Morning Good - Viva La Bam - Episode 195

Episode Date: November 12, 2023

Paddy Defino and Ryan O'Toole join the show for today's episode. They talk about the Savannah Bananas, which fake accents are offensive or always funny, and the downfall of Bam Margera. Thanks to Paddy and Ryan for coming back on the show. You can check them out on a ton of previous episodes, and make sure to follow them and click their links below for more. Ryan is on Instagram @itsryanotoole and hosts his own podcast, The Ryan O'Toole Podcast. Paddy is on Instagram as well @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. Very good.

Oh, I love that. Yeah, by way, shout out to Tim's Bray. Welcome to Morning. Yeah. We're here with Patty Defino. Welcome to the show. In Rhino Tool. In Rhino Tool.

Pussy finger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You ever watch Summer. No, what was it? You've watched that show Summer Heights High? Fuck yeah, dude. Dude, Chris Lilly, he had this one show where he did like a similar thing. What was it called?

I forgot what it was called. But it was someone where he plays like 10 different characters. He plays this one like guy. He's like, yeah, he's tattoo him thinking about it. And it's just stars all over his face. He's just like an angsty teenager. Yeah. He goes, yeah, it's called pussy fingers.

I invented that. Yeah. I actually invented this. Yeah. Is it a British show? Or I think he's from New Zealand. Australia. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Dude, there's one, the last he just did, like, full blackface. He was this guy named Smouse, who was just a rapper, just like the most offensive black face. That shows, that shows,

Samahe Thai was so fucking good, dude. Oh, Mr. G, like the gay, he's like the gay music teacher. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, the head music teacher gets, like, dies. And then he goes into his office

the next day, just wipes everything off the table and starts putting his shit up. Do you guys have a gay music teacher? Everybody had a gay music teacher, I feel. We had a gay teacher of the theater. I forget his name.

I almost would have just said his name. Yeah, you can't say his day, man. I can't even remember it. Yeah, yeah. But, like, he was like... Jasper. Everyone was like, he's not gay. Like, all, like, the female students because they wanted to fuck him.

Yeah, yeah. He's not gay. But, like, he had, like, a single earring and, like, he did, like, a musical and stuff. What an easy way, by the way? Not that we're rounded him up, but an easy way to identify the gays. It's like an earring.

You know what I mean? It's like... Yeah, it was a simple time. Two of that are the cock in their ass. Yeah. That gives it away. That gives it away. That's a clear giveaway.

Yeah. But it is also easy. I guess it's, I'm like, it is still easy to tell if somebody's gay. Yeah, well, some of them are hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it took me a long time to realize you were gay. Yeah, it took me a long time, too.

Found out right before his podcast, I came out as gay. You guys have no idea about me, you know? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I have a lot of women over to this apart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone knows sex with a woman is very quiet. Sex with a man is what's ringing down the hall is. It would be really funny for somebody to, like,

have sex with the dude and be like, can you, can you make a woman noises though so nobody thinks I'm gay like, oh yeah, yeah. It's not far off. Yeah, shove it in my I mean, peat in it, pussy. So what do you drink in there? All right, so I, it took very little

to convince me. He's, Ryan's like, you want a glass of whiskey and meat? I was like, yeah, I mean, it's like, I was just offering drinks. I was, I was like, you want water, whatever the fuck, and then I offered booze. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always think it's going to improve the episode, but I'll probably just trail up at some point. Yeah, I wasn't forcing anything. No, and I'm the only one drinking whiskey right now.

You pulled like a mood. It's 3.30. But it's Saturday. You're right. Football's on the TV. I don't even watch for a ball. Like, it's football season. Marathons tomorrow. It's all right.

Don't worry about it. You pulled what the dad pulls in like an apple bees where he's like, I'd like to hear the list of draft beer please. Yeah. And then they start going through and they get to like, like, Aligash, white. And he's like, I'll have an aleck. Yeah. I'll have a whiskey.

Yeah. I like, dude, I, I, I, I, miss day drinking so much. That was the best time. Well, I'm not having spots tonight, so I'm like, and I'll have one drink, and then I'm like, oh, I could, I could do a show after one drink. I'm still going to hang out, try to get on something.

If I didn't have comedy tonight, I would be joining you right now. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I really miss that. I miss, like, just getting fucking hammered. Someone has to drive, like, to go somewhere. But not you. But not you. You're just in the back drinking in the car with the sun out.

There's like kids getting picked up from school. Almost two years. Wow. That's pretty good. I saw one of the last. Drunks. You were just at the, I remember I saw you at the comedy shop just like drinking by yourself once I was like, I hope Patty's gonna be okay.

You're like, yeah, man, I don't know, I just like getting drunk. Oh, really? That's what I said. I don't even remember that when that was. Probably because you were a degenerate alcoholic. Yeah, probably. I don't like even think of myself as that way. I was going to say, weird.

Where do you rank yourself on drinking problem like one to 10? It's probably like a six or seven. Yeah. It's not a 10. Like I didn't like, I didn't like, yeah, yeah. I didn't like crave the bottle in the more. morning or anything like that. But it would just be like every night I'd have at least a beer.

And then that would turn into like four. You'd have the weekend. Every single day. Every single day. And then the weekend it was like if I would be like stumbling and in the park doing cocaine from the sky. Yeah. Yeah.

It would always turn into cocaine and cigarettes. Was it hard to stop? No. Because I was just super depressed. I was just like walking around like in the general direction of bridges. being like, is just gonna... Are you gonna do it?

Yeah, but then I'm like, you don't actually, they were waiting for the train every day, you're like, you're like, one second before. See, I'm so,

I'm so like, it's so funny, because I've like, hated myself and hated my life, but I've never thought about killing. Like, I, like, thought about it's crazy.

Everybody sees, like, you're on like a mountain, you're like, what if I jump off? But I've never actually planned to, for me, it's like, I'm so scared of what's on the other side that I'm like,

there's no way. Because, like, What if it's just marginally worse? Like, I've always thought of it. What if, like, the other side is just his life, but then once a week a guy in roller skates hit you in the balls? And it's like exactly the same. You're like, I kill myself for this, which is like slightly worse. Yeah.

Or you could get raped by demons, you know? Well, I smoked DMT. Yes, you went on the other side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it is beautiful. And I just, after smoking DMT, I'm like, there's no doubt that there's an afterlife and a god and however long that lasts or whatever. Yeah, because people say, you said if that feels more real than it. Yeah, it was the most

beautiful, prolific thing I've ever experienced. Wait, prolific. I thought prolific means like a large library. Like, you see a musician's prolific. You're like, oh, he has lots of music. Profound. Oh, profound.

Sorry, I thought I was stepping on your car. I think you could still use the word prolific, though, couldn't you? Not for that. Yeah, there's a large library of pussy in the app. Nothing like putting your pussy on TV, by the way. Dewey decimal. behind you, I think.

Okay. On the table. It doesn't matter which one just have power. All right. There we go. It doesn't matter. Multiple television.

He hits when your bed just flies up. Can I not talk about your address, but talk about the weird number in your address if I don't give it away? Yeah. But before you say this, just know if anyone tries trespassing in my house, uh, I am armed. So not with a golf club either. Can I put a gun on the podcast? Yeah, for sure. All right.

Well, I don't want to mess up the lights, but. Dude, bring your gun out of the podcast. How big is it? Yeah. But, yeah. But, but, yeah. But, but, but, yeah. go ahead. What were you talking about?

He has a half in his address. And I thought he was fucking with me. He goes, I live in so-and-so half. Yeah. That's like, I'm going to make up a different one like, uh, 9.05 half-half 21st Street. And I was like, okay, what's 905 and a half? And then I fucking show up and there's half. It's like a Harry Potter thing. Yeah, it's like where you buy weed in college. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a half house. I think there's a lot of halves in like England and shit like that, you know. I've never one seen it in New York. Yeah. No, I have. I've seen him. I've seen I know someone else who lives in a fractioned house.

It's like one third, honestly. Yeah. Boston is a couple, too. I thought it was going to be like half. Like you're going to go in like sideways. Like, you know what I mean? Like I thought it was going to be like a thin hallway. I think it's because it was probably part of either this building or that building, I would imagine.

Oh. And all these buildings all the way to the corner to like down are all connected. Like there's no break in the building. So like, I would imagine that this was probably part of that building or that building. And then it's sold. off. Okay. It felt like a Harry Potter thing where I would run through the brick wall. Is that the Harry Potter thing? It's like... Black one and three quarters?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's like because there's two businesses, there's two businesses next to it. They're like the butt cheeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Squeeze people out of them. I like to think of them as the legs and I'm walking up the pussy of the house.

