Morning Good - They Hate That We Dance - Episode 42

Episode Date: September 12, 2021

Thanks to Jason and Jake for coming onto the show even after the tragic flooding of NYC. Follow them for more info and check out some of the shows they have going on in NYC.Jason hosts a show every Wednesday called Tall Boyz. Jake is on Instagram @jake_timothy. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. We're here. No, you should. What were you saying? We're here with Jake Timothy, and we're here with Jason David. Four first names. on this spot. I guess five

because of yours also. Good, yeah. Wait, what do you mean? Jason David, Jake Timothy, Michael Good. Good is not a first name. Jesus fucking Christ. Jason David. Jesus fucking Christ is not. Jake Timothy, two more, Michael, so five first names.

Oh, okay, yeah. Fucking so not worth that drawn out. Yeah, my brain's not working. I just got back from work. I'm a little nervous with 9-11 coming up because I work in one of the buildings. I've been scound now. now.

Yeah, but no idea. It's either you work in one world trade or the Pentagon. No, no, no, no. Well, I mean, I'm in Tower 7. Yeah, they rebuilt Tower 7. Well, they did. Did they?

Yeah, that's where I work. You work in the new Tower 7? Yeah. Or do you walk around knocking on walls, being like, nah. Must have been something. Must have been thermite.

Yeah. But it is one of those things that's so funny. I'm like planning. Not, I'm planning, like, what would, if I was to protect myself, I'm not planning anything. But, like, I keep, like,

looking around. I'm like, if I had to jump out of this building. Are there any, like, in my mind I was like, yo, there's probably like a pool nearby I could like make from the four, from the 46th floor, but they wouldn't go for Tower seven again. I don't know. They would go for the Freedom Tower.

Yeah, but like you wore, I don't know, you don't know what would happen. I don't know. It's a scary weekend coming up. I'm doing a lot of shows because I'm getting booked a lot because I'm incredible. Twenty- Anniversary Taliban's back. Yeah. That's just, this is how they celebrate also. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if that's how they're thinking of it. It's like

it's an anniversary. Yeah. probably not they're probably like we got to like I feel like in their mind they're probably like those are like the old those are like the boomers they're like we're not into that whole kind of thing yeah it's like when like guys talk about like just like Big Daddy Kane and stuff you're like there's new rap there's new better rap

yeah exactly we have ISIS now also I would be scared if it was the 25th I think the 25th is more of an anniversary that would scare me more but I'm literally just like looking around my office I'm like okay I could tie electrical cords and then like swing down here like I'm planning all this stuff how high how I'm on 46 floor so I'm dying

If anything happens, I'm dead. Are you a Tower 7 was a demolished person? This is what I am. I think the U.S. government 100% knew about 9-11 and let it happen. And I'm a crazy person, but I think that's what happened. I don't think they did it. I would have been shocked if Michael didn't think that. Yeah, that makes sense.

Face it everything you've ever said. Yeah, I'm a crazy, like, conspiracy theory guy. But yeah, no, I don't know. I think that it was weird, though, because somebody in my office told me, they're like, yeah, you know, they actually found missiles in the river. And they heard it from a reliable source. Oh, they heard it from a reliable source. source, did they? This random

guy? Well, I mean, they work at the building. Okay, yeah. I don't know if it's the same staff. Probably half the staff was gone, because it's probably a new staff. At least some of them have been. Oh, God, we got to get some new employees here. That's going to be.

They come on shaking their head, just like, dude, we're going to have to train so many new people. What kind of vape there? Is it a Delta 8 guy? No, Miley. It's not, there's no weed. It's just a, oh, Miley?

You rip a vape called a Miley? Hey, by the way, hold the mic up higher on your hand. There we go. That's right. I've only done this

five times. I should know by now. You spoke a girl, babe? Yeah, dude. It is turquoise. Honestly, when I started doing this

a couple days ago, and I felt way worse than I did smoking cigarettes. Yeah, yeah. But then I, now I'm so addicted to nicotine that I can't be inside for more than like 20 minutes

without wanting nicotine. That's awesome. Yeah. It's pretty, It's good. It's nice to have, like, a new thing in your life. Nice, yeah, yeah. That's always me.

I'm always, like, shifting from one thing to the other. I bounce back and forth between microdosing atoral, which is just doing atarol. And, um... Taking five milligrams, I don't know. But micro, that's like a term of the specific to psychedelic. Yeah, I know, I know. That's like a dose that you'll get at a pharmacy. A doctor would give you that.

Most wouldn't give you that low. That'd be funny if a doctor is like... I prescribe 10 milligrams. I take half the, like... I should prescribe 20, but I take five. So it's like, you should micro... Your doctor's like, you should... microdose adoral, it's pretty tight.

Prescribing anything that way. Yeah, if you want to feel the full effects, though, take like nine. But if you want to just get like a nice fucking... That's the most adriol you've ever taken. And one day, probably like 100 milligrams, which is like a lot. So, like, I think it's probably like...

In high school or college, it's probably the most because I would take 30 for an example. Probably not even 100. That's a lot. I would take... I was prescribed like 25 or 30 milligrams, and then... I probably like 50 milligrams of Adderall, which is like, you throw up because you're like so stimulated on anepidamines. You can't get any food in your stomach and you do very well on the ACTs.

I would take, I would take like two or three, 30 extended release capsules, stay up for, oh, that's way more than me. 24 hours and then take another two and stay up for like another full day. Did you at least get anything done? Why? No. Because I'm a drug addict. The most I've ever Is I was

When I was in like sophomore year or something I was prescribed by Vance And she gave The doctor gave me like 20 She was like you should take 40 milligrams But we don't have 40 milligram pills I'm gonna prescribe you 20s

Like a double Like two months worth And you just take two Yeah And so then when I re-ups the prescription They just gave me 40 milligram pills But didn't tell me Oh should you take a two

I was taking like 80 a day for like a month Yeah You seem like you're permanently on He has very Adderall personality in the sense it's just Are you serious right now? Yeah yeah Adderall, dude, I don't think Adderall really makes No, I would say you're like

The complete opposite of- Like taking like small amounts of Xanax No, Adderall though it makes you Calm in a way But it's like a different kind of calm I would take it and I would like feel Just like particularly what it took like a ton Like physical bliss just like feel amazing Oh I never liked I loved it

But then when people would like talk to me I'd be like very irritable Because you think you're smarter than everybody I would be like you guys are fucking 80% It's just organizing all your thoughts. So you have that calmness of like my head isn't full of like nonsense right now. Yeah. I'm going to

play civilization for the next 19 hours. People would be like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm working. You make memes on Adderall? I made memes on Adderall. For like six hours? Oh my god. This caption is off-sending. I was, it was crazy. I was like I'm going to do this for a living. I'm

meme is my purpose and then I stopped taking it. I'm like, I don't want to fucking... I'm like looking at the memes. These are just, I'm just saying what's in the picture. Man at Tiananmen Square. Bottom. Man at Tiananmen Square. Yeah, it's great. You could, like, if you took it forever, you could have a whole person. I think, I think my childhood, I had two personalities, because during the day, I'd be on aggressive Adderall, and then it was totally stripping from her personality,

be one guy. And then you take it, and then on the weekends, I'm like, wah! Vibance is like half the amount of Adderall, though. It's like, you'd have to take, I think 40 milligrams of V Vance, it's even less than that. It's like 10 milligrams of Adderall. yeah so we took more than you yeah we're cool yeah yeah so my story doesn't get anything is somebody calling you not me

that's probably like my mom or something yeah no I couldn't do any work though I was like focused on whatever the oh I failed a bunch of classes yeah it didn't I never went to class I was like I'm too busy working and I just feel like literally like writing manifestos

like I don't even know what I was doing I got really good at like doodling I really like I would just draw like animals and stuff Are you good at drawing? Not anymore. I was really good when I was taking amphetamines.

