Morning Good - Tweaker of the Week - Episode 178

Episode Date: July 16, 2023

James Pontillo and another guest comic join the show for today's episode. They talk about being Rock Star gay versus regular gay, BBW fetishes, and getting hit by a train. Thanks to James and our other guest for joining the show for today's episode. You can find James on Instagram @pontillosauce and check out his new podcast @humiliated_pod. Also check out Bitch Sesh in Astoria, Queens.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax.

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, by way, shout out to Tim's Brace. Welcome to morning. We're here with Malia Simon. Hello. So much enthusiasm. And James Pond. He was four hours later. Yeah.

And James Pottillo. Hey, what's up? You said you got back from Austin? Yeah, I got back from Austin on Tuesday. See, I think the thing with that there was like, everybody's like, Austin's sick. I visited and was sick. But people say the same thing about New York. People that visit New York, they're like, I loved it here.

I was like, because you were here for three days. That's probably true. Yeah, that could be Austin, too. Yeah, yeah. It's only there four days. Once you move in there, it's just like a horrendous. It's so hot. Well, because that's how New York was, I remember visiting New York?

It's like 105 every day. But I'm from Florida. I don't mind. Yeah. I like hot weather. Like, I like, I like it a lot. Yeah. Okay.

But what is it like? That's awesome. Like, fuck you. It's going to be the worst podcast. I guess. Wonderful. That's great. It's going to be an hour of me asking you why you didn't do that puzzle.

Well, like, do you remember I visited in New York and I was like, this is a wonderful city. I, like, lived here for a summer. Wonderful. And then I moved here. Wonderful. Even your language was like more proper back then. Yeah, I was like, this is wonderful. And then, like, I moved here and I was like, this.

Like, I remember I drank a cup of coffee. and then I had the biggest anxiety attack I was like, what the fuck did I do? Why did I move here? This is terrible. Well, think about Austin, like nobody is like over the age of 30. It's weird.

It's just like children on the corn. Like, it's just all young. That seems bad. Yeah. Kind of. I've heard ketamine's big there. Yeah.

A lot of drugs. They do a lot of drugs. Every city should have their own specific thing where people come visit and they're like, yeah, we do GHB in the city. You have to pick your own one. Yeah, yeah. There's also just like no cops there.

It's weird. It's just like, There's no cops. I didn't see any cops. Like 6th Street in Austin's like really overcrowly. People drink like on the street. Isn't it dangerous though in 6th Street? No.

I mean, I survived. Yeah, that's true. You're kind of a giant pussy. Yeah. Have you banned to fight? Once. Really, what happened? He's called him a giant.

It was playful. It's playful. I was on time. Three minutes into the podcast. Call him a giant pox. Less than two minutes. Yeah. I think I was 15.

Okay. And I won. Against a nine-year-old. Yeah. Like my pregnant sister. So I think how that is two wins because the baby didn't make it. Yeah. Fuck that baby.

Yeah. So who'd you fight? Some kid in my class, it was like English class. He was really pissing me off. What was he saying? I don't remember. It's just like dumb shit. He was just like, oh, I fucked your mom last night.

You know you too. Yeah. I don't know what happened. Something in me like just, I got up and I cornered him. I started hitting him. And then the teacher walked in and she knew. So it was in a fight, you just beat the shit That sounds like an autism attack.

And like the teacher... And the teacher walked in like as It was about over So she couldn't really say anything And like what was he gonna say? Like oh he was beating the shit out of me like Yeah Yeah

No he fucking was like flinching and like I don't know how it happened Like I didn't even know I knew how to fight until then See that's the opposite It's a fight or fight literally I like punch somebody and like That was so much less effective than I thought. I'm never like, oh, it turns out I have these sick skills.

I'm always like, Jesus, I thought I was way stronger than this. Yeah, I started doing jihitsu like a year ago. Of course, because you do comedy. You got to, yeah. And it is a lot of fun, but I'm like, I can't see myself using this in a real situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's all grounds, though. But that's everybody's fetish.

They're like, dude, I can't wait till, like, people don't think I know how to fight. And then I break out all these sick moves. Like, they just, it's purely, it's more purely self-defense, meaning it's more to, like, contain someone than to actually, like, hurt them. I do love the idea. though, somebody studying jihitsu for years waiting for a fight. Then you're getting this shit kicked out of them.

That would be funny. But they're just, they're like, you messed with the wrong guy. Like saying you messed with the wrong guy. And then still getting good enough. Remember that, remember the Larry Nasser case? Of course.

When the dad's like, just give me one minute alone with him. Oh, yeah. That was funny. How funny if Larry Nasser beats the shit out of the dad? Yeah, right? He fucks him off. He comes out of black eyes like,

never mind. You know Joe Liss has that joke about it. Does he really? Yeah, where he's like, like, imagine he said, yes and you're the dad and you're just like oh oh shit so James Joe List Pontillo is your new name

yeah right yeah but what do you think so many business podcast I didn't know that I was like oh shit I've heard this but what did he think the judge was going to say okay yeah go yeah yeah yeah yeah dude just in the middle of the trial I'd be fucking sick yeah yeah yeah yeah it's kind of the dude I had my podcast our first guest she was molested by Larry Nasser oh dude I saw that yeah yeah she's like she's like so cool about it yeah yeah yeah really makes you think rethink

molesting. Yeah, maybe it's not so bad as what we're saying. Yeah, yeah. But he would have, like, he would have silly conversations with her while I was molesting her. What? Yeah. Like what? Just like, he totally, like, she had a funny face and stuff.

Like, Wally, his hands were... Yeah, Wally. He's like, you're not even the cutest girl I've molested this week. She said she was molested three out of the four times that she saw him. Jesus. I guess he had, everyone has an off day. What happened on? Everyone takes a day off.

Yeah, I was going to say what happened on the fourth time. I think she said he had an intern with him. So he's probably so pissed. You see he was like fuming. He's like, Goddermy. Yeah, he molested like 600 women or something.

This is insane. Yeah. Yeah, that dude's fucking evil. Oh, completely. 600, that's a lot of women. I've never even talked to 600 women.

No less molest that many. Yeah, I don't think I've, yeah, that's a crazy amount of people do. I wasn't like, I don't think I'm molested 600, but I was like,

no, I don't think I've like hit on 600 women. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. That's insane. Yeah, you have to be like keeping a, you know, that stat of like,

um, like Jeff Bezos, like, if he drops $100, it's like, takes him, he's like losing more money by picking it up. Oh, really? You know how people say that? Why? Because the time it takes? Yeah, yeah, the time it takes him.

Like, things like that. I bet there's like something you could say like that about the $600. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The time it takes for him to say hello to a girl. He's already met molested 100 or something like that. I feel like your listeners have molested people. Do you seem like you have that fan base? Maybe.

Yeah. I mean, I obviously have some friends that have been molested that are like, really? Yeah, of course. I'm not going to, this is not my story. This is not my story, but it's like, yeah, I always wonder. A lot of people, a lot of us have been molested. Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was an ugly kid. I didn't get molested. Yeah. I like when you stopped it as a dog. You're also very unattractive. Yeah. Hey, I'm trying a different vibe with a podcast.

It's like between two ferns, which would be really mean to Jones. Yeah. But have none of the funniness of Zach Alphenachist. Is that his podcast between two ferns? Yeah. or he does like, it's like awkward interviews. Yeah, where he like insults that. Oh.

Yeah. But did, uh, is she a comic as well? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't just find someone who was molested by Larry Nassar. That's what you're trying to view jokes. You're like, so you were molested, huh?

