Morning Good - The Biggest Rip of Crack - Episode 9

Episode Date: January 17, 2021

Thanks to Jake and Ryan for doing the show and being hilarious. Make sure to check out Jake Timothy's "Burn After Watching" Podcast on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/show/36a8SuHshjAOt26xJKuCPc and don't miss Ryan O'toole's performance on Judge Jerry. You can follow Ryan on Instagram @itsryanotoole and Jake @jake_timothyAs always find your host Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax

Yeah, it's going to be called Morning Good. Shut the fuck up. That's a great idea. Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike in the boys? Really? How you know?

That's a fucking awful. Yeah, I'm really excited about it. I think I'm going to call it Morning Good. Fuck that. That's terrible. Welcome to Morning. Do you crotch crab? Some fucking, some moron.

I'm crossing Lexington. No, hold on. Let's clear that up. You didn't grab someone's crotch. No, I grab. So I was crossing the street in a crosswalk, right? And granted, it's like Lexington Avenue, a lot of traffic yesterday afternoon. And so there's dudes hanging on his horn because he has to stop to let me cross, right?

Because I don't care. I'll get hit in a crosswalk. I've said this before. I'll get hit in a fucking crosswalk. I'm willing to get hit in a crosswalk because I'll take the cash for a, you know, I'll walk around on a neck brace like I'm on the sopranos. You know what I mean? So he stops and he's hang.

He's not even beeping his horn. He's hanging on his horn, right? So now I'm like, I'm going to walk slow. So I just turned to him like instinctually and just grabbed my nuts right at him and his wife. The thing is, I haven't done that in years. You know what I mean? And it just came to me. Do you remember the last time you did it?

I did it. I don't remember the last time I did it. But in eighth grade, I crotch grabbed one of my teachers and got thrown out of school. Damn, too. Yeah. It wasn't even one. Whenever in your crotch, I still think of you grabbing your teacher's crotch. No, no, I'm grabbing my.

I grab my cross. Look, you know, like, it's like. I'm sure there's another, another way to say that. pussy. That's why Trump fucked all that up. I'm talking a nice self-controlled crotch grab. I'm saying like crotch grab, that can't be the word for what that is. Because that sounds

like you're grabbing someone's crotch. I don't know. I always called it a crotch. I think that makes sense. You got to do both if you really want to do empowerment. If you grab somebody by the crotch, you can grab your own. You just say mine's bigger than you walk away. Oh, by the way, I'm here with the Rhino Tool comedian and Jake Timothy. What do you

call your... I'm just kidding. Comedianian also. So, yeah, I don't know. I used to get each other's crutches. Yeah, yeah, I used to get grabbed. I don't know. We did lots of gay stuff in high school and last week. But, you know, just how it goes. We did that shit in, in middle school, we did, you know, like, ball tapping.

Yeah, sackwax. We used to call them. We had, we had, like, it was such a, like, a problem. Like, kids would get sent to the nursing shit with, like, just bleeding ball sacks. Yeah. Like, it was such a bad. It was an epidemic in the middle school. And so they would,

we had like an assembly where they had to, only the boys were in the assembly and this assistant principal was like, he was, and this assistant principal was a female and she was also involved. She was like,

she was like, a total bro. Yeah, just like, now that we're alone. What grade are you in? This was seventh grade. What if that was a thing girls did

when you hooked up with them as like they'd hook up with guys just as a prank? And then once their dicks are in the open, they just fucking punch of the, I feel like, someone from Boston might have done that. No, I've got accidentally, I remember I had a girl on top of me one time,

and we was switching positions and accidentally she'd need me in the balls fucking hard. Oh, that sucks. Yeah. I mean, I've had that by accident. Yeah. What was the assembly thing that you guys had the- The assembly? This was the first of two assemblies.

That was the first one. And the fucking, um, the assistant principal, like, could never say, like, use the words we used. So we were like, yeah, like, everyone's been ball tapping each other and all of our balls hurt. and the assistant principal was kept calling it testicle snapping which is like the lamest way to say that and then the second assembly was like two months later

this like there was someone a kid who kept going into one like one bathroom in the school and shitting into his hand and then writing on the wall oh yeah that's a fucking prison move right there and the principal had us come in again

and the stat assembly was like there is one of you boys is is using their fecal matter to make art in one of these paths. We cross-res reference this with the finger painting you've been doing in this. Like, how would it find that they're like, can I see your signature? Yeah, no, this is definitely. They're running forensics at the ad class. They thought it was like a bunch of kids doing it because we all thought it was funny.

And it turned out to just like someone caught this like autistic kid doing it once. Like this nonverbal autistic kid just would do that like every day. That's his only way to communicate if he's not verbal. He's doing like equations. He's like good. Like really smart. It's like goodwill hunting with diarrhea. But then when they found that out, the assistant principal brought us all back in and they were like, let's just not talk about that.

Let's just apologize. Did you ever get to see any of the artwork? I never saw, no. It was in like, like my middle school was divided into like four different like groups of kids. Yeah. I assume you have classes together. Group. Not like advanced.

Yeah. Sorry, fuck you dude. No, you see like a smart guy. I wasn't getting. Oh, I think.

I mean, it's not like by it. It's just like separating kids. But also autistic people could be like savonds. Maybe not. Oh, yeah, sure. I mean,

I mean, that wasn't like how they separate the classes. Yeah. It was just like random groups of kids. Yeah. And the, the, he was in the yellow house.

And, uh, you mean, and he fucking browned all over the wall. That was a, yeah, I never got to see what he did. But,

um, apparently it was like he just would write names and shit. The yellow house. It was all the Chinese kids and Jake Timothy's school. Yeah, they were. Jake always at, Jake always tried to be in the brown house. Want to be in the brown house.

God damn it. That's what, yeah, I don't think we ever had to me draw with shit on the walls. You see, I did like other people's names. I'd be worried. You're literally on his shit list.

I don't, I don't remember, like it wasn't like students' names. It was like his, his parents and stuff. He's got a family tree. It's just like, yeah, I don't...

Mom, I didn't like dinner last night. Oh man, yeah. That shit was so fun. What happens when you walk in on that, though? You can't like stop. You're not going to stop him. You know what I mean? Anybody walking is probably like,

I'm not going to go pee. I had to, but I'm going to hold it because there's somebody literally writing names and shit on the wall. Oh my God. I've got to tell you this other thing

that happened. Yeah, but to be that guy, you must just be, you must just be, have like so much power in that moment. Like I can solve this whole thing right now. Yeah. But you also,

you can't bribe that kid. He doesn't understand like money. Yeah. Maybe like Legos or something. I don't know. I'll get you at Thomas the train said. Yeah. But fucking when I was in high school,

this is a, I fucking, I can't believe I just remember this. There was a, as a kid in my high school, he must have been like schizophrenic or something. He had some issue where he would just babble. And this one time he got caught just like jerking off.

in a stairwell, like this, this girl walked into the stairwell, and then he just was alone and they're jerking off. And she ran back to her classroom and she was like crying. And she was like, I'm not going to say his name. She's like, I saw whoever's dick and it was fucking huge. And then like, was the kid retarded? No, he's like schizophrenic. It's something crazy about it.

And then I went like two months later. I went into a bathroom. And it was in the, it was like by the library. and it was a bathroom people would go into to just like hang out during class you just leave and go stand in there and so I went into that bathroom and I opened the door

and no one was in there except for him and he was standing at a urinal with his pants at his ankles and when I walked in I startled him and he turned towards me and his dick hit the divider and it went like thwap like such a

a loud sad. And then we just made eye contact for a second. And then I was just like, I'm just gonna pee somewhere else. Like, it's fucking snitch on him or no? He was just peeing. Oh, I thought he was just peeing. And then he turned around. He did slap the thing. You know those people that would be like

at a urinal, they'd pull their pants all the way now? Yeah, like he wasn't jerking off. I did that as a prank with time and the cops got called instead of a movie theater. It was, it was, not like in the theater itself, but like in the bathroom at the movie theater. And we always thought it'd be funny if we dropped our pants. And then somebody told like the cops outside the theater. and they like had to sit us down there like,

it's not funny to be running around the bathroom with your pants around your ankle. And I'm like, it's pretty fucking funny. It's kind of funny. It's like the funny. It is kind of funny. One time I had a kid lock himself in. So this dude had his headphones in and I was

pooping at the urinal or not, sorry, pooping in the stall. And the dude walked in and he had his headphones in and he opened the door because I guess I didn't lock it because I wasn't paying attention. And the dude, it was a handicap stall, so it's wide. And he walked in on the other side, didn't see me and literally closed

the thing behind him because he was blasting music and looking his film I guess he turned in the way that you don't see like as in like if you're sitting there on the toilet he came in like this way

so like he opens the door goes like this turns around and then realize he's locked in there with me and then he freaks out he's like having a trouble like undoing the thing which is just wild

because like if you have your headphones and you're not noticing things so I was yelling out I was like yo yo yo yeah yeah and I had like the class with them later and I don't know

That was weird. Dude, someone walked in on me, when I was at the pair in October, when they were open for like a month, this girl walked in on me while I was taking a shit. Which, it's like ill-advised to shit there. Like, you shouldn't. You shit there every fucking day, bro. I shit there every day. And I stink up the bathrooms, like, no other. That bartender hates you.

