Morning Good - The Least Informed Episode - Episode 246

Episode Date: November 24, 2024

David Dobbins and Paddy Defino join the show for today's episode. They talk about outsourcing, the Amazon position, and what Bin Laden got right.Thanks to David for coming on the show for the first time. Check him out at the links down below and check out Paddy on previous episodes of the show as well.David is on Instagram @pastor_dave_bless and has stand-up clips on YouTube as well. Paddy Defino is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to the morning. All right. We're here with David Gagins, not David Dobbins. That's right. David Gaggans is on here. What's up? Yeah.

And Patty Blasino. Surprise. Surprise at Paddy's on this one. The guests are like, really? He's never on this podcast every fucking week. Yeah, well, you know, I got nothing going on. I'll do your podcast, the guest's podcast. Me too.

Anybody out there, well, I'll do it. Yeah. All three of us. And you won't do it, whoever you are. Just give us the mics. Let us do your podcast. Like a real swap cast. Like this is just what we're, yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

Take a week off. Why not? You know, for them. Yeah. A week off, we fill in. We'll watch you. I love they need a week off my podcast as if they're listening, like, sweating, like, out of breath. Just like, I can't listen to them talking about fucking pedophiles again.

It's going to be, it's going to kill me if I have to listen to it. And we get to live in your house for a week. We just become you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three of us. Life swap. Life swap. We would get so much more done three of us as one guy. Yeah.

One guy doesn't get anything done. Actually, I don't know, we're three kind of lazy guys. That should be a thing because, like, at work, like, if you have a job, you can, like, use PTO or, like, take a time. So there is like a system for where you get picked. There should also be a system where you can pick a day and like three like Chinese guys show up and do your job. Yes, yes. And like so you get all your work done. But I feel like one Chinese guy could do three people's jobs.

Well, this is. Well, now we're getting nine times of productivity. Okay, that is true. Now we're almost 10xing. Now we're getting into. Yeah. But you know what? That's the thing is you might get fired after that.

Yeah. They might realize how little you do. Yeah. Dude, the whole, I mean, that really is the fucking truth. Like, nobody does anything. I work from home. I think it is less productive. Yeah, I feel like I should be, like, working, because I work from home a lot.

I should just hire a guy to sit up my computer and work for me for less than I make. Yeah. So then I'm just making money. My roommate does that. He hires people. He does marketing for people, but he'll hire someone else to do it. So then he's just the middleman. I've heard of this.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude. He outsource it to like India or something. He's real business. He's got business going on. He's got places to be. Yeah, I do. You know the Matrix, the code?

He's locked in. So he knows all about being the middleman, business this, outsource this. You know what I mean? So he's already got all that. People thought I was a businessman one time. I had to go to a wedding. So I wore like a suit. And I just wore a suit on an airplane.

People were like, what do you do? And I'm like, oh, I'm a stand-up comedian. And my day job is hiring Venezuelan workers for construction jobs. But I'm just wearing a suit, so I look like so... Right, right, right. Yeah. I'm a professional plain apprehender. Yeah, I'm going to be some suspect.

I'm going to take this bitch over and about five minutes. It was funny, too. You ever run out of play with somebody who just refuses to stop making bomb jokes? I met these two mechanics. They're very cool guys. But I don't just say that because they follow me, but I also say that expressively. When people follow me, I'm immediately like, cool person. I liked you.

I liked you if you're listening. But, yeah, they were just making... They're like, what do you think of a bloop? Like just making jokes like that. I get really nervous to people make plane blowing up jokes. Oh, dude, it's the word. Have you ever,

maybe I shouldn't say this? Say it. We can always cut it. Have you ever stole something at the airport? I like that you're getting out of frame for that. No, dude, I like,

I'm really like, I've only stolen a couple things, fucking hundreds of virginities. That's what I'm talking about? By what? Flying it into a tower? Yes. No return.

No, I've never, I've never was stolen a virginity. All sales are. final. You can't have it back. No, no. No, I, yeah, I've never

I stole a beer from Universal Studios. I think that's the only thing I've stolen in my whole entire life. I really Really? Besides hopping the subway it turns out, which I consider stealing. Have you ever been caught? Stealing, no.

I mean, hopping in turnstown? One time. And, yeah, I don't know. There was something where, like, I think I was helping an old lady out at the same time or something. hopped it and then I helped an old lady get in and then I like the cops saw me and they were like I yeah they gave you a ticket for helping an old

no no they didn't give me a ticket they were just like oh we we saw that you did that and you helped Andrew white so you're good wow she actually saved yourself yeah I am you made the crime but then you did a good thing made up for it yeah but then she we also both just got stole so it'd be funny if they just like tackle the old lady and like fucking put her head in the ground bro we're gonna yeah but her arms are so feeble she could slide out of the handcuffs. Yeah.

Dude, that's gonna be real tight, like an old lady. Those are the tiniest wrists in the world. Yeah. You could probably just like take their shoes off and they're under arrest.

Yeah, yeah. They like, go anywhere. What am I gonna do? Their shoes are doing 90% of the work though. Yeah. Dude,

I always see old people in New York City and I'm like, who's letting you, did your whole family just abandon you? Because like you're on the subway with, she's like an old lady. She has like,

10 bags of shirts. And it's always, dude, especially New York, I think people are just more hunched. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody, every old person, like, and they always have a limp. Yeah, yeah. A limp and a hunch.

Everyone's just broken. Yeah, and I'm like, why are you not, like, on a beach in Florida dying? Like, you should not be dying in New York. Like, you're on the subway while there's, like, a homeless guy, like, yelling at people and smoking. Like, you should not be in the same universe as this person. This is so dangerous for you.

They're kind of invisible to the homeless, though. That's so true. I don't think, like, the homeless detect them, because they have like some weird sonar. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I've never seen a homeless guy harassed. Yeah, they're like dogs.

They can like, they like can smell death and stuff. But old ladies are like apples to dogs where you like put it in front of a dog. Yeah, and it just doesn't compute. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, I don't know. I've never seen one time I don't care how many times did this. I always say that every time I've said something a thousand times. Whatever.

I saw this guy hit backup and like bump this old lady with his car and she like fell over. And then he was like trying to get her to like walk it out. He's like she's completely fine. He was like trying to justify. He's like I barely even hit her. Like it's like not even a big deal. Everybody's like, dude, this is like really bad. But in a way, in a way that is justified.

Because listen, old people are hitting people with cars all the time. That's true. You got to even out the field. Dude, I was going to Planet Fitness by my house one day. And this is a crazy neighborhood. There's a hospital. There's like two major roads. there's a train above.

It's just a crazy intersection. So shit's just going down. People are always j-walking. It's just a shit show. I walk in and the guy's like, did you see what happened? And I'm not paying attention. I'm like, what are you talking about?

He's like, dude, someone got decapitated. What? Oh, my God. He's like, this old lady was driving. She wasn't looking. Something happened. She didn't see. Took a guy's head off.

Also, was she flying through the sky? Yeah. How did that level work? I don't know. Was he sitting down? I have no idea. Maybe she was on a raise to be. You know what?

I think heads just pop off easier than people think they do. Like Legos. It's a strength of the carrots. He was like standing at the edge and he had just, you know, he was just in the hospital. Right. Yeah. They just screwed his head back on. And they were like, he had this terrible.

There could be a pickle jar situation where you almost had it. And he just sneezed last thing and shoot. His head went into the intersection. He was already loose with it. Yeah. He's already loose. So it would be very careful leaving here. Yeah.

I know how you like to be very active and take jolty moves. Make sure your head doesn't pop off. That's the, that's the danger of too much yoga. Okay? You get too much yoga. Dude, I saw I got the gym doing this shit with like a band.

He had like a band in a send and he's cranking it. Yeah. Good Lord, man. I feel like I'm really good at like knowing where my head is in proximity to other thing. That is a good skill because I hit my head on fucking everything. I never hit my head. I have a big head. For little kids, they do not know where their head is.

They don't know where anyone's head is. They know where the heart is. No, not even, bro. They'll swing that racket, bro. They'll hit anybody, dude. It's really bad. You don't realize what kids know, like, three-year-olds, four-year-olds, they don't know where this. They don't know where anyone is.

