The Penthouse - Episode 7
00:00Yeah, it's going to be called Morning Good.Shut the fuck up.That's a great idea.Thanks for the F-Shack.I love dirty Mike and the boys.Hey, are you dirty Mike in the boys?Really?How you know?
00:17That sounds fucking awful.Yeah, I'm really excited about it.I think I'm going to call it Morning Good.Fuck that.That's terrible.Welcome to Morning Good.All right, this is Morning Good.I'm here with Nathan Ordine, comedian and Derek Gonzalez, comedian.
00:33It's actually comedian Derek Gonzalez.Dude, those are my favorite.Like in Florida, there's a lot of black comedians,and you can just tell by their name,it's like Derek too fast, Gonzalez,or like Bobby Punchline, Washington or something like that.I think a lot of comics up north,they just go with something, something, the comedian.
00:53Yeah, yeah, that shit is hilarious to me.Yeah.Oh, I didn't know.I saw some guy who was 18 inches, the comedian,and I'm friends with them on Facebook.I'm like, there's no way this guy is funny.I might change my name to, like, the poet, Nathan Orr.just to mock everyone who does that.
01:07Yeah.Are you going to start wearing one of those bean,like those French bean berets?I probably should.Yeah.My fucking hair looks so stupid.I think it looks fun.I think so when white people hair looks stupid.
01:18Thanks, man.Yeah.You guys look fantastic to me.Don't worry.We all have lice.Yeah.No matter how it looks like.Dude, you're talking about poetry.
01:26Have you been to poetry, Mike?Like, can you try to do comedy in them?Oh, yeah.There was that in St. Louis a lot.Around here, there's so much.comedy mics. I don't know. Yeah, you don't need to do the poetry ones.Well, now everything's dead, so.But when you find those poetry mics and you do stand-up,
01:40everybody's looking at you like, oh, he's different.Dude, they snap so hard.They fucking love it. I love that shit.It can be good. There's one I had to do that was really hard.I used to do this one back in Florida, and it was like a, it was all black room.And it was always about, like, oppression and slavery.And then I'd hop on stage and, like, try to be silly.And it was like a hard, but it was good. It was like a good place to work out.
01:58That is.Yeah.But this one place I went to, it was so funny because it's like a serious poetry.This place is not like, like that place, at least they'd like give me the time of day to be like, all right, what are you going to bring?It was fun.But this place, it was like, the one do you know, the host is just always like saying shit just like, I want everybody to get in touch with their inner child.Everybody pretend your children in my poetry.But this one girl had like a slam poetry about like wayfair trapping kids.
02:20And it was so funny.She's like, kids in boxes getting fucked.But it was like very like.Serious.Yeah.Like she was like almost in tears just being like, but their asses are getting crammed by.And you're like, this is a...You should have just first line,
02:36that poem really turned me on.I didn't know this is so hot.I shouldn't have wear sweats here.Yeah.Those are fucking hard because, like,I've had it one time a girl was crying beforeabout her grandma dying and I was like,I didn't fucking kill her.
02:49So please, like, I don't know.You should just go up there and roast her grandma.Yeah, that bitch is dumb and shit.Yeah.It is funny with COVID,how some people just like have been pretendingthey love their grandparents.in the last like eight months of it
03:04like dude I've never heard somebody come back to like dudejust visiting my grandparents was fucking sicktook her four minutes to get from one side of the roomthe other it's always like a horribleI just and I have legswell I think most grand people they justthey're just slow as shit I don't know yeahmy grandma's fucking athletic as shit she still
03:20she rides a bike she is how old is sheprobably close to 80 60yeah grandma's 45she's close to 70 rides a bike like athat's awesome like a fucking champMy grandma's in her 90s, man.Lucky me?I don't know.
03:37It's like she made it that old.Yeah.Yeah.Well, your grandma's going to make it to 100 fucking 90 if she's riding a bike.Alzheimer's kicking in, bro.Oh, shit.She kicks in hard, bro.My grandma had Alzheimer's.
03:47Yeah.We played too many pranks on her looking back at it.Me and my cousin would pretend to get in fake fights.I remember one time he, like, had a bird and was, like, talking to her, like, as the bird.Like, it was a fake bird.Apparently she was, like, having a full conversation out the window with this.Maybe it wasn't just Alzheimer's.I don't know.
04:02The dope thing is that she's always asked for me.She's still always asked for me.And I'm like, oh, yeah.The bike's not the only thing she wants to ride.Oh.Her grandson's cock.Is what I was getting at.Yo, you're right.
04:18Are we discovering new things?Wait, she's, oh, man, she's like, who's that?It's like, I'm your fucking son's son.Yeah.You know what I will say?There is a serious lack of themed grandma.grandson porn.There's a lot of stepmom stuff, but like...
04:34Because that's just...I don't know why that's...I've been looking for it.I'm curious.It's surreal.Too many people have actually banged their grandma?I don't think so.I think it's just the same video,
04:45just re-uploaded multiple times.Yeah.Oh yeah, then it becomes...You believe he did this to his grandma?Yeah.Because there's always like grandma-themed ones,but it's like they're speaking in like Yugoslavia and like...It's amazing that the amount of incest porn,
04:55not once are they speaking in Southern accents.It's either like people that don't speak Englishor just like...mainstream.Yeah, well, that's, it's a harmful stereotype.Down south, they're just farming for us.They don't fuck their sisters.I do know two people who fuck people they're related to in Florida.
05:14Well, that's not by choice.Florida, that's not like farmland.That's like...Some of it is.Some of it's like really swamp.I'm an idiot.Yeah, like the more north Florida you get, the more like south you get.What?
05:28Yeah, because South Florida is more like tropical.It's like upside.That's weird.It's a weird fucking place.It's like a mirror to the rest of the...Yeah, yeah.It's bizarre, but I love it.Like, I was back there a couple weeks ago,
05:39and it was just the most fun I've had.It's so funny because, like,New Yorkers are tough,but there's also like a pussiness to this city.Like, the snowstorm was happening,and everybody's like,there's a snowstorm,and I was like, what is that?
05:50No, those are other people.I don't believe it.Either they're, like, not from...Yeah, because I was like,I was so excited.People were like,dude, you've never experienced a snowstorm.And, like, I played in it.
05:58Like, all day yesterday and today.It was fun.My dad texted me,hey, look out for the snow hurricanethat's coming.It's like, okay, I'll wearboots.Maybe that's what it is.
06:10Six years, I'm like,oh, this one's fucking us up.Yeah, yeah.One time there's a snowstorm where, like,it wasn't when de Blasio was in office.It was a fucking Bloomberg.He didn't set out the trucks fast enoughand we just got hit with snow, like crazy.
06:24So then people just started suing the citybecause this one lady was like,yo, my grandmother couldn't get out the house.The ambulance was going to reach her.I'm suing the city.And ever since then,de Blasio's been trying to be like,yo, this is the storm.
06:34This is the storm.But he never got it.He never got his storm.I don't think he's ever going to get it.Yeah.That kind of makes sense.We should just sue him because he was wrong.Yeah,
06:42that's what I was.This storm wasn't big enough.Dude,I canceled all my plans.I was supposed to go to New Jersey.And it's not a big deal.I was just going for like a mic out therebecause that's how to pray if we are.
06:51I was saying we got to start doingoutdoor open mics in front of Cuomo's house.And then he will open up indoor diningin like a fucking week.He's going to be like, this is brutal.I don't want any part of this.He is working the indoor dining places?All right, all right, open up.
07:03Who is it that?Put him in basements.Definitely open up the basements.Put him back there.Someone said Cuomo tried stand up and sucked,so he like hates us and that's why he's...I don't think there's no...Urban legend.
