Morning Good - The Director's Cut - Episode 308

Episode Date: March 22, 2026

Joe Gorman and Zach Russell join the show for today's episode. They talk about old-school war brides, the future Joe's Comedy House, and illegal bodega weed.Thanks to Zach and Joe for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes of the show and hit their links down below for more.Zach is on Instagram @zachrussellcomedy and used to host the Overshadowed Podcast, but not anymore. He has a special coming out soon though, so follow him to stay tuned. Joe is on Instagram @joewgorman and hosts the Super Selli Joe's podcast with Alex Tomaselli.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. Do you edit the audio yourself? Oh, no, I don't do anything. You don't do anything. You just hand it all off to a guy. That's why he's at the top.

Yeah, you air drop it, and now it's someone else's problem. Exactly. I love that. Are these plugged in? No. it's not. I don't know. No,

just push that. All right, all right. Okay, we're good. There it is. All right, Joe Gorman,

Zach Russell. Cheers. Fucking cheers, dude. St. Patrick's Day. We're all kind of Irish, right?

You have, you have those beautiful blue eyes. I am, I am Irish on my dad's side. Yeah. Just a little bit. We're all ethnically

consistent here. I'm an ethnic, I'm not having any problems, are we? I am a mutt dog. I am a mutt in the purest most American melting pot.

sense of the word. Yeah. Like my grandmothers loved fucking white cock dog. Yeah. Both of them getting cream pied by fucking Aryan men, dude. So the women, the Panamanian and the Japanese are both women? Yeah. They were colonists.

I have, isn't that good? Yeah, my grandmother was a war bride in like the most definitive sense of the word because my grandfather was an American GI based on in Sendai Japan. And that's where he met my grandmother, who was unmarried in her mid-20s, which was like a huge taboo in Japan. You're a kiddie. Yeah, they must have that there's something seriously wrong with her. Well, I think it was like that's probably why her family was so okay with her marrying an American.

Yeah, a white devil. When you say war bride, is consent not implied? No, it's sort of implied. I mean, because there were like a lot of war brides, but a lot of those marriages in the 1950s are just, you know, when American GIs would come back with foreign brides. A lot of it was like marriages of convenience. I could say marriage in the 50s was consent was. Barely.

Yeah. It's like consent really didn't come along. I'm going to say until like the 1980s. Yeah. The 1980s was very... Getset is different

when he's like holding a machine gun. He's like, do you want to be my wife? And she's like... That's what we call coerced. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Big a medicin. G. He's like, coerced and it's sexy. I read it. I read the handbook. Yeah. I know what women like. Yeah, dude.

Shit sucks. Yeah. For us, dude. I'd love to go to a fucking foreign country and pick up a little honey. You know? Where would you go? Go to fight the IRGC and figure it out.

They got some under the veil. That would be so funny. Hot babes over in Iran. Really? Yeah, dude. Let's do it, dude. Yeah. Aren't we in war with them?

We're at war. Should I volunteer to join the draft? Are they looking for out of shape 41-year-old men to join the draft? I think you're at the cream of the crop. Let's do it, dude. I think you're top 10%. Yes, I would like to be five-star general, please.

I would love to serve. That's my top choice. They're like, are thanking for service pick? I just did it to get some Iraqi pussy. It's the only reason. Iranian. What did we went out to Iraq? Did we go to Iraq at some point?

We already went to Iraq. Today? That was a, that was, that was months ago. Yeah, yeah. That is so 2008, man. 2000 late. Yeah. That was funny.

It was funny because there was, you know, there was that joke in the South Park movie where it's like, I'm going to Iran. Iran, Iraq. What's the difference? And now it's like, we've come full circle. Once again, South Park more relevant than ever. Yeah.

It's like, because they didn't know where Saddam Hussein was from. They're saying, we're going to bomb Iran. It's like, Ha ha, feel you, buddy. I'm from Iraq. Iran, Iraq. Also, I thought he was from Saudi Arabia. Yeah, that's the, that was another thing. I used to think that was a region. Oh, do you say Saddam or Osama? Saddam. Oh, Saddam. Oh, Saddam was

from Iraq. Was he? I thought he was from Iran. I don't know. This is the point, folks. Dude, who cares? Yeah. See, isn't that fucking great how we made it? We made it real. We made it real. This is how to America for a while was like a region, like the, like the northeast, the southeast, and that it was like, I didn't know it was an actual country.

I thought it was like Saudi Arabia. There's the Arabian Peninsula. Yeah. And then there's Arabian nights, like Arabian Day. Yeah. Is that like... A hotter than hot? More often than not.

In a very cool way. Is it like a medieval times kind of thing? Arabian nights? Yeah. I think the, yeah, that's like a dinner play. More like Jedi Knights sort of thing. There's the Arabian Knights. There's nice and shining armor.

There's white knights. One big problem we're having over there is that they have telekinesis. They have the force over there in the Arabianian. Really? Yep. What else you're going to do with all that desert, dude? You might as well be able to move rocks with your mind.

Yeah, you might as well eat a lot of spice and figure out metaphysics. Why not, dude? Yeah. Do you guys do the same thing, too, where you picture these countries and you're just picturing sand and rocks? All the time.

Dude, I think Africa is just like a giant fucking, like, Sahara. That is what I picture. I picture a little bit of a jungle, some machetes. Yeah, but then like you, because like, I mean, the only reference I have to Africa is when I,

when they made me watch roots. Right. You know. They made you, they held you. They really did. It was clockwork orange. Yeah, it was like molding my eyes open and like playing on repeat.

Racism is bad. I've never seen it because no one ever did that. Really? Yeah. Good for you. I never had to. You never had to watch Roots? No, I never had to read To Kill a Mockingbird either.

Really? I'm starting to wonder if my school was a white supremacist. To Kill a Mockingbird is pretty cool because it's like. Yeah, I know. It's a great book. It's like every, the real, what I took away from to kill a mocking bird is that any woman that accuses a man of rape is lying and trying to get that man in trouble, which is like.

That was the point of the story. That's literally the point of the story. It was like, this woman was like, this black guy raped me. And the whole time was like, well, let's fucking fuck him up.

And Atticus Finch, the most loyal person was like, no, I'm going to defend this guy. Yeah, is my boy cool. Yeah. You can do that shit.

Fuck the Me Too movement. That's really what the whole, that's really what to kill a mockingbird. The mockingbird is the Me Too movement. And now I, to kill that mouty bird. Yeah. Can you believe I'm no longer allowed

like to be an English teacher? No, that's shocking. That's crazy. That's, fucking nuts. You'd be the best one, dude. I would make all my students, like, fucking stand up on their desk and say, oh, Captain, my Captain.

Yeah. That would be tight. That would be great. What will be your ideal? I'm going to guess you want to teach 17-year-olds. Would that be your... 14. What book do you want to teach?

I guess mine cough. Yeah. That'd be a good one. The Bible. The Bible. Right. The two most influential books. Two equally valuable piece of literacy.

The two most important books of my life. I would be a cool teacher. I'd be like, we're going to read one. watchman. I was going to guess that. I would be having to teach watchmen. And you just be showing, you'd be like, look at these fucking titties, dude.

Yeah, I'm like, look at this shit. You like that? Just because there's pictures, doesn't mean it can't be literature kids. Yeah. Yeah. That is,

that is like. Check out the titties on page seven. Yeah. Yeah. That shit fucking rocks, though. It's amazing. I will probably seven times a year

watch the movie. Seven times a year? Seven times a year. It's like every, every two months. Every two months. You fucking fire up there. And then,

I got to get my Snyder fix. Yeah. Yeah, I think he makes cool looking movies. They just look cool. He understands he's a good... He should be a director of photography. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And not just like a straight up director-director-director.

I think if he collaborated with somebody, like honestly, if he collaborated with James Gunn, that would be fucking cool. They have. They have. They did Dawn of the Dead. Yeah, I want them to collect. And look how fucking good that was. Yeah, they need to collaborate again.

If they both collaborated on Superman, like I don't think Man of Steel would have had the controversy that it did or like even like the new Superman movie. The one thing he does though is he really gazed it up. Oh yeah. You're getting you're getting ab shots. But you're getting you're getting eye candy for, but like it's eye candy for everybody because it also give like big ass titty shots like up close.

Like remember Ava Green in the 300 sequel? Oh my God, yeah. Yeah. But remember 300 the movie. There's nothing men love more than looking at very strong men. Dude, men love seeing fucking shredded men. Like whenever like a guy's like fucking working out like the only if you're working out, like the only, if you're working.

working out regularly, like, you'll get way more compliments from men than women. Way more sneaky mirror glances from men. And like, honestly, like, when I'm working out, like, when I'm in great shape, yeah. Like, it's only men that suck my dick in the bathroom. Women, like, never follow me into the bathroom to suck my dick. Yeah. They don't even try to sneak in. Not even try.

Not interested. No hat and a fake mustache. No, not even, dude. Zero effort. I swear I'm a guy. I wonder, do you think a woman's ever secretly try to be a man to fuck a gay guy? Yeah. That's good.