They've never said anything to me, which is the only thing they've done, it's like kind of passive-aggressive. But one time I was shitting in there and I was just just fucking like, right. rice and beans diarrhea, like horrible. And then when I opened the door, I watched my hands and I opened the door and there was a bottle of Fabriz just sitting on the ground. Like they were like, they didn't say anything to me, but they were just like fucking clean up after yourself. I remember one time I yelled at the bartender.

I was like, hey, you know he's in there shit and he shits in there every day. And I remember he's just like, yeah, I know. He didn't like, I tried like joking around with him getting funny and he just wasn't like the effort at all. He's like, yeah, I know. He's all serious and shit. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I've been walked in on pretty minimal times. Yeah, I don't know. It's been good for me. Yeah, I think I'm, I don't think I've ever. Yeah, I think I'm pretty good with that. You've been walked in on in a sexual situation? Yeah. Yes.

You talked about this in the last episode, but my dad walked in me drinking off one time, and I was laying in the middle with a floor. Because, like, probably 15 minutes or 30 minutes before, I tried to suck my own dick. And luckily, he walked in later, so. But I don't want to beat a dead horse because the other people have heard this episode.

Real quick, did he say, did he say anything to you? Yeah, he's a horrible technique. You're never going to get done. No, no, no. He was just like, oh, yeah. I had a girl's dad walking on me one time when I was about to fuck her. Dang. We were drunk and we were also in the middle of a floor on like her living room.

And I remember I was I was fucking drunk. I didn't even get to end up fucking. And I like heard this is how fucking stupid was. I think I was eating her pussy. and we heard her dad coming downstairs because I think he used to smoke cigarettes downstairs or something and all she did or maybe I did it I can't remember

but we just pulled blankets on top of ourselves we're in the middle of the fucking floor so it's pretty obvious there's two people under a fucking blanket and he just I remember he's like he fucking snapped and he's like if you ever come here he's like if you ever come in my house ever again

he goes I swear to God I'll put a bullet in your fucking head and I was like bro so I left right I left at like two o'clock in the morning, right? And I remember I still had the condom on my dick as I'm walking. Like, I'm like two blocks away. I'm calling my mother telling I what happened. Wait, you put the condom on while you're eating pussy?

I was a fucking idiot. It was like 17. That's prepared, I know. Yeah. Well, it was like back in the like, dude, I could just fucking stay hard for fucking 45 minutes, you know? I feel like I have to put it on like right before or else it's not. Yeah. So, so fucking, so we left, whatever and I had to come back to a house and like, her

mom talked to me about it for like, fucking it was like the most awkward thing ever. and I just remember trying not to laugh the entire time. But the broad I was with was laughing the whole time. It was fucking hilarious. Yeah. Yeah, it's scary with people's dads. Like, I'm going to fucking kill you.

I've never had anything like that. Actually, no, I have some, like, one time I was with a girl and she stayed at my house too long. And, like, it was like 4 a.m. And I was about to drive her home. And she saw, like, she had a bunch of miscalls from her dad. And so she called him back. And I could just hear her, like, yelling, him. I hear her dad yelling.

over the phone. Was it about you? You better not be hanging out with that Jake Timothy kid. Like we've been hanging out for a bit and he was like oh what are you gonna go you're gonna fucking go live

with your fucking boyfriend and I was like all right. The fuck is the people are. Can I help on? Can I clear something up here? Old people are so quick to get I'm just fucking your daughter. Old people are so quick to forget

like when they were like 17, 18. Yeah. You know it's like chill the fuck. I never understood why people are so like why parents were so freaked out like when their daughters or sons are whoring around. It's like dude like you would

literally put on earth. We can't control our hormones. Yeah. I don't know. I can't, like, put myself in the shoes. I can't either because I don't have a kid, but it's just like, chill the fuck out. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. One time I was eating my girlfriend out in, like, high school, or maybe it was like right after high school. I don't know, but sitting around and her father came home and she like panicked. She's like, I was stop, whatever. I just got dressed and we were like fine. We were in her room and he was downstairs.

And so I went downstairs and I just like talk to him for a bit. And, uh, he's like your breath smells like pussy. Your breath smells like my daughter's pussy. But we were just talking. And I was like, oh, cool, whatever.

And then I got in my car and I looked in the rearview mirror and I just had fucking pubs and my face was wet. What? Yeah, it was disgusting. How does that even happen? Like, I had like, I was trying to grow facial air. It was like 18 or 19. So I had like a sum hair,

but then I had like shit. just stuck to the side of my mouth. Yeah, and I was like, oh, like, I couldn't just fucking wash my face, like it would rub my hand. I remember one time I was, I was banging this girl at her apartment, right? So her apartment was like, right here and say like on that other wall was the other apartment, right? Her neighbor sucked, right? And she was, we were a lot. We'd fuck like, like, we were both very mentally ill and not on medication at the time. And we'd fuck like animals. It was the craziest fucking sex I ever had. And so the neighbors used to always punch the wall. It's my boy right. there.

The neighbors used to punch the wall, right? So one night we're banging and they're punching the wall, whatever. We just ignore them. What are we supposed to do? You know what I mean? It was like, we were like drugs to each other. So we bang or whatever and we're laying down. And I remember we were going to bed.

The next, I remember the next morning we were going to Chicago and fucking someone knocks on the door, right? And I remember she goes, the police are outside, right? I was like, so I freak the fuck out. I'm like hiding in the bathroom and shit, right? and I'm like, wait, I don't think I did anything like terrible because I just automatically assumed the police. Yeah.

So I go to the door. Did you know how old she was for sure? What? The girl? Yeah. Yeah, she's like my age. Oh, okay. So you're not.

No, it was. So. That would be scary. I think it was one night's day. No, I was just thinking of other things. So I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to go to the door.

So I go to the door and I'm barely, I have like a pair of shorts on. And they're just like, yeah, we need you to keep it down. The neighbors are pretty complaining and stuff. So I remember we were just, the entire time the cops talking was we'd just die and laugh.

Like we're just fucking dying laughing. Her neighbors were such douchebags. Anyways, like a week later, we look in like her local newspaper in her town and it said like there was a complaint and it was her address and stuff as fucking. It was amazing. It said like there was a complaint on

the street of loud moaning and I remember just being like how the fuck did they put that in the newspaper? I couldn't believe it. You should have called them up. Be like, can you name the suspects? Yeah. Yeah. I should have. I should have.

Oh, yeah. I missed that brud. How's everybody else? How was your trip to D.C. last week? It was good. It was good. Yeah, I'm thinking about going back down next week for inauguration day. What's fun?

What'd you do in D.C.? You didn't watch the news? Yeah, I was hanging out. Oh, shit. I'm totally kidding. No. Was I the only one, dude? I saw that. I've been so bored because of COVID.

I saw that. And I was like, God damn. That looks like so much fun, right? Yeah. It really does. Yeah, it looks like a blast. Sure. It's a terror.

I didn't even register that anything negative. was happening until like at the end of it. When I turned on CNN and like Anderson Cooper was fucking editorializing like this is the fall of democracy. I was like, oh, this is people are actually upset about this. Yeah, it was like it looked so much fun because I was like too, fuck into her dining. I want to steal a podium. Like that looks like a. Oh yeah.

Like I know they're all going to go to jail and it was definitely the most ridiculous thing to do. But it's also just like after being cooped in like that's the only outlet for people now. Absolutely. I understand why these people acted like that. You know, especially too when you factor in that most people don't have anything going on. Yeah, everybody's just bored. This psychopath I know from back home, he puts fucking 200 Facebooks, Instagram stories up every day. And it's all about like the corruption of our government and stuff like that.

And it's just like, I just feel like telling them like, get a fucking hobby. You know what I mean? Like when you, but then you factor not having like a life and then being locked inside. Yeah. I understand why this happened. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? exactly like it's 100% because people like i understand obviously like trump is like you know getting

people all hyped up and shit and like people are crazy but like at the same time it's like dude people have nothing to do right now and yeah they're just yeah they're whiling out yeah i just i love like the all of the displays of just complete like distributed it's retardary where like people who have jobs are posting pictures of themselves there like there was one guy wait wait oh i thought you're saying they like photoshopped it in I want people to look like I had fun this weekend. Like the guy who got into Pelosi's office and shit, he's posting his face doing that.

He's a fucking idiot. Yeah, that's very dumb. There was a fucking a state rent representative from West Virginia who went and he had to resign. He was arrested and he resigned. Yeah. Well, that's why people at music festivals wear those things. Like, that's why people wore masks originally at raves.

Yeah. Because people couldn't, in pictures, people couldn't see like, oh, this so-and-so is out at these underground raves and shit when shit got, like, posted. It would be cool to see it. And this also has Vicks on it when you're rolling on Molly. feels minty. It would be, it is cool to like see that.

