Morning Good - The Shame Parade - Episode 30

Episode Date: June 13, 2021

Thanks to Jake and T.J. for coming back on the show. Make sure to check them both out on social media to see any shows they might have coming up.You can find T.J on Instagram and TikTok @teejfrancis, and Jake on Instagram @jake_timothy. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning Good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to Morning Good. All right, we're here with Morning Good. Hell yeah. That is the new Nickelodeon. It's weird because, like, I feel like if they want to get kids to be comfortable being gay, they just have badass gay superhero. I feel like it's kind of weird to like,

because that's like a toddler show. It's like, it's weird to be teaching toddlers like, guys, you can be gay too. They're like, I guess they're not even thinking about that. I don't know. That's the thing.

I'm not angry about it, but I feel like, I don't know. It's hard not to sound angry when you're like, yeah, no, I don't know if they should be teaching kids to be gay.

I don't know why representation is giving everyone a superhero. Really? Some people don't like superheroes. Yeah, I don't know. Some people just want to be represented a different one.

Yeah, that would be a... Yeah, Superheroes are a way for people to be like, that's the best. That's the top of what you can reach. Yeah, but, you know? Dude, who, like, loves the Wonder Woman movies? Little girls, Jake, are you trying to shit on their dreams? No, no.

Like, when you watch the theater, you're like, yeah, I get it. But I don't think anyone's like, like, the way people love, like, the dark night. Well, that's just because it was a good movie. It was like, they don't. It's because the one of dudes was good. You get it? I'm sorry. It just happened to be good.

Yeah. Men are stronger and naturally more. Better at making movies. Just kidding. It's Pride Month. But I just, I feel like if I was a kid, I saw that, I would be less, I'll be more homophobic. I'd be like, get this gay shit off my TV. Like, I would have been.

Just because it's like, if I was a kid, I was like, it's weird. I don't know. I just think like, it's like to have a Barney thing. It's, it feels weird. Because like basically like a Barney thing, but like with a drag queen, I'm like, that's cool. It's just a weird way to do it. I don't know. It's weird.

Remember when drag, like, it was like drag queens were reading at schools? Like, how scary would that? Like when you're three or seven And you're like, oh, cool, somebody's reading to us today And then it's Michael Shrayhan in a wig And you're like, what? Yeah. It's happening.

Yeah. Some people like, like that's a good. I feel like it's good to expose children to different. Of course. For sure. Ways of being a person. But then like there were some kids in that class that are going to be like, this is fucking hilarious.

Yeah. Well, it's also, yeah. It's a weird about, I think dad age makes more sense. The weird one is like the kid song thing because it's like, like, yeah, the, you You know what I mean? It's weird to like have that like defund the police. It's like it's such a intense topic for children. Like gender identity. I feel like it's a lot to like throw at them when they're like, we're learning colors right now. And you know what I mean? It's like I don't even disagree with the message. Like I totally like think kids should be comfortable being gay and having fun. But like it's just a weird that like that young. It's like a weird. Pride is actually good for the kids because that's how they win their colors. Exactly. Yeah. There's a great point. I wonder at what age like if if we were born. like right now at what age would being a non-binary person like make any sense.

Yeah, I don't know. Or like even like if you are a non-binary person at what age are you like, that's my, you can't be like seven years old and you're like, I'm neither. Yeah, because I don't even know who I'm a person. I'm 24 and I don't even know who I am as a person. I know. Like just the concept of that is like too,

it's like a lot to wrap your head around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, it's a great point. Well, let's talk about TJ getting pussy now. Oh, yeah. Well, here's the thing. Again, as I told you guys didn't.

But the way it just happened was so funny You shouldn't be proud That should be I'm embarrassed You're smirking like You're like that's guy That'd be a great part of pride It's like we're proud of everybody

Besides people not getting late You guys are fucking bitches You don't get pussy or dick Or butt pussy Bussy right That's what's called Yeah Bussey

Bussy? My friend just went on a date Did you get some pussy last night? No I got nothing But dude okay It's not that crazy of a story I'm not proud of it Dirk off No

but that that was like three hours later. Okay. You should part in the shame parade. Just listen. The opposite side of town. Okay. Me and you were at the door and the girl was like, I'm going to leave. And she was an attractive lady.

And TJ's like, you're not going anywhere. I'm trying to get some bussy, you know? And I was like, I'll watch a show with you. And she was like, okay, let's do it. And then we went back and we watched one comedian. And she was like, do you want to leave? And I was like, yeah, let's leave. Well, who's like.

Who's a comedian? How one of who bombed? Let's get the fuck out. I actually don't remember. Yeah, okay. Maybe Jam, no, wasn't Jammer. Yeah, I know, we're better. All right.

It was Michael good. No, I think you were about to go on, actually. Yeah, yeah. We left right before you. I was like, this is the next guy, not, let's, we can leave. Yeah, yeah. We've seen the best. We got it.

I did very meet. So it doesn't matter. So she was like, do you want to leave? She asked me if I want to leave. And I was like, yeah. Like, I didn't eat, barely. I knew her for 10 minutes. Like one set.

And she's like, let's go. And I was like, all right. Start walking home. And I'm like, so what do you want to do? And she's like, I don't know, we can just go back to my place. And I was like, this is the easiest thing that we're done. Like, okay, perfect. We're walking back and like, right before we get there, and I'm pretty drunk, by the,

I forgot to say that. I'm pretty drunk. And so is she, I think. I don't know. Right before we get there, she's like, you know what? I think I just kind of want to be alone. So I just gave her a hug and left. I basically just walked her back to her apartment.

Yeah, you also said she was pretty drunk. So good for you for not raping, T. We actually have an award for that. That was the whole night. But this is why I was laughing at myself this morning. she goes, I love to hanging out with you, though. And I was like, I love you too. Oh, shit.

Oh, that's bad. And then I was like, I'm sorry. I don't know why. And that's when you were like, you know, I think I want to be alone. Yeah. And then I went home, I jerked off to that. No. But I was like, I meant to say I loved it too.

But I said, I love you too. And it was just so fucking weird. I was like, that's why I don't get laid a lot. I say stupid shit like that. Yeah. Yeah, you don't say I love you. Yeah. So that was, uh, the end.

was that night. Did you get her number or something? No. I got her, I got a hug. I got a hug. Well, that's good that you didn't have sex

with a drunk person, but... I should have got her number now that I think about it. Yeah, she just asked her for a number. Oh, well. She's gone in the wind forever.

She's dead too. Now you're never gonna have sex with her. That's fine. I'm fine with that. There's a girl with a pair who was hitting on me once in like the weirdest way and I gave her a fake number.

Ah. But she was like not... Why so weird? She's like, get it. for me, you creep? And he's like, what a weird way. Oh my God, fine. I'll give it to.

There's that one girl that was like trying to have sex with Eli pretty hardcore. So her friend. She had a friend one day. And her friend was just came out of the bar. I was like at the door and she came out of the front. And she was just like, she was like, where can I get chicken wings around here?

Whoa, back off, girl. I'm not trying to fuck. Easy. I was like next door. And she was like, I can just go next door. get them. I was like, yeah. So she went and she came back and she was like, you're cute with like sauce on her face and shit. You're hot. I was like, okay. And then later I was like leaving the pair and she was like, you're not going to try to hang out with me. You're not going to get a drink with me. I was like,

I got, I just got my check and try out. I don't feel very good. And she was like, oh, so you're not going to take my number. Not going to take it. And it was like, here's, here's just some numbers. I hate that aggressive I don't know I was out when I was out in Florida last weekend

or two weeks whenever the fuck I was there my buddy is so funny this girl she was like trying to grind on me and obviously I have a girlfriend so like nah but I was like

leading out of my buddy and then she starts grinding on my buddy and she literally gets on her knees and puts her head on the dance floor into his crotch

he's basically like sniffing his dick she probably has a good relationship oh yeah and she's wearing like he's wearing you know those

they're like sweatpants pants but shorts he's just wearing basically shorts she's just like putting her head right in his dick then she was like flashing the bartender I was like I love that that person exists you know what I mean like I'm like thank God that that is a human being

like if I could tell my 15 year old self I'm like there are girls that will literally sniff dude's dicks on the dance floor my head would explode I'd be like this is amazing why are we complaining about anything I'm like that is beautiful young Michael some girls like to party yeah

yeah you're just you're just down in Florida for yeah yeah it was great dude I saw 7-11 employees fight a high schooler. It was like, I love that place. You never come back from Florida with no stories. Oh, yeah. It's always a great fucking time. I also just, we always hang out like a squad of like 18 people. What was the fight about? I don't know, but it's funny because I already talked about, but we were in the 7-Eleven earlier. My brother. I don't know what the fight was about. Crack. I don't know, but my buddy was like in 7-Eleven earlier and he's just like, this fucking put,

like, he hated the guy. And later on, he sees the guy getting his ass kicked by high schooler, and he's like, fuck yeah. It was so funny. Just think about, like, high school. Do we, like, I'd barely get in fights. My friends are getting fights. It's just, like, grown men. And it was just so funny.

