Morning Good - Totally Convert to Islam - Episode 35

Episode Date: July 25, 2021

Thanks to Artan and Graham for coming on the show and being hilarious. Make sure to follow Graham on social media to show support and see what he has coming up. Don't worry about following Artan. Instead, convert to Islam. Artan is on Instagram @artan_x and Graham @grahamcomedy.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. Yeah, it's me with the bill.

Yeah, we're on. We're starting. Welcome to. We're talking about Andrew Dice Clay. That actually is not. And how much his tickets are? How much do you think his tickets are to see Andrew Dice Clay in 2021? I don't know.

My favorite, I was talking about this on another episode, there was a Valentine's Day at Governor's Comedy Club, and I'm like, could you imagine taking your, like, date out to see Andrew Dice Clay? He's just like, like, your pussy tastes like lasagna. Just in the front of her. Break up with her. Look at all these relationships. You don't need her.

Go paint the walls by yourself. What are you doing? But I think he's one of those guys that I don't want to see live because I never really got super into him. But, like, I feel like a lot of those people, then you see him live. And you're like, oh, because, like, I think Jake Timothy was bringing it up. He's like, oh, that might. not be that funny to watch on TV, but imagine a guy just yelling shit like that at the pair. Like, that would be hilarious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see that in person, you're like, oh, I get it now. Like, this is a lot of fun. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're like, when you're there and you're like, this is what's going on. So what did I take that's like? Oh, yeah.

This is Graham Cooper and Ardenx. Ardenx. He thinks he's here all the time, but you've only been here a couple times. Yeah, I'm kind of upset. You told me that someone was here like nine times. Who's been here nine times? I think Chris Kim, but maybe not nine, but like eight or something. Nine times.

He's been on a lot of episodes. I think Charlie's been on like five. Charlie Dawson. Oh, yeah. I do want to give local updates, though. Last week I talked about the homeless guy at McDougal Street that sets up his barricade. Yes, he blocks the street. Yes, yes, yes.

Wait, wait, which guy? Is this a black, black dude? Is he the dude that asks for like a penny or a dime? No, Charlie? Pay change, pay change? That guy. Yeah, yeah. Spare a penny?

Spare a dime? Maybe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he sets up this big, I love it. He just blocks traffic for two hours, and he'll just randomly open it. But, oh, he's the gatekeeper of McDougar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. Oh, look, I remember a cop came by. He's like, nobody can tell me to close it. Nobody, this is powerful, more powerful than you. He's like, I decide or like some shit like that. And then he's like, people are going to get hurt. And then randomly, he just opens it up. But last night was funny because what happened was another homeless guy, just started walking by the barricade. He's like, yeah, give me a couple dollars. I can open up the barricade. So he's running a business off the barricade. So they're, both kind of benefiting. I mean, the other guy is just for safety reasons. I don't know. I never seen him do that. Yeah, yeah. But that guy closes the street all the time. All right, I'm looking at the tickets. How many tickets do I want? They're not bad. 100 bucks? That's pretty bad. Yeah, that's pretty bad.

Well, no, because that's not as bad. I looked, I understand it's a different concept. It's a different, it's comics versus music. I woke up early this morning to try to buy tickets to see John Mayer at Madison Square Garden in February of next year. I woke up early for this. meaning like 10 o'clock. Yeah. And I waited in the virtual queue for an hour. And when I got in there, I was like, oh, I'm going to hope.

I want to get like floor seats, right? But it turns out there's no like just general emission like floor standing. They're actually like seats there, which is weird. I hate that. It's weird. Fuck you. It's because I'm like, dude, it's a concert. Like I don't want to sit for this.

Yeah. But the floor seats, $800. That's nuts. I was like, oh, never mind then. Like, that's fine. I just won't go. Yeah. Just fucking tell me.

the prices before I wait for an hour. Yeah, that's a no one. Also, New York sucks dick with that. Like, I, so I remember I went to go see Blink 182. I saw him in Tampa for $300 in the floor. I know that's sad for a grown man to pay that much to see Blink 1282. It was a big deal to me. If it's a good show,

it's a good show, you know. But I also, I never clicked buy now. So I, the day of the concert, I'm like waiting for the email confirmation, and I realize I'm like, oh, I just didn't buy tickets. So I just bought $300. And it was so perfect. We were walking through security. And this girl walks in and all of her friends got fake tickets.

So she's like, I have this extra ticket. And we literally were just hanging out with them before. So I was like, oh, I'll pay you this cash. I have my pocket. So I got to go on the floor with my buddy. But then I saw him in Tallahassee, Florida floor tickets for like $30. Because like nobody goes to Tallahassee. So they're like, fuck it.

I guess we'll, yeah. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. So expensive. If you really want to see something, I mean, find some town in Pennsylvania and just be like, it might be cheaper honestly to like just take a, I guess a bus would be hard. But you find a friend of the car. I just don't think, I don't know that John Mayer is doing.

I don't think it's probably not worth it for him unless it's a stadium or something or something big like MSG. That's true, but some people like... Is he doing the big MSG or the smaller? Yeah, the smaller arena. He's doing, I mean, he's doing Madison Square Garden. Sometimes they still do the small room. I still love that Bill Burr story where he went to a comedy club. I'm not going to say which one.

But he showed up to a comedy club when he was headlining Madison Square Garden that night just to like work on some jokes. And he was like, yeah, is there a chance I could get some stage time? And they gave him information for like a bringer. They're like, yeah, if you can bring like, you know, four people, we can give you some stage stuff. He's like, I'm literally selling out Madison Square. Like, they didn't recognize, they didn't know who he was.

Yeah, we don't know. You know, if you got a credit, that's great, man. But, you know, just. You got to bring four people. I have an arena full of people tonight, ready to see me. I can bring 20,000 people right now if you want me to do it. Yeah, I can just tell them it's here instead. I'm sure that guy got yelled that. Could you imagine, like, being that guy who, I don't know how you work at a comedy club.

I know how you had built. Well, it's just like that club. It's like, it's not about the comedy. It's about money, right? It's just. They're just like, I don't know, just fucking bring four people that spend too much money on a ticket. Yeah. Yeah, that's one way to do it.

But I don't know. It's not how we do it. That's how Arden does it. Yeah. Arden's a, he's a predator. I'm thinking if I'm going to fucking buy these tickets to see dice. I fucking really want to see it. I think you should.

I should. Yeah, I heard your mom's like a fan of this. Yeah, she loves him. Yeah. What if you find out that's your real dad? Yeah, that'd be pretty fucking crazy. I fucking grew out. Her vagina with a leather jacket.

But yeah, she loves comedy. That was like the last comedian she introduced me to. Because obviously he talks about fucking like giving girls rimjombs at a bank. Yeah. But yeah, I love that dude. He's nuts. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of Eastern European people, just because I'm talking to you here.

I had this barber I went to and I love this guy. But it gets really, because he keeps saying, he goes, you're so handsome. You are so handsome. Every time. And last time I went. there, he said it probably like six times. I think I counted like six times. You were so handsome. Is he gay? I don't know.

I just, I love like the throatiness of. Yeah, yeah. But, because I don't know, because like some cultures are weird like that where like, they're like, I don't know, I know Eastern Europeans different than Middle Eastern. But I know Middle Eastern culture, there's like an intimacy between men that aren't gay. It's like, yeah, it's a very complimentary. And just like, you can be like, wow, you're just like a very handsome man. And it's like, there's no implication there of just.

Yeah, yeah. But that might be because the culture is so homophobic that they're like, we're not gay. We just, yeah. We just respect a beautiful man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because in, like, some of those countries that you're talking about, some two dudes will, like, cross arms and take a picture. Like, we're brothers, you know, where, but if you do that in America, it's like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah.

That's gay. So it's kind of interesting how it flip-flops. And that's so funny, America, it's like, what are you doing? Are you gay? Yes. Sweet. No, what do you do? Like, it's like, it's a weird, like.

Yeah, what the fuck? You're holding hands. Yeah, yeah. It's a weird threshold. Like, if you're gay or buy, it's okay to do gay stuff. But if you're straight, it's like... I mean, depending on who you ask. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. Look, I mean, I've been called a fagg plenty of times. Yeah. By art, specifically. Like, look at our group texts. Like, today. It just... Don't please don't. I was like, I was five minutes late and he's like, where are you?

