Morning Good - What Happened to Me? - Episode 108

Episode Date: August 21, 2022

Thanks to Tommy for joining the show for the first time, and thanks again to Dan for coming back on the show. Check both of these guys out on social media for the hilarious sketches they do together, plus dates coming up in NYC or on the road.Tommy is on Instagram @tommybayertime and Dan is on Instagram and Twitter  @danmancarney. They also have a new show together in the East Village called Good Karma, so make sure to check that out.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. It's really funny. And we are here. Me and Tommy were trying to have a private conversation. Oh, my, yeah. You're interrupting right now. I also, I hate fucking starting it.

That's why I always start, like, mid-conversation. Unless more shit-talking their comics, that'll happen. And then people will think it's, like, going. Like, they'll be, yeah, so-and-so totally fucking sucks. And then I'll start it, like, right when we end that. But they think it was part of the conversation. I have, I do a podcast where I invite comedians over. Already.

Already with this. Yeah, man. No, but they just shit, they just shit talk comics, and I just cut everything else out. And I leave that in there. Oh, that's a good way to do. Just tell them, like, yeah, I'll cut that. I only put the things. Yeah.

That'd be crazy, though. Just invite, because no comedian's going to listen to your podcast. You know? Invite them over and just have, like, just hours. A few shit talking. Just them. Just get them. You know what would be kind of a fun theme?

You got to take one person every episode, no matter what you have to shit on the person, and that is what, oh, there we go. Are we in the frame? You guys are in the frame. You guys are in frame. You guys are in frame. Yeah. Cameras right there.

My phone got fucking smashed, setting this shit up. Yeah, your phone, it's absolutely flipped. I mean, your setup is not ideal. I got boxes. It's not bad. It's sitting on an empty Amazon box, which is on top of two laptop boxes, it appears. And it absolutely just flipped and smashed against this glass coffee table.

Michael was like, don't touch the table. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Michael just like... It's fun. We're going to relax. Have a good time. Now, don't move a fucking inch or it's going to destroy my house. Don't get loose.

Yeah, yeah. This other camera is set up in such, like, an inconspicuous way. This is like a camera you'd put up if you're like trying to secretly film like a romantic engagement. Right. Is that what you call porn? I wanted to say... He goes on Pornhub and...

I told him a romantic engagement. I didn't want to say fucking. It just sounds creepy. Romantic engagement would be creepier, though. It's more eloquent. I'm sorry. Does that offend you? The camera is secret, but the... Am I offended you? She agreed to the sex. She didn't agree to the camera. What do you say? She agreed to the

camera. Romantic engagement couldn't apply for anything else. Yohanna, she agreed to the sex. Yonna, it was a woman. romantic engagement. Listen, she agreed to the sex. She did not agree to the camera. What is this?

Why are you so confused? I don't know what you guys are talking about. Why are you so confused about the term romantic engagement? Because I don't know what I love is. Sex. I'll just say sex. Is that better? Sex is always romantic, especially if you're filming it from a hidden. Yeah, but through the guise of what's going, it's presenting itself as romantic. That's why you can get away with sex with the boys is romantic.

That's got to be a huge thing. theme in gay porn. G-U-I-S-E. Yeah, yeah. Like, that has, I bet you there's a thousand fraternity gay porn. Yeah, I wouldn't know. Yeah, I have no idea. Yeah, I have no idea. What that's all about? Yeah, hold on, let me just, um, I type on, I do get a lot of gay porn, oh, what? I type in, uh, on porn hub, um, uh, one where everyone's just having a good time. Everybody having a good time. I type in consent. I type in, I type in, because I'm, I'm one of the only good ones left. I type in no one is offended

Yeah, I type in No one's offended Consent, I type in consensual sex On porn out Because I'm just one of the good ones There's not a lot of good guys out there No I type in contextual sex

Contextual Yeah Where there needs to be a lot of context So else you're not gonna understand You can watch them fucking You're like I don't know what's going on I don't know what's happening

You know what I just thought about I'm about to say You get a lot of gay porn though Yeah so I Google What did you just think about Okay before Okay, you know how Fan fiction is about to go to the next level

Because of the face swapping apps Which I've used. I've put my girlfriend's face in POV porn Because I'm a good boyfriend. It's like a black dude fucking guy. I'm a good boyfriend, okay? Come on. She's on the black dudes for you say?

In my face? Where's just some of the only good guys left? I've been so tempted to like be in a I'm in a group chat, a bunch of dudes. I'm so tempted. You just find gay porn and put their faces on each and fucking each other. Oh, that's really good. It's so funny.

Like, it's never not going to be funny. That's really funny. Yeah. The only hard part is it's really tough to find gay porn. Yeah, and the only hard part is my penis. No, I accidentally find it. I said the only, I know it's not hard to find it. I get it mailed to my house.

Your penis? The only hard part is my penis. Oh, shit. Fuck. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Wow.

All right. Let's start the show. Yeah, we'll cut all that now, but you get. But, uh... Don, no, do not. What's up, fuckers? What the fuck nuts? Oh, you're talking about.

Lock the gates. Yeah. Yeah, I do need a metal intro. Yeah, you do. Dude, that, his intro does get me jacked up every single time. I'm like, yes. Yeah. I've never said yes.

I'm listening to Mark Merritt. Really? Every time I'm like, score. Yeah. Score one for the Republic. there's one that somebody's telling me about where he's just eating a salad the whole episode which is pretty funny

but he's so sick I love Mark Maren dude I like him more dude No no no no I like I lock the gates You don't even lock the gates It is funny I lock the gates pretty fucking hard You don't even know what movie that's from

That's signed up Because I will never Almost famous I will never talk shit about a comedian That's even remotely at some level But once they're like At a certain level of success Then for me I'm like

You're done podcast. That's every comedian. Every comedian is like, I won't don't feel 100% comfortable talking shit about other comedians on my level, even though everyone always does it. But when you reach a certain level, it's like, fuck that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A piece of shit, I hate him.

There's zero percent chance Mark Maren here's anything bad I say on this episode. Not if I send it to him directly. Hey, look what my friend Michael said about you. Flood his inbox. You're gonna flood the gate. I'm gonna flood the gates. That's right. He's so crazy. I can see him being upset

I think it'll be really fun. We won't tell our friend. We're actually best friends with Mark Marin. Yeah. That's what we wanted to tell you, but you wanted to start this podcast. We were like, hey, before we start, don't bring up Mark Merrin. Don't you not. They'll talk shit about him because we just became best friends with him.

I work for him. I'm the guy who locks the gates. Tommy locks the gates. You got to get a guy to lock him. Yep. I'm the guy. He's not going to do it himself. No, no.

He's busy. He's used to. He used to when he was grinding. But now he has the money and he's eating a salad. He's eating a salad. He's older. Got cats to tend to. Yeah, yeah.

I work on the grounds. Stamps.com and stuff. Tommy's his groundskeeper. I work on the WTF. The compound. I'm on the compound. I'm locking the gates. When Obama did the show, you greeted Obama.

Of course. What's up, Mr. Obama? Yo, how often do you do this? Hey, man. She's completely like, who is that? You watch a BET this week? Hey, Obama. Hey, Obama.

