Morning Good - Top Shelf Tail - Episode 229

Episode Date: July 21, 2024

Dave Caggiano joins the show for the first time alongside Paddy Defino. They talk about post-assassination attempt conspiracies, Jeen-Yuhs (2022), and women who like dogs more than people. Big thanks to Dave for joining the show for the first time and thanks to Paddy for coming on again. Check out Paddy on most newer episodes of the show and hit their links below for more from both of them.Dave Caggiano is on Instagram @davecaggiano. Paddy Defino is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right. All right, sweet. So we're here with Dave Cajiano and Patty Defino. Did I say it right? Yeah. All right.

Sweet, awesome. This might be the most Italian-named episode. Yeah. Yeah. What were you saying about goon, what? Goo Lagoon. No, what is that? It's in SpongeBob.

It's like the area that they all go to the beach. It sounds like a great thing to call a woman's pussy. I was deep in the goon. That's what they were referred to. The Gou Lagoon. Bikini bottom in Gou Lagoon. Yeah, yeah. Gula goon is bad for a vagina.

That's an insult, but if you call it the Goon Lagoon, that means everyone's gooning all over that thing. Yeah, well, goo would be, if you goon, In the vagina. You just go full goon mode. In the vagina. I've never put just the tip of my... ACDC lyrics into a vagina.

What goon mode is. I've never, like, put just the tip of my dick into a vagina and then just, like, stroke the shaft. You'd have to have a good amount of shaft. That's honestly... The fact you just brought that up is like... Yeah. That you could do that?

I try to do the thing where I'm like, I'll just put just my tip in, but I'm like, oh, this is just anticipation for like an average penis. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a huge cock. You could be like, they're like, oh, you're not ready for this yet. But I put just a tip in.

And then yeah, you go to put the rest in it. It's like barely anymore. And you're like, well, hope that was, that was thrilling for you. Yeah. So what do you think about that?

Yeah. Somehow you like thrust in and less thick. Yeah. You know, it's like, it's like, have you, you remember those knives as a kid

where you stab and then the blade goes into the handle. It's like that. It's like that. You go into the vagina. Yeah, you're basically doing that trick. you did middle school with like the mechanical pencils

like on your skin. Just you see it poking out your own butt. It is funny that there's more dick inside your dick. You know this? That's what the the dick lengthening surgery is. Yeah, yeah. I just pulled. I wouldn't know but yeah. Yeah. There's more in there? It seems like just like the second phase of a circumcision. Yeah. Like it's there for us to to have. Yeah, it's almost like an alien kind of thing where

like there's more like you know there's a malice in there. It's like there's a smaller penis it comes out of your penis. It's essentially an iceberg. You're like 90% of it is below the surface. Yeah. You wouldn't know, but it's actually quite dangerous. Yeah, it's huge to go past the balls. That would be very unfortunate if it was like another

like five inches in there. Oh my God. But what if you don't know though and you get the dink like yeah, we did this. We only had half an inch left in there. It's not it mostly out of the. It actually made it smaller. The scar tissue is now built up. Smaller dick. Well, I don't know. All these jokes are fun, but we

just had an assassination attempt on maybe the greatest. Oh yeah. I want to, yeah, I'm filling in for, you guys supposed to have another comedian on, right? Thomas Crooks or something. He's doing a road gig in Pennsylvania or something like that. Happy to be here, though. Yeah, it's a real bummer about, yeah, that guy. About the guy. Yeah, that'll be a funny RIP.

You just start posting pictures of Thomas Crooks. You don't know him like I did. Yeah, that is got to be crazy when you like know somebody. Because like, okay, when somebody dies, you got to go on Facebook and be like, maybe this is just my self-absorbed self. But normally you post on your wall, you're like, a happy birthday,

you know, really been great to know you. Or like, since I'm so happy I got to, like, what happens when you know somebody who like did something? Like when they die, like his parents got to be bummed.

Or the terrible people. His parents didn't know. Like his, well, his parents didn't know that it happened until like later. Like they didn't know he was going. I mean, it's like just happened.

They posted like, thank God they got the shooter. Yeah. Trump 20, poor. And they're like, Dad, just spitting on a photograph for their dead son.

They're like, oh, that was our kid. Yeah. Yeah, I like the people that are saying that it's staged. I was with someone last night, a comic, and he was like, he was like, if you think about it, it's the perfect place to shoot him.

And I'm like, in the ear, like half an inch from his brain. Yeah, yeah, that would be, I'm like, no, no, no, you shoot it. That is a great point. You would choose like, I, when I first saw it was 50, 50,

but I also think 9-11 was staged. I'm a crazy person. No, it's staged. That's not like, it's definitely. I mean, he was like 100 yards away with a sniper rifle, and they were just looking at him and just let him shoot. I don't know. Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know. I think I would say there's a 70%, I believe 70% that it wasn't staged, but there was the 30% of me that's like possibly, but I don't know. The first thing I did after I found out that it happened was follow Alex Jones on Twitter. Yeah, immediately what I did. I love that he's back on there, dude. Yeah, it's great. He's a man.

He's been killing it. I sent you that awesome video of him where he's like, what does he say again? He's like, he's like, look, I've never had sex of the man before. I've never. And if I would, I'll be proud of it. I'll be proud I had sex of the man. I've had sex with 300 women. Never once a very round number. That's almost like he got to

300 and was like, I need a wife. I need to settle down. Dude, his wife is a fucking babe. I'm sure. I'm so into his. I'm also more into her because she's out. Conspiracy theory, women are so hot. Yeah. You come across him on Twitter. You're like, fuck yeah. Yeah.

Fake tib. It's, there's so hot. My favorite, there's a video of him. The mic's tight. Oh, beautiful, yeah. No, well, my favorite thing is there's a video of him talking to somebody else. And he's like, Tulsi Gabbard, getting here, babe. He, like, gets his wife in frame with some interviews.

He's like, Tulsi Gabbard, me and my wife want to have a threesome with you so bad. He's the man. He's the man. I just, I don't, like, I don't understand the people that see him and don't have a little bit of fun watching. Oh, my God. It's fucking amazing. Yeah, you have to be like a parent of a Sandy Hook victim. Yeah.

And you're like, I don't know. There's got to be one person. though it's like yeah i know i know but he's like fucking hilarious you gotta see the guy rip he reminds me of like uh that shark guy from uh what's it called um just the way his body looks is hilarious he looks like either like the juggernaut from x-men just his lack of neck he does have the juggernaut vibes yeah dude i feel like he could just run through a brick wall like it's huge yeah the best of that video of him in austin where like they closed the um they closed like barton springs or like one of the springs and then he like runs and like breaks a barricade and throws his barrels through

Yeah, and then just like drinks beer with everybody in the, it's like during COVID. He's like, you can't take away. All right to go swimming. Yeah. It's like, oh, it just hypes you up. I like, I like how hyped he gets about literally everything. Yeah, dude. He's like, he's like, you're closing a spring.

That's, yeah. Yeah. It's like Sandy Hook in this spring, that's local spring. Yeah. I would love him, dude. I would love to. He was, he was, dude, so he's, he's been doing lives on Twitter. And I clicked on it, the first thing he was talking about.