That's good. That's a film, dude. Dude, that is a great script. That's a fucking incredible script. It's like, I bet you couldn't have fuck this gay guy. It's like, I bet I could. It's like, that's basically, isn't that the premise of she's the man? Amanda Bines is going around just trying to fuck gay men as a pretend.

No, I think the premise is she goes to school for her brother so he can join a band. What? Was I not the whole thing? What the hell did I watch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry. Yeah, well, that's also, it's like based off like a Shakespeare play. Yeah.

She art thy man. Yeah, yeah. That's what it's called. Yeah, yeah. Thou art thy man. It's, uh, I don't know. We learned about it in school. It's like 12th night or some shit like that.

I don't know. I know what you're talking about, dude. Everything is really based on Shakespeare. I, I failed Shakespeare the first time in college. Really? It's so easy. My teacher's a fucking cunt, and I hate her. And I hope she's doing horrible.

Really? I never read those plays. Damn, that's, damn. Well, shout out to Professor Bruce Avery from San Francisco State University, who really ignited my love of Shakespeare. Spear. Yeah, he sounds like a good guy. Shout out to whoever my professor was. I really liked it, but I don't remember their name. It's hard to remember some. I remember

Professor Lyle Barrens, who was another good professor I had. You remember the good ones. I remember my 8th grade math teacher, Jeffrey Diesel. What do you teach? Math. Sex Ed? I would. It was Shane Diesel. Yo, this is how you're going on, fuck a bitch? I would say this. You ever see a Shane Diesel

Cuck video? I don't know what you're talking about. He's too mean to the cucks. Shane Diesel, Big, Big, Big, Big, guy. Yikes. I would, that's like the worst kind of, like,

that's like literally like a horror film for me. A fucking black guy having sex with my beautiful wife, right? And I'm helpless. Two other black guys

holding me down for Cimito. That's the fucking treatment right there. Yeah, that's really like, well, I like, I like cuck porn,

but then, because it's hot to see a woman be mean. I like the one when she's like in a wedding dress and she's just like, guess marriage means nothing to me. I'm like,

oh. I don't like those parts. I just like a big, uh, cocked guy. I like, the, uh, the porno where once the guy nuts on the woman's face, it fades out and it says, and they all lived happily ever after. And then I can finally come. Yeah. Yeah. Or at the end they

jump, freeze frame. Yeah. Credits roll. Yeah. Yeah. Do you stay, do you stay till the end of the credits to see if there's like a post credit scene at the end of the porn? Yeah. I do you have the, do you ever see the behind the scenes where it's like the violent, like, not like, but like more of like aggressive porn and afterwards? You said violent. Yeah. You can't take it back. Or you know, you're watching the porno where like they have like a knife and like they, like, they fucking throw it at the woman. Of course. It lands right by her head.

And she's like, oh, shit. Sure, but she's on the spinning wheel. Afterwards, like, they're both, like, both stars are naked, but they're, like, did you ever feel unsafe at any point? Did he ever hurt you? Do you ever not listen to your safety? And she's like, no, I love it. It's a lot of fun.

It's very, it's like, it kind of kills the boner. Yeah. You're like, that's why I realize. I like the post-credit scenes where they fill out their time cards. You don't be really. Yeah. You did not get here at 9 o'clock. It was 9.15.

Yeah. And they have a pretty tense exchange with the coordinator. That turns into another porn. Is there anything I can do to get another hour? Retroactively applied? I think we can do something. I think we can work something out. Well, the one thing is I don't like the racial cuck porn

because it makes it like weird. It's like a weird thing where she's like, and he's black. Yeah, look at this fucking animal. Do you remember the old black guy that they have to sleep next to it and it's always sunny? Yes. And then it was just an old man.

And then he's black and Max's like, that's two things. Yeah. So it's already a cuck. Why is it a racial component now? now. It's like, I was just trying to focus And this is the bone I have to pick with Shane Diesel. See, I want a

cock video where the guy is just standing there doing that. The cuck's black. Everybody's black. Maybe everybody's black. That's fun. That's what I would like. Oh, that's like, that's straight epony porn. That's black on black crime. That's yeah. Which I don't condone, by the way.

But it becomes homosexual. Well, it's pretty homosexual as it is, but it becomes homosexual when Shane Diesel's like bullying the cuck. And it's Why are you guys talking? Yes, exactly. It's about her being a whore, and that's fun, and her being disrespectful to the vows you made.

It's not about Shane D's being... Bullying a man. Yeah, Shane D. Bees be like, look that, lick that come off her face, you fuck a pussy-ass cook bitch. I'm like that. Wait, he licks the come off, another man's come off. Yeah, that's called... Well, if you spit in the mouth, it's called snowballing.

I can't believe this didn't come up on your KT interview. Damn. I try to keep it unsexual, because I was like, I know next time I'm be talking about fucking that bitch. have a good ice time. You don't want to make that pivot to. It's better to have layers and pull back. Yeah, I was like UFO investigator.

Yeah. You opened with a nice, I sell, blood plasma and feedpicks. Yeah. And that's just the first layer of Michael Good. That was funny that how much nothing's changed that much. Because I mean, you don't get some followers. I'm excited about that. One of the first DMs is, what about them feet picks, though?

And I'm like, oh, yeah. Can't escape. What we call that? You're killed Tony interview is the top of the funnel. Yeah. You could probably make some good money with that, dude. A lot of leads are going to be coming in. I've made like $100 so far.

You can probably make more, dude, at this point. Now they're going to be in demand. That is true. I just wish somebody would Venmo me from the show. I'm just like somebody. That's what I thought they were going to say is they're like, it'd be funny if you was like, you could either do MSG or I'll Venmo you $5,000.

I would still take an image. No, I would do the $5,000. Or MSG or you could say your Venmo and we'll plug it right here. We'll like put it up on the screen. Because it's like a million people who've already seen it. If a million people sent $1, that's kind of crazy. I would have gotten a million dollars. Dude.

Wait, that is kind of. How do I tax that? Dude, if a million people You wouldn't. Set you $2, you'd have $2 million. And if you say it's a gift, you don't have to pay taxes on it. People should just give to me.

You could just have a million friends. That's none of the IRS's business. So I was going to say recently, but this was like a few years ago, but I got an inheritance. And it was like a nice chunk of change. Sorry for your game. Thank you.

Let's just say it's enough to open a very poorly maintained Brooklyn Comedy Club. if I wanted to. Are you going to? I might. Hey. We talked about it before. You're going to have the Joe's Comedy House where the women are in the restrooms and you feed them prune juice.

Let me check the camera again because that are Explain to me Joe's comedy. It's a Chuck Barry style restaurant. Yeah, basically like it's like women are constantly shitting and pissing on you. Only dudes you have to do drugs. Like you have to. Yeah. It's a given.

We're going to get that in post. It's still recording. you're worried about, you know what? One time I was recording on my phone and it stopped recording and this was like years ago and like to this day I'm still worried like I hope it's recording but you know what?

I learned just to let it go. It's like hey. But once you're covered in the women staffs at Joe's coffee shit and comedy house is prune juice shit then you're gonna be fine. I don't know what that all was.

I'm still a little loose on the bike ride I haven't worked out in a while. I have exercise induced asthma. But long story short, like the inheritance I didn't have to pay taxes on it because it's an inheritance. So you don't have to, certain things you don't have to,

You're saying I should murder my dad. No, just saying like, Tim Butterly. Just say, like, give this to me as a gift. Like, like, money you make through, like... The estate. So, say, Patreon. Patreon would be technically a payment because you're exchanging certain. Like, you paid for this, and here's a service I'm providing you.

But if, like, say, like, go fund me's, you don't have to pay taxes on those because those are technically gifts. Okay. So if you really, so really, like, what you should say is, like, here's a go fund me. for my footpicks. I should have said I was in the, when I was in Austin, I was out of town during the shooting. I should have said I was injured in the shooting.

What shooting? There was a shooting on 6th Street, which was originally my kill Tony open line. I was gonna say, so it's kill Tony? What was fucking last night? Kill everybody on 6th Street in my line? Boom!

Boo! Hey, fuck you! That's very funny. Isn't it funny? Like, everyone's like, oh, we love freedom of speech, but then like the minute you say something that's like offensive

where you say like, oh, Joe Robbins. It's not even offensive. It's just like something local that they have heard about. Yeah. They're like, no, that's where I live. By the way, no other shooting has just gone so we forgot it.

Everybody just forgot that the guy just murdered a bunch of people in Austin. What happened in New York? Tell what? People die every day. What's going to happen in New York? You forget a thousand things every day. Make sure this is one of them. Yeah.

Yeah, well, with the train, obviously was stopped because it happens all the time a week ago because somebody got hit by the train. Yeah, but we get over that shit quick. Yeah. So it's the train. Oh. That's why we fucking, I'm telling you, the demand for you is. Through the roof.

