Morning Good - The Miracle of Life - Episode 328

Episode Date: August 31, 2026

Joe Gorman joins the show for today's episode. He and Michael discuss Irish gangsters, the Reggie Watts controversy, and pranking Josh Dittrich.Thanks to Joe for coming back on the show. Check him out on previous episodes and follow him for even more. Joe is on Instagram @joewgorman and hosts the Super Selli Joe's podcast.If you're in North Carolina, you can see Michael Good headline The Idiot Box Comedy Club in Greensboro October 3rd.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. I agree. Because they were like, okay, well, Harold and Kumar are friends, so they must be the same subspecies. It's actually racist to think the Indians are Asian. Yeah, it's insane. Because you're kind of just clumping it together.

It's like what, at that point, Like, are you going to call an Egyptian and African? No. Exactly. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Like, come on.

I mean, technically, Russians are Asian too then. Yeah. And I don't, I don't, like, I don't, yeah, I don't know. People are to, like, bow to them and speak to them in Chinese. It's like, comrade, I'd like to do Asian comedy festival. Yes. They're so far. We're here at Joy Gorman.

They're so fond. Like, my favorite YouTube accounts are just, like, random guys in a country where absolutely having sex with their family members. And they're just like, it's like an after hours rave where it's like the grandma and like a fog machine and a guy with like no teeth. He's just like clearly on some sort of weird methie, Molly.

It looks so fun. Those are, it's a dude, that's, that's true freedom too. Yeah. We think freedom exists here in America. It doesn't. It exists wherever those YouTube's are filmed. Yeah, I'm actually really xenophobic. I think if a guy started hitting on my lady that was like foreign,

I think I would just be like, he barely even speaks Like, I feel like I would be like, you probably talk so good. Well, that's not xenophobic. That's, that's... Realistic. I guess that's like, yeah. I guess it's, I guess it's just like patriotic. Yeah.

But you don't even speak English. You're not an American. Yeah, yeah. You can't vote. Yeah. Yeah, this is real. This is real. We decide elections here, baby.

Yeah, where you can be like, I want to have sex in you. Hey, baby, girl, let me see your feet. I'm not arranged to be married just yet. Yeah. I kind of went all kinds of three. Yeah. I was trying to be. It's a,

ethnicity's in that one, but you know what it works. It's a, it's a sinister foreigner. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The, I mean,

I think out of all of them is very funny because she talks about Irish gangs and they're so intimidated. She's like, oh, those lads, you say that for the lads.

Oh, why don't you give me a little of that, oh, what are you doing over here? I'm drinking a Guinness. I bet they got those little caps. Yeah, little leather jackets and shit.

I'm so, I'll be like, Patrick, what's he doing over here? Yeah, it's like, come on. I'll walk right up

and I'll be like, hey, Ireland's part of the UK and they'll be like, you better not to be saying that. Oh, no, he didn't just say that. What did he say? Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm like, you guys aren't scary. Like, the rap music videos are so funny because I don't have guns. It's just so unintended, they're like, hanging with my boys in the pole, and the polemen, right?

It's a lot of Europe, it's all about the stabby stabs. Yeah. A lot of, a lot of, they have blades. That's like a thing. Like, everyone says, um, gun violence is so low in London, but people are going around fucking slashing each other, like Wolverine. Yeah. I don't know why.

doesn't scare me. Maybe that is... Knives don't scare you. Maybe it is racist. Maybe it's because they don't have black people. I'm like, you guys don't have real gangsters. They do. Have you ever met a British black person?

They're so proper. Oh, yeah. I'm a British black guy. Yeah. Oh, suppose, eh? I'm a bit of a... Oh, it's not on my face. It's my skin.

Let me lick your bum. Oh, you think I'm a chimney sweep, do you? No. Oh, I'm black. I'm from Africa. I is. Hello. Hello, governor. You better

stop messing around. Are you going to get you going to get it? Oh, don't get your knickers up in a bit. Hey, you can't. Only we can say knickers. Yeah, all these bitches be shaking the bums. But it's like, okay, so like, as far as white gangsters, Russians scare the shit out of me.

In their, dude, even, yeah, man, they're fucking, they're intense. I wonder if that's the media, though, because it's a it's a Russian gangsters or it's a very easy way to have high stakes and and give into this idea

of foreign fear. Yeah, but it's not like entirely racist because like, well it's still a white guy so it is a real threat. Yeah, yeah. No,

and that's the thing is I don't think it like just comes down to, because it's like, okay, I think it's the fact that it's like, I don't know, because it's like, okay,

if you take like, like these are probably the foreign people I'm scared at most. Russian. than like MS-13 types. Okay. And then, see, that's the thing, but like an African guy doesn't really scare me.

I'm sorry, but I don't get, I'm not afraid of the idea of Yakuza. What's Yakuza again? It's the Japanese mafia. It's like, come on, dude. All of its media, all of its media, because it's like, I'm sure a fucking, like, I'm sure, like a guy from Africa would be much more intense than like a black gangster in America, but the aspect of like him having the accent just makes

it less scary to me. He takes the edge off. Yeah, but the Russian acts, but like, don't get me wrong, like an MS-13 guy would be scary, or like a, like a Russian guy. I'm trying to think what other kind of honkies are scared to me, like, I don't know, like a fucking German? Yeah, German. Germans are either

like super, like, the friendliest, Swedish shit, or like, fucking scary as fuck. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I kind of agree with that. You know, they're either like, Il' Ivan Lufin, or... Eiffen Rufin? You know, it's like, Yeah.

It's either like fucking charming, like, do, do, do it. Or like gay. Or like fucking Nazi. Yeah. That's it, man. If you're German, you're one of, you're either, you're either a jolly fucking gay guy or a fucking Nazi dog. Or Nazi. Well, they definitely are like over.

Now it's like the freest place ever where it's like you're, I've heard you have to act gay to get in the nightclubs. Like now it's, they're really putting a reverse on that. They have like a bouncer. You have to suck his dick to complete shit. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my buddy. apparently a Kit Kat Club.

It's like you have to dress super gay to get in there. Damn. Yeah. And then they have like... So you got like a fucking dildo hanging out of your ass? Yeah. Fucking cockering. Yeah.

I tried to guess gay, dress gay to get into a nightclub one time. It was me and Mahoney. Oh, yeah. My buddy's like, do you guys got a dress kind of gay to get in? So he's wearing like a... This lady got me a leash that says a good boy on it. So...

Oh yeah. It's... It's... I can't... Was your mindset in this like, I'm gonna be like the only straight guy at the club So a woman's gonna wanna fuck. Oh yeah, I was like,

Cause my buddy's like, It's a fucking sexy fucking, Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's just like free love. But like if anything, you go there,

it's like you're, I'm gonna get bar raped. Yeah, it's like just like you go there and then like, go to a gay club and then be shocked that gay men men want to fuck you. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. It's like, it's the same reason of like if a woman walked into like a fucking barbecue pit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's, you're asking for it. It's the exact same thing. Yeah. What do you do? What are you doing in our domain? Yeah, I mean, if I, if I didn't get brutally gang raped at this bar, I would, you know, if I did.

It's not a gay bar. Exactly. Gay people really have zero filter on consent. Like, consent has never reached the gay community. I don't care what anyone says. And like most gay couples, and like this is also going to sound. But it's like a lot of gay couples have like a very disturbing age gap. Oh, yeah. It's like, it's like, oh, yeah, this is like my first boyfriend. He's like a 56 year old guy. Yeah. It's like some 24 year old twink.

Yeah. And it's like, okay, I guess that's like, I guess they want to adopt and raise a child. Okay. Yeah, that's a fucking healthy environment to raise a child in. I would have fun with that. You know what people are like kind of like a little about gay's adopting. It would be so fun if they went in and it's an old guy with a leash. I don't see the problem. We just want to raise a kid.

Yeah, it's like take the ball gag out and say how this is consent. Yeah. But as I said, if I got brutally gang raped there, I would say yoke on my face, you know. Yeah. This is kind of on me. Yoke if you're lucky. Yeah, it's not going to be yoke. It's a man yoke. But Mahoney, I mean, I've never felt more up to my life because Mahoney didn't have any gay clothes. He's just walking me on a leash. And I'm like, no, no, it's not put it on until we're there. and it just you're like walking

like down the street to the game and he's giggling I'm like you're on the train and holding the leash and he's like telling people

he's friendly it's fine I don't know why it made me so uncomfortable I was like this is like it's a power dynamic

yeah yeah you don't you don't trust Mahoney to be the leash holder no no I don't like it at all but I think if I had I guess maybe

it would be funny to me if I had him on a leash but me being on a leash I was like it'd be even fun I know it's like, I know it was like a collared leash, but it would be much funnier

if it was like a harness leash. Right? I'm like jumping up. Like you try to go around and like, hey, no, no. It's one of the leashes

where you can like press the button to stop it from going further. Yeah. You know? I'm trying to get some pussy. Like no, no. Hey,

hey, you pull him back. Yeah. He's fine. He's fine. Yeah, he's, he's friendly.