Just an upstairs. But yeah, this is my home. You know? Yeah, this is sweet, dude. I really like... I don't know how long. They raised my rent by like a lot of money. Dude, that's the part that sucks, Dick. My rent in my last place that I split up with my ex-in, it's, they raised it by $30. I was like, God, damn it.

That's like the best scenario. Now just some strangers going to end up living there, so. Yeah, I'm not going to, I'm not leaving easy. I'm going to put it that way. I'm not going out of a fight. I don't think it's right that how much money they raised my rent by. Oh, it's wild. No.

Also, I've tried to fight that shit. I think it should do. What they should just do is make it colder. Like instead of. Do you know, I'm not going to lie. Well, they do that. kick out people that have record. Listen, listen.

The other day, I'm not even going to lie. I was like, because I'm like, what the fuck? I paid my rent, did all my shit. And I didn't have cold water here for like three days. Like literally like three days, dude. Wow. I don't know if it was intense. I mean, it just happens sometimes, you know.

Sometimes it happens a lot. I don't care. The only reason I want to have warm water is to wash my dishes. I'll take a fucking cold shower. I don't give a fuck about that. But I was like, oh, this is weird. Yeah. Dude, that's the shit I hate.

I've been living with Jake and Eli and they like occasionally just won't have heat. So I'm just sleeping in like full hoodies. I would say I was jerking off the other day like a predator. Like I literally was like, bro. That house in the summertime feels like Iraq too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is hot in there, dude. Yeah, there's no middle ground there. It's like, bro, every time I walk in there, I'm like, dude, it is Africa in here right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just no good New York City apartment. You got a rich. You know what it's crazy? Also about Africa?

Kind of unrelated. Who gives a shit? They, you know how every society's hell is, like, burning? Their hell is cold. Yeah, yeah. Because that's not scary to that. Something being hot. They're like, oh, yeah, no, I can't imagine a hell

where everything is cold. Yeah, yeah. Really? Is that true? Yeah, the afterlife for some African tribe. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. We were joking about the other day, it's like, imagine a world where your mangoes are frozen

and you can't eat them. And there's no blender to break them down. Yeah. You cannot consume your mangoes. Yeah. That's tough. That is tough. I'd still probably, they probably have more space

in a fucking hut in the savannah or safar, whatever, Savannah desert. What desert? I don't know where this is. Savannah. Savannah's in Georgia. They show up to Savannah, Georgia, like a safari outfit. Just in like a straw hut.

Savannah, Georgia? Yeah. Yeah. It's one of those old town places where, like, you go on a ghost tour. And, yeah, that was okay. This kid I used to play baseball with in high school is now the announcer for the Savannah bananas. Have you ever seen that?

Yeah, that's cool. Have you ever seen that team, dude? They do like flips and shit when they're catching fly balls. They always have, like, random old play. from the 2000s and shit. Yeah. I like that. That's better than taking themselves seriously in the gym room, like the locker room and the coach is giving a serious

speech. He's like, they will remember the Savannah bananas. Yeah, yeah. How could she be like, we just have giant cowboy hats on. They're like, yeah, yeah. We got demolished by the Savannah Depan. They wear like cut off jerseys. Like Kevin Euclis had a plate appearance. Yeah, yeah. It's always like cool old players

and like celebrities. Dude, I bet you get a lot of like local puss doing that. Just being like on the savannah bananas. But you're just the fun guy. Well, now it's like popular. Bro, they play in Femway Park next year. Oh, shit. Okay.

So it's like the Harlem Globetrotters like baseball? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. But they're like new. So it's like people really like it. It's exciting. Yeah.

Dude, somebody asked me that question the other day. They had a serious face. They're like, so do you ever see the Harlem globe trotters in Harlem? I'm like, what? They have them. They're just going around playing basketball. They're trotting the globe. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just walking around. Like, hey, what's it? Like, everyone knows who they are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they have a lot of money. I don't think they're hanging out in Harlem.

Dude, I used to idolize them. So I thought they were so much better. Do they have a lot of money in the Harlem Globetrotters? I doubt it. There's no way. They were on Scoot. In my mind, I'm like, they were on Scooby-Doo. They were animated.

They have to have lots of money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the new one. They definitely fuck them. I mean, I'm sure they're not struggling. But, like, I don't think they're like, you know, I don't think they're just like, oh yeah, my rent goes up by $1,400.400. Yeah.

And they'd play against the generals, which was like an all-white basketball team. They'd win by like 70. But the irony... The irony is that like, I bet every single person on the generals knew how to negotiate a contract better than...

Oh, yeah. I love Globetrotters. The Globetrotters were just like, yeah, what? Do I get to flip it over my shoulder from half-court? Yeah, the Globetrotters are cool. I went... My grandmother brought me when I was a kid

And I remember after, it was at the Boston Garden. And she fucking got me a laser pointer on the street afterwards. And I just raised hell with this fucking thing, dude. She got me a laser pointer. And I remember they used to have like the shapes. Like you'd put the cap on and like it would look like a spaceship or something. Oh, laser pointer? Yeah.

This is a razor pointer. No, a laser pointer. Yeah. She got me that. And I remember being on the train, going home, we're on the train. And I'm like, oh, this is cool. And then I remember going to my house and just putting it in my neighbor's windows. And like, it was the funniest thing in the world to me.

because, like, people, like, looking out and shit, dude, it was fucking awesome. Yeah. Dude, I know somebody in D.C., like, my elementary school took a trip there. And the year before me, the ones that went there... Took a trip where? Did Washington, D.C. and some kid had a laser pointer, and the bus got, like, pulled over by the cops because they thought he was, like, a terrorist. DC sniper, baby, you know?

Dude, that's such a funny thing, dude, to be, like, just go to the airport. I don't think there's any rules against laser pointers, but just be pointing a laser pointer. I feel like now there is. I feel like now there is. Because, like, when I was doing this, this was in, like, 2000. and like I don't think people are freaking out about red dots and shit. Yeah, pre-9-11, dude.

Yeah, now they care a lot of your red dot on your head. That's the one they're scared of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, push that down, by the way. Just the top thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's like given a North Korea, a nuke, it's given a kid one of those.

I always wanted one, but like I was never allowed to have. I also remember this. You remember Helies? Yeah. Dude, you could fly around. I used to go to this, like, a church thing. when I was a kid, where you were, like, get ready for confirmation, and there'd be these classes at night, and every night there was this one class where everybody in the class

had Helies, except me. So, because my parents wouldn't buy me that. They're like, no, these are so expensive. You're never going to wheel your way. You're telling me, you got wheels on your feet. You're going to wheel your way right into a man's ass. Yeah. But I didn't have them, so I just had these shoes that were really slippery.

just like, just falling all over the place. Slide around. I put motor oil on the bottom of my feet. Were a haley's expensive? Yeah, they were like 90 bucks. Really? Like the day where shoes were like 30. I never even wanted a pair.

I remember like my thing was me and my brother. So skateboarding shoes were cool at the time. I had the BAM audios, which were fucking sick. It was a Pem, Magiera? Yeah, it was a pentagram with a heart. So it was like a heart and then like the top of a pentagram instead of being pointed. And I remember my friend got him too and he was like, but there's a lot of chicks looking at me now.

I got these cool fan-mart chair sneakers. But then my brother was like, my brother, like, was at the store. And because healy's were thick, he's like, oh, these are basically skateboard shoes. Yeah. And he'd wear them, and then he'd take the wheels out and then try to, like, skateboard with them on. Yeah, no, they're like steel-toe Timberlins. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, they're not skateboarding shoes?

No, no, because they have to have all this, like, support. I don't even remember what they look like. They barely, they look like vans with, like a big, thick platform on the bottom. but yeah and then the thing it didn't like easily remove you know you had to like get a tool carve it out it was like taking an eyeball out of you have them michael good no no no no i was like uh i i i was into skateboarding culture but i was terrible at skateboarding i was like dude i'm gonna listen to like some pop punk i'm gonna watch vivila bam i'm gonna do all this stuff but then just be terrible at skateboard i was never into that shit and looking back i i like wish

i knew how to skateboard yeah yeah like now i because i've skated like i skated like i skated a couple years ago, like, just, I can't do tricks, but I could go around on the board and shit. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, this is so fun. I wish I did this when I was a kid. Oh, yeah, but it's also, like, now falling as an adult hurts so bad. I felt on a skateboard recently. I was like, I am too fat for this. Like, it fucking hurts

really bad. But it is crazy, too, to see, like, like, Bamargeria's just like a fat drunk. But is he still alive? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, barely. Didn't he, didn't something happen like, very recently with him? Dude, it's every other week. My favorite thing he did is he did. I thought he died.

his whole family's like trying to get him help and stuff like that. He shot a rap disc video against them which is my buddy's like that is the funniest response to an intervention. Be like, y'all are fucking hating ass bitches. That's why you don't like me. And he is fucked up, right? Yeah. Dude, so much drugs.

