Morning Good - The Mentally Challenger - Episode 219

Episode Date: May 5, 2024

Paddy Defino and Matt Bowman return for today's episode. They talk about the recent Midwest tornado disasters, some of Michael's dreams, and classic Howard Stern throwbacks.Thanks to Paddy and Matt for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and hit their links down below for more.Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and make sure to keep up with new episodes of News From Bed on YouTube. Matt is on Instagram as well @mattbowmancomedy and also hosts the podcast Matt Bowman is Bothered. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, yeah. Welcome to morning. What's up, motherfucker? Man, we're here with Matt Bowman. Mm. And Patty DeVito.

Who? Dude, I could have tell him I'm getting sick or if his apartment just changes temperatures from hot to cold or maybe I'm going through alcohol withdraws.

This apartment is like a since the ceiling is so high and this room is so big it's like, you know how in like the Astrodome or whatever it would have like its own weather system?

Yeah. That's what's going on. That's what it seems like it's happening, dude. It's like some days I'm like sweating like Sunday, dude, I woke up and just puddles of sweat.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I really am like, I'm on alcohol. Having a condition. I'm really starting to think I have a drinking problem.

Because as the weather is changing, we're in our rooms and we just, when we go to bed, it just creates like a stew in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we all rip our doors open and it's cooler out here. So it's like a hot front meeting a cold front. That creates moisture. Sure. Wait, I thought that's also how tornadoes are created.

It is. Is there going to be a tornado in our apartment? Yeah. Have you seen the fucking tornadoes that were out, like, out west? No. Dude, they've been all over my TikTok. And they are like, end of world size ship.

You know what? Good. I don't know what they're doing out there, but I don't know. They're not contributing to my life. Should we just tell them it's some wind?

Yeah. Scared a wind, dude. I love it bullying her tornado because you're not like, you're not navigating the Santa Maria across the Atlantic O. Dude,

how about you move out of a trailer park? Get your life together. That's always who died. It's something in a trailer that gets thrown. Would you ever be a guy that would like drive towards a tornado? No. Because those guys are fucking crazy.

My brothers saw one behind it. Like there's one of the hurricanes in Florida. Like what happens when there's hurricanes, there's like also tornadoes around it. Sure. It's like a thing. It's like, you know, like a Jurassic Park, you have the T-Rex and then you also have Velociraptors. Yeah. The tornadoes are like velociraptors.

Ah. And I've always said that. I've always wanted it put in terms of Jurassic Park. Yeah, that's how I'm going to basically organize most of my information. You can really turn the weather channel around. Yeah. So there was more Veloceraptor. So Israel's like Chris Pine.

Yeah. Hey. Hey, easy. He's like easy. Just taming. I don't know how much taming is real food. Is that a velociraptor egg? I should set it on fire.

I'm Chris Pratt. What kind of dinosaur are they cooking up in that lap? But my brother, yeah, they were coming back from like Walmart. I remember my brother was like, dude, literally we could see behind us a tornado. That sounds like the most terrifying thing. Yeah. Tornadoes were always. Shut up, Michael.

God damn it. I just kicked the table. I just kicked the coffee table. But, no, I was, like, so scared of, like, tornadoes. I don't know why, because hurricanes are so much fucking, like, worse, because it's, like, a giant tornado, basically. Yeah. It's a water tornado. It's a bunch of velociraptors morphed into a giant T-Rex.

Yeah. Yeah. But it's, like, yeah, I don't know, the coolest stories that one guy who was, like, he got hit in the head by, like, a two-by- for. I mean, at least he described it. If it's flying at you, you probably don't know what the dimensions are of the plank of wood. Yeah. He's guessing it's too much. Unless they measured it on the indent from his skull. But we all know that's illegal.

He's just got to go to Home Depot and they were like, take me to the wood aisle. Yeah. He's just holding his head up to the fucking thing. This seems like it would fit in that hole in your head. That would be one of those TikTok videos like when the things fit perfectly. Right. Yeah. He's like, oh my God. Satisfaction.

Yeah. I'm just sliding in. He has to like stand in the corner of a building. to like hold up exciting work. I got my new job as a foundation. It's like, hey,

I forgot my, I forgot my square. He's like, oh, I got you. He just fucking gets over there. Does anyone need a right angle? Right, here we go,

baby. You know what I'm gonna fucking say? What are we fucking three minutes and we're riffing without talking about jizz? Wow. Dude. This is like,

I'm so fucking proud of us. I know. I was like, I'm having a blast and it's fucking four minutes in. It turns out he wasn't even hit by a two by four. It was just a big guy's load.

Yeah. It was going to go back. The guy's rectangular load. But because he was knocked out, he, like, was in the tornado and was fine. And because it's like, it's like when drunk drivers can, like, murder a family. But, like, they're fine because their limbs are loose when they have impact. Yeah. I've also heard, like, babies can survive tornadoes.

MythBusters, try it out. Now, I'll let you know. Nope. This week, we do our most extreme myth yet. You know like the elastic catapults they use on the show? It's one that doesn't even, it's not even applicable. It's just like, will a baby survive lava? No, of course not.

To simulate a tornado, we're launching it into a brick wall. 7,400 mothers have signed off. Dude, that show ripped. I loved Mythbusters. Apparently, they hated each other. Yeah, Adam and Jamie. That was the ultimate myth. Yeah.

It was their friendship. They're on that couple therapy show now. Can we bust this? And then the one, the Asian guy, I think, died, right? Interesting. Was they trying to use him as a dummy? Yes, yeah. Yeah.

Because the other two are like randomly in like an AT&T commercial now. Yeah. Or whatever, I don't know, some bullshit business. And I think one of the guy, I think it was the bald guy is like a pedophile. Okay, guys. We're going to need to find some evidence on that. I think Shane Gillis had a joke about that on his podcast. He's like, no, it's a myth. It's a myth.

Oh, like, the nerdy one with the mustache? Yeah. Really? And I think that might have been why there was a little bit of, uh... That's why he didn't like him very much. Yeah, yeah. That's of all the reasons. It's tough to come back.

There's probably three people in my life who could be later reveal that they're a pedophile. And you let it back in in my low? And I'd be okay. Probably. The only reason you... Not that I'm a pedophile, but like that I'm so likable. that I could get away with it. It's more the fact that you

if you were, you would tell me within five seconds. His name's Adam Savage. I mean, it's pretty fucking savage, too. Yeah. Yeah, you fucked a kid that's Savage, bro. What was the other guy? No, I thought you were saying Jamie. Yeah, I think it's Jamie. Jamie, is that Adam? Like, Hydeeman or something. Okay, so Adam was molested.

Adam was molested. Savage sister accuses him of sexual abuse when they were kids. Oh, okay. When they were kids, though, I mean. But that's not the ball guy, right? No. No, no. Okay, so I think I have enough evidence now to figure out what's going on. This is what I believe.

He had the sexual misconduct or whatever, but he's a nice guy. And Jamie is squeaky clean, but he's a dick. Okay. And I think those two worlds contradict. Interesting, yeah. Because one, like, is... Or they're Ian and Yang. You have a nice pedophile and a mean person attracted to adults.

Yeah, right? Who would you rather hang out with? I'll say this. The nice guy is probably getting laid more. Yeah, absolutely. That's true. With the kids. Yeah, yeah.

They're like, that's a grumpy guy. I don't hang out. I don't get his van. Right. And you want to take a nap later? It's almost nap time. It's 1 p.m. You know what that means.