07:14I would believe that story for some reason.You would?Hell yeah.Italian dudes always think they're fucking hilarious.Yeah.Like, yeah, fucking...I'll tell you this fucking story.They're always going to become...
07:23Andrew Desclan, I'm sorry.Yeah.He's actually Jewish.He just, like...He's a character.Yeah, yeah.But then Italians love that character.They're like, that's like my fucking uncle.
07:32That would be funny.There's a different way.I've always thought about that.Like if I just pretended I was Latino and did like a Latin comedy.Like, but like...You could be Canelo, the Canelo.Yeah.I want to be like the bad version.
07:41Like, whatever the Larry, the cable guy is, but for Latino comedy.Like, I'm just on stage like, oops, at all.Just like with all these weird catchphrases.And like, what if they embrace me that so many Italian people embrace Andrew Dice Clay?And some of my friends are like, dude, you're not Hispanic kid.And I'm like, if you fucking ruin this for me, like, this is my end.Yeah.that is interesting.
07:59I've thought about that before how Larry the cableguy's not really like that.So he's just making fun of his fans.Yeah, yeah, exactly.It's kind of brilliant.I'm trying to do the first Korean comic.Yeah.Just put on white face.
08:13A little bit more.It's called yellow face technically.I know.I'm turning into a pussy.I'm like,these podcasts, man,this is just going to ruin my career somedaywhen I have a career.
08:23That's not today.It's true.I don't have a career.Put on yellow face and squint.Like, oh, oh, no.Have you heard of my dad?He's an impression of my dad.That was the weirdest Asian.
08:40I don't know.Well, fuck it.Who's that, who's it that bitch who plays, I mean, lady who plays, I hate women.Who's that person who plays, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,UmOh, Angela Johnson's actuallyThe familyLois from family man
08:59Oh, Bornstein yeahAlex BornsteinYeah and she does that characterThat's what I wasThat's what I wasOh Trisha TakenawaYeahYeah she does that one
09:07So that's the voice I was doingSo really it should justuplift my careerBecause she's doing greatYeahWe can't show a differenceOf standardsBecause I'm different from her
09:17RightExactlyShe's Jewish thoughSo she got thatHolocaust cardI was given a black man advice, so I think everything should be okay.Yeah, I'm gonna take it.Found it.
09:27Boom.Hell yeah, we got diversity on this.You're my third black person.One of them was technically born white.Oh, yeah.She's also a woman.I'm like, let me try to get diversity, but just not.Just this little effort is.
09:41I just want to pretend.Pretend to have diversity.But it's so funny because I have no fucking format to this podcast.I was looking at homeless people today.Just like, maybe I could talk about them some way,but they didn't give me anything.They're pretty cool.Yeah.
09:55Yeah.Yeah.I saw a homeless guy shit on the wall on 14th Street.That is pretty gnarly.And it was not even like in the train station.It was like where you're about to swipe to get in.So you just fucking shits and it's on the wall.And then everybody's just like, what the fuck?
10:08It would have been cool if he did that like, can you swipe me in?You know how you like he swat me in just like as you shitting?I bet you people would be like.Hell no.No.You can stay the fuck away from him.Really?Hell yeah.
10:17You don't.These homeless people eat some crazy shit, bro.Like.I've been intimidated into giving money.money so many times.Just if somebody's given me like a creepy look and they're like really getting in my face,I'm like, just take it.Really?
10:29Yeah.It happens to the best of those sometimes because it's just like, I don't feel like fighting you.Yeah.Yeah.I have to tell you to see a wall.My favorite though, I don't know if I've talked about this yet, but it was the homelessguy I saw it.He wasn't shitting on a wall.
10:39I thought he was because I think, I don't know if we talked about this lastmaybe.It's weird it came up again.But the dude had his dick tucked between his legs and was pissing out the back.Ooh.Yeah.Yeah.Yeah.
10:49Well, I guess it came up again.But it was weird because like at first.I was like, is that...In the state of New Yorkwhere we have to constantly be like,yo, this guy was shitty,this guy was pissing.Yeah, but it was like,
10:58it was so weird because I thought for a second,he just had horrible diarrheabecause it looked like liquid coming out of the back.But then I realized he tucked,like it looked like he was like trying not to show off his penis,but it was more disturbing that he was tuckingand peeing out the backside against the wall.Yeah.
11:10But maybe he just identifies as a woman.He just can't afford this urge.He's like,this is how close I'm going to be.And he just tucks it in and starts...Does he shit out of the front, too?What do you shit?Yeah, yeah, he does.
11:20how anatomy works.But yeah, it was a weird, I don't know.I don't think he was tranched her.I think he would have put moreinto that piss?Yeah.Like a real female.You ever see her, like a fucking female piss house?
11:32Yeah, he was standing basically.He would like squat it a little bit.Nah, well, fucking women piss in public.That shit is hilarious.Yeah, I just used to work at an EDM party.So I saw this one girl, she's just like,I'm doing it now, Becca.And then she just pull her pants and,
11:45just a shit ton of water, bro.Yeah, I saw the tampon string.So I'm trauma.Yeah, that's a lot.I think it would be cool if you had superpowers and you could change your loads into diarrhea.So for someone who didn't like you, sucked your dick.You just shit in their mouth.You just spray diarrhea into their mouth from your dick.
12:08I feel like, but if somebody's already blowing you, you have so many other tricks you can plan on it.Like you can shave the back of their head or something fun like that.That would be the funniest thing, just like the most conniving thing.and then you just shave their headand you're like they're likewhy did you do this?You're like, oh, you don't remember meyou don't remember our past together.
12:28That's like the movie, old boy.Does somebody shit diarrheadown somebody's mouth out of their dick?That's a fucking long vengeance storyand at the end of likeyou guys like, oh, you don't remember meyou don't rememberand then it goes all the way back
12:39he's like oh.Ah, yeah.But like that's the perfect vengeance storyjust ended up shiting on hell yeah.It's fucking good.They have American versionand the Korean version.Ooh, I'll have a lot.
12:47Wait, is that the onewhere there's something with the dude son?Did you play the Korean?Yeah, the guy became KoreanIt was the guy that played ThanosBut he had a Korean accentWait, are youYou thought she was
12:58Are you serious?Josh Brawling?Yeah, Josh Brown was he played itNo, he was in timeI was so confusedI thought he was seriousHe was fucking KoreanYeah
13:06He played a purple dudeWhy notYellow?It's not offensive to say yellowIs it?NoYeah, okayIf you're talking about aliens
13:13No, some of Asian peopleThen no, you can't do itNo, you could do itYeah, becausePikachu's yellowYeah, we're talking about thison another episode, brown is the weirdest termbecause Mexican people say they're brown
13:23and Middle Eastern people say they're brown.Yeah. And also. But any people will say they're brown,but they also say they're Asian, but most Asians say they're yellow.It's...Because it seems like it would be more offensive to calleverybody a blanket term as brown. It's not black or white.We're all pink.On the inside.
13:42Your asshole's pink.Last time I looked.I showed up black men's asshole.What? What does that mean?It's just...I fart. It's just a...like hey.It's been that wisdom.
13:54I told you, brother, man.Oh, man.Black man wisdom is fun.Do you want to all talk like a different racefor the rest of the podcast?Yeah, I'm down.I'm a voice actor now, so I could actually do thatand not get in trouble.
14:09I can't nail any.Honestly, the only thing I can do is like German.You say you're a voice actor.If you say, like, if this video,if you never get video and you could just dowhatever voice you want, you're a voice actor.Or we could just say everybody is a different race than they are,but everybody would know what I am.
14:23Nobody would know what Nathan is.Actually, give them more followers than me.People probably, I feel like half my listeners might know youbecause I feel like half them are Orlando or have them are New York, half them Orlando.No one knows me.Here, here I'll be Derek's grandma.Oh, I'm going to ride this one fucking mind.I can't remember shit.
