Morning Good - Unstoppable Chaos - Episode 161

Episode Date: March 19, 2023

Johnny Salami and Jake Timothy join the show for today's episode. They talk about cold call sales, doing stand-up in drag, and being way too high to drive.Thanks Johnny for coming on the show for the first time and to Jake for joining us again. Find more from Johnny at his links below and check out previous episodes of the show for more laughs from Jake Timothy.Johnny is on Instagram @johnny_salami33, so make sure to follow him as well as @thejohnnysalamipodcast.  Jake is on Instagram as well @jake_timothy.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Here with Jake Timothy. Hey. And Johnny Salami. Hello. And, yeah, I was saying it's weird with conspiracy theories where you don't have, like, nobody has done COVID was started by aliens.

Like nobody has... Yeah, but they have though, you know? It's like how... Can you hold the mic closer? Sure. Like every... There's like so many religions, like big religions that people follow.

But if you really get down to like what individual people believe, they all have their own crazy beliefs, you know? So you think there are people that do think COVID was started by aliens, but it's not... Yeah. They just made up their own conspiracies and like no one followed them. Oh, so you're not hearing about it. Like it has to be believable enough for it to catch on. for it to uh yeah you guys real quick i hate a fuck all right sweet

dude i should i should just fucking urinate on jake yeah you're very close fucking punch your camera dude after setting up for a fucking hour real quick can you make sure that you're all covered in piss right yeah let's clip that dude yeah dude i thought about i kind of want to do a clip of just completely everything's wildly out of context

but like nothing not even offensive but you're like he's having sex with his uncle and then it's just like Franklin the Frog. You know, something like just ridiculous like that. I guess he's a turtle, but...

That'd be cool to have an intro that's just like an overlap of like farts, like Latin. Just like Enya. Just like playing over and over again. Wait, what's Enya? Enya is like fucking...

You know Enya. No. Enya music. If you heard an Enia song, you would know... Is it a genre? It's like the Lion King. Like...

It's the lady, an Irish lady who all her songs are like she sings... She's really good singer but she like holds notes really long and stuff. Yeah. Oh, okay. I've never impressed by singing.

I know it's like an impressive thing, but every time I see somebody singing, I think I've heard enough good singers that I've never been like floored by singing. Really? Like every time, like, my mom loves the voice. She'll watch it. Oh, my God, they're so talented and their stories are phenomenal. And I'll watch it. And it never grabs me.

I watched all these singing videos on YouTube with my friend who's a good singer. And she was explaining to me why it's impressive. That sounds like the worst thing to sit through that. I would hate for somebody to be like, you know, look. how sick singing is. We're going to watch hours of it. They'd be like, yeah, that's really cool. I don't think you understand why it's cool. Let me explain each of all. Because she was pulling up videos

of like black ladies singing in church. And I was like, this is the thing I like. Yeah. I am impressed by this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, the American Idol back in the day, dude, that was the stuff to watch, man, like Carrie Underwood and stuff. See, it's still, it never, it never

got me, I don't know. Really? You ever like watching, like, bad American Idol? Yeah, that's fine. I like that a lot. Those are good. Yeah. And then you see... I like watching bad everything. Oh, yeah.

It's great. Yeah. The worst is I went to go see cocaine bear and it was like not... It was like sometimes things can be too self-aware where they're like, we're gonna have like a, you know, it's like kind of joking in a way that I was like, I kind of wish they really attempted to make like a serious. It's more, you know what I mean? Like I think my ideal might. Like Shark Nato is like boring to me. Yes.

But if they called it like Schindler's list too. Yeah. And then it was Shark Nato. Happened to be shark nat. I'd be like, oh, this is great. Yeah. like I have a friend that me and him just shit on

you know those friends you just go and he's great to go see movies with and we got high and went to go see Megan it ended up being awesome and we made only one joke in the movie but it's like I would love to go with him and see like the whale or something that like you're not supposed to find funny

but you do you know what I mean shit like that yeah I think it was a movie back in the day it was called like the tire and it was just a rubber it was like a rubber yeah it's like a fucking tire love that dude the whole movie was just like fucking brutal dude I saw It was like a Stephen King one, right?

Yeah, I think people left the theaters after 10 minutes, dude. I think the only leaving of movie, the only walkout I've had was we were seeing the James Bond movie, and when he was getting hit in the balls, my dad just took us out of the movie theater for a little bit. He's like, I don't know what's going to happen next to the movie. I don't think it gets worse than him getting hit the balls, but I remember just seeing him getting hit the balls.

My dad's like, we're going to go, let's go, you know. Yeah, that was a pretty intense scene. Yeah, it's terrifying. Yeah, yeah. And also, like, you don't know the after. I mean, he doesn't have a kid, does he? I never read the books. I don't know why that's so funny.

He'd be like, what are you reading? I'm reading James Bond. Just to make sure he can have children. Yeah. Like, nothing sounds less intelligent than saying I'm reading the James. I know they're like seriously, like, apparently like well-written spy novels. But, like, I had a friend who was reading Jurassic Park, the book. And I'm like, come on, dude.

Like, I would like that book. I mean, I read fucking comic books. But I'm like, it's funny to be like, no, the movie didn't get it right with James Bond. Actually, he shoots two guns at the same time. I listened to an interview that Brendan Fraser did about the whale. It's like, they're all, everyone is just taking it so seriously,

because it's such a serious movie, I guess. But he, ever hear him talk? Yeah, I can't quite do him. He's very like, soft-spoken and talk about the craft of acting and whatever. And there's one part of the interview where he's saying, like, it was interesting to get into his head

because he's just, he's so fat. he's such a fat, gay piece of shit. Just like shit talking to the character. He's so fat and gay and retarded. Yeah, I didn't see it. I mean, I want to see it. I'm not going to pay for it.

I'll see it when it's out, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Netflix will probably pick it up or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it just about like a fat guy? It's about a fat gay guy. But I guarantee you anything solid. Like, it's more than that.

It's about, you know, loneliness and stuff like that. But, yeah. Yeah, you would love that, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I would fucking, yeah. Be with your girlfriend, like, look this fucking loser. I'm flexing. Wow, how it's going on.

I'm like, look how not fat I am, Bill. I'm better than them. Yeah. The whole premiere of that movie is just dudes like, he'll fucking fat and gay. What a loser. It's a straight eye. Just don't, completely missing the point.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what it's about. Artie was saying there's this part where it's like, he's trying to jerk off and he can barely reach his dick or something like Yeah, that'd be funny if it was just a compilation of him just struggling under the weight of how fatty is. That's the whole movie. They have like sound effects, heaps of slipping on things. Just him falling in the shower.

Nothing's funnier. I know it happens to old people a lot and they like die, but falling in the shower, it's so funny. I've seen a dude fall in the shower before, man. It's fucking graphic. Did he like hit his head and like, yeah, dude, I used to go to a gym. It was a, it was called. four court and it was like this ragged ball like fitness club

and there was a there was open showers and dude the average age of the guys that went there was like 85 oh for sure yeah dude it would happen on a recurring basis damn like they have like a bench in the shower for those guys no dude just an open shit just a bunch of naked dudes and like dude

I was just like standing I don't even know why I was in there but just walking in it just you just staring it Just old guys. Just looking at people's dicks, dude. Yeah, but he fell, dude, and the guy at the front desk, like, ran back. And it was like, I don't want to touch him.

He's naked. Just being too homophobic to help a dying man. It was like a recurring thing, man. Like, it would happen all the time. He'd be like, not again. Fucking, you know. Damn, they should get him like some sort of boots that have like, like suction cups in the bottom of them. Just all dudes in like little boots that keep falling over.

But they're like, they kind of spring back up. Either that or like you just rip. your fucking tendons, like by falling if your legs are like stuck in. Or they could just let them fucking fall and like not doing it. Just put up a science. Like if you fall, good luck.