It's so funny, too. I catch myself because you're about to have a kid just getting nervous doing pedophile jokes. I don't give a lot. It's so insane that my brain is just like now, like, yeah. It's all right. It's like, no, dude, that's fine.

I don't give a shit. Yeah. Yeah, if you feel nervous about that, you should just feel nervous about saying it in general because our balls are still full of sperm. That is true. You're saying it in front of our ball. Yeah.

No, I told you, I was so nervous. I was doing that dead baby joke in front of like a baby. Damn, dude. They bought a ticket, so they let him. Really say a guest to every gig. I'll do it, man. Dude, just a graveyard. Just a nursery graveyard.

I can do 15. Let's go, dude. What's up? It's Louis J. Gomez. I got the fucking sickest surprise ever. Coming to the stage. A dead baby. Sackamiko and a dead baby.

It's just Zachomico. He's like, I got hungry. I couldn't. I wouldn't be surprised if Lewis came out and said that he was in a relationship with a dead baby. With a dead baby. I mean, it's not that far off for him. Talking intelligence points, his girlfriends are kind of... Oh.

Not a great track record. Shots fired at the... At people that have better careers than I do. Well, also, I wasn't even at him. No. Which we know more of those people at the other words. Yeah. They're all nice.

Yeah, they're all very nice people. I'm like sweating right now. Oh, really? I feel fine. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I think it's just... I'm wearing a sweater. And the room... The temperature in this room is fucking on fire.

That is the nicest piece of clothing. I've ever seen you wear. Yeah, I don't like dressing. And I don't like it because I think I'm a douchebag. No, no, no, no, no. It's the opposite, actually. I wear shudier clothes on nights that I don't, like my Wednesday midnight show. I'm like, all right, nobody important is going to be there.

Right. Or audience members, most likely. Yes. Yes. There was a part of me when I got single. I was like, well, maybe I'll meet chicks and no, no, no, no. Zero percent chance. Yeah.

Um, so now what I do is like, I wear nice clothes that I don't want to wear. Because I don't like wearing nice clothes. I don't like I look like a douchebag if I wear a nice clothes. Okay. So I'd rather dress more semi-casually on, like, dates or going out to bars or even shows. Because if I have, like, shows, I don't want to, like, look. Like, dude, I was so nervous. I had a T-shirt that said Florida the other day, and I was like, I don't want to wear this on stage.

So I wore my hoodie, even though it was too hot. So I'm, like, sweating in, like, a tie-eyed hoodie because I'm like, I like looking hippie-ish and then saying things that aren't. Sure. I don't know. But it's dumb. It's just me overthinking, because none of it matters. No. The audience is not thinking, like, he's wearing a Florida shirt.

Fuck this guy. Yeah. If you were too dressed up, then that would be something you might have to address. But I don't think anybody is just like Florida. No. It's a fish shirt on it. And I don't like fishing, but I like fishes. Okay.

Like I like fishes. Like, yeah. Fish, I guess that's plural. I'm gonna say. I like fishies. That's one that's both. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It can be both. Singular and plural. Yeah, yeah. But I like, I like fish. Like, I like aquarium. I'm scared, dude. I'm scared of a fish. Really?

Yeah. Yeah, you're scared of a lot of things. I was inviting the guy who, was the biggest penis in the world, I'm more and good. And Patty's, like, scared to be in the apartment

while he comes over. I said, tell me when he's here, I don't want to be here. For a half second, I thought you were saying that it was him. No,

no, no. I was like, wow, damn, dude, good for you, dude. I'm still number four on the world for anything. You're going to be in your room like, Patty,

we have guests. Come say, I don't want to. Patty, come say hello, just like a kid. How pissed do you think? Because, like,

there had to be a point in time where the guy who had the biggest penis was usurped. By a child. Just some Taiwanese child kicking a soccer ball. Who do you even complain about that too? I think the CIA comes to your house and they're like, we have terrible news.

They're coming with like briefcases and documents. They're like, look. Brian, we told you this day would come. You know it's going to happen. America no longer needs you. They just take like a four-skin crown off of this. Oh! it's time to circumcise the throne.

Yeah, you can only be, you have to be non-circumcised. You gotta get that extra length. Yeah, exactly. When you lose your crown, you lose your foreskin. That's what happens. Them's the rules. I think he was trying to make an argument against the guy in Mexico. There's like a guy in Mexico that has a bigger penis parent.

And he's like, that guy's like all four skin. Like he's like, it's like, it's all like terminology. Yeah, yeah. This guy's fucking cheater. He's all skin. Yeah, dude. Yeah. He'll yank it back, dude.

I wonder, does he stay in shape to keep the biggest penis? Like, to add that extra, like, half inch? Oh, yeah, because it's like, yeah. How big are we talking? Like, how long we... It's 13.5. It's pretty big. He won't look at a picture of it because he's secretly gay or something.

That's crazy. I just, like, calling people secretly gay when they won't do things. There's crazy. There becomes a point when, like, a penis turns into a wild animal. Yeah. And I'm not really that interested. So, like, you can't even get, like, you can get hard, quote unquote, but, like, it's not like it's standing at attention. It would be funny if he passes out every time he gets hard because the blood is.

Yeah, honestly. How much is there to fill that thing up? Like a red cross has to show up and hook him up to, like, five different bags. Jesus. He's just, like, bane, but he's got, like, bags of blood. It has to him just pumping into him. Oh, my God. 13 and a half.

That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a lot. Does he do porn? No, I don't think. It's so funny too. Because nobody can receive him, basically. They're very tasteful.

Yeah. Every nude I've had of him is like, it looks like a Time magazine photograph where you see somebody, it's like the white background. He's just kind of. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a prom picture or senior like class pictures. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jason DeRullo album cover. Yeah. Just like that bitch's hands on his chest. Yeah. It's so funny. I think his bio is average in almost every way or something like that. That's fun. Yeah.

His face looks so normal. first I thought he was the self-proclaimed biggest penis, which is the funniest thing to do. That's Rhino Tool. Anybody can be that. Anybody can be the self-proclaimed. It's just so funny to say, I have the biggest penis in the world.

It's like not, just not even like let people see it. I don't even have to show. I love lies like that that are clearly lies, but the person's so committed to it, I love that. Oh, it's hilarious. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, no, I have the biggest cock. He's like, we'll prove it. Not, dude. There's always people that are like, I have the biggest penis, but you never hear a woman who's like, I have the greatest, biggest pussy in the world. Just the fattest lips? Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, this is a match for that man. Yeah. It just looks like that, you know, that like Venus flytrap from Little Shop of Horrors? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that hanging down. Well, then there was a British one. It's so funny because, like, the way this came up is I saw there was a British show where this guy had, like, the biggest penis on there.

And he's all shy. And he's like, like, he just got a little bit his face. Was it a penis-related show, or was he? It was like, it was literally like, uh, Regis and Ryan and Kel. It was like, it looked like the most tame morning show. Uh-huh. Like, look, they're probably petting Labradoodles before that. Yeah.

And then the next thing was just the guy with the biggest penis. It looks... Really? I've never seen the show, but it looks so out of context. And there's just this hot British woman. She's so empathic. She's like, you probably caught like bullied as a kid. And she's like, this babe.

And he's like, yeah, he's pretty tough. He's pretty tough having a big as cork in England. It's so funny. He's just like, he looks like he's going to cry on the show. Their bullies are just the opposite of us. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, oh, you go big cocoa, man. Or she got a big hog, you fucking loser.