14:42It's the first time I'm riding you the second.Oos County.My favorite is hearing like a British.person do an American accent.They can do some of...They nail it. Yeah, they can do Valley Girl very well.Yeah.Because that's the stereotypical one. That's the one that's on TV the most.
14:58British actors are fucking, like, serious.Yeah.I fucking hate them.Because they've been doing it since Shakespeare.British people hate it when you try to make their accent.They'd be like, oh, that's how you think we talk?I'm like, yeah, it is.I don't think they'd say you talk.
15:10Every time I talk like a British person, a sandal Australian.Yeah, that's like aggressively.Unless you pick a proper person, like a person you know, like I try to do interest elbow.I know, I'm Ed ChenI'm Ed Sheffin nowThat's really goodYeah, you kind of nailed thatA little bit of squitting
15:28Just so as I'm the world sexiest manYou knowThat's really goodYeahYou kind of look like them tooYou say blime or blow me?BothI can only do like
15:39I'll do like the Cockney pervert oneIt's like I mean you stick your fingers in your bumYou know rightYeah you're like manSpread your pussy loopsLet me get in thereOhThat's pretty
15:49I just do those around the apartment.My girlfriend fucking hates.She's like,I'm like, you got those ice keepersare over there.What are you going to do with them?You're going to stip them in me bum?I only got butt bum.
16:00I don't know.I'm like Alfred raping baby Batman.Must away.Oh, that baby.Oh, no.I go too far to the Australian.For Joker Batman, he's going totake his fingers and stick him in your
16:15asshole.But you have to be the stronger man.I don't know.And I see that you likedoing the thingbecause you make your faceinto like a fucking cognizant.It's like you're really close,
16:27no lips.But anyway,yeah,I fucking can't do them.I'll do it.It's so weird.Like,I feel like accents you can do
16:33a certain,like,phrase,but then the second you tryto talk about something else,like you can't.Sweet.Sweet.
16:39Yeah.Yeah.I think Swedish.I don't know.I think of like Germanwhen I think of Swedish.Like this.Swedish?
16:45Swedish.I feel like I have to bolt my headback and forthwhen I'm talking aboutSwedish person.Do a lot of Swedish personLike I'm a manHe just have a talking
16:54Sweating like that I talkThat's like aggressivelyThis is a Chinese personYeahThe ChineseYeahI can do silly shit with my voiceYeah
17:06But I don'tI can't likeimpersonate or do aYou don't designate your voiceTo a certain thingIt's just yeahI have a weird voiceYou know it's my favorite voice to do now
17:16Which one?My favorite voice to do right nowIs a little NickyI love it.Hey, hey, it's me a little Nicky.Oh, my God, I'm from the shower.The deep shout.I haven't seen that movie in so long.
17:28It's on Netflix.I was talking to somebody about it beforehand.And then I was just like, yo, I can't wait to see that movie.I might watch on my fucking hacked fire stick.And then it just pops up on Netflix.I'm like, fucking God is real.My favorite is, there's this like, my buddy's like a huge little Nikki fan.He's watching clips of it.
17:44And there's, he deep dived into this one like, like this weird conspiracy thing.guy who like thinks everything's satanic basically it's so funny because you just go through theseguys videos and it's like little nicky satanic Kevin hart satanic but it's just so because like littleNicky clearly it's about Satan yeah it's about but he like thinks he thinks like Adam sailor and thecomments are so funny it's like Adam Sandler and his Hollywood Jews are part of the satanic but thedude doing the videos is so funny because he's the most clean cut guy he looks like somebody my dad wouldlike go golfing with yeah he has like like it seems like you can see pictures of his kids in thebackground like a polo yeah it's a funniest thing you dad just golf some like black robes yeah
18:19But it's so funny, because, like, you could just see his wife just being like, are you done with those videos?He's like, yes, one second.But then he's like, okay, so like the deep state and the, like, it's so weird.Because he looks so normal.Like, I got to show you a picture this guy at some point.But it's, the Kevin Hart one was hilarious, though.Just like the reachingness on some of those.Why is a heart Santanic?
18:37What was this?Some of his major key points.Was it that he keeps pointing with guns?And that's, like, he will take that and find it.Like, you know, it's definitely like a schizophrenic.It will take, like, numbers and, like, find a weird way to twist.them they'll be like, if you take this number,subtracted by five and add a mental disorder,
18:53you will get that this is Satanism.And you're like, all right.But it's just so funny that this guy probably just like went golfing with his familylater that day and then went to Disney and just...Fucking swing his child around.Yeah, I'm probably not going to find the video, but...Touching knees, bro.Are we really touching knees?
19:13Sorry, this is stupid.That's okay.Man, it's so funny because I think I've heard a lot of people make the joke about how, like,there's not going to be everybody's like oh yeah there's going to be like way less school shootings the kids arehomeschooled but i think the rebound from that is going to be absurd because all the kids that are likeyou know what i mean like just planning them yeah how much time have they had to write manifestos in the lastlike eight months like they've got drafts they probably have it's like this is my strong one but like thisone who shows my emotion but this one just incorporates it all but like i don't know which one i want to
19:44lead with yeah that yeah that's true i wonder if there's ever been somebody who's like written oneand then they're like this is fucking lame i like just by reallyreading all their words out on paper.They're like, I look like a bitch.I'm not going to shoot up to school now.Someone first read it for them.They're just like, oh, that's spelled wrong.Yeah.
19:58He's like, when you say,out there.Yeah, yeah.You harp too much on the teachersand not enough on the other kidsthat you dislike.But I don't know, because like, yeah,that's weird.
20:07I mean, they're just staring at screens all days.Like, they're going to become more weirdin like school shootery.And they act like cyber bullying is like hasn't stopped.Oh, yeah, that's probably, yeah.It's probably like way more fun now.Like with Zoom?Like, like,
20:20You got his mom behind you.Start fucking tongueing her down.That shit's...He's tugging down his own mom?No, like somebody, some kid is bullied.Oh, I thought, okay, I was very...I thought you were saying the kid had...No.
20:31The bully had his mom behind him, like his own mom.And he's like, hey, mom, want to make out with his mom?And then he's like, hey, mom, want to make out and make fun of this kid through Zoom?And I'm like, that's weird.Hey, mom, join it.Look at this fucking...Yeah, your mom doesn't even fuck you, you, you, bitch.Where can I see this up?
20:46X videos.Nice.You can see a lot of that on X videos.Shout out to X videos.there hasn't been any Zoompoint or I guess OnlyFansKind of Zoom porn, I don't knowYeah
20:56Only did you guys would youOh I sawSomeone posted something likeNo man would date a girl onWho has an Only fansThat's a lieI would totally do it yeahYeah
21:07There's definitely people dating girlsOnly fansThat's what I mean is like these girlsProbably have boyfriendsYeahWho can't pay for themYeahWho can't pay for their membership
21:17RightWell becauseI don't knowYeah likeYou guys watch all the Only fans?Yeah.No, I don't.Yep.
21:23I paid three months one time.I'm shocked that you would do that.It was during the beginning of quarantine, man.I had nothing to do.Okay.I bought like...Poor local artists.But like, I didn't know I was going to get charged.
21:35I didn't...I thought it was a one-time payment thing, so I didn't know this game.So I was like, I realized after three months, I'm like, oh, shit, there's a backlog now.I just started going through all her shit.She was like playing with her stuff with dildo's getting fucked by her boyfriend.I was like, nice.Yeah, because if you're fucking your girlfriend on video, like, I don't see why that's...You know what I mean?
21:49I don't really care.Like, I could definitely date a girl.Like, it would be exhausting a little bit because your buddies would be like,yeah, you saw your girlfriend's asshole.Yeah.But, like, aside from that, like...But you're paying her $20 and now she gave me the allowance.Yeah.
