Morning Good - The Friendliest Podcast - Episode 315

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

Joe Gorman returns to the show for today's episode. He and Michael discuss theology, jelking, and k-holing in public. Thanks to Joe for coming back on the show. Check him out on previous episodes and follow him for even more. Joe is on Instagram @joewgorman and hosts the Super Selli Joe's podcast.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? What's this? What's this? Morning, good, good.

Oh, I love it. Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, you know, I'm starting to. Welcome to morning. Sing! You can't sing and be yourself on the morning good podcast. This is now going to be a, you know how like Flop House is the friendliest comedy club?

Oh, yeah. This is going to be the friend. The friendliest podcast. The friendliest podcast, you say. Yes, I actually have a list of things I love about you. Okay. Well, let's start it off. Okay.

You've got a beautiful spirit. I thought you were going to pull out like an actual notepad. And I was like, oh, it's not a bit. No, that'd be unprofessional. I memorized the things that I love about people. That's Comedy 101. Yeah. I like your, uh, you're just a great source of fun.

Why, thank you, Michael. That's so kind. Yeah. Now I don't like this format. Yeah. I was like, ah, man, it's really not fun.

Take off the honesty glasses, dude. Yeah. It doesn't behoove you. No, it doesn't. Yeah, I'm excited.

We'll cut that out. We'll cut that. We'll cut out all the nice things. Go. Go. There we go. Yeah. We're here with Joe Gorman.

And, yeah, dude, this is like a good Saturday. I feel like I went to. Well, it's a Sunday. So it's actually a bad Saturday.

Sunday's so bad at being Saturday. It's not even, it's impossible. Like, that's where Sunday Scary's comes from. Because it's, it's, it's impossible to enjoy Sundays.

Yeah, because you're like tomorrow. Tomorrow, I got to go do this shit I fucking hate. Either school or work. Yeah, I got to go to my boss's house, suck his penis, and just hope that he gives me any amount of money. Now, did you go to church when you were a child? Yes, and I... One thing, I always got church boners.

That was a big thing? Ooh, the most forbidden boner of them all. Yeah, maybe that's what it was. And you had to go to the priest and say, like, father, father, exercise this demon. Yeah, well, like a lot of... people don't do this, but our church had a hole in there. Oh.

So Father O'Malley. Wait, a hole in the wall where the boys could see it all? Yeah, yes. Yeah, and Father O'Malley would just spread his butt cheeks and say, kiss this. Yeah. Be such a good boy. Kiss his little potatoes between my legs. Oh, so you went to like a fucking Irish Catholic church. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you Catholic?

Yes. Hmm. I mean, I like, we were a mixed. On paper, you're Catholic? Yeah, I mean, on paper, I'm a spiritual book. person. Spiritual bowl. Nice. Spiritual. Yes. Enlightened. Enlightened. Yeah. I'm a spiritual agnostic. Like... Yeah, I'm like, who knows

it out there, but I do know who I am. There's an energy though. I feel an energy. Like when I'm talking to you, I feel an energy. So I know there's something out there. Yeah. Now, do I think it's an old man sitting on a cloud telling us what we can and can't do? Absolutely not, but there's something out there. Yeah. That's my impression of a fucking loser, dude. Take aside, dude. There is one God. He's an old man sitting on the cloud, wagging his finger at us if we have an impure thought, dude. Yeah, that's how it goes.

That's for real, dude. I hate this idea of a fucking peace-loving God. Give me Old Testament God. No, he's angry. Yeah, he's like, I want you to sacrifice your son. And it's like, all right, God, I'll do it. And then God's like, ah, got you. I just wanted to see if you do it.

Damn, you were going to do it? Yeah. I was fucking around, dude. You're a fucking ride or die for this religion, man. Yeah, it's a good test. I'm Piscopalian, which is like the Diet Coke of Christianity. I know nothing about Biscopalian.

So it's like, you know what? I don't really even know, but it basically means like we believe in God, but we don't have to go to church, but we get to celebrate Christmas and Easter. The only time we went to church with any kind of consistency was when my parents were getting divorced. Oh, yeah, you got a show face. And my dad was like, there's no way she can divorce me if I believe in God. Oh, yeah.

That's a good move. And we'd have to walk to church and I'm like, this fucking sucks. And like the only cool thing about our church was like one of the houses. There were like giant Rottweilers in the front yard. There was like a chain link fence, but like the Rottweilers were going fucking nuts every time. So all the churchgoers left to like walk by this house with these Rottweilers out front. That's probably a test. Yeah.

A test of faith. Yeah. Yeah. But my mom was like, oh my God, these fucking dogs. Yeah. Yeah. It's, I don't know. It's one of those things where I, so I was like raised Catholic.

like we go to church sometimes. And then my dad was like kind of Christian sciencey, but not fully. Yeah, that was a wild one. Uh-oh. He was more like, I'm not anti-medicine, but I just believe in the power of positive thinking. I truly do not believe in God anymore.

No, when did that start? Just now. After realized, like, there's no kind of God where somebody as perfect as you would have a Christian scientist father. So I'm like, there's no God, dude. What kind of sick trick is that, dude? If there is a God, he's

sleep at the wheel. Damn, that's funny, dude. Yeah, I don't think my mom, I don't, he's not, he was not a devout Christian scientist. He was just like, oh, this is fun because it's like very, you know, power of positive thinking. But then I would go there and I'm like, the people of this church are lunatics. And I went to camp and those people were also lunatics.

Oh, God. I remember I went to a Sunday school once and we're making a cut out of Jesus. And I was just like, this is fucking lame. And like these kids, like, believed in it. And the problem with me, was like, I don't think I ever really believed in God because whenever, you know, we talked to church, they'd be like, well, God will speak to you.

Did they ever tell you that kind of shit? Like, God will speak to you. You'll feel it in your heart. So sometimes I would pray and I wouldn't feel anything. And I'm like, well, fuck. Yeah. Fuck, if there is a God, then he doesn't, he must not like me or something.

Yeah, it's very funny for him to choose favorites. Like, he just made a couple people and he's like, and it's also like, I was reading like Greek mythology. Yeah, I was reading Greek mythology. And I'm like, well, how come Greeks get, like multiple cool gods and like they get like cyclopses and fucking Pegasus and all these mythical creatures and all we get is like one giant Goliath. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I agree completely. Apparently the Nephlim are fun, but like we don't. But they don't even really like talk about like if there is cool stuff like how like they actually describe angels where it's like just a bunch of fucking eyes and circles and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's cool, but they don't dig into that.

Apparently there is like a mythology to Christianity. Yeah, why didn't they draw a single picture in the Bible? Yeah, dude. It's so easy if you're like, this is what, how hard would it have been to be like, this is, why are, this is a picture of Jesus Christ? How cool it would be of like, I mean, like, they say like Jesus when he, after he was crucified, he went to hell. Like, during those three days. Right. Some people think he fought demons down there.

Yeah, he was like fighting demons and shit. And like that was like also to get our salvation. Yeah. How come we don't dig into that more? They should have a movie about that. Why is it always about like, Jesus? The closest we have is like the passion of the Christ where he's like he got all fucked up. Jesus?

Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. He was one. No, he wasn't. He was Jewish. Nah. No.

Not my king. No. That was it. They always say that, but that's only when you say something like wildly anti-Semitic. Right. And they're like, well, Jesus was a Jew. And I'm like, well, then Jews is fucking. Then he got, then like maybe they were on.

That's why he got killed. Yeah. Yeah. It's like he got killed because he was Jewish. And therefore, like, bad person. Yeah, that is a funny thing where it's like,

people are always like, well, the Jews didn't kill Jesus. They were pretty involved. They were wildly involved. They were all about it. According to the Bible. My thing, I don't even think Jesus

was necessarily a real guy. I don't think it was real at all. I think, I don't think any of the shit. People are there's historical records. Like, yeah, but his story mirrors so many other, like, there's also like every culture

has like a flood story too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Gilgamesh is basically like, starts out with the flood. People are like, oh, there was a great, flood. It's like, I'm sure there was a big flood that happened at some point. I mean, like, every culture has a flood at some point. Fuck Katrina, dude. Yeah, yeah. Like Hurricane Katrina could have

been our great flood. People will talk about the Great Flood and be Hurricane. When no one's family bravely raided a supermarket. And the, and the children of ham, which is also funny. That's how they, that's what black people are called. The children of ham? Yeah. Do you know that? That's story. So, damn, this is like a fucking religious, fucking, I mean, that's the thing. It's like we're pivoting to a religious want the guys are jacked off to my feet to really just be like, I can't even tell to this. Well, apparently the idea is after the flood, Noah got drunk one night and was, and just got drunk and got naked and passed out.