That's why I brought my special ripped socks. Oh, damn, dude. Yeah, you know, that is a thing, like, with podcasts, like, you'll get, like, a bump in views if you show off feet. I've learned that. What do you think we're doing? But I'm done. Dude, I am like, I am like, I don't know, I'm like Spider-Man tearing off the black venom soon because it's like, I just, I, the other day set up my phone. The guy wanted a video, took the video, I looked at it, and I said, no.

You can't look at it. That's the secret. I go, no, no, no, enough. I do zero QA. Enough is enough. Enough is enough. I didn't like the way it felt. It's weird, dude.

I mean, you got to have, it's kind of like a lifestyle commitment. But, you know, the scary thing is it gets easier the more you do it. So it's probably good that you're stopping before you get completely desensitized. Well, because I've literally, I've literally had women that are into weird shit and they're like, he's in a picture of you spreading your butt cheeks. And I'm like, sure, got my legs in the air, showing a little hole. I don't give a fuck.

It's my body. I had a, I had a room. roommate who used to sell feet pick. And, like, she was, every once in a while, she was like, can you help me take pictures? That's awesome. And I'm like, all right. But, like, it was like, I don't know, it didn't do anything for me. Hmm.

Hmm. I like that role. You're purely there for the job. It was like, I didn't even get, like, a cut. I was just trying to be a, I was just trying to be a nice roommate. Did you get a chub? You should. No, not even, dude.

No chub, no. Feet don't do any. Oh, his feet. I thought you said a hole. You should have gotten photos. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Whole would have.

Dude, I was like, Joe, I hate to break it to you. You're a gay man. I would have been like a fucking still life photographer. I'm like, all right, let's just say it. And then a little, a little gleam to bring out. Get some Lysol. It's going to burn, but it's going to come out. A little, a little, like, yeah.

No, it was just feet picks. Yeah. If she did like a, that would be fucking wild, dude. But that also, that's what the story I thought you were telling me. But no, it just means like she was completely like, not. I thought you said a girl invited me over to showhole and I did, I got nothing. Oh, no, no. My roommate was like, will you help me?

take feet picks for the sky. And I was like, oh, okay. And, like, I didn't understand, like, there was such, like, a huge demand for, this was in, like, 2018, you know, before there was, like, I feel like it was during the pandemic. Everyone got into, like, weird sexually, right, you know?

Well, Mike, can I ask, was it, was your face in it or was it just your feet that you felt weird about this pick? I did, I did do one with face in it. Uh-oh. And when you looked at it, because isn't that weird that, like, how did you do it? Did you have, like, what are you doing it?

Like, were you, hello? Yeah. Michael here. Were you like a little baby? putting your foot in your mouth? Yeah. No, I just, I just have my feet up like this, put my phone over there. Right.

And then did it. But isn't it weird, though, you do have that feeling of you're like, ooh, this is icky. And it seems so easy to send those, but you're like, we do have some sense of shame. I thought I had no bottom is my point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a shame well. I have the bottom of the shame well. Yeah, well, because the other guy, man, I got one guy and he's just like, hey, brother,

you want to throw on some flip-flops, just send a quick feet pick. I'm like, yeah. And then when I'm sitting on the couch going like that, that, that ain't nothing. When you put your phone over there, though, and you got to, like, check it. How much do you make per photo, if you don't mind? It's like, 25 to 35. That's not bad. No, yeah, yeah.

But I was just like, I'm not doing this. Do they ever, like, hey, will you walk through oatmeal? I want to do that. I am a guy's background on his phone now, though. Really? Yeah, because he's like, can you send a selfie? I'm like, yeah, I'll send a selfie. And then my background is just this guy's.

Whoa. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, by the way. But, yeah, you know, it's a, you know, it's a, It's definitely a weird feeling. But it's so weird, too, because I've sent, like, showing pictures with my ween or my face in it. I got a weird thing where, like, women say my dick's small, so I'll take angles or my dick looks tiny. And then I got an average penis.

But I'll play around. Six and a half? Seven. Soft. Yeah, no, no. There's six on the dot if I'm pushing the roller in. That's pretty good. That is technically how you're supposed to do.

You're actually supposed to start at the back of your asshole to the tip. That's what I do. All the way back to the base of your balls. Well, all. Also, it's the thing if you take adderol, your dick shrinks. Does it? No, it doesn't. It's to give more blood to your brains.

Maybe in that moment. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Not forever. No, it just. Right? Right, guys? When I was a teenager, I would literally...

Measure your dick? No, I couldn't tell if I took my adderol at day. I couldn't remember. And I'd literally go to the bathroom and pee, and if my dick was small, I'd go, almost to take it. But sometimes I'd see a regular size penis and I'll go, wait a second. There is. Whose penis is this?

Yeah, who's penis is this? It was my actual penis, yeah. Yeah. But... This is my unfocused hammer. Yeah. This is my distracted dog. It does make you Chinese.

It does make you go peepy in one's coke. Oh, that's very funny. Have you done a joke about that? When I was 15, I wrote a joke like that. That's fine. I told my Asian tutor, and he's like, what? Oh, you dishonor me with a riddle peepee. And you're like, well, you're doing a Japanese accent, Mr. Chinese guy.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. You're doing that fun. any accent to make fun of them. So what are you going on there? I get that pass. Yeah. Because you get all focused, you know, you start to squint a little bit. You get, you get, it just makes you Asian. Yeah. But it, yeah, they can't. I know, I know, scared to your mom. Yeah. Oh, genuinely. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, that was funny watching my mom, my, my sister sent me a video. Oh, of course, dude. What is that? Is that weed? It's nicotine, right? Oh, fuck that. That's just poison, dude. I don't, I don't, I don't, you know what, it's like, I don't drink. I don't smoke cigarettes. I just do every other drug that's that's available and given to me. Are you really considering starting a small failing comedy club? Yeah. Nice. Why not? Sure. Why not? It's the only way I'm going to get in at any of these clubs, it seems. Like, Jesus fucking Christ. Like, yeah, I fucking made my, I preemptively don't. Booker at your own club. Yeah. I hire, I hire Kyle Gillis to fucking book my comedy club as well.

Yeah, I, uh, no, I'm the same way. I like, I like, I do say, I gotta do it fucking I know I've been drinking too much because I'm starting to like have conspiracy theories that the bodega is making the buzz balls weaker I'm like crushing them and I'm like man

they're fucking ripping me off with some fucking bullshit There shit means nothing is not drunk They're diluting the buzz balls Yeah that's gotta be it I definitely don't you have a crazy tolerance So I'm uh yeah I'm gonna try to take a little step back Are you a daily drinker?

No I would say probably four times a week That's pretty good If bodegas do sometimes I mean Have you seen pictures? of like this is regular ketchup and this is the weird bodega ketchup? They do that with zins all the fucking time. Really? I will get bad zins to bodega and I'm like this is fake and

there's not a QR code in the back. I've gotten to this one's already been used. You know what that's called embezzling skimming off the top. Damn. That's great. They're scanning them all then they're selling him. So they're getting all the zin points. If you get a thousand of those, you get a metal tin. Oh, really? You know, Jomeby points

to get per thing, 15. Bodegas are such like fucking like, it really is just like the Wild West sometimes. But we don't agree to those terms, though. Because, like, they'll sell you things that they're not supposed to sell. Right. Like, weed. Like, they're lying.

I'm telling you. No, no, not, like Lucy beers or Lucy cigarettes. They're lying about weed over there. And in exchange for that, they will sell you whatever. Yes, but this is my big problem. They're fucking lying to me about weed. I go in there all the time I see them sell people weed. I go in there like a degenerate.

I just get zins and fucking buzz balls and ice cream. You're an ideal customer. Yes. For weed. For an upsell. And then I go, the other night, the weed store was closed. I'm like, hey man, can I get some... And he goes, no, no, no, no, no.

I go, I know you have it. He's like, no, no, no, no. And I'm like, dude, do you think... It's so frustrating because I'm like, I know you're lying to my face. Yeah. All bodega sell weed. Yeah.

There's no way they stay afloat otherwise. Yeah. Oh, what? A fucking chop cheese is going to fucking keep the lights on here? I need some fucking Schedule 1 drugs, baby. Yeah, I want rents and insurance. That being said, but yeah, the bodega weed will make you blind. There's no doubt in my...

Like, I smoke it, and it's like... It's two CB. This is, at best. At best. At best. It's probably like not even, it's probably like fucking oregano or some shit. Or like the thing where they,

um, they take the weed and like run it through like a vaporizer. So all the THC is removed and they just sell you like the leaves or shit, dude. Yeah. All kinds of shit, dude. Like, like, do you think a guy at a bodega cares if you're smoking gay to do?

There's no way they don't give a fuck. They're like, all this is bad. Yeah. You're doing drugs. It's bad. So we'll sell you drugs. It's like those countries that like,

I mean, I'm pretty sure what is heroin like in Afghanistan? Because I know, incredible. No, I know. I was saying, like, do they have a problem with it? No, they love it. Because I know there was a huge thing. That's like the main expert.

