Morning Good - True Equality - Episode 203

Episode Date: January 7, 2024

Jessica Levin and JJ Liberman join the show for today's episode. They talk about how to properly treat a podcast guest, the Al Bundy to Bam Margera masculinity continuum, and being gay in the 90s.Thanks to JJ for coming on the show for the first time, next time we promise there will be a glass of water for you. Thanks to Jessica as well for coming back on, find more from her on previous episodes of the show and hit the links down below for even more.JJ is on Instagram @jjlibermanlive and Jessica is on Instagram @jlevcomedy and you can find her in New York at  @fowlmouthcomedybk and @toughlovecomedy.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, good, good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Oh, you know, start up. Welcome to morning. All right, we're here with Jess Levin and J.J. Lieberman. Mm-hmm. And we're at this new fucking, dude, I'm so happy with not being homeless. Well, I bet, dude. I've been there, though.

I'm not homeless, but I don't think... You're at home. You're like, yeah. I mean, I did the same shit. I lived on couches for a very much long time. I hear you. I did it for like seven years, so I get it. Seven straight years?

Well, I would get a place, then I'd be there for like two months. And if some of it was like a couch or was a, you know, a blowup thing or it wasn't like I'm settled thing. Yeah, that's what I did. And I've been in five places in the last year. Oh, shit. All months to month. Yeah.

I would move at a clip up. Oh, by me. These mics like each whole of all. closer. Okay. Okay. I... Fucking cheap equipment. Jesus Christ. If you're going to do a podcast, do it right. But yeah, fine. I'll put it in my face. Yeah, yeah. Not the first time you put something like that in your face. Yeah, but yeah. I'd prefer not to, because I can smell the last open micer you had on here.

Oh, yeah. These are fucking disgusting. People are far in these, burped in these. I'm not paying attention to which one's which. Dude, I just got over pink eye. Please don't tell you that. How'd you get pink eye? I know, everyone's like all freaked out by this. I was, I think it's from a makeup brush that I used. Did you put in your ass before? No, see, everyone's, it all leaks it. Did you fart on a girl? I'm original. I'm just shocked.

I've just shocked you wear makeup. Yeah, I know. I know. I know, because he's up such a dyke. I do. On special occasions, you're not that funny, number one, and you're not, you don't deserve makeup. So, third, I got to think from a makeup brush that I haven't used in a while. Yeah, I guess it's not only from, because I got to.

It's tough of just shit and fecal matters from any form of bacterial. Like, I had a makeup brush in a bag that I haven't used in a while. And I went like this to blend something real quick. Yeah. And then I walked away. It's like I also refused to stop putting my faces in ass cheeks. Like 100%. Like I got tonsilitis three times in three months.

Really? Yeah. What's tonsilitis? It's like your tonsils get all fucked like swollen. From eating ass? Well, there's like a lot of things you can get it from. But it's like one of these things where I kept like once I got single, I was just being a dickhead and just putting my face in it. Like just kind of like, who?

Who? Who lets you fuck them? Fuck you. Cookers, buddy. Like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have my hair. So I still, I still, I still get pussy.

Well, I mean, it's going to take some time for 20 years ago. I had my hair. How old are you? I'm 27. By the way, yeah, so 18 years ago, you notice how this is like the lowest level. This is literally, I was, I was roped into this. I was roped into doing this because I saw that you had a lot of followers on this. I'm like, oh, this could be pretty fucking good.

Yeah. And then now, now I'm here. and I've been roped into this fucking... You've asked me twice to come on. I know. D-list podcast. I haven't been offered water. I knew it.

And, you know, I brought my own fucking water to... You are such a prima don't... What were you expecting? I've done some of the big podcasts in the world. I know, but we just... I didn't have a home until fucking... Oh, yeah, that's fine. I know.

You didn't have a lot, like, ignore you. And don't fucking plead case to him. And the only reason I... The only why he's on it is because his boys on it, okay? So if you want to really go there. Who else? Che. Che did this?

No, no. His eyes light up with a half. For where you've been on the biggest podcast is because of Che. Oh, no, because of Ryan. It's your own fucking thing. Okay, great. Ryan. One of the other Canucks who gives a fuck.

Shut the fuck up. Anyways. You're ungrateful cunt. I can't tell if she's serious. I can't tell if he's serious. I don't care. I'm calling him. I still love for you,

but he's an ungrateful cunt. You even knew you had the wherewithal to bring your own drink just like I brought my own drink too. Yeah, I don't expect anyone to give me anything. Oh, I expect. You expect water and go to people's houses? Let me tell you something. If you walk into my fucking house, you get first class treatment.

You fucking 27-year-old. You might have hair, but you're trash. All right. Hold on, hold on. I don't put you and him on the same level of shit. He's a 20-I know Michael Good. Do you ever know, do you know Michael Good? When I was 27 years old, I still had to borrow money from my parents.

Yeah, exactly. So, I mean, I'm not going to say I never do that. I'm not going to do that. When I was 42, I had to still borrow. I feel you. I just don't put anyone on the level of anything like that. Do you know what I mean? And I know,

for a while. Good hard. Now it's condes. Because she's defending me, which I appreciate. But now it feels like she's... But don't you know, like, as someone, don't you realize when people come over that, and this is not how you have to do it,

but you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, what can I get for you? This has been a thing I've never done. And my ex would always say, you need to offer people water and stuff like that. I'd say, as a grown adult, you're well... Well, wait, you're 27, right? Yeah, yeah. You can bring your own water or you can ask me, can I get a cup of water? No, again, at 27 years old,

I was not living in New York. I was pursuing a professional career in sports. And you're just, hey, man, you're just some New York fucking city boy. Not him. He's from Florida. He's from Florida. I was going to say, the opposite would happen with New Yorkers. I was raised with never going to a house without some form of, like, you know, bakery tie on it.

Food? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Always when I was a kid. There would be like to look out. You what? Bring food out? I would never do it to you. But I'm just saying, I don't expect anything for me.

You expect nothing out of me. I'm surprised you have a couch and a house to go into. This came in 20 minutes before you guys got here. They're on a couch. So where were going to do this? I was going to buy little chairs or something. Yeah, he was going to figure it out. But I just don't expect.

There's no part of me that's like, let me roll out the red carpet. You're still alive and you're pretty like clean, right? I don't know why you're so bothered by this. I'm shocked. You're really shocked. I'm shocked. I'm shocked. You need to lower your standards.

You know what it is? You have to come on. Are you in therapy? I bet be getting you your all beverages. You don't do therapy? I don't need. You should set your expectations for certain people, bro. No, no, no, no.

It's southern... First of all, Florida, isn't it like southern? Don't you have, like, southern behavior? Yeah, but I'm not... Geographically, not mentality. No, I didn't want it. Like, this is some sort of weird plantation where I have pastries for you and fucking little things.

Uncomfortable. The couch is great. Yeah, would that be better? The couch is amazing. You're on the best part of the couch. To be fair, this is used, and I've seen some gross things on this might be a porn couch. I'm not positive. That's fine. Do you have a theme to this?

A podcast or can we continue this? No, we can continue this. Okay, so I don't know. I just think any time that you're, you know, it's like even on, here's one, even on New Year's Eve. So we're doing shows at Brooklyn. Not everyone was booked to do big A clubs like Jess. But so we're doing shows, we're doing shows at Brooklyn.

And I said to one of the guys, I'm like, I think I should bring like pizzas, right, or something. You just think. Like, don't you think? you do yeah I mean but I mean I don't know like remember I wanted to do a like a Christmas party I was gonna cook yeah but I mean I don't expect people to like I've given up on people and I like expectations for me to be low as fuck right like I don't mind people like Michael's kind of retarded I'm not gonna expect a lot out of exactly that's kind of what I thought when you fuck up people have really like like I got caught doing drugs to very young age yeah then my parents afterwards were like okay he's probably I blew away their expectations when I succeeded so I don't mind people think thinking of me like shit and then I don't let them down. Well, I don't want to say, shit. I just think you're like you're a Michael good.