No, yeah. Also, a tennis rack is pretty big. Oh, yeah. It's big. It's metal. Yeah. And they love it. Yeah, how many kids hit other kids?

Oh, it's not. You have to, because you have to be like, hug the racket. Everybody hug the racket. Everybody, because they're like, otherwise, they just want to bang it on something. They just want to. Yeah.

Back to this decapitating head thing when my sister first moved to the city, she said, this was like in Bushwick. She said that she was at her apartment and there was a guy who lived in her apartment who was like, wanted to commit suicide. So he tied a chain around his neck

and then tied it to the firehouse. hydrant and just full speed drove down the road. Oh my God. Dude, there's only one song you can do with that. Sweet emo.

Oh, my God. He was in a car? Yeah, he was driving. And so he just left the door open, let the chain out. Yeah, I think he left the window open and then just like, shh.

But you know the fight part? There's got to be, that's such a setup. There's got to be like nine people walking by watching him do that. Yeah, that's a long shot. Yeah, it's like the start of a need for speed. Sorry, yes.

Yeah. No, it's so crazy. That's like how, isn't how they'll kill people like it? No, you do a horseback, right? You have the horse go running with the guy on the back of the horse. I think they tie their limbs to each to like four different horses.

And then they just have them run in different directions. Well, that was one. But then I think the other one is like what they do is they have you sit on a horse and then they put the noose around you. Oh, you drag you. Yeah. And then they drag you through the town square. Oh my. No, no, no. You're attached to a tree. So the horse is just like what's supporting you at that height.

Oh, the horse is holding the... Yeah. And then they get a sexier horse with a nice horse pussy, and they get her over there, so the horse gets excited. He runs away to get pussy, and you fall off, yeah. But it's tough because you've got to find, like, you don't know what horse the other horse is going to think is hot. Yeah. Because now you're doing a judgment of which are the sexiest horses.

But we always forget those people, they didn't have cancer. What do you mean? They didn't have it as tough as us. No, no, it's way harder nowadays. Way harder. The internet. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Forget about it. They didn't have hazing. Yeah. They didn't have cyberbullying. Yeah, yeah, we're the hardest everybody's ever. What about gluten? Yeah. I guess they had gluten.

They didn't have more comedians. They had less gluten probably. Less comedians. They didn't have to deal with the algorithm. Oh, my God. Yeah. Microplastics? Yeah.

Come on, bro. We're suffering, man. I'm slowly dying. Totally from the inside. You know, they actually had to invent the car at a certain point because there was someone who was so fat that the horse could not do that. And they're like, yeah, we could kill them up. We can kill somebody with this car.

So with great tragedy, does come great innovation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an important. That's a fact. That's how we're going to fix global warming. It is. Okay.

Can't fix something that's not reed. Why don't we treat global warming like we treat a hot bowl of soup where we just put a bunch of ice cubes in the water? Yeah, that's a good idea. We got ice makers. We got ice makers. We got to cut off. We'll donate a few trades.

Why don't we do a giant refrigerator in the, uh, Where is where North Pole? Is that what's going on? Yeah. It's a North Pole going on? Is that still going on? It's still happening.

Your Jamie, check that out. Is North Pole still happening? I don't even know if that's still going on. I haven't heard anything from the polls. I know, yeah. I haven't heard of peep. Yeah. Not commentant on global warming.

If that's where it is, right? Yeah. Well, he got shut down working conditions in the shop. Oh, okay. Not good. Global warming is a tech. technically everywhere. But I also heard he outsources to India, just like you were saying, or he outsources to China

the work. His calls are in India. Exactly. The call center, the letters go to his assistant, they read it. Yes. But it's a five or sit. Yeah. It's someone like Indonesia reads it.

Right. Translates it poorly. You get the wrong gift. Call customers. Yeah. Just a whole Chinese elf. Yeah. Thank you for calling Santa Workshop.

You were going to say something about the workshop before we catch you off. Santa Claus, Melton Polar Ice caps. Oh, the Polar Ice, the poles have shifted. So the North Pole is now the South Pole? No, they're slightly off because they move around all the time, because I guess it's like magnetic. I don't know what the pole is. The pole is like the direct like center where everything is like spinning.

So if like you were to spin a basketball on your finger, that would be the South Pole. Okay. So that's what I thought. What is like, I should be a teacher. Why am I doing this? But isn't the Earth on axis a little bit? It is on an axis. Isn't it?

Isn't it on an axis? It is. So wait, so is the pole still here or is the pole here? Well, I guess the pole would be here and here. Oh, okay. It's rotating like this. Right, but how does it shift if it's? That's a great question.

Okay. And you just don't have the energy. I think it has something to do with magnetism. It's gravity and the moon and the tides. Yeah, yeah. So it's only shifted like a little. I'm a sad job. I can't.

I hate to shut things down. I don't want to. I had a whole discussion about this before where I had a set. You're a Sagat terrorist? I'm a Sagittor. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Again. I want to kill Job complete. Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't know. I just, I don't, I don't. I just get exhausted with the, the, the, I hate shutting ideas down. I like to, I'm just a real free speech platform, okay?

You know, we kind of, we're telling how it is. Yeah, tell it how it is. The truth, fucking. A lot of people want to shut us down. CNN's always like fucking morning good podcast is out of control. And I'm like, you're just mad that we got way more viewers than you guys. Yeah, they're selfish, man. Yeah, they're so salty.

It's that old media, man. Because this is where people get their news from. Exactly. They don't want to, they don't, who wants to read fucking New York Times anymore? It's so biased. Fox is fucking full of shit. They're just trying to get the, but this is where you come to get, you learn about the North Pole. You learn about the Chinese elves.

You got to go to Roblox, too, to get good news. What's Roblox? It's like Minecraft. Okay. That's where the info's going. Yeah. Everyone's pretty plugged in on Roblo. Are they competitors?

Minecraft and Roblox? Yes. Like Pepsi Coke, you kind of choose? Yeah, I would say they're almost exactly like Pepsi Coke. Okay. And so like one person who loves Roblox, they go, I'm not going to touch Minecraft. I'm not touching Minecraft. Yeah, I don't like that.

Minecraft is Coca-Cola. Right, right, right. Because that was first. Uh-huh. and then Roblox, the better tasting one, in my opinion. Delicious. My dad was talking to how Mexican Coke is apparently better because they use, like, real sugar.

Cain sugar? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Mexican everything is better. Yeah, yeah. Armadas. Women. Maybe not, like, government infrastructure.

Maybe. I think things are kind of overrun there. I don't know. I don't know what's happening with the cartel, because from my understanding, the cartels are running things, but I'm like, how much are they real, like, is the president, like, concerned about the car like what is the level of that well i think he might get whacked okay so he's just

like if he does it if he steps out of line and starts doing stuff that really fucks with them yeah i think there's a threat of like we're gonna get rid of buddy oh dang dude i think it's also called the cartel so you think they'd like tell what's going on yeah yeah yeah spill the details right they're very secret it's not called the car secret yeah it would be funny if like they were just selling like weed like but they're not yeah yeah yeah no it's It's a lot more. It's all the fun stuff. Yeah, I don't know.

Is fentanyl big in the cartels? Probably, right? Yeah. I do believe there's an intentional. I think the fentanyl thing's completely intentional. What kind of died out? I feel like I haven't heard of anybody. Well, I think everyone is probably dead who would come in contact with fentanyl.

That's a good point. I think it got them all. It was like, or your tolerance is just so high. It was like the original me too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the first wave. The crowd a bunch of people. And now it's like everybody's learned. since then and now it's like you say that though but like nobody real i mean i fucking did drugs

like three weeks ago that did not test for fentanyl she's like are you sure there's no fentanyl on it it's like yeah yeah i don't know how it's i think it was like a cheaper alternative to like cut drugs totally totally and that makes sense but i also think like i do believe in the whole thing that like china would purposely push fentanyl here too because it's all coming from china like if you want to destroy an empire you would fucking yeah much of fentanyl but i don't know it kind of make more sense to like, I don't know if fentanyl is the best idea. It'd be more sense to like push something that's not going to kill you. I don't know. Is it better to kill? We're about to get hit with a question. Is it better? Like, you're China, right? Okay. Okay. I know you're

good at this. I like me. Yeah, I know you do. You nail China whenever you do it. So you're China, right? Yeah. Okay. You better speak like China. what I'm saying is you're trying to wipe out America as an empire. Do you kill a bunch of people with opiates? Because that kind of scares people from the fentanyl. Now they're like oh, I don't want to do drugs. Or do you make something its reputation isn't as scary, and then you get him hooked on it?