Stop, it's not that big. Dude, that's kind of big. I swear he's shrivels when he's cold. That is, like, a tough life because, like, all of their booking is just people wanting to talk about and, like, see their penis. I should have him on and just ask about everything else about his life. Yeah. I bet you he just found some other hobby.

Yeah, there's something. There's got to be something in there. Yeah. There's got to be things he can't do. Yeah. There's not going to be things he can do. probably nail things in with his penis. He's probably really good at like holding the subway doors of.

Yeah. Just trailing behind him. I would, yeah, I would like it. Because you know, like, when you're like, listen to a radio show and they, well, they're doing an interview, they'll do like four questions. And then they're like, yeah, well, so we're on with Bill Belichick, former head coach of the New England Patriots. But if you do it with this guy, it's just like, yeah.

So we're here with the guy with the biggest penis in the entire world. So what are your thoughts on Gaza? Like, just completely go, like, Wait, what? Oh, he runs a sports show, apparently. I think he runs some show about the Knicks, so he lives in New York. Well, let me pull him up.

I've heard he has the funniest Instagram, but, okay, he came in international tension in 1999 because he claimed that he has the largest penis in the world, which he claims is 13.5 inches long when he wrecked. Now, I've seen it looks pretty big. Falcon is not authorized or permitted, independent verification of this figure. His name is Falcon?

Jonah Falcon. Oh, that's so cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he looks like, he just looks like a regular kind of, Oh, yeah, yeah. Early life, was born in Greenpoint Hospital. Okay. He has a Wikipedia page?

At the time, claimed that his biological father was porn star John Holmes, who was famous for his... This is now getting interesting. Oh, okay. Interesting. Huh. But family members have dismissed this... It's so funny.

Family members, his dad. Brough, I told you, you don't have the biggest car. I did his diapers every morning. Average. Average car. on this kid. He recounts that when he was in the fifth grade, his schoolmate saw his penis, which, eight inches at the time

while he changed the bathroom bathroom. Falcon states that he was able to perform auto-filatio at age of 10. Jesus, Jesus guys just suck at his own dick. Dude, those poor children, when you see his penis, when you see an eight-inch flasap penis nine kids in an elementary school committed suicide

after seeing Falcons penis. Shut the fuck! They just all hang themselves all the monkey bars. They're like, I feel like a egg on my face for actually believe both of you guys had this look on your face. You guys were like, part of me was just like, I mean, yeah, I can see it.

I can see kids just not understanding it, but teachers killing themselves. Yeah, the gym coach brought himself in the, yeah, you get it. He's the center of multiple, like, teacher-child relation scandals. It's just like, yeah, I wonder why. Yeah.

Falcon rolled at East Harlem. Okay, he's going to be more average there. Yeah, he needs people like him. He pulls out of dick. They're like, look at your little ass. You got the smallest dick I ever see. I didn't know they made him that small. He's also going to not be the only guy named Falcon in his neighborhood.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's just funny, this is just like documenting his different dick size at different times of his voice. At 15, it was 10.5. I'm like, wow. Did he go to college? No other information on the man. He must have been. measuring that thing every day.

Jesus, dude. After graduate from high school, he became an actor and a writer. He probably had, instead of, like, the thing on where they measure your height on, like, the door frame, like, he just had his dick, like, going down. It's on the door, like, instead of, like, it's on the counter. Yeah, the counter, like,

actually on the door, and it swings out. Falcon hosted hour-long cable television show devoted to the Yankees called Talking Yankees hosted by John Falcon. He's yanking something. That's for sure. He had an hour-long talk show where they counted every inch of his Beez.

To enter, okay, Samantha B attempted to convince Valgon and the porn interview he refused saying just the easy way out. Interesting. Wait, who tried to convince him? And that he wished to pursue more decent acting careers. Who tried to convince him? Samantha B.

Isn't that, like, isn't she like a comedian? Didn't she have like a show on Comedy Central or something? Why was she trying to convince him to do porn? Because she's a goddamn whore. Yeah. Michael, why don't you? know more about this article you just read for the first day. I just read right off my phone.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm just accusing you. He could probably go fishing with his penis. He's probably could. Yeah. He'd probably create a tornado with his dick. Just swirling. Catch me. Jesus. Yeah. But, uh, no, yeah, as I was saying, I started with fish. I do like,

I do like aquariums. Yeah. And, uh, yeah, I don't know. I like, look at it. Especially the different colorful ones. It's nice. I don't mind fish, but I hate, like, deep ocean shit scares the fuck out of me. Yeah, there's a fear. I think it's called like thalicophobia or something.

Yeah. And it's like, there's just a video of like someone swimming and you just see like a huge fish like come underneath. Yeah, no. Oh, that's a tough one for me. That's, it's terrifying to me.

I've tried to, eh, I haven't tried it as a bit. I've thought about it. But like the scariest part of the ocean is that you, on land, I have to worry about here, here, here and here.

Yeah. The ocean is down. Like I'm like from, the fucking from, like, you're, not walking down the sidewalk and just being like, I hope a murder doesn't come up from beneath me. Yeah. Like, every angle it could come on.

Everywhere. You have to constantly. There's like diagonal sharks coming down and shit. That's really scary. Yeah. Diagonal sharks. That's pretty sick. That's a sick band.

Yeah, I was gonna say, dude. Yeah, I think they're playing at fucking the knitting factory tomorrow. When I was in, uh, like, I think it was like my senior year of high school, I was very afraid of fish. So I tried to quell my fear by, like, fishing every, day. So, like, me and my friends... They're just killing them.

It's not really like... But just, like, putting them... I would, like, put them back in and stuff. Right. Yeah. But, like, every day, me and my friends would go and fish. And I remember one time I was fishing out of a kayak. And I caught, and it, like, a huge bass. And I felt it.

I was like, oh, my God. And I'm, like, starting to panic. Yeah. I got to take this thing off the hook and catch it and all that. And I pull it out. And it's a big, largemouth bass. And it's pregnant. Like, it's got, like, a, like, a big...

stomach on it. Whoa. And, um, it's probably been hanging out with Falcon. Yeah, probably. Yeah.

Yeah. The bait. And I like, I picked it up and I'm, it's like really heavy and I grabbed it and like, it just jumped and I freaked out and threw it over my shoulder. And it just hit right onto a rock and died. Oh.

You just gave a fish an abortion. I gave a fish a full life. Yeah. And Jesus. Dr. death over here. Yeah. It was like very upsetting.

and everyone, all of my friends got very mad at me. I used to be, I'm really empathetic the animals now, but when I was a kid, I was, like, pretty violent with animals. Like, I would throw lizards, like, there was these, there's this, what do you call it, like,

this is, like, horrendous. I committed, like, lizard genocide. Like, you know, this is really dark. So, you know how there's these little, I didn't know that animals had feelings, but for some reason I thought my toys had feelings, but I don't think animals do have feelings. I think they do.

They can feel, you don't think they can feel pain? Oh, they can feel? feel pain, but they're not like... Also, who am I to be like the god deciding what lizards lizard died? Like, it's so fucking insane. But there was this fan, like, an outdoor air conditioning unit. Do you know what those look like? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So I would like put lizards

in like the middle and watch like, out of like, not like a ton of them, but I, yeah, it's pretty dark and then just kind of throw them down there. What the fuck, dude? Get sawed up. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was pretty crazy. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty fucked up. Yeah. Your dad's just like, why is the fucking air conditioner broke again?