You got, you know, certain things that you'll go to. And then, you know, the roofs, you know, the ceiling's unlimited for you. Exactly. Do you know what I mean? I very. And I did ask to do this twice because the first time, the first time you said, sure, and then I had to wait. I'm like, who the fuck does this idiot think he at, like for not having me on as soon as I

ask. Why am I supposed to just have you on when you ask? Just fucking with you. I can't tell with you because I've seen you go off at people

and I can never tell just randomly you'll come in you'd be like these fucking open micors are fucking cock sucking little bitches and I don't know in you're serious. I get triggered by certain things.

Yeah but someone told me oh Zach Bravia he said he said I'm one of the most unliked people and I'm like good I'm like for what though but for what

but for what's the reasoning. What he said? And they said, well, people think you're an asshole. I'm like, for what? For what? Well, my thing is this, though. I think you're definitely an asshole. To who?

Have I ever been an asshole to you? I mean, you came on here. I can't tell what somebody's fucking around. It's hard tell if they're an asshole or not. Because in my mind, I thought you were actually really upset. Well, JJ, hold on. Let's get on this. I think it's okay.

Like, I think maybe you're an asshole, but I can be a bitch. I think there's the difference between being an asshole and a piece of shit. And I don't think you're a piece of shit. If you are an asshole, these are the rules. If you're a nice guy, you don't have to be. funny outside of comedy. If you're a nice guy, you don't have to be funny. Most nice guys are not funny, but if you're an asshole, you can be, you don't, you have to be funny. So where you're you saying I'm not funny? I'm not saying that. No, I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is,

I'm saying the general rule for people is if you're an, if you're funny, if you're funny, because you get away with being an asshole if you're funny. So then why are you making a stink about me being an asshole so you don't think I'm funny? Even though I, even though I did your stupid Wednesday show that time and fucking murdered. After you, after you, asked me to do the show. This guy asks for things that he goes, ah, you fucking piece of shit. You don't have water here.

I know. I know, though. See, it's hard of you don't know. But the thing is, you are cynical, so I get why people think that means you're an answer. I'm not a cynic at all, dude. I've never seen you walk into a venue and not be complaining about something.

That's because he's Jewish. Yeah, that's... So I should put up my low for cynicism, the bar lower for that. It's Jews, dude, they complain. They complain. But what do you complain about? It's a cultural thing.

I bust balls. I'm not complaining. I never complain. Not at comedy. Why would I complain at comedy? I'm 40 years old. I get to do comedy for a living. See,

the thing is I've just heard you have other conversations. How long do you know in JJ? I think he's just young. I think he's just young. But I think I also don't know you well enough to know when you're seriously or you fucking around. I mean, I've known you what, maybe hardcore maybe for the past year.

Yeah. But I've seen you around. Yeah. But I've seen you around. But no part of me goes, oh, it's fucking JJ. He's going to be a dick. I'm just like,

no, this guy seems angry when he comes into places. But I'm not like... But I get that too, though. People think I'm angry all the time. I'd rather that. Don't you rather... As I'm getting older, I do. Well, that's my thing.

No, it is fun. That's why... By the way, you coming on the podcast, not just because you ask. I think you're a good... Like, you're going to be a good guest. And I'm like, oh, this guy's fun. Well, I don't care what you think.

But then why do you... You can't keep changing the... Clips, baby. Clips! The narrative. He's like, he's like, I'm going to ask to come on things and then say, I don't care what you think, but then...

I don't play when I don't have water. I just break your balls, man. I don't, I really don't. He really will sick you off. That's what really, no, not my type. No, no, he's told me to my face. What, you want taller? You like tall, right?

He's just, I can't tell if he's nagging me or not. I bet on the show before he goes, that guy out of stage. That guy goes, you know. Come on, I said that. Yeah, yeah. Went just out of the blue? Yeah, that was like the third time I bet you.

What happened? Well, we didn't have gay sex if that's where you're asking. Who was on stage? I could say. Zach? No, no, no, no. Yeah, you can say. It was a Lucas Zelnick.

Oh, yeah. He would fuck that in a second. Everybody would fuck Lucas. I'm not my type. Really? Yeah. I'm sure he was in like Favik. I think he was in St.

Marks. Oh, right. Yeah, Lucas Zelnick. I can see you like you. Oh my God. That's what? What? I don't know the fucking dude

where he's going to go cry? No. No, no, no. Tell him. Fucking send this clip. Yeah. No, fucking. You like guys that like would maybe be on your baseball team.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Totally. You know we played baseball, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then at some point you stopped and then started doing comedy, right? Stopped, forced out

because I wasn't good enough? Yes. Oh, okay. That makes more sense. I'm assuming you didn't just drop the mid and walk off the field and say it's not for me. What position were you, bud? I caught.

You were a catcher? Are you a top? You were a catcher? You have the fucking balls to think I get fucked. stupid idiot. You think I take a dick in my ass? You're going to get fucked now. You're going to rape me on my podcast?

The fact that he fucks women and... That would go viral if you raped me on this pot. This couch is very... No, I meant you would go viral. If I would go viral if I raped you on a thing, I would not stay. I would not help out, but I would not stay. I'd be like, all right, this is done. You just watch me get raped on this podcast. No, Patty would come in and help you.

She put it on their... And you could put it on their list. You should have brought me water and gatorade while you're raping me. That's where you would then... You would rape me and then complain about my ass leave. This isn't even clean. I'm like, you took it from me. You fly a gator rate bastard with my electrolytes.

The difference between a hate rape and a pleasure rape. This would be. A hate rape. Gator, hater, hater. A gator, raper. Oh, nice, man.

So I didn't know that's how, I don't know how that works. So you only fuck, like you, you don't want a dick in your ass or you have. You? Okay, cool. So it's you don't want a dick in your ass or it's,

your ass isn't dick. Like, well, you were saying, like, why is it blow? I personally don't think it's pleasing to have a dick in your ass. Yeah, I don't, I don't enjoy, I don't, you know, it's not for me. I don't know. That's why, like. I could change, though, for you, JJ. No, I mean, I'm not at this age.

There's no way no. Can't, can't. His ass is not going to get like. I think you changed. Can't treat an old dog, new tricks. I don't know. Your sexuality is very broad, buddy. Well, that is true.

I didn't start thinking about women until 30. Exactly. So I'm just saying, like, you know. Wait, so you were gay and then by? You're gay. I'm not gay. I banged the trans woman. I had some fingers in my ass. Have you really? Yeah, you didn't hear about that? It was post-op. She had a vagina. I found out years later. Oh, really? So you didn't know in the moment?

No, no, no. I told the story enough. I'm going to keep going now. Okay. So she was like an older woman. And that's what I thought she was... That's one story. Yeah, he's good joke, too. Yeah, thank you, Jess. No problem, buddy. See, she defends me, but then now I feel like it's like my mom's friend defending me. So now it feels, this is more insulting than you calling me a bitch and all that stuff. Did I? When did I call you a bitch? I think you, I think you're feeling that because

of his energy. Don't fucking ignore his ass. See, but now this too feels, now this feels got the defense of me. I appreciate it. I think, I just think you're a East Coast South, South. He's not East Coast. He's not East Coast, but he's Florida, bro. But that's what I'm trying to say, you're a different kind of, you're a South East Coast versus like the North, We've grown... Coastal. You're coastal. Yeah. You're coastal boy.

We're a New England-y fucking... Where we've grown up through the fucking cold on the coast. And it makes you a different evil human being. Yeah, salty. Yeah, but... Yeah, I'm just a laid-back guy and then... Yeah, it likes that fun and, you know, wrestling gators and shit. Fuck you.

You're soft. I kind of knew this was going to happen a little bit. I was like, he's going to go into me. Because when she comes on, she just calls me trash. Well, I don't call you trash. I just say you like, you... You enjoy trashy things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would say for the most part I'm a trashy. Like, I don't have morals, but I'm a trashy person. So your podcast is generally not two people coming on and bullying you. Not usually, no. Most people are kind of pussies, to be honest. Really? Yeah, most people are, cut that, cut that, don't put that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really? Let me tell you something. What fucking losers did. I'll tell you a story, and he won't let me tell who it is. And I actually like the person who made, so there was a clip that was going viral on a buddy's podcast. Okay. Comic said, you've got to delete that now because the comic didn't even say anything,

but it was a little too racy. Racy meaning color or racy meaning sex? What kind of race? Racy color, but racy, racy, racy. Oh, really? Okay. But it was hilarious. Yeah.