So I guess he like threatened his brother and her wife or something. I will say this. It is so funny because all the news articles are like he went to Casa La Bam. He was last seen at Casa La Bam shoot like claiming to shoot his brother and his wife and then running into the forest.

Yeah, yeah. His dad was like a pedophile or something, right? Uncle Vito, look, look, R-I-P. But rest in pedophile. Yeah, he had child porn, right? I don't know if it was child porn, but he grabbed, like, he grabbed, like, 15-year-old girl's ass. It was like, yeah, that's not a surprising guy.

That's just called being a white dad. Yeah. That was the guy that used to, like, wake up in the middle of the night on the show, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd, like, light off fireworks in his bedroom. It's, like, shock syndrome to his nervous every time just waking up in the middle He probably turned him into a pedophile. I was scaring him.

Well, he was just, the guy was literally a monster. He was just like, ah, blah, blah, blah. Like, he was just a blob of human who had, like, no chin. And he's like, I'm going to go beat the shit out of Vito and shove a dildo up his ass. Yeah. So what happened? He, uh, he threatened his, like, whatever brother. I don't remember who it was and their wife.

His brother, who's like the drummer for, um, uh, what's that band? C.K. Y. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And then he fled into the woods and they found him and checked him into rehab. And then the... Do you live in the woods?

I think he was just like... Yeah, this is running from the caps and living in the woods. He's just like in a suburban backyard. Dude, I love a POV him doing jackass. Just him and his drug addict stuff. He's like, I'm going to snort some fucking crystal man. And then he got checked...

He got checked into rehab. And then a week later, he checked himself out. And the headline was Bamargera checked himself out saying that he's like totally fine. He was last seen entering long. Vegas. Dude, probably, he looks so sick and retarded at the same time.

He's, like, fat now, too, right? He's fat, he's got a grill and a fur coat. He's like, he's like, on the fringe of pimp and emo, it's the funniest look, and he just looks like a fucking idiot. I always thought he was annoying. I watched that show, like, time and time again, and people loved, yeah, I felt like everyone did.

He just got one of those beanies with the brim on it. You know what I'm talking about? It's like a beanie, but it's got a little half-brim turn to the side. He could have, like, et nays. I thought he was, a chain wallet. I was like, I was like, I got. Yeah, I fucking doesn't care about anything. He's a bitch to his mom.

That was the coolest part being like a 13, be like, that guy's so mean to his mom. Yeah. Every high school, too, had like a substitute teacher that just was Bam Margarra. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's one guy who got let in. Our guy was Mr. Candillis, and he was like a skateboarder, and he was so high, like, all the time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, we were young, but we still knew he was high, too. So that was, like, the best because you'd all just, like, he'd just ask him questions that have no answers to him. They're like, where do I start when I'm drawing a circle and he's like oh well we're all just shitting our pants it's true because like you see it like that's one of the beautiful

things of comedy and like being an adult is you meet more people that have real jobs and like you'll meet someone who's a fucking substitute teacher at like an open mic and you're like I can't believe this person's in charge of children like oh it's wild that's been I feel like there's been multiple substitute teachers I've met and I'm like I this is crazy you're a yeah Joe Senron Rock. Do you imagine being in his fucking... He was a sub... He was saying all a time. I used to call him all the

time. I was like, dude, I'm like, the fact you're in charge of kids is fucking insane. You're a sicko. It's so wild, too. And then you were always taught as a kid, you're like, respect adults. I'm like, even as a kid, I was like, I don't respect any of these people. They're losers. Degenerate. I had... It was my friend, one of my good

friends in high school, his older brother was like 25. And we were, like, 17 at the time. And we would potty at his house on, like, weeknights. All the time we would, but one time we would getting drunk on like a Wednesday. And we stayed up to like three in the morning and like I remember. But some of his friends were there. Like they're like seven or eight years old and this time. And doing fucking Coke, doing everything.

I go into school the next day, dude. First period, I'll never forget. It was like this photography class. And one of the guys that I was getting drunk with, I wasn't doing coke. But he was out of his mind on cocaine was the substitute teacher. I had no idea he was a teacher. I was like, dude, are you serious? He's like, don't say anything.

like I'm like bro I can smell booze coming out of your like skin right now dude clearly didn't sleep dude like I was like all coked out at like 8 in the morning I'm like your hair all day like it's so crazy operating a camera that's when you they wheel out like the Bill and I the Science Guy video yeah oh we did nothing I remember sitting there the entire day in class and we were just like talking about the Celtics like you know and this guy's just like

coming down off of drugs yeah you'd have some cool ones though that like I'm a ride one where I just watched Family Guy in the back of the class on my headphones, just on Netflix on my phone. And then the whole class would be like talking about something. I just go, ha ha ha ha ha. In the back. That was the best, like, I always thought the funniest parts of school was like when you weren't supposed to laugh when something funny happened. Because it makes everything a thousand times funnier.

Oh, so much funnier. Yeah. Do you guys remember, like, the big laughs you got when you're in high school? Yeah. I did like a serious Spanish presentation. We had this. We had the teacher her name. was that she looked like Dora the Explorer

and the first day she went in Mrs. Kami something and I remember the first day she'd like A lot of people think that Mexico is just cactus and donkey but it's a real city they have real cities there

and she's just like adorable like that's teaching about El Chapo Yeah, yeah Montezuda's curse She accidentally It's like a button on the projector Just shows like people be headed Like that's different

But it is funny to pretend like Mexico is not just a fucking wasteland. It's like, I get it. That's your baseline. They're like, oh, no, we have real cities there. I'm like, I'm sure they have real cities. But outside of those cities, there's kids getting their limbs cut off. Maybe not that. But there's a lot of crazy shit.

Yeah. But anyways, my big laugh was I did like a presentation. They're like, what do you want to be when you grew up? And I was like, oh, I'm going to go all in and do the most intense presentation about me wanting to be an astronaut. So I'm like going down the aisles. I'm like, how old were you? I was like 17. I was like,

Un Astronauta. Because every other kid's being like a pussy and they're like, E. Esce, I, uh, a doctor. And I'm just like, get in the aisle.

I'm like, Space. Just go, I fucking murdered. Because everyone's laughing. I was looking for a Buzz Light your outfit the day before. And I'm like, dude,

if I came in, I was thinking about getting a fog machine and just like, because I knew everybody's going to nervously do a presentation. I'm like, dude, if I just fucking go all in. You should have dressed up as that,

you know, that his, like Spanish B in the TV show. Yeah. Like a fish. bowl over your head. I'm sorry boss light here. We're gonnae

son boss light here. I remember my Who were those three guys? Real quick, I hate to cut you off. We were in Texas and on the wall there was a painted mural of these like three Mexican guys

which is like their three stooges. Yeah, yeah. It was like, Gordo, el stinky. I'm like making it up. But there was like the most goofy looking guys and they were like just painted on the wall. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. They probably had to paint it themselves. But, yeah, me and my friend used to get big laughs in our Spanish class because our teacher had like a knee surgery. And her name was Signora Popco. She was always out of breath and would talk like me. And she had this like scooter attachment for her legs. So when she walked around, she would take a step and then like scoot it. So she was not very mobile. but we would leave the class

to go to the bathroom and we'd come back and we'd get to the door and we'd just grab the handle and like just hold it like it's locked and we'd like knock on the door and she'd be like, the door is open. And we're like, no, it's not. And she would hug and just start

like slowly making her way across the entire room and like right as her hands about to touch it, we would just open the door. That's going to be. come back and get you in 50 years, dude. It's going to come back and get you, dude. She's like, oh, okay, sit down.

I remember I got, I almost got a referral in that class because it was Halloween. What's a referral? It's like a wrap. Yeah, it's like a right, like you have to go to the dean and stuff. It was, uh, April Fool's Day. And this was right after the, uh, HPV vaccine was like just hitting. So like, all of, I push that on everybody.

They're like, are you sexually active? I'm like, fuck yeah, I am. I'm not taking your fucking, I was an antivaxia. Just because I was scared of needles I was like, it's a kind of poison you're going to put in my body. I was like, don't prick me. It's going to hurt.

But it was really big for young women because it's more dangerous for women. So all of these young women were getting this vaccine and then they would have seizures in class. Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, we had like six or seven different girls who would have seizures and one of them was like real bad.

