Morning Good - The End of White Boy Summer - Episode 283

Episode Date: August 31, 2025

Dean David and David Bakker join the show for today's episode. They talk about the giantess fetish, hating celebrities for no reason, and every fist fight Michael's ever been in.Thanks to Dean for coming on the show for the first time and to David for joining again. Check out David on episode 274 and hit their links down below for even more from them.David is on Instagram @davidbakker7 and has a podcast called I Did This Instead of Killing Myself. Dean is on Instagram @deandavid95 and hosts Aggressively Chill Comedy every Tuesday night in Brooklyn.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the Boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. We're here at Dean David and David Baker. Yeah. Dean David Baker. Dean David Baker. We could buy them all. Dean David Baker.

Yeah. I was telling him I'm working on a fucking, just for fun, I'm writing a Batman script. And it's like the most fun I've ever had writing ever. You were telling David? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Batman? What kind of Batman? A cartoon Batman? Just like a, just like a screenplay. I guess anything, it's not like, like I'm writing something with the intention of not selling it just to get better at writing. That's cool.

That's a good thing to do. Yeah, it's fun too because like, when you're writing like comedy, like you're like, everything, you're like, that's fucking hack. Like, this has been done. This character's just Kenny Powers. Yeah.

And this, I'm like, Commissioner Gordon would say that. Like, there's no, like, your brain kind of just relaxes, borne. Do you want to, like, tell me about it? No, no, no, no, no. It's really funny to bring it up, but they'd be like, nah, nah, nah, nah, no, no. I can't learn anything about it. No, no, no, no.

Well, I could say the same thing to you would not tell you about it and sound pretty impressive. I could be like, I'm working on a story. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no, no. But I can't tell you about it. A saga. Yeah, it's just really good, but you just can't, nobody can read it. Yeah. It's so good, no.

No, I think there's a thing that happens with like, I mean, it happens to stand-up, like the more you do something, the more you realize you're not good at it. You know what I mean? And then you get better at it, but it's one of those things where I'm definitely at that writing stage where I'm like,

okay, this is, like when I first started, like, writing scripts and stuff, I was like, this is fucking jeez. And then I look back and I look back and I'm like, yeah. I feel like I learned it pretty quick. I thought, like, right, I thought, I mean, at first I was like, oh, I'm going to be, I can't wait to excel at everything

and be awesome forever. Like, I can't wait to it. And then I was trying to do one, thing. I was like, oh, I can't do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I tried writing a script. I was like, oh, this is not. What script did you start trying? I mean, a bunch of different things. I've made stuff that, like,

just did not become something that great, you know? Just things I wrote. I was like, man, there's no social network. Didn't you have, like, a superhero story you did? Yeah, but that's like, that's different. We don't have to go into it. No, that's like, yeah, that's true. I made a comic book as a kid.

Then that, that evolved over time into something, like, halfway legitimately decent. But, like, to a level of like Saturday morning cartoon. Like the villain, I don't really even know how the superpowers he has works. When you said Saturday morning cartoon, I don't know why I pictured a villain

It's just like a giant hat with like Yeah, I mean. Like it with eyes, like his eyes, you know what I mean? I just picture like a, I don't know why I picture like a Flintstone looking thing. That's you picture for him? Well, no, just because he said Saturday morning cartoon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when I would make it as a kid, I eventually I stopped because I was getting older I was like, okay, like, I'm not as entertained by this tale. You aged out of it because it took too long? I don't know how to tell it smarter than this. I don't know. I don't know science or NASA stuff.

It's about a guy who goes to space and he becomes like a, he gets sucked into a black hole. I'm like, I don't know how that all works. I wouldn't even know how to write it down to explain it. You know what I'm like? So that kind of did, that's just, but that was more on pause. Like, you know, that's like a, yeah. I figured one day I'd meet someone that knew.

Yeah, and then you're like, this person will fill in all the gas. Like one day, because every, I think it takes, I think it takes, I don't know, it could be an excuse, but a lot of the great writer people are like a group of guy, two guys. Yes, you get one fucking maniac that like can barely show up on time. It has a severe drug problem. And then a fucking nerd. Yeah.

Not that funny, but less creative, but more organized. Yes, that's always how it works. It works out perfectly. Yeah, so I mean, like, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Matt David, Ben Affleck. I just haven't found my guy for like that particular comic book. series yet, but maybe one day. That's kind of my hope. Well, who was the nerd there?

I guess, I guess Larry David was the nerd. Larry David's less funny. I think Larry was the creative genius. No, he's the quieter guy in the, in the dynamic that I think he means. Yeah. You think Seinfeld was the creative genius, bro? He's definitely not the like, I thought he was the straighter, less funny guy out of the two of them.

I just wish he doesn't, didn't bore me. He got me not into stand-up. Like I saw Seinfeld on an airplane one time. I was like, I was like, I fucking hate this nervous. That's a funny place to watch him. Yeah, I like him too, Seinfeld. In person. You see him in live?

I hear that a lot. No, no, Michael. If you see him live, it's a total... I used to feel the same and then I saw him live. I was like, okay. When you're around him. What was your feedback live? What did you think?

I was like, oh my God, he's fucking amazing. Yeah, he's like a performer, right? He's like, yeah, he's really doing that thing. That, like, you know, you know how every time you ever see him on TV, ever he's killing? He was doing that, but in person. I was like, okay. Yeah. There it is.

I like the B-movie. B-movie? I like it because of my fetish. You have a B-Fetish? The mom and B-movie's hot. The mom. She's not a mom. Oh, you have a giant that's a fetish, right?

She's not a mom. She's not a mom? No, she's just... A woman? A woman that has a husband. A giant fetish. A giant fetish. A giant-fitting.

Yeah. Right. Giant women. And so, yeah, that was hot growing up. That's got to be tough because I've always wondered about that. Because, like, all my fetishes I could do in person. but for the most part I know

I think like that's gotta be tough because you can't really reenact it like how does that all work it's just just all women no power dynamic it's power dynamic it's power okay if someone's my manager

like if I'm a server or something and I'm like my manager's a woman and I'm like hey I need this day off and she's like oh you want this day off like suck my tits yeah yeah yeah and then it's like if you don't suck my tits I won't give you the day off

it's like oh my god I have to suck your tits otherwise I won't get the day cut from the same cloth I was we say suck from the same cloth sucked from the same cock No, we're covering the same cop So you can see how B movie reminded me a lot of that You know, so

Yeah, no, I'm the same way dude There's something about a woman I matched one time with a woman on field That was like, I never, I fucking fucked up the day But she was like six foot nine Or something crazy like that and I was like, dude, this You have a tall woman fetish? I like it all but I like, I like, I like,

It's definitely hot to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm not like, I don't really fall into one lane But it is a lot of like, I am like That is hot Yeah Because of the novelty. But then, I like, I like, I'm like, I'm like,

It is funny, though, when you're, like, texting somebody and you're like, this is kind of fucked up because I'm literally only doing this because you're six-ne... Like, I'm like, literally, this is all just me trying to live out of this. So I am kind of using you in a way. But you're saying you're like emotionally interested? No, no, no, no, I'll never lie. I'll never lie. But you don't see. Yeah.

I like a tall girl, too. What's it like being tall? Yeah. That's what I would say the whole time. There's something about, like, direct eye contact when you kiss. You don't have to, like, bend down at all. I'm like, whoa. You're all the way up here.

I also, I also love short girls because I like short girl energy. For me, it's just like, yeah, I like a little bit of everything, but, like, I could definitely get into, like, a giant. You're just riding on her shoulders and shit. Yeah, well, they don't have to be tall in, uh, in every situation. Yeah. It's the, it's metaphorical. Right.

The giant part. There's a metaphor. Yeah, yeah, you know? And then you get older and it's like, you know, I'm getting older now. I'm like, okay, it's getting hard to just jerk off to, like this. Giants. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, I need something to work with so that.

Because when I'm with somebody, I have really, when I'm doing something with somebody and we're having sex, it's like there are actual good moments that occur, but they're not me being shrunken down. It's like, it was actual good moments happening. So it's like, well, I work off that. It's like, I liked that. And it's in the realm of this dynamic. So you see what I'm saying? Dude, you just want to be Ant man shrunken down and animal's ass. Yeah.

Ant man's, they may have so many opportunities to make so many giant women scenes. That's like a flawed movie Yeah you're like this is fucking Because he gets big right The women never do He's got like a daughter she grows up I think she's like I don't know how old she is in the movie

But she's like She grows up from being a kid And then now she's like a character Now she's like a hero I agree huge flaw He should fuck his daughter As Edman He should be punching her clit

To get her off Dude so many media has so many versions Of giant women Like his tag There's a movie, like attack at a 50-foot woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like all these. Honey, I shrunk the kids.

Wait, wait, you're probably a fan of this guy. There's this Japanese artist. You know who I'm talking about? He makes these women giant. Dude, I'm going to, I'm going to give you something to look at. Is it all Japanese? What's up? Are they all Japanese that he makes?

Yes, but in the face, they look like they could go dark hair, white chicks, or Japanese. Do you have a race preference on the side? No. No, okay. Actually. But these pictures, dude, they're so hot. It's like this woman's, like, giant ass sitting on this, like, ooh, like, nervous Chinese businessman's face. It's like all that.

