Morning Good - The Performance Improvement Plan - Episode 123

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Thanks to Graham Cooper for coming on the show and quick shoutout to Matt Bowman for making a special phone-in appearance. Graham's been on the show before so check him out on previous episode's and at his links down below.Graham is on Instagram @grahamcomedy and also hosts @switchhitterscomedy in NYC.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichael.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax .

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. I did not. And we're on here starting with Graham Cooper. What's got? And we're also here with just Graham Cooper. Hell yeah. This is the Fox Jake Timothy episode.

This is the Fox Jake Timothy episode. episode. It's Jake, we're worried about you. Get some more sleep, friend. He does. He's like, it's so funny because him, he's one of those guys who'll see smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee at like 10 o'clock. And he's like, I don't know why I can't sleep. I just, I can't sleep. You're like, well, it seems like everything you're doing. Yeah, yeah. Probably the reason. Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. It's like, and if you're, you're doing it that late, it's like, look, I, I do drugs to go to sleep, which is not ideal. But look at this face. Look at, you now look terrible. I look better than Jay.

look better. Yeah, right? Okay. Yeah. You said I look too. I think I look fine. No, you look good. Yeah.

How old are you? 25? I'm actually 15. So, it's really bad for 15. Really great for 25. Yeah. Terrible for 15. Yeah.

Well, it is a thing with like, uh, flow, like it is funny because I do look older than I am. People are always like 25, huh, which used to be cool. And then now as you get older, it's less cool. Yeah. But I, I, I've said this before. It's, it's being in the sunlight does age you. That's just how it works.

Oh, for sure. So, like, people that live in the north. I assume if you live in Seattle, you just look like a baby forever. I'm not sure. You ever been on a cruise ship? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever see those guys that are like, they live on the ship? Yes.

Like old people that live on the ship. I saw once, I would do it on a cruise ship once, who literally looked, like, his skin complexion and texture was that of like a burnt hot dog. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you said this is one guy. You're also describing the whole entire state of Florida. Oh, yeah. Old people, when they get a certain age there, yeah, they say.

But when you're out in that salty air, not just like the days you go to the beach, but 24-7, it'll fucking rust you. Like, he just... And it gets like the skin, it literally turns into a hot dog because it gets those like wrinkles that are kind of like that. It's like that burnt hot dog look. Yeah, that is all of my state. But it's hard too because like also the sunlight does give you vitamins. So I guess put sunscreen on and get it. Put sunscreen on, dude.

But does sunscreen stop you from getting any of those vitamins? No, I don't think so. Do you know for sure? It's just for UV protection. So you'll still get the benefits of the sun, but just it stops like the UV rays that damage your skin. As far as I know, I'm not a doctor. Oh, fuck Matt Bowman's calling me.

You want to answer it? Answer it on the, put it on speaker. Put it on the pod. Hey, Matt, you're on speaker on the morning good show. You shouldn't have had to think about this. It should have been your only thing in your calendar this week. You should have been ready to say morning good. God damn.

I should be there right now. I wish I was at the goddamn diner, but. Is it still closed? It's still closed. X-Man said it's because they found out that everybody that worked there was not legally residing in this country, but I don't know if that's true. I don't believe that. That seems like some shit Arden would just make up. I would believe that they're not leaving resigning in this country at that doubt.

But I don't know how Arden would find out about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so they tell him, yeah. Is there a Facebook group of just illegal immigrants in New York City? Dude, I know at least two comics that shouldn't be here. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Like, well past their visas.

Yeah, yeah. Say their names on a reported podcast. Well, one's Matt Bowman. He needs to be back in Ohio. Get his fucking... Yeah, deport him. Get his ass out of here. Ohio is another country.

What are you doing, Matt? Why aren't you here on the pod? Well, I would love to be. I've got nothing going on. I was going to go right at the diner, but it's still closed. So when we asked... In the group chat, we said, Hey, Monday the pod.

So many times who wants to come pod and you didn't... I thought it was for... We literally went like urgent, need-ee you by six. Come over. No, no, it's too late.

We'll call you back. Yeah, yeah, we got to call you at a different time. We have, we have important topics to get to. Oh,

that's okay. That was fucking 90 seconds when I can't stand that guy. I would love to call. Everybody could say great things and they just on air to be like, I fucking hate that piece of shit.

Yeah, I do know a lot of you leave immigrants here. None of which Mexican, though. No. Yeah. I know they're here, but like none of,

none of which, uh, Yeah, I don't know. It surprises you how few are actually Mexican? No, no, no, because I know, like, okay, in Florida, it's like you... Florida doesn't even get a lot of illegal immigrants. Like, they're coming in... Oh, it does.

Through, like, I guess, like, some... But, like, the amount that, like, DeSantis is, like, transporting on buses to New York and, like, Martha's Vineyard and shit... They're coming from Texas. Yeah, I could see that, too. Yeah. We do have a lot. We have a lot that go through... I mean, I don't know anymore, but it used to be Cuba was, like...

Yeah. Yeah, I don't care. I don't care. I'm everybody come here. I don't really give a shit. I also, I don't care about anything now. You could tell me that down the street they're murdering babies and I would be like for it. Why? What changed? Why don't you care about anything? I just, I watch the news and everybody is trying to do what I got you. I'm. Yeah, that's true. And it's like one of those things that I'm like, it's, and it's down to every single politician. By way, I took Adderall to apply for jobs today. So this is, this might be the most serious episode of morning good. This is like...

I love how you take Adderall to get like serious. It's not just... I only see people ever do it at like a party to have a good time but you're like, let's actually talk politics right now. I took Adderall this morning

put on a tie in my own apartment for like a job interview. It combed the hair. Like over like a video? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How'd it go? I fucking nailed it.

Hell yeah. Yeah, I lied right to their stupid things. You're gonna get fired in four weeks. Yeah, I also, I haven't covered yet. By the way, I will cover in the next five minutes me getting fired.

I'll get into that. The viewers don't know about that yet. Oh, shit. But, um... They know. Yeah, I mean, they saw it coming, but, but, um, yeah, I don't know. I think the thing with politics, it just gets so everybody's like, gotcha. And then everybody who's in, all of them are just, it seems so crooked.

Like, they're always like, I'm the this or I'm the that and the for the people. And then the second that third party starts doing things, they start, like, you know what I mean? Like, I think there could be a Republican guy who really nailed it if he wasn't so into the gay stuff. In the other way. He wasn't really into the gay shit. It's like, don't where you lose me. Yeah. It's like, if they lean.

more towards like libertarian republicanism, which I don't even fully support, but I'm saying like... Yeah, but I see why people vote for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I say what you mean. You're like, it's not for me, but I understand it. Right, right.

And it's like, it gets so reactionary that they're like, they're doing this, so now we do this. And I'm like, they really could be winning if they were like, hey, look, we do whatever you want with gay and trans stuff, all this stuff, but we have, you know, other stuff we have to get to.

Because the thing is like... Yeah, that was just the whole thing with, like, during COVID. They're like, it's our rights, except, so it's just very like, I don't know, Democrats are very like, no, no, no, you have to get vaccinated. You have to be enforcing masks social justice.

But like, hey, it's, you're right. If you want to get an abortion or be gay or be trained, whatever, who cares? And it's just the other way around. I lived in the UK for a long time. I was there for 10 years. The politics there, we're just so beyond that. It's great. In what way?

Like, people have just accepted abortion, a gay marriage, whatever the fuck you want. They're like, who cares? We're talking about money. Like the economy is in shambles. Right. That's conservative versus liberal over there. It's just, is financial and a little bit of social. Right.

