Morning Good - They're Just As Bad As Us - Episode 181

Episode Date: August 6, 2023

Alan Fitzgerald and Jonathan Tillson join the show for today's episode. They talk about the little person Snow White controversy, RFK's little anti-Semitic slip-up, and Alan's new special on YouTube.Thanks to Alan and Jonathan for coming back on the show. Check them both out at the Explaining Things YouTube page where you'll find their podcast along with Alan's special, Straight For Pay.You can find Jonathan on Instagram @jonathantillson and Alan everywhere @fuckcityusa. We can't stress enough how much we loved Straight For Pay and really want to encourage everyone to watch it and share it.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love that.

Yeah, by way, shout out to Tim's Brace. Welcome to Morning. All right. I'm here with Alan Fitzgerald. Oh, we're starting? Yeah, yeah. No warning, no nothing. Jonathan Tilson. Hey. Hi. How are you? And we're all excited to be here. We're very excited. It's much cooler in here.

Yeah. It is pretty cold in here. It's nice. Actually, I am going to Rhode Island, which I'm very excited about. Are you? I'm looking into hostels. I've never, I never even thought of them as like a thing. Rhode Island hostel. Yeah, they have hostels there. Yeah, yeah. All right. You're about to be raped by a Portuguese. You know that, right? Maybe a team of them. A pack, as Jonathan calls them. Portuguese people. Oh, okay. Would you call them? A shrimp boat, we call them. A murder of Portuguese. Portugue. Portuguese, I've never heard that. Is that a slur technically? That is a group that I do not care to offend because such a small country, right?

And people. But I mean, I've had Portuguese friends that call themselves Portuguese. Well, I also have black friends to call each other the N-word. It doesn't mean. I don't think it's N-word level. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We need a char. I was talking about, we were talking about it.

There needs to be a chart, so you kind of know. Because some people don't, you don't know, and then you say something. Oh, yeah. Red at the top. And then orange and yellow. It's like the War on Terror. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you know.

The critical threat level. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Houn actually has a chart, but the, uh, the places keep switching. It's not ready for release. Depends who cuts me off that day. Well, that's like Wob. Like, I always felt comfortable saying Wobb. And then I said it one time.

You should. They're animals. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy like, like, like kind of pulled back of it. I was like, wait, I thought we were cool. I thought we could do this. That guy's a pussy. That's all that is.

What are the, uh, Italian slurs ranked? Like, is Wop were, than Guinea. Dago's the worst, I guess. Guido. It goes, Daigo, Wop, Guinea,

Ginzo, Guido, Guido, uh, marinara monkey. That's a good thing. Yeah, they like that one.

They're okay with that one. That's a turn of endearment. I'm also like, I like, my, uh, I'm like half Italian or whatever, whatever,

whatever's going on with that. But my disdain for Italians has gone, I feel like down since the Cuomo. left the spot. Like when they were in the spotlight, it was like all time, like, I'm like, what are these people doing?

And now I'm kind of like, these people. Oh my God. Jeez. Hate speech. Yeah. I mean, there are so many reasons

to, you know, look down on Italians other than Cuomo's. Yeah. That's kind of the height of the height. Yeah. By the way, Gindaloon is another good one.

That sounds like the worst. I don't know if it is the worst. It sounds like something like an Italian great grandfather would say. Yeah. What am I, a Gindaloon? I'm a Gendaloon? No, I earn a living just like the next guy.

Yeah, it sounds bad. Anyway, stop hanging out in front of my flower shop. Dude, I watched today, have you seen that, it was a video of Riley Reed rapping where she says the N-word a bunch? No, I haven't seen that. Yeah, that's actually the sexist video she's ever done. I've seen other Riley-Reed videos. Never though.

I've seen it. to every single one besides that way. Yeah. Yeah. I have it. Have you got to, should I pull it up? Sure. I got to get a better system where I can like play it in. You're going to have the N-word on this podcast? It's not coming for me. Or I'm going to say it quietly while she... Give it time, Mike. Give it time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She gives the time of the video. She doesn't start out saying it. You know, I, for one, would expect more from a fucking woman who gets triple-team by black guys. Well, the comments, because I saw it on Instagram originally, I was like, what the fuck is this? And the comments were all like, she's done blacked, she gets the pass.

Like, nobody has done more. People were like, she's done more for BLM. Yeah. If you've had three black cocks inside of you at once, I think you get to say it. Well, that's the thing is there's always the argument where people go. Especially if a fourth guy tries to sneak in. Hey. Where do you think you're going?

Dude, I hear. I heard it. There was a story like that. This girl got gang banged by like, I think it was 40 dudes in college. And then the 50, 40 like first dude she pressed charges on with like that guy raped me. She's like, all of it was cool. And then that one guy.

Which is possible she was like, no more fucking dicks. And then that's actually might be the worst time to rape somebody after they've had 40. Yeah. Dicks already in them. I don't know. Do you think it be? I mean, if I'm just thinking of the world, you are... On your friend's wedding day is probably worse.

Yeah, that's crazy. On your bar mitz. Imagine, like, if your daughter, if you found out your daughter got double-timed, you're like, okay, that's awful. I fucked up. If you found out in college, your daughter got a 40-man train run on her? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did you do? I mean, at that point, it's just like, it's like nature versus nurture.

It's got to be genetics. Her mother had to be a whore. It was like... Yeah, there's a problem when some... Someone's waiting in line. When there's a long line. Do you like, if you're like the, are you like getting, you're getting ready to go? Of course.

You're kind of, yeah, yeah. You're fluffing. Yeah. You fluff yourself. You get ready for it. Oh yeah. Dude, if you're not ready in 30 seconds, the next guy takes your spot. Absolutely.

Come on, bud. We've given you plenty of time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been in line all day just like you. All right? It's at the DMV. There's a disabled gig. It's kind of like the whole of the fast pass.