Grass looking mind. I would love to. That's so funny to code switch for Obama. You see like a white Republican, like, senator, like, shows up with, like, a do-rack to, like, a serious meeting. It'd be so funny if, like, Obama was debating Romney, and Romney's just like, you know, he's Romney, but then he debates Obama. He's like, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, but on God, like, on God, I don't believe in health care. Like, God, no gay rights. No, no, no, for real.

He just whispers to Obama and goes, I'm getting the black phone. He's like, fuck you. Better look next time. Obama's like, I'm fucked. He calls Obama. He goes Obama. He's like, you white pussy. You white bitch.

Man, who's his cracker up here? Oh, man. Gay porn now. Yeah. Gay porn now or later? Now. Now, we got to talk about it. Interrace.

I Google image my porn. Q in Netflix sound effect. I'm thinking about Pivotian to being a white guy who speaks like a little bit of Spanish. Like I say an Amigo once in a long. You know? Like doing like cowboy Spanish. Like which is just like you're just like comprende.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Throw that in. Prende. Yeah, you know. All right. Doing the bodegas. But back to gay porn. Back to gay porn now.

So I Google image my porn because it gives you the best frame of, because you can see every website's video. So if you Google what you're looking for, you get a... I've been doing that recently like a month ago. I started doing that. It's a more efficient way. The hard part is... Well, the hard part's my dick.

Yes. Ah, there we go. Part two. Part two. Let's get one thing straight and it's not my dick. It's a little bit curved. Okay? Hell yeah.

But gay porn now. This is why we had you. But the gay porn is... Gay porn now. You have a couple options because if you don't look up, specify that it's a woman, because you go like blonde gets railed. It will show guys... Is that what you Google?

I mean, stuff like that. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you're such a piece of shit. What do you Google when you do you Google when you do? I don't put that in my water. I don't want that in my water. All right. When I Google board,

I don't type in, what do you type in? I type in, give me your phone. Women agrees. Women agrees to sex. Women who happens to be, reluctantly agrees.

Woman who happens to be blonde has sex with man. It happens to get fucked very hard, not railed. Not in quotes, railed. You don't even want to know what I Google.

It's fucked up. What do you Google? It's really twisted. No. You ready? No. I Google, Joker and Batman

I want to know how I got these scars I don't know how I got my dick hard I want to know how I got this hard Yeah Yeah man It was you Batman What about it You complete me

What about a Tyler Perry Does the Joker And it's like Medea's It's Medea's Joker Batman get the fuck out of here Hello You know how I got these skirts Hello

Hello So it's Gay porn now. Okay, gay porn now. But if you're not specific, you'll get gay porn. But the problem is with being specific as sketchy. Blonde with tits, kids are it gets gay porn. Blonde with tits and...

The algorithm knows you. They say the algorithm knows you gay before you do. That's like a thing people are saying. It knows you're pregnant before you do also. Really? Target, yeah, Target... I just read a thing. I want to hear Michael talk about the gay porn.

We're so off topic. So, but the problem is if you don't Google that, you'll get dudes, but if you type in Gabe, or sorry, if you type in... And what do you type in? If you type in woman gets railed, it's only women in, like, their 30s. And you don't want to type in girls, because that's too sketchy. So you have to type in girls 18 plus and then whatever porn you have to watch. So it's a very complicated problem. You have to watch.

Women gets, well, I'm trying to right now. Woman gets railed. What's where we're watching 30 old women get railed? You're just sometimes you want to see a 25-year-old woman get railed. That five years really makes my pee-pee soft. I mean, 27, she starts focusing on her career. It's all downhill. Guy like me.

I go, ew. Gross. Sir gay. She's 30. Ugh. Ugh. Oh. No, I'm fine.

I'll finish. Yeah, I almost throw up to straight porn all the time. Makes me very sick. Dude. She's career-oriented. E. That's great, man. Dumbhors only.

Dot com. Dot.org. I don't watch porn, so I don't know anything about this. I thought about stopping because I watch porn I don't even want it all the time. Oh, that's, yeah. If I were to give a wreck, then I would slow down a little bit. If you were to what?

Give a little rec. What? Recommendation. Oh, you're a recommend. Okay, I thought you're saying if I would, you were going to give me a recommendation for porn. No, no, no, like, I'll show you're just watching. It's like, it's like you're turning on the TV.

Yeah, that's what it is, dude. I'm not, that's pretty rough, dude. That's what he's bored. Instead of going to YouTube, he just watches. Dude, it is bad, bro. It's that bad. Oh, then you, yeah, you need to stop. Yeah, you should stop, bro.

I'll take a shit. Start watching porn. Jerk off to this thing before I finish flushing the shit. It's bad. Yo. Yeah. And then there's come and poop in the, toilet and then I flush it.

And then I try to go to sleep and that's not a good that's not a good rest. It's not a good last thought to have. Just so dehydrated. He's picture you're coming on your own poop and you're like, what happened to me? I used to, I used to... Dude, I'm like hot after that.

When I was a kid, I thought I was going to be a superhero. And now I'm coming on my own poop and flushing it and then going to bed. Dude, I'm like crying. I'm putting my girlfriend's face. in porn? What happened? Bro, you gotta stop. You gotta stop that. This is a bad place to be in.

It's a horrible place, man. You've got a beautiful apartment. You know, you're having it's over and I'm like, there's no way this guy is coming on his job. You go out of shit. You're walking. You're like, this guy doesn't like come on his own poop, right? I'm like, uh, yeah, so the chicken sauce sandwich should be good. Oh my God, that's the funny. That is the funniest thing I've ever heard about

that's really fine. it's sad. Now, let me ask you that when you're jerking off while you're taking a shit, it has to be, like, how do you like, I mean,

is it, does it get, it gets messy, no? Are you wiping the cum up with toilet paper before your ass? What's up before my ass?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's bad. Are you ever pooping while you're coming? No, that would be magical.

I've never, I've never, never thought of that. I feel great. It's what a blumpkin is. It's the same concept. That's a sad lumpkin.

Like, a bumpkin is like, accomplished me. Stop recording. I don't know. Like, this is the show. Dude, I feel like if you shit and come at the same time,

they call that a factory reset. Like, it may be the healthiest thing you could do for yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that. It's like that and taking ayahuasca. It's like the same thing. Similar.

It's like, you know, you hold like the volume up button and your power button on your iPhone for 10 seconds. Yeah, that's what that is. You reset. But it's worse. You just feel horrible. You're like, What happened to me?

What happened to me? Who did this? You take a break from applying to jobs to do that. Dude, I have tears. This is the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. It's terrible. This is like a, this is not like a one-time occasion. I know this is habitual for you.

Well, because also, like, when you're in a relationship, it's like, so you do secretly jerk off. Like, you'll do it in Brimer sometimes. But it's one of those things. that you're like, you will secretly do it. And so you have to pretend you're taking a shit. Yeah. Sometimes you do take a shit.

I know. I've been in a relationship for five years, buddy. I know the whole, oh, I'm taking it. I'm living with a woman. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But we're not, we're not dating.

Yeah, that sounds horrible. Yeah, it's, uh... How's that going? It's not going bad. You know, we see each other passively, but it is, it is funny because, like, I'm experiencing, like, sort of, like, the cons of, like, living with a woman without, like, any of like the pros of dating. Has she gotten mad at you yet? Hasn't gotten mad. But the other day

she has, you just don't know. It's just past. Oh, it's definitely. When you live with a woman, here's an important thing. You can't put a lot of things on surfaces. Oh, I got, I got cups everywhere. Things need to be in drawers, at least in my, in my home. Like on top of tables and leaving them there? Yeah. Dude, that, she's getting murdered.