But what I'm saying is I get why those also the, I get why people think it's hypocritical for the party that says you can do whatever. Oh yeah. Like now you have to shut down your business on like the left side of it. Like I get that aspect of it too. So I'm like, I think in every way it gets all complicated. And then I'm also a fucking idiot. So I'm like for me to be. Yeah, I listened to your episode where you thought that Slop.

slavery ended in the South first. No, no, no, no, no. Technically, okay, by the way, I did research on this, just to follow up. So, the Mason Dixon line who, there was something... Like, I did research, I can't even fucking

put together what I was saying. What I was saying was, the Emancipation Proclamation did not... What I was trying to say is, it did not... And Elvis was there and he was an agent for the DEA. Yes, yes, yes. And Ronald Reagan signed the Emancipation Proclamation. All of that is what to say. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a good one. That is all factual. No, what I was saying was that the Emancipation Proclamation did not illegalize slavery in the United States. It illegalized slavery only in the South. So. I guess, yeah, with the logic being, it was already illegalized in. Right. Even though there was illegal slavery happening in the North still.

But there still is. Right. Of course, yeah. Fucking modern slavery is that the worst it's ever been. Yeah, check my closet. There's like five of them in there. I mean, you can hear them. I mean, like, this mic covers do pretty well to like.

That's the whole point of this film on here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Muffle that. No, but it's like something like 50 million people. Yeah, there's more people enslaved today. But then I always wonder what that means. Like if it means like kidnapped. It includes forced labor and forced marriage.

Okay. Because that often coincides with forced labor. No, no, no, no, no, for sure. Now, it's fucked up as it is. No one's really forcing a marriage to be like, and you just hang out here and do whatever you want. Yeah, yeah, I just want somebody to keep me company. Putting you to work, you know.

Yeah, it is always bad. But I'm saying, like, there is technically more slavery today. but on average. It's her capita. Very low. Yeah. And it is, this is horrible to say,

but it is better slavery in some ways. Nope. So not all of it. Not all of it. There are for sure people chained to radiators that are like being whipped and tortured. Yeah. But I think,

although all slavery is bad, I like the way I'm talking. That's what me and my girlfriend did this morning. She changed me to her radiator. And hit you with a whip and just fucking whip me, dude. Nice. Great. Yeah.

reparations. But yeah, no, I think it's like, I don't know. It's, what's better? More people in society disagreeing with slavery, but they're being more slaves or more or less slaves, but society agrees with it. Ooh. Because it's like, it is, it is probably still just less slavery. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Overall.

Yeah. It would be better if people didn't like it and they didn't do it. Right. But if they're going to do it, I guess don't enjoy it. No, of course. Yeah, yeah. But it is tough too because you're like, okay, what is worse? This amount of people being enslaved and treated horribly or a larger amount being treated

to let's, because either way the concept of slavery is horrible. And that's the problem with what happens to discussions in like the South. Because a lot of people will say, oh, okay, you know what? They get mad because the media will portray slavery in horrific ways, which it was horrific. Dude, it's a thing that'll happen. The fucking liberal media. Yeah. I know multiple people, they'll go,

look, that's not every slave master, like Django. Yeah, sure, but like, not good. Agreed. And the concept is, what's bad. So, like, the whole argument is dumb

because, like, the whole idea of owning another person is the, you know, not the levels of it. So it's like, on either end of it, it's like, no, you just shouldn't own people. That's bad. Now, how bad it was is just the fact

that it's happening. Instead of starting to like split with a hair where you're like, well, technically... I'm glad you took Adderall this morning because we're really going to solve every problem. I'm going to solve it all. There's two white guys on a podcast, solve the problems. The last one was literally called White Guy already. We're going to have to make up for it.

That's why I brought you on with your progressive views and your positive attitude, because the last one, we went too far into it. I think Patty DeFino made a rape joke every two seconds. Holy shit. Yeah. That's impressive timing. Stats. Yes.

stats. I mean, like, not a statistic I'm really going for, but... No, no. Look, credit where credits do. Yeah, absolutely, yeah, yeah. It's like watching someone, like, complete a video game really quick. You're like, I don't give a shit, but like, good for you. Yeah, yeah, you know? Like, you did it. Yeah, yeah. I guess that's something. Yeah, well, that's like, I jerked off one time, like, seven to nine times in one day.

Holy shit, dude. And Kimback had me on his pocket, like, hey, didn't you, like break a world record or something? And I'm like, first off, I don't think that's the record. Second off, let's not bring this up, like, this is a proud thing of mine. This is one of those nine times, dude? It was seven or nine. But also, it was one of those where I was on Adderall, so you don't sleep. So your day becomes 24 hours.

So you, okay, so this is over an entire 24. Right. Not sleeping in that time period, but it was 24 hours. I think the most I've ever done is three. Yeah. That's like, that's like a pretty... That's a lot. That's a lot. Yeah, yeah. That's a lot.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't do it a whole lot. Yeah. The point is, I love Padilla, Defino. And I love coming. Yeah, yeah. I love coming. No, and I do love that fucking episode. I was like laughing my ass off. But it's one of those. I was like, man, we are a lot sometimes. I'm like, look, I like

that my podcast goes like that and we don't really edit things. But also, let this be the educational pallet cleanser episode. For that listener who wants to learn a little more, do you tag this in your resumes? You say listen to my podcast before you hire me and... Yeah, I said we have

rape jokes every two seconds. no, no, no, sorry. A rape joke every two seconds. Yeah, that's what you said. What's that per hour? I don't even know the stats on that. Per hour? Yeah.

Too many. Yeah. Far too many. No, I think he made four to be fair. But yeah, we let it lose sometimes. Either way, I don't have a job. And that was the funniest firing I've ever had because... Yeah, tell me about it.

They gave me like a warning. They're like, okay, you're going to have to sign this thing called the... I decided a PIP, which is a performance improvement plan. And they're like, which are basically, they're set up to fail. Yeah. Because they'll either keep it vague or they'll make it things that you can't possibly like conquer. So they're just looking for cause to fire you. For sure.

And I attach. Have you accepted? Yes. And I attached like my whole document where I was like, well, technically I wasn't given the training manual, all this stuff. This is incorrect. I think it's so funny that you went. How long was it six weeks? What do you mean?

Without the training manual? Two months. Two months. without a training manual, and you never said anything. I know that, like, they never gave it to you, but the fact that you're just sitting around for two months, like, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. Well, I've never gotten a training manual before for a job.

Yeah, that's fair. But, like, no one even... Receptionists, they're like, look, you answered the phone. Yeah, but what do I do with this? But, like, no one trained you on... What was the job? It was data entry. I'd enter checks for this company.

It was a non-for-profit, and I'd enter all the information, and I'd send thank you letters out, do research on donors, stuff like that. But what happened was, like, you're like all of them were on Epstein's flight. Yeah. Fire, fire, fire.

It's in the training manual. Do not mention Epstein. Don't talk about that. When you do research on our donors, don't dig too much. Yeah, yeah. Don't send receipts to any of these people. Don't even give it a quick Google because that'll come up. Dude, I really wonder, that is so funny.

I can't do it anymore. But I wonder, we went through like sales force database. I really wonder if Epstein is probably donated to the company because it's just Jewish non-for-profit. Like a lot of those guys that do rape kids on an island, they are also very big philanthropists. Well, you got to give back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always like a big cover-up. You know what I mean? There are always those people that you're like, oh, damn, Cosme donated to this, this, and that? Wonderful. But you're like, that's really a like nobody look at me further thing.

It is until it isn't. It is until like you donate too much, like someone like Bill Gates and they're like, actually, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's, you donate it. you have far too much money to donate, you must be killing everyone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He, like, I don't know why. He, he, I love Bill Gates. Because he, like... Oh, he's my best friend. He spooks me out when you hear, like, conspiracies about it, but I love the idea of him being, like, an evil...

It's funny. Because he's just such a dork that... Yeah, yeah. You're like, all right, I get why people could think this just on paper, but if you look at him, you're like, really? Yeah.