And he had like multiple sons. And his youngest son, Ham, was like, ha ha, look at this fucking naked asshole, right? And his other sons, like, helped him and like, okay, dad, it's okay. And then when Noah came to, he went to Ham and said, you shall be cursed and all of your children will be cursed and their skin will be black as night. And that's where like black people come from. And that's what a lot of people in America used to justify slavery. Right.

Ham's punishment. I thought you were going to have a much more racist explanation because I heard Noah. I thought he'd be like, so one night he got drunk. And that's why black people can't swim too because it's like if there's another flood, you're fucked. Yeah, yeah. You're fucked this time. It's all right there.

It's all right there. I mean, they also say like black people are like the descent. sentence of Cain because Cain was supposedly marked after killing Abel? Yeah, I mean, is it possible? They were just in a really sunny part of the world. Should I just study theology? I feel like I should have studied a theology at this point. I love it.

My favorite is Nation of Islam, dude. I'm a big N-O-I guy. The nation of domination? Yes. They're so fun, dude. Well, it's Sunday. You know, that's why we have a religious... This is the Sunday school podcast. You know what? This is a Saturday feel and Sunday. So we're going to talk a little bit about God, but only the cool shit.

Yeah, only the cool shit that he did. How come David only fucked up Goliath? He should have been fucking up people left and fucking right. Well, he was. He was like a warrior. No, he wasn't. Yeah, he went to war, cheat on his wife. Really?

I thought he was just like a little guy. And they were like, get lost to run. And then David was like, God, please, please kill somebody. And God was like, all right, I'll help you. Like the, you know what? Apparently, David killing Goliath with that rock was not unlike the Columbine kids, like shooting up all those kids at the school. But like God was maybe guiding the.

their bullets. You ever think about that? That is, the Goliath was the cool kids. Yeah. Yeah. Goliath, you've always been cool.

Don't go to the battlefield tomorrow. Yeah. I mean, that is, I mean, look, I don't speak for Joe on this. Joe has different opinions.

We all have to. And that's what makes America great. Yeah. Is it some people think it's a good idea to bring a gun to a school? I think everyone thinks it's a good idea. I mean, Are you going to use it?

That's the question. This is the truth. It must feel so exhilarating. To shoot a child at a school? Yes. What a rush. I mean, if you think about the zombie games, it's like that, but it's, I guess the zombies are running away. Now it's harder than, you know, I think we missed that opportunity to take a gun to school.

Because, like, I mean, like, when you were in high school, like, you had at least get through the front doors. Like, they will have you, you can't even get through the front door now. No, now there's a brave gym coach that's going to stop. you. Yeah, people are getting courageous at these school shootings now tackling the gunners. I know. I love that guy. Do you see that principal that tackled that gunner? Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah, it was great. He just like,

he fucking tackled that shit. Yeah, I wouldn't have done it, dude. I don't get paid. Teachers don't even get paid enough. Yeah, I think I don't know what I would actually do if a maniac game started shooting on my school. I have a vision of my head of me saving the day, but I think it's likely I would run as fast as I can. I'd hide behind somebody.

I would 100% hide behind somebody. I think it depends distance. Like, if he's like right in front and you see pull a gun out, I think I would attack him because I would be like this... No, you wouldn't. If he was in front of me, I'm sitting behind him. But I think they go to the bathroom normally and load up. Yeah. So I'm in the bathroom. I'd do a fucking key bump to get inspired. Yeah. You know? I do a little of that old Popeye spinach

in white powdered form. Yeah. Yeah. And then... Yeah. And then you have the fondest day of your life. Yeah. And then it's over. That would be... I mean, that would suck to get killed. I mean, I wouldn't mind getting shot in a brothel. Right. I wouldn't even,

you know what? I would love to get shot in an arcade. A Dave and Busters. Those are all great locations to get shot and killed. Yeah. An office space.

A church. The dark night. The movie. Yeah. Dark night screening. That is, they're never, those people will never know.

Do you think God lets them watch the dark nights they can kind of figure out? Absolutely. They're like, damn, that is such a good movie. Yeah,

that would have been a bummer to fucking. It's like, at least wait till like halfway, you know, we get to see Heath Ledger's banging performance. Yeah. It's a weird thing to think about it. That's what I think about my dead friends. I'm like, they never got to see the Robert Pattinson Batman.

And I saw. And I was like, you know, that was fine. I think of like every, because like my, when my stepdad passed away, like, every time I get like a video game or something, because he loved gaming. Yeah. I'd give him a call. And I'd be like, oh, I'm playing this game. And it's a lot of fun. I'm like, I just got the PS5.

This is awesome. And like, recently I've been playing this game Crimson Desert. And I was like, fuck, he'd love this game. You know, just hitting like the vape pen and play. and playing a game. That's the hardest is like when people die and then you're like,

you're the only person. The only person I know that I can like really connect with on this. One of my older roommates passed away and found in San Francisco. He passed away like fucking a month and a half ago. Yeah.

And he was like, you know, he was like a young guy. He wasn't, you know, he was a little older than I am, but, you know, only like 10, 15 years. Yeah. And he loved fallout. Yeah.

And I was like, damn, and get to see season three. Yeah, yeah. That is something you think of. Yeah, he's like, you know, he was like, he would have loved, you know, it's like, you always think about that.

And I think it helps you enjoy the things a little bit more now because you're like, now I'm enjoying it for both of us. Yeah. That's how you got to think about it, you know, because you can't get, you can't make it like a bittersweet thing. No.

You have to be like, damn, he's going to love this and I can't wait to tongue about it when we meet on the other side. Wherever it may be, as you know, I'm a bit of an agnostic kind of spiritual guy. Yeah, I, I, I think I would lean mostly towards simulation. Oh, by the way, I want to say second thing

that would be exhilarating is flying an airplane into the world trade. Oh, my fucking God. That feeling. No, how about what if you were one of the passengers on Flight 93 that tackle the terrorist and they landed in that field and actually prevented him from fucking going? Do Flight 93 not?

They were fine? No, everyone died, but Flight 93, like, they were going to, fuck it. I think they were going to go into a White House or something. Yeah. They were one of those, but, like, instead, like, the passengers, like, no, and they rushed the cops. And made them crash into the field.

So they never, they never like, that's why, you know, there was one in the Pentagon and the World Trade Center. Which is the weird one. The Pentagon one's weird. Pentagon was a little weird and a little bit staged. But apparently, like, I think they were going to try to, like,

crash into the White House as well. But then, like, the people on Flight 93, like, there's a movie about it. That's so convenient. The one that was going to crash into the White House and kill the president. Yeah, all the heroes were on, all the Mark Wahlbergs were on that flight.

Yeah, yeah, the one that never, oh, wow, they're coming from me. All the Seth McFarlane's and Mark Wahlbergs are on Flight 93. That is funny because then they ended up doing work together with Ted. Yeah. They reminisced about that. Well, no, Seth McFarlane was actually supposed to be on the flight. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he was hung over and missed it. Mark Wahlberg courageously said things would have been a lot different if he were on that plane. Right. There would have been a lot of blood in the second cabin and me saying everything's going to go. There would have been a lot of blind Chinese people on that flight. He's just pissed to whipping Vita me. He's just fucking blinding Chinese people left and right. Don't worry.

I won't let anyone identify you. Yeah. That's tight, dude. But because he had a nice body, everyone gave him a pass. Yeah. That is a real. But you know who didn't work out for clavicular. You know about him getting in trouble now?

Now, he's the looks maxing guy. Yes. You're kind of looks maxing right now. A little bit? A little bit? Yeah. And it's a little bit warm. Folks, it's 98 degrees outside.

Michael Good is fucking look maxing. yeah yeah it's fair i mean i with your combed hair i mean i've been on a jelking rotation for about three months now how how's that working out for you uh i think i'm like half a centimeter bigger nice yeah nice yeah i do a couple different tactics everybody just thinks about traditional jelking but i like to go to the gym and tie a weight with a string to my penis and um they're they're small weights but they'll get bigger i just i just i'm i'm just a light cardio guy i'm always i never i never beyond moderate workout zone four and I just ride my stationary bike at home

I don't pay for a gym or anything and like you know clearly but I am I have been doing it more consistently now and I do feel a little bit better which I hate I feel but yeah I hate the fact that exercise and eating well and getting sleep and drinking water make you feel better I hate that I want it to be the opposite it's like oh it's actually

you feel good when you stay up late at night that's what I tell homeless minute every time. I'm like, you're depressed. How about you do some push-ups? Yeah. You could be like those, like, fucking, like, shredded, fucking homeless guys that are doing pull-ups on street signs. A lot of them do have fucking six bags. I mean, like, what else are you going to do? You can't

play Sega. No, yeah, yeah. You got to fucking, you might as well do crunches. You yell at people, you smoke a little bit of crank. I think a lot of it is the crack, too. Like, because crack burns fat. Yeah. Oh, that makes perfect sense. Yeah, yeah. I don't think meth does. Because you've seen

I've seen fat meth heads. I rarely see fat crackheads. One weird thing that Met does, it's an appetite suppressant, but it makes you crave sugar. Interesting. So a lot of... Oh, like Edgar in Men and Black.