Yeah. Anytime I think about that specific group chat with us and a few other people, Like, I can't, like, get in a fight with any of you guys. Oh, I think about that all the time. Yeah, like... Just mutually assured destruction. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, we're all fucked. God, that's such a thing.

I have a couple of those. It's so funny, though, because I have, like... I have all... I'm sorry, because my friends that aren't comedians are also wild people. Like, they... There's a video of them just doing coke off of guns. And, like, it's just funny that, like, a lot of them are, like... At a Blink 182 concert in Tallahassee?

Yeah. But they're like... It's so funny because everybody has that, but like for Arc. It actually kind of matters the least for Arc. A little, it's weird that it matters for our group. You know what I mean? Because it's like weird that like... Yeah, because it's like in our head, you know, constantly that shit.

I think what's going to happen is one of us is going to quit and bring everyone else down. Yeah. I love that idea. I want to stay on the open mic scene, guys. Yeah. I like, yeah, there are some people that are like that authentic, not authentic, but they're like, I'm only the realist comedy. They're like, I don't even get paid for, you know what I mean?

There is that level of it where it's like, I won't sell out at all. It's like, a little bit. You know what was cool what happened yesterday? Eli's show at the grizzly pair, David H. killed. That's what I heard. And David H. is a guy who bombs hard. He does. He just does. He really does.

He bombs hard at open mics and he'll tell you that. But on shows, I think that's why he doesn't get booked. But when he does shows, he fucking killed. There's a lot. Because it's just the inverse of like what's not going to work at a mic, a lot of the time people will like it. Just like real people would be like, this is very relatable. He's got some good jokes. Like he just does.

But yeah, it's just, I mean, he's a killer. Yeah. In front of real people. Yeah. That's the hard part though is because like some jokes don't do better at open mics. But what I started doing literally, I just use open mics now to say my worst thoughts. Like sometimes it's not even comedy. Yeah.

Here we go. It's like, just getting it out. Yeah. Like I'm not going to do this in the show. And sometimes you are surprised. I like when I'm like, oh, let's see. this will work. I have some of my better bits that I didn't think would work on shows. And you realize some audiences are cooler than you think, you know what I mean? Like,

sometimes people will get uptight. But then you realize you're like, oh, I just, I assumed that nobody would get this. But you know, but sometimes you're way off. Like some things you think will totally work on shows before like this. No. Yeah. You don't get away with that. No, none of this. Yeah. Just like Arden saw me a few weeks ago at the pair. What show is? Is this the one where you were doing well and then it just. Yeah, it was a Friday 8 o'clock. So it was like a hot, decent, it was a good room. And like the first like three minutes they were really into it really engaged

Really having a good time I think even more than three minutes You were doing well for like majority of the set I was like this is the set we're both talking Yeah yeah it was like I was doing like well for like four minutes And then I started doing stuff about being by And they just seized up and they just weren't even like It just like someone took a fucking homophobic vacuum

And suck everything out Like we don't like this They were just sitting there like no no None of this And then I just I did it like I finished to the jokes and I went back to other stuff like unrelated immediately back on immediately left so I'm like oh you've been engaged this

whole time you just hated that yeah the best part about that is when you finished talking about being by and they didn't they just genuinely didn't like it's not they didn't even it wasn't even about funny or not they just weren't comfortable they just didn't like it and then when you said oh there's a homophobic crowd they fucking died laughing they're like yeah

we are they just said yep that sucks I never I never seen that before I never it's happened a few times at the paraben like that was like just such an obvious example of just like doing well, stop, doing well after that. I was sitting in the back, like, Jesus Christ, it's pretty crazy.

I've had, like, words to the pair of just, like, one guy, like, from Staten Island, of course, was just sitting in the front row, and he's just muttered to his friends, like, fucking faggot. I was like, say it. I was like, say it louder, you fucking pussy. Just, like, speak up. Yeah. That's, that's so funny, like, the angry,

like, that's, like, it's so funny, because I've never had to deal with it. Because, like, for me, I'm like, if I'm not doing well, I can't be like, well, they don't like me, because I'm straight. You don't know what I mean? I don't have to like ever think that.

Well, that's why I don't like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might feel that if you did certain shows, though. Yeah, I mean, I do. But at the end of the day, I'm like, okay, yeah, I guess there are some people that, like, might not love straight white guys, but I don't think it's like, I think you could still,

they still will like certain, you know, man, it's like, I don't think it's, it's, it's, it's, but I think there are people that just do not like gay people to know they just did that. And that was, I would came outstage. I was like, that was a little weird, right? And Arden was like, that was crazy what just happened. We had one.

It was so funny today. Or Saturday there was like a heckler. And I was just getting so juiced up. I'm like, I'm ready to fucking just make fun of this guy's whole life. He's a piece of shit. I have all this stuff. And then he gets kicked out of the room right before my set. And then just go on.

I'm like, I mean, I did well because I just addressed it. I was like, I'll be honest to you guys. I was about to unload on that guy. And now I don't know where to put this energy because you guys are great. Why did you get kicked out? How? Because people stay in that room like for yelling during. shows. I mean, the midnight last night, you saw, like, there was

that, those one guy, like, one or two guys just kept fucking talking, and I yelled at one of them. And he came out into the, just the bar, and he was, like, walking back into the show. It was like, hey, man, just please don't talk. He's like, I'll try. And I was like, no, don't try. Just don't talk. Yeah, what the fuck? Don't, I'll

try. No, it's not about trying. Just don't fucking talk. Yeah. Or stay out here. These guys were so fun. It was just, like, the biggest, just Guido piece of shit guy. Like, I just hated everything about this guy. And he was just standing there, he did look cool because he was with three chicks but he was standing there

and it was so funny because like the girls were like they were just being annoying yappy bitches where they were just like that's not what they sounded like that's me being sexist but they were just saying like they were just interrupted and said they were like oh that's not funny that's not funny

and everybody was kind of at the point where like you haven't let us complete our joke you don't mean you can't just like they just want to say that yeah and then the guy was like ah you guys are just mad because we're the only real New York is here and everybody's like no you're not like other people

stuff like, no, we're from New York. You're just a fucking asshole. That's the best one. The crowd also helps. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a lot of fun. But I'm also weird, because I'm, I, you have to, like, snap on hecklers in your own way, like, however you would address it.

Because some people, like, just have different styles of comedy. I can't, like, I never really get that. I've sometimes gotten furious, but, like, for me, I, it's weird. It's like, I kind of try to, like, play with it in a way that works. But there is a level of it where you're just like, shut the fuck. I just make eye contact and be like, hey, man, uh, shut the fuck up. just you're being in a real asshole. Yeah.

I did that last night and then like people got a little little seized up. And I like, it did another joke and it didn't really work. And I looked at the girl in the front row. I'm like, is it because I yelled at that guy? And she's like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. A little.

And I was like, yeah, but I needed to, right? She's like, yeah. No, it was the right thing to do. Yeah. No, I'll just put it to the level on it. Because I'm sure it would be so funny too. You could just be like, you fucking piece of shit. You go die.

I fucking hate everything about you. Go get AIDS. And you're like, I'm sorry about that guy. So anyways. That was the movie theater. Seen any good movies? How many vast and furious movies are they going to make? What a wacky premise.

Get that piece of shit out of here. Fuck you, go die. I love that the new Vindiesel memes, the family memes. Oh, yeah. 13 movies for them to finally make memes about it. Oh, my God. There's so many. My favorite one is there's one Fausifier's.

I've only seen some of it. I think it was Tokyo Drip. We're the first scene. There's two guys. think it was Tokyo Drip? You would know if it's Tokyo Drip. Which other one has a bunch of nations? It's got none of the actual main actors from the rest of the franchise.

Then it was Tokyo. But I love the first scene. There's these two guys and they're like, we're racing. And the girlfriend, she's like, winner gets me. Like, could you imagine? You're like, what happened after you win the race? You're like, yeah, I'm so glad you're not fucking that other guy. Like, that's such a weird.

