Morning Good - The Fogle Special - Episode 176

Episode Date: July 2, 2023

Jake Velazquez and Luis Lopez return to the show for today's episode. They talk about offending Ukrainians, the new Flash movie, and a night at the Nashville Greyhound bus station.Jake is on Instagram @jakevcomedy and co-hosts the Do Less Podcast with former guest Mike Bramante. Luis is on Instagram as well @luislopezcomedy, and you can find more info on dates and booking at luislopezcomedy.com.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this a big podcast? Morning. I love that. Yeah, by way, shout out to Tim's Brace.

Welcome to morning. Let's do. We got Jake Velazquez. How's it going? And we got Luis Lopez. I'm so upset that I'm here already. Yeah. You guys, dude, I had a weird night last night.

So I have this pedophile joke, right? I don't normally like talking comedy, but this is just such a weird scenario. Did your hair got so big since last time I saw you? Sorry, I didn't see the corner. I got corneros. I did the whole thing. I did see the corner.

It's so like poofy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why you got to get the corners. Sure. Yeah, you have to get the corners. There's no other option. What did they just turn to do a fro? Hell yeah.

That would be sick. What's up? Dude, that would be next level. It's just lost in his curls. At that point, I would get complaints. I was waiting for some complaints about the world I was waiting for one But I think they're probably behind

Did you not get any? In Florida? Wow Yeah yeah well in Florida nobody cared Besides the one guy at a publics This old white guy saw him It was like like he was terrified Sure

But dude last night So I have like some pedophile jokes I was doing And this guy after the show He pulled me aside He goes really enjoyed the set man He goes And by the way good luck With all that stuff with your uncle

He goes I know He's like I know it's like I know it's probably not easy, so I really respect you being up there and being vulnerable. I was like, no, no, I wasn't, I wasn't molested. They're just like general pedophile jokes. Sure. And he goes, look, you don't have to justify anything.

You have a good night. Sir, and just, like, walked away. Sure. That guy's just trying to help you. Yeah, but a place was this. This is the pair. Downtown. Yeah, yeah.

But it was the most sincere thing. He's like, look, I'm so sorry with yourself with your uncle, but he's like, I really do respect the courage it takes to be vulnerable. I was like, I wasn't molested. My uncle's like a great guy. That's the guy that was molested. And he's bottom. Which is more awkward about it, though.

Because now he's, like, trying to share a moment with me. And I'm just like, yeah, no, I don't know what your thing is, pal. I'm not a freak, dude. I wasn't molested. I just think about it all the time. I got seven minutes on it because it's constantly on my mind. Well, that's the thing, too, is he like, it felt like that moment in, uh, it was like a will hunting where he's like, it's not your fault.

It's not your fault. Yeah, it was Robin Williams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's, but, you know, I think he may have, I don't know, he was on Coke. He was, I think, so maybe, I don't know, Maybe he just had some sincerity to him.

But he was like dead serious. He was just like, I respect it. That is a weird moment. What time was the show? Late show? Yeah, it was a midnight show. So, yeah, yeah, that's what you expected. Yeah.

Anyone ever sincerely talk to you after a joke or a show? Okay, you talk it close to the microphone as you can. I got an email. An email? Yeah. Well, about what? I had a Biden joke. A Biden joke.

Yeah, they said that it was like they didn't, it was distasteful. It was kind of like about Ukraine or whatever. But I was like, I literally had a joke about, the Holocaust Epstein. Dude, that's always how it goes. And she was like my husband's like from Ukraine. I'm like, so this just pertains to you. So you're getting offended.

But like, yeah. I was also like, also making fun of a president is probably the last thing I'm going to stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a crazy thing to do. It's never a bad move. You couldn't punch up more. Right.

Than the leader of the free world. But I think the club. You replied? I replied. That's great. You said it's a disgusting place. Your husband's probably ugly. I said, I'm sorry if you were offended,

but Ukraine is weak. Really? And they will fall. Do you see that? You mean the country previously known as Ukraine? Yeah, true. Matter of time.

Do you see that thing that's the Pentagon? That was the most dumb witty joke I tried to you. I'm like, hey, what about a little Seth Myers kind of comedy? That's what I do. I reply six months later,

what Ukraine. You see the article that came out about the Pentagon that said that they did like an accounting error and they gave the Ukraine three billion more dollars than they originally thought. I'm like, how did it? That's my joke! Is it? That's literally what my joke

is, dude. My joke is, and that's why this fucking bitch tells me that I can't tell this joke. My joke is that my grandfather, I go out to get him sweets a lot. He gives me money. When I come back, he tries to give me money again. Sure. And he, you know, he just forgets that he gave me money. I'm like, you think that's what Joe Biden's

doing with the Ukraine? So just like an accounting error, it's just dementia. And that seems like it literally is what happened. Probably. Yeah, that is insane. I don't know how you give away $3 billion. I need to add that in

because maybe it'll... People do tighten up sometimes maybe if it's based on fact. Yeah. No, no, no, no, worry. This is true. Yeah, don't worry.

It's horrifying and real. Yeah. That's why I feel like the, maybe the molesting joke, like, it's maybe coming off looking... Maybe the joke could be bombing more because they think I was, like, molested and it's uncomfortable.

Sure. But I clearly... How do you come off less molesty than... To look more confident. He looks molested. It's probably, nobody with Cornrose gets molested. Probably more eye contact with the audience.

Let them know I'm, you know. That's all so weird, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you ever fuck a kid? Just looking straight at somebody's face. But I clearly say the joke, I was not molested. Like, I emphasized. I was like, I was like, I was not molested.

But I've had it three times. Maybe you say it too much. But I wasn't molested. I swear to God, guys. Yeah, yeah, they think of like denial? Let's talk about it. Yeah. Because, by way, this is the third time somebody has thought that I was molested because

the jokes. The joke's becoming like an issue in my. Yeah, that's, that's, that's too much. yeah that is you should just start weeping after it yeah that'd be funny have an Ali Sadieke moment

yeah does he crying have you not seen it he gets a little emotional sometimes have you not seen his bro yes exactly you nailed it but dude his his last one is like an hour and a half

but like 50 minutes in there's like a seven minute period where he's like super serious and he literally cries it's fucking crazy but dude it's really good though it's such a because then he has other shit

that's like pretty funny. Yeah, I don't know. You know what I was watching today? This is sort of a weird segue. I guess. Yes, because Ali Sadieke is black.

So this is my segue. I was watching Deaf comedy jam today. And I watched like five of them. One, that is the highest form of comedy ever done. Sure. That was the best era of comedy.

But it was so funny because it's like a little time capsule. There was like, I watched like five comedians. Every single person had a joke about Rodney King and everybody had a joke about Michael Jackson. Yeah, it was crazy.

And they all do, like, Chris Tucker and Eddie Griffin both did Michael Jackson dance moves across the stage. And I'm like, this is better performing than we'll ever do it. That's so funny, too, to be like, yeah, there's no way somebody's going to do a moonwalk in this performance. Yeah, 100% of people. And that sucks thinking that's your big closer. It's like three people before you all do it.

Yeah, yeah. You got to change your act tonight. But they were all pretty unique. Yeah, yeah. They all incorporated the moonwalk in their own. unique way. It's very interesting. That is impressive.

Yeah. Speaking of Michael Jackson, I was watching the Fogel documentary. Have you guys seen that? No. What's on? The Jared Fogel. Yeah, it's on like HBO Max.