It would happen like all the time. And so I was April Fool's and I told everyone in the class. I'm like, when the clock strikes 12, we're all going to drop onto the ground and have a seizure at the same time. Like, there's no way. And everyone's like, oh, my God, that's so funny. Like, blah, blah, blah.

So, like, the clock is ticking and it's getting closer. And I'm, like, looking around. I'm, like, so excited. And everyone's, like, kind of looking at me. And, like, you know, when you see, like, the bulge in their neck, like, from, like, gulping? Like, they're all, like, getting nervous. So it hits, and I just fucking drop onto the ground.

And I'm just, like, spas it out. And I just hear, Patty, what don't you do? And I look around, nobody else dropped. It was just me. So I just got up and she's like, go to the dean's office. And I was like, I didn't know what to say. So I was just like,

no. And she's like, all right, well, you better knock it off. She just totally like, allowed me to knock out. Just roll on the ground. Yeah, pretend you have a seizure. Yeah, that was a tough one. I wanted to do that during the COVID vaccine because there was that place where you all sat in an area. Like, you're all sitting in one area to make sure

there's no side effects. Yeah. Which is so funny for them being like, they're like, it's very safe, but just wait here for 10 minutes. Yeah, yeah. And I so badly wanted to just roll in the ground,

start foaming from the mouth just to fuck with people. Like, how freaked out would you be with the guy next to you? Just like, yeah, pretty freaked out. Especially since I got the Johnson and Johnson. They stuck like three doctors on me after.

Yeah. They like just circled around me. I'm like, has everyone else got Pfizer? Yeah, or some shit. Dude, they even asked me,

like, I was like, I'll go Johnson and Johnson. They're like, are you sure? It's like, yeah, I don't want to fucking come back. I didn't want to come back for a second one. I got $100 to get it. Now I have to wear these stockings every day for the rest of the line. Yeah, your legs are fucked up.

Yeah. You think that's why it is? I'm almost positive. Yeah. There's like a lot of people that have had like blood clots in their leg, like in the same spot. From Johnson and Johnson's? Who've gotten Johnson and Johnson. Yeah.

A lot of young men getting blood clots. Yeah. What about bruds? Dude. You know, nothing ever. happens to women. They got it easy. They get 70% of the blood clots.

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, what about you? Did you do any cool, funny pranks in school? Yeah, I think one of the funniest things I ever did was we had like a homework assignment and it was online and my teacher was a cunt. And he like said

something to me one day in class that I like really didn't like. I forget what it was something like he pretty much called me a low life. And we went back and forth, but like, I couldn't call him a piece of shit because I, like, you know, I would have got suspended. So I'm like, I'll just do it on homework. I don't care. So it was like a message board.

It was like this sports journalism class where, like, we, like, reviewed sports articles. And so I wrote, I went on the board and I, like, wrote my name as like a fake name and just fucking started killing this guy. And then my buddy, two of my buddies started going in and, like, writing as other people, like, with their names covered up. and then, like, writing as other students in the class, then, like, writing as the teacher. Like, one of my buddies wrote his name as Mr. Harris

and, like, was criticizing this kid who got drunk and fucked up a football game, which, like, we all knew happened. He's like, yeah, maybe if you weren't so fucking shit-faced all the time. Would you just as the teacher? Yeah, he would, like, sign into the, you would sign into the homework and you would, like, put, it would say username, but you could just type any username,

but you were supposed to put, like, fucking Ryan O'Toole or whatever. And my buddy wrote Mr. Harris, and then wrote, like, he wrote on this kid, like, you're always drunk. That's why you drop three passes last week. Like, just, bro, and it was hilarious. We did it on a Thursday, so we knew we would just have to go to through one more day. Yeah, yeah. And then it's a clean.

Bro, we go to school the next day. I'll never forget it. It was sixth period. It was the second to last period of the day, right? We're looking forward to it the entire day. We're like, dude, we got to go into Harris's class. And we wrote wild shit. Like, bro, like, my buddy.

bro, one of my buddies took it way over the top. Talking about wanting to bang girls. Just like set it into a place where it was like just over the top. Bro, we go into class. The teacher's not in there for the first like two, three minutes.

And everyone knows what happens because everyone saw the home. Like you see the comments, right? He fucking, he called one girl like fire crotch because she had read out. But he did it under the teacher's name. We did it under the teacher's name, right?

Dude, we fucking, We go into this class He's not there for the first two, three minutes This guy comes into class He was like a small guy Like the Napoleon thing He's a nerd You know what I mean

But he was a cunt The guy was the worst dude He comes in he slams the door Dude He fucking goes off dude He tried getting everyone to snitch on each other And uh Well there's 25 kids in the class

But every kid should be like I'm not comfortable in his class He weren't Bro kids weren't kids were like freaking out This guy went like over the top Well because some people probably Did everybody know it wasn't him? Oh, yeah!

Dude, of course, dude, of course. And, like, the whole entire school knew about it. And also, like, it was me, my buddy, me and my two friends, we never told anyone else. But one of my other very good friends was in the class. And he knew, like, when he saw it, I remember him calling me that night. He's like, I know you guys did this. And we didn't, he wasn't going to snitch. Everyone in the class knew we did it.

You know what I mean? Because all nerds and shit. We sat through this class, bro, for, I don't know. know, 45 minutes, how long classes were in high school, just trying not to laugh the entire. The entire time, he was like, I'm going to track the IP address. If I have to get the federal government involved. Dude, I love they always pulls himself like, dad. They're like, you're going to be arrested for this.

Like, this isn't a crime. It wasn't even illegal. Dude, the next, so after the class, I told, I told my buddy who did it with me. I was like, yo, meet me in this specific bathroom. We split up after class, dude. I went in the bathroom and I cried laughing and pissing my pants for like 20 minutes straight, dude. Like, I go, I can't go to class right. Dude, I was my, dude,

it's like the shower scene when he's in the shower hearing about on the radio and good fellas. We're just like, pulled it off. Dude, it was, we were laughing. I remember pissing. I remember I was in the bathroom and I was laughing so hot. I was starting to literally piss my pants and I was like,

going to the urinal to like pull my pants down. And I'm just laughing and pissing like, nonstop, dude. And I showed up to class. The next class was my English class like 20 minutes late. My teacher's like, what happened? And I was like, I pulled them outside. I was like, dude, I had to take a nasty shit, dude.

Like, I'm sorry. Like, you know, and it was awesome. Went back to school on Monday. And, like, they shut the thing down. And I remember he's like, I know who it is. He could improve it. You know what I mean? And he knew it was us.

And I saw that guy. I saw that teacher at a bar. Like, I don't know, five years after I graduated. Called the waitress Firecrouch. He wasn't far off. Dude, yeah, dude. Yeah. He's been a huge.

He's some wings. behave it. The thing was, so I saw him a couple years, like, after I got out of high school, and I don't think he, he probably remembered me from that, because I didn't have him for any other classes. And I remember him just looking at me, and I was like, I got you. I got you. Just start putting drinks on his

tab. The funniest part, though, he was cool in the sense, we wrote his other students' names, and he was, the ones where they were criticizing the kid about getting drunk and fucking up the football game, he's like, I'm not going to lie, like, that was pretty fine. You know, he's like, pretty much saying, he's like, I can't say it, because, like, my buddy's way. I just said, I went on there and just wrote, fuck you.

I wrote, I like put like a blank name in. I think I put it under Anonymous and I was like, fuck you, Mr. Harris, you're a dick. Like I was just a pissed off 16 year old. But my buddies, one of my friends took it to the next. Just commenting on people's other comments on the homework, calling them retards and shit. It was like, dude, it was so funny, dude. It was the longest day of school because the anticipation was just like, we're like, dude, we got to go to this class at like, I don't know, 1230, 1 o'clock or whatever.

of, like, the anticipation was, like, so strong, dude. It was, oh, man, it was great. Dude, there's always those kids in high school who just, like, you have the, like, idea for a joke or a bit or something, and they just take it and run it. Oh, dude, creativity level is, like, insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you meet some of these people now, they're like, yeah, I know, I'm really, I'm just a doctor. I'm like, what happened?