Right. Come on. Because he has cancer, that's annoying. It might not last till the end. This make a wish would be a fraud. I might make a wish. I'd like to be part of a 40-man train. I would be 39.

That's where I want to be. 39? Yeah, yeah. I'll go one. Just so I can... Call me romantic, but I'll go one. I'll go one. Yeah. See, I don't know.

I keep changing my mind about this stuff. Because, like, at first glance, you go, this person has serious problems because because they take 40 dicks. But then you apply it to a guy banging 40 women. You're like, all right, I assume a guy would do that.

But even that's a little... All right. Settle down, Judy Blum. All right. There's no equivalent. There's no... A guy doesn't have 40 loads. I mean, yes,

40 women could get together and hop on a dick twice and then get off. Dude, Franco did that. Franco visited Florida State University and I went there. And they paid for him to speak,

which is hilarious. Because like, James Franco, I'm sure he'll have intelligent things to say, gave a speech, and then went to a fraternity house and just banged, But like, apparently there was like a room and girls were waiting and he was just fucking and fucking and fuck.

Because he's like a sex addict. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is, uh. That's fun. But, you know, there's also, this won't come across as feminist, but there's, there's also, like, there's a difference between, uh, fucking and being fucked. Like being fucked, it's like a big sweaty dude on top of you, just one after another. It's just like, there's so much meat. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Because outside of the penis inside you, there's a sweaty guy. There's a big. If you've ever seen a train video, they're not all fucking, like fitness models, these guys. Yeah, yeah.

You know, it's like a guy with fucking black shoes and no pants. They're putting out a lot of calls and getting a lot of cancellation. Absolutely. Those guys can't get paid a lot. No. Oh, yeah, it's like a lineup on a comedy show

when there's like 10 comics. I'm getting five bucks. They're getting paid in pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're getting paid in pussy. Yeah, yeah. I wonder if there's a, there's a lower a pay rate towards like do you get paid

more if you're the last guy or you get paid more? I bet if I were organizing this, I would make them draw straws so then you can't bicker over who gets what? You would make them draw straws? I'd make them draw straws. I would be like guys we have three hours with the skank.

All right, just get it done. I don't want to hear any complaining. Sharing is caring. What's the straws you pull the longest straw? Well, I don't know. There's a penis equivalent of that. You just, who has the biggest dick. You do a draft.

You do a random draft at the start. It would make most sense to start with like the tiniest penis possible. That would be a hilarious gangbeata watch. It's like a micro penis. And then you just see the, it's almost like a time-lapse video. It's like that children's toy where you put the rings on the thing. Yeah.

Or it's like a time-lapse video where you see the vagina just opening slowly and slowly and bigger and bigger. Yeah. In the name of science. Like, is anyone surprised at Riley Reed? I mean, I assume she's from a little bit. A little bit. Yes, I guarantee. I haven't looked it up.

No, that's your people. No, no. All the best porn stars are from Florida. This is factually correct. That's absolutely right. This is a thousand percent correct. It's where, like, actors go to L.A. Yeah.

Porn stars, that's like Porn Star, L.A. Yeah, I hope that doesn't change. Florida's a red state. I really don't. You think it'll become more? Well, actually, people say it is a red state, but it's always been a swing state. I feel like Pornstar is red. Yeah, it's red now, though.

Oh, no, now it's very red. It's very red. I feel like porn star. as many porn star. I feel like both are right wing. Porn stars are right wing? Yeah, you kind of see that sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is kind of funny because it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know who's annoying, though? Okay, so I thought this person was really cool. There's that redhead girl called like something Pearl. Oh, I know her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And at first I was like, she's fun because she was just on like the vice thing. She was saying a couple things that made sense where you're like, okay, this is cool that one woman says this. I saw a couple things the other day where I'm like, this bitch is she's out of her mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's gone crazy. Yeah, now she's, like, going further and further. She said, she said women shouldn't vote. Really?

I was like, I don't know if Andrew Tate's got that far. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is crazy. Yeah. But it's like, at first I was like, oh, this is a fun person. And then now she's like, she's making like all it. Because that Adam 22 guy asked her to be in a video with her and her wife or him and his wife. Yeah, yeah.

And she's just going like, oh, she's like, this is a disgusting thing. This is what the liberals while. I was like, I don't think Adam 22 is a liberal. I think he's just a tattooed guy who's in pole. He's got tattoos up the side of his head. Something. Yeah. Yeah, there's no way.

Something tells me he's not reading the Washington Post. No, I don't think so. But she's like, this is what they want. They want you to get cucked by your wife, and they want to sex everything up with their sex. Is that a sentence to use? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sex everything up with her sex. I don't think Adam 22 and his wife, Lena the plug.

Yeah. I hear. Friend of the show. Lena the plug. What does she do for a living? I don't think they're having like live and let live conversation. you know, I don't think they're like crunchy, you know, granola Democrats. No, no, no.

They're like, how do we might, like, it is, I do, I am starting to love the world of internet people, though. Because it started, you had like Milo Unopolis. You had like Alex Jones. Now there's all these other characters and they're fun. Like, it's more fun than watching, like, I don't want to watch like, I don't know, the new season of it's always sunny and started watching that. I mean, I love the show, but I'm like, it's going downhill. I want to see. Who wants to watch well put together television shows when you can watch just, uh, people's lives fall apart?

Stable people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Making points. Getting paid for God knows what reason. That guy, Adam 22, he and his wife were in the news recently because they always, the thing they do is it's like a talk show. They interview a porn star and then they fuck her. Yeah.

All right. So it's two girls, one guy. She just fucked her first non-Adam 22 porn star. She got picked down by a giant black guy. What's the name, Love? I can't remember. I think it's like. actually.

Lust. But it is, everybody's called a cuck. I don't know if he's a cuck because he, he's banged like 50 hundred other women on camera.

She's banging like one guy. They're like, he's a cuck now. Yeah, they're both porn stores. Yeah, yeah. He wasn't in the room. Yeah.