Okay. The funniest part is they keep comparing him to like a celebrity. They're like, when you're at this level of success, you lose your mind. That was like their defense. We're like, he was like the spokes guy from subway.

That's crazy. South Park. Yeah. You watch the South Park? With Jared Fogel? With him? With Jared Fogel? Yeah, but also like, that's like such a.

he says that he lost all the weight because of AIDS but he means like people that help him yeah yeah so he tells the and he keeps saying AIDS and then he gets like run out of town but like there's a speech towards the end where he's like I want to give all the kids AIDS people really start turning on him

and then they find out and it's all good but then it was like literally like four years later yeah he got taken down he gave a bunch of kids a yeah yeah yeah you watch that episode now and it's like kind of funny oh yeah yeah yeah yeah I've always like age or they age perfect yeah

that's what I was I would want to go in and ask for the Fogel. Like, was there a specific sandwich where they were like, this is the Fogel? I don't think they ever had a Fogel. No, I don't think they did. They never had a Fogel.

For some reason, I picture you're meeting meatball sucks. There was never a Fogel classic. No? No, it was just a six-year-old. No, yeah, I don't think they had ever had one. They had, no, yeah. Oh, I thought they did. Well, because, like, it was his thing,

but I guess, yeah, that's weird to name a sandwich after. I don't know, I feel they did that with sandwiches, maybe? Subway's weird because they have every single. sandwich tastes the exact same. Yeah, yeah. Even like a meatball sub tastes disgusting. It tastes like tuna. It tastes like the tuna.

And then that tastes like the veggie sandwich. I haven't been to Subway forever. I mean, I was always a Quiznos guy over Subway, I thought. Yeah. It went down since... I'm not even kidding. I remember it tasting good when I was a kid. I was obsessed with it as a kid, but then I also think...

Obsessed with it. It just... That's so funny to be obsessed with it. You're at home doodling sandwiches. I can't get it out of my mind. That's how... figures of like guy working.

That's how Jared got all these kids. The Chipotle Mayo back in the day. It was good. It's the only place that I ever had Chipotle Baye. Yeah, now it's everywhere. You grew up in New York City. I know, but in Riverdale,

they don't have much. Okay, sure. Dude, I want to do a place for the reason they had Chapoley Mayo, but no buffalo sauce, which is crazy. That's crazy. Yeah.

Anyway, you're obsessed with Subway. No. But do you remember him? I remember him just being like, the flow progressive person. Like, there's a picture of him with George Bush. It's like his celebrity status.

It's like him with George Bush playing like dramatic music. because, like, he probably just took a picture with George Bush. He's not like... Fogel was big. Fogel was big, dude. I'm telling you, he was big... He was big time.

Yeah, it was like 400 pounds. He had, like, big time for a commercial guy. He wasn't like Brad Pitt. No, no, he wasn't like... He wasn't getting invited to big events or like, dude, Jared from Subway. You know what I mean? The thing about...

Imagine getting starstruck by Jared. Yeah. How much a fucking loser do you? Well, the thing about Jared from Subway is that he wasn't obviously like a celebrity, like Brad Pitt. Oh, okay. Yeah, of course he wasn't.

I want that guy. Who's like, dude, the facts just come on. He got to look deeper. He pulled off the remarkable weight loss thing. Yeah, yeah. So I think he did get some like... He was a hero to fatties. Some big fanfare.

Yeah, people were like... He could get invited to the White House, not because he's celebrity, but because he's like this like somewhat celebrity that lost like 300 pounds. It's like, oh, this is amazing. Yeah, that was a huge thing that time period. Like, losing weight was like just like so respected. Yeah, yeah.

Now it's like impressive, but it's like I look at my Instagram feed. I'm like, oh, that person got skinny. Like, it's not like, I'm never like, like, all this person is now like. Sure. Because of keto. Yeah, yeah. For a while, it was sub boy. And then Jared diddled kids and we're like,

it must have been that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I had to do. That's how it works. That's how he lost the way. And then Petit came along, saved kids. Well, I was arguing, Patty was talking about how like, like, I was saying that the sandwiches have gotten worse since he got caught.

Mm-hmm. So there's a theory that, like, that was like sacrificing kids. That's what Patty was saying. His guilt. That's true. Yeah, yeah. But the way they found out was so funny. It's like this woman interviews him.

And the first thing he says, she's like, I met him that day. And he goes, middle schoolers are so hot, huh? Am I right? And you're like, that's the most insane thing to start with. Hell yeah. That guy told you who he was immediately. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what level of confidence is that to just like do that?

That's insane. To like, a complete stranger, you're just like, isn't fucking kids cool? Or maybe that's a small talk. And if you really get to know him, he's like, babies, dude. That's like it only gets better. He's like, let me feel you out. Let's see, let's go with the thing everyone agrees on there. Middle schoolers.

I was talking to Patty about it. You say like, it has to feel so cool to meet another pedophile once if you're like, oh, thank God. I don't have to like lie anymore. But to assume this like woman is just totally into it. And then she did like a deep investigation on him for like three years.

I think me and my girl, we were watching, we were thinking she was fucking this guy. And then later on she was like, yeah, I was. Because like for years she was like friends with him. And then the FBI eventually got involved. She was like trying to record their conversations and stuff. Do you think she was his just line? Ooh, maybe.

And she's just totally free. Yeah, man, what a sad comparison that is to Epstein Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because Epstein has a private island full of fucking teenagers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he just has a parking lot full of children. But, dude, don't underestimate it. He was exotic, man.

He was baller. Yeah, he was baller, dude. He'd go to Thailand, like on like a private jet. I wonder why. Yeah, I mean, obviously for the... What are he was doing there? It's weird. Also, Thailand's sneakily cheap.

Sort of a poor person. Once you get there. Yeah, that's true. Getting there is like $1,000. But once you're there, you could rule the... not bad. I know. And then you spent another thousand there

and you can be the king. King. Yeah. There was some doc or like TV, whatever you call it, segment, whereas like this guy did like

a full body exam in the U.S. and it was like $10,000. And then he did like fly to Thailand week vacation, but you get to do a full body exam at these like new hospitals they built.

And it was like 6,000. So he's like you get to basically you save $4,000 and get a vacation. in Thailand for the exact same thing. I was like, when I get to that age, I think that's going to be my move. Like when I get to like my 40s.

Oh, yeah, and you need to check up. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to just do the Thailand. Yeah, yeah, specifically. Yeah, yeah, specifically. That is crazy. Do they have medical services there now? Yeah. He's like, oh, okay.

I trust you, doc. Their hands are smaller. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, I also don't like, like, Like, are they known for having good medical services there? I think they have like some... Right, I'm immediately sketched out. Maybe it's racism, but I'm like, Thailand, it's out of all the Asians.

Again, there's the white privilege hospital. There's the white hospital. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's the new state of the art, you know, like Americans or tourists come to go to. And then there's probably like some local, like, medicine men in a hut. Yeah. You can go to that. I'm sure that's exactly what it is.

Yeah, yeah. They go, it was only $10. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. The idea of getting besides, like, I know Switzerland has, like, crazy good medic. My dad broke his neck in Switzerland and got it like fixed and he was fine. Yeah, he was on a mountain bike and he like hit the brakes

like the way you're not supposed to. Like went over like landed straight on his head, broke his neck. Jesus. And apparently it was darker than I thought because my parents were like, yeah, everything's going to be fine. And apparently like we left the room and they were like, we don't know if he'll ever be able to walk again. And this whole time I'm like

getting ice cream in Switzerland. I'm like, oh, it's so much fine. Dude, ice cream in Switzerland. Why do you have an accent in Switzerland? How old were you? I was... 23. Yeah. No, I was like... I was like 11.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, no, I was... 13, maybe? Whatever summer going into 7th grade was. Okay. I remember I was jerking off and I just started being able to jizz

on that vacation. Sure. It was actually that day. Yeah. So your father slipped on that bicycle. Just a load in the middle of the trail. It was me just thinking about my inheritance. Yeah.