Yeah, I don't know. Oh, there was actually some furies of the show the other week. What show did you do? It was late night at New York Comedy Club. And people, you know what?

I'm all four of them doing their. Everybody's like, oh, they're distributing the show. And then, you know, the security made them take their hats off. I'm like, that's basically like asking a Jewish guy to take his Yamakov. I think that's a hate crime. Or, like, I guess a more appropriate would be like a Hindu to take off their turban thing. Yeah. I guess that's probably also offensive to refer to as like a turban thing.

But you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. But like those, like, you know, those those weirdos with their fucking religious hats. But yeah. Also, how much do you, how often do you wash a turban? Because, like, I watch my towel not that often. It is technically a towel. I think because it's a religious thing, they actually have to maintain a cleanliness because

it's like, it's like the equivalent of having a dirty American flag. Like, that's also like, and technically illegal. Right. You know, like, or to wave like a tattered American flag, that's also illegal. That looks cool. That looks cool, though. I'd rather have a tattered one. It looked like I was in battle.

But that's supposed to symbolize, like, the fall of America. Like, you're only supposed to show like a tattered American flag. in like a post-apocalyptic kind of scenario. Yeah. You wake up, you see a tattered flag. You're like, what year is it? What happened? How long have I been asleep?

Yeah, you're confusing the old people. Yeah. Who I would like to start lying to. I like to go to old people homes and just lie about different things. Old people deserve to be lied to. Yeah. They deserve to be lied to. They ruined the world.

Yeah, and I'll say this. If you're old, why the fuck do you think I want to talk to you? They love coming up. I'm just being like, and they never, never wants any information. There's like, I sure. down there was your bank one time and then I don't give a fuck. I'm starting to like really dislike old people.

The world you live and no longer exists. Yeah. You know? You should fucking get out of here. Give me your money. Yeah. You're not going to use it. Yeah.

They think like shit still costs like a fucking quarter, you know? Yeah. And they're just going to complain about how things cost. And then you're like, that's my favorite Louis joke. We're talking about old people. He's like, you were like, what are you doing? Nobody knows you. I worry.

about that. I worry about that being like a 41 year old on an open mic. Yeah, dude. It's like, damn, dude. What am I doing? You're going to be an old guy. I am an old guy. I'm going to be, if I'm lucky, I'll be an older guy, but honestly, I don't think so, Michael. I think I might die soon. Yeah. Oh, well, it's been a hell of a run.

It's been a lot of fun. I've had sex over four women. That's good enough. Nothing left, man. I reached the top. Yeah, there's really, they, it all kind of feels the same. There's not really, I mean, a guy would be something. thing. I don't know. This is my thing. I'll just straight up say this. Is fucking a man on your bucket list? No, but

I don't know, there's certain things you go. I don't want to be on my deathbed and then you should be like, I don't know. Look, I'm not into the idea. You're on a deathbed like I wish I tasted penis just once. The Filipino male nurse just puts his wiener in my mouth. He's like, it's okay, it's okay. He's in

a better place now. It's less that. This is going to sound crazy. I'm not into women pooping. But you're into mint poop no I'm like I just it would suck if I was just on my deathbed and I was like maybe I never got

you know you know when we watched that video of Farrah Abrams No that was hot A little log cutter That was that was hot Pushing out that little Cuban cigar It was kind of hot But I don't think it's hot enough

For me to be covered in shit And say this is disgusting And I'm puking It was like I think you thought it was hot Because to poop in front of somebody Is to show like a deep level of intimacy Yeah I think it shows a level of confidence So there's something

hot about a woman doing something dirty that's like not a dirty girl. Here's a serious question for you. Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman has gone to the bathroom and left the door open? No, no, never. Wow. Yeah. I make her. Yeah, yeah, you go.

Leave the door open. Because women farting and peeing is hot to be because they're just like, like, the hottest thing is the woman peeing behind a bush. Yeah. Like, after a night out. Like, that's sexy because she's like, I'm a hot. I'm kind of there. I got a squat. I got a squat.

down. It's not like a dude because like a guy can just like fucking take a piss standing. Yeah, you know, that's a guy. He can't even bear it. Sometimes you don't even know if a dude's like fucking taking a piss. Yeah. You know? You don't know until you see that little fucking stream. Yeah, you think he's just shown wiener. Yeah. I got a weirdly wide penis head. Really?

Yeah. Somebody, I got this text the other day. Would you rather, um, pee a marble or poop a softball? Oh, I'd love to poop a softball. Yeah. Yeah. I bet that feels fucking great. I guess coming out, but it's like you're probably, your anus is just bleeding and stuff. How big is this awful size of your fist?

Yeah, that's gonna bleed. No. No? The elasticity of the human asshole. Because like when a woman has a baby, their pussy and their asshole become one fucking thing.

You know that. Dude, I'm not. Marriage, like they become one. No, it's like it's literally like they're, like they rip from their pussy to their asshole.

I don't believe. leave this. I swear to God. Like, women shit when they have a baby. No, I know that, but it does not, the area that divides it does not open up. It does. It splits open, dude, and it's a giant fucking hole. So you're telling me when a woman shits,

or sorry, it has a baby, I know they shit, but you're saying... I've had sex with two women that have had children and both times the vagina has been something else. Okay, I've had sex with the mother also, but it's not

All right, bragger. I'm not saying that. Let's pump the brakes a little bit. Okay. I'm the guest. But what you're saying is that it becomes, turns into an eight into a zero. Like it just, it just. Pretty much.

It opens. Well, it's like, it's like, I think it looks more like a reverse amoeba splitting. It just becomes one. Yeah. It like, it fucking rips it up. And like the doctor sew it up. You know, that's where the term the daddy stitch comes from. I've never heard what is the daddy stitch?

So the daddy stitch is when the doctors are sewing the vagina back up. Okay. And they give like one extra stitch to the pussy's a little bit tighter than before. And that's for daddy. So when he has sex with mom again, it feels good. Yeah. I don't think it'll ever feel good again. Sex with your, the mother of your children?

No. No, because the whole fucking dynamic changes. Yeah. She's no longer just like this chick you're throwing it in. That's the mother of child. she is. You know? Yeah.

So just know future wife that I will never look at you the same. Yeah. You're damaged goods. Damaged. Damaged goods.

You're still, you can still be in the house, you know? Yeah, you know what? Subway takes, you know, it gives me the ick.

Yeah. The miracle of life. How about you knock that off? Hard agree. Yeah. No, I do like, I do,

I think, uh, I am attracted to Milves. I mean, RIP, Dolly Parton. I'm... Yeah, the ultimate

milf. The gilf. The gilf. I'm so depressed to find out that those naked pictures of her were photoshopped. Yeah.

I thought this whole time, because I'd cranked him to do my. I liked the old lady titties and that fucking hair. It's funny to crank it to like those early like non-AI, just poorly photoshopped nudes.

Because I believed all of them. It's on the internet. Why wouldn't it? Yeah. The AOC ones? I was like, this is legit. I mean, like,

yeah, AOC should show show some boobage. Yeah. She's got a great little body and she shouldn't hide it behind all these fucking blouses

and sports coats and whatnot. I want her to listen to the podcast and then like with basically her hand on my neck and then she's like you think that's okay to say you just use nine microaggressions.

Maybe I should spit in your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fun. Yeah, maybe I should fucking take a piss right in front of you. Lovely. This sounds like the America we should be living in.

I mean, this is what, remember when January, If you want to be taken seriously by me as a woman, you have to sexualize yourself. Absolutely. Trust yourself. Yeah.

Damn, that's cool. Yeah, yeah. Getting all worked up over here thinking about AOC. The O in the middle is just what happened to her vagina. Yeah. Pussy when she fucking delivers my fucking massive ass baby. Yeah. 38 pound baby.

I like that. Yeah. You know, she's freezing her eggs. Really? Yeah. Well, I'm going to sneak into her house. Is that rape if you just come on the eggs?

You don't have sense with her. I think so, because there was that case where it was like a, uh, uh, um, uh, one of those doctors that, at a fertilization clinic, he was like, basically like there was like, there was like, there was like, like, hundreds of fucking kids that he sired, basically. I'm like the reverse of that. I really do not want any versions of me running around. Oh, absolutely not. The, the generational trauma ends with me.

