Morning Good - The Top Boys - Episode 267

Episode Date: April 27, 2025

From Tampa, Florida, Paddy Defino and James Donlon join the show for today's episode. They talk about penis reviews, the mob history of Tampa Bay, and the Kanye West nitrous oxide theory. Thanks to Paddy and James for coming back on the show after moving all the way to Florida. They're still some of our favorite guests. Check these guys out on previous episodes of Morning Good, and for even more, hit their links below.James is on Instagram @jamesdonlon_ and Paddy is on Instagram as well @paddy_is_funky. Both of them co-host News From Bed on YouTube every Sunday.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Hey, what's going on? It's Dirty Mike and the Boys. Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you Dirty Mike in the Boys? Man, Kimbebh, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, King. Dan Blaserian Goundown. What's this? They called the podcast?

Morning Good, good. Oh, I love that. And LaZam Kim Bill. Welcome to Morning Good. All right. We're here. It's fucking Morning Good. Ooh, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, welcome to morning good, good, good.

Wow, wow, wow. Thanks for the M-Shack. I love dirty Mike in the boys. This feels like, like, I don't know. Like before this, I was like, I'm kind of tired. I'm sweet because I have a high food. And then the second I was like, we're recording with fucking James Donlin and Paddy. This is.

That's right. Nutrients in your stomach. Yeah, this added nutrients, dude. Because it's like, I don't know. Look, I'm going to pretend like I like my other guests. I don't like it as much as you guys. You can. He goes. Joe Gorman comes in close, dude.

He's a funnel tree. He does come in close. There's something about Joe, though, that I'm like, like, what does he do when he's not podcasting? You know? I don't know. There's like, that's a question that I think about. He literally just smokes pot and plays video games. I picture I'm meeting gushers.

He seems like a big gushers guy. Yeah. He seems like he only eats kids foods, like Spongebob Cheetos and stuff. Or not cheetos, what do you call the little sponge bob cheese its? Oh, yeah, yeah. Cheese nips. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They got the characters on them. Yeah, yeah. Aren't you glad you're here? We just start a little with cheese and them. You're like, I don't believe I'm here. So, uh, cheese. Yeah. What are you doing down here?

What? Uh, dude, I did Easter with my family, which was, uh, everything's just been, this diet, a thing is terrible and I'm never doing it again. It's like, there was a whole buffet. They took me to like a country club buffet, like wonderful food and I just had salmon. Right. It was, it was terrible. Well, the salmon's pretty good.

Yeah, but my dad's just like, holy fuck, this fucking French toast is the best of it. Did you ever think about just pretending you were a bear? This is the best Easter ever. You have a nice river I can catch this out. Yeah. Yeah, if you had someone like wiggle it around and you had to just go get it with your mouth, it would have made it taste better too. That is true, yeah.

Because you would have been like, I worked for this. Yeah. Instead, I watched my father literally come in his pants, eating a fucking the waffles Everybody my family's like You have to The waffles

Like they were going insane They were like No no no I need more I need it's so it's so good I'm like are you guys Are you guys Like cutting meat there too Oh dude they had they had one of those

I did have some ribby Where they got like the little like You know I'm talking about a little Yeah A little slice And you gotta be like A little thicker than that Yeah

I love ordering a guy around To cut meat that's fine I don't even care about the ribby I just want the knife That's that sharp Yeah You know how they just like, it's just like butter. Oh, yeah.

Like even cutting a tomato, I'd like that. You know, yeah, I used an exact one knife today to cut drywall and that was pretty fun. That is. Although the sound and the texture makes my like skin crawl. Yeah. That's why I could never be Mexican. Do they cut things? Well, yes, but also dry wall.

I could never be an MS-13. I wonder, do, do you, if there's any icky gangsters with blood, like they're fine killing people, but then they just don't want to look once the leads. They're like, boom. Yeah, like Pablo Escobar. Kill him. Oh, wait till I turn around. I now go.

We used to have a friend's dad. We used to play a little character like that. He was this Hispanic guy. And he was, like, loaded. Like him to his country, it's like nothing. And then open, like, a car dealership. But we always, like, made his, like, reluctant gangster character. Where he's like, look, I don't want to be a bad guy, but I'm going to have to kill your family.

Like, people, like, people look at me like, I'm the big gang. or I'm going to have to kill your daughter. It's not my favorite thing to do. You seem like a really nice guy, but I just have to do this. Yeah. Because you didn't pay for your Honda Civic. I'm going to have to. I give you a great APR.

What does APR stand for? A penis review? Yes. I like those. I like penis. You like a penis review? Dude, there's this one video where... You watch other guys penis reviews?

Yeah, totally. I do you say I like them. I assume you like people to rate your penis. No, no, no, no, no. I like watching women review guys' penises, and then I find one that looks kind of like mine. I go, oh, this is basically her reviewing my penis. Wow.

Is everything, is it at a 10? Is it just like how many inches long out of 10? Well, there's one. It was called like Hayes Planet. And it'll just be like a naked guy standing there. And a woman just being like, hmm, I don't like this. I do like that. Like a dog show.

They're like, like, touching the ball. And they like feel the top of it. Yeah, I kind of like it. It's kind of fun. But, I mean, here, I mean, I mean, I didn't know about the fucking, this is the porn stuff is scary. Yeah, well, they, they have like a, a quarantine, a quarantine. A quarantine. Oh, you mean you can't watch porn in Florida? You can, I mean, you can just go to other websites, but like ex-hamster trying to get on there and maybe put my face in like I was doing like a,

I put my head in like a little frame to like, you'd upload your face to watch porn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if like, it's like this guy. It's like, it's funny because if you go to Porn Hub, there's like a picture of like a porn star and like, like, just being like, yeah, you can't do. I I wonder if, like, you try to watch, like, child porn in Florida? If there's, like, boss baby is like, sorry. Because of Ron DeSantis, you can't. You can't watch child porn. You try to watch bestiality.

There's a horse. Yeah, there's a penguin. Hello. Thank you. I did, like, I didn't understand the rules a little bit because I think what I didn't know quite what's happening. So I did look Googling. And I miss Googled something. It basically said, like, Article 432, like, makes obscene porn illegal in Florida.

And then I was like, it was examples. And somebody, like, somewhere it's like urination on there. It's not illegal. It's like a court of law could consider that obscene. You know how it's like one of those things. Yeah, that's like really gray, isn't it? No, it's pretty yellow. This guy is ready.

No, it is gray. But I was watching porn last night. It's very funny because, like, I clicked on it. It was, whatever. It was fucking fart. There's chick farting. It popped up. I was like, but I was like, I might get arrested.

Just because my brain, I was like, I was like, in my mind, I was like, I'm going down like this. I'm like, I'm going to be the Nelson Mandela for this. I was like, I was like, I'll be a martyr. Take me out. Yeah, you imagined yourself like walking out of a courthouse with like people at signs. Three Michael three. Three charges of fart porn. I will not jerk off until everyone can jerk off.

Your balls are huge. two charges of jizzing into a balloon animal. Oh, dude, speaking of balloon animals, I didn't even talk about the clown job on this podcast at all. Oh, really? Yeah, dude. Wow. So we covered it first. Yeah, you guys go to address this.

You guys did a full breakdown of morning good. It's too late now to cover it. Just because you're here. Why is it too late? Because I was mad at you before we hit recording because we've ducked on you. We just took you down maybe like three or four weeks ago. And if you think there's not going to be. a full review of this podcast

on the next news from Ben. It's like this podcast, people act like their friends and then afterwards they're like, I'll be honest, like I didn't, I was really uncomfortable with some of the questions he asked.

Right. You guys do like a thing like that on me. You're like, honestly, he came in and like, it looked like we were having fun, but like you missed the whole beginning. He made us really,

he was very rude to us when we first started. They don't tell you this, but Michael, before he does a podcast, he makes you review his penis for 10 minutes. Me completely naked,

just standing. in the corner. I turn around and show my budget. Yeah. We have a check to the board. All right. It's gray. Here Here's your receipt. Your yellow receipt sheet.

But I, that was one of the funniest things the world and I was ready to respond to it and I just forget. I like, like, sometimes you just start recording and you just forget. I guess we just didn't hit you hard enough. Yeah, you got to, you got to watch yourself. It wasn't that. Listen, listen. Have we seen Michael's feet without socks since? I don't

think so, you know? This is a... No, they were off on the last one. Yeah, yeah. I really... I don't watch your podcast. I doubt, you guys got... Someone I hate is on. You guys got me really good. So for the listeners, they broke down my podcast and brought up how I say I don't pander

to defeat people. And then you showed an episode where I was wearing shoes and then now I no longer wear shoes. Yeah. Check out news from bed, the trial of Michael Good if you're interested. It's a pretty good criticism. Yeah. Well, thank you. It was fine. We wanted to do like a Red Bar episode just about Morning Good.