Yeah, at your own risk. No one is coming to save you, dude. Just drag yourself out. Yeah, I used to, when I did it, when I worked remotely from home, I would sometimes to get out of work, I'd have to make up an excuse. Did you ever say my grandma?

No, I'd said my room. I was like, one time, it was like my roommate fell in the shower and cracked his head open this morning. And my boss was like, the boss was like, I know what you're lying. He's like, whatever. Because you can't just be like, I'm sick because they're like, all right, you're home anyway. Yeah, dude, that's a hard part of working from home. You can't just say that. Also, I always like the expression cracked his head open.

I always, when I was a kid, I took things very literally. So when I heard some kid cracked his head open, I pictured like a watermelon and then like putting it back together. And I was really, like, kind of terrified. They're like, yeah, your friend Ryan cracked his head open. I'm like, dude, is he going to have a brain still? Like, how are we going to deal with this? Dude, that can happen, though. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you're hitting the head with like a hammer.

I saw a chick run into the fucking, like, you know, like the connect, like the hose connectors. Oh, man. I saw a little girl run into one of those. Wait, how? It's like this tall. Yeah, she's a little girl. Oh, so you see. Oh, I guess.

Okay. Yeah, a little child just fucking ran right into it. Dude, head first. fucking head fucking yeah it was graphic as fuck dude is she still alive i have no idea dude immediately walked away yeah i saw that i was like well this is an inconvenient place for me to be right now i'm getting the fuck out of it yeah i don't think it's gonna get more fun at this part so i'm kind of out on this dude what the fuck am i gonna do yeah yeah yeah fucking brain splattered everywhere yeah it is hard some of those situations think it back together

Does anybody have glue? Yeah, it's a, dude, those things are so hard Because it's like, in New York, you see so many of those situations where it's like, somebody's in serious, like, trouble, but you're like, all right, there's another person help you. At some point, you're doing, you guys are like, you guys all right? Okay, good. Like, I saw a guy who, uh, he backed up and, like, hit an old lady with his car. And she was like, ah, you know how they are.

And, um, he was, she was like on the ground and stuff like that. And he goes, I, I, think she's fine because I think I barely bumped her. I think I'm sure she's all right. Man, you should try to try to get her to like walk. And it's like, no, dude, you just hit an old lady with your car. He's just trying to defend it. Be like, you know, baby, you know, get the blood flow. And I think she's fine, guys. It's actually my grandma. He just throws her the back of the car. Just screw it's off. It's like the worst crime to commit. Dude, is it hit and run. Yeah, dude, it's great. Dude, I saw one on with a bicycle one time. I saw this one guy.

And I saw a bicycle. And I'm like, that's weird. I wonder where the person. And then I saw like, so far down, probably honestly like 20 feet away was a guy laying there on the ground. They're like, yeah, some guy just hit him and just drove off. Which is like the hardest city probably to do a hit and run because there's cameras everywhere. But will they find you? I don't know. You know, that's the thing too where you're like, I wish you could follow

police stories like that. Like they have the citizen app where you could see like what's happened like recently with stuff like that, but I want to know the ending. Like I saw a woman recently. Wait, what? You want to see the ending? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a story. Yeah. how does this how does this head what happens do they catch the guy but um this woman i saw her like

hitting the top of a car and then the car drove off and she had like a dog in her hand and her and her boyfriend like what the fuck and then um a police car comes up they go that woman just assaulted us can we follow them and they go yes so this woman i mean obviously like a white woman and like her boyfriend hop in the back of a cop car and just like tail a car for somebody who like attacked them and i'm like but she also she used the phrase verbally assaulted which that should not be of a sentence I hate that because I'm like So they yelled at you What? She's like he assaulted me

And then she assaulted me and then verbally assaulted me I'm like just the one part's important Nobody's hitting somebody quietly like saying nice Things so it's like yeah you can say they were hitting you and also Yeah yeah yeah I watched this show It's on Netflix called I Survived a Crime Where they just have like like real footage camera

Like security camera footage of crimes that take in place And like then people telling the story like In like an interview way And the first episode I watched was like, just like a kind of a crazy hit and run where the person that got hit just follows the other car for like miles and then cuts them off and like gets them gets their like license plate and stuff. And they just filmed the whole thing. So you got to watch it and it's cool. And the second episode is just like a homeless guy walks into a 7-Eleven and just shoots the cashier in the face. And I was like, whoa.

This is different. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just like car chases. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really interesting to wonder to the mind of the homeless guy. Was he robbing or was he just going? Just crazy. Crazy guy who like

the police afterward, they were interviewed and they were like, yeah, he just like found a gun that was used in another crime when someone just threw it away. Damn, because that's my biggest fear that a homeless guy will have a gun. Which they, I'm normally like he's homeless, he can't afford a gun. But like a homeless guy with a gun, that is unstoppable chaos. Almost guy with a hammer, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you see him holding like a piece of wood that I'm like, that's a too sharp of a piece of wood. It's like a shot where these objects are too sharp. Somebody give him like a toy noodle or something that he feels powerful with, but like, can't do any harm. A pool noodle? Yeah. That would be a great idea. Just give homeless guys like like toy swords and stuff like that. They're like, all right, they'll think something's going on because he has schizophrenia, but like... It just seems like a... Whoever came up with that idea is,

like, I just want to see them like joust. Yeah. Dude, that would be... They give them all like night costumes. Yeah, just shopping cart jousting. Give them all fisters, dude. Tell them they go to war. Wait, fisters? Fisters, yeah. Like the Hulk cans? Oh. Like a rubber fister. Like you shove up your ass.

Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, thank God. Sorry, I thought you're talking about Hulk cans. Thank God you're talking about rubber fist that you stick in your ass. What, go into a sex shop? You're like, do you like a fister?

And he's like, yeah. And you're like, like a hulk hand. It's going to be a fister. And then he gives you his own. He's like, yeah, you want to shove my hand in your ass? I don't understand the fist thing because it's like, I get why people want to get fisted because they want something big inside their ass or pussy. That makes sense.

As a consumer, I understand wanting a giant hand in your ass. But why wouldn't you just want a giant dick? Because you're in a world where anything is possible. It's the rubber sex toy machine. So it's really weird that you want a hand specific, like just somebody's hand going in your ass. I think fisters are like specifically for like gay men. But they want the feeling. Well, I get why they want to get fisted.

but I don't understand why you wouldn't want just a giant rubber dick the size of a fist. Like the real thing. Maybe that's too non-believable, you know what I mean? That's like the fantasy world. I'm not getting fucked by like a giant that I want to be. Yeah, I mean, some people buy the dragon penises. Yeah, yeah, that's like a really common.

There's the, the egg thing where people want to get like, they want to be inseminated by like alien eggs. Oh, shit. It's like a really, and then they, yeah, there's like sex toys that like when it comes, it shoots out like little plastic beads that you just like fart out of your pussy. Oh, shit, dude. Yeah, if I was a woman, dude, I don't know if I would want, like, a big dick in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, I wouldn't get the hype. I mean, like, a normal-sized dick would do it for me. Yeah, or a very small fist. Especially with all those emotions, dude, like, flaring. I feel like if you want, like, a big dick, that's like a red flag in a, in a sense. I like this idea. We should push small dick propaganda. For sure.

For our own good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be funny if there's, like, there's like, a big. like there's like CNN that's far left and then like Fox is far right and then just a far just propaganda about just like the local town just trying to make you know

that's not a bit I'm saying nonsense right now I'm just trying to keep it going I hate to fucking do this I need to piss so bad you might be stop real quick you're just laughing because you're hydrated yeah dude water just gets me going so like when you said that you were talking about something like super serious and I started laughing

you're just like I'm so hydrated am I get on here by the way yeah you're fine I'm getting sitting in the same I don't know what dude it's just filming it over there

this whole thing got fucked up because so what happened today is I was trying to buy concert tickets I got I got ripped off online

I hate when you think something might be a scam and then it ends up being completely a scam and then you're like of course I got fucking scammed it was one of those where like I wanted to see a concert

it's this don't make fun of me but feel free to make fun of me it's this band called Pepper you know pepper no it's like a like I hate to say surf rock

because that just sounds like a guy trying to justify reggae music. You're like, it's not quite reggae. It's not quite Scott. It's like, you know, Bob Marley, but electric guitars in there.

