Morning Good - We're Gonna Take Over - Episode 218

Episode Date: April 28, 2024

Ryan O'Toole and Derick Gonzalez return to the show for today's episode. They talk about how good the Summer of 2020 really was, how to run a good swingers club in Florida, and Boston's Cambodian street gangs.Thanks to Derick and Ryan for coming back on the show. Check them out on previous episodes and click their links down below for more.Derick is on Instagram  @officiallyderickgonzalez, he also has a weekly event in Harlem called Brown Sugar Comedy Show. Ryan is on Instagram as well @itsryanotoole and hosts his own podcast, The Ryan O'Toole Podcast.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, very good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right. We're here with Derek Gonzalez. You. And Ryan O'Toole. And me and him, we're talking about the COVID time. Did you ever party at first place back in the?

Oh, I guess it's have to be at that. I mean, I got to beep that name. But we'll be fine. Why do you got to bleep it? Because the guy is a doctor. He's a surgeon. Well, there's probably a million people with that name. Yeah.

Nah, dude. At that level? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now, for people who don't know, dude, it's not like you told his said his race or anything. Yeah. Then it makes even more like.

Or is all I say that he's Middle Eastern or something. Or something. You know, to be fair, I don't know exactly what he is. It was. I do. What is he? Iranian. Oh, really?

Yeah. Okay. So keep it. There's two things to bleeper. Oh, wow. An Iranian doctor. There must be only one of those in New York. You know? Dude, but people that don't know, just like the premise for the audience, dude, he was like,

he was this doctor that would do open mics and he was a gastro. Great dude. Great dude. Yeah. He was a- I miss him, dude. I got to hit him up. Dude, I would love to fucking hang out with him.

I think half his sneakers collection was fake. Oh, really? That's just my, that's just me being a hater. Yeah, yeah. I was just hating so much. I used to see those sneakers. I'm like, fuck. Really?

Yeah, because he had a sneaker room. where there was another comic who... Oh, yeah. Lucas Hinderlider lived in his sneaker room. I forgot about that. He paid $1,000 a month, which is so funny, because that's where I'm paying

for, like, an actual apartment. But it's like... Oh, $1,000 a month. Yeah, they have no reason. I mean, you lived in a sick building. It's crazy because I knew someone else who lived in that same building. And it was...

Yeah, I just remembered that, actually. But yeah, $1,000. During COVID, I think I was paying like $100 a week and I had, like, a nice room. You're paying $100 a week? Yeah, someone who was on a lease and left the city. Dude, those were very common to find.

Dude, the shit that pissed me off is like, I fucking, I had that situation and my roommate was like, I don't want a rando living here. And I was like, dude, it's so retarded that I'm paying rent and living in Florida right now. Like, I was just in Florida with my parents. That's what the situation. I was in a kid left and he needed the place filled and my friend lived there. And I vanmod him $100 a week, I think. Which is enough to offset whatever.

Yeah, I could have saved like thousands of dollars because I was in Florida for six months of COVID. Really? Yeah, it was amazing. We made the most out of... Yeah, we were getting fucking... Yeah. I honestly, I barely remember COVID. Oh, yeah.

I was so fucking... We treated it every day like it was a Saturday, dude, you know? Bro. See, I got... And I came up towards the end once people started, like, September is when I came back up.

Oh, that's what people started getting professional again. Yeah, a little bit they did. The early summer in the spring, though, I mean, it was wild, bro. That shit was so fucking wild. Yeah, so I missed out all on that. What was that like?

Because that was like, you couldn't, you couldn't really do anything. I mean, it was a lot of house, it seemed like, potty's five nights a week, dude. Well, first we'll start off as like, guys, we should do an open mic to kind of keep our chops and whistle still wet. And then every sober comic relapsed over COVID, I remember that.

Everybody who was sober, because I left town for six months and I came back and I'm like, oh, you're drinking again. You're doing drugs. It's like across the board. I remember when we, one of the first times we were like really hanging out was in the park when we were drinking outside. Oh, by way, shout out to you for running that fucking. It was fun where Louis CK came up.

It was cool. I was so pissed. We were drinking in the park. And I remember that was when you were allowed to drink in the pock, dude. And I remember the cops just walking by and like, we had beers and everything. And you were, the city made a rule where you could drink in the parks in New York City. Openly. Like, we weren't no bags, no nothing.

We're sitting there blasting music smoking weed and listening to, and drinking beers. And I was like, holy shit. That sounds like so much fun. I kind of wish they kept the outdoor drinking thing. Yeah, me too. It's a stupid thing because it's like, I don't know, like everybody just drinks in other places faster. You just chug your beer faster if you have to go outside. It doesn't help anything.

True. Like the whole thing is they're like, oh, we don't want people being drunk in public, but it's like it doesn't matter. There's people doing heroin in public. Yeah. They just want to be able to tax people because they're not going to tax somebody or not find somebody who's doing heroin. They should let you drink in the park and they,

if they're going to be strict on anything, they should be strict on like littering and shit. Like you should be able to drink in the pocket, but you shouldn't be able to just make a fucking mess out of it. I think the bar don't want to select have that shit. Yeah, they have to be. Like, no, they could, come on. Let them come in here and spend their money.

Yeah, I think that's certainly a pot of it. higher amount of retail, whatever the fuck for White Claw. Yeah. Well, I remember at night even, it kind of slowed down a little bit, but like Washington Square Park used to over COVID at night was kind of gross. It was like a rave

every fucking night. Even if it was like a Wednesday, dude, it was fucking insane. Somebody with a random speaker, would a little DJ set will come out, all these white people get summoned to them. And they just start wild and throwing their arms on the air. Chris Kimback would like bark and then like on his barking shift, go fuck a girl on the park and then come

back. It was nuts. It was crazy. It was crazy. I mean, and then the protest during the day were like wild protests. Yeah, I got the Orlando protest. I went for like two days. And I was like, all right, I think I've done. Bro, it was like every day. The protest was so intense. I just remember the helicopters above the park.

And I was like, dude, they'll right on top of this shit. Like, it was fucking, bro, it was a wild time. Comedy in Florida started the week the protest started. So I did two protests. And then I was like, I got to get my shit together. I got to start doing bikes and shit. Got the bits out. Yeah, yeah.

And then there are people. show up to the like with a protest sign in downtown Orlando and like put a sign down and go do an open mic and then go back and do the protest that's hilarious whatever you got to do that was a wild ass time yeah it really was I also I feel like half the people that were protesting were just horny

a lot of them were because everybody was just practically naked and you just go you just like black loves and then you just walk out there oh yeah yeah dude it was so many dudes trying to get pussy and they did yeah I'm sure yeah yeah yeah I can't believe they did this and it was girl yeah and and and and and let's

Let's not forget the reverse. There were girls that would never bang a black dude before, but then during that point, like, yeah, we're banging black dudes now. I was like, holy. It was, that was a, I was one of my favorite. I mean, that period of 2020, the summertime was so, I mean, it was so fun, dude. White girls fucking guys from George Floyd was just drinking everywhere. It was crazy, dude.

It was so fun. It was fun, but I feel like people do forget how annoying something. Like, there was a lot of intensity when, like, oh, yeah, it was intense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, if you was really debating on Facebook, like, you weren't really outside. You know? Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. You were in your house, fucking be like, I can't believe you would say such things. I'm out there and fucking drunk on a roof. Every day. Yeah, yeah. I know, that's another crazy thing. Like, I remember being up on, like, Miles's roof. And the fact, like, none of us fell off the roof or anything, bro.

Because Miles's roof, it should be, it was like five stories. Yeah. We're fucking hammered a shit. There's no grade or anything. Yeah, this was not a roof that was meant to hang out on. Like, it was not that. It's for roof purposes. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Dude, I'm... Damn, yeah, man. It was so fun. It's crazy. I was fucking four years ago.

Yeah. More than that. Wait, wait. 20 years. The summer, yeah. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Right around this time, actually. Yeah, right around...

Right around this time, we were starting the first open mic. Yeah. It was like late May or early June. Yeah. Do you get... You might hold that a little closer. You guys... Hey, yo.