Yeah. Give me sugar. That water. Remember that? Yeah. Vincent DiNofrio in his probably best role. Yeah. Edgar the alien in men and black.

Like sugar, water. Wait, which one's Edgar again? Edgar's the Hick. Edgar is the giant cockroach that crashes on Earth. Yeah, yeah. The Hick comes out. And then he's like fucking. fucking grabs him, where's his skin?

And he comes in. Sugar water. And dude, that was a fucking awesome role. He was a, he was a, an alien, it was an alien pretending to be a human and his skin was like progressively fucking deteriorating. I love that. First of all,

I love movies to take place in New York. Yeah, I do too. I'm like, I live there. Isn't that? It's so much fun to be like, I know that. Kelly and I have been watching the show Search Party. I love, that's a fun one. And like, that's filmed in our neighborhood.

Yeah. Like she's like, that's the coffee shop we go to. It's like, she paused and be like, look at that. And, you know, that's an eight-year-old show. That's a great show. I'm really liking it. I, uh, I never saw it before. It, it really captures the last great hurrah of Brooklyn, which was 2016 to 2019.

Yes, like the gay, sassy guy. Right. Is his sister? Like, yeah, and it's like, I think it's a sister. And it's like, everyone's like hanging out on rooftops. Yeah. There's a sense of innocence to it. COVID ruined, uh, culture.

in New York. Yeah, it did. Like, everyone started staying inside, banging pots and pans together. And when shit reopened, it's, I feel like, maybe it's also like I'm older, but I feel shit's different.

I feel like people don't have house parties as much. I mean, what do I? I'm fucking 42. Who's going to invite a fucking 42-year-old man to a house party here? You're getting invited. Oh, Michael, good.

They're like, hey, who... Besides the one I threw last. Where's all the... Invitation got lost in the mail. Oh, no, dude. Check your... voices. I fucking sent it. I called you, dude. Are you

427-2-2-5? That's it, dude. You must have gone a new number, bro. Yeah. Who was I texting? Oh, yeah. One time I invited the complete wrong guy. This is so funny. I had a birthday

my freshman year of college. Nice. And yeah, it was pretty cool. It was pretty cool to be and I texted this guy. It ended up just being a guy for my orientation. And he showed up my dorm and I was like hey, what's up?

He goes, what's up, dude, happy birthday. And I was like, yeah, and I just thought it was a completely

different guy that I texted. And so this guy from my orientation, I barely knew, ended up coming out of my birthday, getting so drunk, making a huge mess and, like,

passing out on somebody's toilet, like completely naked. And we had to, like, and I was like, this is all because I texted the wrong guy. That's so awesome, dude. Yeah,

yeah, that's also fucking fun. It's, there is, like, a level of innocence to getting, like, black out drunk in your 20s, where it's charming. And then, like,

in your 30s, it's like, damn, you got to fucking take it easy. And like in your 40s, it's like, yo, you have a fucking serious problem. But for whatever reason, like getting blackout drunk in your 20s is fine. I think I stopped getting blackout drunk when I was like 29. Well, that's how I'm right now and I have not stopped. I mean, that's fine, dude. You'll, you'll, I mean, I just got into other drugs.

It's taking me forever to get out of that. We had to have a ketamine intervention within our friend group. And one guy just didn't want to. Do you have a good plug? Yes. If you have a good plug. hold on to it. Yeah,

hold on to it. And like, I don't know, ketamine. That's what people say about somebody you love. You know, here's the thing with,

like, marijuana, because, like, marijuana is, like, such, like, a background drug for me at this point. Like,

I can do it all the time, and it doesn't really affect me in a way, but I know when I'm not high. Uh, but ketamine is such, like, a drug drug. Like,

I feel like, because, like, if I'm doing it, I want to go into a K-hole. Yeah. I am doing, I want to search behind the next wall in my brain. I'm like, what's behind that?

I love it when I feel the ketamine really kick into, like, because, like, you know, with me, I'll usually just do, like, kind of tutes of ketamine with the boys until it, like, really kicks in. But when it starts to kick it, I'm like, oh, I feel it. I mean, I'm entering the K-hole. Yeah. And it reminds me of, like, that shit in 2001 of Space Odyssey, you know, the very end, you know? That is a great way to describe it. It's a K-hole, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything's fucking surreal. Like, it's all musical. You're seeing lights. You're traveling through time. you're seeing yourself as an old man, you're seeing yourself as a little fucking space baby. Yeah, yeah, that is the best explanation.

Yeah, no, that is 100% ketamine. Like, I understand that movie now. I understand the significance of that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's a thing, too, where it's like, I think it's great that it doesn't last very long. And also, I mean, a good trick to Cahole is,

uh, I've done this by accident, snort some water and then everything that didn't go up initially will just all, like, I'll be like, oh, I'm not even feeling this. snort water and next thing you know I'm like whoa yeah but I realized like although it's not like physically that bad for you it's not fun to be around for a lot of people so it's like you're not it's a drug for you and yourself like it's not like it is like a nice solitary drug yeah it's like or if you're doing it with one other person that you vibe well with yeah it's good but then once

you start c-holing it's like do we're keholing at this bar and we start yelling at people and we're like why's nobody dancing we started dance circles before but we're just yelling we're like this place is fucking gay that's crazy I got I I go into myself during a K-hole. Like I don't, I try, I minimize conversationing. And I'm just like, whoa, I just want to go into, I just want to enjoy this. I just want to feel this. I want to feel my body right now.

Yeah. That's interesting. But like, I guess it like depends on your environment too because I kind of, I tend to enjoy doing ketamine. Like if I'm doing it with like at a party and stuff, like I want to like, I don't, I want to be in a big crowd. I want to just be like with the people that are actively doing the drug. and then when I'm at home you know I'll do it but I haven't done ketamine at home in years

yeah well and that's that's probably a good thing it's probably a good thing you know it's also like I don't like I said you know like I'm in my 40s so it's like less cool to do hard drugs as you get older yeah well I think one thing people say about ketamine that like you always like you're like I don't know what ketamine because I don't just like fall over at the bar

every time I've done it I just even if I'm choling at the bar and I'm completely on their planet I'm just smiling and walking around And I'm like, actually fine. Like, I'm not even dropping my drink. I'm just like, do not just keep. Don't worry. Just K.

Just K. That seems to be your fucking merch shirt. Just K. Holden. J. K. Holland. J. K. Holland.

J. K. Holland. Oh, that's fun. Damn, dude. Fuck yeah. It's got a picture of Harry Potter just doing it like a fucking little. J.K. I like that.

They're all just fucking strung out on a couch and a Khole. Yeah, just not talking. Yeah. Yeah. Because every time you do it, though, you think like when you start to Cahill, you're like, everybody, I'm sorry for what's about to happen. And then you get out of the Cahole, you're like, I'm so sorry. And people were like, you didn't do it. Yeah, you're just chilling.

Yeah, you were just sitting there not. Time moves different, man. Time moves different. I remember, dude, God damn. Like, this was like right before the pandemic. I was doing like so much ketamine. I would do ketamine and then watch step by step. What's that?

You ever watch that show step by step? It was a, it was part of the TGIF lineup in the Earth. I forget. how young you are. For those of you with lower back pain, listening to this pod, step by step was part of the TGIF lineup

on ABC Networks in the early 90s. And it starred Patrick Duffy and Susan Sarandon as a divorcee who marry each other and they each have three kids of their own. This is a bizarre thing to watch

on Cadabine. It's not like a space movie. It's not like a Marvel movie. No, dude. It was just like, a family sitcom from the 90s. And I would fucking snort ketamine and I'd watch the show and I'd be like, oh, my childhood is

over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like I'd watch what was that Matt Groening Netflix show with the, it was like the fairy tale one. Oh, I remember what you're talking about you? Yeah, yeah, it was that fairy tale one. I was watching that and I was like,

damn, Matt Groening's coming like a long way from the Simpsons. I would like, think about that. And I'd be like, I used to watch the Simpsons when I was back at home. I'm never going to get to go home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can never, well, like, and I understand what they say when they, when they say, you can never go home again, but it's like, that's because you relate being home to

being like a child. Yeah, I was pissed on my parents. Like, my parents sold my house and my dog died. And I never mourned it until like a week ago. I was just on the train. My dog died like fucking six years ago. You never really, I mean, yeah, it's your dog. I know, but I just never really felt that until the other day.