But, yeah, no, because I guess the Red Cross is like crazy good medical services, so... Yeah, cool. Oh, God. It was funny to see him get cut off. He yelled at somebody one time with the neck brace. It's just so funny to just yell at somebody with it. The neck braces just look hilarious.

You look funny. That'd be a hilarious thing for on stage. How long did they have to recover for? I don't know, because it was one of those things. It was like, I think it was a couple years. But it was like, yeah. I mean, he can like, so he could walk, like, he walked at the airport. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. He had a wheelchair, but like he would step out of it and stuff like that. Interesting. Which is crazy because we were only. That's a wild way to break your neck and still walk. Yeah, and I'm pretty sure it was like one of the last days of the trip too. Oh, that sucks so bad. And earlier that day, he was looking around the mountain and there was a helicopter.

He's like, oh, man, I really, really wish we could take a helicopter ride. And then he had to get airlifted. He just broke his neck as a means. He's like, I really want to see it. Mountain biking's fucking crazy, though, dude. Crazy, dude. So many, I was in Colorado recently just walking down the bike path, like not realizing it was this. Dude, it is.

I was like, how do people just not launch off the mountain? Oh, it's insane. It's like sharp turns. And then they try to like incline it so that it like, you like, you know what I'm saying? It's harder for you to, yeah. But like it's still fucking so steep and like legit like switch back turns. Like I'm like, this seems impossible. Yeah.

I saw a little ass kid doing it. I was like, this kid's a beast. Dude, that is always so crazy those kids that are doing shit like that. I know people that their kids would motorcross. Sure. Just like insane. Dude, it's like a family thing. nuts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Outside of like, that's like, living in the city, people are like, oh, you're from New York, you get, like, you're scared. I'm like, yeah, dude. What are you talking about? Also, like, if I go to another place, like, I was in, like, Nashville and I got shook and someone said that, and I'm like, yeah, guns are illegal where I live. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Someone has a gun, like, I could be like, oh, I go to the cops. People just have guns here. For sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's way scarier. What are you talking about? But it's so funny because it's, like, I'm the opposite. So, like, I am, like, scared, like, walking home at night. like that kind of stuff scares me

but then I was just like my friend could be holding a gun I have no like my friends are so reckless I've seen multiple people do cocaine off of guns and I was like

that would be fun and I was like hell yeah like both times have been like thumbs up let's fucking do it yeah actually both times

all times yeah but also it looks sick so he's playing like classic rock music or even the one guy's like hey guys maybe we shouldn't be doing this no you're gonna be like enjoy yourself let's do coke off this gun

yeah of course how do you not shoot the gun right after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was so amped. Yeah, yeah, I would too. Bust a cap.

You ever shoot a gun? Yeah. Nice. Have you? Yeah. I went shooting with my, like once. I went shooting with my, once again,

you hold this as close as possible. Sorry. Yeah. God damn. As close to your face as possible. Yeah. I went shooting with my, with my fiance's dad,

like the first time I met them, because they're from the south. So that's just like a way to bond with somebody, I guess. Nice. So I was like, I'm like, sure, let's go. and then it was an outdoor range. There's no way you didn't have questions about. Was this before after you proposed?

It was before. It was years ago. Oh, okay. Yeah, so he was my girlfriend at the time. Okay, that seems like where you ask. Like, that seems like the situation where the dad asks, like, so how serious are you about my daughter? Oh, no. It was like.

They didn't ask. They don't care about her. So what they were doing is, I was, so he took me in the outdoor range, but he didn't tell me that. So he was like, you're going to go shoot? And I was like, sure. And then he just started driving me into, like, the woods. Do I just terrified? I was like, oh, shit.

because it's like deep in there, dude. Yeah, yeah. So then we finally got to the range and I saw like other white guys with guns and I was like, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was terrifying.

But I guess I went shooting once. That's cool. Yeah, I've been to like some official ranges in Texas, but the first one I ever went to was in Colorado and it was like the most bunk, like, it was like a bodega version of a shooting range. Like there was no rules. And I was like kind of high.

And that was terrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there was also like the, just, you know, absolute like, who you were playing as a character with your cornrows. Yeah, yeah. There was the real version of that guy who had like the sickest gun ever. But he was on, he just like, it kept like tilting over to the next. Dude, what are we doing you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, but then when you're in like those big gun ranges, like the ones I did in Texas, you feel as safe as you've ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have somebody in a tower, like, pointing it just in case somebody. And the guns that they have are, like, brand new, so easy to use, nothing's going to go wrong. The one in Colorado, I'm like, these could just be fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You took this off a body yesterday. They're like scratch.

It's funny if it was scratch, but it's just those, like, little S's you make in middle school. Like really innocent doodles on them. Dude, I like, my thing is I, like, in high school, I mostly just shoot guns. my family because like they were not my mom but like my dad and my cousins and stuff but but uh the hey it's just like with my grandma

just like fucking she's in a wheelchair just shooting an imperative thing he's like ah that she gets around take that pushy um yeah that moves the thing yeah it's like she's in space with a fire extinguisher but uh

I never really shot guns with my friends like the one I have seen my friend like pull it one time we're going back from a football game and he goes check this and I don't do it he's like the one friend which is always the dumbest thing. And he goes to the roughest part of Orlando. It sticks his AR-15 just out of the window.

It goes, just to fuck with this. He goes, hey, guy. And, like, he immediately, like, turned down a different row, but it was, like, the most terrifying thing. It would be, like, I don't know what the worst neighborhood is in New York. It's probably worse than the one in Orlando, but. Sure. Yeah, that's...

Tanya cupboard. That place? But I just didn't know. I was like, I didn't know it. And then until later, my friend's like, oh, yeah, we used to go shooting all the time. But they just go to random spots. Like, they go to, like, Florida, there's just random areas. there's one area where it was like,

they have areas where it's just like power lines and stuff. Sure. In the woods. Yeah. And it's like technically public land. Okay. Or something like that. So they just go shooting on that.

And, yeah, which is... You guys need stuff to do. Yeah, yeah. But I wonder how people get killed by stray bullets. What do you mean?

You wonder how? You just said they go shooting... Oh, I thought you said... I wonder how that happens, though. No, no, no. I'm very aware of that happens. Yeah, most of them. Yeah.

Well, it's crazy. It's ours. stray bullet, the New York stray bullet. I don't know if you, maybe this is like me getting older and Julia. Don't know if you guys agree with this. New York is a hellscape now in terms of just like walking around. Bikes both

ways, people. Oh, it's insane. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. To just walk around the city now. Dude, I can't look at my phone for like two seconds. Dude, it's like running into somebody. Is it not way worse though than it was like a year ago? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ever before? Yeah, no. The city's bad. We shouldn't live here. But it's, but it's worse than ever.

Yeah. The wrong way bike thing. Yeah. Specifically, you're people. There was like the other... Dude, those guys fly. They're like full tactical gear with like the mitten things. It is insane.

And every time they go by, I cheer him on. Yeah. I believe in you. Well, the other day of bike, I'm trying to jaywalk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like your problem. It's going the wrong way. Sure.