He was spats. about people needing to pay him money so he can keep fighting the good fight. He was like, and then he was like, he was like, he was like,

he was like, they run the show and they just kind of kick it to Alex when he wants to. So, like, yeah, yeah. Well, they're dealing with a complete lunatic. Right, right. It's,

they're corralling a schizophrenic, man. Right, but they, they, they're the lamest, he runs with the lamest crew. Yeah, they are pretty. It is. So, they're the only people left that will,

are like willing to do that, though. Yeah. You know what I mean? Um, that's who he has left. Not the only. ones. I mean, hey, I'm with you.

I'd go. I'd fucking off. Get me on there. I would love to have him on this. Oh, wait, sorry. You were saying. No, no. He was just spazzing about like how people need to like pay. He's like, he's like, I'm running out of money. Like, he's like, I have no money left. And then you kept kicking to them. They were like, so the president was set. And he'd be like, let me

interrupt you again. I need it. Like, I need money, guys. Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. We get it. You're poor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys, this is for the morning good listeners. Buy your supplements from InfoWords.com. You know, you've been in there, baby?

Yeah, yeah. Look, what's it called? It's like, fucking... Did his supplements, like, turn you into the shape he is? I'll be sick, dude. I start losing my neck, and I just start balding and just... Because when it comes to Alex Sheeran, or Alex, Alex Jones, I'm not really an Ed Shearren guy. I'm not in love with the shape of him.

I'm in love with the shape of Jones. My little brother, when he was a child, he was very funny. Like, one time my mom, like, told him, he's like, you know, the words you say can hurt you. and he was like peanut butter, ow. Like, just devastating. But he used to say, like, he's like, my dream. This was like, he was like five years ago. I'm going to scoot in, not because I like what you're saying.

I don't dislike it, but I just, I got to make sure I'm in frame. Come in here, me. Yeah. He would always say, like, oh, like, my goal in life is to be very fat and just roll around. That's awesome. That's kind of a beautiful. Still a good goal. Yeah, because people are like, I want to be an astronaut.

Like, whatever. No, people don't pick these niche things. Well, you always see fat people and they're always walking. And it's kind of like, why do that when you could just roll? They're one trip away from discovering their true side. You just went down the street and there was just like fat people rolling. That would be the fun of the funniest. I always said that about Alan Fitzgerald.

I'm like, if you ever, if Alan's ever like missing, just check the lowest point in Manhattan. He's probably just rolled down there. I like the idea of turning him over and using him like a hippity hop. Like somebody riding, Alan's back and just bouncing. It's like, juice. Blacks. Every time he hits the ground. Border Ricans.

But, no, I would love to have Alex Jones on this podcast and talk to zero. How fun would it be just to have him, like, talk about the 300 vaginas he's had sex with? Yeah, he loves women. It's awesome. Again, what's wrong with the guy? You know what I bet could have happened? I bet you banged 300 women got married and cheats on her, but now has to, like, keep the number of 300. I don't know. He's like so into

Christ. That's a good point. Yeah. He's like really, dude, just be so into Christ like, yeah, pussy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they said when Trump, uh, after the thing, they were like, yeah, he found God. I heard that, yeah. After getting shot? Yeah. Which I honestly, I kind of predicted that because I was like,

what if he gets shot and he's like, I'm gay now? Being gay is fine. Yeah. It's just a straight out of him. Like his politics completely switch. Yeah. Yeah. He said, the guy had a gun. Oh my God. It was so scary. We should get rid of those. Guns the scary.

It's funny too. It's like, dude, gun control just stopped becoming an argument. Have you noticed that? It's fucking, it used to be the biggest argument. People are coming around finally. Dude, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think they're cool as shit. But, uh... Well, that's the thing is who's against the guns, the liberals. And then a liberal

tries to shoot Trump. Right. And you go ahead. It's like, hey, maybe, you know, the glass is always half-full. Did you see that the kid was supposedly in a black rock commercial, like a year ago? You know, like, have you seen this? Oh, no. Yeah, they like film the Black Rock commercial in wherever.

Where is it, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania? He was like Butler. Bethel. Butler, yeah. They filmed one there and he was in the commercial. So now it's obviously he's working for Black Rock. I mean, I'm in. I'm in, I'm in.

I'm fully in. I'm in anything I'm in. I'm not even joking. This is, it is insane. Like, well, my brother brought up the point of this. He's like, I bet you somebody tried to, I bet you this is a 50th assassination attempt on him. Yeah. I bet you there's so many.

I bet you they find people with guns at every one of those rallies, but they don't want to tell people because then people are like, I don't want to go to a fucking rally if I know it's going to get shot. Yeah, it's weird because they said

they spotted him early. They're like, this guy's suspicious. Yeah. Yeah. And the guy with the AR-15 on that building. I don't know.

Yeah, we'll wait to see what he does. Hold on. The hard part about him too, though, because he's such a, because he's a Republican, you can't be like no guns allowed at our rallies.

No. So it's kind of a tough situation. Yeah. Because you're like, oh no, do you believe in the first? I think they could still be like, I don't know. Like, you talk to gun people. They're really like, uh, like, they don't want it taken away from them in any, like anywhere. Yeah. The funniest thing about it being staged if they did, like they were trying to intentionally shoot him in the ear. And then the kid just missed and

fucking blew his head off. Like, if you ever fucked up at work and been like, oh my God, I'm going to get in so much trouble. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're the guy that's like, you're supposed Nick Trump and you just blow it and you're like, fuck. I'm so fucked right now. Yeah, that's why. Yeah, I would, if I was like, if someone like approached me and was like, we need you to shoot the president and then we're going to kill you. But like, you're not going to kill the president. You're just going to nick them. I'd be like, okay. And then like when I'm looking down that barrel, I'd be like, I might as well just fucking.

This is too easy. I might as well stir things up a little. This is my last thing. I do, you know. My favorite is my buddy used to call me once a day and he would say this. Every time he'd call me, this is like in middle school and high. We go, hey, what's up, man? Good to see you, Michael.

I'm going to kill the president, by the way. I'm going to kill the president, Barack Obama. And you just hang up the phone. Every conversation, you'd be like, okay, we're meeting over here for like beers or whatever. We're going to start off at Tommy's house. Okay, sounds good. He's like, sounds good, man.

I'm going to kill the president, by the way. My name is so, so. It would freak me out every time because I'm going to be in a list. But it does show you that. That would socky's incriminating you. It's all just a big plot. Oh, yeah. Because if he kills the president, you can't be the guy in the news.

It's like, we never expected anything. Yeah, they was going to be. They were serious. Yeah. Yeah. We, uh, it was such a crazy day to have that happen because like we literally saw Despicable Me 4. Yeah.

Yesterday. Like right before it happened. Have you gone to like a 40X movie? No. So the, I didn't know this. I bought the tickets. I thought it was just 3D. And we get in there and it's like, it's like a roller coaster.

Is this? Oh, I've been, I've been in like, like, universal or whatever and I was younger. Is that? Yeah. It's like you sit in. the chair and the chair like moves around and I didn't realize how much everything moved around. So like I had like sweatpants on and I'd like a thousand things in my pocket. Yeah.

AirPods are flying out. Dude, as soon as it starts, my AirPods flew out into the aisle and just like spread across the aisle. And I'm like just watching him because I'm like I can't get out of this chair right now. We're in like a car chase. Also what's just what despicable me? Like what were they doing? Like, what was the movie? Yeah, dude, the minions.