They have a bunch of poppy fields in Opium and Afghanistan. I don't know. There's a direct correlation. I don't know anything about history. There's a direct correlation between the war in Afghanistan and the opiate crisis. I haven't put the pieces together. I've talked to other people and they said like, because what happened was we went over there and the, what do you call it? The Taliban was like stopping the fucking, they were stopping the, uh, they were stopping the, uh,

the drug trade right weren't they was that yeah they were heroes yeah like no the first they're freedom fighters mike the first rambo movie the original thing was like dedicated to the brave soldiers in afghanistan protecting and saving um their culture basically i might have this completely backwards but there's some sort of thing dude i remember well you know i mean the crazy this is like the only fun fact i know because my grandma worked for the CIA and it is true uh My great grandma, somebody up there. But we 100% worked with the Italian mob. The CIA literally worked with the Sicilian mob.

It's part of the godfather, too. Godfather won. It's also what I meant. Was your great grandmother and the Godfather won? I wish, man. Who played her? Actually, Robert Duvall played with my grandma. Yeah.

Yeah, sexy fucking grandma. Yeah. They did ask my, let me get back to the, opiate thing, they did ask my mom to be in Jaws and she said, no. The naked girl, the beginning went to her high school. I'm like, thank God my mom's beautiful boobs were not in Jaws. Thank God.

That's wrongly for me to see. You can have them all to yourself. Whenever you go to a room, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. I'm just sucking the TV. She's like, Michael, you're fucking 29 years old. I'm like, I'm sorry. It's not a sexual thing. It should have been you, mom. It's a nurture reaction. It's not, I'm not incestual.

But anyways, sucking the knobs on the TV. Yeah, I'm just... Michael's trying to suck his own mom's tits. But when Jaws came out, they were asking my mom to be in it. She's like, I don't want to be in some dumb sci-fi. Because that was like one of his early movies.

She's like, I don't have been some dumb shark movie. But anyways, the CIA was like, we will... If you give us Mussolini's location, we'll let you basically sell heroin in the United States. And that's... That would 100% happen. Yep.

We don't have a, we don't have a Jamie on this show. Maybe after. So it's okay to fucking do heroin because... The CIA, yeah. That is such a funny cop-out, though. If you can say you're doing it pursuant to capturing the new Supreme Leader, then yes. I do love the new CIA guy that's been on a lot of pods. You've seen that guy?

Cash Patel. Love him, no. No, no. He's FBI. CIA guy's John with a K with a K, right? He has the best clips. There's some clip of him on Joe Rogan. His glasses?

Yes. He's like, he's like, I go into jail for the first day. and the whole conversation he has his fist stuff and they say, hey, you a chomo? He's like, what does that mean? Child molester, he goes, no, I'm not Chimelester, you fag? No, I'm not a fag.

He goes, cool. You can sit with the Ariens now. He goes, oh, great. Now I got to sit with the Arians. It's just the funniest little, the other story about like, and then the tuba plays. Damn, like, they would think,

I would just be like, are you chomo? I'm like, I guess so. Are you like, what would you? I speak a little. a little Spanish. I was like, K? I was like,

oh sure, I'm whenever you want me to be handsome. Just a cholo hanging out with all the pedophiles. Yeah. Because he thinks they said cholo. I don't think I belong here.

He's my fucking group, bro. That guy, that guy, the FBI, he, he, he's been on like a lot of pods lately. He's been doing like a real long.

He's been doing the rounds. I don't believe any of those guys. No, you should never believe your government. Yeah, because I do believe him because he was a microphone closer. I swear to God, I do believe him because he went to federal prison for 22 months for whistleblowing on the CIA torturing people.

And the CIA wanted him to go to prison for life. Okay. But, you know, he good behavior, appeals, whatever. So we got it after 22 months. And now he was doing all these podcast rounds. He wrote a book, so that's what he's trying to sell. Okay. But I do believe him because the CIA does not like that he's doing this.

But then the CIA would just kill him. Maybe they still will. I don't know. I mean, he's sharing things also that are at this point outdated. He hasn't been in the organization for years. That's also the really funny thing where people like, the CIA tried to kill me. I'm like,

did they really? Because how did they not kill? There's always stories like, yeah. It's like, oh, man, I walked out of the way. The bullet went by my ear.

And you're like, how does the CIA know how to kill John F. Kennedy, but they don't know how to kill you. Right. That's the thing. That's why I always think, like, well,

Trump must not be doing anything like so bad because if it was like really going to end America, the CIA would fucking, the CIA would have told that little train kid. That's a very optimistic way to think about the state of affairs. I don't think fucking Trump's all fucking It's like he's unstoppable Like the power, the president is so fucking powerless

I think it's just we haven't had one that's so Openly retarded Which is kind of charming Sure, yeah But that is a great way to soothe people's fear It's like no, no no if he's truly Troublemaker will kill him Yeah, yeah, they would like Kennedy

Yeah yeah yeah Yeah what was Kennedy playing We're all like oh it's because he was doing good stuff What if Kennedy was about to actually do really bad stuff That's why they killed them What if it was a good thing that july? Why was it are the theories out there that they He wanted to stop

He wanted to open trade with Cuba Yes, and Israel people think Because he didn't want to Well, his brother got killed by Sirhan Sirhan Because of Israel stuff But open trade with Cuba He wanted to open up fair trade in Cuba as well I think the CIA just wanted to plow

Maryland in Row and they were like True Also Kennedy smoked weed And he was chill with black dudes He was chill with black dudes He was killed teamed Maryland in row He doubled teamed Marilyn Monroe with his brother That is so cool

That's awesome. That's fucking tight. Would you double team like a hot, famous lady with your sibling? With my brother? Yes, not my sister. I double team. I double team. With any of you guys, obviously.

I double team somebody with Michael's sister, I think. Yeah. All right, thank you, man. Maybe I'll be, I double team Michael's brother with Michael's sister. Oh, yeah, that would be, yeah. Because I don't think it's ins, I weirdly, I got weirded out. I did match with twins one time on field. They weren't identical.

But they were like, they wanted to do like a four-sum with one of their boyfriend. and them, because initially I was like twins. And then my OCD got crazy. I was like, technically, I'm going to get arrested for incest, which just isn't going to happen. That's never going to. Twins are a whole different feel, dude. Yeah.

It's like for whatever reason, for whatever reason in our society, we don't consider anything that happens with twins a form of incest. Because they already share the same brain. Yeah, exactly. It's just the same person twice. It's just masturbating. Yeah, yeah. Two twins lick each other's pussy.

Well, that made me feel weird is they were like, the twins were like, yeah, we do sex. stuff together. That is weird. Yeah, that's weird. But they're twins. They're fucking insane. There's no such thing as like an unweird twins. Do you think IVF people sit down the parents and they're like, look, there's a high chance that your kids are going to grow up to have sex with each other. You'll have a beautiful family, but it's going to be very close.

Yeah, it's going to, because it's like the chances are, dude, it's like, yeah. Because IVF, the only kids, the only families that babysat, I babysat three families in New York ever, all twins, all IVF. If you do an IVF, you're getting twins. IVF just sounds like border it's so borderline eugenics Yeah if you go in dude I mean it's I guess I heard a lot of things are borderline you

I'm just gonna nut in a bitch And if I get a baby cool it's God's will And if not equally God's real Regular F is now kind of eugenics Because you can do all the tests and you know Do a little hit restart I'm not allowed she's not allowed to take any tests Nice

She's gonna be in the basement Chained up for the full nine months That's good Being fed the diet that I decide. Yes, from a two. Probably all meat to ensure a male. Watching Andrew Tate videos to make sure she knows her play.

Yeah, just playing Andrew Tate podcast in the belly instead of like classical or opera music. Yeah, that's, that's, I don't know, because it is like, I've heard they're really strict at the cum clinics. Like, ever you try to donate your jizz? And they're like, whoa, you shouldn't even step foot in this building. No, because like, it's like, okay, you're not smart enough. Like, anyone under like five foot nine is just like turned away immediately.

Okay, I'm five, ten. I don't want to give my fucking sperm. You want my sperm suck it out of me the old-fashioned way. I'm not going to... You can buy my sperm at Christie's. I'll be at an auction house. Give me fucking 20 bucks and I'll fuck your aw. If that's what you...

You want a baby? I'll give you a fucking... That's what people do know. I go direct to consumer. Yeah. Why would you do Ivy? Just pay some fucking guy to fucking nut, you know? Yeah.

I like this idea. Farm the table. I do want to say, acts like I'm giving sperm just to see how much I could get for my sperm. I got to show them kill. Tony, obviously. Right.

What do you think about this? Star power. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, is Hans

Kim here? I'm like, fuck. Yes. We're actually, Camp Patterson, sperm is not the man at this clinic. So can you get some of his

jizz? I'm like, damn, I've had like professional football players. I'm surprised they don't sell. I guess they don't need to sell sperm. Yeah, they don't need money.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're not like, I'm surprised like fucking scientists and fucking athletes. Spence doesn't sell this sperm. Yeah. Like his sperm is probably worth a pretty penny. Pretty penny.

