Morning Good - The Rebrand - Episode 294

Episode Date: November 23, 2025

Zach Braviette and Derick Gonzalez join the show for today's episode. They talk about feeling the Christmas spirit early, "Morning Good After Dark", and Facetiming your favorite porn star. Thanks to Derick and Zach for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and click their links down below for more.Derick is on Instagram  @officiallyderickgonzalez, he also has a weekly event in Harlem called Brown Sugar Comedy Show. Zach is on Instagram as well @zachunlimited As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to the morning. Well, it changed a lot since last time you're here. This is a Finding Jesus podcast. We're here with Zach Braviet, Derek Gonzalez, Michael Good, and we are Charlie Kirk. We are Charlie Kirk. Eric,

I've read the flames. It's funny because it's like AI. So like nobody, but nobody knows where it came from. Oh, let me just check this real quick. Oh, it's not an actual singer.

What do you want me to do? No, just keep talking. For one second. This is weird when the host leaves just like, you guys talk amongst each other. No, no, I can't do any thing.

Yeah, just take your pants off real quick. No, no. He got slowly behind the camera. Just like, yo, scooching with a little... Casting couch a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Seem angry. No, I, um, I just... I have OCDs, so I check to see if it's rolling. But I probably shouldn't. I should probably... No, that's fine. I've never not played... It's always...

We could just act like we could do it again. Yeah, yeah. I'm also, we are Charlie Kerr! That's it. That's the intro. I literally listened to it in the show. I was like, why do I like this song? It's so outrageous, it's hilarious.

It's hard. It's really, yeah. Some things are like that border between being super lame but also powerful. Yeah. Like there is just like a like, because you know whoever, the craziest part is the guy who's seeing is a robot, but he somehow has so much heart. Dude, there's a lot of soul. It's like, we are Charlie.

And you're like, dude, he really was hurt that day. Like he really, it sounds like that guy's solid on the camera. Like ones and zeros never had that much soul in their life. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You guys know Asante, right? Asante Morris. I was going to tell you.

I was going to bring that up. You got Charlie Kurt? Yes, I got Charlie Kirk. Yo, so you started up, man. So he was walking around the village yesterday, just taking pictures of people. He's like, hold on, I got to take a picture of you real quick. And I was like, all right, what's this for? He's like, hold on, I'll show you.

I was like, is this going to be my contact picture for you? Like, what's up? And we just keep talking for like five more minutes. He doesn't address it. And then out of nowhere, he goes, yeah, all right, here it is. And it's me with Charlie Kirk's face on my... He got Derek too. He showed me yours.

That's right. I got fucking Charlie Kirk. He got Charlie Kirk. And he's like, like, I thought it was so wholesome or something. He's just like, yo, let me take a picture of you, bro.

I'm like, all right. And I just got Charlie Kirked. Oh, my God. It looks like it's a Snapchat filter. That's so funny. It's fucking.

That's so awesome. But you, he got you good. Oh, he put me on the story? Yeah, you looked like a perfect Charlie Kirk. Yeah, all right. That's,

oh my gosh. That looks just like him. He's like a per. That, yeah. I was wearing a bushlight hunting hoodie yesterday too, so that doesn't really help. And it sucks because he did it to a bunch of comics. And like every outfit, every comic was wearing

was just like, I can see Charlie Kirk wearing that. Yeah. Well, the funniest, I think he took a picture of you and then a bunch of other comics and then as a montage, just post a reel of going, We are Charlie. He showed up that song in the background. Yeah, the pictures.

Yeah, just black and white pictures of you guys. Yeah. Dude, that would have been the funniest fucking troll in the entire world. Stand together. Stand as Charlie Kirk. Oh, my God. Well, now there's like the what's it called, like, I see the meme, um, Astro Kirk. It's like Astro.

Astro. Like Astro World except for Charlie Kirk's mouth and he's got like dreads and stuff. That's funny as fun. It's, that's the funny thing is no matter who you are, there's, you could do anything. The internet is now you are going to be the funniest thing. Like at some point, your face is going to be, yeah, on a baby or something. It doesn't matter what you did. I'm gonna, this might be a hot take.

I think Charlie Kirk is more popular now that he's dead. Yeah, I don't think that at all. No, I don't think that at all. No, I think people are actually, like, they're meming him and shit. And now he's, like, dead so he can't, like, harm anybody. You know what I mean? So now I think people are, like, coming around a little bit, you know, I think. All right, that's fun.

Charlie Kirk's death, I know, even though these are two people that have nothing related with their death, it reminds me of Kevin Samuels. You guys remember Kevin Samuels? No. So Kevin Samuels was this black. guy, he would just go on live and he'll just tell women about themselves. He'll just be like, so wait, you're telling me you're 40 and you are 5 foot 5 and you're 300 pounds. Get the fuck off my life.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he, they had like, I feel like, they got him. Yeah, no, I feel like it's the same type of level of like, you'll live on in the internet forever. But he's not dead. No, he's died. He died. He had a heart attack. Oh, he had a heart attack. No one killed him.

But it's not the same. But someone killed him. I felt like everybody had been like, yeah, we are Kevin Samuels as well. We are Kevin Samuels We carry the flame I wish I could show you some of his videos Because them shit are fucking hilarious The way he just roast the shit out of these girls

Yeah Was fucking crazy man Dude I'm not gonna lie I love those fucking words Like the podcast clip of Some dude who's not super smart But decent intelligence And he's got like four like really dumb

Chicks with their tits out And he's like So you think you deserve a six foot five guy With $200,000 no, no, and what are you? And they're like, ah, ha, ha. I hate that. Those guys are so gay.

I know, but that's kind of why it's funny. Because, like, imagine being that gay where you're just like, I'm going to argue with a woman and try to make a point. Yeah. Any man that tries to argue with a woman and win, you're completely gay. Like, yeah. That's like arguing with a retarded child. Hey. Oh, I thought I was going to get a pop on that one.

I was like, okay. That's disgusting. That's not, this isn't a place for that kind of humor. We rebranded. Yeah. This is, that's what the sunglasses are. Yeah.

Kirk's Knights is the name of his podcast. Kirk's Knites. Actually, he probably would say that. Probably would be like, talking to a woman was like talking to a retarded blind baby. Yeah. I definitely thought that I'd get a pop out of you guys off that one by a noop. It was fun.

I liked it. Now it looks like there's a reason that I'm single. Yeah. This is like ridiculous. I don't know why, but my TV, anytime I turn it on, it goes to some, like, access channel or something. It goes straight to Salem Access TV. And every time I put it on, it's straight right wing, and it's called the Charlie Kirk show. And it's like literally just random people from fucking Salem just talking about Charlie Kirk.

He's like, well, Charlie Kirk said a whole bunch of things like this. And I think we should keep his word going. Dude, that is the worst thing you could do to somebody is have a show named after them. Because then you're just saying opinions that are not necessarily theirs. Like if I die, morning good does not live on. Oh, I'm keeping Morning Good going. Oh, my God. It's going to be the most transphobic, misogynist, racist show.

Like, we're just keeping Michael Good's message going. Yeah, and I'm a dude more morning good at night. Yeah. Just a whole bunch of black guy spoke with that. We were just like, I think he would have fucked with that shit. I don't know. Wait, that would be a better shit. Can we just actually do that?

Can I just not be on my podcast? Yeah. The Morning Good Network. Yeah. You're going to turn his podcast. guessing in the breakfast club. Yo, that'd be fucking amazing. That would be sick.

We need a Charlemagne who asks questions that aren't really questions. They're really him insulting people. That's my favorite thing he does. So, uh, what do you have to say to all those people out that say your last album sucked? You're total bitch and have like a really small penis. They're like, are you asking me this or is this like? I haven't heard anybody say that.

Yeah. I'm just, I'm just saying what people are. I'm not saying that. But you know, people just said. He made the rapper Little Mama cry on, like, radio one time.