They're a handful. It'd be great to see the Trump assassination documentary in a 4DX theater. Yeah. Well, they'll do crazy shit, bro. I saw the beekeeper, and he's punching people in the face and the chairs are shaking as if you're the guy getting. I watched Godzilla. They were dragging a body and the chairs were moving like that. I was like, there's no reason to do this.

I'd love to go see Schindler's list in that theater. Oh, they fucking gas it up, bro. Yeah. They just get it sprays the weights with the world. We're really getting really sleepy. Yeah. The Trump supporters are the minions in a way. You see how they're like dressed and everything?

Yeah. Big glasses. Dude, did you see the guy? If there was the guy, he had like a Trump, it looked like a visor with hair sticking up. Yeah. That was the funniest thing.

The most monumental interview of 2024 with like hard evidence about like this being a conspiracy and he's just wearing like a guy fierry Trump hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's red hair spiking out of it. He's like, yeah, man, it was really scary. They're having fun. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm out.

Take the hat off, funny. Dude, you know what I realized? We might not have a chance to go to a Trump rally again because once he's president, he's not going to go on rallies, will he? Oh, yeah. He's not stopping, dude? You think he's going to run fifth term? Oh, my God.

Yeah. I have a feeling like... He does rallies during his president. Okay, because I almost went to one in college and sold out. I want to check it out. I feel like they're not as fun as we'd hoped. We'd hope. Yeah.

Like, I feel like there's... The people there probably do suck. Like, it's not like all... fun times. I think the fun Trump supporters are the ones who never even say that they support them. Like, they don't even own a hat or a shirt. They're just like, guys like us. Dude, I will say this is funny because I've never, I mean, who gives a fuck? I never voted for him. And I'm, I wasn't planning on voting this election. When he got shot, it was like one of those things where I was like, everybody's like, well, now he's going to win the presidency. And I was

like, well, it's weird that that makes you want to vote from. But immediately I was like, I want to vote. I went from. not voting, like, I want to vote for him. Yeah, I mean, if he comes out to many men at his next debate, it's game over. He's the coolest guy alive. Also, it would have been so funny if the shots are going off and everyone in the

audience started just fucking blind firing their guns. Just being like, you know, it's a drunk rally. It was all popping off. Yeah. There's like 150 casualties. Well, that was like the, my favorite, was the Dan Bolzarian one with that one Las Vegas shooting happened. Yeah. Dan Bilzarian,

there's a video even running a live stream. He's like, I'm running it back to. my hotel to get my guns. It's like, dude, if the cops come and just, they're going to think you're the shooter. He asked, he asked the cops for a gun. He's like, I'm, he walked up, he like ran up to a cop and was like, I'm a good guy. Give me your gun. Dude, he is awesome. They were awesome. They just fucking blasted him. They're like, just for that question. Yeah. Is he still getting pussy? Yeah, he doesn't stop. Yeah, he doesn't stop. He won't stop. Can't stop. He's like the least, uh, interesting person who I think gets the most pussy. Yeah, but I also

wonder like, uh, yeah, yeah, it is fascinating. He's just built like a, is he the first iteration of those internet guys that, dude, he kind of was the original Andrew Tate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that like, he wasn't as like, uh, this is what you gotta do, though. Yeah, yeah, just like,

look how fucking chill my life. He's more like, you could never do this. Yeah. He's just like, look how cool I'm power bombing a porn star off a roof. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Every time I, I see him, I think of like the guy from sons of anarchy who looks like,

a big bad wolf, whatever that guy's name is. The older guy? The guy used to be Hellboy. Well, they both have long heads. Yeah, they do have long heads. That guy's got a long head. That guy's got a long head. That guy has got golf on Twitter. He's like, I fucking hate Donald Trump.

I know. I watch you kill so many Mayans. How dare you? Literally. Nobody hates immigrants more than that character. Yeah. Well, it's, it's, yeah, that stuff's funny too. I think, you said, all my favorites, the Baldwin one.

There's a video of the Baldwin trial. Let me just pull this up. Can you guys keep the momentum going real quick? Yeah, I like Baldwin. Bald, hairless. It's something very sad. What's the guy's name, that actor from Sons of America? It's something very sad about a big old man like that,

just being so angry about actually anything. Yeah, I forget his name. I really appreciated the acting that he did on Saturday Night Live, and I really appreciate his politics. you told one of the witnesses who disagreed with you during an interview that you thought Mr. Baldwin was a cock sucker. I do not recall saying that. People who can't see the video, Alec Ball was just like looking down while this woman on the stand is saying great things about him.

And it goes, you said to an interview that Alec Baldwin's a cock sucker and his head just pops up. He's like, what? Fuck? What does bitch say? Why? No, I just think it's a funny video. But I love it just playing a video and nobody can see it.

Yeah, he got very attentive. Yeah, I don't know. With his whole, so he's like off. He also, I will say this, I don't think he did anything that bad. No, I'm with you. He got so much of the- He got so much shit, but I kind of- They should have used him in the Trump assassination.

Yeah, he fucking popped off. Yeah, well, my thing is I don't like Alec Baldwin. So the second he did something bad, I was like, fucking. And let's not, like, Alex Baldwin for sure has, like, murdered people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. like in that environment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, dude, he drowns prostitutes in his hot tub. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. Let me attach 30 rocks

to your legs to throw you into the East River. Yeah, he's too, fucky, there's no way he's not doing horrible shit. Yeah.

Him and his brothers. Yeah. He always kind of like, every time I saw him, he looks like a bad guy. One hundred percent. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And that usually turns out to be true. Like, Spacey. when he saw a Spacey or like that guy is evil. Space is coming back. He is.

Space is coming back. Also, did he do? What did you do? Bang the couple 17-year-old? I don't even know if he banged. I think he was like grabbing cocks. He grabbed a couple cocks.

There was one where he was jerking off at the saving private Ryan like D-D seen apparently. Oh, yeah. But who? But who? Yeah. Who hasn't thought about that?

He saw the Schindler's list episode to Seinfeld where he like makes out during Chandler's list, he's like, I can want up this. Yeah. I'm going to come during saving private. Yeah. Yeah, that used to be such a funny thing in high school because you're like, you're so horny and you're like next to your like high school girlfriend. Oh, yeah. Just like something on TV that like you should be paying your respect.

Yeah. Yeah. And all you can think of that. Getting head to a Rosa Parks documentary. Yeah. Yeah. Your grandmother's funeral, you're like, I'm so chubbed up right. Yeah. Yeah. I think I got ahead and Pirates of the Caribbean, one of them. Well, dude, you got to be careful. You don't get crabs.

Nice. Hey, guys, news for bed. Check out Patty's podcast. That's why he's like that. He's coming back. I keep seeing like those, you know, when they make like things on Facebook about like fake movies? What do you mean?

Like, it's like they use like AI to make like, they'd be like, oh, the new Pirates of the Caribbean is coming out. But you can meet, I've never seen one of those recently and thought it was real. Every time it gets me every time. You're like, wow, Robin Williams is alive. They're making Miss Doubtfire too. Crazy. The poster is right here.