And he's garbage. Plus. He's had tattoos plus the side of his head. Plus, I mean, he's never said he believes in global warming or vaccines.

Yeah. So what kind of a cuck can he be? Yeah. Well, he also, he had Richard Spencer on his podcast. He used to be white supremacists. He fucked Richard Spencer? Yes, yeah. Oh, my God.

He had the plot. He has other podcasts. You whore. By Richard Spencer. Well, yeah. All right. So let me put it like this. If you're a liberal, you don't have Richard Spencer on your fucking fucking.

But apparently Richard Spencer's changed. But I don't think so. I thought he did. And I was like, I was like, yeah. And then I watched a couple clips again. And I was like, no, I think he's, I think he's getting sued. And he's like, yeah, yeah. If I know the wokes, they don't forget.

Yeah. So they're like, oh, I take his word for it. Yeah. He's a good guy now. I've realized I was wrong. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what? And I'm taking this so seriously.

I'm doing a porno podcast. He's a reformed white supremacist, everyone. Gather around, y'all. He's one of us. Now in his theory that should be a win if he actually did transition. I guess. But I mean, like, if you make a giant change after 40, which I assume is something like that,

like, I don't totally believe it. Yeah, I guess 40 years You're like, your 30s are your last chance. It depends how woke he is. If he was like, listen, I was wrong about a lot of stuff about shipping me out of the country. Now, do I want one to date my daughter? No.

Then you'd be like, I believe this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of believe he's turning a corner. He's getting better. He's being honest. If he fully switches, you're like, I don't know. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, I don't trust this.

By the time I'm 50, you know, who knows? You know, maybe. Yeah. Once again, I want to emphasize, he was not on the porn. version of the Adam 22 has a couple podcasts

that's one of the boy it must be pretty those non-porn one must be pretty boring yeah I was gonna say I think he's just talking about the porn ones

wasn't that great on their last episode where I thought was two Chinese shit you're like I just want to stress he wasn't on the porn one I'd hate to be smirch Richard Spencer he came to like speak at the

university south of us I went to Florida State and he went to UF and when he went to UF like white supremacists just all came and there was like a bunch of like neo-Nazis on campus but then there's this viral video

this black guy hugging his white supremacist apparently he like changed that's always good that's nice or they're just friends that would be a great idea me and like another black comic like I pretend to be

a white supremacist and then he hugs me and we both go viral on something yeah yeah yeah he's just that meanwhile that's actually like the Clayton Bigsby of black guys that's like

yeah he's hugging up they're like look it's changing he got some good ideas yeah yeah there's some interesting things like that. Have you rid of the divester community? No.

Divester, no. It's like black women that only want to date white guys and they no longer want to date black men. But it's not like a preference, but it's like it's like a mental decision to like do that. Oh, okay. To punish black guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think the black guys made their choice too. Yeah. You would rather. a 350-pound white girl that made a hot black woman, really? They are seriously. Racist people should really clam up up because, like, I'm not fucking that

350-pound woman. The fucking thousand-pound sisters. Have you ever seen clips of that on TLC? Are they still alive? They started simulcasting on BET. They're thriving. Are they? Yeah. Wait, wait, you're serious? No. The 700-pound sister,

one is way bigger than the other. She's got a boyfriend. We're, oh, damn. That guy has to have a huge penis, right? There's, like, no way out of that. Um, no, you'd be surprised what a system of police can do. And an intricately placed series of mirrors. You know what I like the idea?

Like, I like the idea there's like a dwarf below her, lifting her fat. And then he goes, like, right above the dwarf's head. Oh, that is. That must smell so bad. That dwarf would be gone. Oh, my God. He just fucking, you just getting nuts in the head. The guy, like, lifting the.

Dude, on a hot day, that cunt fat must fry like bacon in a game. Yuck. Got it. Think I have a poet on the pot. I think that fucking dwarf would get fucked into her like fucking loading a musket.

I just cramped it. Where'd he go? Let him root around till he finds the clip. I'll handle the G-spite. You get the outside stuff. He's got a hard hat on. He's got a fucking...

a fireman or something. He's got a fucking flatlight on his head. He's got a hammer. He's just like, I need it. I wouldn't have it if I didn't need it. I like the idea of him like rock climbing her. Like he's got like one foot on like her knee to the other foot. And then he's just banging her.

Like the dwarf's banging her now. But he's just kind of like, just somebody like humping the side of a mountain. You're pushing a lot of stuff. Dude, honestly, I'm a little bit. I'm only a bit eight dwarfs could fuck her. same time, they would have no idea about each other. They would have no idea. They're all living their greatest fantasy of looking a giant

woman. They can't even hear each other. Wait till I tell the boys back at the village. They all come to throw out the little pub with like the same story. The little pup. It's a little pub. It's a little pub. It's a whole

little town. Little car. little garage Little clock tower Little clock tower And it's all just surrounding This one giant fat woman They all fuck just

Yeah yeah yeah Who's tied down like Gulliver's travels She came there on her own But she ain't leaving Yeah That's a funny It's a funny scenario Cut to one of the ropes loosens

And she just fucking Godzoles her way to the town just fucking feet through roofs Yeah, picture her just like moving her arm out of the way Just one of the torches just goes full on. Just shaking a house upside down with their mouth on the chimney. Nom, Those people get like, they like melt into the couch.

Have you seen that? Melt into the couch? They melt into their couch. Like they literally, because their skin is on the couch for so long. It can like morphed. together. Plus, they're that much, they're that much heavier. So, like, even if they got up, there's a fucking massive dent where they sit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I, I'm pretty sure they can't wipe their own ass. It's like, that's a huge part of it. But that's, I think it's part

of the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder if also great job for, I think we're finding a lot of jobs for the dwarf community. Yeah. Did you say great job? You know, I think a great job would but if they were allowed to play the dwarves and Snow White. I don't know if you guys heard about that. Peter Dinklage came out and said this is demeaning. Wait, wait, okay, I actually have opinions on this. I have strong opinions.