Like, I forgot what he acts. He's just like, but what made you think you could get on stage with Jay Z and Alicia Keys? And then she's like, I was just drunk. And he's like, but you got on stage with them. And then she just starts crying. And then after that, like somebody else gets online. And they're just like, why the fuck you won't make little mama cry, man?

Just start going in on him. But I believe that. Fucking Charlemagne is like really just, he's a good rage baiter. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Prime aide. He used to work with Wendy Williams. Oh, okay.

That makes sense. Didn't she have some crazy shit going on? Bro, she was always on Coke. That's awesome. What a nice... I take back my retarded child comment. Earlier, any woman that does cocaine is a pretty fun, smart, cool lady. What you're saying is they have to be on stimulants to be on our level.

I can't win. Also, I'm the guy who thought that Ireland and England had a bridge that went across. I thought you could drive from Ireland to England. I was about to be like, they don't. Yeah. I'm like, don't co-sign it. Yeah, I have no idea. I don't know anything about.

geography. I was like, yeah, I thought they were like right next to each other. I mean, they are right next to each other, but there's a little sea that's Yeah, there's a lot of passion where A little taint of water. Yeah, when I was a kid I was always told Ireland was part of the UK. Yeah, part of the UK. Is it just Northern Ireland a part of the UK? Just Northern Ireland is a part of its own thing.

Northern Ireland is part of the UK. But Ireland is not and they hate like it is like a... Dude, I've had, I don't know what the fucking difference is but I've said, oh, Northern Ireland and had Irish people like, no, it's the North of Ireland. Like, yeah. Your country is irrelevant and stupid.

Who cares? Why are you getting offended? You guys couldn't survive because you almost lost potatoes. Like the worst beer. Well, you know, as a guy who's seeing an Irish girl, I will once again strike you down.

This is just me versus you. I can't wait for this clip. My bad, I was going to say, this clip's going to go crazy on Irish Reddit. Yeah. Arr! You want to come say that shit to my face? Say it to my face.

I'll tell him one more time. You're fucking talking shit over there, lad. Well, it was funny because she was talking about, like, tough people in Ireland, and I just don't think of them as, like, I don't think of Connor. I don't know. Like, yes, they're tough,

but, like, the hoods of Baltimore are much scarier than the hoods of Ireland, I would guess. And they don't have anyone as tough as Charlie Kirk in Ireland. No, no. So.

Yeah. It was very funny. They're like, he, there's something. They're actually going to be like, yo, I'm not interacting with this. Oh, no, no.

I'm just like, yeah, you're right, but I'm just like, I'm not supposed to be vaping or no. Oh, you could vape here. You could do whatever. All right, cool, cool. Yeah, I had sex to the lady on this floor fucking last night, so you're good.

Just the floor? Just the floor? I did not have sex there on the couch. Nice. After being told not to and then watch the things on here because my roommate told me not to have sex on the couch. Yeah, because you would never do something, mate. Your roommate asked you not to. Because, God forbid someone drops a little bit of dip, but they're just like, it should be safe to pick this up in my mouth.

And it just got dried squirt and squirt and gum on it? Dude, I did have one time. Your ass sweat. that happened one time my roommate touched the couch and was like why is it's right it's crunchy

he was just like come on it wasn't my juice I think it was probably my ball sweater or something from banging on the couch but um you have a room here that's the craziest part

you didn't need to bang on the floor your room is like yeah but I don't have a TV where I could put Charlie Kirk annihilates NYU student is that what this Irish girl is into no no that was a different

that's a different thing We're like, shouldn't be talking about it, but she's great and lovely. That's all I'm going to say. Fuck yeah. There you go. Yeah,

he's not going to reveal his roster. No, no, we'll see, it's a complicated thing because she lives over there and I live here. Yeah, yeah.

I'm just trying to cover my own ass from my earlier comments now. Let's deflect to Michael for a minute. Oh, you're good, dude. No, no, it's just women are less intelligent

and that's what you think. And that's what you believe and that's what you stand on. Isn't that what we all believe? No. I believe that they're okay. at what they do. At what they do.

They're bad at what. This is funny because this is what women think every podcast is. We're just, we're fucking dumb bitches, aren't they? They're fucking dumb,

sluts. Yeah, why should all go back to the kitchen and shut up? The one that was fucking funny. You see that one guy, it was the same podcast

you're talking about. There was this girl on there as like a lesbian and she's like, well, you know, you talk about traditional life, but like your wife

has like five baby mommas and he's like, you're a fucking dyke. Like, you're just flivvery. Carpet. Yeah, You mean fucking snizz.

She's like... Yeah, snizz. I never heard that shit in my life. Oh, Snizz? No, I never heard of my life. That's a good white trash one. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah.

I had it like, I really stopped and I was just like, I watched it again just to hear him say sniz. Like, it wasn't me like watching him get angry. I was like, that he just, that's also such a weird slang to throw out angrily. You know what I mean? Not cunt. Snizz. Yeah, you over here eating box. You're over here just licking clam.

Like, you know what I mean? It's like a weird. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking munching. dash just eating that sweet lesbian pussy oh my god I wish I can fucking have some of that but hey don't say

that about my wife that is the crazy thing though is like everybody wants to have their opinion on gender rules but I feel like everybody likes to pick and choose little things you know what I mean like if you're super like traditional gender rules there's still some things about like progressive gender roles that you want to like

nitpick you know yeah but and vice versa I should be able to vote yeah like oh yeah my wife could work she can make a lot of money I don't need to pay for everything. But then flip side, like a girl who's like, I want untraditional gender roles, but she still wants her a dude to fucking buy over shit.

Yeah. I mean, like everyone likes to fucking nitpick. Yeah. I like pay everythings if I can, but I had a woman take me out to dinner a couple times, and I was like, this is fucking awesome. It feels good, honestly. I dated a rich chick,

and when I just graduated college for a little bit, she was younger than me too. It was crazy. But it was fucking awesome. This little Mexican, who gave me chlamydia. Wait, first of all, the committia part,

what didn't shock me, are rich Mexican? Yeah, brother. Taking out for steak dinners, took me to Cancun, it was... Are you sure it was... Are you sure she didn't have

sour cream in her pussy? It's cream friege, poppy. It's cream friege. It's called the taco. That's the slagger taco. Yeah, is this saviche? Let me just... It smelled like Covee.

Yeah, no, I like, I am the point where it's like, I am like, like, I'm a will. I'm Will Pwins today. You can go up. I'm the place today. Can I have the chicken nuggets? Thank you, Mom.

That's fucking, yeah, I got a lot of issues. But was she from Mexico? Her mom was, but she was from here. Okay, she can be Mr. Zach. No, but, dude. I should love some little Selena. It was the first girl where I've always had this fantasy of having a Latina call me poppy.

And she was the first one that did it. It was like, you know, the meme where it's like nut and they press the button. Yeah. Dude, it was just like that. As soon as she said, it was like, oh,

finish. Dude, that's like this neighborhood here, bro, there's this grocery store just run by like fucking sexy Latinas who like barely speaking English. I'm like,

Chris Kimbeck needs to fucking come in. This is what podcast is about, man. Yeah. Women are dumb. We love Latinas. I wish, I wish I had the same feeling about the word poppy.

Really? Yeah, because my mom spoke Spanish. So it's like, I heard it all the time. So now it's like, I don't even want a Spanish girl to call me popy,

you know what I mean? Like, it's kind of like, if you call me by my government properly. Yeah. With no accent, I'm like, oh, that's fucking hot. It's so taboo that you're speaking English. But is it, I think... You're Honduran, right? You're Honduran, yeah.