Yeah. You know? Like the cycle that we have to, somebody has to break the cycle. Yeah. So I don't want kids. I'm, I'm going to, you know, I'm going to keep buying video games. I'm going to keep buying dogs. I'm going to keep buying candy. All the shit I wanted as a child. Yeah. Or the things I'm investing my time and money. I think if you have an abusive father, it's your right to, uh, your obligation to cut off your penis testicles. Yeah. Because it needs to end. I mean, I would get a vasectomy if it really came down to it. I don't mind the idea if they can reverse it I kind of should get one. Honestly,

like this is my subway take. I think everyone should get a vasectomy at birth and then it's like later on in life you can choose to reverse it. That's a fun subway take, yeah.

I think that's fine. It's like, I think people like, totally disagree. Yeah, because it's like you're from a fucking country and shit. But like,

let's be real. Like, I think, I think it's funny if you took up a sunglasses and you should have no eyeballs. But like, a cool guy

with shades. He just looks like fucking who has no eyes? He's a movie character that has just no eyes. I would say like I was going to say Stevie Wonder. Yeah, but he has eyes. I don't know. Have you ever seen him? It's a good point. It's a great point. I don't think I hear my subway, my new subway take. Stevie Wonder

never has eyes. Just zero eyes. He's always like looking around, but he's not see shit. No. Well, why are you moving your head, Stevie? Yeah. What are you doing? Surveying the area? you don't have eyes. Well, you probably fake a little bit.

Like, there's no way people fake laugh. He probably fake looks at things. People are like, oh, these are my kids. And he's like, oh, those are great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's like that, I guess like blind people, they have like that, they feel your face. Yeah.

For familiarity. Yeah. I mean, I never know what to do when any sort of disabled person comes by me. Like a blind guy. Avoid them. Yeah, it's a good way. And what if they're contagious? That's true.

And I were putting yourself at risk. Yeah. Yeah. I always see a blind guy and there's a little part of me that wants to like pick him up and move him to where he's supposed to go because it just takes so long that you're like and you want to help him out a little bit. And like when they're crossing the street or something, like I don't know. It's like, can I help you? Yeah. I guess that's because I'm a good person.

Yeah, yeah. But I also think I look at it too condescendingly that I feel like I probably end up talking to him like a baby. Right. I mean, they're daredevil. They probably have like sonar and shit. Yeah. Who gives a fuck? Like a bat. Is that show any good?

Daredevil? Yeah. Don't waste your time. Don't waste your time with any. anything. I mean, if you watch the first three seasons, it's pretty good. But then, like, that was when Netflix did it. Right. But now everything, dude, I don't want to keep up on any of that Marvel stuff anymore. And I loved comic books, but. Yeah, I was big into him. And then I tried watching, I haven't gotten into lanterns. And some guys telling me, he's like, oh, well, I was

like, acting's kind of bad. Right. And the writing is it goes to wait until you find out what's happening. And I'm like, what? Is there like a weird multibir? Like, are they all aliens? I don't, I don't know what the thing is. I don't know. I think the guy is like just trying to, admit the show sucks, but he doesn't want to. He's just like, no, no, they're pulling something even bigger. I am getting kind of disappointed with all of the James Gunn DC shit. Well, I like Superman. I liked Superman, too.

Apparently Supergirl wasn't great, but I'm going to wait for that to come out on HBO. Yeah, I'm going to wait to fucking turn the volume off and just tug to it. Yeah, dude, she's got a nice little body, Millie Acock or whatever. You're looking for your joint? Yeah. Yeah. Last time I got high of the podcast, I was incoherent. Yeah, that's okay.

We're mixing it, though. I can steer the ship if need be. Do you, so you're off weed right now. I'm off, I'm taking a little bit of a tea break. Oh, girl. I'm about two weeks in, and it's not bad, but like, I was just like getting like, breathing problems, man. You know why?

It's because I'm, I would smoke like an eighth of weed a day. So, like, when people are like, weed is harmless, like, they're talking about, like, a joint or something. Yeah. But, like, apparently, like, you can't, like, smoke, like, an entire orchard a week. Definitely not. That's terrible for your brain. Yeah.

So I'm just getting out of that habit. And it's not bad. I do sleep a little bit better, but I haven't gotten dreams yet. At all? No, because like I don't, I usually don't dream when I sleep.

Do you? No, you always do. Everybody does, but what, you don't remember it. Yeah. I,

it's really funny because I nuke my brain with Kalanapan. I still remember all my dreams. Wow. Yeah. They're just chill-ass dreams. I'm just like basically like a 50s

housewife who's, you know, abusive husband, but I'm peeled out, so it doesn't matter. The last vivid dream I had, it was like, it was probably like about a year, not a year ago,

but maybe like four or five months ago. And it was like my stepdad passed away and in real life. But in like the dream, it's like, it's like, oh, we found out he had like this apartment

that we never knew about. So just like going through the apartment. And like it was like left to me. Yeah. Like, you know how like it was like almost like a Batman origin type thing? where it's like, oh, now I have like a house that I can live in and, you know,

it's like now I have a car and stuff and this is all like going to be mine. Yeah, I have those a lot. So I wish I only got nightmares because after a nightmare you wake up and go, oh great, everything's fine. I have the opposite. I have good dreams where like,

I think I owe $4,800 credit card. Really? I had a dream that I just got $4,800. I was like, this is great. And then nothing. I go so the highest, like it's like, today I had no money. money, hit the plasma clinic, went out, did work, and then I was just like, damn.

But then randomly, I was just like, I'm going to the beach tomorrow, and I was like, I'm going to gray mood. Like, I don't know, it's like, it's very perspectivey, but I don't know. I think you'll be okay. Yeah, everything's going to be fine. I think people do not understand the, like, I sound like a fucking cunt because I got to do a great experience, the Massas Square Garden. But I think people, like, don't understand how bad it feels to be so,

I thought I'd either go two ways that I was going to bomb and fucking humiliate myself or I was going to do good and something would come of it. But people don't know how much, like in your mind there's that little piece that you're like, all right, well, maybe like I won't be poor. I don't even want to be famous. I'm like, maybe this is the thing that I work so hard to get to. And then you're like, oh, I led to nothing. So they're a little bit of like an emotional letdown with that.

Where I was like, I don't even want to be fucking famous. I don't care about that. I'm like, it would just be nice. I'm just like, you know, it's little things that I'm like, maybe this will help me a little bit, and then you're like, just in the same spot. Well, you know, it's like,

what's the, in comedy, you know. Which is why, by the way, I'm absolutely pandering to feed guys now. I used to say, how to pandering, I'm fucking, I'm gonna become a sex worker.

Step on Jello and shit for that. Rub Vaseline all over your feet. Yeah, yeah. If this is what you want, is this is what gets the fucking views. It is. Oh, dude, that 100% is. Like, that's a lot of comics are doing that.

Yeah. Where it's like, you know, teasing. and shit. If this is how I pay my producer, I will do that. I will take a fucking, yeah. But yeah, I don't know.

There's a little bit of that going on. But I'm also like, I don't know, I'm also like, let me just enjoy the summer. I work so hard. I enjoy it a little too much on fucking Saturday. I only spent $10, but I went out. And I think it was Friday. I went out after shows and,

yeah, I went on a rooftop and just did a bunch of drugs. Nice. that's always fun. It is. But my whole rule is, I was like, oh, I'm always going to test my stuff. But it's hard to do if you don't have enough money to buy the stuff.

Dude, don't waste your money on like that. Dude, I say this frequently. And, you know, this might be a good... Fentanyl's not real. I don't think it's as prominent in the cocaine as we believe it.

Every other, making it seem like every other bag is fucking fentanyl. I don't fucking. think so, dude. Yeah, but some, so there's a weird thing going on our own. I tell you about how people

think I'm dead. Oh. So this awesome comic did, uh, he did kill Tony. He went out, did Coke and died.

Nice. And it's a good way to go out. That's the way. And then, uh, because his friend went on like the next week and was like, uh,

my friend did this show, just die, Michael, herr, fumbled. And then, uh, uh,

fucking fly went by and Tony smacked it. He's like, oh, I just hit the, ghost of Michael Good, because this was recorded before MSG, so my name was like maybe flown in his head, or he just wouldn't care if I was dead or alive. Oh, my God.

