Morning Good - The Professionals - Episode 204

Episode Date: January 14, 2024

Humzah Azeem and Paddy Defino join the show for today's episode. They talk about Michael getting flustered on the last episode, anti-rape devices for prison inmates, and prime early-2000's Dane Cook. Thanks to Humzah and Paddy for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes of the show and click their links down below for more.Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube. Humzah is on Instagram as well @humzahazeemAs always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Oh, yeah. Welcome to morning here. All right, we're here. We got Humza Azim. What up? Patty Defino in the studio.

Naso Next 2. I just rip up my fucking nayso. nasal pen, whatever the fuck this is. 24-hour allergy. Okay, sweet. Yeah, I don't know if this actually gives you energy. No, it doesn't, dude. It just helps your allergies, bro.

Sometimes they got a little extra. I did hear Keith Jay say something very funny the other day. He was like, bro, you ever get that prednisone? I was like, yeah. He's like, dude, that shit jacks me up. He's like, it's like a steroid. What is he trying to grow? Yeah, yeah.

I was like, not the same kind of steroid. Yeah, I was like, no, no, that's not how it works. He goes, no, dude, it gives you like a heart. Pregnate. Yeah, pregnant zones. like, isn't it for like if you have something, like a something sinus that you need to repair? Yeah, yeah, but I'm like, he's like it's a steroid.

I'm like, yeah, but I don't think it gives you energy. Yeah, no, like he doesn't. He doesn't. He's like, ah, look at me. There are just different kinds of steroids. Like the ones that, like, athletes can have prednisone for infections and stuff like that. Yeah, but I know also there are some medications

that aren't stimulants that do have stimulant effects. Like there is a certain allergy. I know you use Sudafed to make crystal meth, I don't know if that means, suit if it gives you energy. Yeah. I like more that every small guy wants to be big, like because they secretly want to be tall.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, it's such a great little trick. I will say this, small guys that get jacked, I don't think they look much shorter. So people argue about this. I think they look decently tall. Because they're like, if I can't do it in height,

I'll do it in volume. Yeah, yeah. They just want the volume of a bigger man. It's all to get pussy. So it's like, yes, if you are, if you're shorter, if you're like my height and you're, And you're, I'm like 5-7 on like a good day.

Aw. Yeah. But if you're, what is it on a bad day? It's like 5-5 on a bad day. And I'm shrinking. I'm shrinking. Straight up.

Like, I went to the doctor in high school and they were like, you're still growing and you're 5-7. And I went back the other, like, last year or something. And they were like, yeah, you're like 5, 5 and 3 quarters. What?

I was like, that's an inch, bro. That's crazy. Did they make you take your heels off when you got mad from? I had my lifts in? because I wanted the official measurement to be. I wanted my BMI to be lower. That's a big difference. Dude, Eli Habo was fucking really hard.

He was doing that thing where he goes, you're not 5'10. I'm 5'10, but he's like 6 foot. And I was like, dude, it's, I keep getting God. Like, I don't know if he knows. JJ Lieberman was in the last podcast and he nagged me to the point

where I started bragging about how I get girls. It was the most immature thing. It was embarrassing. It was embarrassing, dude. Because for 20 minutes, he's like, you're fucking hideous. And he started comparing me to people. And that's where it started like,

if he was like, Alan Fitzgerald's hotter than you, then I'd think, okay, well, clearly he's just messing with me. If he said somebody else who was actually like barrel like, yeah, but he said somebody that wasn't, he said Matt Bowman, who I don't think is ugly, and I don't think he's an attractive guy. But he just, there was certain things that now I'm starting to like, if he said Matt Bowman's attracted or is here and I'm way below him, then I feel bad.

Not that Matt Bowman's ugly, but you know what I'm saying? It's like that in between. Maybe it's a tattoo. Well, where he's close enough for you to be like, Well, I would think I'm like... As attractive. Or as attractive. If he's like, you look like Matt Bowman, I'll beg, that's fine.

But he's like, Matt Bowman, up here, you way down. What if he said, Patty? That'd have been fine. What if he said me? This is what would have offended me. First off, I didn't care at all. And then he just got it under my... The first 20 minutes, I was like, okay, whatever, I'm ugly.

But there's just... He's such a professional nigger. Yeah. Whoa. All right. I was not trying to do that. That was not... No way, dude.

That's what the word is. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but nobody... Dude, no... He's a professional what? Say it again. Is that gonna be the name... Negger.

Is that going to be the name of your special? That should be a special professional necker. Dude, that was... It's not the same thing. I'm tired of... I'm tired of this. I don't like this game. You just accidentally did the South Park bit, dude.

Yeah, you did. You just Randy Marsh. People who annoy you and it's N-space G-G-E-R. No, no, no, no. I'm done with words, people. I'm done. Clip it. We're not doing this.

That's the clip, dude. That's the clip. This happened. No, no. I said Arnold Schwarzenegger on an episode and somebody's like, oh, I'm like, no, no, no, it's a different word. You call them a professional. You call him a professional negor on accident.

On accident. Michael just takes a, he takes a thing over there, whatever the, what is the magnet? The magnet. Yeah, just erase it. Well, it's a different. Okay, he's great at nagging. Yes. Okay, that just makes it better.

Yeah. But, um, I'm fucking, I hate this game. Because you guys are just fucking with me, but in my head I started to get nervous. And I'm like, oh, you are nervous. I landed the,

I'm just dropped the slur, bro. No, I did. On your own podcast. That's not. No, no, no. You're going to have to clip it and you're going to get canceled. Oh, now I, now you're,

a professional. You're a professional. He's more of a sand. I'm a sand nagger. It's, it's, it's, it's too, You said it. I know, but now I'm backing up. Now I'm backing up the second you put sand.

Well, now you're in trouble. Now I'm the only good soul here. Call me a sand nigger. Dude, I don't like it. It's really good. Call me one. No, I don't like it. But you said, you called JJ a professional nigger.

And you said that that's okay. Yes, but that sounds. Yeah, you said you're tired of it. So if you're so tired of it, no problem. I, let's just slow the podcast. Yeah. Two seconds ago.

He was like, oh my God, I'm so easy to get. And then two seconds, two seconds later, we're literally, he's literally deep breathing. He's like, I'm sweating. I'm like, Negg with an E. As opposed to what? You don't, we're not doing this. We're not doing this. You could have called him a professional tease.

And I think that would have been, but then you got to worry about the trans community. Exactly. True. Yeah, yeah. He's a professional B. Yes. But, uh, bisexual man. Yeah.

But it. Bees nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just said, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I, that wasn't, uh, if we were talking. He's all green right now, dude. Pull that back up. Yeah, Miami man.

Yeah, he's a green man. Um, but, uh, what was it? Yeah, it was so funny too because afterwards JJ was just like, he was so, I love it. Because he won. He's so, oh, he totally won. But he's so psychotic that it's so funny hearing him talk because we're in an old man hustle. And he goes, I'm necessary.

He's like, I may be evil, but I'm a necessary evil. And he pulls up the video from a few good men where Jack Nicholson's like, you can't handle the truth. He's like, this is so me right here. He's like, you guys would hate Patrice. You can never handle it. It's funny, the truth to J.J. Lieberman. He compared himself to Patrice?

No, I don't think. I don't think in that. But he's just saying that's an over, that's a. Okay. Sorry, I don't need to cut patio. The truth for J.J. Lieberman is like very distinctly describing the different textures of boys asshole. He's not like, I know what's going on in the Middle East. It's like, I know the truth.

Fucking whore. There's whores out there who suck my dick for a chicken bomb. It's like that might be the truth, but I think we can handle that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, yeah. Go back to calling me racist, the add momentum in it. It somehow turned into you being like, I'm not as ugly as Matt Bowman.

