Morning Good - The Book of Magic Tricks - Episode 237

Episode Date: September 15, 2024

Joe Gorman and Paddy Defino return to the show for today's episode. They talk about Josh Brolin's love poem to Timothee Chalamet, Operation Paperclip, and Russel Brand's dramatic return to Christ.Thanks to Joe and Paddy for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and hit their links below for more.Joe Gorman is on Instagram @joewgorman and hosts the new Super Selli Joe's podcast with friend of the show, Alex Tomaselli. Paddy Defino is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, yeah. Welcome to morning. I don't think you could not monetize it. I've chosen to not monetize. Really? Yeah.

Just by saying fagging the end word. Every. of every. The first, that's my sound check. I say the N-word. I look into the camera three times. I say the N-word and then I clap my hands. And that's how I know how to sync the audio with the video. That's the only way to turn a Zoom recorder on.

You have to say that three times. We're here with Joe Gorman at Paddy Defino. What up, dude. It always loses momentum when you introduce people. I'm like, they can just read the title. You could always do a little cutaway where it's like, I'm Michael Good, welcome to the morning good podcast. Joining me today are Patty DeFino

and Joe Gorman. We're going to get right into it. As always, use code word good. That's G-O-O-D-E at checkout for 25% off all gay rape sex toys. Damn, dude, what a crazy sponsorship you have. Like gay sex, cool, but gay rape? Mama-mea, dude. She, like, physically just can't rape a woman with. It's, like, magnetized against vaginas.

Yeah, it actually helps a woman. It's so close to the word grape, which is a much nicer thing for you to be so. You've seen that one, right? The grapest. Those old white as kids you know's kids? No. Oh, dude. I never really got into

white as kids, you know. Oh, you'd love it. One of the guys died. How spooky is that? I heard he jumped off a building, right? I heard he was drunk and fell off the roof. Oh, okay. He Bob Sagitt.

Probably. I've heard Bob Sagitt was actually assassinated, though. Really? Well, like, he got like... Dolson Twins, right? Like Tia and Tamara Maori? Yeah. Is that their name?

Yeah. How dare you have the superior twins-based show? Even though... What was that, sister, sister? Yeah, sister, sister, but Mary Kate and Ashley, they weren't twins in Full House. They played one person. They played one person. It wasn't until like every other project they did, they really exploited them being like twins. Yeah. But Full House was the one where I was like, no, you're one person. Wouldn't it be kind of sweet if Mary Kate and Ashley Olson and then Sweet Life of Zach and Cody, those two kids? Like if they all had a sex thing. And like, you know what the thing with like sex all had a sex thing? You know if you know if.

like two biological twins have sex with two other biological twins the children of those couples would be genetically siblings and not cousins wait I know people that have done that yeah no if like there was I'm about to call them out for instance

they say they don't like this podcast yeah there was like uh uh like so two twin boys and two twin girls I know I know the of the same fam no of different families so like one family has two identical boys a different family has two identical girls those twins get together.

So one twin boy gets with one twin girl and the other. Those, if they had kids, even though the children are technically cousins, biologically, genetically. Oh, because they share the same DNA. They have the same DNA as brother and sister. That's really crazy.

Whoa. So, oh, okay, so it's not incest. No, it's not incest. But, like, it's very fucking weird. But then again, identical twins are like that because identical twins are when a sperm and an A. Oh, you know what? I think these are not identicals. These are, I was thinking, I know, I know two.

Well, then forget everything I said. It was completely. You know what? These might just be brother and sister. I might be way off. I know a brother and sister that married another brother and sister. No, no, no. It's two brothers and two sisters that got married.

I don't know. That's my dad. That in itself is weird. Well, that happens in like small towns. Yeah. And like, and where it's like maybe like, but it's almost like, the sister's family had like a large plot of land that the brother's family wanted to get. And you can only get that through marriage.

It's almost like your. trying to get like a page in the center of Ripley's believe it or not. Yeah, yeah. It's not like true love. There's no way both of them love. There's no way to a man and a woman could love each other. There's no way. It just doesn't happen now.

Two, like a man, two men who look exactly like love separately two different women who look exactly. And they never covet thy neighbor's wife. Impossible. Impossible. And vice versa. They have to. For sure. Yeah, zero percent chance.

It would suck if one had a big hug and one just had like a tiny little. That's how you know the difference. One brother always tells the truth. The other always tells a lie. And also one has a massive penis. And the other has a nubbin. And they're both like, I have a huge deal. What's that?

It's like that one story in the Bible where they were like sawing the baby and half or something like that. There's two women that pretended to be. Yeah, they were both the book of magic tricks. These is my child. And King David said, all right, then we shall cut. the child in half. And you'll each take apart.

And one one was like fucking sick. All right, I get half a baby. And the other one was like, no, no. Give it to the other woman. I'd rather the child be safe and intact than harm. And he's like that. And he's like, that is the true mother because. And then like it was a very,

only a man could be that smart, dude. And only a woman could be as stupid as to want half a baby. Like, what a dumb bitch, dude. It's like, you get like, imagine. It's like a dollar. You can't cut them in half and use them still. I'd be so pissed if I got at least 55. son of the child.

Yeah, that it works. It also would suck to get the bottom half of the baby. Yeah, is that cool? They do it. They do it horizontally and not vertically. You just wear its legs, like little ears. Yeah. You're just changing a diaper for something that has no emotion.

That's the only thing you like doing is a parent. Yeah. I'm in for the diaper changing. That was like back when people like, we're like, oh, I want this kid. No, I want this kid. It's like, dude, who wants a fucking kid in this day? Yeah, nowadays. Yeah.

Get out of here, dude. You take this fucking baby. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What's the version? What's the other way around where they go, I don't want this kid. This isn't my kid. They both claim the other. And then, like, the one who's, like, most excited about giving up the baby is not the father. The fact that you're most excited about losing responsibility shows that you're not the father.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my favorite. I think what they should do if someone doesn't want their baby is just find a woman who recently had a miscarriage and then just fucking shove that baby right up in there. So she still has to give birth? Yeah. So it's still like. What if she has another miscarriage? so she had to go through the loss of child twice. Then she's not allowed to have another child.

Okay, so if you have two miscarriages, you're no longer allowed to have children. It's the only, your pussy's been deemed a hazard zone. The first two strike policy in the world. We should start, I mean, China's our biggest enemy right now, right?

Are you sure? I don't know. Who do you think is? According to Donald Trump, Mexico. According to Trump, it's like, it's ourselves.

Yeah, according to Trump of like, the only reason Putin has had the courage to go forward is because China's backing him. And like they would never try that when Trump was in office. Dude, Trump is so fucking funny. Oh, dude, last night, I know every podcast. I know whatever. How about listeners?

How about you suck my fucking cock? Yeah, this is the special. You hear that? I'll talk about whatever I want on this program. This is a special September 11th edition. Yes, it is September 11th. Yes. How scary was that?

Were you alive during 9-11? Yeah, I remember. Yeah, it was. You were like fucking two. you were like, go-go-gag-gag-out, why is Al-Qaeda hate our freedom, Mama? And then she was like explaining the nuance of like oil and the control demolition and all that. And you're like, whatever, baby Michael want Boba breast melt now. That was cool.

Baby Michael want pussy. Mama, baby want pussy. The hornyest little, my first doors are cuckoo-gaggot. He keeps trying to fuck. the other moms in the PTA. I'm sorry, you got a horny ass little baby. You have a horny baby. Jesus Christ.

Ooh, we can't put them in time out. It'll just fucking jerk off in the corner. They put me in a straight jacket as a baby because they want me jerking my little cock. How old were you during 9-11? So if I was born in 96 but November, I'm really bad at math. That would be 7-9-99-200-200-1. I'd have been like four or five.

Four turning five, yeah. How'd you would have been like two? I was born in 94. interesting, fascinating. So you're actually older than Michael Good. Yeah. Isn't that crazy? The math I know, just like right off the bat.

Yeah, that's pretty good. I could be a detective with that. You could. My deductive skills? They should put you on 9-11. They should. I'll figure out of the Jews did it. Open a showcase.