Somebody comment on one of my videos. They're like, I'm thinking about making myself a middle name. They're like, you should say, Michael, hold the mic closer good. Just because it's in every fucking episode. But do you ever think about opposite trajectories Like if COVID didn't happen, where you'd be at? Because I was wondering that comedy.

I wonder like if I would be further ahead or less further. Like I wonder if I got further ahead because other people quit because of COVID Or if I would be further ahead because I didn't take that time off. I think my style would be different because I was mumbling a lot before. We would all be. We would all have so much stage time as that we would just be all Mark Norman. Because there's so many sets that we'd always be like, that is true.

Because back, right before COVID never happened, creaking the cave probably would have never closed. or maybe it's still probably, no, I think it closed right before COVID, right? I thought it was during COVID, but. Yeah, but either way, we probably still would have had more reps. Damn, we'd be more professional. Maybe, but who knows? But our perspective on things.

My favor was my buddy said it was like Westworld where we got out of our character loop. So everybody just started doing all this. You know what is funny, though? Some of the people did this thing over COVID where they're like, you know, I'm going to do something. And then they gave up. Like there are some people that like really found a creative passion and we're like, no, I'm done being a banker. I'm going to start painting.

And then like a month, and then things open up. They're like, yeah, fuck that. But there's so many people, though, that did the opposite. And, like, I know a lot of people that realized their job was bullshit and then did cool stuff, you know. Yeah, yeah. That's true. So, and I look at it, I think I realize that, like, I don't know, I saw a lot of people get outraged about stuff and that I didn't think really affected them that much, you know, or at least didn't affect me. Like, I don't think the election of 2020 affected me that much, whether it was, like, all the, even a lot of the, I think it was good that it.

I think it was good that it opened my eyes towards certain things, but, you know, I don't really think I ever thought about it if it didn't happen because I'm like, oh, this is just fun, you know? Yeah. Wait, the next election this November? Yeah, four years. Bro, shit changes.

Another great thing about COVID that we can't state is getting $800 a week, direct deposit. Oh, it was incredible. Before COVID, I remember my roommate, he would tell me that he got fired to get unemployment and he would purposely go on the cycle. And I was like, dude, you were a government leech. And then I, since then, just as if done that.

Not intentionally got fired, but I'm like, dude, I last I was on unemployment, I did to the last fucking day. I didn't even fuck it. Yeah, you got it. You have the, whenever people say that, I, I dis, with unemployment specifically, because you look at your paycheck every week, you pay into your own unemployment. So, I think

people should be way more entitled to get their own unemployment. I don't think you should have to go through all these steps to get unemployment. Or feel ashamed to actually do it. No, it's your money. Some people feel shame to do that or get EBT. I'm like, yo, do that shit, bro. It's your money. You're paying for either way. It's your, but especially unemployment because Social Security gets taken out of your check and you get that back.

Unemployment gets taken. Like, you shouldn't have to even fight for unemployment. It's ridiculous, honestly. Yeah. Like, I get on taxes because I was on unemployment and they have it similar to 1099G. Yeah.

They're the most impossible office to reach. Like, I literally fucking have called them. I went to an office. Good luck. Good luck. It's a disaster. They won't even like leave a voicemail.

They're going, they said all of our operators are busy call back a different time. I'm like, I just can't get this fucking form. But it's hot be. But yeah, no, it was night.

I loved COVID. It was, you know, me, I wasn't affected by it. I don't know. I wasn't. Like, I wasn't, like, I wasn't affected. Like, I don't know anyone who got it and died. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know.

Not saying some people didn't, but. I'm saying on this podcast, nobody's ever died of COVID. No one that. All in hiding in Cuba. Yeah. No one that I know personally and knew died of COVID. I'll say COVID's fake on this podcast. It was definitely over.

That's a good statement to have. Yeah. Yeah. I don't believe it, but it's just, I like, I like purposely flagging episodes. Sure. Are they still doing that about that stuff? No, I have no idea.

Yeah. But I haven't, I've been having fun with conspiracies. I kind of like, uh, I think I'm going to give myself like a year of just believing all of them just to see where it puts my brain and then probably a bad place. Yeah. That's the thing. That's what I feel like. You'll wake up so angry.

Yeah. That's what I feel like was bad about COVID, dude, was, was how much, like, I took in a lot of news and a lot of information during COVID. Sure. Like, specifically. about a lot of issues in America. But some people took them in way too much and it became their entire

life and personality. Those brains are destroyed. People went crazy. We know some comics who like, I don't even follow anymore or I muted them and I'm like, because they're fucking retarded. Went like schizophrenic, dude. You know, like went absolutely mental. Yeah, I mean, it happens when you lock somebody in their house and just give internet and fucking. That's what I think. I'm like,

we were in the coolest place. We were in New York. Like, imagine how much it would suck if you were in like a shitty place, dude. You know? See, I feel the opposite because I was in Florida. So I feel like I could do all this cool outdoor shit. The last place I wanted to be was New York. No, I know, but like... It was just a different vibe.

Like, yeah. People will give you dirty looks for running without a mask, but then you'll be like, Oh, I got in fights, but I got in a fight on a train one time because a girl told me to put a mask on on the train. You fought a woman? No, this girl just girl just flipped out on me. No, this girl, she was a nurse, too. She flipped out on me. I was with my buddy, and she was, I had my mask off.

Like, I was, like, hanging on my air or something. This is, like, in the height of it. and she just immediately goes to screaming about how I should have a mask on. And I was like, get out of my fucking face, first of all. Like, leave me alone. And then she was like, and I'm like, the only reason you're yelling at me is because I know you won't hit me, bro. She's like, you don't know fucking shit. She's wearing like the nurse clothes.

Like a couple stops later, I remember I was on the sixth train. This girl walks in, dude, black girl, like looked like exactly like Britney Grina, dude, wearing no mask, right? No mask, none of nothing. I go fucking say what you just said to her. And I started getting in her face And people on the train were going crazy Bro. I'm like, you're not going to say nothing Because this girl, I was like

Not even lying, I was kind of afraid of this lady. Like I'm like, you know, we're on like 110th Street. I'm like, this lady will break your fucking, but it made people crazy. Do you think you could fake confidence in a fight where you could actually intimidate people or you think people can tell that you're actually afraid?

I think you could fake it. Yeah, you definitely can't But you can't do it on stage. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. You got to Someone calls you bluff, though. You got a, you know, that's, you know. Yeah. No, I did it. One time I did it, it was like a post, one of my friend's funerals.

And it was for just a terrible night. Like, we went to this karaoke bar. That was a lot of fun in theory. But we went to this karaoke bar. And this guy kept paying the DJ so that his hooker girlfriend could go up and sing songs. So this guy just had this big-titted hooker. She just sung like 10 songs. And my buddy goes up the DJ, who's got a gold tooth, ski goggles on his head,

fat white guy kind of looks like jelly roll. But he goes, hey, my brother just died. We're just trying to sing one song. And he goes, who gives a fuck and puts the shades on? That's hilarious. And it was so fucking funny. I was like, that is hilarious. He's like, who gives a fuck?

And it just throws these shades on it. He just keeps doing it. And then this other guy comes up to my, to my black friend. And he's like, what's up? My N word, he's a white guy. And we're like, I'm not king of whatever. So I was like, hey, you know, baby, don't do that.

And he's like, what's up? my Edmore. It just keeps what are you guys going to do about it? And just because he said that was like, we got to fight this guy. So I took a glass bottle and I walked away to show him, I didn't want to do it at him. I tried to show him I was scary. So I hit the glass bottle on the table and it wouldn't break.

And I just looked like a pussy. And then he tackled my friend and then like five of us just beat the shit out of this guy. He had like a weird DJ? No, no, no. No, there's a other random guy. We're just an angry mood. And we're just being the shit out of this guy. We're like, this has nothing to do with you. Yeah. But he had one of those berets.

with the communist star on it. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah. And then my buddy takes his hat and puts it on what we're like beating

the shit out of this guy. That's funny. And it's very funny because like I'm yelling at this guy is like, don't call him the N-word, you faggot retard.