But I like the band, so I was like listening to them this weekend. I was like, oh, I like them. How much your ticket? $60. And as I listened to them, I started liking them less just because the idea of paying $60 for a ticket.

I was kind of like, I don't know. I'm starting to... You're trying to, like, psych yourself out and be like, I shouldn't spend this money? Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, you know what? They're not even that good.

I don't even like them. And I saw on Facebook, somebody was selling for like $25. And I was like, perfect. I'll like, yeah, it's like nothing. I got no shows tonight. I'll check it out. And the woman's profile is normal. She's like, I've got pictures of kids.

People are commenting like, you're the best, Nicole, all this stuff like that. I'm like, all right, she seems like she's not a scammer. Yeah. And I mean, my buddy are buying tickets. I was like, I'll send you money for one ticket. You'll send me the ticket. And they'll send you money for the other ticket. And then she goes, oh, yeah, she goes, it's been, um, in order to change the name

on the ticket. I need 30 extra dollars. And this is like right after I Zelda. So like, this is obviously like a scam. Can I have my money back? And then she goes, you're funny. And then just like blocked me. And then, uh, I just went on like, I just got so furious. Because I hate, I was like, I knew I shouldn't have bought fucking concert tickets on Facebook marketplace. But I don't know. Have you been scammed? I've never fallen for one. But I have, uh, I mean, I know people, I don't think it's like a, you're dumb if you fall for one. You know? Yeah, because it's like I have bought a concert.

about, I've also gotten ripped off for this. I've done the exact same thing. I've gotten ripped off like 50 bucks. But I've gone to a concert where I've bought in like five tickets from one person like this who just couldn't go. But then that should have been the red flag. I was like, who one person has five tickets they have to sell now for this concert? Yeah, yeah.

And, uh, yeah. So I like, I screenshotted people in her life. But this is like psychotic. I get so fucking petty. I was like, all right, if she blocks me, I'm going to reach out to like her family members to be like, this person's a piece of shit. And, uh, so now I'm just like messaging. her family. Like, by the way, your friend Nicole is a piece of shit. She's sold me these fucking

concert tickets. She's gonna make a terrible mother. Just all this stuff. It's just like totally. It's just wasting my time. You know what's just wasting your time? But for some reason, you just like, I'm annoying and shit like that. I don't do like Yelp reviews, but like I have that. You got that dog in you? Yeah. I'm like, fuck this person. But then they're winning. It's like, it's like the Joker. You know what I mean? Where I'm like, they won. Like, because now they're, they wasted my money and they wasted. in my time now. Yeah, it's also just one person and you're like making it about their whole, everyone in their life. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I border like, dude's a pretty like absurd stuff.

I'm like, right, this is crossing the line. I can't, you know. Yeah. When I did like cold call sales and I worked for a company that was, it was just a scam. Definitely was a scam. Really? Like, that's how I saw. I don't understand financial stuff really. So like, you know, when I would call people and they would immediately be like, yeah, sounds good. I'd be like, Are you real? Are you serious? Just a word salesman. You have like, you have no questions about this? You're just gonna, I don't, you don't know my real name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give trust me with like, like, like, thousands of your dollars. Would you say a fake name? Yeah, I would use fake name. Really? Yeah. Because I still, okay, anyways, yeah. They didn't tell me to do that, but I was like, I don't want these people like

calling me back and be like, well, Jake, it was the person who took this money for me. They wouldn't listen in your calls? Oh, they would, yeah. That's why I got fired. Yeah, because you weren't doing anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I would actively be like, you shouldn't do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a scam. It's a good man, dude. They could hear you that on the line. You're like, Jake, we'd appreciate if you wouldn't say this is a complete scam with trying to sell our product. Did you ever tell you when they, like, called me out in a Zoom meeting with like the whole company? No. So it was like the job was on this, uh, this interface.

It was a remote job. And you'd use this interface where they would give you, like, contacts. And then you just call them through your computer with like a headset. and they could just see all your analytics and listen to your calls, your boss could. And so what I would do, and what I guess a lot of people would do is like if I came across a number that was deactivated, I would just call it like a bunch of times. And then you racked up your call laws. Because, yeah, I need to make 300 calls a day.

So I just called, you know, a bunch of times. And then one day the boss called everyone in like a Zoom meeting. And it was like like 50 people or something. And he was like, all right, a lot of you guys have figured out that if you call a deactivated number a couple times. It'll like rack up your your call log a little bit. Most do it a couple times a day. It's not a big deal.

It is an abuse, but you know, I'll let it slide. Jake here, that he pulled up my thing and he goes, Jake found a deactivated number yesterday and called it 300 times. So you basically made zero calls that day. They called 300 and just logged out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was my day. Oh, I thought you logged out of the Zoom meeting. You're like,

I guess I'm fired. Well, he got me there. and I was just laughing on the Zoom. What am I going to do? I'll be like, no, it was, you know, a mistake. Like, no, it's like, he got me so red-handed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, yeah, that's exactly what I was. Yeah, they fired me like three days later.

Yeah, yeah. I think he listened to a call where a guy, a guy got mad at me for being like, you guys call me all the time. And I was like, yeah, because you keep checking the thing on the website that says, call me again. Yeah. I was like, don't, like, this is a scam. You know it's a scam.

So just don't pick up the fucking phone. Yeah, yeah. talk to me. It just fired me after that. Yeah. Yeah, I had to do, I had one job that I had for one week, which was sick because I just made $750. And I didn't have to report it on taxes because I'm like, this is below the amount that I have to report through this job. But I was like in between jobs.

And what the job was it was selling businesses on like an Uber Eats kind of program. And so I just call like so many businesses. And then you'd have to go into the restaurant and be like, hey, you want to try this? And yeah, I couldn't explain to the guy why. He's like, why do you want to not do this job? I was like, I don't know. Like, genuinely, I just needed $750 for this week. And, like, I thought maybe this would be a good thing.

But people are, like, genuinely excited about some of that sale stuff. I don't know. For me, it's like, if I feel like I'm fucking somebody over, it's hard to sell something. Like, in everybody's like, you have to believe in the product. I'm like, I believe in, like, three products, like, Viagra, beer. You know what I mean, there's like three things that I'm like, I could stand behind this being something that benefits people. But, like, half the time, I'm like, this is everything everybody's selling is so fucking stupid. And it's such a high rate.

I don't understand. understand people's greeting this. Like maybe it's because I grew up with money that I have this thing where I'm like, I don't get people's attachment to money. But people are like wild with it where it's like people are like, they'll, they'll fire somebody just to make like an extra smidge more money of a thing. And like, this is kind of wild. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. But that's why this woman I was just so angry at her. This fucking piece of shit, I don't care if she has kids. And I'm sure she's just like a single mom probably just trying to like make money. I got ripped out people with concert tickets. And I'm like, I hope her fucking hair falls out and she looks ugly.

And like, like, wishing like a reasonable, but not like, I don't want her to die or anything. But it's funny because Lawrence Reese was in the podcast a couple months ago. Just talking about how he fucked a girl and like stole all of her money. I'm like, that's classic Lawrence. And then something like, I get $25 stolen from me. I'm like, this woman is a garbage human being. Yeah, I've seen people like legitimately like ruin their lives over scams. Oh, really?

Like what? Yeah. Well, when I was in the bank, it would happen all the time. but this old guy came in once. Just in the bank. Yeah, like they would... Huh? Just standing in the bank?

Watching for scams? No, like, when I fucking... I fucking worked there, dude. I would be, like, at my desk, and, like, people would come in to file, like, fraud claims. And this one old guy came in, and he was, like... He was like, my fucking son's in jail. And I got to bail him out.

