Morning Good - Welcome to David Busters - Episode 107

Episode Date: August 17, 2022

Thanks to Charlie and Leland for coming back on the show as a duo. Check them=out on social media for more info on anything funny they might have coming out or shows they might have coming up.Charlie is on Instagram @charliedogson, and Leland is on Instagram and TikTok @lelandcomedy. Make sure to follow both of them as well as the their podcast, @idiotscatalog.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichael.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax.

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right. We're here with Leland Long. That's me. Charlie Dawson. Hi. And your host, David Buster.

David Buster. Yeah. They're there, as I already told Charlie walking in, I'm like, you might have to carry the show because I lost my voice at David Busters yesterday. But you know, I actually called it David Buster's Dave and Busters. It's Dave and Busters. Yeah, it's not David Busters. I like the idea of Dave and Busters. I've never been to Dave and Busters. You never been? No, I've never been. Dude. What's your favorite game there? Uh, dude, they had, they had, ski ball. Skiball is fun. I love Skiball. Skiball's classic. These all sound like drug, uh, like codes. Playing some ski balls. Ski ball, maybe. Dave and Busters.

Hit some bathroom ski balls. Coin pusher. My favorite is they had a walking dead game where you're doing a crossbow to kill the zombies. And you have to like reload the crossbow, like an actual crossbow. Oh, that's pretty cool. That sounds cool. And what's the payment like? Like, how do you get, how do you get in?

Do you have to have a reservation? Yeah. You got to have. We got to know a guy. You got to know David Buster. Yeah. We'll be on 20. Buster's list.

Yeah. We, it was funny going in, though, because they had to check your IDs. And they only checked one of our IDs. They're like, there just has to be a chaperone. And we're like, we're like 25. But I feel like it's probably like, uh, they don't want kids there alone because it's a liability. Because if you're a predator, David, like, literally, it's like a chucky cheese. Yes, there were like signs that were like no children in the bathroom without chaperone.

Wow. It's definitely about an issue before. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Some people go there and they're like, I'm not there for those games. Yeah. I'm not there for something about the other game.

Yeah. Yeah, I feel like, because we were talking about it before the pod, David Buster, it sounds like a porn star's name. Yes. And I don't think that place would be as successful if that was the owner's name. No, no. Kids would not be allowed to come to a place owned by David Buster. Yeah, I would not trust David Buster miles away. I don't trust anyone named David, so. Really?

Just not at all. Biblical thing. Just basing that whole thing just off of what their name is in the Bible. Yeah. You know, I was thinking about this the other day. I want to go to bookstores and take all the Bibles and put them in the baby name book section. Because a lot of people pick names from the Bible. It would just be funny to see, what the fuck the Bible doing it?

I guess there is a lot of names in here. It is full of those. We used to do the worst thing. We'd go to the bookstore and we'd take that all these sex books. Like they were like, this is when we were kids. I don't do this as an adult. Like 50 Shades of Gray? No, they have actual books where it's people having sex in different positions,

but not comic suture, it's actual photographs of people. Like, here's this position you would never do in a thousand years. Oh, like tasteful nudes? Yes, but like it's like people. It looks, it's like, you know, like softcore porn on like Cinemax? Yeah. It almost looked like shots of that but in different sex positions with like descriptions and stuff like that. Were they like educational book?

Like here's how to spice up your relationship kind of thing? Okay. Oh, that's cool. It wasn't just like porn. No. Yeah. It wasn't just hardcore, yeah. But we took, we used to take those when we were like 10 and we just moved them to

the kid section. And we put them like right behind Clifford the big red dog and all that stuff. You probably made so many kids days. Oh yeah. It ruined so many parents' days. Ruin. Yeah. But did you guys have when I was a kid, I would search for naked bodies throughout the day. I was just on the hunt for any naked body. It just like a weird little detective. Yes. Excuse me on their naked bodies in this building. Yeah. That was my whole day was just like or like looking at adults trying to see like, like if I saw a bra strap, dude, I was eight years old, my day was made.

Mission complete. So if I was like looking at a Clifford book and then like a tasteful nudes book was behind it, dude, I would have prayed to the god. You see some side move and you're like, I can go home now. Today's, today's done.

We should have done it. We should have cut them out and put them on like page 290 of like a Harry Potter book. So it's like a reward. It's like you got to the Unless you're really into Harry Potter What is this garbage? That's like covering up the words you want to read. You're like, fuck what happens to Hagrid?

I'll never know. Yeah, it'd be like a reward. Yeah. I'm sorry. Am I behind on this one? I told you to carry the show, so you're like, all right, now I have to emphasize whatever point we're making. Even better, let's print out little copies

and glue them to the tickets that come out at the machines in Dave and Busters. Oh, my God. That's a phenomenal. little. You get one, you're like, I think I'm going to keep this one. I don't think I'm going to trade this in for the teddy bear. I'm good.

It could be like a film where it's like they make a movie if you like feed the tickets into a. Oh, yeah, just like the little film shots. I know you're talking about. Oh, but you don't get a high score, so you only see up until the pizza guy gets to the door. It's a jeez. Shout out, Dave and Busters. It was phenomenal. I had a great.

My favorite was seeing a guy with like a, he had like a piece here. They had like legit ass security. Oh, they had like. They're so funny. He's like, they had guys in suits work in security. They had like, dude, because that's where all of sex trafficking happens. Apparently, that's the episode of sex trafficking in New York City. I love that they have like, floor men, like a casino.

Yeah, exactly. That's what the guy looked like. He's like, yeah, they're cheating at ski balls. Someone's winning too much. They have to get him out. Sure, let's go. Yeah. They just look at two kids and they see one's like tapping a,

tapping his leg. They pull them in the back and they're like, all right, you can keep your 14,000 tickets or you can have your hand smashed with hammers. She's like a 10-year-old like, I don't know what to do. I look at I count crossbows

at a young age. Well, yeah, that's floor security. I wonder, can I look up how many children are kidnapped at Dave and Buster? See if there's statistics on it? Let's get the numbers on that. Real quick, I'm going to open the door here because I, do you feel a lack of oxygen in this room right now?

No, that's just you. You're weird for that. Maybe I'm also, I'm also kind of hungovers. Maybe I'm just sweating. He just passes out on his way to open the door. Yeah, I'm fine, guys. Let me just do that real quick. Just loosen the right.

No, no worries. You're looking up the statistics. No, no, we'll fill it. We're here. Child safety concerns. What if it's like on the Dave and Buster's website? They're like, this has happened. We fixed it.

Don't worry. Well, a lot of, it's just a lot of sexual assaults. Less kidnappings. A lot of sexual assaults. That's a funny morning to warn people about your own place. Like, listen, this is a dangerous spot. So, beware if you're... Dave and Busters.

We just want to cover all the bases. Yeah. Oh, God. This is sad. I don't know why I thought this would be funny. This is just sad. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wait, now it's too loud.

I got to close the door more. what a nightmare the article everything all right so moral of the story be be careful

at David Busters that's the moral of any story David Busters bring a pepper spray know how to do the thing where you can get out of like zip tie handcuffs really easily what do you have to be

Houdini to not get kidnapped as a kid yeah you do oh Houdini famously never sexually assaulted we were talking about Unless, do you think that there was an incident early on in his life? And he's like, I'm never going to get locked up again.

He made in his life mission. He's just not. His assaulter put him in a straight jacket. Yeah, it's like, you'll see one day. I'll make these look like child's play. It's like, all right, I'm going to play with you now as a child's. Leland with it, Carrie. Yeah, baby. Yeah, yeah. I love that I

could just sit in the pocket already. You guys were here, baby. Yeah, follow, well, go watch Idiot's Catalog. Is this too early for plugs? No, plug right now. Eight minutes is too early. Invention space podcast. I love what people ask questions about the podcast. Like, if I'm like, it covers me with an erection. You can do anything like. There's no

format. There's no. We're allowed to swear in here? Yeah, yeah. I have a sex store. Is that cool? Quick sex. I was a Dave & Busters. That was my favorite. The first time I had that little person's stripper. He's like, Oh, I didn't know if I could talk about any of this on the... I'm like, I had you on as a little person.