It's like, yeah, yeah, he's just scared. And I'm like, oh, I, this guy gets kind of, yeah. Yeah. But do you ever, what is your, because this is my thing. I got a lot of fetishes. Occasionally I feel. Really? What is yours?

Oh, I, I've been fucking pissed on, spad on. What? I don't, I don't like getting pegged, but I've done it a couple times. Whoa. Pissed on. Pist on. I've done both. Do you like peeing?

Yeah, I like both. Really? Like, you stand on them or is it like... So it's like... Every time I've been pissed on, it's in the shower or a bathtub, yeah. Oh, you know what? That's respect. One time on a golf course, but yeah.

Oh, wow. What hole? With a guy? My mouth. Already a good episode. Fuck yeah. Nine minutes it. But, uh, wait, worries, are we were saying?

Oh, uh... pissed on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also like peeing on, like, it's like, for me, it's like there's something kind of savage about it all, which is fun. Like, I've done it reverse. I've had a woman pee on me.

I pee on her, and then she peed on me, and then we fucked in the bathtub full of piss, which is fucking just disgust. Like only piss? Yeah, now that I think about it, yeah. But it's like, you guys fucked in your, in both your pisses. Yeah, and I was like, this is so,

what's hot about it? It's like degrading, right? To both you. I don't give the same time. I'm doing this. Yeah. Wouldn't it be hot if we gave each other a bad life?

Yeah. For me there's an aspect of like it's like we're fucking wild. Like there's a sort of rock and roll aspect to it. Yeah. And there's an aspect of being like uninhibited. Like yeah. Because I feel like sometimes I get nervous when I go to the bathroom in public.

Like but like that is such funny idea. She's like fucking pissing me. And you're like one second. You're totally my fucking bitch. One second. Just like a little drizzle comes out. I can't do it. Yeah.

I can't wait. Can we put the water on so I can get a. in the mood. But for me it's like, okay, so a woman peeing on me is hot because of the power dynamic. Yeah. I love, right. It weirdly goes the other way around. So me peeing on her is hot because for me, it's showing how into me. So when I'm getting peed on by a woman, I'm showing her how into her I am. Yeah. But also, if I'm peeing on a woman, I'm, she's showing me, it feels like extreme consent in a way because she's kind of like asking for something so crazy that I feel like it's kind of, does that make any sense? Yeah. She wants all of you.

It's kind of sweet. Yeah. She really likes me. Right. How could she not like you if she likes that? Yeah. I know she likes me because she lets me pee on her. Even if you're having sex, you're not really sure until she's actually.

Yeah. Oh my God. I fuck somebody like 30 times. I'm like, do you like me? I have friends, dude. I really don't feel. I'll say this. Christoph Jean,

not that we fucked, but he's a friend comedian. This guy for like five years, I just didn't think liked me. And it was just because he's kind of a quiet. Some people just don't express. Sure. Yeah.

I'm probably the opposite. There's probably people I don't like that think I like them because I'm very nice. But I don't really dislike a lot of people. Yeah, there's people who I like, but a lot of them think I dislike. Yeah, yeah. But I know that they think that,

so I make it hard for them a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm like, fuck you for even thinking that. Like, I hate you for even thinking for no reason. And you being weird with me because you had that thought. And now you want me to, like, prove it to you that, like, I like you. Well, now it'll be a little difficult.

Yeah. I kind of get what you're saying. Walls up again. Yeah, walls up. prove it to me that you have it in you to fucking talk to me and not hate me for no reason. Balls in your court. Yeah, exactly.

I feel that. Yeah, that's the thing too. If somebody doesn't, the hard part is some people like, they feel like they want you to do all the work. And at some point you've got to be an adult and be like, look, if you want to talk to me, talk to me if you don't.

Like, you know what I mean? It's not, I'm a very outgoing person, but that doesn't mean it's always, that's be my job. Like, it happens on fucking dates where I've literally been like, okay, now it's your turn to carry the conversation. Yeah. I've just said that because I'm like,

Like you've dug and dug and dug and dug Yeah You're like, yeah What am I fucking Yeah Yeah Dude I'm the opposite I've like

I do all the work Like I will I'll go out of my Like I have no boundaries People pleases I just like want everybody To like me back So I'll be like

Yeah yeah tell me I'll make conversation with a But I gotta I feel I gotta be more of a dick You know what I was that Well I don't know Just like more like Like it's

I mean if I'm interested If I'm interested You get something out of that You like being around those people I do But like Me some of the time It could be out of insecurity, though, too, of just, like, wanted to be liked by everyone and not having any boundaries.

I don't do it as much because I don't get as much out of acting that way for them. Sure. I mean, it's draining for me, so, but I used to not feel that way. Yeah. So I don't know if it's, you know, you shouldn't be a dick. You know, I just do it works for you. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, my thing is this, I, I'm really bad at people being mad at me that I care about. So I'm so, like, random people, I don't give a fuck. Some guy in the street could be like, I fucking listen to your podcast. I think you're disgusting. I'd be like, that's fair. I'm going to. So the other day, my roommate, Jake, he was just fuck with me. He just texted me says, hey man, and nothing else.

Oh, yeah, I was there with you. And then it was a joke, but I would literally was like, what the fuck? It brought me back to being a relationship where, like, I just couldn't have a woman mad at me, which is fucking retarded because it's like, there's always going to be a lady mad at me. Like, it's a part of life. And it's like, there's something about like, I don't know, it's just like somebody, I think it's some people pleaser aspect where I'm like, no, no, no, can you believe I'm awesome? Because like, you know what I mean?

Yeah. But then other people, I'm like, why would I give a fuck what you think? You know what I mean? So he said, hey man? Yeah, he was just fucking with me. Like, he was about to say something serious. And then he just made some joke. I said, hey man.

And I'm not looking at this and I'm going on stage. I'm not going to look at whatever fucking says. Because when it's a roommate, I was like, this could be nine things. Yeah. Like, I got fucking. like pretty drunk on Saturday. And then I'm like, this could have been this, something that. This could have been like me leaving the dishes out.

Yeah. Which is really funny because like three weeks ago, I was like, white boy summer's ending. I'm locking in and we're not going to drink that much. And that did not. But I did get a lot done. I did take, I did drink less recently and I did get a fuck ton of shit done.

But I have like no money. So I was like, my buddy's like, hey, do you want to go to? He's like, let's hang out. I was like, maybe we have a couple beers on my roof. I'm like, that seems like a nice way to, like, you know, relax. And then we got invited to, I think I told you about this, a fucking party at a church.

It was a, church was cool. Church party. Yes. Praise Lord. Yeah. Which is what I thought it was going to be. But it turns out it was hipster sacrilege. Sure.

A lot of depravity. Yes. So this woman ran out of church. My buddy's like, I'll pay for her cupboard. So I spent, I spent $4 on a white cloth surge. So I was like, okay, financially I can defend this position of, you know what I mean? It's like, in my mind, I was like, I wrote all day. I worked hard, I hung out of the club.

You know what I was like, you earned it. Yeah, I was like, whatever. But yeah, they took a church. I didn't know you could just huge churches as event spaces. So, like, my friends are doing fucking coke in the pews. Like, there's like a dance floor. Like, all the chicks, there's chicks dressed like slutty nuns. Oh, hell, yeah.

That sounds amazing. Slotty nuns. Yeah. There was a gay guy that, so I dressed as a priest and someone really didn't get where I was coming from. Did the priest have a twist also? Was he like a slutty priest or was he like a buff priest? So I was going to be a buff priest for Halloween and then I got a muscle suit and just didn't work.

I just looked like a fat priest. So I literally bought a muscle suit for Halloween and a priest suit. I was big. I'd be a chief priest. How could you look back in the suit that's made some look like muscles? Because I was fat. It was just, like, the priest thing just like didn't fit around the muscles enough. So it just was wide and it wasn't defined.

You just were huge. Yeah, it was just a large presence of a priest. Yeah. But, I was it saying, these gay guys were talking. So what did you dress up instead as? I was just a priest. Okay. Which is kind of lame, but.

That's fine. I think priest is good. It's like, yeah, what he's done? I used to really, I used to take pride in Halloween. Like, I was Alex Jones, like, seven years ago. Like, before he was the occasional person, be like, Alex Jones, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, the frogs are gay. And then I was like Greta Thurnberg one year.

Dude, I went as Brett Kavanaugh one year. That's awesome. I was such a jackass for Halloween. You know who that is, dude? Brett Kavanaugh? Yeah, he's an old Supreme Court Justice. Yeah. It was in the news a lot.

I know his name, and I know what those things are, but that's all I know. He got accused of, what did he get accused of? Having a good time? Having a good time. Yeah, I know about,

he's like, yeah, he's like, yeah, I know. He's like, is that okay? That's all I think of, beer? No, no, no. It was very provocative at the time. Women hated Brett Kavanaugh on his name. Yeah, yeah.

He had like a rape. Not because of the beer thing. No, there's a rape, but then in the rape. Okay, gosh. In the rape trial, he's like, I like drinking beers. Oh. I kind of memed a little bit because you just had something funny in a serious. I know.