Were you? Or is it just like, if you look at it now, you're just like scrawl, like ripping through the paper with your pen? Well, because I would draw like

the same thing, you know, 200 times. And then the last one would be like, that's pretty good. Did you ever draw any, what's like the worst thing? I remember one time in college,

I drew a picture of me shooting William Shakespeare. And then I forgot because I was in Shakespeare now. I'm, I like that I'm in college and I'm still like, fucking try to be like an edgy teenager.

I'm like, yeah, fuck Shakespeare, bro. But then I realized that my professor looked exactly like William Shakespeare, and it was a horrible look. Oh, everybody saw the picture. It looked like, I'm trying to do my professor. I drew, I drew like a bunch of swastikas on a test once because I didn't know what it was. I was like an elementary school and I finished the test. What if it was like, 11th grade?

Your teacher's like, you passed. Come hang out with me. I finished this test and I was like early, so I just drew the last thing I saw, which was that, like, it's a cool looking symbol. We were talking about that. very cool. We were talking about that last night. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I was just fucking, I drew it all of the test. And then after the, she would grade at the, but teach grade the test, she's like, you should have your parents sign this one. Yeah. And I was like, oh. They come back with more swastikas on it.

That's my mom's signature. Yeah. I was like, are we doing this? Like, as a class now? She's like, no, you do it. I thought it was a cursive tea. That's what that was. You're just walking out. You're like, man, that Mrs. Goldstein is such a bitch. I was, uh, we, yeah, last night we saw uswazoo. This guy came by the pair. Were you there? This guy walks by, he has this, like, cloak on, and he's just, he had like a bent pipe, and he's just dragging it across the ground. And we're like, okay, Mr. fucking trying to scare people. And then he just draws the swastika and this, like, carved it in.

And I had to stop him and be like, you're drawing it the wrong way. It's back for it, you do. No one who draws swastikas knows what direction they go. Excuse me, yeah, yeah, no, it was crazy. I was actually kind of, like, worried that he was, because I saw him hit a sign, hit something later. I was like, did he just, like, attack him in a minority? It was very intense. Yeah, he's a scary guy, for sure.

Yeah. We're all just like, Eli, our friend Eli was like, you know, it's easy to say because we're like, oh, we're not scared. Because we're like, oh, because there's six of us and one of him. But if he just smashed one of us in the face with like a pipe, it wouldn't like help that one guy that there were five others. Yeah, it would be fucking. Just like, give my teeth knocked up. be like, you're fucking idiot. There's six of us.

Yeah, that's very true. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was such an eventful night, though, because then a woman's fucking hair caught on fire during my set. You heard about that, right? Yeah, yeah, like fully her head went up. It wasn't like a movie where it was like home alone

where it's like a fire on top of her head. And then like a paint can swung down. Got you bitch. Ha, ha, it's new bit. I set that up Comedy shows her for kids only Yeah Yeah, it's like

Yeah, it's like knocks her unconscious And there's like silence In the room for a second And you're like, She tried to make me do homework Yeah No, it was like

I was so annoying Because I got my first joke did okay And then I'm going into my second joke And I thought she was like On like meth or something Because I see her just freaking out. And I see her hair smoking. And then, yeah, she was on fire. And it was so hard to riff on.

I was telling him, I was so pissed. I was like, in my mind, I'm like, dude, you got to think of something fucking hilarious to say. And just nothing was coming out. I was telling Jake, you're such a fucking sick narcissist that you weren't. Like, hey, are you okay? You were like, something funny. Something funny. And I did it. First thing, I asked, she was okay. And then once I saw there wasn't any smoke coming out, I just like jokingly tried to do crowdwork with people while she was like putting her hair. I was like, where are you guys from now? I'm just kidding. and we should probably figure this out.

You just do like old, like Johnny Carson drinks, be like, oh, it looks like someone's protesting the Vietnam War. Yeah, there was really, I was so pissed that I catch-off video because that's the craziest thing is how it would be on stage. But that's why it's so important to do so many sets because you're like, oh, yeah, this will all, I'm not trying to talk about comedy too much on this, but it's like, you're like, oh, every set will,

you'll learn something news next time. I doubt that's ever going to happen again. I don't know anybody that's happened to ever. It would be funny if, like, another person's hair cut on fire. still had nothing. You were just like, don't worry, guys, I got this,

and then just said jokes. Everyone was like, oh, he's like, no, no, no, calm down. I'm doing much better than I did last time.

Fucking nailed it. Oh, my God. Yeah, did you guys do anything for Labor Day? I hosted Eli's show. That sounds exciting.

Yeah, it was a great show, too. I mean, that day it was like, did anybody's hair catch on fire? No. Sounds pretty gay. Yeah.

Every show that that didn't happen. You said it was a good show, though? It was awesome, yeah. There's so many people there because it was Labor Day. Yeah. It's probably like 60 people or something. Oh, shit.

Yeah, it was sweet. Well, I think Labor Day, it doesn't make sense. It's on a Monday. They should have Labor Day and Memorial Day on like a Friday. So you have that Friday because it's like, oh, great. It's like basically, yeah, you can drink on Sunday, but it's like I'd rather have it on Friday because I know it's about like celebrating the troops. And Labor Day is about celebrating being employed, right?

That's what it is. It's like about labor unions? Yeah, just celebrating. Well, it's work for a thing. work for a living. Yeah, yeah. So if you're unemployed, don't fucking do this.

It's kind of a sick joke that unemployment ended on Labor Day. Yeah. It's back to work. But my thing is, it's not permanent, right? Like, the unemployment thing, it's like,

you still get $500 a week, right? No, you have to reapply you have to refile a claim now and you have to, like, actually prove your eligibility. Which, by the way, I mean, I'm sure there are some people who,

but like, I've just been not looking for a job and collecting money because it's been available to me. So definitely, they're kicking off some people, who deserve to be kicked off. When I got, what's it called pandemic unemployment at first?

Because I was only unemployment for like three or four months-ish because, like, I mean, I didn't have a choice. Fucking, Michael was like so scared that one, just ask his boss to fire him and two, just quit his job because he was like, you need to like be fired to collect unemployment. And I was like, dude, it's a fucking pandemic.

They're not asking questions. Just leave and then fucking collect your free money. Yeah, but I didn't end up doing that. I just didn't work for a week and a half and now I got a new job. So, yeah. But what was I saying? Yeah, I remember when I first got it though, like when the lockdown happened, I was like, oh, I got to apply in all these jobs so they see that I'm looking for work. And I literally just applied for like CEO jobs, like stuff that I couldn't get so that I could still keep getting unemployment.

But then I realized they're not checking. It was so, but I literally did like physical labor for somebody and they've emmoed me and they put work. I'm like, dude, don't fucking put that. I was like, dude, they're going to fucking buy it. The federal government that's handing out money to millions of people is going to see this. I'm such a fucking idiot when it comes to all that stuff. Like I sold Adderall and mom. only for like a month. And then I was like, immediately I was like, dude, they're fucking on to me. It's like none of this.

The government's not looking for me. Yeah. No, they don't get to fuck. If anything, now they are now that I work in the World Trade Center. That's the only thing that would have put me on any. Yeah, true. Do you watch that thing, that documentary about 9-11? No.

It's really good on Netflix. Who's in it? The people that were fucking there. Oh. Is it about like all the stuff that's right up to it? Yeah. Jesse Ventura made this documentary. If I don't hear John Stewart apologizing to the families,

then I don't want to watch it. No, it's about, like, what led up to it, and then what, like, the aftermath, like the war in the Middle East and stuff. It's pretty interesting. Oh, that sounds pretty interesting. It's just, I remember, like, as a kid, just seeing all the news and, like, vaguely understanding what's going on,

and then this kind of, like, explained it. Just explained the last, like, 25 years pretty succinctly. Okay. What was interesting about the way it was sort of popularly explained is that like, they fucking, they just hate our freedom and shit.