This guy? You think he's, like, mastermining the apocalypse? Like, I don't know. He just... Yeah, it's funny to think about, though, he's like, I just want to make the world a better place and off mics. He's like, these fucking pussies.

I'm gonna kill all of them. Like, the idea of just being like, they bullied me in high school and I will never... Look, I just want to care polio and touch some kids. What's the problem? Yeah. Just slipping it in here and there. Yeah.

But like, yeah, the idea of him, like, I don't know. I love the end of the world being like everything's on fire. And then Bill Gates is just in like one of those Iron Man suits with like a glass like thing on top. And just like a fucking... I don't even. no, just some gun that shoots out fire. He's just, like,

in a helicopter, just looking out over all of it, and he's like, yes. Yes. Yes. You know, he's just, he's just coming. Oh, yeah. You could find, I guarantee you you look up, like, go on, like, Reddit with, uh, Reddit or 4chan or something. I guarantee you could find some beautiful Bill Gates

uh, end of the world art. That's always fun. You know, that like the political art where it's like something crazy. Like, it'll probably be Bill Gates with like, I don't know. Can you look it up real quick? I'm very curious. Definitely something vaccine related. What do I even Google? Bill Gates. Is this something I want in

Google? Is this something I need some... Look up like Bill Gates. Like, I guarantee you there's one where it's like him on the throne of vaccines or something like that. Like, there's got to be something interesting with him and that. Hang on. I just got to put it in private browsing. Turn a VPN on or something.

That's funny. I don't even put private brows for the ridiculous pornography I watch. And you're like, meme is going to make me look kind of weird. I don't know. I don't want Google thinking I like this and sending me ads of creepy Bill Gates pictures. You know what is the worst? Google started doing this shit where I talk about something I hate. Like I keep making fun

of She-Hulk Attorney-Law. And now I only get advertisers. Dude, is that a real show? Yes, it's so bad. But I only get advertisements now for She-Holk Attorney Law because they don't hear fuck She-Holk Attorney at Law. All they hear is She-Holk Attorney-Law. So everything getting, like, every other advertisement now

is She-Holk Attorney-Law for me. That's hilarious. Oh, dude, there's some good, there's some good Bill Gates art. Is it like Jesus murdering Bill Gates? Look at that. He's just got flames behind him holding up a syringe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fun. Of course, all the pictures are too blurry to, like, read anything. Oh, that's hilarious.

Dude, I don't think, that is one thing that it's kind of annoying. Look, I always talk about the moderators, the liberals being more boring than like the crazy conservative moderators. But like, or what do you call, what do you call somebody on the news? Like a, like a moderator, right? No. No, you're stupid. What are they called? Like a pundit?

Or like... Or you mean like an anchor? Like an anchor. Okay. A moderator? No, moderator is like a debate. Okay, somebody between... I get to that, but isn't...

I thought... There's another word for like somebody who's like... Who speaks just like an anchor? Just a newscaster? Yeah, I don't know. But get those guys. I always talk about how the... You need a the thesaurus around just to figure this out.

I do. But I think the concerted ones are always fun. The liver ones are boring. But also the artwork. Like, I feel like you never see. see like there's always one a cool one of like Trump and Jesus with like machine guns. It's like Trump, Jesus

and Bill O'Reilly just fucking blowing each other. Yeah, yeah. But I was saying I don't think the liberal side does that as much with. No, because there's not that much like, there's some. There's definitely, there's way more liberal artists. So you'd assume there'd be like better murals. But there's not the same like idolization of them.

Like no, very few liberals and there are, I mean there are a good amount, but very few like relative really like look up to the news anchors in the same way that like they want to all fuck Tucker Carlson or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which like, let's face it, who doesn't.

It's cute. But like, like, he's got the Bieber cut. Very few people. He's like a middle-aged man with the Bieber cat, which is very funny. Very few people are sitting around like, hmm, Jake Tapper. Oh, no. Why I meant less like, okay, so I think that what I was saying is the moderators are more exciting normally on the conservative side, like more wild and rowdy.

Yeah. And then, but the artwork of saying, like, I'd be like liberal artwork that's political will be like, uh, what's her? name. Ruth Bader Ginsburg with like a tear going down as like Trump is stamping on abortion.

It's never like. It's never hilarious. It's all yeah, it's always sad. And then the conservative ones are like hilarious slash evil. They're having way more fun, dude,

look up like conservative like jerseys. You'll see like a jersey with like Jesus on like a taradactyl. That's awesome. Doing something cool. Yeah. Even though the dinosaurs aren't real. But yeah.

Anyways, I was getting fired. We went on through. I don't know where we started there. But yeah. I was getting fired. And it was so funny because I get into my office, I signed the PIP. And I think the thing with PIP is, I've heard they'll either get for sales jobs,

that they want to fire you, they'll give you extreme goals that you can't reach. You have to sell 400 Ferraris a month. And you're like, we sell solar panels. Yeah, yeah. Zero. Or like, they're like, you have to sell this company. It's going under, sell it now. If you don't sell it, you're fired because we're all fired if you don't get this company.

They actually gave that to someone at Twitter. And now, look what's happening. You have to sell this company. He's like, I know just the idiot to buy this. Wait, so is Elon us buying Twitter? He is. Oh, okay. You don't like Elon?

No. What don't you like about him as like, I think he's interesting. I think he is objectively very smart and like very good at a lot of things he does. But he really overestimates himself and over promises. And also he's just a fucking psychopath, dude. Like, he's crazy. Yeah, he is crazy. He's on like a single-handed mission to like repopulate the earth.

with as many women as he can. It's weird, dude. The family stuff does get weird. That's weird. See, I liked him, and then, like, I just heard him talk more, and then I'm like, yeah, I don't know. Also, I don't like when smart people try to do comedy.

But he's not funny. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I'm on Saturday Night Live. Yeah, that was fucking weird. It was awkward as shit. He's like, I'm the first autistic coin on Saturday Night Live. And then everybody's like, yeah,

then we're like, all right. Yeah, that's not helping your case. Like, I don't know. Like, some people are, like, yeah, that is like, cool. That's a representation. And then they're like, oh, wait, no, you're still like an evil dude. Yeah.

Well, how's he evil? What's the evil bind? I don't know. He's just a fucking... I haven't seen a single painting of him. Really? Doing anything crazy. That's your bar?

Yeah, that's how I decide. Who's corrected? Who's it correct? I don't know. If he... Yeah, he's just a weird guy. I like a lot of his ideas, but... I do agree with the...

He's always over... He's over promising. He's always like, we're going to go here, here, and then it's like, right, all right. I mean, in 27. he's like, we're going to have the new Tesla roadster out in 2020. It's going to be all these amazing specs, all this great range, and here's the price. And it's almost three years past due.

Yeah, and he has it. Not even remotely in production. People put, like, to get a founder's edition of that car, which is like the first 1,000, was, you should put down a quarter of a million dollars up front. It's a deposit, and that's paid the car. If you just put that money into Tesla stock at that time and sold it, like at its high, last year, whenever it was, it would have been like,

I think like $5 million or something. So it's like, well, you could have waited six years for a car that's never coming or made millions of dollars. Yeah, and it's also like the thing with the buying the Twitter, like, I'm going to buy Twitter. And then he's like not buying Twitter. And he's like, now he's buying it again. I'm like, well, he's buying it again because he knew

that a judge was going to force him to. Yeah. Because he agreed to buy it. He signed all the papers, waived his right to do due diligence. And then Twitter was like, okay, who will just fucking take you to court, dude. And a judge was for sure going to make him buy it. Maybe for less money.

Yeah. But he's, at this point, he's wasted hundreds of millions of legal things. He also says all of these, like, exciting idea. And I'm like, do the thing. I don't know, I guess you have to advertise, but like, do like one thing at a time. Yeah, let me see the thing before you start.