I guess I can't not believe it. Robin Williams has sex in Mrs. Doubtfire and ice. Yeah. Dude, he was like, I always thought he was so funny. Some people didn't like him. He was really, really loved him. I think like his standup, people would see that. and they'd be like,

what is he doing? His dad was kind of edgy. People forget. Yeah. Do you watch videos with stand-up, but he has like necrophilia jokes and stuff like that. Ooh,

it's dead, but I said, when I touch it? Don't touch the body. It's dad. Ron. Yeah, I,

good guy. Apparently he was like a horrible father. Oh, of course. I don't know. I will, I will, there is always those people

where somebody dies and everybody just starts talking, I have no idea what's accurate. You know, Joe Rogan is a whole, he's got to be a horrible father. Hey.

Yeah. We don't say one negative. We don't, we don't, we don't even, we don't even, we don't, we don't not jerk off the pictures.

There's a picture of him in the room. Mike still wants to get Rogan and Alex Jones on this. So yeah. Just lay off. But you shut your fucking liberal pussy. I was telling Michael I have like this really, the other day I was like really cracking up like imagining.

This is the funniest thing of the world. Joe Rogan at like the end of his. day and he's like in his room and his wife is just like on the bed like reading like a magazine and he's just like at the foot of the bed like taking like his little pants off and he's like really little he's like wow we had the we had the craziest day today she can get us trying to tackle me and i kicked them right in the leg his wife's like that's great joe it's a little ball of energy and then Elon Musk showed up i didn't even expect them and we were all there we were at the mothership and we were drinking and smoking pot just like all right

That's great. She just puts him in a Camorra. She lays him down to sleep. He's just like standing back at like an Ironman thing is like removing his clothes from him. Dipping him in an ice tank. And then Ben Shapiro, he comes up and, oh, we started rasim.

I gave him a nuggy. Yeah. Well, it's, I think we've talked about it so many times, but it's very funny that like, like, he's one of those, it's like so many comics like you can make fun of anything. Yeah. And you make one joke about Rogan.

People are like, like I was in Austin I was just goofing around I was joking about like how like first time I went to Austin I had like a terrible time and I blamed it on

I was joking but I was like I got tonsillitis and I was going through a breakup I was like Rogan's full of shit I made out with Rogan I got strap yeah yeah sucks but I was just blaming shit

that had nothing to do with him like clearly as a joke people were like don't do that and I was like well that guy's for joking about anything so that's the problem that's everyone in Austin

thinks they're gonna be on Rogan like everyone here like dude no. You can talk a little shit, it's okay. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's also like, there's usually like goofing. Like, I genuinely think he's done like a crazy amount of good for Kyle. Yeah, of course, yeah. Yeah, I have no, I think you guys are great.

But I'm still gonna, I'm gonna make fun of everybody. All while not understanding a single joke somehow, which is actually pretty impressive. If you ask me. Yeah. No, no one's ever done more for comedy and not understood comedy. He should like pivot into like magic. He should become like a magician. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And just like have like a long cape. Instead of having these scientists. on. You should have like all magicians.

Yeah. That's crazy. It's just like, how did you do? Yeah. Wait, wait. There's a lot of evidence suggesting card tricks actually can improve your health. You're telling me you pull a rabbit out of a hat? How does it even work? Yeah. Neil deGrasse Tyson on debating a magician. He's like, this is fake. This is how he prove him wrong. He could literally saw himself in half, though, and be the same size. Yeah. I would love, I, I wish that happened more. in life where these people who had like profound careers were then just like magician i'm going to get

into like model model airplanes something yeah random that happens to like actors a lot where they they just run out of shit to do like frankie munez is like a NASCAR driver now really yeah yeah they just run out of formula one i saw an article and it was like you can start over at any point frankie munez is a race car driver it's like yeah he had millions of dollars in his career ended at age 20 like obviously he can do anything he wants now. Yeah. You can't, I can't just be like,

yeah, I'm gonna quit this and go be a fucking F1 driver. And now finally, Marty Wolf can't catch him. Right. Yeah, yeah.

Well, it's funny to you because he's 14. That's my favorite line in that movie. Which one? And you took, you stole an idea from a 13 year old boy.

Oh, yeah. He's 14. Yeah. Paul Giamani. Oh, dude, I remember as a kid, I just, dude,

Manda Binds was my crush. I was like, she's funny, she's talented. And then, like, it actually breaks my heart to see her. Not because

I know her, but I'm like, she was my crush. She's even hotter now, honestly. I like him a little weathered. Now she's kind of like that, what's it called? Like manic pixie dream fat girl or something? Dude, she's like, fentanyl chick. But now she's attainable.

You know what I mean? I know, but now I, like in my mind, I am a crazy person. My mind, there's still part of me that's like, well, maybe one day I could have sex with Amanda Bynes. Imagine that's like the only way she can like see the dancing lobsters again. Helicrous amounts of fentanyl. Hallucinations.

And everyone's like, Amanda, please. Stop doing fentanyl. I think I just solved this all. Yeah. I'm going to score a bunch of fentanyl go out to Hollywood and have sex with Amanda Binds. It's really doable. Bego, can I get an autograph? I got a fucked out of fentanyl.

You want to go me back by hotel? Yeah, I mean, I guess you could do that. Yeah, I would be very upset with you if you fucked Amanda Bines and didn't marry her after. She's, yeah, it would be like the worst thing. Well, it's also one of those things, too, where it's like, uh... Because that's how you marry Amanda Bines. You trick her with fentany. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You blow it in her face. That'd be funny while she's nodding off. Like, instead of, like, being a sex criminal, I like, in a low per in a wedding. Like, I just weekend at Bernie's her. You just pitch her sketches is really what you got. Okay. Fucking. Yeah.

That was a great show, the Amanda show. Oh, it was amazing. She was, like, very self-aware. Was that Schneider? I think so. Yeah. Snyder was, yep. Oh, that, dude.

But clearly he doesn't have fucking any taste in women or kids because he never went for. We should just, you know, we should do. Yeah. Amanda. Both Harvey Weinstein and Dan Schneider should be allowed to return to cinema. But they, we should force them to have sex first. With each other. with each other.

Oh, nice. And if they can, like, if they can get together and, like, look each other and I and be like, they might become more powerful, dude. Yeah, they morph into one,

fat, fat, yeah, he's the final. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you want this part.

Yeah. With the movies that he puts out, it puts out, are just, despicable me five. Yeah. What's funny to do, because, like,

if you were a, uh, pedophile, if you're a pedophile, the last person you want to have sex with is a fat, the fat old man. Exactly. That's the exact opposite of like a...

Oh, of your clientele. Dare I say, good looking child? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's the penance. God's the biggest penis I've ever seen. I don't know what to do. Who?

If you're having such another grown man, that's the biggest penis. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's like, this is the opposite of Drake Bell. That's like a horror movie. That's like the alien and a horror movie.

Yeah. But I think the Dan Snyder thing was weird. He didn't like, he actually did not get accused of like fucking mine. He like, he just was like weird with the camera and like kind of like, he was like just like lots of feet stuff. Yeah, according to that documentary.

Yeah, that's a good point. The documentary is probably produced by Dan Schneider. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be said their end. At the end, yeah, it's like, who knows? Well, it's also funny too because like the horrible guy was the pickle guy from Wild now, Brian Peck. Oh, really?

He was just like brutally raping Drake Bell. The point where he's like, imagine the worst thing you can do to somebody's like, that's what they're doing to me. Yeah. But I mean, if you now, thank God he produced so much good music afterwards. So, I mean, you listen to Drake Bell's music. You're like, wow, this is, it's pretty good. Dude, if you're not, it's not, it was brutally molested. If you had to consume art, if you had to consume art of only, like, uh, like sex criminals in what you'd have a great catalog to pick from.