And it's like, it's like, oh, there were like specific, like, geopolitical causes. There was even, like a list of like,

we don't like that you did this, we don't like that you did this. We don't like that you did this. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, because you hate that we dance, right?

Yeah. Dude, it's not, I told you when I went to, not to care, I told you when I went to the Freedom Tower like the first time, there was like,

a kid that asked his dad. He's like, why did they do this? And the dad literally just said, because they hate America. And they just walked away. And I was like, well, they did, but it's more complicated. They fucking, I was stranded in, like, the bottom of Manhattan for that hurricane. Yeah. I went down to see a friend down there, and then that, like, Hurricane

Ida hit. Yeah. All the subways weren't running. I was, like, just walking around for a couple hours. And we went, like, me and my friends that I was with, we just went to the 9-11 memorial. Yeah. I'd never been there. Yeah. And we were, like, walking around, looking at it. And then we were, like, hanging out with all the people that were stranded from the trains.

And even though there's like a hurricane going on because we're there, they're all going like, oh, 9-11, right? That was crazy. Speaking of sad things. Yeah. I went to the Rockaways for Labor Day. Oh, nice.

It's pretty tight. Never been. Have you been? Rockaway Beach? You sound stressed out by every question. Yeah, why is that? Is that upsetting you? No, it's good.

You know, just. What's the... You got something to say? No, no, no. You should check out the... You got some shit to talk about me? Because I have... Yeah, no. Just go, go do your thing.

Yeah, set up the joke and deliver it. I've just... He asked the question. There was a lull in the conversation. I did a thing that I enjoyed. I'm sorry, it's not entertaining enough for you. God.

No, I never... I wanted to go, though. I bought beach chairs and just never went to the beach. I've just kept been going to Florida beaches since I bought the beach chairs because I'm like, eh. Because it's like, I always do shows on Sundays. And I'm like, there's not enough time to go to the beach. and come back.

Oh, did you talk about, did you talk in the pot about how he took a bus to Philadelphia to fly to Florida? Oh, yeah, yeah. Let me explain the whole week. It's so what happened was, uh,

whatever, Wednesday night, a bunch of comedy clubs got flooded, which was awesome because all those people came to our comedy club and it was a great show Wednesday night. I had to fucking walk a mile

during that storm, which is horrible. A bunch of people's houses got flooded and stuff, right? I saw a, Dan's apartment got fucking flooded. Lots of water. Not a lot funny stuff to say about that. Yeah, that's excellent.

Yeah, but And then the next morning, I wake up And my girlfriend's like, she's like, fuck, our planes canceled. And I was like, shit. And then I was like, all right, let's fly out of Philly. And then we'll take a train to Philly. And then we did that. And then I woke up an hour later because we slept in.

And then I woke up an hour later. She goes, fuck, our train got canceled. And it was so funny because the day before I was talking to a conspiracy theorist friend of mine. And he's like, yo, you think you could get out of New York City if you had to in a moment's notice. You can just say a friend of years. I would be like surprised if you had a friend who wasn't a conspiracy. Yeah. But he's like, you think you leave New York if you really wanted to?

And I was like, in like the last minute, I was like, yeah, easily. And then I saw how hard it is to leave. And it was fucking, we had to take like a flex bus. And even then, like, I was getting nervous. I was like, I wasn't going to believe it until we got to the beach of Florida. And we did. And it was fucking awesome. By the way, Michael was sending messages to the group chat about like,

fucking plane got canceled. Got to go to Philly. Fucking train got canceled. Got to take a bus to Philly to fly down there. And I was like, did like your aunt die or something? Like, why is I'm trying to get a drug on a beach. Dude, I'm trying to fucking... I'm going to Panama City with the boys, dude.

Yeah, we went to St. Pete, which was... This place called the Postcard Inn. It literally was, like, just for partying. Like, I didn't realize my girlfriend booked this resort, and it was, like, literally, like, just people... You can go there during the day. I didn't realize this. It's like, imagine if you, literally, after work,

could just be like, oh, you want to go to the beach bar right over there that has a fucking pool? Like, I saw my one of my friends there. He's like, yeah, I was with my boss. And he said, you're either work until 7 or you're going to come drink with me at the postcard in. And I took that option. I'm like, did you just have a bathing suit at work?

I forgot how absurd fucking Florida is. Honestly, he for sure works at a beach-related business. He definitely wore that to work. Oh, no, he's like an accounting. That's awesome. Yeah, dude, he's just drink it. He's like, my boss and I had a drink with it. And I'm like, that's so cool.

It's the best state in the fucking world. He's wearing like a button-up, like, shirt and tie. Yeah. He's like, you gotta come to the beach. All right, just scoots out and has a bathing suit on. Flip-flops. I picture I'm having like

at waste level in the pool but like they're still having like a business meeting with like you meet the clients but they're all wait yeah

and just like they all like look slubby when they're wearing the suits but then when they take them off they're all just like shredded with like fucking tribal tets and pay as fuck

oh yeah yeah no a lot of Guido's a lot of Chet Hanks in Florida there's a lot of people that were just Chet Hanks running around

yeah with a bunch just smoking hot girls just like some like tweeted up like you're tweeted up tat it up just like semi-retarded guys that are like, y'all dude, make the fucking bitch. And I'm like, you don't, you barely speak English.

Not because you're foreign, but because you don't. Because you're a fucking moron. Yeah, exactly. Because he doesn't, he doesn't have to learn. He looks like that. He's just like, pounded in like, Primo Beach lady. She just hops on his dick and he's like, oh. He just capped out at whatever knowledge level he was at when he first started

fucking, like, Florida tens. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. This, I saw so many of those. Just some guy like shirtless in the gas station, just like, yo, my girls taking a dump in there. And then, like, just so, like, smoking hot girl comes out of the 7-11 bathroom. Just a guy who's in, like, such a good, he just breaks up.

Every, every first time a girl poops in front of him, he's like, what done. No fucking way, dude. On to the next one. It's so funny that people are from Florida, but I just give all douchebags, like, a jersey accent. But that's not how he, yeah, you get it. He just wasn't, yeah. But they always just riding on, like, a fucking moped. Just mopeds everywhere in no shoes.

Mopeds. Yeah. Yeah. They all turn into, like, just. like old washed out beach drunks. Oh, yeah, yeah. Everyone in Florida just, like, has to ride a bike by age 45. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No more driver's licenses. No, I'll say this a thousand times to say thousands. That's more. You want to become, like, the Florida pirate guy. You got, like, gold chains. You got, like, a fishing shirt. You're so tan, like, so fucking tan, and you're bleeding out of somewhere.

You have a band-aid on it, but it's not doing anything. Like, you're bleeding. You got a bunch of rains. Your blood doesn't clot anymore. No, your eyes are just fucking yellow. and you buy kids alcohol It's fucking You like buy kids alcohol

But they're like thanks mister You're like hey you might Get a couple of those with you I guess I would guess Florida just has the highest divorce rate I'm just I've no idea Any statistic behind that

I'm just guessing It's a lot of worse It definitely is the highest rate of people Who got divorced in another state Yes Yeah yeah Definitely yeah the most people with like Families that they don't have

regular contact with somewhere in the Midwest Yeah It's just people who, like, lived respectable lives until the point. And they were like, I just want to be a fucking degenerate. Yeah, exactly. Where do I go? Yeah, I had that joke about that because everybody was talking about, like, how, like, COVID cases are, like, spiking in Florida and they're like, old people are going to die.

I'm like, that's why old people move to Florida. Like, you don't move there to get your shit together. You move there to fuck off. Also, all of Florida, it's like, there's, like, Miami, like, in South Florida. And then there's just, like, all these places where, like, people were, like, headed to Miami, but then they were like, fucking, it's close enough. There's me. That's so true.