So I got for, I mean, I'm mid-crank and I keep getting these RIP comments on my stuff, and then I'm like, I don't even know what this is. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, and then I found out people think I'm dead. But then I was like, after that I was like, oh, let me make sure I don't do any drugs without testing. I only do ketamine, and then I tried

2CB this week. And you know what that is? No, what's that? So there's a new drug called Tusi that's Coke. Damn. Lillam. Molly and ketamine. And that was made just to mimic 2CB. 2CB is basically just like, I looked it up really not that bad for you.

As far as we know, we haven't done the research yet, but apparently it's been around since the 70s. So it's supposed to feel kind of like acid and Molly. Okay. And this guy's like hyping it up. He's like, dude, this is fucking, I'm friends with Hamilton Morris, like the vice guy who does all this drug documentaries.

He's like, this is so, this is legit. I promise you, there's no cocaine or anything like that. And I did it. I just felt fucking. Well, I started fucking with the guy. I was like, I feel really good because on the drift, I'm like, I'm really, I'm like, dude, I think I could fly. I'm like, dude, I really think I could fly. And I'm like, no, I just, I wasn't running for an hour with this party. It's being like, dude, I really think nobody's tried hard enough.

I really think I could fly. And people were just spazzing. Nah, dude. But it was a zero hangover, and it was just like a nice. Little trip? Yeah, and you're not like tripping balls. Everything just looks kind of brighter. You're like a little bit energized.

It feels like just the beginning of acid. but I was like, this is kind of the best thing I've ever tried. I don't know. I think you should stick to the natural shit. Shrooms, weed, meth. Yeah. Yeah, I keep getting fucking R-Met. I forgot I went on to R-Met and now I get all these comments from R-Met that are like,

biggest regret of my life. I'm 21-year-old female. I just tried meth the first time. Damn, dude. Yeah. Who's posting on, are they trying to get like tips on how to smoke meth or? Showing their favorite. Some of it's so much fun.

Some people are like, check out this new pipe I made. It's like a Bart Simpson cup with like fucking crack in it. And they're like, yeah, it's really, it's really fun part of the internet. I don't know. It also is a thing too where it's like, I don't, I mean, I'd never smoke crack or meth. And I genuinely do, will say I will never do drugs out testing it ever again. That's just sincere. I want to treat it like it is like, you know, protecting the children of Israel.

And, yeah. Make sure they're safe. Yeah. Good for you. Yeah. Good for you, oh, Michael Good. Oh, Michael Good. Michael Good.

Protecting the children of Israel. Yeah. I mean, it's, yeah. How does that happen with the war? I don't want to get too into the war, but have Israeli children? Israel shouldn't die to, right? No. No?

What about that festival? Not since October. And let's say, let's be real. Like, they say like, they keep hiding behind October 7th. Right. I think more Palestinians died in October 7th. People are going to shit on me for this, but I do support... They died attacking.

The guns misfiring. Yeah. But Israeli is just constantly, like, dehumanized Palestinians. So I'm sure, like, millions of Palestinians have been killed. Yes, this is my thing. Until I go there, I don't believe it's a real place. I would not recommend going to that place. It's hard.

I'm like, I don't know, man. There's a bunch of Jews, dude. Why do you want to go to that fucking desert full of Jews? White Jews, the worst kind. the worst kind of white Jews that are like I'm not white I'm Israeli which is charming cut that I know you're goofing

I'm goofing yeah no I uh to all of our Jewish bosses we're just goofing yeah I don't think uh I don't know but uh yeah I don't I'm really just tired of it all I got I gotta probably delete Twitter because it's just the same fucking uh social media is just brain rock dude My new least favorite guy is that Andrew Wilson guy who's just really... I don't even know who that is.

He's that guy who like, he goes on those... He basically just calls women whores and like is basically like, but not like a fun way. He's just like an angry way. Yeah, like there's a girl. Like a Nick Flentes kind of way. Yeah, yeah. I also, I've always said this. A woman needs to sneak into a Nick Fuentes house and take his virginity without his consent.

Yeah. And then I think he'd chill out a little bit. He would 100% chill out. Yeah, yeah. Like, he has such school shooter vibes. Yeah, and I've always said his voice, his name sounds so cool and doesn't match it. Nick Fuentes sounds like the guy in the lacrosse team

who's throwing a sick after prom party. They're like, we're going to Fuentes' house afterwards. It sounds like, the name sounds cooler than he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fentz should be a party animal. Yeah, dude. But, like, it's like, so I don't, I don't understand like this. And Nick is a chill for his name.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Nicholas. Nicholas. Nicholas. Did you test the ketamine? Do you think that... Because didn't he live with his parents?

That's so funny. Probably. He was living with his parents just being like, the Jews and the peeps and just say that upstairs. And then fucking his mom's just like, Nicholas, I made cookies.

Yeah. He definitely has the energy of a guy who's never been punched in the face. See, but I have a weird take on this. I know people that have been punched the face a lot at times. I've been punched in a lot. And it's never matured me in any way.

Really? Yeah. It made me incredibly, flinchy. Yeah, and by way, it's coming. I'm getting a sock at some point. I feel like at this point no one's going to really fucking hit me because I'm just so chill, dude.

Yeah. It's like if somebody hits me and like I've been struck before, but that person was always in the wrong. Yeah. You know, and I don't know. I could probably kick somebody's ass, but I choose not to. Yeah. I am, the true measure of one's strength is

how kind and gentle they can be. This is true. Everybody, this is probably made by somebody who's not strong like me. I'm saying, I'm not a very strong guy. But there's one guy that's like the actual alpha is the one that's like making the plans. And then I'm like, in my mind, I've convinced myself that's the actual

alpha. It's not the strong guy. It's the guy who's getting everybody to like him, doing all that kind of stuff. True alpha is one that doesn't need to establish themselves. This is true. Through actions. Then why does Joe Rogan physically fight every door guy at the mother ship?

people don't know about that he absolutely beats the shit out of everybody that works there he has a bad relationship with his father when you look at Joe Rogan's relationship with his father everything is explained it's like okay he fucking hates his father so he creates this idea of what a man is

I know the video you saw I know the exact video you saw I watched that tag I was like I'm Joe Rogan senior and my son sucks ass yeah that is really funny just that that fucking loser who's coming on. He's like, yeah,

yeah. Yeah, and then his sister, he has like a half sister who's like, yeah, he's garbage. And you're like,

oh, you need to talk to your father. He doesn't have much time left. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, why, dude, he's on a boat

having a good-ass time with his hot wife. And yeah, he's, I don't know. But, yeah, those documentaries are really funny.

Like, I will watch them where they're just breaking down. Because that is what I think it is. I think it's just a bunch of people hanging out,

kind of doing a thing. people get egos. They're surrounded by a lot of people that are trying to get something out of them. So maybe they get a little weird. Like obviously Tony's a little weird. Joe's a little weird. I don't think, but I don't think it's... Echo chambers. Yeah. It reaffirms, like, thoughts that they already have of like, I'm the funniest guy. I'm the toughest guy. I'm making money, so I'm doing something right. Yeah. And I don't think it's a thing where like, I don't like the comedy wars thing because everybody that's like shitting on these people. Like, you should make fun of it. Like, absolutely make fun of it.

all these things. But the weird thing is the people that, like, they're like, I'm gonna just make a video of me shitting on, like, these other comedians because, and you're like, you're doing,

you're doing the same thing. You're kind of like them saying, fuck, anti-woke and you saying, them saying, fuck, it's just the same shit on different sides. I mean,

people just are, at their base, you know, people get, want to tear somebody else down. Yeah. And, you know,

it's like one of the things like, here's, you know, look at the news with like Reggie Watts right now. And here we got waiting to get into this. You know, fucking ketamine, regular ketamine user. Yeah. And then it came out that his girlfriend, he made his girlfriend do like way more ketamine

and she ended up taking her own life. I thought it was just because she listened to his music. She took, she took, booboo bab, she took comedy bang, bang seriously. Bang! There were two bangs. The bang from the gun and the bang when she hit the ground. He just goes, look at the trap.

Shubby-do-b-b-b-b-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo. And then you got some people like, yeah, Reggie Watts has always sucked. And it was like, well, where the fuck was that attitude, like three years ago? Yeah. Very fucking brave of you to have an opinion on Reggie Watts now after he did this incredibly cool thing, which is force a woman to fucking kill herself by doing too much ketamine. Now, I love drugs, and, you know, I have been in situations. where people have had mental breakdowns,

um, binging drugs. And I was binging the same drugs that they were doing, but I was just fucking on my phone. Yeah. You got to learn how to shut drug brain off. People let the drug brain win and you go, this is just drugs.