Situation. I was such a jackass back then. I just wanted to be provocative in Halloween. Well, yeah, but Halloween should be like stand-up comedy where like Halloween you should be able to go fucking crazy. Yeah. One day of like the most inappropriate costumes. Then we're like, come on. I think it's cool if you could think of a costume at all, man.

I have hard times thinking things. What if you're going to? Like, Joker. When it was cool. I could see it was Joker. Before it was fucking in selling and weird. Yeah. Back when it was like, oh, the dark night, everyone loves the dark night.

And then like, oh, Joaquin, Phoenix. And then, okay, and then it got weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, I don't know, there was a year. I swear, dude, you wouldn't even believe me. I was in a Halloween store for two hours. Just, like, look in it stuck. I called four people in the, I was like, dude, why can't I?

I don't know. I don't know. I do, and I do Halloween stores, bro. Same. I'm telling you, I've done the exact same thing, two hours. Yeah. It's so overwhelmed. Everything is, I don't know.

I just like, I was like, what can I be? I don't know. And then I picked like the lamest thing. I got like a Santa Claus hat. I'm like, I'll wear a Santa hat. Just the hat. Because get it? Because it's the wrong holiday.

And I felt so stupid. And now I think I have a good one. I'm going to be Danny Phantom. Oh, that's a great. Right? How did I have not thought of that? I got to Google it. I forget who this is.

Danny Phantom? He's like a cartoon. He's like kind of like impossible. He's like the vibe of Kimpa. I'm Googling. Oh yeah. You catch his ghosts. Yeah.

I can't believe I didn't think. it's like the easiest thing to pull off. You just gotta, you know, get like the jumpsuit. Yeah. Which is comfortable to wear, the cold. And then you get that. I mean, dude, I can't believe it took me like this long to think about it. And, well, I think my thing, too, is like, if I'm at the store, sometimes I, like, I'm looking for, I want to build my own shit sometimes.

And then you try to build your own shit and just doesn't come out the same way you think. Yeah. What'd you try to build? One time, oh, dude, one time in college, I was trying to do American pie. I was trying to get ass cheeks and pie on my dick. And I was trying to get me, Jason Biggs fucking the pie. Nice. And it just did not go together.

Like, it just looked like the, it did not really look like I was fucking the pie. And it was just like a whole mess. But I was like, in my head, it made so much. I couldn't get the illusion, right? In my head, I always makes so much sense. Like, this would be perfect. Dude, I'm so stupid, man. When I was a kid, I wanted to be the Grim Reaper.

And so I needed a sithe. I didn't know you could just fucking buy them for like $2, like, anywhere. What? Like a scythe, like the staff that he holds. That's what that's called. Yeah. You could literally buy 20 different variations of that at your local anywhere that sells Halloween. It's like takes.

I didn't know that, though. I tried making one. You tried wielding metal. I took a welding. Dude, I took a broom of ours and I broke off the cleaning part. And I tried, I didn't even paint it black. I sharpied it black. Oh, that's so much extra work.

Worse. And then, dude, I tried, I took a piece of box cardboard. and then put tinfoil over it with tape. It just kept falling apart. My hands kept making the marks go off. And it looked awful. And I didn't realize how easily I could have just purchased one. Yeah, yeah.

It would have been so much easier. But it just feels good about if you could make the costume itself. Yeah. Like, one I saw this, we're talking about like, edgy Halloween costumes. Somebody went, because Robin Williams hung himself, somebody went as Mrs. Doubtfire with a noose around her neck. And I'm like, that's really fucked up. And I'm like, that is, like, I'm not saying that's the best one.

But, like, I've seen costumes like that where I'm like, oh, first off, they went full Miss Dowell. Like, head and toe, old person phase. I've seen cool ones, dude. I saw, like, a, somebody was, like, a chimpanzee washing George Washington. Like, they had chimpanzee prosthetics, but they were also George Washington. Like, I like shit like that where, like, you're kind of mixing two things, you got to say? Yeah, yeah. The thing with the guy who, the hung himself, dude, that's a weird one, though, right?

Oh, yeah. It's, like, combining the love of the 90s with probably, Dude, I love your costume. It's so cool. The whole point of what I'm saying is they took Robin Williams and one of his, like, the contrast is so strong.

You know what I mean? Like, George Washington and the chimpanzee, there's a giant contrast there. Robin Williams playing Miss Doubtfire and Robin Williams now are like, it's such a contrast. Yeah. That was a bad example. No, no, no, it's a funny example.

Yeah, but, oh shit. Yeah, don't worry about it. Just water. My bad. but yeah I don't know some people do a really good one I think I gotta I gotta I don't know the best or the up to date

I don't know when you get something that's like just a month out like something happens right topical Right so they always try to make you fucking They give you a movie hey be this for Halloween Yeah it's like I was thinking Danny Phantom the whole time dude Yeah trying to fuck with my plans Is there a Danny Fantine movie coming out this year? No but it just took me so long to think of it

Everybody's Danny Phantom this year I like that there's a rap layer of Greece thing where he's like got that ghost glock Danny Phantom and like that's fucking badass dude. I love when this guy infamous has all these like weird. He's like referencing like Percy Jackson but he's like this like hood.

Who? This rapper. Which is like some guy? His name's infamous. Oh. What's his name? Infamous. But it's like he'll have like random things like that.

He's referencing like but I like I'm like that's fun because it's like way out there. Yeah. Like a black guy watching cartoons. Yeah. I like to know that they watch cartoons. It is, yeah, it is. I say that about black people?

Yeah. You like to know that they watch cartoons? What do you think they do? No, no, no, I mean, yeah. Racist guys, like, you know, the worst part of it all is they don't even watch cartoons. Black kids are just, they're watching. No, like, a bunch of my black buddies. I will say this.

I am so out of touch, too. Like, by the way, I know nothing about black people. I'll just straight up saying, I know nothing about black people. I remember when I was a kid, I found out my black friend, like, Green Day, like, almost didn't even like, I was like, I just didn't know that we could like the same thing. I was just, I don't know, I just thought, I thought, I liked all the shit you guys make, and I thought you guys didn't like any of the shit we make, because

it's fucking lame. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. But, yeah, I remember it was like, I grew up with, like, pretty white. Like, I think, like, I had a black friend, like, in middle school, I guess in elementary school, but then, like, high school, I went to public school. That's where I started making more black friends. But I'm like, I can't do, like, any. racial humor because I'm so uneducated on it. Like, I think I'd have to have lived in New York long enough to, like, understand nuances. And I'm like, anytime I'd do something, like, this is just baseline.

Yeah. Yeah, in South Carolina, I met a lot of black buddies that do comedy. And they were all into anime and Nickelodeon. And I was like, holy shit, dude. I wasn't into anime as much, but Nickelodeon totally. Yeah. Well, then there'll be crossover where it's like, you meet a black guy that really likes jackass. And you're like, oh, yeah, I guess people just can't be staring.

Like, a lot of times you're like, this is just fucking dumb brain. Yeah, I don't know why I didn't assume they would. I don't know if that's bad, but I was just like, oh, cool. No, it's not bad. There is a, it's actually good. It's actually, right. To know. To not be aware of it.

Question it. Yeah. Well, there's a whole YouTube page. It's a black guy, like listening to rock and roll. He's like never heard before. And I don't know how much if it's real, but it's like a black guy listening to Molly Grue. He's like, oh, my God, this is fucking sick. But that black guy probably knows he'll utilize on people who think that that's an amazing.

concept. Like a black guy that never heard rock and roll. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a fake video. Oh. What's that going to be like? You know that new sound you're looking for? What's you going to think of our way of life? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're just like, you guys are morons.

Yeah, no, I guarantee that's what he's doing. He's like, I've heard all this music before. I'm just going to like, but it is weird too where like some people just catch, like, music is strange. Like, some people will just have not have heard so much shit that you've heard. You're like, how do you've never heard this song? I think I'm guilty of that. I think I haven't heard many things.

Yeah. Growing up, I only listened to, like, show tunes. What? That is so... I would never expect that because you're like a very mysterious guy.

You think so? Yeah. Well, I like... Well, I don't know. I mean, yeah, growing up, I'd like basically, like, listened to, you know, it was like 2000s,

so you hear like the basic stuff, like, bye, bye and shit like that. Yeah. Like, whatever was a classic, Britney Spears. But like, yeah, dude, I didn't listen to it. Like, my house had no music.

Just like movies. It was the sound of music. Just like whatever movies I had. What was that thing you pulled out? The South Park musical? Was that one of those? That came later. Yeah.

That's like later. Yeah. That's like, you know. That's definitely show tunes, though. Totally. It's hilarious, but it's definitely the showtune genre. Off to the movies we will go where we learn everything that we know. I love that shit, dude.

Yeah. Well, I was like, for me, it was like my dad was into like very, very like one generation of rock. Like, Beatles stones didn't listen to much out of that. But my uncle was younger. So he kind of got me into like harder. rock and more like 80s rock and stuff like that. Yeah. I like that stuff too. I got into that stuff in high school.