You were somebody. I had a friend who, uh, you were a genius prankster. I had a friend who started a rumor about this girl that she had two buttholes. and he like bought a t-shirt for her that said I have two buttholes on it and the rumor spread like towns over were like asking people about it the doctors are coming for like

here there's a woman who has a two buttholes we're going to study this yeah there's like a presentation in the auditorium you can't be mean to people just because of the amount of buttholes they would always do that two bottles to give a speech

to make her up here it's like some people just got two of them he's just like waddling it and she's like she's actually like getting married

to one of my best friends now yeah well good for him he's got two places to put it exactly three places four places

do I hear five yeah well that was the funny thing is like rumors like that were hilarious there's some chick who's really hot

at the time you know we're all 15 and 15 hot yeah yeah I'm not gonna get into I'm not gonna justify

any of this I'm just to could say she was attractive girl our age. And there's a rumor that she was like a hermaphro night, so she had a penis. And I remember like weighing it out of my head. I'm like, hmm. I'm like, hmm, I could risk her, I could risk

hook it up with the hottest girl in school or I could risk cook it up with somebody with a penis. Which was called the dude back then. But times have changed. That's always a rumor, I feel. You went on to make that mistake. Yeah, yeah. It went on to fucking girl who Dude, that was the funniest.

I don't want to talk too much about my dating life, but I went on the funniest one recently where I was talking to this girl, and somehow it came up that I banged the trans woman. I can't make it fucking five minutes though talking to how I banged trans woman by accident. It comes up so much. And when I was about a last relationship,

it's never not going to be funny. It's always funny. It's always funny. Did she have a vagina? Yeah. You've not heard of my bed. That's just a woman. Yeah.

That's more of a woman. You're almost a pedophile with the youth than that person. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was. Was it pipe? I know with 17. How was, what did it feel like?

Tid his pussy ever had sex with. Did it feel like a pussy though? Yeah. But I was also drunk and using a condom so it's like I could barely fucking feel. Yeah, it feels like a pussy. Did it stink like a pussy? No, it didn't. Was there a clit?

What? Did you eat her out? No, no. I was like, I was just, I was fucking sticking it in. It's like, licking like the lid of a yogurt. Yeah. Oh, wow. Just in a plastic thing.

Dude, I didn't know how to fucking eat pussy. Does it get wet? Well, she was middle-aged. We used lube. I was like, oh, okay, this makes sense. We'll use lube. It was a thousand. I know, but do trans-giginers?

No, no. No. No. No. No. No. And I, like, I always say this. Like, I fucked her ass cheeks, too.

Which is just no operation done on that. Yeah. But, uh, yeah, I was just fucking. But I was talking to this. This came up on a date recently. And this girl's from Cleveland, but she had a thick fucking Philly accent. For some reason, it was like Philly accent. She goes, dude, you fuck the fucking tranny?

She goes, so first of all I'm talking to this girl. She goes, I was like, she's like, yeah, I like comedy. I listen to Stuff Island, which is like the most, look, those guys are funny. But the fact a woman knows that podcast is insane. It's like Shane Gillis's friends podcast. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, yeah, those dudes are funny as shit. And then she said, yeah, yeah, you fucked a train.

She goes, what do you got fucking AIDS or something? Brings it up like five times. She's like, what are you got fucking AIDS? She's wearing overalls in her truck a hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, you probably don't want to fuck because I'm not a fucking dude. Dude, my penis would have fallen off my body. That's so funny.

That's awesome. Dude, I would explore with a fully converted trans module. Yeah, a refurbished. What is very funny, too, because now that I'm on the apps, I'll meet a woman, and I'm scared of it happening again because I'm like, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. I'm gay.

Yeah. But I don't know. Yeah, my mind does kind of go back and forth. I'm like, look, are you gay if you bang a trans girl? I don't think so. I think they're women, but I'm also very biased because I fucked one. So, like, it's part of my bit where I talk about it. I'm like, look.

No, I know, but like, what do people consider you if you bang trans girls? Are you considered gay or is it just banging a girl? I think it's an in-between thing. Because I don't consider them women. I think that's unfair to women. Oh, you're one of these gay guys who's like, who's like, I actually respect women so much. That's why I don't... Yeah, that I'm transphobic.

Yeah, that's such a thing now. It's like, it's like guys in the liberal community are like, no, they are women because they're trying to get liberal pussy. And the guys are the conservative community are like, it's so disrespectful to strong women like J.K. Rowling who have always been a fan of. She's always been a feminist icon to me.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, but that's... I also, I don't say that it's complicated. It's like, it is... The fact that you act like it's not a nuanced subject is hilarious. So people are like... Of course they...

Listen, most people know. Most people know it's a nuanced subject. It's just the people that bitch about it act like it's not. But that's not the majority of people. But anyways, get to your retarded point. I'm just kidding. No, I'm kidding. Like, I think it's something different.

I think it's like neither man nor woman. It's a trans woman. That makes the most sense to me. I'm like, yeah, it's not a biological woman. It's a trans woman. It's just called mental illness. Yeah. Because I do, I do think that most women,

like, if you were to tell them, like, you had sex with a trans woman, even if they identify as, like, totally not transphobic they'd be weirded at it it's like having sex if you're like it's crazy it comes out on almost every first date

I'd go out I'm like I beg the trans woman once I'm like no one's even asking him pretty funny story just running my bed on it something different about that vagina it's on his Tinder bio I had sex with a fucking trans woman yeah but I always get it confused

I don't know if I'm supposed to call call them trans this whole thing is like the biggest the most annoying thing to me with all the trans stuff and gay stuff the last few years, how intense it got was I was like, I just, I don't care. Like, I don't, like, I don't do

what the fuck you want, like, call yourself what you, it doesn't matter to me. Just don't put your penis in my ass. No, it's not even that, but it's like, I'm like, I just can't keep up with the terms and shit. I'm just like, there's just too much, I'm like, I just don't fucking care, dude. I definitely can keep up. I'm just refusing. I mean, what am I supposed to do?

I mean, I could, too, but I'm just like, it's just so much other. shit I'm more interested in. Yeah. You know. The one that gets me is just referring to a person as they. Because it's like, it just, it throws off the entire way I'm trying to speak. Which is really funny because I opened my, my dating preferences to they because I want to fuck

chicks with blue hair. But then a bunch of dudes with nail polish to come on. And people are looking behind my shoulder. I'm like, nah, this is not. I'm not gay. But it's so we do because it really doesn't matter if I was gay, but I'm so afraid of people thinking I'm gay still. But it is, uh, it's like, I do, I do get.

the non-binary thing? Because I'm like, if you have beard and tits, I'm like, I don't know what, that makes sense. You're a day. You're not a dude or a chick. You're somewhere in between. But then obviously there are like the like chicks with armpit hair who I would like to have sex with. And they're like, I'm a they. And I'm like, you know who I feel bad for in this whole

debacle is the freak shows at circuses? Because there's no longer any draw. Yeah, to have any one of their talent. Yeah. That's just a normal person you see walking down second avenue. You get a free. You go to the Pride parade, you're like, oh, the freak shows in town.

What is this? Some Barnum and Bailey bullshit? Good Lord. God damn, get the kids. Dude, we were talking about something being the Pride parade that was really funny. I forgot what it was. God, was I talking to you, but there was something a hilarious idea of something being in the Pride Party.

I totally forgot what it was. I don't know if it was a cuck float or something. There's something weird. Yeah, I always thought asexuals, being at the Pride parade is weird. It makes no sense. That one makes no sense to me at all. Like that's something where it's like people, like,

I just don't understand. If you don't want to have sex with anyone, I don't, like, why. I saw somebody on asexual on the feet. So it feels like the kinky dating app. Why? Somebody had it. Somebody had it. Somebody had it.

Somebody had that they were ace on there. Somebody had that they were ace on there. I'm like, you're on the weird fuck app. Why do you have that you're not sexual on you? That's what they called ACE? I think that's what it. Yeah. Yeah.

So we're gonna use whole. No, no, no, I don't like that one for them, dude. Pop-bye, this is, now we're cooking. The beginning of what we were talking about. I don't understand the thing with asexual things. I don't understand is why. They're called things. No, the thing, like the subject of

calling yourself asexual is, why do you need to tell people that you don't want to fuck any, because that's what it is. You just don't want to have sex with anyone? I think it's so you don't, like, I think it's more of a thing like they don't want to lead anyone on or something. Like, they want to get it out there, so it's like...

That's easy to do. I mean, I shut people down all the time. You're saying I have high standards. Yeah, but I thought asexual is they don't like dudes, girls, or like anything at all. They just don't like sex, I think. But from what I understand is like they still masturbate occasionally. So they're like in-celly kind of people. Yeah, they just masturbate to like a supermarket or something.

I don't know what the fuck that. That is, there is an orientation like that where it's like people that are attracted to like inanimate objects. Dude, there's one. There's a TV show, I remember. It was like a girl who like was attracted to a car. You know what? That's kind of good for everybody. You mean a transformer?