Yeah. I did it a couple times. Sorry. Just French revolutioning these fucking lizards. I feel guilty about it just randomly. Just like randomly in my life, I'm just like taking a shit. I'm like, God, who was I to decide? Well, that at least makes you a good person. Because I feel like the people that do that grow up to like have humans

underneath their bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You deviated pretty well. That's nice. Yeah. But they still haunts me every night. Yeah. In the middle of the night, I just feel a lizard's crawling around my body.

They're on me. Yeah. Ghost lizards. No wonder you woke up in a full fucking flop. He's got all the lizards crawling on you again, dude. Yeah, dude, yeah, that was terrifying.

One thing I saw the water is crazy was like I saw like somebody took a dog's scuba diving with like a, they put a scoopie diving mask on and took it under. I was like, dogs see black and whites. They had to be like the most unimpressive thing when it's just looking at a coral reef and there's... Just the scariest thing ever for a dog. Yeah, also try to explain the concept of underwater

water to a dog. Like they have no idea. This kind of sucks. It's just kind of loki ass. All they want to do is smell. Yeah. Yeah. It's like they for sure like peeled it up.

Like there's no way they didn't give it a bunch of dogs annex. Yeah. I don't say dogs. It's just Xanax probably. It's so funny. Just like going scuba diving with your dead dog. Like a taxidermy dog. Here you go, buddy.

Legs are just kind of. It's just a stiff thing. I promised we'd go to Hawaii. Yeah. Dude, also, if I was a big old shark And I saw a dog Kind of struggling around Yeah, that's like

So tasty Yeah, I never eaten one of those Yeah A hairy fish Yeah A lot of fur on this guy Yeah Dude, the other thing that freaks me out about

Like, why is it like the fucking snakes That can be in water Yeah Like the huge giant one Like that you can't even get your arms around And those are just swim Oh, I hate that. These were both you...

Okay, so like, we have this lake, the lake I would go to in Florida. Lake gay sex? Yeah, dude. He was a lifeguard. Do not resuscitate. My cock. Lake gay sass.

What did you guys... What did you guys do? We would, uh, we have, basically, we'd take the smallest boy and put our dicks in his ass. But, all right, I'm a lifeguard, dude. That's what happens. You make the rules as the lifeguard.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Yeah. You know, blow in the whistle. All right. Throws a life preserver puts a condom on. Out of the water, everybody out of the water. Just putting a condom on my pants.

They always have, like, the rules for the pool or, like, for the thing or whatever. And then when Michael's on duty, he, like, rips off, like, a Velcro strip. And it's just. like must be fucked in ass to gain an indits and it's just like lifeguard is definitely on duty so I'm logging the tip of my nose

and the tip of my penis yeah nice but uh though we have this lake called like Lake Mailand in the middle of it's an island called Dog Island and it's like

what you do is you basically just like hang out in the sandy like area but that would fucking freak you out because you're basically like either knee or waist deep in lake water yeah fucking snakes and you feel fish just go against your like, yeah, that drives me nuts, dude.

I also don't like those types of lakes where, like, the dirt that you're standing on is, like, the super squishy, like, this is shit kind of feeling. Yeah. We had to clean out, like, my friends, what are they things that look like hot dogs, tails or whatever? Yeah, yeah, cat nine tails or whatever they're called.

Yeah, that's a whip. No, no, no, that's a whip. Yeah. But anyways, we had to clean on these weeds things. It was the most disgusting smell because you're pulling them like from deep down. Yeah. I was like, dude, I was just in mush. That was probably like a great way to get bit by snakes.

And it makes like that sound like when you pull some of the wall. I don't hate that. Yeah. I hate it. Yeah, I'm not a huge fan. I'm probably more comfortable than most people. Yeah. But probably still like it's fucking gross.

That's disgusting. But if a woman was like, my pussy is like the bottom of a lake. I think it's so hard. I'd be like, I know it. Exactly what you mean. I mean, it's like goth girl peed in the pool and it's like somebody just

diving in the pool. Oh, God. Yeah, my cousin lives on a lake and they would do a thing every year called Stranded where there's like this little island in the middle

and they just go out and they bring a bunch of coolers and like speakers and tents and stuff and they stay there all weekend and I did it one time. I went like the first night and I got so fucked up

and I just slept like with my head like on sand and I woke up in this it was like 98 just beating directly onto my body and I was and I was like hey I'm gonna like I'm gonna run back to like my dad's camper like do you need anything and he was like no no I'm good I'll see you later and I just like got in a kayak and went over and I never went back I just didn't tell him I was like I need out I was like so exhausted but they're like different people up there they just go with the flow Where's this at? This was in like, kind of near like Utica.

Okay. So it's like the Adirondacks, like really, really nice lakes. But, yeah, they just, like, live in the woods. They would just open like a can of corned beef and hash and just like eat it raw. I'm like, you guys are crazy. See, I want to do more stuff like that. Like we, I don't know, I need like a three day weekend of like just outdoor. Yeah.

Dude, the outdoors rip. I fucking, my family, like, probably starting, I don't know, 15 years ago. or so, like, all of our family vacations became, like, just going to national parks. Yeah. And it's so cool. You guys camp? Uh, no. Not really.

No. Like, we'll stay, like, we half camped when we went to Yosemite. We stayed, like, in the valley. Um, but it was like, uh, the walls were wood, but then it was just like a canvas roof. Yeah. And so it still got, like, fucking cold in there. Like, you had to go to, like, a private, like a separate bathroom and whatnot. So that was pretty close.

But for the most part, we hotel it. Yeah. It's definitely better. Oh, yeah. Five minutes into camping, you're like, why the fuck am I doing this? Oh, it's the worst. Well, that's just like the trap of stand-up. It's like, in my mind, I'm like, oh, I can't go camping a week.

It's like, I can't. Right. It's like, I would be through in my career. Right. So fucking ridiculous. I'm like, I should go camp. I need to like. Go do something else.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's strength in your career. Yeah. Yeah. Get out there. Camping comic. I go on stage with like, just like,

you know when your thermos is not sealed down properly when you park the camper we've all been there this guy knows what I'm talking about we were doing a bit me and Dan the other night just like the most

unrelatable comic but acts like it is it's like you know when your uncle puts mustard in your ears you guys know what I'm talking about right just saying things that are classic uncle Uncle Jester

you really live by the name he doesn't even have a real name yeah it's also not a real name Uncle Spalunk you know, this guy. Yeah. But yeah, dude, the Outtores rip.

Yeah, no, it's like I need to just like be able to relax and do a thing. I don't know. I'm just like, yeah, it's stupid. Now I'm, I'm doing better. So I'm like, you know what? I can fucking chill. Yeah, you don't even have to go. Like, obviously like West Coast kicks the shit out of East Coast in terms of like,

I mean, there are people that are just like, the Blue Ridge Mountains are great. I'm like, yeah, they're great until you've seen the Rocky Mountains. And you're like, oh, this is ass. Like, this sucks. And went hiking in Boulder's most amazing. It's awesome. I don't even, is that the Rockies? Yeah, yeah.

In Colorado? Yeah, absolutely. Did you have like an interesting shirt on or something when you did that? You know this story. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, we'll move on. Yeah, did you?

I don't repeat anything. I try not to repeat anything that I've ever said before. I started using different languages on each episode, just I don't have any. That's no crossover. Yeah. But you don't even have to go like upstate like the Adirondacks. Like that's beautiful or like going up to Maine. Like it's the shit.