And I was like, all right, man. Like, this is a fucking bank. Yeah. And he was like... He was like, these fucking... this fucking woman called me. She said, hey, your son's in jail. 25K.

25K to bail him out. And this guy was like, I got to fucking, I got to send this lady $25,000. He's like, I got the information. Send it right now. And I'm like, no, dude. I was like, I'm not doing this. So I walked to my boss. I explained the situation.

He was like, don't do it. And this guy was like adamant. He was like, send. the fucking money right now. So I sent it, dude. Like, this dude wired. Before he came out of the next day, he's like, why'd you let me send it?

My life's in shambles. Yeah, dude, he sent $25,000 to some fucking random account. His whole life savings just to fucking... Dude came back like two late, like two weeks later. He was like, yeah, so I just lost all of my saving, like all of my money.

Oh my God. He was like, turns out it was a scam. And I was like, dude, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah. Yeah, that stuff is hilarious. Yeah, that's like his whole life, dude, that he just sent away. His whole life is $25,000? Yeah.

That's not, I... That's most people don't have that much money, you know? That's like pretty average. Maybe I'm like loaded, I don't know. Like, a life save... I mean, I guess... I'm talking about in like the... In like the world?

25,000 dollars. Yeah, if I lost 25,000... I don't own $25,000 at all. But I'm also 26. You know what I think? Like, like, I don't think... I think $25,000. $25,000 is an insane amount of money.

Somebody says, you owe me $25,000. I would say that's going to take so much of my time. Just kill me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck that. But if at the end of your life at 80, I don't know, maybe I'm thinking of like assets as well. Because I think like $25,000 a year is like, but I guess you spend all that money on shit throughout the year. Because I was thinking of it in terms of salary because you make $25,000 a year and you're 80.

I'm bad at math. So I'm like, okay, he worked for 40 of those years, 40 times 20,000. There's some statistic where it's like most Like 60 Some crazy percentage of Americans have less than A thousand dollars Yeah Most people have no savings dude

Yeah that's why part of it too I picture myself I'm like when I get to that age I'll have all the savings and then I don't have any money right now I'm like I my bank account does not have money on it And I'm just thinking I think I'm just projecting how great I will be in life Then I'm like 25 this guy's a fucking loser

And I'm like yeah I don't have have that much. I really took a big investment in myself. I'm like, I'm funny. Yeah. That's me with everything. Dude, I'll like, like the tickets to the concerts. I'm like, yeah, I don't, sure I don't have money to go to this concert, but I'm sure I'll make it one day and this will finally even out. Yeah, but God wants me to go to this concert. Yeah. Yeah. I'm making all these excuses in my head. I'm like, dude, you know what? My friend died a couple years ago. He liked this band. So this is really me celebrating his birthday to go to this concert. Yeah, dude, if I, if something like that happened to me, like if I lost 25K, dude, the bank was in the same parking lot

as a stop and shop. Dude, I would start from that end of the parking lot just full speed through the stop and shop. I'd be, yeah, like, just get it, like, I'd be going like at least 80 miles an hour through a stop and shop. Yeah. For sure, dude.

Like, I'm never going to get that money back. I just literally ruined my life. Yeah. Like, I did that to myself. Yeah, you can't blame anybody else. I was just a fucking... One motion, no pause. Just get up from the scene.

you're sitting in at the bank, walk out to your car, turn the key, drive for him to the same. You see it on the security camera, like, he didn't even stop for a second. Because, like, if that dude lived too, like, it would, and it was on camera,

he might be able to get 25K and, like, you know, revenue from those views. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. He starts becoming, like, a TikToker. He's like, hey, guys, I'm doing unboxing videos now.

He's like some old guy. He can't even open the fucking boxes because it's, His hands are so great. Dude, you know many views that would get just to see like an 80-year-old dude just hop in his fucking Oldsmobile? It's like, watch this, guys.

Hey, what's up, guys? It's Clarence. Yeah, it would be nice to point. He's like a dash cam video where he's like, yeah, so $25,000 out the window. I'm gonna fucking just gun it into the stop. That's like he becomes famous for that and he has to keep recreating that.

He's like, comment below what bank you want. Screw me over next And what restaurant You want me to drive my car through? They get the court case on video, dude The cold move is as an old guy too He could pretend to be confused When he gets out of the car

He's like, what's happening? And then they're like, all right, yeah For sure, dude, they could videotape Like the court cases too Yeah He's like pleading not guilty Yeah, yeah He's like, I thought I was in my ass

Fucking like sis He thought he was in his ass Like, what are we gonna do? Judges like, I got I'm fucking, I feel like the jury would probably be on his side. They'd be like, this guy's a fucking man.

Yeah. They'd be like you drove through a stop and shop going 80 miles an hour. Dude, I know a couple of dudes who've ran into things. I know some guy

who came home from a concert and somebody, he drove there, which is so funny because he's like, yeah, you know, I'm probably not gonna,

he's ideas. He goes, I'm gonna take Molly at the concert so I'm gonna be able to drive back home because in fairness, like if you're not rolling

that hard, you could probably drive a little bit. And he just got drunk at the concert and then just drove into a McDonald's. and I'm pretty sure he got away with it. I don't remember the end of this story,

but like fully crashed into a McDonald's. Yeah, most people would get away, man. I used to go to Subway, like, every day, and I would get, like, a double chicken chopped salad. And I was, like, famous for doing that. Like, people would drive by and be like, oh, there's John getting his salad. Yeah.

And the one day I didn't go, this old lady, like, drove her Oldsmobile through the front of the subway. It was like, it was on the news, everything, man. And they were like, thank God, Johnny Salami was here getting this typical. Chop. That would be funny. I think it's like a Jared

from Subway thing. You're gonna like lose weight. Just go to Subway everything. Oh, dude, I lost. I have like cake. Yeah. I have like awkward cake. Dude, I lost so much weight from those salads, man.

I would literally go every day, dude. Dude, I would bring people too. I'd be like, you guys. I was like, you guys ever try the salads here? They'd be like, what are you fucking stupid? And then they would try them and be like, this isn't that bad? Like, they're pretty good, man.

Yeah, yeah. The most common crime scene I'd see in my hometown was people driving into shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a big road in my town called Shore Road that's just along the water and people would just drive through the fucking, like railing all the time into the ocean.

And they didn't think to maybe make a little better railing. They just keep putting it back the same way. You go straight into the ocean? Into like the bay, yeah. They would just do it all the time. So graphic, dude. You can't keep people from doing it. Like, dude, imagine being fucking high and, like, not being aware of what's happening with you.

You're like, oh, maybe I have a chance of, like, surviving and then you just hit the water. I bet if you're high, you're driving just, like, straight at the water and you're like, I'll turn at some point. Yeah. Before they say you're not supposed to like, I don't know, my dad's giving me all these little tips on how to survive these crazy situations that would just like never happen. And there's one he told me about how to get out of a car that's sinking in the water. And in my head, I was like, when the fuck am I going to get? Again, the scenario. They told me that every grade in elementary school,

some, the teacher would mention that at some point. Every grave? Grade. Every grave. Yeah. I thought your teachers would go by each grade. That's how they'd go to the graveyard next to my school. This kid was a high school.

We decided to drink and drive. See what happens. I thought, no, I actually. This is a woman there. Like, that's my son. He's like, yeah, well, we got to teach these kids. They'd always say they're like, wait until the water is level with what it is outside the window and then roll the window down.

I guess this is a really common occurrence where I guess. I mean in my time, certainly was fully like plunged under. Yeah, because otherwise the water is going to rush in and just kill you. You can't open the door.