A little bank, right? Going back to the bodega thing, why they won't say you weed, this happened to me like yesterday, and it kind of freaked me out, but it may shine a light on why then. Do you think they think you're a cop? An undercover, because a guy asked me the other day, he goes, hey man, do you have the time? I took out my phone. I go, yeah, it's 441. He goes, you, NYPD? And I'm like, what?

And he goes, you got a gun on you? And I'm like, no, man. And I walked away with my dog very quickly. Yeah. But I think he- Was the guy black? well that doesn't matter I mean

big time but but uh weird question though someone asked if you're like my PD I have a gun do you think I'm a cop because I'm coming in these late hours I occasionally

but I come in there drunk but that also doesn't mean I'm not you have a few minorities zip tied behind you yeah exactly right yeah but those are just your podcast guests exactly and you're doing a bit yeah yeah yeah just a bit just having to laugh officer

having to laugh yeah no officer taking a piss yeah Joy. Yeah. I'm trying to get JFL, so that's why I kidnap. But I think me and you have... Michael Good just auditioned, though. Who did? Other Michael Good auditioned last night for JFL.

Damn. I think we got some cop face a little bit. Oh, we got big time cop face. Damn, dude, I look like a retired cop right now. Right. I should be a cop. Maybe I'll cut my hair, keep the mustache. Like, I'll hit you up if I need something, some internal work done. Yeah. What's all this year? What's all this? Yeah.

I love fucking corrupt-ass cop, dude. Why not? Do you think British, they gotta have corrupt British cops. That's a very funny idea. To the blonde door to that one, I would. Absolutely. Yeah, I didn't see, I don't see nothing. Yeah. Give me a little tuppence there, and I'll say I don't see nothing.

A few pence? Just a little bit, just a pound of two. Quit my way. I wish they knew how hilarious we think they are. British people? Oh, it's so funny. They're so unintiminating. I don't know, it's like, I don't know, it's like, okay, so I watched 28 days later for the first time.

Terrifying. Is that fucking funny? it's like filmed on an iPhone. Wait, the newest one? No, the latest one is film. It looks better, but the original one was filmed digitally. That was the issue with it because now they can't remaster it.

It looks like shit. It looks like shit. It's so funny. It looks like... The one with, it has like the... Like the post-rock soundtrack. Yeah, the one they use in Kickass later, which I don't know how they got the licensing on that,

but the kick-out... Is that the movie where there's a drop of blood and it goes into his eye? Yeah. Okay, so that's the first one. Yeah. Okay. Sorry.

I'm back. But like, so that's all filmed. It was filmed digitally. And at the time, it was like, oh, this looks cool. And now, now that, you know, digital filming has gotten so much better, when you watch it now, it's like, it's like, oh, it's filming like 480P. Yeah. It's insane. And I guess I didn't notice that.

I was like, this is how all movies looked like in 2005 or whatever. I mean, basically, well, not really because, like, they would still be on film. Right. It was, and movies that were shot digitally, like, say, Star Wars had such a fucking massive budget. that it basically looks comparable to a film, but for 28 days later it was filmed on basic digital camcorders. So there was limitations to it. And they can't, like, they can remaster anything on films.

The films, they can remaster. Right, because they can get the original footage, which is, you know, basically 4K or cable. Besides those movies, it's so funny, there's like a Hollywood fire and a lot of things got, like, lost. Like, I'm not positive this habit of Batman forever, but apparently there's, like, a director's cut of Batman forever that they're, like, not releasing.

It's not going to be any better. No, but that's the thing Is like everyone wants like I would say because of Zach Snyder And the Justice League Everyone wants like a director's cut Of fucking like well maybe the shitty movie might be a little less shitty That was my favorite with the butterfly effect

So if you ever seen the butterfly effect There's two endings to it Yes yes There's the original which is And then there's the movie if you watch it after going to the bathroom Where Ashton Ashton Coucher like goes up to the He goes back in the original is he goes in time And tells a little girl like get away from me

I'm going to piss in your mouth or something. And so she runs away. And so the girl, like, they never really meet up and stay friends throughout life. And because of that. And the ending is kind of beautiful. So I like the message. The message is if you really love somebody, you care less about being with them and more about them having a happy life. So basically, Asher Coucher can time travel.

And in any scenario, this woman's life gets ruined. So. Why didn't he stop Masterson? He should. He knew, dude. He knew what was going. They all knew what was going on. I like that the other Masterson is.

up, but we're like, yeah, we'll put him in reboot. He wasn't the one raping. I like, I like the other Madison. Danny Masterson. Well, there was, what was it? Matton Middle, the older brother. Yeah, Danny. It was Danny Masterson, and what was the other one's name? Fanny. I think Eric, Eric Masterson

maybe. Yeah, he's still good being Reese. Well, you know, both, he's, uh, what's his name? Francis. Francis, the oldest, yeah. So both of those guys, you know why they don't talk to their father anymore? No. It's because they're all Scientologists, but their father spoke out against the church of Scientology and because of that

So Francis, like the one from Malcolm Middle is also Scientologist? Yeah, dude. Oh, damn. Yeah. Well, you does a good job. Yes, no, maybe. I don't know. Can I please go to Zeno? An alien soul is in my body.

An alien soul lives in my body. Edward. Wait, what is the name? Ron Hubbard's the boss of me now. El Ron Hubbard's the boss of me now. Of all the sci-fi writers to, like, base your religion on, why the shitty one? I know. Why not Tolkien? Why not?

The Koreans could have ran with Tolkien. I would love to be, damn, dude. Oh my God. If Hitler co-opted Tolkien, I don't know if they were in the same time period. Were they? Yeah. He would have won. Yes.

So he actually fought in World War I, Tolkien did. Yeah. And that's why he had, if you watched the movie, like, a lot of it's actually him, like, kind of taking some of the war stuff he experienced and, like, rewriting it into fantasy. But I do want to knock it off. Let me finish this butterfly effect. Finish. So the whole point of the movie,

otherwise all our lives will be different dressed. Yeah, I'm saying. So the whole point of the movie is, you know, his, him and this girl, her dad is a child pornographer,

and basically her life's always ruined. And I, it's very weird. Yeah, we downvote that in the morning good pocket. Sure. Yeah, Joe might feel a little differently, but Joe's got a business.

Yeah, I'm an entrepreneur. Dude, When fucking pennies get involved, it's a totally different moral compass. But he, basically, it's kind of funny that he goes, I'll never meet this girl and her life will be good. It's like, her dad is still a pedophile. That didn't change anything. Just because he is not now in the porn.

The guys, I guess I'm not even going to shoot this child porn now that Ashton Cochton. Damn, that was a fucking crazy man. So is the premise that the dad hired Ashton to shoot it? So Ashton's like the... I've never seen it. So Ashton Cutser is like basically her like... Lifelong boyfriend sort of thing. Yeah.

And basically her life keeps getting worse because he's involved with him. Even though her dad's just a child pornographer, I don't know how that would have changed if he wasn't there. But anyways, the theatrical cut, the movie's terrible. The theatrical cut ends with him going back at time being like, I hate you forever, whatever, when they're little kids, they never meet. Or they never really do anything. Hang out, yeah. And then the end is kind of a cute scene where they see each other walking the city. He knows and he looks at her and he's like, ah.

And then she looks back at him, but he doesn't see it. And then she looks away, and he looks back at her and sees it. She's looking away. So he keeps walking. You're like, that's beautiful. It's still a bad movie. Because it's like they kind of like, oh, maybe they had a vibe of like deja vu sort of. Yeah.

The, I only saw, I initially saw the director's cut, which is somebody. This movie was so bad. And there's always a director that goes, well, that's because they didn't see my inversion. The director's cut, he goes back to when he's a fetus, about to be born, wraps the embittical cord around his head and hangs himself as a fetus. And which is so funny to be like, that's what the movie is. supposed to be. That's the movie. Everything, that's terrible. And then apparently, I was

reading the comments, a lot of people saw different versions. And people were like, did I literally went into my office and was like, that was a beautiful ending. And people were like, what are you talking about? The fetus hangs themselves. He's like, what are you talking about? There's all this weird confusion because the director's cut ending. It was a pro-choice propaganda flick.

Yeah, it was just such a weird fucking thing, yeah. That's hilarious. That's tight. It's got Oasis playing the end. I like, sometimes director's cuts are good. Like, did you ever watch a little shop of horrors. Uh, no.

That was a good ad. Did you ever watch it? It's basically like, it's Rick Moranus, uh, fun like 80s musical comedy where a guy basically finds like a Venus flytrap from outer space. And, uh,

it gets bigger and he feeds, he feeds it people. Uh, the movie ends with Rick Moranus defeating the plant. And they find like a nice, he, he marries his girl. They find this white picket house.