I'm a Jupiter, it's like. Jupiter, Florida. Yeah, yeah, that's very true. Just like, I like, I like to think they were trying to go to Miami and somebody's like, dude, I'm just leaving my grandma here. We're fucking putting her here. I'm not.

It's called Hollywood, grandma. Yeah. That's fucking Eli and I, when we were in Tampa, we were like, there's so many, like, Irish people that moved down here. Yeah, yeah. The sun is just murdering them. Oh, true. Just fucking destroying their skin.

Ever told her. Just fucking pink Irish, freckled Irish people walking around all the time. Oh, yeah. People have no business being in the sun. Oh, dude. People who lift up their sunglasses and just like white eyes. Dude, it's so crazy. Like, what happens there?

It's so funny because, like, I didn't know skin cancer was a serious thing because I know so many people have gotten skin cancer. Like, everybody I know from Florida is like, oh, yeah, my mom just got skin cancer removed. Like, this, this and that. It's like, that's just what you... You can just cut it right off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But some people are like, the person died of... I know Bob Marley died of skin cancer or melanoma.

He got... He wouldn't get it treated. Yeah, but if it doesn't get treated, it could spread. That's the real thing. But you can normally just get it cut out. Yeah. But he would, it was like a Rossifariate thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My favorite is... To have the body be whole when you die. So he couldn't get it ampute... He didn't want to get it amputated. And he also just, like, didn't... What happens if you lose the tooth? Do you gotta fucking glue it back to your stupid head? I think God understands stuff like that.

I don't believe... I don't believe you have to respect other cultures. Some of them, I'm like... That's how, like, we evolved. It's like, we were doing some dumb shit, and the Native Americans are like, that's stupid. Don't fucking wear buckles on your head and farm like this. Do this.

And then that's how you learn. yeah I don't know I think it's something stupid that's stupid that's how they teach history in Florida like we showed up

the fucking Indians were doing all this dumb shit we were like it's called corn not maze idiots yeah but then it goes the other way around

like Indians thought fucking were doing dumb shit but then the Europeans were like go inside yeah what are you doing

that is very true um yeah but going downtown St. Pete was actually fun of shit I didn't realize how fun downtown

They had this bar. They had a Vietnam-themed bar. Not like a Vietnam War-themed bar called Little Saigon. It had some, like, hot Asian cartoon. And then there's just, like, bombshells, grenades on the walls and stuff like that. And I'm like, this is kind of awesome, but I really wonder if any Vietnam veterans just walked in there and just had a full panic attack. Because Florida is from the Vietnam vets who were like, yo, Vietnam was tight. Yeah, the guys were like, Vietnam was the best part of my life.

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. That was sick. I was just fucking doing heroin and banging 13-year-olds. beautiful time. I was fucking in in like Saigonjack on McDougal. There was one day I went in there when they were having their like COVID thing like you couldn't go

all the way in you just ordered and went out their like countertop for ordering food had just like a bunch of American GI helmets on it. Just like yeah but everyone in here is Vietnamese. Yeah yeah. It's like you might as well have just bones. I would love if like a middle age man just try to like bang the waitress like he thinks

they're all hookers or something like that. Saigon shabash. Wow, you put it right on the sign, huh? Me and my platoon. Could I get the... Could I get the paté? Just, like, sliding a $100. Yeah, across the table.

It's like, you know, a Spike Lee movie Defive Bloods. Pretty good. No. No, I haven't seen it. Yeah. You know, like those four guys would go to, like, find treasure they left in Vietnam many years later. Yeah, it sounds like a sweet plot. Yeah, it's a good movie.

Yeah, they just, they walk into Saigon Shack doing that. But, um, no, it was a fucking blast, man. I had such a good time in Florida. And just being baked in the side. I will admit, it does drain you a lot. And I still don't think I can ever drink the way I used to. I think I could do one day of heavy drinking. Yeah, you keep saying that.

But then you keep being like, yeah, you know, I did another day of heavy drinking. And I really don't think I could do it as regularly as I did. I'm going to do it tomorrow and I did it yesterday. But really, it takes a lot out of it. Yeah, yeah. Over the hangovers. Horrible. I do decide this when I get rich.

I'm going to do the IVs just all the time, vitamins, ID. Because I love getting drunk. It's very fun. Yeah. And I'm at a point now where I don't do anything stupid. Like I don't really black out. Like I know how much I drink to like have a good time. Like I literally have like a set amount.

And I haven't like literally since my brother's, or I'm not going to say what happened. But since, uh, since I had like some issues, like I've been able to drink. Michael killed a kid with his car. You can go ahead. Well, I didn't kill him. The impact. The impact. Yeah.

Yeah, it wasn't intentional. the Adrian Peterson defense of your car Who's that? Who's that? I don't know why I was thinking at Jordan. Adrian Peterson, the football player?

Yeah. Who, like, hit his kid with a stick. Yeah, yeah, but didn't, it wasn't his defense.

His lawyers were like, it wasn't Adrian Peterson that killed him. It was the kids injuries. He died of complications. No, no, no,

no, no, I think we're mixing up stories. So, some guy did kill his family with a gun, right? Wasn't there a football player

that did that? I'm like, let me, tell me check this. Adrian Peterson just beat his kid on the side of the road. And I'm pretty sure he hit the kid's ball sack with like a stick. But he's like, I was trying to hit his ass, but his balls were just hanging there. That's a good defense.

I was talking to someone about this recently, and they just told me this story. And they said Adrian Peterson? Are you sure they didn't mean Adrian Brody or Jordan Peterson? Jordan Peel. It was, yeah, a football player, like, he beat his son and his son died. Oh. And they're like, all right, four week suspension. Jerry Jones being like, you have to let him out every couple weeks to play football.

Yeah. I mean, it makes sense. Michael doesn't... I don't follow football. I try... You don't have to follow football at all to, like, follow up that joke. That's so basic what I just said. I just try to play a lot.

Dude, would people try to have sports conversation with me? I try so fucking... I'm like, God damn it. Why are they bringing this up? And I'm like, yeah, man, we're doing... I also don't watch football. Yeah, yeah. But you...

I don't know anything about it. I played it in middle school. dude, I was so fucking bad at football. I got like, I literally joined the middle school football team because I thought I would get pussy doing it. I thought it was just like immediate. I literally thought it like you get pads and then they're just the end of the hallway. You're just getting dumb.

But I, um... He's like, like, third grade. Yeah, I'm like, oh, this is fucking... My apologies to Adrian Peterson. Who killed their son? Well, I didn't know. I just looked at. I went on an Adrian Peterson's Wikipedia page to see if I was right or wrong.

Yeah, they would have mentioned that. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, man. What if it's just like, you know how they have like the sub pages? It's like Adrian Peterson, like early life, career, personal life. What if it was just like, that was just like under legal issues? Yeah. Like his own thing.

It's like, DUI in 2011, killed his son in 2013, uh, drug possession in 2019. It's like, hold up, hold up, hold up. Killed his son. Yeah, what is? I went on Rick James Wikipedia page yesterday. You know, that's a shit he did? He's crazy. He's fucking bananas.

He tortured a lady, right? Yeah. For like four days. Yeah, he's crazy person. Really? You know, yeah. Him and his, like, girlfriend at the time where, like, they were, like, smoke and crack.

Or they were, like, of course. Free Basin crack or something. And they, they had kidnapped a lady and just tortured her for four days while they were, for no reason? To do with drugs, I have no idea. I forget that. I mean, like, for crack reasons.

It wouldn't be something that you were like, oh, of course. It's like, she stole my mouse. It's like, oh, well, yeah. I mean, she stole his mouse. That's, that is crazy. I think Sean Penn beat the shit out of Madonna. tied her to a chair and then went out

and like drinking and then came back and like kept hitting her or something. Oh, now you won't shut the fuck up. He's the biggest lecture ever now. Sean Penn. Isn't he the one that's like, guys, you got to do all this stuff? Is that one true? I don't know. Everybody was, by the way, allegedly.

