Morning Good - There's No Rules - Episode 24

Episode Date: May 3, 2021

Thanks to Chris for coming back on the show and to Alan for joining us this week. They're both very funny people so check them out and give them a follow on all their socials. Alan is on all social media platforms @fuckcityusa and Chris is on Instagram and TikTok both @chriskinback.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. Good.

I love that. Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to Morning. I just got unemployment. I'm looking to spend, spend, spend, baby. Time to ball out with that unemployment. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they asked for my money back, and they did it.

So, like, I guess they overpaid me. And it was frustrating because they did it the day that I bought, like, seasonal passes to six flags. So it felt like they, like, could see that I was spending my money on dumb shit. Rivalously, did you really buy season passes to six bucks to go, like, from now until December? And, like, it's so funny. I've just been casually hitting up all my friends who have cars. And I'm like, dude, did you've thought about... Where is it, Jersey?

Yeah, yeah, it's about... You're probably... Sorry. A little closer. Yeah, yeah. It's in... That's so funny. But, yeah, it's like a one-day ticket is like 80 bucks or a season pass is like 60 bucks, right?

Something crazy. Yeah, one day is 40, and then season is 60. So I'm like, it's 20 extra bucks. If I go to Six Flags twice, then it's worth it. That is really worth it. Yeah, and then they also have a water park. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't think you could pay me to go to Six Flags. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Why not? I mean, that's got everything you need, dude. It's got everything you need, dude. You got fried food, underage girls.

Children. That's a party, right there. Yeah, that's a party. Hey, girl, you want some cotton candy? I used to... How about a thick five inches? You want that? We had to volunteer there in college.

So I worked there on weekends for like two months. And I worked at Thomas the Tank Engine. How do you volunteer at Six Flags? Well, they were like paying us. We were fundraising. So we had to work for free. But then it would go to a fund. And we, yeah, I worked at Thomas the Tank Engine Ride for like 10 hours a day.

Every Saturday. It sounds awful. It was fucking torture. And I was like, I'll never go back to Six Flags ever again. And they had me work. they had me, they just, like, you go in and they just tell you, oh, go to this ride and you, like, can't possibly fuck it up. But you can still kind of fuck it up. And then I was doing well at the Thomas the Tank Engine ride, so they switched me to the ride where it just goes straight up in the, like a real ride that goes like really high up and then just drops you.

And I was the one responsible for fucking locking people in. Oh, God. They give you no training at all. They're just like, yeah, they're just like, yeah, just lock them in and then give us a thumbs up when they're like. locked in. That's, that's sketchy. I feel like, that's why I'll never go there. Do you, do you ever get high before work or anything? Uh, no, but that would have been a good spot to do it at, for sure. But not if you're locking people in them. You had just seen somebody just get launched in it. I mean, just fly out of the seat. Is you going in slow motion too? Because you're

stoned, you're like, get the fuck out. Yeah, I just see legs coming at me and like, oh shit. Holy crap. Yeah, but the credentials that they use for that place is like insane. What do you mean? Like, you have to have actual credentials? No, zero. Like, we would walk in that day they had no idea who we were and they're like, you go to this ride and you're responsible for these children's lives. The thing about Six Flags is it's pretty common. They can't afford to give people proper training or proper maintenance on the rides because they keep getting sued for people being hurt on their shitty rides. Yeah, yeah. So they, you know, it's, you know, it's kind of sort of a catch-22. Yeah. Yeah, we definitely weren't insured. And if anything

happened, they probably would have just been like, you guys get the fuck. out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we'll just say we had no idea who did it. I have a family friend. They didn't tie him in correctly at a zip line and he fell.

He's alive. He's alive. He's alive. But apparently the guy who dropped him was just like, speaking in Spanish. He's like, I killed him. I killed him. And the family knew Spanish.

They're like, God damn it. They looked for him for like, I think like an hour or so and they found him. And I guess his leg hit a tree so it like broke the fall a little bit. Where was it? Like in the Amazon?

Yeah. Or Costa Rica. Is that part of the Amazon? Jesus. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if it's the Amazon, but it's definitely like tropical. Yeah. Yeah, a place where you would go ziplining.

Yeah, dude, I'll probably never go ziplining because of that story. Who do you sue in that case? If they're Costa Rica laws are, you know. Willie, nilly. Yeah, probably the guy who, probably the company. I'm sure that guy doesn't work there anymore. Yeah, there's probably very little regulations there. That's so sad because that's like the sixth best job in Costa Rica.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure you signed something before that like nobody pays attention to that just says if you if you fall, it's not her fault. Yeah. What'd you expect? Somebody's like, it's a Spanish. I'm just going to sign everything. It doesn't matter. I signed something before I got to work and I didn't know what it was. And it turns out I agreed not to sexually harass women I worked with. Fucking horse shit. Now I hate my job. Did you just not read it at first? Of course not. You don't think they're going to, you know. That's so funny you mentioned that because I'm realizing I still haven't filled out the sexual harassment thing for my job at all. Oh, dude, you got to get to work then. Until they make you sign that, you're a free minute. Yeah, just have fun.

It's like, so I can do anything. Hey, come here, sweetie. Kintz, I haven't signed anything. I can do what I want. They're like, we can't do anything about it. He hasn't signed it. He hasn't signed it saying it's bad, so. Yeah, that's weird that they even have to make you sign something.

It's like being in international waters. Yeah, you can just do whatever you want. Being on a cruise ship. You're on a cruise ship right now of sexual harassment. Have you either you guys been on a cruise? Yeah, I just went on one. Right before the pandemic. It was fucking awesome.

Oh, that's perfect because you probably missed where you got stuck out there. Yeah. I was like one of the last cruises to come in before. I know somebody that got stuck out there. That sounds like terrifying. Especially when COVID started, imagine if you like knew that one person on the ship had COVID. Because like that happened and they like wouldn't dock the ship and then. Yeah, it starts as one.

And also you didn't like know that much about COVID. All you heard was that people were just dying in Italy. That's all you know. I had no idea why. Yeah. Like now you know that is like. long as you don't weigh 350, it's kind of a sniffle. Yeah.

Yeah, you're fine. Yeah, exactly. Coming from you. Why do you think I only weigh 300 pounds? Why do you think I cut back? It's because of COVID. Yeah, the cruises, it would be horrible because it would start as like a big orgy. And then next thing, you know, you're just stuck out there.

And it started as a big orgy? Like a cruise is all, it starts as like a fun thing. But if everybody got COVID, and they left you stranded out there and then everybody's shitting in the in the hallways and stuff that would be

yeah I'd be freaked out especially if they like ran out of alcohol because like that's the whole thing yeah because the idea of being like stranded out there with like no way to calm yourself down is very scary. Oh just with with trash people it's all it's all trash people on that thing.

Of course it is. Yeah but I love it. That's why you went there. I thrived on it. Yeah, we went to a... Yeah, NASCAR. We did a, we didn't win to Mexico

It was like when a college one of those You get the drink packages Oh yeah You can drink and it's just It's all college kids on? Yeah, it's just disaster What a horrible idea Yeah, I don't know

A lot of fights That I don't think there were too many Because I think everybody Kind of had the mindset They're like if I get in a fight with you I'm gonna have to see you every single day On this cruise

Like at the buffet the next day You're like looking at somebody It's a black eye And you're like oh yeah What do you think people are gonna be fighting over Alan? Women Alcohol The limbo

Whatever, dude. You would have just been kicking asses out there. Yeah, shrimp cocktails. Anything. I would love to see you out there on a cruise. Oh, that would be fun, yeah. I don't drink anymore, so it wouldn't be fun. I'd like, hey, would you guys calm down, huh?

Would you ever want to do it be a comic on a cruise ship? I think that'd be pretty sweet. God, no. If you had friends, there were also comics on it, yes, but if you were just by yourself and... You bring, like, a girl and... You know, that would be fun. Then she has to watch you bomb on a cruise. Yeah.