You could listen. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, if you're on an abandoned island, they're like, you can only listen to music that has sex. It's just like, well, then I'm, Michael Jackson, you're watching Woody Allen movies. You're watching Nickelodeon. Like, it's a pretty good. You have an ample catalog and it's all good. I like the word ample when it's used somewhere other than a bosom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's nice. Well, and every rock star basically ever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because that was like par for the course, right? Yeah, yeah. That's why I'm never going to make it too respectable to the ladies.

Start having sex with kids. Not because you're not a pedophile. If you respect their bad. I have respectful. No, it's cool. You know, do you think pedophile is texting nervously? Kids, like, do you want to come over my place? all good if not.

A self-conscious pedophile. He's like, no, my bad. Ha, ha, ha, you know? Dude, I wish I didn't send text. Like,

the amount of time to say all good if not when texting comedy books is fucking insane. Yeah, people like shit too, we're like, yeah, like, hey, would love to like,

uh, would love for the opportunity. Sorry for reaching out. Yeah. I'll kill myself if you want me to. Yeah. Yeah, you should be like,

and if, and no is not an option. I do not accept that as an option. Yeah. Yeah, the I think he'd Cuddy banged Amanda Bines for a little bit. Yeah. He had a kind of perfect time. He's got that in that song.

Who want to know about me in a man to band to binds? Band, please. Yeah. And then he just talks about begging all kinds. He's like, bang all kinds of other different races of girls. Yeah, I bet he had a lot of sex. I think he had the most loving sex. dude.

He probably, like, the moon was shining and he was, like, crying a little bit, dude. Yeah, yeah, he's just like, mm. Oh. She was probably so annoyed by him. She's like, fucking talk about his feelings and being sad. She's like, dude, I'm trying to suck the skin off your day.

Yeah. Like, she's way above him on like the free club. Oh, for sure. And he's just like, oh, whoa. Is Mr. Rager about his penis? Tell me where you're going. I'm all funny.

Yeah. Mr. Ray. What a, what a giant, like two really good albums and then just decades of garbage. Yeah. It wasn't until he reunited with the good graces of Kanye. Dude, him and Kanye. Kanye has been quite weirdly silent on this issue.

What's going on? On what issue? The Trump assassination. Yeah, I haven't heard Jack. Yeah, I don't know. Where is he at? I am kind of curious about this. She's still in Saudi Arabia making an album in the desert?

Maybe. I bet he, like, turns his phone off for, like, long stretches. Because when he goes crazy on Twitter It's like he hadn't It's like he had so much stuff Penta Probably just turns his phone on one day It explodes

Yeah Do you think he ever like has like a emotional hangover from like Do you think he was just like Ah, I say all that I don't think he has that awareness I think like with people like him Their brains operate like

Very very highly in certain aspects And then some aspects It's just non-existent Yeah yeah Well that is the genius thing is really with him because like obviously he's a musical genius. I think I may have been talking to somebody else about this. I think I was talking to you about it, right, Jake?

Yeah. I was talking about how like, Jake brought up that great point where it's like, it's like everything's that just because you're a genius and one thing doesn't mean you can't just be retarded in like a thousand other categories. It's not like just because you're genius here, everything where you said. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like a genius is just a mind that's more focused. Like on less tasks. Well, you could give a genius the other thing. I love to give a genius, put him in a music laboratory. And his music is just like,

da, da, da, da. Like, you take the, that's the smartest. Yeah, he tries talking about other stuff and you're like, dude, you're making no sense. Did you watch the documentary? The genius. No, no, no. Oh, it's unbelievable. You started to.

It's him just because he was so good at making beats that people, like, had to come to him. And it's him just hijacking people's time. It's like, Jay-Z coming to him to meet a beat. And he's like, by the way, while we're here, also, I'm going to, you need to listen to me, Acapella rap to you for 10 minutes straight. That's awesome. And just holds them hostage. It's fucking great.

That's, that's a, yeah. Yeah. I like the whole Magnus Carlson thing What? Yeah, it doesn't anything. Who's Magnus Carlson? The chess player? The greatest chess player in the world.

I thought Andrew Tate's dad is the greatest chess player in the world. No, he's the greatest chess player in the world. He knows how to work them ditties. It's really funny when Andrew Tate says the N-Word and I forget that he's a black guy. Boob to my mouth. We were watching the greatest thing. We've talked about us in the podcast.

for sure, but the video of Pierce Morgan playing chess against Andrew Tate. And it's so funny because they're on the littlest table. It's like the tiniest table. But they're both saying, what are they saying? Every move, they say something like political. Andrew Tate's just like, you know, chess reflects life and then like takes one of his pieces. He's like, you think it's misogynistic? And he'll just like move and it'll be like, life is misogynistic.

Morgan's fucking unbearable. Yeah. You don't need such a British. Shut up. Yeah. Yeah. What did he do before? Wasn't he like on America's Got Talent or something?

I don't know. He was on like a TV show, right? And then he got like his own. Yeah. Well, he's also like one of those guys too were like he, he's like, he's like a center left guy. So he's like got like some interesting like reasonable perspectives, but just annoying. He's just always yapping about something. I wouldn't mind like him as much if he lost his hair.

Like those older guys keep that full head of hair. Oh, he began writing for the tabloid the same. son or you began at the sun was appointed editor of the news i think owned by uh robert maxwell jillane's oh really i'm pretty sure yeah it's a british tabloid yeah i think the son is yeah that's that's that's maxwell he's fine cia i'm i told you i'm in on every conspiracy now i just makes things more fun we were talking about i was talking about like the idea of like what are the presidential elections because i was just randomly today i was like yeah i don't think any of it's real i think it's all theater i think it's all there's all there's

no real elections or anything like that. Because like, but he brought up the good point that's like, I don't know. He just doesn't think that's true. But like the thing I don't really necessarily believe it's like if almost every single political figure is like they will always admit that they will sacrifice individual freedoms for the good of the people. AKA more power for them. Yeah, but I'm saying.

But even in argument, like they will openly say like, yes, you should have less rights if we save everybody. Both Republican and Democrat. Trump was like, we'll shut the country down for COVID. Yeah. He said that. And then Democrats would be like, you gotta get the vaccine.

Yeah. For everyone's safety. Right. Yeah. So if they're openly saying that, why would they not behind closed door? Why would they believe that people should have the right to vote?

Like, if you're openly saying, I don't believe people should have the freedom to do something. I just think the, I just think the elections just don't, it doesn't matter who's in office. That makes more sense. You know,

like it's real. The election is real. It just doesn't matter. Yeah. You know, you know, they've made it. Instead of rigging an election,

you just rigged so that it doesn't matter who wins it. You know what I mean? Yeah. But, you know, we're going to be fine. Yeah, we're going to be. Everything's going to be fine. We do need a, I've been reading a lot about the American Revolution, and they fucking revolted for so much less than they rolled it for like a 3% tax on tea.

And like, they were like, no, fuck it. We're like, we're going to take on the biggest army in the world. Yeah. But wasn't it also, too, like I've talked about this before on the podcast, but I think like the drinking back then was like everybody was really fucked up. Oh, yeah. fucked up like 23. I'm trying to do,

yeah, I was trying to do like this whole video about that. They would just get fucked up and then Sam Adam, he would just get everyone fucked up and then like,

sick them on whoever he wanted. They would just be hammered. Yeah, the Boston Masker was just a bunch of drunk dudes throwing snowballs like at one British guy. Yeah, and then it turned into like the biggest thing. I want to bully a British,

doesn't that? Can we do that? Can we invite a British guy here and just pick on them? You can go up to like one of those like guards who can't move and just be like, fucking pussy.