It's just such a hilarious this is in the bar. This is outside the bar, which is just so funny. And then I'm kicking this guy with my friends whose dads are gay while calling this guy a faggot

just because that's just what I was feeling. Part of me's like, I'm not humble. It's just this guy. That's just kind of whatever. And they were like, we got it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, his dad's worth it. That would be funny. For being the shot this guy, too. But, uh,

no, I was just like an emotional things of words come out. You don't necessarily, not the best choice of words, but, but it was just one of those things too where we were like,

oh, this has like literally nothing to do with you, right? Yeah, just getting all the frustration out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't a lot of people in Florida,

like just have guns? Can't you just walk around with a gun? Yeah, dude, so many. So I feel like you would have to really be careful about getting in a fight, like, outside of a bar room in Florida, right? You probably do, dude.

I've seen more bar, I don't, I don't we go out to bar this year as much, but I saw a lot of bar fights back there. Also, like, my last trip to Florida was just, like, fucking bad decisions. But is it really raining? Does it happen down there, though? I'm happy that you had a good time. Yeah, yeah. Does it happen down there, though?

It has to. Well, people just pull out their guns and do a Mexican showdown? Where they get in a fight? Like, someone gets in a fight, and then they just pull out a gun. Yeah, I think it does. Hold a gun on somebody. but like I feel I don't know how often it happens I don't know I off the top of my head I remember happening one time I but I got knife pulled out in this place called Knights Library which is like a college bar

There's most it's either it's like really sketchy people and 15 year olds like there's it's a weird actual Yeah yeah because like they don't they're are we talking about 15 15 or we're talking about the cool 15 we would know What was the cool 15? The ones I'll just look old as fucking be like yeah Yeah, kind of could get in here. Oh yeah so it was like we would go I wouldn't go on 16 but I'll go on maybe 60 we'd definitely go we were like 17 and shit like that because we all had fakes but um yeah i guess some guy pulled a knife on my friend and he had like some sort of civil war gun that he like pulled out of his car and like pointed at the guy but um yeah no a lot of my friends are really dumb like that with

like it's just like i don't know last time dude there's this picture of me i every time i'm in a group chat i throw a picture of me with a gun and like cool sunglasses yeah hell yeah it looks it's dope as fuck yeah it's cool it's just me at like fucking 4 a m yeah it's cool i remember i was in north Carolina, I was driving down south. And I remember just the guy in the gas station, the dude who worked in the gas station was like putting drinks in the fridge, like stalking the coolest, and had a fucking huge piece on him, dude.

And I was like, I saw it. I was like, God, I'm like, who's going to act up in this gas station? While the guy who's not even the cashier has a fucking massive gun on him. Well, and also, I think it's like different, too, because I think maybe if you're here, though. And he was allowed to do it. It's not like it's illegal. You know what, though? You know what I think might happen.

I don't know a lot because I say I don't go out as much. in New York. So I don't really, because I'm doing shows here and then I get more fucked up when I go back home. But I think maybe here, because guns are so illegal, if you have a gun, you might be less likely to get into physical altercation versus there where it's like, if you get caught with a gun,

you're like, oh, I can legally have this. So if you get a fistfighted at a bar and you have a gun on you? Oh, yeah, yeah. You don't want to do none of that shit. No way. You're like, especially this box. Yeah, yeah. Like even like, what was it? Like two weeks ago, somebody like there was a fight that somebody shows that it was in the Lower East Side.

And then, like, I don't know what was happening. There was a fight upstairs. We went outside. The guy's, like, drunk and belligerent, and he's cursing out the bartender. They got into a fight. They were just watching him kind of, like, lose his mind. Then he calls his family and, like, a bunch of more Puerto Ricas come. And then at nowhere, he just jumps on the bartender again.

Everybody tries to, like, kind of stop it. One of my friends tried to, like, chokehold the guy to, like, try to tell him get off. He got thrown off by a big dude. And then another guy comes out of nowhere just puts his hand in his, like, satchel. He's like, I'll blow all y' y'all. He's like, I'll blow all your heads up. And then me and another comic look to him is like, do it. Because it's just like, we know it's so illegal.

Like, why are you wasting your time here? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where there's so many witnesses. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to pull that shit out at least, or allegedly from what I think, is, uh, you just got to do it with, like, more secure area. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just dumb here. They don't even let you have a fake gun in this city.

I try to order in, like, a fake gun. For what? They don't. I just tried. That is a funny sentence. They don't even let you have it. They don't, like, not the one, not like, you can't get, like, a BB gun that looks real. you know, like some people...

Yeah, it kind of makes sense, but... Yeah, but, like, you... I guess for acting purposes, it's kind of hard. I wanted to do it just to make a dumb video at my house. I'm like, oh, let me get a gun that looks real. And every time I went on Amazon and clicked order, it was like, you can't... In your state, blah, blah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I almost bought a gun in college, because what happened was, like, I was going downstairs, and there was this guy, this, like, pimp with his whore. Or he was just a guy that was dressed very cool. But he had, like, this girl by, like, her wrists, And I was like, hey, get out of here. And he, like, ran away.

But in my mind, I was like, I couldn't fight that guy. So my mind immediately, I'm, like, looking into guns the next day. Is it easy to get a gun in Florida? Super easy. Really? You just go to the store? I mean, I think it's like you, I don't know. My brother's going to listen to this episode.

I think you just want to have a, you just have to have a paper that says, I want a gun. Yeah, yeah. And they be like, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think they do have some sort of mental health background checks. But I think it's like... Because in Massachusetts, it takes what you got to go to, like, the police station and, like, go through like a whole process.

I think it depends on the kind of gun you want. Like I think it's like I had friends that would get guns with fake IDs at like a gun shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My boy lives up, I forgot where like close to Bocca Raton, but like more towards the swamp area, I guess. So he has a whole bunch of guns and he just goes shooting boars. So that's awesome. He's like, anytime you want to come up and shoot some boars, I was just like, okay. It kind of gets me super hyped up.

I kind of, I think it's like a salt. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, I'm kind of even more hype. Dude, that's like my friends have the craziest. It's like fucking, dude, they have like fucking, I don't know anything about guns, but they're cool looking ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The ones that go piao loud.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The funniest was I was in North Carolina of doing a comedy festival there and went shooting. And it's funny, me and you know, Bailey Pope. Yeah. So it's just me and like a trans woman shooting AR-15s. And I'm like, this is great. People would think this wouldn't be a friendship.

See, Bailey Pope, though. It wouldn't shock me if Bailey Pope had guns in the crib, though. you know what? Bailey Pope's like she She's a real nigga, man. She's metal as fuck as the kids say, bro. She's cool, dude, you know? The guns are...

But I think that's such a misconception because I think I know like a lot of conservative people that think they're like, oh, the trans. It's like, no, a lot of them are fucking cool motherf- They're just... You've just seen some people in the news that you don't fuck with and now you're like, oh, this is all trans people.

Yeah, the trans community or whatever, the P. P.R.'s dog shit. Yeah, yeah, that is true. The gay community was the same thing for a while, too. Every gay person on television or whatever was like this flamboyant homo, honestly, who was like annoying. Where, like, when you met

dudes or girls that are gay. Yeah, you're like, oh, these people are fucking cool, dude. Like, they weren't, like, like, cool lesbians on TV for, like, the longest time. You know what I mean? Or same with gay dudes. Every gay dude.

But see, I like all kinds of, I do, I do like a flamboyant gay guy. It's so fine. I'm not saying that. I'm just talking about, like, the... The stereotype. Yes. Yeah, but it gets minimized to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 100%. It's like that's not all it is. That's not most of it, honestly.

I know the gay guys I call all the gay guys fags. Yeah, yeah. Jay J. Every time. Yeah, yeah, that's him always. Literally my cousin's like that all the time. He'd be like, I don't fuck with them faggots. He's like, he'll say like that with a list.

I'll be like, I heard you. Gotta hype him up. Yeah, but I think that's the thing where everybody just wants to like, you think, I mean, your brain just wants to categorize shit. And you start thinking like this, this people think this way, this things like that. Yeah. it's just yeah but i think it's like it it when television and like shit does it and like puts it out

there it makes things i don't know i don't know it's just the whole thing's fucking retarded i don't think it's like that anymore though you know yeah at least as much you know because now i feel like we know that there's like buch lesbians and like there's just too much different things that like people don't even can't even keep up with yeah there's a lot going on you know tons going on yeah one this is totally off topic but the next guest I'm trying to have my podcast for weird guest is I reached out to the guy who has the biggest penis in the world. Yeah. Just to have him as a guest.