Did you think we were going to talk about politics or something? I was like, I said, I had you on as a little person stripper. Like, that's the character of his... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I didn't have you on as Jerry. You didn't have you on as Jerry. You're a little person stripper. But, oh, you know, we were talking about Houdini the last time. It's so funny that we learned about that guy in school.

I know. He was just a magician. Yeah. There were so many war generals and politicians that I have no idea about, We learned about Houdini. Like genocides and bad things that America did. And it's like, but look at this guy that couldn't stay locked up. And it's not like he was a wizard.

It's not like he practiced witchcraft. It was just, he was slight of that. How do you know? Oh, fuck. Maybe that's what they didn't teach in school. He just jump out of the window. He's old. I can't handle it.

Because he wasn't like everything was just, it wasn't he only like an escape artist? Yeah, he did a lot of escapes. He also, he also, he's magic or just impract? He also. I wanted three-card Monty in Times Square, but that was later on. Three-card Monty. Three-card Monty is like a scam where you basically trick unassuming tourists into giving you money because they think they're wearing money.

I like the level of unassuming tourists. Like you feel the empathy for the tourists. Yeah, yeah. Because I see, I work in Times Square, and so I see people getting scammed every single day. It's like the cup in the ball. Why don't you stop me from walking into David Buster's? Well, it sounds fun. Yeah.

I'm talking. I see the, my least face. favorite scam is the mixtape scan is where people... Oh, where they sign it? Yeah, where they sign it. Wait, I can't just... Well, yeah, what they do is they try to... They basically force a CD into your hand, like a CD that has their music on.

They, like, I've had people like, not hit me with it, but hold it in front of me so I can't keep walking forward. You know what I mean? So I have to, like, touch it. And then once you touch it, they're like, hey, that's yours now. But now I have to sign it, and now you owe me money. It's this whole string of things. And then they, they run into you and knock it down and they're like, I was going to eat that

mixtape. You've got to buy that mixtape for me. And then you don't, so they just stuff it back into the mixtape. I don't even know if the listeners know about that move. Oh, I've gotten that a couple of times. That's the worst. Someone bumps into you. They drop their food or drinks and they say they were going to eat that

and you owe them for a new food. One of my favorite moments of walking around New York with you was when we were in the West Village and someone did that. They ran into you and dropped the food. And immediately you're like, I fucking hate when they do this. That's not food he's eating. You, like, explained it all out loud right now before he could even get a word out, and he just turns around and puts his food back in the train, keeps walking. It's always a funny food.

Not funny, but it's always, like, spaghetti or something that's, like, so nice. He's just, like, yeah. He's like, oh, God damn it. It's like chicken and rice. He's picking up each individual grain. Yeah, it's always that. Well, I didn't want to think he got me. Because even if I turn around to be like, are you, like, he's already got me.

So I just, like, keep walking and, like, it does annoy me, dude. I fucking hate. Because I've gotten scam before, like a couple of times. One time I was on mushrooms, I got scammed. And I knew what was happening, but I didn't have the tools to say, like, hey, I know this is happening. And so since then, I just, it really annoys me. What was that?

What was the busher one? Same scam? Yeah, same scan, except he had bottles in a plastic bag and he dropped them. And he said that it was a more expensive alcohol than it really was. It was probably just like cheap beer. Oh, and they like shattered? They shattered. Yeah.

And he said, he said, I, that's a smart ones. You could find just empty bottles of like, I don't know what's a nice vodka. And then he just, after you do this game, he just comes back with super glue and, you asked me to sign the bottle. Yeah, he said,

this was a, he goes, listen, I don't care, but my aunt is over there and she told me I have to beat you up if you don't pay me. I was like,

man, at least be a man about beating me up. You know what I mean? Don't reluctantly kick your ass. Exactly. Yeah, don't pawn it off. Did his aunt, like, retro, like, before, tell him, like, if anyone runs into you and you drop these bottles, you have to kick their ass.

I don't even know. He's like, I don't think that's going to happen. That's random. I don't even know if it was his aunt. It was just some woman in a wheelchair that was also around. I don't even know if they knew each other. Oh, they know each other. You think they knew each other?

They're not, it's not his aunt, but they know each other. Yeah, sure. I was pissed, dude. I was sad. I went to a guy who used to a cop who maybe still does. into his house after and he's from New York. And I told him what happened. He was like, you know you don't have to pay those people. And I was like, he was threatening to, you're basically

mugging me at that point. He was threatening to... Yeah, there's that weird line where it's like... Yeah. Yeah, I saw that outside the pair of. Somebody bumped into some other guy and spilled on his shirt. And then the guy was like, give me all the money in your wallet. You're like, what the fuck? Roodle. It doesn't seem like it'll fix that.

I had one time, uh, first time I came to New York, I was looking for the comedy seller just to like see it. Yeah. And I was on McDougal Street. And you know how it's like, downstairs kind of like hidden if you've never seen it before. Yeah, the seller. I was like right next to it and I was looking for it and these homeless guys came up and I'm like, what are you looking for man?

I was like, the comedy seller. And he's like, it's right there. And he's like, can you give me some money now? And you're like, and I was like, all right. So I pulled out my wallet and I had like a $10 bill and two $1 bills. So I gave him the two $1 bills. And the other guy's like, come on, man. Give us the rest of the money.

I'm like, no. And even the other homeless guy's like, no, no, no, leave me alone. to give us some money. Yeah, that's the worst is like, the funniest would be barking because I'd make a lot of money. I'd be stuffing in my wallet.

I'm sorry, I have no money right now. I'm not putting like $40 in my wallet. Can you break a 20? The one thing that was so funny that we read the David Busters and there was all these like cool knick-knacks. Did you guys ever have those people that came to your high school and they got you to sell magazines for like a prize? Oh, my God.

I never got an explanation of that. Yes, I forgot about that until you just said it right now. What the fuck? And we never got like, it was always the coolest thing. I remember there was like, oh, they're like, this is a portable blender. You sell like 5,000 magazines. And I was like, dude, if I can make milkshakes at school. Like in my mind, it was.

I'd be a king. Yes, I'd be a king. It's like the dumbest thing in the world, like a portable blender. But I remember being a kid just like fantasizing about being like, what's that? Yeah, no, just making milkshakes. It was never really things appropriate for high schoolers. It would either be things that are like for a dog. or things that are for like children children.

This was in elementary school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had it in middle school. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess. I see what you mean, though. It's something in between. It's like a blender, but a child,

a child blender. Yeah. Why would I have a blender at like 10 years old? And you also, where would you keep all the ingredients? Yeah, yeah. You need a shirt with like... You got your backpack full of bananas. Yogurt.

I'm using a spoon to just like mash it up. I'm like, it's got to be good. Yeah. But, like, I need to be good. But, like, I need it. never, I don't have no idea what that was for or any, like it was, I think. It was for your basketball team. Yeah. Yeah. Like, there was no, uh, yeah, I was like, I was, was that a pyramid scheme? What was that? Yeah, I think so. I think so. Was it? Well, because you weren't getting people below you to sell.

They told me to get other kids to sell. Did they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then definitely pyramid scheme. Yeah, 100%. Our school would just like, allowed that. They also allowed some crazy people. So my middle school, it was like, I went to a pre-year-old. I went to a school until high school I switched over to public. Okay, brag. Yeah, I mean, I'm fucking loaded, bro. No, but like, I remember, it's like, I left that prep school, but years later, they had

this woman named Pam Stensel, who I guess was one of those, like, crazy. They didn't know at the time, but she had one of those people that's like, look to your left, look to your right. One of those people has HIV. Whoa. One of those, like, school speakers, they had one of those crazy ones. Wait, wait a minute. Was this at the magazine speech?