They move in and then the camera pans down a little Venus flytrap, a little Audrey plant. And it shows, was like, oh, a plant is still alive. It leaves it open. In the director's cut, the original version, the plant eats Rick Moranis, eats the woman,

and then literally takes over the world. And the movie ends with a bunch of Venus flytraps being like, ha ha, we took over the world, don't feed the plants. And it has like cool scenes. It has like a giant Venus flytrap on the side of like the Empire State Building and one like taking over the Statue of Liberty.

And none of those scenes are in the original? Well, none of the scenes were, what happened was when the director why am I Frank Oz who's the voice of Miss Piggy and Yoda he directed it

the test audiences really didn't like that ending that's the original Broadway ending so if you see Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway you're going to see the ending where Seymour and Audrey get eaten by the plant and the plant takes over But I'm also going to have to sit through a gay Broadway musical

it's the least gay of I've seen some fucking Broadway musicals I'm like, this is gay as fuck. I would say the ones that I really enjoy, Book of Mormon. Of course, the Holy Grail, Monty Python, the Holy Grail, and Little Shop of Horrors. I like those. Those are fun musical. Don't forget, come from away, the 9-11 musical.

That's a very good one. It's pretty good. I saw it ironically in London. Yeah. So that the London theater. Whenever my dad comes out to visit, we have to go see a, well, we don't have. He's like, do you want to go see a Broadway show? I'm like, all right, because, like, how often do you get to do that, you know?

You got to take advantage. of living in New York. When your parents come and pay for it. I watched a real shitball play with Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick. It was like the Plaza Street Hotel. It's some old play.

Wasn't it C-Biscuit and Sarah Jessica Parker was playing the horse? Yes. Yeah. It was Macriarch. Crashes his car. Yeah. Kills a person, gets away with it. It was actually Mr. Hans. Oh, yeah. And Sarah Jessica Parker was playing the horse.

No, it was just some horrific play. It was like an old play. And the tickets were like 300 bucks. And I felt it was so hot in the theater. My uncle who's gay and my mom really wanted to see it. They wanted to see these people. And it was so expensive and such a waste of time. And it was so hot in the play that someone fainted.

And then someone was like, is there a doctor? And like half the people stood up. Because everyone was so fucking rich. No, so an audience member. Dude, I was in an airport. Because it was so stuffy. I was in an airplane one time, and I was just, like, kind of drunk. And I don't get nervous on airplanes because I'm like, this can crash.

It's not my fault. My anxiety is all around my mistakes. So I was in the airplane one time. So he goes, is there a doctor on here? Is there a doctor on here? And I literally pull my fucking sleep mask on and I just put it back down. I'm like, I guess this is nothing I can deal with. Yeah.

Yeah, I was like, all right, yeah. The three plays I saw it. So I saw Book of Mormon, Chicago, and then my mom took me to see Lion King. This is my one question with Lion King. I know it's not relevant to the plot. but when does Lion King take place? That is a great fucking question. Yes.

Is it, are there people? It's in the year 4,000. It's a drastically futuristic society. You have no idea. I'm like what's happening. Is there like a little kid wearing like a LeBron jersey with a rocket launcher on his back? Or are there guys trying to get elephant tusks to make boner pills? I'm just curious.

In the director's cut, you see the background of District 9 in the back. Yeah. What do they call them? Not crawfish. They call them, what do you call the, like, they're like shrimp,

craw dads? Crawdads. No, they call them. Prawns. Yeah, the prongs. Yeah.

The fucking prones. Yeah. That was a great movie. Yeah, I think it was a more, I think Lion King was probably more recent than other Disney films.

Or biblical. Yeah. Well, like, I mean, I don't know. They had pretty modern animals, right? So, like,

the Dota wasn't there. The Dodo never showed up to Simba's christening. This is helpful. This is helpful. This is helpful. So let's get a little timeline going. Yeah, let's think about what happens in the Lion King and try to piece this together. Yeah, let's get a timeline of things.

We got Nala and symbol wrestle. Yeah. That's where we all had to pause and take a break. We all had to pause and take them that. We're like, I gotta take a shower real quick, mom. Yeah. What a confusing thing you're like, why don't have sex this cartoon lion? Isn't that fucking funny how, like, did you make us?

I know. My question was how do I have sex with this cartoon lion? How does this work? Disney kind of created furries. Oh, yeah. Disney and then Warner Brothers with that Lola Bunny nonsense. Yeah, who did Jessica Rabbit?

Who did frame Roger Rabbit? Well, Jessica Rabbit was a human, though. So it just got you into hentai. Yeah. I say this, who framed me for beastiality after watching that movie? Who framed me for jerking off to do you? Yeah.

Yeah, because it's like, I don't know. What thing I think also about furries it's really funny is like, I think it's so funny that they're not, because everybody wants to compare the transgenderism and the furies and they go, oh, what's next? They're going to be a go, no, transgender people, they actually get the titties and cut off their weeners.

The furries are just wearing a costume. They're not even... They don't go to Turkey. No, I would love it. Get a full body transplants. That's which furies actually put fur on their skin. They should. But, like, imagine if, like, people, like,

genetically engineered themselves to have, like, a goat body or something like that. That would be so awesome. And, like, fucking, like, Oh, so you're against eugenics, but you're for... Um, no, I'm saying it. I'm saying it would, pro animorphs.

It would freak me the fuck out, dude. I'm saying like, get the, I wouldn't want them reading to my kids. Yeah. Our teacher's a half crocodile half lion. Get that splicer out of here. You're going to let centars have kids? Fucking splicers. You're going to let Incubi have children?

I wouldn't fuck with that. I would get wings though. Oh, dude, Joe is fucking beautiful angel wings. Not just for the Instagram pics. Like a bat wing, dude. That would be so sick. Especially like a, like, like, my fucking wings get all large and shit.

Ah shit, the train's down. Don't worry. I get fucking gasped out like a fucking quarter of a mile. Oh, fuck. Oh, Jesus. Flying is tough. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding?

It's like running with your arms. I know. It's like, just, ah, fuck this. I feel like it would have to come out when you're angry. Like, I picture like a bunch of like 1950s or 1930s, like street thugs come up to you and they're like, it's you and Kelly walking and they're like, hey, do it's, how but you open up your purse? And you're like, rah.

And you go, like, get behind me and your wing. Get away from her. You know, I saw some stat that, like, your wingspan to carry you would have to be, I think, like, each wing would have to be one and a half times your height or something, like, crazy long. That makes sense. Like 20 feet. Giant fucking wings. Yeah. In the last bodies, yeah.

But then, like, you can, like, they, you know, they retract in, too. It's not, you know. Sure. Sure. They got a nice convertible set up. They got, like, they got, like, the nice bone structure for it. But you also have to have, like, hollow bones and shit. shit too.

Yeah, that would be tough. If someone like, I don't know, just like scoge their chair out. Yeah, and then they hit your shin and you break your shin. What if it's like, I don't know, what if it's instead, like, what if instead of like

just straight up flying, you're just kind of glide? Like in that show, gargoyles. You ever watch that shit? Yeah, the cartoon. That's fucking stone by day, warriors by night.

I would be okay with you. That's my life motto, dude. I would turn into a fucking gargoyle if I could. Fucking stone by day, warrior by night. All day. that's going to be your life soon dog yeah you're gonna be on jare pretty soon

wait until he has to move to osse he's like yeah i'm i'm i'm tired of being cut down in new york i'm waiting so we have to commute to austin to be monthly guests on this podcast no he's gonna let us live in his mansion like shang gillis that's true i call lamer yeah okay you'll you'll be the you can be gardini that's fine yeah he'll be the guard he's the cute one yeah with a big dick i here oh he's got huge dick but lamare's sexually free well you know it was a crazy movie there was one movie you would probably know the name of this.

The whole plot of this movie is that it's in the 90s, 2000s, you know, kind of we're all drinking beer, lots of titties in the movie. It's about guys that live in the lead singer of the counting crow's house while he's on tour.

I can't figure out what it's called. The whole entire plot of the movie is just them trying to get their lives together. But he just lets like 19 bros live in his house. Oh, it's called Mr. Jones and me. I don't think so. No, and Mr. Jones was the guy who was living in his house.

That was the whole song about it. Oh, really? Yeah. I thought that was about Alex Jones. No. Mr. Jones and me knew the parkland children were lying.

Thank you for locking the door when you leave. God, I have the hiccups. Is there anything less masculine? You're fucking swamming down the fucking bruskies, babe. I've been laughing with my boys, okay?

It's got nothing to do with my alcohol consumption. You've been living life. I've been living life. I biked here, my ears are hot, and I got the hiccups. Where'd you bike from? I biked from Flatbush.

Not bad. Where do you live? Flatbush. Oh, nice. Okay. You're in the area. Yeah, man. Sort of.

New Kirk. Little, yeah, it was like five miles. Okay. I got big dig with that. What were you saying? I'm just going to say, I haven't biked in a while, so I was like fucking, wheezing. And now I'm wheezing with the hiccups. I wrote a bike for the first time of the year last week.

And I fucking felt it. Oh, when it was like 70. When it was beautiful. Yeah. I went to a mic on the lower east side, and I was like, you know what, it's such a beautiful day. I'm going to ride from Williams. to lower east side. Yeah.