Yeah, that also wouldn't ruin anything. I wouldn't be like, oh, Sean Penn. Famous, nice guy, Sean Penn. Well, isn't he the one that's like constantly lecturing people on politics? Like, every day he's like. I think at one point he was like that, but I think he's pretty, I think he's pretty much pickled himself now. I don't think he really, uh, participates.

I hope that's so funny. I'm like, dude, you're a, those people that are like, I'm like, no, you are celebrities. I think everybody just stuck for a while. But you love, like, I feel like you love Republican celebrities. I really don't. I don't know, you think of a Republican just because my COVID stances. Uh, yeah, there's like a weird. In my opinion on guns and immigrants.

I'm just kidding. No, I'm weird. I'm pretty pro-gun. Um, I'm just going to clear it up now. I never talk about politics. Pretty pro-gun. Pretty pro-immigrant. Pretty pro abortion.

Fucking, give guns. do the immigrants. Pretty poor drugs. Right? Pretty much just drugs, guns, and hookers. That's your platform? Yeah.

Madonna said that. It wasn't true. In 2015, she was like, the allegations were outrageous, malicious, reckless, and false. Okay. Did she say the accusations?

What? Did she say the allegations? Yeah, she is. She has altered. Or she filed assault charges against him back in like the 80s. And then it was like, nah. Yeah, then later was like,

yeah. Just like, that's what 30 years we'll do. just like writes it all. It's like, yeah, it's all true, but I don't know. Wasn't that big a deal. That's, yeah, I'm not going to get into a men's thing right now about fucking,

yeah, they lie sometimes about it. Yeah, look at her. Madonna. That's such a, it's so annoying when people have that. Like, yeah, people lie, but people have a fucking everything. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes women are lying, but yeah, but that is a crime that happens.

Yeah, exactly. What's the fucking argument here? I think nobody's been raped, really. It's all a conspiracy theory to keep the man down. People are like, you'll see like a post. It's like, woman goes to jail for like saying a guy raped her, but it turned out she didn't. And people are like, see, it does happen.

It's like, she's going to prison. Yeah. What are you upset about? Yeah, yeah, it's a weird thing. As I always say, don't rape. It's disrespectful to those out there are earning pussy. It's stolen valid. It's like pretending to be a cop, you know.

The most prestigious job in America right up. This might be an out of left field take on this, but just stop it at the source. Don't rape to begin with. Don't rape because. It's disrespectful to people that work. Hey, guys, let's not rape for a year, and then there will only be liars. Oh, my God. Yeah.

People are going to take jokes. I don't know. I don't have stances. This is the part of my head I'm like, oh gosh, I have a listener Who's gonna care about? You have a ton of stances. You have nothing but stances.

You got takes on everything, dude. Yeah, well, that was an actual take, by the way. I do think rape is bad. Yeah. What stances do I have? Yeah, I don't like saying it on the podcast, my, like, political views.

You got a lot of ideas. I don't, I wouldn't even say they're political views. You got a, you got motifs. That's what you got. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Do you have anything specific

about Tower 7? Have you seen like the videos? No, no, I don't know anything about that. An interesting conspiracy theory I just heard, though, is that O.J. Simpson His son is the one that murdered. Yeah, yeah, I heard that. Somebody said that, yeah. Because he retained a lawyer for some unknown third party.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think OJ probably killed her because he'd beaten the shit out of her a bunch of times. Yeah, yeah, kind of confessed to killing her and then were dragging. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. We always forget when people do that. It's so funny, the celebrity thing.

Like, Mike Tyson, like, beat the shit out of, like, five hookers and then, like, raped a shit. Was it allegedly, or? Yeah. I mean, he was convicted. But he still says he didn't. I didn't do that. But I deserve the sort of prison time because I have done a ton of other horrible things. Yeah, because I know he beat up like a bunch of hookers while he was like on speedballing.

Yeah. But then he's like on like a lemonade commercial and he's like, hey, guys, how have it going? We're like, Mike, Mike, get over here, Mike. Dude, one time. But also if you went to jail, like I'm also, I do. He did. He was reformed. Yeah, yeah.

No, I believe that too. I believe if you go to jail, you could change. But what do we do the people that get canceled? Like, do we just, can they get out of it by going to jail? You can just not care. It's true. It's so funny that... I remember my friend,

this isn't even a cancel thing, but, like, there was a thing where like, Jada Pinkett Smith was, like, telling Will Smith about how she, like, had an affair or something. And, like, Will Smith,

it was like a video. And then my friend was like, can you believe this? And I was like, these are two strangers. Like, why would I... I don't think it's representative of anything.

What do you... Like, I don't... Who gives a fucking? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would like to, like, networks when, like, a show gets canceled, and just act,

Like, I think that's why it got canceled, canceled. I'm like, oh, really? The Jetsons is too inappropriate. That's why you guys fucking canceled them. Just calling up Hannah Barbera? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This PC culture took away the Jetsons.

That's not what they meant by canceled. You ever watch Ren and Stimpy? No. You never watched Ren and Stimpy? No. I got diseases. You should watch the old Ren and Stumpi. Have you ever seen Rennep?

I've, like, bits and pieces. I never watched it. I mean, I might have, but like my whole... The cartoons I would. watch it just like a fever dream in my memory. It creeps me. Some of them creep me out. Like I'll try watching old Batman and it's like a weird kind of, it gives me

a weird, nostalgic stuff kind of creeps me out. I got, I get weird with like kid stuff. I don't know. Because you were molested. I don't think so, but I have such weird stuff going on my life. I'm like, maybe. He's just like watching our dude. He's like, I was molested to this show. I was molested to this show. Was I

always being molested? You're like, maybe I was just rubbing my own dick watching all these shows. Yeah. Oh, you know, I have big hands and I misremembered. No, I think I was fine. I think I had a good childhood.

But when I watch like a pointy couch that you kept saying. I, yeah, but I don't know. I watched like old Batman cartoons. I'm like, yeah, I don't know. It gives me a weird vibe. I don't know. Yeah, because they're for children. You're a grown man.

I think that's what is. I have this weird stuff with like kid stuff. And I'm like, it creeps me out. I'm like, eh, something's up with this. But Batman's like, Batman gives me less of that because I'm like, oh, there is crime going on. Like, it is, like, more adult-like, in a sense. Yeah, but the crime is like...

Like, I shot the security guard with, like, a sleeper dart. It's like... You know, there's really serious crimes. Like, he sold all the laughing serum from the laboratory. Just, you know, real serious crimes going on of that show.

And I'm just like a kid. I'm like, the Joker should pay for this. I'm like, so angry. Oh, dude. Can I just say something about that 9-11 documentary? Yeah. There's, in one of the later episodes,

they're just talking about, like, the aftermath, like the war in Afghanistan and, like, how the government reacted to it or what they were doing. Like, like, Guantanamo Bay, there's a whole episode about Guantanamo Bay and, like, the torture that went on there and how it was pretty controversial at the time and stuff. I think it was just horrific.

I don't know. People say controversial a lot, like, like, what's his name? I remember Chris Brown was like, my controversial past. I'm like, no, you beat the shit out of here. Stop it. We, like, tortured U.S. citizens.

It's actually the opposite of controversial. It's very cut and dry. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Controversial could That applies to the torture at Guantanamo Bay because there are two sides of that. There are a lot of people who are like

it was fine what we did. With the Chris Brown thing, it's like no one is on your side, dude. Oh, I disagree. I could find some middle-aged men and they're like, fucking, well, what did she say? Yeah.

I guess. But fucking, there's a scene in that where there's a dude in the Bush administration who's talking about the torture and he's like saying how it was like pretty tame. And they showed a lot of strain. He's like, we could only do these things.