80s like slap. I know everything about guns and roses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. That's the thing. I would learn about a thing, but then I'd become obsessed with that one thing. I didn't care about other 80s rock bands when I learned about guns and roses. Well, I have a question for you guys. Do you think music, like, do you think you find out certain music?

First time I heard like a lot of deaf leopard, I was like, this is so good. And now I'm like, this fucking sucks. And I don't know if that's because I've heard it so much or if because it did suck the whole time. You know what I mean? You're like, like, I'll say this. I don't enjoy ACDC.

I don't think they're not talented. But I feel like I may have just been beaten over the head so much with ACDC that I don't enjoy listening to it. For me, it's all context dependent. Like when I heard it and what I was doing when I heard it. ACDC I love because we would listen to that before football games. So the mindset was like adrenaline, get hype for a game. And whenever I think of ACDC, I'm like transported back to the locker room.

Like, backy, blah. Or thunderstruck. Yeah. But I wouldn't just put it on in my AirPods. I'd be like, I will. I'm listening to ACDC

walking to the fucking, yeah. I will, and that's why I think I'm a fucking crazy person. Yeah. I will listen to like, fucking fucking,

like, I don't know, dude, I'll listen to like fucking badass music while I'm walking down the street. And then sometimes I like, I am literally the coolest

fucking guy. And then randomly I'll be, yeah, and then randomly I'm like, who the fuck am I? Michael, you are cool. You live's a movie,

I don't even, I'm scared to get tattoos. I'm like, This tough guy. Yeah. I don't know. I'm just like, I swear to got any motherfucker

steps in me, I'll fucking, I'd get my fucking ass and I suck at fighting. Yeah. But are you just getting that headspace when you listen like

either rap or like hard rock? I know it's cool to be that guy, the one that could do that. Yeah. And then you learn who you are and you're like, fuck. Yeah.

To be able to do what? Like, you know, to be the guy that the cool guy that I can take on anybody, don't fuck with me. Yeah. Because if you fuck with me,

I'll fuck with you. Right. But then reality kicks in. you go to the deli and you whisper, if you can get a coffee, and you're like, okay, I'm not a badass, dude. And then you're like, you're like, no, were you in life first? I'm so sorry. Did I cut you? You don't even want to socialize the thing. But you're like, dude, like, yeah, some badass I am, you know. I didn't realize you were in line. I thought you were just standing. I'm so sorry, sir. You can go first. Then you go home, you listen to, you watch straight out of Compton, and you're like,

I'm, I'm, I'm exactly as cool as these guys, you know. Yeah. I have it, too, where I fantasize saying this. Like, I fantasized literally about saying, like, you do not want to fuck with me. But the truth is anybody could. Like, anybody could. Like, I don't know. I talked about us the last episode. There was a couple of, like, frat bros, which I was in a fraternity, but there was a couple, like, duchy-looking frat-brose.

They're being really mean to this barker. They were like, nobody wants to come to your fucking comedy show. And I was about to walk up. I was going to get pizza first and then come say this. They roasted a barker. That is pretty hilarious. Yeah, I'll be with that happened to that kid all day. And then I was going to walk up and be like, you're a fucking piece of shit. And I just, like, fantasy of me just. And then I came back and they were all gone.

But in my mind, I was like, they look, there's certain people that look like you could kick their ass, even if like, I'm not a big guy, but sometimes you look at people and you're like, oh, you just look really soft, I don't know. Yeah. But you don't know. I mean, it's like,

I have some of the scrappiest friends that, like, you never guess are fucking badasses. And then some really big people that are fucking babies. Like, it's all over the place. Yeah, I'm so small that, like, if I ever say anything to anyone, like, if a guy's bigger than me and they're like, fuck you.

and I'm like, hey, fuck you. There's like a moment where they're looking around like, see if a gun? Yeah. Like, because they can't imagine why I'd have the confidence. Yeah, where does he get this? Yeah, where's he, where's he, where's he getting this room? Does he like have everyone in this room his friend?

Yeah. Like, why is he? Yeah, that's a thing too with like, uh, I don't know if it's a, I, I feel like there's an ass whoopin coming from me. It's long overdue. I haven't been in a fight and like, have you ever, no? Oh, no, I've been in fights. Yeah, yeah.

But I, I, I, I've been in fights. feel like I'm like, what has it been like? What kind of fights have you been? Like, I got to fight you for my honor or like we were in this, we got caught up. I'll break down the fights of Benin. So there was people, whatever, listeners, how about you hear the story again? How about you have a little patience? Because these guys have it.

You guys are the real audience. Yeah. Yeah, I really care. Do people chirp if you repeat yourself, like in the comments? Maybe. I don't know. Me, I probably got a full fist fight one time because he kept touching my face. And I was like, he touched my face again.

I'll fucking punch you in the face. And then I did any. the shit out of me in a Walgreens. And like, we're knocking shit off the shelves. There was like a disabled person next to us. It was like, stop, stop. How old were you?

I was probably like 13. He was probably like 15 or 16. Okay. And then like, it's funny I said 15 or 16 because the age difference, he's always been the same age difference to me. It's not like he was this year.

It didn't change. But then we walked home laughing. I thought my producer, Paxton. He, there was this girl I was fingering in seventh grade. And I want to say that because we weren't dating

and we weren't doing more than fingering. So I want to say, a girl, that's got to be really... That's pretty advanced for seventh grade a finger. I didn't think I figured a girl until, like, way later. I was a very cool child. It just got so downhill. But I remember, like, the girl started, like, seeing another guy named...

I'll say his name. You can beep it, whatever. I don't really care. His name was Austin Cotton. And they were like, you know, Austin Cotton can bench, like, 400 pounds. Like, you know, Austin Cotton could do this. And I was like, shut up. And it just got annoying.

And I was like, say Austin Cotton's name one more. time. It's like Austin Codd, and then I like, I punched him and then it's so funny when you punch somebody and you're like, this is, every time I've punched me in the face, I go, this, I'm so weak. You punched a guy who could bench 400? No, no, no, no. I punched my friend who was saying, talking about the other guy. Ah. And then we wrestled and it got broken up. Then,

um, I've like, I've mostly like stomped people with other people, which is not good. Stombed? Like, like, as in like, like, jumped and been hitting somebody who's already. Holy shit. Yeah. That is my nightmare, dude. If you get jumped and you're outnumbered, bro. Yeah, but it's like...

There's no defending your honor there. You just get fucked. These two situations were both like... Also, like, one time I... Some guy shoved my girlfriend, so I pushed him. We were at like a VIP at a club, and then he punched me in the face and ran in the crowd.

And then the guy kept hanging out of a fraternity. I just had a gun. Apparently, like, pulled a gun on some chicks. So I'm like, all right, I guess we're just not going to fight this guy. Jesus. He's a gun. Holy boy. And then...

That's a lot of stuff. Yeah, the stomping was... Um, so like, we're at one of my friends's funerals. We're kind of just looking to fight somebody. Like after party, we're at like a karaoke place. A funeral after party? Yeah. Jesus, Michael.

I've never been to a funeral without an after party, but. Really? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. That's wild. I'm genuinely adding it up.

I haven't been to a lot of funerals where I haven't seen cocaine come out afterwards. Yeah. I didn't even know. Dude, I wish. I didn't realize you could do that. I ended up at a dog post-dog funeral with cocaine one time. But this one was, this is what happened. There was a guy wearing like a Che Guevara.

What do you call the Star Hat? Like the Star Barre? Like the sort of communist kind of thing. Yeah. Revolutionary is communist? I don't know. I don't know. It's like, look, look, you could be revolutionary,

but you're going to wear that at the karaoke bar. You're going to start a revolution at the karaoke bar, you fucking douche. And I'm not like a political guy. I don't care if you're a communist or a fascist or whatever. Like I'm like, whatever. But I was just like, this guy's, I remember looking at the guy. I'm like, you guys are a fucking douche. And then we, he comes up to my black friend.

He's like, what's up my end word? And he's like, white. And we're like, all right, just stop. And he's like, we're not, like, going to fight him over that because he's just trying to, he goes, what's up my end where we're going to stop doing that? He goes, what are you guys going to do about it? And then one of my friends, I try to show him we're crazy. So I took a glass bottle.

And I walked so far away because I was like, I don't want to fight the scabit but I don't want to show him were crazy. And I tried to smash this Hinegat bottle. Didn't break. So I just looked like a giant pussy. It just knocked on the thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he did knock on, you're like, oh, fuck.

Oh, I'm like, oh, dude, look like such a fucking pussy. And then my buddy tackled him. And then he's smiling this whole time. So, like, this is not like we just, like, jumped a random guy. Yeah, like, trying to. Well, yeah, he said the N word. Yeah, yeah. But then.

And he's like, what are you going to do about it? That's pretty fucked up. Yeah. But then the problem is, then I kicked him and I called him a faggot. So I'm like, I'm, where am I in this? I'm not, I'm not a hero. But I'm like, but not because he was gay. And I was also.

kicking with my friend who had two gay dads. And then I later was like, hey, by the way, that was like a not homophobic. I was just, I just was beating the fuck I'd eat. And I shouldn't have. No, not to think. I was telling my friend who was two gay dads. Oh, oh, clarifying the, yeah, yeah.