Like, I remember I went to the Trump's inauguration in 2017. And, uh, and I went down there. And, like, the main reason I went down there is because I wanted to see crazy people. You know what I mean? And I saw fucking lunatics. Like, I saw crazy, crazy people. And I told me and my buddy said, I go, we'll never miss an inauguration ever again. And, but I don't know if I'm going to be, I'm not, I don't, I'm definitely not going

next week or whatever. Yeah, because it's going to be sketch. It's going to be chaotic. But I'm like, I also, like, I want to go again just to see it. I mean, we saw people protesting and getting tackled and like doing just wild shit, you know. Dude, you and me were talking about this last time I saw you. Or maybe before that we were just like, people are really upset about all the shit going on. But like, isn't just the chaos kind of fun?

Yeah, absolutely it is. It's fun to just see you turn on the news and there's absolute chaos going on in the city you live in. It's pretty fun. That day, that day, was it last Wednesday? day or whatever it was when all that shit went down. I turned on, I never watched the news. I turned it on thinking I was just going to watch it for five minutes. I was sitting there for four hours just watching this shit.

Yeah, it's very entertaining. And that's what I'm saying. I go, dude, the last time I watched the news for like four hours was probably like, I have no idea, like when the fucking Patriots won a Super Bowl or something. You know what I mean? It was never like, I go, oh, this is, I hooked my computer up to my TV and sat back on the couch. I'm like, damn, I want a glass of wine right now.

Yeah, I get drunk and watch this. Yeah, see what happens. Yeah. No, it's, yeah. And my thing too is like I understand like I said politically I'm in the middle I don't really give a shit I'm a dip shit like I'm fucking 24 I have no idea anything about politics. Same yeah. But like it is like I do understand if you did think your election was stolen why you not maybe not storm the

capital like a fucking dickhead but like I do get why people protest if you thought the election you know what I mean? Like if you thought there was like some weird compromise but I was hearing somebody say that like there's a weird conspiracy theory that the election was stolen and that Trump is going to kidnap Biden. And then apparently they're going to have holograms of both of them. But really, there's something else totally different going on. That'd be awesome.

Yeah, it's out there. I like experience. It's fun. I don't know. The weird thing about this, the people that storm the capital, did you know that Alex Jones like denounces QAnon? Like,

when Alex Jones is saying you're out of your fucking mind, you're probably out of your fucking mind. That's awesome. You're just like, oh, what do you guys? Come on, this is crazy.

QAnonon, Jesus. I love this. Anyways, interdimensional space elves are going to rape your daughter and your I love this so much that's fucking great I've been uh the one I don't really buy into

is Bigfoot though that one's just too like I don't know that one's I mean there's a lot I don't believe in but Bigfoot I don't see any that's the most fun to me because it's not like a conspiracy

it's just like maybe this guy is out there yeah that's a good point because it's not really and it's like also that one's fun because like he doesn't have a crazy amount of power if we see him

we could just fucking kill him have you seen the movie strange wilderness yeah yeah it's so I'm not if you've ever not seeing it, whatever. It's not an incredible movie,

but they go to find Bigfoot, and when they see him, they freak out and all just murder him. It's like a nature show, but then they like freak out. And they write like a suicide note and make it look like he hung himself. Oh man, that movie's fucking great.

It's so stupid. Dude, any more of those fucking just ridiculous movies that, I don't know. Look at the shit that's popping up is these Netflix previews. We're watching on Michael Goods TV. It's like, it's not mine. Netflix screen savers,

and it's just one of the movies just said, see it says category, said, feel good sitcom kids, one of them just said suburban dysfunction. Is that what we're looking forward to in this fucking country now? Suburban dysfunction? Yeah. You know, that's...

They don't make just fucking funny, just stupid, funny movies. It has to have, I think he's, I like Pete Davidson, but every movie now, like Pete Davidson has to have a serious role and then it's got to have a heartfelt moment. I'm like, why not just like, I don't know, I want to see a movie about a guy who works at a grocery store

that, like, wins a lottery or something stupid. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, like fucking, you know, Eddie Murphy movies or Will Ferro movies. Yeah. Why does every fucking movie have to be socially conscious or like funny and dramatic? Because everyone wants to be a fucking hero. It's the same way everyone's telling you. Same way everyone's telling you, oh, you got to go out and vote.

You got to go out and vote. You know what I mean? That's why when people were reminding me to go out and vote, especially because they never told you who to vote for. I was like, you know what I am going to go out and vote. Now I'm going to vote for fucking Trump. You know what I mean? And people are like, no, no, don't vote. No, you told me to vote.

I can't even walk by the fucking Levi store to get a guy. the empire of genes without these people telling me to fucking vote. I tell people I didn't vote because I was a big fan of both of them and I just couldn't decide between the two. Some guy goes to me. I want to tell people just like, I didn't vote this year. I'm like, wait, is it important? Was it important? I don't. Yeah. I didn't think it was a big deal this year. It was rigged

anyways. Some fucking... I don't have Twitter. Some dude comes... The night, the day when they announced Biden won that Saturday, right? I was at Washington Square Park with one of my friends and we're just sitting there like having a drink and smoking. And it was chaos in the park. There's I don't know, 10,000 people in the park playing music.

and potty and some guys standing next to me. I don't know. I got a weird vibe from him right when he was standing next to me. And he's like, hey, who'd you vote for? Right? And I'm like, first of all, what kind of fucking question is that? So I was just like, oh, I didn't want to tell this guy to fuck off either because it looked like he would just pull a knife out and stab me.

So obviously, because he was black. But so he asked me, he goes, who'd you vote for? And I said, oh, I didn't vote. He said, why didn't you vote? I was like, oh, I just wasn't in the country. He's like, you didn't do any like absentee ballots, something like that. I go, oh, I'm a convicted felon. He goes, you know felons can vote.

And I'm like, I'm sorry. I had to leave, bro. I'm gay. I don't know. I'm like, what? It's creeping me the fuck out, man. I don't see, you know, it's fucking weird. I wish we had a sound effect for every time Ryan racially profiled someone.

The guy wasn't even black, too. No, I knew you were just fucking around. That's the funny thing. Because every episode I listened back to it. And I'm like, oh, people are going to take all that the wrong way. Like, last week I was talking about the bad kinds of racism. Like, I know it's all. bad. But the whole point I was trying to make is that like

I'm trying to say like that like somebody who makes like a bad accent. Like I don't think that's the same level as somebody who like actually puts down other races to make. Because like everybody has racist impulses and like obviously we should all work on them. But I don't think that makes you a terrible person just because like you have like a little thought in your head that like you would like to fix. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like if you're working at it, as long as it's not like you're very slowly working at it. You're like I've only talked shit about Jews four times this week. Like I'm working at it. Why are people mad? It's like, well. you know, to some degree, work on it harder. I don't know.

I definitely like, I've run into instances where like, like, I, my humor, I'm just like, if I make a racial joke, someone really doesn't understand that that's like something you can joke about. Yeah, yeah. And that's maybe be like, all right, maybe I should like look at the way I would use this as a tool for humor. But I don't know. I feel like there's a place for it where people just have to understand where the fuck you're

coming from. Yeah, that's why, that's why when people get upset. Yeah, that's what I just go deeper and deeper when people say shit like that. You know what I mean? Like, granted, I do comedy so I don't take, this is the thing I realized too. I remember one of my old girlfriend, she used to always say like, oh, you know, life isn't just fucking comedy and all this shit. And you know what I mean? Well, now it is. You know, I broke up with her and it's like, I treat everyone. I talk to 99% of the people the same way I'm talking to you guys. You know what I mean? The only people I, you know, I mean, actually, I think I talked to everyone that way. So it's like, I'm just going to keep fucking doing it. Yeah, yeah.

You know, I don't care. Especially because it's like, I know that I'm not a racist person. So it's like, that's why I feel comfortable saying racist shit. Because listen to my voice. Every time people hear me talk, they're like, oh, yeah, this kid regularly uses the fucking N word. It says all types of things of shit. So it's like, you know what? You're going to make assumptions about me.

I'm going to lean into it so hard that it's going to make you uncomfortable. And then you just back them up into a corner. Absolutely. And I'm not stopping doing that anytime either. That's fun because people think they have like so much. power by just saying like, I think you're a racist. Oh, yeah. And then when you're just like, yeah, I'm a fucking racist.

Yeah. Oh, shit. Because that's not cool. Bro, it's not cool to assume really anything about anyone, but especially something as serious as labeling someone as like a racist or a homoval. Yeah, because I valued that that's a bad thing. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Absolutely. You know how terrible that is in real life. So that's why when people say shit, you know, and I run into all the time where like, there's been a countless amounts of times where I've said words like retarded or like, I'll lean into jokes where it's like people think I'm going to say the end word and then I throw something else at the end and it's like I don't like if y'all gonna assume that about me then I'm gonna no we're gonna assume it as much as we possibly can you know because it's just strange you know yeah and it's like also like a lot of times the like point of the racist joke is like that you're laughing

at the guy who said it yes like that louis sike joke where he's like babies come out fucked up and he's like some babies come out like chinese it's like that's not a specific racial stare it's just a funny like you could feel in any race like that it's like the joke is just funny because the way he's setting it up and then he says something horrible. But it's like, you're never like, nobody's going to hear that and then think differently of Chinese baby. You know what I mean? It's like.