But you're jaywalking. Then fucking bike coming the wrong way, scares a pigeon almost hits me. I flinch into a homeless person to ask more for my. I'm like, ah! Yeah, it's constant. I think this is too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you should have just gone to the crosswalk, huh?

I should have been a law-abiding citizen. Should you should sit by a car. Yeah. Just jump in front of a car next time. Just hit by a bus. Yeah, I'm honestly. Dude, I've only seen that one time. I saw a bike and I was like, I wonder where the person is attached to that.

And then like 20 feet further was a person. And I just saw the car just like flying. I'm kind of bummed, but I didn't get to see the collision. Sure. I mean, it would have been jarring, but it would have been, like, I don't know. There's some. What is it about like seeing a human body just go flying? It's like hilarious.

Scary, scary, though. Hilarious and scary. It's hilarious on the video, but I feel like if I heard that thud in real life, it really fuck with it. I thought about that, actually. Yeah. What are you thinking about it? Just because sometimes I'll see an almost accident.

I'm like, oh, and then you imagine it, and you hear the thud in your head and the imagination you have, and you're like, ooh, that hurts. Yeah. I saw a real innocent, like a real Gucci of a crash the other day. What was it? Some guy was just opening his door and it was a tight street and a bus was coming and it just took the door off. that's a great

so no one got hurt yeah that's a great scenario pissed yeah yeah I was like that sucks it didn't like come all the way off

but it bent out you know what I mean and he was so pissed and I was like 100% the bus's fault which felt great I think it was a guy driving the buses fault

but that's what I mean yeah no no no this bus is crazy it's an old lady he's like I have no I have no idea

dude I saw that this guy backed up and hit an old lady and he tried to get her to like walk he's like no no no no it's like

he's like trying to he's like he's like I think she's fine You can't convince her? No, she's like 90 years old. I sure hit her with your car. She's not fine to walk. She doesn't have bones anymore.

Like, you destroyed it. It's probably just like shards of bone inside of her. And you're like, God. That sucks about being old. You get hurt so easy. I got hit by a car like three years ago and I'm fine. You got hit by a car? Yeah, it wasn't bad.

He was like turning. So it was like going pretty slow. Huh? No, he was like turning onto street. We on your bike? No, it's just walking, which is crazy because like we made eye contact. Then he hit me. That's hilarious to see you and be like,

I was still gonna go over it. It was insane. And I get up and I'm like on the hood because he hit me enough that I like slid up onto the windshield. That's like good, right? Aren't you supposed to like roll into it? I have no. I didn't strategize it.

It's just how my body went. That's what stunned people do. They're like, I heard this is all when you're, if you see a deer, again, I'm a city boy, so I don't know this is a thing. But if you see a deer and you're about to hit it,

you're supposed to floor it. Yeah, I've heard that too. That's what someone told me. Because then you just like bounced it all. off. Otherwise, it rolls onto your windshield and could, like, kill you. Yeah. Oh, I thought you're saying for the deer's purpose. Like, why would it help the deer if you hit it harder? No, no. The deer...

It doesn't help it. We don't care about that. You're trying to 360 the deer. I think it's more like if you have a truck, but yeah, you're supposed to just floor it. Yeah, and just really hit the deer. Which is just so funny to see it. Imagine the guy who gave that advice is that guys, you're going to believe what I've been doing? But I think it's been working. Dude, that would be fun, just killing them that way.

I mean, it would be cruel and disgusting. it would be fun. Sure. You ever go hunting? You ever hunted you? No, I've hunted birds. But it's, I don't know, it's very unsportsman, like, just, like, releasing, like, it was like, like, we, they were catching, like, you catch, uh, what do you call them?

So you'd buy, like, a parakeet and have Beckett, and they take them out and then you shoot them out and then shoot a pair with a Glock. Yeah, a bird in a cage. Bop, bopat, empty a clip. Yeah. It'd be funny. You'd be so sociopathic, teach a parrot to say, no, please mercy. And then just shoot in the face.

Please, don't take my life. yeah that's uh nobody fucks a shark tooth that would be not killed the bird but they didn't all my birds died on April Fool's Day when I was a kid I was like six and she your mom didn't just have like a sick prank bro I swear to God I went outside and they and uh I think it got like too cold or something and they were all just fucking dead so I were on to tell my mom

she doesn't believe me so I'm like sobbing she's like you're really good at acting dude like this is all your birds died this is very convincing And then, yeah, they all dead. Damn. I know. And then my dog died on Valentine's Day. Something about the holidays. Well, Valentine's Day makes sense.

Chocolate. They can't eat chocolate. Sure. Yeah. Does it really kill them, though? Or is it just, like, really bad? Because I think I've heard of enough people having their dog eat chocolate. I think, yeah, I think you have to eat like a pretty exorbitant amount.

Just like Valentine's Day. Yeah, exactly. He gets it. I think there's always, I don't know, there's always somebody who's like my dog's really sick. And I always have to show empathy for them. but I really don't care of somebody's dogs. You know how if you die, you trip on DMT? Because it releases DMT.

It is a theory. It's a theory. But do you think of dogs eat chocolate shrooms? They would bug out. No, they do. They tripped. Have you seen his videos? Yeah.

Have the shrooms plus the dying. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. So they would just be like double tripping. Yeah. But they can't see in color, though. So I wonder how that affects. It's just like a 1920s.

Charlie Chaplin. They just see Charlie Chaplin. They're like, holy shit, I'm a human. Have you seen a video of that dog on shrooms? it's like, it's nuts. The dog's literally like, I was like tripping balls. Because that's what I say on Rob at all the time is like that people are from like apes that

took shrooms. Like what happens if dogs start taking shrooms? They just become dragons. Yeah. They evolve. Yeah, I don't know. Psychedelics are very interesting because it's like some people do seem smarter and then some people just seem like fucking dumb.

Like it's, I met this guy's weekend so I was in Chattanooga doing shows. which was to fucking blast. The second night was bad, though. The second night, we did a road gig in Georgia, and it was like a, what do you call it? Like a ambush show. And there was a woman in a wheelchair

that had her back to me the whole time. I was like, you literally have wheels on your chair and you're not going to spin it around and look at me. And then she left. Sure. Like halfway through my said. But either way.

Did she do a wheelie? Yeah. That's fucking sick. Man, that was still the show. Yeah. But I met this guy. who like, I couldn't tell if I was drunk and high, but this guy, like, made so much sense to me.

You ever talk to somebody? I was like, so first off, he was total hippie. I'm normally like, oh, these, like, normally I'm like, okay, this guy's an idiot. Like, normally, I'm like, I put the brakes up. I'm like, the second this guy speaks about anything spiritual, I'm going to call him. Listen, hippie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know your tricks. But, uh, first of all, he has a shirt that has a moon on it, and it says, my life is easy. And I was like, ooh, it just kind of, like, relaxed me at first. I was like, there's something comfortable about that. And he had long hair and a beard, but he looked like just...

Like lucid? Good. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh. And he started talking about stuff. He's like, yeah, you know, basically like, you know, the ayahuasca vine is like a... It's like a plug that plugs us into the earth. And that stuff was kind of a little...

I was like, I don't know if that's anything. But then he was like saying some shit. He's like, you know, we always think of like people as different than the planet. We're destroying the planet. But we're pieces of the planet. And just saying stuff like that. True. And yeah, right?

He's making some sense of the thing. Yeah. Yeah. But I was like, I don't know if these are intense thoughts or, like, I don't know if these are actually valuable thoughts or if it's just... I'm all in it on psychedelics. Really? Yeah. See, because like, I don't know.