22:03Yeah.So I'm buying us all rounds with your money.Yeah, exactly.Yeah.But it would be hard.Like, I don't think I could date a girl that, like, date porn and got like,fuck by dudes on camera.It aren't me.
22:13Yeah, but OnlyFans is so much such a different thing.You know what I realized, too, quarantine made everything.Every industry.like on edge because everybody's like realizing that you could just do whatever you wantwhatever industry it is maybe even maybe even even being a doctor loki because there's probablyspent so many people that probably did like I don't want to feel like going to the hospitalcan you just cut this nipple off of me bro and they're like I got you and then they cut a nippleoff him right we're at a doctor's house now we're going to see you but yeah yeah
22:44underground underground I think we also though will have a lot of people who think theylearn shit over the quarantine oh yeahYou know what I mean? They're like, no, no, I spent four months reading this.I know how to, like, do this job now.And they're going to be like, what the fuck?No, you don't. I don't know.There's some people that there definitely think that they're applying it right, but they're fucking up so hard.Yeah.
23:02Someone's doing the comma sutras to themselves.I don't know how that works.Hey, God.They made it work.I guess.How many roads are you have to remove?I think it's two, right?But, like, it's four, right?
23:15Two pairs.If you want to just do, like, the tip, I feel like.I have a friend who said he could suck his own dickAnd then we saw him lick his zipperSo I feel like he could suck his own dickIt was dick's longer than his zipperRight?Wow, yeah
23:27But I mean, I don't think it isWas his zipper just where his pants just hanging?YeahHe's got his pants around his ankles thatYeahYeahNo, I almost got caught trying to do thatI one time tried to suck my own dick
23:39And then like luckilyLike I got my legs over my head and stuffAnd then luckily it was like 30 minutes laterMy dad walked himAnd I was jerking offAnd I'm like he would have came in30 minutes earlier.That would have been a horrible thing to...
23:49Oh my God.Sorry,suck their own dick.Yeah,I think everyone's tried to suck their own dick.The question is how often.Yeah, or how hard you tried.Yeah.
23:59If you're straining yourself...Every week...Like you want it bad.Yeah.Every week I have...And if you put a condom on,then you're gay because you're onlysucking the dick for the feeling of the dick in the mouth.
24:09Not for...There's just some guy like that he's like, yeah,I did it.But, like, you know, I put numbing cream on my penis,so it feels like somebody else's.Yeah.I think gay people are super cool.Yeah, they're awesome.
24:19All right, now that the sponsors are,now I'm just kidding.Sponsorship.I was talking about this, though.I'm homophobic in the weirdest way.Because, like, I feel like a lot of people, like, when I watch Anderson Cooper, I want to hear, like, I've watched Info Wars, so I can't go to CNN and watch it.It's boring as shit to me.Like, I would rather Anderson Cooper talk about fucking dudes and, like, slide it into the news.
24:39I feel like that would be, like, most, I think the other side of homophobia is like, I don't want to hear gay people talk about it.I'm like, I want to hear it in conversation.Like, that would be funnier if he was just.like Trump and Russiaare tighter than the threads betweenmy anal beats or something fun like that.Like I think that would be more.Gay references out there.
24:55Yeah, like I would.Like how like black anchors or sometimeslike when they're doing the debases likeand I told him.And I told him.Yeah.You told her.All the white people were like,
25:06hmm, what did you tell him?Yeah.They know what's up.It's a throwback.It's a throwback to us.Would you watch Anderson Cooper's only fans?If you just talk.Yeah.
25:14We just talked.It's just him doing the news.He's like, hey, Michael.Is this what you wanted to hear?Imagine, because when you get an only fan,sometimes they send like a mass messagethat goes to all their followers.Yeah.
25:26They'll be like, hey.And I think it'll switch it out and put your name too.So I'd be like, hey, Michael,want to see some hot CNN news.Wait, is it like a good voice?Or is it right?No, it's just a fucking, it's a fucking...Like a soundboard?
25:38No, it's a fucking text.And they put your name in it.Oh, I thought you were saying that.Word.Wait, I didn't know that it was that one.You know, shit.This is exposed.Which one?
25:51Shit.Yeah, that's the black people playing.Exposed.Just has security come.This is started, but doesn't it sound like Alex Jones.Exposed.Exposed.Now, maybe I'm just hearing him in my head because I've been listening to him too much.
26:11Oh, this one?Oh, okay.That one's weird.We haven't had opportunities to you say that yet.That's good after someone says something really like serious and upsetting.Yeah, my grandma has Alzheimer's.There we go.Yeah.
26:33It's got a delay today.Yeah, it's pretty delayed, yeah.Now, it does, they hear it on the podcast in real time, correct?Okay.Oh, that's so exciting.They're going to love that.I'm 10 listeners in home.Thank you.
26:47They can't wait until we set up that by telling them what we're going to do.Yeah.There's something weird I was going to talk about.But did you guys have it?What's going on in your life?Do you have anything you came here to talk about?Me?Yeah.
27:00Dude.Fuck, no.I just work and this fucking, it's a pandemic and we can't chase our dreams.But I hate everyone.Yeah, that's about it, man.You didn't you slow down with drugs?I stopped drinking this week, which I was...I'm completely sober.
27:23Really?Whenever I'm over here and everyone's getting fucked up, I just, I hate everybody and I leave.I noticed he looked at me once in a while I was drinking a beer.He's just like...No, I don't judge people because everyone does.It was just like...Everyone does.I just don't.
27:38I just can't.It's just so unfun.Yeah.Just seeing people get fucked up.It's like, all right.But I mean, because it's kind of, I think when you're doing drugs, people talk a lot about it.Like, I think whenever you're doing drugs, you'll talk a lot about it.Like, I think whenever you do in code.
27:49everybody's talking about how awesome Coke is.They're like, dude, Coke is fucking.Or they text.Or they text you only when they're on Coke.A comic on Coke was teaching me martial art.Martial arts moves.That is actually pretty cool.Really?
28:02That's a fun, yeah.Does heart explode?He tried to do the fucking one punch on me.That's what you have it like this thing.Kind of like, oh my God.I learned that shit now.So, you know, when you learn it to my hand.Did he have a ponytail?
28:14I think if you have a ponytail and own a karate studio,you also have a Coke problem.All you did was scratch movies.your nails.It's called the tiger.I was thinking about just like jobs at nice.Do you have any weird jobs?Yeah,
28:29I'm aggressively trying to find a format to this podcast.So that's okay.Well,I do identify as a black woman.Oh,there you go.No.Queen.
28:38I,I,I worked in manual labor as a kid.I worked at a nursery.I would bag mulch and like lift heavy things.And,yeah,had a lot of shitty jobs.
28:51Yeah.You asked me.Yeah, yeah.I don't know why I was just hoping that somebody would have something weird.I delivered stakes one before.That's fun.Steakout.I got fired by some short bitch.
29:02You shouldn't have been the manager.She had a fucking son that was like eight years younger than her.Oh, really?Yeah, she sucked.Yeah, that is pretty shitty.I had somebody get fired from a job.The only person I've hated is this guy from Scott from Witch, which.I think I've talked about this in the podcast before, but
29:19This guy, it was so funny because he literally,the only person I've ever really disliked in my life,to do, like, I guess he would just talk shit about me aggressivelyto the point where the boss fired him because she liked me.Like, I came in one day and she's like, where's Scott?She's like, oh, he's gone.I was like, why?Like, he was talking shit about you.
29:34And it's so shitty because that was the day I was supposed to put my two-week notice in.Oh.And I was like, God damn.I love putting two weeks notices.I remember my best one I did.I was just like, hey, I'm putting my two weeks in at GameStop.And they looked at me and just like, you're good.GameStop, but it gives you
29:49shot. I was so, but that's devastating asfuck, just to like, this is your job?We don't need you.I walked away.I was just like, all right, bye.That's, what if you need those two more weeksof checks?They didn't care.
