Morning Good - The What If? Game - Episode 211

Episode Date: March 3, 2024

Johnny Salami and Tait Winston join the show for today's episode. They talk about cuddling with the homies, new potential middle names for Michael Good, and Johnny's reign as the king of fart comedy.Thanks to Tait and Johnny for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and hit their links down below for more.Tait is on Instagram @taitwinston and also has a website, taitwinston.com. Johnny is on Instagram @johnnysalamicomedy and hosts @thejohnnysalamipodcast.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax.

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to the morning. All right. We're here with Johnny Salami. Oh, we're going? We're going. And Tate Winston. And I was, the best part is we like planned this all in two group chats.

So there was like a, there was like an Instagram group chat. Yeah. And then there was like a text message group chat. And me and Tate kept confirming. And then all you said was pussy farts. And we didn't realize that until like, it was like so late. It was like, it was like, we were supposed to start the podcast and we're like, where's Johnny?

I was like, he confirmed. And I just looked into all there was the group chat was pussyfarts. Yeah, yeah. I was like, shit. He never said he would be here. You have my number, dude. So I was upset. I was like, this kid has my number and he's still messaging.

Why do people get upset about that? It's disrespectful, dude. How was that disrespectful? Because I gave you my number, dude. Like, that's an intimate exchange. Yeah, bro, I'm gonna be turning my head a lot. Joey Rinaldi gets the same way. But it's like, I'm on Instagram so much,

so it's so easy just to flip over to message somebody. I think I'm just going to start calling people. Just to make it feel weird, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You recall someone and they're just like, what the fuck, man? Yeah, people are just, I'll make up. I'm a pussy. When people call me, I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm in the middle of working out.

And I'll just be sitting on my couch. I'm just not ready to answer her covers. But if you, like, getting a fucking six-car pile up, dude, they're going to remember that for the rest of their live, dude. They're going to remember what? The pile. That I called I didn't answer? Yeah. Yeah, I was on the phone with, dude, Jason David called me the other day.

I was with so many other people. I was like, I'm sorry, I got to finish eating right now. And I just, there's just no food in front of me. I've started, like, becoming a liar and, like, really, like, white lies have just, I've never been a lie. I used to be, like, a very, like, I will never lie about anything. Damn, you were noble. Yeah, and now I'm just like, if it doesn't matter, I'll just lie. Just for.

Not really, bro. Yeah, just lie for convenience sake. Yeah, but I'm like, this doesn't hurt anybody if I just say things like this. Like, there was like a date I went on and I wanted to like make up some crazy stuff about my ex-girlfriend just to not go on a second date with his girl. No, I just like didn't dexter. But in my mind, I was like, I feel like she would feel better if I made up some crazy scenario about my ex and say that to her. Yeah, my ex actually insisted I get circumcised. 28 years old.

I lie about my activities all the time, dude. because I'm always like spanking and playing Xbox so I'll just make up something that I did you know for who just anyone who asks yeah yeah what was your most recent I think I said uh I think I said I was on the road dude I've lied to girls about doing shows

I'd be like yeah I just came from I just did not have a show that night yeah just look a little more boating little flex yeah just let them know you're a working call wait so when you and Dan posted an Instagram story the other day saying you're on the road did you get in the car with Dan just take a picture at a gas station. You're like on the road. No, that would be so... That was a sick picture though, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we drove, uh... I mean, I drove fucking four miles to New Hampshire. Did like 15 minutes. Just bombed in front of like 15 people and then drove back. But it's better. It's good. Do you? Bombing with friends is so much fucking better.

Dude, you know, fucking long that drive was, dude? It was eight hours of just nonstop highway. Like on the ride back, I was like black and out. little bit. I mean Tai Tai? Oh, just going nuts, dude. Just seeing a shit in the highway. Fuck. Yeah, but the word, I think it's not as bad as like,

dude, I do think bombing when you're completely alone is just the worst. And you're just with the people of that venue. Besides, but if you don't have any friends there, if you don't know the staff there, then it's just fucking awkward issue. We were in like an art gallery, dude. This guy, like, runs like an art gallery. So he just runs a show there. It's just like an empty room with a bunch of fucking, you know, cameras.

everywhere, so it looks like a porn shoot. That's where they do it. Don't tell. Yeah. And they like didn't turn off the lights. So there were just lights like this and you just bombed for like 15 minutes. And then they made us go downstairs where he lived, dude. He's got like a sandbox. Like a, like a bedroom. He's got like pictures everywhere of himself flexing and shit.

Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah, dude. It was kind of, it was kind of creepy, dude. He's kind of, dude. He had legit. It sounds like Tate wants to work there again and Johnny doesn't anymore. you're like, he's actually a cool guy.

Oh, no, if you saw it, you'd be hard as a rock. He's fucking sons of anarchy. Dude, the most candles I've ever seen my life. This guy has legit. Did you see the sandbox? He has a literal sandbox in one of the rooms, bro. It's like some like Reiki Zen garden, like you break it and shit. Okay, it's not for like furries to take dumps in right then.

Well, it's not not. Kindergarteners used, dude? It's not not. They used down like preschool, right? Yeah. So you say preschoolers can't do Reiki, bro? You just do it with your hand, right? You just put your hand in there and.

Yeah, pretty sure it's a hand. thing. You know, it's funny because it sounds like a crazy idea, but me and Patty once a week like we should just fill our apartment with sand and make it feel like a beach.

Yeah. With these backgrounds, which he doesn't like, he doesn't like the beach that much, which I have trouble understanding people that only. Just recreate Dune.

Yeah. Just get a bunch of leaf blowers, dude, and just fucking go at it. Bro, get addicted to despise. Oh my God. Your eyes just turn piercing blue, bro. Dude, I want to start telling people

that, but I've been back into Spice recently. I've been doing Mr. Nice guy, a little K2. People are like ice Nice? Yeah, no, no. It's, it's... Because I am always that guy that's defending weird drugs. I'm like, whippets aren't even that bad for you.

It's very funny to just go fully. I'm like, K2, literally, it's all propaganda. It's all the fucking bullshit. It's marshmallow leaf. Yeah. It's actually big marijuana is talking shit about K2. That's all propaganda. They just don't want you smoke this legal weed. Dude, what would happen if you did K2 and you just filled all this shit with like sand, bought some

fucking leaf blowers? You'd bite your own tongue off, dude. Swimming goggles. Oh, that sounds nice. Do you put on some classic rock from like the 60s, years and 80s, dude. Just spray sand all through the apartment. What do you think the K2 would do to your mind in that situation?

Somethings might click. I don't know. I have mixed feelings about this because I used to get high off cough medicine. I've done all the stupid drugs. And occasionally you have like a good thought and you're like, but then you go would God or whatever deity really put the answer to life right past 300

milligrams of Kofmet? You know what I mean? It's like, that's a weird place for them to place like good idea. You ever? You ever do, speaking of nitrous oxide, like, Whippets, you ever do, they used to sell this shit blow off? It was like a duster. No, but I have, like, clean-out. You would have, like, and piss themselves. They changed it so that it had a bitter agent in it, like a bitter and, like, something that was like...

Actually, can you, you ever like, I'm just going to scoot. Fuck you. A little vibe over there. This makes more sense. You got a deep man spread, dude. Oh, yeah. Got to stretch you a little bit. Yeah, they used to, before they put the shit that made it taste nasty.