Oh, the entire fucking group of people that didn't show up to work that day. Oh, I wonder. I saw the problem now with like, like, because I'm trying to figure out like what is real now, like in the news and stuff, you know. Nothing's real. You never know. So, like, when I was on Twitter, I saw that, like, Al Franken admitted to getting an email to not come in where they detailed. Al Franken? Al Franken.

From S&L? From grabbing boobies? Yeah. From... Hey, hey, Al, don't show up, you've always been cool. Don't go to the world trade. Just keep raping these fucking soldiers. Remember that?

He raped a soldier. It's definitely not what happened. He raped her. I like that I corrected this, but not the Jews. Yeah. He's like, Jews and I love him. Like, well, you know, well, uh, boys are that way. Well, he like, there's a picture for passed out when he's doing like a joking honka honka.

Oh, we've all done a joking honka. I have not done a jokey honka honka. Do you want to do one quick? Yeah, actually. Oh, I just suck your dick. I just straight up suck you do it. 20 minutes later. I'm like, oh, I didn't know what a honka honka honka.

Honka, honka. Smoking a cigarette. Willie honka honka. Damn, dude. That's fucking tight, dude. Yeah, wait. So he apparently got an email saying not to go into it. So this is my problem.

Is that real, though? Because like, now, like, I don't know. Now, now X. Now you got a phone? Uh-huh. Well, that's what I know. Now is just whatever Elon Musk believes because he just like, things he doesn't believe. He's like, this is bullshit.

Yeah. He's like, it's very cool that like an autistic billionaire. Yeah. He's like in charge of our freedom of speech. And it's just going full right wing with it. Like, that's pretty crazy. I'll Franken 9-11. then let's see what you have to say, Mr. Franken.

Al Franken is a comedian, but this is clearly a joke, albeit a dry one. Yeah, apparently it's made up. Okay. It's not according to infowars.com. I don't know. Who knows? Maybe it is real. The important is real.

Maybe it is real. Is Israel even real? No, it is not real. Nobody's ever gone to Israel. Here's the thing, dude. No, I totally don't know. Nobody's ever gone and come back. I know my buddy

But it's like you're in a plane How do you know that you're even there? That's the most obvious name to be like It's not fake. It's real. Yeah. If they've sound like a Jewish guy, Israel.

Israel. Yeah. Israel. You'll buy, yes? Fucking, I don't know. I would never go to Israel. No. It looks scary.

Yeah. And like I was like looking at it. It's a fucking desert. Why are all these goofballs fighting over it? Yeah. A shitty ass, like, if it were like Hawaii, oh, I could, I could understand fucking fighting over. I would fucking.

Wasn't Trump saying something like that? He was saying something about giving Palestine like another location. Yeah, give him a better, dude. It's like, you know, let the Palestinians go to Hawaii. Yeah. What we need to do is just. There's plenty of space in Hawaii.

Find the reincarnate of Jesus, because apparently he's out there. I'm sure. And you bring him to Hawaii and assassinate him. And then now that's Holy Land. Yeah. And then get in there. You know?

What if we just, we just got to get somebody to declare themselves like, I'm Jesus Christ, the son of God reincarnated, kill him and be like, okay, this is the holy land. And make it in like the middle of like, you know, somewhere in like Montana. Yeah. So it's just like a bunch of Jews in Montana. Montana is definitely holier. Hollywood could be doing a way better job of manipulating people. Maybe we don't know it. I mean, they are.

They're doing a great job. I know, but they can be doing staged alien invasions. I'm gay. They manipulated maybe. They could be doing fake Jesus is coming back to life. they could be doing more. They could get all CGI. I think I'm going to convert to

Scientology, though. Oh, speaking to CGI, did you see the fucking... I always showed him the Thanos Josh Braille. A poem. He wrote to Timothy Shalameh. Oh, yeah.

You know Josh Brolin? I know Josh Brolin. He wrote the weirdest, like, poem to Timothy Shalabate on the set of Dune. Can you pull... I'm sorry. Did you not have a phone?

No, I left it over there to be more in the moment. I knew I was to look this up. To be more in the moment. And then also to make your assistant. Patti, do a little late. Josh Brolin. There we go.

There we go. Poem. It's got to come up with just that. Dude, it's so weird. Okay. You ready for this? Yeah. So Josh Brolin wrote this poem and gave it to Timothy Shalame.

And the best part is he's like, he's like, he's like, I don't even know why people think this is weird. This is just like, he's like defending it. Like, do you think he, what do you think he wrote it on? Like, do you think he wrote it on like a napkin? Yeah. Your face is etched by adolescence. your cheekbones jump toward

what are youth-laden eyes that slide down. It doesn't even fucking rhyme. I hate that. I hate non-rhyming poems. He's like, it's more complicated. You don't even get it. There once was a boy from Nantucket. Yeah.

That slide down, a prominent nose onto lips of certain poetry. And the way you hold my gaze makes me fear my own age. Because something in me tells me you were going to offer me something and for

now I'm not sure it's going to be something I want anymore. So you think they're just porking it up? He's getting like, hey, Josh Brolin, you want me to fuck you in the ass? And Josh Broan's like, oh gosh, I don't know. He's like, yeah, that's cool, but I have to write

poems to come. Golly G. His defense is, he's like, I wrote lots of poems on the set of do. He's like, yeah, that doesn't make it any better. Release all of that. All of them are about fucking Timothy Shaliman about. He's like a fucking samurai I writing hacoos by a waterfall about wanting to fuck a little child actor. I bet he wishes he could snap his fingers and half those poems would go,

nice, dude. I'm going to snap my finger and make half your white blood cells disappear when I give you AIDS. It just sucks when a guy that's like so cool and like in movies. Josh Brolin's who you think is really cool? I thought so. Have you seen Sicario? You know who's really cool? in Sicario, I would say it's not, the Sicario himself is the coolest guy.

Benicio del Toro? Yeah, Benicio del Toro is fucking cool. I'll tell you who else is cool. Dave Grohl getting a fucking woman pregnant outside of marriage. Do you know what's interesting? In my hometown, there's a farm that a lot of my siblings have worked at. Yeah, where's your hometown? Sogerties.

And where's that in Virginia? It's in upstate New York. Upstate New York. And I guess like the people who own the farm are like good friends with Dave. Grell and like he would come over for Thanksgiving. Isn't that interesting? That's nice. I wonder if it's one of them.

He impregnated. Maybe. I bet you know what? I bet the person you're pregnant it and you're not going to like this, but it's a 14-year-old girl. You think so? I know so. He's a rock star baby.

Look at Anthony Keatis. Anthony Keats is fucking a 19-year-old. I feel like Dave Grohl is a better rock star than Anthony Keatis. That's how it works. The better you are. The better you are. Elvis Presley, the King of Rock Girl. Oh, I got a little 14-year-old mama.

Yeah. No, he was so, he was so. like rock star. He wouldn't even like fuck young girls. He would just drink cum. The youngest life can even be. Stephen Tyler. Just fucking a pile of cum. He's like, there's got to be a little girl

in here somewhere. Stephen Tyler of Arrowsmith. He also had like Don Headley. Yeah. Don Lemon. I mean like maybe these rock stars are... Michael Good. Anybody could be having... What's the youngest person? Like, what's the youngest age you've ever

had sex with? What do you mean? I should have a better. That was a pretty clear question. No, it's like how old was the youngest person you've had sex with? Since I've been, like, what do you mean? Like, as an adult? Just in life. In life, baby.

Okay. And the answer is just a number. Okay, 17 is the youngest person I've had sex with. Ooh, 16. I was 16. This was a month ago for me. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was like, see me after class, Brittany.

Damn, dude, I would be like a teacher that I would have sex with a student. dude for sure. How could you resist, dude? Good thing I don't know shit. That's like God, like having checks and balance. It's like, all right, this guy would absolutely fuck a student. Let's not give him any transferable skills. God's like, made these people terrible at math so they don't. Why don't we just have this guy be a stand-up comic, which is something you legitimately do not need a class for. And, but you would think being a stand-up comic would make you a good teacher. No. Because really you're just teaching the audience joy. I'm teaching the audience.

year. I can kill somebody and get away with it for there is no afterlife. There is no God. That's that way you would teach us. That's what my audience goes out and immediately starts like killing cops, flipping over cars and shit. It's like it's basically like the purge. They leave the theater thinking like the purge is real.