We tried to get Larry Nassar. We got the next best thing. Larry, could you just give me a couple leads? Just give me a couple people. I just got to get some. I do a Zoom, like, podcast from prison. But what else? Yeah, he did nag a lot, she said.

And like, he'd just be like, oh, like, someone's having a bad hair day. and then molested her. Oh my God. That's psychotic. That's insane. Dude, Mr. Michael Jackson was like that too. He'd be like,

oh, you're not even like my favorite. And he would like minutiously manipulate the boys. I believe he was found not guilty. By who? People that like his music. That's like it.

Well, no, it's in his case. The jury said he was not guilty. Yeah, but like, okay. I know he did. What a weird to compare. That's fair.

But it's still weird as shit to have kids over at your house all the time. Yeah. And to have like a fun land in your house. Dude, that's weird as shit. Oh, yeah. You can't deny that. A whole land of fun?

No. It's too much fun. Yeah, limiting the fun. But, yeah, no, it's, yeah, I am part of the OJ. Simpson's Innocent Facebook page because I like, I love Facebook. I love being in weird Facebook groups. I've never seen you post on Facebook. That's so funny that you're part of this.

Yeah, I'm just part of fun groups like that. Casey Anthony's innocent, OJ. Simpson's Innocent. Tweaker of the Week, which is just local methhead stuff. Oh, nice. But fucking 12, I guess, reasonable people found them innocent. during your trial. You don't know these people are reasonable. That's the thing.

Well, there's no criteria. You don't know what went on behind closed doors. Also, are they not innocent, but they're not guilty? That's like the technical term. No. Is it? Or they're not guilty. Yeah. It's a hung Jerry if they can't decide. So that means if they

don't decide, that means they're not guilty. But they're not innocent either. Yeah, then you have a second trial. Okay. And then it's hung jury again, then then you're acquitted. You only get two trials. Okay. I've no idea how any. Someone knows all the details on this. Yeah.

No, I like true crime. I like the idea of you being a lawyer. I'd be a bad, I'd be a criminal lawyer for sure. Were you defending criminals? Yeah, for like robbing women's underwear or stuff. That would be my gig. I do perf crimes only. Highly specific.

No, I'm just at that. That was the funny thing. All right, hand it over. That was the funniest video I saw. It's like local man has been arrested for sniffing the benches at the local gym. Or no, sniffing women's feet at the gym. And the guys get. getting arrested, he goes, I was framed by President Barack Obama.

It's just the funny thing, the idea of Obama sniffing women's fiend being like, I'll blame it on you. You could probably do that if you were the president. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But 12 regular people could think he's right. Could just be like, yeah, he's good. Yeah, but there's also so many stupid people. Like, it's like the thing.

I know. That's the thing about juries. There's no criteria to get on a jury other than that you can't be biased. For sure, yeah, yeah. You can't have like, you know, you can't show any bias. Yeah. But it's so easy to like, on your questionnaire to, like, lie and just... Oh, for sure.

Well, they give you a jury questionnaire to make sure you don't have any bias. It's like... That's all they do? Yeah, like if it's a murder case, like, have you ever been the victim of violence? It's like the last... It's like one of those tiger beat ones. It's like, who's, you know, you know, which... Which, Jonas' brother are you?

Which episode of friends defines you the most? I got a justice fucking bullshit. Two trains are going 20% and stuff. There's math problems and stuff. Yeah. That's wild. Speaking of meth, though, that fucking Facebook page, Tweeker the week is amazing. It's like, there's one, the most, the one thing I will say is really fucked up is somebody

followed a method with a drone. So it's like, POV. And I'm like, that's so fucked up because that meth had his biggest fear is that there's drones following him. Oh, yeah. And nobody believes him. And then he sees the actual drones like, I fucking told yourself. Dude, you can't do that.

No, it's so fucked up. Like, that is really fucked up. I like intervention. I started an episode like that of intervention. The guy's like a tweaker on meth. Yeah. But he has like a whole family. and they're like, you're killing yourself.

I think he ends. He just keeps doing meth. That's pretty anti-clinactic. He's like, no, I'm just going to do meth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like, I don't know. That's a great, that's great. I hate when they end when they get clean at the end.

It's so wild. You're watching. It's just like, you fucking, that's hilarious. For drugs. There is like, I mean, I don't know, there is a piece of me that, like, wants to do hard drugs. I don't because I'm like, that's a bad idea.

But there's that, I don't know if you guys have that five where you're like, there's the occasional little voice in my head that's just like, smoke crystal meth. Sometimes. You could do it one time. If you found out you were dying, like, in two days, would you do it? For sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I love how there's so many better things that can get my money away and I'm like, or, you know, maybe spend time with my grandfather and really get to know him before he passes away too. But I'm like, let me get some crystal meth and smoke. Yeah. But I think it's also.

Why not both, dude? Meth with my grandpa. Yeah. Take math and then take care of all your remaining connections. and he was like speed connect with every member of your family. That's what Doug Standobe and his like mom did. Yeah, he killed his mom.

Yeah, but like they did a lot of drugs together when she was dying. Whoa. Yeah, people that don't know what he did was his mom was dying of something and he basically assisted suicide his mom with pills, right? Yeah, they both like took drugs together

because they couldn't. But he could survive on them or something like. Yeah, he's just such a drug. He's like, I can handle this much trick but this much will kill. This will kill you. But it was a really crazy story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's so. Whoa. And she died, right? That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she was old. I don't know what the morality of it is. I don't know. I'm kind of... She wanted it, though, yeah.

Yeah, I think if you have a mental health examination, then I think you should be able to do assisted suicide. Like, if you're like, okay, I think that I'm going to die of this. Like, I'm in so much pain right now. Definitely. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It's like almost cruel to keep people alive sometimes. Oh, yeah. But then the hard part is the mental health stuff because then people are like, oh, I'm in so much mental pain that I want to die.

And it's like, well... Yeah, that can get better. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. that out. Well, you didn't say it, so. We do whatever. That's true, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We say depression's for fat people.

I said fags. Yeah. You're adjusting it. He's trying to save you there. Oh. Oh, damn. Yeah, she's trying to save you there. Yeah.

Shit. You've also said that on morning good before. Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't done the show a few times. Yeah, yeah. Every single time you ended up saying. Yeah.

That would also be a funny statement to make the depression is for fat people. Like, wait a lot of. It's like a chicken or egg kind of situation. What makes first? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you eat because you're unhappy? Are you unhappy? Are you unhappy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. That'd be a funny thing a therapist says. Like, maybe you're surprised because you're fucking fatty. It's funny if they sold shirts like that at Disney. That just said that. Depression's for fat people.

And they sold them at the Magic Kingdom. But everyone at Disneyland is fat. Dude, they're so fat at Disney. Disney's just a place for big fat faggots to go. And just fucking take the fast pad. Isn't it crazy that the fast pass is for slow people? Yeah. Yeah, well, everybody's slow, so it's, you know.

But the fast pass. Besides those Mexican kids on Helies, they're going fast. My brother has autism, we see it the fast pass. And it's like the fucking, it's like the grossest couple you've ever seen, just like having sex with each other in the line. Yeah. But something's kind of hot. I don't know, I'll occasionally watch porn where it's like a gross couple.

Occasionally I'm like, this is hot because of how gross it is. Like, I can see a pile of clothes and I'm like, this gives a level of realness that I'm kind of into. Oh, trust me. I've watched gross porn, but I've watched, but I'm talking about like, like amusement part couples. That's like a different level. Yeah, yeah.

There's a certain level of like disgusting fucking... I'll watch like a BBW porn here and there, but there's certain level... Which BBW? Big Beautiful. Yeah, I'll watch that occasionally. I'll be like, okay, there's some hot fat chicks, but then sometimes... I don't think there's so much weight on the vagina that it like... Have you seen that where it just falls down? I don't think there's hot, yeah.