And then you drop the slur. It's somehow, it's somehow, that's, somehow the- You're not going to get me with this. I know what I said. It somehow went from I'm not that ugly to like being wildly racist. Yeah. Well, that's how I go.

If I, someone calls me ugly. Nobody talks about Arnold Schwarzenegger, Nager, maybe he. You didn't need to say the second part again. If you say Arnold Schwarzenegger, nobody thinks you're saying the N-word. I've been accused. The thing is, though, like, you're fine. You're fine with this.

But if we were geographically, in a different part of the United States, you're just saying the end. Yeah, yeah, because if I had a southern accent, that is the southern accent. Yeah, yeah, say Arnold's last name with a southern accent. He, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Why are you pausing? You paused after you said the Schwartz part. What about Arnold Schwarzenegger, but he negs? Yeah, I won't be back because you're ugly and I would never fuck you. What if Arnold Schwarzenegger was black?

What is another Arnold Schwarzenegger? Negger line. Get to the chopper. Get to the chopper. Wait, yeah. Get to the price chopper. I'll be back. There's a sale on Kool-Aid.

No, no, no, no. We're not doing. Oh. You're doing, no, no, no. I'm doing he necks. He insults men or women to get laid. Oh, okay. You just made it racist.

Get to the chopper. You're too fat to travel by train. I don't know what's happening anymore. Yeah. Just because he said Kool-Aid it was racist? Yeah, because that was black Arnold Schwarzen.

That's not what I was doing. Although I used to think he was black. Because he was so tan. Yeah, I just saw him as Mr. Freeze and he looks like a smooth black guy. He's got smoking cigars. He's wearing a sweet robe. Is that who Frozone is based off of, Mr. Freeze?

Maybe. I never thought about that. I hate that movie. Yeah, Frozone's such a nigger. Yo, that one is. He is. He's always badger and his wife for his suit. I think that is just a word Wait, what?

You can't use your wife. All right, well, now you guys are making it race. No, no, no, no. Because he doesn't. Neging doesn't work with your wife, does it? Yeah. You already, you neg your wife. Really?

And she pegs you. And she nags you. It's a neg and peg. Right. In a relationship, there's the man and the woman and the man is the nigger and the woman is the pegger. Yeah.

Negers and peggers. This is getting It's not too late to start over. No, no, no, no, we're leaving this. What if we say, what if we, maybe it's more appropriate if we call someone who nags, we just don't hard are it at the end. So you're like a...

Well, no, because the closer you make it to the endward, the worst. Yeah. It's pretty close. The problem is the I think what the problem is when we pause, when we go, he's a nager that doesn't look at, we're like, yeah, this guy was nagging me because he's a nigger. Yeah. And you move on. That one. That was so right.

It was close. I think I got my sideburn shut up. Straight up. We almost got to stop. We almost got to stop. By the way, I went as far up to look up the definition the other day because I was sweating so much about it. I was like, okay, this is a real word.

It is a real word, unfortunately. You know what else is a word that I won't say that means judicious or like, N-I-G-G-A-R-D-L-Y. Yes, it's not the N-word. Aziz dropped it in special, but he's like, it's a different word. He also has dropped the N-word. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he said the N-word in his stuff.

And what special? What year? Oh, I don't know if it was dangerously delicious or I'll send you the clip. It was hilarious. I mean, I'm not, there was like 2000 to 2015. By the way, can I get a single podcast episode in without talking about the N-word or? I don't know. Evidently it's you, dude, because it is me.

It is me. It took two minutes for you to drop it. That would, I'm not falling for this. We're not doing this game. I'm going to keep my, this is the cool. That's when I was sweaty Mike Michael cool Sweaty Mike

I'm not even nervous about anything I'm a cute guy who isn't If you're not nervous If you're not nervous Clip it Wait you're trying to be a cool guy Yeah we're doing cool guy Mike I don't know

That's a little too On the nose I think All this N word dog No that's not one of it You're trying to be black No no no no no No You're the one wearing the Indian guys

Do you think they're black now That is all right well I'm not Indian So Okay you're Pakistani Yeah I am What is it called? You actually, right when I was recording, I was like, oh, you're Pakistani?

I go, okay, cool, cool. I didn't pronounce it as well. I heard you say, yes, I am. I was like, you're Pakistani. And you go, yes, I am Pakistani. And I was like, oh, okay, I was incorrect pronouncing. And I just called you. No, no, I don't care about the pronunciation.

But I also don't think I'm black. I just have bad hat hair. And then you told me to take the hat off. No, no, no. I was worried about the, the. Oh, no, I know. I know. But, like, I'm just saying, like, it was.

He's not trying to be cool. Yeah, yeah. He's not nagging out right now. For what it's not. That is, that doesn't work because if you're using the word, it has to mean what the word means. Yeah, like he's better to, it's better to do what he did. He said nagging out. That's not even close to saying the N-word.

Yeah. Because there's not a version of the N-word that's like. It's just like, like, wild it out. No, I've heard people say N-I-G-G-I-N-G. I've never heard that. Hey, look, I'm in Florida. I have heard, I mean, I have heard every variation. general population. We're not talking about the creatures that crawl around in Florida saying

that N-word with an E instead of an I. Well, those are my friends and family you're talking about. All right. Respect. Yeah. Just keep my name off this episode. You got to clip it where he says the whole thing, too. He says he had a bad one too. You're saying it how you could get away with saying it. And there are other times where it sounds like you're actually saying it. I have a slight Southern accent. I think I have a slight Florida accent and that's why I have that softness to my voice. So then why are you even risking it? You're right.

I'm done. I'm done. We are, yeah, we should talk about. But I should have him saying that and then have a picture of Barack Obama. So it looks like that's who we're talking about. Oh yeah, you should do it so it looks like you were referring to an actual black person. Yes, yes. Like Michelle, yeah, Michelle.

Yeah, Michelle, don't even get me started, bro. Have you guys ever heard my Michelle impression? Oh, gosh. Yes, let's go. A, uh, Barack. That's it. That's incredible. That was it?

Yeah. Hey, Barack, do you come in here? Tell me if this dress makes me look fat. You're doing a Barack Obama. But they are the same person. Yeah, no. Isn't Barack, isn't Michelle Obama just a clone of Barack who's wearing a wig? Isn't that the whole conspiracy?

No, the whole conspiracy is a big mic. Oh, big Mike. Yeah. Who's Big Mike? Big Mike is one of Barack Obama's friends in college. that they're now drawn, there's a whole conspiracy, and it's not a real person, there's a whole conspiracy that Michelle Obama is.

It's Big Mike. Yeah. Big Michael Good. Yeah. Yeah. Are you Michelle Obama slash Barack? No. Is that why you feel like you can say the N-word?

I think I would, uh, I think I would, I know what I said. You think you're black? I know what I said. And what did you say? Listen, this is just the path of all Florida-born people. Yes. Eventually, it seeps in very slowly.

Mm-hmm. And eventually. The hard part is I was trying, I'm trying so hard to say it correctly. Like in the back of my head, I'm picturing, I know this isn't here, but just Martin Luther King's ghost, just all my black friends, just all standing behind the camera, just saying, you got this. I'm like, I'm going to pronounce it exactly how, and I'm going to nail it.

Do you think any of those, any of your black friends or the ghost of MLK would be happy that you said it the way that you did? I tried so hard. You said he's a professional, whatever, right? And then you think they would be happy that you said that? I did be like, oh, he said it right, so it's okay. I tried so hard. At the end, I bet it's saying.

I don't want to say. No. You should have stopped saying it a while ago. You shouldn't have said it two times. I stopped saying it. What's a year is it? About six years ago. Dude, did you ever say, you used to say the N-word?