I was like, damn, I miss Annabelle. She was a sweet dog And Yeah One time you Like you hear their fucking little nails Pattering against the Ground for the last time

You don't even know it Yeah I mean she was like getting like Ah That's also rough Yeah That's also rough It's rough

It's rough It's rough But no it sucks It's if there was like I would pay A hundred bucks a month If it meant my dog Could live as long as I do

Really See I love dogs But I don't The one thing is when dogs die and people are like, my dog died, it was like the, it's still not the same as a person. Probably not, but I think I like my dog more than I like most people.

Really? Yeah. Don't you? I think if you had a dog, like your own dog. Yeah, that's the right. I never had my own dog. You never had, you, you've had family dogs. Like, we've had, I've had a family cat and it sucks to lose a family cat,

but when we had to put, like, when we had our own cat and we had to put him down, That was like fucking the worst thing ever. It was, it's like so much worse than any. It was, it was undescribable misery. Like I took the next day off work. I'm like, I can't fucking function right now. Because it's different when like it's, because like when it's, I don't know, have you ever had to put a pet down?

I mean, put our dog down, but I, I wasn't even, I was on ketamine. I was, I was like, it was like the night before the whole world shut down. And I was just partying. I remember my friend texts me. Actually, I'll say which friend, Dan Carney was like, people that go. out this weekend or causing thousands of deaths and I go totally just went out and just so much cat of being. That's so

fun. Well like nobody knew but it's like nobody was fucking dying from all that shit. Well this is the thing too it's like if you went out during COVID and then like it's not my fault I went out. It's whoever's visiting their grandparents' fault. Honestly dude it's also like we probably should have just like all gone out and just collectively like whoever gets it gets it. Yeah. You know?

We should have just like gotten over that. But I think by making us isolate it was just kind of delay it delayed the inevitable and spread it out. But I do think that like, I do think the vaccine was helpful for certain people.

It wasn't. It absolutely wasn't. Yeah. I think we're some people, like for old people. Like I don't, I think, I think we should have just kept going out

and like, yeah, we should have had the vaccine. But like, let me tell you something. Jab or no, jab nothing's going to fucking stop me, dude.

Yeah. My body was strong enough to fucking fight off COVID. It could also fight off the fucking moderna vaccine. Yeah. Like I'm not going to become retarded. No, no.

I might for my face plan. You see this here? What happens? looking better. This is the funniest injury. I like to slide down the hand railing on the stairs on the way down from the subway, like a 12 year old. Or a really cool fucking high schooler?

Yeah, I bet doing it all the time. And then the other night I was out with a girl and I had our bag of of food, a lit cigarette in one hand. And I touched the railing and it was wet and I go, this will be good for speed. And then I go down dude, it's such a me injury. I'm going so fast I have to jump

off. And I jump off on the stairs. Dude, it's so funny. Dude, it's such a me. I'm going to die on a water slide. To be an adult and get an injury in that manner is hilarious. It's so funny, dude. I slid down, jumped off, and the stairs were wet, so my feet just completely slipped out from under me.

I landed directly on my face and hit multiple steps. It was like, boom, boom, boom. Also, just to get like an open wound in a New York suburb. subway station. It's so bad. Oh, dude. I know I didn't have herpes too before. I got it from that.

One time, I'll also say the name of the club because I doubt I'll ever get work there. I was leaving the Bushwick Comedy Club. Yeah. And I was going to a train. I was going to the train station there. And like this woman was like holding her face.

And blood was like pouring out of it. And like some dude had fucking like slashed her at the subway. And I like look and saw like there was like an entire trail of blood like all. Oh my gosh. Station agent was doing nothing, but thank God. What do you think she was complaining about before? Oh, God. Probably like fucking, oh, probably the Showtime dancers. Yeah, it's just something. Hey, come over here.

Stop, stop paying attention to the fucking left side of the train. Yeah. Fucking almost kick me in the face over here. Yeah. Showtime sucks. Showtime does suck. It was good when I was looking for boobs as a child. Well, I just wanted to finish this door real good.

Yeah. It's very funny because, like, I'm at the bottom of the stairs and like my pants are like around my ass is hanging out. Your pants fell down a little bit. My pants fell down. And the girl's like laughing and she's like, okay, are you okay? And I was like,

no. Like I was worried I was gonna have a concussion. And I might. You might, yeah. But, I mean, what do you do if you have a concussion?

You just like take it kind of easy. I mean, your doctor will at least give you like some kind of medicine to maybe thin your blood a little bit to make it. Oh, I didn't know that's a thing. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure there's like some shit you can do just to like make sure.

If anything, they'll probably want to scan to make sure like there's no like significant damage or CTE. I immediately thought about like Roseanne Barr and like Antonio Brown. I'm like, I'm going to be a fun concussed person. I was like, I'm going to go crazy. Sam Kinnison. I know.

I was like, I'm going to be so talented after this. I'm going to be bugging. What if the opposite happens? What if you become unfunny? Oh, God, that would be brutal. What if it, and that was my favorite like, you know, to come back to step by step and family sitcoms. That was like my favorite little like episode is like when somebody gets hit on the head

and their personality completely changes. You know? Like that. Chinese lady, the white lady I'm probably. Now I speak Chinese. Yeah, she got like a, she came out of a coma and now she has like a Chinese accent. That's so funny. That's amazing.

Yeah, I was just hoping I'd hit my chin a little bit more so I could grow back stronger. It could come about you could justify plastic surgery. Exactly. And then just get it. Looks maxing. Yeah. The funny thing about him is he showed up to his trial. So I guess he like shot an alligator

in like the, uh, clavicleer shot an alligator in like the Everglades. Oh. And it had to go to trial for it. It's so funny because it's just him like you walk and you see the judge and the judge is like the most handsome man alive and then it's like

everybody's like he got mocked by the judge and it's like he's just like yeah you're gonna have probation probation where you can't stream on pro when you're doing community service you can't stream

like you understand you can't be making fun videos but there's that other guy they got in trouble chud the builder yeah who apparently looks like me he does dude yeah everyone

fucking multiple people have messaged me like hey dude why did you kill a black guy yeah and I'm like how'd you know? And then they're like, oh, it's on the news. I'm like, it's on the news. And then I looked at him like, oh, you're telling a joke. He's a hot guy. I wish. You're beautiful man too. Thank you.

You got great eyes. You got, uh, good. Good. Must cut this. Beautiful hair. It's wonderful. I didn't realize I'd seen his earlier videos, which this guy would just go to restaurants and start saying the Edward and they kick him out. And he's like, so I guess you can't have free speech here. And you're like, so what a fucking wild thing. Yeah, you're like, call black guys the Edward. It'd be like, follow me to my car. And then it'll be like, it's self-defense. It's self-defense. To antagonize.

It's so fun. Like the whole not, it's basically like, you know, those are like the kids that are like, I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. Yeah,

it's the same exactly. And now like it's like an adult version. Yeah. And then what happens? You get shot in the neck like Charlie Cook. Charlie Cook? Charlie Cook. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Who believes that women should stay out of the kitchen because they're incompetent. And only men are great chefs. And he named off like Anthony Bourdain and Gordon. Ramsey. That's so funny.

Yeah. Charlie Cook. Charlie Cook. Charlie Cook. Yeah. That was a funny thing too. Was the... Charlie getting shot. Goof around the apartment, one of my roommates goes Yeah, the saddest part is he's probably never going to be able to walk again. Like, I love the idea of somebody who didn't get that that's a fatal injury. You're like,

I'm, it's looking rough. I don't think he's going to walk. Is he going to be okay? Yeah. That was cool. The CEO getting shot was very fucking cool. I did work that hotel. I did some temp work there a couple weeks ago. Oh my God. I was like, you know this is a hotel, right? They're like, what? I'm like, yeah, this is where that guy got. I'm fucking... Nice. Yeah, and then everything

in healthcare changed after that. Do you think Luigi Manjeone is going to get extradited? No, this is my thing. Look, he's a bisexual man, and I bet you he's having some very fun burden sex. Yeah. Like, I bet you... And I bet like he's getting conjugal visits from, like, women, too. Oh, they're pushing their

pussy lips against the fucking thing. Like a fucking, like some sort of alien. I know, like, I feel like they got to be careful because, like, they, they don't want a martyr. Well, he's a martyr either way. Yeah. But, like, that would be very fucking cool if, like, somehow he could just, like, you know. What's his sentence? Can you look up his sentence? Yeah.