No, no. Yeah, she's like, now I'll get you to sell some magazines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're dying of AIDS. You need to sell magazines now. We have the cure for it. What a wild way to get around child labor laws. Oh, really?

Because think about what they made. 5,000 magazines for that blender. They probably made like $20,000, and then your blender's like 30, 30 bucks. But as a kid, you don't know. You're like, where else can I get a blender? Yeah, I don't know how to get to Lowe's. I have no idea how to get to Lowe's.

Dude, that was the funniest thing. Do you remember how much were challenging just to buy things online as a child? Like, I had no idea how to do it. I could so. Yeah, I never really did. Yes, one time I ordered some stuff.

I was a big fan of, like, a Naruto, and I ordered, like, the headbands for me and my brother. And we ordered from this website that was, like, mad sketchy. And after, like, a year they hadn't showed up. I was still like, I think they're coming. I'm tracking the package. My dad was like, don't track that package.

They're not coming. Yeah, you just don't know things. You just don't know. And there was no Amazon. Shout out Bezos. So there was no. No reliability, you know? Yeah, I remember, yeah, there were certain things like,

I remember the funniest was like, whenever a friend got a Visa gift card, they just use it for porn. Because they were like, it was like, and I remember people in high school buying with cash a Visa gift card from Publix to buy a porn account online. When was this?

Wow. It was like high school, but that's, that is so funny to be in high school and still unimpressed by free porn. You're like, I need the premium. Yeah, that's a problem. Like 15. Why do you need that?

I've never... Michael, you ever bought porn? Yes. So I've gotten as a present for people before, like a Brazzar's account. That's so funny. Yeah. And then you end up giving them the password.

And you're like, yeah, this will be just for you. And you're like, okay, I'll go on occasionally. Yeah, just go and see what they've favored it. Yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, you're disgusting. Give it back. You go, you're disgusting, but let's check it out. This might be at my alley.

Yeah, it might be by the thing. Well, the funniest is like, I from watching like the browser stuff you realize it's just production it's not like the acting gets worse and really yeah because I feel like the the more homemade stuff is more like oh these are people actually and then that like I remember I watched one and it was like a 10 minute intro of like not even starting the scene but just like cuts and shots and like different frame it's all kinds of like cinematic stuff just on the intro it's like slut house but down but down bam bam bam but down like a whole I was so I was It wasn't. But I was watching, I was like, this has been like a 10-minute intro. Yeah, you know, it's the worst is when it's like professional like that. And there's some kind of like story that they're trying to do. Like, oh, the librarians getting sexy.

But before it's like a little intro from the porn star, she's like, thanks for watching my videos. I'm blah, blah, blah. I'm a professional porn star. I was like, well, now I won't believe you're a librarian. Yeah, yeah. That's completely skew that. Yeah.

It's like, yeah, you know that Nicole Kidman thing at the AMC before the movie? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like, it's like that. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, I know what you're talking about. She's like, thank you for coming to AMCP. People cheer and I want to fucking hang every one of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know I want to hanging there.

That's such a brutal way to kill someone. Sure, really tough. When people cheer at Nicole Kidman, dude. Does it happen often? Every movie I'm at, people cheer at that. It's a mean. It's like a joke to do it. And I get it, but it's like.

Well, we were at the, that one and people cheered and at the end of it a guy said fuck AMC and he was added AMC it was funny they didn't speak up the rest of the movie yeah thank God have you guys had some uh

I've had some rough movie encounters lately really rough movie in house I've had some great ones I had a fun one recently that was someone's phone went off during the movie like it just like started ringing

and someone in the back row was like you gotta be fucking kidding me and then someone in the middle was like it's not that big a deal deal. Just hitting the full, yeah, the full arc of that.

That's the thing about theaters is that there's no one controlling them. So it's really the, it's like a democracy in a way where it's like the people all like to keep each other accountable. Is that what a democracy is? I don't know what that word means. Can you imagine if we just didn't know, but there was like no

jurisdiction for theater? Like any, you could do anything. It's like international water. international waters. We just end up killing someone and they were all like scared that we're going to go to jail. It's fine.

No, it's right. You were international theaters. You guys actually all consented to this when you went in. The guys, yeah, we'll deal with the family and stuff. You're good. I had this out of movie.

I went to see this, nope. And there were two guys next to me and one of them was talking a lot during the previews, which is like fine. I don't care. If I'm at a movie with a friend,

I'd talk during the preview. It's not like a deal. And then the movie started and he kept chiming in with little jokes and his friend like stopped laughing at them you know what I mean

like his friend was being really nice before and laughing and yes ending and all that and then the movie started and like anything that happened this guy must have been on like Adderall or something like literally a song just start playing and this guy had a little joke for it

or like a car would drive and he had a little joke for it and they weren't good ones right no they're just like dog talk shit like an accurate like an accurate car like it's some dumb fucking joke

and his friend just slowly which is like, hmm, you know what it? Cool. I've been there before. You have the friend that's like,

especially at like a comedy show, you're with your buddy in the back of the room and he's just like talking to you a bunch. It's such a good bit. Yeah. And just like, all right, I need to not have you talk right now.

So I'm just going to ignore you until you die down. I think I've been that friend before. We've probably both been that friend to each other, you know? Well, there's times where like, I get it. There's times where you're like,

you don't know, you're feeling good and you kind of want to be you, whatever. But it's like, I don't know, friend. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I saw the worst we went to go see once upon time in Hollywood. Great movie. I liked it a lot. But the guy next to us, you ever see people that are like, just mind

blown by everything. He was like, what? Yeah. Oh my God, did you what? We're like three minutes into the movie. Yeah. Because like there was that one weird thing where they're obviously shitting on like how racist Hollywood used to be with like, no more dead Indians. Like that was like the name or more dead like whatever. I feel like no more would be not. It would be the opposite. Yeah. It was like. Like, more than it. Yeah, no, a lot. Whatever.

Like, Leonardo. I mean, Dead Indians is dead Indian actress, you know? I mean, however we can get them on screen. But, um, they actually used a white guy for dead indians. Probably back there. But it was, it was, uh, because you know how Leonardo de Capri is playing like an old Western guy? So it's one of the, and the guy in the theater watching it was like,

he just couldn't handle it. And then like the next scene was like something too. We're like, it's like, yeah, this is a cigarette dipped in acid. He's like, oh, you got to be kidding me. He must have fucking lost his mind when the flames are Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he's like, you're like, oh, just

Yeah, you just passed out by that point. Well, it's a joy because I had watched that movie twice because my girlfriend got sick like 20 minutes in. And luckily, the second time we saw, that guy wasn't in the theater. So. I imagine.

Yeah, I imagine. The finale of that movie where like just three people are getting murdered and he's just, his head's just exploding. He's having a seizure in the chair and just like foaming from the mouth. His friend's like, hmm.

What if that was the first time he's ever seen a movie? He's a charity. Like, oh, yeah, what a wild way to start. He's never left his house, actually. That's the first time he ever left, left his house. He's trapped. David Buster had him in the basement. Him and Houdini.

And Houdini's like, peace out, dude. You're too much for me. Yeah, I would, there's a part of me when I see people like that, where I'm like, oh, what a loser. But then part of me is like, God damn, I wish I was. I got excited about stuff like that. Yeah. A lot of times with people I hate the most, like, walking around, because I hate, I love judging and hating when I'm walking around New York. Those people have something I want.

You know what I mean? It's like, they're wearing a flashy shirt. I'm like, I fucking hate that shirt. And then, and like, in the back of my head, I'm like, I wish I wore cooler shirts. You know what I mean? There's that little piece where you were like, man, wouldn't it be nice, though? Would, yeah. There are some people that were, like, I genuinely, like, I was at the park the other day with a Friday. We were having, like, a more intimate conversation. and this guy was a finance guy on the phone talking like as loud as he possibly could about a deal. And I was just like, dude, I'm talking about my fucking father here. Will you shut the fuck up?