Quoting people, yeah, yeah. You never used to just say it? Well, yeah, yeah, when I was in high school. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, then I got scolded and I was like, okay, I'll change it, put it E there and try to get away with it still. Skolded by who? That was, like, one thing. I never knew it was okay.

Like, I never thought it was okay. There was never a time that it pursed my lips. By the way, Ryan Thomas was supposed to be the guest in the podcast. That would have been. Was he really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what happened? Well, I just asked him like four weeks in a row, and he said no, so I guess he wasn't supposed to be on.

But maybe this. Did you tell him that I was on? No, no, you were in addition. I was like, I was like, I looked at the, I'm not, I'm never trying to be like, let me have a diverse podcast, but I just looked through all my, I was like, this has been a lot of white people. And I also, I also like, I asked. So I'm the token podcast guest for sure. I'm the token. Sand.

No, no. We're out. We're out. Hey, guys, guys, let's get this out of here. And let's, let's move on. Let's talk about something else. Here's a thing. I ate four glazed donuts today.

Oh, yeah. What is that? You think you get an... He's trying to change the top. And you're bringing it back. And you bring it back. I'm going to get some producer notes on this. He's like, are you sure he'd want me to cut the whole episode?

Michael, just... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who got that? What's that for? I got that from my mom. She's telling you... Shut up. She was telling me shut up.

Yeah. Do you think you're gay? No, but I ate four glazed donuts today. They weren't even good, dude. They were, like, stale. Where were they from? They were from... There's a great.

grocery store right down the street next to this very nice, it looks like a thrift shop. We could have whole new looks. New Patty, new Mike, you know. Oh, okay. You can tell mentally I'm not here right now. I'm thinking about how close I was. I'm sweating. You can't think about it.

Yeah, you were closer than just about anybody has ever been without, I guess. No, no. When you throw sand behind it, that was like, that was next level. No, but I was clearly saying N-E. There were a couple times where you were saying, and it sounded like N-I. It sounded like an N-E-I. Like, you snuck an extra vowel in there. Not doing any sneaking.

I'm trying my heart. Listen, you can, like, plead the phonetics, okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can be in court, Your Honor. Here's how, let me, do you have a chalkboard in the room? I agree with the T's thing. We just need to find a new word. Yeah, yeah.

We need more words. More words, bro? I don't even know a good amount of words. But you never wanted to, like, invent a word? I mean, no, because all the words that I end up trying to come up with are, like, they're not. Let's try to come up with one. Would you ever get something?

What are you trying to catch on? You know what? There are specific kinds of people. What about a schlimp? A schlimp, that sounds like, like, like a guy who is he, you know, a black person? No, no, no. A schlimp is like the guy with a big dick maybe?

Oh, yeah. Like, a picture like a Mac Miller kind of like, you know, that kind of look like the kind of Pete Davis is a schlamp. He's a schlimp. Yeah. But you don't want it, the word that you want to invent, you don't want it to be like a slur. No. No.

I want it to be a slur. Okay. Well, you could use it as a slur. Yeah. Like a schlimp fucks your wife. Yeah. You get out of here. And he's like, hey.

Yeah. Whoa. He doesn't even know the word. He's like, hey. What the hell? My grandfather worked very hard in this country with his big skinny white dick to make sure that I didn't get treated this way. Is it a skinny? Is it a big.

skinny dick or is it a skinny guy with a big dick? It's a skinny guy with a big dick. All different dimensions. All different dimensions. Again, same thing. We're going volume. Just specifically volume. No, no, as long as...

Could be a chode. Yeah, as long as like basically you... It looks like a piece of Tupperware. If you blend his dick up, it has... It's more volume, I agree. You blend his dick up, you put it into a beaker and how high is it getting? Yes, yeah. Can you read the meniscus?

Are chodes real? Yeah. When I was in high school, a friend of mine, um, sucked my penis and told me I had a chute. He got, his, his,

his, his, uh, his mom told us, like, she was, like, drunk one night and she told us,

like, there was this boyfriend she had who she was, like, madly in love with, but she couldn't ever be with him because he had a chode. Wait, wait, wait,

I, I blanked out for a second. The, the girl said she could never be with a man with a chode. Yeah, so, yeah, my friend's,

um, mom, was like, no, He was like 70. What? So, but this was like back in her day, back when Chodes were around more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick started. Who are you friends with who had a 70-year-old mom? It was one of my friends. His parents were, like, very old. They, like, worked for Sports Illustrated and, like, like, built this crazy career. Well, I think they, like, waited until their career was over to have a family. But, yeah, that was, like, one of the first nights I ever drank and learned about a Chode. You don't really learn.

Is it Chode a dick that's... Can you hold the microphone in wakeluck? They're not even catching any of that. Is the... Is the... On this whole entire episode? Is it... Is it Chode...

Is it Chode a dick that's so small that it's... That its length is bigger than its width? Or is it just like a regular dick that somehow... Its width is bigger than its length? Right, right, right. So I know that, but is it... But is...

How does it fit that... Like, I've never, again, I've never even, like, Google Chode to see... Like, I've Google Micro penis. Those things are hilarious to look at. Let's just look up Chode. Yeah. But, but, like, I just... Chode like, is it like, so it looks like my dick, but it's the wrong way?

It's supposed to be wider than it is long, but I mean, I think just general thick dicks it showed. It looks like someone hit it with like a big mallet, like Walloichi and like a Mario. Shode real porn. See, all these are small ones. Like that looks, that's what I'm saying. That's not a chode. Oh, that's like, that's my penis. These are these small penis.

Right. No, no, no, no, that's what I'm saying is if it's, if it's, if the guy didn't fuck in the ass. If it's, if it's, if the dick is so. short that its width is just immediately longer than its length because it just like starts so like that's technically a chode yeah because it's just so are you about to reveal that you have a chode honestly here this old this is something's up i look let's look through my i was looking at some guy in in it was chicks he was you know sometimes the porn hub account is a guy who's just fucking hot chicks yeah what yeah it's what don't pretend like you've never you don't know what i'm

talking about i go to a poor girth math That's who the guy was. Okay, Gertmaster. But, like, this is, like, basically a chode. How is that a chode? That looks like as long as their face. They look pretty happy in that picture. I know, but it's like, look how fucking wide that.

That is a wide boy. That's just a big penis, bro. Yeah, that's a big penis. Look at that thing, dude. It's like swallowing a baguette. Yeah. Well, shout out to Guthmaster if you ever want to call in. Guthmaster is not a chode.

Maybe chodes are in. Well, Gertrth means thick, so it's like almost a... That wasn't even close to being a... chode, bro? I bet, though, if you have a chode, you've never photographed it before in your life. Yeah, that's what it is. That's why it's no. Because I've never seen a picture of one. Yeah, yeah. Is this a chode? And it's just like your own dick and everyone's like, send me that. Yeah, yeah. Or just like the CIA comes up behind you and chloroforms you and puts you in a fucking, yeah. You're too powerful. Yeah. We need to make sure you're not using it for evil.

With great, with great girth comes great responsibility. It's like, you know how there's always like every fucking coming of age, like, kids movie is like one of those like Harry Potter things where they find out where I'm ignoring that. But when they find out that, you know what they're like they find out they have a special gift. Oh, you're a wizard Harry. Yeah, yeah. It's like you're a show master. Your father was one. You may have thought what was in your pants was strange.

Different than the other boys. But you carry something much more powerful than them all. You wield a chode Most people bring a sword to battle You have a shield A great big shield And then we know the arc of the movie He's like, I never asked for this

She's like, I never wanted this responsibility It's unfair I never wanted to have to wear my pants backwards To fit my chode In the ass of my pants Just hook up with girls sideways Because it's like, it's just so wide You have to like enter like this way

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah With that 3-6 mafia, Lyrick is like these Chinese bitches, their pussy's really sideways. I always love that because there's no talk about sideways dicks, like in the Chinese world. Yeah. Well, sideways vaginas are not real.