And there's a list of like seven things they were allowed to do. And they show it as he's talking and he's like listing each of them and saying like why it's okay. Like waterboarding, explaining how it's not like that bad of the thing, whatever, or like sleep deprivation. Like this is why this is okay. And he goes, there are about seven

things. And he goes through like one through six. And then the seventh one just says locked in a box with insects. And he just doesn't say anything. He just doesn't address it Dude the other one Rectal Rehydration Was another one

Where they're just like They're like Oh you dehydrated Let's uh Blast your insides with water It's pretty well It's like Like just like

Like one guy was doing He's like yo Wouldn't that be so fucking crazy If we fucked them With water It was a We're trying to get Information out of them

Okay Yeah dude Let's suck their dicks Really hard Yeah It is a Well that was a thing And a

Where were you on? Not a one Two things There are pictures from Abu Grabe where they were like putting people in like naked pyramids and you were like of all the tortures like well yeah that guy was just having fun that day

they're just hazing like a fraternity do the elephant walk but the other thing was for like the longest time there was this thing of a just like oh yeah but they got valuable intel and then there's a really long Senate report that came out and basically said they got no

valuable intel and then there were still people who were like yeah but still do it anyway Yeah, just whatever Well, that was like the nut shit It was so funny I remember in like

High school people were about that It was such a weird thing That like liberal and Republican people Were like So many people were just on board With all of that stuff And they were like Yeah, no, it's the terrorist

I'm like, I hate people And justify the means kind of thing Like you don't realize how horrible This is that like US citizens Literally were taken there Some And not tried And like that is so like

Yeah but it's this situation I'm like no I would be more respectful of it If people were like I would it would be more intellectually honest if people were like, yeah, but I don't care

because they were terrorists. But they have to like build these sort of like logical arguments around where they're like, yeah, but you know, there's like imminent threats and all this stuff. Yeah,

they got to do it in lawyer speak. Yeah, they got to do it in lawyer. Which always just sounds so shady. I don't care because they're, they're very scary looking and I'm scared of them and I want to feel less scared.

All right, man, well, I can't believe. That's the reason I didn't vote for Biden. I know, it's not reason I did it. That's the reason I didn't vote for him. What is? Did he? confirmed the Patriot Act, he voted for it,

and then he pressed it further. And he, like, continued to, like, press it. So that's why I was like, and because I'm a Muslim man, that's why I have a good issue with that. Do you think there will be a president, though, who is, like, will like, like, pull back a lot of those? Bernie Sanders was completely against I'm saying, like, a president who will be

voted into office who will actually... By the way, this is... Oh, no. This is another thing I love it about Michael, is that he, like, love Bernie Sanders. He was like, yeah, I just love that, like, you know, Bernie's just, you know, like, free health care for everybody and, like, all these great jobs programs and all these, like, wonderful things. Oh, I didn't care about that. Like all these like liberal Bernie things. And then he's like, I voted for libertarians who

want to dismantle every government service. Well, my thing is, as far as economics, I really don't know anything about it, so I stay out of it. So that's why, like, I don't, I don't know. I'm such a dumbass when it comes to politics. I literally only care about civil liberty stuff, and that's it. But I don't know anything. I'm a dumb ass. I'm not like, oh, listen to me.

I'm like, I think Bernie Sanders, because he voted for the Patriot Act, I think, are against it. And then I think weed is cool and tight, and hookers are cool. actually they're pretty loose from what I've heard but that's why I'm like all right this guy I care more about that than like

people dying because I don't have insulin by the way I'm sorry to keep I feel like I keep bringing a policy just because I think you're I literally just chimed in there that's why did it move for Biden but even like the torture stuff I feel fucking you know Jake's shirt is

Do you think anybody was like super just like some guy like dominatrous guys like you fucking penis that movie the card countered is that one's called the Oscar Isaac movie movie that's coming out is about Abu Grave and stuff like that. It's gonna be tight.

That'll be interesting. Abu Ghraibaba. I can't believe like there was never a moment where waterboarding was like an internet challenge. Oh, have you done it? No. I've done it. We did it to sleepover with some friends. Pretty fucking tight.

Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. I don't think you did. I think you didn't do it right. No, no, no, no. It's not tight. It sucks. It does feel like you're drowning.

So what you do is you lay down. You put a rag over your face people pour water on it. You know the whole how it works. And then it feels like you're drowning. Yeah. It's not very tight. I was kidding about that. but it's a very scary feeling.

It feels like you're drowning. I'm sure it's a lot worse when they pull you from your home country and fly you to get in. For sensory depravate you. It's like herding goats in like a random mountain pass

and then it's happening to you. Like you're going to stay here forever. Yeah, because it is so funny. I bet you're like, where's Bryson? That is kind of the argument that like they're making.

They're like, listen, all we're doing is just give, they can still breathe. That's such a funny thing. They'd be like, they could technically breathe. That's a justification

for so many. horrible things. They could technically breathe. Also, just like putting them in the insect box it's like you can break it down in a way. It's like, look, it's just a box, and we're putting them in it, and there are bugs in there. Yeah, exactly. Look, we're just keeping them awake for a long time.

That's all we're doing. Yeah. Yeah, literally anything. Yeah, dude, I wouldn't crack under that one. Oh, yeah, just like... They were like, yeah, you got to stay up for like four days. Yeah, we just keep... We just keep giving Jake hot black coffee instead of water and keeping him up with

scary music for days of the time. He's fine, dude. He's thriving. Yeah, we just keep giving him cigarettes. What is his vacation? Fantastic. This is nice, dude. This is a nice resort you guys. This is the best part of this island.

Dude, I saw, like, I got an ad for, like, you know who Stephen Crowder is? Oh, cool cat with the guns. One of those fucking guns. I got an ad that was watching, like, a Joe Rogan clip or something. And there was an ad for, like, Stephen Crowder's YouTube channel. and the ad was they were waterboarding Stephen Crowder and then he was like, it's not that bad.

He's just still like 20, 21. He's still like on waterboarding. Yeah, he's got to be fucking kidding me, dude. That dude's so nuts. Somebody was talking about, I forgot who, but it's like, he is like, that's the, like, like, I'm like, I'm decently pro gun or whatever, not like fully, but it's so funny that people are like, oh, I'm going to wear, like,

everywhere, like that gun girl who like goes to school with an AR-15 on her back. She, you guys can't do anything about it. So you're such a. piece of shit. You're like literally just I love how that guy is advertised. He's like a comedian. And then if you listen to him talk, he's like the biggest tool, like in-cell, loser. Like, like, it's just so

lame. I say this across the board, just don't be a fucking nerd. Like, I want to just don't be a fucking, it's like, there's the fucking liberal nerd who's like, you guys aren't following me, you guys, there's rules are here. And it's like, okay, you say that. And then there's like the republic and stuff. It's like, you should follow the law and this

and that. I'm like, you guys, they're just nerd. That's the, the lamest thing is like, the Stephen Crowder types who like go and they're like infiltrating Antifa and like filming them saying shit. It's like, you're just playing a big fucking game of capture the flag in front of the White House and they're

like we don't care what you're doing. You can do this all day long. There's this great video of Stephen because he does his like facts and logic thing and like college campuses and stuff and he went to this like basically like a Detroit Labor Union meeting of just like all these like fucking big steel factory workers

He was going up to them being like, why do you think right to work legislation should not be allowed? And they're just like, shut up, fucking douche. They just like ripped his tent down. He's like, well, this is crazy. That's like Ben Shapiro, he's like so severely autistic. And I'm like, anybody that's like, yo, he's so fucking cool. I'm like, no, he's not.

He's a fucking pussy. Wait, you're just watching YouTube videos of just dudes talking about abortion shit. Yeah. Do something fun, nerd. You think he's cool because he can, like, string a sentence to you. Yeah, exactly. You don't know how to talk.