One time I told an audience to kill a cop. I was like, we should just leave the show and murder a police officer. Nice, dude. Then what happened? No. That's good to do in New York because they'll say they'll do it. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. We were like, oh, you want me to kill a cop? You got it. Hey, you got it, Mac. I'll kill him with this food that has microplastics in it. You'll want that cop coming up. I was thinking more like a little blue-haired in and why you grow. It's like, I'll fucking kill a cop.

I'm fucking stare at him so hard. As an adult now, I would say like past the age of 25, what's the youngest you've had sex with? My rule is 21. So 18. I'm a rule breaker. No, I think probably like, I don't know exactly, but I, like, my dating apps go to, I made out with a 21-year-old, like, a couple weeks ago. What did it taste like? Youth.

Pupescence. Capri-son. Fucking, yeah. Capri-son Oreos. The word pre-pubescence is weird because pubes, it's like the essence of pubes. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. I think probably the youngest.

I know, I think it's like 23. I had sex as a girl as 23. I had sex with a 23-year-old once. Yeah. It was crazy. I was like, damn, I'm going to have to be your father. Are you there? No.

I could have been her father. Anybody's old enough to be anybody's father that's, I mean, could, I guess. And I can't be your father. You're entering daddy territory. Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, you could very well be like the daughter of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Scary. Could you be a grandfather? I could be a great grandfather, honestly. Huh. I could be my own grandfather. Were you an early bloomer, a late bloomer? Sexually? Yeah.

No, no, no. See, I was one of those where I hit puberty, I think, like, the same time as everybody else. But horniness. Like, I was jerking off before I could come. When you did you jerk off first. I think, uh, summer going into sixth grade. I think my, my horniness is going to hit in like my mid-30s. This might be the least horny guy.

We're, when, I don't know. my hair line is like here. What are you doing in your room, Patty? Right now. You're not playing Fortnite with me. I'll tell you that. No, right now I'm working on a new golf course. For what?

PGA tour 2K. I thought you were like designing some shit. Oh, not a real golf. I have been like, Trump once a week with new blueprints for a new golf course. I do love it when like I ask people like what they got going on and they literally describe like shit they're doing it in a video game. Yeah. It's like, it's like, because I'm doing the same thing.

Dude, like right now I'm playing a Star-Four. So I'm like doing some re-designing my ship. Yeah. You know, I'm doing a lot of exploration right now. I'm really, uh, you know, I'm doing some terraforming and shit, you know. Yeah. It's like, it's like, I'm just getting high and playing a video game. It's not even fun.

Like, it's not even fun. Like, the stuff I'm working on, it's not fun. I'm like putting cart paths. You're doing it like it is like a real obligation. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, fuck, I got to stay up all night. The fairway is slanted too much to the right. I do that where it's like those games where like you go.

around like you're basically like you know you go around you collect shit and then I become over encumbered yeah I don't want to like get rid of shit because like I could sell this and make money yeah so I'm like like over like I'm out of crawl yeah and I got to like fucking find somebody and he's like hey what are you up for sale you're that's what they should do for all of the like women who are hoarders it's just give them animal crossing oh and they can just hoard their fucking life away in that game you know yeah crossing fun animal crossing is a lot of fun should I buy it I mean, you might want to wait till the next one comes out.

I want to feel better about my advice is how much money have you spent on video games? Probably in my life. In the last year. Probably like $800. Yeah, I probably spent around $60. That makes me feel a little better.

But like in a year, that's not bad. And like the amount of entertainment I've gotten out of those games. Yeah. Does your girlfriend, does she mind that you play video games? Is she?

Not after I gave her a taste of the back of me hand. No, my girlfriend, shout out. Like you said that like a pirate. I gave a taste of the back of me hand. No, she loved it because like,

you know, my girlfriend, Kelly Taylor, uh, she likes, you know, she likes her like, um,

reality shows. Like, she likes like Vanderpump rules. And so like when I'm playing video games, she can like watch her shows. She can watch her soap operas or whatever the fuck, you know. Why do I picture?

I don't know why I picture him sitting crisscrossed Applesauce on the floor while she's in bed watching the thing. That's kind of how it is. When you start playing really well, you just start to levitate off the ground. Sometimes I'm like, dude, I'm like, babe, look at this. I'm going to like, you know, kill a boss or like unlock a quest or something. And she's like, oh,

cool. And like, it's like, she clearly does not give a fuck. She's like having sex with a different guy. Yeah, she's having sex with some black guy. And, like, Jamal's like, oh, shit, man, you about to unlock this shit. He's like watching. Damn, dude, that's wild.

I used to watch my friend play that game on PS5. All of his entertainment is while he's fucking somebody's wife. He's like, have you seen Forrest Gump? Yeah, well, I was fucking his bitch. Her husband was watching that shit in the background. It's fucking Jenny. I watched that movie from inside the goddamn movie. Nice, dude.

That was a pretty inceptionist joke. That was a powerful bit. That was powerful. Yeah. Hell yeah. So what else have you been up to, dude? Not much, dude. living.

Yeah. Do you like to decorate your home? Are you a decorator? Kelly does. Kelly's really good about decorating.

Like, I'll occasionally like, you know, I'll have satanic stuff there. I could have sworn I've seen satanic stuff at your place.

No. It's not like an actual dead dog. No, she has like pagan wicken shit. That's just the dog. Yeah. That's our dog.

And then recently recently I inherited a bunch of my grandmother's decorations from Japan. So like we have like some,

Like, are you Japanese? Yeah, my mom's side. Oh, my God. Isn't that fucking crazy? Yeah. I don't look it. No, not at all. Very round eyes.

I know, so I can't get into any of these, like, Asian fucking, I can't get into like the yellow fucking slanty-eyed chuckle fucking gong fest or whatever, you know? And they're like, oh, I heard those are pretty big. Yeah. Sorry, you hang out. Your grandmother have sex with a colonizer, so we don't want you in a festival. Your comedy tape is a too. Too long.

You want to small comedy tape. Your comedy tape is under us! You have to kill yourself by a bombing with a samurai whore. Yeah. You got a guy.

I like that he's crying. There's like a crying cadence to the way you do. You have now been denied. What is it called again? From a day. Distantiade. Distantiade.

gong a festival It's a beautiful culture I've heard that's incredible It's a beautiful culture I gotta start getting into festivals I gotta get into a festival I have not been doing as much comedy as I should

Yeah you're great at comedy Oh Patty You're like my favorite comedian Oh Patty you're so nice And I'm not even lying about it I haven't been getting into it recently I've been taking like a little bit of a I've been stepping away from it

For a little bit I'm finally getting back into it Nice Is this stepping away from it like a Let's let me re-approach it? Earlier, like last month, my stepdad passed away. Oh, sure.

It's all good. And, like, so I've been, you know, kind of just dealing with that. And honestly, it just, like, it, like, comedy just, like, was not a priority. Yeah. Yeah. You know? But it's like, it's not, it's never like, oh, I'm never going to. I'll never be funny again.

But it's like, I need to work on myself and I need to be there for my family. And, you know, we recently, I was actually in Kansas, um, a few days ago for, you know, know, like the funeral services and stuff. And we did a cool thing where he was cremated. And his goal was always to be, like, launched off in fireworks. And his brother was able to do that. He's Japanese. He is Japanese.

Yeah. So my, he's my stepdad. And so my mom and my stepdad were both, like, half Japanese people. Okay. So everyone assumed, like, my stepdad was, like, my dad. And in a lot of ways, he was. But then everybody looked at you and they're like, this is very. Yeah.