See, like, a grown man fight, like a 16-year-old kid. Especially when, like, some of my friends would kick their asses. I'm like, that's so cool. Yeah. Yeah. Do all your friends that live in Florida? They're kind of all over the place. Nice.

Yeah. That would be so tight to have, like, some scrapes on your face when you go to school. People are like, oh, you got to fight your brother. And you're like, no, I fought a man. Yeah. Who worked at a store. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, it was fucking awesome.

Dude, we had one that, like, man, it was always so fun when people would just show up. Like, we had one, like, behind, like, a... Everybody was just, like, me behind the So Napah grill. And two of my friends are just fighting, or two people I know, and they're like, they're just beating the show of each other

just on some guy's lawn. And the guy just comes out and some dude's just getting need in the face. I'm like, this is awesome. Yeah, keep it gone, guys. That's... You guys just, like, that's funny to think that you guys fought, like, a high school movie

where it's like, we're gonna get together behind this bar. Former circle It was like that bro we had one Like it was on a golf course And like 300 people showed up That's fucking crazy

There's a Facebook group or so Yeah It's always just like show up here And then like it's always Arrivaling high school It's like some dude called somebody Gay from a different high school And then he's like

Especially because in high school You're like Oh I have to prove This is everything This is who I am as a person So like That kind of like Fighting is a yeah

It's a big deal Yeah There was no fights Did you get in fights? Yeah But not like big ones Yeah We didn't have like tickets and stuff.

No, yeah, it was a big deal. It's so funny though, because I'm right. That movie never backed down is like that. Yeah, yeah. And it's in Orlando. It's so funny because like, I saw that movie. I'm like, that's not like Orlando. I got to high school.

I'm like, oh, I mean, it's not, it's not like as cool as that. It's a great movie. There was a bunch of good fighting movies. Like that Channing Tatum one. You know what I'm talking about? I know what I'm talking about? No, real steel. No, no, no, no.

That's not. The fighter is Mark Wahlberg and then a crackhead. Christian Bale. Yeah, what was his name? Christian Bail? No, no. It was a fighter where Channing Tatum fought some dude on like a penthouse.

That sounds kind of cool. It was dope. Speaking correct, did you guys see the, I love the way Hunter Biden texts his lawyer. Oh, I didn't see the text. So like, it's so funny because like, okay, so he, like,

soft day, I mean, obviously you shouldn't be saying the N-word. But like, he's texting his lawyer, like, true dad, N-word, like saying stuff like that. It is like the funniest shit. It is like the funniest. It's so many people are like, obviously, yeah, I get it. Why people should not say the N-word,

but it's also. hilarious. Like, what do you think a middle-aged co-cade talks like? Obviously, he says the N-word. It's funny to think that his lawyer was like, hey, Hunter, I got bad news. The picks were released. And then he's like, true dad. He said what?

I got bad news. And he's like, what's a dumbed down here, man? My dad's the president. What do you think? You think Barack? He was like, my dad and Barack, they're hanging. Yeah, yeah. I can say. Yeah, my dad's got a black friend. Come on. Well, I think the funny thing is, too, he talks to besides the N-word, this is how

I drunkenly talk to my dad. Because the lawyer's like, God loves you and all this stuff. And he's like, what you talk about, motherfucker? Like, one of the text is God loves unconditionally. Bo loves you unconditionally. Like the children love you, all this stuff. And he goes, oh, I'm G. N word. Did you just use a fictional form?

The imagination of the collective frightening me. The kids aren't children, George. And then he goes, my parents' love was unconditional. He goes, my penis as of late was an unconditional. As of late. Because that's why we are searching, he goes, for my penis. He says something about Hennessyne. It's just the funniest thing.

They like best friends or like professional relationship? I can't tell. Because it's so annoying when you interject with frivolity. What does frivolity mean? Frivolity? Yeah. Like mirth and revelry. I love one.

True. At N-word, but I'm dumb. I ran. He just defined a word with two more confusing words. Yeah. I don't know. He said mirth and revelry. And we're like, oh, okay. Now let's move on.

Like being frivolous. You'd be like careless and carefree, have fun. Oh, yeah. But that's like how like my dad, like besides saying the end word, like my dad, when I talk to him, it's like he'll be like God loves you and I'll be like, cool. Like just stuff like that or just searching for my penis dad. Yeah. I want to talk to my lawyer like that. Yeah.

I want to have a weird relationship like that one day. Yeah. Have you ever read the text between, like, Tiger Woods and his mistresses? No. They're fucking bananas, dude. Like, that's when that scandal was going on. All those texts got released. What were they?

Just weird texts? Yeah, he was just, like, texting, like, a waitress that he, like, just got her number. And he's, like, come to this hotel so I can throw fuck you against, like, the bathroom door. And she's, like, crazy. You know, you guys watch that documentary, Tiger Woods documentary? No. Do you know that? So you probably remember this part of how they caught him, how the news caught him.

because he was in a car with like a Perkins. Because his dick smelled like pussy. He was in the car with a Perkins waitress. And the girl threw her tampon outside the car. And then the news people went up and grabbed the tampon. And we're like, gotcha, bitch. I love that. Those are like, that's like so news anchor.

They're like, we broke into his apartment and searched through all of his shit. We found a condom filled with semen. We tested it and it's his. Yeah. What a pervert. Yeah. You're like, what the fuck? You piece of shit.

It was wild, dude. It was just like a bloody tampon. And they're like, uh, are you want us to tell you? to tell your wife, it's like, that could be anything. Yeah. Wait, what are you saying? Oh, God. We got you red-handed motherfucker.

Red tampon, motherfucker. That's like so, yeah. That was like my favorite is we watch this. There's a show I like, it's called like Monkey Gangs Turp War Edition. And they're following these, like, this gang of Macaw monkeys like break into a house. And he's like, look at these monkeys breaking into this house while like the people are not home. And then the next angle is the camera crew inside filming. the monkeys. I'm like, did you just break inside this

Indian family's like house? And you're like, look at them steel and stuff. Because it was also like a third world country. Like it's in India. So I feel like they were just like, yeah, these people aren't home. We can just film this document. What are they going to fucking sue us? They don't even have shoes. We'll be fine. Oh, man. I'd be so tight if I came home while monkeys were robbing me.

They were like wearing my clothes and stuff. The fuck are you going to do. I wish you could still own monkeys. You can. You can. I almost bought one. Yeah. Well, Florida is easier.

Yeah, okay. In New York, you can't do anything, though. This city has so many rules, but also none at the same time. That's a great way. You can get away with anything here. Yeah, everything is illegal. Yeah, literally everything is illegal. It's like, oh, you can't do this, this, that.

You can't have, like, furniture by your fire. Like, I can't have furniture technically, like, in front of that window. Yeah. I can't, I mean, I have one window in my room, and it's a fire escape window, so I can't put an AC in there, but I'm just going to put an AC in there. Yeah. too hot. People like literally do fucking bearable.

Yeah, it's crazy. My apartment's insane. People like, like kind of what you're saying. Like people literally do just like sell drugs right in front of cut. Like nobody gives a fuck on the street. Dude,

that was like my old place. There's always people, not my first place, not my last place, but like in New York, it was like people selling crack were never the issue because the people that sell drugs do not want to get in trouble. So they're actually very,

like nobody's going to rob me if they're selling crack on the street. Because like, why would I, my whole business is here. Like I'm not going to cause problems. Right. But the issue. would be the crack heads then would just

smoke crack and get all cracky. Do the cracky stuff they do. Yeah, yeah. Like I saw that, the guy that just slap a dog in the face one time and I'm like, nice. Yeah. I was talking to my friend. He works, my friend works in this area of like a, not a nice area

of Brooklyn now. And I was at, I was like, what's like the craziest shit you've seen? Like, going to work every day. He's like, dude, I saw a guy just like holding a crack pipe. Like, I see that like in yeah, like that's not that. What are you talking about?

I mean, like, have you seen, like, dead bodies and shit? What, like, just a crack pipe? Yeah, that's not crazy at all. Yeah. There's a, there's a comedian that I don't want to say his name because I don't know if he wants it out there, but he was telling me how he moved into Brooklyn. I know what you're talking about. Alan Fitzgerald.

No, I'm just kidding. And he was like, yeah, there was a shooting one week. And then the next week, a bullet flew through our window. Oh, oh, shit. Like, through the window? Yeah. So there was a shooting that day, too. No, like the next, yeah.