I do think a broken English daddy would be hot, too. Badly? Yeah. Could be hot. Maybe it's just the Spanish accent. It doesn't matter what they're fucking saying. It's just the Spanish accent's hot as fuck. I didn't think I loved accents until, like,

because Spanish doesn't really do a lot for me. Sure. Like, I think it's hot, but, like the Irish one just ran, which you would never expect to be. Oh, you're gonna fucking thrash me, aren't you? Don't you, aren't you, Michael Good?

You're gonna fucking give me a really good one. I'd like me one of the grossest accents. If you had to pick the most disgusting accent, Irish might be the top of the list. On the opposite, Russian accents aren't hot to me. Oh, no, Russian accent's hot. I think they're gross. I'm like, I don't know.

You sound like your name she board. It's like a weird like dominatrix vibe, though. You know what I mean? Well, I do like that. If you had a Russian dominatrix, that's like the ultimate because it's like a, a commanding accent, you know what I mean?

Yeah, but I like, I mean, a lot of the porn I like is that and I'm like, I don't want to pay in fucking Russian francs. And I'm also like, I don't know, it's weird to me because I'm like, to me, it's so not taboo because I'm like,

you guys are Russian, this is just what you do. You just, you just spank guys in basements. That's not taboo for you. But you see, like, dude, I'll be honest, I did something crazy last week.

I, uh, there was a dominatrix I liked her videos and I, I paid her to just face time, which is, it's so crazy. We live in a world.

where you can meet the porn stars that you've jerked off to. So I fucking pay her and I'm not proud of it. But I fucking FaceTimed her and just jacked off to this woman. I'm like, this is so insane that like somebody that I jerked my dick off to and I'm a kid, I'm talking to in person. Not in person, but like over the phone. How much does it cost? We're not going to get into DJ.

Oh, my. It was like 100 bucks. Wasn't bad. For a whole. For how long? I'm a FaceTime call. I mean. Wait, how long?

How long was the call? Oh, I came pretty fast. It was like, first off like a call. Well, no, like she was like 100 bucks. You can talk to me for half an hour. it was half an hour, but we ended up talking for like an hour probably. Oh, so she thought she was cool. Yeah, well, it's...

Fuck it. Look at you. She was just talking to you after. Mr. charisma. Yeah, well, it's just funny, too. She's like, she's like, she's like, a Southern, like, Texan woman. She's like, I think that, like, it's so brave you do comedy. I'm like, I just jacked off in front of you and spanked my ass. I was like, I just, I promise you, comedy is a lot less vulnerable than what I just did.

I was like, I was like, it is way less embarrassed. I'm way more embarrassed now than I am ever on stage. here's the part I want to know Did you jerk off and then talk Or did you talk and then jerk off And that was the end of the call Both because before we were like Establishing kind of like role play kind of stuff

It was just like a screening call And then it was like I jacked off I didn't know she's gonna show me her tits and pussy And I was like oh this is so crazy It was just so crazy That somebody I jerked my little dick to When I was a kid

You're like watching You're talking to them Yeah And then we had a conversation It made me feel better about shit Because she's like You have no idea how many dudes Are like fucking like

served in Afghanistan and want to be put in a diaper. It's like, it's like, it's like, she's like it's like it's, she's like it's like it's like it's like, it's like it's all like dudes. Because for me it's like I think because of comedy my threshold for embarrassment is so high. Yeah. So I like to sort of be embarrassed because it's like it's like a rush. Yeah. Um, it's a little bit like it's like damn bitch. You got me.

Yeah. Yeah. Like you're at charge of that. And she's like yeah, dude, there's like fucking CEOs. There's like all these kind of things. These, it's always these fucking. I'm just, I'm just covering for me being a fucking way. Like it's all alpha males that are.

doing what I'm doing. Man, I can't imagine that post nut conversation. People would just scream outside. I'm like, I was like, listen, I'm like engaged. I'm like, yeah! I think two hobos fucked in the trash room the other day. Oh, this is the same guy. He does his rounds because I was hanging out with a friend, like,

probably about a mile away and I heard him yelling over there. I was like, yeah, I was like, oh, okay, what time was he here last night? He was like seven. I was like, oh, at nine he was over here. So the guy just yell. He makes his way yelling. Yeah, it sounds like he's turning into. a werewolf. He's like, help.

So he's like homeless pro reverer? Yeah, basically. Yeah. The aliens are coming. Yeah. Well, it's like, it's funny too, because he's the little boy that cried werewolf because it's like, dude, you're going to keep yelling for help. You did it so many times. You do need help. You are not lying.

We need to bring back mental facilities, like state run mental wards. Yeah. People like that, dude, round them up and fucking send him up there. That's why Mondani's here, bro. He's not going to do this. He's going to, he's going, gonna put all the crazy... He's gonna give them jobs at the MDA. He's like, you gotta hot?

Your next stop is, I'm like, oh shit, I'm about to miss my stuff. Yeah. Stand clear of the closing portals. They're not doors. They're to another dimension. My arm is stuck in here. You'll be fine.

Yeah. Yeah, it is. That is the one thing I'm really not comfortable with is I don't, I don't, the whole social worker thing, it doesn't, and I don't know enough about it, but I doesn't seem... Like it's helpful? No, they're like, yeah,

we'll have like a social worker talk to like a domestic dispute. I'm like the last thing they want is somebody to be like, how do we work through these? It's like when a guy's like clocking his wife, it's like you don't need somebody like, what made you feel that way? Right. Yeah, some dude eats the shit out of his wife.

She's like, we should talk about our feelings and process this. It should be two things. It's like, you know, why are you hitting her second? What did you do wrong? Yeah. So what did you do? Yeah. Let me see the casserole.

Okay, this is not that burned. I think you're, I think you're overreacting. Yeah, sir. You know, dude, be a grown-up, eat the fucking burnt parts and stop hitting the bitch. That's fine. God, I can't imagine

go to a restaurant with this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, but it gets a little bitter. The social worker's like eating it. This is good. I don't even know what you're hitting her over for. And then they take another bite like, bitch, did you add goldfish?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think it's just one of those things where do people, I guess stun guns are those, but like trank guns just seem, you know. I say more fentanyl because that just keeps some more. Fentanyl and. And state-run mental facilities, dude.

We can just send people up there, do fent all day, hang out. They got those little fucking stations where they could get high at now. Oh, really? So they got those little buildings that are just like, all right, we don't want you just going around anywhere getting high. Like, here's a controlled area where you could fucking just get smacked. Yeah. They need to be way harder on stimulants because that's not helping anybody. So, you know, cut out the crystal, cut out the crack.

Keep that. I mean, I think the fent was invented by the government disorder just, you know. I think every homeless person deserves at least. one vape. One vape. One vape per month. And they gotta make it last. I think we should make the Fent stronger, so more of a overdose. Yeah. That's impossible.

It's not. There's a new medication that apparently is stronger than Fent. Yeah, but these guys, you're talking to the leading experts in Fentinaol. This is like, that's like being like, oh, I'm going to make weights that are so strong that Arnold Schwarzenegger can't lift him. It's like, come on. These guys went to Harvard for crack. Yeah. Yeah. They are. The Olympians of drug use? Yes.

So they're going to be good. Yeah, they're going to be phenomenal. Fucking, oh, fuck. I was thinking about something about drug related, but now I lost it, man. Fuck. You got this. I don't know. Where's your beer?

Take a sip, it'll help you think. Not. Fuck, not lost it. Eh, it is what it is. Fine. I'll just keep embarrassing myself about gross sex things I've done. Terrible things that you've done. Yeah.

My favorite thing about being a good thing. on here is literally, I feel like I get to interview you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, I've seen you so long. I'm like, yo, tell me about what's happening with you. Yeah, I am doing well despite everything I say and how I look and how I act. But yeah, no, I'm pretty happy and pretty busy. And I'm excited.

I'm feeling the Christmas spirit. Like, I know, that was it. Fagg. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a little Christmas fag elf. And I just, I don't know. want to put my little ears on and just be gay and adorable.