I hated that human, I had not met that human being. Now you hated them. No, now I'm actually, I don't mind them. Oh, you can say who it was. I don't give a shit. Yeah, but I don't want. person doesn't know I know. So it's...

Yeah, I gotcha. Also, you're going to cause shit for someone else. Yeah, I don't want to... I don't cause shit for nobody else. Yeah, but your own. Yeah, that's a rule. I come to you. I'll say whatever it is to you. I ain't going to fucking say nothing. I'd rather that. That's what I'm saying. I'd rather an asshole than a piece of shit. Yeah. A piece of shit wouldn't come to the face. But yeah, he'd rather all his friends who talk shit behind your back as soon as you get

past at a club. Right. Oh, I'm sure that happens. Oh, exactly. Body. You'd never hear from me. That's kind of on you, though. I'm like, if you want to talk shit, like, you're kind of probably going through something because I'll talk shit about comics. Really?

Yeah, absolutely. But it's only because I'm like, oh, it's only because I'm not happy with where I'm at. I never. Well, at least you know that. I'm not in that game. Because my thing is this, I've never talked shit about like an open micer that sucks.

I've only talked shit about people getting things. And I go, oh yeah, the only reason I care is because this person's ahead of me. Because that would be the only two things. If I think somebody sucks and they're not doing anything, I've never once talk shit about them. But then the people that I think suck but get something. I go. You never heard the, I think it's Churchill.

Is comparison as the Thief of Joy? Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Is it Churchill or is it one of the... I don't remember, but I do know the, whatever, the phrase. That is so applicable to every... What do you do for work aside from this? Oh, right now I'm burned through savings.

I need to get a new day job. Are you? Yeah. I burned through it. I did that. You're cutting him in a middle of a moment. I did that... A moment.

We almost moved in together. And then I think... he had his friends tell him better and he... No, that's not what happened. That's not what happened. He concocted this... This is not what happened.

People did say some shit, but I did not. Oh, see? I know that. You're fucking... But that's not why we didn't move it. We didn't move it. I'll tell a story. Me and my ex... Yeah. I was like, all right, we'll tough out the least. She goes, we're not

tough out the least. I go, okay, fine. We'll both move out. Then I found a replacement. So we... And I hit you up. I was like, oh, okay, instead of that, you and I'll move together. Very excited by the... the way. I was fucking hyped. I'm not even kidding with you. I was excited. Yeah, yeah.

Wait, was this when you were homeless too at this time? Yeah, I was legitimately, legitimately sleeping. You're probably out of frame. Oh, I'm at a friend. Well, it's the JJ hour over here, fucking flipping out of it. I was legitimately, this was I, because I'm week to week every month in New York with money. So I, my dogs had a place to live. I didn't. So I was sleeping on. You're still going to Whole Foods, though, right?

Still going to Whole Foods. And I was sleeping on sometimes Chase, Florida. I would have to sometimes get, I would have to like do a big splurge for two nights. I got back into town. I had nowhere to go for two nights. I would stay at the pod in Williamsburg. I was sleep at Chase. If Chays was around.

If he wasn't around, oh, it was brutal. I slept in the green room at Brooklyn Comedy Club for a couple nights. Thank God for that club. But anyway, so then we connected and someone said Michael Goods looking for a place. and I'm like, oh, fantastic. And I've only seen you from around, but I think you put me on show. You've been super nice to me.

It was super friendly. So I'm like, oh, this guy seems cool. We spoke and I was geeked. And then things felt good. Yeah, and my ex goes, she found a place that started after the lease. Oh. So she's like, actually, we should stay together.

And I was like, no. I was like, I got to get the fuck out of it. Not that we're very amicable, but I was like, I'm not going to, if we're not dating, there's no fucking reason for us being the same house. She's crazy, eh? Say it.

I'm not. I'm not, I'm not. That is more than I will not talk shit about it. I will not talk shit about it. Tell the story. I will. I will. I will.

I will. I will. I was going on. I was talking about I'm a little with JJ. They're like, good luck. I was like, who said good luck.

Which one? I literally don't remember. I'm not just saying it's. I'll tell you every fucking guy who smith slams you. There's a list. I have a fucking list on my phone. Let me hear. Let me hear it.

The Michael. No. But there was the same thing. Everybody said they're like, I have phone with a bunch of twinks in your apartment. I was like, I don't care if you just butt-fucking people in the apartment. Why would they bother me? I was going to say, why would they know who they're talking to?

You've done a lot of fun stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the last one to fucking judge that. Why do you bring a lot, do you bring, now that you're single, do you bring a lot of pigs over? Well, my thing is I haven't had a place. So I have brought zero people to my place ever during any of this. Okay. So it's all been fucking people with their place.

I bought a hotel, which was, that was crazy. Sick. Yeah. Where? In Florida. But I dropped. money I didn't have on it. Like, and I got a hotel.

Was it a nice hotel or was this a skate by hourly hotel? Okay. Yeah. It was one of the... Ramad, what are we getting? Do we do in? It's called, uh... Was it Hilton? Alphond Inn. Where, what part of town? Winter Park? So what happened? You go home for the holidays?

Yeah, and I was finger on this girl on my parents' couch and she's like, oh, I'm a screamer. We can't do this here. Really? She probably just meant fuck me in a nice hotel. There's no way she's like, we could have done it behind a dumpster or something. And was she a screamer? Yeah, yeah, no. It was a great time. I was bleeding out of my my face because she told me to shave and I took a blue choo. So now now the blood's like going Oh yeah. And she had to like hold my face. You took a blue shoe? Wait. Yeah. I think

boner pills a lot now. Oh, do you? Yeah. I'm going to have a dude that we're going to do Friday night, boner night. Friday night boner night? Yeah. Boners and pizza. Or like Saturday or something. Once a week, babe, you're getting a blue pill and we're fucking. Yeah. Well, it's so, you don't have to worry about it. That's my favorite thing. You just take you're like, I'm not even going to have to think about what I got a boner night, especially you're drinking. So how did you meet this? So this is a I'm gonna match with on Bumble, but I knew him from back home. Okay. So it wasn't clearly that she saw you do stand-up, you kill, and she was turned on.

No, no, no. I haven't gotten laid once from stand-up. Neither have I. And I've done this 11 years! Yeah, yeah. But I think it's also my act. I'm talking about, like, dead babies and, like, banging a trans woman. And my therapist is like, go after me, girls. I'm like, no, it's usually just one guy complaining or a lady complaining. There's always, like, a lady mad at me.

And I don't want to, it's fucking annoying, hang out after shows. Is it really? They get mad at you? Yeah. He's had a couple of things. I've had like a lot, but it's like, I don't even like a, he did a dead baby joke and a couple like happened to lose their kid. Oh, great. Yeah, they could play. Fantastic.

They like, they come up. They did the whole like lifetime movie channel thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it was going to be like some fucking a few good men. Well, I don't know if you know this, but you do you know the walk? Like, there's a specific walk I've, I know now with somebody's walking up to complain about a joke. They're coming for me. They're coming for me.

They thought, in my mind, I was like, oh, they want my Instagram. I fucking had a great set. And I was like, I was like, yeah, my Instagram. I'm like Michael good comedy. And then you show me a grave with flowers on it. And they're like, our baby just died and your joke made us feel horrible. Let me tell you something.

I couldn't give a fuck about these human beings. That come to a comedy show. Where was it? It was a New York Comedy Club. Oh, it was okay. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't give a fuck about them that come to comedy and they expect you to fucking vet

every single asshole who goes to a show too fucking bad. You should have said I'm going to that grave and I'm going to fucking spit on it. it tomorrow. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, that one never... But I do think people don't know

what they're fucking getting into sometimes when they go to a comedy show. Yeah, well, it was funny too because I was like, they were like, we loved, it was the last joke I did. It was the last joke I did it. And they go, we loved.