It's like, okay. So he got all, like, the fucking American traits. Yeah, yeah. but yeah i think i'm but i'm like getting back i'm like i'm excited about getting back into it yeah yeah and like that time off was like good because like i don't i don't like those like um people like comedy is my therapy it's like therapy yeah therapy and comedy should be your therapy and comedy should be your recreation something you enjoy it you can talk about traumatic experiences but you shouldn't i don't think you should work through your trauma without like an actual like professional to help yeah yeah yeah

Like, it's like, I don't think... What a gay turn this to... Yeah, I don't think... It's like, you know, I don't think I'm gonna, like, work through my anguish at an open mic that I... No, totally. Yeah, yeah. You know? But there's, like, these, like, 55-year-old men, they're like, yeah, comedy's my therapy.

And it's like, damn, dude, really? Yeah. Well, you also got to like... I think John Marco Cerese said it best when he said, put it in my ass. Oh. He said... Rest in peace, John Marcos. Comedy is your therapy?

Yeah, and haircuts are my sandwiches. Very funny, true. Oh, brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. Rest in peace, dude. Rest in peace. Rest and piss.

He would love that. Ooh. That's a little something I'm working on. That's actually the name of my new title. Rested piss. It's like in honor of my path, my step on. Did I bring up that that pissed dream on the last episode? Pissed dream?

Wait, was it a dream where you dreamt like you were pissing in a urinal and then you piss the bed? No, no, no. I thought I was, I was being into a small Asian man's mouth. actually, but no. That sounds like something you would do at a habaschi restaurant. I don't know why. I bet I had a dream

the other day. This guy. Oh, delicious. Piss or Rabachi? Just the dream. Yeah. Just dreaming, dude. That's cool. Your brain can still fucking bring. People are like, what are you up to you? Do you just having dreams? All kinds of cool ones. Have you ever had an afternoon dream? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Big leak dreams. Nice. Yeah. No, I once had a dream. I was eating a giant

marshmallow. And then when I woke up, my pillow was gone. Wait, were you, is that a John Marco Serresi? It is, dude. Now that he's dead, you can take all the joke.

Now that he's dead, I have the right to all of his intellectual property. Honestly, dude, like when I die, you all can have whatever bitch you want. You can also have any pieces of my body. I'm going to be like the, the buffalo for Native Americans.

Yeah, I'm going to have my... I'm going to donate my shit. I'm going to donate whatever, or I feel like all of my organs are fucking. though from drugs just drugs and like poor diet

yeah it would be fun if like when you die you can just like have parts of your body mailed to people it's just their responsibility now like just send my penis to Jennifer Lawrence just so like at one point

my penis and her lock eyes I think that would be pretty funny yeah Jennifer Lawrence I want you to have this I want you to have and I also want my eye inside the tip of my penis so it looks like Cool. I put the balls on top like a little bow. Nice, dude. How romantic.

I know. The thing I wanted to ask is, did his ashes get shot into fireworks? His ashes did get shot into fireworks. That's so cool. They put him in, I have a little video of it. Basically his brother, one of my stepdad's hobbies, he liked to make fireworks. So, you know, we'd always go to the beach and he'd light off fireworks. And he said, like, someday, you know, you can put me in these and launch me off.

And it was one of those like, okay, sure, sure, sure. and then we ended up doing it you know ideally we wouldn't have done it for another like 30 years yeah yeah you know so it goes dude I like when people tell you what to do yeah I've had some

maybe it's because all my friends died like very youngs they didn't get to explain this but I hate when you're like is this the kind of you don't you ever know for sure you're like did he you get really caught up

you're like what do you want blue shirts I would um yeah I would like um you know they can like put your ashes in like a pod and plant it they're gonna say a pog

a pog cat. They tub them into a fat white girl's ass. Crazy straw blowing them in her purse. Have my ashes scattered over the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. Over the cleavage, the ample cleavage of the Dallas. Yeah, it's got to be in a clear dildo.

Yeah. Elisa Ann has to put it inside of it. God, that'd be so cool, dude. I love it when like porn stars are like getting to be like 55, 60. but still like into it. Oh, yeah. It's like, oh, cool, we can be like horny in our 60s now.

And this is like strange new territory. Because in the 80s, it was like, you're in your 60s, you're the golden girls. And now 60s is like milf porn. Totally. Well, and also, I think I was talking to you about this. There's something about every time I see a porn star, I like, I think I'm in love. You got a boner. No, I think I'm deeply in love with every porn star.

Because I think of them as, I forget they're getting paid. And I'm like, this is just that lady that sucked all those dicks. I would love a nice way. I would, you know what? I think of like a porn star was like, I want to be your girlfriend. friend, I would say okay. And I'd leave Kelly. Look, you got to understand this is an important opportunity.

Look, I know we've been together for three years and we've built a life together. And you've been my emotional support house. But like, this is, this is Lisa Ann. Yeah. This is Sarah Palin herself. She, by the way, is a porn star. I feel like sometimes that term gets misconstru. So where are some other porn stars?

Alexis Fox. Alexis. RIP Allura Jensen. I talk about her once a week on here. Isn't that it's such a bummer, dude? I keep, like, I keep, like, seeing her porn pop up every once in a while. And it's like, how can you, like, have that kind of body and, like, believe in God? It's not right.

Or, and not believe in God. God should have signed that body right on the ass. It's like fucking nuts. She's kind of having a Russell Brand thing. You know how Russell Brand's, like, super... Well, Russell Brand had to pivot to being religious because he raped all those people. Yeah, that's so true. Like, like that company.

Like, Laura Jensen generally, I always love Jayze's Cross. He's my favorite. Yeah, is there nothing worth. than like a fucking smug guy that believes in God. Oh, you don't believe in gold. Oh, that's too bad for you. You know, we're going to be salvaged. Like, you're not going to fucking save you.

You fucking rapist, dude. It's like one of the Ten Commandments, Thou shalt not rape, dude. And he's like fucking raping. It's definitely not one of the Ten Commandments. Yeah, it's like, you know what? Under adultery. You can rape your wife in the Bible, I'm pretty sure. In the Bible?

Yeah. Inside, if you jump it, like a cartoon-like character, like what's called Magic Tree House, if you Magic Tree House, into the Bible. It's like foreign waters or whatever. It's exactly like that. But it is,

whether he did it or not, I haven't read into the case enough. No one has. But yeah, everybody's always like that. We don't have time for this shit. Do I like you? You don't have to just look.

He's dressed like Jack Sparrow. That's not something that like jingles can send. It's a very loud, obnoxious. And I heard he probably smells bad. Oh, I bet, dude. He probably, that's in the article. Russell Brand rapist probably also smells.

He probably has like a petulay kind of smelled on him, you know? Yeah. I just put on some fucking deodorant, too. Probably too much cologne. But there's a video of him he's gone. All of my relationships have been absolutely consensual. But there's an edit where you can clearly see in the video he had to practice it like a couple times to say it. But they cut out not.

Hey, producers like, I don't know if we should say not radio. more consensual. I gotta be honest with the people. The people want honesty. No, Russell. That's wild, man. Yeah, that is pretty cool.

The Christian turns crazy because, like, there was a weird moment where it was just like an open-minded liberal guy, and he's kind of like, it was really cool because he's like, I believe in ideas all over the place. You know, this is interesting. And now he's just like, uh...

That's like everyone. Yeah. Everyone kind of goes, like, everyone starts out kind of cool and then they kind of like flanderize their own character. Russell Brand, Joe Rogan. Well, we're talking about how cool. how cool how weird it is that like liberal like we're watching a uh documentary i was watching the chimp

chimp crazy oh yeah yeah yeah um it's interesting that like owning wild animals is a conservative thing like it's kind of funny like that's the part of right wing politics i really agree with i'm like you should be able to have a giraffe like they kind of in a lot of ways want you to have fun stuff like guns giraffes it's like it's more so like the living conditions of the animals that are like oh no no yeah and that's what you're like oh no no yeah and that's what we're why like I'm one of those people where it comes to like owning chimps, I'm like, you shouldn't be able to own a chip unless you're like a phenomenal chip owner. I could understand like those little like a little monkey like Marcel and friends.