Yeah. Because like we thought that would be funny. It was amazing. I love Red Bar. It's so good. It's the best. We want to kind of go through like all of the open mic podcast, but like you're the only one who I know would actually find it funny.

Right. Like if we had like, no, there's so like soft underbelly like weirdos. I'll be like, oh, what do you mean you don't like? It's like it's the game, man. You think like local radio hosts in the 90s were like soft. balling each other. You gotta like do something. We've had our eyes on two nosy mirror cats by the way. Yeah, we're gonna go after.

Wait, who? That's Lucas Arnold and Gabby. Gabby Petito. Gabby Petito or bloated corpse. By a Riverside. Lucas Arnold is doing a Malaney impression next to a dead body. Gabby really, really came and went.

It's really funny with something like... Literally, I only knew her as a dead lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her before. I never knew her alive. Her boyfriend killed himself, right? In like some Sarasota park. Yeah, she, her boyfriend killed himself in a park that's like 10 minutes

away from my friend Jonah. Dang. Yeah. Incredible disc golf there. Yeah. Whole nine, you just bank it off his bald dead head. Boink right into the chains, baby. That sounds like a good obstacle.

I don't know. Like, I've talked to that. I wonder how many dead bodies are in like a lake in Florida. Like, like, do you think Tampa Bay? How many dead bodies do you think are actually in there? Oh, well, uh, I don't. I'm sure. So many people get murdered and then like just some of them make the news.

Well, even in the in the past, there was such like a hot spot for like the mob and then like Cuban people set up here. And there was all these conflicts going on like with ebor and cigars and shipping stuff from Cuba. Yeah. So there's such like a mob history here that there's definitely like bodies from 200 years ago up until today. Now it's just children they find. Yeah. It's so fucking crazy. Does it do we know like where SpongeBob takes place?

Bikini bottom. But like like a like what is. like geographically. Do we know we're Beaconne Codagh? Okay, so we're Shell City because they go, that this is where... That's Iraq. Okay, Shelds it is Iraq. It's Iraq. So Spongebark is in the Red Sea.

Yeah. I'm surprised he's not like Middle Eastern. Yeah, he should be. He's very American sounding. Patrick is an American... Patrick is like the representation of an American like eight-grade student. Mr. Crabbs.

I always know he's Jewish. Yeah, yeah. That's Israeli, you know, Mr. Crabs. Mr. Crabs. Yeah, they are all semites. I need me money. Has anybody taken, I guess everybody's taking that stance. The whole just, I don't know.

What stance? The whole, I, you want to talk about Israel versus Palestine? It's not. It's not, dude. Welcome to morning good. That hasn't last night on a show. It's so funny. Two shows, by the way, I got the same heckle, but it's one show.

I was like, oh, dude, it's a fucking sick hoodie. What do you do drugs, bro? And he's like, actually, it's free Palestine. And I was just like, what if we just got, what if we just got, rid of both of them, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Israel. My new rule, Bill Maher style,

if you start a war with anyone, both of you, done. Yeah. It's kind of like Keenbach was talking about how a homeless guy started fighting him at 7-Eleven, and the guy was like, you guys take it outside. Yeah. He just, you just cancel each other out. And then when two homeless people kill each other, like a tree grows out of them.

Yeah. Wow. How beautiful. It is beautiful. Yeah. That's what we need to do. Get all the Israelis and Palestinians line them up shoot them in there just let them put them in camps

realistically I would say that it would be really funny if the Holocaust happened again but like in a way that we were like wait are we just doing like we didn't notice it was happening

like we just started being like okay we need to you know what I mean like we start rounding of cheese for its other purpose and we're like this is just bound

to repeat it's right yeah they're destined they just love going to camps you know like like ever talked to a Jewish first about going to like the summer camps growing up

where they all just like suck and fuck each other. I never got to go to a sleepaway camp as a kid. I never like did that. I went to vacation Bible school. Oh, same. Yeah. Boy, what a vacation. I don't know.

Give me a break. If you wanted a vacation from the Bible, you should probably lose to the war of Iraq. Sodomize yourself. Dude, I went to whatever. I went to like religious camp and I was like, there's like some hot chick. I was like, dude, I would rail the fuck out of her.

And like it got her out of the camp, So he's like, so apparently... You're pointing at a picture of Virgin Mary. No, that word is, what cabin is she staying in? Yeah, I was like... But I remember the camp, like, the leader came up to me. He's like, so you're saying you... You said you would rape Bethany?

I was like, no, no, no, rail. He goes, yeah. What does that mean? I was like, dude, how do you... How are you that far away from understanding? Railing is consensual. Pounding is not consensual. Oh, no, pounding and railing are consensual.

I mean, they can be either, but... If you're like, I think just raping is raping. I think you say I'm going to. That's, I like to hear it. Why are there so much train terminology with sex too? Rail, run a train. Caboose. Look at the caboose on that lady.

Look at the engine on that. I like to shovel some coal in that. Yeah, I'm always saying like pounding or pounding the nails into the track. Yeah. And you're polar hair. You're like, let me hear that whistle. Yeah, exactly. Right?

Yeah. This sex is going off the track. Yeah. It's like when you fall off the bed. Right. I've become like a sexless being recently. I think it's, welcome to the club.

Yeah, dude. Nice, dude. I feel like I, I don't know, I want to read books now and stuff. Oh, really? Dude, I, like, because when you're not, when you're fucking starving yourself, your body is, like, telling you not to fuck. Right. So, like, yesterday was just a maintenance jerk because I was like, I haven't jerked off

in five days. And, like, I probably should get some come out of my balls. Yeah. I, like, reluctantly masturbated defarced. It's like cleaning the spit valve. Yeah. I'm just, I'm just so unhorney. Yeah, that's weird.

Just because you've dedicated yourself to dying. Basically. slowly just like allowing your body to feast on itself. You're turning into a monk, Munkle Good. Welcome to Munkle Good. Welcome to Munkle Good. Welcome to Munkle Good. Do you think Mugs have like a good sense of humor?

I think they would not. It's so funny because there's such a weird spirituality thing that when you go like too far one way or another way, there's some like sense of humor lost that seems to happen. Well, they're not allowed to like make any sound, right? Well, a silent monk can't. Can you fart? I was just thinking that.

Now we're on to something. If someone, if like, a man. Imagine being in a monastery full of monks reading ancient scriptures. And you're just kind of hanging out. You let loose an archaic fart, like one that has been brewing for an eon. It's got to be so good. And it's just echoing through like the giant halls of wherever they reside. Even the tigers are like, look at.

I guarantee like at least one of them like laughs and then they just like shoot them on this one. I don't know what you do. Situate themselves. So the Dalai Lama is like the head monk, right? Is that what it is? There's all different religions that have different monks. What does a monk mean? A monk is like someone who fully dedicates their life.

It's almost like a priest in a way. But a monk is someone that maybe doesn't have to like speak in front of like a congregation. They're kind of just like, like it's like Jews have a similar thing where they just go and like study the Torah. But they're not like necessarily going in front of their congregation to like preach about it. Like a monk just like sits there and just counts beads and just dedicates themselves to like the upkeep of the temple. It sounds like somebody just wants to fucking do nothing. Yeah.

Oh yeah. And he's like convinced himself it's something. Basically just sitting around and doing nothing. Yeah. If I could like schedule it, what if we could get the Dalai Lama and Dolly Parton to fuck? Oh. That would be pretty cool. Yeah.

It'd be cool for the Dalai Lama. Remember when that the Dalai Lama like sucked a child's tongue like last year? Oh yeah. In that video? Like a child like walked up and he was like and then the Dalai Lama just went, just sucked this dog. You know what I want to start doing a podcast that's dedicated to every year we take. one thing and we don't give up on it because too much happens and goes

right it does go pretty quick so this year is Gabby Papino Gabby Papino Gabby Papino Gabby Pepino Hey was anyone seeing my boyfriend I lost my boyfriend on a hike Yeah there's no bathrooms on this hike have you ever watched his like

His pizza reviews All he took for five minutes he talks about how there's no bathroom he's like well there's no bathroom so I don't know if this is a good place If you really says, look up the Pepino Clemenza show. He's his drunk guy that used to hang out at the pair. And I thought he was the owner because you get drunk and be like, I own this place. So I just thought he was the owner.