They care about this stuff. No, I know that's probably piss her off. But the other day, I found whatever hairs on my asshole, so I call that even. You're lying. I swear, dude. I swear. I swear. I was taking a shower. I was like, what is this? It's one of her hairs. I'm like, me and her I've never even made physical contact.

There's just a long hair in my asshole. That wasn't my hair. I'm wondering how that... You know, probably a laundry. Yeah, yeah, laundry. We don't do that. We don't have the same laundry.

We don't do that. We don't have the same laundry. We don't do we don't share a laundry. I don't know. Who's hair could have been? Well, if it's... Dan's not getting pussy. I'm not getting pussy.

I haven't got pussy in at least a month. He's a working man. That's not bad. He's career-oriented. That's a long time. when you're at your top of your game what are we talking how often a million women like that one wrestler one million women

because a lot of you don't know this is that supposed to be a lot a lot of people don't know this about dan he's had you've had sex with every almost every woman in New York almost every woman in New York almost every yeah it's hard to keep up because they keep moving here I'm like stop it you know but yeah I'll get to him eventually yep but no I mean

maybe a little over a month this the last time I had said no I would say probably two months It's pretty good. It's not horrible. It's not horrible. See, that's the thing is I can't... I don't really go out much.

I don't need to justify it. But I found... Yeah, don't try to impress the guy who has the boner podcast. You should change your name on. It comes on his own poop. You should change your name on Twitter to Dan, no pussy getting car.

I don't get pussy. No, stop. I don't get pussy. No, I don't get pussy. Stop, please. Stop saying these things about me. That's true. I don't get pussy.

Please. somebody in the comedy scene be like, there's been rumors going around that I get pussy. If you hear it, do not encourage it. Stop it out. Yeah, yeah. That's not what's going on. I don't put that fire out immediately. I don't know what people see me and they think I'm getting pussy. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's talking about how much pussy I'm getting, not true. Do you not want that getting around.

Please. But between me and you. Between me and you. Yeah. We were talking about this wrestler who like, apparently this guy literally, he's like 65 years old. He said he had sex with a million women. And I'm like, there's no. Either you're so bad at Mav. Or like, because I did the math, if he's like 65-ish, that means in 40 years he'd have to have sex with 25,000 women.

Yeah. I, um, I, uh, I, uh, I went on the road. A year, yeah. I got, uh, I used to, um, I used to get booked to this agency called funny business and they would, uh, send me on the road with just like, what do they specialize in? A little bit of politics. Politics. Um, that was pretty good.

I went on the road with this guy, uh, whatever. His name was Bob. You go around with dudes? It's fucking, he's, son. He was the headliner I was featuring. He just, like, picks me. I didn't know him at all. He picks me up.

You're giving him head. Well, he's... So you're sucking his cat. Yeah, we're going to Wyoming. We're driving from Minnesota to Wyoming for a weekend at some fucking bar show. Probably gets lonely in that car. He told me he got into 400 fights. No, he's told me he's beaten up 400 guys.

That's what it was. He asked me if I ever been in a fight and I was like, yeah, like a couple, like, a couple, like, scraps or whatever. A couple scuffles. A couple scuffles. In middle school or whatever. And he's like, I'm beating up 400. And I, like, I was like, no.

I was like, I challenged him on it. And I like made him like do, like recount. To the mouth. I was like, well, that's like a lot. I was like, how old are you, man? You're like 50. So that's like so many. That's like, that means you're getting in.

Also, just really funny. Because how old were you at the time? Like 20 fights a year? That's 20 fights a year. Right, maybe? Yeah, something like that. How old were you at the time? 21, 22.

So it's like a 21 year old guy like you know, I've beaten up 400 guys before Yeah, it was all in 2008.

I was just like one year he's like, ah! Yeah, Obama was elected. Yeah, just frustration. I don't know where to put it.

Yeah, I'm like in the car. I'm like nervous. And he's like, I've beaten up. He said it's just say, how about you try to make it 401?

Let's see. Pull this car over. He drank. We got a long way to go to Wyoming. In the ride to Wyoming, he drank a whole 12 back of diet, Mr. Pibb. Oh, God.

He may have fought 400 people. Whole 12 back is starting to get on his side a little bit. And then here's the best part of. Anyone you could put down 12 of those bad boys in one car trip. He talked about being sober, like going there, he's like, I don't drink anymore. Got wasted every night. On the, on the, on the other tour. Yeah, got wasted.

Had a wife and kids hit on all the weight staff. And, like, almost got kicked out of, like, the club. we were performing. It's awesome. That's my hero. Yeah. What was his name? Bob Demaris.

Oh my gosh. I really thought you were to say like the most pussy comic. I can really like soft guy. No, no. Bob Demaris. Of course he was Italian. He wore a, I think he wore a flower that didn't like squirt water,

but like it looked like it did. And fucking he had this, um, this comedy club like way out in Minnesota. And it was called Bob's World Famous Comedy Bunker. That everybody's heard of. I mean, world. World famous.

In quotations. How do you spell Damaris? He's not on Instagram. You got to check him out on Facebook. Oh, that's right. This dude hasn't heard of Instagram. He'd be getting pissed off. Yeah, Bob, no, not Bibb.

I would be curious. I would like to see my grandpa go through Twitter and try to figure it out. A-R-I-S, I think. Bob Demaris. World famous comedian. There he is. World famous. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

He told me he's being up 400 guys. Fuck yeah. Yeah, he rocks. By the way, the- Shots out to you, Bob. The camera just died. That's great.

That's good. My buddy, we're, we, whatever you want to do, man. After I, after I featured and opened up for him, uh, and just like, he bombed. It's poor dog.

He had, that's not good. He had me and my buddy do Bob's world famous comedy bunker and I'm like, dude, we got to do this club. It's hilarious. Oh, it's in Minnesota. Yeah, it's in Minnesota. Yeah, it's in Minnesota.

And, uh, my buddy, gets banned from the club. My buddy Ryan calls. Shout out to him. He gets banned from the club because he's like, hey Bob. Like, Bob's like in the audience. He goes, hey, Bob, how much would I have to pay you for me to suck your dick?

Oh, he's probably like 0% shit. He storms out of the club and then text him. He's like, you're never working. Unless you suck my dick. That's how you get back in. Yeah, it was fantastic. Bob is kind of a man. I love those guys.

those old road dogs. Oh, they're amazing. Look at this. Ahoi sailors, take cover. The Donzerly Light says there is a foul weather lurking about. Like, what is this caption? It says, oh, foul weather. Ahoi sailors, take cover.

It's a beautiful, like, cherry tree or something. The donzorly light says there is a foul weather lurking about. When did he bring up the four? Like, what was the conversation leading up to? I have fought 400 men and one. Because he didn't say, like if he said I fought 400 men, that would be one thing. I mean, it's so long, no clue. I also remember one of the first things he said to me is, it's like five in the morning.

He picks me up and someone cuts him off and he goes, fucking Italians. That is so funny. I think he is Italian. That is the next level of racist Italian. He's like, even my own people are the worst. But he said it with like a lot. I don't know if he's trying to be funny. There was like a lot of hate behind it.