I think, I mean, I don't, I think he's still, I think the trial's still going on. Yeah, I'm curious about that. Luigi Mongeone. He's only 28, dude. Yeah. Damn. He's the young. prosecutor yeah it's still going on

the guy that shot john lennon got out of jail right well he didn't do anything wrong no no no the uh the guy who tried to shoot reagan i think oh yeah yeah he shot reagan but he didn't kill ragan right um the guy who shot john lennon you know why he shot john lennon no because john lennon said the n-word oh really because that song women are the n-word of the world yeah i love that video of him if you don't know he made a song called the women are the n-word of the world and it's so non-ironic not ironic not ironic Like in the video,

so funny with him and Yoko on like, oh, this thing is like Dick Cab or something. He's like, I'll actually have a letter right here from a black guy. He says, like,

it's like, my black friend say I could say the N word. There's like a whole video for basically just trying to say, I can say, trying to prove he has the N word pass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Joan Lennon. Yeah. But it's also funny because, because he's the most annoying white guy. If anybody show of the Nward pass, it's not him.

Well, and then like, it's me. Yeah, and then Bet Midler even reposted like women are the N-word of the world. You know, it was part of like that whole like Me Too movement. And then like all the black women were like, what does that make us?

Super N-word. And it's like, yeah, dude, and it's just like white women trying to find a way to fucking martyr themselves as if they didn't fucking profit off of like institutional slavery just as much as white men. Yeah. And that's the thing is like I don't feel any like, I don't know, it's weird. It's like obviously slavery is horrendous.

But like, is it? I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Would I have a slave today if it were legal? Yeah. I have a slave edit my podcast. Edit my podcast, slave. Just a guy wearing the cloth with chains on his hands.

He's like, he's logging into Apple and shit. Yeah, yeah. He's singing like, he's singing like slave hymns while syncing the audio. Yeah. Hmm. Slave. I need you to. I need you to film my set.

Yeah. I need more content, slave. Hands change. Working on a plan. That's the thing is like, I can't really do racial humor because I don't understand like the groups enough

to get the nuances. But slave humor will always be funny to be because it's such a wild, obscure thing. Like Canada apparently didn't have a ton of slaves. Like they had some,

which is so funny to be like, they're doing it down there. Yeah. I guess we could have a couple, eh? Yeah. Well, just, you know, just something in the winter. Yeah. Oh, we could provide something to do.

Put him out in the woods. Yeah. And that guy had to look so funny at first. They were like, Bob's kind of weird. He has like a guy chained up his house. Like if it wasn't a guy, he's like, yeah, I don't know about that guy. He has a guy chained up.

Hey, Bill, what's that over there you got there? Oh, that's a slave. It's so weird to be in a country with not a lot of slaves. There's a few guys that have them. Oh, we got to have a slave. It's the latest thing Yeah, it's the latest thing Huge in America

Yeah, yeah It's really gonna pick up here Yeah, it'll catch on I guess here was I don't know Somebody had a stat about it I think it was less People owned slaves

But there was just a lot of slaves So it was like one guy Would own like a crazy Yeah, like a 2,000 slaves Or something like that Yeah, it was a flex It was like a guy With like multiple lamboes

How many slaves would you think I'd have I'd have like You see I just like come on I got like three slaves Yeah I'm the bad guy Come on three slaves That was a really common southern argument

Where it was like, dude, I heard so many people in the South Just be like, yeah, but it's not like they all were treated bad It was like, you know, it was like, would you treat your cow terribly? And we're like, well, that's not the point. The point is it's not bad to own a human being. Not like he was really nice to his chained up human being that couldn't leave. Yeah, they were free-range slaves. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, these slurs, this trust me,

You're gonna feel very comfortable wearing this cotton. Yeah, slave was... We had basic cable in the slave quarters. Yeah, yeah. We're good, dude. We're good, yeah. Pay for their Netflix? Yeah.

There was like three accounts, mom, dad, slaves. Choose your profile. I want to go with Toby. Toby watching Tobey. He loves those black movies. Loves the commercial breaks. They smoke their menthols during the cigarette breaks.

Yeah, it's just a funny. It's funny because of how wild it was. It was a wild time, man. Those 1800s are wild. It was more 1700s. Yeah, well, it was funny too because, like, I was talking, there was so, one of the founding fathers was like, he's like, uh, he would release his slaves if they asked, which is really funny. It turns out it's more complicated than that, but I love the idea of him being like, yeah, you guys just never, it's like somebody asking for a raise. He's like, you guys never asked me if you could leave. You didn't say please. Yeah, yeah. It was implied. I could. May I please have my freedom? Yeah. Okay. Okay. You said a very nice, great manners. Because you were so polite. Yeah. Yeah, it's, it's such a, well, I guess it was Jefferson or somebody. I'm definitely wrong by this, but one of them did a thing where he was like...

Jefferson had sex with his slaves. Yes. Infamously. But then, like, he would just, like, have his own, like, half child slaves. Yeah, yeah. Which is, like, also kind of fucking crazy. How fucking far out could you, like, keep going with, like, the slave, like, banging slaves to create more slaves? I mean, it is a great.

Until you end up with a white person. Like, you fucking... Right. Right. you like, you integrate too much of white DNA into the slaves.

The second generation has got to be so much weaker. Like those slaves are, you're kind of getting... Like second generation looks like Holly Berry. Yeah, yeah.

Right? And after that, it's like, well, like Sienna Hubert Ross, maybe. Yeah, which is very hot,

but... But not black. Yeah, not as good for what you'd want. Yeah. With slavery. Well, depending on what you want

with slavery. Right. If you're Thomas Jefferson, then you're like, whoa. Hold the foe. That's not yet been invented.

Yeah, that's fucking. So I guess his thing was, he's like, if they could prove they could get a job, then he would release them. But like, how hard must it have been to get a good job? Well, like, it's also like, yeah, it's like, well, I'm not going to hire you. I'm going to have this slave do it for free. Yeah, yeah. They're like, no, actually, he's going to do this.

They're like, that's like, that's like when you have like software and it's like, do you want to get like the retail version for 10 bucks? Like, no, I'm just going to keep this fucking free slave version. Yeah, yeah, that's how it was. The husband slaves, you had to trial. Yeah. There's a free period and then you got to start paying and then you cancel it. And then, yeah.

I wouldn't have any female slaves. Dudes only. Dudes only. The bros. The dudes. It's a dude ranch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where a dude ranch comes from.

Just no, all male slaves. Yeah, yeah. At the farm. It's like, this is a dude ranch, baby. Do you think they ever taught him, like, fashion? And they were like, I know you guys like have to wear this, but like, these are the cool shoes. No, that's why modern day black people dressed the way they do. No, I actually, I talked about that

on other bar guys. I think that is true. I think they literally, it's like, everybody's like, oh, why does black guys have 10 shoes? It's like, well, if you had no shoes for a while or like shitty shoes, you'd be like, let me fucking flex on a motherland. Yeah. Let me show them what I can have. Yeah, look at all this gold for my motherland in Africa. Yeah. I've taken back.

Look at these diamonds. They were made by slaves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that is an irony. It's like the diamonds were blood. Like, it is kind of a never-circle, baby. full circle. I love it. Yeah. It's a, I had another thought on that. Take your time. Oh, dude, I actually looked up where dude came from. You know where dude came from? What? It came from Yankee Doodles. So like Yankees. So when Yankees would go out to out west, like to, they'd be like, oh, he's a dude. A dude was like a, somebody who's not a westerner. So like when Yankee would come on the front of the big, oh, he's a dude. And then just later surfers started.

Dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm not really a dude. I might be a bro. I'm not a dude. We're all dudes. Yeah? We're all dudes according to Good Burger. This is true.

You ever call women, I like calling women dudes. Yeah, but they get pissed. Women get pissed when you call them dude. I don't call trans women dudes. I'm very careful about that. I call them big guy.

I'm like, hey, big guy, why don't we get out of here and you fuck me in my ass? How about that? They love it. They'll do it sometimes. Because I randomly started doing a thing

where I'll just like find, a dominatrix online. I'll be like, I'm going to DM our Instagram and say, Love the content, homie, and do a muscle simple, just talking about their dudes. Do they heart it? Got some stuff from it. Oh, yeah? Now, have I done it like 35 times this point? Yes.