We're not going to have sex, but at least you're not having sex with him. Yeah. It's so weird because you're like, like, it is mine. He's like, man, I'm so glad I won that race. because now I can have sex. Like, it's, how could you be with somebody that was about to leave you for somebody that could drive faster?

I think it's really funny. It's just like, winner gets me. Like, I won you. Want to go bowling? Like, you're just mine for the night. Let's watch a movie, you know. Something fun like that, yeah. I won this girl.

And I think the car flips and her face gets fucked up. I might be thinking of a different movie, but I think that happens. I don't know. I've seen Fast and Furious four, like, six times. And it's a bad movie. Why are you watching so many times? I was in, I was, I was, I don't remember where I was, I was in, I think it was in Italy.

They just didn't, like, it was the only English channel. And every, every single night, every single night. It was just Fast and Furious Four with Korean subtitles. And so, I can, you know, I can read Korean Fast and Furious Four. And I'm pretty, you know. Yeah, you know the whole script. I know, I'm familiar. Yeah, that happens up there.

You go to Korea and just everything you say has to do with cars. Yeah. So, family. family letty where's Tom put it in drive I still love

they all drive automatic in fast and furious that's the twist it's just like Honda just automatics I love

I still love the John Cena apology thing it's one of my favorite things one of my friends a couple weeks ago asked me to pull out something from an episode

and I just sent him the picture John Cena's face and it's like I've made a huge mistake I'm like, this is how you look right now. I was doing a bar show the other day,

and in the bar they were playing, you know, Peyton Manning hosts a game show now. Have you seen this? I've never seen an episode, but I think I know. It's terrible. It's like two teams, it's like a team, two teams from different colleges compete in trivia.

And it's like the easiest questions. But they're college students, but they're like questions for like elementary kids. It's so dumb. But one of the questions was, I mean, maybe not this one is the best example for easy question, but like, which King was married to and then lists a few women's days? It was like Anne Berlin and Jane and whatever, and his King Henry VIII was the answer. And then one of the people will just go, I don't know

the answer to that. I had no idea. Whatever way. It was the problem with Graham and Game Show was like, there's such, Jeopardy. That one wasn't the best example. But like, one of goes, I thought it was Larry King. And Peyton Manning just went, please don't interrupt the questions. Rest in peace, Larry. Just like, it was so serious. Fucking no sense of humor. No sense. It's an heir to. Please don't interrupt. At least do as Steve Harvey's be like, oh, Lord.

Yeah, just turn around and fucking shake your head at the camera. Oh, yeah. My favorite's the racist game show is one of my favorite things in the world. I don't love racism, but this is just the funniest example in the world. Because it's just so funny when somebody says something horrible, but like with the straightest face. So there's this game show, I think I've talked about before here. They give away money to, like, college students. And this one guy, they're like, so what about Michael?

And everybody's like, oh, I think he was good. I think he was good. And one guy's like, yeah. Yeah, I don't want to give him money on the count of the fact that he's black. I don't like black people. It's just the funniest thing. Because just to see somebody like calmly, he's like, hey, I don't like him. And he's just like so straightforward.

And then it's just so funny because there's like a black guy host in the show. He's like, dude, we rode in together. He's like, I'm speaking more in a general sense. And it's like, it's just so funny to like speak like that. And he's like, if people get mad, he's like, he's like, I knew this would happen. You share your beliefs. And I'm like, it's just so funny for somebody to like act like it just be so calm about being like, just this is how I feel.

This is, you know. And then they aired it. Yeah, exactly. He's like, listen, I'm just tired of pretending I like him. What a time to, what a time to pick to air your grievances. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like on your game show, yeah. There's no way he was hired at the next episode, but I just think it's so funny.

He's probably has a really big podcast now. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's like, listen, all you, yeah. It was like Polynesian, too. That's why it was funny. Yeah, I don't know. I just think it's also like, that's what those things that I'm like, I'm kind of glad that he said it because now we know, like, you might not know at all that that guy doesn't like black people.

Like, I do agree with like, I mean, don't be surprised when you get fired for saying things, but like, I don't know. I also like when people are honest. Racist. No, not racist, but it's like, now we know that guy's racist. It's just impressive how fucking honesty was. Yeah, exactly. Even if it's like the dumbest shit.

Dude, I won't say, like, if I like a movie, I won't be that confident about not liking a movie. I'll be like, okay, maybe it has some good parts in it. I'm not just going to be like. Like, maybe I just don't know. what a good movie is. Like, you know, I, everyone else had they enjoyed it. But yeah.

It is nice. It's a nice of someone just like, is that honest? You're like, cool, I know to avoid that guy. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's like just doing a mic. You see someone say something fucking awful that's not funny. You're like, oh, you just believe this.

Yeah, yeah. That's the weird. Because I say horrible things that I don't agree with. But also like, you could tell. I'm like, all right, all right, that was maybe a, you can tell by sort of the, the way you conduct yourself that you don't actually think that way. But yeah, it is hard when some people are just like, well, you can't just do

a comedy. It's like, now you just said the N-word for four minutes and wasn't a punchline there. The punchline was the N-word. You don't know comedy, kids. There were so many tags in that bit, man. Yeah. Yeah. Have you seen, what's the worst thing you've

seen? I don't know. I can't think of the worst thing I've heard somebody saying on stage. I don't, this isn't someone saying something on stage, but I don't like when people bring their backpack on stage. Do you think they're going to shoot off the place? Do you feel like that's as bad as someone saying the N-word? Well, if someone says the N-word, I'm going to be alive by the end of it.

But fucking, I see someone bring a backpack. And even if, like, I know the person and they're a nice person, like, I fucking... But he treats them like they said the N-word. He's like, you disgust me. What if they just had a bad day and they're about to shoot everyone? I always go to the exit. Dude, on the same way, there's that one comic, he'll wear Joker face paint on stage. I stand by the door every fucking time.

But it's, I've seen him enough and I've also said hi to him outside. He seems normal. He just does something. What besides the Joker? Besides the Joker face paint? Yeah, but I've seen him on the sidewalk and he'd be like, hey, what's up? And I'm like, hey. And it's like, all right, he's, all right, he's kind of normal.

You can talk to people that shoot people. Yeah, but if he walked by me just didn't look at me, tunnel vision, I'd be like, that guy's a wacko. But if you say hi to someone, that means you're at least like welcoming some sort of social interaction. I was at a mic once. It was a feedback. Mike and some kid went up and he had just

had like a dumb name I won't say his name he put a dumb name like a joky name down on the list it was pretty obnoxious and then just got up and did like ranted about women for like four minutes none of it were it wasn't funny it was no punchlines he was just like hating on women

and then he's for like his last minute it was like oh man fuck you guys you just give yourselves you just come in here you give yourself feedback you just jerk each other off all day. Fuck you got. And he just stormed out. And the host got back on.

He's like, is he going to come back in and shoot up? We're all just like, maybe, you know, it seems plausible. I've always wanted to do one of those feedback mics and give the worst feedback possible. Be like, can you do that joke, but just be Mexican for the joke? Like, you're just, can you change your race? Well, it would help if you were taller. Can you be taller for the next time? You know what happened a few days ago, and I talked about this with Jake.

He was there. We were watching a guy on a show. This is older dude. No, like in his 40s, like a man. And he mentions about how he used to be a police officer. And then he pauses for like the clap. He's like, yeah, sir, I was a police officer for a few years. I worked in narcotics.

Dead silent. No one gave a fuck. It's like New York that does not give a fuck anymore about cops. Even though we just picked a cop as the mayor. We're just, we're doing pretty weird. I don't know shit about politics. Yeah. If he was a cop, I believe.

you. I forgot to vote and then I decided that I'm not voting anymore. Like I totally forgot to vote and I'm like, I'm just not a political person anymore. Like I was like, I have to stick by this decision. And I also registered like two weeks before the election and then I just totally forgot about it. But what were you talking about a second ago? Oh yeah, the hating women thing. It's so funny because like I feel like as a guy like I'll get angry at women and be like, but then I realize immediately. I'm like, oh, this is ridiculous. Like this is the, you know what I mean? You can't generalize like that. Because I love the people that are like, oh, dude, everybody's so sensitive. And then the, the, but then. they'll be like, yeah, well, women get these advantages. I'm like, you're the same thing that you're, you're literally the same person that you're hating on. You're like the guy who complains about other things. Because you'll be like, oh, these other races compare that the world's against them, but then you'll just complain that women don't like you. We support women on this podcast, is what I'm saying.