So you got to wait until the water levels are equal. Yeah. To open the door. Wait, so the water level is equal with... Like the water outside the window and the water in the car are equal. Because otherwise,

when you open the door, if the water's like up here, if you open the door, the water's going to rush in and just kill you. And it's going to sink the car fast. I think about that. lot, dude. Because there have been times back

in the day where I would be driving and I just be like, dude, I have no idea what's going on right now. Like I could just fucking drive through a house. Especially dark roads where you can't see. You're just like, well, I guess we'll just roll with this. I love how relaxed you are about possibly just

losing your life. Look, this is what's going on? I might just die. I do have that. Every time I'm behind the wheel of a car, I'm like, I can't believe it. Let me do this. There was a time. There was a time. Dude, I had a, a Dodge ram like a flame truck and we fishbowled it. It was like me was fish bowling when you like close the windows and you just fucking literally just smoke and oh like hot boxing. Yeah yeah same thing.

We did that for like two hours and I was driving and I was like inconsolably high and there's a road in my town that's like a dirt road and bro we were literally all I remember is being on a fucking hill like a ledge. And if I made a wrong turn, my truck would just roll off the ledge. But I was literally just in park, like in tears laughing. You're listening to like fucking CCR, like crying laughing. And the kid in the back was like, dude, put it in park right now and get the fuck out of the driver's seat. And I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, man. He was like, dude, you go left right now. Like, we're all going to get fucked over. But you're doing that high joking thing. We're like, oh, what if I do? What if I do?

Yeah, I was like, that would be really sad. You found out half those accidents there were like, a guy like, come on, what if I drive towards the ledge? One of his wife's like, don't do it, Barry. He's like, come a, come on. What if I do it? Yeah. But he had to literally like fucking drive us out of there. Yeah. I don't even know where I was. I was in

the woods somewhere, like on a fucking hill. Yeah. You know what I mean? I've driven high once. I was so scared because I was driving my dad's car. And I was like, yeah, people smoke pot and drive all the time. We're totally fine. And then I just, I remember the pan, like, I could just feel my body. I was like, dude, I'm going to fucking die. It's like, it's so hard to get out of, like, crashing your car, like, hi. I did it one time and I got pulled over. And I was alone in my car and I was like,

this is going to be fine. We're chilling. And the guy came over. The cop pulls you like, we're chilling. Yeah, he came, the guy came over and he was talking to me and I was being very like, how are you off, like, whatever. Good day to you, sir. He was being very like, yeah, you know, you I was in like a five lane highway at like two in the morning. There's no one there. And I turned, I turned left from all the way right. He's like,

you know I pulled you over right? And I was like, I was speeding. And he's like, not at all. You're going very slow. Yeah. And then he was like,

he's like, I'm going to let you off with a warning. But he's like, how far do you live from here? And now it's like not far at all. And he's like, all. And he's like,

all right, you should go home because the ice cream in your passenger seat is, completely melted. It was just like a lake of ice cream. I just forgot I bought ice cream. Good day, sir. It's just ice cream spilled all over the place. I have no pants on it a bow tie.

Good day. Good day, good sir. Yeah, I used to get a, my parents had like weird rules about like, they wouldn't let me drive with older kids if they like didn't know the person because they didn't want me dying. I mean, obviously like, I had a certain age to stop caring,

but like when I was like 12 and 13, probably 12 through 14, they were like, I want to know, if you're driving somebody under the age of 18 because I want to make sure you're not getting accidents. I remember my buddy's older brother was driving us one time. And we're at like a stoplight right by my parents' house. Like they see me like they would get really mad.

And he's like hitting his bong. For some reason, we're in the backseat and his bongs in like the passenger seat. And he's like hitting it. He's got like a seatbelt on it. And I remember I was like, I was like, I hope this guy's like okay to drive. And he turns around and looks to me and goes,

dude, I feel like I'm in a spaceship right now. And I was just like, dude, we're going to fucking die. Yeah, dude, I used to like, like, they got baked once and I had a girlfriend. And for some reason, I was like so baked. I was like, I need to impress my girlfriend right now. And my friend was in the back. She's going to leave me if I don't just do donuts in a parking lot of high school.

It's just so stupid, dude. My friend was in the back and we had just gone sledding. Like, had a good time. Everyone was like happy. And I just gas it up, dude. Just fucking yin-h-h-h-y-due. Literally, I drifted. It was snowing.

I drifted like 50 yards. and we were going towards a house and everyone in the truck was like, we're about to drive through this house. Yeah. And I drifted and I landed like two feet away from the front door. And then I just peeled out.

Dude, everyone was like so mad. Yeah. They were like, dude. Imagine just like looking out of the eye hole. You're like, I hear some noise outside. And you're just seeing a car just go like an inch away from the door and just drive away. With neutral expression.

you just see a massive fucking Dodge Ram with flames on it dude. You had actual like flames on the side of your car? Yeah, it was just like a massive like four door Dodge Ram with legitimate flames. I would look at if I heard something, I looked at my window and that was in my mom. I'd be like, yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, that's what you're doing that. Of course it's this guy.

Were you a truck nuts guy? No, dude. I just like, I bought it from my neighbor man. And yeah. It was like a childhood. truck that I had seen, like I grew up with it. Oh, yeah. So like, I would always see my neighbor driving it and everyone would be like, do, that truck is so fucking cool. And talk about getting ripped off. Like, he put it for sale.

And he was like notorious for ripping people off. But I was like, dude, that is like the coolest truck ever, man. And my mom wrote him like a check for 10 grand. Turns out like everything was wrong in the truck, dude. First day, man, I was merging onto the highway and the exhaust pipe fell off. And I just

turned around and there was like legitimate fire starting. It was so bad man. And then I like went to I was like dude I have a truck now man like let's go fucking rip some donuts. And I hit a fucking like dirt jump in the truck.

And landed on like a rock and the rock shot up into like the transmission. I had to get a whole new transmission which is like $3,500. And then I ended up getting like an engine replacement. So I spent probably five times the amount That the car would normally Yeah it was it was bad man

But there was just so much like Meaning to it like with the flames and everything Yeah yeah yeah I was just fucking blasting like Just like the craziest songs You had like subwoofers in it You really feel like when you're like younger Like I thought I was so cool when I'd be blaring rap music I'm like dude I'm from the fucking streets

Like I'll be like this is what I like Nobody can fuck with me I get that I'm not black But like I have enough down here in my heart did I am black like I was like I could fucking I'm cool I literally thought I was cool enough I was like

you know what if a bunch of tough guys came with me right now I'd be able to pull it off and then I'm really just driving my dad's car like blaring you just look like literally the biggest douche bag ever absolutely I have my little Ralph Lauren polo button down and then like my little sparries on with like like probably salmon shorts

that like go up like way too high because there's that time period where like in middle school at least the way I grew up middle school you were gay if you wear high shorts but then high school they changed and they're like, no, now it's cool because, you know, polo stuff. So, like, the coolest guy had, like, basically like a fog on at high school. And they were like, look at this guy.

Look how confident he's with his body. It's like a fat dude who dips and just has, like, basically his nut sack hanging out of, like, his thing. That's like the scariest day, though, man, the first day you get a vehicle and you're driving around. Yeah. I could stop smiling when I got my license. I remember just, like, grinning and I was like,

you can't believe, like you were saying, people are letting you do that. Yeah, it's so frightening. Yeah. I had a a Subaru legacy wagon. It was like 20 something years old when I was younger and I would deliver pieces in it. And then one day I had the like the check engine

light went on and I brought it up to someone at the pizzeria and they were like yeah you can like you can check your engine later. It'll be fine. And so I just kept driving the car for like months. And then one day I was driving up a hill and the engine exploded. Oh Jesus.

And I was like had pizzas in the car so I had to walk to the place that I was delivering to deliver him, go back and then call my uncle's company where he did the tow trucks. And they came and they were like, yeah, you completely destroyed this car.

If you just checked to the engine, it would be fine. Yeah, dude, that's my, I'm the last, I never check engines. Then I'm like, oh, whatever, I'll be fine. And then you were like, and you realize you're like, oh, yeah, this actually does catch up to you. My favorite type of delivery is him. I want you to tell that story again with the fucking wings.