I don't think there's hot. Is it that they're hot or is it that they're so disgusting that it's kind of turns you on? That's interesting. Like, you feel better by comparison. Not even that. What's the BBW guy thing? Like, dude, like, disgust and, like, being turned on are, like, kind of, like, close around the corner. There's a thin line.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So it's like, that's an interesting thing. So it's like, yeah, is it a fetish for fat people or is an attraction to fat people? I've always wondered that. Because the second you finish, you might be like, this is disgusting. Versus being like, oh, this person's actually not bad.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. is there a female equivalent to BBW, like big beautiful men? Yeah, I'm sure. I think it's just like...

I think it's just like the NFL. Yeah. What? Just football. They're just big and they're just... They're not fat. Some of them are. Like the line?

Oh, the linebackers? Oh, yeah. I guess women are, some women are into fat guys, but I don't know if it's a disgusting. I feel like for women with fat guys, it's more of a like safety thing, like comfort thing.

Oh, you're like, he like can protect me. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. But there are definitely women who are into like ugly guys, I think.

Oh, for sure. I know girls that will, they'll specifically date a guy who they think is below them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is weird. Wait, do you have the numbers to any of these ones? That's such a...

What a great episode. I'm having a great time. I totally forgot you were a half hour late. Oh, God, damn it, dude. I was getting... Has there ever been a porn you watch where you had to turn it off? You're like, this is too gross. Yes.

What was it? I think it's like... Don't say interracial. Just a Chinese girl. Look, I tried it, and we didn't work out. No, I think there was one where it was like, you know it was, there was, I remember this very specifically. It was like a

older woman having sex with like a stepson kind of thing. And then I was like, this was getting boring, so I fast forwarded to it. And it was just her pegging him with a strap on. I was like, this escalated so fast. Her stepson? Not her real stepson, James. Your eyes widened. Oh, it's not the real step. No, no, yeah. They just say that? Yeah, in the

porn? Yeah, no, it's a big disappointment. Why? Why don't, why? Why? Why don't just have the real thing? Wait a minute. They didn't say it in the thumbnail. Pegging was not in the title and the next thing. That's the biggest thing.

That's the biggest. That's the way out of left field. That's the biggest category. They're like pool sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strap fucking your step off. You can't just leave that out. Was he enjoying it, the kid?

I don't remember. You know, I turned it off right then. I was like, this is. Yeah. I've tried it before. I've looked at Pegging board. I'm like, maybe, because I think like a woman being dominant's kind of hot,

but I look at it. I'm like, nah, this doesn't, it doesn't quite. Dick. Yeah, yeah. The idea is hot of a woman being like, you fucking pussy. I'm gonna fuck your ass. Like, okay, but then you watch you.

Like, this is disgusting because it's like a dude's ass, which is like... I think it's gross. Yeah, yeah. I'm not into it. Not a lot of people are. I've watched like, like, super old guys. Like to the point where they're like gross looking. But do you like it or you like this dumb?

No, I like it. I like that it's gross though. That's what I'm saying. I like that's gross. Like a 20 year old. And she's kind of like, Ike. And he's just like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And he looks so like. such a brutish animal and you're like yeah. But it's weirdly, I get what you say it's weirdly kind of hot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't agree. Yeah. Because it's like he has no shame too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's going to die soon.

Like, that's a good way to... You might die in the video. Just bloopers. Imagine he comes and then die. And it's all dust. Yeah. Well, the funny part is they're doing chest compressions on him and Jizz is squirting out of his dick while they're like... Oh my God.

That's so disgusting. My dog. save him and it's just like, psh, psh, psh, we add that out. That's all, everyone's going to come down. That's gross. Yeah, it was really gross. Yeah. That's crazy.

I don't really watch porn anymore. I've stopped this week. Not permanently. I was like, let me go for like a week. But I still watch porn. I'm like, I'm just not going to jerk off to it. Do you like the stories? Like the story lines?

Yes. Yes. But it has to be believable. Like the word, the higher production value, the worst of porn is. I definitely agree. Because like the higher the production value, he's like, I'm the police officer. Yeah. So stupid.

My friend had Star Wars. porn on his in his apartment. It's just like, I didn't even realize it's... What level of autism is that? That is extremely bad. Star Wars porn? It's just like a wookie on the cover and then you open it and it's just like these stormtroopers with their dicks out. Ew, wait, what is it's a magazine? Yeah, it's like a pitcher magazine book.

Who has porn magazines? Yeah, it's Star Wars one too. What are we in World War II? I thought it was pretty interesting. I haven't met your roommate, but serious judgment right now. It's like, if you told me he watched videos of like, I don't know, like a woman fucking a hentai, I would judge that less than Star Wars or something about it because you know that person's an actual fan. Like somebody might be watching hentai and they're like, I don't really like anime, but it's kind of hot.

You have to be like invested in the lore to be like. Yeah, like somebody watches Harry Potter porn. I'm like, ew. Yeah, that is. But if you're like, if you're like watched a weird video where it's like, I don't know, they're kind of dressed like elves. I kind of like it. I'm like, that's a weird different type of fetish than being like, I just love Hogwarts and the fact it. Yeah, yeah. It's like, ew, you fucking, you're real nerd. By the way, I have comic books right here. But if I watched a Batman porn, can you imagine?

This is disgusting. This is my childhood. Or like bringing it into porn. Or like watching a Harry Potter porn, like pointing out all the inaccuracies. Yeah. It's nothing like the movie. Yeah. Well, that's what they have to do.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That is like being too into something. Yeah, right. People are the fan fiction with that. They like read the little dirty Harry Potter stories. I'm like, that's fucking disgusting.

Yeah. It is so. And that applies to everything. Like if you're watching like, I don't know what. I guess Harry Potter is. is like the big one. The big porn one. Hours of that.

You're watching a Marvel porno? That's so disturbing. Harry Potter is just so sexualized. Like the whole thing is sexual. It's all kids, James. What do you mean? It's sexualized by who? Just, you know, it's sexualized.

I don't think so. I think you're a pedophile. No, watch it. Like, there's, watch the movie. It's sexualized. What do you mean? It just is. Well, every movie is sexualized.

They're kids and they want to, like, fuck. Like, that's sexualized. Okay. I'm trying to see how long I could run with this. Yeah, I've never seen. I've only seen the first two movies. Well, he like Hermione and Ron end up dated,

but there's like the sexual tension between them. And then Harry Cho Chang, like, there's always like a love plot to everything. But it's sexualized. Everything is sexualized to some extent. Yeah, that's interesting because if you're making a kid's book, you have to have some sort of love to relate to it. Dude.

Sorry, go on. Yes, you have to have some sort of level of like, intimate, like, they can't just be like, oh, there's a girl and I'm not attracted to her. So it's like, you have to have that. That's such a weird line, though, because you're like, when is it too far? I know.

When is it? I would feel so uncomfortable doing that. Yeah. That's so weird. Well, we gotta turn the kids on, but only a little. That's fucking good safe. But it's like, you have to do that to have like, because it's like, okay, there has to be some love interest in like every story.

Yeah. Besides Dora. Dora. Dora, that's where like, okay. Dora of the Explorer? Yes. She never falls in love with anyone? I don't think so. Diego, there's like.

That's like your cousin, isn't it? No, well, they're Spanish. I don't know if they're doing it over there, but yeah. Yeah, I don't know. There's the monkey. But like a lot of roast jokes. Or the backpack. Talk about Dora the Explorer.