I mean like, I feel like a lot of things with drugs and, and I'll say acid in particular, uh, if you have any kind of feelings, emotions or thoughts that are kind of like, I better not think about that, you know,

like it will bring it to the surface. And you have to work through that. Like I was working, like one time I was on acid and I wanted to fucking kill myself because like I had been going through like a pretty bad breakup. And I went through a bad breakup and then like I hooked up with this girl that I thought something was going to happen, but she didn't. Oh, dude. Like the second girl looked at my ex.

I was like, this is my new girlfriend. Yeah. And it just didn't work. Yeah. And I was just like, God, I'm so unlovable. And like I don't, I'm never going to find anything. And I'm, and like, this is just it. Like, I'm going to feel like I'm in this whole forever.

And I remember thinking, like, it's like, uh, I was able to forgive like my girlfriend. I was like, well, I wasn't like that great of a boyfriend. Yeah. When those thoughts start coming in, I just start thinking about how fucking I just, oh, yeah, yeah. But like, it was able to work through it. It's like, well, if I can be a better person, then I will find the love I need. Yeah.

I just got to work through it. And I worked through it. And it was actually like a better. And it's crazy because then like I went outside and I saw the sun and I was like, okay, things are going to be okay. But you do need to work through. Like there is drugs, especially psychedelics, will like if you have lingering thoughts, lingering feelings, like it will bring it to the surface. I feel like mushrooms help me empathize with folks more. Yeah, I could see that.

Like I used to have fucking, oh, I hate my fucking Republican fucking family. But at the end, like, they're doing what they think is best. Yeah. I don't agree with it. You know, but at the end of the day, it's like, what, what do we want? We want to make sure that the people we love are protected. We want to make sure that we have food. Secure borders and Christianity.

And a Bible in every classroom. Yeah. The basics. The basics. No, yeah. Because I, dude, all that's, yeah, absolutely. I just think it's a thing, too, where it's like, I hate this. So my mom, when I was a kid, she was like, you know, Whitney Houston, you know, she was great until, you know, her boyfriend started giving her cocaine.

I hate this, like, victim mentality as if, like, women, like, don't know what drugs are. Like, they put a fucking funnel in their mouth. Yeah, yeah. It's like, are you aware of how expensive drugs are? Have you ever been to a single party and you have a bag of Coke? The women just fucking will go to it. Even ones who never tried it. It's like, they want to do drugs.

Like, this, I hate the, like, fucking fake feminist mentality with her like, oh, she's a victim. It's like, she's a human being and she did drugs. Like, I fucking hate, even, like, at any level, they're like, oh, my son tried drugs because he was hanging out with a group of people. And your son did drugs. He did the choice. He sought those people out. Yeah. Like the idea of, like, peer pressure is like, maybe it's kind of a thing.

But like, I mean, like, look, today you offered me a joint and I was like, I'm good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, people can turn it down. Like, I didn't. Yeah, we don't do that with fucking Epstein's Island. We don't go, oh, they were so, these billionaires, they didn't know what they were getting themselves into. And they saw a little bit of child pussy. And then they.

Bill Clinton was peer pressure to Epstein Island. The pressure was so much. I don't know what they'd do. Oh, fucking grow up. Yeah. It happens so much with women, too, where they're like, this whole last bit, they're like, oh, you had the drugs, and then they did it. And then he focused on his career so much. And then the silliest thing of it all is like, I mean, look, I'm close to a, I mean, I know so, not so I mean, I know a lot of people have committed suicide. And at the end of the day, that's one person's decision. It's like, it's like, it's like, one of the things that go, I'm not saying that means they're in the right head space. And they're not going to influence it. But you cannot blame somebody else for somebody killing themselves. In the end, like, everyone has to take responsibility for their actions. Yeah. And, you know, it's, it's fucked.

dude, I wouldn't want to do drugs with some bitch and then she kills herself. Yeah. It's like, that's going to ruin your fucking trip. Yeah. That's going to ruin your fucking.

If anything, she should fucking apologize for ruining this fucking ketamine trip. That would be, do you think he's going to make a song about it? He's going to be good. He better. Microfriend to bang,

bang, microphone to bang bang. It is fun. Like, he's like they fucking pulled his theme song off of that podcast. I didn't even know that was still, that podcast was still going on.

I just don't see how. any light you go, okay, well, he introduced her to drugs and then she killed himself and that's like, now he's like, that's like a me too. You're like, that's fucking, anybody could introduce anybody to drugs. It's like, if you're a grown up, you go, okay, my boyfriend's doing a bunch of drugs. I don't really want to do drugs to them. Or like, like, sober people have a responsibility to be like, I'm not going to associate with people that do drugs. These people may be this, this or that. And also, he thinks he's like a, I don't know, psychedelic wizard. And it's like, I don't think he's doing anything wrong. You probably- Well, that's calling yourself a psychedelic wizard is wrong.

It's like, I'm a drug addict, and that's why I'm doing this. I'm not going to be like, I'm spiritually enlightened, man. I'm just going to fucking tap on the sky. Yeah, the second you say anything about spirituality in like your post, like, it's like, you could have a conversation. I don't know, I've never had an idea that I go, this is such a, this is such a helpful idea that the world needs to. I'll say something on a podcast, I'll do a joke. I'll try to maybe make a point on stage if it's funny.

but I'm not going to be like, people need to learn from me. People don't need to learn anything. Classes in session. Yeah. I hate that shit. I hate lecture comedy. Yeah. Because it's like...

But I don't know anything about the guy. He seems like a great guy. He's just like, he's like a music. It's like it's improvy, uh, free association, but it's like, it's like, the songs I've seen her funny. Yeah. It's like he just like makes songs on the spot based on like suggestions from the audience. So it's sort of like improv, but it engages.

and I don't know. It's just like he's just like a fucking popular fun guy, but it's like, okay, he does ketamine. Yeah, yeah. Just fucking be aware, man. I used to do ketamine all the fucking time. And it was fun and my roommate got me into it. But if I fucking killed myself.

Yeah, you're not going to blame your roommate. Fuck no, dude. If anything, it's like, well, thank you for fucking showing me how to get this fucking cool thing. It was crazy because like we each got like five grams of ketamine. Oh my gosh. And like two days later, I like went through my ketamine. And I was like, fuck, I want to have, I want to hit it up for more, but I don't want her to think I'm like going through all of it.

And then she was like, I went through all of my ketamine. Should we get more? I'm like, yeah, we should. And it was and I was like, damn, this probably isn't great. It's definitely addictive. People say it's not addictive. I'm like, well, it's definitely addictive. All drugs are addictive.

Some are easier to break and some you don't get withdrawals as bad as others. But like it's, because it's like anything that gives you an endorphin rush can be abused. easily. Yeah, of course. And that one's also like, you just totally melt into a different universe and stuff. Like, I did it on this, like, I was sitting on the roof. And then I literally was convinced that the roof was a boat moving around the Hudson River. Like, I love doing, I love entering the K-hole.

Yeah. I love, I know people like, oh, go free to the K-hole. But, like, that's how you like, you know, you did it. And like, I would enter the K-hole. I'm like, I'm good. I'm good. I'm entering the K-Hole. This is what I, this is, I got my, I got my money. worth out of this drug.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's why it's really funny. People are like, oh, well, medical ketamine is a different thing. You're like, they're cahling you for an hour.

That's like way more than if you snorted it in a nightclub and started dancing. Just a little bumps skis? Yeah, yeah. A little bumskies to break up the monotony of doing cocaine. Yeah. And it is totally.

You're like, yeah, no, I don't want to think about any of the things in my life. So it's very escapist. It's nice. Sometimes you need to turn it off, man. Yeah. We have so many obligations as adults.

Like, drugs are meant for adults. for adults. They're not meant for teenagers because it's like, well, fucking stress. Work. Fuck that. You know?

Stress as an adult is like there's consequences to fuck. Like, fucking up as a kid, it's like, okay, there's consequences, but it's not like life ending consequences unless you kill somebody. Yeah,

yeah. And then maybe you should be able to do drugs. But like failing a test, you know, getting a C, it's not as life ending as you think it is at the time. It's just you don't have any, frame of reference as a teenager.

Oh yeah. And for me, I was pumped full of Adderall, sat down with an Asian tutor from Yale for hours. And I was like, I have to make these grades. And don't get me wrong, it was,

I only wanted to go to college to party. So that was like nice and that paid off in that way. But as far as like, I mean, I can't even fucking scrape rent together and went to college. I went to college

because I was told I had to go to college. Yeah. And like, you need to go to college and get a degree. And then that's the only way you're going to be able to get a good job. And like, once I graduated college,

the only job I could get was like a barista at a coffee shop. I'm like, why the fuck did I go to college for this? And like my manager was like this idiot who was like 19 years old and like never went to fucking college. He just got this job right out of high school. And it's like, fucking fuck, you know? It's like I didn't need to do that. And now I have it. By the way, I do know people that the thing is, I'm sorry, continue.