I will say, the crazy thing about Ireland is, because they don't do Thanksgiving, they just, Christmas just, like, started there. I never thought about that. I'm like, oh, you guys just skipped through the Thanksgiving. Oh, and the places that don't have fucking freedom like us? Yeah. You know, we're the only former British colony who fought for our freedom? Everybody else was granted their freedom. We're the only

ones that fucking shot our way to it. Because we're fucking different, bro. Because we're bad ass. We're fucking America, bro. I've been thinking about that lately. Like, if you your ancestry is from America like the people who are from here are migrated here

are the craziest fucking people on the planet. You know what I mean? They've been through the craziest shit like it makes sense that we all because I feel like all Americans have this like fuck you, you can't tell me what to do I'm like push through

fucking badass mentality some of them are just fucking bums but you know what I mean that you don't get in other countries like other countries their governments like, we're gonna charge you a license for a TV and they're like, okay, chriotie. Here's my fucking TV license. And here, like, fuck you.

We're gonna go fucking put our assault rifles over our shoulders and storm the capital building. Suck my dick. But that's how dope fucking America is, bro. America makes you a better you. Yeah. Like fucking. Especially New York, dude.

New York, I feel like brings the best and the worst out of you. Literally. Because like, I feel like New York makes you good. Just anywhere in America makes you good because like fucking. Selena is fucking from was born in America And for some She got shot by her

By the leader of her fan Fan group But yeah She was fucking from here But she had to learn to speak And singing Spanish first And then go back to Mexico Sing over there

And then come back to be a better Mexican here That's how dope America is It makes you a better Version of the like the stereotypes that you were Yeah dude Fucking nice And that is the thing too Where it's like

I will be honest dude I see the like Fuente's as like a million Instagram followers. I'm like, that is scary. Yeah. But I've got banned from Instagram. No, it's Twitter, I guess. But I am also like, I don't think

a Nazi could, I don't think it could happen in America because it's like so, like, we just don't like being told what to do, but Germans are very much like, yeah, but do you want to me to, I would do like anything. Julie Castor. They're autistic and they need structure. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Julie Cassner has a great bit about that. She's like, oh, to a German play. And like, they're like, silence your cell phone. Every single person silenced their cell phone. In America, nobody would fucking do that. Yeah, all right, go fuck yourself. Yeah. No, that's what

I love the, like, rugged individualism of the United States. I feel like it's pretty cool. Yeah. You get more interesting, inventive, innovative, creative people here, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Well, New York's the best. It's like the best. It's with people, like, move to New York, like, oh, the stand-ups too hard here. It's like, well, then you couldn't hack it. It's like, it is terribly hard here. This city is fucking sink or swim.

Literally, when you think you're doing good, it's like, nah, there's fucking somebody pulling you back. underneath the water. And there's five other people doing better than you waving down at you. They're like, you want a hand? Ha-ha. Nah, you got this, bro. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's very much. And I, in stand-up, I had to throw out, like, half my jokes because I was like, oh, there's

like nine other white dudes doing the exact same. Dude, okay, so when I moved here, I was doing comedy for two years back in Nebraska, and, like, two years there, you're a fucking veteran. You know what I mean? Because people just don't really stick with it that long. And I'd start, started getting to the point where I was like, oh, dude, I probably got like a solid, like, 20, 30 minutes.

I'm fucking, I'm going to stroll into New York. It might be a little rough for the first couple of months, but I'm going to fucking breeze my way through this. After my first open mic, I was like, I don't even have five minutes. It's insane. I don't have one funny joke. Yeah, yeah. Like, the level here is just so different.

It's crazy. Wait, have you done comedy in Honduras? No, I did comedy in Ireland, Iceland, and that's it. I didn't do it. No, I was supposed to do it in Mexico. Okay. Mexico City. comedy in Spanish? I did comedy in Spanish a little bit. I did to some Spanish open mics.

Yeah. But like the way my jokes are structured in a certain way, I have to, and I'm not a super fluent speaker. So I'm just like, I have to really re-look at all my shit and then say in a certain way or find the right way to properly pronounce it. I was going to ask how difficult that was. It's fucking crazy, bro. It's like, it's a lot. Because then it's like, you think in a normal English structure of like how you're going to say this, but like there's certain words that have to be moved in a certain way. You're just like, oh, if I'm doing it like this, I'm just sound kind of ignorant, but like, I'm not really talking to them. It's just kind of like they're hearing this guy speak Spanish,

but not talking in Spanish. Well, also, it seems like such a struggle is like, in comedy, it's like you always got to put the funniest word at the end of the sentence, which is very hard to the sentence structure. Because sometimes, like, the funniest word's an adjective, it's hard to put an adjective at the end of the sentence. And then the sentence structure in Spanish is got to be so different that, like, sometimes the sentence might not make sense

if you have the funniest word at the end of it, but it's just got to, you just got to, you have to sell that shit. And it's a lot more, like, I feel like, I feel like the more I travel doing comedy, I'm just like, I realize when I go to different places that, like, it's kind of like, or different rooms, that's like, it's different. Like, you could tell that people speak different languages. You're just like, I have to be more animated because, like, if I'm just standing there talking, they're like, I'm listening to words, but I don't really understand. But if you're like, but I was scared, they'd be like, oh. Oh, God, my God.

Don't be scared. You're here now. Yeah, that's, well, that's like such a part of the thing, too. Well, besides like Ralph Barbosa, but I love Ralph Barbosa. But Spanish comics are so much more animated. Yeah. Which is weird, though, because I am like, but you know, I wonder if that's because they're like, if English is not your first language, like physical expressions, an easier way to get a point across than, like, words.

Literally, because I feel like anybody that's, like, you speak another language or no? Yeah, no, a bit. A bit bit, but I'm a romanticized my stuff. Oh, yeah, you've been practicing. I like that shit. Yeah. My girl's impressed by your shit. Oh, that's great, yeah.

She's like, look at him. His structure's so good, Derek. You should try. I'm like. This thing I got all the tools in life. You're a rich. White privilege, God damn it. You can speak better Spanish than me

because they're white privilege. But it's like if you talk to somebody that doesn't speak English, like you kind of use your facial reactions a little bit more in your hands. It's like you need to go this way and go far. You start doing all this extra stretch and shit

so then they understand they're like, oh, fuck. When I was in Brazil trying to speak Portuguese, same thing. Yeah. Yeah. Gotta fucking use your whole body just to communicate and say, I want water. Yeah.

I look no more racist than when I'm trying to talk to somebody in a different language. You know what I mean? Like a Chinese guy and I'm like, It's a dude. You know, my trying like so hard. It's like... You speak the broken English back to them so they can understand. No, you go that way.

Yeah. That way you go. No, water is there. Well, that's one thing I was trying to comprehend because we assume, when we think of aliens, we assume of them just coming here and knowing anything. English, but why would they know English if they've never been here before? Like, you don't I mean? It's like, the only way you learn another language is usually through somebody who is

bilingual. And unless they have a bilingual alien teaching classes on wherever they're from. Oh, they got a mixed race alien up in space with them. Yeah. So it's like a half human, half alien. He's just like, mom, he's trying, like every person has a translator. Mom, he's just trying to say, don't invade Earth. Yeah. Like, they have a classroom where they got to start with being like, Apple. Yeah. That's so funny, the idea of aliens evading, you're trying to fucking communicate with that.

It's like, oh, fuck, dude. Like, English? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They would have no idea, and they might just have really annoying accents, too. Oh, man, can you imagine? They're like, worse than the Irish. And they're like, all right, yeah.

Still not worse than the Irish. They just sound like sad, drunk Mexicans. I need to help you more. That's kind of how I picture. I don't know why I picture. You picture the aliens of sad, drunk Mexican. Yeah, a little bit, yeah. Or like almost like Italian.