Marcello from Marcella Hernandez from SNL. Yeah, you could own Marcelo Hernandez. I could own like a little Marcelo Hernandez. Yeah. I heard he gets paid in bananas. Which by the way, they missed a huge opportunity by not naming that show going bananas. Oh, that would have been great. Do you think S&L was truly over?

It's like not even on my mind. It's like not even in like the public consciousness the way it used to be. Like it's like it's not the star maker it once was. But I don't know if it's really like if it's something that is like that. Like if it's nothing now or if just since we do comedy, we're just not in that world. I never liked it. I saw the occasional YouTube video. I'm like, oh, this is kind of funny.

But it never tickled. me the way of any other sketch show. Like it never hit the same way. I was like, and I think there's a very funny. I thought, I mean, Will Forte is hilarious,

Andy, like all those guys are funny. But I never like watching SNL sketch and was like, oh, this is even close to it's funny. It's like Key and Peele, Chappelle show.

Yeah. Even like the crawl shit, like, even other things just made me like, like, I don't like, to like S&L, you have to like,

kind of trick yourself into like being impressed that it's live. Because if you're, if you're like, oh my God, this is a live thing. Anything could happen,

whatever, then there's like a base level of excitement that you have going into it. But it's like nothing in that is going to be like, oh my God, that like changed my entire interpretation of comedy. Yeah, why not do it live and edit the best take into it? Like the way people normally do fucking shit, idiots. But that's the appeal is Saturday Night Live. Oh, it's so topical. I liked how this is so topical.

Like, let me guess. Kamala Harris cool. Donald Trump bad. Yeah. How about you take that phrase and reverse it, dude. Remember, like, four years ago, people were, like, saying, like, ACAB, you know, all cops are bastards. And, like, that includes every, they're like,

and if you have an uncle that's a cop, kill your fucking uncle. Yeah. And now, like, they're telling me, like, so I do, I kill my fucking uncle because he's a cop and the internet told me to. And now the internet's telling me to vote for a cop for president, dude. Yeah. Not fucking happening, dude. I'm not voting, dude.

I don't believe in it anymore. Well, that's why I voted in the last election because that was the most important one, according to everybody. Every fucking election, dude. I've been voting since George W. Bush. And every fucking time, they're like, this one really fucking matters. Yeah.

This one really fucking matters. If this one matters, I'm voting for dinosaurs next year. But you promise this one matters. And then next thing you know, this year matters too. They always say, oh, this one matters. It's like, yeah, right, dude. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, Jason David certified pussy. I'm just going to say that. I love the guy. But last election, he's like, This one matters. You need to vote. You could have voted for a dinosaur this year until they took him out of the race.

Dude, Patty, you should be ready for SNL out. Nice, dude. Joe Biden. What a retard, dude. I want to vote for that fucking chimp a lady. Did you see the photo of Joe Biden? First of all, Joe Biden did two things today where it's like,

oh, I just want to clarify, I'm not calling Kamala Harris a chimp lady. I was talking about the TV show. Yeah, sure, buddy. Let me just immediately. It's funny that I made it more racist. I'm trying to protect myself. I'm like, I mean, it looked way weird.

But, yeah, Joe Biden did two things. One, yesterday, he was interviewed and he said, tomorrow I got to do 9-11. He said that in an interview. That's fucking awesome. He had to go to the memorial servant. I got to go do 9-11. But then today he stopped by some place,

and he was like trying to, like, get, I don't know, voters or whatever. And they gave him a hat to put on, and he didn't realize that he put a Trump hat on. Okay. Dude, everyone's... Is that really what happened? How do you know?

I got to look that up. I feel like what could have happened, though. Okay, you put any hat on, then they photoshop. Or maybe he was jokingly like, wouldn't it be stupid if I wore this retarded faggot hat? And he put that on. But either way. It's like, I don't know why as a Southern accent. That's like the thing you never do if you're on the other side.

Joe Biden briefly puts on Trump 2024 had it at Skanksville 9-11. He was at Skankfest, dude. Yeah. Skangfest 9-11? Dude, that's fucking funny. Oh, he put on the hat, dude. He actually put it on. I did see that.

I did. It is very funny. Dude, that's like, it's, it's, it's, it's so funny, dude. It's so funny how, like, just, oh, that's so good. That is awesome. Yeah, it's amazing. That's so. It's just like, they keep swinging and missing.

It's just so funny. They got his ass. I can I tell who we watched the election. By the way, it was very funny because I've not cared about politics for last two years or so. And then we watched the debates and I smoked. pot. And for one moment, politics were serious to me. I was like, yeah. We're all going to die. Oh, there's also a conspiracy that Kamalo is wearing an earpiece. Oh, she absolutely was.

Did you see that? I think they all do. There's no way. They all do. Because like, there are always like, okay, don't say, like, there's like, if, the only person I could be convinced isn't wearing an earpiece is Trump. It's true. Because like he, the things he says, it's like, nobody's telling him. Dude, it's so funny. The things is, it's like, I know it's not true, but it's funny that somebody watches that and be like, oh, my, God. Like when he was saying, like, they're giving transgender surgery to imprisoned immigrants. Like, like, what the fuck? Dude, but you, but I saw that and I was like, that's insane. And then I looked at like Kamala's 2019 policy. One of them was transgender surgeries for illegal immigrants in incarcerated illegal immigrants. That's, that's more fucking juicy tits on these Guatemalas. Yeah. It's like if you get like a decouper larger, well, like,

you go free. Imagine a little Mexican dude, like a lawn worker looking Mexican guy was just giant. But he's still like mowing the lawn. I need my moma seat back. I think like that there's something with that that has to do with like

men being in female prisons and stuff. Because I feel like there's a big amount of men who are like if you're a guy and they're like you got to go to prison for life. I'd be like, well, I'm a woman as of right now. But then they're like,

you have to have. to cut your peanuts and balls up. What do they said? No, you don't. Really? And I'm saying, but what if they did say that? No, they wouldn't say that. They wouldn't say that. They can't do that. They can't do that because that goes back on the things that they say. You know, like, oh, you're saying, because I have a penis, I can't be a woman. Exactly. You can just word salad your way right out of that, right into the female prison. 12 inches deep into that fucking box. Dude, and I bet like, I bet it would be consensual in a female prison because the woman there are so fucking horny, dude. For sure. And like a hot guy with a big car. Should we purposely go to female prison to get some

prison pussy? Damn, dude. I got a fucking move. dude. Dude, have you all, dude, that is a, that is a comedy movie right there,

a guy who purposely goes to prison to get, this is, this is right in itself, dude. All right. So what do we go to?

He's just getting raped by a strap. Right. He's like, let's get that fucking beaten and raped by like white supremacist women. Let's get Dax Shepherd

to actually transition. I think we can do that if we just dangle a vike in it. He is that kind of guy, huh? Yeah, dude that. Sweet,

Patty. Kind Patty. I had one more thought on that. Who cares? Pray on it. Oh, let me pry on it. What was I thought about a female prison? Something or another.

What if, like, Kamala had the earpiece on? And, like, everyone's like, oh, this is unfair or whatever. But the whole time, it was just a guy who was just like, show your tits. Just don't do a button. Come on. Oh, my God. I want to fuck you so bad. I bet you take those shoes off and let's look at your feet.

Yeah. spin around. Just spin around. You don't have to answer. Just spin around. Would you have sex with Kamala Harris? Dude, in a heartbeat. She is hot.

She's hot. She looks a little bit like Jordan Jensen. I will say that. I don't. Okay, he was saying, no, what are you saying I look like? Patty thinks I look like James McAvoy.

James McAvoy. He can't see people. He's blind. Look at Joe. Joe is getting into it. I don't look at James McAvoy. Yeah. Dude, shave your head.

and be like Professor X? Yeah, Professor Sacks. It depends on what era of James McAvoy, though. And you have to do like a little like, he has like that weird little like he parts his hair in the middle. I don't think I'll look anything like Mr. Tumnus. I don't know. Maybe him and Wana when he's making out of Angelina and Jolie

because I just kiss and cute girls all the time. Dude, you do look like Mr. Tumness. Yeah. Because I got a big old bush. Do you? I got a fucking trim my pubic hair as well. No, no, I, I trim it. Oh, nice.