If I was China, I would create like a softer opiate and it would kind of like slowly deteriorate people. OZempic. Yeah, OZempic. Oh, my God. Ozepic is China. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, yeah. Well, maybe the microplastics. You know, maybe it's, uh, No, I honestly, it's honestly, TikTok is the answer.

Yeah, yeah. TikTok is the answer. Every time there's like a weird cultural shift, like you look at TikTok, like, that's where like the bin Laden is hot and trans or whatever his like that thing was where bin Laden is trans. That's not it. But like bin Laden was like cool and like hot daddy or whatever like. Interesting.

For a while on TikTok. Yeah. And then like same thing with like the you're losing all your rights as a woman thing. that was big on TikTok. Okay. So those are the things that are... This seems like an angled... Stark's outrage.

You know, it's like makes people feel crazy. Well, my thing is, I think that Bin Laden is hot. So... I mean, there's no... We're doubting his skin is a very... A beautiful olive. It's the perfect. He's gorgeous, and he's tall.

He's tall. He is tall. Yeah, but I don't like that. That's fake hotness. That's like just being... like not look, look, but then sometimes being blonde just makes a woman look hot. I think that's what being tall is for a guy.

Oh, it's like a blonde guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about a blonde tall guy? No, no, no, no. I'm saying for women. Like, like, a blonde woman, like, sometimes a woman isn't hot, but she's blonde and you go, oh, that's a hot woman just because she's blonde. Right.

But it's just kind of like a fake kind of. It's extra, automatic extra points. Right, but I, like, yeah, well, your brain just thinks like, oh, that's a hot woman because she's blonde, but that's not necessarily true. I think that's the same thing with tall guy. I'm just saying that as like an average height guy. I'm like, it's bullshit. He doesn't even matter.

It's not really special. Yeah. I'm not doing it, thank you. Yeah. But I was saying something about fucking TikTok that I forgot. I don't remember what I was saying. Bin Laden, dude, I saw watch a documentary about his hard drives. Have you guys seen that?

Oh, he had cars on there, right? Car. Well, he had, like, weird pictures. He had, like, um... Did he have, like, Opie and Anthony? Yeah, he had... That's awesome. He had...

This Patrice O'Neill, very funny guy. He had a picture of that kid from that show, even Stevens, that kid beans or whatever? Wait, he just had a picture. That kid. He had weird pictures. And then there was like, there was porn on there, which was like very, you're not supposed to be watching porn.

But then they also had a theory that they hid secret messages in porn, where if you had a certain software downloaded, you opened that video or whatever, it would show you an encoded message. So I might, I'm, I mean, I've watched so much porn. So I've probably gotten Al-Qaeda propaganda. You think so you. That's why I'm saying. That's why I'm like, yeah, maybe bin Laden is hot.

Are you bragging about watching the same porn as Osama bin Laden? Hey, man, great minds. Great minds. Jack alike. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he is a genius. No, I think, but I'm like, if you're saying into American porn they were hiding it? Well, it does, I don't know. They're not watching.

They're not making porn in Saudi Arabia, are they? Probably, maybe, maybe a couple guys. What is Saudi Arabia? Is it like the polls? Saudi Arabia. That's like a vague. term for the belief, right? It is. It's not, Saudi Arabia isn't a specific

country, is it? I think it is. I think it's a country. I don't, I don't believe this. I'm pulling the phone out. I don't think Saudi Arabia. I don't. I don't think. I think Saudi Arabia is just kind of like, when you say like, New England. I think you're thinking of like Arabian or like, because that's like a kind of a group of people, but

yeah, I think. And it, and it crosses multiple. It's like New England or the South. It might be a domicile. It might be a domicile. What's that? I don't know. Look that up.

I don't think anybody, this might be the least informed episodes. I want to get some domicile of those podcasts. But Lottin did have a lot of wives. Did he have a lot of them. And he used to send him his speeches to be like, you think this is any good? No, I swear to God. I swear to God, he did that. That's so funny to be like, you can't drive a car, but is my speech?

Yes, he would confer with them. And there was one especially that he really was like, she's my, she's going to help me out. Wow. That's pretty cool. You guys are completely wrong. Saudi Arabia is a vague term for a couple countries in which. Michael has the biggest penis. Shut up.

You guys are completely right. It's an actual. I was hoping it was a domicile. I don't even think Bin Laden was in Saudi Arabia. What? I don't even think he was in Saudi Arabia. Well, I think he was like, Afghanistan.

I think they found him in. Yeah. I think. Yeah. Now, that is another theory that we went over there. And that's where the opium sort of like, that's sort of where the opiate crisis started. Because like we took over basically, uh, I think the one thing Al Qaeda did that was good, one of the many good things that Al Qaeda did.

This is the morning good podcast. This is also the take of the news from bed podcast. What Al Qaeda did right. Yeah. Patty once a week's just like, dude, I'll tell you what they did right. They, uh, they were like anti, they shut down. all the poppy fields. And then when we like,

when we went in there, the poppy fields, I believe, reopened. Yeah, why would they, we're not shut them down? Why don't they just control them, make all the money?

Well, because it's like, it's like a, in Muslim Islam. You clearly saw me catch myself. In Muslimism. Right. In Islam.

Like you're not, I don't think you're supposed to be doing opiates. No drugs. I like the, couldn't you just spin it and say, hey man,

just give it. it to the dirty westerners. They'll do the drugs. We'll make the money. None of the good. Yeah, but it's like you got a bunch you got fucking poppy fields. You think your boys aren't going to get in that. Like, you know, it's like, they're like, this is literally impossible for us not to. I know. But that's what China's doing with fentanyl, so I don't

know. Islam, don't they have rules about don't kill and be nice and all the general stuff. Yeah, but okay. And they got over that. They got over those rules. Right, right. You know what I mean? So I feel like you can get over whatever. There's got to be no beheading people rule.

Yeah, that's got to be. There's got to be a rule in there. Yeah. I like the phrase like shut down the poppy fields. As if like you're pulling a lever, all the plants are like, shoo. That's like what your dad would say when like you're, I don't know, you're being too loud upstairs. You're like whacking off. Shut it down.

Oh, totally, totally. Hey, shut down the poppy fields up there. Shut that down. Poppy fields al-Qaeda. Because I also talked to some guy who said he knew this vet who was like, oh yeah, I think there was like a giant. Inside the Taliban's war on drugs. opium poppy field slashed. Oh, and we were talking about Al-Qaeda, but this is the Taliban.

Those are different squads. Yeah. Is Al-Qaeda a guy? Like weird al-Qaeda? Albert Kida, hi. Let's see. The man belonged to Taliban. 22, Taliban Supreme Leader, I'm not even going to try to pronounce that.

Hall-la-La-la-la-la-de-decreed that cultus. I don't think that was it. The cultivating of poppy from which opium, the key and ingredient drug heroin was practically prohibited. A talapin spokesman. That's very funny. I'm a spokesman for the Taliban. I mean, I guess I am at this point. The BBC is now

trailed Afghanistan and used satellite analysis. They examine the effects of the direct. We found huge poppy growth major. Yes, basically since the Taliban left or whatever's going on there, poppy field's coming back. But then I think isn't Iran is where we left.

That's where Al-Qaeda is, right? Because Al-Qaeda Is that what's going on? I don't know what. I don't know. It's normally I say it's more fun to try to figure things out and not have experts on this. Right, right. Yeah, I don't even know where to be. Yeah, I'm not really a geopolitics guy.

I think, well, then it was al-Qaeda. It was the Taliban and then it was ISIS. Yeah. I think ISIS is... By the way, thousands of American citizens died for me to have no idea what the fuck is going on. Like so many people. Their lives have been destroyed. They are living with constant PTSD.