How big is it? Dude, it's like 13.5 or something like that. Okay. That's what he says. White guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. White power. Joe.

That's all I can say. I'm like, all right, guess. Jonah Falcon is his day. It's so funny too because, like, at first it said this is a real name. Yeah, yeah. At first it said this is a self-proclaimed biggest penis. Like, well, okay, if he's not showing it, that's crazy. The guy would be like, I just have the biggest penis.

He's just telling every single person He's like, no, I am the biggest Beatist of the world. But he like, I reached out to on Instagram He had like 6,000 followers. He's like, yeah, I'll do the podcast. I'm like, fuck yeah. Did he say in his Instagram bio?

I have the biggest dick in the world? No, he says average guy in most ways. So where did he go? That's a son of a modest guy right now. Where did he tell people that he has the biggest dick? Was he like, oh, I've seen pictures. Like, he's gone fully. It's fucking ginormous.

The guy in the post the other day he was talking about he had like the biggest dick in England or something. Yeah, that guy was so funny because you're such a shy guy. You saw that? He's all, yeah, he's all got the biggest penis. He's all, I'm a little nervous. The kids, it was nervous, all took showers. They make fun of me for having a biggest pain.

You guys are the only two guys I could talk about dick in front. I would be like, all right, this is comfortable. Anybody else have to be like, hey, yo! Oh, yeah. But you guys, I'm like, I love it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's, I mean, Patty's, like, nervous about it. He's like, dude, I don't want that guy in the apartment.

Why? He's going to break everything with his dick. Yeah, yeah, Patty thinks the guys just going to come in and bully him. him and be like, you fucking small dick, a little bitch. Like, Like, I start kicking lampshades over. He's like,

this is my apartment. He's like, he's like mad, calm and text, but like in real life he's like, he'll suck my dick right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is my apartment. Y'all are fucking out.

But he probably gets like crazy only fans messages. Like apparently, he has only fans. No, but I'm saying only fans models all the time are like, come fuck me and shit. If you have the biggest dick,

like, that's like, that's an easy sell. It's like a freak show probably though, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I was watching a documentary about that too. interesting because it's like all the people that were in the freak shows got mad it was kind of like the early uh 1900s woke culture took out freakshould like literally they were like it was one of those things where they were like oh uh society was like freak shows are bad and the freaks were like no no

we want to be on the freak shows like i'm a bearded lady this is the only thing i fucking have this is like 1901 i'm not going to work in a fucking office i can't be an accountant yeah and then people are like no you can't do freak shows they're like the meaning and then they just got rid of all of them Damn. Yeah, but it is tough too because it's like, and I think roller coasters also took over,

but it was like, Barnum and Bailey used to be like, wait, you told me that fucking bearded lady lost her job to a fucking king to car? Yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, which is fair to. Like, it was a big, it was a combination of both those things. It was people complaining and then also like,

yeah, dude, I want to be on a roller coaster. I don't want to look at a guy with two heads. It's fucking weird. And the other ones kind of sleep at that he's dying. Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I think those people get so adapted to it where it's like, like the two-headed chick. Yeah. What,

they just got married, right? Yeah. I did hear something about that. I heard they have like two. Listen, no, I think they still have one vagina. No,

they got one vagina. Yeah, I heard one of them sleeps when the other one gets fucked. I don't know if that's rape. And how this sister gives it like a Zan. She's like, you'll take this.

I'm about to get pounded out. Yeah. It's just weird. The person who wants to fuck them is, I think, weird. Yeah, totally. I would never do that. Like,

I get them. I get them. A heartbeat. I get them. Yeah, but it's... I think it's strange. Fucking them is weird. It's weird.

Fucking them is weird, but getting your dick sucked. That's kind of cool. Both of them. But then one of them has to just like turn their head. I just imagine both like, I know, I can't do this angle. She's like, don't work for it. Yeah, or one could lick your asshole while the other one sucks your dick.

Have you guys ever seen one of those types of people in person? Nah, one of two-headed? Oh, I saw a bearded lady at... No, I'm talking about a two-headed person. Oh, there's bearded women. Yeah, we've really. We're in the heart of them right now. Yeah.

Yeah. Taking fucking testosterone and all this other shit. I think they're called Hasidic Jews. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's the one. I think all. Yeah, just fucking bow.

Yeah. They have their beers, literally. Like, literally would have their beards. Some of them are really hot, though. Not with the beard. Yeah. I knew it has. Yeah.

Some of them, I knew one. And it's wild. You just see one. And then your husband's this, like, just giant fat guy with the curls. Like, how does this work? And then you find out. He's worth $9 million. And you're like, oh, yeah.

In EBT. Well, when I first moved here, I thought it was like fucking, I thought they were like the Amish. So I thought they were like not. And then I just saw one around the court. When we went to this, I just saw one like 10 minutes ago with the big hat on. Of course. They're all around here.

I was telling him, some girl invited me to a fun hat party. I'm like, how funny it would be? She'd probably do a Jewish guy's house. She just misheard what was going on. She's got a spitty hat on. But that's crazy. One time I was walking around Brooklyn and then I was a Friday night. what is it called Shiva some shit

Shiva or you know Yeah the holidays or whatever It was one of their shit And then I'm walking and they're just like Excuse me Can you turn on our lights and air conditioner for us? Oh yeah And I went into that house and then I was just like mad

Like I was like I either I feel like I'm gonna get taking advantage of somehow But they were just super nice I just turn on all their lights And they'll be like one more light And then they just give me like a bunch of pound cake And not nice They're like I'm not gonna give you money

But he wants a pound cake And I was like sure I love their fucking looling that shit I've heard there's a thing where, like, some of them, I don't know if any of this is true, or if I just hung out with too many anti-Semitic people. But there's something with, like, the toilet paper where I heard that they can't rip toilet paper

or something, they have to like pre-ripe their toilet paper beforehand or something because that counts as work. I don't know. Oh. But it's like, what do you define his work? You know what I mean? It's like, that's tough because I was turning a light on. That is very funny because you tell somebody to try that,

what's there's been you telling somebody to do something and you actually doing it. That's just an extension of your arm. If you ask somebody to do something, you were still doing the thing. Yeah. Because if you weren't there, the lights wouldn't be turned on.

I don't know how that works. It's also this weird kind of idea that God hates electricity. I don't know why every religion there's some subsect that think God just hates technology for some reason. Yeah, I remember,

because I didn't, I don't know, I still don't really know too much about them, but I remember reading a thing about those Jews who can't use electricity on Saturdays, and they're talking about, this one family lived on, like,

the 30th floor and like this penthouse of pop, this crazy building, and they're like, they couldn't take the elevator up. But, and I'm like, dude, that's crazy.

crazy, dude. Do they just do like a Jew ladder? Yeah, I'll just get onto their shoulders. But that tendency should kind of has worked too. Yeah, yeah. The whole thing, I'm like, I gotta get one on the pot. I got to ask my land. Honestly, like, you should. You should. Well, I thought I knew, because I know that, yeah, I mean, I don't know. I love the spot. I've hung out with a few of the Jews that are like, I don't want to say, I don't know how to describe them because there's like different types, you know what I mean?

But they weren't like so, so hardcore. But I did, I went to a place one time. So there's orthodox and there's acidic. I think orthodox. Orthodox is a step before Hasidic. Yeah, yeah. And they're hardcore. And Jews that aren't Hasidic fucking talks so much shit on that. I went into this one place and these people, they had different refrigerators. So like, was it meat and eggs or something or cheese?

I don't think they could be in the same. Yeah. They had two in the kitchen, though, two giant refrigerators, two different stoves so they wouldn't even cook everything in the same place. Like everything I was like, because I was like, what the fuck is going on in here? Yeah. There was no, when I was at this place, it was an acting thing. There was no Jews there.