Do you like shave it completely bold? No, I shave it pretty far. You know the fold where your balls? I shave past the fold, which it was kind of weird. I should keep hair on the on the on the the, the wrinkle. What do you call that? Like the seam?

The fold, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I go up to there, then I shave the base and then I trim around everywhere else. But then it's like if you have like hairy legs, like how do you like, you know, fade into it? You know what's a really fun idea? Back to the chimpanzees, having a chimpanzee and only shaving its dick and balls. So just like its face, it's pubs. is like, it's like, because I have like hairy legs and stuff. So if I like shave my, my pubes,

it like it looks like I got like a fireburn. Yeah, it does look weird. So it's like, you got to have like a way to like blend it. Yeah. So I got to like trim it, but then like I got to like match like the pubic hair to match like the length of my leg hair or something. Look at this. I thought you're going to show it. It's like shaved pub.

That's Jordan Jensen. That's common. I don't see it at all. They're pretty close. They're pretty close. I think you have a horny for both. Now you have a crush on Jordan Jensen, right? you know what's interesting what you do which topic no i always thought i always thought she was like unattractive why and then i saw her at a comedy festival and you're like she's beautiful and she was like really hot did you tell her that no what festival was it uh the sunshine comedy festival

it was the slanty eye yellow the yellow fellow festival purple people leader festival yeah I saw you know what happened dude she had a little dog and her dog ran and she like bent over to pick it up and I was like Jordan Jensen was like a little moment can make a woman hot and she like one dude and that it completely changed my interpretation I want to yeah I want to have like that moment where like people actually see me as like an attractive yeah where you're like putting in an air conditioner I feel like the only way is like when I'm on stage and I say something funny is like the closes people like oh maybe he's fuckable yeah I feel like that that's You're very pretty eyes. Thank you, Mike. A great, great charisma. Great skin, too. And that, I think, is worth more than a, than a hot pack. You guys are making me feel good about myself now.

I have the confidence, dude. I have the confidence to leave Kelly. It's over. I realize my interview. Dude, I was like, I was 50-50 on that woman in the Chimp documentary. Like, with, she's disgusting in one scene and then the other scene. I'm like, oh, that's how women are sometimes. Like, there's a nuance, dude.

My problem is if I feel that way where I'm like sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's not, I usually side with the note. I'm not going to do it. I think for the most part, she was very gross. Yeah. She's like an extreme plastic surgery slot machine lady. Oh, I love that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about getting a little Botox.

Where? Right near your knee bones? Like, uh, by crow's feet, forehead. Oh, yeah? Like the frown lines, maybe my jowls. I kind of want to get this part of my neck. Should we just get, like, should we just become like plastic surgery boys? Let's do it.

That's what this podcast becomes, like, us, like, constantly getting, like, nip and tucked. There's a new jaw that came out. People, I've noticed a new jaw. Jaw lines used to be, like, square if you were sexy. Now they go, they're, like, a fucking hexagon. Yeah, that's like Lord Voldemort. Yeah, dude, they go out and then down and then out again. It's supposed to be just, like, a sexy boy.

It's almost like shoulders. We all started looking like the Gigatad memes. Yeah. Like, we all have, like, big cleft chins. I'm down, dude. Do you know how much your procedure costs? No more than 10,000. Do you have to pay out of pocket?

No. I have $80 on my bank account right now. Really? Did you really? I have no fucking... What happened, dude? What's going on? You know what?

This is really funny. So there's a comic from my hometown who has an only fan. Is it illegal to screenshot somebody's only fans and send it to somebody else? No. Okay. It's not?

No. Because they didn't pay for it. Oh, fuck you, wicking. One of my friends would that would be funny. There's one dude in my hometown comedy scene that did an only fan. And for my other friend's birthday, I'm like, I should send him just a naked picture of this guy. It'll be funny because it's like a guy we both know.

So it's a picture of naked hanging from like a polo bar. Oh, beautiful. And I'm like, this is hilarious. And then all of a sudden, I noticed like so much money's taken out of my account. And then some scammer, like I felt for one of those USBs, this all relate. Oh, that thing where it's like, all right, we tried to deliver your package. Yes, I fell for that a couple months ago, but they didn't use my card. They used one card.

They used one card. So I turned off that one card. But I kept the other card on monitored it. And they didn't charge that card. Then, uh, they used that card. like two days ago and took out like a bunch of money. Or not like a bunch like, like just overdrew my account. And one of the things they did was OnlyFans.

And I think what they did is this. I think they made an OnlyFans and used my credit card to give themselves money on that. Because I definitely like I didn't, all I bought was this one guy's thing. I thought it was funny. But it sucks when you're on the phone. You were there on the phone with me. I was like, no, no, I have used OnlyFans.com before.

I was going to say they probably do OnlyFans because people are going to be like too scared to call the credit card. company. Yeah, yeah, it's a great idea. So did they, were able to get your funds returned? They're working on it. That sucks. What kind of, what bank do you use? That was Wells Fargo.

Wells Fargo. I had Chase. I'm also Chase. I have two banks. You got to have like multiple banks. I have a bank. I have Chase and I have a credit union. Yeah. And that was good because like my credit union got hacked like earlier this year and I was

like fuck, but I still have my Chase account. Yeah. Well, because if you lose a card or something, then you're just totally fucked. Yeah. You got to have multiple banks. You got to have multiple banks. Swiss bank accounts. I have a lot of money in there.

My new thing. is like I'm going to have, I have one bank account, like, I just put money into. I never take money out. Yeah. Just in case. And like, that's going to be like my retirement. I'm so far from just a case. I have no money. That sucks, dude. That really sucks. But, you know, I'm always doing things. I'm like, hey, dad, do you need me to do something for you work-wise? Like, you're at the age where it's like, you're still like, you can still figure it out, dude. Yeah. I always imagine, like, the Swiss bank, because it's always revered as this, like, money laundering. But it's also like, yeah, it's like, you only have it because.

you're doing like illegal shit. Exactly. You put like $9. I just imagine like... Yeah, let the interest take care of the rest. It's like a Gringott's, you know, kind of like big bank where you have to take these like flying dragons to your vault and then you open it and they've converted all your money into cheese.

So to get your money, you have to buy the cheese and then sell it around town. But it goes very quick because it's Switzerland. Right. And they love cheese. They do. So it's like, but it is a little bit of a... That's why it's why. it's like nobody can track it.

Because they go into your vault and they just see a bunch of fucking cheese. They're like, where's all the money? Just cheese. Yeah. I went to Switzerland. It's so funny too because like, you know,

the chocolate's supposed to be great there. Yeah. We just ate tabler on there all the time. And in my mind, I thought that was like only a Swiss thing. And I was like, I was just wanted the toddler. Oh,

you need like the chocolate, the most accessible chocolate anywhere else. Literally might be the most accessible around the world. I saw it when we got off the plane back to America. I was like, Wait, what? I thought I was eating special Swiss chocolate.

And they're like, no, you're just eating table rounds. Yeah, you got the, uh, there's a chocolate company in my hometown. Ooh. That gets their chocolate from, I think, Germany. And it's so fucking good. Yeah. It's like unbelievable. Chocolate fucking rocks, dude.

Anything that doesn't have chocolate on it, that's a dessert, I don't, I don't fuck with it. Skittles. You know, Adolf Hitler was part of the invention of chocolate. No, he wasn't. No. Come on. Stop trying to fucking.

Stop trying to make a cool thing. very, very cool thing. It's like, God damn, these Nazis can truly do no wrong. You know, it's funny because, like, there's, like, you know, Nazism in America, but it's only like the negative aspects of Nazism, you know, like, I've always said this.