Days. Were you there with me? When it was me, Leland, Adam Christopher, Graham. This sounds like something I would be at. We went hiking in upstate one day. I definitely, oh, yeah, I think you were that. Did you get lost?

Or, like, a group got, like, separated and, like, had to, like, find it. I don't remember. We were out for too long in the park range. I was so, you're there. Yeah. Yeah, they're like, we're so worried about you and stuff like that.

Like, a bunch of people kill themselves in this park. We're worried you guys to, like, a group suicide or something like that. Like, I don't know if this. No, we're just retarded. Yeah, we just don't know where we're going. That's my favorite. Where'd you guys hike? Brokeback Mountain?

I heard it's a long way to the top. Do you feel strong when you... I can't even... I'm so bad at faking serious. What is the name of that mountain, though? I know the one you guys probably want to. But fuck Ridge. Is it in like Pleasantville?

Off the Metro North? You're trying to say metrosexual? No, no, no, no. Pleasantville is a stop. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I don't know, but there's so many, too, because I had, like, Adderall on my wallet. Atter's like, oh, I love.

love one. And he just takes one. And he's just to go, like, hiking. He's just taking pictures. And that I've very, oh, thank you very much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just counting every step one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Shit, I stumbled. But, uh, yeah, well, dude, I wanted to pull up my, my, my dreams.

Oh, yeah. This is also probably somebody else's podcast. Actual dreams or like things that you want to accomplish? Uh, no, no, no. These are just dreams I had. Okay. So, I told you that funny one, dude. I had this tree last night that my friend Gabby, who did the cover

art for this podcast, very nice woman. But I had a dream that she had this art piece with a hole in it. And I, like, fucked it as a joke and nobody thought it was funny. And, like, everybody was, like, genuinely mad at me. And, like, not a single person thought it was funny. I was like, come on, I just put my digging it

for a second. There was a hole. Isn't that kind of silly? It was just, like, no part of me thinks that's... You know what is annoying? I find annoying. When people fuck art pieces. That could, like, that could honestly,

be, I could easily see that as being like... That's why the Mona Lisa's always frowning. People keep fucking. She's just unimpressed. Call me when you have 13 and half, baby. Until they put me in the museum of urban art. I won't have a smile on my face. But that, like, that could, I could easily see that being, like, a new performance

art piece where it's just like, come and fuck my art hole or something. Yeah. Oh, that sounds like an only fan's model would do. It's like a museum where it's just her pussy against a glory hole and different guys coming to have sex. Yeah. But it's like, it's like a paint,

you know how like, there's the paintings where you can put your face in? So it's just like one of those where it's like a happy family and then like out at the bottom. It's just a pussy. Yeah,

like the strong man. It's just the dog's mouth. Like, wait, what? Yeah. What is going on over there? But it's so funny too because remember my cousin was in,

my cousin, there's always like a cousin involved. People that wouldn't normally hang around the same people, but people were related there for some reason. And remember my cousin's just being so, he's just like, that just really wasn't funny.

And I was like, you're no longer the cool cause. I was like, I really like you. You're mistaken. Yeah. That was fucking hilarious. It was like,

I asked like, not 30, but I asked every single person. I was like, isn't this funny? And every single person goes, that's not cool. They're just,

you guys. It's kind of funny. They're not even pissed. They're just disappointed. Yeah, yeah. They're just like, come on, man.

Is that what woke you up eventually? Was the, like the real, realizing that everyone was unhappy with you? Yeah. Because I feel like if it was me, I would have woken up

when I busted it in the portrait. I didn't bust. It was like one second. It was like I put it through like the pizza box and like a point. Like, ah. Yeah, it wasn't a sexual thing. I was just like, hey guys, isn't this silly? My dicks inside the thing.

The whole fits perfectly. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But, and then I had dude, then the next one was, oh, I had the word. I was like headlining a college and everybody was just walking around the campus. And like nobody, like I started doing crowdwork and that everybody's getting up and like walking around in different directions of the room. It's like not a single person's listening, but I'm like, 23 minutes into the set.

It's like the most obnoxious thing. The sad thing is like when dreams like that can actually become a reality. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's a story that people have told on podcasts like that. Oh, for sure. Like chances are you're not going to get a chance to fuck a painting in your life. So you will never have to make that mistake. I think it's more likely I do that than headline in college.

Well, I don't know, dude. I don't think I'm a very college-acty guy. Yeah. Probably not. But I don't know, dude. When I was in college, like Tom Siguriken. and stuff like that. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm always saying you guys are on the same level. Yeah. I'm just saying he's not like he's a dirty TV. Yeah. I understand what you're saying.

They should start making like TVs with like a pussy built into it that you can see people have been trying to come up with this idea for it. It's like nothing. Just have sex. Yeah. We're trying to sidestep this by a thousand

different ways. Like what about a doll? What about a flashlight you could fuck? What about like a pillow that looks like a lady you could hump? It's like no, there's nothing will. ever come close to having sex with the woman.

Yeah. You know what they, they always make like a fake woman with a, like a, like a, like a, yeah, it's like a blow-up woman with like a pocket pussy. Yeah. What they should have is like, like, the pussy is fake, you know? They should have like a real pussy, like a real woman. And then just like a plastic everything else. So like you don't have to like talk or interact. You're describing like the Kardashians.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember being a kid that was so excited because I was like, how old days be to buy a sex doll? They're like, 18. I'm like, fuck, yeah, dude. I was like, not even excited. Because, like, in my mind, when I was a kid, I didn't realize that you could just have, like, I didn't realize, like, women, like, are excited about it. I thought it was, like, the most impossible thing to have sex to a woman.

So I was like, I could get it. I can watch pornography. I can have sex with it. And it was my life. I'll be okay. Yeah, yeah. That's when blow up dolls were, like, the, like, the, like, shitty one. Like, you're not like sex.

I was like, dude, I'll get one of those, like, inflated. still have never had sex with the one. But, you know, I think I will, just to know what it's like. Just to try it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think you're at a point in your life where you can do that. This might be the most point of my life that I can't do that right now. But, like, they were just basically like those inflatable alien.

Like, you know, like, you get it like a carnival. It's like that with a hold of its mouth. And you're like, hell yeah, brother. It's that hard rubber. Yeah. Where, like, the seam comes together and it's like really rough. Yeah. I feel like the lips of the vagina would be like the two, the two plastic edges.

Like, you know what I'm talking about? There's always a rough thing there. Yeah, they have like the glue or whatever. I would love if you got that. And I come home and you're just holding like a deflated doll. I'm like, what happened, Michael? And you're like, she said it was okay if I put it in her ass. She says it in the corner facing away just like, I can't look at him anymore.

I come back home. There's just a blowup doll at the corner, like waiting for a cab. I guess this one didn't stick around. It's just sitting on the couch with its arms folded. our other roommate Michael's like this never happened yeah the other roommate yeah has to hear me say like

no I swear dude I swear to God recently my dick didn't get hard I'm pretty sure I started bringing out my dead friends at one point I'm like now my friends died like three years ago

dude that is so true every like thing that could most of like my therapy like the problems I realize in my life are the things I end up saying like in the moment to a girl when I have a soft dick

yeah and I'm like and like, I don't know, like, I was like Catholic, so I have Catholic guilt. And then I'm like, Catholic guilt. Ooh. There's one for the chamber. This is actually the Pope's fault that I can't get hard right now.