Also, you don't know what cool is. You think that's cool? Yeah, that guy's a fucking pussy. That guy with a yarmaca talking about, like, prison? That guy sucks. Well, the Constitution clearly says. Yeah, fucking nerds. If you listen to this podcast and your nerds, stop.

This is a cool guy podcast. No nerd listeners. Honestly, dude, we can get off my... Like, obviously, we're talking about politics and stuff here. when we get off Mike, we talk about pussy, dude. Dude, just constantly. We both have girlfriends, but we just, we talk about how cool our girlfriend's pussy's are.

Yeah, we just, yeah, about, various stuff about that. Jake has a girlfriend, too, by the way. Oh, you do? Yeah. Nice. Yes, thanks for including me. How's her puss? It's the best, dude.

But, yeah, that's what the age is. I love you, sweetheart. She listens to all your podcast appearances and monitors. You've heard fucking. All right, he said my pussy was tight. That's good. That's good. What was the...

Yeah, that's... Yeah, there's no nerds. We actually, we do this podcast a certain frequency that only cool guys can hear. It's like the chime outside of it. If nerds listen to this podcast, just nothing comes down.

We meet... Like, one of your friends is like, hey, Michael, I tried to listen to your podcast and there's just a high-pitched line. You're like, oh, no, we can't be friends anymore. Yeah, I'm not hanging out

with that guy. Do you ever listen to the mosquito? That's something... Yeah, it's like that. Yeah, it's like... You know, one day I listen to that and I could not hear it anymore. And I was like, oh, God.

It's like the bell it's like the rain... The bell from the Polar Express. Yeah, yeah. You ever read that book? I watched the movie. If you hear the bell, it means you were molested. I fuck, I can't stand that movie, dude.

The animation is so creepy to me. Jake was supposed to... His dad was supposed to read him that book, but then he left, so then it just collected dust on the side of his... I'd stand, and Jake's like, yeah, I fucking... I hate that book, dude. Every year on Christmas, I buy a copy of the Polar Express and set it on fire.

We watched that at school. I remember, like, how hyped that was. they're like, it's so funny how shitty school is that you can watch the worst fucking movie and they're like, this is a great day. You know what I mean? He'll be like, yeah, dude, there is a class where every time the teacher didn't want to teach,

he would just play the first 40 minutes of B movie. And not once did someone go, like, can we just start it from 40 minutes in? We've already seen this. He's like, you know what? The DVD remote only has a skip thing. It doesn't have a fucking fast forward thing. We're just doing this.

We, uh, yeah, we, we had some fucking stupid teachers. I remember we watched Bill Nile That was always kind of fun I remember one time though We were watching a movie and We had a substitute teacher And like in private school we actually care But in public school there's a substitute

We were just the biggest pieces of shit And I remember I was just watching a family guy On my phone And the whole classroom would be all quiet and stuff And then you should be like Yeah In the back every like 10 minutes I had this one teacher who was like such a dork

He was like a tech teacher But for like Yeah don't let him listen to this podcast cast. He wants. He's busy, like, making model trains or whatever. Fuck that guy. Yeah, dude. He taught us a class where the whole class, you only take when you're in sixth grade in my

school, and they just teach you how to build a bridge, and then that's the class. Oh. It was really upsetting is you can just look up somehow in my school. You could just find any teacher's salary. Every kid in my class one day was like, the guy only makes, like, 28 grand a year.

It was, like, really sad. Dude, that'd be such a shit. anything here, like, heckled from the back of a classroom. It's just like, you only make $28,000 a year. You can't come back. Dude, we had a kid that got kicked out over school. Shout out to fucking Lamar. He's doing awesome.

He's the man. But he fucking, he got kicked out of school because he brought a bunch of, like, money and, like, threw it at a teacher. I'm pretty sure it's what it happened. And he goes, I make more money than you bitch. And that's how he got, like, kicked out. So my dad is the most baller. Just walked out to just, like, confetti and people just, like, throwing underwear at him.

That's the most ball. throwing stacks of money the teachers, like, I make more money than you bitch. That also would be funny, though, if that was all that kid's money.

So after, when he got expelled, he's like, okay, great, can I go pick up all those bills? I actually took that for my dad and he's going to be really mad. Oh, yeah,

this teacher one time, he, like, he was, like, teach, it was like the beginning of the class, like the first day of school. And he was, like,

explaining to us the rules of his classroom. And he's like, look, I'll send you to the nurse if you actually are sick. But if you're just sitting, they're pretending, like, you're like, excuse me, I'm sick, Achoo. And I was laughing so hard

at that, how stupid that was for like half an hour. And he, like, I was laughing until he was like, go sit in the front next to me until you stop laughing. And he brought me up front thinking I'd be like ashamed. And I just kept laughing. And he was like, go fucking sit in the hall. And then I was sitting in the hall laughing so loud. He came outside. And he's like, just fuck, just go away. Go to the nurse. That's the best is when you just laugh. And laughing like a grown adult's face. I'm like, we know you're an idiot. We had a fucking, we had a principal like that. He's a principal slash a baseball coach that fucked a bunch of people's moms. And he like, he was so funny because we went to his office

one time, me and my buddy Paxton, who helps produce his podcast. And I was like, whatever you do, when you go on there, don't think of a gnome just like butt fucking him while he's talking to us. And we go into his office and two minutes in Paxton just starts dying laughing. And then we're just laughing in this grown man's face. He's like, you think this. is funny, you think this is funny? And then he we literally have to leave because we're laughing so hard, and he can't even punish us, because we're just like laughing in his face. But he was one of those guys, I remember

he brought us in one time, and he's like, I know what you guys are doing, and it's not funny. But every time he's like, we know you've been rearranging books in the library as a prank. And we're like, we're not doing that. That's the dumbest fucking prank. That's the lamest prank I've ever heard. And he's like, oh, that's not you guys? And we're like, no, that's so stupid. Why would you think we do this? That could also just be a mistake.

Yeah, yeah, that he's a goal, okay about that. All right. Have you been jacking off in between the pages of the book? Yeah, we did that. He's like, I gotta blame this on somebody. Can you guys please take it? That's a prank to the one like autistic kid who goes

by the Dewey Decimal system. I can't find the fucking Guardians of Gahoo Volume 2. Just like, sitting in the bag, he's like, fucking idiot. It's with the reference books.

You're also like, like how much of a sociopaths you have to be that like you want to intimidate kids like he literally was one of those like straight-faced guys like you goof-do-do like really trying to like getting kids face. I'm like you're a fucking pussy and a loser. Fucking Eli was talking about how we got

like dragged in front of the police when he was like 15 and just like was like threatened like police do that all the time. Like we're going to charge you with like a serious crime. It's like how do you like look at a child's face and be like I'm going to send you to prison son? It's a wild thing It's fucking nuts dude.

Oh yeah. That's I fucking the police, I got, like, when I got caught, like, peeing under a bridge in college. I was, like, 17. And I was, he was also on a third grader. Yeah.

Public urination, man. That was the real crime. If there was a dead kid under the bridge. You're like, I did pee on him. I knew I was peeing on him. I, I didn't kill him.

I just knew he was there. Oh my God. The fucking, when I, When I got the police, when they were, came up to me and were writing the ticket, they were like, show me your ID, whatever. And I, like, opened my wallet and there was a fake ID in my wallet. So I was at a bar just before. And I took it out and just threw it on the ground thinking they wouldn't see that. And easily I pick it up. And I gave it to him. And he was like explaining how like big of a crime that was. And he was like, look, it'll be fine if you just go to the courthouse and pay this. Which he was like essentially, like, don't talk to a lawyer or anything. Just go to a course. It'll get, it'll be like a 50. fine and we won't, if you do that, we won't write you up for this thing. And I went to the courthouse and it was

$400 and a 40 hours of community service. It's like a racket, like the intimidation like that, yeah. Yeah, no, they do that. I never got arrested. I got detained a bunch that. We'd just be drinking in, like, abandoned houses and they'd be like, you can't do this. All your parents got to pick you up. I'm also just thinking about how Jake probably got

like a fake ID to like go drink whiskey in a dive bar alone. There's a picture of me from that night in the bar. with like a double shot of whiskey. Just drinking cutty sark neat. Somehow looking like the oldest guy. Just like, yeah, honestly, no one under 21 has ever even come in this.