No, yeah. It's just like a really offbeat way to offend you. Yeah, exactly. Playing on a stereotype or like, you know, referencing years of racial. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. 100%. And it's like the act that people in this year in 2021 are still racist is funny to me because

it's just like how stupid people are. Yeah. Well, like the best is like there's a game show host and this guy. basically the game shows that you give people money. And this one game show host is like, I'm not going to give Derek money on the count of the fact that he's black. He's just like, I just don't like him. And he's like,

but that's so funny that somebody's so casually a horrific. You don't what I mean? Like, wait, what? This is a TV show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, they're like, what? He's like, I've met him. I hung out with him.

I just don't like black people. But he's like so, like, he acts as if he's going to like walk out the studio. He's like, you know what? I'm glad I said that. Like, he's like, you know what? This is on network television? Yeah, the guy's like Polynesian, but it's just so, it's so funny. And there's a black guy who's like, dude, you wrote in with me today.

He's like, I'm speaking in a general sense. It's like, how much more general can you be? You're talking about it. But it's like, that's so funny that somebody's so casually just like, and he's like kind of grin on a little. He's like, hey, this is who I am, guys. That's so fucking funny. If you're not going to accept me, then I don't even know why. That shit is hilarious.

Because that's like the most saying, I don't like black people is just the most standard sentence to be raised. Like, that's like, that's not even like he said something and say. Yeah, there's no creativity. There's no, there's no way you could twist that and be like, like, we're talking about being funny and like joking around and like really taking it to something. You can't do that at all. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God.

That's insane. Yeah. Yeah. It's also funny too, like the, uh, yeah, because like I agree to an, like, if I, I try to. Nice. What? The audience can't see it. We're actually, we're fingering each other right now.

You have no idea. We're all. Cock grabbing. What crotch grabbing? We just started laughing because Jake started miming the N-word to us off of the microphone.

He was just miming it to us with a hot hour at the end of it, mind you. Yeah, Ryan's just slowly taking his pants off and presenting his assholes. Are there swastika tattoo? No, those are windows, actually.

They were covered up. I don't know how you would mouth the end. I think it's not something that you, fuck, you can clearly see when people say it like with their mouth. But I'm not going to mime the N-word, but you were also jerking off. I mean, if you see a white person,

say it. You could probably tell because their eyes are like filled with fire. Yeah, you can just see that. You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like pointing at a cab driver and you're like, you're like, all right, I didn't need to hear the audio. That's what I think I get the gist of what he's trying to, try to communicate.

Yeah. Did you see a... Just get to clarify for the audience, so you don't have to cut it out because I like some of this. Jake Timothy did not actually mouth the N words. No, he was... I would you say it, miming, jerking off, given the old... Yeah. Yeah, Ryan, look into my eyes for too long. And I panicked.

I thought you were going to say something. He was just doing the Nazi salute. But anyways, you've, you know, he's a HBO. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a Tiger Woods document. Oh, so good. It's fucking great. The second part looks even better. The second part is where they get into all like the shit. They just had the girl sat down at the end. Did you watch this,

Michael Good? No. Oh, yeah. And she looks like such a tramp. Oh, she is. It's the waitress of like a Benigans, right?

Or something like that. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. Dude, that's what my favorite thing about Tiger Woods is that dude is like the richest athlete in American history probably. And all of

the women he bangs are like they like own restaurants and shit. They're not like playmate models. It's just like... Own restaurants. One of them was like a fucking... A waitress. Yeah. His current girlfriend was like a hostess at a restaurant. Good for him. He's an everyday guy.

No, he's not. What are you talking about? But also, I don't know. I feel like maybe... Actually, I don't know. You got to watch it. They show his caddy. The guy who was his catty. He was a good friends with his dad and when they were training him. His dad, like, used hypnosis on him as a kid. What?

Yeah, his dad... His dad... His dad was a green... Tiger Woods' dad was a green beret in Vietnam, and he was like... So they went... They used to golf at this naval golf course that was only for, like,

ex-military people and stuff. So Tiger Woods, his dad used to bring him to this golf course, and they used to just hypnotize him to be good at golf, so they'd be distracted and stuff, and he'd be putting and shit. It'd just be, like, laser focus locked in. It's like a military training technique.

Yes. But he's using it on a fucking 12-year-old while he's golfing. So he's, anyway, so they're sitting there, whatever, and Tiger Woods would be golfing. And his dad, who's married to his mom, and then his caddy would just be like screwing girls and trailers and shit in front of him. And he'd just be out there, like, practicing and stuff.

Yeah. His dad would drive a Winnebago to the golf course. Yeah. And then while Tiger was putting, they would, him, the dad, Earl Woods and the caddy would just go and bang. Just random women. It's a two-part series. And then, so this was all about, like, his childhood up until, like, when his dad died.

And then the second part's going to be all these hookers and shit went off the rail farm. I bet you he gets into some weird shit. Of course he does. I respect it. Yeah, man. But it's, he's, it's really fascinating. Like, I remember when I was a kid, he was, like, the most dominant athlete. Absolutely.

Oh, yeah. In my frame of, like, that I knew of. Yeah. He's fucking crazy. He's like a baseball club, right? Golf club. You probably just have so many of golf at the time, man. They probably just have so many of those around the house.

Yeah. That's a, that's wild. Well, it's also crazy because he was like a black dude dominating golf. Yeah, which is the whitest sport on the planet. Absolutely. Like, dude, I feel like I'm not even white enough to golf. You know what I mean? And it was like one of those.

And he was dominant at it. That was a crazy thing too. Like his dad was, um, his dad like held him. His dad like pretty much wanted him to be like the like, what's the fucking guy's name like a Jackie Robinson type he wanted him to like break he wanted him to like smash it on you're that like with that way he's like talking about him at that

when he's introducing Tiger at that press conference and he's like my son is a god among man yeah and he's like he's like 17 the best shit though is they're interviewing Tiger Woods and then they go what do you identify as and he goes I'm Coblin Asian or something like that and the guy goes Coblin Asian he goes Caucasian

black Indian and Asian he goes that's how I identify and like a lot of black people will pissed at him you know what I mean yeah And it's like because they wanted him to claim black. Sure. Yeah. But that must be, that must be really tough,

especially in America to have such like a diverse, ethnic background like that. And then when he'd be comedy, be fucking sick. Dude, I could say whatever the fuck I want. Strap the fuck in. Yeah.

But he's, I don't know, to be like a professional athlete and everyone's like, you're our guy. And he's like, actually I'm no one's guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Doing it for me. Yeah, that's hard. I, last time I went golfing, I, I did. I that's probably from what I'm going to explain in a second so I my buddies were going

golfing and I was like can I just do a bunch of whippets on the golf course hell yeah and they're like yeah sure so I just went golfing with my friends and just did so much that's probably why I couldn't finish that sentence earlier because my brain is screwed up from whippets but it was just so funny that like some people drink beers in the golf course and I was like I'm so but then I tried golfing on whippets and is the most have you done whippets I did one whip it once it was I was like rolling around on the hill I could just, like, see my friends, and I could see the groups behind us. She's getting, like, so angry. Yeah.

I want to do drugs. You're not really a drug guy, right? No. I've never, other than drinking and smoking weed. Sorry. Other than drinking and smoking weed, I've never done any drugs. Now is the time to start. Yeah, I want to do mushrooms really badly.

Yeah, that's like a positive drug. That's like, I've heard very few people die. Yeah, no, I've never done mushrooms. I've done LST, which is, I like that a lot. I feel like that would be a little bit too much for me. Really? I'm going to start off of mushrooms. From what I've heard is that mushrooms are more like, I mean, you've done mushrooms.

Yeah, mushrooms are, everybody has different experience. Mushrooms are more intros. Well, mushrooms last way less long. That's why I want to be nine hours with fucking ass. But also the problem with all of those are like your perceptive time is totally fucked. So like you look at your watch. You're like, this is totally meaningless because I feel like I've been in this room for like nine years. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to do that. I'm going to do. Because the reason I didn't. I wanted to do mushrooms in the summertime, and I had a chance, but I was on fucking medication, and then I quit my medication on Sunday, so now I can fuck around, and I'm going to.

Yeah, yeah. Now, I feel like in the city, though. I would hate doing mushrooms in the city. I was going to do it in, like, the park. Like, I'd love to do it in Washington Square and just watch. How many, like, meth heads, though? I feel like... I did acid...

It kind of weird. The first time I did it alone, and I took it on the train coming into the city, and then I walked from Penn Station up, to the Met, which is like, I don't know. 50 blocks. Pretty long.

52 blocks. Yeah, but you walk like a long central park for most of it and it was like really sick. And then I just walked around the Met for like three hours. And it was fucking sick. But then it lasts like tens. Yeah, it lasts a long time.

But it like it peaks and then it starts to go down. Is it cool? If I wanted to do mushrooms, right, say for the first time, would it be cool if I just did them and then just walked around even though it's freezing outside? You have to have someone to do mushrooms.