No, like a cop. That's kind of good for everybody. Kind of all women are kind of attracted to cars. Nobody gets hurt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody just like, you fucking bitch smashing the windows. Is that what trailer hitch bitch is about? The trailer hitch is, you know what that is, right?

Someone has sex to the trailer hitch. Yeah. Hey, look, something for everybody. Yeah. There's one sexuality where your sexual attracted to yourself. That's called being a fucking asshole. Yeah. That's what happens.

That's having your head so far up, your fucking ass that you're an asshole. Yeah. I don't know. I had a pretty good set last night. I get where it's coming from. I'm just going to spin this thing around and fuck my own ass, dude. That's where comedy is really funny.

Sometimes I'm like, I really sucks. Sometimes I'm like, no, I'm God. I'm God. I'm the most talented human being to ever walk this planet. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely fluctuate in that regard. But yeah, the pride, I don't know. You know how I feel about pride.

I don't need to... You're really proud. The only thing... I'm all for that shit, dude. You know, and I say at all time. I'm a big fan of the gay community, dude. You know what I mean? I'll say this.

I'm happy the gay community opened everything else up for everybody else. Because now people are like, yeah, sure, spit in my mouth, piss on me. And they're like, and I think part of that is the gay community is like, hey, don't shame people with their sexual preference.

So I'm like, the stuff I'm into, who am I to judge a gay guy? I've been peed on the more, you know? I think shaming's wrong, but I think making fun of is perfectly fine. You know what I? Yeah, I'll make fun of everything. Like, I, like, I have gay friends, and one of my buddies recently told me this duty bang

last week, and I'm like, I, dude, you're such a homo. Obviously, we, you know, there's someone I've been friends with for 15 years, so it's like, but yeah. That's always fun when you do something like that with somebody, you don't know if they're cool. Like I said faggotting in front of a gay friend recently, and I was like, I was like, I was like, oh, right, he laughed. I was like, oh, who, not like Adam, but like something I was just talking about it. I was like, oh, okay.

Yeah. Dude, I got a stern talking to the other night after our late night show at Starbar because there's this girl who's gone to like three things we've done at Starbar. And every time I've done a joke about like someone with Down syndrome. Yeah. And I guess. You're not about to do that, Patty. It's not funny.

And her sister has Down syndrome. Yeah. And she like came up on stage after the show. And she just like was like, you should not make jokes about that. at all. She's like, they can't defend themselves and like blah, blah, blah. You're talking about them. Have you fallen? Yeah. Have you seen them with nun, Chuck?

But you've seen them on the bench, dude? But she was like, and you shouldn't make fun of like black people and stuff. And I'm like, if I'm in a room full of black people, I'm making fun of black people. You have to. What else are you supposed to do? That's like, first of all, they like it. Like, that's what they want. And then she's like, well,

was this room full of like people with special needs? And I was like, fuck, I hope not. And she got so... Was everyone laughing? I was like, yeah, everyone around her was laughing. But, like, dude, I feel like I handled it well because she was kind of just given me... And I'm like, I'm very sorry you were offended and all this.

I'm like, sorry that God doesn't love your family and they gave you one of the fucked up once. I'm like, I don't want to make anyone upset ever. It doesn't feel good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no fucking way. Yeah, it sucks, but like... I get complaints a lot. Yeah.

That's why I stop because my therapist is like, you should hang out after shows to meet chicks. and there's always somebody walking up like, my dad killed himself. I didn't like that joke. And I was like, my friends have killed him. That was, well, this British guy came up and it was like, they were so, there was a drunk, rowdy audience.

They weren't listening to anything. And then, like, I had a suicide joke and they all went, ooh, Kevin. Where are you? And I was like, did Kevin kill himself? And after the show, this is like drunk guy comes up. They were just being disruptive telling him like that. Hey, you did the joke about suicide.

I really didn't like that. And I was like, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, what do I care for you? And I was, he wasn't also the way make it sounds like he was a retarded British quality. He's a-on-a-all-you-law-a-all. You'd go over here, make you retort jokes. Not for me.

Not for my way. That was a character I did in elementary school. It was the retarded British guy where I was just coming back. Hello, how's you going? My name is Nigel. Nice to meet you. King Charles. I'm really happy.

That never made it on Saturday Night Live. Yeah, I did that because you did the thing where you're like, oh, no, I've had friends who've killed myself because it's like a quick, like, no, I'm allowed to do it. Like, she was saying that. I'm like, I have an uncle with Down syndrome. I'm just making up members. I got an aunt who's a bird

People just need to fuck off dude Yeah it's like who get I don't listen to crazy people I don't listen to crazy people on the train That say crazy shit I don't understand why Like I'm not gonna try changing someone I don't know's mind about something

Yeah It's crazy to me where I feel like We've gotten to this point where it's like I feel like maybe it just I started paying attention to some like an adult now But it's like how people like want to change the way you think as far as, like, politics or serious issues, it's like, dude,

fucking, I don't care what, I don't care what anyone thinks. Like, if it doesn't, I don't, I don't care, like, I don't give, so it's like, why do you care what I say? You have a responsibility to change everybody. I love when people think differently. It's so crazy. It's like, wow, you have, like, having sex

with girls from other countries. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, people should be fucking thinking. They can't even think at all. It's illegal. They think of women. Yeah, they think I'm a millionaire, but they think so differently. 100%. What's the crazy thing you've lied about to get...

Have you lied by anything crazy? To get laid? Yeah, yeah. I don't... I'm sure I have, but I can't think of anything right now. When I was younger, I would lie about my age.

And then I would tell girls, like, right before I put my dick inside of them, I'd be like, I'm actually 18 or something like that. No, I don't think I've ever... You're actually a pedophile. And you're a pedophile. You're just a Chris Hanson guy. I'm 15.

I don't think I have. I don't think I've ever lied. You fuck her, then you leave, then you walk in in a suit, and you're like, oh. How are you doing this evening, Jessica, with a camera crew behind you? Did you imagine? Like, you think this girl's like 23 years? She goes, stuck her dick, she goes, and you're a peddle. I'm just scared you.

You're like, fuck. That's pretty awesome. Wouldn't it be funny if, like, we didn't know this about pedophiles, but, like, if they had sex with, like, an of-age woman, they'd just like melt. There's some serious side effect that happens to it. Oh, that'd be great. Did you ever know anyone

who was a pedophile who like became a pedophile? No. Not yet. There's a lot of time. Teachers. There was a teacher of my old school and my middle school and he got in trouble. He was like a swim coach.

He had like a goggles tan on his mugshot. It was just like fucking hilarious. There was a guy I used to work with who I used to work at the Boston Globe like printing the newspaper. And there was a guy I worked with who got arrested at like a rest stop jerking off like in a car.

See that was so unfair. There's certain sex guys. But listen, it got printed in the newspaper. Like the guys we, they all worked together and they were literally printing his mugshot in the article in the newspaper.

Oh my God. Yeah. Also, you working for the boss, I picture you just being like a 1940s paper boy. Get your papers. I went out. The notes stuffed in. If I was born as a,

If I was born, I probably would have done that. We probably all would have at one point if we were born like 100 years ago. Then I would have known some pedophiles. Does anyone? Has anyone got the new photo as a fucking Spider-Man? Yeah. Does it bother you? People do your accent?

No, not really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's another thing. Yeah, no, no. Not really. Not really. Because no one ever does it in like a bad way. Yeah.

You know, for the most part. But it does bother me how people, like, we're going back to how you can't make fun of certain people and stuff and certain accents. It's like, people, I'm not even lying, every single day when I'm out and I meet people I've never met before, which is a lot of doing comedy, people do my accent to me every single time.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, dude, if I was Korean, this would never happen. Yeah, then you'd be like, one Indian guy, and they're like, hey, not cool, okay, those are, those are, come on. And I'm like, they're not doing well in this country. Okay, they're way more Indian people than there are people in Massachusetts. You can't do a Chinese accent I'm like bro you know how many

There's probably more Chinese people in America Than there are People in Massachusetts who talk like me Yeah yeah yeah You know it's like It's also funny too because it's like People it's so funny when it comes to like Especially rednecks people are just like

My brain's full diarrhea And I'll do like this And then people be like okay yeah But you can't do a Mexican voice It makes no sense If people do like people are like look To be fair I did some shows in Chattanooga Recently

Some of those people's brains are literally just diarrhea. And I do look down. There's morons everywhere. Totally, totally. And that is the thing, too, where it's like, I'm sure there's tons of people in Chattanooga that have a thick southern accent.