I'm just saying now I have a job that like it probably helped that I have. had a degree, but it wasn't essential? Yeah, and I do think this is my thing. I think I was given lots of, like, amphetamines, and then they were like, we'll just get them to college. And you're like, great. But then you stop taking the amphetamines, basically.

And then you're like, oh, I, you know what I mean? Like, for other people that, like, were met, I don't think I was meant to go to college because I could only do it with lots of Adderall. So I don't think that, like, for those people that are going to continue outside of that, that makes perfect sense. But I'm like, I wasn't able to sit straight when I was a kid.

I can't really do a job now besides comedy. So I'm like, it's not like this thing where it's like, oh, we'll get them to, I think they're, it's like, let's give them to the next point. But then you're like, after that, my brain never learned how to do shit without Adderall. So I can't. I mean, my room is wrecked if I don't have Adderall. It looks like it fucking shits all over the place. It's disgusting.

But, you know, I'm going to figure it out. I just like, I, the problem is I have three jobs right now. I need like one job because also when you have three jobs, you're just stress is like, you're just constantly thinking about three jobs. You're juggling because, like, you have, it's like, you have three deadlines. Yeah,

exactly. You have three different obligations. Yeah. And at least like, you know, my job is, it's, it pays the bills,

you know, it lets me work remote, which I'm incredibly grateful for. Yeah, it's the shit. Yeah, it's the best. Like,

I don't want to go back into the office. No. No, I like taking naps. Yeah. It just crank in and just like, I don't know how we're not supposed to be jerking off all the time. If it feels so good.

Well, that's another thing that gets addictive. Yeah, I'm definitely to jack it off. Addict to the nut. The nut, dude. It's like, how are you going to have, like, the best feeling ever? And I'm not going to be tempted to just, like, blow off everything. Yeah. How did any, how did civilization even develop once we figured out how to jerk off?

I don't think the first caveman probably jerked off. No, they were too busy trying to fucking hunt woolly mammoths. Like, I didn't know how to do it at first. I had to, like, you know, hear people be like, you're supposed to grip it like this. Like, I'd be taught. I think it was, we had to have reached a certain point in our stuff. society where we had like downtime. Yeah. And I think that would have had to have been around like the fucking 1930s.

I mean, jerking off probably is how we became civilized and like a little less like I think we were in stadiums like gladiators, watch people kill each other. And then we're like, we could come a little bit more. And then we're like, okay, I could sit in an office and maybe like not want to murder everybody around me. Yeah. Like there's probably direct when jerking off became popular with when society improved. What is it? I think P.T. Barnum or something said like, just give them bread in a circus and they won't rebel. Yeah. Yeah.

He's a circus gay. Something like that. There was some, somebody said something along those lines. I believe it. But it's like, just give people like the bare minimum and they won't rebel. And that's why like,

you know, look at all these fucking billionaire, only arcs now. You know, they give us like, oh, you got here's, here's some fucking like,

you know, the shittiest fucking legal marijuana you can smoke. Yeah. Uh, fucking more streaming services than ever. You know, just stuff to distract. you.

Yeah. It's impossible to fucking move up in the world, you know? Yeah. Like the only way like we're going to be

homeowners is if our parents die and will us their house. Yeah, but I'm fine. Ranting. I don't want to own a home. I want to own a home. Really seems like responsibility.

I mean, it's, uh, if you gave me a million dollars right now, I'd live in this apartment for a year. I could blow through a million dollars so fucking fast. I put that in a high yield savings account

and I'd never work again. Well, it's because you're an actual adult. What? I mean, like, if you put like a million bucks in a high-yield savings account, you can basically like spend like a thousand bucks a month and like the interest you get and would come back. You just like work like an easy fucking easy job.

Yeah, well, you're talking to a guy who keeps rejecting calls from Chase Bank for like a month. Oh, you pay, well, you should pay off your debt if you can. Nah. Why? It's not real. I mean, I guess that's a good way to go about. I mean, as an artist. I'm not moving out of this apartment.

So I don't need to like have good. credit right now. Yeah. It's a down the line. Next time I do Madison's regard in 25 years. Sooner than that, let's manifest this.

Yeah. No, I know everything's going to work out. I think it's just a, yeah, just a little bit of stress right now. But like, as I said, I get excited about little things. Like, I didn't realize I had

$65 in my plasma card. And I was like, I think it's because I wrecked Ryan O'T and then I got a $50 bonus. Oh, shit. Okay. Yeah, so good things happen. So he's donating plaza, ma?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good way to make money. I saw this. this fun thing. Did you see that James Garfield wanted Spider-Man to be gay with Michael B. Jordan? Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sony explicitly makes it illegal for Spider-Man to be gay. Really? Yeah. That's like one of the statute, the fucking rules that Sony and Marvel have to have. Like, Spider-Man explicitly always has to be Peter Parker. He has to

fuck women. He can't be gay. Yeah. He can't, like, do drugs, shit like that. Are there any comic books or Spider-Man does drugs? All I know is, like, there was, like, one comic book issue where Spider-Man was out a party and he drank Spiked Punch. Yeah, you got to have him, you know. And then, like, he was, like, had to fight Hobgoblin.

And he was like, ah, come here, Hobgob, I'm going to fuck you up. And Hobgogne's like, dude, are you fucking drunk? And he's like, oh, fucking. show you who's drunk and like Hobgobble and like fucks him up he's like, yo dude, you're fucked up. Yeah, I remember that one as a kid because like to draw Spider-Man drunk

they drew like little bubbles around his head. Oh really? To constitute being inebriated. Yeah, because he's a high school. I always thought it'd be funny. Well, he was an adult in this one now. Yeah. I always like the idea of, you know,

how the scarecrow gas makes you scared. I always thought it'd be great. If Batman's had a great trip on it. Yeah. He's just like, I'm going to give you my scary gas. He's just like, oh, fuck, this is fucking sick. Oh, this is fucking awesome. Give me, give me some more of that. Yeah. No, you're not supposed to want it. Oh, I'm freaking out. This is so cool. Whoa. Radical.

People show on Christian Bill's Batman voice, but it's so funny. And that's like a good way for you to do a Batman impression. And like people are immediately know you're doing Batman. Like if you talk like this, You know you're doing a Batman voice. Just like if you talk like this, you know you're doing an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. Yeah. Oh, hey, Arnold Schwarzenegger, it's me, Batman. Yeah, I know who you are, Bob, man. I can tell what the cow.

Pretty fucking cool. Damn, dude, we're doing a little comedy bang, bang right now. A little improv, a little character acting. I had an idea about this. They've done every kind of Batman. They've ever done a giant Batman. Why can't you have like an Arnold Schwarzenegger-sized guy dressed as Batman? when that make more sense to just have a giant Batman?

Well, they say, like, the guy who's playing Jack Roacher might be the next Batman. I think even bigger, dude. I think, like... He's totally on steroids. Yeah, and just like, dude, just the rock in a Batman costume would be so... I think Reacher's bigger than The Rock right now. There's no way. Yeah.

You see him fight that guy? That was pretty funny. There was a guy like motorcycling. Oh, yeah, he was like getting... Some guy was like being like an asshole and Reacher was like, dude, this is like a nice neighborhood. What are you doing? Yeah. Reacher's fucking cool, man.

yeah what's his name again I don't know Jack Reacher yeah he seems uh nobody knows his real name he's also in like um Blue Mountain State yeah blue mountain state yeah he was fun in that

but he's just like a big dude on steroids yeah it's fucking cool I once a week we'll see some guy like roided out and I'm like I'm gonna do that and then I go what the fuck now why would I ever want to do this it would be fun to I'm like

I don't know like could you just do like maybe like just one year I'll just get jacked as fuck and then just never go to the gym again it'd be kind of fun for like a year to just be that jacked. Just be jacked for a year.

Yeah. And then have it slowly, like, erode away. Yeah, that you'd go a fat guy. I don't know. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah. That guy, being a fat guy is worse at, dude. Yeah.

Nothing's cool than being a fat. Especially in the age of OZempic and CrossFit and people like try and like work out. It's like, it's cooler. It's cooler now than ever to be a fat guy. Yeah. And that's why I do like, I lost weight for money. But I mean, I do like get mad when people do that. Like, I don't like non-fat jelly roll.

non-fat jelly roll is like the new Tom Segura where like these guys just lose weight and they fucking get rid of the the beautiful blonde women that have supported them physically. She cheated on him though, big tits.