I would say like, I don't know, I would just go upstate and like, find like a hiking trip and just be like I'm going to be hiking for but also like I don't know it's kind of like it's good to be outdoors but it's better if it's like a log cabin or something where you have a home base or if you have a campground because it's kind of like if you're hiking for hours you're going to kind of like sit down. That's why if I go to like Central Park I can be home in 10 minutes. You know what I mean. Yeah. Central Park could be fine. I think it's not. If you get deep enough in there, it's kind of naturey. Yeah. I'm also I like this city because no matter what how much drugs you do, you're not going to be on the most drugs. There's going to be somebody else. That's 100% of doing. O-Ding on heroin. Yeah, dude, that was the crazy.

We did this mic in fucking, in Central Park North, or no, I think it was in Harlem. It was Marcus Garvey Park. And this dude OD'd on heroin. And then we just did the mic afterwards. If you brought it up after the fourth comic, it was like hacky to bring up this guy. But this dude, I remember he was like shooting up.

And then some guy was like sketched out and they were moving the needles and stuff. We're like, hey, do you guys need some help? And then they're like, yeah. Who's the ambulance drivers? No, no. The ambulance drivers could not have been more relaxed. They're like, that's the guy who's ODing on heroin and co-crime.

I'll walk up there. And they're like so casual. They walked up. They're like, it was crazy. I was like, dude, he's ODing.

Like, what do you guys? They're going so slow. Yeah, but when you see that 25 times a day, like, you know. Yeah, it was nuts.

And I felt so cool talking to the, what's it called though? Because I was talking to the paramedic, I was like, because the guy told me he was doing coke and heroin. I was like, yeah, this guy was speedballing over here.

I'm using these terms. Like, that'll make him think I was cool. But then the guy who was, I guess he was an uncle and nephew situation. He was like, yeah, it's my uncle. We were doing coke and heroin and, yeah. That's a tight family.

I want to chill with them. Yeah. Yeah, but he's like, I'm going to hang out over here and just watch the whole thing go down. I'm like, yeah, you're good. Do your thing. And then we, yeah, somebody else called the paramedics, but I, yeah. We had a guy at my, the mic I used to host at Washington Square Park in the summer. I got there early.

I used to get there early sometimes and just write and hang out and eat lunch. So we were there early one time. It was one other comic. It was his first time ever at the mic. He was from like fucking California. somewhere far out west and uh so he's like oh so this is the mic he's like there must be like crazy people around here all the time right so you know how the washington it was just like the circle of benches so we're sitting like right in the middle so like three four benches

over from us there's a guy who's clearly pretty experienced and smoking crack and then there's a guy just in a suit like a guy like yeah a guy like another guy who looked like he was just at work i go you ever see someone smoke crack before he's like no why go look over there and the dude who was who you could tell smoke crack puts the glass pipe in his mouth and fucking flamed up for him. And the kid just was like, yo, what the fuck, bro? He's like, who's like, I'm like, well,

welcome to comedy in New York. You know, it's gonna be people smoking crack in the park. He's like, it'll be a little, I don't know, and then they just took off. Yeah. Had you ever seen someone smoke crack before? It was just more so funny because the guy was like, clearly, like, you wouldn't just wear

a suit and shoes to go smoke crack. Like, he was clearly doing something and then met up with this guy to, it was probably his first a second time smoking crack or he's relapsing. Yeah. I saw it one time. My favorite one time I saw it and I almost like high five with the woman because she took such a big rip of crack.

And I was like I'm walking like up out of the, I forgot what station it was but like right into the Times Square. And I'm listening to When you're Cal, Dr. Feel Good. And then I just see this woman just like She's hitting it and she's like And she took the biggest hit of crack. She exhaled and I was like, fuck yeah.

I was like so hyped. I was like dude, fuck yeah. Let's get it. I want to smoke crap. so bad but it's like I've seen like some of my very very close friends of smoke crack and it's fucking destroyed their lives like I wish I could do it like once or twice but like some people can

but everybody starts that way and I just tried fucking espresso for the first time the other day and now it's like I just want to keep drinking this shit so I feel like if I'm wearing pajamas under your jeans room I'm out of underwear right now I was supposed to do my laundry last night are those pajamas pants yeah they are I think they're from you are you sure you haven't already started smoking crack

what are you talking about you're sure there isn't crack in the inside What are you wearing under your jeans right now? So I freeballed for years and then eventually my girlfriend's like, you got to put on it. Because fucking Florida scumbag. You're wearing a pair of jeans with nothing under? Oh, yeah.

Jesus. I'd wear khakis all the time on stage with no fucking boxers. And my girlfriend told me one time, I can see the outline of your dick head. And then I realized that I was like, dude, I went on stage probably not even kidding, like a year and a half. Apparently, you could just see the head of my penis while I'm like talking about stuff.

I thought it was right where the seam is, you know, the zipper, but apparently it was just going to the side, and you could just see, like, it's like literally the brim of the tip. You know what I'm talking about? I know exactly talking about it, because I can see when I sleep at night and, like, and I sleep in only pajamas of basketball shorts, you can see my dickhead as well.

Do you shake before you go on stage? That's the worst is when you shake and you get pissed on your pants, and then you have to go on stage, like, right then. I've had that happen, and I'm like, oh, God. Using the word dickhead, the way it's supposed to be used is fucking awesome, but I usually just call people dickheads. That word doesn't, there's no, because are you saying they are the head of a penis or

their head is a penis? No, you're right the dickhead. The head, the CEO of my penis. Yeah. I'm the CEO. I'm the chairman. The fucking nucleus of my cock. Can you suck the nucleus?

Put the nucleus in your mouth. It is. The nucleus of your cock. Oh, yeah, until the mitochondria come out. I don't know if that's the right. Goldie apparatus. My thing is, I whip pajamas underneath because it keeps my shit so warm.

I'm like, my legs get cold. And then I'm out of underwear. I got to do my fucking laundry. Boston's cold in New York, right? Well, Boston's like, probably wear a long underwear, right? Yeah, because Boston's on the ocean. Like, dude, like, it's,

sea breeze. Yeah, it's fucking freezing. If you, if you nickname your penis of the nucleus, I feel like you can't, like, get hard. You can only nickname a penis the nucleus if it's just like perpetually soft. No, but it's intelligent.

Or it thinks what it wants. I don't know. I would never name my dick. I never a fan of when I heard people do that name when they're dick. I, uh, I've never named it, but I just draw faces on. I blacked out on this cruise and I found all these videos in my girlfriend's phone that I made where I'm like, where's the money?

I don't know, I don't know. It's going like, you can't really do bubbles. What do you drown in it? What do you drown in it? Just like a cup of water that I probably drank out of later. You know, like, I remember like he used always joke about like trashy Florida people and shit. I was like, oh, he's not like this.

And then every time I hang out with this guy, it's just more and more stories where I think back to when I met him, I was like, yeah, I was so wrong. I was so wrong. I'm a piece of shit. That's why I like hanging out with you. Yeah. Do you ever, when you free ball, do you ever take your pants off and there's just like a streak of diarrhea in the back? No, because I don't shit my pants.

What are you? What do you have to look like? Do you ever have to like? I have, I have just, I just shit my pants all the time. I guess you do. I don't have to. But I feel like it's not like the reason you wear underwear is so you don't get shit and piss on your pants. I wipe really hard and I'm good.

No, because you don't want your fucking dick. going against fucking denim jeans. Yeah, jeans. I'll be honest. You're shipper enough. You're taking a piss. I know, but I don't like jeans in general.

They make my balls hurt. Just get a good fit. You're in tight-ass jeans. Yeah. I don't know. Well, because I don't know. I got, speaking about that cruise,

I got naked on that cruise, which is so much fun. Because there was like a scavenger hunt and they were like, you got to switch clothes with somebody in the audience and I was free balling. And then I was like,

I'm just going to get totally naked. Which is great because the next day, I love it. I'm such a fucking attention whore that like the next day everybody's like, naked guy, and I was like, yeah. I don't know. How did you not get thrown off for indecent exposure?

Because it's like a spring break cruise. They're like, yeah. You could have done whatever. I don't know, maybe you'd get thrown in cruise jail, but that's like a thing. Is that a real thing? Definitely a thing. Yeah, I've only been on one cruise, but I don't like them. I don't know.

I got thrown in Grand Central Station jail. For what? I got fucking shit-faced. And I was watching these, they were filming like a TV show. It was a movie or a TV show. Chadwick Boseman, RIP, I was. watching him like literally standing right behind the director and then I just kept acting like I was supposed to be there and then they found out I wasn't supposed to be there.

So you pretend like you're an extra? Yeah, no, I pretended. I was like, yeah, I knew I wasn't pretending I was an extra and then I like mouth it off to a cop or something and they just fucking cuffed me. Yeah, it was so worth it though. Yeah, that sounds worth it. What were they filming? Madagascar?

I can't. I can't. I was the only thing I think of it was. 21 bridges. Yeah. I don't, I don't know what it was. That's definitely probably what it was, right? Yeah, yeah.