You really backed yourself into a corner and tried to get yourself out of it. We like, we like women. I have a girlfriend, we like women. You know, if you ever ask one of those dudes that are like, oh, dude, women get so many advantages just because they get shows, like, quick. And like, so you, so you want to be, would you rather be a woman? It's like, fuck no. Yeah.

Of course not. No, no. But you said they have all these advantages and shortcuts. So be a woman. If God said, you're a woman now. Like, no, probably not. So you'd still rather be a dude. So yeah, fuck it.

Dude. Yeah. Yeah. We're just, we're just, we're just spitting some hot tacks today. I wouldn't want to be one. Of course not. I would love that, I love that, like, progressive, but also like super sexist.

This guy's like, listen, it's really hard life. I'm, fuck dad. I don't know to be a dumb bitch. Yeah, yeah.

Just that, yeah. But what was I going to say? I went to the, I think you guys, I got really high the other day and went to the, the fucking,

what's the museum? Natural Western Museum? MoMA. The modern art museum. MoMA. I didn't know that it was like a big museum until I was staring at Starry,

Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh. I was like, oh, this is like a real museum. I think it's just starry night. I don't know that's starry, the song is called Starry Starry, somebody made song about that.

But it was just... Silly, starry, story, and I had Vincent Van Gogh. It's like a museum for babies. Twinkle, twinkle, little star by Vincent. That's what I thought it was

going to be just like some dub museum that I was like, oh, there's actually like the not raw. Yeah, it's a world renown.

I had no idea. Until I went there, I was like, oh, this is like a real one. It's like the most, it's like the pinnacle of modern art. Yeah, yeah,

I was like, oh, this isn't stupid. I thought it was to be a bunch of junk here. There were stuff, it was still funny pencil art and I was like this is me and my girlfriend both walked around we're like

this sucks like we're like I don't respect any pencil art you ever walk around like lower east side and you see like a little it's usually like a glass window and it's like a gallery like with like one guy sitting there he's just like a bunch of his statues and paintings it's like who to fuck would go in there because it's like you go to a museum like

MoMA it's like people work their employees that they're into art but it's not their life it's just that one guy's like huh come on I can't wait to tell you about this. It's like, fuck, that's a lot of pressure. I would never go. Yeah. And they're always empty for that reason.

Yeah, yeah, because it's not a comfortable environment. Well, I've always wondered, like, you have to walk around if you are an artist, like sometimes to look at your stuff. And it's got to suck to just see, like, everybody just walk right past your photo and your painting. And at a museum, a huge museum, you could look over to the person next to me, really, this is boring. Yeah, exactly. Imagine, like, whispering. Hey, I'm the artist. Like, everybody couldn't kick the guy out.

He's like, no. he just every time he stands by his painting he's like it's good you guys should fucking appreciate it he just stands by it and just asks me so what do you think about this piece and they're like uh it's not money it's like why not why isn't it your favorite because it's my favorite because it's my favorite i love this where did you go to art school oh you didn't yeah you've been to like some weird art stuff that's like with the dirt remember that yeah there's a there's a there's a few interesting rooms around soho there's uh i forget the name of the artist but he they've been there for a long time now there's a

a whole floor of an apartment building that's filled with dirt, like three feet high. Oh, shit. It's go see it. It's really cool. Is it expensive? It's free? You just buzz the apartment. Oh, it's still, like, open? Yeah. Oh, shit. I think so. It's been there for like 40 years, at least.

But it's, they... It's so funny to call that art and not just look what the fuck I just did. Yeah. Yeah. It's just like, I fill the room full of water. Come over. I bought an entire floor of a building in Soho worth millions to day.

Filled it with dirt. It's fantastic. There are a few of them. So there's the dirt. And then the other one, there's a big, a much bigger room filled with brass rods. And it just goes like all the way back. And it's really weird because like the people that run it or like work there. There's one guy who works at the dirt and a lady who works at the rods.

And they're married apparently. And the dirt guy is great. Rods woman, not so much. Not so much. I like asked her a question She just like didn't say anything Just handed me the pamphlet But the dirt guy

Is like I'm like kind of convinced he's God Like he's just the most deity like being I've ever met Just like very Like I believe like their rooms are pretty far apart But I believe like he could like take the door In the dirt room and he just ends up in the rod room Like he just it seems like that's like the heaven and hell

Kind of dynamic morphs into her and then He just can like I just he's got like you know godlike power you can just teleport to the rods I would be surprised could you imagine being excited about dirt for 40 years you're like dude no that's not even the best part of it look at this if you put your fingers in it you can make a handprint yeah yeah he told me the dirt guy told me a story

so this isn't my story but he told me that uh one tend there's like a field trip there like a class trip and like one kid just kept being a dick and like touching the dirt and stuff which you're not supposed to do and he just yelled at this kid just fucking went on at this kid. And then the class all left, the teacher came back and was just like, hey, thank you.

Yeah, that kid's been buggy for weeks. That kid's dad is in the mafia. We're not allowed to yell at him. Oh, that's so funny. And then the artist died. Yeah, for real. He's like, I will die for my art. That's the real question right there. I want to hear what that dad was saying.

Like when the kids said, they yelled at me for touching dirt. Nobody else in my time. They're stirred inside. Yeah. What the fuck is this shit? raised you better than to play with dirt yeah I can't do a good Italian accent yeah neither can I

but you try and that's you know it's respectable my favorite I've talked about us a bunch of episodes but I love the teacher we had we had a substitute teacher in high school who says he wrote the movie Ice Age and has literally gotten in like yelling matches with kids about whether the movie was his or not

what grade um like all through high school so he was just the whole high school he says he wrote it and like they didn't credit him or what yeah yeah so he wrote a comic book that's basically Ice Age. And he showed, it was so funny because he brought up the comic book, came out like four years before Ice Age. It's just, it seemed like they might

have stolen it. Oh, totally. So he actually did have, yeah, it did take it, though. 100%. Richard DeMontebello, I'll give him credit every time. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah, that's cool. But it's not cool that they took his story, but yeah, because he said he put it. Did he ever, like, try to, like, pursue them

legally, or was he just like, ah, my only recourse is to yell at high schoolers? He probably just, like, screamed in front of, like, the Dreamworks building for, like, hours. He's like, if this doesn't work, I don't know what will. But he said he put it into like some database that it was like a database that like helps you like get not patents for screenplays but like copyright but like once it's in there people can tweak it a little bit.

So I mean it's about like a woolly mammoth adopting a kid. But in this one like the kid's like a teenager instead of a baby. And then he's friends with a saber tooth tiger. And I think there's like a sloth in there somewhere. So it's basically just ice age. But they tweaked it. They're like no, no, no. This is also going to have like fun.

music in the back and speaking of kids movies I just watched like the first half hour of space jam the new one the new one yeah how it's on HBO go is it is it good yeah yeah it's not good really it's like it's I'm trying my best to enjoy it

because I saw like this picture of like dude the space jam movie all these 30 year olds are saying it's corny bad and not funny it's for kids you know yeah and I read that and I'm like that's a good point but also Shrek kicks ass. Every Shrek movie kicks ass. That's what I'm thought. Kids

movies could be really entertaining for adults. So that's not like a cop out. This movie should still be good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very corny and it's like, I'm just mad they don't have that rapy what's his name? Oh, the Pepe Lepeotu. Yeah, yeah, I boycotted the movie because of that. Dude, the Loonie

Tune saved the whole thing because they're so fucking funny. Yeah, yeah. You know? You say that like they're actors. Like, these guys are fucking talented, bro. This is a group of amazing comedic actors. phenomenal. Improft performance. The Looney Tunes.

Have you heard of them? They just came out of Second City. They're up and comers. They're great. They throw those guys in Netflix special. Give a bone to the Looney Tunes. They haven't had a career in a while. It's kind of funny.

It's like LeBron James is pressuring his son to play basketball, but his son wants to like make video games or something. His son wants to be a Looney Tune. I identify as Porky Pig. Your face will never be a cartoon. I can't do it, LeBron. Don Cito. That was your LeBron?