That would make sense. Yeah, it turns out you're just an alcoholic that hung out there. Yeah. What is it about comedy clubs where there's just like a drunk weirdo who claims to own the play? There's two clubs here where there's just drunk guys sitting there and then you'll get into a conversation with them on accident. And then they're like, yeah, I actually own this place. I'm like, I know the owner. I feel like you don't.

I feel like if he took Pepino and just dropped him off. in like an African like tribal area like he would become like the sultan they would like worship him thinking he's like a demi god or something yeah yeah a demi glaze because I've never seen the shape of a human that way

he's very he's like a Danny DeVito type he is he's been on the show no I think I think TJ had him on his podcast no it's probably the last podcast he's ever been invited on never gonna have a public TJ's of content

TJ quit comedy Yeah, it's so funny the two directions Because there's a lot of people who do a lot of stand-up And then they're like I get it because you have a serious job But you're like, I've just I got to tone it back in a notch Everybody's like I want to get out of the public light

I don't want it. And it's like there is just my digital Our digital footprints are so I mean our digital Literally Footprints We as we say on news from bed Is there you smell bad?

No As we say on news from bed We bear our souls on every episode. Yeah. Yeah, there's no going back. No, no, no. You know what's funny, too, is like,

you've been fired from, like, three jobs for your podcast. I've worked, like, city jobs for eight years. Never once have I had, like, even a,

hey, like, what is this, you know? I thought the clown, I mean, it's crazy that the one job that did not do a background check was the children's birthday clown.

That is pretty crazy. Yeah, that's up, yeah. I almost got in a fight with this guy. So I went in for training, which is like balloon animals, cotton candy and magic. And,

uh, is that the name of it? Yeah. The three one. 101. Yeah. And I was like, all right,

this would be fun. And this fucking guy, dude, he just starts like, I'm making balloon animals. He's like, no. He's just like,

gay rushing. He's like, it's not how you do it. Did you not listen to me the first time? I'm like, I'm looking at face and I go, why would I know how to do this? So I was like,

why in the world would I know how to make balloon animals. Unless I'm literally a pet of five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no reason. He just kept getting mad at me. And I had this whole speech and I was just going to load in on him.

But then he didn't give me one more strike. So I can't be like, yeah, you remember five minutes ago when you're being really mean. Well, it works then. Yeah, yeah. His high pressure environment made you a better clown. Yeah, that's true.

If a little girl walks up to you and wants a butterfly and you're like floundering it over it. That is true. She's just going to start crying. That is true. My hand was shaking with a cotton candy stick. I was just like waiting for him to say one more word to me. Why is cotton candy a part of it?

What are you just kind of? Why is that a clown's job? Yeah, that doesn't seem like the clown's responsibility. That seems a little outside. Balloon animal, of course. But the cotton candy is the strangest one. Well, they're not doing like, it's not like, like, they're not like birthday clown. I mean, I wore a clown nose for the interview.

Right. Because I was the only one that took fucking seriously. But, um, the, but like, they're like, we're like new clowns. We don't paint our faces and stuff like that. they're like hipster colors. Yeah, yeah. Wow. It was like artisan balloons.

He was a fucking. Because it was so funny because they were like, okay, so how the job works, it's going to be you in a truck. It's, you pick up the truck with a female clown. And immediately, I was like, yeah. Yeah. A clownette. A clown pussy.

Immediately. And then I show up to orientation. Fucking hot clown bitch, dude. I was like, dude, I would fuck it. Even you could see her figure through the big parachute pants. Oh, yeah. By the time she had that. unicycle, you got all the figure you needed.

Yeah. Do you have to learn a juggle or anything? Uh, she learned out of juggly's fucking nuts in her mouth. Hey, there we go. We're doing some face painting with my come. You do like a Spider-Man look on her face. I can just imagine the clown school

like watching this on like in an auditorium. He's perfect. These are the people that try to come and be a clown. he even wore a nose. Rule number one is never take clowning seriously. That's the point.

That was the best email with the guy. I literally asked one question. I was like, so was scheduling like would I be off at like 9 o'clock or like 8.30? He was like probably 8.30. Only thing I'd asked in the thing. And then I get an email saying, George thought you were a natural.

It's just because I wore the nose. It's so funny. What a weird day, dude? I was just in an office space. Just like thinking about how much I want to fuck this clown chick while also wanting to fight this gay Russian guy. And then I just didn't get paid for that because it was like you get paid after training. And I thought that meant, but they're like, it's only when you complete the training you get paid.

And I was like, oh, fuck this. Fuck you guys. Yeah. But I didn't get to say that. So I was just like, yeah, I'll definitely be back. Oh, there was like another series of days. They apparently train, you don't get paid for training until they think you're done being trained. There's no official number.

Oh, until you're like a fully formed clown. Yeah. I was like, hey, is it like, five sessions? They're like, I love people like that. They're miming. He's like,

can you reach for your wallet? He's in a box. I can't. I love people like that. He's still talking. He's still talking. He's like a shitty. People just can't answer fucking questions.

I hate that. They're like, I don't know. I'm like, just give me a fucking estimate of how many. Like, well, I don't want to tell you it's four. And then it doesn't it being six.

Like, what do you think I'm to come back with a knife and stab? you if it ends up being six. Yeah, that would be the most clown thing you could do. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm angry. I'm furious about this clown asshole. You should be the Zin clown. Yeah, you should be the Zin'n in while you're clown.

You open up a tin and a bunch of snakes fly out. Yeah, that's a great idea. Take as many as you want. You have anything I could spit into. It's pretty gross, but just take your sock up. I can give you like a cup. Yeah, yeah, that's not what I do.

How do you spit with the Zin? The whole thing is it gets into your, it gets into your spit and you swallow it because that's how the nicotine gets into you. You know what? I'm going to swallow it. I'm going to do that different. No, I'm listening to you guys. I'm going to swallow this. Right. Unlike Patty's ex-girlfriend,

who was a whore, he said. That's right. Who didn't swallow. Who didn't swallow. Yeah. So you were looking to do that as like a side gig? Have you ever thought of just like getting like a normal job instead of flying to Florida to boss around Honduran men or being a clown or pursuing stand-up comedy?

It was like working at a grocery store. What's really funny is it's like I'm basically here. Everything was a jumping off point. And then this has just been the job that's been sort of because I was like, I'll work for my cousin for a little bit or, you know, I could like make a bunch of money. And the next thing you know, I'm like, tell you what, though, cutting out drinking, I'm living on minimum wage right now. Yeah.

I have no issues. I cut out drinking and I've saved so much money. Right. I literally was like donating blood to make like enough money to get like fucking some beers. Yeah. And like, yeah, it was crazy, dude. I was so poor, dude. Just hop and turnstiles,

eating berries I found on the ground in the park. Foraging. Yeah, yeah. You had to forage, get some fungus underneath the train train track. If you want to, just spin into this. You cool that? Yeah, just wash it out at the end. Every time we do this, I start doing it.

And then the guest goes, oh, oh, oh, it's, ew, no. We're in the south, dude. Everyone spits. Yeah. You should have brought a big gulp cup to spit down a straw in, too. Oh, God, that is disgusting, though. It is. When you see it running down the side of...

Immediately after he says it's okay. Do you think people are nicer down here? Yes. I think people are more sociable for sure. Yeah. I would say yes. Yeah, across the board, yeah. Yeah.

But there are still like some just like... It's just the age of people, like the 21 to 24 year old people that you encounter. You know, if you're out at night or like you go do something or whatever. I think that just this whole generation is very antisocial and kind of shitty. Yeah. I mean, it's the bones, obviously.

It's the bones. That's all about those bones. That's what DeSantis. Yeah, I think it's probably, probably just wants people to get pussy again. I would hope so. That's a good governor thing. Maffa. Make America fuck again.

That's right. Oh, I was thinking about it. You know how May Planner is married to Mark Norman? Yes. Do you think when she goes on stage, she goes, female comedy? That could be good. I don't think she does that, but. She just steals us.

I am about to be an uncle. I'm excited about that. Wow, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Who's the lucky uncle? Who's the lucky father? Is it your brother?

Yeah. He's got him a kid? Yeah. Is he married? Yeah. Cool. Yeah, no, it was like a planned one. That's good.

But it is very, I don't know, it really doesn't change. I really just don't want kids. Like, every time I see a kid, I'm like, this is cute to,

like, play with for like four minutes. And then I'm like, the idea of having this from other four more than this is a nightmare to me. Yeah. Like one day, yes. Right.

I don't know what I would have to happen to me where I want that because everybody's like, you want them one day, but I'm like, I don't know what makes you, like, like, I kind of want every part of life.

I do want to get divorced. And that sounds crazy. No, I actually understand that. Yeah. I'm like, I want to have a wife, a kid, a whole family. And then get divorced. And then lose everything in your 40s and then somehow find a way to build it all back.