But I thought Grant, I, I went. into Grand Central because I wanted to go on the train. I went in like, you know, the big fancy, famous hallway, that thing. That's where they were filming. I was like, oh, and I just kept walking. I kept telling everyone. I was like, oh, I'm Richie's nephew. I'm Richie's nephew.

No one was saying anything to me. And then, uh, who's rich? Did you look up the director? I just made it up. I had no fucking idea. And then the guy came over to me and he was like, who are you? I was like, oh, Richie said I could watch. He was like, all right.

So then he came back with security after. I was literally standing right behind the director. And I tell you like, the director probably felt fucking uncomfortable. But I'm like, you know what? I just spent fucking 22 grand to go to acting school. I'm like, I want to see this shit happen live. Like, this is a priceless experience. So I was standing at like 20 minutes.

And yeah, it was rough. And then I got handcuffed and everyone on set was clapping while I was walking out. And like literally when I tell you it, it was like 85 extras, like all walking in the train station. They're all clapping and shit. And I'm like, oh, shit. I'm like, I'm trying to be an actor right now. And now I'm getting handcuffed in front of fucking. You should have done a scene right there.

I should have. Well, no, and then it was Columbus Day weekend, right? It was either Columbus Day of, I think it was Columbus Day weekend. So I knew it was a four-day weekend. I go, shit, I might stay in the cell for four days because they're not going to let anyone out. This was like an early Saturday morning. And I'm in the jail cell and I'm fucking fighting with the cops being an asshole. And I can hear one of the cops.

She just had a problem with me. Granted, it was probably justified. And she's like, let's just fucking keep him here for the weekend. I can hear them talking like 30 feet away. I'm like heads hanging out of the cell. And so one of the dudes comes over and he's like, Listen, he's like, I'm going to tell you this. I'm going to be 100% honest.

She has a fucking issue with you. She wants to keep you here. She's like, me? She's like, he's like, I don't want to do the fucking paperwork, all right? He's like, now just shut your fucking mouth and I can get you out of here. He goes, or else you're going to stay here. I don't want to do the paperwork. So I was like, fine, fuck it.

And I got like summons to court. Then they threw it away. I was pumped. But, uh... Yeah, it's solid. But I got to see Chadwick Boseman act, like, literally like, as close as we are right now, I got to see him act in a scene in person. And it was so worth it.

Even if I had to spend four days in jail, it would have been worth it. Yeah. That's fucking sick. Yeah, it was great. I remember the first time I met you, you were selling coat hangers. Do you remember that? No, I don't remember that, but I don't deny that either. First time I met you, you were like, yo, I'm selling coat hangers.

I do a terrible boss an accent. You're like, do you want any? We're like, no, we're like, I found him an alleyway. And then I see you go to each individual Chinese, like, a laundry place and you're trying to sell them. That does sound a little familiar. I remember you, you came to Greenwich. Greenwich Comedy Club and you had just a shopping bag

filled with hangers well they were probably nice coat hangers though right they were just assorted like somewhere plastic and somewhere wooden yeah because I wouldn't I wouldn't sell the fucking shit ones I wonder if I sold you sold metro cards too

and those were actually solid I don't know people used them they were great you know it was fucking ridiculous about that I remember selling those metro cards everyone made fun of me and thought it was a bit or whatever and then once people found out they were legit they're like oh can't please have one of those air

and then I was sold out of them I go well you fucking people should have came up to me when I had them everyone's like oh I thought that was a bit I'm like You think I'm walking around with 40 fucking monthly metro cards? Like you think I'm just doing that? I'm like, I got to pay rent here.

Yeah, what a weird bit too. You're like, no, this will pay off. Well, no, I used to go up right when my set would start. I'd be like, hey, just so you guys know, I got 30-day unlimited metro cards, $85. Come see me after the set or whatever. I'm like, I'm not going to make money. You know what I mean? And then someone bought one.

I forget one person bought one off me and then told everyone they were legit. And then everybody's like, fuck, dude, dude, I've been seeing him for weeks. Yeah, I go, I couldn't, I sold them all to everyone in acting school. Yeah. A lot of them ended up getting canceled. Oh, the match. Are they talking about the actors? No.

They were very successful. All of them got canceled just for being in a room with the guy from Boston. They're like, yeah, a lot of those kids in acting school, they're waiting for me to get canceled. But it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. Yeah. You were uncanceled. Well, yeah, because I haven't done anything with my fucking career.

That's why I'm uncancelable. You haven't done. Jerry Springer is coming out soon, though. Once my Jerry Springer episode drops, that's legit. Oh, yeah. It's fucking legit. I fucking got wild. It's a dream come true.

Fuck yeah. It was emotional. I got choked up in the car right after when I was like, I was like, dude, I was like, fuck, I just did Jerry Springer. It was fucking amazing. That is awesome. I'm excited for that. Some of those shows, I forgot they're going on during COVID.

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day. And the guy, the fucking life coach is such a dick. He's like, okay, so why don't you have a job? The kid's like, well, there's a pandemic going on. He goes, see, these are excuses. I'm like, what the fuck? You're your fucking asshole. See, these are, you know, maybe.

You get a network television job like me, the life coach asshole on Dr. Phil. Meanwhile, there's no one in the audience of Dr. Phil, you know. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, you know, listen, my parents, I came out as gay and that was hard for me. He's like, this is a different thing. This is like a global pandemic. And like this guy can't find a job. He says the opposite.

Dude, I, I came to say to my parents. Do you mind to talk? Are you allowed to talk about it? What? Jerry Springer? Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to give too much away. I'll tell a little bit.

I don't want to give too much away because I want to wait. But, yeah, it was like Jerry Springer. bring her as a new show called Judge Jerry where he's literally a judge. And so I sued somebody and it was nice to be on the plaintiff side of the court. For once. Yeah. I was like, oh, I'm in control here. And so it was nice to do that.

And, uh, dude, it was fucking amazing, man. It was just, what the fuck? There we go. Michael Good's knocking shit over. It's a nice vacuum you got there. Michael Good's house is, this is fucking, both places I went to, you've had a very, did you live with your girlfriend in the last place? No, no.

Makes sense. I can tell it. This is fucking nice, man. Stop, it's not going to give me street credit. I'm not giving you credit. I guarantee you, you didn't pick out this furniture. I have all the nice Macea magella fucking

soap in the bathroom. I know that's not yours for a fact. This coach, by the way, I'm not even lying. I want to take a picture on this thing. It's fucking beautiful. Yeah, no. She makes it nice. Yeah, no.

I can tell. I got a camera. Hell yeah. We're going to take some sick pitches. Fuck out. Let's do that. I got you, brother. Yeah.

Jerry Springer, though, again. Sorry, I want to hear it. Like it's called Judge Jerry. Yeah, and it's literally, dude, Jerry Springer came out in, so we went down to Connecticut, well, up to Connecticut, I should say, for like, they got us a hotel and shit, and we're there. And, dude, Jerry Springer just, like, they're like prepping us and like the studio, they know everything to say and all this shit.

And it was a real thing. I was really suing someone. Dude, Jerry. Can you say it was over or no? I don't want to say. It's going to come out. First of all, it already came out because one of my buddies who's been in jail for the last eight months.

I talked to him for the first time a couple weeks ago, and he saw it. So it's aired. Oh, shit. But I haven't found the actual fucking thing. But back home, I have like 70 episodes recorded. So I have to go through all the shit. But it's aired because there's no way. I'm surprised they wouldn't tell you which episode it is.

Yeah. So, uh, but anyways, then, so we're in a courtroom, an empty courtroom because of COVID. And then Jerry Springer just comes walking out and a fucking judge's robe and God, bro, I started laughing the second I saw him walk out on the thing. And then the guy's like, come on. Just calm down. I was like, dude. I'm like, it's Jerry Springer.

And then I'm like sitting here and it's like hitting me. I'm like all the times I skipped school as a kid and would watch fucking Jerry Springer, Maury, fucking Steve Wilcoe. I'm like, this is like, this is why I went to acting school. You know what I mean? That's what nobody says though.

No, no. So I'm like, this is what I did, you know? And then so once I, once this episode comes out, I'm going to send it to my school, the Lee Strasberg Theater and Film was a two, the school literally saved my life. I'm going to send it there because they always put like, one of my good friends, right? She's on the West End right now. That's like Broadway in London,

right? She got a massive, massive thing right before COVID started. They had a big write-up on her and stuff. She's in all my classes and stuff, and I'm super happy for her. But now I'm going to tell them, I'm going to send my Jerry Springer episode in and be like, listen, like, I'm doing this for the school. I'm putting the school on my fucking back. You know what I mean? And I know whoever runs the I know they're just going to shut it down. But I'm going to do it. It'd be funnier too if you're on like the bad side of it too. You're probably on the good stuff. be funny of good on this show.

I'm going to tell you when people watch this show when the audience that watches Jerry Springer watches us they're going to look at me like disgusted. Yeah and that's what I want, dude.