I never heard someone be actually racist to Italians. I heard it. I remember one time I was on. 14th Street right around the block from you and this um it's such a that's such a shady fucking area 14th on 14th like 14th oh right above me like yeah dude it's turning into a market there's like a market yeah by the way the least listen I'm a garbage person but the the least desirable products

are so yeah dude it'd be like a VHS tape you could buy like a rubber band yeah like whatever they have they could find for the day they get it but there's Every night there is a guy who sweeps that street. He lives there and he sweeps on there. It's pretty nice. But anyhow, I remember one time I was walking through there, it was when I first moved here, and I heard someone being racist to an Irish person. Oh, really?

I was like, this place is a shithole. It's funny because you're Irish. I think you're just putting your head down. I know. Because I don't give a shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never heard someone, like, with conviction, actually angry at someone and calling them a Mick before. and but it was just

I was like oh this is a shit hole what was the other guy doing? I have no clue Hey you better watch how you're speaking to me It was just some like older A little version of me You know Like an old looking version of me

Dude we're not safe in these streets No we're really not As two Irish guys See that's why I'm ambiguous I'm definitely white But people don't know what I am really You're definitely white Yeah I know if I'm saying what kind of boy

They don't really know A little Greek I can see a little What's good What ethnicity is Dutch or something? No, no, your last name, Good. Is what? No, what's your last name, dude?

What is good? What's the ethnicity or nationality of good? That's German, but it's Swiss. I'm not... What? What? What's so funny? Nothing, dude.

What are you fucking German? Yeah, but no, I'm not German. It's, they speak... They speak German in Switzerland. That's the language. That's the same thing is just because you're laughing Spanish. Why are you yelling at me? Just because you're Spanish doesn't mean you're from Spain.

Why are you getting in my ass right now? Why are we getting it talking to? This is also such a funny setup because I moved my chair closer to you guys. And I'm talking to you sideways so I can get on the camera. I'm totally throwing away the audio quality for the potential of a clip right now. I'm just like basically on Dan's lap to try to get my phone. I think we got some clips. Oh, we definitely got some clips.

I'll say it. I think we got a few clips. Oh, man. So you're German and Swiss. That's great. Yeah, yeah. but it... And really nice.

That's really nice. Congratulations. I was asking the other Michael Good. By the way, oh, I was another Michael Good. I haven't even addressed. They have no idea that I met him.

Yeah, you need to talk about him for two weeks. So I met the other Michael Good. I ironically talk shit about him for like years. That's awesome. And then I met him. He's messaged him before. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Didn't talk shit? No. No, I was like, hey, man, it's so cool. We had the same... Four years ago before he moved here, you tried to reach out to the other Michael Good. And he didn't respond to it.

And he didn't respond to it. I was kind of pissed a little bit. This has been a big source of contention for years. This has been his rival. And they've never met. I don't know this. The other guy. He's awesome.

By the way, his name is my name too. I will not disrespect his name. It was one of those things were like, ironically, when I first heard about him, I was genuinely mad because I was like, fuck this guy.

He's got the same name as me. Right. Fuck him. He's a piece of shit. Yeah. Then after a while, I was like, ironically, like,

if I see him, it's on site, just like Joe. That's fine, yeah. And then I saw him and he was just like the nicest guy. It's just a sweet and funny guy with the same thing. You're a chill guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a chill guy. Everybody's like, you should murder him all this stuff like that. And he was very cool. You should just do fucked up shit to like, like dampen his name. Yeah. But that affects me too. Yeah, but whatever. It's more about me destroying him than making me.

It's more about my entertainment. And if anybody is. It's just great that you could like, you know, you could just by one person doing something bad, it could affect two people permanently. You know what I mean? You could take down two people

with just one person. Do you guys have a podcast together? I met him a week ago. There's a lie you're asking how to be. What do you think? I'm going to be honest. I would be skeptical of him. Michael, I wouldn't be his trusting.

He thinks he could come and fuck my girlfriend. I'm dead serious. We can take him out. I'm dead serious. There's a reason he didn't respond to you. He has a bit about you. Yeah. I know a guy who's beat,

up like 400 guys. We'll get Bob DeMaris on him. You can take care of. A message from Michael Good. From or four? He's confused. That's for Michael Good. I'm Michael Good.

Look, man, I'll kick your ass. I'm beating up over 400 guys. Yeah, it's funny. I like him, man. All right. I didn't believe that. No, he's funny. I like him.

I just don't think this is going to end well. That's all I'm going to say. I don't like it, man. You know what's going to be? It's going to start out nice. And then we're going to just going to start out. good. There's going to be massive hatred and competitiveness and it's not going to be healthy.

One of you, one of you, one of you will die. Yeah, I think you should keep talking shit. I think that's funny. To like active, like make him like an enemy. I think it's way funny. There's not enough enemies in comedy. There needs to be more enemies.

Me and Tommy would be enemies. We almost became enemies. We almost became enemies. You guys look similar? Yeah, when I met this guy, I was like, there's always, when you meet someone looks just enough like you're like, should I fucking? Yes, one of us has.

to go. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we went the other way. We've decided to team up. We became buds, but like, there was a first, I met Dan. I was like, hey, man, it's nice to finally meet you. And then just brief second, I'm like, I think I got to take it. You were thinking about trying to take me. You wouldn't have been able to. It's like, hey, great to see you. It's like, great to see you. This other Michael good.

Yeah, and I'm just like, I'm on the, and I have like, sharpshooters. I'm like, pull the tree. Take them out now. Stand a little over here. Yeah, yeah. You just get assassinated outside the stand. What we said it's so far for? COVID's over. Get closer. Well, the funny thing

The good thing I was tell you is we're on the same show. And it was so funny because he, uh, he introduces Michael Good from Florida. Michael Good not from Florida. And I just,

I did the dumbest bit. It was not that funny, but I was like, they should introduce him as like the hot Michael good because I was just, I was just talking about how hot he was. Oh, he's hot. Yeah,

and I was like, is it gay to fuck him? Because we have the same. I basically just like go off by how I want to fuck this dude. Yeah, he hates you. Yeah. And then afterwards,

he has, he has no. for you. And afterwards? I think that was a good move on your part. Thank you. Thank you. I'm not saying it was a bad move.

I just don't trust this other guy. Maybe that's because I'm that good of friends with you, but I just, I don't. He needs to die. Yeah, he needs to die. I don't, these are going to be taking like serious death threats. I've been tired of hearing about this other might go good. We need to do something about it.

We need to ship him off somewhere. He doesn't get him. He needs to go. He needs to go. He needs to go in that warehouse at the end of Raiders, of the Lost Ark. We'll tuck them away. He needs to go back.

He needs to go back. Put them on the shelf. Put them on the shelves. Let's leave them there. Yeah, put them in a crate. And then, maybe then bring him back. Yeah. Maybe then bring them back.

Depending on how your career's going. Yeah. Yeah, you can go back now. But I was somebody because I immediately apologize, I was like, hey man, sorry about sexually harassing you. Because I didn't know the guy. Which is such a funny move to be like, yeah, I'm going to fuck this dude with my name.

And then be like, was that out of pocket? I apologize. If you really wanted to get the comedy community excited, you need to have a boxing matter. with other Michael Good. I think you would win. Bring a gun, though. Bring a gun and put it in your ass.