But I would not like to, uh, I would not. That was a bad decision. But it was just like, you don't call him an N-word, you faggot. It was like such a, but, uh, it was, as I said, there was no, this guy wasn't gay as far as I know. But, um, yeah. Look, not proud of that. very, right after a funeral

very ashamed of that. Let me put it that way. Right, this all happened after a funeral. Yeah. Dogs funeral? There's, there's the dog. No, this is different. There's a lot of anger and grief

built up into that violence. Yeah. I guess it was part of this story. Yeah. That'd be the bell. Yeah, I will say. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't think it's anyways. You know, the, now I'm so backtracking. I'm like, I swear to God, I like gay people. I swear to God, this is just what came out of that moment, nothing to do with it. sexuality. I've been pegged.

Have you guys seen the movie Neighbors? Yes. A long time ago. It's so, that's a wild movie to me because they say the N-word, like a white guy says the N-word in it two times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why he's permitted to do that. That was just the mid-2000s, though. It's like, it's like...

That wasn't mid-2000s. That was like 2014. I'm Googling it. That's a cutoff, man. Too late. Which guy said it in the movie? Ike Barrenholz. Oh, what an asshole. He said it two times.

This guy looks like he'd say it. What a piece of shit. What a joke. What a cowardly way to say it, though. You're saying it in a movie on a crew to people only you're comfortable with, and then you put it out. And then if it bothers anyone, no one can do anything about it because you're a fucking screen. Yeah, but like, I don't think that's cowardly. It's not like he's like he's like, it's not like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he didn't write it. Yeah, yes, he did. It's improvised probably.

You're making so many guesses on here. There's no way that Seth Rogen gave him the line to say the end word. I don't, I don't think so. I bet you, I bet you he did one. I think films a different thing. And I think, like, um, that whole movie's basically improvised anyway. Yeah. I really don't like Ike's face, though. Oh, he's so funny. Is he? Is he comedian? I don't want to... He was on Mad TV.

I don't know. I got weird opinions on words. I've said it so many times this podcast, so... Not the N-word, but I'm saying I've said my complicated opinions on language. And I don't... No, I get it.

I just don't want to repeat it because it's just, like, exhausted at this point. But a funny thing did happen with a gay guy this weekend, so I was at this thing dressed as a priest, and I was talking to this gay guy, but he just got married. I'm like, congratulations.

That's fucking awesome, man. Like, he's like, I mean, my husband got married. I'm like, sweet. And then I'm like, yeah, it's great. I mean, marriage is between a man and a woman, but I'm like, but I'm like, I'm kidding. I'm dressed as a priest.

It's a joke. Yeah. And the music's so loud. He's like, what? And I'm like, no, no, it's, I'm joking because I'm dressed, I'm ironically dressed as a priest. I'm not religious. I don't think, and he's just missing all this because the speakers are so loud.

And he just walks away. And I'm like, I think I just thinks I, he took it to face value that you thought was going to help. And I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, but, you know, sometimes people, people that will just think I'm homophobic, but you know, it's just part of life. That's part of me think, too, it's like, I don't care if somebody, if somebody pegs me correctly and

doesn't like that, that's one thing, but I don't like people misinterpreting. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's a scary people pleaser thing. We're like, no, no, I'm actually not that guy. I'm just this guy, yeah. Yeah. But what is your, do you, you seem like a guy who's pretty comfortable not caring what people think of him? I have to be. It just, my life doesn't go that way. I have to not care what people think. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I care so much. Yeah.

Me and you. Me and you, I do and I don't. With dominant women, me and him, same cloth, with wanting people to like us, me and you're saying club. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I want people like me too, but I just, I've accepted it that that's not my circumstance sometimes.

And if I wait for it, I'll just be miserable. So I can't. No, not caring's right. I was, I'm kind of acceptable. And it's better, yeah. I mean, you free yourself if you don't give a shit. They like you if you do. And then the people that end up liking you when you don't care are the right person.

Plus, I don't need everyone to like me. Like what does that mean? Who's, what does it mean everyone likes me? Not everybody likes. You have gum. What does it mean if everyone likes you? Like who? You smell good.

Do you have gum? Yeah. Then you become. Yeah. You always get people gum. Always get people vapes. Yeah. They become like Pedro Pascal where you just like a, what even are you?

Yeah. Who are you? You have no identity. I kind of, I hate, I hate, I hate Pedro Pascal. And it's because. Me too, dude. There's no like. Like, oh, he, he, he had, there's no edge.

There was something he said recently. He was so funny. I forgot what it was. He said something like, bullying's bad. We need to stop bullying. I was like, wow, what a, what a take from here, sir? What a take? It's just so funny to hate this guy for, like, no reason.

So brave. Yeah, I don't know. How come I seem, do I seem like I don't care? Like, you said, it's easy for me, you said. Yeah, you seem like a guy who doesn't care. Like, on stage, you seem very comfortable. And, like, in conversation, you seem like, never afraid to say how you feel.

Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's good to know. Yeah, I think it's a great quality. Thanks. Because, like, you know, like, there's difference between being an asshole and just being authentic and there's, I don't know. Another one I was talking about, Dada get totally off track. I hate

Billy Bob Thornton for some reason. I don't know. But I love just hating people. I don't know. There's like no... What does he do? What does he stand for? Why do you hate him? I think he stands for, like, fake fake fake, I don't know anything about his past,

maybe he does have... Like Larry the Cable guy. Yeah, kind of a little bit, yeah. He does kind of look like an asshole. I see. I don't know him that well. I mean, I know who you... I just wanted to re-look at his face to see.

But you don't like him because he's fake. But his character's fake. I mean, dude, he did bang Angelina Jolie. Like, you gotta respect that. Yeah, no, I respect that. And it's like, by the way, all of this is just baseline. It's not like, I've actually met him. I'm sure we get along about...

Totally. He was in like a Verizon, commercial where he's just like walking through like the woods and he's just like, he goes, people a lot, people a lot more high tech than me built this great technology. I'm like, shut up. Shut the fuck up. There's also, there's some video where somebody's, I got to find it. There's some video where somebody's talking about his band.

Yeah. And they're just asking about his band. He's like, I'm a fucking musician, man. Like, you're just like trying so hard to be like this, I don't know. But maybe like, I don't know. Can you look up his past real quick? I'm sorry. I'm just like, if I found out he like had like a really cool.

past than maybe like there's that one actor people are gonna hate me for getting his name from um full metal jacket that literally was I think he was an advisor he was a military guy who was on

as an advisor to Stanley Kubrick and Kubrick's like no you fucking get in and play the role so like he's an authentic guy who like was in the military and stuff like that um he was authentically in the military

right but yeah but then his character is like this tough like no nonsense but he that's who he is yeah where'd he grew up I don't know where he grew up. He was a drummer of a blues rock band called Trace Ombres. How late was that, though? Was that like four years ago? 2007?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, suck my dick. It's not like he did that when he was like fucking 19. No, he looks old here. Look at him. He's fucking... Yeah, oh, you fucking pussy. Yeah, that's when he's like old as shit.

He's like, yeah, I'm going to get into blues and like, yeah, I'm going to get into blues. And like, yeah, I'm watching a documentary about like Glenn... I love people to get sober when they're like nine. That's so cool to me. Glenn Danzig, like the lead singer The Misfits, it was like, he's like, I've been stabbed, I've been shot at us in gangs, and he's like, I don't know, and you're like sober when you're like nine,

you're like, that's a real, like, Anisio del Toro, wait, I mixed him up, Danny Trejo, that's an example. Dude, he was cellmates with fucking Marilyn Manson. So, Charles Manson. So street credit, you're saying? Yeah, street cred. Yeah, he was born in Arkansas, so southern gay.

But, yeah, I like hating celebrities, though. I'm with you. It's so easy. It's not real, but... Yeah, yeah, it's not real. If he came over here, I'd be like, please, Mr. Thornton, please do the podcast. Yeah.

He'd be like, I don't even understand how these microphones work. The only thing I know how he uses my gun. So you think he's putting on a schick and, like, he's never stopping. Like, it's not really who he is. Yeah, and this is all speculation. I have no evidence to do this.

That's probably true. I mean, every celebrity is probably doing that to a certain degree, right? Yeah. I don't think Tom... I'm supposed to believe Adam Sandler and Chris Rock are, like, best friends. I don't think they hang out.

I don't think that's true. A lot. You know what I mean? In the movie, like, this is the end. It's like, Jonah Hill, Seth Rogen, they're all, like, in a party at James Franco's house. I'm like, I'm like, I don't think anyone's ever been to a party at James Franco's house. I don't think that's actually real.

Yeah. Yeah, he's, he's been sober for like 20 years. I said a example of some guy who's been sober. I heard Seth Rogen say, he's like, I've never been to a party at Seth Rogen. I mean, at James Franco's house. So it's like. It's all an illusion. Yeah.

Yeah. Who bugs me is Ryan Reynolds. Yes. Really? Yep. He's a little smug. Because this is my thing, too. I'm Brian Reynolds. I'm always funny. And Deadpool was a real guy. He'd be, like, banging 18-year-olds. He'd be kind of a scumbag.