Like, if you're a small Spanish girl, you get Dora the Explorer getting fucked jokes. Well, this is like after the fact, but I don't think there's any like sexual. Yeah, rose jokes aren't like, it's not like, creator of Dora's like, this will be sick for a roast joke way. We're going to make them up hurt. You never know, man. But it's like. But Dora is, like, created for kids who are like way before the age of, like, sexual. I would hope so.

Yeah, yeah. Like, Blue's Clues. No, because, like, you feel a sexual tension between Steve or Blue. But Blue had a girlfriend, Magenta was his girlfriend. And then Salt and Pepper had a Baby Peprica. I don't think that. Well, yeah, but that was like so abstract. Like, they're married in the way that, like, your parents are married.

It wasn't like they're, like, fucking, you know. They had a baby. Paprika was the baby. Who's Peper's? That's the Salm Pepper's baby. From what? From Blue's Clues. There was Salt and Pepper.

And the baby pepper. But no one knows where that kind of. comes from. Yeah, nobody's like the tension between them so strong. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But like with like between that. Dude, there's nothing less sexual than a married couple.

What do you like about Beauty and the Beast? I mean, the candle, just how horny he is for the teapot is. Although Beauty and the Beast is definitely sexual. Talk about disgust. Well, just about Gaston in general. It's so sexual. Yeah. Every Disney character is very sexual.

Scar from the Lion King. Jafar. Jafar. Jafar from Alun? He's like. Who's Jafar? I remember. From Aladdin?

Oh, wait, the boy? Jafar's like the main villain, Lillian. Oh, I forget. I saw a recent. I heard a comic grad a bit about how they want to fuck Ursula more than a little mermaid. There's a black comic like that rules. That's awesome.

Yeah, I respect that a lot. Too bad they can't swim to find her. We could take that out. No, you can't stop making these jokes to tell me to take them out your piece of shit. Imagine you get so much heat on this episode and the podcast blows up, but everyone hates it. Yeah. What else can we say? intentionally doing that, just going to, like, my local, like, college newspaper and be like, yeah, you should just release his podcast and say MSU student creates horribly offensive podcasts.

Just promote it that way. No, no, just pretend to be one of them being like, did you see this shit? Yeah, this guy's fucking crazy. Look at this clip. It's just me, blacks. It's one second. Wait, guys, on this topic, though, the kid that I babysit, she was reading this book recently. I, like, looked over her shoulder.

Do you know the book series that's, like, it has, like, a name of a teacher and then it has, like, an adjective? It's like Mrs. Jaffy is Daffy. You're like, Mrs. Bill is... No, okay. It's this book series. I'm actually straight. Yeah. Okay. It's this book series. Nice. And like every, like, every, like, book in the series has, like a different, a teacher with, like, a different, like, zany characteristic or whatever.

But the one she was reading, it's like, this teacher's crazy trait is that, like, she gets married to a student. And it literally is like, I know, dude. I'm not making shit up. And it literally is like, the whole book is about how this student. this boy has like a thing with like the teacher. You know what it is deceiving covers you don't judge a book by a cover

because they could be trying to make your kids gay. I'm just kidding. Dude, books are gay in general. Well yeah, of course. But it is. Yeah, of course. Everyone knows that. I don't read.

But that is interesting because it's like there is all that talk about them making all the books weird and stuff like that but it's also like you wouldn't know because like most parents like look at something and they're like, I don't know what the fuck this is like. Well, why is it like just now

we're finding out books from 20 years ago like all these characters are gay, like all of a sudden. Like Spongebob, that's gay, Dumbledore's gay. Yeah. Who says that? The author, J.K. Raleck said Dumbledore was gay. Yeah. Creator Spongeb said he was gay. She's like, but not changed.

Burt and Ernie were confirmed homos. Yeah, yeah. That's just weird. Street certified. Come slugged. They did sleep in the same bedroom. I used to have a bit about the Dumbledore thing because it's so funny that people being upset about that.

They're like, what happened to the pussy slang Dumbledore? We all knew in love. It's like, who's this guy? I don't even recognize it. I think Gaston. they came out as gay. No, he wanted to bang Bell.

No, someone... What did he find out the whole time he's mad because he wanted to bang the Beast? He's like, there's relationships in Abomination. No,

someone in Beauty and the Beast was, I think his assistant, guest son's assistant or something. Yeah, maybe, I don't know. Why do we need to, like, explicitly confirm it?

Like, everyone knows they're a little bit gay. Like, everyone knows... Yeah, yeah. Everyone knows Scar is like a little bit gay. Like, why can't we just leave it up? I was a little bit gay. Are you serious?

Scar from the Lion King? I like he's hot. What is your baby? opinion. I've always wanted to this. Women with gay dudes. Yeah. What is your attraction level to them? They can be sexy. I think they can. I think it's a matter of degree of their femininity. Because like lesbians, there's totally

dudes that are like that lesbian's hot. Yeah. But women, I feel like they're less attracted. Well, it's less because it's like I know he would never fuck me, so I'm not even going to think that. But it's not like, if he changed his mind, it was like, I want to fuck a woman. Would you fuck a gay dude? I want to try once? It depends. Like, maybe not one that's wearing like a crop top. Give me that pussy.

Definitely. That is what a gay guy would say. But there's definitely... I totally am. I totally like this. I'm totally into this. Slaves. That's so funny.

That pussy slave. Well, that was like... Did you see Bohemian Rhapsody? Yeah, yeah. That was like Freddie Mercury. He had a girlfriend. And then at some point she's just like... But metrosexual, like, flamboyant guys are.

Well, he's actually gay. Freddie Mercury. Yeah. I think he's by, though. No, he said that. Then his girlfriend's like, no, you're gay. We can't be together because you're gay Yeah

He's like no I'm by And then he got AIDS He died of AIDS Yeah That's the gayest way to do It is it is But I also wonder like Because there's like

That rock star gay Is a totally different thing What's rock star gay? Like Oh Freddie Moe Just being like Oh yeah I'm gonna eat you pussy

And then I can do it A little pants in the corner Yeah yeah He's like I'm gonna wear my little feather ear And tickle it on your clip You're like that And you're like this is I think you would

He made that all up. I don't think he ever said that. I bet you that's exactly what he did. Clit tickler. Yeah, yeah. That was his name. David, the clitickler, Bowie, it was his name. But I think there's like, yeah, but then, because I think most straight guys would

fuck a lesbian that's like, I want to fuck a dude once. Yeah. Even like a really bitch lesbian? No, no. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. So if there's gold star gays, that the same for lesbians, there's gold star lesbians. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Real. Do they call him that? I think so. Yeah. Yeah.

Platinum gay is when you haven't even You had a C-section, right? Yeah, so from the listeners don't know, gold star gay means you never fucked a woman. The platinum gays, you never even touched a vagina because you came out of the belly. Wow, I'm platinum gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I came out of my mom's asshole. Yeah, I'm like, no, not the pussy. They just come out of her ass. Man, yeah, C-section's not going to work. We don't take the baby out of your ass. We had a kid in high school was bad, platinum gay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't know. We just made fun of them. Remember it was okay to make fun of people for being gay in high school? No, so when I was in high school... I mean, you grew up in Florida. Yeah, but it was one of those things were like, there was a gay guy, I think, but before he came out, people picked on him because they were like, what's up with this guy

being all gay and shit. And then he came out and people were like, oh, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, of course he's gay. But it totally changed it when you're like, there's something about, like, I mean, I think we threw water balloons out him one time when he was straight. Or when we thought he was stray and we're like, yeah, because this guy's being annoying. And then if you got his game, we're like, we're so sorry we threw the water glitz at you. Without you were an annoying straight guy. It just like, it explains it. Like,

you just needs something to explain it. Yeah, yeah, because in your head, you're like, oh, okay, yeah, because it's, I'll say the same thing with standards. It's like, dude, a straight guy that posed shirtless pictures, I'm annoyed by it. But then the gay guy does, I'm like, happy hunting, brother. Get after it. Like, it totally changes it. I don't know what's like it's a way. Yeah, yeah, you're like, keep commenting sleigh. Yeah. But you know what is, it's probably a competition thing? Because it's probably like, as a guy, as a guy, as a guy, I think you look great. I'm like, what are you trying to like get all the pussy in here, your douchebag.