I have family members and people like that. And it's like, that are smart. They're brilliant, yeah. But it is just really funny that people just feel they're just like, you can just be as offensive. But that's why, like, one thing I get is, I actually really do get, not offended, but I get kind of like, when I see a shitty southern accent.

But to be fair, I also suck at accents. Like, I'm doing a Jamaican accent now. like, oh, it kind of sucks. But it's like, so I understand a little... I understand people being offended just by the lack of quality. Yeah. But people get away more with the lack of quality

with Southern accents with their like, but I don't understand like, and it's like a similar thing. It's like maybe I've just never got a proper explanation on it, but it's like I don't understand exactly why doing certain accents about it. Like, what is bad about doing a Chinese accent? Chinese accents is my favorite one.

You can do a good word. But why, but see, this is the thing. The rest of the episode, just do a Chinese accent. Just do a Chinese accent? People just want to, like, you have a subtle one. Like, like, he's going to pull a trick on somebody. Like, nothing about happening here. People say it's bad.

People say it's bad. And I'm not saying it's not. I'm not saying it's not bad. But I've never got an explanation for why it's bad. So I get, so like the black accent, I get sometimes that some people can do a really bad black accent. And it sounds. It's just dangerous to do a black one. Yeah.

Because at any point, at any point, a police car could show you're shooting. why is it bad? That's what I want to know. Because like if you're making, I get that if you're making like, like, okay, so let's bring it back to like blackface, right?

Like back in those days, like, I get why that was really offensive because you were like diminishing a race of people to just this one thing. But now I think times have changed. Like now accents, I don't think were funny 10 years ago.

I was like, they're kind of funny. But now they're really funny, especially because you're not supposed to do them. So it's really funny. But also like, somebody brought this point up with comedy. It's like,

sometimes comedy is taking a trend and exaggerating it to the most comedic point. So, like, if you had, like, a frat bro who their letters were RAPE at the top, like, that was a fraternity level. You're like, okay, obviously not all fraternity guys are rapists. But you take a trend and you over-exaggerate it to a, it's funny that something would be that obvious, like, over-the-top. So that's why, like, when somebody's, like, doing, like, a Chinese guy doing something like super Chinese, it could be hilarious. because I go, no, they're not all like that. But it's funny because you're like, it's funny that you're exaggerating something that far

to where it's like not. I think it's like offensive to think that the audience is too stupid to recognize that they don't get that it's a joke. That's what I'm, that would be like me genuinely getting offended because people talk, people mock my accent. Yeah. Which it doesn't, to be honest,

it doesn't bother me, but it's like, I've never understood that where it's like, it's one of those like quick things with people like, you can't do that accent or you can't sound like that because it's bad and it's like well why is it bad? It's one of those things you never get any other. I'm at one

point of doing stand-up that I'm like I really I'm past KLS. I'm past Karen because it's also like it's like dude if you don't like it's fine it's like and I'm not gonna like stand and be like actually it's okay that I talked about banging a transom because I'm an ally and it's like but some people like some people like people mock my accent every day I'm a victim.

That's kind of why I want to know why it's bad so I can actually act like it's you just cry. It hit my fucking feel. Yeah, yeah. Like, I want to know, like, why it's bad. You know, the worst is when people, like, ask, like, oh, like, where are you from? It's like, dickhead, you already know the answer.

You know, it's like you are, like, and I just do the same shit every time I'll say, like, Cambodia or something. You know what I mean? It's like, I love the accent, too, they're Cambodier, the art thing. Get out of my house. Didn't, uh, didn't people think you were faking it, too? People always do. That's so crazy. I heard there is an Asian comic who,

absolutely fams it up you hams it like there's like there's like you're doing something more racist than a white guy doing an Asian accent because you're actually convincing somebody you're like oh we do a standup now yeah

just like intrigued by everything oh microphone and it's like and the Asian guys get really offended because they're like dude this is like this is more offensive because like a white guy doing an Asian accent is like okay he's doing an over exaggeration

but people are thinking this is a real human being. Dude, I think it's more offensive to, like, do a joke that involves a gay person, and, like, you pad it with all these things, and you're like, no, I love gay people and, like, all this. And then, like, the punchline of the joke is, like, has nothing to do with, like, them being gay or anything. It's just, like, it's just making them come out as a hero. It's, like, that's, that's way more offensive because you're not being authentic. Like, you're kind of, you're doing that. There's no way every single person, especially if you go into comedy, which is like comedy is supposed to be this ground where we all are like fucking

dickheads. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, just say the things that everyone's not saying. No, no, they're genius. They're modern philosophers. Yeah, I said that one time. And if I could have a time machine, I'd go back and stick a gun in my mouth when I was like a month in a comedy.

I'd make my girlfriend watch like a Greg Gerardo documentary. And I'm like, this is what's all about. I'm like, dude, why don't you fucking broke up with me? That's just terrible. Dude, one time I told my girlfriend, I'm like, we should go see Legion of Skanks. Why would she want to watch an offensive live podcast? It's so crazy looking back. I'm like, yeah, that is a nightmare.

And then she saw me doing open mic bits, and I was just like, 9-11, and I'm like, oh, yeah, that's very fair. Yeah, yeah. We're all kind of retarded because, like, our, like, perceptions and everything change, like, every couple of years. Like, when I started comedy, I was like, there would be no greater thing. I would be never more proud than if I was to be on Legion of Skanks. Yeah, yeah. And now that I'm older, I'm like, I really don't care to ever be on.

It's just not as cool as I thought it was. That's life, though. That's life. Yeah. There's shit I thought. it was cool seven years ago that I couldn't care less about now. Bamar Jarra. Being Bamargera.

Now I like Bamargera. I used to not like him and now I'm... No, I've said this a thousand times, but I completely stand by this. He's the only one sticking to the name Jackass. The modern Jackass show is so fucking lame, dude. I heard the movie was like good. The new movie was fun, but their introductions

were terrible. They're like, what if we had a hot chick on Jackass? Like, why would that be funny? They should have a fucking like... Oh, yeah, she's a comedian. They should have a woman named like Debra, who has, like, no teeth. And they're like, we're going to go punch Debra in the face. They should get alcoholics from bars and throw them on the show. Really take advantage of people with severe drug.

It's very gluten-free now. Yeah, and then there's this guy, like, dude, I watched the fucking, they did a jackass shark week. I was watching the other night. I'm like, this would be nice. And there was a guy who, like, got bitten by a shark. And he's like, it's like a year later. And he's like, you know, I really got to face my fears and get out there in the water.

He starts crying. And he's like, I'm really scared to be in the water. the sharks again, but I think it's really about over it. I'm like, what the fuck is? This is on jackass? Yeah, I was like, these people were supposed to be drug addicts who are ruining their lives for our entertainment. That's what it was. Like, it, you wouldn't have got to where

you are now to release a movie if that's what it wasn't. Dude, they were behind the scenes, like, I think Bert Kreisch talked about it. Like, literally, they were doing so many pain pills and stuff like that. And it's like, that was entertaining. And I'm like, look, it's like, this is just what that is. It's like, don't pretend like it's not that.

Like, Burke Chrysha was on jackass? No, no, no. So he met Johnny Knoxville when they were shooting Jackass, like before the show got made. And he came, Johnny Knoxville came to Florida State, and, like, him and Burke Chrysher took, like, opiates and, like, watched Jackass, and he's like, dude, this shit's fucking sick, right?

It was like, them getting hitting the balls. He's like, this is going to be a huge hit. Or Byrd Crisher made that up. He's like, actually, Morgan Freeman met me before his acting career. I don't know which these stories are. So Morgan Freeman? Yeah. Morgan Freeman comes over one of the funniest guys of him. me and Morgan Fittling.

God, I fucking hate him. Really? I like him a lot. But he's Florida, dude, he's got your Florida. Yeah, no, I like him a lot. But I just also love, I, one thing that is dumb, too, is the sacredness of all this stuff. We're like, you see people on Joe Rogan and they're like,

and I'm like, dude, don't like just have fun. Like, you can make fun of other comics as long as you're not like, I hate this guy. Why, he just did that, but him. but what gives a fuck though sometimes you don't like it's it's not like it's anything personal it's like just because we do the same thing does like who gives a fuck yeah we should be you know there's great musicians who i don't like their fucking music so what the fuck is the difference with also what we have to understand it's like i don't like Cheryl crow but like I understand why she's like good yeah the the higher generation of comics like Rogan tom sagura bill burr all those guys like we're never gonna like really get to meet them or like do anything with them? You speak for yourself.