15 minute bike ride, no problem. Over the bridge, though, you do an e-bike or regular? Regular. Nice. I always,

I hate e-bikes. I feel like it's cheating. Good for you. It's like, I'd rather, it's like, I'd rather just suffer and save a little money,

but also like get like an actual workout. It's over the bridge too. That's a workout. Yeah, it's a big, but I felt it. Yeah. I never stopped, though. I will say that in my defense.

I never stop. That's great. I have like that, uh, like that John Belushi kind of athleticism. Like Chris Horley. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, oh, okay, I can keep going. I have decent stamina. Are you an agile, big guy? Yeah. Nice.

I have a very sexy image in my head right now of you biking. Sorry, guys. Oh, you're good, bro. I have one of these images of you riding the Tour de France style bikes where your ass cheeks are just in the air. One of those tight things with like the fucking the helmet that goes back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The aerodynamic. The xenomorph helmet. Yeah. Yeah. That would be so sick. I mean, I'm about it. Dude, that is a, that is a sexy idea. Also, there's a trick for the hiccups. I haven't fully figured it out. I'm not sucking your dick again. It didn't work the first two times. All right.

Yeah, that's the end of the episode. We are, no, so what you do is... He was hoping. We were at that hour mark. Well,

I don't know if it's you... So you drink out of a straw. You either close your ears or your nose. I never figured out which one, so I do both. You go like this and this. And you drink out of a straw and it 100% gets rid of your hiccups.

I think you just need to drink water, dude. I'll try this. If you take small sips and hold your breath. We'll see if works. Just keep doing it until the hiccups go away. That's a good idea. Let's try it. I'm going to scare you.

Donald Trump might not be able to run for a third term. No! Here we go, dude. Yeah, you're fine, dude. I'm just kidding, dude. It's definitely going to happen. It's going to happen. Which will be fine.

You think he's going to do third term? I mean, unless the CIA kills him. He hasn't been fucking up. They don't. He's been ravaged bro. He can't be fucking up. But, like, I don't think J.D. fans will ever make it as a president.

Nah, he seems kind of like a fucking badge. He's a fucking, like, he's at most like a hanger on. That's what the, yeah. He's at most of a hangar. Like, he's like, I mean, like all of this shit, like with like, uh, Maga will die with Trump. It won't be able to carry on. I think you're calling it Maga.

Like they're magging. Like they're magging. What do you call it? Maga. Maga. A little more Midwest. Maga. You in Maga?

A maga. You guys going to that maga? I like Maga sounds a little better. Because you know what? It sounds. Mega. Mag. There's mega,

which is good. Mega things are, yeah. Yeah. We like mega. Maga sounds more like mega versus MAGA.

MAGA. Mega. Mega. It's MAG versus MAG. We're saying it so often the words have lost all meaning. I do say it a lot. I chant it.

I try to say it 100 times minimum. It's like my 10,000 steps. I just want to be able to wear a red hat again. You can. I think we're past that. I think we're past that. I think we are. I've seen multiple people in red hats.

They're getting no shit. It's like, it's crazy how when that was like a hot little thing. And then like when, when women were wearing like those pussy hats. How dumb. Yeah. You wore the pink pussy hats?

I don't know why they were called pussy hats. I don't know why they were called pussy. And women were like, oh my God. Yeah, I got to do it. I love you. You have such a good South Park voice.

No, that's just how women sound of my mind, dude. Hey, you guys, what are you doing you guys? They're all Cartman, Erica.

That's, I mean, that's how it sounds on my fucking head. Yeah. Erica Kirkman. Oh, now,

now that I could get into. Why were they put, like, the pink pussy hat should have been anatomically correct vaginas, though. Am I wrong? They just had little ears. Yeah. Yeah, whenever you see like... They're just like fun beanies. That's not a pussy.

Whenever you see a pussy thing, it's always a gross pussy. Give me a... Yes. Give me a gross hat. Yeah. Yeah. Down your face. That's... A bloody hat. You shoving fishing it all day. How much more effective would that be? Right. If you had a fishy smelling, bleeding hat that bled onto your face, like war paint. Yeah. And you show up to the White House. They're going to listen to you. That's what they should call menstrual blood is war paint now.

Absolutely. Minstrel blood? I bet some fucking feminist. will be like, no, that's not my period blood. That's my war pain. That was the thing we're coming out of my glory hole. We're rubbing. Glory holes aren't just for fucking gaymen to have fun anymore. Now is what we're calling

our vagines. Yes. I did get, I hate to be that guy that's a getting old PCR. I did get one this weekend. I think the hiccups are gone, by the way. Thank God. There we go. I'll try not to laugh again. Yeah. Shouldn't be a problem. Yeah, good luck, blood.

With YouTube. You want to show a little more your stomach? Yeah, well, go. Oh, Mike. Very good. Very good. I got big dick hard, dude. This woman, we were talking, and she was like a friend of friend.

Mr. Diesel? I got Mr. Diesel, bro. She just fucking pulled her down. She just, like, take that shit, bitch. I was like, come on. Come on. So she was like, a typical move where I was like, I'm in Williamsburg. She goes, oh, so you live in Bushwick.

And I'm like, that is, you're just 100%. If you don't live in New York, that's just like being like, I'm five-night. Oh, this Irish lady. No, no, different lady. Like a New York lady? This is just a friend of a friend. No, this woman lives in L.A. Oh.

But it was like a friend of friend. She's like, hey, my friends are like super, like intense. Like, don't say anything stupid. And I was like, yeah, whatever. We're going to have fun. And then she's like, she starts big digging me. And then we were talking about like illegal immigrants. And I'm pretty pro.

I'm like, yeah, no, like Minnesota. Like, most of illegal immigrants are actually Laotian. Like, they're actually allowed. She goes, we don't call them that. And I was like, they don't know what we call them. Like, what do you call them motion Mexicans? Yeah. Damn, dude.

That sounds like a fucking, that sounds like some white chick fucking shit. That sounds like some performative L.A. trying to get an agent shit. Oh, yeah. What does she call them? I have no idea. And I'm talking about the homest. Uncountryed?

Yeah, and then she's like the unhoused. She kept like doing a little correction. What do you read? Like genuine question. What would you, instead of illegal immigrants, what would you say? Migrants?

That's a wrong term. I got a problem with that because migrant means you're not planning to stay. Like we, that immigrant means you're planning to stay somewhere else. Yes. You're immigrating. Yeah.

Immigrated. I should teach a class. Yeah. I also, I don't, I so. don't want to go the other way and be one of those annoying guys. It's like, well, words change.

You know what I mean? It's like, yeah. Right. Have to develop cerebral palsy and then educate people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On terms. Yeah, it's like, I say things that I think are fun. And I'm not going to get into battle about me saying retarded and gay. So, yeah.

When, I will say, one current event. Here we go. When Michael B. Jordan got the Oscar. On the guy yelled the N-word? If a guy yelled the N-word during that, that would have been fucking perfect. another one yelled callback. Callback! Isn't it funny?

Like they never say something like BLM. Like they always... The Tourette's guys? Yeah, Tourette's guys. That's the whole point of the, the whole point of Z's is you say the thing you wouldn't want to actually say. So it would be actually concerning if someone said BLM. Yeah, because they'd be like, oh, they're so worried.

Well, you got a problem? Dude, do you think that's a thing? There's like Republican, like, Hart. Trette's people. Yeah, who were like... They were like, trans, protect black trans lives. Fuck, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that came out.

He has Tourette's, I'm sorry. It's weird. Like, how do they know it's like a bad word, right? Just be like, hey, you know what? The N-word isn't a bad word. You know what's a bad word, poo-poo. Don't say poo. And then they get a poo-poo, poo!

Yeah, it is a big nature versus nurture with Tourette's. Like, what a... Well, when does Tourette's manifest? Is it from birth? It's the second you're black person. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Damn, that it was like, it was such... That's kind of too much Louis' joke that he did know what, dumb. I don't want to... he had an old joke with Patrice I just realized that I hate podcasting so as you say something and you're like

fuck that's been said before you can always edit it out man yeah we'll get it in post don't worry not on this program yeah yeah I'm not stealing I came with something

on the spot that happened to be in my brain it's parallel thinking dude yeah I'm great of parallel thinking I love it

takes me three tries yeah uh were you saying though about Tourette's oh when is Tourette's manifest and like as kids that's a great question

as kids what are like six year olds or five year olds with Tourette saying. Is it poo-poo? It has to be. Is it just no? Because the parents hate it when they say no.