What's that guy joking about? Yeah. Yeah, she came with you and she leaves with, like, the fucking bartender or something. Yeah, he's way funny. That, uh, I remember the... She's stranded. She's fucking the bartender, the room next to you. Hey, I can hear you guys.

I knew I shouldn't have done that Epstein chunk. It's new, babe. Come on. Just working stuff out here. Yeah, that's what I like about my girlfriend, though. She, like, knows, like, there was a cruise comic, and she's, like, looking over me. She's like, this guy's a fucking hack. Like, she's, like, I'm glad she knows something about comedy where, like, she'll know what's shady or not.

But then that also means my jokes that are hack issues. Have you ever taken her to a show where you bombed horribly? No, I took her to a show that everybody was bombing, and then I did good, which was great. But she never seen me, like, eat a dick, fortunately. That's a thing. I wonder what that would do for the relationship if she said, you, like, really bomb. Really struggle? Yeah.

Yeah. And she just comes home. woman is so disappointed. Well, she was a good woman. She would bring you home and say, it's okay, babe. Everyone, you know, Elvis had bad shows. And you're my Elvis.

She's like, I would maybe not use the N-word next time, but here's some constructive criticism. Just like Elvis. Use the N-word. Tell people, you know, karate. Yeah, that would be tough. It would almost be worse

if she, like, fucked you afterwards, after you bombed. Why? Like, how can you possibly fuck me? You're like, you'll fuck this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll fuck anything. If you'll fuck me after a bomb, you're trash.

The funny thing with her, though, is she like, it's so funny because, like, she knew how bad my earlier jokes her when I didn't. Like, she'd be like, I don't know about these jokes are kind of like, eh. And then I would be like, nah, these are fucking goals. So I was like, you don't know anything about comedy. And then, like, I get, like, further in. You're a woman. Yeah, exactly. That decredits you in comedy.

But no, I literally, yeah. Then I look back and like those jokes were horrific. They're all horrific though when you look back on them. Yeah. I do like going back and like thinking about your first joke. So they're kind of fun. Just like a little seed that planted that your act became. Yeah.

Chris, what's one of your first jokes? I don't know. I probably still use a lot of my first jokes. I've grown so much as a comic. Yeah. I can't think of my first jokes. I mean, they were all like incest and So you haven't changed at all?

A lot of insoucest, a lot of stuff where you're gay. Could you imagine guys? How crazy would this be? Can you imagine I'm putting peonishes in my mouth and loving my boyfriend? Isn't that just crazy? Can you imagine us adopt a kid or something wacky like that? What if we bought a house in your neighborhood? I'm crazy with that game

and the value of all the houses around us, why not? Go to your Starbucks. Nutty, huh? That was my whole bit. I remember the worst bomb I ever had was, I had some stupid joke. It was like, I was like a couple months

into comedy about how about how Anne Frank's clitoris would be hard to find because it's already hard to find to like Anne Frank. I heard. remember it was so bad because it was like the heart's hair bomb. The first thing I say I just get on stage I'm like, I bet Anne Frank's clitor so it's hard to find

and then nobody laughs but one person just goes, Jesus Christ. I've gotten one of those before. I think that's kind of funny. It's kind of cute. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I'm just like riding up stuff. You know, I was thinking actually I was like, this is a pretty clever premise. I wonder where he's going to go with this. And then

he was like, so Anne Frank's clit's pretty hard to find. I was like, okay, yeah. That's kind of the whole thing. And I remember he was like, for five straight minutes, not a single laugh. And I knocked over the mic stand like four times. I'm just like trying to pick it up. Oh my God.

I'm just sweating. Dude, those first, like bombing now means nothing, like compared to what it did. Like, it still sucks. Yeah. But, like, dude, the worst thing that can ever happen to you is you bomb, like, your fucking first six months in around. Yeah. Everyone still just hurts. Yeah, it's painful.

Yeah. Yeah. You think of it every now and then. You're like, I'm never telling that joke again. Yeah. ever. I had one like a month ago that was bad because I remember I was bombing and I literally told the audience I was like, I don't even care what you guys think.

And then immediately I was like, that was a lie. I was like, I really want you guys to like me. I couldn't even like fake. Because you can't fake not care. They're like, yeah, we can tell. You see like a Bernie Mac special and you're like, oh, I can go out there and just tell people out. I'm not scared to you and that stuff.

It's just bad. I mean, to be honest, I mean, yeah, it's like you wouldn't be there if you didn't care what they thought. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's the whole point for me to gauge if they like me or not. It's always the plan going in is to have that mentality. I don't give a fuck. 30 seconds in, I'm like, oh, shit.

If a joke doesn't hit, I'm like, fuck, fuck. Yeah. Start reeling. But that's also like a good cop out for some. I feel like some younger comics. I mean, I'm younger, but like you watch like a Patrice documentary. And then they're like, you know what? This room just couldn't handle the truth.

That's what it was. That's why they didn't like me. They're like, Patrice says some people should like it. Some people should hate it. And like, obviously there's some truth that. But like, if you're just bombing every show, you can't be like... Yeah.

You guys don't get it. I personally love it when like 40% of the crowd like hates it, but they're just being drowned out by laughter. That is an amazing feeling. Yeah.

That's an amazing feeling. Yeah. But they have to be drowned out. Yeah, they have to be drowned out. It can't be people laughing but covering their mouth. Yeah.

I call those people out now. I hate those people. Not the people who are like, oh my goodness. How dare he say that? Those people are fucking tards. That's how they're supposed to act. People covering their mouth.

you know this is funny. Back me up, you cock sucker. Yeah, yeah. Back me up. Please. Yeah, that was weird. I had to show last night, and this girl's laughing, she's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why are you apologizing for laugh? Like, some people, that's a weird thing where, like, they kind of... But that's different, because I feel like what you're talking to does, people wanting to laugh. But...

They're the... Pussies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I also feel like that could be, like, the darkness. Like, if the room's totally dark, I think people are more comfortable laughing and fucked up shit, because they're like, nobody could see my face. Yeah, true. Yeah. The darker, the better. The darker the room to go. The darker the better.

Doesn't that what your girlfriend said before she left you, Chris? You know I'm sensitive about that. Have you guys watched that Sasquash documentary on Hulu? No. I don't recommend it. So it's about this guy who goes looking for like a sask... He worked on a pot farm when he was like in his 20s, and then three guys got murdered by apparently a saskwash.

Jesus. So this guy's just high. Yeah, yeah, that's right. That was my immediate assumption. Every Sasquatch document. The documentary ends the same. They don't find shit. Because if they found it, we would know.

We would have heard about it. And I'm just going to ruin this for anybody listening. There was some guy named Bigfoot that killed the guys. And that's just how that rumor got out there. But it's so funny because in the documentary, the guy randomly just goes, he's like, yeah, you know, he's like, you know, I think I was running from my own monsters because I was molested as a kid. And then he just goes on to something else. It's like 30 seconds of the whole documentary. And you're like, I haven't finished it yet.

So maybe it comes back in like a bigger way. Yeah. Can we touch on that again? Is this what this is all really about? You know there's no fucking saskwatch. It was so weird. And then he's like, it's literally 30 seconds and he talks about it.

He's like, oh, I was molested. And I tried to kill the guy who molested me. And he's like, and that's why I'm on such a hunt for this monster because I never caught my own monster, something like that. Can you imagine that? Imagine if they had a documentary. It's a locknest monster. And the camera goes and the guy,

goes, yeah, birthday clown touched me. And then he just looks over and sees, I don't see it. I don't see it over a bridge. I don't see any monster guys.

We'll come back tomorrow. Yeah. I'm big into UFO stuff, but I can't really get behind locked his monster or Bigfoot. Didn't they prove UFOs? Like, not prove.