Yeah, so, okay, wait, let me, because there's another thing going on, we're going to relate the two. So Peter Dinklage was mad that Dwarfs were playing dwarfs or were not? He was mad that they were playing the dwarves and Snow White and the seven dwarves because it's demeaning to little people. Right. Now, there's other little people that are mad that Willie Wonka doesn't have dwarves in it.

Because they're digital, you can't wait. Do you understand that dwarf actors don't have many options? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. They don't have many options. And they want the money. They're demeaned all day every day. And they're not going to come out with an any bitty James Bond anytime soon.

Wait, that actually sounds fucking sick. That's a great idea. That would be fun. So just came on like a little Ziplon? Oh, my God, I love this idea. So am I going to be, am I going to take a speed boat to the mission? No, we're going to mail you there. Yeah.

Yeah, just a letter. Some of some, just a sprite and some indivigually wrapped cheese slices. Or you know those little baskets they put the babies in like Moses? They just kind of push him out to see one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He breaks into the ball on a pregnant inside of a pregnant woman who isn't really pregnant. Yeah, that's bullshit, dude. That's so easy for Daniel Day Little to go around being like, oh, well, you know, this is demeaning.

It's like, dude, you've got all these great jobs. They don't exist for every other dwarf. No. You're king dwarf. Well, and I've said to you before, too, starting with Lord of the Rings, like all the hobbits would have been played by dwarves in the past. But with CGI, we just made Elijah Wood small. We just made them all small.

So those are lost dwarf jobs right off the bat. Lost dwarf jobs. They were on a platter. Seven guys going to play the fucking rolls. And then it's like, oh. That's seven dwarves, yeah. Seven dwarfs. Yeah.

Dude. Every. Every. dude, every midget who was an extra would have gotten a job in Lord of the Rings. Every single one of them. Have you ever watched the movie Willow? No.

They have a whole dwarf community. It's a Ron Howard film. I love it. It's a fantasy movie. But they have a whole dwarf village. And we're talking about like 75 dwarves in one place. Yeah, that's fucking great.

Wizard of Oz. Yeah, that was a big time. That has to be a dwarf holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That has to be like our entire population was in a movie. Yeah. I also like, I saw the trailer for the new Willy Wonka, and they're making the umpalupas,

they went back to white. I mean, they're orange. But what they did is they had them orange in the old one. And then they're like, let's spice it up. Let's have, you know, let's have some diversity.

So they made them like these weird Hispanic. Like not, like whatever you call. Oh, like Johnny Depp one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then now they're like, eh,

like how old races. We got to go back to orange. They made them. They just look like real Guatemalans. Yeah. They made them a species. They should have given them big asses, though, because they were like,

if they were supposed to be Guatemalans. You can see like an 80-year-old Guatemalan woman just has a ginormous butt walking down the street. But, uh, it's, it's a shame.

You know, it's a shame. You try to do the right thing. And what do you do? You fucking take the bread out of a dwarf's mouth. Yeah. The crouton.

You take the crouton out of a dwarf's little bread. Yeah. The witscracker out of a dwarf's mouth. Uh, yeah, I, I hate that. Uh, because it's also, I don't know,

that's the story. Yeah. Yeah. And I think the... Now, they're being replaced with magical creatures, they said. Whatever magical creatures are. But I know it's not going to make as much sense. It's going to be like, why do these things know each other?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got to be dwarves, yeah. Yeah, when you see seven dwarves in a room, you better believe they know each other. Yeah, yeah. It's a meeting of some kind. I mean, why are they even afraid of, like, what it's going to happen? A bunch of dwarves are going to protest your movie?

That's going to be adorable. With their little signs? I can't think of better promotion. Can they throw a brick through a window? I love the idea of traffic. No, but they can develop, you know, catapult systems. They're just a dwarf getting catapulted into Netflix. They do have human brains.

No, I'm aware. They're probably creative in some ways, too. They probably, I don't know. You're seeing the world from a different hand. They have to be creative. They have to drive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that is wild.

Yeah, yeah. You've got to figure something out. Whoever invented that, the fucking long gas pedal. Wait, if it's a long gas pedal. If it's a long gas pedal, does that mean the car can go infinity fast if he just had a real leg? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just keeps going back. That's a great point.

If you get into a dwarf car, if you can fit in, you get to go warp speed. Yeah, you can travel back in time. They do drive. I went to Dwarf wrestling, and we invited him to hang out our fraternity house afterwards. And I didn't expect them to show up in a car, but they showed up in a full, and the dude was driving. Wow. And then he came to our attorney house. He's like, yeah, he's like, well, the funniest was the man.

I'm sure no one made fun of them. the fucking shit-faced fraternity house. Did all eight... The people were wildly respectful. This may be the most respectful I've ever seen the fraternity, which is very wild. But it was like one of those things where...

Did all eight of them bring one beer, by the way? Just splitting it. I've had a Dorff on this podcast, and that you can drink. A lot of them are drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I think your life is shitty, so you drink. Yeah, but he was weird about it, though, too.

Not weird about it, but not what you expect. I'd be like, did you get bullied in high school? He's like, no, I was the fucking man, he's a class president. You much dwarf dick I slung around at high school? Yeah, because he said girls would fuck him as a joke. He's a great joke. You sucked my dick.

Ooh, I went out with this girl who went to fucking Iona, which is like D1 basketball, and she was a cheerleader, and they had a dwarf cheerleader, and she said the dwarf fucked all the players. Oh, for sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you imagine a six foot 10 dude? I mean, that's like, you could break something inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like fucking a Thanksgiving turkey. Yeah. Dude, that's got to be awesome.

Little legs in the air? To watch her get launched, too. You know what I mean? Like, she probably got fucking, it's probably so much easier. I mean, when you, a small woman is called the spinner.

I mean, I have to imagine a dwarf could just. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You could take the legs and kind of like, it's just, I think there would be just disgusting, though, personally.