Oh, yeah. Dude, he used to work at his pizza shop. That's the funniest shit I heard. I didn't even, I don't even think I told you this. We were talking about pizza, weren't we? Yeah, yeah. Delivering pizzas. Best job ever.

I didn't tell you about the wings story? No. Oh, dude. I was working for this place called Four Brothers Pizza. And there would be like, I was delivering, like, we were talking about being a delivery driver, dude. And there was like this massive order for a corporation. It was like 600 to 800 wings.

So the chefs are taking, like, all day to cook it, dude, and they finally, like, get the order, and they're like, all right, John, here you go, man, like, go deliver it. Dude, so I was, like, walking out with the wings, and they just fucking, I dropped them. Like, it fucking, the thing broke from beneath, and they all went flying everywhere. And, like, dude, instead of just being like, all right, like, I'm going to go tell my boss, dude, I started grabbing the wings from the ground and, like, putting them back in the plate. They're just covered in, like, dirt and grass and shit.

And I was like, I was like, oh, dude, I'll just deliver it like this. Like, they'll complain, but like, I won't be responsible for it. And, uh, wait, how are you not going to be, you're the ones that dropped off the winds filled with dirt. At what point do you get out of it? You'd be like, this is, I have no idea. I would have just been like, I dropped it off. Like, I don't know what's in, what's in this.

I didn't make them. You have fucking barbecue sauce all over your shirt. You're like, look, I have no idea. All over your mouth. look, my job is to bring it from point A to point B. I have no idea. Maybe the guy in there fucking decided to put, you know, dirt on it and grass. Yeah, but my boss saw the whole thing, dude, he saw me walk out.

They dropped like, dude, I was like, oh, fuck. And I was like throwing them in. I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm just picturing a point of view of, like, looking out the window and seeing a guy just like, fuck, just putting just like dirty wings into a fucking bin to go give to customers. But, dude, the chef that, the chef found out, like, my boss was like, hey, John, just drop the wings that you just cooked. and the, dude, the chef just walk to the back fridge and just started throwing fucking haymakers at the fridge, dude.

Like a fucking steel fridge, just fucking throwing combinations for like 40 minutes. Dude, I did so much shit like that when I was delivering. I would just fuck up and be like, whatever. No one will figure this out. One time I was like delivered just like soup, like a bunch of soup, to some house. And I was smoking cigarettes during that time.

And I just smoked cigarettes in the car while I'm delivering. Just ashing it in the soup. Yeah, I got to the house and I realized, like, one of the soup containers is a little open. So I just put my fingers in the thing and just closed it. Brought it to the house. And then the guy immediately called the pastry. And he's like, yeah, there's just cigarette ash all over.

Dude, nothing's more disrespectful of it. I had, like, yellow fingers and just smelled like cigarettes. And I'm like, I don't know. Maybe it was the chef. Yeah. The chefs at the pizza I worked out were so fucking funny, man. They were like this one guy, the bit he would always do. He had one cucumber that he just always had hidden somewhere.

And anytime one of the other chefs would bend over to get anything, he'd grab it and just shove it up to ass. And he like didn't speak English. That's the only relationship I had with him. He'd be like, Jacob, just make me watch him do that. I should your boss was like pretty cool, right? My boss was awesome, yeah.

It's amazing that, like, pranks like that, as long as you don't have an actual sexual motive, are really funny. Like, it's very funny to, like, pants a guy or, like, shove something. Not into his asshole, but, like, as a joke, just do that. Because you're like, but if you were horny about it, immediately makes it disgusting, and you're a criminal. You know what I mean? Like, I'm doing it for the laugh, not, but the second, he's like, isn't this hot? You're like, that's disgusting. You're going to mean, it's grossed out, but, like, you're pantsing somebody being like, ha ha ha.

My boss, dude, he brought his wife into the back. and his wife was like smoking hot. And dude, he just took like all the dough. Like it would come in like massive things. So he just, he goes, hey John, watch this. Grabbs like pounds of dough and just smacks it on the table. And he just draws a pussy with the dough. And his wife is right there.

He was just like, check that shit out. I was just like straight face. Like I didn't say anything. I was like, all right, man. He just goes down to lick. His wife is just standing there quietly. He's like, yeah, just shut up for a second. His wife was genuinely disturbed.

And I was like, I don't know what you want me to do, man. He starts fucking the dough on the tape. He was so random, dude. Like, he barely talked to me at all. And like, he did that, like, out of the blue. And I was like, dude, you could get fucking, I'm going to call fucking hippo dude. Yeah, restaurants are fucking insane. Dude, we had, I worked in a restaurant and, like, there's one dude who worked there.

And I guess he, like, overdose on hair when it worked one thing. time. And then another dude was like, it was just like crazy. The dudes there were, one guy I fucking, I think I was like, I was 16 or something like that. And this guy was like, yeah, you want to go to Florida State? He's like, I was in a fraternity

there. Tell you what, you get me some oxy cottons or some percocet, some like that? He's like, I'll put in a good word for you with the local fraternity and I'll pay you for the pills as well. I was like, sweet. So my friend, I like a broken back. So I gave the guy a bunch of pills. And then the guy just didn't show up to work ever again. And then I just like, I'm like, can you, imagine just like ripping off like buying pill like what point of your life are you buying pills from a teenager and not not giving the money and then just not showing up the world like basically just like

lost your job just for like pills from a fucking kid yeah dude there's so many like characters there but i don't know man it was like one of the best jobs in my life and i don't know why yeah it was just weird oh yeah it's entertaining yeah definitely best job ever had any job where you're driving around dude is like uh like i work for amazon dude and it was like one of the best See, that's why I could be an Uber driver And that was the funniest job But like the working And I worked in a fondue restaurant

And that wasn't as fun Because I was getting burned all the time And I got burnt a lot Yeah, yeah, yeah Just because I was like stupid I'm like bad at being in a kitchen We're like the least competent people do When I when I never fucking hire any of us

It's like it's such a mistake Like I Well I mean I don't know I don't speak for John That's fine I don't know He's the guy that dropped all the wings And put it back in the tray

filled with you're literally giving dirt to customers with grass on it. I never gave up though. We got a heart. I could have stood there and just been like fuck, but I was like, no, dude, we're going to figure this out. I wanted you guys to have these swings from the bottom of my heart. Yeah. I'm going to take a piss, dude. You guys go ahead.

Like it's like, dude, when I worked at fucking Blackstone, like I did mail for a little bit, but a lot of times I was delivering coffee to conference rooms. That was like my previous job there. And I'm like, I literally fucked that up. All I have to do is deliver coffee. And in my head, I'd be like, is this the deal. decath with the naughty and I'm just completely ruining this. I would

fuck shit like that up all the time. And it's like literally the most basic like this job anybody could do but uh and I went to college and I worked really hard through high school I took a lot of Adderall. I studied. I did all these things and then now I can't even do like something like that at all. Yeah no I'd be the only thing

I'm really I can do is like deliver stuff. Yeah. If you just give me the adjoic take all of the thinking out of it. Yeah. Yeah. Like go here and give them this. Yeah. Okay. And then even that sometimes, I'm just like, I can't find it.

Yeah. Dude, I've never had a job that I'm like, I'm good at this. Like, never once have been like really. And I've had jobs where they think I'm good at it because they're like, holy shit, because they have really low standards. Yeah, yeah. But I've never once been like, yeah, I'm good at this thing. Yeah.

They were, you were talking about like, like, not related. I'm just throwing shit in there. I was really, did you see like the Titanic apparently? Like, have you heard about the PCP thing with that movie? No. The whole cast, apparently of Titanic, I was reading about this, they got drugged with PCP one day on set

and they never found out who had it. So apparently the clam chowder and apparently it was like delicious clam chowder so people kept going back for more and like the whole entire cast of Titanic just got fucked up on angel dust. That's awesome. Which is like, it is awesome,

but it's like the last thing you want. It's a weird like, you know, like, oh, they put weed in a cookie. They put angel dust in the chowder. and clam shower. But it's also like that's, that's, that is fully wanting to sabotage something.