Yeah, I want, I want multiple chapters. And then look up that clown number again. Just training your balloon animal. But even when you've had like long-term relationships, you didn't see yourself having a kid with her? Oh, no, totally. I like pictured our baby all the time. Right.

That's the difference. Because you just haven't had like a big long-term relationship. Yeah, I picture kissing it on the temple. Okay. And it's just you with like a full. head of hair just in a baby's body. It's baby blue, indigo, Rodney Dangerfield.

Yeah, you're a fan of our podcast, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I listen every week, dude. I actually do listen to before, but, like, my thing is because I don't drink alcohol. Right. So you've just become a complete, strange weirdo now. No, I do.

Like, I'll just be honest. I just do pills now. Oh, okay. What kinds? It's Adderall and Colonnopid, and I've cut down a lot, but it is kind of like, Doesn't that just equal nothing?

Well, the Adderall wakes you up and the clon of it puts you to sleep. It's because starving yourself fucks up your sleep cycle. Right. So, yeah, basically that's what's going on. Yeah, I did notice I don't sleep nearly as well because I'm off weed and Wendy's. Nothing like a doctor's like, you need to get yourself some frosties. Yeah. A spicy chicken sandwich and a bowl goes along.

Yeah. Dude, they wake up at 4 a.m. Like, hot, hot, hot, hot. Dude, you can't, like, after eating a frosty, you can't stay awake. Oh, yeah. It's, like, the strongest benzodiazepy. It really is, yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's Patty's reward if we get through, we're on podcast. We have a weight loss journey. And if Patty loses the weight in the six weeks, he gets to smoke weed again. Yeah. There's really something on the table there. And I've technically already lost the weight. Oh, yeah. We got on the scale, and it said Patty lost 17 pounds in two weeks.

And it's like, and I get on the scale and it's like, It's like five. And I'm like, all right, that's normal. Why was Patty's 17 pounds? It doesn't make any sad. But I like, I don't look 17 pounds lighter, but I maybe look like seven or eight pounds lighter than. That's all. Yeah, you looked great when I saw you.

I was like, you look 10. I thought James Collins was like shit. Yeah. Well, by comparison. But it's like ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah, Florida looks good on Patty. Have you missed him?

Of course. Yeah. Who'd you get in that room? The new roommate is showful energy. He's like a 22 year old's name is Josh. He's like, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, he's, I love him. He's funny. He's nice, but it is so funny seeing somebody young like that. You're like, oh, boy, it's going to get beaten out of you.

He's a common. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, dude, there's this one guy at the open mic who was like funny and he had sock puppies. And I love New York City. And I'm like, wait till it destroys you. Yeah. Wait till you're donating plasma for money.

And you wait till you're a literal cloud. Oh, yeah. Wait till you're crying on the train. That's really like when I felt like I was like, I got to get out here. You cried on the train. All the time. They live in graves at. I live in hour, 15 minutes out of the train. outside of like Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

I lived like the one stop north of Cody Island. The stop I used to get on is where the woman got set on fire. Oh my God. That was where I used to get on. Dude, somebody fucked a corpse on the train. Right. Yeah, that's crazy. That is like, it's funny how depraved that is.

That's like being like somebody got decapitated on the train and they licked his eyeball. You're like, this is such an insane act. I bet they thought they were still alive, but they were like passed out or something. They're like, ew. They were grossed out by it. You're trying to rape and you end up a necrophilia. I thought she was trying to rape. I thought she was alive.

They're like, yeah, you're still in jail forever. Probably less time, though, to rape a corpse versus a live person. Because there's no residual trauma that follows the person that's dead. It is highly immoral. Can you give us your account of what happened? Looks like we don't have enough evidence. No witnesses. Looks like no one can prove.

We found. gallons of her semen inside of her book. Man, see, if stuff like that happened to be on train, we'd have great stuff to talk about on the podcast. Right. Nothing exciting happens. Don't put that out there because something really weird is going to happen to you. No, something is.

Yeah. I mean, my school got fucking shot up fucking a week ago. You were high school? No, Florida State. Oh, right. It's so funny. It's only that happens. By like the sheriff's son, too, wasn't it?

It was like a sheriff's office. Yeah. Yeah. It was like one of the woman officer's kid. And he, like, took her gun that she had, like, And he just started firing. Do you, like, look at the video and you're like, oh, dude, I used to skateboard through there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was definitely, like, one of those things where it's so funny, too, because the immediate thing that habits, I'm a complete piece of shit and things like this where, like, it makes me sad when stuff like that happens to a place that feels like very connected to you. Right.

But there's just so part of me that was going to post like a seminal picture. And I was like, I can't do it. Like, there's that little part of me that's like, I'm like, this is my. I haven't been there in, I haven't visited since I graduated. In my mind, I'm like, I am a simile. We're all similes.

Yeah, like, for me to, like, post a picture, like, someone would actually have to rape, like, Toadet from Mario, Super Mario, and I'd be like, I stand with... I stand with Toadette. The Super Mario Universe. She was dead on the train. Someone threw a blue shell on her. That video is crazy that the Starbucks one. You saw that?

No. There's a black chick, like, walk with Starbucks. And she just shows, like, a dead body. And she's like, it's crazy out here. I don't know if she says that, but, like, she's showing. goes to dead body and then like... It's not that. Where?

No, no. So she's walking by a dead body on campus. Or somebody who's ass is bleeding. Oh, she's at FSU. Hopefully it's just somebody who's injured. Then they're like, oh, I feel like it clots. I was just faced down with my ass bleeding. But yeah, no, you see, like,

she's like drinking a Starbucks. Like, you kind of see her like, you don't really see her face. You see, like, somebody taking a sip of Starbucks show in a dead body and then just like walking. Oh, my God. Straight caramel. Yeah. That's crazy.

I didn't see that. Yeah, it's fucking. Saying, yeah. I mean, it's so many, too, because I used to always worry about that because I'd take too much Adderall in college. And I'd just be in class and, like, some weird kid to reach in his backpack. I think it's going to get fucking shot. Right. So I would like, my OCD, I would like go to the bathroom for like 10 minutes and be like, all right.

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't have anything like that in college. Like, those were always fun. But like shootings like that's a day. The thing that happened when I was in college was that. shootings are controversial. Yeah, no, but I'm saying to that level.

Like, like Jacksonville, always shootings because I went to college in Jacksonville. Like the guy went in and shot up the Madden tournament. There was like a big shooting. where this guy went into like a professional like Madden. They were all playing games. And he like shot a bunch of people there. And in downtown Jacksonville. Our friend, my friend was there.

We were like, oh, like you have a connection to stuff. But nothing ever happened on campus. We had a KKK member on campus. That was a big deal. What was he doing? He was just like, I'm not that anymore. I just want a degree in journalism. They're like, well, why are you wearing the outfit?

It's the laundry day. Labor Day is next week. I got to wear all my. white. That is a funny thing to think about like the white. Do you think they have like multiple clan outfits like for different occasions? Oh yeah. Yeah, like an Easter,

Klan outfit. It's just like pastel. It's a pink and purple. You got to. I mean, those guys love camo. Big bunny here. They got,

there's got to be a camo. Or are you wonder if there's anybody that like doesn't. I think the neo-Nazis are a little different. I think like they're stylistically a little different. Like clan is more like rednecking. Right. Yeah. Neo-Nazi's more bikery.

But I wonder if there's any guy who just like hates Jews and blacks, but like does not like. hunting or fishing. Yeah. He's like, that's like, that's literally like dumb people's stuff. Right.

I like reading. No, there's definitely guys like that. I like reading mind coming. I think that's like the new clan is like the ones who, because there's, it's like the bell curve. It's like the really dumb people like become, you know,

the people that hate other races. Then like there's everyone in the middle. And then there's the people who read too much where it's like, all right, you can't read everything. Right. You're just going to hate every single species. It's like a guy who has like a Greek statue profile. file picture just tweeting like, well, this race

is like sub-intelligence and has no ability to achieve consciousness. I've read three books about this. Like, all right, man, maybe like, maybe treat everyone into Harry Potter. I am realizing I am just becoming a racist, but with comedians. Like, I am just blaming my, my failures

on other people. I'm like, yeah, well, if this TikTok, but these TikTokers who wouldn't keep blowing up, then I would be on TV. Yeah, well, that is a race that you should blast with a fire hose. Chinese people. Chinese people Yeah

Because you think about how funny Oh stop with the holes Get the holes away from me That's Spanish though Oh la No signor no Yeah Patty is a Mexican supremacist

I am Really you believe in the supremacy Of Mexican individuals I do I do So fucking hardworking Yeah Gordita Supreme

Crunch right Yeah It is a little funny That isn't a supreme thing at Taco Bell When they add the the sour cream. I believe so.