30:01Yeah, fuck them.Those nerds.And I shut down that store.I shut down that store because a game stops policy is like,you can't have a bunch of returns at your store.It just fucking fucks up your business.So I told all my friends to buy a whole bunch of shit for differentgame stops and just return it to that game stop.
30:16And then like three months.later that whole game stop got shut down.Dude, that's not petty.Wow.Yeah, it's not a petty at all.Dude, I literally think we talked about this on the last podcast.No.That's what I was in.
30:27A sex club?A sex club?Yeah, I worked at a sex parties when I was like 20.Oh, hell yeah.What was that like?Fucking dirty.Yeah.I was cleaning up in sex parties.
30:37I was barbacking, bartending, and just cleaning up after sex parties.Did you ever like, you see like legit come on the ground?Yeah.The funniest thing is like everybody would try to have sour shacks.Sour sex?They don't try to have sour sexAfter a sweaty dayJust throw lemons at each other
30:51So they would have to try to haveSh-hShower?Shower sexWait, why would theythrow lemons at each other?Michelle soldOh, you're kidding
31:01I thought you were sayingthat they would throw lemonsAnd they'd have to take a shower nowI'm like it's a sex partyWhy would you have for play?Like you know what's going to happenThey used to go to the showerAnd then like I think everybody
31:10would try to do shower sexWhat would they do in the shower?Fucking shit.Kiss and suckFuck and shitWhy would you fuckingthe shower with water,ruining the vagina juice.
31:20Exactly.A lot of people were doing thatand then realizing that this was whack.They would walk away sad and be like,all right, let's go into this fucking room.Yeah, but I would assume they know,if you're going to a sex party,I would assume you know about sex enough to like, no.
31:31Some people are just fucking dumb.Yeah.And they don't know how to sex problem.Can you say what part of town it was or where it was?This was in Greenpoint.Oh, okay.All the sex parties are in Brooklyn.Okay.
31:43At least, I guess all the...Were the people attractive there?Or were they just weirdos?Some of them were attractive, but then most of it was just like guys.I was just like, whatever.Dude, Essex had attractive people because they had the poly parties upstairs, like the polyamorous parties.And like, I would see really attractive couples coming up.Like, hell yeah.
31:58Because I normally, when I think of like swingers, I think of like some guy in Key West who's like kind of fat with like a southern accent.We're in Hawaiian.But in New York, everybody is a little bit different.Did you swing with your girlfriend?No.No.I'm just, I don't know if I'm like lame or an old or and everything's changing.Like, because like, all this shit's disgusting.
32:17No.I'm just, I like how I asked it like I was like, I was with it, but I was like, no, I'm not with that shit.Yeah, yeah, yeah.It's just, I don't know.Like, I could understand if there's somebody you were like just started dating and you're kind of like, yeah, okay, whatever.But like, I feel like four years in.And then out of nowhere she pops it on you, you're like, fuck, what's happening?What's happening?
32:35Yeah.Yeah, that's also a hard conversation to come back to.Once you suggest that you're like, maybe we should have sex other people.They're like, maybe we shouldn't date at all.Fuck you.Yeah, yeah.Yeah. No, I don't think I could do that.Yeah.
32:48I think I could depending on like she gets one guy.I get five gross.Yeah, that sounds like a fair ratio.I feel like the worst part, though, wouldn't it be that.The worst part would be other people knowing.You know what I mean?Like I feel like the worst part would be like your boys just being like, oh, yeah.I think the worst part would be another dude's cum in our mouth.
33:09Yeah, it would be pretty rough too.Sour kisses, bro.That sounds like a good album.sour kissesIt's an 80s bandI don't think you heard themThey were probablyDoing stuff like that in the 80s
33:21With sour kissesYeahI don't know nothing about the 80sBut it sounds like a gay timeJust because of AIDSBut if anything there's probably moreOpen gay people nowThey were in the 80s
33:31Oh yeahYeah there's a lot more gayBut like if you were gay back thenThey were just likeOh he's likeThey found outAnd like you'd be a partOf this whole secret world shit
33:40YeahI mean I was watching this documentaryLike it was like gaylike codes or some shitso like if you're walking in a park by yourself that was prettygayare you sure it was just peoplecalling other people gay? I'm so serious I was watching
33:54a documentary about two gaybaseball players female baseball playersand they're old as old as fuck now but they'relike we met in the park and I told them I left herand there was like all the gay people used to just come to parkand then sometimes just make an eye contact with another personand be like going this wayand they'll start walking with you
34:10well that would be annoying and shit if you're just walkingto the park by yourself and thenit was weird.Like, if you think about itBecause I think back thenwas the leather daddies tooSo there had to be a lot of those dudesWith like the assless chaps
34:18And I'm going just totally guessingBut I assume you got had a lot of that going onThat happened in New York tooLike a lot of people just walk around in parksIf you think like back in the dayHe used to just walk around parksAnd if you had a gay neighborLike Chelsea or some shit
34:30Just jogging in the parkAnd a gay dude starts chasing youHe's not the signHe's not the signNo it's not the signHe has fucking uh glow sticksHe's safeIt's so funny
34:43because I love that, like, culture of it.Like, I love that techno music and, like, the glow stick stuff.Like, that version of techno.Like, I don't know what it's called specifically, but the gay techno,that's like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, you know what I'm talking about?Like, very fast pace, just like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.You know what I'm talking about?Yeah, they're always in motion.
35:00Yeah.It's all shoulders with the gays.Oh.Well, it was different.At least at the EDM parties when I see them, I was always just, like, moving up here.I used to be deep in the EDM.Now, like, I wouldn't wear, like, the, uh,all the beads and stuff.
35:14But we go to concerts all the time in high schoolbecause that was like the only chanceyou get away from your parents for like,like, I don't know, it's like if there wasn't a high school party,you could always look forward to going to one of thoseand just doing a bunch of drugs.Like people legit, like ran out like limos and like party buses.Like it was prom or something just for like EDM concerts.
35:29But I remember one time we went and like,we went there in the bus with like 20 kidsand we left with like three because like everybody got arrestedor like went to the hospital.It was like every concert you'd see people getting like ODingor getting dragged out.Yeah. I have like four friends that had seizures from too much drugs when they were like 15 at EDM concerts.How are they doing now?
35:51Some of them are pretty good. Yeah.There's one friend that just keeps switching sometimes.Yeah, he's all right. Well, that's a crazy thing back then. It's all like these weird research chemicals.People were like, bro, no, this is like better than Molly. It's like two, three, four, 85.And we're like, okay. And then the key would have like a seizure. We're like, I guess that's a bad one.Remember, mark down 38. That's not the good one. That's not the good one.But that environment's so weird, though, because it's like half 15-year-old kids doing drugs,and then half, like, 40-year-old people that are either trying to fuck the kids or just do it trying to drugs
36:22or don't know the difference because these girls are wearing these push-up bras.And, yeah.So anybody can make those mistakes is what I'm saying.Chris Zilli is innocent.Exactly.His thing was so weird, though, because I haven't seen anything specific about it.Because, like, the ones I saw were him, like, hitting up a 17-year-old, like, want to bang.She's like, I'm 17.
36:41He's like, oh, never mind.And then a year later when I was 18, he asked me if I want to bang.I'm like, that's creepy.But like, but then some people who said there's shit out there that's like real creepy, I don't know.My ex fucked Christelia's opener.Oh, nice.Yeah.What was his closing bit?
36:59Oh, he's a terrible comedian.I'm pretty sure I looked at a skit and he was just like, it was bad.This is, you know, that's what happens.You become friend.I'm a terrible comedian.and I'm just trying to become friends with someone,so they'll take me on the road.That's the move.