But he's gay, you're like, hey, have fun. He's not like fighting with the same. But in high school, my brother told he was a defense mechanism. He's like, dude, a guy with a shirt off, you got to call him a douchebag. I'm like, of course. So it's created this culture where it's like now that's my only defense against somebody who's better shape than me. I'm like, oh, you fucking tool.

Or he just call him gay. Yeah, yeah, he must be gay. Well, gay guys are very fit. Yeah, most of them are. Yeah. There are like some fat gay guys, but not a lot. There are some. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a category in itself. But it's weird. It's not the same. Do you think, like, gay people don't consider them as much part of the community? No, I think they do. Yeah, yeah. They're called bears. They're called bears.

Yeah, they have bears. They're called hairy and big. Yeah. I see a lot of bears having a tough time, though, because you got to be so active as a gay guy. There's always that bear that you've seen. He's clearly been at bottomless brunch all day. He's been, like, doing a little daytime clubbing. He's like, just, like, sweating in, like, a mesh shirt.

And he's just like, this is so much. You mean, you got to be. active as a gay guy because of like all their activities. Yeah. It's required. All they're gay activities. You got to be gay all day. You hop up.

You got to sing on the subway. Okay. You got to work your shift at Starbucks for five hours. Yeah. Then you hit bottomless brush. You got to like dance in like a parade or something. Yeah, you got to dance in a parade. I mean, shopping.

And just gay sex in general. It's so much more. Degraph dancing for a couple hours a day. Shopping, you got to be on your feet the whole time. Yeah. You know. Snap your fingers. That takes part of it.

They guys are like so funny though Yeah. Oh they're hilarious. They're like the funniest people in the world. Yeah. And I think it's because like I thought that it's like they're sort of in touch with the side of themselves that like Oh Wait maybe I'm gay. Yeah. We've all thought it. Yeah, you're funny enough to be gay. That's what I meant. Yeah. Someone told me I should be. Keeps me over slightly. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Someone told me I should be by. They said you should just be by. It sounds like something. He's what to fuck you sense. I think so who is gay and they're like, just be bye. Just be bye. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People always think I'm gay too. Really? I wonder why. It can't be that shirt. I'm not a gay shirt. Okay. What were you saying? Yeah, you were saying, you're in the middle of something about gay dudes.

Oh, yeah. Them being funny. About them being, like, in touch with the side of themselves that I think most men are like afraid to explore. For sure. That being like a feminine side kind of, which is also like, like we were talking about earlier, it's like a spectrum, but it's like to a certain degree. honest,

straight guy, that can be very attractive because it's like, oh, he's like, he's like in touch with a deeper side of himself, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and that's the thing also, like, I think a lot of comics are, like, not funny because they're too worried about, like, being mastered.

Dude, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the funniest are, like, flamboyant, I think, yeah, yeah. Yeah, or just like, like, Alan, whereas he just doesn't give a fuck about your appearance. Yeah, yeah, no part of Allen is like, let me go up there and look like a fucking stud denies. Yeah, totally.

I don't know if he's ever looked like a stud, but, you know what you see? That'd be so funny. You see like two years ago Alan with like abs and shit? He's just got like a wizard beard but it's like twirled. Like it comes down on like little beads and stuff like that. Yeah. Dude, shout out Alan Fitzgerald.

New special. Shout out. Yeah, it was hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. He's so funny. Well, that's worse. Somebody told him like, one comic told him not to wear shorts.

I'm like, told him he tells you not to wear shorts. Oh, dude. Yeah, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Yeah. Yeah, who was that fucking faggot.

Some people say that. Some people, oh, you can't wear shorts. Real quick, James, I love you saying cut out me saying faggot. And he says it eight more times. 40 times. Yeah. I understood you would cut out all the time. No, then I'm like, so someone's watching.

Like, why isn't he speaking? Why is everything blurted out? I will say this. I looked through an old text message from one of my dead friends in the last... Wait, he was... Like, he texted while he was dead. No, no, no, no. He was looking back.

And there was something that really warmed to my heart about him saying, howdy faggot. or something like like there's, once they die. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like,

this was a real, he would kiss everybody on the cheek and call him a fag. And I'm like, did he die of AIDS? No, no, no.

But I'm like, nobody can understand the love of two straight guys calling each other at that. Like there's something like really it's like, because what you're saying is you're saying like, this text could get me in a lot of trouble or this thing.

But like I love you so much that I want to express this feeling. Well, yeah, that's like what Mark Norman says. Like it means you trust someone if you're like racist around them. Like it's a compliment. Well, playfully.

But, like, I think that there's genuinely, like somebody, because I bet people I met one second, and the next thing, you know, they're like, you know, who's really controlling things. And I'm like, I hate it. It's never good. No one who says that. It's never a good thing when someone opens with that. Yeah, no, you really controlled things, the Jews. And they're doing a phenomenal job.

Or the gay teachers. Yeah. You can feel someone's intent, usually, I think. Oh, for sure. Yeah. It's hilarious to kiss somebody on the cheek, call him a fag. I remember when I was, like, it's hilarious. I was in Tennessee once.

And I went, there's like the gym there has, like, like the steam room and like some guy was in there and we were just talking just like a nice guy he's a regular southern guy and he's like where are you from I know I said New York and he's like oh I love New York I went there last year oh nice vacation he's like no me and a couple

friends went out we were protesting that fag parade okay oh shit no segue just like right into it I thought this was going to go in a different direction honestly he's going to blow me you met him in the steam room yeah that's so great that's so great maybe he loves steam room so much that he's very

mad about the gay community. He's like, I used to be able to go there with my dick out and have a good time. Now I've got to worry about all these. Yeah, that is, uh, protesting that fact Brady said. I call it the fucking and suck and parade. And I don't think that's negative because I support the fucking and suck and I would like a pride t-shirt that says, I support the fucking and suck it. I think it's, it's, I, I do support it.

Yeah. I think the comedy shop makes those shirts. Yeah. But fucking and sucking is like not explicitly gay. That's like, no. No. Straight people can fuck and suck. That's true.

That's true. Fuck and suck. We do. at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lesbians can't really suck. I mean, I guess you could suck a clip. Yeah, but come on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd look weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't support that. Yeah, that's where I draw the line. Lesbians tongue in pussy, not sucking clips. A very good thing. I wish when politicians debated, like, these issues, they would get as explicit as

the comics, too. Look, I'm okay with a couple dudes fucking each other's ass cheeks, but just don't go in the hole. The hole is what's gross. That's the moderate position. You know people, like, lesbians actually Cissor? That's like a real thing.

I know. Really? Yeah. I've seen the video where they do the slap in the vagina. Like, it's a bit... Slap. Is that part of the scissoring? Is that part of it?

Yeah, I think it's maybe just so you can see both women in the camera. But like, one one's the other one's laugh. They're like, oh. Do they sound like they're in Lord of the Rings when they do it? Yeah, yeah. But it is weird because you can't... I don't know. Is that, is that your impression of a lesbian?

Yeah. Oh my God. I hate the morning good pocket. No, I'm just kidding. I was nine when I met my first lesbian. Like when I met, it was such a crazy thing for me. Because she was very, it was my cousin's friend. And he, like, had to warn me.