Yeah, yeah. He is very knowledgeable. I don't like his full pretending. Look, whether you believe in UFOs or not, he acts like he's never heard of the discussion. Like, he's like, what? I didn't hear anything. about it. I'm like, wait, really?

Yeah, dude, he was on fucking Joe Roggett and he's like, so what do you think about, like, you know, the Navy saying that, you know, we don't know what these aerial phenomena. He goes, yeah, I haven't read the article. I don't know. And I'm like, what? Dude, bullshit. Yeah, yeah, I'm like, you could say, I don't think that they're aliens or I do think they're aliens or I don't know.

Maybe they're just his machines. Yeah, yeah, he's like, yep, never seen that. Nope, I don't know what that is. No idea what that is, dude. Where'd you find that video? Yep, no, this is, all right, I got to go. I think the dumbest idea he's had that's gotten too popular are the tunnels. Like just the boring company tunnels.

What do you mean? That goes from... See, that stuff, I like that stuff. I like the Hyperloop idea of like... What's the Hyperloop? Hyperloop is an idea that's like pretty out there. I don't know how achievable it is. But it's like, think about it like a subway car or like a high speed train underground in a vacuum tube.

So there's no air resistance. And so you can move like a car of people, like a train car of people, like a thing. like a thousand miles an hour. Yeah, what's your issue with this? It's just not going to work. And not for a very long time. My issue is with the other idea, which is just build tunnels to solve traffic.

Because he's like, you guys got to stop adding lanes to your highway. That's not a good way to solve traffic. But all a tunnel is is another lane, but only for like electric vehicles, which like eventually most cars will be. Yeah, yeah. So all it is is another lane.

And he's, I don't know, just all these proposals of the tunnels. Wait, so I do like, though, how you think that you know more about the hyper vacuum Well, no, just off the years of prototyping, like, it's pretty far off, and it's going to be very expensive. Okay, you're not like looking at his numbers and you're like, this isn't, physics won't allow this. You're saying... No, no, no, it could work, definitely.

You're saying he's just failed enough times at trying to do it. Yeah. Okay, that makes sense. And, I mean, he hasn't even really tried. It's like other companies trying. Right. But the tunnels are him, and the tunnels are dumb. because especially like in California that's where he's mostly doing them he's like we just need tunnels instead of more lanes

and so California really put off building high speed rail in favor of like well let's hear Elon out maybe there's going to be tunnels but just fucking make trains dude trains are way better. Trades are sick they need more we need bullet trains here. Yeah we need high speed trains and we need autobons if we're keeping

cars fucking no speed limits dude. Didn't hitler in about the hotobon auto bond yeah what is it it's just a highway network with no speed limit they still have been Germany. Okay, so why, I don't think you could do that here. Everybody would just be flying. They already are.

Yeah, yeah. I just think out like in the Midwest where there's like no one for hundreds of miles and the speed limits like 60. You're like fucking just let us do. The occasional mountain boy will get murdered. But yeah. Yeah.

I was driving in like South Dakota a few years ago and speed limits like 65. There's no one around. I didn't see anyone in like 15 minutes. Yeah. I hit 120. The hard part though is. Some of those roads are really shitty.

Like, you'd have to really make sure the roads are good because, like, a lot of accidents happen where it's like you're flying because you're like, there's no people. But then they just haven't done road work in like 20 years and then you die. Yeah. But, yeah, what was I saying? I got fire. I'm going to cover that and we'll get back to the other stuff.

So it was funny because I'm going into the office and I already signed the PIP. They did the opposite. Instead of giving me unreasonable goals, they gave me vague goals. They're like, just speed up your work. Just be better. Yeah, just be faster. And I was like, okay. well, that's, I could be

I'll be faster once I know how to do my job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so there was no fucking, like, what's it called? It wasn't like I was like, oh, I could speed up and it was like, they were like, no matter what they could say you're not fast enough. It's like the teacher and fucking,

what's it called, you've watched that drum movie? Whiplash? Yeah. Yeah, it's like that. He could be off tempo, off tempo. Like, you just say that the whole time. So I get it, I remember I open my laptop and I was like, I hate this job so much.

I was like, I pray. I opened up, I looked at my, emails, I was like, I can't finish this day. I was like, there's not a single part of me that can finish this day. I was like, I... This is why you get fired, dude. You just fucking hate

everything you do. It was show... And then I remember I got an email. My boss is like, hey, we're going to move our weekly one-on-one meeting to the conference room. And I was like some extra seats. Looks like we're going to have some other employees there. Looks like they're letting me go. And I get in there and there's this bitch from HR who I know her face.

I don't remember what the interactions are. Do you ever just see somebody like, I know I've had bad interactions? I don't know what they were, but you're like, I negative. And I remember her just kind of being like a how one of those. And I was like, ah. And I'm sitting there, she goes, hi. And I'm like, okay. And then I'm just sitting on my laptop waiting for other bosses to come in.

So it's awkward as shit because it's just five minutes. Yeah. One of my buddies says, like, you should have been like, because you knew what was happening, just milked him. And like, I'm so happy to have this job right now. Like my girlfriend's pregnant and we're really starting a new life together just to watch them fucking. We just bought a house. Yeah, yeah.

We have four dogs. I'm taking care of both of my parents. I'm taking care of your parents. Do you ever feel like everything's just going right, you know? She's like, how you doing? You're like, dude, everything's just working out for me. I mean, how are you? Because I'm, I couldn't be better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just be like, they're like, you're fired. Be like, that's a weird way to pronounce promoted, but okay. But then my boss came in and they were so intense. like, yeah, so you didn't reach our goals that we wanted. Take all your passwords, write them down on here. We're going to follow you to your desk, and you're going to be escorted for the building. It was like, the motion, dude.

Because, like, to them, they're like, dude, this job is everything to this kid. And to me, I'm like, yeah, this is like my date. This is nothing. You're like, I don't care at all. Yeah, yeah. I'm happy. You're firing me right now because I hate this fucking job. That's so dumb that they walked you out of the building.

It's like, just, oh, yeah. What are you taking? Nothing. somebody because I'm walking the desk and then at some point a security guard just comes like he was not walking with us but he just like cuts you off or like comes in the group of us like we're walking in unison

and then like more people are joining that's so funny and then um I just clear on my day and this literally this all happened and I checked my watch it was like eight minutes I'm out of the building in the rain it was like a rainy day I was like that was so fast that I just don't work there anymore did you have one of those like boxes

no no fill all your crap with yeah just take shit off other people's desks put in there. Just family pictures. No, but my other friend was like, what you should say is find out your boss's wife's name and as you're leading to be like, hey, tell Rita, I said hello.

I just walked out because there's no consequences to it, but they would just, that would just fuck with him forever. It's annoying. I have all the times I've gotten fired. I've never done something funny. And next time, I promise the listeners of morning good pie,

I will do something fun. Send me, let me know what's hilarious. Both of you will be happy to know. Both the listeners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm like Kanye. I got one audience. Audience of one.

It's God. That's the only person I'm performing for. That's all I care about. Yeah, and the Tucker Carlson idiot. Which is so funny, because Tucker Carlson is just like, we're here with Yee. It's just funny.

Or yay. It's funny to hear him talk. That way he's like. Because that's his legal name now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is funny to hear him like, with hip hop rapper, rap star from colored people in Paris.

I can't say it. Although I would like to. He just set a different bad. thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I had a girl when I was in, maybe like fifth grade or sixth grade or something who thought the politically correct term

was colored people. Yeah, yeah. And like, it took like four different teachers to be like, nope, that's not it. I like the standing her ground on it though. Dude, she really fucking stood up for it. She's like, no, you are wrong. My mom told me.