Like, the government says UFOs are now real and they don't know what those were, right? Yeah, they're like, we don't know what those are. And I believe, I don't know, I'm pretty easy to believe UFO stuff this. I don't really know if

I don't know if I can believe my own thoughts because I'm like, I think it's real. But I realize that I kind of like easily believe it. Like I hear one guy say he got abducted. I'm like, sounds good to me. UFOs just don't interest me that much. Every time Rogan goes into it on his podcast, I like fast forward. That's how I feel when he goes into MMA.

MMA and aliens. I'm like, I mean, it'd be interesting. It's wild, but I just don't care enough. I believe the guys who said that they had a probe, put in their butt because this was happening in 1970, 1980. like America was very homophobic at that time. Yeah, so that's really good. Yeah, they put shit in my ass.

It's like saying, like, I don't really feel like a man anymore. Like, that is crazy. But also, by that same value, though, sometimes people are so calm about it that it's hard to believe. Because if you talk to somebody who was molested, unless they're running a Sasquash documentary, they're usually like very like, they're like, it's tough.

And then some of these UFO people, though, they'll be like, yeah, no, I mean, they put a group of my ass in outer, space and then they brought me down. Those guys are just gay. That's all that. Yes, they put a probe in my ass. Can you believe it?

They abducted me outside of Julio's tequila park. Or aliens, I tell you. Everybody's got the same story, too, which is very suspicious. Well, yeah, I guess it's not this. They wouldn't do it the same way. Right. You would think they'd be... The weird one is, though, though...

What are the aliens going to say, though? Are they really going to sit there and like, hey, you know, these guys talk. So let's switch it up. Put on a cowboy outfit. I don't know. I don't know. Just make them think that the Germans are doing this.

You know, they don't care. The weird one, though, I also do is like the people that have actual police reports of them missing for like four days and then their stories,

like, oh, I was abducted for four days and then about it. But then some people, they think that some of those stories are also people getting molested,

they say, or they say it's people waking up in surgery and these are just like their memories kind of like because a lot of times the UFO stuff, Sometimes people are like, oh, I was just abducted by UFOs. Sounds very convenient.

Yeah, yeah. But sometimes it's like 30 years later. Sounds like something the men in black would say. I don't believe it for one second. So you're saying the men and black are actually... They're telling people they were molested instead of aliens? I think the men in black are fucking people. They're saying there's...

Will Smith. That's what that thing is. It's just like a roofy. Yeah. This was aliens. Okay. One of his pants buckling them. you're abducted by aliens

it's fine we saved you it is you know what though it's nice if aliens really are just abducting people and shoving shit up their ass it's not nice that they're doing that but they're letting people live so they don't want to kill anyone yeah yeah yeah they either just want

you know scientific purposes or they're just you know freaks I don't know right if I had to pick one to be real I'd rather Bigfoot be real than aliens yeah yeah it's way less scary just like one furry guy that lives in the woods that's a coin flip though because aliens of their advanced

They could cure all our diseases. And they could actually probably give us a real bigfoot to put in it in like a cage. Throw Oreos at. Or they'd give us a race of bigfoot so we could enslave. Exactly. It's like, all right, make these guys as white as possible, for the love of God. That'll make everybody more comfortable. Give them blonde hair and polo shirts.

We don't need a repeat of what happened. You know. I mean, what could a Sasquatch really do other than beat the shit out of another Sasquatch? Well, they could lift things. They could lift things. Yeah, I don't know. They seem aggressive, though, too. Yeah.

Yeah. I think you'd have to get them on some sort of drug. Sedate them a little bit. Yeah, no, no, just get them addicted, like, to a drug. Some opiates. That you can press a button and give to them so they don't turn on you. Yeah. Yeah, oh, that'd be cool, like a neck thing, and then it injects it, like, right when you need it.

Star Trek, Deep Space Nine? No. Is that an episode? Oh yeah, that's a whole clan of people. Really? Oh, yeah, Galactic War. Check it out, people. Seasons three through seven especially.

Yeah. Yeah, I, uh... I don't know. The Bigfoot stuff's weird to me, but then the guy who, like... The one guy was, like, admitted he... One of the guys, like, failed a lie detector test

that asked if he ever bought a Bigfoot costume or something like that. So... Yeah, it's all bogus. Who cares? Yeah. The weird thing was that embryo thing. Did you see that where they made a human monkey embryo?

No. Like with the genes. I also went to, I had a professor in college. He was like a gene guy. And he was, that sounds like he just wore denim. But he was like into genetics. And he was saying that like, he's like, I was like, do you think that there are capabilities to clone humans? And he's like 100%.

He's like, I was like, do you think it's been done somewhere on like an offshore lab? He's like, absolutely. Who's going to do it? China, Russia. Some place where they don't have rules. Also, my tutor was Alex Jones. I think China, they're the last who's going to clone people. They're like, we got enough of these fuckers running around.

The human monkey embryo, what are they going to do with that? Are they going to make chimps like super smart? Because that'd be pretty sweet. I feel like that's probably where it's good. Well, I think they're trying to do it for like so they can make a chimpanzee that has similar organs. So they can use those organs to give to humans. So randomly, that kind of sucks because randomly they're just, once the chimpanzees full enough,

they're just going to cut out. I don't know how they're justifying it with. I don't know. Well, I mean, human life versus monkey clone. Like, who's more important? Yeah. Well, it's also weird they're not using chimps

because monkeys are like further genetically away from us than chimpanzees are. Because chimpanzees, I think, are closest like ancestors. Really? Yeah. Didn't we already go through this phase that they're creating? No.

Technically? Well, no, because chimpanzees, have a similar... So, like, we both came from the same thing as chimpanzees. 99% match DNA-wise. Yeah. Yeah, so we're very, very similar chimps. Same with a banana, too, aren't we?

Are we, like, 99.8? Yeah, yeah. No, 99% champ. You can tell, too, when you're watching that show, real housewives of Miami. You can tell. Jesus Christ, you can tell.

No, you've seen those leather-faced weirdos throwing shardinet at each other. I've never been to see. What a... Oh, thank God they're all white chicks. I didn't know where you're going to go with that last bit. Okay, clarify for the audience. Yes, white.

White. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember Antoine Walker's wife was on one of them one time. Yeah? That fat gambling tub of go. Yeah. Or his ex-wife.

Antoine Walker. He lost all his money gambling. He was the best, man. No, he wasn't. He wasn't even the best of his own team. He was so erratic. He was such a put up big numbers on a bad, on a horrible team guy. Definitely.

He was the perfect guy for that. Not a sports guy. Really? Of course not. You were watching a big foot documentary. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was really bad at sports, so I just never got into it. She said, fuck this.

Yeah, yeah. I, um, I remember I joined football in middle school, though, because I thought it would immediately get me pussy. I thought it was just like how it works. I thought like with the pads, you just go and fuck chicks afterwards. Yeah. It didn't work out? No, not at all.

Really? And the coach hate me because I would just goof around the whole time. Well, that's because you were asking permission to fuck them. Yeah, yeah. It would have worked if you'd follow the, you know, the instructions exactly. Should it have done lacrosse. Go get her. Should have done lacrosse.

That would have been. Yeah, yeah. But if you're bad at any of the sports, it doesn't matter. You're bad at all. But it was fine. Like, I still got girls and stuff. I still got fucking pussy. No.

We did have a... In theater. Yeah. We had a swim coach at our middle school. I remember who, like, got caught banging a kid. He had like one of those to catch a predator things where like they took his phone. No way. And they were like, yeah, I'm so horny.

Come over to like meet me. And then he's like, fuck yeah. And then he gets the parking lot. No way. A teacher at your school? Yeah, my elementary school or my middle school. And then my high school, it happened a couple times too, but like not to that extent. That's less weird.

But it's weird. This one was that in middle school the teacher was doing it. He was a swim coach. So he had like a goggles stand and his mugshot. Oh. That's a tough luck. That's pretty bad. Yeah.