He's like, all right, she's like, really lesbian. She's very lesbian. Like, you're going to be a little. Don't bring a broken car to the house. It's going to leave fixed. He's like, just don't be startled. And I was startled. I'm like, wow.

Yeah. That's how they were back then, though. Like our parents' generation of lesbians. Oh, yeah. And I also, I do think there's a giant misconception, especially by dudes like me, where we, We do, like, I don't think dudes like me, like just traditional straight guy. I guess I'm not that traditional.

But you know what I'm saying? A traditional straight guy. A traditional man. No, no, but like, I'm broish to an extent. I think guys like us have like a certain degree where we're like scared of lesbians because we think that lesbians hate guys. I used to get on stage and like it was wrong, but I'd be like, oh, the audience is a lot of lesbians. I don't know if they're going to like this stuff. Yeah.

But it's really a wrong. Like I've met so many. Like when I got cornrows, there's this weird assumption that like all lesbians are super politically correct. this lesbian camera, she's like, sick fucking rose. And I was like, I got that shit too. Oh, yeah. So it's funny. So when I, when I,

lesbians and bros are actually like pretty close together. Yeah, they're trying to get pussy. Yeah. It's like, it's so annoying that there's this weird bridge where people think that they're like. Yeah. So my flight, this is, this is going to sound unrelated, but it's related. So my flight got delayed back from Austin. Okay.

They just canceled the spirit. We're trying to know why it took. Dude, I had the same. I had the same. They just canceled. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, well, you could leave Thursday.

Yeah. So it was me. Before you explain. I had the same thing happen. I had a connecting flight from Nashville to Orlando to New York. And they go, it's fine. We put you on a 9 a.m. flight tomorrow. Yeah, no, they said Thursday.

Yeah, no, but they just adjust. They tried to play you. They're like, we already got to another flight tomorrow. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. It's not fine. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, it's me and this lesbian military woman are together.

Could you say a woman are in the military, but, okay. I just can't. I can't bring myself to put those words together. So we're, like, trying to figure out a flight. And then I, we end up going to sell. And we have two flights, but they're like $600 each. So she's like, oh, I don't have the money. So I, like, spotted her to get her a ticket.

She's a lesbian, though. And she's like, thanks so much, I'll pay you back. It's been five days. And she hasn't. And I'm afraid to ask her. Oh, ask her, dude. No. Just because she's a lesbian, you're scared to ask.

A lesbian, yeah. What am I going to say, hey, give me my money? Yeah. I know somebody else of this who got robbed by a gay guy. And they were like, I don't know how to. I'm like, just don't call them a slur. Yeah. Yeah.

You just said, I was like, give me your money, fucking fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, as long as you're just like, hey, you, it's like, Patty Rob him. That's a crazy adjustment. The more humanitarian way to treat them is. For sure. Like, other people would be like, oh, no, I guess they could walk all over me because

they're in a group. It's like, no, it's like that person stole from you. It's like, how did they steal from him? The person got their clothes stolen from a gay guy. So it was like, they got a gay guy have to do with a straight guy clothes. It was a woman's clothes. A woman who got her clothes stolen from a gay guy. Oh.

Because it's funny to think of him just wearing like, like, like, Daisy, I wanted that crop top. And a bikini. And he's like, he's like, this was mine. I've worn this the whole time. Or just like I, oh, I think they were both like a gay guy and a straight guy. Just like a gay guy wearing like a, it's beer o'clock shirt. Just a Tony Soprano T-shirt.

We're like, we know that's not yours. Or like God's guns pussy. Yeah. Dude, there was a guy wearing a shirt in Austin and said God's gun, God guns, Bitcoin. I'm like, that's so awesome. That doesn't even go, like, there's two Gs and then a B. He didn't care. He just...

We mean, my girlfriend were checking out our apartment. There was a gay couple like that. It was funny. The guy had guns on his shirt and we had no idea

like, oh, these two guys. And then we see them like, like, like, oh, I guess they're gay. But it's funny you don't see a lot of gay guys with guns on the shirt.

Yeah, that is interesting. But then it was so funny because the dude was like, they were testing out the beds. Like the dude was like a military guy so he was like laying in a bed like this. He's just laying on the floor like this. He's like, yeah,

there's a decent amount of. He has one of those hats that's like, masculine. Wow, he was really, he looked like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, good for him. Yeah, yeah. So how much money did she owe you? 600 bucks. What? What? Well, she said, she spotted somebody 600 bucks? She had no way to get home. Dude, you have to get that money. That's a great thing to do. Yeah. I really respect. What's the worst? I don't get it back. Like, she's in the military and she's a lesbian.

It could definitely help my career. But, okay, I don't think she can help your career. Second off, the fact of her being the military, I feel like she should have money if you're in the military. He was just a scam. She stole in Baller. Maybe she's claiming to be a troop, but she's not. No, because she said it before anything came up with, like, the flight. She's in the military. Oh, dude, someone spotted me. Wait, how did

she not have it at the time? I don't know. So, oh, that means yeah, she probably doesn't have it now, I guess. She didn't know. Well, I've heard there's things like when you see like a lot of maybe I felt so good to help. She would have been stranded there. She would have been stranded there. If you see a veteran who's like, maybe this person is just super

conservative in their totally wrong, but one person told me if you see a veteran saying they don't have money. They're like, it's likely not correct because like the GI Bill. But this might be, I could be so honest. You just walk by a homeless vet. You're like, I know what you're up to.

With no legs. Kick his fucking coin container. But I don't know, because I've heard that's, there's a lot of homeless. But also, this may have also been a rich person saying like, oh, I'm loaded.

They're like, they have enough money with the GI Bill. Maybe they don't. I don't know. But it's also, it's weird that they're currently in the military. And like, it seems like something

that would maybe get comped. Maybe. Maybe you'd have that. Yeah. Yeah. How could she not have a fort of flight in the military? She's like, she's like flying to Iraq or something like that. She's like, can you cover my floor?

It's like, why would, why? It'll make you show up on like spirit. She just balls out at the like Versace and the airport after. It wasn't a military flight that she was taking. That would be funny if she's flying like, we're like, we're going to go over Iraq and she just jumps out with a parachute like on a commercial flight. Yeah. Well, I don't think the military, I think they fly normal flights to go to. Of course.

Yeah. Well, they go other places, obviously. I've seen a military person on a plane. Yeah, I saw one on my plane. They board first. Yeah, yeah. But it's funny to board first, but then you can't. You get to board first, but your flight caught.

I don't know. It's like, I don't think you should get endless flights. Was she currently in service? No, she wasn't in uniform. Oh, how do you know them? Because it just came up in conversation. I think you just got robbed by a lesbian. But it's the right thing to do.

To get robbed by a lesbian? No, like, she needed help me. Maybe she didn't, but why would she say? $600 is a fuck ton of money. No, no, no. I think, I think I'm all about doing good deeds for other people. But you have to also realize that some people might fuck you over. Yeah.

Like I had to take that. You have to take it as it comes. For sure. One time I freaked out. I was like, I had this office job and I fucking hated it. I think I was on a bunch of Adderall that day. By the way, I was just answering phones. There's no reason for me to be on Adderall.

But I was like, hello? Thank you for calling this building. But I was on my lunch break. I'm like sweating. I got like, it's like the middle of summer. I got like a button down. Adderall. Because I always try not to get fired, so I take a bunch of drugs.