I don't know why I picked them like. We come to this earth to fucking invade you. Yeah. Yo, what's the saddest shit you guys ever saw on the train? Saddest? But like it was kind of like funny to you, but like it was still sad if you think about it from like a retrospect. It wasn't funny. I see couples like fighting a lot and then you're like, ah, like if you started swinging on her,

I got to break it up. something. That always gets tricky. Yeah. I do feel bad. There's a little person. I hate when you see a kid that's a little person because you're like, do you, you don't know, dude, you got to know that you're a little person, but you have, it hasn't affected you yet because it was your high. You just think you're fucking 10. Yeah. When I, uh, used to teach, but your face looks 50. I know. When I used to teach swim lessons, there was one of those. It was a kid who was also a little person and they got to sink so much, dude. They're pretty damn buoyant. That head floats. Oh. It was like you're fucking fishing. Yeah.

But their stubby little appendages have a hard time paddling. I'm sure. It's pretty sad. Yeah, it's like a wiener dog. But he was so, like, jolly and happy. And he was, he was like the nicest fucking kid. It's like, oh, the world hasn't corrupted you yet. I hope he keeps that.

You know what I mean? I need a midget friend. I feel like, I just, I feel like I deserve one at this point. I don't know why. Like, I just imagined myself one day just had a bar. And I got my midget friend and he just sits on my lap, and we just laugh and have shots and shit. Yeah, yeah.

Like, that'd be fine. Yeah. Yeah, bro. Like, just imagine that. He's just right there. You feel the warmth of his overgrown ass. Basically, you're like, didn't you run around one St. Patrick's day

with a midget in an Irish costume? Yeah. So this little person, you big it. Oh, that was a really funny thing I saw on stage. Like, some comic was talking about, yeah, you grab another one. Some comic was talking about how, what's his name fucked little people,

like Stephen Hawkins or whatever. And this girl goes, that's fucked up. He should not be fucking little people. And they're like, everybody's like, yes, I think he's little people.

She's like, they're not even adults. And like she didn't know that little people meant like midget and not like a child. So she was just so confused. Yeah. And she's had no idea

because everybody's like, we love little people, you know? Who would be taking advantage of who in that situation? You're saying a little person and, uh, and Stephen Hawking.

Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Who's the victim in that? Yeah, I don't know. It seems like a pretty even match if you had a pick.

Yeah. What was it? Also, I feel like we've said almost every slur on this podcast except for the N-word. We got a guy who could say it. Yo, I was asking just a whole bunch of random people one time. I was just drunk, having fun. And I was just like, yo, would you rather have sex with twins or a midget? Because one's technically incest.

Right. And then one's just sex with a midget. Well, the incest isn't on me. it's on the two girls. It still feels weird though. I matched with twins one time on field. And they were like, yeah, no, we like, I thought I was gonna get arrested for some reason

because I thought I was participating in incest if I, like, had sex with them. Which I don't think, I don't think anybody. Incest is like, it's not past, I don't think it's past, though. No, I don't think you can get put in jail for it. I don't think so.

Morally wrong. But then they were like, yeah, we like to eat each other's pussy. And I'm like, that's hot, but fucked up. And I'm like, I don't, like, because you guys are related. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's not my problem, but I feel weird participating. You technically abetted in incest. Right. I'm kind of greenlighting it, yeah. So it's like, but which one's worse? Or I guess like, which ones? I mean, I would rather fuck the twins. I think.

I don't know. Because then I feel like, like morally I know I helped to. Sure. Yeah, but they're eating each other like pussies. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But then you are kind of like, it is on them, but then you're also kind of like, oh, I just don't.

I'm just still kind of greenlighting this thing. I don't know. Or you invite them over and you go, no, stop fucking your sister. This is enough. This is gross. Look in the fucking mirror. You're fucking your sister. You guys are disgusting.

They're just like, bro, we're hot. Yeah. They wouldn't probably stop if you just really give them a stir. I have no idea. But they're just like, what are we doing? That's got to be the most narcissistic thing you could possibly do. Fuck your identical. win.

Yeah. Because it's like, oh, I'm so hot. I want to fuck me. That's basically what you're doing. Yeah, but that's fun.

That'd be hilarious. You just bring two twins back just to be like, no, don't do that. Yeah, that's disgusting. Like,

you took us all the way from the upper east side. Yeah. No. You fucking spray him with a squirt bottle like cats when they're cut it out.

No. Stop it. Yes, she has a good pussy. Stop licking your sister's pussy. Let me take turns. And then, yeah.

Get in there. Yeah. it's pretty wild. I mean, I think... Stop looking your sister's snizz. Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to see that guy in a room where two twins are eating each other's pussies and he's like, this is against the rule.

Like, you know what I mean? It's like, that guy would cave. What do you think Charlie Kirk would say to that? I got a weird view of him. Because like... He's like... Yeah, yeah, he would bring it to the Constitution. I don't know. I think he is like...

The Bible says in Genesis. Yeah, he's super annoying and lame. But I think he does seem like he has a good heart. I don't know Clip Michael Good Charlie Kirk supporter You saw it here first I don't know

He seems like You just got Kirked bro Boom A fucking red like stamp on the screen Everybody somebody agrees with him I'm like you getting

Kirked right now man Well it is a thing too Why don't you take a seat Yeah No sit down No no no I want to meet you I want to meet you Tell me how you feel about Charlie Kirk

We saw on your podcast That you said Charlie Kirk seems like a great guy Why don't you explain that He just seems like But I bet you the algorithm just flooding the good stuff of him now. So I'm like, oh, yeah, because he's

dead, you know what I mean? Like, well, it's also funny too, because like, the way he, like, he does present well, but it's just funny him just being like, you don't know, I really want to meet you, you dirty Mexicans to do. Like, you know what? He's like, he's like, no, no, no, no. Jesus invented you guys. I don't know why, but anyways, what do you have to say?

I did see a clip of him where it was like a gay Republican kid. He's like, what do you say to, like, other gay Republicans like me who feel like they don't have a place because gay people don't like us because Republicans don't like us because we're gay. Like, do you think we have a place amongst the Republican Party? He's like, well, first of all, I think your lifestyle is morally wrong, according to the Bible.

But I happily welcome you to the Republican Party. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right? It's a very confusing thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to also be honest, I didn't even really know who this fucking guy was until he got shot. Oh, I talked so much shit about him before you die. Like, I just, everyone was like, fuck Charlie Kirk. I'm like, who the fuck is that, dude?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to stay pretty off the internet to be really. real deal. That's good. I try and the next thing you know Epstein stuff and I'm just like I want to know more. Oh, is it list out yet or no? I don't think it's a list. I think it's just going to be funny email. We're not going to get the real list anyway. Come on. They've been holding that shit for so long. You know they fucking scrubbed and fake that shit. We're not getting the real list. They're not fucking Bill Clinton's not going down.

Are you kidding me? I just want to see it. I just want to see a little bit of it, bro. Our hearts are going to be broken. I wish and I hope it's a, I hope it's in script and a nice like fountain pen. That would be like number one. Adam Sandler. What if it's somebody beloved on the top of list, like Morgan Freeman? That would suck. But then, actually no, it would suck.

But like, I was like, I'm like, damn, Morgan, Morgan be out. Somebody that everybody in America loves. I think even if you're racist, you hear a fucking nature documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman, you're like, you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't think nobody that doesn't like Morgan. I think everybody that's racist makes exceptions. I'm sure they're like... Oh, for sure.

Like, Alabama has a good black quarterback, you know, there? Yeah. All right, all right, all right. I like him. Yeah. Number 38? Yeah. He's one of them good ones.