I don't know what he sounds like. Don Cito is the villain in that movie. What? It's so, like the villain is... Don Cito can be a villain. And also Sarah Silverman is in it. And it's like,

there's no funny lines so far. He's, Don Cito is a computer. Oh, you're only half an hour into this movie. I forgot that. It could be a huge... They haven't even played basketball.

So... Well, I watched the first... To be fair, I got less far. I watched five minutes. And then I was with my girlfriend. I was like, oh, we don't watch basketball. So we thought it was all of me about basketball.

We had the opposite effect. Because we don't watch basketball. We're like, when are the Looney Tunes is going to show up? And we're like, all right, we're just going to watch something else. There's somebody. Because the first thing she says, she goes, LeBron Jane's really likable. Do you want to watch something else? And I was like, yeah, I guess we'll watch some Mets Jam.

I remember the original. Isn't there like some AIDS joke? It's actually kind of funny? I don't know. Maybe it's like... Because like Magic Johnson, I think there's... Maybe I'm wrong. There's a lot of jokes in that movie that could be like metaphors for like, there's one part where they all

drink something and that's like, I don't know, like, Coke or steroids. But in the movie, it's like, oh, it's special juice. Yeah. I think, I'm pretty sure Bugs Bunny, I could, my fans can be furious. Straight up AIDS joke. No, I know that, I don't know that, but I'm pretty sure Bugs Bunny, like, the whole thing is he just gives them nothing,

but he's just like, really, guys, you just had to believe in yourself. What if Bugs Bunny was like, I'm not playing with the other team, that guy has AIDS. Yeah. That was just the whole joke of it. LeBia, I want to look it up. I just love that, like, if that is what it was, Michael's like, who is that subtle, subtle

AIDS show? I don't want to play with somebody who's got AIDS. What was, let me see. While you're looking that up, can I tell you something that happened last night? What's up, Doc? I got AIDS. I got AIDS last night. I was out on the street, I was on McDougal.

I feel AIDS. I just, the breeze comes by, and I'm like, this is aid. No, I was out on the street of McDougal, and I was selling ticket, I was, you know, barking. And I did this on stage. I'm going to keep doing this on stage, but it's a fun story.

tell is this dude came up to me and I was standing with another friend of mine. We were on the street and this dude came up. It's like four guys came up. One guy has spoken. He's just like, hey man, you know where I can get alcohol around here? And I was like, yeah, fucking everywhere on this street. Like there's bars everywhere. And he's like, no, I mean like a like a shop.

Like you go in and like there it is. Like a, and he just keeps doing. He's like a deli, like a booze deli. Like a booze deli. He just can't say that we're liquor stores. And I was like, do you mean a little? liquor store? And he's like, I guess. And I was like, you guess. You don't even know. What? It's not like you forgot the term liquor store. You never knew the term liquor store.

Was he like foreign or something? No, he was from, it seemed like he was from New Jersey. I'm like, you know what a deli. You know what enough to call like a corner shop at deli. But you don't know what a liquor store. That's bizarre. A booze deli. Where's the spirits bodega? That's, that's insane to me. It was so funny. And then I was just like, what, yeah, you tried, man. And I just want to know what like a booze deli has. That's just so funny to me. That's wild. Just a tuna melt.

Did he come to the show? In a bottle of Jameson. No. And we were like, there's a liquor store over on Thompson. And he came back like 10 minutes later. He's like, oh, it was closed.

There's other liquor. You have a phone. Yeah, you can figure out what other. You all have access to the internet. What if he was just Googling like, booze deli? Like, you just couldn't find it because he was Googling the rock.

He's like a vodka store. I, um, you've, it's so funny. I was thinking about AIDS the other day. It's so funny how off my perception is of what physical pain would be like, because I'm sick sometimes, and I've literally thought before, this is probably what it feels like to have HIV. And I'm like, there's no way.

That's like, I can't even possibly conceptualize the, I mean, you've had cancer before, right? Yeah, but I don't, I didn't hurt. It didn't hurt? No, it's not like you sneeze when you get cancer. Yeah, but like you feel like... It's sneezing the only hurt that you can think. Every sneeze, he's like, fuck!

The cancer wasn't bad. I wasn't sniffly or nothing, so... No, I didn't. shaving his head. He's like, it's not so bad. My cancer was fucking easy, dude. Really? You just in and out, right? In and out. Oh, so you didn't have, like, any... Didn't you have to go through chemo or something?

No. That's what fucks people up, the chemo. Yeah, that's what I'm pretty sure because, like, it's your body's fighting against. Yeah. I mean, the chemo just kills good cells, too. It just kills everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. But, yeah, I didn't want, I didn't need to do that. The doctor was like, you don't have got to do this. And I was like, sure, dude, whatever you say. Dang. Yeah, that's pretty true. The lead singer of Blink 1282 has cancer now. really? Yeah, every ticket moment

silence to think about that. I mean, you probably should have paid him the full amount. For the ticket? Yeah, yeah. So, you could have paid medical care. I donate to cancer. What if the doctor tells him

you have 182 days to live? So specific, but he's like, this is fitting. You know those, all those small things? This is one of the big things. You have cancer.

You're an amazing artist. You know what's not amazing? You're cancer. What kind of cancer does? you have. Rockstar cancer. Yeah, rock star cancer.

They shaved his head. Whatever. I don't know who he is. Mark Oppos of Blinkwynnateau. I never got into... The other one is super... I love it. I like Good Charlotte when I was a kid.

That's a weird line to draw. You're like, good Charlotte, but I fucking hate Blake. They're the same band. You listen to one, right? Yeah. It's all the same music. It's all the same.

Some 41, dude. I remember my mom made me throw out my sum 41. Really? Really? Fucking CD. Why? Yeah. Because it was fucking crazy, these fucking album coverers, like them punching each other, doing stupid shit.

Yeah. My favorite is I knew somebody who worked at a liquor store. A booze deli? A booze deli. One of the speakers was broken. And on the part of Fatlip, where it's like, my mother, doctor said my mom should have had an abortion. Because it's two different voices. It cut out one part.

So all you could hear in the place was abortion, abortion, abortion, just for like a minute. Or however 30 seconds. but that was one of the best concerts I've been to, Sun 41, amazing performance. I remember my dad threw out my Green Day CD though, because it came with all the lyrics. It was like, dukey, and they're like, oh, this is pretty.

They're like, first up, they're like, they're like, what is this? They're like, there's monkeys throwing shit at each other on the cover, and then they read through the lyrics. It's just all kind of, they have all the kinds of weird songs. I had with Sun 41 and then Eminem. But they were like, Eminem's good.

No, they made me return Eminem and they got me like a little Romeo CD, which was bullshit, too. Was Lil' Was Little Romeo the one in Max Keeble's Big Move? I don't know. Wasn't one of them in another basketball movie? Oh, yeah, yeah. Like Mike.

Like Mike. That was Lil Romeo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so. Which M&MCD? It might have not been. Did you have to return? The first one with the red car, fucking curtain.

Oh, that wasn't the first album? It was like the fifth one. That's like the fifth out, yeah. No, it's not. Oh, it's at least the third. It's the second. No. You said the first one now.

You're like, you're compromising. You're like, Maybe it's the second out. That's the first one. That's like, yeah, it's at least like the third album or something. Yeah, because he had, it started like the... All right, we've said every number now. Yeah, this is whoever listening to this.

The Slim Shady LP, the Marshall Mathers LP, then the Eminem show. It's third album. What's the first one? I don't know things by names. I just know things by covers. It was the blue cover with the moon in the car. Yeah, this one. Our listeners have killed themselves.

They're hearing us describe Eminem's albums. Just pointing pictures at each other. Have you ever seen? scene, by the way, just really quick. Yeah, yeah. But in 2015, after the Colbert report ended, and before the late show with Colbert started, he did a thing, he went to Monroe, Michigan,

and hosted their public access new show. And just this small, nowhere town in Michigan. It is 45 minutes. It's the funniest goddamn thing on the internet. What are we talking about? Stephen Colbert. Oh, I thought we're talking about Eminem still. I'm going to get to that.