And I go in there and I'm like, what the fuck is all? I'm like, this house is just like something's different about this house. I don't know what it is. And then the guy who owned the place came back later. He's not like bored out of that one scene. He's just realizing he's in a Jewish house. He starts freaking out. Well, I didn't.

Because it was like, I was like, why is there two fringes? Why is there two stoves? Like, I wasn't like putting it together. You know what I mean? And then I'm like, oh, shit. I was like, okay. Yeah, like, super Jewish. Like, you know what I mean?

but yeah, I wonder if they can do the problem with the podcast is I always want to get these weird guests on and they listen to the last episode and I'm like, come for J's and they're like, I don't want to. You know what I mean? I feel like I'd have to disguise

I'd have to make a fake episode send it to them and make it just like a serious show and then yeah, I don't know. But if they have a sense of human they'll have fun. Yeah, exactly. They'll get one of these kids

off the corner for Christ. I'm not going to lure a Hasidic child, child. You said, child into my apartment. Well, I feel like they have, I feel like a lot of those kids They're shitheads.

I've seen a lot of those kids, like the kids who walk around, handing you the leaves or whatever and say, are you Jewish or whatever? Yeah, yeah. I've seen those kids. Oh, I get that old.

They're Chinese guy. Like, how do you not do? Shitheads, though. It's like, you see those kids screwing around. Like, when I lived in Crown Heights, I lived around a bunch of them. And I'm like,

oh, these kids are shitheads the same exact way. Me and my buddies was shithead. Like, throw it. I remember I saw a bunch of them throwing beer bottles and smoking cigarettes one time. That's awesome.

I was like, I'm not going to take a picture of it, but I'm like, I'm never going to forget this. This image is amazing. They just shithead 14-year-old kids, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, yeah, there's no difference. You know what I mean? It's like they just shit-head kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we think of them differently because they dress so differently. They speak differently. Yeah. I heard these Jews one time speaking Yiddish. I never heard that. But it's always speak because they don't speak Hebrew. I never heard. That's their Ibonics.

I never heard Yiddish before in my life. These were like two old people. And I remember asking a kid, I was like, I was with a kid from Israel. and I was like, what is that? I'm like, it doesn't sound like when you talk with your fucking, he's like, no, that's Yiddish. He's like, they're speaking Yiddish. He's like, I don't even know that shit.

You know what I mean? I was like, whoa, I was like, that's, it's cool to, I never heard that language before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be a fun thing just to learn. Where else would you hear it other than like Brooklyn, New York or like fucking, I don't know. What if you just learn it?

And all you hear is, we're going to take over. Is we're going to take over different tones? Like, we're going to take over. We're going to take over. We're going to run. I have a ton of banks banks, banks running things, media. Tons of respect for those people. A ton of respect for those people.

Oh yeah, dude, they're fucking like, I just didn't know. I thought they were just like the Amish. It was way off. They're like serious business people. I've never seen, I've still never seen Amish people. I've seen Amish person one time in Pennsylvania just driving through Pennsylvania. I was just like, what the fuck? They're on horse or something?

Yeah, hell yeah. I was like, yo, they doing it. And then we just still like drove past them way fast. than they'll ever travel in their life. I'd never seen one before. Yeah, we drove with like a Mennonite or like we didn't drive with him. What's that?

It's like a, it's like the, it's like the step below. They're less intense than, uh, whatever you call them. Amish people. Yeah, and what they were saying was like,

I guess my dad talked to him. He's like, oh, you got a car. He's like, you got a car. You need this, you know that.

Just kind of like the same basic argument that just life's really complicated. But also like, I think if I was in that sense, I would stand behind it always. Because I'm not going to be like, this is fucking stupid. Like, no matter what,

you have to justify whatever life. Every single person has to justify whatever life choice they've chosen. I do the same thing. I go, yeah, I'm like a shithead comedian

who like fucking has no money and all this shit. And I'm like, it all makes sense because I'm living the greatest life possible. It's like, some of that's a lie. Like, sometimes it's great,

but it's like no matter what you're doing, yeah, yeah, you can go take a piss. But sometimes you're just trying to justify what you live because you can't randomly just be like, this is stupid.

But some of them do because people break off all the time and they're like, I got shunned by my family because it is really fucked up culture That's stuff, yeah I heard they let them do like this thing where they turn 18

They're just like, yeah, they'd be like go out explore. That shit is, that shit sounds amazing. There was an MTV true life. Remember that show?

Yeah, it was an MTV True Life episode of that with Amish people who got to do their week off. Yeah. Their spring break, they're one and only. And I don't think any of,

I think only one person left. And I think the big thing was like the fear of not being able to be with your family again. But shrooms. Yeah. I think it's, I don't know. I mean, think about it.

If you can't talk to you. You can always have your family back with shrooms. You know what I mean? You'll hear her voice somehow. You'll look at the grass. So much of I feel like so much that shit is being afraid of what you don't know, you know. Yeah, the known is scary. Well, it's so crazy.

You talk to some people because, like, I have a fucking easy life. You talk to people that come to like Russia, you're from Russia or Ukraine. They're like, yeah, I left my whole family. Like, it's such an insane thing. Like, it's like, I felt that way moving to New York. But I visit my family like seven times a year. And I'm like, oh, it's not that bad. I remember we're in the museum.

I was really nervous when I first moved here. I was kind of sad. I was like, oh, I've left so much behind. And then I'm like reading about like the fucking people that came over from England. Not that.

I'm like, oh yeah, they left like everything. I moved to Jersey. My mom was just like, are you okay? Yeah. Four miles away.

I was in Jersey City. All I took was like two stops. I would have been right back at home. But I know some people are just like scared of like that little disconnect shit. Yeah. Well, it's like, I moved here knowing one person. I knew Dan Carney that was it.

Didn't know a single other person living in New York. But then you didn't know that you were a fucking, fucking beautiful social butterfly. Yeah, yeah. It was terrible. I remember the first day I moved here. I drank a cup of coffee. I got into my apartment. And I was like, listen to New York. Get off the airplane. I'm like, this is my sea. And then all of a sudden, I just like freak that. I had the biggest fucking. Really? My heart's racing. My apartment's like completely shitty. I go to the first open. I just bomb a bunch of, I think the first open, Mike was at the lantern. I did three the first day I got here. I did the lantern. I missed that place. I wish it was still

that place. I wish it was the lantern. Me too. Yeah. Not the place I don't want to name. Yeah. And then I, people can look it up. Then I went to like some coffee shop open mic and like bombed. And I did a much like, you're really hacky porn material. Yeah. Carney was my only friend in town and Carney goes, yeah, man, if you want

to get booked, you can't do jokes like that. And I just felt so alone in the city. I was like God damn it. Yeah. Oh yeah, because I met Carney. When did you start? You started? Like, when did you move here? I'm, I visited here 2019, then I visited here 2018 for like three months

over the summer and then I moved here 2019. I think I definitely met you during that time because I was hanging out with Dan a lot around that time. So I probably met you a couple times. I just don't remember the exact time we met. Yeah, I just felt so and I hated it so much. I remember the first time you invited me to your apartment. It was me, Kiam, and we was just pre-gaming with you

in another person. Was it the one in the house kitchen? It was the one. Actually, no, maybe. No, the Hell's Kitchen one, it was me in another comic, but that shit was fun too. Well, the first house cage one was just a railroad apartment where there was no living room area. It was just a hallway. No, it was definitely the one with the

railroad one. We was hanging out a lot more. Yeah, yeah. I tell people, I would just have chairs inside my hallway. Yeah, go, come over and hang out because I still wanted to have friends. Oh, dude, it was like, the bed would touch wall to wall. Yeah. Yeah. It's something like, because I was like a life, a month of my, or like six months of life, I'm like, bro, I live in fucking poverty.

My parents were a major of a country club, and I'm like, bro, I was Like, I would love listening both of you guys, like, stories when you guys moved to New York because I'm born here. I'm just like, I'm like, how the fuck you guys are you moving here? I didn't know anyone. I didn't know anyone who was here, but I was like- You didn't hear you want to be an actor, right, before you wanted to stand it. Yeah, I went to acting school and it was like, I remember like I moved here probably two weeks before school started two or three weeks. And it was so fun because, like, I'd been to New York before, but like, I would just come down for like two or three days.