But it went in. from that shooting a week before. No, yeah. Oh, shit. I didn't like fly around. You've been shot, T.J. By yourself. Yeah, tell that story.

Not by my shot. Not by myself. No, your friend shot you? My friend shot me. Okay, well, tell the listeners the story. All right, listeners, thanks for tuning in. No. I don't want to go in to, like, do the whole joke, but like, because I'm trying to make it a joke right now.

But basically, my friend said that he had a gun, didn't believe him. And he wanted to show. It sounds like he just shot you right there. He's like, see, look. Believe me now. motherfucker no he put it it was in the case and he like went to pull it out and I guess as he was pulling it out it pulled the trigger

and it went off through the case into my leg and now it's in my leg forever oh so yeah they never took it out right no I went to the hospital does you go through machines like when you go through machines so it doesn't I say it does but it doesn't and then I I do have a card I got a card like right away

that's like hey he has stuff in his body yeah you'd be great for like al Qaeda to like bomb somebody because you have a card yeah yeah so if you're like listening. Yeah, you're out got it. My DMs are open. Great, FBI's going to be all over me now.

Yeah. Then, like, you know, someone will be like, hey, how'd you do on the show? They're like, oh, I bombed. And then they'd go get them. Yeah, just all the key words. Did you, um, did it hurt? Well, I have a friend who got shot and he had like, no, like, he didn't know. And because he was running and I, dude, I said, I said that in the joke.

I'm like, I don't know if you guys ever got shot, but it doesn't hurt. Yeah. It just, you hear a loud noise and then you bleed profusely. that's all getting shot is. Yeah. Because he really doesn't hurt. I don't know if it's shock or it's so quick. I felt nothing.

I looked around. I was like, what the fuck? And then I looked down and my leg is all bloody. It was weird. Damn. So now that anybody complains about it, they're fucking pussies. That's,

I'm talking to you, Parkland high school. You were shot. You could put, TJ had no pain. So if you guys had, yeah. I say rappers.

I don't know. When those kids got shot, it didn't hurt. Yeah. Literally. Oh, it hurt you emotionally. Oh, okay. It hurt me the next two weeks.

Some of them never had that pain the next few weeks. Dude, you should fight David Hogg. How funny if a fight with that. Dude, Alex Jones versus, well, obviously, Alex Jones would win, but that would be hilarious. Alex Jones versus, like, five of the Parkland kids. It's like, you can take them all. They're all adults now. You and Alex Jones, like, Alex wheels you out.

I'm like, I'm a victim of an accidental shooting. And I love guns, dude. I got more guns afterwards. Oh, dude, I'm terrified of guns. You're scared of them? Oh, yeah. But I will say this. I crashed the gay wedding.

You're on Team Hogg then. No, I think they should be. You think they should be legal? I think taking them away completely is a scary thought. You know what they call him David Hogg? He's got a fat old dick. That would be funny if that was his nickname in high school. I'm just going to keep that one.

That's why he doesn't believe in guns. He's just hang out with his big fat dick, dude. He doesn't need guns. It's just to play with your fucking giant penis. That'd be a great. That was like his nickname. just hogs are whew?

Yeah. Hello. That was a good pig noise, dude. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know what I believe in guns, but definitely need more restrictions or whatever the fuck.

I'm just trying to like, hey guys, I'm not pro-gun. I'm not pro-anything. I don't care. Did it change your mind? I really don't care. I don't give a fuck at all.

But did I'm saying, did it change this incident? Did that change your political stance? Or are you just personally afraid of guns? Oh, I'm just personally afraid of guns. I don't have an opinion on the, political issue.

We shoot him in the leg. Have you ever shot again? No. I'm scared of him, dude. I was at a, but I will say this. I was really drunk and we crashed a gay wedding the other night, like literally last weekend. And there was a cop there who I knew in high school. And he had his gun and he's a wild boy.

You know, you know, and they're like, you need to. Is he a gay cop? No, he's a straight cop. I'm going to shoot you. Bang, bang, bang. Turn around. You're arrested. Okay.

He, um, he's like one of those guys. you're like, yeah, they should probably have a better screening process for cops. He's that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know a couple of those. He had a gun and I took it. I was super drunk. I just went, ah.

Oh, Jesus. It was terrifying. It was so bad. That was the first time I've, like, touched a gun since. Well, that's kind of the solution. To get over your fear, you should just always be drunk around guns. Put it in your head. Yeah, yeah.

And say, ah, I'm going to do it. Yeah. Yeah, it was a tough. I never shot a gun. I really want to, though. I want to just try it once. It's, uh, I mean, I mean, I never...

I grew up shooting guns. Did you? Yeah, yeah. My dad was into him and, yeah, yeah, shot a lot of guns. Did you own your dad own guns? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gun case, you have a big, like, vault in your basement or something. We're in Florida.

We don't lock them up. You leave them on the table. Let's just put a lampshade on it. Yeah, no, it's like up in like a hidden area, but like, yeah, no, it was, yeah. Damn. You ever have to use it? You ever been like, oh, boy. Yeah, I've killed nine people.

Okay, that's pretty tight. that's low for Florida yeah it's pretty pretty low um no I uh but I also I grew up with my friends all having like it was like in high school I'd have friends that like would use fake I have friends that like would use fake I have friends about

guns with like fake IDs it was like the worst case in here that's so funny you buy it it was like fighting 711 employees down there yeah it just happened everybody told like the guy I bought my fake IDs from in high school if I was like if he's like oh you buying some beer I was like no I'm buying a gun I think he would

have been like I'm going to call the police. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to admit that I'm committing a crime so that you don't kill a bunch of people. I got mine from China. So they would have been like, I don't fucking care. Yeah. They're not even going to ask you.

Yeah. They put it in a shoe box. You got like free pair of like size five shoe. That's awesome. We get so much cool shit from China. That's so fucking suss, dude. What? You get a package from China and it's like a child's shoe.

Yeah. It was a big IT. It was like a whole group We had like 30 of them So we had to split the shoes But it was Yeah So we did that

Yeah It was pretty sketchy Fake idea is such a weird thing Because everybody has Everybody has Not my I went to I'll be honest

I went to my Girlfriend's Cousins Graduation party And those kids are kind of Fucking Pussies Like nowadays I also realize This though

Kids in Florida Look so much older I realize Because we're just in the sun all the time. Like, we just get, like, tan as fuck in our skin ages. So, like, I didn't realize that, like... It's a good call. Yeah. But what were you saying? I was just saying everybody has fake IDs now that it's like, it's a felony, technically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got arrested once I was spend that in jail. One of the charges was possession of fake ID. But it's like, when,

when I feel like, when you have a fake ID, if you go in a cop like catches you or something, they're like, all right, get scedaddle. Yeah. It's never like, you're arrested for a fake ID. Yeah. Because they're like, you're not. buying guns with these. Right, right. You're like, okay. Yeah. That was,

when I got arrested for public urination, that's what really fucking over. You got arrested for public urination? Well, it would have been a ticket, but then they were like, do you have ID on you?

And I was like, I opened my wallet and there was just a fake ID in there. Ah, yeah, yeah. I gave him the fake thing like this full. I gave a rent-a-cop one, but he was just like guarding

like an apartment building. So I was like, yeah, what is he going to do? Yeah, yeah. He didn't give a fuck. But I gave him a fake thinking it'd be like, oh, okay.

it's in our system. See it later. Yeah, yeah. But it also, like, it's not a felony if you just use somebody else's driver's license. It's a felony to have a fake driver's license, just because, like, the 9-11 guys. That's a weird way to put up.

The 9-11. You guys know the 9-11 dudes? Those bros, hanging out. That crew, the rag-tag crew of misfits and bans. I had to... No, no, never mind, actually. I was going to say my address, but I don't want to. Is it 9-11?

No, it's... Was there a reason? You're going to say that you're... Yes, yes. It goes back to the fake ID, and I was like, I don't want it. Moving along. What's your fake ID address? It was 22 Shepard Lane.

That was my number in baseball, plus my coach's name. But the reason I had to change it, I think, is funny, and I'll tell you guys off there. Because your coach got, like, murdered? No, because... No, no, no. Just go ahead. Talk about something else. We're talking about 9-11?

I don't know. I don't know. I feel like you're really... holding back right now. Because I don't want to say my home address. Okay. Do you not want that girl to come? The address is so, it's funny to me, the address. What is it? Actually, you know what I'll say it? It's so funny. It's not going to say, it's not that funny, but it's just like, it was a funny thing that I had to make this change because my address seems fake. My real address seems fake. What is it? It's one house road. That's my real address. And I had to be like,

I can't use that. Obviously, that's going to, that's fake. People will be that. You're going to be I lived on 9-11 street. No. No. That was just a thought. I didn't say the town, so. Yeah. That would be terrifying to be one of those, like, security guards at 9-11 that, like,

let the terrorist in. You're like, I saw that guy. And now, you don't know what I mean? Like, you seen him, you're like, oh, fuck. Was that that that guy from earlier? Like, goddammit. Or what have you got called out? You're like, I think these guys are acting kind of sketching.