Like, I could not with this guy. What was the deal? Was he like, yeah, if I ruin these people's conversation, you will let my family go? That was the deal, right? You know finance. Yeah. That was one of my favorite. I think it was Dan Cummins bits.

He was talking about a guy who pete himself on a. rollercoaster, like a log ride at Disneyland. And he's like, that would be so embarrassing. I feel like if I was that person, I would immediately take out my phone and be like, all right, I did it. I peed myself in front of everybody. Will you let my kids go now?

That's hilarious. I don't know Dan Cummings. Funny guy. Related to David Buster. Yes. That's so good. Yeah, I've been on like a binge with shitty rush. restaurants like that.

Like we went to Outback Steakhouse a couple weeks ago. Loved it, but it was funny because at some part I just started having a panic attack. And then I couldn't help but laugh myself. I'm like,

how I'm having a panic attack at the Albaq Steakout? I'm just like looking at pictures of Australia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too much. Shearing like wild tribal music back your mind.

Like, oh fuck. Sure you're blooming onions here. I'm like, okay. You take this fucking thing away from me right now. Someone just comes up to your ear. Good eye. Oh my God.

I get panic attacks in in fluorescently florescent lit stores. CVSs kill me. Any department store kills me. I freak out. So just too bright or? It's too much like consumer is.

It's just I don't even know. I don't want to make it deeper than it is. It's so funny. The consumerism. It's the capitalistic nature of the store. It's soul draining. It's like my favorite place to hang out is just like a dark, dingy, like gross wood grain basement somewhere.

And so when I... Mom and Pop store? Yeah, you know those mom and pop gross dingy. So when I'm in like an above ground three story store that sells only cabinet handles and it's all fucking bright lights and employees who want to kill themselves, I freak out. I just can't do it. It's so funny how opposite we are. Really?

I was just talking about one thing I hate is I hate bars that have candlelight and I like dim and wooden. I love it. I hate it. I like, dude, if I could like, dude, if I could like, live inside of a mall. I don't know what it is. It's just like the... Dude, I went to a mall with my mom recently, so like double bad, you know?

And I just, I was like, I need to... I got my thing I needed. I was like, I need to get out of here right now. I was shopping for a belt. What a fucking hell that is. To shop for a belt. You're like, I think I'm going to use this right away. That's why I love Amazon.

I'll order stuff on Amazon just to not have to go to a store that's around the corner from my house. I fucking hate stores. I'm such a child. I still go into Spencer's gifts and like boobs on a hat. There's a store in Times Square where they have all these shirts out in front and they all have like curse words on them. It's crazy.

You know? They're on the shirt's like, fuck you and your fucking opinion. And every time I walk, every time I walk by, I'm just like, I know that there's people who walk by that store and are like, oh my God. Yeah. Can you believe that one guy blowing the guy from the Tarantino movie? Yeah. That guy's like, fuck me.

Can they legally print that on his shirt? Yeah, I don't know why I like that. Also, what is the deal with Spencer's Gifts not being outside of malls? It's like a weird agreement that they're only inside malls. I think it like offsets the mall, you know? Because the mall is like a lot of happy stores and like kid friendly stores. Like, we got to have something in here to balance it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like the emo kid in a friend group. Yeah, exactly. You think about the amount of teenagers that hang out at a mall and like they're like, this is just for them. And somebody who occasionally needs like a deal though. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do they have Rick and Morty stuff at Spencer's? Yeah, yeah.

I've been watching that show again. Solid, I mean, awful fan base, but like still a decent show to, but every time I watch it, I kind of, I watch it, like, I'm like, like, shameful. You know what I mean? Oh, sure. Like, I kind of hide it. Yeah. Yeah.

That's how I felt, we went to go see. I've said it a million times of the podcast, but we had to go see the Alex Jones documentary in theaters the other day. It's so funny because me and Dan got high as shit. By the way, I'm sorry viewers. You've heard this story four times. But it was so funny because we're like, Dan Carney. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. We're like, let's see who's going to see it. It was all bros semi-ironically seen. It was the exact. I was like, I was like, no, it's literally just dudes that are like, this is going to be wild, right? But like, a few good points, right? 9-11 could have been inside. I'm not saying anything. But, uh, those planes definitely came from outside. They did not make them in the towers. Someone else saved me, please. They did. Then they'd be like, this is you, I mean, you guys should have seen this is your fault. Why were you building this plane inside? Inside a narrow New York City skyscraper. It is funny how every celebrity has some crazy 9-11 story. Like, I was watching Nick Carter or Aaron Carter on like a podcast. And he was saying, it was so funny.

He's like, yeah, no, I just finished doing Madison Square Garden with Michael Jackson. Whoa. And I walked outside and saw my... They were like, I want to start searching people's 9-11 to make sure... Yeah, wait. Wait, that doesn't... Time-wise, what was the show at noon? Yeah, yeah.

I was like, the next day or something. I was very, like, I feel like every celebrity has like a, yeah, no, I was supposed to be on that plane. Yeah, just make it about them. I was in the towers, as a comedian said. Yeah. Steve Bouchemmy helped out at like Ground Zero. Says Steve Boucher. Yeah.

Did you really? Yeah, apparently. He was a volunteer firefighter. John Stewart, maybe. John Stewart, yeah. He's fighting for the, there's a bunch of bills being passed right now in New York to, strip funding from first responders that have

health effects, like bad health effects from being there. It is kind of funny to be like, guys, it's been long enough. That's so funny. Yeah, right?

They're taking it away. It's like, get over it. It's like, no, it gets worse over time. It's like cancer. They're like, there's a whole other building there.

It's so funny. Yeah. I had, I've been having, I, you ever have some awkward, like, horrible store interaction?

like with clerks. I've been having those a lot lately where I just can't get on the same page as like someone at a store and it's like the most awkward interaction of both of our days. Give me an example. I went to a restaurant

I liked the other night, Charles's fried chicken on the Upper West Side and the lady who was working there was like really friendly and really bubbly and nice and she asked me my name and I said Charlie and she freaked out she's like, oh Charlie at Charles's

you know, and the whole time I just had nothing of value to say. I was wearing a firefighter shirt. family. I love it. In your brain, you're like, man, I'm bombing. I really was. I'm bombing, dude. I had like a firefighter shirt on. The first thing she said, she's like, are you a firefighter? And I was like, no, my family is. And she goes, oh, I was about to say. My family is a firefighter. He's already off to a bad start. I was raised in a firehouse. I was the domination. I was the poll. She goes, I was going to say, if you were a firefighter, I want you to show me around the

firehouse, you know, like, I don't even, maybe even semi-flirty. And I went, yeah, I was like, I was like, all right, this already sounds like you're... And I said, no, I'm not a firefighter. Also, like, no offense to you, but like... No offense to me. Look at your body. You don't have a fire. You can't carry a hose, let alone a person. I can't even look at fire without getting sombered. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Candles are a nightmare.

And then she goes, what she say? She was like... Do you think she was trying to fly? flirt with you? I think she was trying to flirt. Yeah, because she said another, like, flirty thing. I can't remember now, but I just, like, kept... She was like, you want to fuck after you eat this chicken? And you're like, I am not a firefighter. That'd be so funny. You have sex.

Then you go, I'm just, I'm not a firefighter. Like, she's just stolen valor. She's like, who the fuck is going to put out my apartment? You're just surrounded by planes. Oh, that was the other thing. She was talking about, I was talking about, I went to weather talk, of course. I was like, it's... I was like, speaking of fire.

Yeah, yeah. It's hot outside. If it was raining, it would put out that fire. And then she goes, yeah, imagine how hot it is back in this kitchen. And then she pointed to the cooks and they waved me and I went, it's probably really hot back there. Nothing, dude. Just absolutely nothing.

Was she attractive? Yeah, beautiful. Beautiful. Okay. But she's also, every time I'm in there, she's bubbly to everyone. So I don't think it was worth. That's so funny to think somebody's like hitting on you. It's like, have you ever had a comedy show where somebody's like, great set?