Really? I wouldn't do it. There is one. Disgusting is strong. Disgusting is strong. Disgusting to fuck a little person? Disgusting. Disgusting? Disgusting.

I mean, there's an equation here. It's like, all right, whatever you want to consider this regular size person, a four. There's no such thing as a 10 little person. Dude, I don't know. There's a lot of people getting into it now. I have a friend who's been sending me little people to work in. There's a girl on Instagram. Yeah, yeah.

She was the number one only fans last year. A lot of stwarf I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, yeah. It's the only dwarf I've ever seen it I've been attracted to. And you're saying you wouldn't have sex with there? Well, you're also a very tall guy. I would for her. I've heard tall guys have a fear of little people.

Is that true at all? It is true, actually. Because you can't see them. You don't know what's so close to Alan. You don't know what they're up to down there. Yeah, yeah. They're plotting. Fucking plotting, conniving.

Scheming. Because we go to this haunted house thing and they'd have dwarfs there. Like, there's a lot of, weirdly enough, Universal Studios Orlando has like a ton of dwarfs. Because they'd have haunted houses and there'd be dwarfs. This is insane. I think the most dwarfs I've ever seen is a howling ornites. Are you calling them dwarfs? Dwarf.

Dwarf. Dwarf. Dwarf. Dwarf. That's a good point. It's W. Say their name correctly. Say their name.

Say their name. Fucking Dorf. Look at this fucking Dorf. I put an F on the word door. Yeah, you're right. Dwarves. Dwarf. So what they do is they take the whole Parker Universal Studios and they turn it into like a haunted house thing.

And my buddy who was taller was like really scared of the dwarfs. I like you can't say this word. Luckily you almost never have to say it. Yeah. But yeah, he was like scared of him. there's like guys with chainsaws and all the other stuff and he's like now the dwarves would scare me.

Fuck yes, absolutely. Why does it scare you? It's different. Why does everyone scare me? Are you terrified of people with Down syndrome too? No, but I prefer not to eat near them. That's why Tillson quit professional pie eating.

That's exactly right. Do they enter hot-ta eating? They have to be good about that because the next are wide. I assume they could really just throw hot dogs down there. You would think so, but they're sloppy. Yeah. They get disqualified early. There's

one... That's half a pie on the ground. No metal for you. They're eating the trays. They're the only ones to get medals. Everyone else gets a cash prize. Yeah, that was what I saw. So there was this... I used to work downtown and there was this Down syndrome guy.

who he wore these goggles, and he worked the whip cream dispenser at the Starbucks. And then I was like, that guy was awesome because he was bald. So he kind of looked like a minion, like from despicable me. And I saw, that's actually what they prefer to be called. But I saw like the, there was a video on Instagram talking about it. I was like, oh, I've seen this guy. I used to work by him. And it was like, yeah, he's like, I look at work in here because the pay is great.

And I'm like, how does he know if the pay is great? He's doing a deaf impression, everyone. Don't worry. I know, it is strictly that guy with that. But I'm like, you know what to be? I thought you were going to tell me it was on the news like, cereal rapist. Starbucks Down syndrome employee. Pointing his own come and everyone's whipped cream.

Oh, he used to make my latte. He's been drinking. That jizz, yeah. But, yeah, I don't know. I assume, like, I'd feel like I'd want to pay them. more just because I feel weird. I'm a guilty person like that. Like I'd be like, I got to pay them extra.

I don't think you do because generally, I'm not making a joke. Generally, they live with like a caretaker or something. They have a lot of stuff taking care of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess you don't really see like a family of them where they're like all. All retarded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'd do? I'd give them, I'd give them $75 an hour, but I'd be like, but you have to learn how to cash the check by yourself. you can accept no hell so that's right

in other words you're a slave straight of cash fruit rolls that's what made of putting fruit rolls in the ATM all the line behind

I'm like oh fucking broken stop it Tom you get your tongue out of the it's one of the six bed

it's It never, it's not funny to be. Every time I talk about it, it's, I'm like, blown away by how much I love the topic. And I really, it might as well be in the title of the podcast. I talk about it every single week. Have you just, have you ever shaken a retarded man's hand? It sounds painful.

I've done it. You feel like a good guy after. Yeah. Strong hand shake, I assume, right? It depends on how he was raised. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. They had like a body.

Builder with Down syndrome. Like, this isn't impressive. That's, nobody was doubting whether they were strong or not. The problem with the Down syndrome bodybuilder, case you were wondering is in bodybuilding, small waist, uh, that's like what you want.

And they're very thick people. Oh, okay. So wrestling would be like a good thing probably. Wrestling and power lifting. Oh, okay. So like the body building. Yeah, that's a good point because they got to get slimmed down like that.

You can't really get the V. Yeah. No, no. You can't, you need the V. Yeah. It's all about the V. Could success go to their heads,

though, if they really started winning real, gold medals. What if they were banned? Dude, I bet. You can have Down syndrome, but you can't you can't be born a man. This is too unfair.

Yeah, we went in our high school and like, it was funny because girls would try to like, just more than one, but. Just one? I was about to say it. It wasn't about a really short bus. Yeah. But, yeah, it was funny because girls try to stay with them and be like,

fuck out of bitch. I don't mean. Every time. Girls would be like, hey, how's it going? Sam, he's like, get out of here, you hoes. Nice. I got my own shit going on. Did he also

wear a leather jacket and sunglasses and a toothpick? Was he a bad boy? He's the guy who saw like one movie. He's like, yeah, this is what... He's got a really cool dad that dresses him before school. He's dressed in like a fucking red leather thriller jacket. Remember, son, the deep V

the deep V neck is in right now. drops them off every day in a sports car and there's two steering wheels. He thinks he's driving. You can't wear those earmuffs anymore. Air pods. Just leave them in. You're still safe.