It's colored people, yeah. They're all like, no, that's, no, please don't do that. Yeah. What is funny, Because, like, when I was a kid, it was, like, African-American, like, people were, like, start saying African-American instead of black, which now is completely changed because it's, like, we're, like, we realize how weird that is now. African-American never made any sense to me.

No, it doesn't make sense to anybody. Because so many, and I know, like, Mark Norman has, like, a joke like this, but so many people that they would, people would refer to as African-American, weren't American. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just someone would come from, like, I don't know, like, Idriselba. It's like, let's not, he's not American. He's British. Or, like, Trevor Noah.

He's, no, he's chess. African. Like he's just like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why they need to... Also, I don't think Indian and Asian should be the same thing because, like, they're completely different. Because technically, you know, Indian people, most of them are Caucasian technically.

Which is crazy. Because they're from the Caucasus mountains, so technically Indian people are Caucasian. Yeah, but they live in Asia. Yeah, the continent is Asia. Right, but I'm saying Russian people also live in Asia. So it's like, what the fuck are we doing here? I mean, you go pretty far... You go east enough into Russia. People start

looking more... stereotypically. I agree. I agree. But what I'm saying is like, it's like this is, we, we need to sit down and fix all of this because it is so it is so, I know we have other problems. I redraw these maps real quick. We need a, a ninth

continent that's just whatever's over here. Well, it's also just going to get more confusing when you do it by country and region like that because like, it should be like white, black, um, and then like I get that like whatever, I don't know, because it's everybody just becomes so, it's

confusing because you're like a black guy as you're saying he lives in Canada he's not African American but he's black he's just Canadian he's yeah and then there's like I'm sure there's Chinese people that live in Africa and they're like is he African no there are a lot actually no a lot of Chinese people yeah they're doing a lot of interesting things the Chinese they're really they're lending a lot of money to poor nations to like build

infrastructure and then just bringing over their own workers to do it I fucking knew this was going to be intellectual sound. This is what my viewers need. They need to learn. They're bringing over their own, like, people to do it, which, like, isn't, I mean, probably awful conditions, right?

Right. So they're not, like, hiring local people. This is how different we aren't thinking. I go, you go, they're bringing over their own people. I'm like, Chinese great workers. You were like horrible conditions. I didn't say they weren't good at what they're doing. Immediately my thought, these people are going to nail it.

I mean, they might. I don't know, but they're, I don't imagine they're treated very well. Probably horribly. Yeah. But better than they treat the locals. Yeah. I mean, Chinese people are some of the most racist people I've ever met. Like people who, like, grew up in China. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's also a thing you should be able to say is like that you should be like a country thing where like,

because you're not saying people like from, you're saying that this country specifically has this attitude. Which like, there was a McDonald's in China not recent, not too long ago that had a sign on it that said no blacks. Dang. A fucking McDonald's, dude. Yeah. I don't think I've been to a single McDonald's that there haven't been black people I mean at least like working

you know what is this yeah so yeah they're bringing over so like building infrastructure a lot of like developing nations which like is overall probably good but a lot of what they're doing is if the countries can't repay their debt then China gets their land

so China in ways are like sort of taking parcels of land around of the world. So they're colonizing Africa. Yeah. Damn, it just never ends. Yeah.

No, it's all pretty, pretty kooky. Cyclical, is that the word? Pretty, pretty nutty. It's cyclical. There we go. There we go. Michael's using a big word, you guys. Yeah, I never know what's going on.

And then I try to do research on, like, the Uyghurs and try to figure out what's going on with that. Because it seems crazy, but I don't know enough about it. It's like a real genocide happening. Yeah, but it's a, because I heard genocide is very confused, but it's like a sterilization genet. So it's like that side of like... I don't like they're killing people necessarily

that are alive. They're putting in work camps though. Yeah. Neither. None of it's good. No, no, no. I like that I keep trying to split hairs here. I'm like, well, technically it's not the Holocaust.

Let's hear them out. Yeah, there's a lot fucking happening. There's all that in China. I will say this, that is the hard part about the whole thing where people are like, don't compare anything to the Holocaust. I'm like, well, when people start doing something similar to the Holocaust, we should be like, hey, guys,

hey, this might be also pretty bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that, you know, when they tell you, you know, you can't wear, you know, a fun tie on Thursday. That's not the holiday. Maybe don't compare the lack of casual Fridays in the office to the Holocaust. But, like, you know, you should be able to be like, hey, guys, this is similar things to what they were doing then. Yeah. So there's all that happening in China.

There's somewhat of a revolution happening in Iran. That's pretty wild to see. Have you seen pictures of Iran before Sharia law? Yeah. It's crazy. It looks exactly like America in the same. 70s. Like you would guess it's like I'm a show of people the other day. They're like, what the fuck?

Because we learned about that in high school and you're like, oh, yeah, yeah. It's a completely different country, like, entirely. I knew I went to school with a few Iranian kids and, like, whose families, one of them whose family had to, like, flee Iran during the revolution because they were on the bad side of the revolution. Or like the side that was kicked out. So they just fled and they had a lot of money. Wait, how did that work? How did that work with the,

so the people that left Iran or Iran were... They were like... A lot of them were like forced out. Okay. And so they fled for their own safety. They were like, oh, well, we're part of this like corrupt regime.

Right. We've made a shitload of money. People are going to come try to kill us. Time to dip. Let's get out of here. Open a rock store USA. No, they just... Yeah, they lived in London.

I don't know. New a few people like that. Just really rich families that had to flee. Yeah, I was forget you grew up in London. When did you move to London? 2008. Okay. So the year of the dark night came out and Obama became elected president.

Yeah, we got out as soon as I had. Yeah, I don't know, Graham, the timeline's not looking great. You left America when Obama got like that. I came back as soon as Trump got back. No, that is funny that it worked out like that. Because I think we left in 2008, so I don't think he was even elected yet. I don't think he definitely wasn't in office because that was 2009. I don't think he was elected yet.

Okay, but it was the 2008 election, right? Yeah, we left during that year. Okay, right, because you knew what was coming. you're like, we got to get out of here. Yeah, I mean, I was a small. The writing was on the wall. I was a kid. I had no idea what was going on.

But my mom, we got to get out of here. No, yeah. So all that happening in China, then Iran, and then I think more importantly, the biggest thing was today. Today's the last day of Fat Bear Week. What? You know, it's really the, I think, the topic that most people are concerned about. Yeah, yeah. Are you familiar with Fat Bear Week?

No. Dude. It is a phenomenon. This year, more than any, so far, it's, gotten a ton of national press coverage. I can't take credit for knowing about it for long. I only found out of it last year. It's on a website.

It's like an organization that... I'm guessing it's about the gay bears. No, no, no, no. Actual bears in Alaska. And you get to vote on which bear got the fattest. Huh. Because they take like a before picture of like during summer. And then a picture like now as they're about to go into hibernator.

nation and you're like which one's the fattest and that's fat bear week and today is the finale so by the time this comes out the winner will have been decided right see I'm not I'm not about this body positivity stuff we shouldn't be promoting these bears getting fat

no dude fat bears are great look at so these are the two bears in the finals today it's 747 and 9-0-1 this one looks darker did you also get a tan that does not look like the same bear soaking wet both of them look way darker in the second picture but okay

Is that your problem with it? I'm not mad about them getting dark. I'm just wondering if it's the same bear. Like if there's before and after picture of me and I look like I was a different race, then maybe you'd say this is rigged. Yeah, but you're not covered in fur that's now wet. Yeah, I guess that could change things.

I also, how about we have the hottest bear competition? And we should be doing... That is about the gay bears. Yeah, okay. Why don't we give these bears liposuction, give them some implants? Dude, the fat bears are great. Get some juicy tits on these bears. I'll get a jar of honey. I'll judge it.

Yeah, interesting. You got to vote. I mean... Wouldn't it just be weight-wise? Why is it just a picture? Can't they tell us how much they gained? Not really. They're not...