That implies they're fucking like this, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is not very productive. True. The fuck. Yeah, there's always an angle, though, in sex where people try to do that. Like, they're like, yeah, what if I fucked the vagina sideways? Yeah.

It's not meant for that. God did not intend for you to do that. Then she quefs, you start spinning around on top. fly out of the room. I've only experienced a quefe once in my life. Really? It was the greatest thing I've ever. Yeah, I've never had those air pockets.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe it was the vagina type. Maybe it's a specific type. Were you able to, were you able to, like, keep it together? No, no. I immediately went so often and was laughing. That's the hardest part, though, when you fuck her on. See, that's good.

That was a good response. I still try to get the job done. I'm like, I'm like trying. I'm like trying to like look hot while fucking. Yeah. Well fucking a wet boot. And I'm like, no, I can do this. We can just move back to this.

Yeah, dude, imagine being gay, fucking a guy in the ass. Yeah, that's shit. He's like fart city. He's like fart city and shit. Yeah, yeah. Like you have to clean your sheets afterwards. Dude, say what you will back. I'm fine with gay people do whatever you want.

But you got to say that's got to smell bad. Yeah. Dude, you ever hear that story about, uh, there's some like a super hood guy who, he was like in jail. talking about it. He's like, yeah, man, you walk through there, you smell a bunch of stinky-ass dicks. He's talking about it's a white guy. His name's a young Crip or young blood. He's something. He's a white guy who's like the one white blood, but he's talking about it. He's like,

yeah, bro. But also he said what would happen is some people get raped on the John's like, wow, they're shitting. Oh, wow. Yeah. So it's like a real transit down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imports exports? The second the poop is gone, you're like, hell yeah, I'm getting in there because there won't be that as much poop on the way out. Well, that'll be my move. I'll be like, bro. Let me get some bad diarrhea. So nobody. rapes me in my ass. Yeah. Like, jokes on you.

We're gonna rape you. Yeah. Jokes on you. What do you think we use for Lou? Yeah. My move would just to be not get raped. Yeah. Wow.

What an original fun. That's a tough one. I'm gonna try not to get raped in prison. Yeah. I mean, I mean, you gotta be hard, bro. There could be like,

you hear about those like anti-rape design things where it's like a, it's like a sheet you put in your vagina and it's got nails in it. No way. Yeah. So maybe there's a prison thing like that. I mean, that would be some real inspector gadget. shit.

So I try it's to rape you. You're like, no, the penis cruncher 9000. Yeah. Wallace and Gromit. You pull a lever,

a cuckoo clock, like hits a thing that drops it in your hands. Cheese. Dude, in theory, you could hide something up there that like,

you know, the exact marriage. Like an IUD, you know. Yeah. Oh, dude, like an IUD with a fucking yeah,

yeah, guys. Just a land bind so when he puts it in, it like triggers and it's like, you better not pull out, dude.

Or goes off Because we're both done It just hits that part of the grenade Where it's like It holds it in place Like don't move an inch Yeah Dude it'd be so funny to be like

For this device to be so commonplace That like someone is like Someone goes in and they hear like the click And they're just like Oh god Yeah It's like literally like Russian roulette rape Why did I even wear a condo

Yeah Would a waste of time Oh man That would be crazy You get the bomb squat in there. Yeah, but maybe you could pull out and stick your finger in there. I was going to say you could Indiana Jones.

No, no, no, the only way. Oh, yeah, Indiana Jones went with a dildo. The only way to do it is that is that poop thing, is the poop thing. So you would have to poop the guy's dick out. You can be like, all right, I can get. You know what I just want to say? I love podcasts with you guys. I want to say I'm having so much fucking fun.

No, you go, you go. This is the kind of stuff. The guy's dick out. That's the landmine on. Hey, Patty, you want to talk closer to the microphone. We're going to lose some quality of time. No, but the thing is, it's like, you look at him and you're like, hey, man, if you want to get out of this right now, you have to promise you're never going to rate me again. And then you poop, because the poop can replace the dick in the butt.

I think you would just poop the bomb out. Oh, maybe that's... But it has to be touching. Wait, no, no, no, I think you're misunderstanding. So the poop is the guy who's getting fucked in the ass, he wants to, he wants the bomb to go off, right? No, no, no, no, but he can also. He's like a suicide bomber. You know all that.

He's in a position of somehow power and submission. Exactly. Right. So he's now in the position of power where he's like, we're both about to die unless you promise you're never going to do this again, in which case I'll let us both off the hook by pooping your dick out. Oh, so it's like... And then he poops and it kind of like...

And because like there's still something in his butt that it's somehow worked that way. It pushes the landmine with the dick. Yeah. And then the guy... So he has the poop. He's like, I'm holding the... Yeah. And that's...

The guy can grab the landmine to hold. it and then like, and then they can get the bombs clock. They try to get the bomb. Is that anybody writing this down? They're in jail. We're kind of just wasting it. It's all document. Okay. It's all documented. We're going to clip it and send it to jail so that everybody knows that this idea.

Mission Impossible 16, I think you've got a, I think you've got some ghostwriters in your hands. Speaking of shit, dude, I was in the hospital last night because I got tons of light all the fucking time. I'm going to get to remove insurance goes through February 1st, but emergency services, I can just go in and it's still covered. Right. So I went in and

speaking of hoodies, I had my hoodie on the whole time, dude. I look like fucking, you ever see a Lord of Rings? He looked like a professional, bro. Oh, fuck you. You know, I've ever seen Lord of the Rings when, like, what's his name? Aragorn. Yeah, Aragorn. Just sitting in the back like this. This is me in the hospital all last night. Yeah. And they're sitting there's me next to this guy, and the first thing that happens is they go,

we got to move him out of the way. And I was like, why are they moving me? And all I hear is, that guy is lice. Yeah, that guy next to him has lice. And I was just like, Oh, my God. That'd be so funny. Because the guy was getting out of his bed. He's like, where is it? They're like... It's you.

It's you. You're fucking idiot. Get back in bed, bro. Like, bugs. He's like, is it on, dude, son? Like, standing behind a woman. Yeah. But, um...

That's brutal, dude. Dude, that's... Yeah, then they put me next to another guy who was just like fucking... Ah! He would do the thing where he just go, ah! And they walked in and he's just shit.

Like, you just smell shit on. Oh, man. And then like five nurses are going to clean this guy's shit. He goes, it burn! I wonder if he had like an enema. Yeah, I don't know, probably something like that. And they're like, but doctors are just liars.

They're always, no, it's not, it's not, there's nothing in your ass right now. You're crazy. Like, they start doing you like that. Well, there might not be, dude. There were so many hot fucking nurses walking in there. And it's just this hot nurse. She's going in there. And then she came in later to give me like a COVID test.

And I was like, did you wash your hands before coming out of there just to like fuck with her? She's like, I don't know what you're talking about. I was like, come on. Give me, I'm trying to riff here. Give me a little something. Yeah. She cleans shit out of an old guy's asshole, and you're going to pretend. She was straight-faced.

She was, like, not giving it up at all. I go out of there. And she goes, what are you talking to? I'm like, maybe it's, I don't know if, I know you cleaned up that guy's poop. Well, I don't know if, like, patient, client, what do you call it? The confidential. I don't know if that works the same way with, uh... HIPAA agreements.

I don't know if you're in the same room as a motherfucker. You know what I like? There's a curtain, and she's like, something in that room is totally different. And you hear, like, there's a lot of shit here. And she's like, that's confidential. You, like, watch the guy going. and her be in there or whatever. And you're like, well, I mean, I know you were, like, I know what happened.