We are a group is a group that we're coming up with and we have to remain loyal to each other. No, I'm going to fuck everything. I'm going to be a fucking tabby. I'm going to be a suicide bomber. That's what I'm going to do. Once we all finally meet up,

I'm going to take that vest off and fucking destroy everybody. Do you think there's any Rogan episodes that just didn't come out? Maybe. That is legendary to go on there and be so wild that he's like, look, we can do Alex Jones, but we can not put it. of this out. Yeah, sure, there's been people that

have said things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only people, like, I know Tim Dillon goes at Rogan a little bit. He's so, like, intelligent with that stuff. But, like, the one time, like, Rogan was talking about how, like, Candace Owens is, like, he's like, I'm friends with black people. Like, Candice Owens is my friend. He's like,

yeah, that's like being friends with me and saying, you like, gay people. Candace Owens fucking hot. Yeah, she is. Yeah. Did you know her name wasn't originally Candice Owens. It was Chaniqua Owens.

It was Candice Pussy Kweep. What? Like Candice Pussy Kweep? Of course. Okay, okay. That takes me a second. There's something hot about conservative chicks. I don't know what it is.

Yeah, fuck it. Because they don't give a fuck, dude. Yeah, that is like banging and ignoring. She's just being mean to call. There's some video there. She's like, next. Yeah. Next.

That's not a question. I'm like, why is this hot to me? I don't agree with anything she's saying. I don't even know what she looks like. I know who she looks like. I know who she looks like. know who she is, but I'm like, off the top of my head, I can't even think what she's like like. Imagine a beautiful black

queen. I told you about that video, right? Dude, there's this white guy who talked super black one time, and he went through when Rogan got trouble for saying the N-Ward. This is one of my favorite videos I've ever seen. Rogen got trouble, obviously, for saying the N-word. And this guy started making... You just see my penis. This guy started

making a compilation of all the white comics who said the N-Word, which in the 2000s was every single person besides Seinfeld. Like, literally every comic said it. So he's like, here's Tom's Sigura is a white guy. He's like, one of Joe Rogan's France. Here's his comedy central half hour. And Tom Sagra is like a bit where he says the N-Word and he goes, here's Tom Segura on a podcast with Ms. Pat. And they're talking about the N-word. Tom's the word.

Tom's the word. I'd never say the N-word. The guy paused, but he goes, you never say the N-word, Tom Sigura. You said it in your comedy central half hour. But you want to dare say it when you're sitting next to a beautiful black queen. It's just a white guy saying this. This is so funny. fucking funny to be like... People are lunatics. A beautiful black queen. Like as a white guy saying that is the funniest sentence.

Yeah. People are fucking lunatics. Yeah. I said it to a group of black guys one time when I was really drunk. Uh, beautiful black weird of the N word. The N word. What'd you say? I was like, me and my friend were like fucking hammered.

Same friend who did the, uh, I was talking about him earlier. I forget what he did. But, uh, we were just hammered watching football and there's this table of black guys and we were kind of like talking to him about the game. like kind of chirping them and stuff. And then like we ended up going over and like sitting with them. It was like nine black guys, me and my friend, very white. We were you at a bar?

We were at a bar. Yeah, we're at Hair of the Dog. We're outside. And one of them was like, it wasn't even that long ago. It was like right before I quit drinking. One of them was like making fun of me. And I just said,

and what, shut the fuck up. And they all just like burst into laughter. And I was like, and the next day, I didn't remember saying it until the next day. I was like, oh my God. Like checking, do I have any fucking knife wounds?

Yeah. Well, it is realistic, too. It's like, it's like, I've always said this. Saying the N-word is like, you ever watch those, especially in comedy? Two of those things like, you've watched those movies like Blades of Glory where they're like, this trick is against the rules. You can't do it. But if you pull it off, you somehow win the guy. You win the tournament.

Yeah, yeah. Because like, like that scene in Rush Hour when Jackie Chan says it, you're like, that is the funniest thing in the world. Yeah, yeah. Because he's just, he'd go, like, Chris Tucker. was like, do everything I do. Just follow my speed. And he hears him say, the Edward of bunch.

He's like, okay. He's the bartender. He goes, what's up? My beep. And then just, I forgot about it.

I haven't seen Russia all right. Oh, my God. So, fun. We had a Peruvian exchange student. And my family's just dying laughing. The Peruvian's like,

why is that funny? Like, this is the funniest thing in the world. Because this guy has no idea that each other. Oh. What is up? My opinion. But I think. Rushawa,

in Russiaava, too, was such good. movies, dude. Oh, fucking amazing. It's so funny. Yeah, Chris Tucker's fucking hilarious. Yeah. And on Epstein's Island still the funniest thing. Oh, that's my favorite conspiracies. People are now saying that Matthew Perry was murdered. Oh,

because of, like, an Epstein? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he on the island? No. People just think he's like, people like, this one guy said pedophiles are bad. I killed him. So Holly was trying to take him there. Yeah, yeah. Fucking retards, too. That's not on TV every day. The crazy thing was his fucking, what's it called? Because all

of his things were like, uh, People are saying there's something called like Operation Dark Night or something like that where they're like, and then all of like Matthew Perry's stuff was just like, I like Batman. I'm like, no, he's just a pillhead. It's not a weird thing. I never watched Friends. Either did I. My favorite thing, though, is his last post.

You saw his last post. In the hot tub, right? Yeah, fucking crazy. His last post is him being like just chilling in a warm hot to be. I mean, if you got a hot tub like that at your house, though, it's like it makes sense that you would be in that thing every day. I mean, I saw that picture. I was like, damn. I mean, did he ever go?

I know he's a drug addict and a drunk. Did he ever go broke or is he doing all right financially? No, they were saying he makes like $20 million a year on residuals. Yeah, I'm sure. Well, also, the thing about him, he really should have gone conservative. Like, that's how you, when you're, when you're, that's your career. If you start to become like a B-less celebrity, you just start talking conservative, then you become like that guy.

Yeah, yeah. Because he was like actually a good actor. Like, he was like good. He was like, like, like, he was like, like, It's such an iconic show, you know? Yeah. I've ever heard that story about Norm MacDonald and him? No.

Because, like, this was at, like, the height of friends. And I guess, like, Harvey Weinstein was at a party. And he was talking about Matthew Perry. And he's, like, he's a genius. And, like, everyone's, like, agreeing with him. And Norm comes in. He's like, what, is he good at math or something? He said, Weinstein was, like, so upset.

And everyone was, like, dude, you can't, like, make him look bad. But, like, he's like, I don't know. And then turns out. Yeah, he was a terrible Yeah, yeah. Well, that was the, dude, I found out at a comedy show and I was hosting it. And the guy who's show it is, he goes,

dude, you got to make the announcement. I was like, why? He goes, you got to make an announcement. So I go up there, I go, and he goes, you have to go, Matthew Perry just died and be really serious and then introduced the next comic fun. So when up there, I go, guys.

We lost this. It was just, it was a backyard show in Brooklyn, like, last Saturday. And I was like, guys, I have terrible news. Matthew Perry of friends. actually died. I'm going to go, yes, I'm serious.

I'm serious. Anyways, you guys ready for your next comic? He's hilarious. And then, like, that's just what the showrunner wanted me to do. I don't think it was that funny of the thing. And then later on I go up,

guys, I have terrible news. David Schwimmer just died in a jet ski accident. And they're like, are you serious? Like, no, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But Matthew Perry is totally dead.

That part was true because anyway, they couldn't, like, play on their phones. Like, that part was true. Other than the fact that, the only reason I know the name Matthew Perry is because he put out a book

like a year, ago and he wouldn't shut the fuck up about it and always on the news. If you would have told me like, I don't know, before that, like, two years ago, Matthew Perry, I'm like, is that a hockey player? Like, I have no fucking idea. Like, he's not, to me, he's not Is he related to Luke Perry?

Luke Perry's the Dawson's Creek guy, I think. I don't know. I don't know. He's dead too, isn't he? Yeah. Did he also, did he drown in Dawson's green? Gives a fuck. Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry's friends, right? Yeah.

Yeah. We are at, we are at an hour. What do you guys want to promote? News from Bed, the podcast on YouTube. Check that out. And Patty is funky on Instagram. Ryan O'Toole podcast. And it's Ryan O'Toole on, just, it's Ryan O'Toole,

ITS, Ryan O'Toole. All my shits on there. So fucking follow shit there. Yeah, listen to you fucking pussy's. I got to start doing listing five things off, you know. That's how promotion works. Yeah, yeah. Well, go on my Instagram.

It's all there, okay? If you don't want to, then fuck off. Yeah. Thank you guys so much for listening. Thank you so much.