They're wild bears. Leave a scale in the wild and like put a ham on it and be like, just come, step on the scale. No, they can't. I can't measure these fucking mares, dude. Were you, um, okay, so you moved to London. What was the, what were the big culture shocks? Uh, cheese.

Cheese was the first thing I remember being surprised by. I was eight when we moved. I was like, I was a kid. So you're surprised, did you more cheese there or less cheese? Different cheese. So I had never had, like, white British cheddar cheese. It's good. It's fucking good, dude.

It's really good. Especially when I was like a fat kid. I was like, this is the best. I was just going to eat cheese all day. And I sure did for like the first week we were there. Um, we also moved at the time where we, we moved right as the, um, economic collapse hit. So was that as bad? Was that a world economic thing?

It was just U.S. It was, but really bad in the U.S. Okay. So it wasn't as badly hit in the U.K. And so at the time, my mom was working and she started getting paid in pounds in the British currency. And at the time, it was two to one. So we'd come back to the U.S. to, like, see family. and we had double the money than we would before.

I mean, like, one pound was $2. So we'd, like, she'd be like, all right. You know, we would, like, get allowance or like work, you know, do little things for cash. Come back with, like, 50 pounds. We'd be like, holy shit, dude. I have so much money as a little kid. This is great. Dude, that's how I feel when I visit and go to bars in Florida.

Like, I'm like, holy shit. I'm fucking loaded. Like, I'll go out. I'll be like, oh, my God, I drank so much. And then I'll be like, wait, I spent $50. I'm like, that's fucking nothing. Awesome, dude. Yeah, because it's like, dude, it's at least $10 a drink everywhere here.

Everywhere. Yeah. That's why, like, I do sometimes I'm like, ah, I spend too much money on weed. But then I think about it, I'm like, oh, if I was drinking, this would cost 10 times more. Like, yeah, yeah. I also, I buy too many different types of weed. I talk too many weed people. They convince me I like them.

I'm a schmuck. I'm one of those guys that they're like, dude, my weed's the best. And I'm like, yeah, sure, I'll pick up some of it. No, I just have all these, like, random joints and different bags of weed from different places. That's what I do, too. People, if someone's nice to me at like a weed store, I'm like, okay. Yeah, it's like, oh, it's $10. I'll buy whatever you tell me.

Yeah, it is interesting the way it's going in New York, though, because it's not going the way I thought it would go. Because I didn't think they just immediately have recreational places. But like, a lot of places what they'll do is like, they'll have recreational. Like, the way it is now is every smoke shop just sells weed now. They all just sell wheat. And a lot of them sell mushrooms, pretty openly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is wild to me because those still are illegal. I forgot they were. I knew somebody that got in trouble for mushrooms. And then, not like legal trouble, but like somebody was like, somebody got trouble with their parents and mushrooms. And I was just like, it was my 14 year old cousin. Yeah. And he was like, hey, they're like kind of legal.

And they're like, no, that's not the problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I was like, why, why did your parents even care about mushrooms? It's like, you can't even get in trouble for anymore. I'm like, we know, it's totally legal. I think it's illegal in like one state now, right? Colorado. Yeah.

I took some at the botanical gardens recently and up in the Bronx. Oh, nice. But we took them, I was with my girlfriend. We took them. That's got to be great at the potato on the garage. Not good leaving, though. No, because by the time... You gotta go to the bar.

How long did you go stay there? We were there for like four or five hours. Okay, yeah, yeah, that's fine. At least. Yeah. So by the time we left, I was kind of coming down. She was still feeling good, but I was pretty over it. But we took them on the subway going up,

and there's just no, like, subtle way to eat mushrooms on the train. It's just all these people, like, going to work or going home or something. And we're just, like, they taste all. awful. So we're just eating, we're like having a Ziploc bag, just eating them on the D train to the Bronx, and we're just like like, ew, they're so nasty. It's like drinking water. People are like, the

fuck are these kids doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it looks, yeah, because it's not like a pill, I mean, I've taken it in pill form, but for the most part, it's like, it looks disgusting. Yeah, you're just like, yeah, you look very upset about what you're eating. Yeah, yeah. But dude, at the botanical gardens,

it's fucking awesome. Yeah. Except you, are you a, like, when you do shrooms, because I don't even get visuals, which is crazy. to me because every time I've done streams I've always have visuals like I always see like I'm not like a flying dragon but like I always see patterns colors change all stuff the first time I did them I didn't I just didn't do a lot because I was nervous so I just I didn't really see much um the second time I did them I did a whole lot yeah uh and saw it like fully saw things that were not there oh shit okay like which was fucking awesome like uh I saw like words

It's like a lot of like shapes and patterns. So you see words floating across. I would just see words floating across. It was my birthday. And so I just, it is a happy birthday. I fucking brought. Yes, dude.

It just said happy birthday. Wait, one of those. You just have a banner. I picture me as a banner. I'm like, this is not real. This is fucking kooky.

Look at all these colorful balls. Like, those are balloons. Dude, yeah, we were like really tripping. We were like, I put on like a music video

that I had seen before. And it was Beyonce. And I had seen it. I'm like, and the colors were like fully inverted. You were like, put your phone. like an invert color mode.

It was totally that. Where I'm like, Beyonce's not white. This is crazy. And then at one point, I tried to order food. So I like looking at Uber Eats. And I swear to God,

the food just jumped off the phone and like ran away. And so like I was like looking at the phone. I'm like, there's nothing to order because it's just left. See, I've had it where the phone looks like

it's made out of water. Like, like, oh, that's cool. Like it's like, yeah, just like the, you're playing with the letters. And like when you swipe, it just kind of like. Yeah.

That's fun. Yeah. But at the botanical gardens, didn't do so much to, like, really trip. But things looked really fun. Like, trees were moving really nice and, like, watching leaves move where it was beautiful.

Yeah. But we did see a snake. Oh, yeah. And the trouble with seeing a snake when you're on trumes is that almost everything after that looks like snakes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, that's shrub, that's snakes, right?

Yeah. It's just a pound of snakes. Yeah. Yeah, I am. Yeah, I, I, I'm so scared to do them as adult. Like, I don't know. I did him so much when I was, like, a teenager.

Yeah, I fucking heard on one of your things. You did them when you were, like, 13 or 14? Yeah, I was 14, yeah. That's crazy, dude. I was wild. I mean, I learned a ton, like, about, like, myself. And, uh, I didn't even, like, drink till I was allowed to. You know what I mean?

Like, I, yeah, yeah. I drank a little when I was, I started when I was, like, 14, but, like, really not often. And then it's 18 to drink in the UK. So that's really when I started? It's interesting that, do you think the culture, because it's 18 people wait more? No. No, it's... No, people... The UK in general has such a drinking problem.

Yeah, but because it's 18, they start earlier. It's so funny, this might be me being an alcoholic, but when I hear people have a drinking, it comforts me. I don't know why when they're like, like, COVID, everybody's like, it's COVID. Everybody has a drinking problem now. I'm like, oh, good,

de-stigmatized it. Good thing. There's a gentleness that flows over me when I hear about a whole country. Yeah, I don't think there's going to be like, hey, you don't, addiction. shame him, you know? Like, no, dude, you're killing yourself. Right. But, yeah, I like that it's 21 here.

I think the rule on, like, paper and on principle is very dumb. I think it makes no sense. But when it's 18, you have 15-year-olds in the bars. And when it's 21, you might have, like, a 19-year-old in the bar. And, like, that's less annoying than a 15-year-old. Right. That's a good point. That, we are going to bars at, like, 14 and 15.