Okay. He had like the normal host of the show as his guests, and like he would do like, and then he, like, read, like, the local news and stuff, and it was fucking hilarious, because he's just such a great improv performer. Yeah. And he's like, my next guest is an up-and-coming musician from the Michigan area.

Please welcome Marshall Mathers. Marshall, thanks for me. And it's just Eminem just, like, just, like, so confused of, like, why he's there. And, like, Stephen Colbert's just pretending to not know who he is the whole time. He's just like, now, is this, like, you know, it's this a career? It's this a hobby. It's just something. It's just something fun to do on the weekends with your friends, because, you know, like,

how old are you? And he's like, 42 is like, look, this is just, eventually, you know, you might want to have a family. You're going to have to support them. Was Eminem in the bit? Probably, right? Towards the end, I think he caught on, but like really early. He was like, I don't know. He does a lot of trolley shit.

Yeah, like the Brad thing. I didn't like Eminem for two years because I thought he was a pussy. And then I found out. Yeah, then I found out he was in on it. You see that? Which one? Sasha Barricone comes in like a thong and lands on Eminem, like, MTV movie awards. They're 69.

Yeah, they're 609. And Eminem freaked out and leads. He's like, fuck that. And I remember for like two years, I was like, I mean, it was a fucking pussy. And I found out

they were into it together and they went. And then the funny thing, because Bora, whatever, Sasha Barron Cohen, told them to freak out, like hit me,

punch me and like throw me away, really hit me. I don't care. That's why it looks so real. Yeah, it looks very real. They all started like, I'd say go watch that Colbert thing. It's so funny.

And I was like, can I perform? I'm like, no, we don't have time. Yeah, it's pretty funny. I still want to get back to the Bligwood II thing

because one of the singers has cancer, You know Tom DeLong left to look for aliens, yeah. Wasn't he on, like, Joe Rogan or something? Yeah, it was so funny. He was talking about alien shit. But it is funny because you know he actually, some of the videos that he leaked are literally the ones the Pentagon like confirmed.

He was like the, yeah, he was right. Yeah, it's sort of Tom DeLogne. Because when he first came out of there, like, all right, he's clearly lost it. You know, he's clearly out of his mind. And then it was just funny because the ones he released are the ones that like, the Pentagon's like, yeah. Like, if you really read like the newer, times,

New York Times articles. It's like originally posted by Singer Blinquent A2 Tom DeLong. You're like, what the fuck? Just no news should be reported like that. Yeah, it's absurd. Yeah, his name should just be. But I was talking to somebody. I like the ultra-terrestrial theory

because there's a theory that aliens are from another planet. I like the theory that they're from this planet. Oh, when they left? Oh, no, they're like deep in the ocean and they just come out sometimes. So that's what like just octopus, dude, like those are fucking aliens. I can see, yeah, they're bizarre looking at it.

That's like the, I think the, Octopus in general, I think the best, and this isn't my, you know, standing, I took this someone else, it's the best, they're the best evidence for aliens, I think. Yeah, because they're nothing like any. They are nothing like us, and they are intelligent, and they came before us. So, like, just through natural evolution, they, like, evolution, like, evolved two different types of intelligence. Yeah.

Like, in weird-ass octopus, and then us. Yeah, we're very stiff. We're the second, so, like, we're the second that we know that, like, they came first. So, like, there's got to be fucking. aliens if that shit happened in the ocean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's interesting. They are terrifying. Oh, dude, they're so scared to me. My favorite thing

is, so you know there's that Japanese tentacle porn where it's always just like a woman in five sex as an octopus? I was writing a joke about beastiality and one of the earliest pictures is like from the 1600s in China, or it was Japan, and it was a woman having sex in an octopus, I was like, oh, this has been a thing. This has not like... Yeah, this has been around for a while.

But, well, I think essentially that is, I'm just going to say this real quick. It's kind of one of the bits I have, but having sex of animals is still legal in some states, but there are certain states where you can't smoke weed, but you can have sex with animals. What? So, like, literally a cop could show up to your farm and be like, are you growing marijuana here?

And you could look him straight in the face and say, no, I'm only having sex with animals on this farm. And, like, legally, he couldn't. He'd be like, all right, go. Take care, mister. It's wild to me. It's like, in some... All right, Jim, have a good one.

I just had to check up. Yeah, he's like, sorry, sir, I didn't realize you were a law-abiding citizen. I'll mind my business. What a hero you are. It's so wild. them, and I'm like, it's,

there, I know there's some laws that, like, just never got changed, but I think one of the states is one where, like, they change, like, they,

like, it's a new law that you can do it? I think so. I think, maybe it's, or maybe it's a different country that did that, but that's so funny.

I think, I think maybe Sweden was the country that, like, it was like, it was like, having sex animals was, like, that's the,

that'd be so funny if it was Sweden, because, like, people here are just pretty Sweden, and like, look at the prison system is so reformed and just, it's all about rehabilitation and they're so nice facilities.

Yeah, but there's just fucking goats over there. Well, maybe those states where it's not a law, they just don't do it. It's not a problem. You know? It's like if it's a law to not fuck animals in New York, that means people are doing it. You know? Yeah. I would suspect that in states where it's not on the books, I bet they're doing it.

I don't think they do. Oh, really? You don't think in West Virginia. West Virginia is one of those states. I don't think they fuck animals. I disagree. I think some people do. I think wherever it's against a lot to fuck animals, that's where they fuck animals.

People fuck animals everywhere. Yeah, that's true. I've never seen it, dude. I will say this, one of the most disturbing things. I Snapchatted a girl when I was younger, and she just randomly sent me a video of her getting fucked by her dog. The weirdest thing in the world. I just remembered it. Yeah, yeah.

And I was just like, I'm not going to Snapchat this person. It was somebody I didn't know. I met them on, like, Tinder or something. I had Tinder in high school, and then weird memory that just came up randomly. That's terrifying. And who let the dogs out was playing? No, I'm just kidding. That is a funny video.

Somebody sent me, though, also disgusting video. Somebody had a sex animal. Because, like, the internet used to be just videos. How long did you watch the video? Only, like, 25 minutes. I'm just kidding. He's a 10-second video, but he just had it looping. Just watched, like, you know.

I remember I just never talked to the person. I was like, that's disgusting. You sent that's disgusting? Yeah, yeah. Maybe it wasn't her. Maybe she found. one online and sent it in Snapchat, but I was just like, that is... She probably made a fake profile, but the person made a fake profile, and that's like

their whole thing. Like, I'm going to send a bunch of people a video of this. One of the funny ones I did get, though, was so disturbing, but one of my friends just sent this in a group chat. It's a video of who let the dogs out. Some girls just getting licked in the vagina by a dog, which the music, it makes it almost not a crime. That probably happens a lot. Yeah, yeah. Well, the person's like drunk and like giggling. Like people who get their dicks licked by dogs? There was a guy at our high school that was the rumor about him. and we just believed that forever.

Which there was no evidence. Somebody's just like, dude. Because always the balls, people say it. But, like, who would have their balls? Like, it makes sense that you have your dick licked before your balls by your dog. They're right next to each other.

Yeah. He's like, ew, no, I'm not a fucking perver. Just look the balls. Sick, oh, I'm trying not to come. Yeah. Just fucking get cum all over my dog. It's so bizarre. But they, when I was reading about it

because I was working on the bit, It was so funny. Like, most people that have sex to animals, it's because they're not zoophyles. So, zoo files, are people who want to say... That's such a funny word. You did your research. Yeah, I'm trying to write this bit. Zoo files.

You got to... That sounds like a fake word. Zoo files. Yeah. I like zoos for normal reasons. Yeah, I'm just fascinated by the zoo. But most people aren't into the animals. They just don't have...

They're just lonely and, like, on a farm. They're not getting fucked by people. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That makes sense totally. If you're not getting fucked by people, why not fucking animal? Who cares? But to them, it's got to be weird. Like, somebody gets fucked by a cow, because in your mind, like, you're God to that

animal. I'm not trying to justify. Are you trying to say that having sex with animals is bad only because of the power dynamic? No, no, no. Every boss, it would be incorrect. No, no, no. Yeah, it's just, oh, you shouldn't see if you're right.