But like, where's this going? You look at, you look at, like, the Nazis in Germany, like they were studying the occult. Dude, the UFO stuff on them was very fun. And it's like, okay, of, like, all the aspects that we took from fucking Nazis. Like, we got, like, the, we got, like, the NASA team.

but how about the people that were studying like the occult that aliens and shit dude those are the ones we should have saved for the people who don't know you know obviously about paperclip right yeah so operation paperclip was when they like took over all the not this is just for all the foot people on my podcast that aren't most people are intellectuals

listen to this they are going up operation everyone's like listening with like their tweed jackets and like smoking like pipes and shit their study like they're sitting like a leather chair with just a big globe slowly rotate they have this podcast playing on a gramophone in a candle lit library.

Roaring fire. But for everybody who doesn't know, all the people that aren't like that, you know, the foot guys, which are only 50%, we looked into it. Either way. Yeah, why do I explain it?

Anyways, we brought over Nazi scientists to get us to the moon. And yeah. But, yeah, that's like, they exonerated like a lot of Nazi scientists and they brought him into NASA and they say like, that's how.

Yeah, but we just left all the people starting in ghosts. And it's amazing that the hatred of Jews is what got us to the moon. Well, allegedly, because let's be real, Russia, like, was beating us in the space race. Like, Russia, they were the first to break the atmosphere. They were the first to send a man to space. Like, literally, like, the entire space race had been conquered except for landing on the moon. And then all of a sudden America was like, oh, yeah, we landed on the moon. I'm not fully sold on it.

Don't tell. Don't tell Jake. He's in a piss his pants over this. He gets very... Why? Why haven't we gone to the moon since? We can't even... Look at SpaceX.

Funded by multibillioners. They can't even fucking get a rocket to launch. What's going on? I'm so very easily... I don't fucking believe it. Stanley Kubrick. You think he did it? He died and conveniently we haven't had a moon landing sense.

Well, I think we have. No, we haven't. No. I thought there was like 13 moon. No, you're wrong. dude well the fucking uh it is one of those things dude it's you watch two thousand one of space odyssey it's crazy that that came out before we landed on the moon well and it's like it's like and how you know visually it's similar to what we saw yeah like there's all like these hints that

in his films that he's like oh i i fucking fake the moon landing tv yeah who knows who knows yeah he'll say the shining's all about the moon landing being faked hey if the moon landing happened fucking NASA scientists Reform Nazi NASA scientists send me into space and safely return me and I'll renounce everything I said about the moon landing being fake. It'd be funny if we reviewed that

footage, we're like, how do we know it's fake? And it's just like two big moons next to it. I don't think those are real. Yeah. Breasts. Are you a breasts guy? I love breasts. I love ass. I love legs. Do you like... I love all aspects

of a woman's bodet. Sometimes I like those, like the breasts that are kind of pointy. Dude, first time I got caught, or one of the 1900 times I got caught watching porn, it was, I looked up all my PSP, like, pointy boobies just like that. My parents are like, this is a weird thing to be looking at. It's awesome. It's really triangle-shaped, like. Like Laura Croft.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's something about it. It reminds me of, like, a middle school teacher in the 1970s, you know? Yeah. No, no, there was a pointier boobie. time in history. A poignant boob. The bras, I think maybe the bras are poitier back then. I think the American diet changed.

I think it's the food. Yeah. Now all of our food is like genetically modified to give you huge cans. The tits are going to get bigger and bigger. But our dicks get smaller. Those are some GMOs I can get into. Is there actually science behind that? Because I do think there's obviously the, there's a whole

workaholic thing about dad dicks being big. But is there science that the penis size is shrinking? I think our taints are shrinking. Which by all means, get rid of thing. Yeah. What good is my taint ever done me? That misfistigial organ, the taint. Well, I mean, stops you from shitting on your balls. Like, our asshole and our balls are getting closer together. So pretty soon, like, our balls are just going to be falling into our assholes. You ever fart on your balls? No. Dude, oh, that's my favorite. Do you a long car

ride? In the, in the South Park world, that's illegal. You never fart on a minute. Did you ever play stick of truth? Of course. You know, they're like, but by God, don't fart on a lot. Don't fart on a man's balls. Oh, is that a thing? Yeah, they keep saying it like, like you can literally kill someone just never fart on a man's ball. Dude, if you're driving and I used to drive and then, this is weird, but I'd squeeze my legs together with my balls and fart. So like the fart, the air pocket will tickle the side of the balls. Yeah, it's a little vibrate, a little rumble pack. Yeah, yeah. Probably makes a fun, rumble fun sound. Probably makes my balls smell so disgusting. I think balls do a pretty good job of smelling bad on the, yeah. They smell bad on their

own. But that makes them so beautiful. Mine smell as I'm walking out of the shower. Yeah. I'm like, how is there still heat and stank coming off? What is this, dude? Do you powder your balls?

It's so funny, too. You like, lick a pussy. You know, like, this smells gross. It's like, there's no way it tastes anywhere near as bad as fucking balls. You got to, like, splash a little fucking baby powder. Se on the pussy before you eat it. Oh, like it's the radiator of a car. You pour it, kind of smoke.

Steam comes off. Just dipping my balls in Pepsi, so I'd never have children again. You rascal He's always up to something Yeah, I want to have kids We were saying, I really? Yeah Do you?

I want to have 12 kids Do you really want to have Like you want to do the Gaffigan approach? I would do that He has like eight or something like that Dang Yeah

Some crazy amount Yeah he is a lot And you can tell Because his like bulge on stage Just keeps getting bigger Is that what happens You get bigger if you I heard Gaffigan is like a horn dog

I've heard that too Yeah horny. I've heard he's had sex with me. Don't leave your women around him unattended. He likes to, you got it.

He'll fuck you right in the hot pocket. There we go. I knew you were going to have a better one than me. The thing is, in my head I had a funnier line, and then you put the pressure on me, and I'm like, I forgot what it was.

Something about hot pockets. Hot pocket. Which, I haven't had a hot pocket. Dude, I used to eat now. crazy rate. Yeah, they're great, dude. They are. It's still good. Dude, Alan used to get this, like, bacon, egg and cheese one, and he would put it in the, he would put it in the microwave,

and the whole house would just smell like fucking ass. It was so pungent. Dude, this used to be my diet. This is how fucking insane. Like, I used to eat such garbage. I would have a hot pocket for breakfast. Nice. Well, way, you can, you can track this. Old morning goods. I described my old little diet back when I was in a relationship. I would eat Hot Pocket for breakfast, for breakfast, for breakfast, lunch, I would take like some ramen and I'd throw peanut butter in there with like a grilled chicken. Oh, so you're like a peanut chicken fucking pad tied. You mean like Scooby-Doo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that is like how a pot would be like, dude, you got to put a good fucking peanut butter and some ramen noodles. And then for steak. For dinner, I'd be like, well, I'll have a buffalo chicken wrap from the deli, which is not that bad, but everything else was just complete garbage. Yeah. My heart was probably just, dude, you throw colonnipin, Adderall drinking. Yeah. You know the people who eat ramen just raw, like crunchy?

Psychopads? Yeah, there's people who do that. I'm like that, like, when that's in your stomach, it must be, like, brand-up. I make ramen traditional. I just, like, I put two cups of water, the packet. The packet, and that's it. Yeah, that's it. And then I just, like, I drink the broth.

Yeah. Like, you don't know. Maybe he'll throw in an egg. If I want to get fancy, I'll throw in an egg. It's like, I'm not supposed to be thrilled with my meal. No, it's like, this is like, I just need sustenance. Yeah. But I would try to, like, spice it up a big.

I'll throw peanut butter. in there. I'll throw like salt and pepper. I would throw like oregano. This will make it not taste like nothing. Or my neighbor's cat. Yeah. Yeah, little cat. They're eating all of our fucking pets. God bless you, Mr. President.