I can't imagine anyone liked that. No, no, no. I mean, there's bars like, we would go to bars in high school when we were like 16 or 17 that were like college bars and I'm like, now I would never go to that place just because there's kids there. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, that makes a lot of sense if it's 18

because I went to Spain when I was, I think, 14. I went to bars there because you're engaged 18, it's like, oh, it's so eat. But I'm like, that's got also be creepy too because like you just meet a girl there and then you find out she's a child. Yeah. Yeah.

First time I did a shot of tequila, I was in Paris on a school trip. and they were like, all right, just like come back in an hour or whatever. Like, you guys go roam around. And some friends and I went to a bar. You come back with like a 45-year-old woman smoking a cigarette. This is Cherise. She's coming with us back to the hostel.

No, like we went to a bar. We sent in our friend who looked the oldest. And he's like, can I have four tequila? It was just one kid. He went in. He's like, can I have four shots of tequila? And the bartender was like, how old are you? And he's like, this is 18?

And they're like, he's like, now you're not. Here you go. And just. And so he took one and then came outside, got us. We came in. And the bartender was like, okay. And we all did. We did the rest of them.

Yeah, because they just don't care. Yeah, it is interesting. Because it's like, you could in theory have a drinking age as 18, but have it like strictly enforced. But any place that has an 18 does not have it strictly enforced. It's also just because it's like in a lot of places, I don't know if it's the whole U.S. but in a lot of places here, it's that bartender that is personally liable

if they serve someone underage. And most of Europe, it's just, it's like, that person doesn't really get in trouble. It's like, the bar. Yeah, the way it should always work is the fucking security or like... Yeah, but also, I don't know, it's tough because, like,

it's like most people to do security, like, they're not the best ID checkers in the world. Dude, there was a bouncer at the pair who has left since, but who, like, you could show him a life, library card and he would be like it's plastic come on in like he literally he did not care at all and it was fucking awesome yeah yeah because the liability was on him if anything happened so the bar was like whatever i don't really think they knew about it but it was great for the shows well i know also

what a lot of places do like there they'll have they'll hire a security team so that security team now gets in trouble yeah they take liability right which is kind of cool because it's a really smart way to do it yeah because like some bartender could just be like yeah okay here you know what I mean, it's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a faster way to do it for sure. Because if a bartender checking everyone's ID sucks. Yeah, that's literally insane. You got to have a door guy check it.

I mean, depending on how busy the bar is, obviously, but yeah. For my show, it sucks because it's 6 o'clock. There's not a security guy there. It's just the bartender. So it takes so long for people to get their drinks and stuff. And like, he does really check everyone's ID. I'm like, can you just not? Can you just let these.

It's fucking 6 o'clock. Let these kids come in. Who cares? school's out and let them have fun I uh wait so what was what were like other big so you go to the UK right

you're the only uncircumcised or circumcised guy in all of the country yeah only one they told me that as soon as I got there yeah and my brother was like I don't know if that's true I don't think you're the only one

and I was like shut up I'm the only one I have heard I was talking to somebody who was foreign and they were telling me I was like okay so in America like if you're uncircumcised that's like frowned upon but most people

outside of America are uncircumcised. But then I was like, what if an American guy goes to those country isn't gross? And they go, no, we just don't care about penis skin whether it's on or off. Yeah, they don't give a shit. Yeah, yeah. There was no... A friend of mine who... I was very attracted to it, a big crush on this guy.

And we were like, probably like 15 or 16 or something. And both of us, it should clarify. Yeah. We were both underage. You were not. Yeah. Let's all calm down. And he was like, God, what is that like? he's like, what does that even look like?

He just couldn't wrap his head around it. And I just so much was like, well, we could just find out. You know, like, we don't, why don't we just look? Yeah, yeah. Later, I think he did come out as queer, but at the time he was, and I was like, oh, okay, well, I guess I won't suck your day. It is so funny. I don't know why.

I got so cut up with you saying he couldn't wrap his head around it, but his skin was wrapped around the head. I couldn't stop thinking about like, like the wrap, the head wrap of grow, yeah. He just couldn't. I mean, it wasn't the bright. rightest boy and I'm like dude just like pull your foot that's what it looks like just pull it down that's what it looks like yeah yeah yeah it's not that hard to comprehend but also let me kiss you you know what was what was your first like gay experience and also is the UK more cool with that

or are they less cool with that uh I mean it's the same as here's like it just depends on the area yeah so is there like in South UK with your like more like less yeah the North that's so much it is yeah we don't play that guy shit in the north of UK it's just so funny to be that like the north is the south it's great okay um uh it was 16 he was also 16 which it should be noted is the legal age of consent in the UK damn you guys are some real grownups there you're like waited to we're yeah i mean it just happened to work out that way uh i think 16 is too young for the age that's fucking weird yeah well i like the the romeo and juliet law is reasonable it's the one where it's like if they're two years sure i like you're 16 and they're 18 that's fine

But if you're 16 and they're 19, you're really pushing the, this is predatory. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But 16, 18's cool. 17, 19's cool. Yeah. You know what's really cool? 15 and 9.

Yeah. Do you ever watch Will Ferrell's Mark Twain Prize speech? No. Oh, great bit about that in there. Yeah. Watch it. He's just like, he's like,

I need to thank my wife. But first I should thank my first and second wives. It's like, what can I say? We were just too young. I mean, literally, we were 13. He goes, hell, you were 13. I was nine.

I don't know. Great bit. But yeah, we were 16, and it was just a guy that, like, we'd, like, been flirting before plenty, and there's one day... Because you, how old are you? 22.

Because, like, I can't imagine in my homophobic middle school or high school trying to bang a dude. Like, that must have been so... Yeah, it was a pretty, chill school. Like there were... Like, there was, I think, the only

open, like, gay kid at my high school. And there's, that's not possible because it's like, there's, like, there's 900 kids in my grade. They're like, everybody's like, people weren't like, fuck that guy, he's gay, but everybody's like, oh, that's the gay guy. Yeah. And then straight guys, they make fun of him to be like, what are you gay about anything

they did, they were slightly gay, but they'd be like, no, but he's gay, though, it's, like, it was, that's not what we mean. He's actually gay, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened was, it was weird as, like, one of my best friends accidentally sent me his dick pick that he meant to send to a girl. And you're like, there it is. I was, no, I was like, eh, like, he's like my best friend.

I'm not attracted to him. I have no, I'm like, whatever, this is funny. And so I tell this guy about it. And he was like, I want to note that. I think it's very funny because a lot of straight dudes think that they're friends with the gay guy. He's going to want to fuck them. It's like, dude, as soon as I become friends with someone, my attraction is gone.

Yeah, it's like, I actually was the same way where it's like, dude, there are some girls, comics, I'm so unattracted to, because I'm like, yeah, this is, ew. Some of my best friends back home and now are women that I'm like, ew, fucking no, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, that's disgusting. Like, beautiful women, but I'm like, you're like a sister.

Like, why would I do? You're my best friend. Like, why would I do that? And I should be the same thing with dudes where it's like, yeah. Like, I don't want to fuck you, Michael. But, like, because you're, you're fat. I don't have a job. Yeah. It's, yeah, it's your unemployed. I only fuck well-made man, dude. Working bad, yeah. Yeah, go get a job on the

railroad and I'll fuck you. So, like, I told this guy about it and he's like, oh, that's funny. You should come over. Yeah, that's hilarious. Yeah, that's funny. How could you, uh, yeah, yeah. That's pretty funny.

Why don't you? Like, oh, 69 or something. Now, what was, so, like, was he, did you have any indication before that that he was gay or not? Yeah. I like that I'm on Adderall, so I'm investigating this. I'm like, so did you know? No, yeah.