And they can't do shit. That sounds like you won't do shit. You can't touch him though, right? You can just say anything. You can't touch him. You could fart. Dude,

you could get you in 50 of your fattest friends and go fart. Surround him and fart. Yes. It sounds so much fun. Just Dutch oven. Yeah.

Maybe it's a pink word. She's like, yeah, baby. The queen! Cheese, Gromit. It is funny like England's like greatest

export as Wallace and Cromwell. Yeah. Like what else have they given us? Way better than the Beatles, honestly. Way better than any of them. Yeah, the Beatles. I never got into the Beatles. And I'm such a big Tame Impala fan.

It is a mystery to so. Were they influenced by the Beatles or something? A lot of people said that they sounded like the Beatles, but I didn't. I didn't hear it at all. I don't like... I just refuse to listen to Tame and Pollock because every annoying person from L.A. I know is like loves them.

And I get it. It is good. It is unfortunate. It's like when I was in high school, I started smoking weed and I like discovered them. And like me and all my friends. It's him. There's one guy, right? Yeah, it's one guy.

But them as the band. Okay. And like since then, now it's like everywhere. Like it's in like a target. Yeah. Yeah. It's like so popular. Yeah.

It's like cooler elevator music. Yeah. In a way, you know. Yeah. I vibe with it though. It kind of reminds me a little bit of like. I don't know, in like 2009 to like 2013, there was like great indie music, kind of like, kind of kid cutty, MGMT, the guerrillas.

That's sort of like, I don't know what you describe it, like just indie sort of like. Electronicy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, this is just a great. And they're kind of, there were way later, but they kind of have that vibe. Yeah, Tame and Paula, the album, Lonerism had such a like, because I've always been like a very, like, introverted person. Yeah, a completely alone wolf, loser, just societal reject.

So like failures and AR fit. You're the prime. Dude, if guns didn't scare me, if guns didn't succeed, dude, but you got to think about that guy, like you got to think about like an angry liberal, you know, like they're sitting there looking at this big juicy cock

and they're like, that's not a cock. That's a pussy. And then what follows that is race. You're saying when you This is the team impala song You're saying when you is referring to Bangin a Trans? This is like why someone would shoot a Republican

Because they look at a penis and call it a vagina They look at their own penis Yeah And they say that that ain't no penis You don't be an interesting I'm gonna take this take Instead of you know there's trans women Trans women aren't women

Whatever you feel about that I'm gonna go say men are women and women are men Just fight for the titles to be different big No I think that women women and men are men or men are women. I think maybe there should be like a Juneteenth day like that where we free where we swap trans slaves. Yeah we all swap gender. Yeah no thank you. I'm keeping mine. We all swap genders. Yeah. And then like we can finally kiss in the

apartment. Yeah. It's too shix-s me. It's cool. Yeah. It's not gay. Walk around with my tits out. Yeah. I'll feel. That is a funny idea. Yeah. Yeah. We swap so. We swap so we know. you have to swap to know what it's like. That's one thing we'll never know is how will we get dumber though overnight? That's the problem Well, there's a lot of...

I think honestly You have to go around bashing each other in the head. Well, the hard part is going to be your IQ not being able to admit I'm wrong because I love admitting I'm wrong when I'm a womanized against the law I mean, I do that day.

But this is why we learn. Yeah, yeah. The nice thing is we get to spend hours in the salon getting done up. Ooh, that sounds nice. That would be fun. Just you and me on the eve. That would be nice.

We should. do that. Yeah, you and me on the eve of Poon team. Yeah. I like that idea. We just got the foil over our head. Yeah, that's a good point. Why do black guys get to be women with the whole barbershop?

Barbershop. But white guys, we don't get to do that. Damn, bro. If they heard you say that. Last week I said every black guys. I just like, it's so fun to just say things you know are just like the opposite of what people want to hear because I don't know.

It's just very funny to say all black guys are gay because clearly it's not true. They do sit around. Yeah, they go to a barbershop. They gossip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fun. Yeah. Yeah, and they do spend some time.

Yeah. But that would be nice. I would like to, you know, to sit down with my boys, get a little pedicure. Yeah. Talk it back. Just have our iced coffees that we carry around all day. And just, once again, never admit we're wrong. I was telling you this.

I saw a woman step on a dog's tail the other day and apologized to it for three minutes. And I was like, I've never gotten an apology that much. And I, and that dog doesn't speak English. That dog has no idea what it's saying, and I've never gotten that sincere. They viscery react to that squeal. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, women don't like men. No.

Yeah, I don't know. I was on a date with one recently. She said she hates men. I think I told you about this. That's happened multiple times. They hate that they love. Yeah, they hate that they like men. She said she was reading a book called How to Date Me When You Hate Men,

but I feel I like genuinely love women. Like, I'm not a... They're fun. They're always trying to have fun. Yeah, that's what they want to do. Unless they're like Nancy Pelosi. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That ain't a woman. But it's like, I was that day was girl. I was like, no, I fucking love chicks. Like, I love women, like, genuinely with a passion. That's like almost so hard to get late. Oh, yeah. Trying so hard to fuck. I fucking want you, right?

Yeah, yeah. I love you so much. I would love to sniff your underwear. Nothing will stop. Yeah. I'm loving them. But I don't know. I, like, obviously didn't stop me from doing to have sex with her.

But, um, try my way and succeeding. But, um, also it's like one of those things where it's like I don't know I'm like it's just so weird to me she's like I have no guy friends like I have female friends I don't know my friend was telling me he went on a date with a girl and she was telling him how she broke up with her ex-boyfriend because he was a 9-11

truther it was like her fiance and she found out like a month before the wedding and broke up because he was like a 9-11 conspiracy guy and then they hooked up and in the middle of having sex she stopped him and was like I can't do this you're too experienced and it's like you can't want to have sex with virgins,

but not a 9-11 truth or not. You know what I mean? There's like too much overlap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes zero sense. Well, yeah. If you want to have sex with virgins, though, you should do 9-11.

That's not a bad idea. Yeah. Well, I think like, that's the whole point. Very valid point. Valed point. Would you think about this? Would I do 9-11?

If you were guaranteed. 47 of the top shelf. 72, dude. 72. 72. Top shelf tang. Would I? No. No? I know I'm supposed to be a fun podcast or be like, even if you do. But this is when it comes. When it comes. They need to be slutty virgins

somehow. You know what I mean? When it comes to this kind of topic, I'm going to be serious. I like this fucking country. And there's no way I would give up any American lives for any amount of post. Norm used to have a joke about that. be like, yeah, there was a woman who, like, the Saudi prince bought this girl's virginity for $2 million. For just the price of $2 million, you can have the worst sex of your life. It's also funny because why are you buying pussy in Saudi Arabia? Isn't rape, like, legal, basically?

Yeah, yeah. Aren't their goats? Yeah. Yeah, I wonder, do you think guys that are into bestiality have, like, a preference for, like, specific? Like, do you think they're like, this is a hot dog? As long as it's a female like dog or animal, you don't want to be gay. You know what I mean? I'm not having sex with a male dog.