God, it is tough to get a job after that. Yeah. Never mind trying to teach swimming again. What did he... I just want to push carts around at a Christmas tree shop. What did he do? I wonder if he got off with entrapment or something. Yeah, I guess it's better.

I don't know. That'd be funny if the police are like, we're going to let them fuck the kids so that we can get them on more charges. We need more evidence here. We don't really have enough here. That's fucking wild. I also read the...

To Catch a Predator Beastiality, people. Because I was wondering how people get caught. fucking animals. No way. And I guess it's like a Craigslist thing where somebody would be like, hey, here's my dog if you want to fuck it,

come to this address. And then the people come to the address and then they're like, ah, got you trying to fuck a dog. That would be a great show. The old ad on Craigslist. The old,

want to fuck my dog animal. I've been there before. Can you imagine how stupid you feel when you've been trip like that? Well, is there even a dog? Was there ever even a fucking dog?

I should have know when he was texting me in English to show up. that it wasn't that. Why did why did to catch a predator ever end? I feel like that was such a,

such a popular. A pedophile killed himself. Oh. Really? Yeah, shot himself for the trial and everything. Oh, I think I remember hearing that.

He shot it while the camera crew was like outside, I think. I think they were like about to go in his house and he shot himself. Yeah, something like, he was like a judge or something like that. It was something like big, big fish. Yeah.

All right, Pete. It's tough. I know. But I mean, what other option do you have at that point? Pour one out for them. Pour out your juice boxes. I don't know what you did. Sweet to.

What do you think the camera crew did at that point when they're like, oh, fuck. This guy just kill it. It's like, hey, don't take it so seriously, man. It's like, hey, chill out, dude. We'll delete the tapes, all right? Relax, man. I didn't know you were going to be a bitch about it. Oh, that would be so fucked.

I love the idea of the To Catch a Predator with Beastiality They're like The guy just shows up with like dog food And like an airbud Trilogy's like fuck Yeah how is that not a show How is that not a show?

To catch a beastiality A zoo What's it's called zoophilia or something like then? I don't know Bestiality I'm playing stupid It's called We know exactly what it's called

No I know it's not a show That's just the name of the You're thinking a zootopia Aal A different movie Right right That's right at PG. Doesn't mean you can't jerk off to it, though.

There's no rule against that. There is actually. Movie theaters and laws. Yeah, I mean, if you're smart enough to wait until it comes on demand. Yeah, but I'm going to be a theater so bad. It's been so long. You're the first one in the theater to see Zootopia 3. You're like, COVID's great.

All the rows. There's nobody around me. No one to judge. Yeah. somebody definitely jerked off to King Kong versus Godzilla I assume really well a lot of people saw it so by somebody yeah

by law yeah somebody had to maybe in Japan I don't know that's like your fear they say like something weird with your fetishes they say your fetishes are like sometimes things you you hate in real life really yeah

really yeah like like step moms yeah exactly no that's like a thing I mean it makes sense because girls have horrible relationship with their father want to fuck like older guys normally. Yeah. Can't wait for that.

We're pretty, we're there, Alan. It should be happening now. You're just, why isn't it? Today is, uh... Can't wait till I'm an older, man. Yes, hi. Is anyone here his father an unemployed telemarketer that he didn't get along with?

Any of you? I can take care of that fetish for you real quick. That's not a problem at all. How, uh, so do you tell a marketing? or you did? I was, yeah, yeah. How much did that suck? I've done, I called for my university

and I'd have to cold call people and ask for donations. I haven't cold called in a long time. I do incoming calls now. No, okay. Or I did. And right, I haven't worked in a very long time. You were like the sexy chick then, huh?

Just taking inbound fucking leads all day long. Yeah, basically. Yeah, no, I, people, you ever seen like stupid shit on TV? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you call to order that stupid shit, it was my job to sell,

you more stupid job. So it would take a long time because I had to offer you everything. I had people just buying shit just to get me right out of there. You also did time shares too, right? For a while, yeah, I was going to time shares. I made a pretty goddamn good, good, uh, make

made some good money doing that. Those are scams, right? Most of the time. Yeah, pretty much. Where does it scam? I never understood because some people have time shares are like, oh, it's great, but some people that's, yeah, it depends the company. Is it like the seasonal six flags tickets where you think You spend more because you think you're going to do something,

but you never go to your time share? Yeah, I mean, mostly never go to your time share, and you're paying maintenance fees and all sorts of horse shit, and it's usually not available when you need it to be. They convince you, you, like, own it, right? But you don't really own it? Yeah. That happened to my family recently.

Well, not that, but they went to a condo that they thought was booked for them, and then there's just, like, some random group of people who are people who got overbooked, yeah. Really? Luckily, it was, like, 30 minutes away, so. Yeah. It was like they went to, like, Costa Rica. Yeah, yeah. fell off the zip line.

We're sharing a vacation with the Jefferson's, all right? That's like a funny comedy, like a white and black family. I almost went to a black family reunion. You know my buddy, we took the Red Coach bus and we got really high

and then we walked on the wrong bus for like two seconds. And both buses we were the only white people on. But this one, luckily we saw a sign that said like Johnson family reunion or something like that.

And I'm like, could you imagine us just randomly at, that sounds like it would be a fun movie. I don't know. Yeah. If you had to convince him for some reason. Yeah. To get in on the will.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, my name's Avery Washington. It's me. You don't recognize me? Yeah, it's too bad about Uncle Ted. Yeah, I was just talking about it the other day. I went to my buddy's funeral, and it's great because we played a, it was perfect because he liked to go hard.

and at his funeral, it was kind of sad that obviously his family was crying, but the guy in the DJ put on Trapp House 3 by Gucci Main, which is kind of awesome because it was just showing slides of him while playing like some hood-ass rap music. I love that there was a DJ

at the funeral. Oh, yeah, it was just my buddy with the ox, but I liked that that was like the way to... Yeah, I also, I need to stop to... I talked about this funeral on like every episode. It was like, I've got to move on. No.

That's what he would have wanted. Yeah, that's what we said the whole time. We've got to get some coke and go to the titty bar because that's what he was. Oh, titty bars. God, I haven't been to a titty bar in two weeks. It's fucking crazy.

It is really getting to me. It is really building up here. There's one by time square that looks so good because the pictures are like from the 90s. Yeah. Like the pictures. I saw a sign that said it's open. That one? Well, I know it's a dirty bookstore downstairs.

I don't know if the upstairs is open. Oh, maybe that's a dirty bookstore. That takes you back, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I can't remember. imagine what a rip-off that's got to be in time square a strip club oh i'm sure yeah it's gotta be hell no brutal we should drive for that one that's in connecticut in the middle of nowhere electric blue yeah that one's incredible i told you about that one yeah tell me about this one very hands-on

no it's just like a good a good strip club my buddy lives right near there and we went to it before his wedding i want to say but yeah the night before his wedding or something and yeah, it was cool. There's, I don't want to sound too creepy, but there's like no rules. There's two and every one. Yeah, there's some place like that. There's one in Florida. It's called Cafe Risque.

And it's, we kept driving by it. I remember. Sounds so classy, doesn't it? Yeah, it's not. It's like a trucker stop. But it was on the way to school. And so I'd always be driving my friends. And they'd be like on the way to college.

on the drive of the vehicle, we gotta stop, we gotta stop. And then they're like, no, no, no, no. I was like, no, no, no. And then finally, it was the day before, we were on our way to a funeral the next day, and the only time we could stop is, like, Tuesday at, like, noon.

And I remember the fucking, the dance squad that was, it was horrible. But, like, they can't serve alcohol so you only can eat food there. It's so weird. Just so it's not regulated, but the alcohol, tobacco, firearms bureau. Will they sell you your own beer back to you?