And what color is sour cream? White? It's true. Supreme. Tony's been getting into it. You know Tony Wellens? Yes. So he does construction and apparently so funny, I called him on the phone the other day.

He's like, yeah, man, dude, I got to start podcasting. So much is going on. So much has happened in the last week. I was like, what happened? He's like, why did a bunch of Coke and I ate some chick's ass and like a crunch fitness. Which is somebody because you're like a lot happening. I was like going to somebody get pregnant. It is just awesome stories.

from getting pussy. He, like, got his dick sucked on a construction site by, like, a Mexican lady who was, like, cleaning. Oh, my God. That's so sick. That is pretty sick. Like, in a truck. That's crazy. Crunch fitness.

Talk about a crunch. Yeah. Think about how dirty a construction site is, too. How is she cleaning? How is she cleaning it? She's just sweeping as they're getting more saw. Yeah. Well, that is a thing.

There's a vacuuming. Just a dirt lot. There's like, skipping. Sleeping. There's no door. There's like She's making beds that aren't there. Just getting ready.

I'm just going through the motions. It is crazy. Like it's like, I mean, now that I work in construction, it's like you see so many like there's like smoking hot foreign women who are like trying to get citizenship. And you're like, God, nobody tell these people about only fans because like it's you're working for like, like you can make so much money. is like a stripper or like somebody other things. I think all that's going to go away in like a year. Why is that?

Because I think they're going to have AI girls that are going to be way better. Really? But I can tell AI. Everybody's like, you're not, you're not going to be able to tell, dude. They like the only fence because it feels like there's a girl there, though. Like they like talking to them. But if there's an AI girl who knows you and remembers every single thing you say and can constantly talk to you and send you custom,

content to what you like at any hour of the day. Like that, they're going to outwork like the best only fans, girl. It's a good point. Also, I bet you there's a thing too where like you could probably like, for breakups, you could probably like mimic your ex, but like just take all the flaws out. It's like a lot of people are going to do that. Yeah.

They're like, oh yeah, how about, how about they love my Santa? Can you get rid of the flaw of her having small tits? Yeah, give them big ones. Give her three. Her flaws she only has two. too. Let's get this bitch Let's get a total recall on this bitch.

Do you guys feel kind of like I feel like what I've been feeling recently is just unfazed because of so much craziness like that Kanye thing today where Kanye is just opening like I used to suck my cousin's dick till I was 14 I was like that's pretty crazy but this doesn't give me the buzz at you

I just also don't know if it's true. I love the idea of that guy bragging in prison for years he's like yeah bro fucking you know my cousin is Kanye West And then Kanye's like, we used to have... Yeah, he's telling a guy sucking his dick in prison.

Yeah. We used to do this. My cousin Kanye was. Let me, let me spell this out for you. Work it, make it, throw it. And he ring any bells?

I do kind of... El Salvadorian guy. I do respect them kind of put it all out there. A little bit. Yeah. He's kind of like, this is the last of my secrets. He's like, I made us... The song, his songs are now terrible

because they're just thoughts on his head. He's like, My N-words are Nazis. How could I be Hitler? Because I am an N-word. And then he's like, he's like, I did too much nitrous. I used to suck my cousin's penis to the 14. You're like, this is not even close to like rhyming anymore.

Yeah, wasn't the thing with Kanye that, like, he had like a dentist that was just over supplying him with nitrous and that's kind of what fried him this time. Yeah. That's the big thing. I just, is somebody who has done lots of nitrous. I'm always the first to defend nitrous oxide. But also it's like, he's been crazy this whole time. And then I'm like,

He wasn't, it's like, you can get nicer to a smoke shop. So like, everybody blaming the dentist is kind of wild because you're like, yeah, all right. It's like, you could just get that literally at every single smoke shop. You get a tank of nitrous like this tall. Yeah. I think if he wasn't, if he wasn't a dentist, no one would blame him. But the fact that he's a

dentist, they're like, shouldn't you be doing like teeth stuff? He's a dentist with face tattoos. Yeah. Wait, was he really? Yeah, he's like a dentist who has like barbed wire over his forehead. That's so funny. Like the Joker. He's got the fake mouth on his hand. Jared Lito. It's like a really nice pair of teeth with braces on it.

This is you now, but this could be... You see me. Yeah, I don't know. I just feel kind of like unfazed by everything. No, I feel unfazed by everything. It's too much all the time. Kanye admits to blowing his cousin the same day the Pope dies. It's like, dude, I can't keep up.

Yeah. The economy's crashing. There's tariffs. It's like all this crazy shit. But that's like part of the design. It's like you know more about things than ever before. And everyone's on the internet posting everything that ever happened to the whole of time. I miss local gossip.

Like instead of. Kanye, I wish people were like, dude, you know your boss used to blow us. Actually, my boss is my cousin. So that would be me. That would be. You know your boss used to blow his cousin and how it works for us? Yeah, I used to, oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be good drama.

If somebody told me I was molested, I'd be like, oh, now I learned something new. Yeah, yeah. That's drama. Like a therapist, you're like, I love local drama. Michael, you were molested. Yeah, like, ooh, that's spicy. I can't wait to tweet about that. I'm going to talk about this on my podcast.

You know what is? I don't work in an office, so I guess I don't really. I do like gossip. I don't know. Oh, yeah. Dude, I got laid off from a job in November and I met up with some of the guys I used to work with. And I got all the gossip of everyone we used to work for. And I was like, it was like perfect.

Yeah. The guys I knew there was some darkness too, I got the information about. This guy cheated on his wife. This woman was like a slut, like all this stuff that I was like, I could tell. But when you're in the office, they won't tell you. You have to, like, get them drunk at, like, the work function after. You've got to be, like, driving to, like, a meeting to get it out of them. Yeah.

So it's kind of good to, like, the office drama comes a little bit of a slow drip. But you're also, you're always, it's so funny, too. Whenever you hear something of somebody doing something bad, you always picture them doing it in the worst way, which is not normally how things. You're a guy cheat on his wife. You picture him just like, I fucking hate my wife and kids. Just fucking hook her. But, like, really, it could have been him just like, I really don't want to do this.

Right. Yeah. It's his cousin. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, but like... What are your thoughts on this?

Do you think you're a bad person if you fuck somebody in a relationship? Yeah, if you know. Yeah. You're probably bad. I don't think you're necessarily a bad person, but I think that is an immoral thing. Right.

Well, then what do we qualify bad people as? If they're not the ones that do immoral things, then what are we talking about? What about if you willingly do immoral things and you know that they're immoral and then you do them anyway, if you're not like 22 years old, then you start to have the responsibility of it,

which makes you a bad person. When you disregard your bad, better instinct. But aren't you a bad person just in that moment? And then like, like, because people can change. But I guess you're still until, until it's been like a week or a bad person. Right. But I'm sure like Hitler had some regrets in the phone. You're a bad guy the week. Your photos on the wall. Yeah. I think it's also like if you're like drinking and stuff, like you can have that moment that it'll be bad. And like you can kind of have years where you, you know, you don't have yourself in that kind of a situation. But then if that situation comes back again, like I feel like

you're likely to do it again, right? It's a mix. Some people really learn from their mistakes and are like never going to do that again. I think that is a thing. For sure. But also, I really like you guys, because you guys are good. Like, I don't know, I have a lot of friends that I love and they're a lot of fun. But I am like, I do have some friends. I'm like, oh, you are not a moral.

And it's kind of a bummer too when you're like. Yeah. Yeah, I don't even mind the non-moral friends. I hate having to like validate them all the time. It's like, oh, that's not that's not that bad. Right. I'm like, yeah, I don't know, man. You had sex with like three different women that all lived together.

body on the tree. Yeah, dude. It's like, he's on the other side of the glass. No, no, I don't know. I mean, yeah,

if you bank someone in a relationship, they're obviously more culpable for the responsibility of that than you are. But you got to live with it. She's got to live with cheating on, you know, a guy that she's been with for two years or whatever, but she probably wanted to get out of the relationship anyway.

I think like a lot of the immoral behavior comes from like an inability to actually fire the trigger on any of the things you're supposed to be doing. If you're cheating on your boyfriend, you just don't have the balls to break up with them. Just break up with your fucking boyfriend. Yeah, people yeah i think people are just so scared of being alone yeah that's why they just yeah it's kind of tough

because like my grandfather who rest in peace he was killed by the that's the covid that's the news from bet dick that's not yeah okay burn in hell is the morning good day my uh my grandfather when he met my grandmother my grandmother was married and my grandfather met her in church and he told her he's like you're going to be the woman I'm, I'm making a marry. And she's like, she was actually getting engaged, but she's like, she's like, I'm getting engaged. I'm getting, it's not going to happen.