And bro, it was like it was a whip it, but you could do the equivalent of like three balloons in one. You know, you're just, oh yeah. But it's like cinnamon flavor too. And then there's immediate dubstep, bro. Like just, oh my lord, I did cases of that shit, bro. My boy is like lost. Dude, that hearing in your ear, that hearing in your ear when you come back from doing whip, it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get real talking like he he, he did two women, whip it, bit, bit, bit, bit, bit, and then it all comes back.

You're like, oh, yeah, this is, I forgot I had a life outside of just, spree. I'm lost in that little realm, bro. I've never done any hard drugs, dude. I've done a dab before, dude. Oh, you should have dab. See, I'm the opposite. I'm, like, so scared to do dabs, but I'll do something stupid like whippets or somebody's like,

we're going to do GHB. I'm like, that sounds not, but dabs scare the fuck out of it. Oh, dude, I don't even know how it's... None of the above were hard drugs, by the way. Dude, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Dab should not be legal at all, man. That stuff fucking blows...

That blew my tits off, dude. Man, no more tits. Yeah, I went fishing, and, uh, I had, like, a good relationship with this dude, no homo. And he was, uh, he was like, you want to rip a dab, dude. I was like, I've never done it before. Dude, took a huge dab.

Cough for 17 minutes. No, dude, I went to cast out. And, uh, dude, he caught a fish. And I thought it was my fish. So I'm like, fish on? Like, I'm like cranking it, dude. There's nothing. There's literally nothing on my line at all.

You thought we both caught a fish at the same time. And then, dude, I ended up, I was wearing waiters, dude. You ever wear waiters? Yeah, I went for gigging before and I've done that. Oh, dude, I had my whole costume on and we were leaving. And he was like, listen, man, we're going to have to cross this bridge. It's like a log. And he was like, whatever you do, like don't step on the right side.

Dude, so I step on the right side and just like submerge into 10 feet of water. Dude, I had all my fishing gear, like my phone and stuff. I'm like underwater on dabs And I'm like, there's no way I was like, there's no way This is happening. Yeah, like I've gotten attacked by dogs high And you're like, this isn't what's actually happening

There's no way. I was like, there's no fucking way dude And then I just, I popped up And I was like, what the fuck? But dude, he was a cold too? It was like, yeah, it was like reservoir water. Yeah, man. It's like reservoir dogs.

Yeah. Yeah. Did you have like an airtight phone bubble pocket To protect your shit? Well, dude, I lost my pole all. my shit was soaked. Not the pole. Yeah, I had to unplug the waiters.

To I think it feels so good to fart in one of those and just not to be a purr, but like, I just want to know what I'm leaving this podcast. Bro, just the facial expression you just made? I was too excited about that. The immense level of gratification you got out of smelling your own far,

bro, you're a cycle bat. You never just rip a fart one of those? They're like, oh. It seems like they're designed. I don't know if you'd be able to smell it. What kind of the dabs? And waiters? Yeah, aren't they like giant like basically like,

they're like overalls, right? It's like built for that. Like if you shit your pants, it's like shit your pants proof, dude. Wait, wait. Like it's waterproof. But the shit is still in your pants. I think if you're underwater, everything is shit your pants proof.

Yeah, yeah, bathing shoes are shit your pants proof. You just stay under the water. You could get shot in those things, dude. You'd be fine. Damn. Yeah. Try and shoot you right in the dick. Just trampolines back.

Probably make a funny sound, though. Yeah. Yeah. It's rubber. That could be an instrument. Just pants that have like different like, like it traps in your farts and you can twist like a knob to make like higher pitches or lower pitches. Or if it was just like different material. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It have to be, bro. Pansermints? You need some like, like metal pants to get like dobro vibe, you know, like steel pedal guitar pants. Oh, fuck yeah. You ever farted on metal? Huh? You ever, you ever farted on metal? I've ever farted on metal.

Most definitely. where probably on a bench brother's mad metal benches that's good point yeah like i was like checking your references he's like where was it yeah yeah sure you're in my mouth scaffolding just want to know what i felt like dude no imagine farting like when you were building the empire state building like those dudes in those iconic photographs oh yeah they're like casually like swinging their feet they're i love that in the old photographs they're always like eating a sandwich and smoking a cigarette at the same time like sandwich in one

hand like sig and the other you know yeah but yeah man because i never you you smoke cigarettes right Yeah, yeah. I'm never, I know it decreases my appetite. I've never eaten something and smoked at the same time. No, it's all about the post meal sick. The post meal's satisfying. Yeah, that makes sense. It's a digestion.

It kind of like... Yeah, but, I mean, you're just like, ah, I have complete, you know, like post-sig, celebratory, anything. But before, yeah, definitely, it's an appetites of present. It's like coffee. Yeah, yeah. You're never like, oh, let me rip a huge cup of coffee. Before eating. Yeah, no.

You sip it afterwards. Yeah. The cigarettes after sex is a real thing. I'd never done that until, like, college. And I was like, holy shit. This is like the best feeling in the world. That post-cotal smoke? You blew a nut and then ripped a marlborough red dude?

Yeah, dude. He blew a smoke ring and then busted a knife. Yeah, it came through. What would it feel like? It's like the beginning of what is that like, what is that movie company where he shoots the arrow through all the rings? Oh, which. I think it's like an Odyssey thing from Odysseus or whatever.

Yeah, bro. Homer. Yeah. Shows to Homer. Shit, it's a furniture company? No. It's like Jordan's furniture, dude. Raymore and Flanis. Does Raymore and Flanagan make furniture?

Yeah. Yeah, and they're really annoying about it too because I was like, when I was moving into this place, I like, it was like... There was a Raymore and Flanagan representative knocking off your car every day. Michael, I have furniture for you. No, I went in and it was like, I was like,

I had no place to stay and like, I was moving out of the place I was staying the night I was moving in here. Damn. And I didn't have blankets or anything like that. So I was just, I was literally, going right before they were closing to buy blankets and stuff like that for my

air mattress. And dude, I was like, I was at Raymore and Flanagan and this like gay Japanese guy was just trying to show me all the different like designs and stuff like that. And I was like, I just need blankets and a pillow. That's all I need. I need to get this and get the fuck out of the store. And he's like, yeah, but like this one over here, like it's got these like zebra patterns.

And I was like, I got a leave now. And then he's like, fine. I was like, I'll just buy the pillow. The gay panese do love animal print. Yes, they do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was gay. and Japanese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the same time. Yeah, yeah.

And it's not, it's not, it's not, look, this is my thing. I'm not scared of looking racist. I'm scared of just being bad at the accent. Uh-huh. Get better. I can try. We'll try. We'll try.

So these are, no, it's a straight. See, the second, the second. No, that's what I do. Bro, every time I do Japanese, I do a pride announcer. Remember pride, like the MMA fights back in the day, they'd introduce people and just be like, like, like, if they brought Johnny Salami to the ring, they'd be like, Johnny! It's like a super drawn out

Yeah That's fucking incredible Yeah But then that defeats the gay Because now that guy's not gay Because it's the deep So like I don't know how to either way

Whatever he was doing Dude that sounds like exactly How the guy sounds like Yeah You know what time I do Yeah I know my gay panese Yeah

I should just I should give you the script Of the story And then have you do Because like I'm trying to tell the story I'm like, it's just not going to fit because I can't do his accent. But then eventually I go to check out with this pillow and the guy's like, well, you need a

Raymore and Flanagan account. Except he's more like, you need the Raymore and Flanagan account. And I was like, dude, I can't, I can't, I got to like fucking leave. Oh, damn, bro. And then I ran to like a, what's it called, like, whatever. I realized this is the porings fucking story. You ever get through a story? I'm like, this is just me buying pillows.