I think hitting PCP and stuff was back when they didn't have fentanyl. They're like, we just want to fuck this person up. Because it's like there's no, nobody's thinking back. No, trust me, they'll like it.

It's like, it's like, fucking training day. You ever seen training day? No, but he smokes the. Oh, man. Yeah,

like Denzo Washington makes Ethan Hawke smoke weed. He's like, I want to know that you're like cool or something. Yeah. And, uh, he smokes. it's PCP.

Oh, shit. Yeah. What's training day about? You're fucking such a good movie. Yeah, such a good movie, man. It's about football? No, no, no. It's about, uh,

Denzo Washington is like a senior drug cop. Yeah. And Ethan Hawk is like a, like a new recruit on his first day. And Denzo Washington is training him. And it's just a day. And Denzo Washington's like a fucking badass and he's evil. Yeah. And it's, they're together the whole day,

but you find out towards the end that Denzo Washington's like been trying to fuck him over the whole time. Oh, okay. Like pin stuff on it. I don't know why. I've always heard the movie Training Day and I pictured it like one of those Remember the Titans kind of movie.

And everybody talks about the angel dust scene. I'm like, what scene? I don't know why I've pictured my version of the movie is Denzel Washington's a coach. And he's like, go on to be tough. Smoke the reefer. Go ahead, smoke this. It's got Angel Dust.

I don't know. It's weird when you haven't seen a movie. So you just have to picture your own version of it. And that's what I pictured. Because I've heard of that scene. I've heard of that scene. Yeah, he smokes Angel Dust in Training Day. And yeah. ending is like there's like a notorious scene at the end

where he's just like fucking screaming in the middle of a neighborhood and yeah and uh yeah dude it's like I'll be at the gym and I'll listen to uh till I collapse by Eminem and there's a version where it's just like the beginning is Denzel screaming

at the yeah fucking intense dude yeah yeah yeah I uh yeah never seen it but also that that's uh I think I think what they said with the PCP thing on Titanic what they were trying to say is that like it was for sure like just that's what happens when you have people who like are getting treated like shit and then they're like I'm just going to fuck over James Cameron right now because it's like that way is that who was James Cameron Titanic?

Was he also Terminator? And Avatar. That's probably where he came up with the idea for Avatar. Just high on BCP. Aliens. The second alien movie. Oh, okay. James Cameron too.

Dude, I told you I cried watching T2 the other day. It's bad with movies in me, dude. I cry and almost. I was watching. Braveheart cried during that. You saw it? Yeah, yeah. I think we were talking about how I hadn't seen it. I saw it a couple weeks ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking beautiful movie, man. It was amazing. Yeah. You cried? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't remember what part, but like T2, I was crying at the very end where Terminator's going, like, little John Connor's like, no, don't do this fucking raspy voice. He said, don't leave me. It's like, because I was like, that's his real dad. It's like a robot, basically. Yeah, I had to give a presentation on Braveheart when I was in, like,

sixth grade or something. So I had to do a bunch of research on the movie. And I got, somehow I got. myself onto these message boards where people were talking about how William Wallace is like an Anglo-Saxon hero that like other races are trying to pretend doesn't exist. I was like, I don't know if I should

mention any of this. Dude, you kind of look like William Wallace's like father before it goes to war. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. That's awesome. William Wallace was a real man. My favorite conspiracy I saw, there's this dude on Instagram I follow up. I've no idea how I ended up following him.

But I showed you this. So apparently they're the, Tyler Perry's in talks to take over BET. And this guy comments over and under he's dead in six weeks. And I'm like, what part of you think the deep state cares if Tyler Perry runs BED? Yeah, I was like Bill Gates is like another Medea movie will make people think for themselves.

And that's not what we want. Oh, yeah. I love Tyler Perry, dude. I haven't seen any of his movies, but I feel like I would love. Like Medea, I feel like, is the movie that I will love. Yeah. And also when he just acts and other stuff, he's great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's awesome. He's like a solid mentor, too. I think someone cried in front of him recently. That was like Bradley Martin or something. Yeah, yeah. I don't know why. I don't know if this means anything to anyone.

I was just like looking through YouTube and it was like Bradley Martin. I think he has a podcast or something. He was sitting down with Tyler Perry. And he just started getting emotional. And Tyler was just like, dude, just like, when you put the wig on and pretend to be Medi. Yeah, man. It's so motivating. It was beautiful, man.

Though he is like a, like a fucking, like, not monopolist. What's it called when you're just crushing shit? Yeah, he is like... You know what? I'll be honest. I knew the word, and I did not want to say the word tycoon. Just because of the... There's a word in there. Tycoon Barry.

It sounds bad. It does sound bad. But you know what I... Isn't that the word for like somebody who's like, who's created a whole industry? Yeah. Is there another word? A magnate or something like.

I don't know. I know, like, three words. yeah, yeah. Titan of industry. Titan of industry, yes. That works a little better. Yeah, I mean, he owned, like, he started the new Hollywood in Atlanta. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He owns, like, Tyler Perry Studios, like, massive thing down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's the man, dude. Yeah. What if, like, you know how they just banned, like, drag in Tennessee? Just made dressing and drag illegal.

Be funny, he's leading the charge to switch the head. Dressed as Medea. Dude, that's, that's so wild. It's, it's so funny the caring. See, my thing is like, I, somebody's probably made this point, but I was reading like the drag story time stuff. And like, my thing is, I think it, I don't care what they're doing in schools. I really don't give a fuck. But I would, if I was into drag, I'd be like, we, you're making it lame. Like, if I was a kid, anytime they try to bring something into school, I would just be like, you fuck you.

You know what I mean? Like, anytime the school would try to be like, we're going to learn about acoustic guitars, I'd be like, I fucking hate acoustic guitars now. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I think it's like wrong what they're doing. It just seems like such a petty political move down there. Oh, yeah. Make drag illegal. But also, like, anytime something like this happens, there's, you always see like

the lamest people that you wouldn't want supporting you, supporting that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like Steve Hofstetter did a show in Chattanooga in drag. Wait, really? To be like, this is a movement. He's just, because balls are hanging out of a dress. I feel like, dude, honestly, man. Steve Hofstetter, crowdwork king.

people just sound like... It's him and drag. And like a little kid's like, hey, would you say something, bitch? How would you come up and talk to me? He's just like, Steve Heckler annihilates the toddler heckler at drag story time.

Why did you wear a dress today? Oh, what did it wear? What are you fucking conserved? Like, yeah. Fucking kick you in the throat, bitch. Whoa. He just doesn't get it. You were saying so about it?

No, I just heard a lot about like dudes hooking up with other dudes. Like, consensually, man. You know? Well, I shouldn't call them dudes. You're reading up on it?

I shouldn't call them dudes, like the, you know, the drags, bro. Like, they have their way, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think you call them dudes when they're in, not in drag. Former dudes. Yes.

They're no longer. It's like they're still dudes in there. Yeah. Oh, really? So drag is just like they dress up. Yeah, drag is just, yeah, it's just cross-dressing. Yeah, yeah.

We could be drag if we wore like white dresses and wigs. We would be... That would be drag, yeah. Okay. Which apparently, my favorite, I was talking to somebody about comedy in Indonesia or one. And like, because they just started doing stand-up, like a dude wearing like a blonde wig is like the most killer movie. You could do there. And they're like, they're like the funniest guy.

They're at like three stooges levels. They're like, dude, you crack an egg on your head wearing a blonde dress? And they're like, this guy is revolutionary. Wait till someone starts hitting watermelons with a mallet. Yeah, yeah. Change the game. That's like if you go, if you watch like Chinese comedy TV, it's just people in blackface. That's like the funniest thing in China is they're like, you can duck and do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, dude, if you did like your best set with a wig on and like a white dress on, that would be killer, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do like a do not tell like that? Yeah. Like your jokes are solid. So they're like, this is, dude, this is good shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's got something to offer.