I'd come a lot as a kid, dude. I used to go. Do you remember? the fun while. Do you remember the funwa buses? Yeah. I used to take the fun like the Chinatown buses from Boston and New York. Like we did it a couple times as a kid where I wouldn't even like tell my parents and shit. We would leave at like 6 a.m. Like oh, I'm going on my friends. And the buses was so cheap. They were like. So you would leave boss without telling your parents you're going to New York City? Yeah. And we'd go,

we'd go all day like 12 hours, 14 hours and like kind of wander around and then go back. And then just come in for the night. It was like, my mom just thought I was out all day, fucking around. That's so insane. So. You could have been starting a business in New York. That's what you would do.

Instead, we would just like, fuck around. And then, like, when I got a little older, like, I would go to, like, the thing I'm most grateful I got to do in New York was go to the original Yankee Stadium. Because it was the most New York place I've ever been in my life. Like, I was a fucking, it was amazing to see games there. It was, like, cool. But, like, I never, like, but then when I,

moved up here. I was like 25 and I'm like I had like a two, like I said, two or three weeks. I didn't have school. I was just wandering around the city and it was so, I kind of liked not knowing anybody, you know, because then I was like, I knew I wasn't worried about making friends because I'm like, I'm going to go to school. I'm going to be there for like 50 hours a week. I'm going to not have to attempt to make friends, you know, so I had a good time, dude. I moved. I remember the first apartment I lived in for the first like year I lived here. I was in Washington Heights. And it was like different in the sense it was Dominicans but like it wasn't that much

different than like other neighborhoods I've lived in a new about you know what I mean it was like it really wasn't like that different it was an urban environment don't you guys have like Asian hoods in Boston where there's a certain like it's a couple yeah I mean really specific kind of Asian islander I don't know what you call it Asian island

I think they're called Pacific Islanders bro not sure about that there's some sort of thing where it's like somebody told me out of this neighborhood Boston like in the fight or what neighborhood is that? The fight that's Lull Massachusetts maybe it's there somewhere that's somebody was talking about how they have like Indonesian gangs or something like that. Oh, bro.

For Cambodians. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's some, yeah, there's like some wild ass. Yeah, and throughout Massachusetts,

throughout New England, really, but Massachusetts is specifically, like the crazy Asian gangs. I don't think there are Cambodias in Orlando. No, they're Cambodian.

Like, bro, they're no fucking joke. Like, they're not. I like that I'm trying to, like, bring up,

like, a fun topic, like different races. They're not. They're not. They don't play around. You're done. bro, these people come from a wild-ass place, and they're, like, real gang members.

That's, like, the realist, like, gang members, I would see what those kids. That's crazy, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I moved to the side. So, you know, I lived in the city and the suburbs, and there was a kid who lived near me in the suburbs, but he was, like, a gang member in Boston. And I remember one time, like, I was walking home from school. This is in the suburb, like, I don't know, half an hour outside the city of Boston. And it looked like a SWAT raid.

And I remember it was all Boston. Boston police cars and like paddy wagons and stuff. And I'm like, what are they doing here, dude? We're not in the city of Boston. And this kid was getting taken out for something. But yeah, they're like a, yeah, they're like a gang. Yeah, there's a lot of those. And they fight amongst each other.

And I don't really know how it works. But did you guys also have the same thing like in New York on Halloween? We'd like, the gang initiation. You guys had that there? Not as much. I've talked to a lot of kids from New York who would talk about that. Like, oh, they wouldn't go to school or like wear a certain color or something shit. But, like, kids would fuck off.

Like, a Halloween was, like, kids would always, like, get beat up and stuff. It was a lot of, like, it was a pretty violent day, I would say. But I don't think it was to the degree New York is. I've heard that when New York, like, you're going to get jumped into the bloods and not know it when you go to school. You know, that's a funny thing to get jumped in, but not know. And you're like, oh, this is nice. You guys like me.

Just have, like, no idea. They're doing their recruiting. They're just like, he'll be good. Isn't that kind of what it was? No, you would, basically, you'd help somebody get recruited. They'll slash your face. They'll give you a buck 50. and then after they do that they'll be like

all right you're in because you fucking slash some random person's face. So that guy doesn't That guy doesn't get initiated. That guy didn't get initiated. The other guys just look at him like, oh man. It's like sign of the application for him. That's basically what happens with your face. Well, the interesting thing I think about this stuff is like we had a kid

by us who he was like this white redhead kid and he's dating my ex-girlfriend at the time who was like I always started dating this girl in sixth grade and then seventh grade she got a new boyfriend and they're like oh dude her ex like he does heroin he's in the bloods and all this stuff. And I'm like, fuck that.

I knew it was a lie, but I realized, like, kids can, like, just look up gang initiations and start their own chapter and now just be like, they're not really in it,

but, like, they can easily just be like, oh, I'm in- a subsection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got my ass kicked in school one time because I told some kid he wasn't,

he was, like, he was, like, pretending to be a blood or whatever, and, of course he wasn't, you know what I mean? But, like, him and, like, him and, like, I had never had a shot,

you know what I mean? I was like, you guys aren't real gang members. You just pretend in. And then I went, one day, one day I was walking into school dude. And like, I just, from behind, I just fucking, like, got, I just got jumped in a hallway in school. I was like, oh, fuck, dude. I'm like, I should have just probably kept my mother. But I kept talking shit afterwards because I was like, they're not real gang.

They're not going to kill me. They'll beat the shit out of me and then make fun of me for that. But I'm like, yeah, you guys are, you guys on real gang members, you know? Yeah, that's probably the most you can hurt them is making them feel like they can't. Yeah, definitely. Because it's like, that's their most prideful thing. If you're calling somebody a pussy while they're beating their shit out of you, it's kind of like... Yeah.

I got my ass kick, though. I really caught a beating. But I love... But going back to it, like, moving to New York was fun because it's like, there's so much shit here. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, Boston's like a major city and shit, but it was like, I'm going to just wander around, like, China Town, Washington Square. Hot.

I had the tow right out of the Patriots clothes out. Draft night. Big night for the Patriots, you know? But it was fun moving here, you know what I mean? because there's so much different shit here. And it was also nice to just not be in fucking Massachusetts somewhere, you know? 25 years was enough. Yeah, I did this.

I did 22 years in Florida. I was like, I got to get the fuck out of it. Yeah. I did six months in Florida. I was like, I'm good. Why'd you live down there? I was just, like, right after college. And I was just like, I did not.

Where did you go to college? I went to college at John Jay, so criminal justice. Oh, yeah, yeah. So it's down on 59th. But then after like, around college, I was just like, I'm done. I just wanted to work with my dad to make money real quick. Yeah. and just hang out with him.

And that shit was just so weird because it was just like, looking back, the area that my dad lives in, he was just like, all right, there's like little mall strip and shit. He was like, all right,

people are going to always hang out around there. There's a little gun place you could buy right there. And then, like, there's a weird club. And that's how my dad would say it. And then I went back with my girlfriend recently. I'm like, oh,

this weird club's a swingers club. Yeah. I was going to guess gay, but, okay. It's funny, too, because I've said it's Florida, they're so funny because they're,

like, oh, no, we're swingers. We're not one of those gay polyamorous New York. It is fun. I like that they make it not gay to have somebody fuck your wife. But here they're all like, it's like, we're so open and different. And there they're like, no, no, we're a good Christian family. That just likes fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We just like fuck it. But honestly, it was the funniest thing because now I'm looking back at my dad's area because, like, it was hood on one side. You could go late night and then that swingers club would just be there. It would be open. And then you just see like a lot of like overweight Spanish women going in with their like overweight husbands. Dude,

that's awesome. Just fat Latina's getting sucked off by younger people. I'm just picturing just ginormous. Just like literally like Gabriel Oglacius Fluffy. Yeah, literally. With his, I don't know his wife looks like, but just pictures just a giant,

too, fat Latinas. It was literally that, like me and my girlfriend are so intrigued because we almost went in, but then we're less like, nah, let's not go. Because then,

you don't come out. We're not coming out the same. And then we just, the best thing we did was just, look of reviews afterwards. Yeah, yeah. And it was just like, it's dirty, but the food is okay. And it's like, what the fuck?