Some places will let you, like, bring your own beer in, and then they sell it back to it. Oh, no, I don't know. I don't think so weird. Some places just have like a bar right next door. Yeah. Yeah. But it is like bad because like you're just,

the girl on stage were just like clearly on heroin. Just a bunch of horny, sober guys and then all like cracked out. Yeah. Yeah. But they do get full. There's no rules, but you kind of wish there were some rules.

Yeah. It's like, hey, can we have rules here, please? Yeah. I don't know. Strip clubs are,

uh, I think they're just fun. I don't care as much about like, especially because I have a girlfriend. She doesn't like me getting lap dances. But it, I feel like it's just What a prude.

I know, right? But I think it's just fun to watch Dames, huh? Broads. But it's like, it's still fun to watch your buddy get tities in his face

or just like some middle-aged man just throw away his kids' money just like all on the stripper. Yeah, it's nice and sad in there. Yes, it is. It's nice and sad. It's nice and especially Tuesday nights.

Tuesday nights. Yeah, middle of the week at a strip club. You know, it's not there. A team working it. It's not their A team. But you know what? You have that place all to yourself.

Yeah. You're the only one. And it's the heart squad. You know, it's a team that's like really going to give their best effort. Yeah, the underdogs. The overachievers. Yeah, I remember the second girl. Lunch pale horse.

Lunch pale horse. That could be the title of your album. Lunch pale horse. You go, oh, this guy's, this guy's. This guy's. profound. Lunch pale horse. Yeah, I remember there was this one

really fat girl and she was like, oh, you guys are from Orlando and she's like, shaking her pussy like obviously. She's like, take me to Disney World. I like that line. But you can't bring your phone either. So like I genuinely did not want to look at her vagina but it's the only thing in the room that was like at eye level.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you don't want to look at that snatched. Absolutely not. No, that's what it becomes almost like a, it becomes like a health class at some point. It's like, all right, this is no longer erotic. Yeah, well, it's so busted out, you can see the inside. So it's just like a diorama.

You guys probably had to watch that video, right? The woman just, the one we watched in high school, it was just so casual. Yeah, but it was so casual. The girl's just, like, sitting there, and then the kid kind of just, like, pops out very fast. I don't know if we did have that. I remember hearing stories about that,

but I don't remember ever watching it. I feel like that would have been a big memory. Yeah, you're like, we saw a pussy on the screen today at school. It was kind of weird. And then our teacher made us watch nine other pornographic movies afterwards alone, which I don't think was part of the class. No, I don't think so at all either. He's like, Michael, can you stay after and watch this with me? Did you guys watch the section about gay porn too, where you guys just watch gay porn for hours?

Do you guys see that? Gay porn and Shiraz? Did you guys? Did you guys? The guy like for Tedd, he was very funny, though. because it is weird that a gym coach also teaches you like the health class I don't know he's kind of it's weird the guy who has access to the locker room is also the one that's talking to you about like

sexuality the next day but um he like pretended the TV remote was broken though which is funny like right when the baby was coming out of the vagina he's like oh sorry my bed and everybody's like ah classic that's uh yeah and then he went on to bang

everybody in the class yeah yeah no that guy was that guy was fine I think there's also a band teacher in my high school is one that was fucking some kid. And I think he was like 17. So, you know, are we really split in hairs here? It was a she? No, it was a he.

But we also had a she at our high school who was going to bang a student, but then he told everybody and got her fire. Oh, what an idiot. That's a thing with kids. This is one sexy call high school. I know, really. Oh, yeah. Well, it's Florida. Everybody's tan.

They're all in shape. They're going to the beach. Yeah, it's a good looking high school. I never knew, like, sex with a teacher was even a thing. like after we got out, then you started hearing all these stories about it. I'm like, oh, I didn't know that was a thing. Yeah, I think the student kind of has to make the move because it's like, you know what I mean? With the female, I feel, I don't know, I guess girls could do it pretty easily.

If you're a girl student, it'd be easy. Yeah, yeah. But the guy's student, I feel like the teacher has to be the, uh, yeah, the one that opens that door to, too. Yeah, you got to be really, really next level confidence at 1617 to be doing that. Hey, how you doing? Yeah, yeah. Do you think my car is cool? You're talking about the kid.

I think you're talking about the teacher. The teacher's just like some middle-aged man. I thought you were saying. He was like, did you think my car's cool? Does this guy fucking autistic? She's like, why is he talking to me this way? Works both ways. Yeah, it works both ways.

Either way, the car is in play for whoever's fucking. Did you guys ever have bomb threats? Yeah, no. Some kids were going to shoot up my school. they were gonna and then why didn't you do it because Hitler's birthday fell on a Sunday

you know what not this year but next year you were just too lazy that's for sure a thing like a hesitant school shooter who's like today's the day and he just doesn't have the motivation

yeah he's like you know what he's just the weather's not it's raining nobody wants to shoot up high school on a rainy day you know it'll be fucked up if you actually just shot up a school and no one was there

and Monday they just showed there's a bunch of bullets all over What the fuck? You're just trying to play it cool? Like, nothing happened? He's just writing notes on the wall. Let's take this, bullies. Oh, that's weird shit.

Yeah, I remember bomb threats were always a thing. Those were trendy for a little while. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, you know what? Beets going to algebra class. Yeah, oh my God. I was so excited that day that happened.

My mom was like, I don't, she's like, I don't think I feel safe for you going to school tomorrow even. I'm like, me neither. Yeah. Yeah. It was funny because, like, what happened, I think, I think one was a bomb threat, but one was a school shooting threat. But it was so funny because the guy's like, I'm going to kill everybody at your high school.

And the guy just who was talking to the guy online goes, okay, lull. And everybody was like, God damn it, Ethan. I can't believe you like casually just told that guy to come shoot up our high school. He's like, whatever. I'm not going to be there. Oh, that would have been a tough, tough one if it actually went down. Yeah, the best is I worked as some guy who went to Parkland. And not the one who went there and shot it up.

but this guy who just like went to their high school and I worked at them in a call center and he was like he's like yeah Parkland got shot up he's like yeah I went to school there and then he just goes back to it I was like isn't that like are you okay is everything all right he's like I don't still go to school there it's not a big deal and he just like went on with his day I was like

it's weird to be that cat like it could have been you he's like it wasn't so it's like those people who said they like the 9-11 flight things where people were almost booked on 9-11 and some people are like I can't believe that was almost me but then other people like Seth Macbarland's like oh it's no big deal because he's like he just he was supposed to be on it right? Yeah yeah and he's like

I miss he's like I miss most flights so it's not a big deal and then Mark Wahlberg's my favorite because you know Mark Wahlberg said he could like stop it yeah he said he could stop it and then he said he could like land the plane which is so funny to me too because it's like it's less surprising that he could stop the terrorist

and way more surprising that he thinks he could just land a plane yeah yeah yeah I mean if the if the terrorist was a Chinese guy he could blind him. He's great at that. Yeah, he's great at that. Yeah, there's fantastic.

Yeah, there's a tough thing. There's any hate crimes involved. Mark Wahlberg's your guy. Yeah, he's got a lot of those. You take out the terrorists and then you've got to land the plane. That is the hard part. Yeah. Actually, you know what? Not necessarily.

You call, like, you can get instructions. They walk you through it? Yeah, they'll walk you through it. I wonder if they could, like, put a plane next, like, bring a plane up next to it and, like, guide it in or something, like, tie them together. I don't think that's how. Or zip line across. I have someone's zip line across.

You just saw the movie Air Force One. That's all this is. I like this one because it's a picture of a shirtless. And it's like, if I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn't have went down like that. There would have been a lot of blood in the first class cabin and me saying, okay, we're going to land somewhere safely.

Don't worry. Followed by a couple racial slurs. I know this is Arabs doing this. I just want to take time to talk about the Chinese and fucking Mexicans too. Okay. This is our he, imagine that he beats up a terrorist, but then goes in a racist rant. You're like, fuck, man. Yeah.