And then when you guys like box, and then you do the thing that box just like hug and then you whisper. Rip your gloves off. I have a gun in my ass. You'd be funny. You'd be funny. You'd be funny.

I'm trying to get revenge on him. So I'm just going to gay bars and be like, I'm Michael Good and I'm gay. And I'm just like, everybody's going to think you're gay now. He's like, well, you should have gay sex with 30 men. I'm like, we just had gay sex. with 30 men. He's like, this is 20, 22.

Nobody cares about that. You just, for no reason. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You're a homosexual. Run away. He just comes, squirts out of my ass. And then a gun.

You literally should. You legitimately should fight them. Not, not like, I'm not saying in like, maybe like a malicious way, but like you should stage. You should like do a ticketed event. You know what could be funny. A ticketed event. I'm saying.

It would get the comedy community jazzed up. It would be better if we, Two people with the same name that no one's ever. But you need to bring a weapon. You can't just let this guy beat you up. No, no, no, no. Me and him need to stage a fight at a show. That's good.

To draw attention to both of us. Where, like, he's on stage and I'm like, you fucking suck. And then... See, this is the thing, you guys, something going on, you gotta milk it. You can't just let it sit. It's either he's got to die or you have to milk the titty.

Yes, you got to milk the titty. Do you want to know how stupid I am? How? I expected us to have a lot in common. Just because you have the same name in every house. I thought it was like, It literally felt like a multiverse thing. Like with two twins.

Yeah, yeah. I don't like that he's... They have like the same name of the wife. Yeah, yeah. Is this okay that we're talking this much shit? He's probably like a really sweet guy. No, he's great. I'm joking.

He's great, but if I hate him... I don't like that he's hot. I don't like that he's hotter than you. I never said he was hotter than me. You just assumed that. You said he was really hot. Yeah. And you just don't think I'm...

And Michael's extremely hot. I know he's hotter than me. He's hotter than you? He's fucking gourd. The dude's very attractive. See, I don't like that. just saying that because he has the same name as you. The name is fucking yup.

He's a huge dick. Michael Good is a huge penis. He's fought... He's beat up 400 guys. You know what he looks like? He fucked a million women. You know what this guy looks like? Yeah.

I've seen him before. It would just be funny if like he doesn't exist and it's sort of like a fight club thing. Yeah, I'm just going crazy. He has like another... And you're like, I met him. And everyone's like, oh God. Yeah, there's like this hot Michael... There's this hot Michael Good who's great at comedy.

He was running around the streets of New York. And everyone's like, I've never... And he's been avoiding me for four years. He never messaged me back. Yeah, he, I like him, though. He's your bad pit. Yeah. Yeah, because he's a hot version of me, too.

Maybe he's who I want to be. Mentally, that's who I want to be. We'll take him out, man. Yeah, we'll figure it out. I'll go in with a gun in my... I've been saying that a lot. He's like, now, I know we're joking, but these are like legitimately

in the court of law, they could be like, I shred and murder. Maybe we'll pull all the gun stuff. Dude, I was at a show on Tuesday. And I was, like, trying to see my buddy do his set. And I was, like, trying to get through. I wasn't drunk. I just, like, kind of spilled my beer because I'm just bobbing and weaving through a crowd.

You're a cuts. Because I'm a little bit cunts. And this comic's just like, well, he's like, oh, you good, man? Like, because I spilled my beer. I think he thought it was fucked up. And I'm like, yeah, I'm good. And guess what? I have a gun in my ass.

And I didn't even, like, know him that well. You just said that to him. And he, like, kind of laughed. And I was just like, God. I thought Put in my head I was like, that's so funny

You put it to some at the media He's like Is there shit At the end of that Pairas leaves a lot? Yes there is I don't need you

asking any questions About my doo-doo gun They're like Oh, what the fuck man? It smells like shit Yeah Yeah Because it was in my asshole

Yeah It's been in there for eight hours They have very strict They have very strict gun laws In New York So I have to therefore Carry it in my hands Have you rejected off Vaseline?

No No I think we talked about this on a different episode I don't know. Maybe probably. I can't recall it. It moves so slow.

It is like... You do it once and you're like, I don't think this is a good idea. You can't get it off your penis. You really have to scrape it off. It's still on my penis. Well, the doctor was like,

did you check out with Vaseline like 15 years ago? Well, that I jerked off with glitter. Oh, big mistake. And my dad walked in. I'm like, sorry! Sorry!

I thought I was gay. Dude, I think I text... You know, give me the worst situation. whatever. I'd rather my entire, like at a family union, people catching me jerk off, than my dad catching me, only my dad,

but jerking off with glitter. This is an insane podcast. The message I sent you the other day was crazy. I was wondering, I was really high, I was like, I wonder if you could come into another dude's dickle and he could jerk off and come two loads out. I call it, what I call it, a San Francisco reload? Yeah, I was like, that seems like a legitimate thing.

And I was like, no, Michael, I don't think that's, I don't think that's possible. I read about this machine. That reminds me. I read about this machine. The Rube Goldberg machine. Yeah. The what?

They shoot... The Rube Goldberg? They're shooting Adams. It's like two machines that are shooting atoms at each other to open up a black hole. It's a real thing that they're doing. I'm like, wonder if that would happen.

Two dudes come and each other's dig just explodes. If that would create a black hole. And that would create a space time continuum or something like that. I mean, I don't know. Two dudes were very much experimenting in San Francisco. I'm just asking questions. I wonder if that would collapse. the universe as we know it.

Can we please sit in on college courses and just ask these questions? It's two guys named Adam. We go and be like, I'm Adam, I'm Steve. No, but we go in like... Because it's two Adams... And I did Adam and Steve because we're gay guys. That's the winner is the guy who...

I don't know who's the winner because it's... I don't think there's a... Everyone's a loser. You could come two loads, though. I declare the winner! But you could come two... Like, instead of like pulling a wishbone apart, you do that. Yeah.

This is how we're going to decide who's going to dinner tonight. Who gets to decide where we're going? No, we should go to like an astrophysic. P.F. Chas. Astrophysics class at like NYU and be like, well, what? Okay. Now, hold on. Now, two guys.

Two dudes, Your Honor. Two dudes. The professor, Your Honor. Your Honor. Your Majesty. You got the glasses. You pull him down slightly. I was inquiring about a little. little question I have. If two homosexuals

were to come in each other's penises. Yo, majesty. Could there be two ejaculations in the same day? And I notice a class about the universe. And I got a question. They're like, are you guys students? I stand up with a cane.

I'm like, I object. That could be the next hitting camera. We go to NYU, we just fuck up. I'm so down, dude. What's a lecture, a lecture hall. Or you'd be invited to dress up like Steve Jobs and do that. Oh my God. Like in a turtleneck and be like.

No, no, no. Be Stephen Hawking. Just show up in a wheelchair and just be like, whee and genius ass. If two men come in each other's penises and shoot out two loads, is this. But a great A black hole that would just for the universe. Oh, man.

That's good. I pissed off one time. I was working at a restaurant in high school. and I was, uh, um, I worked with like this guy who was like pretty on the spectrum in hindsight, but like I didn't really know that. I just, like, he was like 28 and I would just like fuck with him, you know? Yeah. And I made him so mad.

I punched him to face. He was talking about, bullied him mentally. I was bullied a girl. I was 17 bullying of a grown man, but he was kind of an asshole. He was stronger though. Huh? What?