Pope John, dude. Dude, we were watching Pope's Exorcist the other day. Fucking. Great movie. I only got the last 20 minutes and I was like, fuck yes. Yeah. Russell Crow just on a vesp. That's where I sent that picture.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Speaking Italian. Yeah. So fucking sick, dude. Yeah. To some demons. dude, it was sick.

Damn. Yeah. So all of your dreams are either stand-up related or are you fucking something? No, well, the other one was me on a...

That's kind of Michael's life. Yeah. That's what I mean, damn, dude, your subconscious should fucking deviate a little more. That's why I was so excited. A little close to home here.

I'm like, let me just get a little something else in my brain besides this. Right. The other one was we were watching where I was on a bus and there was a hand of a lecture

movie that had the most disturbing thing I've ever seen in my whole life and it was in my dream. So it was somebody whose face was sewn back together like a zipper and they were like suffocating

but they could sort of breathe through like these stitches in the thing so like they had no eyes or no mouth they were just suffocating on that and I couldn't use my phone on the bus so I had to just watch this movie and I was like can I please watch something else like no sir you can't be on your phone this is the in-bus movie you have to watch this horrendous

Hannibal Lecter movie and I'm like God damn I don't have like a lot of sex streams but like one of them I had this dream that like there was this friend of who was like, he kind of left my life when I stopped drinking. He was one of those friends. Like, you realize like, oh, this was our relationship.

Yeah. And he was in this dream. And he was always, like, crazy, like, doing crazy stuff. And we were, like, out of night drinking. And he's like, I'm going to suck my own dick. And I'm like, all right, dude, go for it. And he lays there and he starts sucking his own dick. But then he starts choking.

And, like, it's, like, stuck. And I'm just in this, like, CPR. I'm like in this moral. He's choking on his own dick. I'm in this moral quandary. I'm like, I want to help him, but I don't want to touch his dick. And I just fucking let him die, dude.

And I woke, I woke up and I felt so guilty. I was like, my homophobia killed my friend. That's so funny, dude. Not the fact that he sucked his own dick, like, in the street. And with such veracity that he got launched in his trachea. Like, holy fuck. That's also like, it's so funny, too, because you do feel that after dreams. You feel like you're that person.

Like, I've had dreams where, like, I wrap people out. It's like the bad guys. I'm talking to bad guys. I'm actually one of you. I'll tell you where the good guys are. And then I'm like, shit, is that who I am as a person?

And they're like, wait, I thought we were the good guy. Yeah. Yeah, but I'll, like, believe that for a little bit. Yeah.

And, uh, they stick with you, dude. You're pretty powerful. I had, the only, the weirdest dream I ever had was, like,

I just was in like a, like, a long room. And it was like, blank, except there was like a table at the other end of it. And there was just somebody sitting at the table. It was like this dark

haired woman. And like her face was kind of like shadowed by her hair and she was kind of like looking down. And so I like kind of like walked toward her. And then she kind of like looks up at me and you she doesn't she has like black eyes and she just said she just looks at me and she just points and she just tells me go back

down. And I'm like what? And she's like you know what to do. And then I woke up. And I'm like, What the fuck was that, dude? It was crazy. I was like, go back. I think it means you've got to be more general in the oral department. It's just my, it's my wife.

Scooby-Doo style takes a mask off. Some dreams are like the scariest. I had to kill my mom in a dream because she was a zombie. And I was like, I'd choke my mom to death. Yeah, I was like, is this? That's how you'd kill a zombie? I didn't have guns at the time. Okay.

My favorite is I used to have this, there was this Jamaican guy. that would mow my lawn. And his name is Ollie. Easy. And what he was? I don't know. I'm just kidding. But I had a dream.

He was like a zombie. And he had a chainsaw. And he goes, sorry, man, but I got to kill you. And then he just puts the chainsaw inside me. I know why the zombie was using a chainsaw. But I remember I was getting killed by him. I was like, no, all of your friends.

But, yeah, what was it? Yeah, I used to have this repetitive monster in my dream. And it's like the Louie. It was so weird because I saw an episode of Louie. And it's like the Louie. where there's like this weird skin monster. Like I had that, this thing had like no arms, or I had legs, but I had no arms

and like sort of this like a skin face. Kind of like the thing I was describing earlier. Oh. And it was just, it would run and it was like a mangina and it would run naked at me. Whoa, dude. But it would like repeatedly come up. I think that means you're finally a woman.

Jesus. Gross, too. Yeah, I have just fucking terrifying things. I had one with the ring. I remember. And it felt so real. It was like the girl came out of the thing. and was like choking me

and it was like very like I could not shake her off. Did you ever have? Oh then I've really fucked up ones about my dead friends where they come back because like zombies and shit is pretty disturbing.

I have a very like gruesome I had a night terror like a week ago about like one of my dead friends like dangling over my bed and I like broke like screamed in all the night it's so weird than going

the rest of your day like what me? Yeah no I'm fine just had to dream my friend who hung himself Yeah two cream one sugar yeah Thank you

extra shot of espresso please That, like, faceless entity you described, though, that's like a common thing. Yes. That's like a thing that is in multiple people's dreams. Well, it's also, have you seen Pan's Labyrinth? Yeah.

It's like that thing. Oh, yeah. Gotcha. Maybe there's a little subconscious stuff. Well, this was before I saw Plans Labyrinth. And then I remember my brother snuck into the movie. It's like two seconds of it. And I was like, oh, that's the shit that I sort of like see my...

It doesn't look exactly like that, but that's like a common disorder. Sure. Do you guys ever have the one where you're sitting in the backseat of a car and you look up and no one's driving, but the car's, like, moving. I used to have that one a lot as a kid. Yeah, I've had a sit. I have, yes, I have, like, the one where you're in a vehicle and it's clear it's out of your control. Yeah. And then it's just going, like, headlong off a cliff or something. Yeah. And, like, you wake up. Yeah. I get that one a lot. I also get the one where, like, I think this is just from, like, playing sports in high school, but it's either, like, some kind of baseball or football or

whatever just comes right at your face, like right as it's going to hit you, you like jump away. Yeah. I guess that was me just trying to catch football. I'm so unathletic, dude. Yeah. I'm not even kidding. I have this visual thing where it disappears when it's like, there's somebody, there's some name for it, but it really disappears when I get thrown something.

Oh. When it's five feet away, it completely disappears. Whoa. So I have to like have my arm centered if I have to catch a football, like in hope that it lands exactly where. Oh, is it like a spatial retardation? Yeah. Yeah.

That's probably. The technical term. Spatial retardation is the only like disease you can have that makes you sound like an astronaut. Neil Armstrong,

big spatial retail. Yeah. Spatial retardation. Oh my God, the Milky Way. It really is made of cheese. It is made of cheese. Dude, what's his name

was telling me? Tilsen was telling me there was a Howard Stern. There's this guy named Gary the retard who they have on Coward and they did an episode where they're not really burying the lead.

But they had an episode where they brought him, they made him think he went to outer space. And everybody's like, that's actually maybe the nicest thing. The kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's actually a really nice thing to do. They all want to be astronauts, but until we make technology that a helmet can fit around that neck,

we're not getting them up there. That's wild. Yeah. Just a bunch of like mentally handicapped people in like a launch and they're like, Boosters, boosters. The guy in the booth, he's like, Truster, druster.

Okay, I think we're ready for launch. Okay, three, two, one. The rocket just exploded. It doesn't even get off the crap. The mentally challenger. It just tips over.