And then eventually, like, they ended up breaking off the engagement. And then my grandpa ended up marrying her. And they were like the perfect couple. Yeah. Everything's messy. You change, like if someone met in the 50s, like, there's like the time. They go, yeah, but we were in love. It seems lighter.

But in the moment, it's like, people are being, you know, I think now it's because like, you just have your phone. you can be like, oh, yeah, like on the side you can be like, yeah, I want your fucking thick fucking car. I want you where the clown nose, wear it, yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Put the clown nose

under your penis on your balls. Pretend to be my cousin. Yeah. No, I don't know, dude. Why have you fuck someone in a relationship recently? No, I just had a friend that did it. And he was like, he was kind of doing that juggling thing where he's like, I mean, it happens, right?

Yeah. Like, not to me. I think like, yeah, after it happens if you're asking for validation, you're probably not the best person. But if you're like, yeah, I shouldn't have done that. He wasn't the example. I think he is actually a really good guy. Like, I like this guy a lot. But my question is kind of like the good people doing the bad thing.

Right. But like I have friends have done way worse. Like, I actually like this guy a lot. He's a good dude. Right. But I think, yeah, I wonder where the line gets drawn with like, what is a bad person. How about this? It's always the woman's fault.

That's a great point. That is the official news for bed. That's the official. Some common ground. Let's put the beef aside and say everything is someone's Put the beef curtains to the side. Yeah, it's the Margaritaville defense. Don't you wish women's pussies had like curtains that you pulled like a little string

and it was like, No, I don't. A spotlight. There was a little girl like, La-da-ha! Singing the Jurassic Park theme song. Like, like, no,

I actually don't wish that. She's ready for sex. She's ready for sex. A lot. The little girl in her pussy indicates she's ready to be ready. I am ready to be far. Welcome to morning good.

Welcome to morning good. And you're like, well, why'd you fuck her? And she's like, well, the little girl was said she was ready. She said. No, man, you were on drugs. You were on a mix of clonopin and Adderall. No, I do think it's what Patty said, though. It is like a constant behavior.

That's the thing is like you have to find your own balance with it. Like I have some friends that I've had to just distance myself because I was living in New York. I had like my whole crew and I come down here and it's like my friends are making weird decisions. It's like, well, I can't really like, it's not fun hanging out with you and we have to duck out of the bar because two girls you banged her here. Like I don't want to be like inconvenience. Selfish. Right. I think I will say this.

If you cheat, I'll still be friends with you. I don't think you're necessarily a bad guy. I think that's a bad thing you did. But I don't trust you. Like it's very funny about it. I'm like, you cheated on the person that you love more than me. Right. You definitely love your girlfriend more than me.

So why would I... I don't know, though. I don't know if men love the women they're with more than their friends sometimes, though. I do think sometimes that, like, the woman is incidental of their life and their boys are, like, the ones that they're going to die with. That's a nice... I do believe that, though. Yeah, see, all of us were like, yeah. Yeah.

But I do think guys are like that. That's cool. It's amazing how much I do feel bros before hoes. Like, I feel like it's, like, one of those rules that I'm like, yeah, I, I, I, you know. I mean, it's the dudes. Right. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, well, this guy carried me home drunk for three years in college.

Like, you, yeah, you blow me and you make me like chicken empanadas every couple of weeks. But, like, this is my lifetime friend. Like, I think men are like that. He's not getting. The only thing this guy is getting out of this is to experience my friendship versus you are getting, like, dates. Yeah. Oral sex. I, yeah, I think it's.

Naked ratings of me. I think it's because when. From his relationship. we get naked ratings of you? I bet if you had a woman who you were in a relationship with and you never had sex, like you waited until after marriage,

I bet your bond would be so strong because with guys, like, we're not like fucking each other. Which is why our bond is so strong. If we started fucking each other, then we'd be like, I think I'm gonna hang out with my girlfriend.

Michael might be... Michael might be expecting me to fuck them. Dude, you like just, I've never my life heard of convincing. answering answer for abstinence, and that makes so much sense. Yeah, because it's like, it's more than the sex. The sex is like another

Yeah. Like here, you have like this ecosystem and then you're like a planet and then you're like a solar system and then the sex is almost like a meteor passing through. It's like its own thing. Yeah. And sometimes they all work in harmony but sometimes it messes up your

ecosystem. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Because I've been friends with women. Like a friend with a woman and some women you're like, some women are lesbian. So it's like there's no tension of sex there. But if it's a straight woman, you're a straight guy and both of you end up single at the same time. You're like, there's now a newfound tension that if like you're a straight guy, you're not having that tension with your friends. And I've never had this. I've thought, wait a sorry. I know some people have had, but if you have someone who is your friend and then you have sex with them and then you stop having sex where you're like,

this isn't working, I've never still been friends with that. I've got a couple of those. Of course. I've never been able to. It doesn't stick around. Yeah. Even like, things are short of sex. I got a couple of those that still... I've had sex with people and then it just turns into a friendship. I got one where this one girl just, we were just fucking.

And then she's like, I'll be honest, I see you as more of a friend, which is really funny because I was like, oh, you're not even trying to date. You're just saying the sex is mid. Because I was like,

there's no aspect of like, I'm looking for something. Every part of you is great. Just the sex is terrible. You're just not. You're not putting it down. It's not worth it. Yeah.

Yeah. It was so funny because and then she's just, like, I see her on dating app still. She's like, just trying to get some dick. And then just like, just not Michael's dick. That's on the bio. Have you ever had this?

This is weird. I, have you ever been alone with a guy and been like, is this guy friend going to try to make out with me? Of course. Yeah, I've had that way. I'm just like, course. You get a guy drunk and you're like, this guy is gay.

No, I'm not necessarily like he's gay. I'm like, I'm like, not that he's gay. He just wants to make out with me. I'm not like he's gay. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, if this guy was ever going to make out with me, this would be the, the moment where he goes for you and I'm like is this guy yeah I've called it wrong before I've had a guy who like it's Aditya my friend Aditya when I first met Aditya he like gets

drunk and he's like leaning and I was really fucked up and he's like leaning in and I'm like oh is you gonna kiss me it's like no it did he just falls over when he's drunk I just was like had to like privately go to our other friends be like is he and they're like no man he fell on you because he's the clumsiest man in America that thought only happens when I'm like really high really When I'm like really high, I'm like, I think it's because like a fear of mine is like intimacy when I'm high. So I'm always like, is this person like trying to fuck me? Because like, even like that like that one time, I think it's probably happened to me with like read where we were at a movie and I was really high. And I'm like, why am I like at a movie with a guy that I like don't know that well?

Because we didn't know each other that well at the time. It was like. It is a date scenario. It's a date. Yeah. movie with my roommate, like I set you guys up. And I'm like, it's not even that you think they're going to, but it's like, does he think I'm going to try to kiss him?

Yeah. Because I am. There's so much like, because you go on dates and it's like so much like the momentum of the night is like, this is where things eventually lead. Yes. Sometimes you hang out with a guy and you're like, these are the same. If we were not two straight guys, this is where we would kiss. Dude, that's why women are making out.

parties and shit. Yeah, this is just where this leg because you just have that moment, dude. Like me and Carney one time

one of the first time was I hung out and Carney will fuck you. He'll, he'll fuck a guy. Dan Carney on record has sex with men all the time.

Really? Constantly. That's the FSU magic. If you guys fucked there would be a news headline that says Carney and the clown.

My acts used to make jokes about me fucking Carney and for some reason it was most disturbing thing to me. Like there's certain guys you think about fucking and fucking Carney is such a gross idea to me. Because I just picture his asshole with like little blonde hairs on it.

Oh yeah. And or him on top of his like wispy blonde hair going like this. No, no, no, no. We were talking about that with Anthony Padilla, right? Yeah, yeah, the smosh guy. Because he had like that like, where are you? Like the emo hair cut. Like the emo hair.

Fucking a guy who straightens his hair every morning. And it's just like, he's fucking you and you're just his hair. Just the hair is so like mismatched cut. and length so it just hanged over. It is funny. Like, you can be the straightest guy in the world. You will imagine what it's like to have sex with a guy. Of course. To, like, remind yourself that you're, you don't want that. Yeah. Of course. I've thought about like, because everybody has like a gay daughter, a gay dream. And then you put yourself through the whole scenario of being a gay or bisexual man where you're like, I'm helping out. I've thought of friends that I'm going to lose. I'm like,

oh yeah, I guys not going to hang out with me if I'm gay. I have actually. I was like, if I came out as gay, I don't know if my friend group would like support it. No, I think my comedian friends would be like whatever. That's weird that you're doing it now. Yeah. But like, I think my like hometown friends would be like, I don't know, man. Yeah, that's what's so funny. Everybody says the same thing. They're always like, oh, it's so easy to be gay nowadays.