And I was like, why did Hitler shit? I did suicide stuff. My friend killed himself. And she's like, well, that's different. I was like, well, to you, but your baby's an inanimate object to me. Your baby's nothing to me. There are people that they're just,

they're in their own little world and forget about it, dude. I was crazy. Like, I don't understand, And, like, my buddy was talking about, like, I went to the suburbs recently. And just seeing how people live, I hate and I love them. You love them for their simplicity, but you hate them for their simplicity. But you got to take the hate and the bad with it.

The expression, go touch some grass, right? They'll tell you, like, when they think you're out of touch with the comment, they're like, go touch some grass. Go, you know, go be with the fucking people. I'm like, get out of here, man. Yeah, exactly. So whatever, fuck them. But, yeah.

No, I was not just like, bleh. No. I was like, when they asked me, you apologize, that sounds like, I'm not going to apologize. They asked you to apologize. I was like I had nothing wrong. Yeah, exactly. But it was also,

it was also like, I didn't kill your baby. I passed in New York. So I was not just going to be like, fuck you. Right. Whatever. And I was like,

your baby just died. Like, that sucks. Like I was like, I was like, bummer dudes. It's so not fucking chill. I was like,

do you think the baby died that day? And they're like, hey, we just need a laugh. Well, no, no, no, no, what they did say it was really funny.

They're like, we've been trying so hard to get our mind off of it. I know. And then just... It's funny if you would have been like, what'd you do? I always ask how people die.

What happened? What happened to the baby? The baby's died three ways. Did you ask another? What's the three ways? What's the three ways? Bathtub. That's what I was going to say.

You should ask a mother. I'm like, did you drown it? Did you drown the baby? And you're fucking putting it on me, you salty cunt? Yeah. Yeah, because it wasn't. Yeah, what wasn't me, obviously, they didn't.

Oh, you didn't kill the baby, you dummy. Wait, so, I feel like it's bathtub, sickness, I'm going to lump that all in together. Okay. And then, uh, dog? Dog, like, get mingled by dog? Yeah, I don't think that's up there. Really? I think pool.

Yeah, pool. Dr. That's a good one. Yeah. Sickness. Sickness. Eric Clapton it. Of a balcony?

Yeah, maybe. I don't know what the numbers are on that. No, I think, I think, I think. because of I think kids are now being born with like definitely their microchip but you think babies are getting microchipped?

Oh for sure. Wait, wait, wait, I got to get it. You got to use a big conspiracy theory, guys. Are you really? Yeah, I fucking love it. Okay, so I think because of what we eat and how everything is so processed and like basically the air and everything like that,

I think kids are born with more disease. I don't think, you know, when people when I started comedy, people used to have those like peanut allergy jokes. Like, you're a kid's a pussy. Yeah, right? Like, there was a very hacky thing when I started comedy 10 years ago. I do definitely think it's been environmental changes. And I think kids are now more susceptible to, like, cancers and stuff like that.

So I do think that's much higher. I don't know if that's a fact. So I do definitely think, like, children oncology is high. I think it's always been, like, pretty high. I mean, dude, it's... But you think there's more babies dying or getting sick or what? I don't necessarily think more... There used to be a lot of babies.

That's what I was going to say. Yeah, that was... That's why the age of death was so low because so many babies would die. You know what, though? I just saw a statistic. I think I think infant mortality rates have gone up in this country, which is like... Recently. Recently.

Yeah. Yeah, right? I don't know where I thought. That is wild. Because, like, things have gotten so much better. So your babies are still dying. Sure. Like, health has been so much better, but you're still winning.

you have a weak immune system susceptible to disease. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what the exact numbers are, but I did see that because it is odd. Yeah, I don't know. I got pink eye and I had meds the other day.

So I'm very helpful. Yeah. Is that what you took? You didn't tough it? Oh, that was the one thing. No, I'm not going to tough it out. No, fuck that, dude.

Stuff for the eyeball and it took it away two days. So that's the other thing you said initially, and I know we got cut off for a sec because I want to say, because he talked about his therapist. Uh-huh. And you said, I should take therapy. I'm not saying you should. I'm just wondering if you do.

No, I don't. I tried it twice in the last 10 years. I just, I think like, I can see the benefit. I don't think he needs it. I can see the benefit. You don't know him that well. Why do you think he doesn't need it? I know it.

I think that. Do I need therapy? Probably not. No. You don't think so. No, because I think you, I think you probably do go. But I think all the things that you, are looking for the answers, and I'm not an expert.

I'm a fucking idiot. But I think all the answers that most people are looking for, they have them. No, I agree. But don't you agree that maybe talking it out and letting it out in a way and helping it organize and talking to a person is a good way to go? That's what's for stage time. No, maybe. That's what stage.

No, I could see that. But I also have a strong group of people that I have, that I'm friends with that. I'm very, and I don't know, maybe it's just, I can see. Again, I can see the value of it. I can see the value of taking SSRIs for like a couple weeks, antidepressants for a couple weeks. What's our SSRIs? Like antidepressants and stuff like that.

I can see the value of it. I do not see the value. And again, I might be ignorant, but I do not see the value of long-term antidepressants. I agree that completely. So therapy completely changed my life. Like, help. For me, it's night and day how much better it is. But SSRIs, I'm pretty fucking again.

You took them? No, no, no, no. I'm scared to take them. Dude, I'm prescribed... What does that stand for? Serotonin re-uptake, whatever inhibitors. Really? Yeah.

Yeah. They're antidepressants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think, I, look, I think... I'm not saying about that. I'm just saying in therapy in general. Like, I got a food therapist that I'm learning a lot. A food therapist?

Yeah. For what? For my fucking eating shit. You got dick and milking from tits. I got a lasagna. Oh, sure. I could, I could... But believe it or not, whatever the food is,

therapy, you think I have the same like, oh, that's a struggle with mine. So every day is like literally 24-7 food, food, food. I messaged you at like two in the morning. I know. I'm like, yo, make me cake pops. And then I had to, then I had to expect. And then he's just expecting so much for everybody. And I'm bringing you treats.

I'm bringing you water. And I had to unsend. I didn't even tell you this. I was going to tell you what I'm sorry. I had to unsend the first message. I'm like, yo, when we get cake pops, like, I thought it came off like I was trying to fuck and I was like, yo, you fucking asshole. I know the context, you dickhead.

I got to Dave Chappelle this. I will be weird, though, with anything I send to a female comic, though. Really? I'll be like, yeah, so I'm a little bit fucking... When I started comedy, you know how many of these fucking pigs I used to go through? That was when I was starting comedy and... Sorry, starting comedy and also starting to get into women. So it was just so funny to me, though, just the idea of starting to get into women.

Wait, do you remember what happened? Like, was there a... day or was it just like a gradual thing? So I was dating this guy Oh this is when I was in closet. And then you're like maybe. No, no, no. I'm not into guys.

I like a specific like Matt Rife type Lucas. What's his name? Selnick. Here you write that down. Yeah. Boring white guy comedy. I'm just fucking with you.

You fucking dummy. So you like thinner guys? No. Athletic. He's like, yeah, he's built. He's like. Athletic looking. Lucas has got a little build to him.

He's got built, but he's got a build. He likes the anatomy. You know, you'd probably beat off to Michelangelo's like, dude that's like this. Not that, but yes, I like that anatomy. You're more like a Roman, like a Greek or Roman gay. Yes. Where I like to fuck 13 year old boys. Right, exactly.

Because it's them giving, you're giving them knowledge. I'll show you what. We had the Bay class in college and one of them had to like defend the pedophiles. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, we're like, Sarkatis. is teaching them. That's what it is. It's a transference of love.

Oh, okay. But that guy's also pretty thick, though. No, he's much thicker than a Lucas's Zalnik, but he's, uh, but in the round. I see your nine-year-olds on there. Uh, man. Also dead babies. Um, yeah, there's a, you have a, you have, uh, you have, uh, you have like a, uh, it's

kind of the, the vendigrant, you kind of have the spectrum of what you like. And then there's a crossover. Right. Uh, with women, though, women. I treat them all as holes. So it's... That's equality. That's true equality.