Like, you have this guy who's going to throw, like, a bone through somebody's neck, like, a human bone. Like, Deadpool 3, he takes, like, a guy's bones and, like, kills another guy with it. It's, like, you think that guy is going to be, like, not maybe a little racist. Like, he's going to have other aspects of him that are kind of, like, fucked up. Like, he's not just going to be like, oh, you know the fuck to think about me? Sometimes I'm going to say a kind of off-color joke here and there. You're like, no, you, you kill. kill people.

Yeah. You probably like, I don't know, probably do some fucked up shit. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't think just because you kill people

doesn't mean you're necessarily like, bad or racist. I'm saying like, I don't think those are related, like having sex with young girls because you kill. Right. Because he seems to like get along with, like he,

like, that little, like, there's like a high school girl in the movie that like hugs him because he beats the shit out of the guy that's stalking her in the beginning of the movie.

movie. Right. And that's all cool. And he and he falls in love with a girl that's like his age. And he's in a pretty adult relationship. Right. I feel like he could manage. But the kind of guy who's getting like joy, like he's not, he's not killing people and being like, oh, I hate killing. He like enjoys killing people. So he's got that's what I'm kind of saying. So he has some sense of sociopathy. How cool is it in the movie though when they're about to

choke out T.J. Miller and then everyone pulls out a gun to support him. Yeah. The whole bar is like, which is the opposite. We got your back. Yeah. The opposite. of what happened in real life with T.J. Miller. Nobody pulled out a gun and defended him. Well, he's such a strange. I love T.J. Miller.

I like him as a character. He toured in South Carolina, and we got to meet him when he came in, and he was super cool to us. Yeah, it's his job to be super cool to you after a show. He was bullshit. I don't care what anyone says. Oh, I met him. He was really cool. Like, okay, great. That doesn't mean anything. Yeah, yeah.

Especially to meet. Especially in the big. That night met a lot to me. I know. I'm sure it did. I don't know if you get, getting older is realizing everybody you look up to is not what you think. Piece of shit.

Damn. And the coolest guy is probably like the guy that drops off your Amazon packages. That's probably like the real guy that's like the nicest guy in the world. I hate that guy. Probably not. That's not always true too. You know, some of those guys are dicks.

Yeah. I'm saying there are good people, but like in those instances, like, no, I feel like. It's like hard to judge a person's character based on they were nice to you as at a place where they were expected to be social and nice. It's like, oh, glad he didn't ruin his public appearance when he came out after his show. We, like, hung out and drank after, like, all night and stuff.

Just you guys? Me and a couple people that worked at the club. All right. And it was, yeah, I was like, he didn't have to do that. I was like, oh, DJ. Yeah, that is a thing, too. Like, I met Jimmy Carr once, and he was, like, the sweetest guy.

Yeah. I was like, oh, this seems real. I feel like he was just real social and, like, to party, and it was a good time. He did a thing, T.J. Millis. he like talked about how Ryan Reynolds is a piece of shit or something. Oh really?

But then he goes... No, seriously, you could find so many clips of it on YouTube. He's such a troll, T.J. Miller. And he's like, talking about how Ryan is a piece of shit. And then you could see on another podcast, he's like, I think people were kind of misconstruiting what I was saying. Like, about, I mean, he's a really sweet guy. And he walks it back.

Like, he made it seem like the media. It's like you literally. said with your words that Ryan Reynolds is a piece of shit and you didn't like him and you know what I think happens I think Ryan probably like email him or something and he's probably like hey man I'm sorry you're going to like a hard time like I'm here for you like

he probably like probably didn't come at him with like a shitty attitude and then Tj probably felt bad and he's like oh man I'm such a piece of shit and now he's trying to like... So Tj just looks all over the place. Yeah I think he's insane I think he's a little crazy guy I mean that's like not even I love him I'll say by him I'll say by him I mean he called the bomb threat

what was the bomb threat story called a bomb threat into like a train Yeah, but that just sounds like That to me sounds like That was happening when people were getting canceled Like left and right And they were kept You know, they kept putting out stories about people to Yeah

And then people got tired of that He like, like, oh, Harvey, Cosby was bad And then Louie's like, oh, okay And then Aziz were like, wait, what? And then TJ were like, what? It all became like, what are we doing now? Like, what are we canceling people for? Because he was weird on a train station?

I didn't even know he was in trouble. Yeah, he called like a bomb threat into a train station. Is that a reason to cancel a career? No, well, he also, he had a Me Too thing.

But, uh, but I, yeah, I know those even connected. Like, no, they're not. But the thing is nobody,

nobody reads any article on anything they just see the headline. Yeah, yeah, yeah, um, T.J. Miller punished his ex-girlfriend in college, and he posted he bombed a buck he yelled up a bomb threat.

Yeah. I think it's kind of fun to call in bomb threats. I've never done it, but I'm like, that has to be so fun to people are going to be. I was with somebody recently. He was jokingly talking about it, like, on a train kind of loud. They're like, what if there's like a bomb on this train?

I was like so nervous. Yeah, you've been saying the word will get you in trouble. Yeah, yeah. It's also surprising it doesn't happen more. Like, I always think there's going to be a terrorist attack on a train in New York. Did you guys do pranks when you were like in high school? I'm sure you did. Yeah, I would always do the saran wrap under the toilet seat.

Yeah. So I really go pee, it splashes everywhere. How did those impulses go away? I don't really want to do pranks anymore, but I kind of want to do pranks anymore. We want to egg a car or something. You do? Yeah, be fun And yours, asshole

You gotta do like a creative one Like me and my roommates will do them We'll scare each other sometimes I think that's always fun Because I'm like wouldn't it be scary If I was as a serial killer But I'm just your buddy We used to take paper towel

And then wet them You throw them on the ceiling In your bathroom That's so disgusting dude Well you don't like It's not like a shit all over it You just take paper And then you wet it

And then you fully I know But there's something to be About the consistency That makes it gross I know It became like a mushy little

Yeah He just threw it up there What's like the best prank You like know of so I feel like I got I gotta dig in my brain I've heard some ones And I'm like that's I got one that's I think's pretty good

My brother did it in high school He put the principal He took a picture of the principal's car And listed it on Craigslist For $1,000 and then put the office phone number So they just kept getting calls About it all this awesome Yeah

And they were like stop fucking calling This isn't really a prank But like my friends And I snuck into city field at night. That was pretty cool. That's pretty fun. Pretty cool.

My friend stole a key from a guard and copied it. He went to that length. Dude, that's wild. Oh, that's cool. We climbed a fence and hid past security lights, got inside, and then took the key and used it to drive a golf cart around. Hell yeah, dude. And then we just ran after that, and we got away with it.

How long were you in the stadium for? Because there's security cameras, I bet, so. Like 20 to 30 minutes We hopped a fence Dude What a rush I couldn't believe What we were doing

Do you still know this guy? I won't do it I don't really talk to me Probably in jail Yeah But you know He'll copy the key And make his way out of there

But he was super cool man We called him Musty Musty Did he smell weird or He's very gross He's got the hook up He was a very gross Guy

Somebody called him musty That's why we called him that Because he was gross But he could get things Teachers Oh this is one It was Gia of I was talking to an older person who told me they used to have a teacher.

This is really fucked up. They had a teacher with a hearing aid. And so what they would do is they'd talk really quietly. So he'd think his hearing aid's not working. And then he'd turn it up. And then they start talking really loud, which is just so cruel, but kind of funny. Oh, Jesus. Yeah.

That's a good one. Teacher ones are always good. Like, there was a principal at our old school. And somebody made a whole Wikipedia page that he had an alias as like a gay stripper named the gay gunslinger. And Wikipedia page used to stay up first. like years because nobody was checking it. Yeah. We, I remember one time I like

changed all the backgrounds on the school computers of like a fat, hairy guy and a speedo. So like when other kids would log on, that computer, it wasn't just my login. It was, that computer itself would have it. That's a fun one. That's very. Oh, and then our fucking bitch bitch-ass principle comes up. He's like, you think this is

funny? And I was like, yes, this is fun. I was like, yes, this is, this is you're going to look me in the face and say this isn't funny. This is funny. Yeah, I used to steal they were called commendation cards. You ever get those in elementary school? You get them in school.

It's like if you do a good thing or whatever. It's like money. It becomes like money. Commendation cards. So you can use it to like get out of class or like get it out of homework or to like, you know, whatever. So if you got one,

you could like exchange it for value of something. Exactly. Yeah. For like if you did you get them if you did good things. Got it. If you were really smart or cool or sexy or something. Yeah. Some of the girls just getting all of them.

Take a cover. Yeah, all the girls. And you could buy candy. Like, you could purchase candy. So my friend and I snuck into her teacher's room and, like, stole commendation card, stole candy. And then, like, someone saw us go into the room. And they were outside of the room in the hallway saying, who was the one that just walked in? They were trying to figure out who walked in.

And they didn't know we were still in there. So we were just, like, hiding. as they were like yelling at everyone else. Oh, that's such a rush. Yeah, it was super cool, man. I was just remembering creepy teacher stories because we were joking about that. We had this one teacher,

and everybody would say he was a creep. I'm like, he's not a creep, and then I remember this story of him, there was such a creep. So he was drawing stick figures of students in the board. And this chick, I'd say her name is Sally. It's not her name, but he just drew giant tits on her because she had big tits in like the eighth grade.