They're like, you're like, you're fucking racist. And then you're like, all right, I guess so. Yeah. That's got to suck. My favorite is, how many, like, like I told you so moments where they're like new... You know they were on like every list? Oh yeah. They were on every

terrace. They're like, yeah, sure, we'll get to them eventually. They just committed like the biggest terrorist air. I got to get where they're going though, you know? Yeah. Yeah, we looked at their shoes were fine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's just crazy to me how those guys were like on all these lists. It's also crazy. Like I watched like another movie. It's like people were worried about airport stuff all the time before that.

Like 9-11, like I get it that it jacked up people were more strict on airplanes. But I watch movies and there's all kinds of like, I forgot what I watched the other day. It was like a 90s thing. And there was like a 9-11 type thing where somebody's at the airport. They're like, oh, this guy might be a terrorist. And I'm like, oh, it's weird because there weren't terrorist attacks at the airport before 9-11.

People just assumed. I mean, there's... It's like a volcano. It's going to happen at some point. But like before the, before 9-11, like people were still taking off their shoes because the shoe bomber was in the 90s. Oh, yeah. Was that an airplane too?

Yeah. The guy brought, he made a bomb put it in his shoe. shoes and got it on a plane. That was my favorite. There was this show and there was a Indian, or like, I think it was a Middle Eastern guy. And his name was Shabom. But somebody just called him Shubon on the show. This is a tough name for a brown guy to have. Oh, man. You see the guy the the other day try to get into the cockpit at Delta? He did basically the Louis CK. You know Louis CK joke? Down? Yeah, yeah. I just didn't want to be up anymore. He basically did that. He was like, this plane needs to land and he tried to break into the cockpit. You see the video or no? No.

Pretty, pretty wild. They had to, like, subdue them and stuff. Yeah. You ever heard that, like, that black box recording of, there's a pilot on Zoloft, just talking about how he's like, I don't care about flying anymore. While the plane's in the air, he's like, we were past by some mountains and we could just crash right in the fucking mountains. That's hilarious.

That's so fucking funny. Imagine if he said that and, like, he was pressing the intercom by accident and all the people. It's like, I don't even care about flying anyway. I kind of get you. He just resigned. He didn't even get in trouble. Have you were taking... I'm just like, I don't want to be a pilot.

This funny mid-job, be like, I'm kind of over this job. And someone who would take... I don't want to quit. Have you ever taken... Have you guys taken an antidepressant before? Oh, yeah. I've taken a couple. Yeah.

So I, like, I'm against taking them. There's darkness inside me. Yeah. But there's... That was pretty... I took... I took this one is called, like... This is called Syracill.

And basically, it has, like... It's like a sleep medication, but it has anti-depressant, like... effects and do the next day I just did not care about it like the mood stabilizing this of it I was just like I get why people just don't care on it because you're kind of like it's crazy how much that shit just like like numbs you

yeah yeah kills you out to the point you're just like yeah fuck the world's like gray what's that the world's gray you're like nothing yeah don't they say like most school shooters that's a tough one too because the school shooters take the antidepressants but also it makes sense that also depressed people would shoot up schools it's kind of a chicken and egg kind of thing

well because the thing with antidepressants is like you're supposed to take them and like do like talk therapy. So actually like apply. So you can logically think about. So like make your rewire your brain sort of thing. But like people that just take like heavy mood stabilizers and don't do anything else. Like that's not good for you. Yeah.

Unless you're like prone to like manic episodes. Yeah. Then it's like a yeah. Yeah. But other than that, it's like not, it's not good to just not care about anything. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah. You should be depressed about some things in your life. Yeah. You're not getting pussy. You should be sad as shit. I was sad as shit last night, especially because I said I love you. You didn't feel like a hero for not having sex with an inebriated gal? I didn't feel like a hero for doing what I should do. No, not really. I felt normal. I felt, oh, I do this every night. So this is a pretty nice, chill night for me. It's pretty easy to not have sex again. Yeah, it was pretty easy.

That's harder for me because I'm just, man, every day. Love raping? No, banging, dude. Come on. Cheat, TJ. Cheat. No. We don't joke about rape on this podcast, dude. Sorry, back to school shooting.

Yes. Okay, thank you. Have you ever met a guy who's like really patting himself on the back for not having sex with her? A girl is like hammered. Yeah. It was like being sloppy and like coming on to everyone. He's like, yeah, dude, I just let her bloom me, man. Let's look at me.

Like, what a guy. Like, I could have gone home with her. But you know what? I'm just hanging out the bat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, of course. You should, dude.

Yeah. If you took her home, I would call the police. Yeah. Yeah, that was like, I had a, I had a friend and we were out at like a gay bar. And he's like, dude, I just let you guys know, I think you guys should totally be allowed to get married. And I'm like, what the fuck? That's like the bare minimum. You're like, listen, I think you guys should be.

Great, dude. Yeah, yeah. I don't care. Yeah. That's, that is, it's got to be weird. Like, yesterday I hosted the mic. And every time somebody had a black joke, they looked at Andre. Mitchell and then Dan Paul Zella got up

and was like, you guys know how awkward you're making him feel just by being like, yeah, so basketball, you know what I'm talking about. But I'll, I mean, like there weren't any actual black jokes, you know what I mean? It's like everything that was slightly black. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I love fucking, like, white people who are so uncomfortable around black people

that they're constantly like doing shit like that. Yeah. Like last year, I'm like, I'm just kidding, you guys pointing to my stuff. like, like, Juneteenth. Like, in Washington Square, these, like, people were, like, there were comics that hanging out at that mic. They're just, like, going up to Black Comics

and they're like, like, happy Juneteenth. Yeah, what are you playing for June 10th? Is there a cookout later? Yeah, that's a funny. But I also get, there's also a weird in between, like, I hate when I have a black joke, and there's another side of it, too, where you make no eye content,

and that's weird, too. You know what I mean, where you're like, just, daring as the white people. There's a black guy on the other side. You're like, yeah. So like there's a balance. But that is also funny.

The, um, yeah, the pandering. The worst I have a friend. I love the guy, but he will pick up an accent of whoever he's talking to. So he'll be out of a bodega big, my friend.

And I'm like, dude, no, what? You don't talk like that. That's kind of funny though. It's like, I've never mentioned to him,

but it's the most noticeable thing in the world. Imagine talking to black guys, like, no doubt. What's up? Imagine if he's hanging out with a taxi and like puts a Bluetooth headset. Yeah. What's up, boss?

I'm going three blocks up down. I want to see him with like a diverse group. Oh, God. It's like a black guy, an Indian guy, a white guy, and a gay guy. Just him talking, trying to fit in. We were talking once about that comic who, um, yeah, I don't want to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One guy who I thought was gay and now he had black.

Code switch in all sorts of ways. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so funny. Yeah. It's such a weird way to think like. oh, this guy, like, one way to ingratiate myself to this person, I'm just gonna mimic

the way they're talking to me. Yeah, yeah, exactly. In any other situation, that's like incredibly rude. Oh, it was insulting thing possible, yeah. But for some reason, you're like, I think this black guy would like, if I'm like, what's up, Slim?

Oh, shit, he's cool. Oh, fuck. I wanted the plane stuff. Remember we were talking about that? Yes. I wanted to say this because I remembered it. Remember the guy who committed suicide by stealing a plane? And then just drove around for a little bit and crashed it.

Yeah. Oh, he just killed himself, though? Yeah. And he was talking to the tower in the plane. Yeah. And they were like, are you going to land the plane? He's like, no. Yeah.

Yeah. I was like, that's a pretty cool way to go out. Yeah. The coolest thing, it's honestly pretty cool because he figured out how to fly a plane playing flight simulators. Yeah. And he was all to kill himself. Yeah.

He was so committed. just an air traffic controller playing flight simulators and then one day he just got into a plane and was like, I know how this works. Oh, that's fucking awesome. And just took off. And then when they were talking to him, like, you got to get the plane down. And he's like, oh, get it down. But it's not, you're not getting the plane back. Yeah. What if he lands it? He's like, just so you guys know, I can land it. I'm going to go back up and kill myself now. I just want to prove. She's just like, oh, and then crash into the airport. Dude, he was committed to, I mean, he thought about that for months. Yeah, that's the hard.

part part two with the suicide. It's like, do you, I think you should be allowed to kill yourself, but you should have to have a mental psych evaluation up until that. Because I'm like, dude, if you're a decision, it's like, I don't, I mean, sad. But because there's also, I do think, like, I know somebody very close to me that killed himself. But they also had schizophrenia and had like an episode. I'm like, that's different than somebody who's like, I've weighed out everything about my life. It's gay. I don't like, I'm sexually like, happy pride month. That's what I would say. Like, you say that to the evaluator? Like, government evaluator. Like, it's just my life's fucking gay.