Why the fuck? I think this is a good idea. Like, bro, and then I got to sprint over to Target, right? On that target, like 20 minutes. Get the pillows. Go home. And then I put the pillows on my bed. Oh, Jesus Christ.

That was a fucking snoress. No. You wanted to hear that. No, the gaponies was a banger, bro. Thank you. Yeah, big proposal. I was just thinking about being inside of a furniture store, dude. I thought you're going to say a woman or man.

Inside of a woman or a man? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I should be thinking about that. Yeah, yeah. That would be kind of weird if I was like, yeah, I'm thinking about being inside you right now. It would be way weirder if you didn't laugh immediately after. Start kissing your neck. Dude, just maintain eye contact.

That was like, bro, you, the episode you and me and Kim Backer supposed to do, so you had something come up so you couldn't do it. So me and Kimbeck are just hearing, he's like, yeah,

I bet you, I bet you, I used it. I thought, you seem like a kind of guy that have like a nice plump ass. Am I wrong? It's just so,

it's like dim in my apartment. And I'm just kind of like making an eye contact to them. Like, yeah, man, I actually, I don't, I don't really have a good ass. He's like, you sure?

You seem like you'd have like a nice plump, juicy ass. Yeah, Why don't you just, like, do some squats over there? And then, like, as the host of the podcast, I'm, like, thinking about the momentum of this episode while, like, staring into his deep blue eyes. Like, this is fucking... I don't know where this one went. Oh, dude, I'm always scared.

I'm going to get, like, a bone around, like, physical touch with men. Oh, shit, physical touch bones? One time I gave my friend a ride on my moped, dude. You said you gave your friend to ride? Yeah, I heard that, too. I heard you gay to ride. I mean, I heard that shit. I mean, it was gay, dude.

Yeah. Well, it's a moped, and then there's two dudes on it. Yeah, he was on the back, dude. And all that I was telling myself was like, dude, don't get hard right now. Imagine if he was on the front, though. I mean, that would be even harder for me. Just traveling you? I mean, imagine you pick up your best friend on your moped.

He's going down. Oh, there's foliage and shit, dude. You just feel his hard erection on your ass, dude. Whoa. I was going to say, like, his muscular shirt and then maybe it would evolve to an erection at some way. No, he's just, no. dude, if you're on a moped, there's no... Yeah, he's rocked up out the gate, huh?

Especially once you see the leaves falling shit. Oh, damn, you like leaves? I mean, yeah, dude, who doesn't... I fucking hate leaves, right? Yeah, everybody hates leaves. Yeah, bro. Yeah, I'm trying to think... I feel like it would be more like...

I like, I'm trying to straight up the story. I'm like, for me, it'd be more like if you had man tits against my back into my mind. I would think it's a chick, so I can fucking rock car. Oh, dude, man... But yeah, personally, I would never get on a moped with a guy. But anyway, chicks are awesome. Yeah, if the guy had big tits and long hair... than maybe I would get kind of hard

in this hypothetical scenario. Yeah, you ever cuddle with like a fat dude? Oh, dude. My buddy, uh, I should just shout out by name, Spencer. You know, I'm just Spencer. We'll let me with out. That guy, just a fucking cuddle monster. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You get, like, little chubbed up when you guys were around? No, no, but I felt safe. Yeah. I felt, I was like, I think I'm going to be okay. And almost makes you question your sexuality even more than the erection. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, I'm at peace.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something about this feels so right. Like, it can't be wrong. Something about tits, dude. Yeah, dude, having a giant dude sleep, like, you got a king-sized bed, right? You got, like, a bodyguard laying just at the edge of the bed. That feels pretty safe. He's, like, the block of the door from you.

And you can kind of, like, you kind of, like, talk about stuff before going bed. You're like, hey, what do you think is really on the moon? And then that's, like, your last thoughts before dosing off. Yeah. Spencer. You up? Spencer's like a weekly listener's podcast too. Oh, that's fine.

Shout out as big space. Shut up, Spencer's making it happen, dude. The human foothills. Yeah, yeah. Damn, dude. Yeah, but, um, no, I used to, I used to worry about that when I would have, like, I would actually, I'd go, when I would go to the doctors, I'd specifically request

to my mom and be like, can you make sure you ask for, like, a female doctor? Damn. To, like, touch my balls and shit when I was, like, a kid, because I was like, I don't like a dude. And I remember where I had a dude one time, I was like, because you're, like, 13. And you're like, bro, dude, I can't get fucking. I remember I was so freaked out. I was like,

luckily. I freaked out just thinking about it, bro. Jury's out. My dick was soft. I was straight as fucking that meeting. Meeting, yeah, whatever you call it. It's hard.

Yeah, I had a dick meeting with my doctor. He was a guy, but don't worry. Not hard. Not hard. That's the kind of things I bring up on first dates. Hey, so where are you from, sweetheart? Hey, I had this meeting with my doctor. Your dick wasn't even soft a little bit.

Yeah. You ever just want to test a woman in that context? Yeah, well, throw something crazy at her and just be like, let's see. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of sadistic, but very common. Oh, I'm at that point of fucking dating now where it's like, there was the point where I got out of the relationship that I was like, I got a little cool. Now I'm like, I don't care.

I'm just going to fucking be honest. And that's where the fun, like, conversations like that happen where you're like, let's just see where the guy is. Wait, you want to talk about how gay you are? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I want to go on a date with a pretty lady and then tell her that I like, do. It's fun to talk about gay stuff, especially like, like,

Like when people are uncomfortable, like, you can see Tay getting uncomfortable. A little bit. The physical, like, touch of gayness, dude, that's a different level, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't get uncomfortable. I think it's, I get too comfortable, bro. And then again, it's that quantity where it's like, damn, this just feels so right.

You know what I'm saying? It don't feel wrong, bro. What if, like, someone you knew for, like, a really long time, like, made out with you? Like, in... in like a public setting. It wouldn't get to that point, you always have these hypotheticals. You always have these hypotheticals.

He had with my podcast where he goes, what would you do if like a truck came up full of hot chicks that are like, I'm going to suck your dick. Dude, that's my whole life, bro. It's just imagining bizarre hypotheticals that like would never even remotely get close to that. That's all I want to talk.

The dude would have to get this close to my face and then if anything happened. Yeah. Well, dude, what if somebody like crushed and then brought you up on stage and as you were walking towards them, like just started making out with you, dude? Dude, Dave Chappelle, Dave Chappelle has a murderousette.

He's like, this next comic, one of the funniest ones in the game. Keep it going for Tate Winston. You get on stage and then he just starts smooching you up in front of everybody. You're like, Mr. Chappelle, I don't want to say no. Dude, why do people get mad when I want to play the what if game? Like, what is so wrong? Well, because a lot of them are like, just so, you're like, what if there was like a fog machine that could also suck your dick and blow fog out?

What would that? Would you do it? And I'm like, yeah, I guess. He's like, all right, what if a Toyota Corolla full of really hot clones just like drove through a Coles full speed? I mean, dude, if you're getting stoned and you're not doing that at least once a week, like, what's the point, man? You know what I mean? I was thinking about scary hypotheticals like when I'm on a train or on the highway or something, I look at one of those cell phone towers, you know? And I'm like, all right, bro.