You're like, that is crazy. Yeah. Sally. But now we know who he's talking about in the picture, you know. Yeah.

How else would we know? Right. He couldn't just do an arrow with her name. He's not an artist. Yeah, yeah. He's got to put something on there. I have always thought that.

Sally with the big tits. I always thought that like, how complex art gets that like when cave artists were drawing, they're probably like, that looks like the stick. They're like, that looks just like you.

Because there's like no point of reference. Now it's like, now it's like you're like, you look at a picture. Yeah, that doesn't really look like. Yeah. It gets like very, I don't know.

There's something to be said about that. Because cave artists actually end up drawing pretty like interesting looking like figures for some reason. They didn't have like, they didn't have it in them. They didn't have like the 21st century attitude to like draw a stick figure. You know that what they're doing is abstract. Like they didn't, to end up what didn't even register is a funny, there's no cavemen paintings of that. None, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Zero. But like how come? You know what I mean? Well, I bet you it's a laziness thing. I bet you they're like, that's good enough. That looks enough. No, there's is better. There's looks like more interesting.

It does, but like a stick figure like, because they did a lot of stick figures. And you see like a stick figure and you're like, I wonder if they had their own version of that, like a way to draw tits that was silly that didn't depict proper. And it wasn't. Like respectfully. Also, I bet you tits were just so small for a while because like there's people so malnourish. Like we probably, I mean, outside of fake tits, we're probably getting like the juiciest tits in the world in this generation. That's a good point. Like, like obviously there were, like, I guess maybe in like,

you know, medieval times, that's when you started to get it. But like, when you were talking like cave, like you did not get enough protein, carbohydrates, and fat to get like big jugs back in the day. Do women in Africa have huge tits? Some of them do. I feel like some do. Yeah, you're right. But maybe that's just because their bodies are mountain. Maybe it's just like a perception thing.

Like they're like bloated because they're so malnourished. Well, they're just so thin that incis paris into like their arms and their tits look big. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I think that's some of the cave ladies. National Geographic. Yeah, you do see big tits on women that are pretty like malnourge. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think it's a new age thing. Yeah. Big tits. Sometimes I'm wrong. Especially when we jump that guy, which I'm going to say again, that was,

you're still thinking about that? That was seven years ago. I've changed a lot as a person, okay? Yeah. There was a teacher in my high school who we all thought had sex with the student. Every year she picked one.

And we were all like, oh, I hope it's me. Was it verified or there's just rumors? I don't know. Yeah. And you wanted to be the kind? I still don't know. I still don't.

To this day, I don't know. I wasn't cool enough to figure it out then. Yeah. No one's updated me with any information since. Yeah. You know what I wonder? So I always... I hope she's doing it.

Yeah. I guess. I'm sure we're all the same way. You always wanted to fuck your teacher. And I wonder if, like, how often there was that teacher that you wanted to fuck that she wanted to, but she was just an adult. Like, she was like... Totally.

Like, because you're, I remember just like praying. I was like, God, please. I've stayed in touch with some of them. I think we could do it now. I think they'd be into it. That would be fun. That'd be awesome, dude. Yeah.

Follow up on those. I do. Yeah. Weekly. DM. Yeah. She doesn't. Come to the show. Yeah. Yeah, we have like one or two.

They're like, it's weird because they, in hindsight, they felt old to me. They felt like adults. When you're in high school, they feel like adults. But they were like probably 26 to 28. Yeah. And just hot. Like. Jesus.

One time who was saying like, she was like, she was like, I can't teach high school. because I do want to fuck the 18-year-old boys that are there. Like, she's just like, I can't... When did she say that? She's probably like 24. This is like, probably six years ago. That is a friend, but not a teacher.

Not a close friend, but like this friend of a friend who we're out partying with. What you put it like that? 24 to 18, that's not that much of a... That's almost like a contraband. No, no. But in her mind, she's like, I'm just going to be responsible

and not work with kids this age, yeah. 24 is not old. No. But you're expected to just be totally professional? Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Crazy request. Crazy request.

It's a lot to ask. I have... Can't expect these 24-year-old stack, right? Yeah, come on. Your brain doesn't develop until you're 26. So, like, come on. No, but it is a thing, too, with like... Pardon them for a couple of these

children that they fucked. Pardon them for these children. I mean, come on. You change that child, but, you know. So pretty young. Yeah, well, I knew teachers that are like, yeah, no, students actively try to fuck you. Like they're like they actively will like

Hey what's your Snapchat? Like let's hang out outside school Like it's like constant Which doesn't by the way That doesn't You're still the adult You still should say you know You're like you're not like

What was I supposed to do? You know what I mean? Yeah you're professional boundaries Yeah yeah But it is a thing where like they go the other way And they're like trying to yeah Yeah One time when I was in like

Fourth grade Mrs. Broxma She invited all the boys over to her apartment To play video games And have food and stuff And then our parents picked us up at like 9 o'clock or something. Yeah.

Do you think that's fucked up? Do you think that's inappropriate boundary wise? I've thought about this. We know now because we had a similar thing. We had a sleepover where we all watched. It was like, not a sleepover. It was like everybody went over there. It had candy.

We watched Shrek. Yes. Same vibe. Teachers house? Yeah, teachers house. Yeah. There's two teachers. But they were like, I think it was a thing where like then we just, we have more

knowledge of that now. So now we like know what to look for. I don't think they were trying to do that. It's like when they- I thought it was fine at the time. I thought it was really fun. Yeah. And I think it is, but I think like then they just wouldn't even be thinking like, oh, people are going to think I'm going to fuck their kids.

But now people are like, okay, now it's like, yeah, now it's like, dude, you don't, like, I'm like, I'm like so scared of looking like a pedophile. Somebody's like's like my kid. I'm like, hi. I'm like, dude, keep. But that makes you look more like a petapod. You're like, don't put this kid in the same room as me. Yeah. Like, even as an adult, like, you should not be just for like liability reasons.

Like, you shouldn't typically be in a room alone with a kid. Like, that's like, totally. I had like a tutor, I remember, and he was like, oh, yeah, the tutoring company will not let me come to your house without your parents here. And it's like, that's a thing too where it's like, yeah. Like I had a younger sister. My dad was always like, yeah, you don't like, don't even hang out in the same room as like your sister's friends. Because it's like, you're just like. You're just putting it in a bad situation.

Yeah, not like don't do it because you can't resist a temptation. But like don't do it because like anything could sound out of context or look out of context. It's like you don't even like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We are at an hour. Exactly an hour right at the... Yeah, I mean, we could go for a little long if we want to, but...

Up to you. Rending on a pedophile note, if not... Well, my grandpa died. That's all I got. Your grandpa died. Sorry to hear that, dude. I appreciate it, yeah. When? Sorry to hear that.

Yesterday. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, yeah. Oh, dude. Look, sometimes you're fishing for stuff. I'm... I'm out of top of grandpa. Sorry, grandpa.

We got a shoehorn. this in. No, dude, it's like a thing with like I don't know, we'll probably go for like five more minutes. It's a weird thing when somebody dies that old because you're like, he lived like the fucking sickest life. Like his last days were like on a condo in Marco Island like smoke at cigars and drinking vodka like looking out on like at like a beach.

It doesn't really get better than that. It literally doesn't. That's best his life can get. I mean, unless a woman was sucking his cock at the same exact time. I don't think so. But I don't. I don't know so. But that's as good as it can be

you're on a beach smoking a cigar drinking I mean, what else can life give you? Yeah, nothing. But I think the only other thing would be like if you die at the same time as your wife, because his wife's still alive. Like that's what makes it sad because you're like,

ah, fuck. Yeah. And then also like... You're saying dying at the same time as optimal of your wife? Yeah, like holding hands and then it's just like yeah. But I think it was a thing too

where like, no matter what, you always just wish you spent more time with that part. You know what I mean? But the last time I hung out with them was great. It was kind of Shutter Islandie. I'll say this. I went down there. We grabbed vodkas together.

We drank them. We talked for a little bit. And he was like, yep, I'll see you next time. And we both knew there was like no next time. So it was like, have you seen you the end of Shutter Island?

Yeah. I had not. Where they're like, yep, yep. Remind me the line. They're just like, they're about to put this guy down and like give him a lobotomy.

And he's just like, yep, oh, everything's great. I'll see you tomorrow. And then they walk with him. Yeah, right, right. Yeah. So it's felt kind of like that. When I closed the door and I was like,

wow, I closed the door knowing I cried But I was like That is the last time I'll see that guy's face Did you guys talk about anything serious The last time you talked about like No no no

I wasn't like what's dying like Yeah what's it like dying Part of me should have I was trying to get him on the pod He wouldn't do it But then like He apparently my mom was like And my dad were like

You ought to really like ask him to do it Because like the dude lived A fascinating life He was like played for like the Brooklyn Dodgers Was like a boxer What? Holy shit That's so cool Yeah he was like the faciest guy

In his old person community It's like Marco Island It's not an old person community, but just old people move there. So he's like that guy where he goes out at the bars and they're like, Jack, he owned a bar. They're like, ah, you owe me $20. Like, just that kind of like thing. But yeah, I don't know. No matter what, it's so funny, too, because no matter what, you're just like, yeah, I wish.

