so whatever. Yeah. Figure it out. What the fuck, bro. Pussies.