You're saying you need to get, like, approved to commit suicide. They're like, all right, fucking, yeah. This guy's a total fucking loser. He totally should kill himself. All the suicides over here, non-suicides over here. You should have been in here years ago. You really suck. It's so funny if you, like, go into the room where they let the guy kill himself in the room

and they just, the doctor leaves a chart in there and they look at it just like gay. This guy's fucking gay is out. Just a bunch of blood spatter all over from everybody else. What do you wait at your evaluation? That's how they're shooting themselves. In this like government sanction, this is how you kill yourself correctly with a shotgun blast to the face. Here's a bottle of Jack Daniels. You can put on a Creed CD or something.

Here's a picture of your ex-wife. I would also love to you win to the evaluation. You start speaking. We can pay a stripper to come in here and shout at you. That's a funny concept of being somebody like, I want to commit. suicide. And they're like, all right, what do you have? Well, you could do that in like, in certain countries, my penis is small. Uh, you've never been married. 58. It'd be funny. It'd be great if like the second you start talking. Like, so here's your evaluation for suicide, like two minutes.

And he's like, Jesus Christ. He's like, one of the worst kids I've ever seen. Kill yourself right now. This is been fucking, I can't even, I don't want to listen to you talk anymore. I'm going to kill myself just talking to you. Suicide hotline, but it's just like, oh my God. If I was like, if I was the evaluator person, I would just do that no matter what they said. Unless they were just like, I just don't like my son. Yeah, yeah. Like, maybe you should figure that out.

Well, they have assisted suicide in some countries, but I would just love if they do it like a whole thing like that, if they give you like a C2. But it's not, it's not like just if you want to kill yourself. It's like if you have like a terminal illness. Yeah, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, I feel that there should be some way. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but as I said, like, if I friend and kill himself, like, if you have, like, a serious man, and you're going through an episode, that's a way different thing than like... 100%. Because there are people that are like, oh, I wish I didn't kill myself. I'm like, oh, that's totally a different thing. But, like, yeah.

Well, people are like that. And there are like, no. And then I found something and I'm so happy I didn't kill myself. Like, yeah. But, like, terminal illness, that's like one example. I'm like, yeah, dude, you should be able to kill yourself if, like, you're going to die a year from now. And it's, like, so much pain. It's like, yeah.

Yeah. Definitely. Is that not allowed here? I think it's new newly allowed Yeah it is funny because you do like Yeah But also it's not like

I know Situation like I can tell you more up here But I know situations where that's happened in New York And it's like People were very nervous that it was gonna go wrong But it's like Yeah I think that like probably the medical People who looked at the body like

Or the situation Understood what had happened But they're like We're not gonna like call the police on you. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This person, like, me, like...

It is a crime, isn't it? Yeah, it's a crime to commit suicide? Yeah, yeah. Which is dumb. Yeah, but, I mean, I don't know what the situation would have to be for them to, like, prosecute. Well, most of the...

They just bakeract you. What? They bakeract you. What does that mean? So, like, when someone tries to kill themselves, you get bakeracted, so you get brought into a psych ward. Oh, oh. Yeah.

Because nothing makes you want to live more than seeing a bunch of people rub their shit against the wall. That's where you're like, wow, I guess, because I don't want to kill myself. Well, I guess attempted suicide as a crime, but suicide. Like, there's no reason for that. Yeah, that was like a riddle. People used to me like, well, what crime is it?

If you commit it, you don't go to jail. But if you attempt it, you go to jail. That's like a third grade. Right. They're like, I don't know. Suicide. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Is that even a riddle or just like a straightforward question? I guess it's, yeah. It wasn't like a third-year. on one of the popsicle things. Yeah. It's an apple fact. Fun fact about suicide.

You can commit it. Nobody's ever been convicted for suicide. So do it, pussy. Yeah, I don't know. That's funny. There's that drink called the suicide. Like, we had this thing at the country club where you would like just, you'd be like, give me a suicide and they'd just mix all the flavors of Coca-Cola out of my.

This is. Wow. Yeah. A lot more minor than just doing myself. Dr. Pepper. Really sugary Dr. Pepper. Yeah. I used to forget about how much.

much drugs we used to do at the country club. I was like, this is a weird lifestyle. Country club, yeah. We took mushrooms there. You were at a country club? You belong to one? What's that? You belong to one? I don't belong there, but I'm a member. I don't fit in. I'm kind of a black sheep. Oh, you're like that. I was confused for a second. Yeah. You remember that's cool. Yeah, but we used to just go all the time and we're kids and just do a fuck ton of drugs there. And I remember one time I was on a bunch of shrooms and the pizza had like Abraham, or not Abraham, like, it was like Benjamin Franklin's face on it. And I was like, I don't want to eat.

I'll put it back and I can't eat history. Yeah, exactly. And it's so fucking funny that like picturing you at a country club like behind the dumpsters smoking a joint. Yeah, man, I don't belong here. You don't have to be.

It's like, it's a club. It's not school. Yeah, I'm like, no, I don't even want to be here. Okay, I'll go. Like, no, please just not show up. We used to, I remember one time. The pool is too much chlorine in it. I get a rash.

Yeah. All right, dude. But I favorite was once I took so much cough medicine. And me and my friend, we took like, I didn't realize they were musnics all strength. I took like a serious amount. And like it can't get like hallucinogenic.

Like I was seeing doubles. I was like so fucked up. Yeah. The weird part about that. It was like extended release. So like I didn't feel it for two hours. And there's two hours later. I was just like done.

And we were on the paddle boards. And there was a whole like thunderstorm. And they'd like come out and get us. And I'm just like tripping balls. And like, This lifeguard just throwing me on the boat. And my body's, like, covered in rashes and stuff like that. Because there's, like, horrible side effects to taking a lot of cough medicine.

Really? And then I remember you just put a blanket around me. I didn't get dittled. But, yeah, it was a weird. It was weird. And I just came in the next day like, hey, what's up guys? And we just saw you so fucked up on drugs. And you're like 14 years old.

Damn. Yeah, we were fucking cool kids. What somebody smoked cough medicine? I thought that would, like, work. Crush it up, put in a black mouth. I'm like, that might be the most disgusting. Yeah. That must be the least healthy thing.

You put it in a black and mild. Yeah, but when you're a kid, you're like, it's legal. You're like, it's not about breaking the law. How could it be unhealthy to do this? Yeah, yeah. I'm like, dude, I'm not a reefer addict. This is FDA approved. Smoking, crushed up mucinex in a black and mild.

Dude, if Jason Davis was on here today, I was going to go to his apartment before and take mushrooms. Oh, that would have been interesting. He's got like a bunch of them. Yeah, yeah. Just name drop there. No, I like it matters. If anyone, no. Yeah, yeah.

No, he's got none left. He just gets in serious trouble for that. Yeah. Oh, wait. Did I say him? I meant a different Jew. Some other gay Jew. Oh, fuck.

Dude. Yeah. Dude. Fuck. You should have a panic attack? Shit. Fuck. We're bombing.

Fuck. Was she been on TikTok? Fuck. I'm so sorry. You guys rub your nipples. Dude, I have the weirdest thing about Instagram feed. So I love Batman.

I'm like super into it. But the problem is like if you like, I'm very curious about like Easter eggs. Like the new Batman's movie coming out. Mr. Freeze might be that kind of stuff. But now my Instagram feed is just grown men dressed up as Batman. And I was thinking like that, there's nothing further than being Batman than a grown man who dresses like Batman.

Wearing hockey pants. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. There's nothing further away from that guy. That's, dude, that's my favorite thing about the actual Batman universe is how those guys still exist. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, I'm not that into this.

Why are they dressing up as Batman? Because they're like cosplay guys. Oh, that shit's so weird. People dress up as like bunnies, like furries and shit. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. They're for sure fucking in those. Well, they're not getting late.

But like, if they get laid, they're like, I got to wear the costume. They get a hug and say, I love you. Let me eat that pussy. Yeah, suck this dick. Lick my fucking ball. And then they're online. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We always made a joke about that

because one of my friends, he didn't know who Tommy Lee Jones was compared to Tommy Lee. You know, there's a Tommy Lee sex tape. Yeah. He thought it was a Tommy Lee Jones sex tape who also played Two-Face. It was joke around, he'd be like,

heads, I put it in your ass. Damn, you're a huge Batman fan? Die hard. And you're cool with him because he's a straight white male superhero. That's why I like it is. There's going to be Pride Man soon, right? Yeah, yeah. Or Pride. Pride they.