Do you think he's going to win? Yes. Yeah. I know he's going to win. I don't. I don't know if he's going to have a woman president, dude. We're not going to have a little bit dystopia. I don't know if he'll win because I don't know if I trust the integrity of the election. Yeah. It's hard to try. I feel like more people will vote for Trump, but it will be like,

oh, Kamala somehow got like the popular. They'll say like, oh, Kamala got the popular vote or something. He's for exotic pets. He's for sure for having like a tiger. Well, I think here's what, honestly, like, no bullshit. Trump supporting Israel is going to get him the presidency. Like during the election, like, Kamala was like, oh, you know, Israel has a right to defend itself, but she added like the nuance of like, but, you know, also, uh, Palestinian.

need to be saying. But you know what, though? I know a lot of liberals that aren't voting for her because she doesn't have a strong enough take on power. So they're just not voting because she's not strong enough. People not voting is what's really going to put up Trump with the election. That's like the whole is like she can't, she has to decide really. She either has to be like very pro Israel or just against Israel to like, because that Palestinian voter group or whatever. There's no middle ground. There's no. They're so like intense about this issue. I actually know a lot of conservatives that are pro-Palestine too. It's really interesting. It kind of goes like all I know liberals that are fucking pro-Israel it's like it's nuts and it's like okay

I get it you want to have a fucking career in Hollywood but at the same time it's like yo this is fucking nutty and honestly like here here's my hot tank I don't give a fuck I think both sides are fucking retarded it's in a part of the fucking world I've said this I've said this so many times I'm never gonna fucking go there I say this on the podcast people start looking to me like crazy I'm like I don't care I'm not I care in the sense that people are like if this would save lives would you lose a little bit of money I'd say sure but I'm not going to pretend like every day I stay up thinking about this. Are you mad that you're not going to get a free

trip to Israel again? Get out of here. I'm never going to fucking go there. I'm never going to go. I'm never going to go to any place where they don't speak English as the primary language. You know what it is for me too, though? I think the reason it has not had an effect on me is because it's been going on since I was like a baby. It's been going on for fucking millennium. So now people are like, well, now, now,

I'm like, well, it's always been a nightmare. And I don't I don't believe in organized religion. Like, so why does it have to reach a boiling point in our lifetime? Why couldn't it wait like four more generations. It's the same shit that's been going on. Yeah. Nothing's going to fucking change. Why is it? Why is it also the American people's

responsibility? Let those little... But the thing is, people just want you to say it's horrible, which annoys the fuck. I mean, I'm like... But it's not. I think it is horrible. I think it's like a disgusting, like, there's a war is... It's a horrible thing what's going on. America should just take over that whole fucking area. Yeah.

You know the McDonald's? A water slide. Just build a bunch of Catholic churches. Yeah. I mean, I mean, it's like, I feel like we need to, like, abolish all religion. Imagine there's no religion. Imagine what a cracker barrel could do down there. Ooh.

The ultimate equalized. Yeah, I went to Cracker Barrel recently. Banger. It's so good. Durecousious. I've been a while. So good. And you get little games.

I'm glad you're getting in touch with your culture with that. Oh, dude, it's so good. You got to, you love Cracker Barrel. How far is the nearest Cracker? Probably, like, somewhere deep in Jersey or Queens. Queens has all the things you're looking for. Is there like a Times Square Cracker Barrow? Let's look.

That'd be cool if there was. James Donlin on his birthday would go to Times Square Red Lobster. Dude, I'm a big, I'm a big, like, I like it. I like going to change. Whoa, there's one on Staten Island. Oh, but it's the Cracker Barrel Deli. So I guess like the closest Cracker Barrel is actually in Mount Arlington, New Jersey. It's a little bit of a hike.

Not really. Let me look at the directions. Do you have a car? a three-hour train ride just to go to the cracker barrel. Hey, an hour and a half drive. That's not too bad. That's actually not bad at all.

You could really work up a nice appetite. Yeah, let's go. Get some biscuits and gravy. The only thing I was scared of is taking the Peg and slot IQ test that they have. Oh, I got four, so I'm like dumb. They're like, oh, you're a dumb old city slicker. I'm like, all right.

But it's like, how is this an IQ test when it's something I could just memorize how to do, like a Rubik's Cube. Like, a Rubik's Cube does not measure intelligence. No, it just measures your memorization. Or just how much little stuff you have going on in your life. Or how autistic you are. Exactly.

I've never seen a non-autistic person solve. How much you're trying to not masturbate? That's what a Rubik's cube. What about a Rubik's cube that turns into a pocket pussy if you accomplish it? Everyone will be solving that shit. But it's like 58 different colors. I have a vein in my forehead as I'm fucking trying to solve it.

Instead of just buying a pocket pussy, you're doing that. You got to earn it, dude. Earned pocket pussies feel better. I always said they should put a pocket pussy into like a, like utility, like into like the TV. Or into the bottom of the TV. Oh, yeah. So you can just like, you can have sex with your TV. That'd be fucking cool.

I'd watch like SpongeBob SquarePants finally. Yeah. I'd watch that first person porn. Yeah. And just fucking go to town. Do you ever do that and watch VR porn? Yeah, I did it at the last week of my relationship because it felt wrong before that. And I'm like, I already have a way out.

So I'll watch this. And it's just like, nothing makes you feel dumber than having a pile of jizz on you and goggles on your face. Do you have VR? I think I threw them out after that. No, no, no. I didn't throw an Oculus. I'm talking about it's the one where you throw your phone in it. I have an Oculus.

Do you want to use it? Oh, okay. Dude, you have a couple blocks away. Yeah. I really want to. to try that stuff out, but I don't want to get through it. He's playing video games every day as it is. Honestly, that's cool, though. It's fun. I love video games. I play video games every day. They bring me more joy than anything. When I went on my trip to Kansas, I brought my Nintendo

Switch. It saved my fucking life. On the plane, I just played. Did you almost take over the plane and committed second 9-11? Because I had my Switch, I didn't need to. I was like, dude, I'm playing Star Fox. He was fine. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. Star Fox. I'm playing Mario RPG. Well, my thing is this, if it makes you happy, who the fuck is to tell you don't do it? You know what I mean? Like, everybody loves to look at everyone's lives. Like, oh, that person plays video games.

That person, you know, had sex to the transgender woman one time. You know, they always make these things, but it's like, that makes you happy. It makes you happy, you know? Yeah, but I think like it is making a bunch of young men like myself, not interested in going out into the world and reproducing. There's nothing left in the world.

Dude, the world's dying, dude. Staying in a little box, play video games. floor. Well, that's the thing is like this world is going to shit, but so is all of like the legend of Zelda world. Right. So I'm, now I'm supposed to let that world go to shit when Link bear the responsibility onto me. And I just sit here and do nothing. No, no, no. They have crazy shit going on. Yeah. They have more, much worse than Haitians running around. High rule. That's the word of. High rule. Well, that's always the question, right? Is it like, are you supposed to save

people in other dimensions? Like if other dimensions are going through wars, do you have any obligation to help stop them? And that's how I feel about Israel, Palestine. It's another dimension.

It's in the world, dude. That's what we have the Avengers for, right? Yeah, yeah. They should handle that. Somebody else handle that, dude. That's not my problem.

What if, if Thanos's snap just got rid of all Palestinian people or whatever, or like, either one half or the other, like when he snaps his finger,

either Israel's gone, or all the Palestinians are going. Thanos is like, I will fucking wipe out half half of the population of the universe and that he does it and like just all the black people disappear. Like only white people are left.

And he's like, oh, it happened. Weird. Whoa. He's got to choose which have. It just happened that way. Completely randomized. I don't know what to tell you. I think we're at a

I really don't want this to end. I clearly tried to insert the chimp documentary in like nine times. Who cares, dude? I like the natural discussion, don't we? You start watching shrimp documentaries. What's it about? A woman who's trying to own shrimp. They're taking them away from her.

She keeps sliding shrimp. I love it. I'm in. I'm sold. Yeah. Yeah, that didn't really go anywhere. What do you want to promote? News from bed.

Check out news from bed. And that's all I have to promote. I'm just Yeah. Oh, sorry. It's my show. Okay. Okay.

I thought you were going to plug yours at the end because of that. Yeah, of course. You go. Oh, okay. You can check out my podcast, Super Selly Joe's. I do it with my buddy, Alex Thomas Sully. You can also follow me on social media at Joe W. Gorman.

That's Instagram, Twitter, all of them. And if you want to play video games, with me on Xbox. My gamer tag is Joe Gorman. Thank you for listening. I feel like I had something, I have no announcement. Thank you for listening. You're welcome.