Bonnie, Bunny X. Bunny XO or whatever. That's funny. She like banged his runner. Then he went on Kimball, I think recently. He was like,

Trump, you should lose some weight. You can see your own penis. I just saw a mile or something like that. And the Kimmadi's like, oh yeah. I, everything I know about

jelly roll has been against my will. I have no idea who the fuck this idiot is. I, I outside, it's like, I don't know. It's like, having a face tattoo is such like a definite fucking, like, statement about your career, you know? Well, I just, I miss

when, excuse, I don't know the other word. He was making like wiggery rap and I love that. Like, I don't know what it is, but when I see like a tatted up white boy talking, it's sometimes it's fun. So you use the term wigger. I don't know any other word.

Wigaboo. Oh, yeah, that's better. Yeah. Yeah, why you're wearing your pants all slouching like a little wigaboo over there? So much worse. Why? It sounds fun. Does sound fun.

That is honestly my favorite slur. Jigaboo? Yeah, Jigaboo. It's like so dehumanizing. You can't help but laugh. Because the boo at the end of it makes it sound silly. Silly? Silly, it just makes it sound like a fucking Disney character.

Yeah. Careful, the jigaboos are out there. You're entering jigaboo country. The jigaboo jamboree. Sounds kind of fun. That's what we call rap. Turn off the jibu jamboree. It does sound like a sous character.

Oh, 100%. Were they actually less? Because it's almost like, I don't know. I just don't think they could make a word worse than the hard R because the other ones, although they're said by more racist people maybe, I don't know if a guy's more racist he says a hard R versus jigaboo. It's like that was like inventing the N word was like when white people peaked and they try to fucking like replicate it with like other slurs but like nothing hits as hard as the N word.

I do also believe that like the suppression of it makes it hit harder. So I don't think that that's necessary. Like I don't know the answer to any of this. But I do kind of agree with the Lenny Bruce point of like if it just said a bunch, it kind of does. But I also wouldn't know because I'm not black. But as far as like, there was a time period where if I saw like a video of a white guy saying the N-word, I did get a little bit like, like, without the soft day, it would be fun or if it wasn't a joke. If I see a guy genuinely say the N-word, I was kind of like, ooh. And then I'd hear it, it's more common now because, you know, I think people are just kind of like.

Aren't getting afraid. They're getting brave. Yeah. I mean, I would say like the current state of the American government has emboldened people, you know? Yeah. Did you see the Spider-Man guy beat up that guy? Yeah, I shared the image on my, of, uh, it was, uh, basically like a guy was like burning the Quran. And then like a guy in a Spider-Man costume like fucked him up.

It was the guy Middle Eastern that fucked him up. Probably. Yeah. But it's like he's just like the guy, uh, that burned the Quran. He was like one of the January 6 fucking rioters. Yeah, I just, I don't know. I do think caring too much is, uh, not good that you're just about to care about everything. and then like that also leads the other people to care a bunch.

You shouldn't be perpetually online. Yeah, no. You got to live in the real world. You got to, you got to participate in your community. Yeah. You know, you got to be present.

Be here. Make some fun music. Get your girlfriend addicted to ketamine. Get her addicted to catamine. Make her kill herself. Yeah. Say if you really love me, you'll kill yourself while you're in this Khole.

Remind her that when she's in the Khole, she'll never get out. And the only way out is suicide. Yeah, that's actually what happened. Yeah, he's like, take the gun. She's like crying. And he's like, put it to your temple. And she's like, well, I see my dad again.

And he's like, you're about to find out, pull the trigger, be free. It'll be really funny. I'm just defending him in this way. That's actually what happened. That's probably what happened, dude. That's absolutely what happened. You know what? You heard it here first.

Breaking News on Michael Good News. Yeah, that should be a portion. We should do the news. The news by me. The news. Michael Good News. Yeah. Damn, that's actually a great little segment.

We could do like a little, like you can make a little theme song like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. This just in. Yeah, this just in. I'm hearing reports that I'm gay. Oh, wait, here's, here's my roommate. Oh, I got to talk about the prank we pulled on them.

Uh-oh. We're about to talk about it. Yeah. Yeah. You want me to be part of it? Oh, yeah, yeah. You can hop on. Do you have a mic?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't have a mic, but we could go back and forth with it. Yeah. We only have like five minutes left, but basically... That's all we need. Good to see you, man. Oh, yeah.

You can't... I mean, I do have another mic and cord. You can't plug it halfway through, right? Huh? You can just plug it. Yeah, you can. Hey, I received the prank. I've been a morning good before.

I'm Josh Dietrich. Let's hear your take on it. And I can weigh in on what I was experiencing. So he was out of town and somebody was sub-leasing from him. Did he met like a couple times? Once. I had met him once. So I got like one beer with him.

So I kind of knew judged his character, but like I didn't know him at all. So that's why this was so fucking plausible. Yeah. So every day we started texting the guy's a little weirder. We're trying to space it all out. The escalation is basically that he's trying to create a satanic ritual to become Josh. and so we're hyping it up slowly and slowly. Eventually we put a red pentagram on the floor in his room.

And I'm kind of playing it well because I'm like, dude, I'm telling you, our other roommate is messing with you. This has to be. He's messing with you with this. And then we get a Ouija board. And I said the night before, I was like, yeah, he's so serious. He bought this Ouija board. We're joking around. He's like, you got to take it seriously.

And then I got to the point where I took a video of me outside and the other roommate was turning lights on. and off. And I thought he would think maybe this is like a ghost thing, but he just thought he was running around like parasite doing that. So from my perspective, he kind of undersold what happened. So like, I had met this guy and then he moved in and then

like immediately, both Michael and our other roommate, Jay, text me and are like, yo, like this guy kind of sucks. Like he's weird. He's just like, I don't know. Yeah, they're like, he's just like, hey, like dude, like you kind of screwed us. Like it's okay. It's only three weeks, but like this dude sucks.

like why is he living here? Like I thought you've vetted him. Like normal text to get like, right, right. So I was just immediately like, okay, this guy's kind of weird. And then throughout the time, they would just like,

so what they did that was so good is they would just text me little stuff. Like they would be like, yeah, like dude, he liked you. They were like, oh, like he keeps talking about ghosts. Like he's really into ghosts. And like, but not in like a bit way. Like I tried to joke with him

and he got like upset at me. and then I'd be like, yo, that's so weird, like, what else is he done? And then they would just go radio silent for like three days. I would call them, they would decline my call,

just be like, not a good time, can't talk. So it was, my goal undersold how slow they played this. They would, like, drop a seed and then just let my mind spin. They wouldn't weigh in more. And then, like, they started,

they were like, yeah, like, dude, is Aiden, like, okay, like, he just shaved his head out of nowhere, which, like, they were, like, they were trying to be, like, oh, he's becoming you,

but for me, I was just like, that's really fucking, like, why would he just shave his head? And then they would text me and Mike was like, hey, Aiden was like wearing your clothes yesterday. Did you tell him you could? And I'm like, no, like, maybe he just needed clothes, but I don't know why he didn't ask me. And then Michael was like, yeah, weird. And then I'd be like, yo, it's like, what else is he done? And then they would say nothing.

So over this time, they would just slowly drop these fucking breadcrumbs to where I was just like, okay, this guy sucks. What did I do? And then yet the culmination was they go, yo, jaw. like, get this guy out of here. Like, we just walked by your door, look at this, and showed me a red pentagram with candles in my room. And I was like, what the fuck?

And I text this guy. And I'm like, hey, are you good? Doesn't respond. The other guy, by the way, the sub letter is just on purpose ignoring my text. All he's texting me is like, every week, he would go, hey, when are you getting back, by the way? And I'd be like, the 24th. How is it? How are you liking it?

Nothing. Hey, man, you find a new apartment? nothing. And then a few days later, hey, dude, when are you, you're back Monday, right? Yeah, man, I'm bad Monday. How's everything going? Nothing. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? So then they send me

the pentagram and then he's like, I'm alone in the apartment. I just found this. An hour later, Michael texts me the pentagram again, except my driver's license is in the middle of the pentagram. They put my driver's license and two of my hats on the pentagram.

And I'm like, and I'm like, What the fuck? What the fuck? And then I go, Michael, is he home? And Michael goes, no, he's not home. And I'm like, so in my mind, I'm like, Jade texted me a photo of this pentagram. And then an hour later, Michael touched me the pentagram with my stuff in it.