Nice. To the same, to the same I love the content, Omie, love the content, Omie. Love the content, Omie. Yeah, I'll be like, yeah, it's weird. I mean, what time we were hammered on New Year's, it was like 5am and we're at this post game where it's all dudes. We turn on the TV, it's a weather lady. We're like, we should just start hitting up weather ladies because they're awake right now

and the station's right over there so we're just like, want to come, didn't work, but I'm going to start, you like they are. You're like a new level of horny every time,

where it's like, damn, just go to bed. Just beat off and go to bed. Nope. You never have post, not clarity, do you?

I do for like three seconds. And then I'm like, ah, I'm horny again. But like last night I was very not horny. I was with the, let me make sure that all

that was scary, dude. It looks great. It looks fine, dude. They're so, bright. It just caught me off guard as all. It just happened so fast. That's like your fifth zen, man.

You're going through them. How much do those packs cost? That's not too bad. I mean, like, how many do you go through a day? Do you go through like a pack a day? Yeah, I'm trying to quit. Okay, so you're like at 70 bucks a week, which is, nah, I can't afford it. Really? Yeah, I owe my producer so much money. And I'm like, if I just stop zinning, I could pay him probably in a month. Yeah. You know, edit your video and shit, right?

Let's try this. Zin Challenge. Zin challenge. This will be my last pack of Zins. Today is, what, the 17th? Oh, shit, yes. All right. Exactly, the 17th.

I want my listeners to hold me accountable. If you see me zining on the next episode, how about this? Ooh. Unsubscribe if you see me zining in the next episode. And Venmo me five bucks at Joe W. Gorman on Venmo. Yeah, you can still listen to the podcast, but unsubscribe if you see me as ending. Yeah.

This is a lot. I need a challenge. Like, this is a good challenge. Damn, you're really trying to get clean. Yeah, because for me, it's just the money. And it's like, I don't know. I think it probably makes me anxious, too. For me, I just threw it in because I was like, all right, let me keep my brain going while it's kind of tired.

Yeah. And, uh, yeah, let's fucking quit it. Let's quit. It's a hard thing to quit. It's one of the hardest ones to quit. I think weed is also hard, especially in New York. Yeah. Because, like, one, I'm always, like, fucking stressed out.

and two there's like a fucking dispenser on every fucking corner now. Yeah. Yeah. I do kind of believe the strain thing now. I used to think there was not a difference between Indica and some weed just makes you feel way different than other weird. Yeah. I'm trying to like just get off it all together. Yeah, because it's like even if I'm not drinking, there's like other things I'm doing. I'm like, oh, it's Adderall, Kalanipen, or Zins.

And I'm like, let me just try to clear. You have a raw dog life. Yeah. Yeah. It's like I would like to kind of just be like, all right, there's nothing in my system. Yeah. Like, sometimes I think it's like, damn, last time I was like purely sober was like 19, you know, something like that. Yeah, because there's always some... I mean, I'm always abusing your body in some way.

Yeah. It would be so lovely to just have a week. A week's too long, but like three days of like absolutely, not even caffeine. And just kind of see... I mean, you're gonna be in agony for a little while. Yeah, yeah. As your body adjusts. But everyone says like the same...

Everyone says the same thing. Like, after like the fourth day, like, once the shit leaves your system, you feel great. What are the way... I'm gonna be very hungry. So I'm probably going to gain a little weight, which is fine. because this all started during the weight loss challenge it suppresses your appetite

and the next thing you know it's like but it becomes like I mean that's how like that's how addiction starts is like oh look at this great thing oh it's cool I'll do it every once in a while

I'll do it a little bit more and then like before you know it you can't even stop yeah it's crazy I literally cannot stop it's crazy how shit snowballs like I never thought it spent like the amount of money

I spent on drugs I'm like fuck what am I doing I haven't spent that much of drugs alcohol an absurd amount but I don't I don't drink which is like I think also I used to justify my drug use. It's like, well, I don't drink so I can fucking do Coke and smoke weed and fucking do ketamine and shrooms and shit.

You know, and like weed is like, well, Michael Phelps smokes weed. That's like what I always like fucking default to. And it's like, well, no one ever gets cancer from fucking smoking weed. Yeah, well, Shane Gill has drinks all the time. Yeah. This guy who's clearly not dying. Did you watch the roast? No.

That was fun. I'm not going to watch that. shit. I mean, you have to. Your boss is in the fucking roast. Dude, yeah, he was, he gave me a quiz afterwards. He's like, now what the race is. Like, as you remember, Michael, for every question you get wrong, I'm going to shoot a load in your mouth.

Oh, it's so tough. I know. Yeah, he's like, which racial group did I mention the most in things? Yeah, and you said Mexican people just to get a fat load. I was like, let me just get the cuff. Yeah, let's get the cum.

Yeah, the response is really funny to people. I mean, here in the rocks said the word retarded was very fun. I'm like a nine year old. I'm like, he said about what? The walks said about what? He got like a little shit for that, but like nobody made fun of him for wearing a dress the night before. That's true. He wore a dress

at the Met Gallen was like men wear dresses and it's like, fucking no they don't dude. No they don't. Like that was something like you learn like from your father. If you had a fucking strong father figure you'd know that. No father says men wear dresses. No. That is a new ass thing that happened in the past.

like literally during the pandemic. During the pandemic was when like trans rights kind of became a thing. But trans is different than a dude wearing a dress. No, it's not. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Are you serious? As somebody who has somebody that had sex with a man wearing a dress,

it's different. It's different. Trust me, it feels way different. Well, I think it's like, yeah. It's like, the thing is like, Kirk Cobain did it and then like Kid Cuddy's like, I'm going to do it. You're like, it's not like a new thing. It's not newly edged.

He did it as like a, well, and Kurt Cobain was a heroin addict. Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever think like maybe he's just like a fucking brain dead junkie, everything of that? Yeah. That's why like when he like shot himself, there were no brains. Right. Even though he blew his head off.

Yeah. Yeah, he blew his head off. No, no fucking brain matter found. Zero. Well, that's the thing too. Guy was a dude. What if he was alive the day? It's like he would be so annoying.

He'd be a suck out. He'd be a fucking cell out like every fucking artist. He would be, he would probably do like smell. Smells like Maga spirit, dude. Yeah, yeah. He would fucking totally be a fucking trumper. He would have gotten sober. He would have found God.

Yeah. You know, like, oh, he would have 100%. Oh, yeah. God, yeah. Yeah, he would have, he would have been like, he would have been like fucking like, like what do they call it, butt rock or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That would have evolved. He would have been, yeah, that would have been so fascinating to see that. He would be him and that guy, Tom McDonald. You know, Tom McDonald? No. He's like this conservative. rapper that's really funny. He has one song he's like,

they always tell us that black lives matter and that and you're like, wait, are you saying they don't? There's that one guy, I want to say this, there's this one white rapper who made a song it's called White N-word. And I want to say this, when I was 13 years old, I wrote a very similar song. Nice.

I used to have this song I wrote when I was 13, it was like, Black honky. Yeah. It was like white N-words, white N-words, French vanilla. we may be white but we could still have a hell of a time busting rhyme and I was like I remember in my head I was like this is going to be I pictured me and all my 13 year old friends like singing it in like all black rooms and they're just like incredible I'm like thank God I didn't have YouTube because I would have fucking I would have made that video you would have put it out there it would have gone viral but it would have been huge it would have been huge because people are like this is just retarded this is the dumbest thing but then one of those bagger rappers made a song he's like I'm a white and word babba babba babba ba ba it's so funny yeah it's really annoying because you're like you know i'm not the word police but really just the worst white people are saying the end you know what i mean it's not like

the worst people are saying like the worst comics yeah we won't hear like you won't hear like the theo ripped one a week ago is pretty funny huh theo ripped one a week ago is pretty funny because what do you say well like mike tyson's like i want you to say you are and we're a lover and he's like oh i don't know about that he's like does that mean all of them that's funny and that he's said it and the crowd's like, who he's like, why are y'all cheering for that? But it's pretty funny. Like, I think like, I mean, I'll get drunk and I've definitely said it with a soft day to be funny.

And I just listened to- I've gotten drunk. I've said it with a hard ER with rage in my heart. I mean, it just happens. It happens. I'm like, I mean, sometimes, you know, how else are you going to describe a black person you hate? I'm a lot of loss for words.

I know one. Yeah, yeah. For me, it just doesn't, it's not funny when I say it. So there's no reason to. It's a funny word. What can you do? We're comedians. We say funny words.