Yeah, yeah, everybody's like, sir, you can clearly hear nurses be like, sir, sir, we have to wipe you. We have to wipe you. And he's like, don't tell my wife. Because she's embarrassed for some shit. It is moments like that. I wish there was like a Jedi mind trick where she comes in. She's like, you didn't hear any of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're like, oh, okay. Yeah. But I was like, I was like, come out. I at least give me a little, either way. It was funny, too, because then another nurse came in. She's like, sir, do you know what year it is? and then I didn't hear his answer, but she goes, that's a pretty good guess.

So just not right, but not that's bad. I was like, hey, look, that's fair. I would have gotten that wrong. That's so unfair to ask on like January 10. Kind of a cunt doctor. Do you go 20, 23, and you're like, get him into the psych ward right now. Lock this guy, chain him up.

I had a, there was a, there was a girl in high school at one point. She like got concussed during some sort of game or whatever, and they asked her like what year it was. and she was like 1913. It was like, damn, you're cooked. Like, your brain is messed out. Dude, I saw that. She's like, why are none of these doctors beating me?

Yeah. There's a lot of black people here. There's a lot of professionals here. Callback. I think what you guys have said it was to me. I'm not going to say anything. I don't know. I don't try to get it on us, man.

I'm not going to say I'm happy. You're the one who said the N-word like 20 minutes ago. Not what I said. That's not what I said. Soft. E. The R was hard, but the E was too soft. The E should have been harder. I should have dropped a hard E in there, so it sounded less like an I. I don't know, because there's some... Listen, we're all earning our lessons here, and that's what it's all about, right?

Yeah, I'll look at... I'm gonna go on synonym.com. You know what, let's look up a synonym for that word. It took Joe Rogan... The N-word? It took Joe Rogan... No, no, no, no, no, no. It took Joe Rogan seven solid minutes of using the N-word before he realized it was wrong. So I think we're okay. Have you seen that... Yeah, that'd be funny if they found out that compilation of saying it 50 times was in the same day. Did you see, have you guys seen the National Spelling Bee sketch by Derek comedy? It was like Donald Glover's a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they go, can you give me a synonym for that word? And he's like, pineapple. And so it's like, I thought you were about to look up synonyms for the N word. And then maybe a pineapple shows up. I'm starting to worry that that's not even a real word. I don't know that it is. He looked it up and it's just not there. Oh, man, that would be even better.

That would be great. We'd have to tank the episode. Okay, no, it's real. It's real. It's real. I guess he's in the clear. Everything's A-OK. They're really not putting a clear.

Would you have said that if Ryan Thomas was the guest? Yes, it's what the word is. Uh-oh. What do you mean? Uh-oh, dude. It just says etymology black person. No, it doesn't. Dude.

Oh, that's not it. It doesn't. No, but that's not the word. The word's not showing up in an actual dictionary. The animology, black person. I would be sick. I would be absolutely sick if that was the case. The word isn't in the dictionary.

But it shows up. Look up if the word neg is in the dictionary. It is, but just not that. But that is what you call somebody who does that. Look up urban dictionary. Why wouldn't you say he is someone who negs? Oh, you know what? I know this sounds funny.

You know what? Look up urban. Urban dictionary. Of course, I agree. Go to the black one. Yeah. Urban. You know?

I don't know. I just want to say, um, I... Are you doing your apology now? Yes. Yeah. I...

Are you still going to clip it? You used to describe a stream of snipers. Hmm. A person that engages in the act of nagging. There we go. There we're done. Since when is... From the source itself,

the urban... Look up. Nothing else. The burden of proof went so low. It went from the actual dictionary, and then somehow along the lines, he couldn't find what he needed, and then he found what he needed an urban dictionary,

and he's like, that's it, all right, we're good. Yep, look, I'm not going to lie, the second I read that, blood pressure down. Yeah, no, you're good. We're coasting now. There's no need to. There's no word that I would feel comfortable saying that you couldn't get me to just keep saying.

So say it. He's just being a nigger right now. Just relax. Don't let him neg you. That is fair. He's nagging me. He's trying to have sex to me. Call me a sand.

No, it's not the same. Don't put the house. Don't put sand. There's certain words that you don't apply. House. Field. We're not doing this. Porch.

No, we're not. We're not doing this. Call me a porch camera. Oh, no, but for real. My name cannot go on this just because I will lose my job. 100%. They watch your podcasts? No, but like if they saw it, they would for sure.

What do you do for work? You can put it on. I don't give it sure. Yeah, I was about to say, you've said way worse things on here. What do you do for work? Civil engineer. Are you serious? Civil engineer, civil war?

Confederacy. You know, and you know what that work? That is what happens to the second you get caught being racist, or looking like you're racist, you got a, caught was bad. It sounds like it's not what I'm not. I was what I said. Yeah. But you just start it.

You got to start lobbing other whites, throwing them in. Yeah. What are, well, the problem is we have no slurs for whites. That's what we should be coming up. We really need to just make Cracker.

Like, Cracker just doesn't hit. If I just, and it's also, if anything with an ER is not going to hit his heart. Cracker. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. So what is like, like, there's got to be moments where you get really upset at white people. What's the gut, guttural feeling you have when like. The N-word.

Okay. Well, that doesn't. What about just white, N-word. We can't keep doing it. That's what I had an exchange student from Spain, and we asked him what the slurs were,

and we're like, what about somebody from China? He's like, Chino de Mirda, which means Chinese of shit, or like shit from China. And I was like, okay, what about, you know, Mexicans, Mekano de Mirda. Like, okay. So that's, MIRDA is there in N-WOR.

And I was like, you guys are so uncreated. Yeah, that's not cool at all. That's like for brown people, all of our slurs are just black people ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Dune Kuh. Yeah, yeah. Or sand and word.

Camel Jockey, though. Yeah, but that's a great one. Camel Jockey, honestly, it just sounds cool. One of the ones, Ryan Thomas has this in a bit, but he says he got called a, like, a moon cricket or whatever. Yeah, that's like an old, like 30. That is one of the funniest slurs I've ever heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How does that work? I don't know that. I don't know how that works. I think it's because they were like, it was like an old, like racist character was like, was a moon cricket? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the middle of the night, just making noise. Well, I think maybe there's something to do with, like, the singing of songs in the moonlight,

like when they would sing their... When they're just doing slave labor and they're just singing and they're like, oh, those crickets out there. It's like, you guys are louder than the crickets right now. There it is. Even the crickets aren't as loud as you guys. Dang. Man, it was really nice having black friends.

Yeah. I think, yeah, maybe we're cooked. Could be all over. You know what, to be fair, this isn't in Wikipedia. Wikipedia is a terrible base of this, yeah, yeah. You just went to Urban Dictionary to prove your point on the other one. Dude, Urban Dictionary is the best dictionary. Urban Dictionary is below Wikipedia.

Urban dictionaries, no, urban dictionaries is the real dictionary. The real dictionary. Isn't going to being good at dictionaries? Yeah. You think they're illiterate? Yep. Never heard of ebonics? Yeah.

Is that the thing that makes fat, well? women skinnier. No, that's what's epic. I think I'm hooked on Ibonics. I mean, actually, I don't know if it's offensive or not, but it's an offensive potentially way to describe how like the linguistic

style of... Urban dictionary is more real than Miriam Webster Dictionary. Yeah, I am. That's more reliable. Where does that rank? I think Urban Dictionary is the best one because it's like we,

language evolves. Like, you know, like we were not using Shakespearean terms anymore, but they're all in that dictionary. That's stupid dictionary. I'm so tired. British people just acting like that's how you're supposed to talk now. Move on. I've said this for years. It sounds silly. We quit talking like that.