37:16Yeah.I think now's the time,because I feel like it's kind of like there isn't stage time.I've met people that are like.There is a stage job,so all you could do is make friendships.Yeah, that lead to the road.Yeah, if I could leave town, I would.
37:29Can I be your MC at least?I think Lucas already is.Wait, he's your opener, but I can be your MC.You could do this.Hey, guys, Hazzainis, guys.I need your start.hyping guys. Give it up for your opener.Yeah, yeah. That's pretty good opening.
37:45Well, see, I, I made the mistake of not networking with clubs before all this,because I came here to, like, come up through New York and then do that.Yeah.Stopped. And now I'm just sitting here at open mics with you assholes.And it's, no, it's, it's fine.I don't know. No, I don't see the point of anything anymore.Yeah.Bigger shows. Go to bigger shows.
38:08Where, where, where?So fucking delay.I love it.Where's the shows where you isNew York club still doing shit?They still doing stuff outside I guessOutside and socially distancedI don't want to be coming after me
38:21It's amazing. It used to be like if you said somethingRacially insensitive you get canceledBut now it's like if you're doing showsYeah indoorsBut it's so funny though because then likeNone of those I don't knowPeople are fucking aggressiveIt's so funny because the second any comedy scene
38:34Has a Facebook pageLike I knew when New York had that outdoorI'm like this is going to becomeYeahThe hometown scenes I'm from or likeDoes St. Louis have one?Yeah, they don't have a comedy, so.It's fucking aggressive, dude.
38:47Just one guy messaging you, hi.There's always just like somewhere.There's, in Orlando, there's some, like, crackhead woman who got, like, a record deal from, like, some, probably just some random dude.She was back.It was called, like, Trident Records or something, like, was not legitimate.But it was, you know, those people that just like, I can do an hour just because, like, they're high on crack.And they're like, you could talk for an hour, but it doesn't mean.And then she posts these videos, like, see you guys when I'm at the top pitches.
39:10But he's just kind of like, hell yeah.That's crazy.Yeah, a lot of people in that New York one are just shitting on people for doing going to mics or whatever.Yeah, yeah.And this one girl described mics as overweight white guys being racist and sex.Yeah, and your comment was great.Oh, yeah.I love those idiots who they bring up racism and sexism while specifying the race and sex.
39:36Yeah.And she called him overweight.And she was fat.shaming.Well, your comment was funny, though, because then you say, yeah, fat people shouldn't be able to do comedy.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I made her look stupid, but she is stupid.I haven't seen her at one mic.Yeah.
39:51Yeah, I've seen a lot of people on the page.I'm like, who the fuck is?Yeah, they're not, yeah, they don't do anything.I don't claim to be like the guy that knows everybody, but.But that is the kind of like stuff I will do on Facebook.The only time I'll comment is just a totally troll.Like, there's one guy who posted about how Cosby was innocent.And he goes, I went to high school with that girl.
40:06She's a lying bitch.And I go, I went to high school with Cosby.Really nice guy.I never saw him rape anybody.And the dude liked it.And I commented on it.I'm like,hey,
40:16I think together we have a real good argument against the accusers.And he said,I agree.And I'm like,dude,I'm fucking 24.It's not physically possible.I went to-
40:24so funny.High school with Bill Cosby.And I made some long comment.I'm like,dude,I remember these long talkswe used to have about consentin his mom's kitchen.
40:31We'd be making pudding pops and stuff.And the guy is just like agreeing with me.I'm like,you were so far from understanding.It's really easy to mock people on there.Yeah,they have no idea.People don't know how to read it properly.
40:41Get the emotion out of it.They're like, no, he's all my side.No, I'm fucking making it funny.Yeah.That's the best.But that's the only way to do it is like if you make people,if you're sounding so stupid that people look stupid for arguing back with you.Yeah.
40:58That's, I mean, that's what my aim was with my most recent.So this guy, this guy, Jason Johnson, he goes about Black Panther.He goes, I think Tishala should be re-Tachala.How do you say?Tachala.He says, Tachala should be recast.I've seen seven white guys play Batman.Five white guys play Superman.
41:22And then I just posted it.And I was like, I don't care what Dr. Johnson says.The Black Panther should not be played by a white guy.And I'm just, I'm hoping people will be like, hey, that's not what he meant.It's like, no shit.It's just so fun to fucking troll and mock people.That's what social media is.for, I think, because I'm too, I think I'm, like, guys like a decade younger than me are like on their killing it like TikTok algorithm.
41:47I'm just like making fun of everything because I missed the boat.Yeah.One that was funny was like somebody posted, people were going to hate me for this one, but I had fun with it.So there's a really fucked up situation where some kid got like shot riding his bicycle without a helmet.He was like a white kid.And somebody posted like White Lives Matter.And I just commented maybe he should have been wearing a helmet.And then I said,
42:09at my whole Facebook profile aslike a salesman for likeretrospect bicycle helmets.And then I like all the comments are likeI'm not saying this should have happened.I'm just saying it wouldn't have happened.If he would have been wearing the retrospect,try promo code bike 4, 5.
42:25That's, people were like livid.But I was like, so funny.Yeah.You know what I used to do?I used to go to people's pictures and put I am groupand then like a sexual emoji.I was like what?And then they'd be like, what the first?
42:39Fuck, and I put an I am grew and they put a sad face.It's just fun to troll people.Yeah.My thing is I'll do the birthday thing.Whenever random people accept my friend requestor send me a friend request on Facebook that I don't know,I always accept it.But when it's their birthday,
42:52I make a long post about how I know them and shit.Because if you're going to play friends with me,I'm going to play right back.And they always just like it.Like, I'll say the crazy shit.I'll be like, when my mom was in the hospital,you were the one I could look to through this.But then I swear to I'll say shit.
43:07Like, but I won't forget our trip to Vegas.who knew that chick was underage, lull, anyways,happy birthday.And they'll like it every, like, nobody's ever said, like,who the fuck are you?People just, like, like, yeah.That's fucking great.I want to see your work.
43:20That's fun.Yeah, I was thinking about making, like, a,either, dude, yeah, because I have some really fucking funny ones out there, yeah.It's fun, yeah.Nothing's better than just mocking people on social media, man.Yeah.Yeah, because it was like, do we all get that thing.When you see somebody post and dumb, you want to be like,
43:36oh, these are my opinions.But, like, nobody gives a fun.Might as well just like, yeah.Three, four, five years ago, I was an idiot who'd get in arguments on there.Now I'm very ironic and play dumb and it's fun.Yeah, you got to have fun with it.My favorite thing to do is just to pretend I'm an idiot.Yeah.
43:53Because I'm, I am.Yeah.But if I'm pretending I am, then it's not, it doesn't hurt.Exactly.It's even more fun, yeah.I like realizing I'm a dumb ass.Like, I remember I went to private school up until eighth grade and I went to public school.but in private school, I guarantee you I was the dumbest person in private.
44:10Like I looked around at the classrooms and I was like, I am the dumbest person here.We used to get in so much trouble just all the time.But it was like you did anything in private school when you got in trouble first.It's true.And yeah.Like Molly.Yeah.I was also doing a bunch of dumb shit, but like on top of that.
44:27Yeah.It was weird.You guys both went public, right?Yeah.That's the way to do it.Your kid's going to end up weird.My private elementary school, when I left, they started making kids wear like uniformlunchboxes.