Would you rather wake up in an abandoned factory in like Gary, Indiana in the, middle of the summer, right? And you just wake up in your boxer shorts in a fucking abandoned factory, like deep in the hood in this town that is just full of urban decay and violence and sadness. Or would you rather wake up on the top of one of those cell phone towers and a rainstorm? See, see that, not to shit right in your mouth, Sala. But that's a good hypothetical. Those ones bug me out.

Because yours are always a good scenario. And it's like, what would happen if this? You're always like, I was like, I would go for that. I would bust. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like, what would you do if some guy gave you, like, a bunch of ice cream in like a million dollars and his wife had huge tits and jerked you off? I'm like, that would be a great day. You'd be fucking sick. All right, I'll give you another one, dude. I do. Wait, real quick. Yeah, to answer his. Dude, I think I would rather, um, fuck, dude, that's a really hard hypothetical. Both nighttime. How rural is the property? Which one? Where the cell phone tower is? No, the fucking Indiana factory. No, it's not rural. It's, it's urban. but they have a bunch of abandoned

they have like the highest rate of foreclosure and abandoned problems. I'm just in the factory so I can just leave the factory. Yeah, but it's like a big spooky factory. Dude, this is, this is what I would do. I would do Gary and Ian,

because then I would start pretending to be a crackhead so people would be like, let just let that guy run. Like I think there's some level of if you look at a girl on a lot of crank, people are kind of like, as long as that guy doesn't annoy me, I'm just gonna, you know what I mean?

It's like, you ever see like drug dealers around crackheads where they're like, they're like, if he's getting in our way, we'll fucking kick his ass. But if he's just, being cracky, we're like, just get out of here. Just be cracky on your own time. I would just use the factory to train, dude.

We just live in the factory. Just throwing haymakers at like metal. Immediately break both your hands on the first 10 minutes of your stay in the factory. Dude, I've been feeling that vibe. I've been listening to Lincoln Park recently. And I just want to get a punching bag with my dad's face on it and just, I love my dad's so much, but I really want a moment where I'm just shirtless in like a warehouse.

With your cornrows? Yeah. You never understood me. Dude, just to throw a haymaker somewhere. Even if you whiff, dude. Oh, my God, man. Yeah. That would be fucking crazy, dude.

Yeah. But what is the hypothetical? Oh, you're going to love this one, dude. I was going to say, dude, imagine you're hooking up with a wicked hot chick. She's on top, dude. she's riding you like crazy dude Is my peeve in her?

Yeah, okay You're having like passionate sex, dude You really like this girl But every time she rides you dude She rips ass Yeah, I could do it Really? Yeah

You wouldn't laugh at all? I would giggle, but I can giggle Like, I've had sex to women And they start queathing And then I'm the one that's serious And I'm like, she's like giggling No, no, no, no, no, we're gonna... You're like, I created that quefe

To a laugh at it. Do not laugh at it. Whereas if it's a buck quefe, you know, it's just kind of like you can be like yeah but dude every every groove

she's aggressively farting on you are they stinky dude I think fart on my balls could feel nice it could be like a nice little tickle yeah but dude for her to do that

over and over again and for you not to laugh is sociopathic but then what does she service your balls retroactively you know what I'm saying after the coitus

yeah services your balls she gets pink eye from her own fucking doo-doo fart she sucks on your balls and then sucks him eventually that seems dangerous yeah

yeah oh I'm saying bro conjunctavitis she lives on the edge though yeah she loves edging super yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well your thing is you the giggle factor for you

yeah yeah I can giggle and come at the same time well you're a psycho you're a psycho

you have a laugh dude where it's like very short spurt yeah like like like do you

remember the hardest you've ever laughed before have you ever been in a situation where you just couldn't stop

laughing So when I, so my, my initial laugh is a like, ha ha, ha, kind of thing. But my heart laugh is no noise. So I would just be like, I just go, wow, that's gold. Then I'd be coming and just like,

yeah, it's wild, dude. I also, I really thought his hypothetical scenario was she's going to end with some hot chick and she's riding your dick, imagine. Yeah. And I was just going to end there. Wait, hold on, but we didn't address, um, are they pungent farts? Yeah, like really tight. Like you can feel the vibration. You're talking about smell-wise.

Are they smelly? Yeah. He laughed at you. He's like, you're an idiot. He's like, yeah. He's like, fucking. Yeah. I mean, you should know, dude.

So it's not like a Brazilian fart porn situation where they're just eating mad like yucca and like... I've whacked off to fart porn. You ever seen fart cakes? Cake farts. Have you ever seen fart cakes? I'm very big fan of fart cakes. You must have researched.

I don't want to get sued by Catherine or wherever the woman is farting on the cake. for mispronouncing that. Yeah. Kathy. And the one she's like, you know what I like? Cake farts. It's on a cake and just farts.

Yeah. That's how I... Yeah, no, I like... There was like a time of my life where chicks farting was hot because I'm like, it's kind of foreign. It's kind of like...

See, like I can't... I saw that video and I cried laughing. Like, I couldn't... Really? I couldn't jerk off to that if I tried, dude. I like funny porn, dude. Like, I like...

I like porn where there's like a little bit of silliness to it. Yeah. Half the time I jerk off, dude, I just start laughing and give up. No, not 50%. I'd say at least 25, dude.

Damn. You start laughing at yourself jerking off? I laugh at the acting, dude. Oh, in the point. I thought you're just laughing. You're like, who am I to jerk myself off? Born acting is the funniest shit in the world. Yeah.

Some dude's like, yeah, going to be sunny in 75 tomorrow. And the dude, just like, yeah, you want to suck my balls? Dude, how are you supposed to like? That's got to be a really nice feeling to say, no matter what I say in this scenario, As long as I nail the lines, this woman's just getting sex at me. It's funny when they reach that point where they know they have to start having sex

and they like don't know what to say. And then someone just like takes their fucking tits out, you know? Yeah, yeah. And they're like, well, all right. I don't know this porno. I've watched a lot of fucking porn. I've never seen one where she goes, well, all right. I guess we're doing this.

I've never ever moved my head this much in the conversation about sex before. Dude, the funniest one I ever saw dude, this chick was rioting a dude, and she was like, oh yeah, you like that big dick? She said that to him. And the guy, like, visibly started laughing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't cut it at all. They just kept going. Well, e-fucked would be a mix of, like, disgusting porn, and then occasionally really funny stuff. Like, there'd be, like, really fucked up ones, and there'd be ones that were, like, hilarious. There was, like, crazy ones.

I remember there's one where, one was like bent over and there's somebody just shooting slingshot and cacta like cacta what do you call him cacti balls Kagda Dude I thought you were saying cock and a boss and accent

Kack die? Shooting fucking cack dog dude He is fucking shooting quarks over his head shooting cacks with his bow and arrow cash holding fucking cacks dude I shot so much cock last I love sense

man I saw about one 20 last night. Cock range. I've always wanted to be hooked out. The girl will be like, my balls are so hard right now. It's like something that doesn't make any sense.

Wait, so they were shooting cactus? Yeah, like cactus balls. Like some cactus growing like balls and they're just shooting them at her pussy and asshole. She was like, you know, like it was not like she was.

Jesus. Yeah, she was signed up for it. She was like, good luck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bozai. Unzai. Yeah, the Japanese guys judging it.

You ever watched it? It does sound like a. Japanese game show. It hits the Gag, cactus. Yeah. It starts off with like a Boston guy though. Yeah. Shooting Kacks, bro. Shooting Keks. Don't they say Kork? Not in my world, dude.