I don't know. I feel like there's never like, I don't know. I guess like Steve Jobs and people like that would be like, like, it really helps me. But nobody could specify how it helps you. I can know how it helped me. Like I did help me get my life on track when I was younger. But I think that like... What are you taking?

A success. Where I was 14. Oh, wow. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. You passed algebra because of mushrooms. That's crazy.

Figured my shit out, dude. He's like, I got off sour batch. Let me go do Coke off a gun with my friends. That'll fix this. That's funny. It's like a 14 year with like a little protein shake. Just like shaking it up, eating like all kinds of weird.

Up at 5 a.m. Yeah. Your parents are like, fuck you, put a bed. Like you don't get it, dad. You don't grind. He's like,

I'm going to work. I have a job. You fucking idiot. That's like why I took him to do that. I was like, I was like, I want to fucking experience. I was kind of bored with reality. And I was like,

I want to do something different. Sure. You're 14. You've seen life. Yeah, everything. Time to turn in. Well, I also lived in like a nice suburb Florida, so everything was so boring. Like, there's no real conflict.

I mean, there are at some levels, but like I was like, my life's pretty easy. So, like, this is interesting. And I was like, yeah, so it gave things like levels. But like, I don't know, I would want to smoke DMT. I would love to smoke DMT. Let's do it. Right now. Behind door number three.

Folks, you're like kind of, aren't you kind of like always high? I smoke good. Don't you have a serious drug problem? Yeah. Isn't this an intervention? I don't, like, Microdose as much as I should. Want?

Want. Should. Whatever the word. It's always... Sorry, I don't know words. You're high. I never know if anybody actually's lost their mind, because there's always like this one guy lost his mind.

But, like, it's never a guy who before it was totally normal. He could, it could be a joke, but you know, Benny Feldman? No, who's it? He's, like a really good comic. Stuttering? Yeah. Tourette's. Trette's, dude.

Yeah. He has Tourette's, but... Because he took mushrooms? He's super fun. But he says from too many psychedelics. It gave him Tourette's. Which I don't know if that's true. That could be a fuck.

It could be a bit. He just wants to say the N word on stage. He just wants to say the N word on stage. He's pretty funny. And he's kind of abstract sometimes. So I was like, saw him at a bar show. And I was like, I don't know if that was a joke or serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he's so out there that I'm like, I could see this guy doing psychedelics though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't know. I think that might, I think that might be a bit because I think I heard him do the same thing, but saying it's because of the vaccine. He's just telling him. It's a different thing.

Or maybe that's Nick, Nick's joke. Donnie Singstack is a joke about that. I think if you have something messed up, you gotta... Talk about it. Yeah, because, well... Is that why you always talk about being Puerto Rican? But you don't blame the vaccine YouTube algorithm. That's true.

It's safe and effective. It's so safe. All these people had stutters before they took it. Yeah. They just didn't know it yet. Yeah. And no one else did. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know, weed. I do just to go to... sleep. I don't think it really enhances my life at all, though. I started smoking the packs. Do you know the packs? Yeah, one of those. The packs of Millian Spinelli. And I started smoking one of those. And those I like in the morning, they don't get me that high. Don't get me the bug out high. So I could go up on stage. So you are high all the time.

All the time. Yeah. But I could go up on stage high where it used to be like if I smoke, I kind of bug out. I don't really want to do stand up. I like hide from the world. It is the most relaxing way to do it. I could do this. I could do stand up, but there's nothing I can't do on that thing. I almost took an edible as we except. Except stander. By the way, be in the room. I was in Nashville for the day. I was going to take an edible because I thought the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was in Nashville. Country music.

Yeah, which I didn't know about. So I almost bought it. Pretty cool. The country, I didn't go to it. Super cool, actually. I want to go see The Flash, and that was not cool. It was horrendous. I've heard everyone say that.

Dude, it was terrible. And I went along. I'm done going seeing movies alone. I think I'm like, oh, it'll be like, you know, it'll be, I really get into it. You just get so depressed. I want to see Astrood City, though, if anyone's death. You got to go with, like, one other. It's just so depressing.

I love doing stuff alone. Eat alone. I'll go to movie alone. Yeah, but movies alone? Oh, really? I'm not a movie alone guy. I'm a eat alone guy, though. I can eat alone.

I love to eat alone. I feel like you get better service. I think they feel bad for you. But like there's nothing to feel bad for. I wanted to do this. Yeah. But I think you get better service. Sure, I invited several people.

Yeah. You're in a straight city. I don't know anyone in. I also want to do this. I also am too sad to go home. Yeah, exactly. This is my only place to be. Let me have some eggs.

Yeah. I have eggs home. Especially you did a nice restaurant, like look like you got stood up. I'm never at a nice restaurant. But that's a great move to, like, just get an incredible meal. He'll be like, no, she's coming. Just have them watch you. Did the Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber.

Does he do that, in that? Well, he's like waiting for like seven hours. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's funny. 8 a.m. I just assumed she was a raging alcoholic. Yeah. I think he actually, she says, he shows up at 10 a.m. Yeah.

And then the guy's like, you sure she didn't mean PM? Yeah, yeah, he's like, yeah. I think she would stood him up anyways. But I've never seen a Jim Carrey movie. What? Yeah. Everyone says the same thing. All right, you've got to see...

Everyone says the mask and dumb and dumber. No, uh, uh, Ace Ventura. Yes, everyone says that one too. Oh, liar, liar. See, he has so many movies. Do yourself in favor. Bruce Almighty.

Truman Show. Truman Show is like a good movie. It's like kind of funny. It's not even that funny. That's what I think is going on, by the way. What? With the UFO shit. I think that's just us seeing like a camera of sorts.

Not like a Truman show. Not an actual camera, but like that's us seeing like the whatever's on the other side of things. Yeah. Right, right. We're getting to the end. Yeah, that should... It'll just...

It'll just be a door at the end of the notion. Yeah, that should... I get so into that with, like, there was that family in Las Vegas. You see that they had the craziest claim. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like, there's an eight-foot alien in our backyard. You see the video of the eight-foot alien?

No, you can't... It's so blurry. It could be it. Yeah, you think so. It's his family. Yeah, it's my family. Jake Timothy's talking about being the mermaid guy, because everybody's like a UFO guy now.

It'd just be like the super hardcore in a mermaid. That's funny. But I'm weird. I like conspiracy theories, but nothing outside of UFO. Like, Bigfoot is so stupid to me. I'm like, it makes no sense because you'd have to have a whole species of Bigfoot. There's not just like one of them just walking around. Yeah.

And the land is pretty finite. Like, we've seen a lot of the land. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe anything in the ocean. Yeah, like a water Bigfoot. Do you ever become, do you ever watch ancient aliens? No. Okay, so like, there's all these people I listen to on podcasts or see YouTube videos of them,

and I'm like buying everything they're saying. I'm like, this guy's genius well credentialed. It's music. And then it's just someone that's, their credit is that they're an ancient aliens guy. I'm like, oh, this is quacks. I think you mean an ancient astronaut theorist. They're just clas. Yeah, they're always just dressed in like, they're dressed like Indiana Jones.

What's that guy that's on Rogan all the time? Michi Okaku. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's like a futurist. I literally fully just the Asian accent. I'm like, this guy's a scientist. Like in my head, I was genius. Just a thought he's a genius.