Well, it's funny, dude. They had a buffet, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's a thing, apparently. I, uh, it's weird because it's like, I wonder if like, uh, you are like, you know what? I'm building a swingers club. Or if you build a nightclub and you're like, it just becomes that. Yeah, you're like, this is just a fucking suck in place. This is just what happened to happen at this place.

Yeah, it was dimming wet enough. I'm sure both happen. You know, I'm sure both happen. I would do like, you know how, like, you know how, like, you would probably hurt a little bit more if you made a swingers club and it wasn't cool. You know what I mean? Please, please swap wives in my place and they're like, no, your vibe is off. You guys only have fucking

lemon chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no zebra couches in here. That's why I feel like it's the best, because it's like anything else, the best shit happens organically. So it's like it's probably just a place where like oh, people just start, like I think all those places in Greenwich Village that were like the original gay places and stuff like that. I don't think

those were intended to be like gay boss. No, they just became gay. Yeah, exactly. Because, yeah, gay started hanging out there. And they're like, you can bang dudes in the freezer. And they're like, where? Yeah, I think I think so. The shit that lasts, it's like, but yeah, I mean, I'm sure that people try doing it.

I bet you the best, I bet you it's like the rich swingers. I bet you it becomes like one of those things where, like, you get bummed out if you don't get invited to a certain event. It turns into like middle school all of something. You're like, I didn't get invited to the swingers party. That's like the sleepover and shit like that. How did you didn't get in? I'm like, you're pretty cool. Yeah, I think you guys are trying to hype you up.

I don't know. I think I came on his wife's face too much. And now I'm not invited to anything. You're juizzing some guy's carpet. Florida just like, or you're just like, is my wife not hot enough? Yeah. Oh, that's good. Everybody keeps telling me I could get in, but is my wife?

I love her, but I guess they can't see that. They can only see the outside. Is Florida what? I said Florida seems like the craziest place in America. It is, but it's also like, I don't know. I got to get down there, dude. Bro, it's fucking fun. Well, there's a lot of things that I don't realize they're crazy until I was talking about it.

It's like, someone who's like, how much often did you go to the theme parks. I was like all the time. And I'm like, oh, I think this has actually led to a level of depression in my life because I had so much dopamine as a child. Like, it was like, I was going to theme parks, going down water slides. Yeah, you motherfucker's had Disneyland. Jet skiing, going to the beach. And then I, like, I'm like, I'm going to fucking kill myself. I'm like, this is horrendous. It was just a steep drop off from what. The fun of New York is just different. Like, and like, is we do great with bare minimum. Like Dominican guys would, they don't spend money at the club. They'll park their car out in front of the club, play their music, smoke hooka.

and they'll still have fun and only spend $60. Yeah, but don't say it's bad to city, but just be smart about it. You just have, bro, like, literally even taking the train. I say that, but I'm like in credit card that right now. I'm like, you can be fine. I'm like, no, I owe $3,000 right now. Nothing, bro. You can find somebody on the street that'll fix that for you.

It'll end up being worse, but it'll lose my fucking toes. One of the coolest things when I moved to New York, I moved here in September 1st. I remember it was, bro, it was like 102 degrees. It was hot as hell. and I remember all the fucking fire hydrants were open on the street. I was like, that's so, I'm like, I only seen open fire hydrants. Like, kids did it when, it wasn't common when I was a kid.

Like, it happened a few times and it was like a huge deal. But then I was like, I'm on fucking 171st in Broadway. And it's like every fire hydrant is just open. I'm like, I'm like, this is. And it was like that every day it was hot. I'm like, that's awesome, dude. You know? And like, you see guys like open up their window on their passenger side and get their friend with.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or just washing their car and shit Or like, well then you just run underneath it And rinse off real quick Which is one of the Which I wish happened more in like Like now I live in like the upper east side around like You know, white people really

And Jews. I wish I want to like I'm like sometimes like I should just get the wrench and break it off And like it's nice to just walk through it on a hot day You know? And I think things are just starting to get so like I forgot that summer's coming up And I'm like dude it's gonna be so fucking fun in New York To be 85 on Monday baby Yeah my favorite is leaving New York over the summer though

And coming back because I'll be out of town for Florida a little bit, having fun down there. And then I'll be like, I love leaving New York for a while and then coming back. Honestly, I need to go down to Florida the day you go down to Florida. Because any time you always come back, he comes back looking relaxed, zen and all those other bullshit. Well, he sends me pictures where he has a gun and he has cornrows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was old Logan.

I want to do that shit so bad. Dude, this shitty part is I'm going on my buddy's bachelor party and I kept bringing up the corners again. And I'm like, nobody was excited. And I'm like, I have to wait another year until we're doing, I'm skipping Memorial Day this year because I have to go to a bachelor party. I thought you live from Memorial Day in Florida, I do, but it's like, I can't afford to do both. Yeah. And so I got to do guys.

Where's the bachelor party? Uh, Key West or like right outside West. You guys always love fucking go to Key West, though. But my friend's like, bro, you should just get a perm, like, Star Ski and Hunt. But don't tell anybody you're doing it and just come back with like just the curliest hair. It's not as funny, but I'm like, I got to do something different. And I don't know. Yeah, fuck it.

It's one of those things were like, it was just sad to try to gain the enthusiasm. Like, and then I'm going to have corners. Everybody's like, yeah, okay. Yeah, but there's something, there's something great, though, about not having other people being enthusiastic. Yeah, yeah. You're just all about it, and everyone's like, well, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you want to do that.

Yeah. Yeah, well, it's also, it's hard, too, because it's a bachelor party. So, like, it's about him. Yeah. If I'm taking cool pictures with, like, an iguana on my shoulder. Because, like, QS has so many, I got to do it. How do it? QS has iguanas, bro.

A picture of me with an iguana. Like, in the wild? Yeah, you go to CVS there, and there's iguanas on trees and shit. How big are they? They're fucking huge sometimes, bro. But I'm like, bro, picture of you that gun in iguana? How big? How big? Uh, like, they get like fucking this big dude. They can Loki fit this whole tape, like the tail.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Size of the table? Tail the head. Bopal. Yeah, they get giant. Really? Maybe slightly less, but it's like they get fucking long.

They get, bro. And they're just walking around everywhere, yeah. I used to have a fucking iguana as a pet. Yeah? When I was a kid living in Florida, that shit was wild. Yeah. Dude, I want a iguana so bit. But it's like it would die immediately.

But just the idea of being in the iguana comic, dude, that sounds fucking. I can say. Damn. I want a butterfly knife and just be twirling that shit. Got a lot of snakes down there? Yeah.

Yeah. The ones that can like fuck you up if they bite you? Yep. Yeah. That's like the main thing you have to worry about

when you're swimming in the water because it's like, I've talked about alligators. I defend alligators like once a week on this podcast. Yeah. They don't try to hurt you. Yeah.

But snakes. Yeah, they're kind of like afraid of people on. Don't they want to get away from people in the museum? And I think they're smarter than snakes where snakes will just kind of like see like your leg and

like people get bit by dogs. You ever get pit by a snake? No, my brother did. But I think he did it in like a class where like a kid had a pet snake and it got out. Oh, okay. Venomous? No, no. It was like a...

One of those red, black and those... Black racers, I think. Some lunatic came up to me. I was balking last night selling tickets. Some fucking guy comes up to me and he's like, look at this. He was like moving his hand around. I never seen him before. And it looked like he had like a snake in his hand, like a small one.

Like, I don't know, six, seven inches. He's like, I just found this in the fucking park. I don't know what to do. it and he like puts it like real close to me and I wasn't like afraid of it but I was like what do I was more so being like why you so close to me right now I think I kind of like you take fake shits and then he's like no I don't know but he goes but he goes he goes he looks at me and he goes and then I realize it's just like a toy dude and I was like is this some kind of gag you're trying to get on you know what I mean so people have their own jokes in New York they think

are so funny and they're not it wasn't at all and it was like he was at first I was like because he's like, I was like, where did you find this snake? And he's like, the park. And I was like thinking about it. I'm like, dude, I've never seen a snake at Washington Square Park ever. Yeah, yeah. It's not as tropical here. I don't know if they have snakes as much here as they do in Florida.