But still, it's not. It's like you still, your friends still, you think your uncle or your whole family is just going to be like fucking. Yeah. I think you have a responsibility as a gay person to just never tell your family. Like your parents, maybe you'd be like, hey, just so you know, I'm not going to bring any guy over. Right. Because that's what I like, but I will never put it upon, like, the entire family. So they have to, like, question why you raised me wrong or whatever.

Like, I'll live my own life over there. And, like, that life will never trickle its way over here. Sure. Like, right now, I'm straight as fuck eating Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah. but two days later, I'm, you know,

Black Friday. That's when Jaquan comes over. The car, I think I say it was like, it was like, probably the third time we hung out. We stayed up all night talking about comedy.

And then like I like, I like leaned my hand over and like accidentally touched his hand. And we didn't know each other enough. And I was like, God, I really hope that guy did not think I was trying to fuck him. Like,

the whole next day, I'm like, does that guy think that I'm, but it's like, it's that same moment. when you're on a date, you're like, this is where it goes. Well, coming out as gay is, like, the only thing that you can, like, hide as an identity thing that can fundamentally change your relationships.

You can't come out as black. Like, six years into a friendship. I've tried. God, I've tried. Yeah, there's, like, it's the only thing that's, like, you could hide that, like, is dated it's trans or being gay or being, like, but, you know, but people feel violent. Like, that's the whole plot in, like, mean girls is, like, the one girl's a lesbian. And, like, ew, she used to sleep over my house.

It's like, yeah, she didn't want to fuck you, you, you know. The girls are like grossed out by the lesb. And that's like, it's like a trope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's funny too with gay guys. I love when people do that thing where they're like, yeah, what do you like? Just because he's gayed as me, wants to fuck everybody. Um, yes, it does.

Yeah. Have you met gay people? Have you met gay people? Have you seen the guys he has been fucked? Yeah, yeah. It's like he's a guy. I, by the way, this is the truth. I would have sex with most women.

Like, with most women. Really? There's very... Casey Anthony? Yes. Because I believe in wrong. rights. I would get her pregnant and I would make sure she doesn't kill that kid. And that actually makes

it almost like, and you're like, well, it's been years so she's changed. Yeah. We'll just have a stand-up shower. We won't have a, we'll have a walk-in shower. We won't have a bath. Right. I would fuck any women all the time. Like, if it's a Friday night and I'm feeling cute, I'm like, no, thank you, man. No, thank you, miss.

But there are certain days in the week where I'm horny and nothing's going on and I would have sex with just about any woman. Have you gotten laid off stand-up? like once or twice okay I've had like propositions

but it's never been something that I would want it down here a couple proposition me to like go over and he can watch me

fuck his wife oh it's my style I was like I'm good because it's not the couple I want to fuck the wife

in the hospital watches you know I want like an old leathery hold but it's a couple you need he's not

he's not the cuck we need right now he's the we deserve yeah I think it's like like, yeah, I just, I think in general, yeah, I don't really have giant.

Like, like, the problem, the stand-up thing, though, it's like, I don't know. I think it was like one time. And it was very funny because it was like a midnight show when I got late after it. And somebody pulled me aside. They're like, dude, if you got late after a midnight Wednesday show, they should be booking you on the prime time out. I was like, thank you. It's a credit.

I don't know. Like, there was eight people in the audience. I did well enough to have sex. So that should be something. Or something about the girl. You know what, though? Yeah, it is interesting. because I used to think, like, oh, if girls see you bomb on stage, they won't be attracted to you.

It's not true. I know some cute boys that are terrible at standoff. Yeah. Did Norm have some bit about that where he's like, women say like a funny guy, but they just... Yeah, he said women always say they want the funny guy, but then they just laugh at everything the attractive guy says. And that's like the most true thing ever. Dude, the most insulting thing was to find out my ex's fake laughed at things. She said, yeah, I had fake laugh at things before.

you said, for you just could say, you know, whatever. I was like, are you fucking serious? Like, that really hurt my feelings.

That's a tough one. Yeah, that's worse than a fake orgasal. Yeah. It's, uh, 630. 7.

7. 30. Okay, not a crazy rush. No, you got, we started at like 45. So you got,

oh, we hung out, talk. You were like freaking out, pacing, like you were like, everything that's not food feels like forever for me. What are you doing?

You got body dysorphy or something? I'm just trying to with his bed. If somebody else is like $650. for you to gain. Right. I'd be like, I'll take that. But, yeah, I don't know. I can't donate blood anymore because I lost too much weight.

And they're like, no, you can't. Because they think you have HIV. Yeah. Yeah. I love the way they ask you. They're like, they don't. I think I told you this. They go, do you have HIV?

No. Like, are you homosexual? They're like, have you been to prison? They're just asking the same question. Yeah. Yeah. I want to go up to her and be like, can I give you HIV tonight? She's like, what?

No. And I'm like, HIV hand and vagina? Little finger. Very clever. And then she's like very clever. No. You may meet my little girl. Yeah.

All right. It's right now. I like, I've wanted to start to be the finger bragging guy. Like whenever anybody asked me about a trip, I always want to say I fingered 15 girls. They're like no matter what it was. Just be like, how was the Atlanta comedy festival? Yeah. Doesn't smell like anything.

They're like, yeah, this was, it was three weeks ago. Yeah, I washed my hand. Yeah. We went in the pool after. Dude, she's super clean. Yeah. I just love the idea of this. It just smells like flaming out cheetahs.

Yeah. I banged a Latino teenager. I finger banged. And you got like red. Yeah. Your mouth just says fanta all over. Yeah. Yeah.

Taheen. A tahine dusted pussy, perhaps. Basically you just have a margarita rim on it. Yeah, it's salt. It's just salt. Can I get a lime? I just, I want to say that There's comedy related things

Be like, oh, how was, you did a set over at the comedy shop? How was I figured like four chicks? That's how we know you killed. Yeah. You're like, I don't even have four hands. I did it all at the same time.

A guy, I like a guy who fingers, but just doesn't have these two self-conscious have sex, but just only fingers women. That's a good, that's a good mystery. You know what?

Yeah, he's got like the long finger now. This is the one I don't. put it. This is my Coke finger. Yeah. Yeah. There's all long ones besides two. These are my fingering fingers. Hey, ladies.

That was that, what was it? You guys ever watch Mice and Men where he's like, he wears a glove when he ever used to the ranch today. This is my love making. Right. He keeps it soft. Yeah. He wants to keep his hand pure.

Yeah. Like the ranch owner's son. It just like berates them all. Yeah. There was this guy like when I was a kid, he used to play. Like, I was on a baseball team. with this kid and his dad was like a musician. And he like would wear a glove on his hand because I guess he was like a cellist.

And like he couldn't do anything to his hand. Right. That's what Michael Jackson was doing. He's like, this is my kid doing. Yeah. Gotta keep it soft. What if he took the glove off and it was like a little tiny baby hand? And they're like, now it all makes sense.

You know, Michael Jackson wasn't fucking the kids. He was having them go to the corner of the bed and pry open their asshole so he could jerk off. That's what the two guys in leaving Neverland. accused him of. Oh, like over here, I'm thinking he's a gross guy. You're telling me, he's just a cool guy who jerks off to children. I'm just saying. Yeah. He'd be like, wow, totally changed my perspective. You know, I feel like that's just something that, like, you could do with a photo, you know,

you don't need to, like, build Disneyland. Well, unfortunately, he didn't live in a world of AI. So unfortunately, he had to look at child's anus. Yeah, but AI, like, aggregates from other images. So if you're AI making children porn, you're just taking. real children's faces and making some weird monster of them all to make a naked one. That is true. Also, I was thinking about this.

Whenever I hear the world, my brain sugarcoats molesting way too much. Whenever here somebody's molested, obviously I think it's very sad and dramatic, but I just picture somebody going, I never picture a light dittle. I never picture like ass fucking or like, because somebody says somebody raped a child. I picture them penetrating a child. But whenever somebody molested a child, I think of just some weird thing where you're like, yeah, he like, I don't know, sprinkled cheese on my ball.