Yeah, he had the earmuffs. He did? I was just doing there something about Mary. No, no, yeah, that is a thing. When I run for Senate, I'm afraid this episode's going to come back to Haunt. You would be a great senator. You really do have a politician's face. You look very.

Kennedy. I don't have the mind, though. No. You don't think you're a sociopath enough? Probably not. Probably not. Hey, it's too bad. You should have at least taken a shot at it. I full of people, but I'm not really a sociopath. You should have at least taken a shot at it. I'm only 36.

I was just able to run for president for the first time last year. Oh, I forgot about that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So maybe next year. So next year I'll be going up against Trump. Yeah. You could win. Oh, yeah, yeah. Trump would destroy me in an insult battle. You think so?

I mean, I know he's a good, but you're professional. I mean, I don't think there's ever been anyone faster. Yeah, but comedian-wise. Like, if he had to go against, like, I don't know, Trump versus like Patrice O'Neill, Patrice O'Neill would win. But I think Trump has like the money and the power at his back. Oh, no, no, no. He would win, yeah.

But he couldn't, the only person. He couldn't be offended. Right, right. So I think the only person that could beat him is a really raw black comedian. because you'd have to have the attention so like like like isn't you they could get as much media attention as Trump almost I think it can only be someone richer than Trump

and I don't know that anyone richer than Trump I think a lot of I think a lot of politicians are richer than Trump yeah yeah yeah I think a lot of them are I don't know about politicians but there is certainly a lot a lot of people that are richer I mean there are some politicians but I think most politicians if he has 8 billion or even if they has one billion

I think most politicians don't have a billion dollars yeah it's a lot did you see uh Robert Kennedy Jr. said some funny thing about it. He's like, the vaccine, wasn't that bad for Asians and Jews? Or something like that. Which is a very funny thing to say.

Normally you'd say his candidacy has sunk and now you're like, well, maybe that could go up again. Well, it's funny too because it's like, it's like, that's the funniest way. He kept doing like the I'm not saying it, but I'm saying it thing. He's like, I'm not saying, I'm not implying with the Jews and the Asians got together

and purposely, a vaccine that hurt everybody else, but all I'm saying is... I like a speech that starts with this. Yeah. It's not as effective on CNN. I know you're ready for office when you give one of those. The other videos are just him as shirtless and jeans doing push-up.

Yeah. 69 years old? It definitely takes some shit. Can he do some more? I'm doing steroids, by the way. Like, I've just been going... Right now? No.

You'd notice. There'd be signs. I'd love to do a cycle of steroids. An H-S. The H cycle would do me pretty well, actually. Oh, dude, like a yoked Alan? Yeah, dude. You get one of those longer beers for like twisty?

Alan would abuse his power. What do you mean? He'd be bully. I already do bully. Little puss. You don't want me getting stronger? Is that right? Your little pish?

I have mommy's little puss boy. Dude, I would be like... Can I pee quickly? Yeah, for sure. Because I just started going to the gym for the first time in like 10 years. like genuinely 10 years. Oh my God.

And I'm realizing how fucking not strong I am. And I didn't know that until... Yeah, yeah. And then I'm like, dude, I get why people do steroids. Like, the idea of just going from this to, like, being yoked seems like... And I think there's a lot of propaganda behind it where people are like, oh, makes your ball smaller. I don't know if that's true. Maybe it does.

It does because you're not... Because your balls don't create testosterone anymore and that's their whole job. Oh, so you're creating the testosterone. Okay, that makes sense. Yeah, so your balls do shrink. Okay. But do you need big balls if you got an average penis? I don't know.

You really want your balls shrinking? I don't know, because I think it depends on where you are in life. Like, if you've already had kids, like when I'm like 60, like, I think that would make sense. Yeah, sure. But I don't know. You kind of do want big old man balls. It's kind of a sign of respect. Yeah.

When you get older, there's not a lot. You know what I mean? Because most people could kick your ass when you're like an old man. But then you see an old man with a huge cock or like big balls. You know what? He has a reason to be proud. So I won't beat the shit out of them? Yeah.

Yeah, I'll go around nursing homes. Nice piece. I was going to kick the shit out of you. But I like your dick. I like your cock. So you get to live and keep your OC's old, man. I don't know. I see it.

I respect it. But there's a lot of weird theories about that. There's a lot of people that think they're poisoning like the food supply to lower testosterone to make people have smaller dicks. No, no, that's not what's happening. at all. They are poisoning the food supply to make food

cheaper. That's the only conspiracy you need to know. They're making what is it? They're just making food shittier because it's easier and more profitable. Like there doesn't need to be any more extra conspiracy to it. Like they're just like, we'll put corn syrup and shit because it's fucking cheap. Oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah. That actually makes sense. Yeah, that's why. This other shit like, oh yeah, they're doing it to you know. Make the kids gay. Make kids gay. Yeah, yeah. They're making kids gay. They're turning people trans with weedies.

You don't know them? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, because everybody has a different food supply, so it's like, it's not like everybody's eating the same thing all the time. You'd have, like, people who only eat buffalo chicken sandwiches turning trans.

And you kind of, you bit, or maybe the, I don't know. That's so ironic because that's the least fucking girly food there is. Oh, no, that is the broiest food. It's buffalo chicken. Sandwich? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like, that's like a yodella cat.

Yeah, yeah. That's like a dillia make with a devil. I'd like a Buffalo chicken sandwich. Your wish is my command. But then you get it in your trans. I'm a man. You were a man. I saw completely unrelated,

but I watched one of these, what music do you listen to, Alan? I'm very curious. I don't picture you listening to music. I'll take this one. What music do I listen to? JuC.J. Gucci.

I listen a little rap. I love ACDC baby. Yeah, I love ACDC. I like Radiohead too a lot. Do either you guys like country? I don't until recently. I don't like mainstream country. That stuff's garbage.