Quark? Kacks. Keks. Ficking Kex, digital cable kid. Kegs digital cable kid. I think it is Kauks. What would Kax be, though? Kats. Maybe like more Rhode Island. Kek.

Ficking Kicks. How would Alan say it? Alan's from Rhode Island, right? Alan Fitzgerald. He'd be like, you're fucking cack. I think it's a single Rhode Island thing, maybe. Where are you from? Rhode Island.

Okay. Rudy. There's a lot of Duncan dudes who are like fucking cacks, though. Fucking cacks digital cable cat. What town and rodee? Cumberland. Oh, my boy's from Cumbie. You went to Cumberland high?

What a piece of shit. I'm just kidding. I know nothing about. Why would you say that? Yeah, yeah. No, Cumberland's nice, bro. You guys got, like, farms. Nope.

You got streets. I thought Cumberland Farms is a thing. No, Cumberland Farms is a thing. It's like the 7-Eleven of New England. I think they have one farm. I think it's in Mass, though. It's in, like, Attleboro. There's farms in like Coventry.

Oh, yeah. There's farms in West Cumberland or Rhode Island? Like in Rhode Island in general? Oh, yeah, not specific. Yeah, Rhode Island has the, like, the boonies, dude. Yeah, deep boons, bro. Yeah. Forster Gloucester.

Bro, the state is so geographically confusing. Like, you drive in through Northern Connecticut, and then if you go all the way up and to the left, you end up back in Connecticut, you're like, what? Yeah, because it's all... Fuck, yeah, it's all separated about bodies of water and shit. But they also have that really pretty part... I remember, like, when I was a kid,

it was my grandparents were from Cape Cod or Massachusetts or whatever. They fucking... Cape Cod. Cape Cod. So, like, we went to visit them because they had a place up there. And there's this one... This wasn't their place, but there was these fucking, like, castles on the side of cliffs.

I forgot what it's called. Yeah, it's Narragansett. That's what it is. That's probably Narragansett. It's like by the water. Dude, I, I, I, Narraganssen, it's that beer, right? Yeah. It's also a beer brand.

Dude, there's this fucking hipster that works this fucking barcade over there. My buddy said Narragansi. He's like, I think you mean a Narragansett or something like that. Oh, no. And so now I purposely go there and order Narragansett and say it wrong. You just have him correct me every fucking time. No, that is Narragansi. That's where all the hoties go, dude.

That's over by the University of Rhode Island. Are there hotchers? Yeah, they go like to the pier. Actually, it's pronounced Maragons. I picture like unhot chicks being from Rhode Island, I know. But that's also from like, I think Florida did a lot of hot chicks. A lot of people from Mass.

Roundland has my beautiful. Yeah, a lot of people from Mass would go to URI. Hot chicks, yeah. Okay. You go to O-Mist? O-Mist. O-Mist. O-Mist.

You mean O-Miss? No, Ocean Mists, bro. Lee Miller once or twice. Damn. What is Ocean Mist? You should legendary spot Bar, music venue, club, not club. You're not a big drinker though, right?

No, I mean, like, I went to college over there, though. Yeah. You went to Yuri? For a semester. Damn. You used to rage, though, right? You were a rage. I mean, dude, who didn't, man?

You know? True. Who didn't used to rage when they were? I haven't stopped. M.G. is still a rage here. I'm still getting after it. I've been thinking about getting back out there, man. Ooh.

Yeah. I need to see some tits, man. Do you come out of your... I've only seen you. I've had like three beers at you one time. But nothing crazy happens at that. It's like the same guy. Yeah, I mean like if I do go out,

I think I'm going to go out with Dan Carney, dude, because he was describing to me the tit situation where he lives. In Bedstine? Bushwick. Yeah, yeah. Carney, look, I love Carney. Is he talking it up? Carnie's for sure talking it up.

First off, Carney doesn't even go out that bunch of beds die. Yeah, he's been going on like dates recently. And he's like, the tits in my area, bro. You gotta see he's, he's completely, he's talking. He said, dude, he said he's shredding it. You know, if I'm being honest. I love that that's your impetus to start going out though. You're just like, bro, the tituation.

He's unbelievable. What's so many do? Because Carney has like rejected my last few offers to go out. So now I'm taking a side of it. I'm like, Carney's doing nothing out there. But really, he's going out and getting pussy without me. I feel like he would do that too. He'd be like, no, dude, I'm going to get pussy.

Yeah, yeah, I get... Just committed. Well, he goes on, like... I think he goes on more dates. I don't know, maybe he's totally... Maybe he's going out with him? You boys been dating? Each other?

That would be nice, dude. I would love a fucking Johnny Salami date. Is he mean you? Yes. A couple beers, a couple steaks. I mean, if there's tits, man, I gotta go out soon. I haven't been out in a while.

Do you like strip clubs? No, dude. We went to... That's weird because you're a tits and fart guy. There's no farts there, but we could fart out of it. I can't say names, but this kid who I'm friends with books a show in New York. So he books me and Sean Malay on the show.

We both do our spots. And then afterwards, uh, like he and dude, he invited his whole family to the show, like both of the producers did. So after the show, he's like, hey, my family and I were going to this bar down the road. Do you guys want to come? And we were like, yeah, sure. Dude, so we're at the bar with his kid's family. And Sean's like, dude, you want to go to the strip club?

And I was like, not really, man. And he was like, no, dude, it'll be legendary. and the kid who produced the show my friend was like, dude, you guys are going to the strip club? Like, I'm going to go. And he just told his family. He was like, yeah, guys, we're going to go down the road. His family was like, where?

And he was like, uh, strip club? Yeah, they were like visibly upset. Really? Yeah. And then we went to the strip club, dude, and it was terrible, bro. It was like... I think I'm the only...

I love... I think there's so much fucking fun. Dude, it's insane, man. And you spend 70 bucks to get in if they, You have to like negotiate it down. You know what this is too? I have, so first off, like, all the strip clubs in Orlando are basically free. So when I go back home, I'll go through that to be free.

And I also, I don't spend a lot of money in strip clubs. Like, I'll just be like, I'll spend a little bit of money. I'll watch my friends get titties in their face. I'm like, that's funny. I'll get maybe tities in my face tits. Maybe face tits. Maybe face tits. Whoa.

$400. This is just like, no, no, no. This is somebody who's spending too much money because it's like, I'm telling you. In New York City, dude, you have no idea. It's so expensive. Really? Buddy, you're going overboard. You don't need to drop $400 for face tits.

Yeah. I probably dropped $500 that night. Where are you going? What's your club? Dude, we had to pay $70 to get in. Did you have sexual intercourse of the woman? No, dude, but I just gave this woman all the money I had. Yeah, yeah, dude.

You just paid a woman for, like, prostitution. She didn't fuck you, and you're like, you spent it. You spend $800, you fuck them. That's how that works. First of all, the drinks are fucking crazy. Like, I spent like $100 on drinks. We were blasted, dude. Like, we weren't even, like, coherent.

my first dance, this Colombian mom, legit humped me like three times and was like, all right, thanks. And I was like, I just gave you like $70. She was a three humped chump, bro? Dude, yeah. Like, I almost like...

Wait, how much money did you give her? $70. Like, one dance for her is $70. So she's just ripping people off and then she would go up to the next dude. That's not, it's supposed to be like $20 for a lap days. No, dude, it's so much. Dude, no, no.