I don't know why I picture Like that Michael Jackson That's that when I think Yeah I picture like taking a pool noodle And like doing the thing Yeah I feel like I'm about abortion

You think about abortion You think of them like cutting up a fetus And pulling it out But like there was some study Like 80% of abortions are just a pill That they take I took a pill for abortion To show of each year I was cool

Yeah what is it You take a pill and then you just like hover over a toilet Yeah where it's a pill like not developed enough to wear you hover that's really funny you're like I don't know something's gross toilet seat while I just shoot my yeah because that would be gross to get germs from this yeah you're hovering you lay toilet paper around while you're shitting out a potential child yeah your first your little girl and you're pussy that's what an abortion is so I'm brought up a really

good uh are you because I think the whole thing with abortion is like you you like the argument my body my choice isn't a good argument. Like, I believe in abortion to a certain time period. I don't know when that time period is. I'm for, I'm pro-like or pro-choice to a certain time period. But my body, my choice, but my body, my body, because you're not arguing about that person's body. You're arguing about whether that thing inside them is a person. And so he brought a good point. Someone's like, my body, my choice. They're like, okay, well, then do you think you should be able to smoke meth if you're pregnant? And then she's like, no. He's like, well, then you don't really think that. Oh, yeah, that was on Tim Pool. Yeah, your favorite guy. I was like, that was, I don't, I don't like

Tim Poole anymore. What happened? He took off the bean. I think he, like, backed that Carmelo Anthony guy who, like, stabbed the the kid at a track meet. Did you hear about that?

Yeah. Black teenager, like, went over and stabbed the white kid in the heart of it. Yeah, but that's what you get from being in the wrong part of town. That's right. You should have been in school. At your school.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. He's like, it's self-defense. It's self-defense. You know what is? He took his beanie off and there was a little flower.

It's up to my... Yeah, Tim, tell him. Tell him, Tim. It's a little ratatooy Yeah. Yeah. You know it is really funny. People getting murdered is now political views now. Like, one murder now is like, where were you on the stance of this?

It's like, why does this... Why is this what political party am? This specific thing that happened. Yeah, it's just like a pretty cut and dry thing. Like, it's like, yeah, he shouldn't have... had, first of all, he shouldn't have had a knife at a track meet, a school track meet, a school. Second of all, like, it was just a very sharp baton. Yeah. Second of all, his like, he wasn't like threatened. His life wasn't threatened in any way, which is like, even then, it's like, unless the guy

had a knife and was like getting ready to stab him, then I could see like stabbing someone, but it's like, no, the kid grabbed his backpack to move because he was in the wrong spot and he's like move out of the way. And the kids like, make me. So he grabbed his back. backpack and move it and the kid jumped up and stabbed him in the chest. It's so wild. Whenever I hear it like that, I always put myself in the stabby's position. And so,

like the guy's stab. It's so weird to just think about it. You're like, imagine you're stabbing. I know. It's so crazy. It's so crazy. Even if someone broke into my house,

I would feel uncomfortable, even like threatening them with a knife. I think I would stab somebody. I'd get like the wrong angle. And like I would like, it wouldn't go in enough. And I'm like, this is.

Or you like miss. I would worry about have. Yeah. Why did you do this to me? Tim Pool, where are you? We're here. Like I know, did somebody say stabbing? Like I know some people that are like, dude, I was fucking somebody comes to my house.

I'm shooting them. Like, I don't, dude, I think you can kill my wife. If someone came into my house, I'd take out the gun and I'd point it at myself and kill myself. I'll do it. You can take whatever you want. But if you touch me, I'll kill me. One of my favorite bits. I forgot who was.

Some guy in his comedy central half hour had some joke. He's like, dude, I'm such a pussy. Somebody tried to break into my house. I just pretend like I was also breaking into that house. I'd be like, have you seen this guy? He's pretty cute. I think I'm going to get my rape on. And the guy would be like, whoa, man.

I'm just trying to steal some shit. I'm getting out here. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. I don't know. Have you guys ever had a house broken into? No. We had one where like, I remember we were staying at a condo.

And this is how fucking cool my dad is. The guy, we came in and there's just a guy. in our condo. He looked very Osama bin Laden like, just like a long beard like Middle Eastern guy. Floating in the ocean. Raft in white tarps.

It was a ghost. It was a ghost of Osama. But the guy was just standing there. And my dad like, instead of being like, who are you, he like looks at the door and kind of looks around, he's like, this is the right condo, right?

Like he's like, this guy is breaking it, right? And then he was like, hey, hey, and chase the guy. And the guy went to jump off the balcony. My dad grabbed his arm. It was like, I'm going to like... No way.

Yeah, my dad's... I would never... I'm such a bush of him. Yeah. Before we get it, my dad goes... He grabs his arm and just turns in... He turns into sand and flies away. Oh, no!

Wait right here. Get back here, I want it. That's like, I forgive you. He jumps on a carpet. It flies away. It was just been hovering by the balcony. Yeah, he jumps off the balcony and they're like, what? They look down and there's a carpet waiting for him.

Go, go, go, go, go. Q is like, we've got him now. Wait a minute. Take him out. Is this mission impossible? But dad's like that, though. He like, I think I've seen him getting like almost like physical altercations. And I'm like, dude, you're like, it's crazy.

I'm like, you're like, size and you're like, you're like eyes and you're like, like old. Right. But he's stronger than me. Like he, we've been to the gym and then he's like, he'll like show me up and,

but he doesn't look strong. It's, it's interesting. Dad strength. Yeah. What about a movie about a guy who like physically can't come? And it's called Emission Impossible.

Yeah. The whole movie is trying to, not. They're just trying to make him come. He's like going down on the string. But it's actually a sex swing. He's just trying. Is there,

this is like the last. That was good. You did a lot with nothing. Thanks, man. Just like Mission Impossible. Well, Shoe string bit budget. They keep making it look like this is the last one,

but they haven't even said in the trailer. They're like, everything has been leading up to this. Yeah. Like, okay, is this the last one or is it not the last? I think the last one will be the one that he dies doing. Yeah.

And it'll be like a 30-minute emission impossible. We do. I do all these jumps because I can't come. What were you going to say? I was going to say, I got to wrap up. I got to. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, no, it's fine.

Dude, thank you so much. I had a great time. Of course, dude, it's good to see you. Good to have you back. I miss you guys. I miss food, but I really did miss you guys. I hope you weren't looking at us and just seeing a couple of like drumsticks. Rotating hands.

Michael eats us. Well, yeah, dude. It's exclusively takes place from prison. You ever end a podcast and you're like, why do I feel like I admit it to something terrible? I don't remember. I'm like, why do I feel like I admit it to something? Well, your podcast is like abortion, rape, of Arab guys starting to sand. Maybe it's just a guilt you feel from, like, going on the edges of society's norms.

That is true. The edge of glory, dude. I think you were fine, though. If you said something, we would have been like, maybe you should cut that. Yeah. We give each other a look on Newsombed if we got to cut something. Yeah, we go. Done to cut.

I said someone's real name. Yeah. Yeah, all right. Well, that's been. Thank you guys so much. Hey, thanks for coming over. it's not my apartment how are you going to end this thing

what are you going to say do you have like a saying now that you do and that's why I'm a faggot more good so long farewell

I love to stay and play I do thank you guys I appreciate it oh no problem now it was actually my pleasure yeah it's fun I just

this is so gross I realized it just looked like I was spitting calm Yeah. Well, it got more cum-like. I realized I was like, I should have got you a non-clear cut. Yeah, just wash that thing out.

Wash that thing. You got a show tonight, Michael? Nah. You're just heading back? What's up? You're just heading back? Yeah. I got to be a...

The crazy thing this woman heckle me. So, I have that Hitler and a hell joke, and twice the same night, a woman goes, Yeah, like Donald Trump. I said, well, you're like, he's going to be at hell. The next show, the exact same thing. Oh, my God. What show, Bobbs? No, no, no.

I was in a, I did a don't tell all that I do. All right. There's a lot of stuff popping up in Lakeland now. You see that? No. They have, like, their own don't tell now. Oh, nice. No weird?

Dude, I, uh, my favorite thing, there's this guy named Adam Lowry. He used to run a comedy club in New Cemetery Beach. And I'm like, hey, man. been headlining a lot. You know, I really love to come headlining your show. He's like, that's awesome. You've been headlining a lot. You want to do a 10 minute feature spot? It's just like, it was just like one of those things where I was like,

this is like, this is so annoying that I like did all this for this and he's like, yeah, do you want to do 10 minutes? I'm like, I was pretty clear that I just reached out to like fly down here to headline. Right. But just like I know, and then let some like local guy headline that sucks. Of course. This guy is Spunky Robinson. He was funny. But,

Last time I saw him, he did 30 minutes of material and then 20 minutes about how he found God and that used to be homeless. You still post them on your Instagram?