I guess he thinks he gets to do this now. Yeah. It's what he saved us. You could say whatever. What if we found out all Mark Wahlberg movies, they had to edit out, like, just hours of racial slurs? Like, it's in the script. Improving. Yeah, he doesn't know.

He's like, I think I know what you're going for here. Let me take this one. This has nothing to do with Mexicans, Mr. Walburne. You're on a boat. It's called the perfect. Storm. The waves are coming in like Mexicans over the fucking border kid.

Over and over. God. Jesus Christ. What a great movie. You just made it even better. What's up of those bananas over there? Oh, those are destroyed. Those are so rotten.

Yeah, I don't know. I'll get rid of them at some point. I never saw a perfect storm. But the weird thing about his hate crimes, you're like, obviously they're bad. But I think It sounds like I'm going to justify them more. But like, I don't mean, with all the hate crimes

toward agents now, you could just say he was ahead of his time. Yeah, exactly. He was an early. It's a pioneer. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I know the thing with him, though, is like, he was also like a Coke addict when he was like 15. So I'm like, that's kind of hard to.

But then, like, I think he wanted one guy to like apologize for, like, to him. He's like, no, I've changed. So now apologize for like. Yeah, I think he wanted it, like, wiped off his, uh, his record or something like that. But it's like, everybody's still going to know about it. It's like you're Mark Wahlberg and he was in the news. Nobody's gonna be like,

I forgot about it. He's still making movies, though. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know what bugs me? He, uh, he, he,

he apologized, not for the hate crime. Uh, he probably did, I don't remember it, but he apologized for making the movie Boogie Nights,

like, which from what I can see is like the only, like, one of the only good movies he's ever done. Yeah, why,

what do you apologize for? Yeah, just because it was the porn industry and he's Christian now, I guess. Oh, that's so stupid. That's fucking dumb.

But then he's not apologizing for the hate crimes as much. He's like, yeah, I'm sorry I got caught doing the other thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But on boogie nights. That's what I'm really interested in. I never saw boogie nights. I haven't either, but it's supposed to be like a fucking great movie. Really?

It's decent, yeah. He's like, when I first thought the movie, thought it would be a good Christian, all-white cast thing, which was good, but I didn't realize it would be that pornographic. I had the right idea. So the cinematographer is fucking Jewish or Arab or something. I apologize. He's blaming it all on them.

You know how those people are. Oh, yeah, you guys are both from Boston there, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, so stop talking about our fucking guy. Yeah. Him and Tom Brady, dude. It's crazy to think Tom Brady would have been on the Patriots at 9-11. Right?

He was already on the Patriots at that point? That's crazy. That year is the year he took over for Bledsoe actually. Really? Yeah, 2001. They won the Super Bowl. It's insane. Yeah, I don't know why I just thought of that.

Neither did I. It's not like Drew Bledso. But that's so long ago. It's not like Drew Bledsoe was in like, you know, one of the towers or something. That would be so convenient. Yeah. Like, sorry. We're going to have to ask you to step in because he died in 9-11.

So you're telling me there's no connection between Tom Brady and 9-11. There has to be. I'd hate to have to root for him if he caused 9-11. It's like, Alan, that guy's not even on the Patriots anymore. Why do you keep rooting for him? I just like him so much. I don't care about 9-11 or what team he plays for anymore. 2,000 people died.

It was a long time ago. Did it for the good of the team. I like keep forgetting that there was a war in Afghanistan. Like, I don't know why it's like snow cones. It's like when I hear about it, I'm like, I forgot that people were doing that still. I didn't even know we were over there until I guess Biden's like we're pulling out. We're over there, baby.

I can't believe we're pulling out. I just know about it from when people like perform comedy over there. Like you'll see like somebody doing a clip. You're like, why are you in Afghanistan doing comedy? USO tour, baby. Yeah, I guess they're still over there.

Well, I guess you have to go like full on clean, which sucks so bad. That's so wild. It's like these people just saw their friends head get blown off. Yeah. You're like, yeah, be very careful. There's some Louis. footage and it's not clean of him

somewhere doing some like military base. There's a story of Dave Attell when they told Dave Atel, I guess before the show they told him he couldn't tell jokes about masturbation. So he goes on stage and he goes So right before I went on stage they told me that I can't talk about masturbation. So I'm going to tell you guys a story

about me fucking a sock filled with shampoo. He's brilliant. That's hilarious. That's my guy. Best ever. Oh, he's great. Have you ever seen him? I saw him one time walking to the stand

with just all of his groceries. And he just like sits him on a table and then just goes on stage and just like annihilates. Which is so funny. He has like his chain wallet, like hanging out of his pocket. So the chain is just like holding it while it dangles

and cards are flopping around. And then he's just like, can I put these here? Like throws him and then just goes on stage. And my favorite is he pulls out the recorder, like the little flute thing. And this guy gets up and leaves, and like, which is, it's a bizarre act to bring out a flute during comedy show.

And he goes, oh, I'm sorry. Have you seen this act before? It's fucking so funny. That's so good. What did he just, like, pick that up over, over quarantine, the recorder? No, well, he did before, too. Really? He randomly brings it out.

It had some fun stuff. That's so fun. I was never a sock guy, though. I never understood that because it feels like my hand would be a better material. to have sex with in a sock. I think he just made it up. No, no, I know, I know. I'm saying, I know.

I wasn't judging Davidel's bit. I was just like, in general people say that. He's been on Earth for, oh, about 60 years. Still hasn't learned how to jack off. I'm just like saying that. I'm like, no,

I like his comedy, but he should really figure something out with that because. It's called a warm canelope, Dave. What are you new? Well, can you imagine getting caught microwaving a cantaloupe? No, no, I'm cooking something.

Really? You're cooking. Microwaving a cantalope with one hole in it to fucking cook something. I remember there was a kid in my high school that that was the rumor that he did that and that was all he'll ever be known as. Dude, I had to come high school with the peanut butter

on his balls, the dog. And that's what everybody had, there's no truth to it. Everybody's like, yeah, I know that's just who he is forever now. Oh, dude. He's also like, he's very talented at like a sport. He's like professional. I don't want to say the sport. She's just going to give it away. But, uh... Say lacrosse. I'll say lacrosse. It was something way cooler than that,

but... They, uh, they spread a rumor about this kid. He got caught fucking a dog. and everyone just believed it. Yeah. Like automatically. I'm almost going to say his name. I mean, how could you not believe it? Yeah.

No, no. My buddy of mine was going to spread the rumor. Really? I was like, is that true? He was like, no, I'm actually the one who spread that. I'm actually one that fucked the dog. I think if I put somebody else to stay out there. Obviously fuck that dog.

It'll take the heat off me. It's the saddest dog ever. People can tell someone fucked him. That's the thing, though, is like, I feel like it depends on the size of the dog, because if you fucked like a regular-sized dog, and it, like, fit correctly? Like, I don't know how traumatized the dog would be,

because they're so dumb. Like, I don't think the dog is going to, like, start doing poetry afterward. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think it's going to affect their life. Start doing open mics. What is that? Yeah, I know, right?

Yeah, yeah. It's not like the dog is going to show up for open mics and tell us what we can and can't say. You know what I'm saying? Fucking feminist dogs. I had a friend who had to go up after somebody who got raped. Not at the show.

but they were doing a poem. It was a poetry. That's a ballsy act. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm actually not scheduled to go on. See that cute little number with a short skirt?

When she goes on, that's what I go on to. The edgiest act you'll ever see. No, it's good, though. My name? Oh, let's just call me Mr. Surprise. I'm not going to tell you my real day. But he had to go up after the girl's, like, crying about how she was raped because there's a poetry, and then they bring comedy.