And I'm like, I think that's the one with the diners. 11 stuff. I don't know. We didn't even know the difference. We were mixing up al-Qaeda and Taliban. All the time. In the text books, they're so focused on like, oh, you know, Nixon said this. How about now?

Yeah. I still think of Archer when I think of ISIS. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, so how bad could it really be? Yeah, no. They're just goofing around. They're all good guys. Everybody comes from a good point.

I can see the good in everybody. Boys will be boys. Yeah. Yeah, I will say, like, you're, talking about like the, I don't know, you got to join a terrible group, right? Which one are you joining? Like a terrorist group? Okay, so. When you say terrible, I think it's pretty much chosen for you. Okay, yes, but like, let's say you could change race. So either you could be in, you got to be in the Taliban. They seem

very strict. Yeah. The neo-Nazis, the Klu Klux Klan, the ISIS. I don't want to like, you don't want to love it. I don't want to like. I don't want to love it. I don't want to choose. Improve the stature of neo-Nazis. But I feel like they're not as bad as the Ku Klux Klan. Interesting. Now, did you see there's a video of them coming out recently? Are they kind of the same, though?

I feel like they're kind of the same, but as soon as you put a costume on, it's like, yeah, but they got little things. Dude, I will say this. Marching and berets or something. What are they wear? They're not a hero. They're not. They're batches for like just mean things.

No, I think it's like the craziest They're like upgraded now Which is like kind of annoying because the villains always look Fucking cool. It's so frustrating They're they literally, I'm not even kidding, let me show you this picture You go boss This is like the craziest thing you ever seen There's these Nazis like going through Ohio recently

And this is what they fucking Dude tell me that it They look like they're in mortal combat dude Yeah that is that is definitely mortal combat gear They have they have like the Pushai-Sty mask With like red Red bandanas over the They look like

It looks like they have swastika throwing stars. I honestly feel like the reason there are neo-Nazis is not because of the ideology, but because of the symbol. Like the actual logo is so cool. Yeah, symmetry. Cemetery looks cool. Pentegrams are cool, too. Well, they took it from Indian culture.

That's where it comes from. Yeah. Yeah. That's their biggest racial crime is cultural appropriation. They took it from that Indian sex book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like the position. The Karma Sutra?

Yeah. They got it from that. I ordered a copy of it. I couldn't even open the book. The pages were all stuck together. Save a little money, though. I do want to kind of look into that. I tried to check it out one time I was in college

and I was going home drunk with this girl and we were like, let's stumble in the library and we're like, it would be really funny if we try to check out a copy of the Kamasutra from like the school library. And they were just like, we don't have that and get out you're drunk. Thought it would be funny.

There's probably an app now. Yeah, we could just look up fun's exposition. But I was just like, It'd be so cool for me to be like one second, just like flipping through the scrolls. I got like a candlelight or something like that. I'm like looking through ancient texts, trying to figure out how to bang this trick. Yeah. Yeah, when I do sex, I do like four positions.

Yeah. And that's pushing it. Yeah. Just get your staples. It's like you're a pitcher. Like if you have, the more pitches you have, the less effective each one is. That's true. If you're a fastball change-up kind of guy, just doggy style missionary.

Really perfected. Yeah. Yeah. Like four of them. I think missionary is... You're botching, you know, nine of them. Yeah, you're trying to keep her off balance. It's like, come on.

Just stick to the basis. I kind of agree with that. Yeah, I am a weird sex guy, but the position-wise should stay the same. It's kind of like, it's just like fucking the missionary makes sense, the doggy makes. But I think the best one is the speed bump. It's like laying down doggy. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Because then it's like less people are doing less work. You don't have to like... Right. Yeah, but outside of that, I'm not doing... The leg up thing doesn't really do my. It's just kind of all, yeah. What about the one where the girl, where you're laying on your back and the girl Oh, the Amazon one?

Picks both of your legs on. Oh, I want that so bad, dude. What's that one? It's like, it's like a baby state, changing baby station. Yeah, there's one. That's called must in somebody. There's one, there's this big Amazon woman, just like, there's that one guy. I think his name is Jody.

He's like skinny guy with a giant dick. He's in all his porn. He's like a little guy. But he's a girl, he's a grown man. he's a grown man. I'm not describing child porn in this podcast. He's a tiny little guy. No, he's a grown man.

Okay. But with an adult penis. Did I say that? No. Yeah. But it's like, there would be videos like that where it's like just like giant woman like holding him upside out and sucking his dick or something like that.

Oh my God. You look concerned. That's my favorite kind of porn. I like the woman being. She's holding them up like this? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like an American girl. old doll. Yeah. Yeah. She's like jacked or what? Yeah. Usually some Amazon woman. Laura Jensen, RIP.

She is still alive, but she's like super religious now. Yeah. It doesn't contribute to my life anymore. Her porn career is died. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, there's a. Your life's so much better now.

And I'm like, fucking bitch. There's a girl I went to high school with who was just on Adam 22 Savage's podcast. Whatever his name is. Yeah. Basically. For a sucker back. Wait, Adam 22 Savage.

Is that a combination of the guy? tries to prove everything wrong? Isn't his name? No, that's Mythbusters. Oh, no, I was thinking of Adam ruins everything. Oh, okay. Conover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do I know his name? Oh, that guy.

Yeah, there was, there was a little on that podcast. I went to high school with it. She got so good at sucking dick. What's her name? Her name is like Savannah, something? Come on, you got to know the last. I know the last. I'm not saying the last name.

You can know what's the porn name. I don't know her porn name. She got so good at it that, what, like she just blew up on Onlyfans? Yeah. He's like, I've got to have you on my podcast with my wife, and you're going to suck my penis. So, uh,

what's your favorite part of the penis to suck? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. It's cool. It's cool. We're going to have a rapper coming here, too, that nobody's heard of. And he's going to talk about some beef.

Yeah. I, uh, electric bit. That was like, I'm looking for the routes. I'm like, I don't even know how to do Adam 22. Yeah, I have no idea how to get into that. But, uh, the fucking, um, yeah, that's exciting. Yeah, it is pretty cool.

But she's not like super hot, you know? You always think it's going to be the hottest. It's the same thing with comedians. You always think it's going to be like the funniest kid in your high school to be a comic. Yeah, that guy's dead now. That's how that works. Yeah, that guy was so funny, he killed. Yeah.

Yeah, he did what Robin Williams did at 50 when he was like 17. And that's how that works. But, yeah, no, this fucking, I met, I met like one porn star. And she, it was like, I met her at a party. And then my buddy became friends with her. he was trying to win her over without, like, I don't know, he was doing a weird, like, he was like, now I'm just gonna be her friends

and not make a move. I was like, I'm gonna introduce her to God. Yeah, yeah, I was like, good luck. I don't know if that's gonna work. Good luck. But, yeah, her name is Haley Reach. She's like pretty big. But she looked like fine in person,

but I think the makeup artists in porn are just like the best artists involved. Like, they just know. It's not even just that they're makeup artist, but their makeup artist for the male eye. So that's why it's like, every guy's just like, holy fuck. Yeah.

But, like, I feel like if, like, a woman did porn, you know what I mean, like her... I always felt that the outfits they wear in porn are really bad. Interesting. I think they're really unattractive a lot of times. Like, those, like, soup, those, like, corset kind of things and, like... Interesting. And the color, sometimes they'll wear, like, a purple. I'm like, purple.

Yeah, yeah. Like, wear, like, black or red, you know? But purple, I like the bright color porn. I don't like, I don't like dark stuff. Like, I don't like dungeons. I don't like. like like, I don't like dungeons. No, no, but I'm saying like, like, I don't

like black leather. I don't like black leather. I kind of like to wear it's like some chick wearing like a blue shirt and. Well, yeah, if it was like a tank top, like a tube top kind of situation, that would be great. Yeah, you should wear wardrobe for pornography. I should. Yeah, yeah. And I'm going to just take this, I'm going to make like a big scene. I'm going to take all the clothes and just throw them away. Yeah, yeah. It'd be like the wardrobe

is your body. Yeah, I also like, I remember like what I like was looking for a day jobs for a little bit like because I want one that like doesn't care if I have a podcast like this where I say I think ISIS is great or whatever I was saying earlier. Yeah. But so I was like let me look at like porn jobs. I was just like looking. I was like maybe there's like a porn job like me not doing porn but like somehow behind the scenes. Yeah. Just like maybe like I don't know. You're the, the ball shot guy. Yeah. You know that guy that they station underneath like. Yeah. Yeah. Where it's just like a man's ass and nuts. Yeah.