I haven't done it in a very long time. Like, I think last time I went to get Adderall. I took it once, like, three months ago. You passed your drug test. I'm like, you're out of here. But it's like one of those things where I was like, it's so hard for me to sit in an office and like actually do any work if I'm not pumped full of Adderall. And it's like, pumped full of Adderall. And it's like one of those things where it's like, I like, it's so funny.

It's the most basic stuff. They're like, can you fill out this like Excel spreadsheet with like 10 things? And I'm like, I have to be on a lot. You study the whole history of Excel spreadsheet. Rupert X-L. Mr. Sheets. That's his last name. It's that little spreadsheet.

But what fucking happened was, I'm like just on Adderall. And I'm like sweating in like a button down with a tie that's like too tight. It's the summertime. This guy goes, hey man, dude, I can't. I'm literally stranded here. He's like, I left my phone in my fucking car that got towed. Yeah. And he's like, please give me $20.

I need to get back. And I was like, you know what? Here, I was like, but I was such a fucking piece of shit. I was like, if you're fucking lying about this, just know you're a giant piece of shit. Like I said that to him. And then I walked around the corner and I saw him, hey, do you have $20? And he saw him. And I was just like, yeah.

And I like try to follow him to like. He never got it back. No. Now, what was I going to like fight a man on my lunch break? It was my lunch break too. You saw him asking someone else for $20. Yeah, yeah. And it was on my lunch break too.

So it was so funny. Like I get a full fist fight. I come back with blood on me. I'm like, well, there's like one homeless guy my neighbor who's always asking for money

for a train ticket to long island. Yeah, they do that. Yeah. Is I need a train ticket? Why? They just lie. Yeah, yeah,

it's fine, but I'll watch you get on the train. I'd be like, good luck getting back. Like, idiot. They use their family, like their family allowed to

but I don't want to go see my kids. Like, can you give me? They do that. Your kids don't want to see you, you homeless piece of shit. Homeless people in Italy, they like fake deformities. Really?

I think they are. There's a homeless guy Italian accident homeless guys, the funniest guy. Like, I have no money. Can somebody give me a court or a penny? I'm like, it's too funny. I think they just are. I don't think they have a deformity.

I think they just are Italian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but they like, there's a million of them, like, riding around with, like, no arm or, like, half the leg off. They, like, hide it under their third thing or something. They deserve it. I don't know.

Someone told me they'd do that. I don't know if that's true. I've never seen it. I'm sorry, I picture one on a vest, but with no arm. Just like, I don't know why it's so. But it's just like so dangerous, but he's like, or like a fiat with no arms. Yeah. He's driving with his mouth.

I don't know how they would fake it actually now that I think about it. Yeah, I don't know. There's something, it's just disability. It's just so funny. And I know it's like, there's nothing. Dude, it's hilarious. It's the same thing why it's funny. I was talking to somebody said it's like, when you're a baby and you see somebody fall, you still laugh.

Yeah. And a part of it's maybe you understand pain, but there's something funny about somebody like suffering horrendously. And it's like, you can't, I'm not saying I want them to suffer more. make me laugh, but if they're already suffering, I'm going to laugh. It's not just suffering, though. It's like, there's something about it. Like, if you're going to really analyze it, like, because I don't think it's like, if you actually think about

their pain and suffering, that's sad. Right. There was something just funny. My junior year of high school, who only had on her left hand three fingers, and I literally didn't know until, like, the end of the year. She'd always hide it. She gave you a hand job. She feels horrible. Wait a minute. This feels awful. Why is there a gap?

Why can I feel the breeze right now? But, no, she'd always put in her pocket or she'd hide it under her shirt. I imagine hiding your three finger hand for your entire life? I guess so. And then finally someone's like said of the way, yeah, she only has three fingers.

Yeah. No. They're like, yeah, no. It's not nearly enough fingers. That's not. It's funny. If you want to get me a hand job, that's four finger minimum. I know somebody who like lost a finger and they were really

nervous about it because like guys are going to be unattracted me and stuff. And their dad was like, I am the biggest pig on the planet. and the last thing I care about is a woman's fingers. He's like, I'm the most objectifying woman guy. Had she lose her finger? I think it was like a climb, like climbing a fence and it got stuck on the thing.

Well, you deserve it. But that's one of those things where it's like, it's like, I all think guys care about it. Would you guys care about that? I would die. If a girl didn't have a finger. Not at all. One, that's it.

That's the limit. You wouldn't think it was like a little weird. That'd be fine. If she was missing four fingers, I wouldn't care. Wow. Really? Why are you lying on the podcast? I don't care.

It really doesn't bother. Four finger, you wouldn't care. No. What, like, what thing would you care? Would you care about an arm? Like, what would you? No, I really think, like, I think the only hard part would be like, um. Logistical stuff.

Like, logistical stuff. I'm never like, I'm, I'm not into nugget porn. Like, I'm not into amputees. You mean nub porn? Whatever you want to call it. Nugget porn. They're like chicken nuggets. I just figured chicken nuggets fucking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're on a happy meal. Getting fucked by a happy meal. Put some ketchup on my bitch. Woo! But, uh, it's like if, like, the only part they would say, suck was just like doing things. We were like, oh, okay, it's going to suck because I love climbing stairs.

Yeah, she doesn't get to do that. I love climbing stairs. Or like I live on a fifth floor walk-up so to have to throw a rope down and pull her up like a piano. Well, the arm would not be. Who loves climbing stairs? Nobody, but like, you know, you get what I'm saying. Yeah. It's like dancing would be kind hard. Yeah. Oh yeah, but how often do you? Shake, you couldn't shake. I danced a lot. You couldn't shake hands.

You couldn't shake. Have you brought her to your family? I never shake my girlfriend's hands. I've never like, let me shake her but if you brought her to a family function, she wouldn't be able to. Yeah, but that just makes the people, that doesn't bother me. Yeah. Also, the reason I think disability is funny is like, if I had a disability, I think I would like think it was funny. Yeah. And there are people with it that like think it's funny. And they have a cool, like you know Tina Fremel? Is she a comic? Yeah. She's going cerebral palsy. She's super funny. She has so funny about it. Like she has so much cerebral palsy. All right. She has a lot of it. Yeah.

There's not like a spectrum of it. You just know there is. Oh, there is? There's like this. Oh, there is. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but she's a really good comic. And she calls people out about, like, being all insensitive about it. Yeah, yeah. It's so cool.

It's like... Aaron Bacil is the same way. Yeah. He's one of this kill Tony a bunch. I met him in Orlando and he's hilarious. Yeah, and they don't give a fuck. No, no, no. But also, I don't know because I'm only seeing the comic ones.

But it is hard because I see the stuff and I'm like, okay, to be fair, it is very funny as somebody who doesn't have this to be like, why does everybody get so offended about it? But it's like, that's not necessarily what I'm saying. What I'm saying is it's really impressive the people that are not offended by it that have it. And it is like also you're going like that seems like a good way to live.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that seems like they're happier being that way. Right, exactly. So like obviously I'm like they're like, oh, you think it's better and I should do this. I'm like I'm not telling you how to live your life, but that just looks like a more pleasurable life. Yeah, definitely.

What? Do you have cerebral palsy? No, to like have a good sense of humor about whatever. Yeah, yeah. Because we all have like afflictions. Yeah, I have ADHD. Yeah, like we all. I'm just kidding.

I do have cerebral. I do have it, but yeah, yeah, it's not bad. So we all have, like, shit that's a little bit fucked up about us. It's like, you know, you got to, like, you got to accept it. James is a pedophile. He's getting horny. Yeah, James is a pedophile. I couldn't really defend my sexualized arguments.