And look, you're talking, I'm putting my fucking foot down here. I've got so many strip clubs in New York. In Orlando or New York. New York City. I've been to multiple strip clubs here. I'm going to get very defensive. How much did you spend? He's like,

I've been to Blitz Blitzes in Jamaica, Queens. I've been to Tata's on Long Island. Yeah, yeah. I'm defending these ladies and these establishments. First off, it's fucking, you go to Flash Dancers. It's fucking $20 for a lap dance. Maybe 20. How much to get in?

Maybe 20. Maybe 20. You go to fucking satin dolls. Fucking, first off, one of my friends gave me a bunch of free entry passes. that's why I've kind of ended up going on. I just your intensity. I'm sweating. I am passionate about,

Jesus. First of all, you go to satin dolls? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

I, I'm going to die on this fucking hill. You go to satin dolls. First off, I got a bunch of free things in there. It was very funny because one of my friends gave me like a stack of,

he used to like barterm with somebody so they get a bunch of free entries. So he gave it to me and me, as me and my ex are breaking up. She's all of them, she was like cleaning out my wall for somebody. You got too much shit in there. And she's like,

you don't need all these things for the strip club, right? And I was just trying to look cool. And I was like, I'm away out of the relationship. I'm like, nah, throw those out. And then immediately I was like, fuck. I was like, God damn it. But then my friend gave me another stack. And so, yeah, it's, first of all, that's free entry and a free drink.

So you do that. And then also it's like normally entry is like fucking $20. Yeah, yeah, yeah. $20 lap dances. Dude, no joke. Dude, no joke. This guy tried to sell us $750, uh, VIP. He was like, yeah, $750.

Where did you go, dude? It was a nice strip club. It was very nice. Like, I don't even know why we're there. What part of town is this? I don't even know. Sean picked it out, dude. It probably had to be in walking distance of, like, fucking the village.

Yeah, that's fucking crazy, dude. That's wild. Yeah, I was so upset by the end of the night, dude. This Polish girl was, like, giving me a lap dance. And she was like, you want another dance. And I just gave her all my money. And I thought she was going to, like, rock my world, dude. Well, that's why you don't do it.

What you do is you look in your wall and you go, ooh. I'm not looking. And then that's where they're like, yeah, what about she was trying to sell me like, she was trying to like, fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know about that. She probably would have given me a hand job

for like two grand, dude. See, you're still, you're completely awful. This is not like common. Dude, we should, we should go. Like, yeah, race cars. Race cars are 80 billion dollars. I have no idea.

That's how much a race car cars. First of all, I've never like paid, I've never fucked like a prostitute, but it's like, it's not, a thousand dollars to get jerked off. It's like $800 to fuck them. So there's no way they're giving you a hand job for it unless that, I guess that's technically more worth. He's like, what's a pack of

cigarettes? Three, four hundred dollars? Dude, if you see a retarded kid like me blasted, you're going to be like, oh, I could definitely get this kid to pay me $800 for a hand. Right. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. You have to take in consideration how I look, you know, I was wearing a polo, dude. Like, I wasn't like, I'm not like some dude, like flexing on

hose, you know what I'm saying? I'm just awkwardly standing there with a polo, like, all right. Well, I'm not flexing a hose here. It doesn't mean you should. be taking advantage of, bro. Yeah, dude. Well, they did, man. I thought they were going to be sweet, you know.

Yeah, this is, everybody who has a bad time of the strip club is always the guy that gets too into it. Well, I thought that maybe, like, we had something special. Yeah, those organizations suck. Those ladies are so big. Yeah, well, dude, I remember going to one in Rhode Island. That was the first one I ever went to. And this lady was so nice, dude.

She bent over in front of me completely naked. I'm a boss by Rick Ross was playing. Yeah, yeah. I spent like 25 bucks, dude. Yeah, and you feel like a pimp. You're like, let me. He's been at $25. I was like, hey, am I like, am I the desire?

I don't know. Did you blow in her bottle? No, I was just like, hey, like, am I? She sneezing her bottle. I was like. She's like, bless you, hon. She wipes your ass on your nose. I mean, dude, getting a lap dance to a, I'm a boss by Rick Ross's.

Yeah, yeah. Get you on my boss. Well, dude, my favorite one is the last time I went to one. My friend got kicked out because, like he asked one of the strippers for code and they thought he was like an undercover cop. So he's getting kicked out and I'm in a booth with like two strippers and I'm like later fucking loser. And then the next day he goes, dude, you were with like the two ugly strippers on the planet.

And I'm just like like some like crackhead and then some fat like 50 year old woman. And I'm like, peace out nerds. Ha ha ha, ladies. The literal bouncer. Yeah. Six three black dude. Yeah. Yeah.

You're like, yeah, peace out. I think I literally flicked them off of the way out. I'm like, losers. And he's like, dude, those were the two ugliest women I've ever seen in my whole entire life.

It's probably like Plante Payne. I'm like, another round of shots over here. Your boy should have had some kind of drugs on him to prove that he was cool.

This is true. I've also always said, I have a problem with people when they try to go out and get Coke. It's like, just admit you're going to do cocaine a night.

Buy it before going out because you're going to end up buying it from a stranger. It's like if you're a Coke guy, you do a lot of Coke. So it's like, But that thing where they're like, oh, I'm just, you know, I'll try not to do it tonight. It's kind of like the same with like, yeah, I don't know.

Sometimes it's like that way with like... Kidnapping? Kidnapping. Yeah, just go for it. Just do it. I'm just going to get a couple of slices of pizza. Watch the little Netflix. Yeah, next thing you know, you have a gun to a woman's head and you're yelling.

That happens. I never told you guys when I went to a strip club for the first time. I feel like I've told this story before. No. You guys don't remember this? No. Dude, I worked at Bank of America in college and these two dudes. were like strip club fanatics and they were like yo you're trying to come and I was like I've

never been man and they were like oh we'll show you the ropes and stuff so dude so we go to the strip club and we're in the front row and this dude was trying to show me what to do and he was like all right man you just take the money throw it there away and just give them a little spanking dude so I take a $20 bill throw it on the stage I wind up and smack this chick's ass like wicked hard dude. Like, hard. Like, she was like,

oh. And then they were just like, dude, what the fuck? Yeah. They were like, they barely knew who I was. I like confidently

through the 20. I was like, you know, just overhand right. Yeah, you definitely, I have a friend who bit a stripper

because he thought it was like, I was like, that's never been a thing you could do. It wasn't like a basalt's thing. He thought it was like in the moment, just like, ah.

And then, yeah. I guess you're just supposed to throw a lot of ones. and I was like, oh, if I throw her a 20, dude, she'll fuck with this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I throw a 20, I can hit her with a sledgehammer. He's like, he's like, smack being the shit.

Do I paid for this. I paid for the Grand Theft Auto special. He just got her in her mirror naked show. I threw 100. Yeah. You wouldn't laugh, though. If you were in an, like, an environment like that were like the fucking most gang to Rapp's playing, like the place is shaking.

You just see me throw a 20, dude. Wind up. Throwing a 20, it's like $1. So, like, when you throw a stack, it, like, kind of has momentum and then it explodes. But just 120, kind of like, it's like, yeah, it either, like,

leaf falls where it kind of zigzags before hitting the floor or it, like, like, crumble falls. Like, there's no, like... I've been pulling out with, like, a stack, like, 200 bands of just, like, monopoly money. Dude, salami, like, emotionless getting like

two chicks on him is my favorite. Like the idea of like just two asses on his face and he's just like, dude, just tall teat. Yeah. No feelings. It's all about the song though,

dude. Yeah. Play that song, pop that song, pop that. Don't stop that. Don't stop that one. I mean, the chick was so fat though,

dude. Yeah, yeah. You kind of overlook those things when you're in place. You're like, what do you know, they're hot guys.