I guess it's like, damn, like, what do child Tourette? And it's like, I've only seen adults with Tourette's and maybe like, maybe like, no kids have them. Well, I've never met one. Kids don't have Zoom. All the time, though, they're like, I'm not going to get in your van. You're like, these fucking kids. Yeah, yeah. That's not what you mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your tick. I'm sorry, it's correct. Help me. It's fucking. I know, I'm advocating for you. Yeah. I think, well, doesn't,

what's his name has it? Nick V. Agus. Does he? Yeah, that is a form, I guess. What does he? Yeah, he has stutter. Yeah, but it's, you know, he has tics, too. So he stutters, but he also,

so he has Tourette's, yeah. Okay. Yeah, so it's like, it's apparently somehow related to OCD in some way, but it's like you basically just, like everybody has intrusive thoughts, but Tourette's makes you say the intrusive thoughts,

but his luckily, he said he did so much Adderall or Vivianz that his Tourette's actually the stuttering and stuff turned over the hump. Yes, now it's ticks. Which is level two. Yeah, which is way better than yelling the end. So he has to just keep taking out of all forever?

No, no, he doesn't take it at all anymore. Oh, but he finished it. It cured it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It cured him? No, it just changed his Tourette's to click it. And metamorphosis. Do you think if he took even more, it would like completely go away?

You know what? Nobody looks it that way. I've always said, if only we could clone Nick and run experiments on him in labs. Why don't we? Yeah, I don't know. What's stopping us? Nothing now, dude. I'm gonna hop in...

I think just an angel investor with some sweet new inheritance money. I guess I could wait on opening my crappy fucking comedy club. You combine that. I get RFK involved now that I'm in the Kill Tony universe and we put our forces together

and we clone Nick Viagas. Let's do it. This is all a good plan. You got the funds. You have the political grease. Yeah, we're good. We are at an hour though. You can't wait to fucking cut this all.

You can't wait to get away from us. I've had the time of my fucking rent. I got it. I got my flight to Austin is leaving in a couple hours. I got to get ready. Okay. That's you. It's not me.

I'm not changing, guys. You're leaving, dude. I can already change. I will not, you will not see a single decrease in the amount of fat women I have sex with, I promise. Ooh, I am. I bet we're going to see an increase, though. You might see an increase. You might see an increase.

Have any women slid into your DMs? Uh, no. No. Not yet. now. After the show... What about your email inbox? I don't think a lot of women

watch Kill Tony. I think it's a lot of dudes. It's a lot of dude. But you know what? That's a cool fan base still. Yeah, yeah. I did. I said I got the feed people again. After the show, there was women that were coming on to me and stuff like that. I was like Play Perfect. Do not just start making up. So you were in Austin, though.

Yeah, yeah. Nice. Do you go there regularly? I try to go there twice a year just to kind of hang out with the scene. The funny is I called Cam Patterson, because I know him from Orlando. I tried to ask him, like, advice on clips. he had the phone like 10 feet away from him. It was just him doing a voice now. He was like, yeah, bro, good shit, man, it's bug and Godaws.

And I'm like, it's just so funny that like he, I think that is a black guy thing to have your speaker phone and then just wave. It's also a mom thing. Yes. Mom's love putting the phone next to the AC blasting full blast in their car and thinking that it's perfect well. Yeah. It's like it's like, get a fucking pair of AirPods.

Yeah, but even those sometimes are there, especially if you're outside, it's like impossible to hear somebody in AirPods. Really? I can be like, are you new headphones right now or are you in speaker and half the time? I'm right. Yeah, I can definitely tell, yeah. I'm the flat place medium. You're fucking good, dude. I'm good. This guy's fucking good, dude.

I'm a certified medium. God damn, dude. I'm like, I don't know. It's like, can't let's just be over text? Why are we talking? I do have a problem with people that call me and text me. What are you doing? Yeah, just to, it's happening. What's going on? I feel that way about like work meetings too.

It's like, this could have been an email. Yeah, yeah. Like everything, it's like, just fucking write to me if you want shit. Oh, dude, the Zoom. record where you're like Zoom recording something and they're like, all right, now this is how you go in here. It's like, just take a picture and circle the things and send it to me. Yeah. What do you guys

say? I just started a new job recently. What do you guys think about this? When you're going around sharing your pronouns, next time they ask him, I'm going to go, I'm going to say he him but I'm going to cheer it like it's my sports team. I like that. I'm going to go, Zach Russell, he him! And then when someone says, you know, Hallison, she, her, I'm going to go, boo!

Nice, dude. They them, dude. They them? I will, I'll do like, I liked him when they were in our city. Yeah. They switched teams, so I'm not really loyal. It's not the original he day them. It's not the, what's the New Jersey team that came over here?

Oh, they just happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Nets, right? Yeah. Yeah. The Jersey Devils. Yeah, that's what I call them. Kidding.

It's just a comedy podcast. I just had a brain fart. I know. You think it's all the outer roll? I'm out of it now. You don't do that shit anymore? No, I just took all of it. Because I was like, I got to stay up all night

editing clips for Kill Tony. It took me 10 minutes to edit the clip and I was like, why am I? Why do you need to edit it? Just put the clip up. Well, because you got to go to YouTube screen record it and then put all the caption. Do you have a video downloader for it

or do you screen record off your Mac? I had a screen record because the video downloader wasn't working for some reason. Some guy played some fucking probably stolen song. There was a whole disagreement with the guy because you're not watching the show

but I saw it later when I watched the show. There's a guy he used to work for like, I think Blake Sheldon or something like that. And then he kept playing a song that's like credited to Blake Sheldon, but he's like, I actually wrote the song. And they're like, yeah, but like licensing and stuff. What? What's the problem? It's a whole thing.

Who is the guy who wrote the song? Is he work for KT? No, he's just a bucket hole. Oh, okay. And they're like, you can't play any licensed music. And he's like, okay. And then he just starts playing a song that's like credited to Jake. He has some other. Out of his phone?

No, on the guitar. Oh. And they're like, it's royalty free. You can't even do a cover? No, no. It's like really strict on YouTube. Yeah. That seems weird.

What if he puts cock and balls in it and then it's parody? That is a good thing. You literally say one cock and you're fine. So you can't even play it like, that's fucking wild that you can't even play like your own instrument doing like a cover of something. Yeah, it's really weird. I don't know.

That was the disagreement they had on stage. I never figured it out. I probably just didn't want to fucking go through all that shit. They probably didn't want to hear a shitty song. Maybe it's like so heavily. Maybe it's like if something, if a podcast is so heavily monetized, like they have to do it for everything.

Yeah, a million dollars for one guy. It's crazy they have a yearly booking at MSG. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's a fucking cool thing. That's a fucking, that's powerful, man. Yeah. You better do it before the wheels fall off, dude. Yeah, man. Because you know Austin's going to disintegrate in a few years. Oh, yeah, dude. It's going to get bombed by it.

Before the Tony and Epstein picture comes out. You can't build a scene around like one fucking guy. Well, it's like two or three people now. It's the best comedy scene in the world. three people know. It's J.R.E. Tony and Shane's not going to stick around, dude. Probably not. He's going to want him. He's going to want out of there, dude.

Where's he's going to go? New York, baby, the greatest city in the world. It's pretty sick here. Or Philly. Just to be close to family. Yeah. Let's, let's postulate it. Where Shane Gillis will move. I mean, like, if anything, like, people should try to be like Nate Bargatsy who shows, like, you can just live wherever the fuck you want. Oh, I've said this a hundred times. I become a famous comedian. I'm moving to Orlando, Florida. I'm getting a residency at Universal Studios. studios where I just get, I get fucked up.

Did they have comics there? No, but I'm going to, I'm going to get my own little feeder, and I'm going to basically be on the boat all day, getting hammered with Carrot Top, who lives there. And then I'm going to, you know, probably do some pills, do a strung out hour, and then that is my ideal goal. Yeah. And then throw up on my parents' Porsche and be like, porch, and then just be like, I'm, I'm more successful than you.

I'm going to stay in New York. Where are you from? San Francisco. If you're down to... I like that song. I never go back. You never would? I won't.

It's done too much pain to you? That part of my life is just closed. Yeah. I still go back to Orlando. I still pretend like I'm 16. I'm like, it's the boys. It's good to see my friends, but... Yeah.

We'll see. You can't pretend to be gay like you used to. You got to let the past die, dude. You know? I'm so bad at that, dude. Gay Joe's in the rear view. It's straight and you. York Joe from here on out, baby.

He's dead. Yep. Yeah. Where can they find you guys? You can find me online at Joe W. Gorman. If you like me on this pod, you should watch my own pod. It's Super Selly Joe's that I do with my faithful sidekick, Alex Thomas Selly.

Also, I don't like that he said if they like you. They fucking love you. Oh, my good. How could you not, dude? You're a little sweet treat, brother. Oh, you're such a sweet. You're seven layer bar. Yeah.

Yeah. Zachary. At Zach. comedy everywhere. I got a special coming out soon-ish. I'm editing it myself, so I want to kill my mouth. But yeah, it should be coming out soon. And I have a podcast

on hiatus, so, you know. It'll be back. It'll be back. Fuck yeah. I had so much fucking fun. Awesome, dude. Sorry I was like rabbited. I got a fast-words, you know. It's all good. Sorry had the hiccups. Hey, man. All we can do is just give the most authentic performance we can. And I think we did that tonight.

We're all people. I think we did. Thank you. Thank you. Let's suck each other's dicks.