I made him. Your honor. I made him. A man that's on the spectrum is stronger than a man that is not. please leave our classroom doing a court case I like the idea you're saying somebody else

is objecting you're objecting I objecting you we're on opposite sides we're objecting to each other a man cannot come into another man's penis that's physically impossible

you're on my no I've done it you do not have the science or the data to prove this we have it right here we just bought and the other guy goes well I do declare

we just bumrush the chalkboard and we just start writing numbers like if you do the mad we erase everything if you do the mad a guy we cannot burst he's teaching the class about like Shakespeare

it's completely unrelated what about what about it's the movie Goodwill Hunting but it's like the scene and he looks at the chalkboard and sees like the math problem solved is just like oh my God who did this

and it's just like a detailed it's just a penis it's a penis coming to another penis and he's just like oh my god this is I've oh my God I've been He's coming to each other And then like a big black hole

Who did this? Who's responsible For this great work? Who's responsible? He runs out. You know the way he's kind of like It's a naked guy. Sir. Sir, get back here.

He's clapping. Also he's like wet. He's trenched. He's just got out of the show. He's covered in water. Yeah, he's like a little slippery. Wait, is it Robin Williams? It's running after him.

He's like, sir. Sure, get back here. He's his feet, just got it. Yeah. He's swimming shoes on. Yeah, it's got goggles. Little goggles. He's holding a noodle.

Why is that the funniest thing? It's the funniest thing in my life. Oh my God. It's for the two ads so two men can come into either end and create a black hole.

Whoever's listening to this is like, I'm retarded now. Like, I have my brain. Someone just raided to, like, a telephone. We're just listening. It's just died. Just killed themselves. Yeah.

Like, after listening to this episode, like, you're, you are mentally challenged. Nothing's funny. Then the penis on the chalkboard. And then the two pieces go, just the idea of, like, I picture like a semi-fat guy running. Yeah, yeah, he's a little, yeah.

But you're just kind of seeing. the backside of him a little bit with the noodle. And he locks himself in the bathroom. It's like, did you do this? He's like, no. No, no, he's here. Yeah, he's a white guy, but he's like, I didn't not do that.

Rubbo is yelling, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. He comes out, he's just, big bush. Don't say that. Not you, Sean. Should we make this? Yeah, I'm down, dude. I'm super down.

That's pretty good. It's really good. What are we going to call it? Um, Goodwell fucking Goodwell Stas Goodwell

Nothing Goodwill nothing Goodwill nothing All right well We'll call it We'll call it Yeah we'll come back to it Who's playing the naked guy

The naked genius You're the naked genius No we can do better than me Now you're pretty good man Thank you but I'll be the naked genius It would be if Philip Simon Hoffin was still alive

Perfect Philip Seymour Hallman, as the naked genus would be perfect. I love the lack of explanation of why he's naked in a pool with a noodle. Because it makes sense that he would have the pool in the noodle. And it makes sense you be naked and wet, but the fact that he was with the noodle. How about Paul Tiamati? Yeah. Get back here.

Just the image of a naked, wet guy. You're running with a noodle. Running and scared. It's such like a vulnerable place. that really scratches a good place in my brain. Yeah, it really does. It really does, dude. Who's the professor?

You're the professor. Rock Williams is dead, so we got to replace him. Yeah, we need. Well, he wasn't the professor that discovered Oh, somebody else? Yeah, because the guy, it's the blonde professor who's like a little cunty. Yeah.

I don't want to, I don't mean, you're cuntie. I could be cunty. You can be, I could be. Is that coconut water? No, it's just, it's just water. See? That's horrible. Oh, it's so bad.

had that is it's jaden smiths i mean i don't know it just it says just water it's so bad we it's at works always grab it i did i um i did this on stage it did not do well i like opened i thought this would be funny to open up with if i was like guys i'm just drinking water it's just there's no poison and people are like and people are like i don't get it and i was like and then i was like well i thought that was fun how about how about jaden smith as a professor jaden smith yeah jadensmith yeah jadet smith oh that because then because he's doing all of his like um kind of like hype beast philosophy that he does. You know what I mean?

I don't like my generation. They're all on their phones. Yeah. You're a genius. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to think who's like the cunties. I would say James Corden's like the cuntiest, but I also see him as being a naked running man.

Yeah. What if, yeah, Ellen, Ellen DeGeneres. Yeah. She could work. He's like, who drew this dancing around? Oh my God. I don't know. I think we can do better than Alan, though.

I mean, what? We have it in the budget to get Paul Giami. We wrote it. We just need one big name attached. Goodwill hunting, but it's a naked guy with the pool. That's what we, that's what it's called. That's what the sketch called. Goodwill hunting, but it's a naked guy with the needle.

Who drew, like, you just made a whole. Two dicks coming into each other. Are you familiar with the, the phenomenon of two men coming into each other's petuses and creating a black hole that destroy the universe? We're in the meeting. They're like, no. We're like, well, combined. with Academy Award winning classic Goodwill Hunter.

Who's his friend? Who's his like Ben Affleck friend who's like, you bet come on, you smile, you could do stuff with your life. Yeah. I don't know, that was horrible.

It's like, it's like, I'm gonna be fucking. This movie is all over the place. It really is. It's like, we need some level of. It's like,

it's like, I'm going to be fucking here in 20 years doing the same goddamn thing when you could be out there drawn two dicks coming in each other. Drawing two dicks coming into each other creating a black hole. I'm going to be here on the same

street on the same block doing the same god goddamn thing. No, but Ben Affleck and his character in this movie is like an actual genius. You know what I mean? He works, he's like, like, the dean or something like there. He's like a scientist. Wait, so Ben Affleck is the scientist? He's a scientist. I'm

trying to subvert it. By the way, one thing I only care about, it has to be called a white hole. It's a different kind of black hole. But it's a white hole. Creamhole. Yes. A white hole. I like that. Dude, I would love to just hire a local scientist to come on my podcast.

Like, just be like, like, change the logo maybe for a week and convince him it's just like a, I'm like a NYU student who's like just, and then just have them on and be like, the easiest way to get anything is tell people you're an NYU student. Yeah,

I went to the, when I went to the M&M store, like right after the, like, you know how they changed all the characters around? I like you thinking you have to get to the NM store. You're like, yo, it's cool. I go to NYU. They're like,

when I was interviewing the people there, I was telling them that I was, a NYU student. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they made them sex. They made the Eminem sexy, right? Yeah, they made the Eminem sexy. They made one of them, like, kind of autistic. They made, like, oh, I put my girlfriend's face on Eminem sometimes. They made a neurodivergent. The orange one. I stand by that being funny. Why? What character traits does he have? He's, I don't know, he's fucking fuck this. He's on spectrum. He's on spectrum. Yeah, he's quirked up. Yeah, he's a little quirked up. Yeah. Eminem. They move its eyes a little further apart.

Mm-hmm. Representation. Like, how would they, like, advertise? that. Like, all the M&Ms are, like, talking, and he's like, actually. I mean, they only did this because, like, right around this time, they had, like, some child slavery stuff come out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, like, we got to do something crazy. Do you guys, you guys hear about the new child slave Eminem? It's a character. It's a small M&M that's wearing, like, stockings and, you know.