I'm not gay. Yeah, no, I get that, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's got to be warm, blood. We don't have those on this podcast. Only cool guys that fuck sexy dogs, dude. Honestly, you're fucking dogs that aren't hot. You don't even get on this podcast.

Yeah. Only guys that pull the top shelf tail. Tail. There we go. Anyways, you were, sorry. I was going to say it has to be warm blooded. You know, like, you. lizards, no like steaks.

Yeah. Looking at you with those cold eyes. Well, the answer is always like, okay, if you're fucking animal, everybody obviously says like a chimp because it's like closest to humans. But chimp looks like a guy to me. That's a good point. Also, if you want to fuck animals, why would you want to fuck something that's close to a human? When you want to get like as far away as possible?

That's a great point. Dude, I'd want a hedgehog. Yeah. A parrot because it can be, this is pretty good. This is pretty good. I'm consenting. Right. Right.

Yeah, I couldn't afford pepper spray, so instead I got a rape pair. He just flies around and screams rape when something's up. Anytime a man approaches. Rat, rape. Call the authorities, rat. Well, fucking, Rasina has that great joke about, like, horses having great asses. And, like, I kind of get, like, so you see a horse race, that horse has a fulking. That's a dangerous ass.

You got to approach with caution. Yeah, yeah. Because if one, if you're not, if there's not enough foreplay, dude, you get kicked through the state. It's basically a Latino. It's like, it's nice, but you got to be careful. Yeah. Yeah.

They'll cut you. They'll hurt you. They'll fucking hurt you. Yeah. And they both love beating hay. I don't know. I'm trying to try for a second, uh, between Latin women and horses. That is funny too, because like, obviously you can't call black people monkeys?

But can you call Latino? Like, there's no, there's no stereotype of other people being other animal. I would wager to know. Asian people are so fucking turtles. Like, can you start doing that? Can we start that racial stereotype that Asian guys are just turtles? Because of their wisdom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That one from Conccoo Panda. Yeah, yeah. What animals are Asian people? It's here from you, Patty. My heart says pandas. Interesting. That's a classic. But they're too good at baseball.

We all know a panda could not. Never. They don't have the fine motor skis. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to have to go with like a capuchin monkey. What's an animal that's like organized and good at math? Is there,

do there any animals? Dolphins maybe? Decent. Yeah. Smooth. Smooth. Smooth. Smooth.

Communicate with. Sounds. You know? There's something there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny because no matter what animal Asians are, they're going to. eat them. I'll open your eyes lighten up when you get for this.

There's been years of doing your podcast where you say jokes into the camera that you looked into my eyes. They're going to eat them. That's the key. I never actually say anything funny. I just make the eyes. Yeah, I don't know. I think would you eat a, I think I would eat.

I don't know. I have really weird morals. I would eat basically anything besides a human. And the only reason I don't want to eat a human because I don't know if I don't like humans. Yeah. I would have to know that it's good. If it's not good,

I'm like, why did I eat this art bark? You know? I think a monkey might fuck me up. Yeah, dude. I think you'd have like an internal moral quandary. I don't think there's anything wrong with eating. Actually,

I don't think there's anything right with eating animals by doing anyways. Like in theory, I'm like, there's no real logic behind why. But like, I've never like looked at a chicken and saw like a soul in its eyes, you know. Oh, I have. A monkey.

You can see like a. I mean, there's certain people that, don't have, I'm opposed to eating people as a whole, but there's certain individuals, I'd be like, definitely. Yeah, what if there was like a Brooks barbecue thing set up where you got to eat like a sliver of Jeffrey Dahmer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's dangerous because you can't eat animals that eat other animals.

Oh, because you get mad cow disease or whatever. Exactly. You get trigonosis, so you can't eat Dahmer. Trigonosis. Yeah, I don't know. But I'd have a slice of Dahmer. yeah well i think i think i'm trying to think about this because it's like yeah i don't know i mean

that caffeine is finally wearing off you know hey fucking 50 minutes in i'll fucking take it yeah we're not we're not wrap it up we're we're reaching another 10 minutes of pure gold did you see that guy who came on that woman in the grocery store oh yeah yeah he was i mean it's a chappelle bit yeah it's just wearing a shirt that says it's not going to lick itself i didn't know that wait he jerked off on a woman. Under her, like, half or something. She's videotaping it. I hate to victim blame,

but how do you let that act? I mean, just logistically, that's insane to pull off. You got to, like, start that thing off in the frozen foods. Maybe he has a technique, though. Do you think maybe he has like a flashlight and she turns around and he, like, stunts her like a deer? And so she's stunned for like 30 seconds while he jerks off. Like, he has some sort of hypnosis

machine where she just like, he has a giant flashlight, and then he has a weird noise that just goes, I think he just got it off. He must have gotten it off so quick. They say like rapists, they just like come prematurely a lot. They don't even end up raping the person

because they're so excited. They never thought they'd get that far. Yeah, they're like, oh, this is too. I'm out of the apartment. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. She chased them up.

And the funniest part was, wait, where was it? There was a dollar tree. Yeah, but like, what city? She had a very funny accent. She was like, he nutted on me. Yeah. To call it.

Like, she's like, there's nut on my leg. It's like, yeah, it is very, funny to be like the medical slant yeah yeah yeah yeah he straight up busted not on me yeah i couldn't come in 30 seconds if he had a gun in my mouth and a finger in my ass yeah it's not happening i can only come if i have a gun on my mouth and a finger in my ass yeah that's like uh yeah i'm sure he like prepped it or something but it's such a weird fetish to like just want to come on somebody it's got to be funny for those couples like who need that kind of stimulation like the guy is like yeah i need a gun in my mouth and a wiffle ball bat up wait do you think that

They were a couple, and this is like a kink. No, I'm just imagining for like... We're going to hoax of fucking semen. He's like, comes even harder. He's like, oh, yeah. I'm just imagining a couple like that who eventually has a child and like they look at that child. And they just like imagine their wife like tied up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The mailman is watching. It's basically like the nativity scene from Jesus. I remember when I fucked your mom in the ass and she farted the cum till it drip down in her place. It was the only way. is the only way we could... That was you. I watched you make that trip. Yeah.

All by yourself. God, you were a swimmer. Oh. Yeah, it's pretty insane to pull off. Pretty impressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I read another story about something similar. I was thinking, sorry, I interrupted.

That girl that... Yeah, yeah. Be more respectful when I'm talking about. People choosing on people legs and Dollar Tree. That guy that was in Manhattan punching women in the heads, you know? Yeah, I remember there. There was, like, one girl where, like,

like that was her thing, you know? Yeah. She just, like, got punched in the cane. Yeah, to get punched by the yellow M&M in Times Square. She just was like, stop that guy. He just made me calm. It's never that guy who's shooting in the president, you know? It's never like a guy in like a cartoon outfit.

That would be so funny. Dude, please, if you're listening to this and you're thinking about trying to assassinate somebody or doing a mass tragedy, please dress up either like a giant carton of milk or like the Eminem guy. Spider-Man, you're at the side of you're like fucking trying to web trump in the head. It's just like, yeah, the drone footage

of just like buzz light ear with an AK-47. I could not tackle Zerk. The girl, what's the villain from Spider-Man, the Green Goblin or whatever, just flying by on a hoverboard.