But you can't physically spend time with everybody because then you would be spending less time with other people. So like, if I spend every weekend hanging out my grandpa, I would spend less time with you guys. Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so you don't beat yourself up for the not spending the time. I do a little bit.

Yeah. I definitely do feel like, no matter what, I'm a guilty feeling person, so I feel guilty about like literally fucking anything else. There's only so much time in the day, though. Like you said, it is,

I mean. Yeah. Also, old people are hard to talk to on the phone. Like, I would like talk to them and then both of them be like, all right, you know, all right.

I'm see you later. You're like, yeah, we don't have a lot to talk about, but I was thinking about it. I was like, if me and this guy were the same age, we'd get along so well.

Mm-hmm. But we're not, so it's sometimes hard to like, it's probably hard for them. It's probably hard for an old person to connect to a young person because you're like, like maybe you want to give advice here and there

but sometimes you're just like, we got nothing in common, dude, I don't know. How old is he? How old was he? 94. Yeah, full life. That's a good life. Yeah.

You know, 94? Yeah. Well, that's why it was weird. Like, I cried yesterday, but then you compartmentalize things. Then you just like, you got a lot going on your day and you're like, oh, I definitely haven't processed this at all.

So it's weird that I'm talking about it. But I was also like, let's, you know, I don't know sometimes you're just like, eh, you want to get the thing out there that you're thinking about. My grandpa's 85. I need to call him more.

Yeah, call him more, dude. They're great. I mean, they, like, lucid. He was like a sales guy's whole career,

so he's very personable. Try to sell him something. I got to sell him on something. Tell him, hey, how do you like it? How do you like being badgered about something?

Yeah. Yeah. Call him today. Call him to, fuck, I put the day. Put him on the horn. Right now?

Right now. Call your great. Oh, dude, there's a whole other thing. Call him and say, listen, if anyone fucks with you, I'll break their legs. Yeah. Tell him that. See what he feels. Probably make him feel good.

Yeah. Don't do it. He'd be mad if I said, fuck. He's a Christian man. Oh, really? Yeah, a big Bible study guy. And to be honest, yeah, this is a whole other thing we can't talk about. But yeah, our relationship has been like, boop since comedy.

Like, we used to talk all the time, but now he's like, he knows it's not as Christian, so he doesn't call as much of him. Oh, that sucks. Because my grandpa was, I think, really just maybe. He was an Irish guy from Boston, but he like... Buck him. Mine or Dave. Never mind. Don't call him.

Don't call him your fucking nerd. Don't call that Christian nerd. But I remember a good memory. I will say a good memory. We took him to go see, like, was that the night before that Seth Rogen movie? Yeah. Which one? Where they, it's like a Christmas Seth Rogen movie.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And he fucking loved it. And it was like dirty. and they're doing drugs. And I was like, oh, this is a cool old guy because, like, he loved you. He was, like, laugh.

And he's like, that shit was fucking hilarious. And I'm like, it's cool that he's not like, these younger movies. He's too much bad language. Yeah. He was like,

he just got, I think, I think Boston people get cursing and, like, ruggedness. Like, I did that. You said your grandpa from Boston? Yeah. Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah, sure. I get it. Yeah, I have a weird time relating to those old people. Like, I did a gig at a VA hall like a couple months ago. Uh-huh. And it was like half of them were like sailor, like guys that like probably fucked a bunch of lady boys in Thailand.

Like, I only say that because the guy stood up and was like, I fucked lady boys in Thailand. But then the other one was for these fucking uptight fucking bitch. Dude, this guy was just like, my buddy was on stage. He's like, that's like, he was going to say something. He was like, oh, so like wow and tight. And you're like, dude, how have you like been to war and then like somebody cursing like bothers? Like I don't get it. I don't know.

Yeah. My dad's very anti-cursing. It's a thing we like. but heads on all the time. Catholic? Strict Catholic? No, no. But, like, it's just weird.

He just grew up in, like, I think he grew up an area where cursing was, like, not, like, and it's so weird to me. I'm like, dude, this is just somebody talking. I don't know why it bothers you.

Yeah, unless... He has a lot for some people. But I'm like, why? Because words affects people, I suppose. It's just shocking if you never hear it, probably too.

It's like, whoa. Yeah. But I think also, like, he, to see her son have like the biggest fucking potty mouth is like you're like Yeah You're probably like I raised this kid

And now he's just talking about I failed Yeah You know what I mean You're like yeah that's what it is So it's like I don't know But I don't feel any shame over Because like I

I just I don't believe in like the whole I don't know I think Your intention is more about what matters Unless like I don't know It's like I've never been around somebody And had them like

Oh don't get me wrong Like I get uncomfortable Like racist people say the N word And stuff like that Yeah, but... I get it. I get it if he was upset, if you were like, fuck you, that's like a direct insult.

But you just say, like, I was at this fucking place. And then he's like, hey, that's like... But you know, he has said that... It's like... He has said certain people cursing doesn't bother him because it seems really natural, but when some people, it doesn't seem natural, bothers him.

Oh, I get that. Yeah, kind of makes sense. Yeah, because he can feel that their intention is not pure. They're not... They're trying to come up. That's reasonable, actually. Yeah, that actually does make sense. sense, yeah. But also some people just like...

Like, some people are like, can I say the N words? Like, I don't know, can you? Like, can you? Like, what happens if you do it? Can you can you? Can you? Like, it's really not on us, you know? We're gonna respond the way we feel like is appropriate. But then you do you, man. Let's see, if you can handle the repercussions. Yeah, I've always said that

that words like skateboarding where it's like, if you can land the trick, you can land the trick, but if you can't, you can't. And saying it in handwords like skateboarding. As a non-black person, yeah, like, dude, fat, well, there is something, because some people can say it and some people can't. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I can not.

Right. Like, I think I've jokingly soft aid and it's been funny, like, once. And then every other time, it's like, everybody's uncomfortable and it's not even remotely. And if you try to say it, you'll hurt yourself. But dude, like, for some reason, like, I don't know, like, Louis said it. And politics aside, like, he said it. And nobody was, like, upset. And he didn't just say it, like,

once. Like, clearly he had to have been sang it. Still said it on a podcast like a year ago. Wait, he said it. Louis. Like, oh, dude, he said it to Patrice O'Neill's face on a podcast. That's the funniest ever, dude. So really don't know, look up the origin of the N-word. Right, right. I'm not going to say the punchline.

Right. I just, just look up Louis C.K. Patrice's origin of the N. But you know what is with him? It's like, he has no hesitation. Right. So people can feel it that when he says it, there's no hate behind it. I think. I think that's why people accept it globally.

Even if they don't know why they accept it, they did accept it. He said it so many times and nobody... And if they did give him a problem, it didn't stop him from doing it more. Ever, like, clearly.

So like... No hesitation, no guilt. I think that's what your dad has that same... Like, he can't even really tell you why, that feeling, you know? There's a feeling behind it. One, I think there's two things. I think there's somebody saying... like a slur like in that way that they're like they're bigoted like they have something against

that group but then there's also somebody just uncomfortably saying the slur and that's actually also uncomfortable. I saw I'll play one time and a white guy was saying the N word and it was more uncomfortable than if he was racist because he was uncomfortable. You know what you're like this is now a guy playing a guy and it's so uncomfortable. Yeah. You got to commit. You got to commit. But that's that's commit to what David? saying the you gotta commit yeah

I was to leave it there it's so much too this topic every single week the N word comes up on this podcast and I

do not have a lot of black guests not intentionally I literally hit up who could do the podcast so I hit up like I saw you on what was it like three nights

ago and I was like oh I had Dina I loved to have Dian was it was three nights ago was two nights ago it was like two nights ago I was like I

I fucking love to have Dina on and so I was like but sometimes I'm just hitting I've wanted to do it for a very long time this podcast. Really?

Yeah, for years. Are you serious? Yes. That means the fucking world. Really? Yeah, dude, that's awesome. Really? I would have you on for years, yeah.

Well, there was definitely like, yeah, many episodes. I was like, yeah. You're listening to it. You're like, I wouldn't have fucking, you should have said this joke. Yeah, I was like, I wish I was there. Dang. Oh, that's fucking great to hear. Yeah, dude.

Where could they find you guys? I do appreciate that a ton. Where can they find you guys online? Instagram. Yeah, Instagram for me too. Yeah. Basically, Dean David 95. Yep.

And I run a comedy show every Tuesday night in Brooklyn called Aggressively Chill Comedy at Gold Sounds Bar, which is going to be tonight. Oh, my God. Oh, shoot. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Oh, boy. Yeah, we'll wrap. You didn't go on time? Yeah.

No, I'm cool. It's almost seven. Yeah, dude. I got to get to the show. Yeah. It's a very fun show. And I get there early to set up. So, yeah, it's very fun.

Hell yeah. Yeah. And I'm David Baker seven on Instagram, 2Ks. So follow me there. And, yeah. Surprised not 3Ks. Thank you. Yeah, David's race is a humble poet.

I'm none of those things. But yeah, dude, thanks for having us, man. Thanks for coming.