I'm not, I'm not uncomfortable this bit. I'm telling him, just trying to figure out how to build on it. That's the worst people would say, I'm going to kill myself. I'm gonna say a fucked-up joke and I zone out because I'm trying to read on it and they're like, did I offend Michael? I'm like, no. I'm just trying to think of NYU is where we were at.

Yes. And I said a hilarious joke that I stand by. Think how much better our lives would be if we went to NYU? No, I wouldn't be better at all. I wouldn't be able to... I would have overdosed on ecstasy.

I know. It would have been great. I wouldn't be able to afford it. I didn't go to fucking... I would have tried to create a white hole. I didn't go to real college because I couldn't afford it. Would you go to?

I did community college. Oh, nice. Yeah. I've heard a great thing. Pretty sick. I have a liberal arts degree. I've a, I have an associates in liberal arts, so. I have creative writing, so basically the same equivalency. Yeah.

Yeah. It's, yeah, community college is so ridiculous. They're just like, you just go up and like, you just go to a building and they're like, first off, classes outside of the building and you're like, cool. And then you're like lab partners, like, a 60-year-old guy. That is very funny. It's community college. this is the demographic.

It's 14-year-old geniuses. Yeah. 14-15-year-old geniuses. I remember high school kids that would take classes in community college. 18-19-year-olds who are very confused, me. And then retired hippies who are like, I'm just, they ask so many questions too

because they're so stoked to be there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they're like, I have another shot at life. They're like, no, it's too late. You're 70, you're not going to. I took a few community college, like, during the summer, would take classes at community college, like any of the ones that I thought were hard?

If they made college free, which they'll never do, but if they do, I will chip away at a PhD program in feminism. Just like over the course of like 20 years. Just take like one class, just a few classes a semester,

and then one day show up and be like, you have a PhD in women's studies. Yeah. Show up, show up, show up. I can't be sexist because I have a PhD. Do you have a PhD? No, you're a little woman brain. I want to know what that even is.

Just being so sexist. Yeah, no, I know more about you than you do. Yeah. I've studied it. I've studied you. I love the idea. I know you better than you know you. I like the idea.

And there's not much to know. It's actually the easiest PhD to read you get. I like the idea of... I know how to eat pussy. I actually... That's what it's all about. I know the math equation. It's all about eating pussy.

But I like the idea of... taking one of those women's study classes and just... I like the idea of just asking dumb questions. It's so funny. I like college. I was good. I enjoyed school. Really?

Yeah. I hated it. I hated actual college. I mean, I like the outside aspects of getting fucked up. I was one of the... I did like an IB program in high school and I got all these credits where I could start taking college for free at the University of Minnesota. I could start taking college courses for free.

But I was 18, my senior year of high school. and I was like... Wait, wait, you went through IB? Yeah, it was like an IB program. That's a waste of like aggressive time though because isn't it so intense? Isn't it so you do it so you can get to do like a really good school?

Yeah, and I didn't utilize any of it. I just did it because like they told me I should. Yeah. So I got ahead on all these credits in high school. So then I would only have to take two classes at the high school and then I would go to the U and take like three classes. And then I was like, do I have to do that? And they're like, well, we can't make you because you're 18.

And I was like, great. I could have taken three college classes for free. And I didn't do it my senior year. And I was like, great. So I just took two classes my entire senior year. Oh, my God. Rolled in at 11 a.m. fucking left at 1.30.

What did you do with your day? Just smoke weed all day? Just smoke cigs. Oh, yeah. I was working at a hardware store. So I was just like, I was just making like, 40-year-old man. Dude, yeah, I was just working with like, I was making like money.

And I had like, like, because I had a real job. And I just like wasn't in school. and I could just come to the party with like cocaine and like and I buy alcohol for I was like I had a car. Oh, that's a good. I was driving my mom's minivan. Oh, that's great. And they hated me.

They hated me at the high school because I would just like. What? How are you going to do these parties? He's the most hated man. No, no, no. No, like the staff. Look at him showing up with his cocaine in his minivan. All of his tools in the back.

His callous hands. You're just swinging an owl and wrench around. What's up? How's it going? Kids. Some nerds. Opening and closing a tape measure. Say when.

No, this is high school staff. Like the teachers, because I would like come in, laid, and kids loved him. Teachers feared him. No one even liked, you know. I was all right.

I was just lazy. But it was like my biggest regret, though. Is what? Not taking those college class. I could have just gotten like free college education. What would you have done with that? We're all committed. It's pointless.

I know, I know. It was pointless to begin with. Like, I mean, maybe it helped me get my office assistant bullshit jobs. I'm sure it helps me. That's a good point. I don't know what I would. You know, yesterday I got hit by a bicycle. That's how I got to scratch.

Yeah, you got a scar on your leg. It's a scratch. I hope it scars. Were you walking? Yeah, I was walking. Nice. Guy hit me. Is that all you had to say?

It affected me. Yeah, you're traumatized. I wanted to bring it up. I was like, what the fuck, man? And he's like, I thought you were going to keep going. That's so funny. He hit you his bike. He was like, I thought you were going to walk faster while I was coming at you.

He was only like one of those automated bikes. Good defense. I mean. Yeah. I didn't think you were going to be there when I drove my bike directly in that spot. I didn't know. He like ran right into me and I was like and he just fucking kept going. And then he started slow down.

And then I was like in my head, I didn't even freak out. I was just like, oh, this is happening. I'm getting hit by a bike now. Yeah. And it wasn't obviously that bad. The emotional damage was. You're in therapy now. Much more.

I'm in therapy. You ever been hit by a car? Yes. I have a buddy. Really? Several times. Both you guys? Several times?

Yeah. Like my body. My physical body. Really? What else would get hit? Your soul? I was emotionally hit by a car. What do you?

Like me and a car. Oh, okay. I've been like loose body, me has been hit by a car. So you were walking. Yeah. And a car hit you. Yes. How many times is that happened?

Three. Jesus. I don't think it's the car. I think you're walking into traffic. Never like insanely that bad, but like in parking lots, I've gotten hit a few times. Not never like that bad You roll over in the hood

I've gotten my foot ran over twice That was the worst In addition to the three hits No this I think I would include the You got hit twice And foot twice If I got hit by a car They would have to call an ambulance for the car

Yo yes Yes Because I'm so fucking Because that ass Because I'm tick as hell girl I'm thick as hell I was my basketball coach growing up You gotta lower those eyebrows Michael

I won't I'm just kidding You keep them raised Oh my buddy's worked at a hardware store And he said that the first thing the guys told him He goes You got two rules here You got to grow mustache

You got to introduce us To some high school chicks That's what I think Yeah I can't Still can't grow a mustache But you know a ton of high school And I never lose those connections Because your network

Is your net worth Yeah Yeah It's not making money Real estate. Yeah. Houses. No, yeah. They would, like, plop, like, I think about, I was 15 years old, and I think about, like,

grown men being, like, you want to SIG? And I'm like, yeah. Like, I have, like, a high voice. Like, my voice didn't even, like, drop. Yeah, I know. So I'm like, yeah, I want to, give me a cigarette. Give me a cigarette. Grown dudes who work on hardware stores are, like, the biggest piece of shit.

Yeah. Or restaurants. Or restaurants. Or, or, I had this guy. Restaurants. This grown man at Florida, or he went to Florida State University. I worked at this Bondi restaurant. The guy literally goes, hey, man, you know where he gets some oxy cottons?