That used to be like a quintessential shot that you had in every porn movie. Yeah, they were really into that. Yeah. They, the complaints were voiced, though. I think the porn industry really heard it. You know what that is? I think that's,

if you're the guy in the porn and you're editing your own shit, I feel like you put that in. Because you're like, check that out. Check that out. That's pretty sick. But I feel like if a third party is editing, they're never putting that in.

No. They're never putting in the ball shot. Like, no one needs this. No, they wouldn't even put it. camera down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, if you're, you know, you're too close to it.

If it's your work, you're like, look at that. Yeah, that is true. Yeah. You can't be like a Mel Gibson in porn where you're like, I wrote the script. I'm starring and end up filming. Trust me. This needs to be it. Yeah, yeah.

That is always funny when you see like, now it's just like, I can't go on Facebook. I'll tell them not to, all my Facebook are porn stars on podcast talking about porn. I'm like, I'm so exhausted with this. Oh, it's bad. So there's a thing now. Oh, I'll say, I'll say don't recommend. this to me and they'll be like, fine, we'll find 500 other porn stars and we'll recommend those to you.

Instagram, they have a button now. You can click where it'll wipe your whole search page. Oh my God. I'll wipe it. So you can get rid of it. My Instagram's good. It's Facebook. It's a lot of Facebook. Yeah, yeah, I go in there a lot, yeah. My God. I don't know. Let's see my... Why do you choose Facebook? Oh, I don't know. That was Tim Walts is a robot. I don't know what was going on there. I do want to see that later. I think you need a button that just wipes your entire brain. Oh, that'd be good. Yeah, I might need to start it over completely just with life.

Reset. Clean slate. No, I'm like weirdly, I mean, it's mostly the orangutans, dude. Oh, oh, so fucking sweet. Dude, I love orangutans and passion. Um, no, I'm, in general, though, I'm doing, like, better than I've ever been doing in life. Not financially, I think I have, like, no money. Like, I think. I have no money. Yeah, randomly, money will come in, like, from comedy shows. It's so funny. Just like, months behind, I'll just get, like, $40. I'm like, sweet. It looks like, I'm going on the date tonight. But yeah, no, I don't know. I'm just like in a good mood.

I don't know. It's like, yeah, I don't know. I'm really, really happy. That's good. Yeah, yeah. What do you think doing differently? That's helping. I have fucking OCD and I haven't been like giving into the compulsion.

Really, like, the truth is I just haven't been giving a fuck about a single thing. Besides like work and like trying to move forward in comedy. But like, yeah. I don't know. I've been like drinking more than usual. Over the last month, the last weekend I slowed down a little bit. But I don't know. I just like, maybe it's the holidays coming up.

I don't know. I'm just like, I'm just like genuinely happy. Because usually people are, they're not getting as much sun. They're going into their depression. I've been getting no sunlight. And I'm feeling fantastic. Oh my God. It's amazing.

I have no idea what's going on. But like the last like month and a half, I've been like solid. You sleep and more? Sometimes. I did something crazy. I took a fucking 4 a.m. to 8 a.m. bus to fucking Boston. No.

last week. That was crazy. No. For your shows or what? Yeah, because I had a midnight show here. And then I had a lot of time to spare it. So I went to a diner. This was the most me day I ever had. Went to a diner. I wanted to sleep on the bus. So I took a Kalanapen, which is basically like a Xanax. What? Got cake at a diner, some beers and just watched orangutan documentaries.

I was like, this is kind of like... What is interesting a lot of orangutans? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got like a cake. It's like the John Daly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like things you should not be putting in here. You're fucking, yeah, but I was just like, I don't know, but it was really interesting. Give me the birthday.

Yeah. The 21st birthday special. Just doing whatever he does and fucking, oh, was at the whale. I'm just like killing myself with like fucking food and shit. Oh, my God. But, yeah, it was really crazy being in a 4 a.m. diner in New York City. You forget that you're like, holy shit. You're like, you see like a mailman like sleeping in there.

You're like, it was really fascinating just to be in there and see what was going on. I've done that. I forgot you could just hang out. I forgot there's no, like, diners you can hang out in for hours. Yeah. Yeah, they don't give a shit. Except the remedy diner. Have you been there?

No. They try to get you out. Those waitresses, like, fucking hate your guts when you walk in there. Really? Super busy all the time? Sometimes, but, like, I've been there when there's, like, nobody else there. They're, like, giving me an attitude. I'm like, your food makes me sick every time.

It is pretty good. It's pretty good. They got good. They got good, like, chocolate milk. But it's never going to make you fit. It's never going to make you feel. Yeah. Someone got like a buffalo. It's like right by

Black Cat, like kind of in that area. Okay. But it's like they had a buffalo chicken wrap that someone got. I forget who got it. But you ate, like I tried it. It doesn't taste like anything you've ever had. It tastes like a radioactive heat. Oh, yeah. Like it's like a synthesized

thing. And it, dude, it just like tears knots in your stomach. Yeah. And you get that every time? Every single time. I'll make some mistakes like that where I'll just continually do something that makes my body go out No, and then halfway through

I step outside and I smoke a cigarette And when I'm just about done I have to put it out and sprint Into the back bathrooms in there And take like a hot radioactive shit Good Lord You know how their bathrooms too We're like metal doors and stuff

You ever use their bathers? I haven't used the bathroom there I think I used to get the casidia I would get a cassidia when I went there Oh okay And it had like steak and jalapinos in it. That's a piss me out about that bodega. They're like, we can't do cassidias. I'm like, first off,

you guys are Mexican. There's tortillas. Yeah, they got everything. Yeah, they can do wraps, but they cannot do cassidias. I was like, you just, just sit on the wrap. Just like literally step on it with your feet. Yeah. It's done. It's a panini. It's just... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, maybe they don't have the like

the... Thing. Yeah, but they have pininis, don't they? I don't know. I don't think they do. The worst ones that want to cross from there. Oh, my God. God, yeah. What happens over there?

They opened a new bodega across from, right across the street. It might be the worst one I've been to my life, too. It's like, literally, every time I go in there, like, they'll be, I was like, can I get chicken? They go, okay. And they, like, look around for three minutes. Like, okay, one second. And it's not like, I walk out. And I'm like, now it's just me alone in the store.

All the guys are, like, going to get chicken from another boutet. I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? One time. He has to leave to get chicken. Yeah. And there's a whole grill there? Yeah, first of like, I could just rob you. Oh, my God.

He's middlemanning. he is he's middleman the business you buy it from the guy across sell it for a markup yeah doesn't have to cook literally one time i ordered no joke i ordered like a like a chicken parm sub there they gave me on a sub roll bacon avocado and mustard that's not even eatable it was the most

eatable is not the word is it what's the word edible there we go i took a bite and i was like what How fuck is it? Like, I think he was just like, all right, we don't have chicken parm. Right. So what we're going to do is, you know how like, you know how like if you're like making a color at like lows or whatever?

You gotta add shit in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of just like try to create the flavor from like a different. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, we're going to get there in a roundabout way. We're going to get there. And he's like, as long as he doesn't look at the sandwich or taste. You're fine, yeah.

He's going to be fine. Dude, I think I think it was that one maybe. I've been to one where I asked, Panini. They're like, do you want to heat it up? They go, yeah. And so they just put, like, they cut the panini in half and just put the exposed meat down. So the only part getting heated

is where the fucking, you get what I'm saying? Like, imagine you cut a panini in half and then you just... Oh, you put it like on its side, like a DVD? And just heated the bottom. But I was like, what the fuck? You think I want to just burn my mouth on this? And they just have the cold rest of the panini. It's fucking insane.