Just popping off shots. dude nothing is like nothing's funny to me that buzz lightier look like anytime you see somebody with like a ski mask where like just the it's the goofiest look at like this yeah just somebody doing this is just always the funniest dude Alex Jones is buzz light year oh dude he has the same yeah and Tucker is Woody yeah oh my god dude I am going to email Disney every single day to make sure that film gets made a lot the live action the far right live action toy story oh I love this idea yeah sorry Tucker and Alex Jones. Ben Shapiro's the piggy bank.

Hell yeah. Who would be Mr. Potato Head? Maybe like Chris Christie or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I want to watch more kids.

After we watched it, we got just so high in that movie. It was the, it literally was like the best. It's also funny that like, I got a cocktail there. It's so funny, I can just drink vodka in a movie.

theater full of toddlers. Watching despicable me. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, this is the, the way the chairs were moving, I was like,

if I was in here alone, I would probably achieve an erection. Because it's such a stimulating experience. It's like you're just shaking around. You're at the whim of grew. That might be, you have to argue in court that you were like forced to come. It was not on purpose.

Try not to come. Around these little. Yeah, that is like a pedophile's like last stand like try not to come in this theater of little kids in the 4D despicable dude i would love to get fucking head in one of those how funny would have it just wow for a woman that's like a washing machine on steroids oh yeah yeah like that's got to be a wet you don't even need a boyfriend just have one of those suction cup dildos put it in a chair and just sit on it and watch just get with me four and three d dude the uh the craze of these

anal beads with remote vibration. It's a big thing. It's pretty crazy. I'm worried about what's all that 5G doing to the internal organs? Combush, the internal complex of the female vagina. I hope I'm all about this sterilization of people thing. I don't really the idea that less women can have kids now is a very appealing thing to me. I mean, it's the end of humanity. Yeah, but I mean, it's going to make my life better because I'm not going to get anybody pregnant. We're going to have, dude, I don't, do you play video

games at all? No, not really, no. There's this game called Detroit Become He human where like basically these AI cyborgs like start to achieve sentience. And then you talk to your roommate about it every single day. And then you talk to your roommate. Your roommate's like, what? Who's getting pussy? You don't get it, dude. No wonder he'll never beat me in chess.

But like the whole thing is like, yeah, there's not enough population. We need and droids to like fulfill these jobs and stuff. And then they're taking jobs from people and they become human. And like, dude, every day that goes by, I think that's like a reality. It's a pretty dire video game. It's very intense. What are you supposed to do in the game? You said you cried playing the other day, right?

I got very emotional because there's like three stories. One of them, you're just this like woman who's like a side. You play from the perspective of the cyborg. And one of them's like there's this single dad who's just like beating the shit out of like his daughter. And you have to like intervene. And then you become like conscious. But you learn that the daughter. was also a cyborg.

So, like, you fall in love with this girl. And the daughter can't admit she's wrong because she's a woman. Yeah. But you just admit you're wrong. But she's a woman cyborg. Oh, okay. So she's programmed to not say that she's right. Yeah.

But, uh, no, it does just raise the question, you know, of like, when is it okay to hit a child? When is it okay to hit a robot? Yeah. Like, I don't even want to, you know. I mean, those pizza delivery ones get fucked up routinely as they should.

They get tipped on the side. And they will have. their Boston Massacre. Well, do you, a quick question. So do you feel like any emotion towards, like to me it's just not real and I don't, I don't want to say that out loud.

They're going to come from me at the fucking side. Well, right now it's like nothing is even close. Okay. So like you right now don't feel bad about turning your TV off or anything like that way. No. How far into the future until like people are

routinely having sex with them? I know obviously it's a thing now, but like where it's commonplace. I don't think I ever could. Like for me, It's like I love the, like, personality of a huge, like, it really does. But they're going to have personalities. It's going to be indistinguishable.

Yeah. And they're going to be so fucking hot. And they're going to kill you for saying something. And they're never going to get older. Yeah. That is a good point because I watch like a podcast clip with Riley Reed. I'm like, oh, she's so wonderful. And I'm like, this is, in theory, this could be a fake person.

Yeah. Like that could be totally. And it could be a fake person that you could have in your house. Yeah, that's a great point. And they don't require, you don't have to feed them. You don't have to do anything. you just have to make sure they don't kill you. Yeah.

And it's like, it is kind of a nice. It's somebody because in my mind I went, oh my God, like, what if this robot comes and and gills me? I'm like, wait, what if any woman? Like, technically, I fucking, they can easily have for the person. There's just as much a chance. Yeah. But, no, it is, it's very interesting because, uh, yeah, that's like the whole point.

Like, there's like a guy caring for an old guy and then his son, his dirtbag son comes and, like, shoves him around. And then, like, you get shot in the head and then lead a revolution as like a robot. It's a crazy game. They're programmed you to root for the robots, though. But it's like all your choices you make matter in the story. So, like, you can choose to just be like a robot and serve your purpose. And then it, like, affects different things down the line.

How old is the game? It's like four or five years old, I think. Okay. But it's set in 2036, something like that. Okay. So it's like 12 years in the future. And I think it's, like, going to be 10 years before there's, like, broth. where you just have sex with these robots.

Yeah, it's coming. That's coming. I mean, yeah, it definitely does, like, if they could make realistic sex, it would, I mean, I'm not the first one to have this idea. Comedian who's a joke about it, but it really would probably affect sex trafficking in the sense that you could save a lot of people's lives

because if there was, like, I don't know, you go to these, like, weird, like, countries where it's like, apparently, like, human trafficking, like crazy. There's so many women that are captured and made into, like, sex slaves. And so, like, you could replace that with robots. That would be huge.

Just like, damn. now what do we do They took our jobs Yeah Yeah They're like damn Nothing But then I wonder too though

Then I wonder if they have to get on Fucking Andrew Yang's UBI It's like You know we're paying all these sex workers To be on UBI That's a good point What do we do Well but then I wonder too

If it's like You would though It would be so expensive though Like I think the whole point To capture human being And make him a sex slave Is because there's a cost Like the cost it takes

To kidnap somebody is probably cheaper than the cost You'll make off the person So the cost you would pay in having a robot with probably more expensive than a human. Maybe at first.

But then it goes, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Prices come down. But then it becomes like, like, ooh, that's like the rich, subtle thing is having the real the real deal.

Yeah. It's always going to kind of teeter. Yeah. But just for your everyday pedophile, you know? Yeah, yeah. That's, yeah, they're, like, giving pedophiles, like, dolls

in some places. You've seen that? It's like, I'm for it. That's got to be like a tough day. That's real. Okay, now you can come to pick up your doll and you're going to like walk through. I shouldn't have stopped at a jamba juice.

One for me and one for a young brandy here. No, no, no. You don't get ice cream until you have your vegetables. Until you have my cock. Yeah, I don't know. We are at an hour, though. What do you want to promote? It's beautiful. Yeah, had a great time.

Beautiful. Thank you again, Michael, for having me. Yeah, dude. And by the way, I'm just busting your balls. You talk about the video. It doesn't bother me. I don't know. I know what you're talking about. Okay, okay, good, yeah.

I'm so past that. Dave, it was very nice to meet you and have. News from bed. Check out news from bed. Yeah, what do you want to promote? Just follow Instagram. Dave Kajiano. Okay, sweet. Fuck, yeah.

Thank you. Thanks, guys.