Well, I bet you too, like, Epstein's whole thing was he was like kind of a blackmailer. And I bet you his whole thing to his... I don't think an agent, but an asset. So I think, like, he was like... Would give them information. But I bet you so much of his shit was people doing gay stuff. And then it just became okay to be gay. And he's like, fuck.

he's like ah fuck yeah i guess nobody thinks what you did is wrong anymore i have no dirt on anybody besides like certain people yeah you know he was so mad when kevin spacy got out he's like god damn it he was he was the top of my list yeah that was gonna be great yeah everybody gets has to get adjusted like one of the big things was bill clinton in the dress and then clinton could easily like swing that now i've been like i've been secretly transgender for the last 40 years and people like he's a hero oh for sure yeah Yeah, he could easily, what were you going to say? I just, I just braved out.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a, I don't know, it's one of those things, too, where it's like, I bet you it's not all pedophilia, but like... It's just old gay shit. Yeah, but there's probably a lot of that. I mean, the funny, I will say this, the funniest idea is the idea of Trump, like... Blowing a horse. Really blowing Bill Clinton. That is great, but also the idea of Trump with no pants on in a button down, just like the next morning, walking out of one of those rooms, just like, oh, fuck, like, where are my keys?

Like, you know what I just go through? like Trump walking out with bed head. He's just like he's doing the walk of shame. He's walking off the island. He's like, God damn Bill really did me and did a number of me. Well, dude, so the thing I saw online, which is not better at all, was that they were saying they confirmed that Bubba was not Bill Clinton. It was actually what they called the horse on the island. A horse was named Bubba.

So what that implicates is that he didn't suck Bill Clinton's dick, but he did blow a horse. Yeah. Which I think is worse? I'll be honest. Honestly, it's gayer. The fact that you suck a different species dick is pretty gay. Yeah.

I think it is gayer, but it's also like, it is worse than sucking Bill Clinton. You shouldn't fuck animals. But blowing a horse is not the same as ass fucking a horse. I think the horse probably has a good day if you blow it. That's true. It doesn't even think.

You really improved the horse's mood. Yeah, he's just chilling there. Like, he's just eating. They're almost so stupid that you can fuck. That sounds like. There's almost like it's one of those things that you're like,

if you fucked a horse or sucked a horse's dick or had a horse fuck your pussy, it's like that horse. Does he doesn't even know? He doesn't even know what's happening. Also, I think his constituency would probably rather have him suck the horse's dick than Bill Clinton's.

Oh, for sure, yeah. I didn't suck a damn Democrats dick. Especially if it was like a beautiful stallion. It's like, yeah, this is one of- A beautiful American stallion. That man is a patriot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's, yeah, it's pretty gross. But it's also, it's so weird because you think of Trump as being, but maybe he's like one of those guys that, like, the top people like to be dominated. Maybe it's one of those things that, like, because he hates being humiliated in public. And no man was strong enough to dominate him,

so he had to go to a horse. Yeah, it goes to the animal kingdom. He's like, yeah, if I suck the guy's dick, it would be the best dick suck ever. So I had to suck something even stronger than a man, a horse. Something stronger, more majestic, more beautiful. Everyone says so. It won't talk back after I finish blowing.

I am let down by the amount of UFO stuff that hasn't came out this week because I was like, dude, the Trump Epstein stuff he's gonna show up in a flying saucer breastfeeding a baby like, oh, you guys want to talk about the Epstein stuff? That's fine. We could do that. Dude, what if like the same day they dropped the Epstein stuff

they drop like concrete proof like, yep aliens to like detract from all the obscene stuff? Well, that's what they did. Like I think there's a pretty strict timeline with that it's like alien stories come out whenever Epstein. Like it's like they have a list of shit that they're like, all right, we'll just kind of drop this in just to kind of distract.

But they really haven't, they've had terrible distractions with this, this Epstein stuff, I don't know. What are they trying to distract with? I haven't seen anything interesting. I don't know, they're like somebody from subway takes. I mean, I go on Twitter before this podcast sometimes and I'm like, fucking nothing happened this week besides the Epstein stuff. Like, you know.

Someone on subway takes did something. It was just like a woman that's like, the whole thing is you're supposed to have wild takes. She's like, everybody should be addicted to one thing. Just try out getting addicted to something. Oh, I've seen that video. Yeah, then she's, you know, because she's in some kind of, I think, I don't know if she's an actress or whatever, but people are just

like, this is disgusting. They're like, I'm now addicted to crystal meth. They're not saying. It's your fault. Yeah, yeah. People just love, I don't know. It's, it's funny because the internet is made for you to say retarded shit on this. It's so fun to say stupid things and do a microphone. And you're like, everybody can see this. I'm going to get in trouble

on podcast because I like to just come on hear and say the wildest things because, like you said, it's fun. Yeah, yeah. I mean, three minutes in, calling all women retarded children. Yeah, yeah. Like, do I genuinely feel that way? you do. No, of course not. But it's fun to say,

you know what I mean? Yeah, of course. Yeah, it wouldn't be fun if we just talked about our day, you know? Even though my days are awesome and I'm fucking jerking off to Southern Texas and we're like, you are a bad boy. Dude, what was that post? Like, just give me a minute to wipe up and then we can have a conversation.

I don't know why I made you Jewish. My goodness, there's come all over my schmeckle. Like, Volt, I got to clean up this mess real quick. It's cold in here. Dude, I think that might be the most fun voice to do. It's very fun, yeah.

And it's one of the last ones I feel like we as white guys can do. I do all of them, but I'm not going to do. No, that's a certified white guy voice. You guys could do that shit. I feel like you know what I'm blinking eye. The only people that will get upset are Jewish people, but no one really cares what they think right now. I'm pretty bad. They are not popular right now, dude.

I'm pretty bad at most. I'm pretty bad at black voices. I'm pretty... Do one right now. I'll be look. He's doing a black voice. If I do like a lower one, I can do.

I'll call my brother's big, hey, with some man, yeah, you just give me a call him. You just think

that black guys have deep voices. They usually do have deeper voices. You were right. Some black guys have high voices. Yeah, I'm like,

but it sounds more racist if I go higher from like, yeah, what up, brother? I see, that one. Ah, she.

It sounds more racist that I'm like, yeah, what's some man, we can pick up the phone. Yeah, just hit me back up, man.

It's like, I don't know, but black guys, they do, anytime I do crowd or he's a black guy. It's like, it's like James Earl Jones is in the back of the room. I'm like, this is the deepest voice I've heard.

Good friend. Yeah. But I always make fun of those guys too. It's always fun. Like, just a deep voice motherfucker I just get so mad. I'd be like, why are you coming in here with this deep voice? I'm like, you knew he was going to get called on. Bro, I saw a crackhead on the street the other day who should have been

narrating movies. He had like one of the deepest richest voice. He's like, yeah, you better get back here and give me a fucking dollar. I was like, oh shit. My favorite's that one. There's one of McDougal who's like blinded one eye.

Fettie Wop. Yes, he sounds like... He's like... Yeah, he sounds like Cleveland Jr. where it's like kind of deep and high at the same time. One time I was like walking by he was like, fuck you comedy faggot.

It was so far. I was like doing nothing. He's like... Can that be the title of your first album? Fuck you comedy. Faggat. Yeah. I would have that guy open my special up.

I'd be like, man, he's a good guy. Real nice guy. One time I kicked him, but Hey, let's keep his head for the comedy faget, Michael. Yeah. Well, he like, it was like a sour patch kid's thing where at first he was sour,

then he was sweet, because he kicked me, and he's like, hey man, get some money. And I was like, uh, you just kicked me. He goes, I did. He's like, I'm sorry about that, man. I was like, yeah, I was like, I forgive you, man. That's crazy for him to just kick you.

Yeah, he like, I think he did like a spin, like he did like a spin backwards. Oh, so it wasn't like he walked up and just, yeah. You got roundhouse kicked by a homeless nigga? Yeah, and it's front of the cellar too, so I was like, I'm not gonna like

fight a homeless guy in front of you. No, you should just go home after that. What the fuck you doing? What's still walking outside? Yeah, yeah. You gotta just hang it up for the day. Bro, fuck that shit. Dude, roundhouse kicked by him and then he's like,

can I say I have a dollar? Yeah, he's like, I'm sorry, man. That's how you know, he's just like, that wasn't even my strong kick. Yeah. I like you. Well, he also like, he's still, he's great dude.