And you're like, thank you. You can say, great set. we really liked you. Great set. You're sure it to other people. You're like, God damn. It's meaningless. Yeah, yeah. Especially because that guy bombed and you said great set. Yeah.

I used to do this thing at Open mics where if someone didn't go up, I'd be like, hey, man, great set. Just purposely to fuck with them. There used to be this guy back where I started who was like the mentor to all the young comics. It's like old road dog comic guy. And he used to, he said thank you to me after one of my sets early on once. And I was like, oh, that's really meaningful. really special. And then I watched a girl completely bomb

and he said thank you to her afterwards. I was like, oh, I mean, it's nothing right out the window. What a weird, what, thank you.

Thank you. You've given me something after your performance. Well, he like treated the club room as his like room because he was like the manager there.

And so he's like, thanks for putting on a good show for the patrons at the open mic. Sure. Yeah, I guess that kind of makes more. Because it was like a mic

mic where people would come to it's like the only thing on Thursday is that kind of thing. People would come to there. They'd pass out and wake up at an open mic. Yeah. God, what an awful play.

Put me back in. Whatever I'm wherever I was. Most of the comics I see at open mics, it seems like they just came to at that open mic. Alex Sheik. Just wide-eyed, like, what the fuck is going on? I had a mom. We had to take out the episode.

He tried to eat a Zen Pouch. Like, I tried to give him one of these Zinn Pouch. He ripped it open, started eating the beads inside. And we're like, no, no, no, don't do that. He's like, what? I thought we're doing this. I'm like, that's not how you don't eat the thing. Shout out Zin Pouches, by the way.

It's so funny that in his mind he thought you ripped to open the nicotine thing. Yeah. I just ate what was, like, that's crazy. Dude, I saw Alex Sheik on Halloween one night. He was barking for the grizzly pair. And I go, hey, man, how's, how's your Halloween going? And he goes, it's great.

People just keep giving me drugs. I was like, are you doing them? He's like, yeah, dude, I'm on uppers, downers. I'm drunk. I was like, aren't you going up in like an hour? He's like, yeah, man, I'm super stoked. What the fuck? I mean, I used to do a lot of drugs, but I'd be really like, I'd be careful

people were just giving them to me. And this man, 19, 20 years old, doesn't give a fuck. No. Why, that guy's, I fucking love Alex Shee. Oh, he's so funny

too. Shout out of his mind. He's gonna die in two years. Yeah, yeah. So shout him out now while you can't. Yeah, yeah, why you get the chance.

You were talking about store interaction. My favorite is this hardware store over here. I love the hardware store. I just to live a block away from here. I love the hardware store. Did I tell you about the deaf woman situation?

Yeah, but too, it's a great story. So I walked in there and there's a woman sitting in a chair. And I'm like, hey, do you know where I can get some duct tape? and she said and I go

Do you know where I can get some duct tape? I go do you know and some guys just yell at the back to her She's deaf This guy just put his like deaf grandma in like the front of the store And I'm like don't expect people not to talk to her It's like But also yeah really But also like she was she looking at you

Did she see you talking to her? Yeah yeah It sounds like a rude deaf woman Yeah yeah Yeah just like no like oh I don't speak or anything Just staring you in the eyes Just staring me in the face. I'm not saying you should put her like against the wall.

But like, you know, maybe like... Keep her in the basement for God. Bucks her up and put her in storage. You have duct tape. You can deal with the situation, okay. And the other one I had, dude, this fucking smoke shop, they fucked me so hard. I went there and... What was it? I don't know.

Oh, the one... Oh, they said, oh. Fucked your heart at the smoke shop. I went in there. I was trying to get like a oil or a dry or. herb pen because it must be better for your lungs. Dry herb pen? It just only vaporizes the pot instead of

Oh, like a PACs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And the guy sold me something and said oil on it. I was like, it says oil or he goes, no, no, this is dry herb pen. And I go and look it up and it was an oil pen. And I come back and he's like, I give you a different dry herb pen. I was like, now, can I just get my money back? And he facetimes his boss. He's just a guy and they're just speaking in Hindi. So I've no, but what they're basically saying is we're going to totally fuck this guy. Like, I was like, there's no way. Like, I was like, I could tell I'm not winning this. Just by the way, you guys are like, what the

fuck am I supposed to do? I'm like it never. And the guy, he goes, I can refund you. I just refund you the tax. That's fine. But then it's just $10. In tax? Yeah, yeah. So I was like, now I have just $10 that like is given to. Oh yeah. I lose so much money from things like that. Yeah, I'm like, but does that even work? Like, can't you refund the tax? Like, how does that? No, they just took it from you. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But that happens. Yeah, yeah. Like that, do that. Oh, God. I feel like they refund tax at other places. Right. I'm like, it. get a full refund. He's like, I can't refund you the tax. I'm like, that's, so

$10 just went to the government for a transaction that is refund. Like, that doesn't mean. What happened is it? They made a deal with you. They're like, you fucked up, but we also fucked up. So we're going to take a little bit of your money. Not all of your money, but a little bit of your money. Because it's also crazy because tax is what you pay on the government on a service, but you didn't, the service didn't, the service. You know what I mean? So you didn't

get, so you should have had to pay more tax. Yeah. Honestly, for getting this reversal. Yeah. It was more work for us to. refund it and do that. So yeah. Yeah. Speaking of smoke shops, I'm quitting smoking. Yeah. I'm like three weeks into quitting smoking. And Zins treating you well? Yeah. I fucking love these Zins, dude. They're amazing.

I do, I am losing my mind. I've never quit smoking before for like this long. What are the like, how long are you going to go for? I hope forever. Yeah, nobody's, I don't think anybody's like, I'd be cool if I could you do a couple weeks. Yeah. Well, it would be easier if I was like, a month no cigarettes because then I'd be like, in two weeks I can have a cigarette. But like this whole never having one again is like,

it's ruining me. Yeah. I love them so much, you know. And my body's doing all this weird shit, like my body, because it's like I saw, I'm on your appetite's probably increasing, right? I'm eating so much, dude.

Yeah. I mean, we went out to eat yesterday. I've never, you've probably never see me like that before. Yeah, he was like, didn't even use any silverware.

No, just his face on the plate. I was eating off other people's plates. Yeah. But like, there's other stuff in, cigarettes that like besides nicotine that my body is like detoxing from and it's like fucking throwing me for a loop. So even from switching to cigarettes to zins, it's yeah like some

withdrawal symptoms. It's crazy. Kid Cuddy said he had a fucking hypnosis. I was somebody because what I was about to say was just shitting off too. I was like he said he had hypnosis to get rid of his cigarettes. But I think he just wanted to promote a new fun idea. He's like we should all go to hypnosis guys. You're like what? I mean I get that and like that book the easy way to quit smoking. or whatever, and it's just tell us. If you got to read a book, it's already not easy.

Yeah, you know, I don't want to read a book to do something I don't want to do already. You know what I mean? It's like reading a book to do laundry. Like, no, just do shitty laundry then. How crazy are hypnotists? Insane. That's such an insane thing to think. Because, like, they would just run the world.

Yeah, exactly. We would kill them on site if it really were. If it was an accurate thing. They'd be locked up. Yeah. Maximum security. their tongues cut out. And their watch is destroyed.

Their pocket wand would be destroyed. She would be an outlawed for hypnotist. That's really like more dangerous than owning like a tank. Yeah, that's a funny bit. Yeah, that would be. Because if someone owned a tank, you could just hypnosis them out of...

You can get your tank now. You can control the nuclear weapons arsenal. I think the same with psychics that are like, broke. Like a broke psychic. It's like just predict the, lottery. You idiot?