They get to the moon and they brought no supplies because they thought it was made out of cheese. Yeah. Yeah. All the food we need. I like, I like, I like the idea of, like, all the tortilla chips.

Yeah. I like the idea of one of the, like, them not even trying very hard. Where they're like, all right, we're going to send you to the moon. They just like, all right,

close your eyes. And they just like, spin them around a bunch of times. And they're like, you're here. You made it. Like, we're all here. Wow.

I can feel the gravity. I listened to one, randomly yesterday. It was just a TikTok of, like, in like, 97 or 98. that like a serial killer called into Stern

and was just like talking and just like yeah I murder prostitutes. I mean nobody has gotten less interesting than Howard Stern. Sure. Like like, well like it's podcasts dude. Like he used to like he was like the edgy like my parents hated Howard Stern. And so like for a while I was like oh that he must just be a bad guy

and then you're as an adult and you're like oh no that guy was like kicking ass like when no one else was saying that kind of shit or doing crazy guests and stuff. And it's like, I just think the, I think the only one doing, I mean, it's totally a different field, but the guy who does soft white underbelly is like, like, I think that vein. It's not comedic, but this guy interviews like, prostitutes, heroin addicts, like, pedophiles, land members, stuff like that. Just like all kinds of different pimps. Yeah. That's like, it's like, it's a totally different thing, but I'm like interviewing, I don't, I think personally, like, you shouldn't be, I mean, CNN interviewed Osama bin Laden. Yeah. So it's like, everybody likes to get on the high horse. It's like, oh, this person interview, this, it's like, dude, who if I, if I, if I you're having a conversation with somebody and you're not paying them. I don't understand why this weird sort of like dilemma with I heard John Morgan wanted to do this thing. He's this injury insurance guy.

You've probably seen his signs around. But he's very awesome. He's from Orlando. I'm trying to get him on the podcast. But he was trying to set up an amusement park where they shipped Charles Manson to Orlando, Florida and he was behind a glass wall. And he was like trying to find out if there's a way you could have a thing where you could go talk to Charles Manson. Whoa. Which is fucking cool.

He's also like having Magneto, dude. You can't get too close. Don't listen to a word he says. It's also, yeah, I also think that, that an injury defense lawyer, like setting up an amusement park might have ulterior motives. Just like, the biggest moneymaker in history.

It makes it really loose. Yeah, exactly. Get out and kill everybody. Yeah. That are just, like, all of the rides, like, are never inspected. Like, he's just trying to get the insurance money for the claims.

Yeah, dude. That's cool. Yeah, no, I don't know. I've always like, you had, I'm always like, yeah, I'm fascinated with interviews with all these people. But it is funny, always the Ted Bundy one. He's just like, it was porn. Like, when I was a kid, I used to watch porn, I get so freaked out. I'm like, well, looks like I'd watch a bunch of porn and be like, I guess I'm going to become Ted Bund.

Like, I thought it was like clearly like, I thought you just reached a certain level of porn you watch and then you're just a serial killer. Yeah, yeah. Like, I didn't realize. I mean, to be fair, I was also like killing lizards. You were showing signs. Yeah, something knocked me on the right path. Yeah, cause for concern, you know? Dude, I have a very, like,

interesting smell on my fingers right now. Let me give it a shot. No, no, no, no. It's not good. Let me see it. Okay, when was last time? It was not your butt hole or your balls or anything like that, right? I don't know.

Okay, never mind. I would not in all good faith hand my fingers over to you. Real question. Not... Peanut butter. I would say 90% of the time, if I'm at home or, like, yeah, if I'm at home and I scratch... Got to check it out.

Got to. Yeah. If I feel like, if I feel like a sweat down there, which there always is, then I'll give it a with you. Yeah, just like, oh, how are we doing? Yeah, it's feeling pretty good. Yeah, it is kind of ironic that the only time I won't do that is like when I'm in the shower.

Sure. Like, so it's the only time it's a, so what I think what we want is that stang. Yeah, a little stank, dude. Yeah, we want that stank. A little aroma. I'm really good in the shower about cleaning my buttle. I'm borderline having gay sex with myself when I get my bottle in the shower. I'm like literally just like fucking just.

The fingers go so far up my asshole. Wow. Really? When I clean with soap. Yeah, I just, I don't know. I take a lot of shit. Doing an enema, like a cell fucking enema? Yeah, I soap up my finger.

I really clean my butthole. Wow. Wow. Does that burn? Because I don't go in. You know, you gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelette, and I want to have the cleanest butthole and death. But it's like, I think the thing is like I, I, I shit and I have those, there's

maybe something wrong with my bottle by shit and I wipe and I wipe and I wipe it. It doesn't really like, I have to like, I have to, like, I have to, I have. I'm on the toilet for a while wiping. There's somebody called them marker shits because it's like a permanent marker. Yeah. It just keeps. Yeah. And then I use like a little water from the sink on the toilet paper.

I need to get just like wet wipes or something like. Yeah. Yeah. What I do is I take a little squirt of witch hazel on the toilet paper. What is this? Like I wipe a bit and then when I think I'm close, put a little witch hazel on. It's like a, it's like a topical cleaner kind of thing. Like a salve?

Yeah. It's like it's like meant to like clean like. like out, not even clean out cuts, but like clean, basically just your butt. I think it's like your butt or anything on your skin that you want to like totally clean. So it smells kind of like alcohol, but it doesn't burn. Okay. Interesting. And like you do that, like one and it cleans like, it gets like a lot of it.

And then you can do like a dry one after to make sure, but that works pretty good. But you got to make sure you're like close to the end. Yeah. But it's a good. Does it sting? Does it sting? No. Doesn't sting.

Oh, that's a wow. Yeah. Yeah. Doesn't sting, and I've done it in all sorts of conditions. Wow. I will say that. Okay. Yeah.

No sting. So, there you go, dude. Problem solved. Next problem. Yeah. Keep having weird dreams. Dude, I have one, too. When I was occasionally, I wanted to train would go through my house or like a car.

Well, that would make sense here because a train is going through our house. Oh, okay. Interesting. Yeah, did you ever have the falling one? was this like where you're just falling uh no interesting you ever had a lucid dream dude i was gonna fuck thank you i was gonna ask that like i don't have i can't fully lucid dream like every time but there are times where i'm like i can like fly and while i'm doing that i'm like oh i'm dreaming yeah like i know this isn't

real and i've also had ones where like somebody's like coming at me and they're like gonna kill me and I just kind of like go like this because I'm just like if I go like this I know I know this isn't no one's actually coming to stab me right now and if I go like that then I just wake up oh okay so like I can't fully control what I'm doing but I have like oh I'm dreaming this is not real right you just really fucked up every time I'm waking in the morning and go oh yeah I don't have a girlfriend anymore it's like the first thought I have every day the last seven months I go ah shit yeah I really miss her you're just having lucid light I never thought

that's the thought I had that's how I started every single day I never woken up now I would say I'm not an unhappy person but I'm never wake up happy I've never woken up remotely happy yeah yeah yeah yeah I go to bed happy sometimes I'm like hmm that's why like dude

I've been looking for my socks for days and I realize they're all deep in this couch they're yeah all over our living room because I always get home and I kick my socks off on the couch And that's what I'm in like, I was watching Key & Peel the other night and I was like, oh, dude,

I just did the best fucking feeling in the world and just, like, sinking into the couch, dude, kicking the socks out. My favorite hour of the day, which I'm about to lose because my fucking kid, um,

no, is that like, you do, you do some spots, come home, my wife is asleep. And I, it's like 11, 30,

12, and I'm like, I have two hours. Yeah. I'm just going to smoke some weed. I'm going to make some nachos or frosted flakes or something. And I'm just,

gonna watch put on the two dumb ass YouTube videos hell yeah oh it's the best hours of the day you can still get

those hours yes but they might be moved forward yeah yeah or honestly backwards

where it's me at 3 a.m. just hanging out with my baby yeah are you breastfeeding there? yeah

okay that was you shook it right right here dude yeah that's how progressive we are is that I'm gonna breastfeed he's like I wear

the tits in this really yeah we the thing makes me sad is this happens every single night when I come out here. Not unless I do like a midnight show and then I come back

like two o'clock. But I'll come back late here and there's a moment where in Patty, like, all right, we're going to bed. I get so bummed. Well, it's usually around like 12. Marty's over? Yeah. Michael will get home at like 1130 and it will be finishing up a movie. And I can feel it.