Alternative country like fucking Ryan Adams or Louis Sinda Williams or... Yeah, I've heard a lot of good folk too. Chris Appleton. I know he's a little more mainstream, but he's different than like fucking Garth Brooks. Yeah, yeah, or like, do Jason Al-Dine just release this music video? Have you guys heard of this? No. No.

It is funny. So, like, I didn't really know who he is. And then he gets on and he's got like the lamest fucking look. like a leather jacket and then like earrings and then like this weird shave and he's kind of fat and he's wearing like a black cowboy hat and it's uh it's something about like uh the whole point of the song is try that in a small town he's like he's like go ahead curse the cops you know burn the american flag he's like try doing that in a small town like things not gonna go down that way he's like we follow like the thing i've realized i hated about country is the rule followingness of it like the people that are like i like outlaw country where they're like you're like yeah, we're fucking, we don't even listen to fucking police. But like, this guy is literally like, he's like, have you cursed the cops? He's like, try that in my town. Oh, it's just pussy follower shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me some fulsome prison blues, you know? But it's just like, yeah, it's all gun, truck, dog girl beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like it's about six things. But it's like, I don't mind the beers about. I can't relate to a guy who's like, we got to follow the rules. Like, that's so, like, what music is good when they're made by fucking rule followers.

The world's upside down right now. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like that thing has been in a country. I think that's been the last 10 years. It's been kind of thing. And that's what made me not like it. I think it's the ACAB shit where it's just like... They're reversing it.

Other people back to their, like, into their corner, pushes these people back into their corner. And all of a sudden there's just no one rational. Yeah. Well, that's why I've said, like, I would love, like, real country that's from like a crystal meth addict. Like, that would be like... No one writes better than a meth ad. You mean like an M and M of country music?

Yes. Yes. Like in a trailer. Like that's from a... Because that is a lot of it. It's like in Appalachia, there is a ton of fucking crystal meth. That is a huge thing. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Like, the only thing that makes that town bearable. Yeah, exactly. Meth and heroin. Yeah, one of my friends, he was, we were in, we did like a trip out in the woods, and he was texting a girl, and the girl texts him, or on Twitter, or Tinder. And she goes, would you still hook up with me that I was fat? He lost service going into the mountains, which she was like, he was like, God damn it.

Like, she asked about date her if I was fat or fuck her if I was fat, and then she lost service. So later on, and he's like, I got to go text her. We're like, don't text you. Don't text. Don't be a pussy. And obviously I was going to lie, yes. Yeah. And he goes, he goes, he sneaks off into the middle of the night and we lose him completely.

So for like eight hours, we're freaking out. We're like, he's fine. I'm sure he's fine, but our head, we're like, he's fucking dead. We're like, he's completely dead. There's no way he's alive. And I guess what he did was, and he's also the last car parked in the driveway, and this is deep in the fucking wood. So we can't get out backwards because he's the last car. And we're

picturing him just getting like butt fucked in like a shed but we're all out loud just being like I'm sure he's fine and the next day comes around and we get a call from the jail and apparently he went to go text the girl and there was cops staking out a meth lab and he thought because he was 20

at the time he thought they were like they're stopping him from underage drinking so he sprinted in the woods oh yeah and then just like they thought he was a method nightmare yeah yeah they got them they caught him like it was a method yeah they caught him and then they had to find Now they're like, oh, we were staking, this is a terrible place, but we're staking out this meth lab right now.

Wow. He was like, I'm just trying to fuck a fat girl. Is that against the fucking law? Is it against the law to fuck a fatty now at God damn day? Jesus Christ. You just ruined her night. Yeah. She's all lonely thinking I ditch her because he's fat.

She just cried a pizza. Yeah. She's going to eat the pizza anyways, but she got salt in the pepperoni from her tears. She was going to give me half of it. Yeah, yeah. That was our pizza. That's a fetish, too, the feeding fetish. People want to just feed women.

And women want to feed fat guys. Oh, that's a thing. How fucked up is that? Is that, like, what's that tied into, like, control and, like, it's your pet or something? It's like... Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, food is gross.

Anytime food and sex, that's why it doesn't make sense. Food and sex, yeah, just mixing the two is gross. Even before, it's like, I don't like... the idea of like dates and then having sex afterwards because you're like I just ate a whole meal and now the idea of fucking afterwards is like not appealing. I once said that. If I knew I was getting it, I wouldn't order the porterhouse. I would order the grilled chicken cob salad. I thought food without bacon didn't mix until that time I had anal sex while eating meatloaf on a man. I changed my tune pretty quick. You had the big Beaufort. What is that like the Chequersburger

that's just dripping. Gross stuff. Yeah. When you finish, that's grease. That's going to take me at least an hour now. Using burger grease as Lou.

It's been done. You know it's been done. Yeah, it has been done. Houston, Texas, and that's it. 94. You actually buy burger grease? Two Houston Oilers fans. We got to go to.

We got a fucking, we got an anniversary coming up. Where's y'all's bacon grease? Is it a, yeah, that, uh, it's probably like Vaseline where you can never get it off your dick, because it's like, Vaseline's oily like that. I mean, like grease on your hand sucks. So, I mean, I think you have to use fucking Don. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's fucking terrible.

I was a checkers recently, and someone when came in, it was like, it was like four, a, it was probably 1.30 or 2 a.m. And so you're in a checkers at 2 a.m. you should probably just leave. That's never in a good neighborhood. No, it was not. There's not one checkers in a nice neighborhood in America. Where all the Wall Street executives?

This woman, she, like, complained that the tables weren't wiped down. And then they were like, okay, we'll do it. And then she, like, complained twice that the table was not wiped down. Like, this is insane. You have to know where you are, honey. Yeah, yeah. Well, but it was, it was, they were, like, the group of people were Indian, and then the people behind the counter were Indian.

And they were, like, trying to bond with them. And I could tell the indie guy behind the counter. We're like, don't try to start with him. speak my language. After you're telling me to wipe down the fucking table. There's some Indian people that are white people. I'm not fucking checkers. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That doesn't 1.30 a.m. You're asked to be able to wipe down the table.