What are you doing? But there's always these work rounds where it's like we can't predict specific. Then what can you predict? Yeah. No, I don't believe psychics. But then the weird thing is the people that are like,

there's weird like CIA documents where they're like, yeah, we're working with psychics. I'm like, either you guys are just having a good time or there's something strange going on. But I do you know about MK Ultra? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was reading about MK Ultra last night. It was run by one man. And they basically gave him like millions of dollars and all the acid he wanted to like do his

little experiments on people. He had no scientific backing. He had no hard evidence that it was going to work. Do I think Manson was like part of that? I don't know. I feel like he had a really deep, experience pool of tie-dying things, though. So that really worked out for him.

He knew every Grateful Dead song. It goes back with sandals on. He's like, I learned a lot. It's crazy. Like, this central intelligence agency just gave a random guy a bunch of drugs and money. It was like, I hope you figure it out. because we can't.

Yeah, we got nothing. They, dude, they fucked up so many people with MK Ultra. They ruined so many lives. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, that was the one interesting thing. I'm not going to talk about the Alex Jones documentary anymore. I've talked about it for like 10 hours now.

We're out. That's so funny. I didn't even know that one was out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The most entertaining thing. I've said, I might as well just be promoting him at this way. It is the wildest. He made it?

Like, his friend made it. Oh, okay. We walked in there, like, This is probably an honest perspective. Maybe it'll be his point of view, but then also somebody who's like, this guy's out of his mind. Like the Kanye documentary?

Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Alex Jones. I knew he was going to be big. It's Alex Jones rapping. At a recording studio. Globalists, come get this deal. The lizards, the lizards,

the lizards. Oh, shit. But I guess his mom, her friends are part of MK. Ultras. like that. So it was like a weird upbringing where he's like, whoa. Yeah, that's like, yeah, man, he can't trust the government. He's right off the bat.

Yeah, I would imagine. Yeah. That says weird to, yeah, a lot of people think Manson was like one of those guys. He had like a weird thing where he kept getting like let out of jail for like very bad crimes. Oh, sure. And then the local police departments are apparently like, we're told not to deal with this. But that's also like, I have no

idea. That's what I heard one time on a hot podcast. Yeah, I read one Wikipedia article. Yeah, yeah, it was fucking sick. Can I bring something up with you fellas who I consider good friends a month? Sure. We'll decide if we're good friends after you. Well, this has to do with friendship.

Last night, I lent a friend some money because I was like he needed. He didn't need, like, he wasn't late on rent or anything, but he was like, I want this thing. And I was like, oh, I have a few extra bucks. But when I lent it to him, I was like, hey, I hope this doesn't, I hope you're not like, you don't need to feel like you need to be like extra nice to me or like, I hope this isn't weird or anything. It wasn't that much money. It was like 20 bucks.

I hope you don't feel like you need to be like, act different. around me. And then he didn't act different in terms of being too nice to me, but he did laugh a little too much to everything I said. And I was like, I'd rather you, like, it wasn't, I wish I didn't lend you the money because now I feel awkward around you. Like,

have you all ever lent someone money? It's a tough exchange. I'm the other side of that. I'm the guy who somebody does like one nice thing for me, and then I'm just like, you're the best, man. Yeah, you're that. You're my friend. Somebody let me like $2 for an open mic recently, and I like have been so apologetic because it took me weeks to get them the money.

Because my cash app was like not working or I got a new credit card. That's what my friend said too. Yeah. But it was like it was $2. And then I saw the guy in person. I'm like, here's $2. I'm like, I promise I was not trying to steal from you. And he's just like, dude, relax.

It was $2. That's the thing. It's like, unless it's thousands or even hundreds, it's like, I don't give a fuck. But the way that he was, he was like being way too nice to me that night. And I was like, ugh, this is gross. Like, or even if you're being too, like, to me. Like, no matter, I think no matter what, how you. treat someone after they lend you money, it's going to play a part

in how you treat them. If you're mean, you're going to be thinking, should I be mean to this guy? He let me money. But if you're nice, you're going to be thinking, I'd only be nice because he let me like. You should start using him. Just start giving him more and more money. You can get out of it. Like M.K. Ultra him. Yes.

My cog. Yeah. So it's only 20 bucks? 20 bucks. Give me this friend's number. It sounds like a deal for a night. Night of killing for 20 bucks? That's great. He's coming to all my bringers for the next yeah.

Yeah, I just wanted because I've never really lent money before and I was like, this is a shit experience. This is, I don't like this. Yeah. Yeah, do you think the mob

feels the same way? He's being too nice to us. He doesn't get away with all their murders. Yeah. They just lend people 20 bucks. That kind of is the mob's M.O. though.

They kill a guy and he's like, what are you doing? I paid back the money. They're like, yeah, but you were too nice after we gave it to you. It was very annoying to deal with. It made us uncomfortable.

I kind of hate the mob Instagram guys now who like they're like yeah I was in the I was in the family and now I'm going to talk about the family I see YouTube videos without the ex mob hitman shares his story don't share your stories

you freak yeah yeah you're gonna get a hit yeah so when he's basically saying you're like now that I got a popular YouTube page now I can just talk about all the horrible things I've done and you're like it's either one of two things I've heard some people say that those guys just are not there were like some guy who was like a janitor in the mob

And they're like, all right. Yeah, now he's going to, like, make a living off that. Just like the one son that didn't join. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My brothers were crazy. Yeah. What a nightmare to be a janitor at the mob. Oh, cheating up all that.

Oh, it's a disaster. Like, can I just unclog a toilet? Nah, there's blood everywhere. Yeah, you're going to, that's going to be your main job. It's cleaning up blood. I can't tell if this is sliced up Freddie Soso or Gabagoo. I don't know what I'm working. Slice up Freddy Soso.

Holy shit. Yeah, it's got to be... So you guys need 20 bucks, so... Yes, I'll take it. I'm the opposite. When someone gives me money, I'd be ruder to them. So they don't be my friend anymore

and I don't got to give them money back. That was... I had a couple weeks ago where somebody was like, can I borrow $50 for cocaine? And then I was like... Was it Lucas? No. It was so funny because in my mind,

I was like, yeah. And immediately after I was like, there's no way I get that money back. and immediately got it the next day. I was like, oh, wow. Surprising, yeah. I want to, it. Was it a comic?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I know who. No, we'll talk after. No, let's talk on. I got fucked in one way, dude. I totally unrelated. I was thinking of this. We had a guy walking into our building,

and we've had a huge problem with people stealing packages recently. Oh, yeah. Like, that's been an issue. Yeah. Like, I'm on alert. Like, I'm calling people out that are just walking down the street.

I'm like, are you going to fucking steal our packages? And it's just like the mailman? Yeah. I could if I wanted to. Yeah. it's getting like a great way to steal packages so dress up as a mailman oh yeah he's like an amazon shirt yes yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like why is the amazon driver taking packages sorry we delivered the wrong ones to this house yeah i got to get back into my honda civic that has an amazon sticker

on the side of it you're just taking TVs out of other people's houses you're like what these aren't even in boxes yeah but the guy walked in and he like uh So he was wearing a COVID mask, which doesn't mean anything. Like, I was like, maybe he's just safe. But he was like in his late 60s, which is very weird to live in this building. This is mostly young people because this is just a very popinary. We live above a bar. Yeah.

And he, like, wasn't let into that. So I opened the door to the building. And he like fastly came in after me. And then I was like, that's weird. I'm going to do a little. And I remember seeing packages and seeing him. And I was like, all right, if I come back and these packages are gone, this guy is a package thief. So I got to just like, I would wait outside.

What's why I did. I walked around and then I walked back and he was still on the first floor and I looked at the packages were gone and I go I mustered up some courage because I'm not one of those guys just ready to fight people. I walk up to him like Michael, this is your deed of the week You go up there and you look him straight in the eyes and I go hey man are you stealing packages And he goes, no, I was just visiting my friend. I go where the packages are right here and it was behind a corner and I look and I realize packages are still there And I was like dude, I am so sorry. I was like somebody in the building has been stealing packages. I go and he's like, no worries at all, my friend, like very nice. Sounds like a package thief, right? Yeah.