And obviously, like, the host is trying to be like, all right guys so what a fucking horrendous mix yeah there's I've done a lot of those I used to do this one black room and it was they'd talk about slavery and oppression

all poems they would just let me do comedy at the end I just pop on stage and I'm like hey how's it going folks and stuff yeah I can imagine yeah why did you do that

because the college town I started in there was not a lot of stage time so like you had to kind of do these shudier mics just to get in front of people I see I thought you were doing that in New York City for some reason. I can't find another Mike. That would just be harassed. If I purposely went to Black Poetry

Night and just did like jokes, that would, that would be bad. I did a couple of music open mics. I did a poetry one recently actually like two years ago in Rhode Island. You wrote a poem? No. I mean, you know, I consider my act poetry.

It's just so awkward. Someone goes up there and they do the exact opposite of what you're doing. Then you go up there, you're like, yeah, I'm looking for chuckles now. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough.

I saw a girl do slam poetry about the Wayfair thing. It was so funny. What's Wayfair? There was a conspiracy that Wayfair, this furniture company, was shipping kids in the furniture containers.

Oh. And this girl just had this bedway. It was like immediately disproved like the next day. They're like, no, this was just like one typo. It said like, you know, it said like Kevin or whatever.

And then they accidentally labeled. It was stupid. But the woman's on there. She's like, trapped in boxes, these kids. Oh my God. I can't... Dude, I can't think anything worse than Republican poetry. The deficit.

Trapping us all. What percentage is Boston super liberal or what is it? Boston's super liberal, but there's still enough racism to make it tolerable. I feel like every major city is, right? Yeah, I guess he is. Yeah. Besides, I think Miami's probably... conservative. Boston is a,

San Diego's conservative too. Oh, interesting, I would never guess that. Yeah, like the most beautiful places on earth are conservative. We're all the hot people are.

Yeah, we're all the hot people are hot. Yeah, hot people are hotter. They tend to be a little bit of elitist, hot and rich people. Yeah. I don't understand.

How come, why can't someone just get a job as a bikini model? I don't get it. How hard is it to be an Instagram influencer? Yeah. Maybe take a shower, Mr. Homeless.

Okay. Then you show your perky tits off on a bone, and people just fucking pay you. What are you, stupid? You're begging for money for Pop-Tarts, you fucking idiot. You could be making millions of dollars on OnlyFans. It does sound like a sweet life, though, when you put it that way. Oh, yeah, playing with your coach in front of a fucking smartphone for five minutes,

every three weeks and getting paid $10,000 a month. Oh, yeah. Well, the only fans might be a stretch, but, like, just being hot would be a pretty sweet life. You say that like you don't have an only thing. yeah, while we're here, why don't I plug my only fans? Do it, yeah. I would say if I did porn, I'd probably do the fetish for porn because you get to wear a mask, and then nobody really know who you are, I feel like for the most part.

If you're just wearing a leather mask, like, the whole time, it would suck because, you know, you've got to get, like, kicked in the balls and bang to the strap on. Yeah. I wonder if it pays more. Do you think it would maybe pay more? Probably. No, I think showing your face is a big thing. Do you want to see it?

Yeah, people want to see it. Yeah, people want to have to have, like, an unveiling. Like, don't show it for a while. Yeah. And then, like, spread rumors about who it actually is. So people think you're fucking Bill Gates or someone. Bill Gates does. He's unmasking himself.

He's a tech billionaire. That's all he'll say. Are the homeless different in Boston than New York? Or is it just the same? Less going on the train saying, excuse me, everyone. My name is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I had two of those on the train over here.

One guy came on, did that, and then a lady comes right. after and it's like, you just missed it. Yeah, you can't do the same. And bringing nothing to the table either. Yeah. Like not doing a trick or something. I was thinking of an idea for like a sketch and like the whole idea would be like, excuse me everyone. Hi, my name is Alan Fitzgerald. I'm unemployed. But that's just because they're paying me so much to be unemployed. I was not kicked out. I, you know, like just make it about you. And like,

I look, to be honest, I just like shooting dope into my veins. I am not hungry. I am doing fine. The only reason I'm here is because I can only afford to shoot up when I wake up and when I go to bed. I'd also like to bang some in my arms and run 6 p.m. My parents love me.

They offer me money all the time. I'd say no. I got a wife who supports me. Two great kids. A little bit more dope. Maybe take some Xanax. Right now, the $700 a week I'm getting from the government doesn't allow me to get the really good shit. Live the lifestyle I desire.

Yeah. That's got to suck doing bad heroin. Not like this kind that kills you, but that's got to suck when I feel like you suck dick for it. And then it's like not what you were hoping for. Yeah. First of, yeah. Can you imagine by the way, sucking dick? Like, you're really taking a chance.

like the, you know, because they might not just not give you the crack. Yeah, yeah, that's true. They're going to be like, you can't unsuck my dick. You already sucked it. I got what I wanted. I don't, yeah. I mean, if you were in a position to take it from them, you wouldn't be sucking their dick. So, it's a lot of trust.

Yeah, yeah. You imagine just some guy walks away. You're like, all right. Like, drats. That's fine. Well. Shucks. I probably, you know, I probably don't want to be anywhere near a mirror right now anyway.

still yeah yeah I was we were talking earlier about the weird drug trends did you have any

you guys you guys didn't know each other before comedy right we had a I was talking about our thing

your thing was cough medicine which we did a little bit and then there was K2 which like spice did you guys have some weird trend because we were talking

about how they ferment those cambuchas like they leave them out in the sun for a while yeah what was K2 it was like the spice stuff you smoke

It's like fake weed. Really? Yeah. It was basically like plants and they spray them down with chemicals and then... You get high of it? Yeah, or you have a seizure. Really? One of the two.

Yeah. It was a win-win. Yeah, well, it doesn't show up on a drug test. That's why everybody would like do it. Really? No, we didn't have any of that cool stuff. I feel like I missed out. Yeah.

Like heroin wasn't that big. Coke wasn't big. It was... Those are... Those make sense. But like, weird there wasn't like weird. Strange stuff? No, I don't know that we...

I did our robot trick and decks of tripping and all that stuff. Yeah. Maybe it just wasn't that cool. You guys might have been cooler than me. We were pretty fucking cool. I'm Marshall High, I'll tell you. Seriously, like half my graduating class is dead. We were fucking.

That's cool. Yeah. Badass. Yeah. Fucking dope and shit. You're the biggest success story from your class. No, no. Hopefully I will be.

There's a couple of kids who started hedge funds and shit. You know, those kids that go to math classes. That's all it is. It's not even level one. I'm just like, you know, the kids would go to math. class who show up. The kids who don't just, yeah, kids don't just sit in a special ed chair all fucking day.

Robo tripping all day. Robo tripping sharpening pencils. I got to put the wrong math class one time. It was so funny because it was, I didn't realize that it was like the lowest math class ever. I just showed up to the wrong room, which kind of shows I should have belonged there. Like, if I didn't even know what fucking room I'm in?

You couldn't even tell the numbers on the fucking door. They're like, yeah, you belong here. That's the test to see the belongs. It's just whoever walks in. It'll be good. But it was so funny. It seems a piece of a circular piece of paper and a thick pencil. Are you sure we need this to do geometry?

But it was so funny because I was like 16 and the first day of class is you made a little foldable booklet about what you like doing. And I was like, how was this the first day of like serious math class? And like they gave you crayons and stuff. This is an AP math. Yeah, I was so confused. And this one kid I remember, he's like, this is a picture of me I drew and he's like a stick figure.

And we're like basically, I mean, we're like 16 or 17. And he's like, here's a dollar sign because I'm like making money. And then I was like, all right, this seems like that kid gets it. This guy's fucking rule. Yeah, you're like, I think I'm gonna be,

I'm gonna fit right in here. If you took that, could you get like an A plus plus, you think? Yeah, probably, yeah. But I was also. This is the greatest student we've ever had here. He's genius.