That is insane. It was completely insane. I'm like, what is happening? I think it was somewhere else. I also had one time went to a place and I asked for a Philly cheesecake and they gave me a bacon sandwich one time

and this is... Yeah, what is up with that? A bacon sandwich also is like, it's... I've never had a BLT. How often is it that they didn't understand

you or didn't hear you or is it that, yeah, they just ran out of stuff. They ran out of stuff and they don't want to ask you, hey, we don't have this. What would you like and it's too much time?

Yeah, yeah. And they just start throwing... Oh, this is about to go bad. Yeah, yeah. This is, we got... Nobody's taking any of this. We got... I don't get rid of this.

Dude, the amount of, like, the health standards of, like, a bodega are, like, insane. Oh, bottom, bottom. But my room, who's now my roommate, but he was just visiting us before I moved to New York, he went to this deli, and we told him where to go is one of the best ones by us. It's called best deli.

And he's like, yeah, I'm thinking about getting something sweet. And he gets, like, one of these, you know, the cakes in the window. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, those are bad, dude. They look good. If you're just like, you don't know.

They look amazing. Yeah, no, big mistake. Like, if you think, like, if you. Like, if you think standard, like, health standards are being used, then, yeah, it should taste delicious. No. But this thing has been here since they've been in business. Yeah.

Like, it's been sitting there. Which ever since their poppy field got shut down. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I got a muffin. There's, like, a bodega, like, two blocks away.

I got a muffin from there. It was like I was trying to bite into a magic ape ball. Oh, yeah. It was so wrong. Oh, no. I'll do one even worse. Wait, sorry, continue. No, that was it.

Yeah. I got one time this wrap and you know how they'll they used a wrap from the window and literally just covered in mold

like you want to heat up I was like no and they're like literally like will it will it will it will it's like

fuzzies on it like it was a fuzzy rap oh it's like the best part is sometimes I just like won't even complain

I'm just like I just will not come here yeah and then I will later come back there and be like hey just you know

maybe don't do that they saw they saw the mold and still gave it to you yeah the fuzzy mold it's crazy dude Yeah, I've got, I'm a sucker for those like little moldy sandwiches.

You know, like the Danishes that come in like different flavors in a package. I used to get those like every single day. And like one time I got one, I took a bite and I was like, that wasn't good. I looked and it was covered in mold. Yeah, yeah. I got a jar of peanut butter at a bodega and I get home. And it's the kind that's like the oil separated from the right. You got to stir it.

It's supposed to be healthier. Yeah, it's supposed to be healthier. I get this kind. It's natural. It says all that, blah, blah, blah. I open it. it. Number one problem is the seal is broken. So, okay, the seal is broken. I look down in there, it's one, it's one gelatinous. It's not, you don't have to mix it. It's one thing. It looks

like skippy or whatever. Yeah. I go, okay. And then I taste it. And it was, and it said that there was salt in it too. No salty flavor, no peanut flavor, just like a non-flavored, like, ooze. I don't know what it was. I don't know. And I was like, oh, what the fuck? This is so weird. And then my roommate, the one who ate the weird cake,

he was home. And I was like, dude, try this. What's up with this, man? And he's indestructible. Like, you know those guys? Yeah. My dad is one of those guys. Yes, they come from frat houses or whatever.

And then they just have every immunity. They could eat anything. Anything could be happening. I knew a guy like that in high school. I paid him to take a bite out of a candle, watched him do that. Yeah. I paid him,

one time I was at a party, and then I guess somebody else paid him to like swallow their beta fish. And I just walk in the party, and he's like, dude, don't eat my brother's beta fish. It just drops it down his throat.

I'm like, dude, that's crazy because you're shitting bones. There's no way your stomach dissolves bones, does it? I think it does a pretty good job. Yeah, tiny little ones. As long as it doesn't get caught in your throat

because apparently it was like a job for him high school people like, yo, we step on the sandwich on the ground and like stomp on it with our dirty shoes. How much we, but he'd make a living not like a living, but like, yeah. But he'd make money off it. Like high school, be like, yeah, for sure, fucking 30 bucks.

Yeah, I'll fucking do it. Exactly. He's like, I haven't worked a day in my life. Yeah. I love what I do. He's basically shoe nice. He's like, what is when we eat a bunch of sponge bob

stickers. Yeah, yeah. I'll drink fucking Elmer's milk or not milk. I thought it was milk. I'll drink Elmer's milk. Fatty comes out and making protein shakes The Shelmer's glue. I'm like Dick and nice. It's good.

Is there any way I can get the spoon to stuff? So he would just do that and then be like... That would be a great prank to go to a like a busy coffee shop and like order like a black coffee. Nothing in it. Nothing in it. They give it to you

and you just stand at the register and pull out some glue. Dude, that's a great public. Yeah, just for. Like so much. doing this because my life is falling apart. This is the only good sticks together. I tried other ways to drink coffee, but nothing's stuck. Look at that. You show up.

Look, no calories. I think it is interesting to. I feel like now as an adult, other people's mental illness is so much more apparent. Like when I was like a kid, I was like, that's just like a cork. And then I'm like, oh, no, that's like some crazy, like, a quirk? What? A quirk? Cork.

What's it called? Cork? I didn't know where you were going. A personality cork. Like a quirk. It's K-Q? No, it's no, it's Q-U- Something happens.

I swear to God, I was a genius last episode of morning good. It's a cork. It's a person. Dude, I was like last episode. The man who incorrectly used the word domicile. Let me correct you. Wait, so it's K. Yeah.

Like, court. No, no, no, it's quirk. Quirk. I'll just say door wrong. I say door. Dorf. I say dwarf wrong. Oh, do you say

Dorff? Yeah, apparently it's dwarf. Like the Tim Conway show? Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, it's dwarf. Dwarf. Yeah. Dwarfs and corks.

Corks, dwarfs. But I think the whole, like, like, I feel like when I was a kid, I'd be like, that person's just crazy. That person is just like, corky. That was better. Thank you, thank you. And then now I'll be like,

oh, that's like an insane thing to do. That person, like, I went to one of my buddy's houses and he had like all. of his TV remote was on like, he probably listens, whatever. He had his TV remotes on like paper towels, like you place them on paper towels and stuff like that. He's worried about germs?

Well, I don't know what it was. I'm like, oh, that's for sure like extreme OCD, but like as your kid you're just like, ah, it's just like a weird thing going on. Right, right. But then you realize you're like, oh no, this is like all, everything has something else going on to it. Yeah. Yeah. Because when you're a kid, I was probably brutally molested at a camp.

But when you're a kid, like you have imagination. So, like, when he puts that on that, you're like, oh, he's probably, like, trying to create, like, a tower. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But really, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sickly afraid of germ. Totally, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Michael's the kind of OCD where he doesn't, like, clean anything. Yeah.

He just, like, different kind. Yeah. Do you think on the bestiest one in here? Really? Dude, you leave dishes in there for pretty long. What, dude, but look at the ground here. Oh, yeah. You know what?

That is true. Is this your half? I've made this my home office, which is out of control. I like literally a couple. I rarely use dishes. Is that your half and this is his half? Which big one? I could have sworn you'd been using the big dishes.

No. Is there a fourth guy in his apartment? I can swear to God. There's somebody coming here. I've been dropping stuff off. Okay. Somebody's going to come in here and fucking shit up. I've been outsourcing a little bit of dishes.

Occasionally the dish will, the sink will just be filled with. I also did the dishes yesterday. None of the dishes and there were mine. I just did them. Wait, this is great. So there's no way I'm the lad. I'm the dirty. This is so crazy because I did dishes the other day and none of them were mine.

When was the other day? Like four days ago. Okay. I did them yesterday. Okay. Well, maybe we're just evenly doing the dishes. I guess, but I like don't really use dishes here. Well, then what is going on?

I use, I have one cup that I wash out. Okay, I use a lot of cups. But the big container, the like big metal bowl. The pot? Pot, yes. I don't really use the pot. I'll use the pan. Has Jake been coming in here

complaining about the dishes that he left? I swear to God. I don't know. I will see the pot in there like twice a week. This is weird. It's not me.