And neither of them saw this guy. But he must have put the stuff in it. So I'm literally like, I literally thought it was parasite. I was like, this guy is hiding from my roommates and casting incantations and like fucking being weird. So Michael texted me the lights outside. And I literally thought this guy was just like running around, like fucking flickering lights and shit.

And I was freaking out. And then, bro, it came to a T when like, I touched this guy. And I'm like, yo, are you good? And this was after the pentagram and everything. And he goes, yo, are you good? And he goes, so for context, I'm in the middle of nowhere in a home stay. Like, in an apartment.

And it's 3 a.m. I'm in like the wilderness because I went on like a nature trip. So I'm in the middle of fucking north, not even in a city. and then I text the guy again and I go And I'm texting them the whole time I'm like get this guy like I'm gonna call the fucking cops

Get this guy the fuck out of here He's not responding to my text He's doing all this weird shit I literally was like that oh And then my Michael texted me like a few days before And was like yo does this guy have like A personality disorder

Because he'll be really cool Then he'll be really weird So I'm literally like this guy's having a side I said uh I thought he's doing dual language I guess he was yeah he's I thought he was learning Latin, but he was actually doing, like, chance. So then after all that built up, and I let...

Your friend was in on it. Yes. The friend that introduced him. Yes. Was in on it, too. And so that all happens. And then the fucking dagger through it that, like, revealed it was, um, all that shit happened with the pentagram, with him hiding and not, with the lights, all that.

And then I touch the guy, and I'm like, yo, are you good? Because, again, I didn't know that it was a joke. Yeah. had played it so well that I literally just thought this guy was like in a in a manic episode. I was like about to do some crazy shit. And he goes, I go, yo, are you good? And he goes, I'm doing much better now. And I was like, what the fuck? And I was like, what happened? And he goes, oh, I was like, oh, so you didn't feel anything? And I was like, what? And he's like, I thought you would feel it by now. And I call Mike and I'm like, I'm calling the fucking cops. Fuck this guy. He's trying to curse me.

He's going to kill you. Fuck that. and the microphone goes, yeah, maybe before that you should know. And then they both are on speaker and they all go, we got your ass. Fuck you. And I just, I hung the phone up and I just sat there in my room, like, had my hands for like 10 minutes. Then I eventually called it back and was like, you guys did so good. But bro, they fucked. It was, yeah.

God damn. Now you guys are bad for. They, I cannot. That is so funny. Michael, you were so, like, chaotic. But like, in the things I take seriously. When it comes to like fucking with people, like you were so You're good at like multitasking, organizing, yeah

What's the day we're saying like, should we say it's actually like give it? Give it another date. And that was the worst part is that like I kind of explained, I was solo traveling. So it was just me. And they would send these texts and then just ignore me for like two days. No matter what I'd say, if I'd call, if I'd ask, nothing. So it was just like they dropped the breadcrum.

Then instead of overselling it, they would just let my brain just like spin, which is the way to fuck with someone is let that. So I would just be there and I'd be like, damn, like, at first I was just like, oh, I let's screwed over my roommate. So I just stuck him with the bad guy. I was like, oh, like, I like, oh, I felt bad. And then as the shit got weirder, I was like, I don't know this guy that well.

And like, he's an interesting guy. Like, he, like, he, on an impulse, I'd move to Thailand for a year. Oh, shit. So I was like, this motherfucker is kind of unstable. Like, maybe he would do something. And then the way they grew it. So that was the worst part is that the science. in between the text for like days.

I'd call him to climb my call. I'd ask more questions. They'd be like, I don't want to talk about it. And we're having, we're getting along with the guy great, which is so funny. Oh, that's awesome.

We're just having a great time of the apartment. And then like, we FaceTime you and we're like drinking beers having fun. And, uh, yeah, after the back, we were,

we were like, we were like, we should wait until he gets home. And I'm like, no, I don't have ruined his trip. I was like, let's ruin my phone.

I would have called the movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Had it gone any longer. I literally would have pulled the precinct right there and been like, there's a crazy guy in my apartment.

And then we would reverse prank on Jake and be like, dude, there was coke in the apartment. We were pulling this prank. And then we double prank Jake and make him think the police came from the prank and now Jake's gonna go to jail. Yeah.

That's tight. That's fucking. That was the most enjoyable thing. What inspired you? Was it like, as soon as... Well, when he came... That's a good question. What the fuck did inspire that?

Well, because what happened was like, I met the guy and I couldn't get a read on him. I really liked him. I couldn't get a read on him at first and I was like, what if we just, and me and Jake would jokingly joke around and be like, he'd be like, hey, you guys want some beers? And we're like, no, we're good. And the guy would walk in their room,

would be like, like, just me and Jake would jokingly, me and him would pretend like we don't like the guy, but we actually really did like the guy. And so we're like, what if Josh did stick us with somebody that sucked? And then we were like, oh, yeah, because like, because you did choose somewhat of a random guy and then just leave down

and we're like, what if, like, I kind of was like, what if we did this? Like, what is worst case scenario? What were you guys?

What were you guys? What were his? What was he saying? Jake said they were going to, like, AI images of, like, guns and bombs in my room and say he was a domestic terrorist. Yeah,

good. Does that? I would have reported. I would have been like, did this guy the fuck out? But what else? You said? said they were like, do you were to, like, send a video to me of, like, this guy, like,

running around the apartment with a knife and, like, I don't know, again, you played it great, but there were other ideas, right? Yeah, I think the extreme escalation would be him with, like, a cloak walking around, but I was never going to like, like, because I was always like, we did not think we were going to get as far as the pentegrine. Like, we're like, we're like, this old, the joke will be over then. But the picture, when they sent me a picture of it, I go, that looks terrified. Like, I knew it was a prank, but it looks so real.

It looks real. and it was so unsettling seeing that in my bedroom because I was like I've lived here for like a year and a half and seen a fucking pentagram in my room I was like it like it kind of like it shocked me I was like whoa and the way they had just escalated and I was like yeah this guy like I don't mean I don't believe in ghosts or anything like that

but seeing that it was just like this guy is fucking crazy he's in my room and again the way he'd been texting me is numerous times I'd been like hey man you found another place hey man you know what you're doing after this and he didn't respond so I literally was like in my mind too I was like this guy's just not gonna leave I'm gonna come home and this guy is having a mental breakdown

and he's just not gonna fucking leave my apartment so that was like oh like I know it sounds like I'm not gonna lie like kind of stupid to be like oh you thought your apartment was haunted but it was really just I was terrified that this insane man was like gonna hurt them or not leave or do some fuck shit bro it was so good

that's fucking hilarious it's just like it's extreme, but it is a level of just classic fun and prank. That is some old school prank. Because like, honestly, I would not expect that at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that is so, and it's, that is terrifying. And it's just, it's just extra hilarious that you pulled that off, Michael. It was one of the proudest, it was the proudest thing.

It's like, you really like, you really like, reeled in your ADD long enough to. Yeah, yeah, because I can. to cause emotional distrust to a friend. Yeah. The one guy who was just on an experience. It's like, well, I hope you learned a valuable lesson about leaving Michael alone. That's like the whole thing. That's like, the whole thing. I'm like, what have we learned Josh?

You're like, you fucking maniac. I learned you're insane. But I know it's coming back my way and I hope you come up with something brilliant. I know you will. All right, dude. Here's what we're going to do. we're going to get some, we're going to get some sperm and be like, we have irreversible evidence that Michael Good raped a 12 year old.

He's in big. And like, we're actually going to go to the cops. And then like when the cops show up, we're like, officer, it's just a prank. Don't worry. During the trial, we'll be like, objection. Objection. It's just a good. We're just goofing around.

We're just goofing. And like, the judge like bangs his gavel and is like, I find you hilarious. This has been a blast. We got to wrap up. What do you want to promote? Just please listen and subscribe to my podcast, Super Selly Joe's. I do it with my buddy, Alex Tomaselli. Follow me on social media.

I'm at Joe W. Gorman on all platforms. Do you want to promote anything? I'm good. I was so short on here. Oh, okay. Yeah. We also said a lot of crazy shit. So, my God.

If you need to sublet an apartment, DM Michael. As always, Michael would comedy. Also, I got some dates to promote just one. But October 3rd, I'll be headlining the idiot box in Greensboro, North Carolina. Nice. Yeah, buy tickets. It's probably none of you live there. I'll be there.

Yeah. Yeah, he'll be there. He's always important. But, yeah, I also, like, I think I booked some other. I'm on the fence about some headline of things, but I'm going to be on. the road a lot of this year so i'm really excited to do that so yeah yeah yeah thank you