He'll see me. He's like, hey, man, how would things go? Like, he's really nice to me now. He's like, yeah, I mean, look, crack is bad. To be fair, you never forget when you fucking roundhouse kick a white person. Yeah, it's a memory of.

It's his favorite pastime. It was like, you have to save it. You're like, I need to save this roundhouse kick. It's only going to work one time. Yeah, yeah. That would be cool if God gives everybody one roundhouse.

They're like, you can nail it one time. You don't know, like, that's the thing. You don't know when you're going to be able to use it. That's true. Everybody has one roundhouse kick And I feel like most people go through life without using it. And then you whiff the other 25 times you tried to do. Of course.

Is the bottom half your stomach intentionally out? What? No, but it is now. I didn't know, because I know like you go sockless and show your feet. It's not intentional. I'm not intentionally. I just got out of the show. Sometimes I have shoes on, sometimes I don't.

I'm not pandering. He goes, he goes, issueless for the foot fetish fans. It's not intentional. Yeah. Got some little grabber. don't you? It's literally not intentional because I have no idea what you're talking about.

Anyway, Patreon. Yeah. Can't wait to see that little censored bar on your fucking foot. Derek, what's your favorite accent to do? I think Dominican accent is always fun to do. Yeah.

It's always just like, yeah, Papa, kept out with you. That's pretty great. Yeah, that's pretty great. So what happened is, well, I just went, I came to Michael Gould House, and he gave me a beer and I kept on talking,

talking let us talk and let us talk a lot of time and that's why I'm not home. That's pretty solid. I used to try to do Leo, but he doesn't not say the N words. Yeah. Sentence in his voice. I miss Leo, dude. Yeah, same here. Dude, me and Leo used to fucking go out and just get drunk together and run around and he was

a good time. He was a good dude until he shot that guy. Yeah. I still think he's good dude, even though he shot that guy. I don't even know if he did. That's true. Allegedly. Allegedly. My favorite thing he did is, what kind of time he came over to the podcast? And he went to take a shit. And then he starts blaring rap music. Bro, I don't want to have you hear me shit.

And I was like, it was like, you're the toughest guy, but you don't want, you don't want somebody to hear you. That's called hook courtesy, bro. I don't think it was, I think he was insecure about him dumping. But I'm like, you're the toughest guy. I don't know. Yeah, dude, on my hinge profile, there's a video of me and Leo hanging halfway out of car going across the Brooklyn Bridge.

That is pretty sick. Yeah, it's pretty fun. He's a good guy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, who even knows about the other guy? The other guy probably sucks. The other guy probably was a son of a bitch.

The other guy was not Charlie Kirk. I'll tell you that much. Leo is Charlie Kirk, right? Yes. Well, we are, all of us. We are. We still are Charlie Kirk. Yeah.

Anybody who tells the truth is what that is. Yeah. Like when I, I think Charlie Kirk would have been really proud about me talking about jerking off in front of that Southern woman. He said like, this is freedom of speech. This is what you were supposed to do as an American. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

I wonder what his weird sex thing was, because all those guys have something. Yeah, I think there's a weird It's probably Being told that he's using microaggressions You know what I mean? They're like no Charlie Kirk I am a they He's like, they's Johnny

Oh, I'm gonna come They made me come There are 90 genders Charlie No, there's not Or it could be the up Just his wife like yeah You own that liberal college girl so hard And he's like yeah I fucking did

Are you fibrill verses Yeah Yeah Reby John 316 Yeah. The first time I really even learned or figured out who Charlie Kirk was was when South Park parried him. They made Cartman Charlie Kirk. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's why Comedy Central has literally no fucking balls because they took down that episode. By the way, Charlie Kirk said he liked the episode. And they were like, oh, we're taking it down because you got shot. And you're like, okay, so you're not even doing what the man wanted. Yeah. Yeah. Versus us who carry the plane. Well, that's why Comedy Central is like about to die, dude.

Yeah. I mean, the shit streams on Paramount now anyway. Yeah. Yeah. I think Comedy Central's fucking on the way to the toilet, dude. Which is funny as a kid because I was like, one day I'd be on Comedy Central. I'm like, no, I will not ever be on Comedy Central. And if you get on Comedy Central, everybody's like, why did you do that?

Yeah, yeah. You're not posting a TikTok. Yeah, you could have done anything else. Literally, dude. But you want to go back to Comedy Central. How the Giants Fall. Yeah. What do you think is going to be the thing that's hot now that is irrelevant in like 20 years?

Probably in Instagram Reels, I would say. Maybe talking. People are like, why you're in your mouth, dude. I think people are just going to start putting their fingers in each other's ears, and then we'll just be able to understand people from there. That would be sick. I mean, I don't want people's fingers in my ear, but it would also be nice to just understand.

Finger condoms? Yeah, little gloves. Like a little thin one, so you can still feel them like... There are any finger condoms available now? Bear skin, finger gloves, yeah. Yeah, it is weird that the nose and the... It's very funny because, like, God is like, you could fuck the mouth, you can fuck the ass, you can fuck the pussy,

but he's like, you can't fuck the nose. And he... Like, he made the holes specifically not small enough for penises. or too small for penises. Oh, yeah, they're definitely too small. Because it is like, I mean, a mouth is just a perfect thing to put your wiener inside. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like built for it.

Also, hands. Think about your fucking hand, dude. Hand is built to exactly the top of the penis head to come out of. Or, you know, a little further, you know. But like, you know what I mean? It's kind of like, yeah. Yeah, it's like, it's like a nut bolt situation. You know what I mean?

You ever like look at your dick in your hand? You're like, damn, this is like a perfect lock almost. You know what I mean? it's like, you know what I'm saying? I gave you a saying, mine just doesn't stick out of my fist. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, mine goes to the second finger. Dude, when I first started,

I was a wacky as kid, I had to use like two fingers, yeah. Well, I was joking, but now it's sad. Sorry, I didn't have a hog when I was. Well, it's actually because I was so sexually advanced, I was jerking off as a baby, so. Yeah. Yeah. Nice.

Right in the womb. Yep, yeah, but right when I came out, yeah. You're like, I left something for you, mom. Yeah, we got another kid Come back out Oh man, did your parents Ever find your crunchy socks? No.

No, but in time My dad caught me jerking off And probably three minutes before that Was me trying to suck my own dick When I was like 11 And then like, thank God Did he catch you trying to suck your own dick? No, thank you.

But he's heard this podcast enough That he knows I've done it Or tried to, I can't reach, but Did you get pretty close? No, no Imagine your dad doesn't want to drink off you Just because you try to suck your own dick Yeah

Yeah. your dad walked in on you, whacking it? Yeah. Yeah. You should not like lock the door or something or? No, there's a computer room upstairs and you got to whack it to the computer. And the computer was in a room that there wasn't a door to. So, you're like, Dad, get out of here.

No, that's more. He was like, you have a sister. Like, you know, you shouldn't be doing that up here. You have a sister? That's what who's his. So he didn't even tell you. He didn't even tell you not to do it. He's just like, be more considerate when you're doing this.

Yeah. Well, it's also like, I mean, like, Dad, I'm going to jerk off. You know I'm going to jerk off. Yeah. Yeah. But again, he has a sister. Yeah, so it was just not jerk off and then fucking. Actually, can you send her in here?

That actually might help. Jesus. That was very funny. Thank you. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not going back for Thanksgiving, not because of this podcast, but. Sure. Are you going back?