He's the smartest guy in the world. But then I'm also like, is he just a straight quack? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Because that is one of those things. It's like, it's like, somebody could just have general credentials

and then people are like, oh, this guy's a doctor. It's like nobody looks into anything they are. Isn't Bill Nye like not even like a real fucking scientist? Well, neither is Neil deGrasse. I thought, Neil DeGrasse is a physicist.

He's just not like a great one. Yeah. Like real physicists are kind of like he's kind of retarded. Yeah. Really? Yeah. Well, he's doesn't. Dude, I'd be talking shit too.

If he's like the best, if he's famous one, he'd be like, fuck that guy. He's bullshit. Yeah, end level of like everything that they're actually studying, but he's great at explaining stuff.

So everybody just knows how to absorb information. That's how you're going to be famous though. Huh? Yeah, exactly. What do you, do you want just the, you know, the paths on the back,

which a lot of us do? Or do you want to be like the guy that discovered the thing. No one knows who you are, but like because of you, we could, uh, time travel. Sure.

Some people want that. Yeah. And that's not nailed the grass. Yeah. I think most science, yeah, I think most sides is you don't really like know their name. Like the one.

Yeah. Especially nowadays. Yeah. That's a Norm MacDonald bit about, like, back in the day you knew the people that went to the moon. But now we just know, like, the girl with the big ass, but, like, couldn't tell you one astronaut. Do you know an astronaut over our lifetime? Two. Nehormstrong.

No, no. For our lifetime. Like, went to space during our lifetime. There's a Michael good. Is there a Michael good? Yeah, yeah. Wow, that's crazy. If only there was Luis Lopez or just, Alaska, as we would know on.

We just have no idea. Dude, I should start sending my job resume as that, like, an astronaut. There's no way they look me up. They're like, why does he want to be an office assistant? I retired. I went to space when I was 12. Dude, I have wanted to. Do you think you could lie enough on a resume?

Like, say you went to Harvard and somehow, like, falsify that? Yeah. I think it would depend on the quality of the job. But, like, I, that sounds fun. Well, you could just lie on your whole thing. What's up? You could just lie on your whole thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then kind of, it has to be a job that's not that. You can't do that with, like, a computer science degree. But if you want to be, like, a fucking, like, like a SVP for like marketing or something. I bet you could figure it out. Yeah. Well, to be fair,

they also do background checks that are kind of aggressive and they can like find out if you went to school somewhere. Sure, just update your LinkedIn. You think that's all they do? So many people lie, dude.

So many people lie to get away with it. I think it's very possible. But I would love to just lie and just be in a position where they're just giving me so much responsibility on the first day. I'm like,

I didn't fucking, dude. That's how I felt working in the mail room at fucking Blackstone. It's like a big financial company. I was like, I can just... A mail room? You don't think you could figure out mail? Well, I was like, I could just throw this shit away.

Like, oh, you could really fuck up like Yeah, this is for the CEO. I'm like, I could just fucking wipe my ass with this. Just throw this place. And I, there's that, I don't know, I'm the kind of guy. Like, I like destroying things. Sure. Yeah, that's good.

I like being destructive. Yeah, I'm glad I'm here in your house. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. You got to be careful, though, because I feel like those are the people that sometimes... Oh, dude, I would be sued out of the existence. You just become the fall guy. Yeah.

Or the company's doing something super illegal and they're like, actually was the guy in the mailroom. He forgot to give us... That's why we... People think that about these children. They think it's just a dumb ass in like a Harvard shirt and they're like... Yeah. Speak, yes.

Billionaire. The submarine. I knew you wanted to talk about. I love the way you seguated. It barely. You're like, speaking of... Billionaires. Submarine.

But the submarine... Not even sentences. They were all billionaires. Yes. One of them was a kid. That sucks. Do you think he got eaten first? Because he's the closest to their usual diet?

I don't think... yeah okay that is weird billioners taking a kid into a submarine like that is that is very just in case things go sell dude i bet you Alex or just for fun like that's just like their private jet that's like they're kind of like one of the guy's son oh did you see how small the thing was dude it's like the size of this couch it's like making a circle really dude they're they're all crunched like this if you're a billionaire why wouldn't you get like a luxury submarine that is the worst I just like that is the worst I just like you're just like a luxury submarine that is the worst I just I just like you're just I just I just I just I didn't even know that bad of a way to die existed. Suffocating in the Titanic. Just being in a space that small with that many people and then just getting... In the ocean, dude. By pressure once in a... Oh, yeah.

I've heard that everyone says that everyone was worried about the oxygen, but like, I guess scientists, they're like, no, they died days ago. Yeah. Like, you guys don't have to worry about that. They, like, were imploded. Yeah, people are, like, calculating their oxygen. But they were also saying they're like, oh, actually, if they, uh, if one person dies, then they have more oxygen.

So, like, they're like, it's possible that one person died early, and now they have a little more. It's like, wow. Do billionaires, you don't think they're going to fucking stab somebody to like... How, dude, you're in a fucking little thing? That thing is so small. That's what I'm saying. Dude, the movie is going to be so bad.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's just, yeah, there's so many directions to go. You think they killed the owner, the founder? Because he's in that. Oh, yeah, they're probably the first guy that killed. Yeah, there's less oxygen in here. But I don't know because he knows how to operate it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, so they're probably like, oh, I don't. No, no, he's probably the only one that gets out of it. I mean, that's how they got stuck. With what? They killed him first, and they're like, ah. Oh, yeah, yeah. They killed him way too fast.

Yeah, yeah. 15 minutes in there, like, you know what? Fuck this guy. My legs crampic. It's like, oh, the controller, the batteries died. What? Yeah. It's just murder.

It's crazy. You immediately say your value. Like, I guarantee the second things are going bad. He's like, just a heads up. I'm the only one that can get you guys out. They're just emphasizing that again. Dude, but yeah, it's fucked up. It's literally, I'm not even kidding.

it's probably from there to where we're sitting and you can't even stand up five. For a few days. Why didn't you go to the bottom of the ocean like that? Weird. See the Titanic. See what that's all about.

Yeah, but apparently it's just you can't go out of the thing, obviously. Yeah, you're just looking through a thing. It just projects onto a screen. What? Like there's a screen in there on the thing. There's like a little glass thing.

It's a fucking iron tube. Yeah, why would you do that? Why wouldn't you do one that has like a sick? It's like a sick, like, fucking... The craziest thing I've ever hurt. Yeah, like, I feel like you'd have to... I want to do, like, a sweet summary or those sweet things where it's like a bubble.

You know what I'm talking about? The little jet ski ones. But probably doesn't go down that far, because I guess I forgot it's really far down there, right? That's real far. Oh, dude. It's like, I think 13,000 feet. Yeah, it's one of those little, like, infographic things.

Oh, is it a Father's Day thing? Oh, it was. It was around there. Because the guy was with his son. It seems like it was a father's day thing. Yeah. Yeah. I saw one of these little, like infographic things about how deep it actually is.

And like from the top to the bottom, it's like where the Titanic is. And in the middle, it's like the pressure here is so high that if you punched a hole into a scuba tank, water would rush in instead of air rushing out. Wait, wait, instead of... Wait, you're underwater. Obviously water would come in before air rushes out.

I don't... Or the other thing around. No, wait. Yeah, no, because when you poke something in there, air comes out of a fucking... scuba container because it's so high pressureized that that's how you fucking breathe. Oh, so you're saying, okay, you're saying if you stab

a stoop a container? Yeah. Oh, okay, are they saying if you stab the wall of the submarine? No, no, no. Because I was like, how, you're like, water comes in. No, the actual scuba air container thing. Oh, yeah, that is crazy. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how, uh, and that's halfway down. Yeah, yeah. I imagine all the

shit that lives down there. Oh, think about how thin the air is when you go to like Colorado, like Denver. Yeah, yeah. Twice that. low sea level. Yeah. So I can't even imagine.