Everything was so silly. Like Shakespeare? Just every time you see a British person talking about British and stuff. You're like, I mean, it is kind of hot when British chicks talk. But there is like a thing with like... They have like a different word for every piece of furniture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like what?

Like what do they call a chair? A city city boy Can I get in the loungeie You mind if I sit on the loungeie You mind if I rub my little British pussy on it They call Yeah they just call stuff

I like to do British exes but you don't really sex stuff Oh yeah bend over and put in your bam Put my wanker Wanker is such a good one You fucking like that you daddy little bitch Yeah you're gonna slob on it Yeah and put right in your bam Dude

Yeah you like right Have you ever heard, like, the crowd at like a soccer game or whatever, when someone will make a mistake and they get subbed out. Everyone's like, you fucking want to. Yeah, it's just silly word to be. Yeah, it's just like they just all are just yelling at this one guy and it's like, oh. That would be like us being like, you masturbator. Yeah.

What are you doing? You ejaculator. I guess we call people jerk offs. Yeah, yeah. But barely, dude. It's like a baseball coach. And you're like, yeah, I might you jerk off. Yeah.

I remember my, uh, my. baseball coaches used to always like joke around with us and they'd be like, oh, what are you guys doing? Fucking jerking off over here in the dugout jerking off. And he said it in front of my, we were like in high school. And like he said it in front of my like brother who was like six years younger than me. Yeah. And my brother, he thought it meant like messing around, which he was right.

Like that is what it. But he went home and I guess he was like hanging out with a friend. And he was like, yeah, like I wanted to play Yu-Gi-O. but like my friend was just jerking off. My mom's like, what? It's like, yeah, he wouldn't even do anything. He was just jerking off. Was it just messing around.

They're like, where did you hear this? He's like, I don't know. Paddy's baseball coach was asking if everyone was jerking off and if they would start. Yeah. Oh, man. Wow, dude, you put a table in the room? Yeah, yeah, by the way.

I barely talked about the new apartment. I started to, and then JJ just started going off. It was so funny, too. The last episode, I was like, yeah, you know, it's pretty cool. I'm, like, done being homeless and stuff like that. And then JJ's like, yeah, I did that for years. Jess Levin's like, yeah, I lived on couches for like 20 fucking. You can't have an old person in your podcast without them talking about how much this generation is.

Soft little pussy boys. I said none of this to their faces, but I will if they come on again. Now that I've thought of my defense, now that I have a little more. Could you imagine that? Well, JJ and Jess aren't exactly the, like, they're not cream of the crop people to be taken. Could you imagine the sound the couch made when, just finally moved out. Just like,

oh. Wow, bro. Wow. I wasn't going to go there. I wasn't going to go there. Dang, that was cold blood. Yeah. Yeah.

But, can you dance, Michael? I thought you've seen me tear it up. I've seen, like, videos. I've never been IRL. Yeah, yeah. I can't see you. I can't dance.

What about you? I can't dance. No. But it's hard to get people to go dancing nowadays. Yeah, because it's freaking gay, bro. No, it's not, dude. There's nothing more masculine than going out to the club with a couple of guys. I didn't say not masculine.

I said gay. Exactly. Gays are the women's of men. So I agree with what you're saying. No, I just think it sucks, bro. It's like, dude, I hate exercising. You're just going to make me go and exercise at nighttime. But it's the best form of exercise.

It's tricking me into exercising. Yeah, but the thing is, like, this is my opinion. I hate when you go to a bar and there's all these guys. First off, they're scared to talk. talk to girls. They're scared to have fun. They're scared to have a good time. You look like a pussy, in my opinion, when you're in the corner. But then in somebody dancing, it depends what you're doing. Like, if you, if you're dancing too, it's, it's like karaoke. It's like, there's a line where it's too good that it's not cool. Yeah. And then there's a line where it's

fun. And you're like, oh, that's like, actually like a good, like, if you can kind of dance, like, that's the thing. I got three moves. I only make my makeup up to like six. But any more than that, it's sad. You only what was, what six? I got three moves. Yeah. I want to build it up to six. Oh, okay, okay. I got a few for you. Yeah. First one, fresh nails.

What is that? Ooh, I like that. Yeah. This is great for an audio podcast. Clip it. That's the clip. There was another one that I had that I patented. That was pretty good.

I can't remember what it is. I worked 40. God, I have diarrhea brewing in me, right? Wow. He patented it. I patented it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That was good. The Jamaican stuff, right? Yeah. I'll just, I've been, I have to practice my Jamaican accent for this bit I'm doing, and I really try to, like, look in the mirror. This is the perfect time to do it, because you already look bad. What do you want me to say in a Jamaican accent? I want you. No, no, no, no, we're not doing that.

What about, like, you're negging another Jamaican. Okay, that's fair. About getting some of that sweet, sweet, uh, how about that look at Patti? Oh, you're, you're. I'm gonna kill myself. You gonna stick your lips around my plantain or what now? Look at you, your fat, you don't even put effort into your socks. You gotta be allowed to do it.

You can't do an accent and not go all the way in. Yeah, what do you jerk chickening off over there in the corner? Look at you, yo, looking like a batty boy. That's homosexual, that's what they say, right? Body boy. Yeah. Coming over here with your red jacket, trying to get some dick in your mouth.

No, that was... What, do you, Ariel, living under the sea or something? Yeah, I always turn into a calypso, David Jones Lockhart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From Pirates of the Caribbean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dead man's chest. Dead man's chest.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I couldn't, I can't do the, I can't do the accent, man. Really? Try it. No, no, no. I remember that Little Mermaid was our musical senior year, and the person was like, yeah, you should try to audition for Sebastian or whatever. And I just, I couldn't.

do a Jamaican accent. Yeah. Under the sea, and while it's wetter, it is much better. Take it from me. You can only, I'm telling you, the only way to do Jamaican accents is if you raise your voice.

Yeah. No, yeah, because they're all loud. I mean, have ever heard those, I was in the hospital last night, those nurses. Have you ever heard those, yeah, they're all Jamaican. You ever heard those, like, radio stations,

the Jamaican radio stations? No. Where it's like a song, it's like, boom, boom, and then like a guy comes in, he's like, Oh, not that's boom, boom, crack on boom,

chopon, boom, chabong, boom, chabong. He's like, Rookabata, Rooka, Rooka, Gokka. And then it's like back to the song. They're pretty cool, dude. Yeah. No, no, it is.

Now, I say it's the most in culture. Like, a couple years ago, K-pop was taken over, you know, that was kind of cool. And then, you know, now it's like Jamaican, especially with that white Jamaican guy coming up. It's fucking in his shit.

It is in, yeah. Yeah. Dude, we got to find, we got, someone's got to do a documentary or an investigation on the rebrand that Asians have had. Asians and brown people were kind of in the same spot of like, oh, nerdy, like, you know, dumb, ugly and all that. And, like, they just left us behind.

Nations went cool, yeah. Yeah. They really embraced anime, I think. I think they always secretly embraced it. Dude, the gym, the gym is full Asian dudes. Yeah. They're all fair. They're trying to get so fucking yoke.

So big, yeah. I wonder if they're compensating. Yeah. No, sir, we don't have a penis growth machine. Oh, that'd be so funny. What do you mean? I can't work my penis off over here. P penis curls.

Hey man, you're going to have to put that away. Just hanging a dumbbell, sir. You can't use the equipment that way. I want to give me five minutes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. If you tie, like, a weight to your penis, it will make it longer. So why don't I just do that?