I'm not the funny. This is another really funny one. Yeah, because I don't have like anything to cook in the pot. I don't have any food in that fridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just like order out every meal.

This is so weird. I'm very confused by this because I don't. I don't cook much either. I think that big pot, when it's clean, it has like a residue on the bottom. When someone just sees that and they think it's like dirty and put it in the thing. Oh my God. Maybe that's just...

I cleaned that pot because it was in there. I've seen it in there for like two days. And I put it on the thing and it, uh, yeah, it just looked. There's like a dustiness at the bottom. Jake probably saw that put it in there. My favorite thing is the nastiest thing. But they were shit on the back of the toilet seat the other day. I had taken a shit that day

but Patty also went in there and Jake's just like hey man can you like clean the shit off the top of the toilet seat I was like oh I don't think that was me at all but you know like look I'm a good roommate yeah sure I'll like you know get a it's gross but I'll clean off the toilet or whatever and then I get approach Patty because he was in the bathroom

I don't want to point fingers could have been either of us you know bad just because I didn't take a shit I was like I was on my way to take a shit I was like my this is my I was just like look I was just broadening it to everybody. Like, look, this could be anybody.

Let's not point fingers. But after I just clearly did the thing that... Oh my gosh. So you didn't know that you... No, I think probably what happened was I probably wiped my ass and then pushed the toilet paper. Like, as I was going down, I probably brushed the toilet seat. I didn't just

there's no way I just shat on the toilet seat. Probably like... Because it could have sprayed at a certain angle. You might have been bent in a certain way. I just picture the viewers just... You'd have been like, what's out on the ground? You dropped your marbles? You're like, oh, my marbles. No, no, no, no.

My pooping marbles. No, no, I play pool. I have like a little mini pool table that I bring in there while I take shits. It's calming. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But yeah, I assume when I was dropping, like, when I was like wiping and then dropping the toilet paper down, I'd probably brush the seat or something. I'm a stand-up wiper, dude. Are you serious?

It's fucking insane. Yeah, I'll do that, too. Less insane than shitting on a toilet. Okay, there's no way that's... I stand up and wipe. But, okay, did you guys tell us ever where you take a shit? And then you ever had this? You take a shit.

You know you took a shit. And then you... I'll stand up to wipe and I'll look at what I've done. And it's gone. Yes. The shit's gone? The shit. Yeah, sometimes.

Yeah. Dude, that... I didn't know that was a thing. And that was happening to me for weeks. Yeah. And I started eating like dense plutonium? No, dude. I started eating so much fiber.

Because I was like, I'm constipated. I think I'm shitting and nothing's coming out. I started getting scared. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I know I proved. I felt something. And then I'm looking and I'm like, what happened? It is kind of crazy because I think it's like the angle too because it's got to, if it lands like this, you know, it's not going.

It's like a UAP. It's like right. Yeah. It's gone. Right under there. Yeah. It is a mystery though. Yeah.

I don't know. It's something with the pipe sucks. it out or something, I don't know. But, dude, but that was fucking me up. But you know, it did put me on a good path now. I'm eating a lot of lentils. I'm getting my shit figured out. I mean, it's healthier, but I'm just, my shit's the worst because it's the protein.

Well, here's a thing, though. You got to keep the protein, but get some fiber in you. Like what? You've got to get what I did. I have no money. I'm also, no, no, no. It's just protein power and artistry, because it ain't. No, it ain't.

It ain't a money thing. I, so I have coming tonight at 9 p.m. delivered to my house a bag of split peas. Oh, he works for one of these fucking companies where he's like, no, I don't. Every Instagram out of him now. It's just like, oh, why are you wasting time cooking? You could have food delivered to your door at a cheap rate, too.

No, I get Amazon groceries. Okay. I just get him delivered because I'm too lazy. How much is he paying you? How much is Jeff Davis paying you? Dude, I started a fun for him when he got divorced. I said, head ain't cheating. That would be so funny.

Did you actually? Yeah. That is so funny. Oh, maybe if I can find him, I can find the message I sent to him because it was really supportive. It was something, it was either him or Bill Gates or both. Do you remember how much you raised? Zero. But it was really important for me to do.

Let me try. Okay, Jeff. I hope that our messages get saved because I sent him some good stuff. The Space Cab. boy oh what the fuck did i i sent something crazy oh i bet you okay the reason the reason i said this because i was on amtrak and they have a crazy phone number the customer service phone number for amtrak is 800 USA rail so then i texted j jeff jose i heard your single text to me 800 u s a rail so then i texted Jeff Bezos, I heard your single text me 800 USA

Rail. Okay, so no, I didn't text him. That was a different. This is, I have so much worse than this with like, I got really fucked up and message to a bigger comedian one time and it's the worst message you'll ever see. Really? You texted a woman? And then, no, no, no, no. I was, I'll tell it this in a second once every year. This is so embarrassing. And I also got put in, like, group chats to this comic one time. And I was like, I hope he doesn't like, see, I've like talked to this guy. Bring it up. Yeah, yeah. Can you. Can you. you read your question. So this is six messages in a row to Bill Gates. This is after post-divorce.

What is up, B-Money? I have $13. I want to send your way, wrong yore, to hold you down through this most trying time. A few singles to help you mingle, if you will. Do you know what I'm saying? What if he just had a loaded revolver in his mouth or as he read this? He's like, wait.

Wait a minute. My fans. Yeah. I said, do you know what I am saying? Head is not cheating. Do you take Apple pay? So that's kind of... Head is not cheating.

That is so fucking funny. Dude. But that's what I'm trying to. I'm trying to support these guys. You know what I mean? Do they're difficult... Do you call a man a divorcee? I feel like that's not a manly term.

I think it's divorceeo. Divorcio. The masculine term. A male divorceeos. I'm kind of supportive, man. Divorce just can be so funny because it's such a terrible thing. But, like, what happens to people where you just see, like, a divorce dad just out doing his shit, you know what I mean? Dude.

I knew a divorced dad that tried to fucking sell me weed one time, dude. I like, this guy fucking, uh... How old was he? Dude, fucking... It's like, just like Pete COVID, dude, the guy was going through a divorce. And he's like, yeah, man, I can, um... I heard you're looking for a job. and I go to his fridge and he opens it,

just fucking pound of weed in there. And he goes, you know how to sell this stuff? And I was like, nope, I'm going to be able to tell you somebody who can. But I was just so hungover and I was like, what is my life right now? What? And how did, why were you at this guy's house? Because I was just like, he was like,

oh, I heard you like lost your job during COVID or you might be looking for some money. Oh. And then I was just like, nope, I'm not selling drugs. So you thought you were going there to get a job. And then he was like, check out the weed in my fridge. Yeah. Fridge.

Do you know how to get rid of it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, you know what it. And it was like, it was like a, like a, like a pillow you'd have on like a cat. It was like a, I've never seen that much weed. It was just like a fucking biggle. Well, now I have with New York. Right.

But I was like, it was like fucking crazy. Yeah. Huge amount. And he's like, she gets half this if I don't get rid of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Dude, divorce dad's like one of the funniest things to me.

Just that character. I'm just this guy who's just losing it who's just desperate. And you like can't do anything without his wife or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Now he's just useless. It's so great. Can't cook, can't do anything. Yeah.

And it's like weird because it's like, then he's got to go back out there and like try to get pussy. So you could see normally with these guys the way they're dressing. And you're like, okay, I see like you're trying to get pussy now. But it's just so funny too because you're like for so long. Yeah, they're just wearing like a big like hat, like a top hat. Yeah. They have to start dressing. Yeah.

And it's like, this is the best. So long. Yeah, you for so long had no idea how to get pussy. Because you just had pussy. pussy. And you had pussy that was not going to leave you. This is like me towards the end of my relationship. It's like you're like, who cares? It's like you're eating garbage. You're dressing sloppy.

You're getting ketchup on your shirt. And then you're like, how do cool people dress now? You have no fucking right, right. And the clothes are too tight. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're fat now. Yeah. So everything like they used to get laid in is just not going to work. Yeah. There's like a montage of him like opening up like the old closet from like high school.