I like it like a nice gay superhero. Like, guys, slow down. Stop it. You guys are being so angry at each other. Why don't we just have a good... That's my favorite character. Marty. And the gay Southern guy.

Marty from the movie. Basically, but this guy's more like the rug salesman. Like he's got ripped jeans and flip flops. He's like, we're just going to have a good time here today. That'd be pretty cool. That's a superhero. Just having good time. Of course.

No matter what. fun. Cut this out. Cut this nonsense out. Fuck it. What was hate? You see the Avengers the second movie?

I'm not a big, any of that. I don't remember. I mean, sure I saw it, yeah. There's a fifth movie. There's a moment in there where they try to represent the gay community

where there's like there's like a support group for people that lost people in like the snap. Yeah, yeah. And one, there's a guy in there who's just like, My boyfriend died.

No, that was good. That was enough. That's good. It's a three hour movie. The only gay character is a guy who lost his husband. Yeah, yeah. We throw a Black Panther in the last couple minutes, so that'll cover the black sexual.

We'll have a gay guy for two seconds. Yeah. What if they just like over did it? There's just one scene where he's like, I lost my husband. I was stuck in his wiener. We were doing arts and crafts together. Just like the most over the top, like, clearly a straight guy playing a gay guy.

Oh, yeah. I was wearing a dusterer. giraffe the afternoon. They're like, this is a little, come on, this is a little offensive. What do you guys think about that? Gay community. Do you like that? You're just doing gay face, just like a menstrual show for gays.

Or not for gays, but against gays. I like that term gay face. You're doing gay things. People say, yeah. Like this actor did gay face. He's not gay, play gay. That's not the same thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I get there's a lot of ways that representation could be better in Hollywood. Of course, yeah, yeah. But, like, if you're an actor, what are you going to only play yourself? Yeah, yeah. Like if you're a white guy, you don't paint your face black. Yeah, yeah. That's horrible.

We're not doing that anymore? No. I mean, you can still do it. What I do is I put blackface on. Compound media. You're always looking for new talent. I do blackface every day, but I put on a layer of white face makeup.

So in my head, I'm like, you know what I mean? It's like one layer of black face and then one regular white face. So I'm just going around. I'm having the biggest time of my life. I'm just,

I'm watching celebrities get trouble for blackface. I'm like, those guys are idiots. I know this is like... I'm doing it right, dude. I'm doing Oreo face. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you should put the white... I'm always doing...

Inside out Oreo, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, fucking... I noticed people say this all the time, but like, how many... Blackface happened a lot back then, apparently. Yeah, that's just weird. It was like baseball.

That's how... That's like the origin of stand-up. Blackface? Started as like, yeah, like minstrel. Like, the first, like, solo performers on stage would be those guys. like just doing that character. And then that's like, there's a story about like Bob Hope doing that.

Bob Hope was like on the way to a show and he like didn't have time to put on his blackface. What a disaster. Yeah. And then he just did the show and he was like, oh, this is probably what we should be doing. It added nothing. It added nothing the whole time. They're like, what if we didn't just make fun of a whole race of people? They're like, no.

That's not fun. Yeah, they're like, what is the point? What's the point of that? Oh, we're just doing jokes. Where's the racism? No, I don't get it. Yeah. Yeah, but that's like, apparently that's how that,

other than like Mark Twain or whatever, that would like the- Who's just saying the N-word on stage? They're like, it's just. Archwaywayway would just read, like, you know, poems or whatever, and they were like, that's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the, like.

I would love to see him try to go up in a comedy club. Just get buried. It would be like, like, Mark Twain. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know why. But then if we went up, we'd probably bomb for, like, them. They would think we're just the most.

I don't know. I don't know. I feel like I could still be funny back then. Yeah, because there's also no comedy they've seen, so like nothing's hacked. You could just. Yeah, true. Do you talk about the vaccine? They're like, what the fuck with Mark Twain even?

You ever didn't want to paint a fence? Yeah. We're like, dude, do that. Fuck yeah. Amen. That is always me. She should get on TikTok, dude. There was a Mark Twain joke I remember with it.

I read like somebody was telling me that, or not telling me, somebody was like writing that Mark Twain was his favorite comedian ever. Oh, that person sucks. I saw somebody wearing like a three-studges shirt the other day. And I was like, you want to come to a comedy show?

They're like, no. And I'm like, good. There's no way you, I don't know. It's like, obviously I can see you watching that. I'd be like, oh, that's classic fun. But like you being like, dude, it was, I'm like, come on. By the merch.

Yeah, yeah. If you say, like, what's his name is, like, your favorite comedian? Who's that old guy that dressed like Hitler? Oh, Charlie Chavlin? Yeah, he's just the fun. You're like, eh. I mean, like, you can respect it. Like, the same way, like, dude, I like, I was, like, I like, I like George Carlin.

I'm like, he's a great comedian, but he's not like my fate. You know what I'm like, dude, if you listen to some of the stuff, right? Oh, yeah. It's not. There's some of the shit that's not good, but he is my favorite comedian ever. Really? Yeah, he makes me laugh pretty hard. Really?

Yeah, sincerely. he's I mean it's also part of that it's because like when I listened to him when I was young like it hit me so hard yeah yeah that like now when I listen to his stuff it's just like it's like a visceral I remember I get what you're saying that made me feel yeah yeah yeah it's nostalgic yeah I don't even think I've watched too much of him I mean he's very talented but like um that's always so funny to me because I sell these articles are like they're like you're actually wrong they're like George Carlin like you know people like try to say that he would have been like four political correctness. I'm like, he wrote books about how he was like

super against it for like years. Yeah. Like he had issues with like, uh, punching down a little bit, which like I disagree with to an extent, but like, um, gay, he just like, he had weird controversies with Andrew Dice Clay where he's like, I don't know why he's just making fun of, but also like half a Dice's act was just only, you know what I mean?

It's like, it was a weird act. Yeah, yeah. Look back at, like, read it now. I know you're never supposed like obviously do that, but like, all right, where's the. Yeah, yeah. It's just like, yeah, yeah. But also like, Dickety Doc or whatever the fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She sucked my cock and you're like, all right.

Yeah, but also like the truth to power thing kind of changes when like you can fire somebody for saying the wrong thing. It's like, who's really in power if you could easily just be like, oh, hey, like the mob is kind of in power in that case. Yeah, I feel that. I mean, when I watch Dice, I don't think he's that funny, but I feel like if I saw him in a club. Like I try to imagine him like on the stage of the pair or something. I'd be like that. That would be so funny. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just that ridiculous fucking character. That was my favorite is there was one show, Long Island. Dice was doing Valentine's Day show. I'm like, could you imagine taking her girlfriend to see Andrew Dice Clay in Long Island? It is so romantic. He's like, hey, this bitch is pussy. You licking it tonight. She's like, this is so sweet.

I bet you there's women out there, like, Italian women who are like, that's my father's. Like, I love Dice Clay. Oh, they love. People fucking love. Or pussy tastes like lasagna. Artin, Artin X, he loves Dice. But his, like, mom and sister are like huge Dice friends. Yeah.

I think it's so funny He told me they went to see him at the stand Or something Yeah And they're like sat in the back Because they like didn't want him to see them Yeah What?

Talk to them But they were like he's like He was telling me Yeah my mom You would never know it But she's just like the biggest dice fan Yeah Yeah

Yeah I mean it's also a character But also like that's the thing It's like people are like Oh George Carlin was four It's like he was so against Like he has like hours of talking about He's like no it's garbage

Like you shouldn't Which I mean Whatever you think about Public Correctness It's just I have no problem if you being like I'm for political correctness, but then to randomly take people and be like, they would have been for this. It's like, no, if they verbally said, I am against this, he called it like a cancer.

Well, do you hear Kat Williams take on cancer culture that everybody sucked his dick over? Yeah, yeah. It was like, yeah, well, you know, it's like in the NBA, you have out of bounds lines, so you just got to play with them. And it's like, all right, I can see that now. Like, that makes sense now. But you also can't change the out of bounds lines and be like, oh, because 10 years ago, you were, you wouldn't fit now. You're done. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he's like, you have to play. And it's like, yeah, of course. None of us are going to go up on stage and say the N-word. That's the, those are some of the lines. But also, like, the whole reason the lines are there, though, are to an extent to cross it.

Like, I don't say the N-word, but I'm like, somebody like, Louis, it's like when he says it's like, that joke he has wouldn't be as good if... He wouldn't say it today. I disagree. I think he would. He still does. Yeah. What?