So what happens is, I'm like, he's the long game package team. I'm apologizing so much. I'm like, dude, I am literally so sorry. That was a crazy thing to accuse you. I'm just, I'm really on edge. He goes, no worries at all, man, you have a great night. I go upstairs and I tell my girlfriend, I come down two minutes later, the packages are gone. That's the guy.

And I should have known, by the way, he pointed about he goes, you mean those packages? They're right around the corner. So we had an eye on the packages already. He was like, I was looking for him. But now that you've reviewed. the package location to me. Because if someone really, if someone wasn't still in packages, I think they would have gotten way more mad at you.

I would have been like, fuck you. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And they would actually give people packages. David Busters gives people packages. Yeah, I would say stay outside. David Busters, sorry. Stay outside out front.

Because if someone takes packages out of the building, that's a red flag. It's like, why are you taking these away from where they got delivered to? Well, they always do a bag, though. Like, they always have a bag, so you can't really tell. I see. It's also like the quickly like, no, I'm visiting my friend. Like again, if someone asked me, are you taking packages and I was visiting my friend?

I'd be like, go fuck yourself. I don't need to tell you anything. I don't need to tell you why I'm here. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. But the fact that you were just like, no, have a blessed day. My young lad.

I was visiting a friend. I was like, fuck no. And almost like you're 60 years old. So you were visiting another 60 year old that lived like this very unlikely. This building. Like in East, uh, East Village, there are older people. But I was like, this. streets, but it's very young. And I'm like, I just doubting this. And it's just the fact that

you're, I mean, not that you're wearing a mask means anything, but I was like, I don't know, it's weird to first of all I was like, I guess it's maybe weird to if you're going into your own apartment building to wear a mask. But I'm like, and also the way he like, the way I opened the door and he immediately, he wasn't like, oh, can I come in? He was like, B-lined in. What if, what if under his mask he had just like package licking lips? Just like, look at the packages. He's like, I got to cover this up with a mask. I'm going to throw my cover immediately.

Let's see how much I want it. Am I drooling? Yeah, he, uh... Do you take any of your packages? No, we had somebody steal a trash can one time, which is hilarious. That's so funny. I'm like, it was like a bathroom trash can, too, so it's like literally like $15.

Yeah. That kind of makes me happy. I'm like, yeah, you fucking idiot. That's a lot for a bathroom trash can. Yeah, yeah. That's a lot. I'm going to start taking a dump in a box. Okay.

putting from Gucci Couture Or is it a Gucci Coutor Is that what's called? Sure Is it what it called? Just give it to them What's like a nice brand of

Gucci and Cotor Both nice brand They're not together Okay Yeah I was like you know Louis Vuitton Mguchin

Gucci Vasachi Yeah Would you do that And then just Have people steal my poop Like at this point Yeah It'd be so funny

But it would be sad for weeks If nobody's doing it And then my shit's just in the hallway The hallway starts to stink I've never pooped anywhere But a toilet Like I have friends who are like Really? Yeah, like pooped in the woods or like pooped on someone's doorstep. I've only ever pooped in a toilet.

And in the... From the very beginning? No diapers? I pooped in the water. Okay, when I was a kid, I grew up by a beach. So like during the summers, you and your friends, you go to beach all day. Every day is how you spend your summers. And one day I really had to, hello, take a poop. And my friend was like, just go in the ocean. I do it all the time. Right? That's kind of nasty. But... Well, it's disgusting. So I went, I had to go so bad. So I went in the ocean, like, by myself.

And I came back and I told my, we were like best friends. I told my friend. I was like, hey, man, I did it. I'm crazy. I put it in the ocean. Thank you so much. I feel so much better. And then he, to everyone in the friend group goes,

yo, Charlie just shit in the ocean. Just fucking. And everyone was like, ew, dude, get out of here. That's disgusting. Like, he fucked me. He completely fucked me. I did it in a lake once. Oh.

I think the rough part about the ocean is though the waves will just push it back to the beach. The kid was building a sandcastle. Yeah, you have to get far enough so that the tide isn't pulling you in, but then you would be dead. You would like drown out there. No, I just did. I was like maybe ankle deep in water.

Pulled the, ankle deep. Just shaking the bathing suit a little bit. Watch it fall out. No, I was like not. Having a conversation with somebody and then just hearing a plop. I love, that would be a fun sketch. It's just someone that's like, or drops

poop out. out of pants. We all go to the bathroom in the water. We all talk about it. It's like, no peeing. Not full on shitting. There's a cliff bar. You just kind of let it pop out of your bands. Yeah, I felt really betrayed that day. It's such a good

one. You should. Yeah. And I went to the pizza shop buyer place and I like took care of it and I came back out and I was like, hey. We didn't mean, took it. Oh, you wiped. Yeah, I wiped. And I was like, hey, I'm white. It killed the pizza guy. Nobody can know about this. He owed money to the mob. It was being

too nice to them. I came back out and I was like, hey guys, I'm good. And everyone was like, no, you're not good. They're just fully like, that is not the movement. I've always wanted to fuck with the comic. It's very unrelated. But like, when they bomb,

just get everybody else to be like, that was not good, man. I just have everybody like respond. Like he did something morally wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, listen, we all bombed, but that was something else. I had that one time.

It wasn't planned. They were all, like, weird about it. I didn't know what the word mongoloid meant. What does that word mean? It means, like, down syndrome. Yeah, but it's like an old term for it, yeah. Yeah, and I called a person on my improv team a monologue. And everyone just, like, stop what they were doing.

And they're like, why did you say that? It's not a good thing to say. And I'm like, oh, I don't know. I'm sorry. What was the context? What were you trying to say? I was just like a, I was like, come on, you mongloid or something like that. It was just like a joke.

It's like harder than retard. Oh. Like it's, yeah, I think it's got like real. Because like what happens is like every word they Like a lot of those words start out as the nice word. It's called the euphemistic treadmill. So like what happens like it starts out is like the word Because like what happened was like moron was like politically correct.

That was like the doctors were like, we got a moron here. Whoa. And then from there they were like that's people started calling their friends morons. Like literally the same thing happens for like hundreds of years. We're like then they're like, all right, we'll use the term idiot now. and then the term idiot becomes that and then everybody calls her... Like, this has been going on for like...

So interesting. Yeah, but it's a treadmill because then some of those words become unoffensive because they become so unassociated with mental disability. It's like, idiot, nobody's going to be like, oh, that's offensive to people with that's

because you've detached it so much from the thing. Personally, though, I... Someone calling me an idiot hurts me more than a lot of other words. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, someone called me like a... A moron? Yeah, I mean, morons, it's whatever,

but like, someone calls me stupid or an idiot I get really offended. I was hanging out with some friends the other day, and there was a mutual friend there that I didn't know very well. He was their friend. And I was like, we were playing around. We were, like, messing with each other. We're throwing insults.

You know, you are with your friends. And I guess I went too hard on this guy. I was just doing bits. And I thought it was funny. His name is Wesley. And I kept calling him West. And I mean, like, oh, is it Wesley? Which is annoying in hindsight.

But I was just like, I don't know. I was just like, filling time, you know? And he goes, oh, I guess you're just stupid then. Like, he got offended. And I had never been so hurt. Like if you sounds like an idiot Yeah But like those were idiot and stupid

I'm just like oh that fucking that really hurts See I think it depends on what you pride yourself And I've just realized I'm a dumbass And I've accepted this for so long Sure And I'm like this isn't my strongest dude I'm bad at sports I'm not smart

I'm not competent I'm not athletic Hey you're at least one of those things buddy No But I'm like I'll be silly And then I'm like yeah You know I'm fun So like I kind of take my things

Like these are the things that I'm good at And these are things I'm bad at Yeah somebody called me stupid I'm like You're on to something there's something about like because stupid and idiot are both like not curse words

yeah and so it's like if an adult can call you stupid or an idiot it feels like it has some gravitas to it you know and it feels like it's like a little bit more scientific yeah I suppose I'm calling you like a jackass a asshole and asshole you're just like yeah whatever vulgar yeah jackass

I've heard of a jackass in so long if someone called me a jackass he'd be like dude you this holds no weight this holds no weight you're a 60 year old football coach or something It's a wild thing to call. You know what I like a lot is ass hat. Ass hat's a fun one.