Yeah, they're dead. Yeah, well, absolutely. Oh, well, now they're dead in multiple ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They imploded and ran out of oxygen. Yeah, well, do you think they ever find that? Yeah, they found, there's like, the reason they know they're dead is there's debris. It's just a fucking exploded.

Oh, really? I think so. Oh, okay. Ugh. And they're getting eaten by a little fucking, God knows what, glows in the dark down there. Yeah, those little things like flying you know. Yeah, the internet's fucked up. Like, I was like,

making jokes about it in a text group and I'm like, this is kind of fucked up. And then everybody's on board. Dude, the second is billionaire. It is so funny because like the second is billionaire, everybody's like, let him fucking die. People are like ruthless.

The memes were insane. Yeah, yeah. They would just be like, it was like live look at the fish outside the submarine. It's like mad fish just like. Yeah. But it's just so funny to die in a submarine. It's hilarious.

It's crazy. Well, also to go after. to the titan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then to just die, someone put it, it was like, it's rich people died in a vessel

that like, whatever, going after, uh, looking at a vessel where rich people, it was just like the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like a endless cycle of that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That place is cursed. That ship is cursed. Yeah, that is very cursed. That is kind of, but also, I don't know how many expeditions have been down there. Maybe it's like, maybe there's been no fuck ton down there

and this is like the 400th. Oh, dude. I think it's pretty hard to get down there. Really? I think so. Yeah. It's real far down. Yeah. No, that makes sense, but it's like one of those things.

The fact that they have to go in some bullshit-ass, like, tube like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How is there not a better version of that thing? Yeah, I don't get that either. I think it's that hard. Maybe it's like the iPhone that they upgrade. They're like, this is the thinnest submarine. It's like the best one.

You saw it was controlled with like a PlayStation. Yeah, yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah. That's like very, like trendy hipstery though. They're like, yeah, there's like exposed brick inside. It's like exposed wire. You're like, I don't know if I feel saving this. Yeah, it's crazy.

yeah it's fucking nuts I um yeah I don't know I don't have any more thoughts on that yeah well circle back I will say this dude I um

I was have you been to that greyhound you don't seem like a greyhound guy you seem like you have your life together I've done in the past the Greyhound bus station Nashville might be the scariest place I've been in a while

Nashville no I wasn't there never right I show up and there's an armed guard with a bulletproof vest on I'm like feel safer? No.

I'm like, that's pretty crazy for a Greyhound. Like, does he work by for Greyhound? And then I get in and there's a podium with a woman sleeping behind it. And I was like, hey, do you know when the next bus is going? And then she was like, I don't work here. She was like sitting behind the podium. And then this white guy comes up to me, goes, you watch your back?

Or I watch your back, you watch mine. I was like, what is this fucking prison? I was like, this is a Greyhouse station. Yeah, he's like, are you here to protect the Greyhambassengers? No, we're here to protect Nashville from the... Yeah. that's why they got

I need someone here that took a $7 bus get out of my town huh? I didn't get to see I would have to see the flash man because I got it at 9 a.m. And so I was like,

all right, well, I could go see the flash or I almost bought tickets to rock and roll hall fame in fucking Ohio. That's where it is, right?

Ohio. No clue. It's in Cleveland. That's Ohio, I think. Cleveland is Ohio. But I don't know. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. But I almost bought tickets the wrong thing. And I was like, okay, I don't want to go to Rock and a Law Fana. I want to go to the Flash movie. And so I just went alone.

And, man, I can't emphasize how fucking... It was funny, too, because one of those movies, two people, like, stood behind. Because Ezra Miller is out there just doing crazy shit. Everybody's like, well, the movie, though, is a different thing. Yeah. The movie is worse than his crimes. It's fucking terrible.

Yeah, what's it... I feel like I was assaulted. What's up? Why is that guy's celebrity? I think they're a terrible actor. That's what I'm saying. It does feel... It does feel like being a dog shit

person who's like a sex criminal is like networking. Because like there's no reason for that guy to be in a move other than he's a good... Well, it was like, okay, this movie's taking like years to make. So like over like the three year process Ezra started going off the rails and started like... Maybe he was off the rails before

which is how he got the role. That's what I'm saying. That's true. That's my conspiracy. Yeah. Because what's the other rap? But I don't think it's like sex... It was one of those weird things were like...

It was like torturing kids. Really? He had like a sex slave or something. Are you getting this from Info Wars? No, I'm not. You're getting it from nowhere. Just your imagination. I was pretty proud.

I know. Apparently, Ezra Miller threw a chair at it like a woman or something like that. Well, that's funny. It's all these, well, that's just good old-fashioned fun. They're trying to get me back on his side. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The only good part of the movie was what they had was years ago, this guy named, you know, John Peters is? He's his Hollywood director in the 80s.

He, like, used to be, like, a hairstylist and, like, talks about eating pussy. and it's like very like, very like, oh, I've lived a crazy life. You know, I was this. I was doing Coke with Jack Nicholson, all these like stories. And he tried to do a Nicholas Cage Superman movie where these are the two requirements. He said the suit cannot be too faggy. Those are his words, not mine. And he has to fight a giant mechanical spider in like the act three of the movie.

And he's like, there's the only two things that can make this movie happen. And I guess it didn't happen. But now they animated that into like the multiverse. Like for two seconds, you like an animated Nicholas Cage fighting a mechanical spider. Oh, that's great. And I was like, all right, that was... Is his suit? Not bad.

Is it a pretty cool suit? You're like, you'll do one of those two things. Good news. We'll have the mechanical spice. Yeah. Well, no, that was for like a movie that came out and like, like, real queer. That was for a movie that was going to happen in like the 90s. Right.

But then this, they like... Yeah, yeah. In 20203, they were not saying that. But, um... True artist would. Yeah. And then I'm going to ruin it because movie sucks. George Clooney comes back at the very end as Batman.

Oh, no. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. They're getting too crazy. What's up? They're getting a little too crazy with all the movies. Oh, dude, Christopher Reeves was in it. Adam West was in it.

Was he walking? No, yeah. I mean, yeah, he was standing. Was it? Because, yeah, yeah, yeah, they just have all these animated things. Like, this is the multiverse. They're showing, like, cartoon Batman and all this stuff. Do you think they're done with famous people?

Like, they'll just use their likeness for eternity. Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis is in, gave his face away. He's like, use it for whatever. That's what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, just use Bruce Willis now. Yeah, but I don't think it's like,

do you know, a full movie with Bruce Willis? Like, it's like an Eddie Murphy comedy. Like babies are Bruce Willis's face. That'd be good. I would support that. He also has severe dementia. Yeah, yeah. That's probably why you was kind of got off the rails.

He probably didn't know he sold his face. Take it. Take it, who cares? That's what I mean. Do you think you recognize your own face when you have like severe Alzheimer's, you look at the mirror or do you think it's who is the person? Yeah, 100%. What?

I don't know. It depends on what you've aged, I guess. I mean, if you, like, age, then you like... Yeah, because you forget what you look like, and then randomly you're looking at, like, an old face, which has been the most terrifying experience. That's literally like... What's that story?