Definitely. You saw him walking out the street saying. Well, but I'm like, the only reason Fox-up jokes are funny are because we have that lot. Like, if that line wasn't there, it would be not funny at all. You'd be like, okay, this guy's just talking about. For some reason, I kind of think that's the one thing that's like, no, I heard him say it on his podcast. I mean, I'm not calling people out for.

It's literally, I don't think. Yeah, either way. But, like, I think it's also funny to, like, people that are like that success. Because, like, I think there's two sides of it. If you complain about political correctness and saying that's why you don't have a career, I disagree completely. Because you can find a way to have a career. Yeah.

But if you suck the dick of it, too, and be like, oh, yeah, no, this is why. like this should be this way it's like no also like yeah it's like you can't complain that nobody likes your jokes because they're fucked up but you can also be like I think the industry it really hurts is movies like you can't say like that hasn't dramatically affected comedic movies it's like it's like a clear drop off the last five years there has not been that many funny movies it's like exactly right when trump became president it just stopped happening so it's like yeah and it's like I don't think Chris Rock is wrong I don't think Chappelle it's like all these people are also saying this was like I think there's some truth to it but it's like you can't you can't blame everyone everything on it. Right. But also, it's funny when people like, he's like, nobody's taking dirty bitch away from you.

It's like, yeah, they, it's like, you think people will just stop it. It's like, everybody's like, oh, okay,

so certain people can't say faggot or the N word on stage. I'm like, no, it's like, that's where it starts, but it ends with, you can't say it. Most things.

Like, people act like, there are tons of people who can't say, like, who aren't cool of saying the word bitch. Like,

I remember. Well, then there, I mean, that's crazy. Yeah. Who's not okay with saying the word? A bunch of people are,

a bunch of feminist people are against people calling women bitches because they say that's just a second. I've heard so many people say you can't say the word bitch. Then go after rappers before comedy. Yeah, yeah. There are, I will say this. There's some, like comics especially who I hear say the word bitch. And I'm like, you don't know how to say that.

Oh, of course, yeah. Like, it's just, when I hear it coming out of their mouth, I'm like, you're the reason why people would get upset. Yeah, yeah. Just if anyone says it. Because when it comes out of your mouth, It's like, this isn't just like part of what you're saying. Yeah, yeah.

There's something a little more behind that. No, of course, yeah. But then that's also just playing in the line. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, it's like, it's playing the lines of things. Because it was like, I saw something like, AOC posted like some video where like I guess some congresswoman called her like, congressman called her like a bitch or something,

which like, you know, maybe don't call people at work a bitch. Especially when you're a congressman. Yeah, yeah. It's like that was fucking, I don't know what idiot said that. But then like some woman posted, she's like, I don't care what side of the political line are. It's like you should be against people using demeaning language. I'm like, okay, so I can't, like, what do we call Casey Anthony then? Like a mean

person? It's like, it's like, yeah, you should be able to dehumanize people. That's a point of insulting something. That's also like, what did you do about Trump for the past four years? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, you called like a small debate about Trump. Yeah, yeah. You shout all over them, which is fine. It's what you can do. I mean, if you're at work, at the government, you should look at another government employee and be like, you're fucking dumb bitch. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But if you're just a person, you could be, it can, and Any, you go anywhere in New York and you'll hear some gibrony being like, AOC's a fucking dumb bitch.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. I've never actually, I kind of realizing this now, never really put a gender behind the term bitch. I would call, like, it means two different things. It's the same thing with the word, uh, yeah. So like, bitch, if you call a guy a bitch, you're not saying he's mean. You're saying he's a pussy. But if you call a girl bitch, you're saying she's mean.

So like a tough girl you could call a bitch if she's being mean, but a tough guy you wouldn't call it. You'd call them a dick or an asshole. But it's like that's because we don't have enough words. You know what I mean? Like you can't call a girl a dick. That's just weird. She's a real dick. It doesn't. Yeah. But I think that's a way to like diffuse a fight is

to not gender your insults. Like if you're in a fight with a girl, don't call her a bitch. Call her like a douchebag or something. A jerk. A mean jerk. I disagree. I'm all about winning the insult. Like I've called people cunts and I like the power of it. Cuntz a great word. I'm not saying like, I'm saying. If you were

fighting with a woman and you call her a bitch or a cunt, then you lose a fight. Because she's like, why would you say that? So, you also can't win a fight with a woman. It's impossible. What if she is being a bitch or a cunt? No, I get what you're saying is... I thought you didn't gender your language, dude. I'm just saying she is being the two words...

Dunders. Dunders have vaginas. But no, I get what you're saying. It does devalue your argument. You're trying to have an actual argument. There's just an argument and telling somebody to fuck off. If I was actually having an argument, I want it to be like, you're a cunt. If somebody was like, having like a fight, like an angry fight. Yeah, then I'll be like, fuck you.

You're being a cunt. And then the person would just be like, oh, you can't say that? It's like, you're sleeping on the couch tonight. That's what I'd say. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever? Slept on the couch?

Called your girlfriend a bitch or a cut? No, I'll say you're acting bitchy. Because she'll call me a dick, but I'll never be like you're being a bit. But I'm also very subtle about it. I'm like, I'll be honest, you're acting kind of bitchy about it. But like, I'd never be like, you're a bit.

You know what I mean? It's like, it's more just like good communication. Yeah. If you're just like, you're a bitch right now. Yeah. All right, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll soothe it in with your acting somewhat.

Like, I'm like, you know those cunts you see on TV? Similar to that way? You know those stupid, angry bitches that we hate? You react now. You sleep on the couch ever? Yeah, but she never kicked to me. Like, it's been like, I'm like, I'm sleeping. I'm more like, I'm sleeping on the couch.

But, like, also, the more you get in a relationship, the better you get at fighting. And, like, are not like, winning the argument, but like we just diffuse fast. I'm like, I'm a very good, like, I'm very level-headed when it comes to, like, arguments with my girlfriend. I'm like, this is how, okay, like, I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah. At least that's how I see it.

But maybe I'm more belligerent than that. Yeah. Well, that's fun. It's a lot of fun. Yeah. I want a girlfriend, dude. I want a girlfriend. I'm a chairman thing.

I want a girlfriend. Are there any girls out there? Ladies, it's Brideon. That's who should be teaching the children. Who wants to be a girl for me? Ladies, girl, thing. Yeah, she's also, yeah, people got mad at her for her take on athletes. But, like, who?

She's, Caitlin Jemberb. She's kind of, she has a lot of, I don't know, say, I guess. I don't know, I don't. I tried to write a joke about that. It's like, it worked, like, a little bit. People were weird about it. Yeah. Oh, the trans thing for her?

What she said? Yeah. Do you ever hear that joke? No. I was trying to think of... The hardest part was I was trying to think of a perfect analogy for that. It's like she's a trans woman. And she's saying that like a trans girl shouldn't play women sports.

But she's not just any trans woman. When she was a man, she was like the best male athlete. Yeah, yeah, I am. And then she became trans. So like, what's the perfect analogy for that? It's like if a fucking... Like if a fucking... butterfly, or if a caterpillar became a butterfly, and then told other butterflies that they

can't flap their wings because they're not birds or some shit like that. That's lost on me completely. That's just a lot to follow. But I get what you're saying. That's not the joke. That's just an analogy. I'm trying to figure out. But that is, it's interesting.

And you're right. She should be like, maybe not the number one. But it's funny because sometimes when people... She's a good voice on this. Yeah, yeah. It's funny, though, when people in a group disagree with you, though, you'll be like, well, they're not really. It's kind of like when Kanye West starts talking, people are like, well, he's not really

a black person. I'm like, no, he is a black person. I'm like, if you're white, that's the most, in my opinion, that's like some of the most racist shit you could say, be like, okay, but he's like an uncle Tom. I'm like, you're basically just calling him a house inward. Yeah, it's way worse. Candice Owens too. They're like, she's not what I think black people are.

Yeah, it's like, what the fuck? Why do you have an opinion? Yeah, exactly. grouping all black people and being like this is what obviously a black person should think yeah you're like that's the most i saw a girl she posted the funniest things there was like there was something that like snoop dog posted it was like the coon family and it was like i know that's not a word i should be but like it is much of like black people that people consider sellouts and this girl she's like i'm just quoting this from snoop dog i'm not actually saying it i'm like no you're

you're doing this just because you're using that person's words and then posting it she's like and she had like a quotation she's like this is what snoop dog said about these people people and I agree. I'm like, it's a way different content. You know what I mean? It's like... Yeah. That's just doesn't ever... That's like with the JFL guy. I was just good. I was just good. I don't want to get too into that. No, I know, I know, but that's... The only reason I don't want to get into that is because like I hate talking shit, because then I'm doing the same thing that somebody else did when you

don't talk directly to somebody about something. Unless it's like way off. Like, I'm not going to be like, I'll shit talk a celebrity that's way out there because I'm like, I'm never going to have a conversation with Kevin Spacey so I can be like that pedophile piece of shit. You know what I'm not going to be like, I'm going to wait until I talk to him to share my opinions about Yeah. He's playing a pedophile hunter, isn't he? Kevin Spacey? Yeah.