This is fun. Well, she's a beautiful angel. Yeah. I was with two coworkers, dude. I was trying to make a statement, dude. Like, I barely knew these guys.

They were like, I worked at a bank. It's not like we were like boys. Yeah, that's so funny to go back to like just sitting there the next day at like Wells Fargo. And you're like, oh, it's fucking weird night. Did you fuck one? You fucked one. Okay. Interesting.

Is it a weirdo, John? What's that? John? No, you're weirdo John. I was just saying like that's what they said the next day. You were weirdo John. Fuck, dude. Do you think they're at least impressed with your power?

They were like, enough or nothing. You get phoned, bro. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, yo, boys. so I'm washed up. You just leave a full handprint.

See, yeah, this is, yeah, that is always the case. It's always somebody that either spends too much money or Carney. He ate strip clubs. We went to Café risque. I think I told you about this and we're like just... Café-Aleiske. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not that sexy in French.

But it's like a truck stop strip club on the side of the highway. And it's like, you can eat. It's legs and eggs. Or eggs and legs, yeah, yeah. And this woman's just flexing your butt hole in front of Carnie. He's like, oh. He's like, this is sad we need to get out of here i don't like this place at all we're like it was your idea

to come here wait you you were eating eggs and she was flexing her asshole no no no no i didn't get eggs but they serve eggs there they was flexing their eggs right and he's being an asshole how do you flex your asshole out farting i'm trying to like flex my asshole right now do you squeeze in and now i think it's called keegles the first thing you do is not make that face i'm like confused i'm like confused i'm like confused lookup face i'm like you ever heard of kegles dude Yeah, but I thought those were just for your pussy. Yeah, I mean, I think your asshole probably moves in like a groove symphony with your fucking pussy, dude.

What a sentence, bro. I think asshole like moves in a groove symphony. That's directly from the Bible, dude. That was poetic. What, Philippines? R&B salami in here. I like that. I'm a preacher, man.

He's a son of a salami man. I don't know if I told you guys this, but I am working on something right now. So I have never had a middle name. strictly because my parents procrastinated there was no reason that I don't have other than being like, yeah, we just can't think of one right now. So I realized in 27, I'm like, I can give myself a middle name.

Damn. So I'm going to do it. It's a lot of money and I'm going to save up and do it. I don't have money right now, but I'm going to save up the money to change. What are you going to change you to? Something absolutely ridiculous. Bad, bad, bad, not? Michael Bad, bad, not good. I've thought, and I am dead serious.

I'm absolutely going to change my middle name to something silly. I like the idea of doing things funny for no financial gang. Just like this is, I will lose money on this bit, but you have any ideas right now? I like Quantavius a lot. I really like Michael Quantavius good or something just black as hell. I really like that. I mean,

if you're going to do anything black, Quantavius, it's, yeah, that's what you have to do. Yeah, yeah. If that's your fur, that's what you gravitate towards. Quantavius is. My name is Michael, but you can call on my middle name Quantavius. Yeah. I've been thinking about changing my name to Johnny.

Legally, Johnny. Are you Jonathan Salami? Just John. You wouldn't change Syke to Salami? Well, yeah, that would be cool if my name was like Johnny Azigia Salami, dude.

Oh, yeah, that is a sick way, yeah. That'd be fucking sick. That'd be a lot of money though, dude. I don't know how much they charge. Johnny, Ziggy, Marley, Psyche, Salami. You just have seven names. Like a Latino.

Well, you also like, it's not like you get charged per letter. That would be kind of, that would be actually intentionally racist because white people have the shortest his names. Really? So black people

would get charged the most money. Do they, bro? Yeah. But it's a tough system out there. Not the Eastern European ones, bro. Yeah.

Not the German ones, dog. What about Oppenheimer? That's a good point. Yeah. I got a long- Nicaraguan's dude. Yeah, what about them,

bro? They have six names, minimum. That is true. I knew a guy named Kiko, and his name had like seven names. It was like Kiko something, something, I'm not going to say his last name,

but, yeah. Yeah, you're not going to blow up his government. Nah, people. Kiko. Who works at King Cush. I just want to know, like, hold on a second. Yeah, you can fart in there. That was a good one, dude.

That was a banger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My boys, dude. That was a solid one, yeah. Someone's going to get conjunctalitis. Yeah, whoever uses it. That's bad. I've fired it and burped in all these, my...

Oh. No, no, I always use this one. I think I've done that before. Didn't I fart on this once? Possibly, I don't know. There's a distinct possibility, bro. Yeah. Yeah.

But somebody had a good one, they're like, I think it was Jake Timothy or somebody in a group chat of him and said, I should be Michael, Michael, Michael, good, good. Wow. Michael, Michael, good, good. I really think I am going to do this. Michael, host of Morning Good podcast, good. Do you just go to the state

and you just, like, fill out forms? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then I have to change my birth certificate. I'm changing my passport. I'm doing all these things. Bro. Dude, you should get an AKA. Michael, AKA, the steamy boy. Michael Good.

Michael Good. A.K.A. Fuck my little ass. Like, something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder how

we're, like, you, you can say curse words on it. Yeah, I think you can curse on there. I could be Michael fucking good or something like that. Really?

That's how, this old two try hard to be cool. Yeah, yeah. Michael fuck, fuck butt fart. I could change my, dude,

if I legally changed my middle name to fart and, like, went through, like, serious paperwork and, like, court, like, court meeting.

Like, I'm sure there's, like, a thing where they're like, you hereby, retain that your name is Michael Fart's good. It's like, yes,

and then he begs them out, and you're like, that's what it is. You know, that'll be $400, cuff it up. Michael Fartgood. I don't know why I picture him having got the curls. Michael Hermione Granger, Fartgood. You could probably do F-A-H-T. Fart.

Fatt. Fatt. Michael Faggid. Yeah. It sounds like I said Michael Faggitt. Michael Faggud. Michael Faggud. It would be funny.

Even if you go to the state and you're just like, yeah, I just want to change all of my names to faggot. Yeah. Fagg, Fagg, Faggit, Fagg, Fagg, Fagin. That is a fantastic name. Because people, like, what are the rules? Like, people have to say your name. Say my name. Faggot, faggit, faggit.

You're a fucking faggant. Say my name. Say my name. Yeah, like, what? Well, I don't go to school anymore, but I guess cops would have to say my name. Actually, cops would say your name. Did you look at your license? Like, Mr. or whatever. Yeah.

Mr. Faggat and fagg. Can you make your government a hate crime, though? Well, obviously, it crossed my mind. I would never do it. But the first thing that crossed my name is making my middle name, the N-word, which I wouldn't do. Michael Pee-P. Leibowitz-Malkovich, Morning Good, Podcast, good. So like that. I think there is a limit you have, though.

What if it just Malcovich? Michael Malcovich, good. That's kind of a eater, bro. I like Michael Jordan good. Ooh. Yeah. Michael Myers good. Michael Jackson, bad good

That'd be cool if your middle name was just is Michael is good I think but fart is just so silly that it's just hilarious to be chinted by either fart or queve I feel like that's his I know he's kind of he's the kind of fart guy It's his department

You got too much chin to have the middle name fart Yeah that is true You got that prominent chin bro The fart king dude That'd be funny if your name was like Richard cheese Dick cheese Michael Dick cheese good. Well, no, if your name was just

Dick cheese. Yeah. There's a Dick Weiner in my hometown. Really? Yeah, he was like a Metroid Weiner or a Dick Weiner? I think he liked just to be a

dick. He was, it's Dick Ween. Like, he was like, that is my name's Dick Weiner. Yeah. That's a dozy, bro. Richard, Ricky Wienes.