There were places like that. There's a place called Clix billiards by me. And we go there with like our fake guy. Because it's literally just like a, it's like that kind of thing. Like they don't check. They're like, why would anybody want to fucking go in here? That was my favorite is autos that open mic. They like aggressively ID people like three.

p.m. on a Tuesday and I'm like, what kid do you think is coming here to fucking do it? We knew you were under 21, not because you were drinking here, but because you were like having a good time. I got fucking, you know that? Divorce papers. Show them. That's how we check it. You know that? What's that bar?

As like a mic in the back, it's on, um, it's right by like the Travers Square Park or a Tompkins Square Park. Okay. Well, oh the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, the punk bar. Niagara?

Niagara. Yeah. That's right. I went to Niagara when I was like 19 or 20 to go do the mic and I tried to ask

for a glass of water and they were like okay and then they were like do you have ID? And I was like oh no I'm underage and then they were like okay

and I like walked back towards the mic and then like the bouncer came over and like horse collared me out. Dang. I was like damn dude I wasn't just walking around

with water. Jesus Christ. That is a thing too There are so many bounce like that. Like I knew some guy who was a bouncer, and I remember I showed up to a college bar, and he's like doing lines. He's like, dude, I'm going to kick somebody's ass tonight.

And it's just so funny. You're like, that's such a shitty thing. Dude, I was a, I went to, I did a college. Like, I performed at a college and then just like got stuck. Like, just like at like a bar afterwards, like hanging out was not drinking. So it was dead sober and like went to pee in the bathroom. And I guess someone before had like been in the bathroom for a long time and someone had went and got the bouncer

and then like in the interim of time since that happened. Oh, they thought it was you? I went in and started peeing. So the bouncer like whipped open the door like expecting to see like a shit-faced college kid but it was just like a stone sober 26 year old just like, you're taking a long time in here?

I was like, nope. He just like didn't know what to do with that energy at all. He was like, all right. It just walked off. I got kicked out of a bathroom doing coke one time. I remember it was like, the bouncer was so short that he was hanging on the door thing. So he's looking at me.

His feet are dangling as he's like looking at me doing coke. Off the doorknob? Not the door, but the stall. He's like hanging. Oh, okay. Wait, he's so small. He's tinkerbell size. He's hanging off the door.

But the, like, the stall door supported his, like, adult weight. Yeah, well, he was, like, so small. And he's like, hey, you can't be doing that coke in there. And I'm like, let me just finish. So he's like, he's like, yelling at you from under the gap in the bathroom. He's like, hey, you up there. still like the most jack guy you've ever seen yeah yeah but that that sucks but it was one of those things I was like now I literally have to do all of it at once because there's no way he's not going to try to

compensate it uh that is but so this guy was like hey stop doing coke and you just like quickly did a lot of coke yeah it's always how that works it's like yeah okay now I'm gonna leave this bar because I'm having a panic attack yeah well it's like my favorite is like once out we there's bowling alley by a shout out a Loma bowl great place to drink underage If you're underage, listen to this podcast. Go get drunk at a Loma Bowl. Unless you're a nerd. Yeah, unless you, they don't fuck it.

That's where they draw the line. Yeah. It doesn't matter old as you are. Yeah, they're like, no, no, no, Pussy's here. A 29-year-old comes in with like a button-down shirt, they're like, no, no, absolutely not. But we went there with time and, like, I had a fake idea.

I was the only one had a fake idea. I think I was like 16. And I bought all the pictures for everybody. And the guy comes up, he's like, oh, these are all for you? And I was like, yeah, no, nobody else is drinking these. Because they don't have ideas. He's like, all right, I better see you drink all of them. And I literally just drank all of the pitchers, got so hammered.

Yeah, I would rather this one guy die of alcohol. Yeah, then everyone else gets moderately buzzed. Yeah. And so I remember just drinking like, we had like margaritas too. I got so hammered. I was doing like a handstand. And then we saw them call the cops. We should probably leave.

That is funny, though, just like, they're wheeling you out of the bar. And the bouncer and the bartender's like, yeah, I told him he had to drink all seven of those pitchers. And it's like, okay, so you're going to jail. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think now that I like don't care about stuff, I want to get kicked out of like a place for being too drunk, like a fun place, like Orlando Pirate Dinner Adventure or like medieval times.

I think for my birthday I really want to get drunk go to medieval times. And that'd be very good time because it's like there's no stakes at that point. Like in high school we get kicked out of like, I had friends that got kicked out of Universal and they got banned for a year. And they're like, oh, dude, in Orlando you're like, dude, that sucks. I got banned from Universal Studios for a year. But now I'm like, that's how people start doing bath salts. Yeah. That was the only thing to do it, Orlando.

can't do the only innocent thing. But it's so funny because now I'm like, oh, now I can get to see out of Universal Studios and I'll be like, okay, I won't be here for another five years. So it's like, you're just like getting shit-faced and just like talking shit to like a Universal Cop is like, I'm not even going to be here for another year. It's like, okay, you're still a loser.

You still got so drunk that we had to kick you out of Universal. If I got kicked out for a year, a year ban, I would go back like, once a week just so they knew who I was. They remembered me. And then on the year, they're like, they like, welcome me back. Yeah. You did it. You didn't make a problem.

Welcome back. They don't actually, though. It's so funny because they don't actually... Well, it's weird that they were doing fingerprints there for... Dude, they're such fucking nerds. You had to get like a fingerprint for like your pass so that other people wouldn't use your seasonal pass. But my buddy, he...

You're like, it's like, these people are such nerds. This theme park where I go regularly. that's very fair fair fair but my buddy got kicked out from hallowing hornets because he got really fucked up and then they uh but he had to go to universal like his family like a month later but they didn't they don't you don't really get kicked out for they don't have pictures of you but for seasonal passes they probably do have your fingerprints how funny they usually have a dead guy's fingerprint like so tears to use the universal fans i've stolen a man's identity yeah that would be funny to like get banned for a year and then come back and they like have their eye on you like the first time i'm time and then you just go back the next day after the year band and get shit-faced. You're like, like, kicked out a year later, just go have a perfectly innocent time. Yeah, I'd be like, hey, I'm a changed man.

They have your fingerprints, if you have a season pass? Yeah, so that you don't give somebody else your season pass. Because then you could just be like, oh, 20 bucks, want to go for the day? I would be like very sheepish about giving my fingerprints and be like, so you're pedophile. So you're convicted pedophiles.

That's fucking, that would be crazy if like, like, the police went to get your fingerprints from universal, like their dental records. Here's pictures of him as like me on the Hulk. Like, yeah. They're like, hey, this is the only evidence this guy is a lot of.

Instead of a mugshot in Orlando, it's just like, notorious criminal Michael Good and just like him being like whew! As you can see, patron of the Orlando community. Pictured here being not at all scared on dueling dragons.

This is the kind of psychopath who would kill kids. Look at this, look. Not even phased at all on the scariest roller coaster. That is, you know how fast that roller coaster is? The G-forces are nuts. This man's clearly a sociopath. Let's end it there, though. Do you guys have anything to promote?

Yeah, peanut butter traps. Sundays and six of the grizzly pair. Come by. Live podcast. I have tall boys every Wednesday at 8 p.m. at Soulhouse Bar. And then also, on October 14th, if you live in or around Stanford, Connecticut, I'm going to be at the Half Full Brewery with Sam Ruddy and Mike Vecke. Okay.

Oh, yeah. All right. Go check that out.