Like an Italian movie? Yeah, he is. So, I don't... I haven't really looked into it. You haven't been keeping up on Kevin Spacey? Oh, something I found crazy... I don't have my Google Alerts on for him. Just because...

Actually, we got to sleep more time. Yeah, there's a machine in Japan. They just found out that they can view people's dreams. Like, it just got created a couple days ago. What? Neil DeGrasse Tyson. Like Inception? Who's, like, agreeing to that, though?

Because you're going to have some fucking weird dreams. Like, why are you having sex with your... Hunt. Some shit you just cannot control at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fucking... I don't even know how to begin to conceptualize the technology behind that. Oh, it's nuts.

How do you... I barely see my dreams when I'm dreaming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How does that happen? I bet it's like a different kind of imaging. It's not like exactly what you see. Yeah, that's true. It probably is definitely that.

It's probably... It's not like they're seeing fire breathing, dragons. Yeah, just like, that would they imagine. That'd be so hard for it to imagine how you, like, see things. Yeah. I don't know. Because I don't even think they have a machine that could see what you're seeing right now, like, through your brain.

No, they can't. Which I was just going to say, it's all, one of the questions that's always interesting to me, like, what if colors are different for everybody? Like, we all see that candle, we say purple, but what if it's my, you see it as my green? Right. That's great. That's interesting thing to me. Yeah.

So that's just something to think about. There's just something to think about. Next topic, though. But I'm right. Yeah. My colors are all right. The dildo candle. Yeah, I bet you it's something lame that they're like,

it's just dots on a screen probably. And they're like, yeah, this is. It looks like you're having gay sex. Yeah. No, no, no, turn that off. It's a machine, but only one guy can read what it is. What it says. Your machine's broken, man.

I'm definitely having gay sex. I guess everyone's gay, dude. That's what I'm getting from this. We just see my dream. Oh, dude, it's just me. It's actually a memory from a week ago when I fucked like nine chicks. My dreams are actually just other. cool things.

Just write that down in your notes. Yeah. All my dreams is, like, real shit that happens. Yeah. You know, oh, there's a doctor measuring my 10-inch dick. Yeah. One of my friends tried telling me that once.

I mean, he listens to the podcast, but in elementary school, he just told us one time he's like, yeah, the doctor said I had a huge penis. There's no way. All right? You're like in middle school. In elementary school? Yeah, middle school. I'm like, your doctor's pedophile then.

But, like, there's no way the doctor was like, it was fucking hog. All right. So you're 5-8s, 135, huge penis. But it also be funny. What if you just had, like, a no discipline. the doctor's like, I can't not mention it. Fucking pull him back up. Bring your dad in.

Your son's got a hog, dude. High five him. He's got a little David Hog. That's why we call him David Hogg. Well, it was in Florida. Maybe there was a... Yeah. Oh, man.

That would be really uncomfortable if you're like a pediatrician and one of your clients has like a way bigger dick than you. Like a seven-year-old kid. He's like, there's something wrong and you're like, something's wrong with me. I'll say, I'll tell you that much.

Peter just killed himself. That's what he tells the suicide auditor. He's like, I saw a kid with a bigger dick today. Oh, geez. How old seven? Yeah. Get in line. I've actually seen a lot of them.

Oh, my God. He's just like, tells a kid, he's like, yeah, you have brain cancer. He's like, tested all. He's like, yeah, your son has brain cancer. I'm sorry. You should probably just get rid of him. Your son is a tumor in his dick. He should get it.

definitely cut it off. And they give it to me to study. Can they do additional? Actually, your son's transgender. He needs to cut off his... I don't think he's like, no, he's showing all the signs. Cut off his dick. Put tits on him.

And don't let him around this town. Oh, fuck. I used to love when doctors to touch my dick when I was a kid. Because I always have female... I'd request them. I don't know why I thought my mom... My crust clearly weren't going through. Request them? I tell my mom, yeah, can you have...

Give me a female doctor. Line them all up. Make sure she's a diminishing. Minikin. Big tits. Big tits. Yeah. One time it was a dude doctor that I was like, this is,

there's nobody listening to me here. I'm listening to me here. Like, there's nobody, there's a, there's a dude that's not what I asked for. All right, we're going to try it. He doesn't even have long acrylic nails.

Like that specifically requested. This is not, yeah. That's how they tell us nice. Kids are gay. It's like a pervert kid with his legs crossed like this. He's like, put on some. You guys got any jazz CDs in the back?

Let's fucking. that's how they tell if kids are gay that the dude doctor comes out for the first time You were sorry you're getting a little hard there Yeah son's gay mess Why would it this out? I tell the doc to wear something tight You know they send in a lady doctor

And then a girl doctor and they're like measure how hard And be like well He's by actually That's somebody that was just like a mental illness And like the DS model They're like yeah gay they're like just something Like pussy's so cool How is this kid not into it?

He has to be mentally insane If he doesn't like pussy Pussy's so cool Pussy is like yeah This guy has to be That sounds like some of a closeted gay guy I would say Pussy's so cool Isn't pussy the coolest guys?

I guess But that's exactly how they thought back to out They're like dude This guy doesn't like Yeah He's insane He has to be out of his mind Retarded

You farked right It's cool right In the pussy Yeah there's no way This guy He's deranged There's something wrong with him He's a danger to society

if he doesn't like pussy. Damn, that fucking conversion therapy is like so fucked up, but I wonder like what it must have. Do you think like some part of it

was them just showing them pictures of vaginas they're like, I bet you they're trying to they're trying to. It's cool as fuck, dude. You think they don't think they fuck?

They let, like, they probably hire whores. That would be illegal. Oh, then. I don't know what you're bro, T. It's like, bro,

you can't fuck hookers, you can't get your kids to fuck hookers. Oh, I actually knew somebody in the local town who, Apparently, my friend do this family, and apparently the dad was, like, really rich,

and he, like, got hookers to fuck, like, his 15-year-old sons. Kids were fucking dogs. Any other, were they, like, showing signs. I think maybe they were 16, but... Whatever. That makes it better. They could drive? All right, that's cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, um... What was the point? Was he like, my sons might be getting. How do you not get this? Bro, are you insane? What was the point of fucking chicks? I don't know, right?

You're going to bring you to the hospital, dude? Are you fucking insane? I guess I am. That'd be hilarious. Yeah, my son's acting up. It's cool. That'd be simple. You call a hospital, yeah, we need a baker act to my son.

It's like he doesn't get pussy. He doesn't understand how it works. My son's 14 and he hasn't gotten any pussy. Yeah, he's got to be out of his mind. I think he might shoot up his height. I mean, to be fair, there is a correlation between the two things. I don't think there's been any gay high school shooters, though. Once they come to terms of it, they're like, why don't it be?

I think there's nothing more to terms with being gay than a gig. I know that sounds weird, but I feel like straight people, we're still never at terms of who we are. But if they're gay people, they really come and they're like, this is who I am to a person. I think it's, I think even more so if you're transgender. Yeah, you're like, this is who I want. Isn't that a whole Louis bit? He's like, they know what's wrong. He's like, I wish I knew. They're in the wrong

body. He's like, I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Yeah. I feel that all at time. I wonder, like, I had a great job, but I'm randomly like, was I, I would have no idea if I was molest. You know what I mean? You're like, I don't know. Just because like, I watched weird porn sometimes. I'm like, how did this get started? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good chance. A lot of camps growing up. That was the funny thing I was reading about, because you know how aliens, they say a lot of people that think they've been abducted by UFOs are really just people that are molested and that's how their brain. And I'm like, that's got to be such a bummer. You think you had a cool experience with an alien. You're like, I'm special. It's like, oh, are you serious. My uncle just fucked me. That's way less cool.

Like, this sucks. I thought it was like a special thing. It turns out. You saw the light. Turns out uncles are just really good at like pretending to be aliens. Just a mascot. I wonder how many times like a CIA. or an FBI guy had to listen to some guy's story about being anally probed before he was like

I'm pretty sure you all got raped to do it. That would make more sense. You can't learn much from your asshole. Yeah.

That's horrible. That sucks. I think we're going to call it there though. Where can they find you guys online? Jake Timothy, Instagram.

T.E. J. Francis, Instagram. Yeah, because he's a golfer. All right, guys. Thank you for listening. T.

Oh.