It's, you know, the power there. It's not an equitable thing. Is that true? An animal thinks that the person that fuck them is God? No, I was trying to, because I was trying to see the joke from all angles. So totally it's like... By the way, it's Eid Mubarak, guys. What?

It's a Muslim holiday today. Do we have to sacrifice something? Yes. How do you know about it? That's about, that's what this holiday is about sacrifice. Yeah. So you have to not have sex with the goat? That's your sacrifice.

I learned that. You have sex with the goat, then you sacrifice it. So it can't tell anyone that you had sex with it. I learned that today. I don't know shit. Yeah. Yeah, you're actually Muslim. You know, you should know more about it.

Yeah, I learned that today. Oh, you are? What it's about. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah, we got to get a zip. Yeah, we got to get a bit. Fuck.

Guys, there's been another episode of my morning. God, damn it. Can you hand me in the microphone? He washed it off first. Can you? Oh, God damn it. Dude, only when I'm fucking gay. I'm Muslim.

You had, one of the earliest jokes I remember, do you mind if I tell this joke of the backpack? That's one of my favorite, favorite jokes. It's a really racist joke. I regret doing it. Really? No. I love that joke. I love that joke.

It was like only a few months into, into stand-up. Like, because we started right at the same time. And we met each other, like, really early in. You're like, I'm Muslim, but I'm white,

so what a fuck? How does it go? I'm Muslim, but I'm white. So when I'm under train, I'm scared what's in my backpack. Yeah. That's funny.

I'll look around for a cop. They searched me. Yeah, you were a prodig. and ISIS product. People don't believe me when I tell them I'm white, but I'm white. That's a weird thing

to want people to know. Well, we wouldn't consider you that or accept you at all. Yeah, I'm super Caucasian, dude. He's from the Caucasus. It's true. Well, no, any of people, there are any of people that are white, too,

that live in the Caucasus region. Yeah. It's complicated. I want to clarify what I was saying about having sex with animals. I don't think. I was just saying from their mind. No, let's not even go back to it.

It's just got to be left in the air that you have sex with animals and you only think it's wrong because of the power discrepancy. No, no, I was just saying it's also in their mind it's got to be a weird thing because they see this is a more powerful thing. It's wrong because they can't consent

and you shouldn't rape animals. Why are dogs the only animal that try to have sex with people? I don't know. Are it because they've been around people for so long? Because they're, no, all animals, it's right. No, no, I disagree. There's videos, like, if a guy bends over by a horse,

the horse will fuck the guy. Like, manatees do it. Like, I've heard a story a few years ago, like, manatees if I could, like, pin a woman down. tried to, I mean... Damn, dude. Yeah, they did it to my girlfriend, man.

It's not a funny thing to be talking about. That's interesting. The animals that try to do it. Yeah, yeah. It's not an organ... Yeah, it's just... A manatee. How big is the manatee?

Pretty giant. They have so many in Florida, and, like, they're huge. They call them sea cows because they're like... Yeah. Yeah, they're wide. Yeah. Cows, fuck. They just hop...

I actually don't know because it... They probably waste so much... You think soon they break each other, but I guess... That's probably the worst for the... You know, elephants, I learned this because a comic... They spit on each other. They spit on their pussies. I guess.

How cats have sex. Really? Weird. One of them spreads... Yeah, whatever. They suck their own dick and spit it into the other cow's pussy. Yeah, yeah. They're really freaky.

I saw a comic. I learned this from Vishnu Vaka. He did a bit about elephants having sex. It turns out they don't like thrust. They're like they just like put their dick into the other elephant and then the dick has a different another muscle in it. That does it. Oh, so they just sit there. They just sit there.

That's kind of cool. And the dick is very cool. And it's just like it's a self-driving dick. That's just. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty funny. Also, elephants have never seen their penises before. That's kind of amazing to me.

There's a lot of animals that have no idea what their dick's like. How do you, can they turn their head down? No way. Dude, an elephant? Yeah, it seems like they could go down like that. What are you talking about? If an elephant. elephant could see its own dick.

No. Yeah. See, two on one. Oh, guys, because their stomach is maybe so big,

I don't know. Because they're fucking, they're so long. They're like standing. I mean, if they sat on their hind legs like a, like a,

in the circus. And also they don't care. So they wouldn't even. Yeah, I don't think they're like reflection. They're like, I've seen my own asshole.

That's not like because I was looking for it. Yeah, it's fair. You're curious. I always don't care. Yeah, it's true.

They're never like, I wonder what my dick looks like. Yeah. queens, those stupid female women that care about signs. Female women. That'd be funny. That was the guy's excuse. Like his wife catches him fucking a cow. He's like, yeah, well, she doesn't care about how my dick size.

She doesn't say it's weird or anything. So maybe this marriage is the problem. It's not illegal here, all right? Yeah, that is a wild thing. But I think the chimera thing's crazy, too, how they have, like, human monkey embryo now. What's a chimera? Isn't that like a dragon? So chimera means like

It means a hybrid organism But they have Human chimera Like fetuses I think now What is that mean? Like human half monkey Because we should already share 98%

Of our DNA account We also share like 80% of the banana So it's like weird How different could it be? No we're very similar 80% of a banana Yeah 80% of the same DNA as a banana

I remember I met this girl once Who said she could make a sweater Out of a banana I don't want to say I'm not gonna say What does that mean She said that you could take like a piece of a banana And make fabric out of it

60% Okay I would say Was it a joke or? No no she was very serious Was it on stage? She said it twice No it's not a comedian I'm so confused

Are they just like little like fibers from the banana Like dry them out And turn them into some kind of thread It was so long ago But she said She could make a fucking Banana sweater That's a bizarre thing to lie about

If she can't do it She's like I'm sure to tell people I am new at this school. How do I fit in? I would tell me what can make sweaters out of bananas. Hey, so I can make sweaters out of bananas. What? Nothing. I'm not, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, can't go to the mall later? I can make a, uh, banana sweater.

She's like, you guys, I'll be totally honest with you. I cannot make sweaters out of bananas. I can make a banana sweater. What did you say? I said, uh, do you want to go to dinner? Yeah, I didn't. Uh, do you? That's bizarre to me. Yeah, no, it's 60%. DNA with the banana. But no, they've definitely cloned humans in offshore labs. I did tutor in college. I asked him about it. He was like a genus. All right, banana tax. Banana text. Banana text is

the world's first durable, waterproof fabric made purely from banana plants. Could you imagine being a sweatshop in China and you're getting fed rice and you're using food to make sweaters for people in other countries? They give you food and it's like no, no, that's the product. Stop, stop.

It's like, you're feeding them? No, no, no, no, you're making You're making Swear-ed out of this. This is what the new Nike shoes are. Oh, God. That is the funny thing that we've just, I never came to terms with the fact that I

support slave labor all the time with the cell phone. Like, I don't, I don't know a way around. Are there phones that aren't made in sweatshops? Probably few. Why, they should be advertising hardcore. They're like, hey, we, like, I would buy a phone. Like, that is the one thing I've thought about not doing because I'm like, okay, like, I'm not a big boycott person.

I kind of, I just don't. Like in general, if you want a boycott, that's cool. I just never really feel the need to. But I'm like, I think that is something that I potentially would, like, give up. Because I'm like, it is kind of... Speaking of sweatshop, you know, there's these internet e-girls that will sell their bodily fluid now. Like, some girls will sell their bath water. I was talking to someone about that.

What do they... What does someone who buys it do with it? I think it's just a weird thing. Like, I have this. Do they, like, pour it on themselves or do they drink it? I would imagine that's what I would do. Drink it? But then you waste it in one dog.

I picture him drinking it like a protein smooth. It's just like on the go. Like he's treating it like it's like a supplement. And then, can I have some of your water? Oh, you don't want this. Water is pretty expensive.

That would scare me more than like it. That would scare me more. There's got like, yo, I want to be shot on. Like I would, if I was a girl, okay,

this is what he's into. But then a guy that's like, I want your bath water in a jar. Like that's more terrifying to me. I'm like, oh, this is kind of. I saw, I saw a weird thing.