That's all the whole point of the shit. Yeah, yeah. I do this shit for fun, dude. I tell people it's like I want to talk on one of my friends and she's an actress, right? And she has a career for herself as an actress and she's,

I mean, she's in a position where she can choose what she wants to do. She's like, do you really want to do Jerry Springer? Like, how do you think that's going to look for a career. I was like, I don't give a, I'm here to have fun. I'm like, I can't possibly get off for Jerry Springer and say no to it. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Like, what? Like, this isn't a,

like, I do this for fun because I love it. And it was like the craziest thing in the world. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. I can't wait. I'm just going to keep doing. And I have some other big shit planned that I'm going to do. And it's going to take a couple years. But I know it's going to, it's going to happen, you know. You should make like a promo for it with the, the, the, dude that you went to court with. Yeah, I should do something before I gotta do something. He's just like, make a sketch or something where you like fight.

Yeah, I'll do something. That's, I'm so curious. I guess we can't talk about you, but that's exciting. It is, it's, it is exciting. Yeah, I, uh, I like, I wasn't, yeah, my brain isn't functioning today. I was gonna get on another show. I can't name it, but uh, I can't, fuck, I can't say it, but it's a huge,

Go hunters, please? No, no. It's a huge show. I would love to see him. He's like, this fucking alien. I believe in aliens. No, I do too, but it would just be funny here. You're...

But the thing is, like, I'm just gonna, like, I don't know. I'm just excited. I'm very... This pandemic's been great to me. Yeah, that's most people that are alive right now. It's been... I've kind of had an advantage with it, too. Like, it's...

I know people at home are like, god damn, my fucking grandma died. He's talking about how much fun he's had. Yeah, no, I know. That's why, like, like, 2020 was... When I tell you 2020 was the best year of my life. It's not even close. So far, I know the years are going to get better, but it was the best year of my life.

Yeah. Yeah. Not for a lot of people. But I guess, dude, the thing is, I think things might actually fucking open up. Did you see Cuomo's tweet? Yeah, he said, we can't stay like this forever or something like. Which is so funny because, like, everybody's been saying that to him forever. But he's like, hey, maybe we should open up.

And he's like, no, no, no. And now he's like, guys, I think we should open up. And we're like, well, yeah. But I don't know the answer. You got to remember, though. He's talking about New York State, though, too. He's like, he's not just talking. Like, dude, he wanted to go to the Bills game on Saturday night.

He was going to go to the Bills game. And, like, I guess one of his advisors was like, yeah, you probably shouldn't do that. Dude, I would be so pissed if I was a fucking small business owner that's being shut down. And then you see Cuomo with the Bills game, like, hey, what's up? Did you guys read my new book? Ridiculous. Yeah. Oh, man.

Yeah. I don't, I think he'll open shit up more, but he probably won't open up, like, performances. Oh, no, I'm sure comedy clubs. No, we're going to be the last thing that opens up. Yeah, man. I've heard there's a weird conspiracy that comedy clubs, because it's, of entertainment, they're somehow doing something

where like apparently there's some weird conspiracy that they really don't want strip clubs and shit like that to open so they're kind of clumping it all together so people don't get super pissed off because they're like, all right, the second we say one thing,

it's kind of the floodgates, you know what I mean? Like if comedy clubs are open, Broadway is going to be like, what the fuck? And then apparently strip clubs will get mad too. Strip clubs were open though.

Which, well, in Jersey, I don't know about New York. In New York and the summertime they were. How? They just were. There was no indoor. One of my friends told me he was going to a strip club, but I didn't believe him.

I asked a couple other kids and they were open. Also, not, when you leave the city, it's pretty open. Well, New York State, yeah. Yeah. But I'm pretty sure who's at New York City strip clubs. I also don't think they're following the rules too aggressively. Do you guys think I should start an open mic at a strip club when all this shit opens back up? Yeah, that would be awesome.

Yeah. But during the summer, people were like pretty laxed. Even like, no one was really enforcing the rules. That's when it was. That's when he was telling me that it was over. It was over the summertime. I went to a salon one time. And somebody, my roommate, I had a fucking, uh,

I get an egg sandwich for the next morning, very relevant to the story. But my roommate, I get locked out, so I have to go meet my roommate. He's like, you're partying to the salon. And then we get into the salon and there's this like, like, Yugoslavian, like Eastern European guy like DJing with like, you know, the same care cut Ardenaz. You know, that kind of like thing. And it's like, it's like probably midnight. And this guy's like, you guys, like, you guys have liked a drink. And we're like, yeah, we're drinking with this guy.

And then it's like inside of the hair salon. But then it got so weird because like they started yelling at each other. And the girl starts, like, punching. And I'm like, dude, I was just trying to get my keys to go home. And then this guy's girlfriend's punching him. And then he's like trying to get her in control. He pushes her out of the salon. And then, yeah, it was a mess.

This is the one time I called the cops because, like, I don't know if he's going to kick that girl's ass. You know, it's funny. I remember you told me about this because I remember you like, hey, I got locked out of my house. And I was like, hey, Michael, good walk over. Because you used to live kind of close to me. I was like, if you want to, you know, come home my house. And you're like, dude, I think I'm going to call the cops. You know, I just felt uncomfortable.

Yeah, yeah. Because that's the hard part. like he was controlling the situation because the guy was holding his girlfriend that was trying to punch him and shit and like throw shit at him but I'm like I don't know if you know what I mean I'm like this is I was trying to get it that's like the only time I've probably ever called the cops about shit because I'm like yeah because it's like dude that guy if he would just beat the shit out of his girlfriend I'd feel horrible but I you know what I mean it's like public domestic dispute I'm like I don't know how to yeah same the only time I ever called the police was when I was like in another city and I thought this person that I was talking to on the phone was like about to get hurt oh yeah yeah just like some so I called the police to love the police for where they were. Other than that, I would, I just, it would take a lot for me to actually call the police.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's the two. It's like, and if the guy was like punching the girl, we would hop in and break it up. But like, it was at the point where like,

he's trying to control his girlfriend. So I'm like, all right, this is something. We got the cops call on us one time that we got in a bar fight back in Florida. And, dude,

this shit was nuts because like, we're two of our friends who are black. And then somehow there's like a dispute going on between these guys. and then one of the dudes in the fight is like trying to yell at the black guys he's like I went to seven Black Lives Matter protest this year and they're like, what the fuck is that? And then the dude, I remember I was high on ketamine

and I, my friend has somebody in like a headlock on these train tracks outside this bar and I'm literally pulling it my buddy's arm. The train tracks? The train tracks? Is in Florida? Yeah, there's train tracks right by a bar which is a horrible. Like a freight train?

It's like a, I don't know if it's traveling or for coal. I don't know what it is, but my buddy, he's like choking. this guy out and then I'm trying to, the only way I could break it up is to pull his armpit hair. So I'm pulling his armpit hair. And then I thought a good way to break up the fight was to pull my pants down and shit. And then I'm just, I just have my pants around my ankles and I'm high on. I thought it would be funny or distract.

I want attention. I told you this. And, uh, but then the guys call the cops on us and we all have to run. I'm like, dude, you literally just told us you been to seven black. What do you pulled your pants down and then what? Nothing happened. People just keep beating the shit of each other and my pants were down. What were you doing?

Were you taking a shit? No, I was just like, it would be funny to like, you know, you know, just dance. Show everyone you dick? My ass. Yeah, I thought it would be funny, but it turns out it. And then everyone just would like him stop fighting and kneel in front of your The great equalizer is Michael Goods asshole.

Also, I don't do ketamine alive. I've only done it four times, but this is one of those times. What do you do? What do you do? What do you do? It was just so funny. The guy like talking like, he's like, yeah, I bet it's seven Black Lives Matter protest. And then just immediately calls the cops when there's a fight.

And I'm like, all right. Yeah. It was a mess. That's fucking, that's like, it was such a huge thing that annoyed me this summer where all the people I grew up with who were like just, I know that they're racist. Yeah, yeah. And they were like, they had to take a picture. Yeah, they're just like, like showing up to be like, I'm part of this revolution. Like, no, you're not. People showing up getting fucked up. You're actively not helping this community.

People just showing up like drinking for seven hours. Like, hey, I'm going to go to a fucking protest. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, you're doing a lot. That was in Orlando. Those were the issues. the fucking drunk white people. Like it wasn't, like, all the black people were like, like, we're going to get fucking amazed. So let's protest peacefully.

And then like some white girl would like scream. I saw a white girl screaming a black cop and she's like, how do you fucking live with yourself? And I'm like, all right. First off, we're in Orlando. Maybe we have those issues. I'm sure it happens everywhere because like they're definitely racist cops out there. Sure. And it's definitely like a huge overall issue.

But I'm like, you're screaming at a black cop right now who probably joined the force to like help out with these issues. Absolutely. How are you not seeing the nuance of this? Like, it's wild. But then I guess some guy tried to like stab the cop. Like one guy tried to stab a cop with syringe or something. But he's like some white guy from Jacksonville. Yeah, a lot of people honestly deserve police brutality.

You know, like a lot of people, I'm not even talking about criminals. I'm just talking about people who act ridiculous. Honestly deserve a 12-pound billy club across the back of the fucking head. Just because you see the way people act on the street. You know what I mean? It's like, let's fucking relax a little bit over here. You know, people of all races deserve this shit. You know what I mean?