They're all just... It's just a piece of meat. It's literally a broad to me. You know that's the term... They're gashes. Yeah. Well, that's a broad comes from... A piece of meat.

A piece of meat. Isn't that a piece of meat with a hole in it or something? Or it's a piece of meat. Something like that. Something of that nature. I can't remember. The whole type thing's really complicated

because people are like, what are your type? I don't know. I think goth. are hot. I think country girls are hot. But you're still young. You're 27. Yeah, but I don't have, in my mind, I'm like, I don't know, you know, I would say kind of porny looking girls.

Oh, you like the trash. Suicide girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's hot. Oh, okay. I don't really like girl next door. That's kind of gross to me. So you're like, in the 90s we had this thing where you probably would remember the, remember the manned piccy chick. No, I don't remember. You don't know that.

Okay, so during, like, you had Garden State and all these movies came out and it was always this girl that's like, he's got mental problems and she's got a thing. But, like, I do also like a little bit of, like, I don't like girls are too thin. Oh, guy. And I don't like... Suicide. Yeah, suicide. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So she's got a little scratches on her or something like that. You're like, mm, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me just tell you something. You'll learn a lot from this right now. If you just offered us water and had snacks at the beginning, it could have been this good the whole way through. If you...

He's got Reese's puffs. You want that? You just... No, and that's the other thing. I actually do, those are the things I'll never do. I've been smart where how I like crush the calories. Oh yeah. What do you do? Well, I avoid those.

And I'll just wait it for like bake goods, bake good, bake good. And I'll eat so much in one day. Okay. You gorge. I gorge that I'm like physically uncomfortable the next day. I got you. I can't do it again for five days. Like me and Dan Janine went to go get Martha's bakery. Yeah.

He just gets one. Don't like it that much. No, it's like fine. But it's, it's, it's, it's key because it's close by and it's open late.

And you know what it is? It's consistently solid. It's consistently solid. You know what I mean? It's like doing this podcast every day. It's not great, but it's... It's all right. It's all right.

It's not bad. It's not bad. It's not terrible. It'll do the job. Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, it's fine. Cuns. So we go to...

Does having AIDS make you grumpy? Is this, what is going on? If I knew someone with AIDS, I wouldn't, That was always my scare is catching AIDS. I would imagine, dude, I'll be terrified of age. There's a whole grinder, like, topic for pause people that want to fuck Pots. Dude, there were...

What's Paws? Positive. They call them pause. They call them Paws. It's funny. It's the whole category. It means you that's gay. Yeah, it's a whole category.

It's like, because we were fucking my best friend's gay. No, no, no, no. Bug Chasers are people that have... Don't they put keys. They put... No, bug chaser is someone who has such anxiety about catching. matching HIV and this is more, this trend doesn't exist now because everyone's on crap. Oh, they'll fuck to get it so they can just get it and get it done with?

Get over. Dude, I live through, when I was in the closet, I couldn't get tested for seven years because I live with anxiety every day. Every day thinking I had HIV. I did too. You were the wild there because I fucked the Moroccan guy. And if you looked up back in the day, they're like, what are, you know, some idea, like you should get tested if you stuff with someone from Africa.

Yeah, but that was how limited they were. back in the day because you're talking like AIDS epidemic was what 80s right? Yeah, right? Still through the 90s. Yeah. I mean, kids and all that shows out. So, do you see the movie, kids? Yes.

Yeah. That freaked me the fuck out. Have you seen the movie of kids? No. It was like Chloe fucking Radcliffe when they were all babies. It was like all baby actors. Philadelphia was what fucked me up. Well, I'd get that.

I still don't fully understand though. The whole, like, I get, okay, so like, if I feel kind of sick and COVID's going around, I'm like, all right. At this point, I don't. really get tested for COVID because I'm like, it's fucking... It's like having a cold. Yeah, whatever. Right.

But if I had an A, I guess I get both versions of it. I get, I get being so scared, but I also get like, I'm fucking about, like, I was fucking a bunch of dudes without a Conno. You were? I knew you were a faggot. I was. I was. I would be like, oh, okay, well, I, I'll be so freaked out that I want to get tested

to, like, like, in those days, because HIV can turn to AIDS, so I would, I would want to get, takes years. Okay, but I would, I would, I would be like, if I, if I, this is HIV, I want to make sure it doesn't turn into AIDS. But you were just so scared. So scared. So this is at a time, like, Jess would probably remember it is, it's in the 90s, early 2001.

There was still a massive stigma towards HIV. Yeah, it's changed now. It's really good. Yeah, because you can live for like 40 years. I'm still terrified. Or they take, you can take pill where it's like, it's undetectable. So people are fuck. Yeah.

Prepp's like crazy. Prep. Prep. Prep. Prep. Prep. What is every, every kind of gay guy or by guy, gay guy on the podcast?

Is I going to say something's kind of gay? They're like, you're gay too now. I'm not like, first of all, please don't compare me to talentless facts that you've had on that. So the truth is, so you're living, I would go, I would sneak off. This is when I was in baseball. I would sneak off to the gay area in Toronto.

Gay area of Toronto is as. Driving, I was going to say. It's probably biggest New York, right? One of the biggest, and it's only on one street. So there was a crossover in my time. And I'm not even being a story. Now, most of the 80s-AIDS guys are now dead. Right.

So, but when I was starting to go out in 1999, I was in the closet, I was playing baseball, they were walking around. They were still alive. And because of how harsh the medications were, the Dallas Spires Club, they would have no body fat except in their stomach from the, like it was hard, though. It was from the steroid. It was steroid. Oh, bro.

completely sunken in vain faces, vascular. And so you would see it. You would see a man walking around with only torso and literally like twig arms and legs. And so I'm witnessing this every day like I would go sneak off. And so I'm like conflicted as it is. Like nobody knows about me.

I'm living the baseball life, the straight life and the gay life. I would see this. And then I was hooking up with dudes and then I start fucking without condoms. I was so stupid. And then I would start seeing people who I had unprotected sex with

have their profile on like a website and it said they were positive. Oh my God. That's fucking freaky. That is helpful you could see it though. That is helpful to be like, that guy looks kind of AIDSy. I'm gonna like stay away.

No, but most people though at my age because the medications had improved in the last 10 years, you couldn't tell. So the late 90s, early 2000s, They were getting that fucking, or the mid-90s to early 2000, you get the Magic Johnson meds. Yeah, yeah, yeah, which were like the good stuff.

Yeah. I think, as a conspiracy guy, I'm sure, surprised you've never gone through this one. The AZT stuff? No, I'm surprised that you don't think Magic doesn't even have it. And it's only a conspiracy. This is fun. I heard of this.

But I've heard of, I guess. Yeah, why would he say, he was at the top of his game? Maybe he just got paid. I don't know. I don't know. But I just don't know, like, what would be the... Oh, it's like EZE, like for sure fuck dudes, right? Because isn't it like so hard to get AIDS from a woman?

Like, it's like almost impossible. It's literally one... So I used to go into... I didn't know this. Yes. So I used to go into the clinic. So there's a place in Toronto called Hassel-free Clinic. So you don't...

Hassel-free. But this is what's amazing... You know, as much of people shit on the health care system in Toronto. Yeah. Or in Canada. This is what's amazing in Bill of Canada. If you're in the gay community, or you don't have to be gay, but you can go get free tests and also free medication if you have an STD.

So I would go in there the first time I finally got tested. I was like in tears and the guy said to me, you said, oh, I was in seven years I hadn't been testing. I thought I had HIV and I got the rapid test. It wasn't that time, but the next time the guy said to me, have you, are you, the last year, are you like a top? And I said, yes. So you cut?

And I'm like, yes. They were also probably asking me because I was hot at the time. So they wanted to like jerk off over later in the fact. Because Toronto's the city of bottoms. But it's true. I was gorgeous. Imagine me with your hair and, you know. You always is for older.

You are in shape for your hair. Yeah, yeah. And not as faggy as you in my 20s. So they, how am I faggy? What's faggy about? My legs are crossed right now. No, no, no, just your whole demeanor.