That's true. It's very funny if you say it. It was funny when Rogan got bought by Spotify and people made like a compilation of all the times he said the N word. Yeah, yeah. And it was like, it ended up being like a seven minute video. It was like, damn, he really did say it a lot. And like at one point, like he was talking about like watching like the Planet of the Apes movie at a black theater. And he was like, and they were like,

like apes. Yeah, that was the craziest thing he said of all because it was almost like an out of context Edward is one thing, but then two, uh, then he tried to justify,

he tried to justify that. He's like, well, I was just trying to make it a better story. And you're like, that was the worst of it all. And then they also have that clip of him from like when he did the man show and he was talking about like,

um, what the age of consent is and then how fucking dumb it is. And that he would like, yeah he said he got horny from that video of that 16 year old porn star right that's that porn star where like a lot of her shit was like purged when they found out that you know she was underage yeah that's the real purge when they delete all the year yeah like oh shit we gotta fucking get this shit out of it that's the purge yeah yeah yeah that's my favorite argue is those people that are like the purge might actually be a good idea it's like no because anybody

that killed or rape somebody would be like oh i love you mean nobody's gonna like what if instead of the purge we have taco Tuesdays and everyone gets a free taco. How about that dude? How about a little compromise? You want to kill somebody? How about you kill yourself? Yeah. With Taco Bell. Yeah, slowly. Yeah, I eat it all the time, dude.

It's so good, dude. It tastes so fucking good. Dude, food fucking rocks, dude. I'm hungry. I got, we'll get something. I've got it. I got the app, dude. I get my points. I do. I got, I used I used, yeah, I use all the fucking apps. Yeah, it's right there for me. It's so fucking cheap, dude.

Yeah. It's like, whatever I've gained in a heart stuff I've gained back in money from going to Taco Bell. I love Taco Bell. I mean, even though it's like more expensive now than it's ever been. Yeah. Tacos used to be like 59 cents, dude. Yeah, that is crazy.

Yeah, I got an argument with a homeless lady there the other day. She's like, car have money. I was like, fuck you. And I was like, I don't have any money. I'm broken shit. She's like, you're lying. I'm like, I'm having my dinner at Taco Bell.

I was like, I don't. I mean, that's like a kind of a flex now. Well, I don't have any money. To eat a taco bell. Yeah, it's baller now. I mean, it's like, it's like, to get like a fucking full meal is like 15 bucks. No.

Dude, you get fucking two of the Lux menu things and you have a full meal right there. You get two burritos for fucking $6. Really? Yeah. I'll have to look into that. Yeah. I'll have to investigate.

It's the one thing I get the grilled cheese burrito. That's a little priser. Yeah. And I get, I get a cassidia. I get two chalupas. And three carnitas tacos. Okay, well, that's not a meal.

That's a lot of food. That's a meal. That's a single serving. I don't know about that. That is a single serving. I had to give you some of Zins. I start getting anorexic because of it. Would you ever do the OZemphic?

No. I think it's cool to be fat. I agree. People are like fucking, it's like, look, and I see like the people on Ozambic and they look fucking insane. Yeah. They look insane. And like, you know what?

Some people aren't meant to. be skinny. No, I don't think I am. I think we're running around. I feel like I'm like the most athletic sumo wrestler out there right now. Yeah. That's what I'm going. I'm going for that sumo wrestler aesthetic where you just fucking squat down, dude. Yeah, there's a straight with it. It's like people are like, you know, it's about the quality of your life. And like, if you don't, I don't know, it's like, well, I talked to my friend who goes to gym two hours a day and I was like, I will never do that. That would be a waste of my time. I'm trying to be a professional comedian. Yeah. I don't, I am a professional comedian. I just don't have enough money to survive. I don't mind like a little

exercise and like I'll go for like a walk in the morning and shit and like I'll ride my my stationary bike but like I'm not gonna like fucking eat like I'm not gonna meal prep and eat out of fucking Tupperware you know? No, my own thing sucks. Yeah. And you know it's also like you don't need to be like completely fucking shredded but you should try to be healthy. But you know, it's just healthy. And that's just to keep the that's just to fucking keep the lights on, keep the body in motion. Like I don't want to have to have somebody wipe my ass when I'm old. Yeah. You know. Yeah, that sounds. Although we probably will have robot fucking slaves by the time we're old.

Yeah. No, I agree. That'll be nice. Yeah. They'll be tug slaves, dude. I'm just going to get, like, those, like, little nanites injected into me. Like, those little microscopic robots to, like, repair my heart and my cells and shit. So, like, I perpetually look 25.

That's not a bad move. That's the move. Yeah. I would love it if, like, you could live to be, like, 150 and look 25. That's going to be a thing. None of those guys actually They're probably John's guy Just looks odd.

I don't, yeah. Like, you don't want to be like that, that guy who's like using his son's blood and shit. And like, yeah. Because it's like, it's like all the time he's invested in trying to live longer.

He's losing out. Yeah, exactly, dude. So it's like, what's the, like, what are you doing with your fucking life? He does have a hot girlfriend though.

And then her pH balance, you see him posting her pussy pH balance? No. Dude, he posted like, he like, he, like,

he like, he was like, yeah, she's in the top one percentile of like, like clean vaginas. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Like he knows.

Yeah. I don't believe in vaginal math. This is vaginal math. Yeah. It smells pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. It's like,

it's a sense test. How's it? How's it? How's it? How's it? How's it? Yeah. And it never tastes good,

but someone doesn't taste bad. Yeah, it does. When's last time you ate pussy? You know what? I think it's been a week. Damn. Yeah.

And it tasted bad? No. It tastes great. not great, but it just didn't taste like anything. I mean, that's good. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You don't want like a bitter one. No, no, no.

Yeah. But I let it go. Do you, girls' pussies taste bad? I'll still eat it. I do, it's like, it's a bad butthole. Every butthole tastes like nothing. Butthole tastes like butthole. Butthole tastes exactly how you think it's going to taste.

You're like, this is going to taste like an asshole. I'm like, oh, I'm eating an asshole. I've never experienced it. I've only licked buttholes that taste good. You never eaten it? Really? I look so, I just lick buttholes all the time. Really?

Constantly licking butt holes. If I'm hugging up with a girl, I'm asking. You're a little Hershey kiss? Yeah. Yeah. That's where a single little turd falls out, like a little rabbit pellet of a turd. Sometimes that happens and then you have to put it back. Just like something that fell out.

Back we find it. Leave everything in its natural place. Yep. Take only photographs. Or else her father's going to find out. Yeah. Who's been, who's been eating, who's been reaching into my cookie jar? Yeah.

Who took daddy's little prize? Wait a minute. This is my mom. You had two, yeah. Did you do something to daddy? That's cool, man. Would you?

Having sex with your daughter is cool. What a flex. Yeah. How hot is your daughter to do that? I don't know. How many families will you think of actually fuck their daughter? A lot. There's the lead singer of the Mamas and the Pappas.

Yeah. I believe, who else? a couple of fucking famous people, dude. Morgan Freeman fucked his granddaughter. Really? Yeah. Look it up.

My phone's there. Hold on. I am so curious about this. Hold on. I'll look it up right now. I'm going to go ahead see that as the worst form of incest is to fuck your daughter. Dating granddaughter.

Yeah. Yeah. Rumors and unverified claims that Morgan Freeman was in a relationship with a step-granddaughter. Very important word in there. Step. oh, he actually did it. That is crazy. Yeah.

Like, I think a second cousin. I don't care about that. I do whatever. I mean, even first. Like, who, I mean, who really gives a fuck? The truth is, I don't care if you're doing over the pants stuff. Yeah. And you're only going to see him at a family reunion.

I don't care if people fuck their cousins. I don't care if people fuck their immediate family. I mean, it's not my business. Was I going to fuck them? If I was going to fuck him, then I'd have a problem. Then we have a problem. now you're cutting into my share. Right.

We're going to have a talk. Yeah, this is a pie chart where it's me getting a little bit of pussy. If I have no... Have at it. Go for it. Run. Play. What does he do?

And he's running. So they'll chase him. Yeah. Because he could take it. Yeah. A dark night. Boom. Boom.

Yeah. I have a friend who fucked his cousin. They were hooking up. And then they went to a family reunion. She's like, I'm going to a family thing. He's like, I'm going to the family thing. And ended up being the same family thing. That's so cool.

And they kept to pick it up. He's like, hey, you can't unfuck your cousin. I was like, it's good point. I mean, yeah, why not?