Yeah. Dude, I was dealing with. I had the fucking most annoying heckler shit last night where this guy, you ever have somebody heckle you? And then they immediately back up and you can't like, the guy was like,

I'm doing a bit, he goes, boo. And I was like, you booed me? And then you just stop talking. And I was like, okay,

what do you do for work? And he's like, just go back to the jokes. And I'm like, motherfucker. Like, it was the most frustrating. And now it's just in my head forever.

Like, I was like wiping my ass angry last night. You know what I mean? With like everything in your life, right that fucking piece of shit. Hackler. And he probably just left to he's like, that was the greatest comedy show ever.

I fucking told that guy he sucks. Yeah. When someone does, when so, like a heckler just ruins my rhythm and ruins a set, I'm like, it never leaves me.

I'm like, I feel like you just had sex with my girlfriend. And it's like, dude, then try to get back in the rhythm of things. You're like, so anyway,

and you're like, oh, Jesus, it's so hard to keep that, like, momentum. Yeah, dude, they're probably at home, though,

like, feeling so guilty, especially the next day, man. There's no way. Dude, I had a heckler follow me like today. like from that restaurant show

Oh yeah It was like a woman She was she was like pregnant dude And I think I was doing so bad That they just started laughing at like the way I look Which is like super Like that's worse than bombing Like people are just like this guy is retarded

Yeah yeah yeah And they just like started laughing at me And like today like I just got to follow And it was like that woman who was laughing at me So I was like maybe she feels bad Like maybe she woke up the next day And was like shit You know

Just sitting with it for a couple days. She's like, nah, I should throw that retard for a while. Yeah. Yeah.

Get them out of the house a little bit. She just sends me a message. Are you alive? Did you find your way home? Yeah. Were you good? Yeah.

Yeah, that's fucking rough. You guys get heckled a lot or no. Dude, the last... Not so much. Since January of this year, I've been getting it like constantly. Really?

Yeah. January every year in January I get the most heckles. What is it? I think it's... You know what I think it is? thought of this this year. It's like all the people that have like New Year's resolutions

who are like, I want to be a better person. They don't go to comedy shows in January. It's only people that are like, I'm awesome. There's nothing wrong with me. Nothing I want to change. And they should go to shows and you tell a joke they don't like and they're just like, fuck you. Yeah, yeah. They just have, they feel so entitled, you know?

Yeah, yeah. I had a British woman did that to me that night. She goes, you got to stop it with these jokes. I was like, you've got her so silly. I can't get over it. It's so fucking funny that they talk different. Like, I can't... Dude, I ever went to that we were in a movie, we were to go see.

It was like Meet the Fokkers or something like that. Amy, I buddy, I think we're like 12 and we're goofing around in the movie theater. And then there's a British guy comes out and starts yelling at us. And it was just the funniest thing. He's like, you ruin the movie. You think it's funny to make movies ruining it.

You know what? I'll go over to your house and you're lulling going around with the Jimmy's out. And just like saying like, and I'm like, dude, you think that's funny to make movies ruined? Yeah. He's just like, dude, if I, If I ever find out, like, my mom died in a horrible...

I want a British guy to tell me that. He's like, you mom, go out here, car. Dude, anytime I've ever been heckled with someone who has an accent, and they're, like, not from here, I'm like, oh, dude, you can mean, I win now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No matter what you sound like, I'm like, you fuck, you sound stupid. The whole room just loves it. It's so funny, too, the British accent, because it's like, in my mind, it feels like they're doing something that, like, we don't do anymore.

I'm like, why, you can knock that off. Like, I know it's how they speak, but in my mind, I'm like, come on, just grow up a little bit. You guys don't have to keep doing that. It's like, what are you going to wear fucking tights too? It's like, come on, let's move on, guys. Let's just stop doing that voice. But when they do a fucking American accent, it's the funniest thing.

When they're like, oh, dude, I'm Michael Good. Now you stand up there. I'm like, that's so funny because it's kind of me. My brother lives, he lives in the bottom floor of a two-story, like, building. There are only two apartments in this building. And the top floor are all these Irish people. And they just come to his apartment. Anytime people are in my brother's apartment,

they just, the Irish people just come, and they're just, like, loud and annoying and drunk all the time. And they show up, and when they make fun of Americans, the American English they do is all from Scooby-Doo.

Like, we'll be talking and they're like, what are you guys talking about? Jinkies. You sound like a fucking idiot. That's still very funny, though. See, Irish, for me, it doesn't quite get,

I don't know, for me, it's not as funny, but British is like just Scottish is a funny accent Yeah yeah And that's not far I shouldn't tell them that though

They're pretty They're pretty aggressive Yeah yeah They're gonna break up to this And fucking hit his head With a fucking sword They'll pull out like a like a you know Shiv

They'll like knives and shit They don't fuck around dude Yeah Imagine getting stabbed by a guy And a fucking kilt Like the last thing you see As you're bleeding out It's just like

I don't know why I picture The wind blowing it up So you just see kind of his ass A little bit Just running off the distance Somebody beats the fuck out of you with a bagpipe dude.

I'm gonna play you like a fucking bagpipe. Dude, bagpipes are, my friend, like, died and he, like, was not like a war hero,

but he, like, bagpipes at his funeral because they were, like, Irish. And I was like, it's kind of weak,

you know what to me? If, it, like, I was crying, obviously, it was a terrible situation, but I'm like, it feels weird

that we're honoring him with, like, bagpipes. Yeah, that happened. My family is pretty Irish. But when my grandfather died, my dad had bagpipes at the funeral.

And it just, it doesn't, sound like, I like bagpike sometimes. It sounds beautiful. But I was like this, I mean, what is he? The head of the Boston PD. Yeah. A little much. I mean, dude, when they, when they play

Amazing Grace though, it's kind of like, it is. Oh, it does rule, but you're like, you're like, it feels like we're on. I feel like Batman just died or something like that. And we're like all standing. Like I think, what is it? Superman dies in one of those movies. And they're like, they're folding like an American flag, like, on this thing. And the whole city is just like. Yeah. You can't shit.

on it, dude. You can't just be like, fuck this. I'm gonna have a, I'm gonna have the drop kick Murphy's at my funeral. Burm, but darned, blah, da, whatever, amazing grace. Yeah, yeah. Uh, that's awesome. I'm fucking, by way, I'm wired right now. I drank it like a nitro cold brew and I started hitting that vape. And there was a while where I was just like, I was just staring at you talking about wings. And my vision was almost like blurred from

the stimulation I had. Yeah. So I'm pretty zapped. Yeah. Yeah. With that being say, you guys, I was going to wrap up. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Uh, what do you guys? Uh, I hate to fucking do this. Actually, I'm not going to do it. I was going to justify something I said on a different episode, but I'm just, I'm going to let go. Who's listening that? No, nobody.

I was making... Who listens to any of these being like, I hope he addresses what he said in the past episode? It was some dumb shit about how, like, I was making fun of white dudes that talk about it. You ever just say the wrong thing? I was making fun of white dudes that act like black dudes, and it sounded like I was saying black dudes

that act like white dudes. So it was very confusing because then I was doing a white guy thinking he's black accent. It sounded like I was doing a black guy thinking it's what happened. This is a waste of time. I'm going to fucking kill myself. All right. Yeah. He regrets it. No, I just wish I clarified.

Give like a very formal right a letter, dude. I'm sorry that I said, I was meant to make fun of white guys think they're black. I would make fun of black guys think they're white, but I'd do a different voice. Okay. Yeah, I accept your apology, man. I forgive you, man.

I appreciate it. All right. Where do they follow you? Oh, it's Jake Timothy. Yeah? On Instagram. That's it. Okay. Yeah, did follow the Johnny Slombi podcast.

Yeah, that was a blast. What was the YouTube for it? Just the Johnny Slommy podcast. All right, sweet. Thank you. All right.