In the city? No way. Bro, it's so funny with someone bust your balls, bro. That shit is the most hilarious shit. This guy is a stranger. This is a stranger. No, because I'm remembering like the fucking Western Massachusetts guy. Who's this?

It was you and me and Eddie. We were talking shit about the. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah. And there was some guy from Western Man, he bumps it like, like you fucking go to stretch or some shit. And then he bumps into your hand. I hit a guy by accident. I was stretching out.

I was at the pier. This was like the other day. I was stretching out. And I like hit a kid who was walking behind me. I didn't see him. And I was like, oh, my bad, dude. My bad. And then we just thought like, everyone's like kind of talking.

It was like us. Wait, but you say a kid, but you're from. He's my age. Yeah. Everybody from Ashton issues does that. It's like a thing. Yeah. He's a kid.

Kid dude guy. It's like, yeah. When you call someone a kid, it doesn't mean necessarily they're like a child. It just means it like, you know, a person, you know? So if a gay dude fucks another gay dude, you say I fucked a kid? I fucked that kid.

A girl would probably say that. Yeah, yeah. She said I fuck that kid? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? 100%. I think my friend told me the other day, she was like, she told me she fucked some kid.

She's like 26. So it's like she didn't mean anything like. But yeah, it's so funny. It's just a term. Yeah, yeah. But anyways, I hit, yeah, you tell it better. That's funny.

You had a better. You had a better, like, view of the thing. So what happens is, like, Ryan, we're just talking about basketball. It's me, Ryan, Eddie Lows. And we're just talking. Steve Francois, too. Shout out to Steve-o. Bro.

Ryan goes to stretch, and he fucking just kind of clocks his guy in the face a little bit. And then Eddie's like, yo, don't let this guy from Boston talk shit. Hit you in the fucking face. Hit him back. Hit him back. Yeah. And he's like, no, it's all good. We're apologizing.

Blah, blah, blah. And then we're just, like, vibing. We're still kind of involved. like incorporating the guy. And then like we're kind of high-fiving each other afterwards. Like, all right, guys. He's leaving. He's leaving.

Like, all right, peace, bro. Have a good one. Have a good one. And he kind of puts the hand next to his face. And he's just like, before you leave, got him in the face. And then he's about to high-five, like, Ryan right here. He's just like, it would have been too easy. And then, like, Ryan looks, goes, what the fuck you talking?

Yeah. He just doesn't. I often, like, give him a pound to zap him up, you know? And I'm just like, why did I even bother? You know what I mean? He took the bait so bad. I did. I did.

I did. You know. You're a very fun person to fucking. I'm really mad at his white folks apart, dude. You know? But yeah, no, it was like,

I'm like, I'm like, you know, but accidentally hit him in the face, accident, you know, not like how it was, it would be like that,

you know what I mean? Nothing bad. It was like, and it was more so just where he was positioned, you know, I was like, I don't want to touch nobody.

He probably takes bigger shits than you. Yeah, you think so? Brian takes a smaller shit than he lies about him. Oh word? A word? Yeah, right, dude.

He took a little fucking pellets. He took a shit. He put in a group chat, and then I found the picture on Google. No, he did. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. You literally didn't. I heard everyone was telling me, oh, Michael Goode gets grossed out when people take shits. I get disgusted by shit things.

Send them pictures, dude. So I was like, you know what? I'm going to do this. Yeah, you should. And I'm going to group chat. He says a giant shit pick. And then I kill on my Google images and copy and paste. No, you fucking didn't dick.

It was, yeah, it was right in there. Somehow the picture. No, you didn't. How did your picture of your shit? It was the first one on Google. then it got on the internet. I have no I have no fucking idea.

They have a whole little I don't care and I'm not going to defend it. I don't care and I'm not going to defend it. It's not your shit. But you think someone hacks your phone and puts it on the internet? They go, they have a little blog post called Ryan Stools.

I might have hit except all. Rino Stools. That is a good one, dude. No, what happened was he took a picture of his shit and then I cut it out and Snapchat and put it into Google. Google images and looked up the first page of Google shit.

So it looked like he stole it online. And then he gets all pissed off in the group shit. I mean, we're just fucking with each other. But it's all retarded in there, dude. You know what I mean? But it's like I'm mad that I broke character. I'm trying to get back. See, now I realize, you know, I've just started to realize in the last like year or two

that people have liked bothering me. You know what I mean? It's like, I know. I should have done it in the sex. Now I'm getting, now I'm like just starting to be a weird. Dude, when I used to like bartend and bar back, dude, I remember one night, right? I was bobbacking at the time, which is like, you know, helping out the bartender and shit. Tuesday nights, it was the best, dude.

Shout out to my boy, Vlad, dude. He would bartend and we would fucking work our balls off, dude. I wish, dude. I guess I suppose you. I don't like him. But anyways, we're like drinking one night and it was like late and it was, you know, we're working. And, you know, the end of the night, it's like, you know, you could have a couple drinks and, like, the door was locked. These dudes got me going off.

This is, you know, 2015, 2016, about Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, right? Yeah. And I want to learn about football just to say shit to piss you off. It elevated. It elevated to a point where, like, we're screaming behind the bar, right? And my buddy Vlad was like, you know, he's a very, like, you know, super like just level dude. And he was, he realized, he's like, you know they're like bothering. He's like, they like how you react.

It's so funny, dude. I had no idea. And it was like after an hour and a half of argue. And I was like, I'm done. Like, these people are just so wrong and delusional. And I was like, oh, shit, dude, you know? And then I, like, I always remember that because I'm like, oh, yeah, a lot of times people just want to set out and fuck off, which I kind of understand, you know, like, people want

to have fun, but. Norm used to, apparently Norm used to the shit. Norm did this to, I think it was Todd Glass. He, like, argued some point. Like, Todd Glass was like. Who's he a comedian? Todd Glass, yeah, yeah. I don't know what, I'm going to make up the topic they were arguing about because I don't

know what it was, but Todd Glass said something like, you know, we need gun control. And then. Norm MacDonald went on like an hour about why they shouldn't have gun control. And this is just an example argument. They shouldn't have gun control. And then he goes, does an hour about why they should have gun control.

And he was like, yeah, I agreed with you the whole, like you purposely, like, argued against his point and then said, well, I guess maybe would make more sense. And then for an hour, so he just wasted two hours of his time, just fucking fucking fucking. It's funny. It's so fun.

Intagonizing is so fun. Oh, it's a blast. Yeah. Well, that's one thing I really miss by having a girlfriend. Like, you can just purposely clock. You know it's crazy?

I had a bet. I was like, oh, how long until he brings up that? Dude, I was looking at that picture of me, bro. I feel so bad because I was looking to old picture of the podcast

when I was fat as shit. Yeah. Full beard on my face. Not full beard, shitty beard. Just like neck beard. Just like looking like shit. Long hair.

And I'm like, dude, the fact that I feel so bad for this woman that I let myself go that far where I was just like, well, I mean, she's gonna keep sucking my dick. Like that's, it's so disrespectful.

But you're literally like, you're like, what is you going to leave me? And then you're like, oh, yeah, that's getting up. Yeah, no, I mean, that's like an instinct thing. You know, it's like a lot of people suck at jobs because it's like, oh, I'm just going to get paid, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's like it's literally an instinct thing. Yeah, it's fucked up.

But, dude, we're at an hour right now. I hate to have to wrap it up. Always goes by fast. Yeah, what do you guys want to promote? I'm going to be at City Wandering May 4th. My show Brown Sugar. Good tickets. We're at the stand.

Mays adding letters. And every Sunday, 6 o'clock, Harlem, the shrine, Brown Sugar. Yeah. Ryan O'Toole podcast. It's Ryan O'Toole on Instagram, ITS, Ryan O'Toole. Just fucking listen to a podcast. I'll be up there. I don't know, every two or three days, Bruin' Celtics playoffs, all the other shit going on.

Every Tuesday I'm selling shit on. Just go on my fucking Instagram. Is it going to be in the comments, the Instagram? Yeah. Just look at the comments on my Instagram. All my shits on there. Perfect. Thank you, guys.