You should. I think it's like you have to tie it. How big is your penis say on this podcast? I think I'm between like six and seven inches somewhere. Ooh. I'm 5.9 on the dot, maybe six. I keep saying maybe six, because if I catch it a little bit of wind. Yeah, if the wind is going your way, then if you're with that six.

If you're with the current, that's probably 5.95. Okay. So just say six. If you're over four, if you're over four, you say six. There's no reason. You go in brackets. It's like tax brackets. It's like if you're in here, then you're just six.

If you're in this area, then you're just nine. If you're between like seven and nine, I bet you just say nine. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. But what? So it depends on how fat you are. Like you can gain like two inches. You lose penis, absolutely.

Yeah. I think I'm gaining penis back, which is great. I'm losing penis. Yeah. Quickly. Oh, yeah. Quickly losing penis.

Cutting it, taking an inch off every time you gain a couple pounds. Yeah. Sometimes I like to take my fingers and like press down to be like, yeah, I'm 25 inch. Well, it totally, it totally, it absolutely gets the way during sex. Like I, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because it's like, it's like, it's like just distancing it. Same with like a woman with a big ass.

Big, oh my God, bro. hitting it from the back and you're like, I can't reach it. Can't reach it. You got too big. Too big. Yep. That's the position that always gets me. On the side, when you're from behind on the side, like it takes some real maneuvering, you know?

Yeah. It's like, because the cheeks are like on your gut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just trying to like fucking get it up in there. Yeah. Because that was my favorite position for a while. What am I going to run laps around the block to do my favorite section? Yeah.

Now you can't do it, you're saying? I can do it, but it's got to be like an Asian woman. Yeah, yeah. You gotta be flat, bro. I don't understand these fucking fat pussy getter dudes. Like, Biggie, imagine like that guy, like, it's got to be so, I mean, it's probably a big dick, dude. I mean, he's probably just getting his dick sucked.

Yeah, he's probably just sitting in a chair. Stobros is apparently big pussy guy. Stabros is only ever sitting in a chair, though. That's the thing is they just get on top. Like, his position made, he remains. But he even says he's like, I got like a little weener. So I'm like, how is that dude getting fucking. Dude, he's just, again, he's sitting, he's not doing anything.

He's like the dead fish of the men. That guy has like, let's say, let's give him a 5.5. You know, I'm just speaking for other people. But if he's got a 5.5, that's, that's one. Are we calling that average or are we calling that small? That's average. Okay. He said he has a small wiener, but you had 5.5 with fucking 7 inches of gut.

That's zero. That's negative. That's negative. Negative 2 inch penis. Yeah, yeah. Do you got to have a real Audi pussy to be able to be up there. extensions for penis, like for nails and hair and stuff. Dude, there is a thing.

It's like a, it's like a, it's like a, it's like a, it's like a, dealdo you put on your dick and then you fuck people with that. Yeah, like a top hat. Yeah. If you fuck the Nike shocks of penis. If you fuck someone long enough with that, the slaves will be freed. Well, it was like an A Blinken joke. Oh, oh, okay.

Oh, it was a top hat. Two in the pink, one in the link. Yeah, A, respect. We were talking about how. funny that was that was Dane Cook's little thing Was it? This? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was like his symbol that he had like on the stage. Why? Because he's just like, I get fucking pussy.

Oh, that's shocker. He's like, I didn't know that. Which if you, the shocker, nobody does the shocker. No. Like, how do you fucking, because if your finger or you're going over here, so you got to have claw hands. No, you're, you would just be, you would be doing this. This is what the shocker. Yeah, but when if, that's not women,

I know ladies. I mean, this is the nobody actually does the shocker, dude. That's why I just said. I know. But this is. But this is. what it is. The fucking hoodie you have on. This is what it would be, dude. You're like, oh, how are you doing it?

This. But no, but nobody does it. Right. It's the joke, though. It's two in the pink, one in the stink. And it's like, not something you actually do. It's just like, hey, man, I'm 13 and I'm doing the shocker because I... Yeah, it was funny.

The Dane Cook's like 40 years old. He's like, ah. Maybe Dane Cook was doing it, though. The shocker had its moment when I was like a junior or senior in high school and I've never seen it since. No, yeah, I completely forgot about it. Yeah. And it's not real. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Dane Cook and the Shocker, kind of similar trajectories. Yeah. The career of the shocker in Dane Coop. They kind of held hands and drifted into a oblivion. Dude, I used to love Dane Cook, man. No, no, he's really talented. I used to listen to his stuff on the way to the, on the way to school in like fifth and sixth grade or something. Yeah, yeah.

The Kool-Aid man and, like, the one with the day, the movie Dune is in my chocolatey drink. I used to think that stuff was hilarious, dude. Dude, and he has, he still has good stuff. I'm sure he's still great. I haven't seen any of that stuff. No, I haven't watched any of his new specials, but like, somebody was telling me a bit from him. There was that bit about him. He's like, why the loudest...

Whatever. Too bad he's... I'm not going to cry. I got itchy right inside. I was just like... He's a pedophile. It breaks my heart. No, no, no, no.

He's close to one. We were talking about this the other day. I was trying to just explain to somebody why I don't bang 18-year-olds. And I was trying to explain it. And then I was just realizing I don't have a solid answer to it. Yeah. Because I was like, I don't bang 18-year-olds

because I have to do a certain amount of good things. each week and the easiest good thing you can do is not have sex with an 18 year old because in theory you're like that's an adult

it is why don't you bang 18 year olds Humson's explain it to me no no no no let's explain it let's see why you don't fuck 18 year olds because your eyes are just

so much more mature and you go that looks like a baby to me because if a hot 18 year old looks like a child to you then you're a pedophile no Humson doesn't fuck 18 year olds

because they will ask him to help him them on their homework after one no no no no my the look on my face was you have like you're like, oh, I have to fill my quote of good things to do this week.

And some of the good things that you can do are just not doing bad things? Yes, yes. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like what? Like, you can just not kill someone this week and that counts? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Well, because what happens is my, my Tinder, I swear to God, I put it 21 and up, but it still will just show me 18-year-olds with like huge asses. They're mostly fake accounts. Right. But they're just like, what about this? And you're like, that's a really hot woman who looks fucking 30. but no, because I've decided in my brain that I will not have sex anybody under 21.

I think that's just my brain mentally. So he showed me his Tinder or hinge or whatever he was on the other day and there was this girl that he was messaging. This couple weeks ago. A couple weeks ago. And this girl messages him and she's like, I like to be dominated.

And I was like perfect opportunity for you to like just be like shut the fuck up, bitch or something like that. And his next text is like, what is your ideal first date? And I was like, what are you doing? dude? And she was just like walking. And it was like oh, she immediately went cold after

that. And I was like, you missed like, she wanted you to say something. But you're not really the dominating type, right? No, no. I'll do whatever. Seriously, I'll... She asked you to do the dominating thing and you were like, um, do you like to do this? Would you like to go get ice cream sometimes? Well, I'll pull up

the conversation. Yeah, yeah. Do it. It would be funny if you said that, like we wanted to go on a date and then you saw her immediately just punched her right in the face. This is what you wanted, right? I know what domination is. She said, I like to be dominated. And then I was like, I like to dominate a lot.

See, you were supposed to be like... I do prefer domination from time to time. Dude, what am I? No, no, no, no. She wanted you to... If we're not fucking, I'm not talking fucking, oh yeah, I'm gonna... She wanted you to be like,

I can't wait to stuff your face in the pillow or something like that. And then she... And then, like, and then she ended up calling him, like, fat or something. No. Yeah, she did. I was like, uh, yeah, I was like, you don't drink. So, like, what's your ideal first date?

She goes, walk, which I thought she meant to get the fuck out of here. And I was like, that seems a little boring. She's like, going for walks. She said, yes, it might be boring for you because you don't work out. But then I was like, I don't know. What am I to go for a walk? At someone in Long Island. That's a little sketchy.