You think I worked... Yes, of course. Would you like the cabernet with your meal as well? Fuck off. Yeah, you think I'm working the night shift at checkers to build relationships. Any place where you can get cheese fries? Yeah, don't have them to wipe down the table. Don't, no. Because you know he's going to have wipe it down at four also. You find

the least filthy table. And you sit there. And you make it work. Yeah. And then you don't. start speaking like a hindi to the guy afterwards. I don't know what it would you would. Especially because Hindus have a caste system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just made that guy fucking clean your

table. That means something. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, deep back there. Oh, dude. It's, it's like a, it reminds me of like a woman who's like with a rich guy and they break up or they get divorced and she doesn't have much money, but she's still used to this lifestyle. She's in Applebee's treating

it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I was blown away by that. And I was like, Jesus Christ. I was like, that is a white, that's like a white woman thing to do.

But it's like there are certain Indian people that are white people. Like there's, you don't mean like culturally it's like, uh, yeah, I'll tell you this that I, we have a very close Indian friend and he totally agrees with it. I used to wait tables in Knoxville,

Tennessee at P. F. Chang's and a lot of Indian people would come in because it's like rice heavy dishes. Yeah. And they are, a lot of them were pricks. But the worst tip of. absolutely.

Really? Worst tippers absolutely, but they were very demanding. Oh, yes. Also, I used to work at CVS,

and the amount of expired coupons we had to put through just because we were broken down and defeated. And once you do it once, we were not willing,

we were not willing to go the distance with them, so. Well, that just shows you that, you know, not we're all the same. They're just as bad as us. That's a nice way to put,

We're all this. We're all shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all shit. Some of us are shit with money, you know, but we're all shit. Yeah. Because that is funny, too, the second, like, like, because I genuinely, the second I'll start to stereotype, I'm like, no, people are, everybody, every race has their version

of the other race. Like, there's, there's white Indian people. Oh, yeah, totally. Yeah, there's a whole caste system in China, too. I mean, like in Asia, Japan, number one, China, number two, Vietnamese and Koreans. around there. Like, he's saying it slowly. He's like,

make sure you're picking up all this. You write this down. And then you go a little bit down the line. There's something called Jungle Asian, which I did not even know about. I was like, what?

Jungle Asian. They're like, oh, yeah. Speak to an Asian guy, Japanese guy, he'll go all in about it, jungle Asians. Karate and Palm trees. Yeah.

God didn't make this. You know what? Doesn't mix algebra and Panthers. I know it doesn't Yeah yeah I think if you I think if you stumble into a place Where Asian people

Aren't good with the stereotypes Like computers Encoding and whatever it is You're in a rough place Yes Oh yeah yeah Yeah well that's always the funny thing They don't fit the stereotypes

You're like oh fuck These ones are dangerous Yeah yeah yeah They're gonna make me play Russian roulette With my friend Yeah Jonathan's talking about Cambodians. And they are dangerous.

They are. John's being ignorant. He doesn't know the name. Shut the fuck up, John. We're going to end up in a dumpster in Chinatown with our genitals in our mouth because of you. I love when Allen does a racism. It sounds so from experience. Well, it's scientific.

It sounds like he's bad to every country. And he's like, no, this isn't even racist. I've done studies on this. This is how scientifically it works. in action films in every country. I have. Oh yeah, you are, but you like Sagan movies, right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, those are fun. Fine actor. So I'm a human. Yeah. I got two eyes and a soul, don't I? The best is still that video of him, the karate tournament, where he's just throwing everybody around, and he's like, that wasn't faked at all.

But he's like, really putting like zero effort in the guy's like that would work. No, he's pushing 285 there, maybe 3010. my 311 or something. He is a big boy. He is big and he's old. He's pushing 70. And he's just acting like he's the baddest man there is. Yeah.

There's a thing too with him. Didn't he have to make a bunch of movies because he owed the mob money or something? Probably. I can tell you everything. That is a rumor out there. Yeah. Yeah.

But there's also... He's not a lot of bad things. He's probably the worst guy that's ever acted. He's the worst human being that's ever been a movie star. What has he done? Well, he's apparently raped a few women. Oh, okay. And then there's a bunch of little sexual assault charges, you know, minor ones that aren't the big war.

He has a ponytail. It adds up. A lot of makeup girls have been groped. And, yeah, he's also best friends with a war criminal, too. He's friends with Putin. He's apparently doing something for Putin right now. Dude, you send me a rumor. What was the rumor? Because I really hope it's true.

That he's like the Minister of Defense for Putin right now. Oh, my God. That is so bad. He's so good. But he's so cocky that. He probably be like, I'm going to go out there myself. He just thinks that he's going to karate chop. He's an insane person.

There's a great video where someone's interviewing him about the other action stars of the 80s. And they're like, you know, could you beat them all in a fight? And he's like, of course. And they're like, but John Claude Van Damme knew how to kickbox. Do you think he could take you? And so I was like, can I laugh in your face? I've seen the video. He says, can I laugh in your face to like four different times, to four different guys?

Can I laugh in your face? We do have to wrap up. What do you guys want? Oh, well, first off, you're a fucking special. Yeah. That's right. One of the funniest comedy specials I've seen in like, oh, fuck, a very long time. I laughed out loud.

That's great. Everybody loves it. Yes. You guys should go watch my comedy special. Just Alan Fitzgerald, straight for pay on YouTube. Give it a like and a comment, too, if you like it, you know. That'd be great. And if you're having trouble finding it, go to the explaining show, YouTube, Instagram,

whatever, because that's where it is. Also, follow us at Explaining Show and follow me at Jonathan Tilsom. I'm at Fuck City, USA on Instagram and Twitter. But I don't give a shit about Twitter anymore. Twitter fucking blows.

You like threads? I don't like threads either. Yeah, threads is terrible. I'm so ready. Twitter's good for porn, though. I got to wrap up.