44:38I'm like, they can't express themselvesthrough their fucking lunch boxes.That's weird.That is really weird.Yeah.It's absurd.I remember my dad was talking about the meetingsbecause my parents just have to get
44:49meetings with me all the time because, like,my mom literally,my parents told me that they literally thought I was retarded.I know that's not the correct term,but like back then that's what they were using.That's what they were using it.And they like literally told my parents like,he might be like actually I had to go to speech therapy
45:02because apparently I didn't talk at first as a kid.It's just uncogny.But, yeah.Yeah, there's something like, oh, and open up those lips.He keeps saying fucking you by mom.And, no, but like, and then I guess they overcorrected it because, like, I won't shut the fuck up now.But, like, I remember my parents always have these meetings, like, Michael just doesn't, like, apply himself.And then my dad was saying that one time he was talking to one of them and they were like, yeah, we're working on like proverse, like some crazy stuff.
45:27And they're like, he just can't focus.My dad's like, who could, who gives a shit about like any of this stuff?Because the funny thing is, like, I don't know about private school, but public schools, they make sure they, if you have retarded kids.which is the proper term,but if you have them,they give you more moneyfrom the state and shit.I think they should just be in a cage.
45:44Or lease or bib.Or all three.Sponsored by this podcast.But I love the special needs kids.Like I know,because I know them personally,I'm calling them special needs,but in general they're retarded.
45:57But if I know you personally,you're special needs.But they get that privilegeof not being called retardedif they're friends with you.Hell yeah.But there was one kid named Henson.I couldn't tell if he was
46:06Asian or had Down syndrome.Okay.Well, you know the origins of that, right?You know the term Mongolian, or Mongoloid was racist because they saw, it's super racist,but they saw Asian people originally, like English people saw them, and they thoughtthey looked similar to people with Down syndrome.So they started calling them the same, they started calling kids the Down syndrome, Mongloids,because they looked like Mongolian people.
46:29Nice.And then I saw a black Israelite tried to explain to me.This guy literally tried to say that basically all Asian people had Down syndrome because theylook similar to people with Down syndrome and I was like I don't think that's accurate.Black is real lights are probably my favorite people.It is a lot of fun.I'd love to just go have like, like, like statements.Like mock them in person.
46:51Well, it's always like, it's the same thing as like a different conspiracy theorist.It's like they always have like a little bit of truth, but then it's just like you,they tie like two and two together like that makes sense.But then like something else will come and you're like, oh, this is.I love it.I love people who hate white people.It's so fun to make fun of.without being obvious?
47:09Like how?Just have a conversation and pretend you understand.Like, oh, that makes sense.White people have tails.Yeah, we do.I had mine removed.Anyways, tell me more about how the Jews are actuallyshape-shifting pigs.
47:25Because that seems to have scientific backing, you know?Yeah.But yeah, they stand down in Times Square, right?Yeah, yeah.It's very similar to the same thing as like the...You're the one to your next month.meaning.Actually, I have a bad place.
47:40But it's like, it's so crazy how similar it is to like the far right conspiracy theoriesbecause it's kind of the same mindset that like the government's going to microchip us.That's like the common.I think they are already.I'm not going to lie to you.Do you think we've already been microchipped?I think I got microchip.I did my fucking antibody test.
47:58And apparently everybody else been getting like blood drawn out from their fucking veinsand shit.They fucking pricked me like a couple times in my fingertips and now have like these permanentlittle dots.You see those little dots?Let me see this.Look at them.You see it, right?
48:12Am I bugging?See the dots?Yeah, I don't know.Son, they know where I'm at.I'll tell you what.That's how I got blacked out drunk last time I didn't get hurt because the governmentsaved me.That's so funny that like that idea of like a weirdly racist, like a super racist government
48:29that wants to like microchip black people but also make sure they're doing okayso that they can enslave them.They're like, whoa, we don't want them getting injured.Stop. Keep them healthy because we want to own them.Like a weird.There's, um, what, what I, my opinion on this is all these people are like getting vaccineson the air, right?Like different professional, famous people, politicians.
48:51But it's like, okay, it could be a placebo, a harmless thing.Exactly.And just so, you know, I had so much.I was like hyped up about that.Because, well, if they haven't done this in the past, oh, look at me.I'm getting it.Yeah.a spoon with like a kid like oh here comes the food oh i'll eat it you don't eat it you know you don't
49:12yeah yeah well i have a friend who's a nurse who like straight like uh i don't want to say his name butwe all know who is he openly said he was somewhat skeptical by the vaccine he's getting it down he showed apicture of it but he did say he's like i understand your skepticism because it's like it is kind of likeyeah we should all be skeptical yeah that doesn't mean you're like some crazy anti-vax personjust because you're skeptical of a vaccine that came out and super soon yeah i mean it's i mean i meanI think it's totally reasonable that this virus is just a tiny bioengineered machinethat's been used by the Illuminati to kill it.It's perfectly normal.
49:46Makes sense.The best is like I will get in those conversations and then it spins that way and I'lltry to like put it back together.But I'm like, yeah, you know.I want my fucking vaccine slowbrood.Just like chilled out for a while sitting in.It's cool.They put it on dry eyes.
49:59That is kind of badass.It like comes out.There's like smoke coming out.They're like, this is the facts.Yeah.Time to take the boxOh yeah, he says all those thingsI used to meet you, Batman.
50:14I'm gonna break the ice.I'm the governor.Yeah.That is so sick that he was governor of California.Bro.He's fucking awesome.Do that guy came from Austria with like a few bucks and steroids.Yeah.
50:27Yeah, it was like 20 bucks in like a gym bag.Yeah.Abbey Buck.Oh, no.Play the thing.Play the sound.The bad one.The black guys are like,
50:47oh, I can't believe you fucking upwith that a bad joke.Yeah.All right.I'll be black.I'll be black.Transracial on Sports nager.I'll feel black on the inside.
51:00Listen to me.I told you there's another guy right who hit me up.Because there's that blackface woman.But then there's also a dude who's just,just a white guy who just does blackface and has cornrows and like hates white people.But he's like, he's asking me about the injections.He's like, bro, what's her regimen?I want to get on it.
51:18And I was like, well, she went to like a specific doctor in like, I think Thailand or something like that.And he's like, nah, I want to make them myself.I'm like, I don't think you should be making black skin and injecting it into yourself.Yeah, I don't know.That seems more dangerous than the vaccine, but I don't know.Yeah.Also, by the way, for the viewers, we're on the fucking penthouse Manhattan.I love, you've got how not ugly this city is when you're like up here.
51:43It's like beautiful, but when you're like walking down the street, you're like, these place is gross.Yeah.It would be dope to be.It's all projects to me.What's so cool as you look down on those signs, how high they are when you're walking.It's just to put things on that perspective, it's fucking nuts.I'll get cocky, though.I feel like I'll look at Manhattan either from Brooklyn.
52:05or like from one of these views and I'm like this isn't that big of a city I can conquer itlike mentally I think that which is very delusionalfuck it I mean that's the right thinking if you want to be successfulyeah well I think there's a mix because some people I feel there aren't a lot of peoplethat are like I have no idea how I got here I just you know it happened I think some peopleare like I didn't know I was going to be this successful but I think there's very few peoplethat just had no idea they're like I just wandered into Hollywood and I guess they threw meI guess a couple people are those are always funny like
52:34This is not like Jennifer Lawrence's storyShe was just likeI was walking down 14th StreetAnd they was likeYou should be a matterAnd now hunger gamesReally?That was basically her backstory
52:42That's why everybodyThat is kind of sickAnd so I want to see a look on people's facesWho've likeBeen acting since they were nineAnd they like hear her say thatAnd they're likeYou fucking bitch
52:52YeahThey're hungryHave youHave you uhHave you done any act?I'm so bad at actingHave I done acting?Yeah
53:01I took a classI it's I'm thinking that mybe the way to go becauseyou have to have multiple venuesI mean multiple views of likeYeah yeah yeah likeI'm at a point where if I did become an actor tomorrowAnd was successful like in a show
53:18I could fall back on stand upYeah yeah yeah yeah so that's good to knowIt's like you see these people who fall back on stand up and they can't do itThat's funny that's always yeahThey do it for a year and then people find outBut yeah that's always funny because they people are like oh well they can still sell out showsLike what's her name?I want to start an acting class
53:34worlds apartoh yeah yeahso that was before I took the acting classsomeone just knew I was a comic at my joband they were like hey I'm doing this showand I'm doing it you know they fucked up the namesCatherine cramper is over your headand Nathan Orden is over hers
53:50yeah it's reallooks like they put a lot of effort and do itis it a body switching movie is that why they put the namesover the different ones no just poorly madebut uh it's my burner phoneI'll explain that off the airI don't sell drugs I swear to God it'sIt's not that.