I get what you're saying. I really wanted someone to jump in and be like, yeah, no, it is. But you kind of just said that, huh? Yeah. This guy's watching fucking Bob the builder. He's like, why do they got to make him so hot? Oh man, no, I don't know. But it is, I think it's also a thing too where like you know how much like,

it's like when you're at a funeral and something's funny or because you're not supposed to laugh at it. It's like you know what you see like a disabled person, you're like doing something funny. Like to back it up Terry guy where the fireworks are going off and like he like, you know what you're like, you know what? You know what's disabled guy lights fireworks and his chair gets stuck and they're like back. Put it in reverse Terry, back it up and the fireworks just going off in front of him because you can't move back. Yeah. I remember one time, like, my dad's friend was like, I don't know, we got to talking about his parents. He's like, yeah, like, my dad died when I was a kid.

He got hit by a train. And I, like, couldn't stop myself from laughing. That's so funny. Got hit by a train. But part of it's so funny because you're going, how much of that suck? Yeah. That's what makes it funny because you know, you're like, oh, that sucks so hard. Your dad was a retard.

You got hit by a train. It's also just, like, absurd to hear something that morbid, like, suddenly. Trains could only go on track. So just stay off the track. because then you won't get hit. That's it. That's the only way could hit by it.

It's not like a car I get a little bit more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that is a great point. He's in one spot. Well, it's also like, I know somebody that got, we had a swim coach and he was climbing on trains.

And then he like, his arm got caught in like the thing and got fucked up, which was actually, I don't know if it was an advantage of swimming, but his hand was like this. It was kind of like a nice little like, it was like a web.

Yeah. Was he in the new Jurassic world? Probably could finger bang like nobody. Yeah. She comes right away. No, dude, wrong direction. It's funny to think of him finger girl like this. Like he's doing like a stroke.

Yeah, she's just like, flip it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, flip it around. But, yeah, but that's from climbing on trains. Like, trains don't come out of nowhere. There's a giant warning. Don't climb on a train. Why would you climb on a train? But there's always also, I think, too, like,

I get cars being stuck on trains. Because I've heard that's the thing where, like, that's understandable. Yeah, because sometimes you're driving, and then there's a traffic jam. get stuck in the thing and you're like fuck and then you're kind of a debate where you're like do I have enough time to gun it or I can't go backwards I can't go forwards and I think that's how most of it happened one time I was fucking on mushrooms um and I was like at this concert and I just was

like really overwhelmed and I was like I need to leave um and I was like running away from the venue like I just started running like you know when you're on mushrooms and you're like I'm just going to run right now um but I was kind of like not really aware of my surroundings and things. It was weird. I don't usually feel this like fucked up on mushrooms. Yeah. And then I like, I'm just like running down the street and then I just look to my left and there's like a train right that like it's stopped but it's like I'm like on the train tracks. Oh, that's not good. Yeah. And I was like, that's how it happens doing drugs. Yeah. Yeah. But it's usually. Yeah. Because like I just wasn't aware of like where I was at all. Yeah. You also

joke about suicide a lot. So we would for sure think they could. Every single person would think. I killed myself. She finally did it. Yeah. What if nobody's actually killed himself? It's all just been a giant accident. Yeah, right? They hung himself by accident.

Whoops. So much sadder to somehow get it. Swing up there. I was trying to jack off. Oh, wow. That's a classic. Yeah, classic. Classic.

Autorotic expiation. It was a classic scenario. That was that movie. Ever see Final Destination? Yeah, yeah. Dude, that movie was so dumb. Yeah, yeah. They would just die.

What was the end of the... Okay. So everyone's see like, oh, I started when it was on FX, so I just like tune in for like an hour. It's so bad. But what was like the, what was causing it? Was they, there was just the grim reaper. It's just like, I want these kids dead. Okay.

Then they survive. Some of them, they die again. Oh, okay. But they get flesh. But it's like, is there a clear part where like, you see the grim reaper talking about it? Or is it just like, that always annoys me a horror movie where you don't get to find out where the evil's coming. Like they're like, oh, this is a ghost. You're like, it's a ghost.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Was it like, you know. Yeah. There has to be some sort of like... Maybe there is. I didn't see the most recent final destination. Yeah, that would be cool if they revealed it. They're like, actually the person in the first movie, their mom betrayed it.

Like, you know, you find stories like that. A witch or gypsy. The Joker was really cool for that reason. I liked that movie a lot. Yeah, I love the Joker. Yeah. I only watched it one time because it's so disturbing. I was like, I mean, he sympathized with him a lot.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, definitely. His mom's a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah. The cunt. You know. She's got issues. That's why he killed her.

And he killed her, right? No, he did kill his mom, did he? I thought he tried to, with a pillow. What did he think about? Oh, I think he did kill his mom, maybe. I forget. I barely heard of the movie. 100% did.

The second one's coming out, it was he with Lady Gaga. Is she the Joker? Yeah, yeah. No, no, she's like Harley Quinn. Oh, cool. If she's the Joker, that'd be weird. Yeah.

Lady Gaga's cool. They should do Dylan Mulvaney as the Joker. I love, I'm always, they're making the next one a musical. I love them just going off the rails because that's the most Joker shit. They're making it a musical? Yeah. What?

They should make a claymation one where Dillamolvaney's divorce. Just like the most off the rails thing, but it's directed by Michael Bay. They should have Ben Margeras. Dude, that would be fucking sick. Or like Ray Romano. Just like Ray Romano? Everything sucks. You guys are all.

Oh, everything's annoying. Dude, the scene from the Joker where he kills the dude and the midget and they're in the same room together. That's hilarious. People died laughing. It's so funny. I've never been in a theater with more people laughing. For everybody who hasn't seen it, like the Joker kills somebody and then the Midget thinks he's going to.

trying to get out of there and there's a lock on the door that you can't reach because it's like one of those chain locks. It's so funny. But that's another thing where like you're empathetic you're like this is so funny because how much this sucks. You're like I know how much this would be shitty to just be like at someone's mercy. Yeah exactly. Yeah. You're like that God that's not me. Just be at a psycho's mercy. Which is actually more empathetic. Actually I don't know because maybe psychos think the same way they're like that's hilarious to suffer. No, I think it's different. I think that's like sadistic like I don't think you're like taking maybe it's like a tiny twins of that. I heard Dahmerd like pranks though. I read his Wikipedia page.

They coined the term in high school, pulling Adommer. I'm like, that's hilarious. Be like, classic domer. Yeah, right. No, but it was like some prank he would do. I don't know. It was probably something horrendous, but. Yeah.

Where he'd murder you? Yeah, yeah. Classic pulling you. We do got to wrap up right now. Oh, we're having such a good time. I know. You speak for yourself. What do you guys want to promote?

Instagram. I'm Malia Simon on Instagram. Okay. I'm a comic. James is a comic. Oh, he's starting the same way. He's like, yeah, you're happy to be here. Yeah.

At Humiliated Pod. Is it weird to promote your pod on someone else's pod? No, that's the whole point of doing somebody else's pot. As soon as you asked us, we both got so insecure. We're both just like, I don't know, stop. You go on Joe Rogan, you're like, I don't want to, I like, who's comparing my podcast to show record, but you're like, I don't want to promote my stuff on it. Dude, it's literally the same this podcast as the Joe.

Yeah, there's no difference. Say your shit, dude. Yeah, that's it. At Humiliated Pod, check it out on Spotify and what else? What are the other streaming ones? iTunes. Just listen. Maybe we can make some money off of it.

Maybe we make some money. And that's it. Just listen to the pod. Listen to this pod. Instagram, if you guys want to say that. Instagram is, at Pontello sauce. It's my new Instagram.

And mine's Michael Good Comedy, if you don't follow me. And this podcast, one is Morning Good on Instagram. Yeah. Thank you.