But I was also, because I had ADD, I was considered like a student with disabilities, which, and I have like a bit about it a little bit, but it's so funny because like my disability was just that I had ADD, but I'd go to the extended time center and there'd be kids in like wheelchairs who are like severely disabled. Oh yeah. And then I'm just sitting there like, dude, because I get distracted. Dude, they were not supposed to, but they always cheated for you. Oh, yeah, yeah. Always. Like you never learned anything because you're always asking her.

You're like, hey, Miss Robinson, what's three plus six again? Yeah. And I also didn't. Because sometimes for like big exams, they didn't know. They're just in a room with like 20 disabled kids, so they don't know which kid I was to disability. So they probably didn't think I had ADD. They probably thought maybe I had like something more severe with me.

So they're like, were you taking Adderall in high school? They probably thought I was weird too. I'm just like biting my left. They're like, oh, he must be mentally challenged. I don't know. It's crazy how many people were out Adderall at high school. You were out of too, right? I didn't realize.

I can't believe I'm not like horribly addicted to it. It's like I'm introduced to it as a kid. Yeah, I know. That's how you started. And I have an addictive personality. Like the idea, like the fact that I'm not addicted to Adderall is crazy. Or meth. Poor meth.

I think meth would be the next step. Meth isn't appealing to me at all. No. Dude, I love sleep so much. Like, I don't sleep well, so I really value my sleep. Right, right. Yeah, another reason to stay up wouldn't be. Fuck that shit.

Wouldn't be the best. Heroin, if I'm going to rule my life, it's going to be with alcohol again. Right. until I start throwing up and then it's like, okay, well, that didn't work. Let's shoot some dope for a little bit to give my stomach a break. That's what I'd do. Yeah, that would be, that would be,

you'd want to do the chill drugs. What would be the reason you would, you would want to drink again? Because I'm rich, and I can just go to like a fucking rehab on an island wherever I want. You just do like, what, a one-week bender and then go, and then go. One week?

Yeah. I try to make it a month. A month bender. See, here's the thing. I don't know if I started drinking again. I don't know if I could last two weeks or two years. I don't know. Eventually, I'd be drinking like a gallon of vodka every day.

You might be a different person by this time around. When was the last time you drank? It's going to be four years, June 1st. Four years? Yeah. Is he trying to get you to jump off a wagon? Yeah. I'm trying to think of a reason why he could drink again.

It's crazy because he doesn't drink that much either. He still wants me to get hammered with him. Alan was the best drunk. Of course, yeah. No, I was the worst. But the best at the same time. I mean, you were like a bull in a china shop everywhere you went. Yeah.

Towards the end, I wasn't even funny. That's why I really quit. Yeah. But you couldn't go somewhere and just be like a person in the background. You had to be the fucking drunkest wildest doing me. I have a huge attention whore when I drink. I think I want to be just the amazing. You are when you're sober.

You do stand-up comedy. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. It's not like you're It's not like you're doing behind the scenes work or anything. I'm a puppeteer actually. No one never sees me.

More of a radio guy. But when I hear those laughs, I know it's for me. Have you ever seen a puppet? I haven't seen any puppet comics. No. See some really weird ones. Dude, there used to be a dirty one in Otto and George.

It's fucking great. Really? Someone in, yeah, we need another dirty puppet act. Yeah, yeah. Like someone who knows they're offensive. Like, because Jeff Dunham's the most offensive comic Like in the world. He just doesn't know it.

Yeah, he's awesome Because he's a sociopath. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, dude, he used to have a black guy and it was straight black face. Like, the puppet, it was the most offensive. Oh, they're saying it was a white puppet. He's basically, it's a puppet of him

and then he just puts blackface on. He's like, no, the puppets do it. That would be too clever. Honestly, that would be way too clever for Jeff Donna. He's got a, he's got a retarded puppet. It's like someone with a pencil in their head. He's got, of course, Ahmed the dead terrorist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He has one, dude, the Mexican isn't even a person. It's a chili pepper on a stick. Yeah, I was trying to realize that. He's like sells out arenas, doesn't he? Oh, yeah. He's huge. People in Texas love that shit. Alabama, Mississippi.

He's never been canceled, huh? What does black puppet look like? Oh, not good. It's not respectable. Any shows tonight? We're doing Eastville Who, me and you? Yeah, and what's his name?

Did you sign up? Yeah, I did. Oh, this looks bad. It's just like a pimp. Yeah, it's just a pimp, but a purple suit. Oh, yeah, is this the mentally challenged one? Just has a D on it? Maybe that's, yeah.

Two missed calls. Yeah, I wonder if he updated has acted. Oh, my God. Sweet daddy. Yeah, this one looks pretty bad. I don't think he does that one anymore. Oh, my God. You know how the puppeteers, they drink water when they, that's like the big trick?

Yeah. He's just doing that with like purple soda or something. He's on lean. He's just going like this the whole time back and forth. It's crazy, crazy offensive. Yeah, very popular for super long, too. Yeah. That's what I tell people, though.

I do tell people I do puppets when they ask me to tell them a joke. because they'll be like, oh, you're a comedian's talking about, I do puppets, because then you can't, you don't mean, you just can't. Yeah, you can't. Like, I didn't ring my puppet with me. Yeah, yeah. And look, I'm like, in the eye, like, what, you do puppets? Like, yeah.

Yeah, it's a serious art firm. Don't be a dick about it. Fuck do you know. Yeah. I don't know. I haven't seen, I think those are people you just forget still do comedy, but they're selling out, like, arenas. Yeah, Jeff Donovan is like the richest comedian ever, I think.

Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, Kevin Hart's up there too. I'm gonna be money-wise. I would say I'm, as far as what I've made from comedy, I gotta be in the negative. Oh, I'm definitely still. Just from paying from all these mics. Oh my God, you pay for so much,

especially my first eight months in New York. But now it's finally, I'm getting a point now I'm getting paid decent amount. Not, sorry, $10 a show. Yeah, but the shows are adding up. But you're not having to pay for a show. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

so I'm trying to get somewhat because it just sucks I don't know especially the park mics can be really hard sometimes especially if there's no mic stand I'm like I don't know what divides this from having a conversation

especially the worst is like I'll run a joke by somebody at a park mic and then they've heard it on my podcast I made it a tweet and now they're just seeing me say it without a microphone in front of like three people and why is this? Like nice yeah

no the subway mics is something I can never do yeah did a couple of those those are yeah disaster any of those in the Times Square ones and stuff. It's like... That could be fun, though.

I saw some crazy chick brought like her pet duck, which is cool. Yeah, it's like, it's fun to riff on stuff like that, but then, yeah, it's hard to get actual jokes out.

Yeah. All right, we gotta, we're gonna have to rock and roll. All right, where can they find you guys online? Thank you for coming on, by the way.

No problem. You can follow me at Fuck City, USA. Yeah. Also, I listen to your podcast. Great podcast, by the way. Which one? The goat one?

Oh, that one's done. That was a classic. I know. Should have kept that going. You can always reboot that. Those people aren't going anywhere. A lot of comics listen to it. Yeah, it's a good one.

And the... Yeah, you can listen to old episodes that dude, where's my goat? Yeah, you need Shamm. You need the laugh track in the background. Sean was the key to the whole thing. Chris Kinback on social media.

It's tough to follow up after Allen's as Fuck City. USA. Twitter, Twitter, Instagram. Venmo. Venmo, too, right? My Venmo's at fuck, fucking awesome

Fox City USA dude I'm gonna make like an LLC out of it I know I can't believe Venmo allows that hell yeah they don't give a shit all they care about is money well drugs they get mad people for selling drugs on there I've seen really yeah yeah because like if you have like $10 transactions or $20 transactions from like multiple people every day they start to like really how can they prove that there's a drug do people say drugs in the uh in the caption I have that dude I sold somebody

Adderall one time and they're like thanks for the admon We'll wrap it up there. Thank you guys. Appreciate it. Thanks, dude.