I like the name Guy Pinas. It's a good name. He looked a lot of... In friends who would be Guy Beniz. There's a, There's a professional tennis player named Guy Fosier, but his name in English is Guy forget.

Guy forget. It's literally spelled that way, yeah, but it's Guy Fosier. Yeah. Oh, there was a guy in my work, dude. I couldn't stop laughing. He was talking to, like, the CEO, and the CEO was like... Wait, wait, wait. A Bank of American?

Yeah. Well, no, I'm not going to say where. I'm not getting trouble. It is annoying the things you can't say on this pot. You know what I mean? It's so frustrating. There's like a thousand things I have to think about how I'm saying them.

You know what I mean? I'm like, I hate the... Yeah. The Jewish people. There we go. He was talking to the CEO while washing his hands. And the CEO called him Serge.

And he was like, actually, it's Sergei. I was like, too. It's like, dude, why would you... Why would you say that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you correct someone? Yeah, yeah. Because this is his name, brother?

Yeah. So his name is like, Sergio or Sergio? Sergei or Serge, like Sergei, like Sergei, like, Serge tankin from system of the down. Sergei would be like the, uh, the anal pronunciation. It is Sergei. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I like, I like Sergei. Yeah, because what is that even called? Like, uh, like we say it a certain way.

When you get knighted, you become a sir, right? That's what that is. Like Sean Connery. Yeah, but, like Paul McCartney of wings. I like, I like, literally said, like, his name is, Sir Paul McCartney, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Sergei. Yeah, I don't know.

there was that one thing too where what's his name fucking of the Rolling Stones Keith Richards was cool and he's like I don't want to be fucking he like chose not to be all of them were like knighted as sir

and he's like I'm not doing that that's cool yeah that dude's bad snorting your father's ashes is very cool it would be cool to get like your balls knighted

chest your body like in front of a large group I'm a peasant but my testicles yeah are royal but they have to do each one you get to name them too

Dude, I, I Shaved, I forgot how fucking intense it is to shave your fucking dick and balls. Okay. It's just, I don't know, I forgot until the day, like, the art that goes into it.

Like, I'm just, I mean, I've never squinted and worked at something so hard to not cut my, like, you're like, looking at different angles. It was pretty hard to cut your dick, dude, when you're shaving. When you're shaving the base, dude? Dude, I don't get out what people use the, the manscape stuff.

That's the only time I've ever cut my nuts. Yeah, everybody's average. I should get one of those things, yeah. Oh, dude. That's what they say is good. You can shave like your upper pubic region, but dude, if you shave your balls with that thing, dude, no, no, no. I shave my balls, but then I shave, the hardest is that area between your dick and balls, like the fucking, like... It's pronounced taint.

No, no, no, no, no, no, that's between your balls and ass. Oh, your dick and balls? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That fold, you know what I'm talking about? There's a fold between your dick and your body. I'm just connected, bro. Just, my dig grows out of my balls. Is that not what...

Yeah, that's normal. Like, right in the center. Is there's something going on? Well, it's like there's that there's that thing where there's like... Well, so like my second dick hangs down like by my team, but my first dick grows out of my testicular. You're talking about where it connects? Yes, there's like that connecting thing where like,

because there's something that happens between like, you have your thigh, you go further, there's balls down and dick up. You're not going to confuse me. Balls down, dick up. Yo, hold on. Yeah, this is really fucking gay. I have thought of opening the microphone.

Ooh, the Gator phone. It's just going to be fuzzy. The sound's going to be fuzzy. The whole. The Gator phone. The rest of the episode. Can you hear me? Oh, perfect.

Yeah, that's great. Yeah. Yeah. But we haven't, we haven't landed on a middle name for me. Any other last suggestions? I'm doing this. Wait a second. What if it was just?

I was embarrassed to give it far. I feel like that came out of your penis. Yeah. Yeah, it was like a... To fart like that and see the disappointment in Johnny's face after he just ripped the manliest fart on the planet. I'm like...

Dude, that is like... That was so happy for you, man, like when you went down. And then that was the most disappointing thing on the planet. That would be my recommendation, though, dude. For your middle name, just like, a fart. A fart. What if it was Michael?

Morning Wood, Good. Morning Wood Good? Well, you should just get a video of, like, you go into the state, and them being like, okay, like, what do you want your middle name to be? And then you just fucking fart. What do you make... The fart stuff, like, you are kind of becoming the fart comic.

Like, you are... I know it's always been a funny name, but you're kind of like... That's got to be one of the saddest things to ever be told ever. Yo, you're kind of becoming the fart guy. That's like your niche, bro. Well, you agree, it is more Johnny's realm. Oh, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You should be honored. I don't think it's an honor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should be honored in my. Dude, I retract my former state. You should be night farted where the queen farts She farts on one side of your head And the other side of your head

What if you kept good is your middle name And then Made your last name Will Hunting Michael Goodwill hunt That is fucking sick Because yeah I guess I'm thinking about just changing my first middle leg But like I could change the line

I could just change my whole name Yeah bro I'm Demerius Quantavius Sin Chaucer Sin chaw-Sher Sin Kangh You just get like a Mandarin last name bro Just that's super Chinese

that? Yeah. Pete Diddy changed his middle name to Love. Sean Love Combs. Wow. Change it to Hitler, dude. Hitler. There's like some Kanye thing. He's gonna name an album, Hitler.

Adolf. Kanye. I mean, West Side Gunn has, Hitler wears Hermes. He has like eight iterations of it. Oh, really? It's all Hitler wears Hermes. Yeah.

That's funny. And my boy that showed me it is Jewish. And it's like, yeah, but it's exceptional. He's like, I mean, it's such good hip-hop. It is funny, too, because there is a thing, too, were like Jewish, a lot of people Jewish people I know fucking love Kanye. There's such a like interesting crossover.

I mean, everybody loves him, but like, there's a lot of Jewish people that are like, dude, who doesn't love easy? He's very great. Am I wrong? Yeah. We are, I hate to, I hate to fucking do this, but we do have to close up shop. What do you guys want to promote?

Don't hate it. Love it. It's the Johnny Salami podcast, man. Just a Johnny Salami podcast, man. You want to say it with less enthusiasm? Yeah, I just, I don't like promoting stuff, dude, my bad. no you're good not good at it

and I uh you're fucking excellent at it bro you're really good at promoting tall t-shirts whatever dude fucking say your shit you got so uncomfortable

I just start making yeah man I'm gonna be in Providence Rhode Island March 22nd through the 24 doing a bunch of shows and then I'm gonna be back in Boston April 4th

through April 6 and I'm gonna be in Atlantic City a bunch in between there and da da da da filming some shit in the spring. It'll all be beautiful, man. Yes.

Take Winston. T-A-I-T-W-I-N-S-T-O-N. Please follow your boy. Spencer, you specifically, bro. Thank you for cuddling with Michael Goodwill Hunting. Yeah. All those years. It was once a week for a year.

For a year. For years. Definitely wasn't one dime. Okay. Let's go. Let's go. All right, B. Peace.

Bong, b.