Male, female, all across the board. old people, young people? There are a lot of like, during those, like the protests over the summer, I saw a lot of like cell phone videos of the, just like the front line of the protests where it's like the protesters and then the cops with riot shields and shit.

And most of the people on the front line that I saw were like white people who were just like interacting with the cops so aggressively. Yeah. And like spitting on their shields and being like, you fucking pig. That's the hottest fucking job in the world.

How is this helping? Yeah, it's not, yeah. You are making them angry. What about the girl who spit on the cop's face? Did you see that? The girl was on like 6th Avenue. She spit in a cop's face a couple months ago and the dude just took her fucking down. Literally point blank in the middle of a fucking COVID.

I don't agree with that. Yeah, I don't agree with that. I'm just saying like, I don't know. I just don't think the white people that go and like aggravate the cops at these things. Because everyone wants to be a fucking hero. That's a problem. They just want to be photographed. That's what I'm saying.

If there was no social media and all that. this shit. Like, you know, a lot of these people wouldn't do that. That's why I do the opposite. Such a smaller turnout. I actually, for my social media, I post pictures of me at clan rallies, but then in real life, those are Photoshop. Yeah.

Actually go to Black Lives Matter thing. So that's how you even it out. My favorite, the doxing thing is very funny, though, where people are like, here's David. He's a neo-Nazi. Here's him at this neo-Nazi protest. And here's his Facebook profile picture. Is if his friends on Facebook have no idea that he's a Nazi? It's like, you think white supremacists are like quiet on.

Facebook. It's like nobody's going to be surprised by that. They're like, yeah, we all know that that's what he's up to. Yeah. And so like those people that showed up to the fucking Capitol Hill riot and they had like like the anti-Semitic people who had T-shirts that said like like six million was not enough.

Oh, I didn't know about that. Yeah, there were like a lot of photos of people like wearing wearing clothing that someone made. Yeah. Like it's not like a secret that these people feel that way. They went into like a print shop. Absolutely. I saw somebody had a camp Osher, which shirt. Yeah, yeah.

Also, that's a weird thing. So it was a hoodie. Yeah, I was confused because that, that almost seems like a bad Spencer's gift joke because it's like, just saying camp out, like did say anything under it? Was that the one you're talking about? No, it said,

it's, it said the thing when, if you go to Auschwitz, it has a, the slow. Where I would never get a hoodie. That's a weird. There's no gift shop.

Yeah. Welcome to Auschwitz. It probably is a gift shop there, though, because you can go in there and tour. We have that joke about it. Yeah, it probably is a gift shop. But what are you going to buy? Like, shoelaces?

I have no idea. There's a, dude, there's a gift shop at the fucking 9-11 museum, too. Like, I said this before. I go, this isn't a little strange. I went into the 9-11 museum one time, right? And you exit and you go through the gift shop as you exit. Like, it's a fucking Disney World roller coaster. So we're walking out.

I go, no one finds this strange. They're just selling posters of the World Trade Center in there. Like, you know? That is wild. It's kind of weird. Do they sell, like, models there? They sell like, it's like New York tourism shit. So they sell like the fake statue.

do a liberties and like things with the new building and stuff but i think it's strange like dude i think it's strange when you see people taking pictures outside like people posing in front of the outlines of the building my parents try to do that and then they're like they want me to like smile and i'm like why the fuck would i remember we were on our phone one time my mom's like she's like we're all on our phone at the nine 11 memorial she's like you guys are no fun i was like how much fun are we supposed to be having you well you wouldn't go up to like the hollum when some dude gets his fucking head blown off in front of a bodega and just take a picture like crouched over at the front door, you wouldn't do that. Why would you do it when

3,000 people fucking had a roof collapse on their head? Somebody's name's also spelled wrong on that. There's no way. They didn't fuck that up. Dude, come on. How many people died that day? Like 3,000. Yeah, there's no way there isn't one typo there. And you got to be like, God damn it.

This is set in stone. Oh, my God. Yeah, for sure. So, you know what I didn't know until I fucking watched this Tiger Woods documentary? That woman at the end. Did 9-11? Shit. The first time she ever, like, had any media attention was because she was engaged to a guy who died in 9-11. Yeah.

Dang. Yeah. She was on a TV show. And now she's just remembered as like a horror. Yeah. It's like she was a national hero for a brief moment. Yeah. She has so much work done to her face too.

It looks terrible. Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine like the shit that came down on her after that scandal. Pun intended. No pun intended. I was Tigerwood shitting on it? people. Oh, I thought you said, when you said came down, I thought you meant like a sailing on her fucking

husband's head. I can't believe the dust that's settled on her. Another thing, too, I'm grateful that like enough time is past. Maybe not enough time's past, but I can joke about 9-11. Yeah, well, I think you can joke about anything. It's like I do too. Yeah, there's that quote. It's like,

I think Louis C.K. said, I'm quoting him too much. I'm sounding like I'm whatever. Who gives a shit? But it's like saying a joke is like too, something's too bad to be a joke about that's like saying it's disease is too serious to cure. Yeah, it's like well, yeah. But I understand I wouldn't go to like a 9-11 memorial and be like, ha ha what's up, everybody die, you fucking eat.

Dude, I got one of my, I'm not even- On a comedy podcast where you're trying to be funny. I got one of my best, I got one of my best jokes, a 9-11 joke. I got it riffing in front of the 9-11, literally in front of the world trade center while the lights will lit up. And it definitely didn't sound good at the time. But

because it was like the week before and they had the lights going on the side, but that joke works every time now. Yeah. But that's the thing. It's like nobody leaves a bar after hearing a 9-11 joke at a comedy club, and they're like, I guess there wasn't a big deal. You know what I mean? It's like, we know it's a big deal.

It's like, you're just trying to. That's why it's funny, because it was a big deal. If it wasn't a big deal, it wouldn't be funny. Maybe one of you guys might have been there. But, like, the 9-11 before last. What? You're talking about the day. I was talking about, like, last time the terrorists flew into the world

trade center. A couple 9-11s ago. You remember 9-11, 2018? That was fucking sick. I had a bunch of 9-11 jokes that were all funny, but like audiences usually shied away from him. Yes. But fuck it. What am I saying? Like 9-11, 2019. Sabrina Piper's mic at the pair, one of you guys might have been there. There was a firefighter, right? Yeah. He was at the bar and he was drinking. He killed. And he came into the room and he was like, can I, can I go up on stage? And Sabrina was like, absolutely, you can do that. And everyone was like being very respectful.

Like this guy's fucking firefighter. Was he wearing his firefighter outfit? No, he was. Yeah, he was wearing the off duty thing. The dress blues or whatever. And then he said he got on stage and then he pulls out of his pocket those like shade sunglasses. Just like the shades. And then he just proceeds to do like the most racist fucking five minutes.

It killed. Dude, it fucking killed. He's talking about how he's like picking up. It was like, it was like really old school like neighborhood. Hood racism where he's talking about like Polish like dating a Polish girl Okay, what's. It was like He's using all. He was just so funny.

He's like, these blues brothers sunglasses on and shit. He's like, I had to pick up this fucking Polish bro from her house and like, he ever fingered a Polish girl and he's like telling and he's like doing a dice impression. He had like the strongest like Brooklyn accent too. And then he got off stage and everyone's like, I guess we just don't feel bad about

9-11. Dude, I had to follow him. I went, I had a fucking follow him, bro. And I was like, it was, I couldn't do anything because I was like, oh shit, what do I even do? My favorite guy is this guy named Ron Dickels, and he just calls people gay for five minutes. It's the funniest thing, because he's just like, hey, what are you, some type of homo? And he's like, but he's laughing at all of his jokes. And you're just like, and this guy hung outside of open mics with a fart machine.

In New York? Yeah. He's like this fat, bald guy who like, he's still around? I don't know. But he was great because, like, people get mad, but it's just so funny. They'd be like, look at this guy. What do you suck cock? And he'd be like laughing.

so hard and smiling. He's like, just calling people gay. And then the fact that he just had this fart, he had one of those fart noises. And people walked by, he'd do it and just like, he just hang outside of my three hours. He actually thought it was funny. He thought it was so funny. He was like 50s, but it was just the greatest person to exist. But we got to wrap this up. Is there anything you want to promote, Ryan? Let's see. I'm on Amazon live every Friday from 10 o'clock to 1 o'clock. Watch me sell products. It's pretty much Amazon's version of home shopping network. Follow me on Instagram at It's Ryan O'Toole. I got a

Jerry Springer episode dropping. And I don't know, hopefully in a couple years when you're listening back to this, I'll be on some TV show and I said some retarded offensive shit that'll get me canceled. Hell yeah. Hopefully you get canceled. No. Yeah. Okay. So we and Jake. I got a podcast called Burn After

Watching. We watch movies and talk about them. Hell yeah. And then you guys burn books. And we burn textbooks. It'd have to do with Evolution. And the Quran. All sorts of good stuff. Awesome. Wait,

what's your Instagram? You want to promote that? My Instagram is Jake Timothy. Sweet. Thanks for listen. Take it easy. Peace. Later.