She goes, I were attractive guys for long walks and Long Island. So then she's trying to fucking, and then I said, She's trying to murder you, dude. Yeah. That's a lure in. Yeah, that's not a reverse. Yeah, that's a reverse. That was fucking, that was a month ago.

And I'm not, I'm not, I did the most dominant thing at all. I didn't message her back. Domination. Nice. I will say you're, she's probably coming. Yeah. Just absolutely.

I will say there. I am finally the part of being single where I just stopped. I was just like, like, like, I feel like at the beginning I was just like, abs. You get so addicted to do it. Yeah. That's like, you're like. You're like, yeah.

I mean, you were lonely. Yeah. Oh, that was the best for walking around her at Christmas. And they go, man, this city's so lonely, right? And he goes, dude, I think yours is so fucking accurate. Yeah, yeah. There's always families. I'm like, fucking Lonelyville over here.

Everybody's all depressed. Lonelyville. Yeah, yeah. I was like, that, dude, Christmas was fucking dark. Yeah, that's a dark one, dude. You were here, right? Dude, I was, oh, my God. That was Christmas, wasn't it?

That night. Yeah, dude, I was crying on the bathroom. So I was house sitting for a comic with her dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And first off, I'm never going to. a fucking dog. I'm a dog person, but that I just... Yeah, yeah, too much responsibility.

And it doesn't talk. It doesn't... No, it's... I hate the thing people are like, it's really compatibility, and it gives you this sort of, you know, sense of the loyalty, and it makes you feel like less alone and you have somebody. It eats its own shit. Yeah, it's a fucking retarded

furry animal that eats glass off the ground. Yeah. And then it's like, sorry, by the way, the person that I house out, your dog's beautiful, and we had a wonderful time with the dog. They're not. They didn't get this far. They turned it off after you drop the inward. That's not what I said and I'll defend it to my grave.

The witch is coming very soon. We got some professionals coming in to do the job. I do want to start using the word professionals. We're really going to be the only ones who know what we're talking about. You're going to add up to saying not racist. You're like professional over here. Yeah, check out that professional over there. Oh, man.

But, LeBron's such a professional, dude. I know. He is. Through and through. He is, no. I got a real fuck this humor, but I'm getting nothing. I'm sweating.

But, yeah, the dog thing, it's so funny because everybody's like, I'm like, this thing has no, like, I was crying on the floor and started like licking my face. And I was like, get away from me. You fucking shit-licking thing. Well, no, I mean, that part, it was like, it was trying to comfort you. Yeah, I know. But I was like, but in its mind, it's also just like, I think there's salt coming out of this person. I'm going to lick this salt.

That's true. Salt tastes good. Yeah, dude, they love that shit. I hated, I hated when I was dogs sitting for, for my bum. is that like it was just like, it would just wake me up to go out. And I was like, I was like, dude, like, it's not, I'm not up yet. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't want to like have to. And like with you, it's like you were like, yeah, like if I want to go hook up with this girl, I got to go walk the dog first and then do this. It's like, dude, I don't want to have to. I don't want to have to. Dude, just every six hours, which was, I did it. I nailed it.

But it was really hard because it was like, dude, I would go out and do something. Like, especially like the way I live my life, I do shit. Okay. Yeah. You're talking to a professional. Different kind of professional. But, no, I'll fucking, like, I'll leave the house at noon and sometimes not come back

to 3 a.m. Right, right, right. That's like what we do, though, because it's like sometimes you leave the place and then you, like, end up doing spots or you end up having to go to whatever, hang out and stuff like that. And it's like, we're, I'm just in a place, especially, I don't think I'll ever, ever, ever get a dog.

But, like, I mean, even when I, like, one day, you know, hopefully have kids, it's like, that's like a thing where it's like, you just can't be thinking, you can't do that stuff anymore because you aren't responsible for just yourself anymore. Did you see South, South Korea just banned eating

dogs. Wow. Fucking woke culture. I know. The good news for them is they can literally travel in any direction. And it's just a frenzy of eating dogs.

Yeah, I don't know why that's racist. In China, they eat dogs. People are like, don't say that. You ever been to these countries? They eat... They eat them. They eat them. I've seen a picture of a dog.

They don't even cook them. A dead dog. I mean, it looks kind of tasty. Not going to lie. It looks like a pig, basically. I'd eat a fucking dog. They did the thing where they put a skewer through the whole thing.

Well, I just saw like the, it's like its stomach to the top of its, like, uh. Head? Yeah. And it looks just like a, yeah. They just roasted a dog.

Yeah. One of my favorite family. I fucking eat one, dude. I don't. Favorite family guy moments is when they hike Mount Everest, do you know that episode? I never watched Family Guy, yeah, really.

They like hike Mount Everest and then like, there's this other family they were competing against. And one of the kids got lost in the other family and they found him. It was frozen solid. Yeah. And their whole family. families like in front of them they're like we're starving like should we just like eat them and they're like sure so they eat the family of the kid no the other the griffins yeah yeah so they

eat the kid and then as they're walking down the mountain they're like wait why did we eat that kid before we ate the dog and then yeah at the end of the episode uh peter like sees that family and they're like thank you for saving us off the mountain we're so like so glad to be alive and he's like Yeah, all right, we ate your son. Bring it up. That sends the helicopter up. Were they just freaking out at the bottom, too? Yeah, well, yeah, they got like lost.

That looks kind of tasty. That doesn't look like a pig. That looks just like a dog. Right, yeah, I guess. It does look kind of tasty, though. Right, dude, look at the one. I mean, they glazed it up. Yeah, they really glazed it.

Dude, they looked like a turkey leg from fucking, you ever been to Universal Studios? Oh, my God, dude. Just some of these guys? Okay, that one still has teeth on it. Maybe take that one out. Yeah, that doesn't look as good. Jesus, they do look like dogs.

It all looks like the same... It's the same breed of dog. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, man. That's like a... But I don't understand why it's offensive to say that, like, people... I know not every Asian person eats dogs, you know, just almost all of them. No, I'm just kidding.

But every Chinese person does. From China. Well, I think this is Vietnam, but... I think it's just because what? It's a negative stereotype, at least in our culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's actually more racist to say that it's negative to eat dogs. Yeah.

Yeah, see, once again, once you look... look kind of racist. You got to throw under white people to the bus. That's how you win. Yeah, let's take advice from the guy who said the end word. It's not what I said. What did you say? I'm glad we... I said, nah, I mean, it was better than that.

That was better. I do... The thing is, I don't... Say it three times fast. No. I say... Weirdly. Let me say something else. If you say... I'm going to say the word beggar. Bigger.

It's just the way I'm saying. I knew you're going to say that. We got to wrap it up. What do you guys want to promote? Just follow me on Instagram and watch my sketch videos that I put up sometimes at Humza Zim. At Patty is Funky and News From Bed, the podcast on YouTube. Also, that wasn't the only reason I want to write in Thompson on. I like having him on.

I've asked him for months to come on. Yeah, I mean, he was the guest the last time I was on. Yeah, exactly. It's a good comment. I wasn't like, let me meet my quote out. Yeah, I mean, he would have been. Because I'm way below quota. I've had maybe three black dudes on this whole entire time.

He would have been a good person to have, though, for this one just to get his take on it. Because I think it would have been more... You're speaking a... I would be surprised if you were even on this episode. You're speaking so far from the microphone. Okay. No, but it would have made it... It would have made it more uncomfortable.

We would have had more insight as to some of the, you know, social things that we were saying on whether any of that was okay. Well, I don't understand what I didn't say the, you know, we're not doing the same warrant. Thank you guys for listening.