Riff Van Winkle? It's like, you literally look in the mirror and you're like... Like, there are millions of people who are looking in the mirror and having, like, a full experience where, like, where's my life gone? It would be cool to just not...

Sure. It would be cool to take a year off seeing yourself. You look like shit. But no, like... There's a lot of people to do that. Yeah, if you just didn't... Do you know how insane? And you are like, you know, I'm avoiding reflections right now.

That's like the most psychotic thing to do. It's like, oh, check out the pond. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard that's a thing that a way that guys can get like really fat without noticing because they'll like never like see their bodies. I don't look. Our mirror goes up to here.

Really? Yeah, it's, uh. But you're not fat. Thank you. You're the first person to say that in a very long time. But like a morbidly obese guy is like, dude, I didn't, I didn't see my body for like three years. And then I saw it and I cried. Yeah.

Yeah, because you're disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should be ashamed. Yeah. If you're that morbidly obese, how do you not notice? I know. How do you not notice that you can't wipe your own ass? I don't get how you get to the point where you like waddle and you're like, this is still

fine. Yeah. You know how like that guy's like like go side to side? They see the world on a pendulum. Yeah. Everything's just shaky Blair Witch Project camera. It's your life. It's safe.

Yeah, I think, yeah, I mean, it's probably just some severe. And that was Jared's defense. He was like, I went from being addicted to food, and then I had to transfer it to kids. And that was the funny, the trial, they said it was mild pedophilia, which is just the funniest sentence to say. That's the worst kind of pedophilia. If you're going to do it, go hard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, mild. Mild doesn't mean aged less, does it? No, but that's a joke. Yeah, yeah. That's the ha-ha. I tried to go with things about he-hees and L-O-Ls. but yeah that was a that was a fun dog i don't know the the craziest was the guy who like uh was partnering

with him the way they found him was because like there's hours of him talking on a phone he's like i like fucking kids i go to thailand i fuck little boys all the time he's just saying all this stuff and they're like technically we don't have enough evidence he's just saying it we don't have like evidence that he was actually doing it and then they get a kid and they're like all right you're gonna save so many kids that's how they were gonna catch him that's insane the crazy part is this woman had kids and he's like oh i want to bang your kids Chris Hanson? Yeah, yeah.

And he was like, I mean, he was like king kid fucker. So like they had to like set up a whole party. He's like, they had to make it like next level. They're like, we're inviting all the celebrity kids in, all this stuff. I'm king, king, king, kid, far up. That's so funny. So it was the, like a big star in that world. The kid world?

The kid world. Yeah, yeah. But what happened was he like, he like had to bail because like the time. You go to Epstein's Island. There's a subway. it's a partner program it's a whole thing but the way they didn't catch him like he bailed or something was like I can't make it I got to film a subway commercial

and then the way they had him was this other guy who he worked with just sent him a picture of him banging a 15 year old girl and he goes hell yeah when's my turn question mark and they're like this is physical evidence wow that's crazy him like browing down and like a text message being like sick dude you're all so bad about but then the guy who was like his partner in crime was crazy, though. This guy, like, uh, this guy set up cameras all in his house and watches

like stepdaughters do stuff. And then his wife was fucking a horse on camera, which I didn't know was illegal to watch people fuck horses on camera. I thought that illegal? Apparently it is. Which I, guilty is charged watching a video of somebody getting fucked by horse. Is it any more illegal if you're jerking off to it? Is that more illegal? It can't be more illegal. Because everybody's seen the Mr. Hans. Use your imagination. Everybody, that's why you used your imagination. Everybody's seen like the Mr. Hands video. Yeah. like, are you now a criminal? Have you seen that? You haven't seen it? No, let's watch.

What are you jerking? I mean, now that I know it's illegal as if two days ago, I'm like, it's on this TV. You're telling me my middle school years were a crime. You're going to go on Taunama. Yeah. I watch a video of a person fucking a horse. What, what, what are you guys going to do to me? We're going to make you fuck a horse.

Dude, the, uh, yeah, my buddy sent me a video one time of a dog going up and licking a woman's pussy. Sounds disgusting. but who let the dogs out was playing. So it was kind of funny. Like half the group chat's like, fuck you, man, this is terrible. Everybody's like, all right, that's funny.

It's like, who let the dogs out? That's fun. Have you done that puzzle? Have you done that with a dog? There was a guy by high school that had that rumor and it never left them. Everybody, he fucked dogs. Did a dog link people off his balls?

And everybody was like, yeah, that's how it is. Oh, yeah, this one, there's like this. He was funny. He was funny. He could take a good joke, but there's like this pretty flimboin gay guy I worked with and he's like, My dog's so skinny.

I'm like, stop using the diet peanut butter. But I loved that in high school. You could just start, like, I went to in all boys high schools. Dude, people would believe.

So people would just make up rumors. And everybody was gay. There was always rumors that some dude fuck somebody else. Yeah. There was a big rumor. One of my friends said, just randomly picked a kid

and was like, he breastfed until he was 14. And then one of my other friends is in class with him and just starts going. Yeah. That's the funniest. Like, that's the funniest thing ever. Yeah, yeah, that is hilarious.

It's just completely made up, you know? Oh, yeah, too. But those are fun. That's what bothers. I think that stuff bothers people more than true rumors sometimes. If you know, fake one that sticks. For sure, yeah. That was like, yeah, there was like one guy, one of my friends, he got in trouble for, like,

somebody rated him out for weed. Like, they all had to sleep over and they found weed. And he's like, oh, I'm going to tell the whole school YouTube butt fucked. And for years, everybody would be like, hey, who am I? I'm like, so and so and so and so. They're like, ha, classic. That's crazy. Because they totally had gay sex.

Which is crazy because it's like, there's no way they butt fucked in like a hot tub. It's like, do you know how hard that is to like with no loop? I like that I like that. Do you know how challenging that is? I do. The fucking dude in his ass. Yeah.

When there's hot water around you. No loop? Is it literally impossible? Yeah. This is this guy. Jesus. But the pregg. Those pregs were amazing though because my,

uh... That's the most Jewish thing you said. Yeah. He walked on water and he, But fucking hot. Stuff that nobody could do. But when my friend we did, he went to the doctor and like, he had like a prostate exam when he was like at seventh grade and we're like, that's crazy.

We're like, why were they doing that? And he's like, I don't know this old Asian woman like put a like finger in his ass. And we would put surgical gloves on his table all day and be like, ha, you got a finger in their ass. That's fun. It was just a classic fun. We used to have to wear suits. So a lot of people have this figured out this move where you would draw a dick and chalk on your hand. And then you put your hand on.

Oh. I thought it's a show. And I remember once I did it to someone and my hands there and this guy goes, Jake, what are you doing? And it was like one of the teachers, so I just left my hand. Oh, on there the whole time?

Still there. Nothing I'm just saying. And then I took my hand off. It was just a dick. And they're like, go to it. God damn it. That is a good break.

Yeah, it's really fun. That is fun. I do. We do have to wrap it up right now, though. What do you guys want? The pair of Midtown. That doesn't matter. Keep the pod going. What do you want to plug, Jake?

too less podcast well are you hesitant oh because it is too less you have to kind of like reluctantly plug it well I was thinking if I had anything else yeah yeah Instagrams Jake v. Comedy Mine's uh

Luis Lopez Lopez comedy and I'm in Austin Texas next Thursday Oh nice Please come out doing this will be out Tuesday So yeah Yeah so it'll be Perfect It'll be nice

Please buy tickets All right perfect thank you Thanks for coming Thanks for listening Thanks for coming Thanks for coming