Yeah. That's fucking cool. I was like a distant. I mean, if anything, it's like, damn, okay,

well, maybe I have a little more incentive to go to a family reunion now. Yeah. You know? Because normally, I'm just like hanging out

like God. None of my cousins do drugs. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and say that's a very strong argument.

If you want a good family, have sex with all of them and it'll bring you a little bit. The family that lays together stays together. Incest? More like, more like wincest.

Yeah, I got a shirt one time for this comedian at incestry.com. It was very hack joke, but I remember I would... Killed. The shirts were flying off the fucking...

Oh, Yeah. In the South, brother? Yeah. Speaks volumes to them. Part of our culture. I locked that, man. Oh, yeah.

God damn. That's cool. That's cool. You ever see the Whitaker's like the most incestual family? And there's one that just like barks like a dog. Really? It's crazy. The guy, I actually like his stuff a lot.

Matt or Mark Vita, I think his name is. He was one that started soft wetter belly where he just interviews people on Skid Row and stuff like that. But he went to the Whitakers and it's like nuts. Damn. It's like it is, you thought they would all be like a sick Down syndrome family who's just all having a good time. Is that a thing? A Down syndrome family? Did they let them fuck?

I don't think we can stop them. I think they have like enough of their senses about them. that they can't. Like there was like that commercial that came out a few years ago where it's like if you think I can't drink alcohol then I can't drink alcohol. If you think I don't want to have sex

then I can't have sex. But maybe you give me that drink. Maybe I want to have sex. Just because I have Down syndrome doesn't mean I'm not down. Yeah. You know? Some guys share that he goes,

y'all can't be posted shit and get mad when I fuck one of them. Yeah. And it's fucking true, but it's also like it's not right to have sex with the Down syndrome person. No, that's why it's very funny when people are like, they're just like you and I go, really? Well, well, I can't fuck them. So they're not. Well, it's also there was that.

Rank capacity, but 12 year olds like the same thing as fucking. There was that love on a spectrum where a autistic guy was dating a Down syndrome girl. It's not fair. And they were like, this isn't, this isn't right. It's like, Elon Musk being like, if his new girlfriend had Down syndrome would be like, this is wrong. Or if intellectual. That's basically a problem. have ever or if like he dated a non-retarded woman they would all say like this is not right because

Elon Musk is clearly retarded yeah yeah that is funny if you were like autism because like how it works most people with intellectual disabilities a lot of them also have autism so people like my cousin's autistic and he's like super fucked up you're like yeah well that's different than like a typical person with autism it's not like so people were like oh you know autism is a disability you're like yeah but like Elon Musk like it's not like if somebody fucks him you're like you're fucking a retarded guy. Well, he's not fucking smart. He just...

No. He's not smart. He just buys businesses. Yeah. Like, he doesn't invent anything. He just buys and funds the things that have come around. Yeah, and everybody's like, he's building rockets. It's like, I don't know if he's funded.

He bought SpaceX. He's not like... He's like a movie producer where they're like, I was involved in all these projects. Like, you just funded it. It's like a marketing thing. God Appetow. Yeah. Yeah, people think he's like fucking Tony Stark.

Yeah. You know, but he's not. He's just like a fucking... fucking guy from Africa. Yeah, it was just kale. He's like a nasty ass fucking African dude. Dirty ass fucking immigrant, dude. An African immigrant dude.

Last time I checked, slavery's illegal, so we don't need you anymore. We got some expired fucking merchandise from a manufacturer that we're no longer in business with. No thank you. Elon Musk, go back to Africa. Go the fuck back to Africa. Yeah Go back to Africa Yeah

I mean I think he was I think he was Nazi saluting 100% Not that it wasn't It's like you mad That's how fucking lame he is He couldn't even make like the coolest move ever Look awesome

Yeah it does look sick Yeah dude The Nazi salute is like one of the coolest fucking Sick high What a fucking move That's so fucking He's like damn dude What do we have?

We have this fucking horse shit Yeah Come on dude throw it up That's a gang sign right there there. Yeah. Yeah, that's the funny thing too because he was like, yeah, no, it's my autism. I wasn't trying to do Nazis. Like a month later on Twitter, he's like, the white race will be gone by 2040 or something. Unless I fucking impregnate more women. Yeah, I just hate him so much. I like the self-driving car, but I guess you're right. That wasn't him. It's probably some other guy. And, and, you know, and if anything, he just ruins the brand. Yeah. Same as like he's like, he's probably, you know what? I bet he's going to try to like reinvent and be like, oh, actually I invented Twitter.

Yeah. And he just rebranded it. And he actually, because he had the domain X.com. for the longest time, and that's why he transitioned Twitter to X. I hate the name. I like Twitter. Twitter has its own fucking thing. Yeah. Once these things are fucking, like, once like these things go fucking live and they're shareholders and shit, that's when things get fucking awful, you know? Yeah, well, it's funny too, because I think what happened is very funny because I think

he was dog whistling to like white supremacists. But then all those people that like loved him and Trump now hate him because they're anti-Semitic. Yeah, yeah. It's such a funny rift where you have. like, because I think obviously Jews and Israel totally different. I don't believe in the whole they're getting together like, you don't?

No, I don't. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I don't think that. I think there's Jewish people and then there's Zionist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chelsea Handler, apparently. There you go. Great set of fucking boobers on her, huh?

They are incredible. It's like, everybody's like, look how old she is. I'm like, I would fucking stab my grandmother to have sex with Chelsea. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. Why not? And I would want her to be mean to me. I'd want her to be like, that is a microaggression. You cannot use that terminology around me.

I'm like, I'm sorry. I want to get molested by Chelsea Handler, but not in like a I'm vulnerable. I want her to be like, you're like, you're like the smartest kid and you're great. You're really cool. I'm like, thank you. Nice. Yeah. I'm not like, oh, what's going on?

I'm like, teach your fantasy. Yes, but I'm like, it's like, it's not like a consensual rape. Yes, but I'm, I'm just like, she's like, wow. When you fucking told that kid to go fuck himself was very cool and sexy. I was like, yeah, she's up. Yeah. She's like, oh my gosh, you're, you got the body of a grown man. It's because I'm 29.

I'm like, thank you. Nice. Yeah. So, Chelsea, if you're listening, please come molest me. And then let me watch in the corner. I don't think I'd have it any other way. Thanks, buddy. Man, that really means a lot to me.

Some people like to put up boundaries and shit. No. I hate that. It's for the world to see. Nice. Put it out there. Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.

We got to wrap up. I have been a delight. Thank you so much for coming on. I'm always happy to be here. Thank you for letting me be a part of the magic, man. Thank you for making this the most magical Saturday-esque Sunday ever. Ever. Yeah, no, I love this.

Genuinely, I know, I think the Zen kind of, this is why I'm going to quit, too. I think it makes me, like, serious. Uh-oh, why so serious in the name of that movie where I shot that person? Yeah, a lot of people forget that you did murder a movie theater full of people. I was the other shooter, but that other guy upstage me by looking like the actual Joker.

I was going to do that. Damn it. Damn it stole my fucking thunder. He was like, all right, this is the day. Fucking, uh, uh, uh, April 21st. I'm going to take a gun to school. And then April 20th, Columbine happened. He was like, fuck. Yeah. Back to the drawing board. Yeah. I mean, that guy was, the, the, the, what's it called shooter was crazy. His house was, like, bombed with like, his house was, like, rigged with explosives. So he was trying to kill, like, a bunch of cops, too, because they went to his house. And somehow they found out. Damn, that's cool. It's very cool.

They were fucking cool. I'm sorry. I think they would have spared us. Of course. I mean, we probably would have been in it. We would have been the fourth and third shooter. Yeah, I would have been dressed up like Batman. Let her go.

Yeah. They got that movie wasn't in 3D. Imagine just like you're like identifying your dad who got shot and he's just got fucking 3D goggles on. And you're like, that's, yeah. I mean, how many people in Batman costumes do you think they had to identify? either like he went in no no no no this is a little more Keaton he wasn't Keaton he was in the Adam West yeah we ever this was a Val Kilmer suit

yeah yeah yeah that's my my father hated Val Kilmer it was not his body I wouldn't have been him because I always thought of me so cool as we got dressed as Batman just beat the shit out of the guy but it turns out most people that dress like Batman are not strong tough people I would do it I'd stop them I'd stop him if I was at that theater things would have been a lot different I'm blinding all the Chinese people

out of the way Mugu Guy Pan Where could they Where they find you? As always You can find me online At Joe W. Gorman

On all social media platforms And gaming platforms Play a video game with me These are fun He's a treat All right Michael good comedy on Instagram Thank you for listening