Yeah. He's got like his letterman jazz. Yeah. He was a fat guy wearing a leather jacket That doesn't fit Just go to a local bar I'm just hitting on 19 year olds But yeah Yeah there's always like a golf

Yeah they're trying to wear like Something like a Lulu lemon They're trying to get back in or something But um Oh the embarrassing Should I tell that one? 2018 before I quit doing cocaine I messaged Ari Sheffier on Facebook

Or Instagram I was really fucked up I was like I stayed up. It was like, I had like a mental breakdown and like a whole like I basically had exam week. So I stayed up for like a week straight doing Adderall, just not sleeping. And my buddies were like, hey, do you want to go out tonight? I was like, fuck yeah, dude.

It's like the, it's like Christmas break. Let's get really fucked up. And we did so much cocaine. And then I like hadn't slept. And R. Shafir had this thing where he like gave advice to the comedy story. This is before I moved to New York. Oh, I see that video.

It's a great. It's a great video. But this is so bad. I messaged him. Hey, doubt you'll ever see this or care. but that video where you sit down for four hours of the comedy store and give advice really helped me as a comic.

Actually, this is as bad as I thought of it. I've only been doing it for two years, but that advice has really motivated me to really care about bits and not talk about dumb shit. I'm pretty sure I texted Whitney Cummings. Let me wear those tits as a mask. This is no, wait, how...

Dude, wait, what time is this? This is, wait, this is gonna be so funny. What time of day is this? Oh, shit. Oh, damn, I can't see what time of day this is, I'm sure it was like fucking five in the morning. That's like a sweet message.

This is crazy. I should two cocaine again. That's very nice. I just thought it was going to be something terrible. I wanted to read it in real time. Wow. I'm really a fucking reasonable guy. Yeah.

Did he see it? No, but like I've been in group chats with him before and then I've like been in like he clearly like there's no one. I've been in green rooms. We've been on the same show before. I've like met him a couple times. but like, I don't know, I thought, this is like my most embarrassing thing. I guess I'm just fucking awesome.

I don't know why I thought it was going to be like, I love you so much, huge fan of the amazing racist, this is what I would have done. I think you were misremembering as like the emotions behind the message and what you actually said. Yeah, yeah. Because I think you had enough of a filter to not say the freak shit. Which is crazy. And just say a week of not sleeping and a bunch of cocaine.

Yeah, yeah. drinking. That's wild, yeah. Wow. Yeah, all right. Well, that was anti-climatical message. And so was mine to Bill Gates. Yeah, yeah. And to Jeff Bezos. Bigger people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Send reasonable stuff to them. Yeah. I remember like the week after, this is how fucking crazy I'm, when the Hawk Tua thing

happened, I found her on Instagram when she was at like 2,000 followers. And I was like, I should fucking slide to these DMs. Not that anything would happen, but I'm like, she would have maybe seen it at least. That would have been interesting. Yeah. She wouldn't have fucked me, but... I saw her hanging out with Jake Paul. That made me upset. Why is...

Jake Paul, Paul's going to fuck my wife. Yeah, we're... Is that... That's the one who boxes, right? Yeah. That's the boxing one. Yeah. Yeah, the boxing guy.

Well, that's natural they're going to hang out. Isn't that like a... I mean... I think she has a serious boyfriend. Is that inevitable? Does she? I think the Pookie guys, her boyfriend. She got a boyfriend.

Pookie? Pookie? She's the guy in the video. She's like, I love you, Pookie. I think she has a boyfriend. It's Pookie? By the way, I also don't want to take... that's not really bad. The guy's name was Pookie.

That was like her, like, uh, Kooky bats. Cute name for him or whatever. Oh my God. He was the Hawk toa receiver. Oh, right, right, right.

There's already coverage on this. There's the talk to a podcast, which is a hot, no, anyway, that's her podcast. There's a podcast that reviews her podcast. Yes,

yes. Yeah, we should just review that podcast. Yeah. Wait, listeners, review us reviewing the podcast. Let's do Inception. Let's just get like 12 levels deep.

Why not? Yeah, yeah. No, I love, I want to be her husband. Well, also, I will say this. I got a huge problem with this. Jake Paul's a fucking sucks, Dick,

but Mike Tyson's also like a horrible human, people can change, but he's on, like, terrible things. I don't know why the public is just like, because everyone's afraid they're going to get punched by him. Everybody's like,

Mike Tyson. Nobody writes an article about him because they just imagine his fist flying through, like a wall. I mean, I get, he claims he didn't rape that woman,

but he, like, one time did Coke and heroin. And he said, at my lowest, I did Coke and heroin and fought like six hookers at once. Oh my God.

Which is so wild, but also like... Did he go to jail and stuff? Yeah, for rape. But he apparently says he didn't do it. But he was convicted of it. Yeah. So the court of loss says he did. Right, right.

But yeah, I don't know the story enough to like, you know, pick sides on it. But I'm going to guess that the cocaine fueled... You're with contentual. I don't know. Like, the same guy who beat up a bunch of hookers is like, I would never rape a woman. He also, like, while he was in prison, had a... like a counselor or whatever, and he, like, fucked her and got her pregnant.

Oh, that's kind of sick. Not that that's illegal, but it's like... One of his lawyers is? That's just cool, guys. He fucked his lawyer? It was like his, uh, whatever the probation officer is or whatever. Oh, my God. He got her pregnant.

Yeah, but that's cool guys. These are two different categories. We got, we got this box. This is cool guy stuff. There's a thin line, though, between cool guys. Fighting five hookers on cocaine and heroin at the same time. Kind of in between those two boxes. Because if this was a video game, could you imagine being just like

speedballing and you're just like, that's got to be a thrill until you come down and you're like, what have I done? You're like to pile of hookers? We were talking about, was it you? I was talking about somebody's got to have done this bit before. We thought it'd be really funny if somebody like went to prison, which is a piece of shit in prison, you know, just like, and they get out and they're like, all right, sweet, I'm out of prison. They're like, no, no, no, no.

You raped a bunch of people. You're going right back in there. Like we have cameras on you. You committed nine hate crimes in there. You're there for like, but like the day they get out. Yeah. Yeah. It is kind of interesting that like that's kind of all part of prison is crime.

Yeah, of course. They're like, yeah, if we don't make, if like I get it, there is some sort of like move to like keep people raping in prison, to keep prisons bad to keep people out of prison. Like it's like the goal is to be out of prison because you don't want to get raped in prison. That's like the whole goal of everything. Norm McDonnell has a big bit about it. But I think that kind of, so prison itself is like a system. It's kind of like, why do we stop the rape?

Because we've got to make this really bad so people don't come in here. But then that doesn't make sense because people say the prison industrial complex makes people want to go to prison. So I don't know. But we are out of time. Where can they find you guys? Follow me on Instagram at Pastor Dave Bless. Okay, got good stuff on there. Check me.

Yeah. And, you know, Bill Gates, if you're listening, which I know you are, I don't know, maybe accept that $13. Yeah, come on, man. Apple pay. And that was a low-key joke because he's against Apple and stuff, you know. But that's fine. That's what friends do. That's what friends do. They do barbs at each other. Yeah, it doesn't have to be Apple.

It could be Venmo. It could be, you know. Microsoft. Yeah. Yeah. It also like, just don't be afraid to ask for money if you need it. Exactly, dude. I know what you're going through, man.

So just take the money. Yeah, just take it. Don't be proud. Yeah, exactly. News for bed. Check out news for bed. Thank you guys for listening. There might, look, hopefully there's an episode next week,

but I'm going to be back home getting after it. There's a possibility. Also, like, none of the comics I know in Orlando lived there anymore, so I might have, like, nobody, unless I want to do a podcast with, like, my mom. I don't know what's going to happen. You should ever move here or what? No, a lot of them moved to Austin.

Like, none of them moved here. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah, because Cam Patterson blew up and then every single person's like, I will be the next Camp Patterson. Yeah. And some of them are really funny, but some of them will never be Camp Patterson.

so yeah but maybe Cam's a town maybe I'll see if you want I don't know I'll figure out who fucking whatever there might be not be an episode the Sunday after Thanksgiving but don't think I quit I just literally found nobody

to do a podcast with that was in Orlando. Thank you