Yeah. And so. You think I'm faggy too? Both said it at the same time. I'm just saying, like, if I'm comparing the two of you, there's no way. You are more masculine than me. Right.

Yeah, you should be a comic at 27, you fucking theater nerd. No, I wouldn't go that far. Right. Well, my thing is the opposite. I'm so bad at everything else. And I'm like, all right, this is like where. Exactly. He's kind of like a slut. That's how I got into this.

Yeah, yeah. You're like, I'm such a fuck up at everything else. So bad at life. We're so bad at fucking life. Wait, I weren't that bad at baseball that you've made it to some place. I just, no, I just cared so much. And people just kept me around. Yeah, I was a try heart and people like, I was Rudy.

Now I'm changing my posture. Right when you call me faggy, I notice I'm going like this on the podcast. Now I'm just like, fucking. Okay, don't touch me. You're from a different era, dude. You're just from a different era. You know, of course it's going to look like, you know what I mean? If you look at, when you're looking at him and then, you know what I mean?

But I think there's also a Florida beach laybackness. It was, it was a uptight kind of cold. We were right, even what affected us culturally, and I'll get back to the AIDS top thing, we were affected. Do you understand how good TV was? Married with children could not even get on a fucking writer's desk in a pitch meeting.

And it was just every guy that I grew up with was just alpha, a guy's guy, fun, funny, and just a ball buster. And then when I got into comedy, that's when I was first exposed. I never watched standup until the day I started comedy in 2013. Then I was exposed to O&A, Opie and Anthony.

Oh, word. And what influenced me was also club. Like when Trump said this, when Trump said this is locker room talk. Yeah. And people went, what the hell? Nobody talks like that. I'm like, everybody talks like that in the locker room. And not only that, everybody talks like that in every situation,

except today because it's all monitor. Right. But you got to understand, I grew up. Like, my thing is when I was in middle school, South Park, like it's like, oh, true. Yeah. at South Park, Louis was at his game, like top of his game. Like when I first learned about stand-up, yeah.

But I will say my generation is the fucking lamest. Because my sister's five years younger, they don't give a fuck. Those kids that age talk so much shit and they're a blast. Still, still, and I love Louis. I think he's brilliant. But still, again, look at what I was influenced by. Even though South Bark is really risque and it's so edgy, there's still not that man, the leader of the household,

who I was influenced. by that was so ever present in the 90s. You fucked with that show. That was your show, huh? This makes sense. Not just that, not just married with children. But even the Cosby show, like there was, there was still some, even though there was beta towards his wife,

he was still like this. Raping them. No, no, no, you know what it is? I can pinpoint this. He was still the leader of the pack. Men were the leader of the pack. I completely agree with this. So as far as like just comedy being edgier,

I don't think there's a big difference. but there was more masculine energy to it. So like the funny guy at my high school would be a guy with a Justin Bieber haircut who's calling everybody a retarded a faggot. So there was not that softness to it. It was still just as harsh but it wasn't as masculine. It was like the sort of guy who's drinking monster energy drinks

and he's calling people retarded. But that's a different thing. It's like it's just as edgy, but it's not as masculine. Yes. Yes. That makes sense. So I was going to say real quick too. The thing about married with children though, that was why it was kind of like

the perfect time capsule of an era because it was beginning the catch wind of a man that was losing the household. Because you remember, the next-door neighbor was a cuck. Oh, Steve. Steve, remember how much of a cuck he was? He did everything. His wife was pushing him around.

And he'd be like, why are you taking that? And then you had Paggy, be like, and she played, though, Al every now and again, too. But that was the foil to Al Bundy. It was kind of like, but that was also fucking Al Bundy was also like, he was like, if you will, like at Arthur Miller, like the fall of the modern man. And he was kind of losing that.

Sure, but he was still at the end. And he's a schmuck. He's kind of a loser. He works at a shoe store. He was a loser, but still at this time, he was a schmuck, but still at the beginning of scene when they're all grabbing money, it's him that he's. Has to get the money from. He is, there is still that distinct role in the, uh, the fan, what do you call it?

The family, whatever you call it. Nuclear family. He still is the man. He still is the driver. He still, and the wife is the. Our influences were like Bamargera, like there's guys like. guys like that. That was like... I remember that... Wait, hold on, though. That's weird, because I was...

grew up with that era, because I moved to PA and we were around him. So I would have been probably like 10 or 11 when Bamargera was like... Like, it hadn't started, but like probably Jackass 2 or 3 was coming out around then. Okay, because I moved to the part of Pennsylvania where he did Camp Kill Yourself and they had that whole show... Yeah, but that was going around Westchester. That was before Jackass was C-K-Y. Yeah, it was right. Like, yeah.

But my, I think my generation was influenced. Even the jockeyer guys would have long hair. Yeah, yeah. Look at though, 99, we had Fred Durst, right? That was the guy, right? We did it all for the dokey. Yeah, yeah. You had M&M, which with the blonde hair.

I'm just thinking about Matt, like, the men. Yeah, that was when I was like, five. So just to let you know, when I was in baseball, coming to the end, guys were not like nobody had long hair. Nobody. Yeah, long hair was so popular. As in the guys on the weightlifting team, the guys in the football, everybody had long hair.

No, they didn't come in until Boston. Yeah. Boston's team from what year? Oh, yeah, yeah, the 2004. 2004 that Red Sox team did change. That's why they were against, like, they were against the type of, am I going to, is there going to be a time where I go on? I'm like, Bamargera, that was a man.

No, being mean to your mom and skateboarding. No, but you're, I think, I think you're just. to, no, because at the end of the day, comics have always been comics. There was, when I started, there was this movement towards Alt. It was like, and it led into like the Me Too, like all these guys, like the UCBs, all those guys thought

that was, and I don't want to get too much into comedy. But there was a beta phase of comedy where those were the cool kids. Oh, the flannel kind of like flannel wearing. Yeah, they were the cool kids. But that was society. Yeah, yeah. That was society. Society just took a fucking

turn. And to be honest with you, that's why fucking Trump won. People hated the way it was. Oh, totally. And a lot of those guys, like not as to UCB, but a lot of the flannel wearing hipsters and that they kind of moved right. It went both ways. Sure. Someone went this way.

Like that, you know that... It's not a comedy thing, it's a cultural thing. No, totally. Like, you know that guy who does all the What is a Woman, trans documentary stuff? Yeah, Matt Walsh. No, no, somebody, I think it's something else. Yeah, Matt Walsh. Yeah, yeah. I don't know who you're talking about. That guy... Him and Stephen Crowder, but where... Yeah, he used to be like a

hipster guy. Yeah. It's like some of that hipster. I don't know what I'm named. Because he's, uh, daily wire. He's also to,

he's a day, he's daily out wire he made, um, but he's also to me a charlatan. I think he, he goes with what I don't think he's, uh, those guys who were hipsters to now this.

I don't think they're fucking, I think they just go. No, totally. Yeah, they're just following trends. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, I'm my phone. But he still looks like a fucking, like that kind of condescending. Yeah, yeah, so let me just send this on.

about the AIDS thing. And can you just at the end of it, please tell me about the microchipping babies. If we could speed... I honestly don't know if that's a true thing. Okay, damn, I was so excited for it. So basically the guy told me, and I don't know, I've heard this multiple times,

if you're only fucking and you're circumcised, the chances of catching HIV are literally one in a thousand. Oh, really? It's mostly circumcised guys getting it? No, no, no. I'm saying if you are circumcised... Yeah, you're saying uncircumcised. It's uncircumcised.

But again, you have to... That's weird. Why, what is the... The flap is causing... It's protecting... It's protecting the AIDS? No. It's the opposite.

It's the opposite. He's saying, if you're uncircised, you have more of a percentage contracting AIDS. Yeah, yeah. It's a higher risk. That's why they did circumcisions in Africa. Europeans have more AIDS.

No, but that's why they did circumcisions in Africa. Yeah, that's why people go to Africa to perform the circumcisions to help with HIV. There's, like, many things that's... Yeah, yeah. Tim Tebow, the football player, went to Africa. To cut women's clits off? No. No. That's the fucking country.