54:04It's so much lame than that, but I'll explain Leonard.Is it there?So I want to do it.I signed up for an acting class before in March and then the quarantine hit.So I couldn't.Dude, the same thing.Where did you sign up for it?Barrow, Barrow, whatever.
54:17I almost did that one.I did like HB.Studios, but I was going to do that one.But yeah, the same thing.And then they're like, they're like, we could either refund you or we could do a Zoom acting class.And I'm like, I'm going to get refunded because I'm like this.They, I told them my first email was like, hey, yeah.I noticed, I signed up for an acting class and now there's the quarantine.
54:37So I just need a refund thanks.And they're like, oh, we're actually doing Zoom.I went right back.Like, I paid for in person, not Zoom.Yeah, yeah, yeah.There was a quarantine.I need to pay my rent.Yeah.
54:47Like they were like, yes, sir.Yeah, yeah.I like being assertive an email.Yeah, yeah, because they'll try to pull that shit.I'm like, too, I'm not going to do it.Zoom acting class.It'd also be funny because I was quarantining with like my family.And that'd be annoying as shit.
54:58I'm just in the background.And I'm just like, mother died.And I have to save the children.And my mom's like, Michael Dinnis ready.I'm like, shut the fuck up, mom.I'm in character.And then she stops like right there.That's what you're, that.
55:10Use that.It's a lady in a beret.She's like, oh, my God, you're fucking fantastic.Send your dad's walking in on you sucking your own dick.Look that's surprise.Take that emotion.Oh, no, dad.Don't look at my penis.
55:23I don't look at my coke.I don't know if I do acting.You guys are pretty handsome guys.I think I just do.I want to stick to voice acting, but anything.Yeah.Do Chinese voices.You're handsome. It's going to be fine.
55:35Thanks.I love the idea of like an acting thing, but it only teaches you how to do racist voices.Like, it's only how to do voices of other races.If you're going to do the Asian voice, start squinting.So, or if you're going to do the black voice, like, act like your balls is heavy.You just start talking.Man.I can't do a black voice.
55:54I feel like I do higher-pitched black voice.It's right there in your heart, bro.Thank you.There's a little black man in all of us.Aw.His name is Gary Coleman.It's a little tumor.Oh man.
56:09Now I'm just thinking about like researching acting classes and doing some.Improv classes are hilarious.Some of the exercises are just absurd.I took one here and it was so funny.They're like everybody's just going to be a sailboat today.You're like, okay.Like does this guy, is this really what we're paying for a little bit?Sometimes you're like, I don't know.
56:26And the one guy was so funny.He's like all those old comedians are out.The new stuff is improv.And I'm like improv's cool.Like I'm not going to shit on it.don't, like, say that stand-ups, like, out because...Yeah, they're idiots.Yeah, yeah.
56:36Those are just people that can't do stand-up.Yeah.Well, some people, like, I get it.Like, a lot of those as not...Like, people like, Will Ferrell and guys like that, like, really got started and improvgot really good at it and, like...Yeah.Yeah.
56:47Yeah, that handful of people.Yeah, yeah, I have.But not that guy.It was, like, teaching me to be a sailboat for an hour.Improv shit is harder than...Like, to pop up like them?That shit is crazy.No, some of it's very hard.
56:57Someone's definitely harder than stand-up.But I think, and to be able to be good acting.I think some of it's harder, but he's given me a look.I think some of it is, but there are also a lot.No.But there are a lot of dipshits that are like, yeah.Yeah, I'm jaded because where I started comedy in St. Louis, there was the improv scene.They were just all shit comedians and like weird losers who just one needed friends.
57:24And they like ostracized me because like I did a show there.And I did well.But like someone didn't like.the jokes I made because they weren't they were problematic.It's just those type of people.So I don't respect.Yeah.Well, it's funny because I did have a friend in improv.
57:38He was kind of telling me the same thing.He's like,he's like, it's like, it's weird that there isn't.It's weird that came out that way because he's like,why isn't there like a dark improv group?Like I'll be,I would go watch that if they're like,yeah.
57:48You know what I mean?I would be,I'd be like, that'd be sick.Oh, I have a chainsaw.Is that a baby?Yeah.Yes.And put it in its face.
57:56Like, that could be, like,I'm not saying all comedy has to be fucked up,but that would be a fun thing to watch.Yeah, I think everybody would watch that.It would be fun just to be that guyand a regular improv troupe.Yeah, just doing that.Like, I'm going to visit my grandma.
58:08Ooh, inject her with heroin.Yeah, no, I did, I did see so thatbecause I like, I did it a little bitbecause I wanted to get better on stageand this one dude who, uh, he, uh,he randomly would just bring up like butt fucking pigs.Just in the hell of it.It was so funny because they'd be like, okay, um,
58:24Darrell, we're going to not do the butt fucking pigs routine.And he's like, okay, okay, we'll do.something else and then he was just like a pig's asshole is real hot and we just be like yeah it'spretty cool it's pretty funny that guy's sweet yeah like that episode of the office wheremichael scott just keeps getting a gun yeah yeah dude who's literally just like that but the dudekept bringing fucking pigs into it yeah and then he made me his pig and uh yeah it was weirdhe do private sessions at his apartment and he'd be like make the noise i'm beerno none of that happened but oh that's a soft one i like that
59:00that's a baby piglet man yeah yeah oh can you do it a little angrier watch like i'm the guyand i'm making up like yeah this guy who did this crate wouldn't that be weird if he did thatand we did that oh wink that's seductive yeah ohink I'm a fucking pig and that's the show guyswhere can they find you Nathan are you serious yeah yeah I want to end it right that I likethat ending I like that ohyou can find me in the club sippingI'm just kiddingI'm gonna kill myself
59:31no I'm not back on that I love lifeyou can find me at Randy'sOrton's brother it's a jokebecause I everyone just introduces me as thatso I just thought I'd take it over and own it to pretend that it doesn't hurthell yeah that's your N-word in a wayyeah it's my yeah Randy might well Nathan's my N-wordRandy Orton's brother on Instagram
59:54Don't take me seriously.I don't.All right.Derek Gonzalez,where can they find you?Officially Derek Gonzalez on Instagram.I'm so tired.Yeah.
01:00:05Is anything else you want to promote or you guys?Oh,yeah.I have an animated short called Biggie the Turtle.That shit is a matter of fun.Fuck yeah.Check that out.And your podcast won't promote that?
01:00:15Oh, fuck yeah.Monkey don't.That shit's turned out better than I was afraid it would.Yeah.Dude, it's a blast.I did an episode.It's a good podcast.Yeah, it's on the Helium Network, right?
01:00:26Yeah.Helium Comedy Network.It's in my bio.It's in my profile.When you go...Shut the fuck up.What's some loving that shit, bro.Yeah, go to my profile on Instagram.
01:00:39No, it's doing well.It's funny.People like it.People say good things.Yeah, no, I loved it.And seriously, not my opinion, but people have been like,oh, this is good.People like it.
01:00:51it. Fuck yeah. All right. Well, that was the show, guys. Thank you very much.All right.
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