I saw a foot the other day. But that's way easier. You're at a person. Yeah, but as far as thinking, I'm going to get murdered, it's like, that's creepier to have my bathwater than to have, like, even poop is, I don't know. But when they're shitting, you're in the room with the person. That's true.

Bathwater, it's like, this guy lives in Ohio. He's fucking just wants my bathroom. He can figure it out. He's like, he does, like, a cross DNA. He's like, all right, well, technically, this water. They only sell this fucking soap. Yeah, I know. He just sniffs the water's like,

Manhattan. She's just like, you get to murder me now. I'm getting closer. I saw a thing the other day. It was a sex toy, and it was a foot. It was one foot. Oh, yeah? With a vagina on the soul.

Which I was like, I feel like if you're a foot person, you'd want to use two feet to, like, jerk off. Yeah, that's the point, isn't it? Yeah, instead of, it's fucked like the inside of a foot. Yeah. What color was it? It was white. It was white. Why?

I just, that popped in my head. He's like, I'm into black chick's feet. Yeah, that's my feet. Black foot. Yeah, I'm not, I'm into weird stuff, but foot, it's so funny here of feet and people like, that's disgusting. I'm like, I don't think it's that weird. You're into people's feet.

That's not my thing, but... Are you, Graham? No, not really. Like, it's not like, again, I'm not like, that's like, oh, that's insane because I've just, I know of way weirder. Yeah, of course. Yeah. It's pretty normal, but it's not my thing, yeah.

I think I would lie about it even if I wasn't. Yeah. Is that what you're doing now? Just you know how there's like the... No, I promise. You know how there's like the homophobic people that, like, repress gay thoughts? There's like a guy like that.

He's like, I fucking. hate people that like getting jerked off by feet. That's disgusting to me. I fucking hate toes, bro. Get that out of here. I don't want those in my mouth, okay? I don't want those nice, beautiful, soft.

She's got ten toes. Cover your fucking feet up. That's what he's into. It's just that she's got all ten. I want all ten. Yeah, that's a funny thing, but I think it's really. Chappelle likes feet, doesn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chappelle? Oh, I don't know.

He said that in a special recently. Was it Six and Stones? he said that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said he likes to fuck his wife's feet when she's passed out. Okay. Which is technically... Oh, yeah. I think he had a joke about. I don't know. I think he was joking about raping her feet. I don't think he actually does that. But your feet do fall asleep, so I don't know. You got to make sure those feet are awake. That was bad. I'm going to kill myself.

Yeah, but that's separate to this. Yeah. We were talking the other day, I was just drunk at a bar and I was like, I wonder if there's any, like, goth kids who, like, you know how, like, the cool. thing in being goth is like hating life and being depressed. I love the idea of like goth kids to just hang out with like a middle age man and they're like dude he fucking he's so edgy. He's just like my wife is a fucking bitch

and I want to kill myself like dude this guy this guy is fucking cool. What if that's like half the like Marilyn Manson just interviewing like middle age stockbroker? I don't know. I don't even know what job of them describing but just something off the job. Yeah yeah. Yeah I'm

I never thought about killing myself. No? Like, the thought crosses your mind when you're, like, walking on a bridge or something like that. But I'm never like, oh. In a funny way, like, if I say, think about killing yourself, you have to. It pops in your head. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's just like, when I stand by the train, I think about jumping in front of it.

But I'm not actually, like, planning on. Yeah, yeah. I also have that harm OCD thing where, like, my OCD is that I think I'll do things out of my control. So, like, I had this OCD where I, like, wouldn't stand by windows because I was like, what if I go crazy and jump out of the window? Yeah. Pretty normal stuff, you know. that happened. Is that way you live on the ground floor?

No, no, we live on the second floor because my girlfriend, I wanted to live on the first floor, but she said people could break in. Yeah, I wouldn't do. I don't think I'd go above six floors. That's how far a ladder truck can get. That's a great point. What's up? Next to on the fire escape.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they could climb it, but that's kind of a, they deserve it at that point. If they can... If they could call it. Spider-Man's going to break into your house. He earned it. Oh, that's good to shit out.

I'd get bars. This is a nice window, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they could use, like, a trampoline to maybe get up there. That would be fantastic. Just, like, with a ski mask, he's just bouncing on one of those, like, mini trampolings. It's just getting higher and higher. I'm going to get you.

What? Babe, did you see something at the window? Just, like, the top of his face kind of comes up a little bit, a little bit more. I like that idea. I do feel bad, though, because I think we are running out of time. Do you guys have anything you want to support, besides the proud boys. That's the default on the podcast.

Yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever gotten a follow out of this. So I'm going to promote the religion of Islam. Okay. And we at the Morning Good podcast do not condone that. All that kind of behavior is discriminated against here. Totally convert. Convert.

Convert to Islam. you're going to be as I'm going to list later do you can you like I mean we have a little bit of time but can you like you could be a you're white in Islam yeah you could just convert to Islam

a lot of people do that in jail right but if there's more black and Middle Eastern people than white people but you mean like a white white dude yeah yeah yeah yeah like a blonde Islamic guy I know if you I know

oh really yeah I know I know I know black Jews I have black Jews in my neighborhood like Hasidic Jews oh they're talking about black Israelites no no I'm talking about like black with the curls

Oh, really? Yeah. I've never seen that. I've seen that. One lives in my neighborhood. You never seen that? Wife and kids. Those things?

I didn't say that. Yeah, I know. Yeah, that's what we're. But yes, no, I've never seen that. How do you, like, I thought, I'm just confused. I guess you could do that, yeah. Yeah. You, Michael, fucking, let's do it.

I'm down. Michael become Hasidic and you send you. Or he wants to become a black Jew. You want Michael to do blackface? and be Hasidic Jewish? I support it. Yeah. Yeah.

What do you want to support? I mean, I would tell people to be gay, but there's already enough of, there's too many. Yeah. There's a, don't do it. It's not worth it. Is that a thing where, like, I will admit, as a straight guy, when I first started hearing about, like, not by people, because that's in the same, because they still have sex with women.

When I first heard about gay people, my immediate thought was so broadie, I was like, bro, less competition, dude. Is that a thing where like No, that would never be a thing Where I don't think there's no gay guys that like are like Oh, now there's another gay guy I have to compete with Because then that's the opposite And it's another guy you could have sex with.

Yeah. So everybody should be happy about more gay people. Okay. Less Muslims. You're like, everyone should like gay people. Right, Arden? Right? Go spread the word.

But anything you want to support? I've been, I've been. Instagram or anything. Yeah, Jesse Townsend's been like really pushing me to to be more shameless with promoting my Instagram. Okay, yeah. It's a Graham comedy. It's spelled like the cracker and then comedy. And, uh,

I've been doing it after shows recently and it's very uncomfortable for me, but I've also gotten like... You've been saying that after your sets? No, no, no. Like after shows, like people were like, hey, that's great set. I'm like, oh, thanks. Like, follow me on Instagram or something. It's just, oh, it's very weird for me to do. But then I've gotten like 20 new followers and that's like three days. I did that. I did that a few days ago.

on a show where me and another comic who's way more successful and way funnier, just been doing it longer. We both got the same two girls Instagram. And it's like now I have to like compete with that. Yeah. We could both go at it, but it's like me versus this guy who has like 20,000 followers and I have like 500. Yeah. So I got to fucking. Yeah, it's tough.

He had a better set than me on the show. But I'm like, was it TJ? No, it wasn't TJ. Also, some people, there's. There's like a balance because you should promote yourself, but some people are the extreme. Like, I remember one time this one guy was telling me he was thinking about doing comedy. And they saw him in his first open bank and he was handing out stickers that says like,

DJ funny man. Not DJ funny man. It was something like funny guy. Yeah. And then I was like, oh, you're just, I was like,

you haven't done stand up and you already have stickers with your name on it. Yeah. But I see a lot of that floor a lot. I mean, I get promoting yourself because it makes sense. But like, I would wait until I'm like really happy. I'm not even comfortable.

I don't like what I do right now. Yeah. I'm just trying to figure out this podcast barely. but anyways. Yeah, it's pretty bad. Yeah. Well, thank you for listening. And yeah, follow Graham on Instagram and yeah.

Convert Islam. Yeah, I guess.