That's the country that does that. That's the country that everyone's supporting right now. Which was it? I don't know. All of them. Palestine? I don't know. I don't know.

But yeah. But yeah, that's why people go on these. I didn't know that about that. Yeah, people go on mission. Tim Tebow, during while he was in the NFL, went to, uh, one off season to like it's Christian fellowship. Yeah, I know he's a missionary guy. Missionary guy.

I didn't know that they could they help circumcise. That's got to suck if you're a 30 year old man. You're getting circumcised now. I mean, that's also disgusting. All those foreskins. What are you doing? Ooh, that's a lot of force skins. And they're black forces.

They're fucking big. That's like tar. You just got a giant fucking. It's like a tech. I thought you were going to say. They're gross. No, I was like it's in a gross because they're fucking big. I was like, ew, don't touch the black.

Thank God you didn't say that because I would have said. I know. Then we all would have been racist. Have you never fought the black guy? Oh, dude, you want to hear the funny story? And then I'll get out of here. The first black guy I hooked up with, it was, again, it was during the uncomfortable, everyone has AIDS days. Everyone has AIDS.

So it's this, like, you want to talk about this sculpted human being here. I think he was probably a couple years. I might have been 21. He might have been 20 or 19. and he was 17. No, no, no, I'm actually not into kids. I'm actually not a thing. Of all the gross things I'm into, thank God.

Yeah, that's why I think it's kind of. No, that's why you like that Roman Greek, like you like the chiseled, like male. Yeah, yeah, like a maleish. It's also, there is something funny about like, it's very funny to aggressively judge pedophiles with something I'm not into. It's like, look at me not fucking. I'm like, well, I'm not attracted to kids. There's no point of me bragging about it.

And everybody's like, ugh, look at these people. I actually talk about that because I'll say... Have you ever met a pedophile? I feel like you would run along. Not only have I met a pedophile. You made sweet love to one. This is the craziest thing. No, because there's a lot of people in the gay community.

This is why I don't agree with like the acceptance of everyone. Because when they fucking okay, like they do in Germany, it's, oh, they try and destigmatize pedophilia. Right. You know which group the fucking pedophiles go in. Same group is like the, like, again, if I was gay, I'd be really one. worried that they're like the accepting of pedophiles. They gave us trans people.

That has nothing to do with sexuality. Why are, and I'm not like saying this is a mean thing. Like, don't come in. I think it's about the acceptance kind of part of all. Yeah, but I don't, again, I don't want to accept all these fucking things because people finally started to like us.

And now they, now, but it's true. And now, dude, I will say this is true. We did all the PR. Dude, dude, dude, I will say this. I was friends back home that were very home. homophobic and now they're not. And then Dylan Mulvaney started to drink my light. And it fucking just,

it's ramped everything up. And I'm pretty, like, as I said, like I don't really give a fuck. I'm very open with that stuff. I'm pretty accepting. But it's very funny that like the second, the Dylan Mulvaney thing happened,

people fucking went crazy. I don't blame them. I don't blame people. I'm like, you know what? Because then you have the fucking lobbyist for the gay community. Like,

well, see how people, like the lobbyist for the gay. Dude, first of all, Dave Chappelle is brilliant. His recent special is brilliant. his trans stuff is fucking beyond brilliant.

But there are advocates in the LGBT community. I'm like, yo, these people have nothing to do with me sucking dick. They have a fucking dick, but that doesn't make them, and it, and it blows my mind. Less of a person than, you know what I'm saying? No, but that's what I'm saying. It's not less of a person. It's just like, I don't think minorities are less of people. If you have no longer penis, you are less of a person.

A little bit. You have less of a. Yeah, women are. But no, it's not, it's not. But we got tits. So that makes up for something. It's not less of a person. It's just I don't, I say, I, I've never been able to work this out.

But it's like, why do I have to, uh, on board you? Because you're also a fucking minority. Yes, I think of equality. But don't fucking all. Because to me, I see how it's so dehumanizing to me that we're all just grouped in together. Well, I hear you because it's like just saying like, you know, being a woman. Because you can be a. straight trans person.

Yeah, one's gender, one sexuality. And also, that's my point. You're gonna. Yeah, why aren't women now put in that too? Because they have a sexuality too. Now, I'm not saying they should be. I'm saying by that logic, women can be put in with that.

You're gonna eventually, you'll mark this down. It's either the dumbest thing or the most brilliant thing I say. Time stamp this. Eventually, they're gonna, when they de-fucking stigmatize petas, they're coming in our fucking group. And I'm like, what, fucking dogs and shit? shit like LGBT yeah no not petas like pedophiles oh pedophiles oh peters you meant peters

no i say pedophiles and i'm like oh man fucking dogs be stealing now but yeah but dude bring them in i'm telling you there is fucking well i will say this this is the other problem too like anything in life everyone's exploiting one group over the other to that's how they create control just like we do with palestine the jew thing so it's just like the same thing with the whole gay thing. It's like, why does it matter that a trans fucking hold like, why, why, why? I don't even, like, I don't, like,

why does that ruin someone's, who gives a fuck? You know what the funniest thing is too? I just don't get it. Do you know a thousand other influencers did stuff with them? Yeah. It just, they just happened to zero. To me it's just like they're stupid because they're trying to, um, they're placating. But people shouldn't have freed. People

shouldn't have freaked. It's like, why? Why? Because people, people don't have anything to do in their boys. They're The board. The news sucks now. The news sucks. I think it's like it's, cable sucks.

We're getting stupider and stupider not and in some ways smarter. Yeah, you can do you want to stay? You might stay in for like 10 moments or something? I'll stay. You appreciate it. Thanks guys. Where are you going?

Yeah. I got two shows. Oh, look at you. Where? What are you talking? I got to be there too. I'm at 8 o'clock. I'm hosting.

I'm going to set up. Oh, are you managing? Yeah. But, um. All right. Well, we'll leave at 730. Oh, you do? all right.

Why don't you just leave five minutes? It will do, all right, well, it's up to Mikey. We have, let's go for five more minutes. Okay, fine, let's go, sorry. But the,

the pedophile thing, yeah, it's very funny because it's like, there's a balance to it because it's like, no part of me is for accepting pedophiles at all.

Of course. But it is a funny mentality. It is because also, sorry, go on with your thought. The mentality of people being like, oh my gosh, look at this guy who's attracted to kids,

fucking kids, I would never do it. It's like, yeah, well, because you're not attracted. Exactly. Yeah, it's like somebody... It's like somebody bragging about

like not wanting to fuck animals. Right. Yeah, well, you're not attracted to animals. That's the whole thing now. You can't... How do you cure pedophilia? Like, this is the answer. Somebody who's attracted to kids

and doesn't fuck kids is more of a moral person than you or I. Oh, yeah. Because they have temptation and they don't go for it. I have zero temptation to fuck kids and I don't do it.

Which is like, that's like me... That's not being a hero. That's like me bragging about not fucking dudes when I'm not gay. It's like I'm not attracted to dudes. You're not being a hero. Yeah, yeah.

The guy that, or gal, there's not that many women pedophiles. Dude, there's straight ones, very few lesbian pedophiles. It's almost never. It's always a chick fucking a student or a dude fucking a little boy or a little girl. There's never women fucking... Right. Because I was just watched Spotlight recently again. Did you see that movie about all the priests that fuck the kids?

No. Majorly is little boys, but they do little girls too. Interesting. Yeah, there's a small percentage of little girls. But to the priest That was a movie? I thought it was a porn. No,

that was all kind of dude, buddy. It was influenced by a bunch of things. But mostly because, first off, pedophiles are usually created because they were fucked and stuff like that. Recidivism. Oh, yeah. Nice word. So then also for priests, they never felt, they're like, they didn't get gratification from it.

So therefore they didn't create or burn a cardal rule. wait, oh, oh, so they're like... They never came, basically. Ah, so wait, wait, wait, wait, that's... That's... What? There's a rule. Wait, wait, there's a rule you could fuck somebody

if you don't come, it's not immoral? Well, it's not them, but that's just what... That's their justification. That's their justification. It's like, well, I wasn't getting gratification from it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, therefore, I did not, you know... To me, honestly, like, let me tell you something.