I'll see the last minute of a movie. I'm like, I want to stay up with Michael because I feel bad. That's funny. The exact fucking opposite happened when you stayed at my place. Oh, do you want to know what was happening at your place? What? I was taking some sleeping pills.

Oh, okay. He goes, you just kept falling to sleep with a cat. Literally, like, I was, like, excited. I was like, oh, I got a buddy over here. We're going to, like, watch a movie. Like, we tried to watch El Camino three nights in a row. Dude, just, just, we watched it in six. Six minute chunks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, to the point where he'd be like, all right, man, I got to go. And I'm like, we, it's, for, the credits are rolling. Yeah, we haven't even started the movie. That would have been so fun. No, I was going through like a tougher time, so I was taking like basically Xanax to go to sleep. Yeah. And so I would just like, boom, just fully knock out.

Yeah. My wife has also wanted me to tell you that we are getting a lot of your mail and. Oh, shit. Okay. I'll change that. It's probably mostly Chase. Yeah. Yeah.

a thousand, what the fuck are we doing? Dude, that's what I thought. The funny part is, dude, this is, what I'm crazy, this is, this is fucking insane. So for like four months, because people don't know, Matt was kind enough to let me stay at his place. Yes, I was. When I didn't have a place. And it was so funny, too, because, like, I had to order a credit card there. And then for the last seven months, when Chase has asked me for my zip code, I have to go through text messages.

And find my zip. Why don't I just change the fucking address? Yeah. National Grid, like I owed, I think it was $38 to them. And I saw that and I was like, yeah, no way. So I just ignored it. And then like, they kept like calling and calling and calling. I'm like, they'll just give up eventually.

It's $32. And then eventually this guy called me on the phone. And he had like, he sounded like a mafia boss. He was like, hey, listen, you owe some money. And I was like, who is this? And he's like, I'm collecting on. of national grid or whatever. I was like, oh yeah, it's like $32.

He's like, yeah, it's $32. And I was like, so like, I'm in my room right now. I have $32 if you really want to just come over and get it. And he's like, no, what you got to do is go to the thing. And I'm like, dude, dude, this is like whatever. And he's like, listen, I will call back. And next time I will be more serious. I was like, yes, sir.

And I sent it. I like how in your head collection agencies, the people, people that make the calls have to go and hand pick up the money. Like, it's like, it's like, like, I'm not going to run this check over to the thing.

Like, just, I'd rather you break my legs and take the money, then me have to leave my house right now. Just take the loss, National, like, 30 bucks,

like, yeah, yeah, it's, they're like evil. I owe money, like medical bills too. Sure.

And I feel like that. Yeah. I don't have to pay. No. I kind of feel the same way. Yeah. have some when I had tons of light is that I'm like yeah no

but uh it's funny too because it's for like my appendix so it's like imagine like I never pay it and they just put it back in yeah they're putting a pillow over your mouth we can't they can't like trust that I'll

pay any anesthetics later they just figure dude I had it funny we're about to finish up brother so funny I was going to do my taxes today finally I'm finally doing my debt. By the way, I have, I should have prioritized that so early on it. Like, my thing's all fucked up.

It's May. I know. Okay. I was on unemployment for a little bit last year, and they never sent me the check, and then I went to, like, an office, and I just couldn't get this one form for the unemployment. And then randomly, my portal just let me log on. Like, it didn't work for a week. I called them. I emailed them eventually. It was probably, like, too overflowed from all the people doing their taxes.

Yeah, but, like, figure it out. out, you fucking read. I know. I fucking figure it out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I love big government. They're great.

Yeah. But it's so many too because like everything was stopping me. Like I tried to go to HR Block Day and the door was locked and just like nobody was in there. I was like, God damn it. And the woman eventually let me in. It was so funny because the woman goes to my taxes. And I watched her for like three minutes try to plug the wrong end of her phone cord into the box.

Yeah. And I was just like, I feel like you're not going to help me do my taxes. Yeah. How are you the smart one here? Yeah. I was like, it was so. And I was like, that's the wrong end. She goes, okay.

She's like a Spanish one. Yeah. This is that. I feel like we should require government officials to be obese. Interesting. Because I feel like if you, then if you really, really want to do it, like, you have to make a sacrifice, you know. What do you mean? Like, this Lauren Bober and like AOC and all these like kind of sexy people.

Like if they really care, they wouldn't mind packing on the pounds. and plus it would look really funny to just like see a house full of like the house of representatives just like really fat well that is thing too because it is interesting because there's something about

looking fat that does make you look stupid yeah yeah but they all have to be fat with bullcuts just like a little door the explorer that people but I think there is one thing where it's like if you're really trying at your job

there's a part of you that probably will be on hell like yeah you're gonna get fat yeah I feel like if you're good at your job Unless your job is, like, being an athlete. But I don't know if that's also a thing with, like, balance, where it's like, should a good politician be in shape just because mentally, they like, like, mentally they're better than if you're, like, if you're depressed and you're, like, just signing.

Like, it's got to be, imagine just, like, wanting to kill yourself. You're like, I don't care what we vote on. Right. Every bill is about McDonald's. Yeah. Oh, yes. Come on. We are.

I do think breakfast should be available at 1230 p.m. Yeah. The first decree is that the McRib will be back. time. Year round. All those in favor? We are wrap it up here, though. What do you guys want to promote?

News from Bed, the podcast on YouTube. Check out News from Bed. Visually the best podcast you'll see. That is very sweet. It's very fun. I like that a lot. Comedically the worst podcast. Yes.

Yeah, it's a pretty retarded podcast with a beautiful visual. Yeah. I'm going to be, well, by the time This comes out. I've already been in Austin, Texas, but I'm going to be in Austin, Texas, doing a bunch of shows down there. That's going to be really fun. I have a podcast called Matt Bowman is Bothered. And I'm actually starting another one with a comic that I met called. What is it called? He's called? Not named? No, this guy, no, his name is Michael Cassidy. And then it's called We Know Nothing About. And we're going to have on somebody that we're going to talk about something that we don't know anything about. And hopefully it's sort of, fun. Hell,

yeah. We'll tell you what you shouldn't have. You shouldn't have somebody on there who knows how to give a good time because you know how to have a good time. Brother, thank you so much. He does it again. I stumbled through that too.

I said it so. I was like, you should not have a guy good time and you do it. You good, gentlemen. You good, guy. Thank you guys so much for listening.