It's such a silly, like, because I, the only ass hat I think of is a top hat. Like, I just picture a top hat on an ass. Sure, sure. My favorite insult is to say someone sucks. Like, I guess sucks. Yeah. Because it's just so, like, everyone knows what you mean. It's like, yeah, they just, they're not fun to be around.

They're, like, not a good hanging. I like stinks. Stinks is great, too. Stinks. Yeah. I like sucks because when you say somebody sucks, it's a very specific thing. It's like that person just is,

somebody else uses word dud. Like they're like a firework that didn't work. Like this person, you're like, this guy just, because my thing is, because my thing is, because my thing is,

you can be mean if you're funny and entertaining. Yes. You can't be mean if you're also boring. Yeah. Like you've made a mean boring person. They're like, yeah, dude,

everything sucks. Yeah, but you suck. You suck. You have nothing. You're not adding, because a mean, funny person is adding.

They're creating joy. Yes. Yes. You're like, this is wild. This is what we're, out with you're completely right but just like a mean also boring

not funny person you know that guy sucks or woman or they or they I got called especially they particularly I got last day called jackasses

was to be ding dog a ditch some guy and uh... You ding dong did last night no it was at Dave and Busters it was a game you run around the corner that would be so funny to play in a New York apartment complex like you're literally just like on the same floor like crouching. They're like, I can see you.

But we're a kid and the guy the guy who's so funny because we ding-dog did it. We really knew how to do it. We're the point where we did not get somebody and come back five minutes later and just do the same person for like 30 minutes. You live in Florida where they have guns?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. Did you ever do the poop, the flaming bag of poop? I never did, but I knew that was a thing. I know people that would do poop dollar though from workaholics. They'd poop it a dollar and wrap it up and they'd watch somebody pick it up. I did a flaming bag of poop to a fish in the ocean

one time and they did not appreciate it. Imagine doing the flaming bag of poop ding dong ditch thing here in New York. Like you light the building if you just buzz a building and someone would just buzz in. She's like, I don't know who the fuck this is. I'll buzz in. And then the poop is there all night.

Someone's going to their Wall Street job at 7 a.m. and they step in the shit. They're like, what the fuck is? Yeah, it's like, I think the only people pulling this are homeless people that are just shitting on people doorsteps because that's the thing that happens to. When I lived in the West Village, I'd wake up to shit right to the left

of our stoop every single morning and it was the same consistency of shit. It was the same diarrhea every single day. Well, at least he had his diet and check. He was diet and check, yeah. Or he's just eating garbage and smoking meth. He was in the food that he had tried to scam people with earlier.

Yeah, he's like, yeah, it's still food. But with this guy, remember we did, we did we dinged on this guy probably like three times. And then this guy just goes, you guys are jackasses, you better haul ass. Oh, and then... It's like, no, it makes it... You can't say ass and then ass.

You can't say ass and ass. But one of our friends is such a good Samaritan that he was ding-dongedish people, and then he'd bring their mail to the door. He's like, I want to counteract. What I'm doing bad. That's so funny. And then one of my favorites one we did was we did this one game

where you'd knock on somebody's door and we'd see how long you'd keep a conversation going with that. We had that too, or you'd stay silent and see how long you could stay silent. It's on their doorstep. Yeah. Staring at them. We decided as kids

The top one would be like It only works in suburban houses We never did it But we're like The winner is if you could run Through somebody's house Through the back Like Ferris Bueller

Nobody ended up doing it This is like a break And entering Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah There was one year

We all started to figure out We can't do the stuff anymore I think it was like Either freshman or sophomore year Of high school When Terry got killed When Jonathan got shot in the face We were like yeah

Let's You know's funny about me in a kid is like when I was a kid ding-dong ditching, you think it's so like crazy and you're like really throwing off these adults days. But now if someone dinged on ditch me, I'd be like, okay. Like, all right. Yeah. Like you don't realize

how little it really is. Once you start to ramp it up. Sure. It's frustrating. Oh yeah. People will get mad because if you do it like four times, they'd get really. And that was for us, that's the only rush we could get. You see able to do one hit. And the next thing you know, we got it, we got to hit it four times to feel anything. You're at a meeting like an

alcoholics and I remember for ding-dong ditching. I knew it was bad when I got to the point where I was ding and ditching like five or six times every hour and still felt nothing. I've been dinged on ditched in three weeks. Everyone claps.

We realized it one year though because I remember what happened was like first off we used to just break into abandoned houses and just like do shit in there. Oh, it's fun. And the cops would occasionally just start stopping us. We're like, okay, this is starting to get, we're probably a little too old. And one of my friends

some guy We just saw some guy Coming out of his driveway My friend goes Yo let's go hang out in his backyard And we're like We don't even know And then he goes with the other friend

And they go in the backyard And then another neighbor sees them Who's one of my dad's friends And I guess he ran in the backyard And started like football Like this Like he was gonna tackle one of my friends And one of the

I don't know if they made this up later But one of them said that he was like 2005 Like whatever high school Like he named I'm not That may have just been a joke they said later, but...

I hope it's... I hope he said that. But then they just split both ways and then like... But then like somebody's parents got called and they were like, yeah, your son was the one that was running around.

My brother, yeah, what's that? Oh, I just said, we're at an hour, but finished that. Oh, yeah, my brother and his friends when they ding-dong ditch in high school and they got in, like, legal trouble for it. They got, they got like... They ding-dong ditched a lawyer,

and he's like, I'm a lawyer. What it was is they ding-don-ditch this guy, this kid's house who was like, you know, every class had the kid who would get bullied more than maybe other kids. Oh, yeah. So they didn't, why you ding-dong ditch you.

Exactly. And the parents were like so sick of their kid being bullied, understandably that they were like, we're calling the cops. Go fuck yourself. Yeah. And so my brother and his friends, they didn't get in like,

they didn't get sued or arrested, but the cops showed up and called our parents and everyone else's parents. And, you know, when you're 14 or 15 and the cops are involved, it's like a thing. And then my parents would always tell me like, you can smoke weed, you can drink.

We don't care. But if you ding-dong ditch, we will fucking, well, you. So in my household growing up, do blow, take pills. Yeah, who cares? But, like, my friends be like, let's go ding-dong-ditch. I'd be like, let's just stay here and smoke

weed. My parents don't give a, like, let's smoke illegal weed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's way fucking better than ding-dong ditching. Yeah, that always takes over. That's the next step. Guys, let's start doing drugs now. Exactly. Exactly. She's like, you can ding-nong ditch here. I like to know that you're doing it at the house.

One of the ones we did was this was one of those two where it became very serious. One of our friends liked Pikachu. And so we wrote Pikachu sucks on a letter and put it on his doorstep and rang the doorbell. And then I remember he like cried. The parents got involved.

They're like, you know he really likes Pikachu. We thought it was a silly prank. And it was just like ruined his day. It was a revelation to him. He's like, maybe he does. What do you guys want to promote? Oh, me and Leland have a podcast called The Idiots Catalog.

It's Invention Space Podcast. We have a guest on every week. We talk about silly inventions and, you know, dumb, crazy ideas that you might. Things that would never be feasible. Never be feasible. And they're all human-based. And it's on Spotify, iTunes. Everywhere you can find podcasts.

Yeah, TikTok. Follow us on Instagram at Idiot's Catalog. It's a really fucking great time. And follow me on Instagram at Charlie Dawson. And that's really, yeah, that's all I have. And I'm at Leland Comedy on Instagram and TikTok. Follow me on those. Yeah.

Perfect.