I have had deviant evil thoughts, but that, but that I could... Um, I could never, I could never. He thought about it. He's like, ah, no, it involves other people. But I could, I could. You thought about raping me before coming here. He's like, this guy doesn't have fucking water for me. I'm going to rape him in the ass on his new couch.

I wouldn't put my dick. See, I think he's nagging me a little bit. You've told me so many times you don't want to fuck me that it's almost coming off. I mean, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. To me, I think, you look like Jay Lennon. Jay Leno. Like, you look like young Jay Leno. I've got that a lot. Yeah. Like the hair? The hair, the face. But my thing is

though, that how is that? He's got like a fucking, he's got like a moon face, like it's a moon. He's got a nice little jawline. He's got the heart face. But I think this is a masculine face though. You don't think so? He's got a good jawline, don't you think? Yeah, look that. No? No. It's just too like, he's too, you know what you are? If you want to know the truth? Dude, this isn't hurting my heart. Well, yes. She's, she's acting like, you know, I think this You know, y'all? I think it's... Honestly, to me...

You said you didn't want to fuck me so many times that it sounds like you're playing a game. Bro, you're fucking bland. You're like I'm going... I go to fucking an Irish... He's a communion wafer? I'm just at an Irish-American's house eating boiled stew and it's unsalted.

It's not good. Lucas Zeldick, now I'm gonna start... Now I'm gonna start... Now... This didn't hurt my feelings until you said I'm glad. Because Lucas Zeldnick is just a... It looks like a skis. He's a skier.

Yeah, but his body is... Incredible. Okay, okay, that's fair. He's chiseled. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. He's like, he's like pumped iron. He looks, yeah, he looks. Yeah, yeah. And I could see him, I'm gonna book both you guys in the next box. I can see you not get hard the whole thing. And I could see him why and women desire that. I don't, I don't know a woman who desires you. Oh my God. You and I go out to a bar. I will get significantly more pussy than you. That is the greatest thing ever. fine. Take all the pussy you want, buddy. But I don't understand your argument is a guy who's kind of into women. I don't see the women that want to, like you're also, you have a, you have a gay guy's perspective. What's that? You have a gay guy's perspective.

No, I don't, buddy. You don't have a woman perspective, so you have no way of judging me. 3.5. You're 3.5. This is not true. This is not true. I don't want to make this podcast about me getting pussy, but I get pussy. What's Lucas?

What's Lucas? If you're giving him a number. Oh, he's a hard eight. Oh, he's a hard eight. 8, 18, too. But what I'm saying, it's not a fair perspective. That's like judging a, like, lesbians have different tastes in women than straight things. If you didn't know, Che, what do you think Che is?

Oh, Che is very good. And he's not my type. Yeah, what would you give him? Oh, I would give him in the eights. Chee's very good looking. High eights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay, B plus.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah. Even Ryan. Ryan's not my type of. Oh, Ryan. Ryan, one of my best friends is not my type at all. I think he's like, I'm not, I can't be friends.

We could be such great friends because you are physically unattractive to me. You are a heinous man. What are you talking about? You're sure. Hey. Oh, now you're taking shots. You asked why.

And now friendly for an hour. He asked why. He asked why. He said it look faggy. Sorry, buddy. Hey, can't stand the heat. Get out of the kitchen ugly. They're a fucking sloppy Joe.

Sloppy Joe face. Sloppy Joe act. We could be such great friends. You look like you have a. I wouldn't fucking shit. fucking shit you out of my asshole if I had the worst diaries. You didn't want to suck somebody's dick.

Would you be this mean to them? If you didn't want to fuck them? I don't know. You should write for Trump. You're fantastic. If you didn't want to fuck somebody, would you talk this way? Do you want to,

you talk about, he shook. He's, you're broken. You broke it on your own podcast. You're broken. You can't even say anything. No, 30 minutes.

You can't even say anything. You want to fuck me. You asked, roll back the tape two minutes ago and you asked why. And I told you why. And now you fucking shook. No, I'm not shook. They're going to kick you out of this apartment once they see this tape.

They're not. You want to fuck me? Because there's no fucking way. There's no way you would have. I wonder if you would want to fuck Jake. Have you know Jake Timothy? He's closer, but he's still unappeal. Like, like, facial-e hair.

So Matt Rife is 10-10. Yeah, but that's a fair agreement. We all want to do. No, I just want to see what his limit says. And then what's a zero for you? Can you give me a famous zero person? He's going to say me. Because he's fucking tithe.

There's no way I'm the ugliest motherfucker on earth. You know, I will say you have broken. I am yelling on a podcast about how I think you want to fuck me. You're on part with, like, look-wise. Have you ever seen the guy, beetle juice, the black guy? Have you seen beetlejuice, a midget black guy? There's no way. I look like the retarded guy from Howard Stern.

Yeah. That's how, that's how. This is, all right, now I got to take it down a notch because I know now you have to be fucking with me. There's no way. I look like a retarded guy with three T. There's no way it's that. Look at my teeth.

My teeth are black. What do you care? I'm a troll. I'm a 43-year-old troll. No, I know. It's just at this point, it's like somebody I didn't want to fuck. How about Matt Bowman? What do you put Bowman on that?

Bowman's not. Bowman, I don't want to start writing comics. I didn't want to. Oh, yeah. After, after you go through every fucking comic in the world. I know. I know. I'm not going to.

I'm not going to. But my thing is this. A lesbian woman's taste in women is not the same as a men. So a gay man's taste in men is not the same as taste in women. Because I'm not, as I said, I don't want this to turn into I Get Pussy Podcasts, but I promise you, there are hot chicks that think I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, fuck you. You did break me though. You did, you did hit me in a certain spot.

Who cares? Because I do pride myself at being able to get late. I just busts your balls. You really pride yourself on that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Like, what are you thinking? Like, what's your clip?

What do you do? What's up? On a good week, what do you get? Oh, not more than one. Oh, okay. That's great. In college, yeah. In college, what?

You were doing what? It was like two or three a week. Oh, I think, but in college, everyone's fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not me. Also, Florida State, that's a, that's a. Oh, you went to FSU? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that also fuck up your confidence. They gave day, very other girls hot and shit. And I'm like, oh, I get hot chicks. Like, oh, I also went to the. Dude. That school. FSU, you want to talk about what I would, I dream of mine? Baseball.

Good, good, everything. Football. The dudes there? Dreams. Oh, yeah. That was going to say. Well, apparently not all of them. Tim Tebow?

How about that for you? That was U.S. But yeah. Yeah. Well, whatever. But Tim Tebow, you bang, right? Yeah, he was a gay. Well, was the guy Aaron.

He was the guy, Aaron Hernandez. Oh, Aaron Hernandez. You might have died, bro. Amazing. I've hooked up with guys who are in the closet who are famous. Oh, have you? Oh, my God. Are you to have hair?

I have a question. Are you still in the closet guys better at fucking than not in the closet guys? Good question. Some of the. Great question. Yeah, because it's, it's, it doesn't feel. It's like secretive, right? It doesn't feel gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, doesn't feel gay. So are you not, you're not into a feminine men? As a, as, I treat him like a woman as a whole. I think we leave on that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, what do you guys want to promote? My Instagram at J-Lev comedy. I don't want to know people.

You asked to come up. J.J. Lieberman, Life. All right, thank you. And I, you know what, I will admit, you did fucking break me. I am sweating, talking about how I get pussy. You totally. Did you really? Dude, for a second, I was like, I was like, I'm a fucking hot boy.

And I just started going up. You really fucking got this. Because I can't, no, I can't. This fucking troll, fucking troll. I'm a troll. I'm a troll. I'm a, he is a pretty novel. Oh, my God, dude.

You're really good at it. You even explained to him at the beginning of the podcast. This is what I do. Yes. And then I was, yeah, you're right. The Joker won. It's like the end of the dark. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's why I don't get one people get all mad at you.