He was openly gay for years. I knew him as, you know, he was, I knew him as gay. He was gay. He was gay. very gay yeah nobody's done the reversal actually I do know one girl that was straight

bisexual lesbian bisexual so like she was like yeah I'm straight and then she's like I'm bisexual and then she's like I'm lesbian

and she's like now bisexual because I think once you cross I don't know it seems it seems like once you cross bisexuality you get to that point it seems like you're like

it would be weird to stop liking one because I think you probably know right a lot of yeah that's why a lot of people don't really believe it especially for women

or especially for guys really too of like, you know, you're not by, you're just gay, you just don't want to say it. Yeah, yeah, you're like, no, I think I would know I'm trying to women. Yeah, I would, I'm pretty aware that I like women. Yeah, yeah, you're dating one. What? Really? Yeah.

Well, they don't know that. That's great. Yeah. Holy shit. Good for me. Yeah, so I just, I went over to his place and we hooked up and, and, uh, tell me more, tell me more. I like how big was he's, no. Oh, dude, fucking big.

really. Yeah. Yeah. Really big. Really intimidating. And uncut. So I was like, all right. That's, that's... Yeah, that's the funny part. It's a straight dude. So, like, as a straight dude, you're, there's no part of the virginity that, like, like, the only year... You're never compared in the immediate to another dick when you're, like, losing your... Yeah, you're just... And you're also never like, I don't know if I can handle this. Like, as a woman, when you're taking a dick, or as a dude, when you're sucking a dick, like, you have to lie back, this is it probably, right? But as a guy, I've never...

looked at the vagina been like, I don't know dude, that seems. Yeah. I don't know if I'm ready for this. Yeah. Yeah. Big dick. And then what was funny is that like... But I'm saying, did you, when did you know you're bisexual? Here's a thing. You know, like, people often have

like celebrities that they're like, oh, I knew I liked men when I looked at whatever or whoever. For me, honestly, and it sounds lame as shit or like weird, is when GTA online came out. This is awesome. I would like, you know, Obviously, I was like...

You made the character of the SpaceX. 14 or 15. You know, you'd go to the strip club. You'd see, like, fake boobs. And you're like, alright, that's fun. But for me, like, I, like, made... You went to the Hunks Lounge. And then you were just...

I, like, made my, like, online character. And he's, like, fucking jacked. And, like, he took his shirt off. And I was like, oh. Yeah. And that was, like, the first moment. I was like, oh, I like that. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And then a few months later, after I hooked up with this guy, like, we were chatting again. And he's like, I was like, oh, you should be. you should come over. And ultimately it never happened, but he did ask me a weird question that,

like, I was doing it as a bit for a little while. He was like, did your dick get any bigger? And I was like, what? No. I'm pretty sure this is kind of where it's going to max out in like 17 or 18.

And he was just like, nah. And his dick got bigger. Oh, damn. And I was like, are you okay? Like, this is like, you already had like such a big dick. And now it's more? Yeah, because I think it's, I mean, I would guess when you turn like 16 or 70, it just stops growing for the most of it.

Yeah. Yeah, we were at least 17 at this point. I was like, I don't know. That's healthy, dude. You should. Did he not like, like, do gay dudes like ghost dudes? I think that's part of it, right? Yeah, we didn't.

Yeah, we didn't chat a whole lot in between those months. Because, but I also would assume it's like, they have less dudes to fuck, though. No, he had a lot of dudes to fuck. Really? It's not like, because I always think I'm like, at least my high school, there's one gay dude. And everybody's like, all right, well, if there's another gay dude, I guess he'll, fuck that. I mean, low key, he was probably fucking all the... He was fucking everyone, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just on the, on the DL. But, like... There was a point in high school where, like, some of, like, the... We didn't have, like, jocks in the same way of, like, American high school movies do. Yeah, wait, what are they called chaps or something? Chaps is just means guys. Oh, okay, because I knew a chick that moved to... Lads.

The lads. That's, like, kind of, like, the... Kind of jocke-year... That's what she was saying. She's like, yeah, you got the chaps and the lads. And I was like, what are you talking about it? That's fun. And yeah, some of those guys would like,

they'd all hang out and like, I gotta believe a few of them were queer. But like a few, they would all hang out and like get naked because they thought it was funny. And we were like... Well, to be fair? Even at the point where they were like 17 and 18, 19, still doing it. See, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I still get naked because I think it's funny. It is funny. Yeah.

But like a couple, at least one of them was queer. I'm like, okay, you were also just having fun undercover. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like what they would do is they would send like Snapchat. to like random people of those of those like parties or like those like hangouts and they would like send them to me all the time being like ha ha isn't this funny and i'd be like yeah yeah hilarious it's so funny like i can yeah send me send me like a bunch more you know yeah but i also i think me getting naked it's more of a uh uh well it's because you're like disgusting to look at exactly it's fun it's not

sexual for anybody no it's like uh i think it's like it is a craving attention in a way but i i for me the, when you streak or the, the freedom you feel, and the silliness. Like, it always, it's very silly. Cheers, like, I've had friends fighting, and then I'll just get bun. I've had a couple of times, and I'm just like,

I'll get bun. Now, it's, it's never worked, by the way. I've done this twice. And then, there's just people beating the shit out of each other while my balls are out. So it doesn't always solve the problem. That's hilarious. In my mind, I'm like, if I could, I like diffusing situations with comedy. One time when I was

14. We were on like another, I was on a school trip again. It was like 14 to 15. And I was in the bathroom. I was like taking a shit. And I hear like all the other boys outside the bathroom door like planning something. Right. Like they're going to try to open the door or whatever. And so I'm like trying to like wrap it up as quick as I can like pull my pants up. Because I don't want to come in. I'm my pants are down. Yeah. Eventually they get the door open. I'm still on the toilet. I like stand up and I just clock one of them right in the face. I just fucking. I just fucking. hit him. And he was the only one that wasn't participating in the opening of the door. He was just some guy along for the... He was just like, hey, maybe we shouldn't do this. And I just just... Oh, God, all the other kids were like, why did you hit Trump?

I'm like, because he was standing right there. He was the only one. All the kids who actually opened the door like knew enough to move out of the way, he just stood there like an idiot. And I just fucking hit him. Oh, that's hilarious. The worst one, I do have to wrap them to do. one of my favorite funniest moments is I was,

one time I was taking a dump on the toilet and I had my headphones in. It's good that you're on the toilet this time. Yeah, yeah, instead of... Dude, there were, like, two times where a kid in my year took a shit on the floor. Like, in the bathroom, just, like, shat on the floor. And we're like, are you,

are you, like, retarded? Or, like, or you just, like, think this is funny? Yeah. And it was a bit of both. Yeah, yeah, there's always that borderline where, like, is he? I don't know. But I remember I was in the bathroom,

I was taking a shit, headphones in. And this dude comes in also with his headphones in. I guess I didn't lock the stall door enough. It was like a really sure you stole door. I go, hey, the dude opens a stall door. It does not see me because he opens it with his back to me. So he's going like this. And he just he's like sit down on you? No, so it's a handicapped stall. So like the way he's going in, it's a very big stall. Yeah. So he doesn't see me because he is opening. I think it like opens like this and then the door opens here

and then he goes like this and locks himself in this doll and then I go yo and he starts freaking out and starts panicking it and he's having trouble unlocking it and I think it's hilarious I'm laughing

well like because I don't give it a shit I think it's hilarious that's so funny dude and then I had the class with him in the same class like he was so nervous about it as you go yo what's up dude and he's just like

oh good time that's fucking great yeah what do you want to promote come to my show if you to anyone does anyone live in New York

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no we got audience of one god great

yeah coming to my show every Friday at 6 at the grizzly pair it's called switch hitters

comedy it's a baseball thing and a gay thing depending on which one of those you like yeah

and which one of those you don't so we all know which ones I don't like gay baseball yep

when I say audience is what God's not coming to your show it's disgraceful

Look, it's the cheapest weekend show at the pair. Happy hours going on. Tickets are only $10. I'll be there. Come blow me or something. It'll be a good time. Come blow Graham. Appreciate it.

Thanks, buddy.