Yeah. my first time in three years. Oh, nice. You haven't been back in a while, dude. I'm so proud of you. Thanks, buddy. Yeah. Well, my grandma turned 75 the day before, and I turned 30, two days before. And my mom told me if I wasn't home for my 30th birthday, my grandma's 75th birthday, that she would disown me. Dang. It'd be like that, bro. So I'm going home.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To the motherland? To the motherland. You know, I was just there last week. dude, I left Monday and my flight is Sunday. So I didn't even get into New York until Tuesday and I'm fucking leaving on Sunday. So when I left Nebraska, I was like, I'll see you guys later this week.

What is it to do to Nebraska? Like, be honest with me. Get drunk. I love that. Like, that's, you can do that everywhere besides, I guess Saudi Arabia, you can do that now. Yeah. I mean,

because I think I'd never been to Nebraska. We have a really good zoo. And if you like baseball, we have the college world series. Okay. If you have money, you might be there for the Berkshire Hathaway. stockholders, shareholders meeting.

Because I've been to Nashville. That was probably the widest place I've been to. But, well, I'm just like, I feel like Nebraska's like right up there. Pretty white, brother. Except, you know, Malcolm X was from a born in Omaha. Hey, he was born there. He didn't have to stay there. Saddenated by the Nation of Islam,

which we talked a lot on the last episode, Yacoub and such. Sure, yeah. Like, there's a Mount Rushmore of black guys. I feel like he's on it. And he's from there. Okay. So, you know. You know the guy who made the Mount Rushmore was in the Klu-Glux Klan?

Really? Yeah. That's why those white faces are so detailed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, the nose are narrow. Yeah. We're making the lips tiny. But, yeah, guns, and we do, like, tubing, tanking.

It's like when you just get in a tube or like an old, like, horse feed tank, cow feed, trough, whatever, and you float down the river and drink. I kind of always wanted like a one really white summer. So like just drinking PBRs and like dirt biking or like this summer. ATVs are actually like white like that's my dream. Like I have a white trash summer. But those are my favorite black music videos when dudes are riding ATVs. Like there's some Gucci main videos.

TI what you know about that. Dude. Watching black guys do white trash shit is the fucking coolest thing to say. Oh yeah. My stepdad, he's an alcoholic. He hasn't drank in a couple years. He's doing good. Shout to him.

We used to get hammered and watch black guys listen to Metallica for the first time on YouTube. Oh, he's kind of funny. He loved just seeing like hood black dudes. He's like, shit's pretty good. He's like, yeah.

Because it makes you feel good. You're like, oh, I don't have garbage. Like I'm not alone. Yeah. Yeah. See,

that is the fucking bullshit-ass effect you guys have is you're so fucking cool that all the shit you do is cool. So like when a white dude sees that a black dude thinks it's cool that, and it's something he likes. He's like, yeah, I'm kind of cool, too. But it's something like when we see a white guy being cool, we're like, fuck, this guy's good, bro. When I said, like, one time I went to your old apartment and then you just like, I fucking love Acon.

And we just started listening to Acon like three songs back to back. I was like, fucking Michael is good, bro. I appreciate that. You literally had like, what, four other black comics that were just like, Michael knows his shit. Dude, as a white dude, nothing feels better than black validation. Yeah, well, I think because it's like, you assume it's the same thing.

This is similar. It's not as high of praise. But like because I'm a broie guy when like a super hipster person like hipster girl says I'm cool, I'm like, oh, okay, there's no. Because you just assume people don't. Like I just assume, because there's obviously a lot of black people that don't like white people.

So you just assume, so finding out somebody you think might not like you likes you feels nice. Yeah. I made that really unfunny and really sweet. But yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm going to just tell you this. White validation does not feel the same as black love.

I didn't see so. I feel like white validation is more like, oh, I'm safe. Like, anytime I'm like singing yellow card and someone's just like, yeah, you know it. I'm like, fuck. They know I know it. I feel like you guys try to, you guys like white shit, but you try to hide it. No, but like we don't because like there'll be moments we're at a black function. And then you just be like, you know, somebody play this shit.

And then somebody's just like, that's that shit. And it's just fucking this girl singing, I got a pocketful of sunshine. You're like, fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We like white shit. White shit is fun sometimes. Yeah, but she doesn't like to admit that you like white shit. He just did.

Yeah. Not often, I feel like. There's some guys that would be like, I'm like, I'm this type of guy. I like white shit. But it's just like, someone's just like, I like a couple of yeah shit. Yeah. And then we smile to ourselves, we're like, I should never told you. Yeah.

I think there probably is a thing where there are probably a lot of black secrets. They're like, we just can never tell white people some of this stuff. Yeah, like name one. Well, you can't. Come on. The podcast. We can't, man. I can't do it.

But that's more fun. And you know, I'm like, I'm barely, they want to take my black card all the time. My last thing Gonzalez, bro, so I'm on the fence. Yeah. Yeah. And the Spanish comics, they'll be like, bro, you, no. Spanish comics don't want you.

The black comics don't want you. No, the black comics want me. Oh. Yeah. Spanish comics, they'll be like, we don't know what to do. Yeah. Well, what is like the, you always have a place with the white comics, Derek. You're welcome with us.

Thank you. That's meaningless to him. Wait, how did, okay. Cheers, brother. Whee. No dabble. Just straight fucking skin to skin, bro. Give me skin.

What is like the black lineage in Honduras? Like how the slave trade or how does that? Slave trade. So it's a whole bunch of slave trade. And then it's just all around the coast. And then they kind of spread a little bit more into like the mainland, but that's really, that's really, yeah. We have a good population of black people.

But, like, as a kid, I always remember just going to my family's house. I'm like, oh, Honduras is full of black people that speak Spanish, yeah. But then I went as an adult, like, three years ago. I was just like, fuck, it's just a whole bunch of Mexican-looking people with buttoning up shirts. Yeah. So I'm just like, I'm still a black guy in Honduras. Especially because I don't speak that much Spanish, too. Like, I speak a good amount.

And I have conversations, everything. But it's just like, I walk around like a fucking New York black guy. So it's like they know they're like he's American. What's what I do when you look at like actual data? Cause I was like, dude, my high school was like half black was not. I like looked at the numbers. I was like, no, it was like 12% black people. But I just like I just assumed I was like no, we had like a super diverse high school that you actually looked at.

You're like, oh, you guys are kind of the light skin kids. That's why. Mine was actually majority black. In Nebraska, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no more. I can bring the yearbook out to prove it. All right. Real quick question. Is Lincoln a black?

part of Nebraska? No. All right, because in the movie, belly, that says otherwise. I mean, there are black people

in Lincoln, and there's like neighborhoods in Lincoln that are black. Because I don't know. Same thing with Omaha. Like, we have like a black neighborhood, and that's where I went to school.

But, um, yeah, Omaha is super segregated, though, dude. So like North Omaha, all black,

South Omaha, all Latino, West, the western half, all white people. Well, let's, let's fix that.

Yeah. Let's Charlie Kirkett. Yeah. Bring people together, yeah. We are over an hour. What do you guys want to promote? Derek, you can go first. All right, guys.

This is coming out way later, so it doesn't even mean anything. But hang out with your boy this weekend. I got mad shows this weekend. I got three. Yeah, get a time machine. Go back and... Yeah, get a time machine. Come vibe with me.

Nah, but, no, you can find me all around the city. I'll be at the pair. I'll be at Comedy Shop. And there's a couple of new things. I'm kind of in the works in. Keep an eye out. You said your Instagram, right? Oh, yeah.

You can follow me at Fisher-Dar Gonzalez. I'm just trying to get my social media game popping because apparently that's all that matters now. Yeah. I'm following followers you have. So you can follow me at Zachary Unlimited. Yeah, it's going to be him posting sketches with girls that he claims her sketches,

but are just sexual videos that he... Oh, I got some shit to show you there. Show me a sketch. I'm like, this is just horny stuff. Yeah. but thank you. All right.