And I was like, hell yeah. So I get this guy like 40 oxycontons. Hell yeah. And he just never pays me back. And I'm like, this grown man stole oxy cotton from a 16 year old. I'm like, you're a piece of shit. He needs it. He's like a fucking fondue restaurant.

So how'd you get 40? That's pretty impressive. I think it was like 30 because my friend had a prescription. My friend's like, yeah, I just broke my leg. I'm like, yeah, cool. I want to get, because this guy was in a fraternity in college that I wanted to rush the next year. That was always. So he's like, yeah, man, I'll give you the hookup.

I'll introduce you to everybody. Yeah, that was always the move. And I'm like, oh, man, that'll be sick. Yeah. When, like, someone in high school. I'm sure he's really plugged in there. He's like 40 taking pills working. Yeah, he's got a lot of pull at the pie cap house.

Well, he's working at a heart. Did you can just drink enough or eat enough fondue, it feels like oxy cotton. Yeah. I love you. Dude, it's dipping oxy cotton in cheese. It's just kind of popping up. So good. Fundu's good on everything.

That's awesome. I never, I hope it's, I think I've done, like, like twice. Like when I was a kid one time. What, fondue? No, opiates. I think I had a little

and done it twice because my, uh, we'd say to my grandparents. What? All right, I'll move on. No,

no, no. What, oxy? Or fondue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You seem like an opiates guy. I,

in high school a little bit. Yeah, yeah. I tried it, I got everything a little in high school and I kind of stopped. What do I seem like? But that was the move.

If someone, like, uh, got like their tonsils removed or wisdom teeth out, they'd be like, yo, I have heroin. And everyone would be like, nice.

We'll do the heroin pills at the party this weekend. Yeah, he's like, I'll wait three hours. Yeah, guys, guys, I'm not taking any, so I'm in a lot of pain right now. So we can all do all the heroin pills at once at the party. And we're just like, great, that's great news, man. But I'm in more emotional pain from not having friends. So it's worth it if I could tell you guys this.

Yeah, which is like, the pain of being alone will be greater than the bleeding in the back of my throat. from the major operation I just went through. Yeah, dude, I was a major operation. Dude, you, I, you blew my mind on the walk over here. Just, I'd do that. To everybody, countless times. Yeah, he's to it, but.

What did I say? What did I say? This dude gets, he gets bedridden sick because of. Throat infections. Throat infections. Like a few times a year. Really? At least a few times a year.

Yeah. It's probably the second. You don't say. Come on. What? Come on, you're lying. What? You know, you know.

throat infection. All right. What do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you know, what do you know, what do you know what do you not believe? Oh, what, what do you, what do you want to me, these, these aren't, these aren't, skies that I got cigarettes put out on me when I was a kid, huh? Is that you want to want to say, huh? Did you guys start? Did I got hit? Did you guys start doing comedy together?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We almost, we almost did something that we would have gotten in trouble for now. I'm going to say this, we can cut out later maybe. There was an all female show in our town. And we were like, dude, let's dress up like girls and do all. of our material from a woman's point of view.

We should have done that. That would have been the greatest thing. Like now if you would be like... Wait, you didn't do it? No, no, because... That's so funny. Yeah, yeah, I was like... Because there was so little stage time

in Tallahassee. There were some great spots, but I was like... There was still little stage time, but we literally consider... I love it when like... Like, okay, all... Okay, we can maybe cut this. All female shows are great. That's like awesome and good, but it's funny.

You're saying that because I don't want misinformation on my podcast. Yeah. I just looked in the camera. I was like... Yeah, I'm kidding. I just think it's funny in like small comedy scenes where there's like 30 comics. It's like, we're doing it all. It's like there's like there's like there's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's like none.

You're doing a weekly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's three women in this. Well, even in the city, there's some shows. Dude, that shows packed out to the all women's show. Oh, yeah, yeah. I went to a few. It's just dude's trying to get pussy.

That'd be so much a bunch of horny guys and dredge coats. Yeah. Dude, you got to come to the show. It's like all these like damaged women. We don't have to go to the women shelter anymore. they're hearing jokes that are like dibs, dubs. Dibs. So I got an abortion.

Dibs. Nice. God, she's fucked up awesome. This is beautiful. She's responsible. Yeah. Yeah, well, even here, like, I know there's, like, there's one all-female show that they started out as an all-female show.

And, like, three weeks later, it was, like, a mostly female guy. Because it's just... Because you run out of... Yeah. Also, to be fair, women get booked. So it's kind of like, it's like they are doing other shit. Because, like, you know what I mean? it's like they're busy.

Yeah, every woman I reach out to for my show is like, sorry, I'm booked. That happens. Yeah, when I was running a show. And every guy is like, please. Yeah. Every, every woman I book is like very funny. And, you know, but I'm just like, hey, can you?

And they're like, sorry, I'm busy. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck. Yeah. And then every guy's like, I'm just going to. And then I have five guys who message me like, I'm going to call myself, but I'm going on your show. To the show and if there's room, awesome.

And I'm like, but they're just like, hey, I'm just going to, if you have time. But I'll just be around. Yeah. You know? Did you say that too? I mean, in nicer ways. Just circling the block. Yeah.

Did you need anybody? No. Yeah, do you need anybody? Did you say my name? Yeah. Did anybody call me out? Yeah. You say Dan?

Oh, no, you didn't say Dan. Okay, sorry. It'd be funny to be a guy to start an all-female. I know a guy that did that. All-Fuel. There's a guy in... It's such a creepy move. There's a guy.

This guy doesn't do comedy anymore. He's not anybody we know. So I could just... This is a random guy. I don't know. No, random guy in Tallahassesey post the face of page. like I'm trying to run an all-female comedy show. You guys run out here.

So little Charlie's Angels actually. Wow. That's pretty sad. Hoties only no fat bitches. I'm a good guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a good guy comedy show.

I'm one of the good ones. Yeah, we got a green room. It's my trailer. Come out back. Oh, where I live. I'll be giving back massages before the show. It's courtesy of me. I love him to be like,

Listen, you're on attractive. It's like, we want to represent women. You want this to be something women are proud of. You can't be on the show. I can't believe the guy actually did that. Gross women. Yeah. We want to feminism, we need a hot face to feminism.

Oh, I mean, there's a lot of, there's a few, like, producers, comedy, male comedy producers in New York that will, like, hire, like, female comics that just started to be, like, their interns. And I know one of them will, like, will make them go to his house and, like, fold his laundry and shit. No way. I swear to God. Yeah.

And like... We're gonna have to cut this part. That's literally just... I did that one summer. I don't. It cost me so much money. I was gonna say your name. Do they pay?

I don't even think they get paid. They've got like some stage time. Damn. To fold laundry? Dude, he would like... I didn't hear anything... I think I know what you're talking about. Bad sexually, but like it was a lot of creepy shit.

I had one friend that was like working before I was like, you need to stop immediately. Yeah, yeah, that's so sketchy. And I was like, fucking, who is this guy? Like, yeah. And she was, no, no, so I'm like, well, stop working. Stop that immediately. That's not right.

Yeah, yeah. Tell me after the pot, I think I know. Yeah? Yeah. I'm running an all Filipino women comedy. She likes to be it. That's the problem is they speak English. Ages 18 to 24.

Yeah. Only. Yeah, really, just really specific. And then there's another comedy producer, a guy that I'm thinking of, and he does kind of a similar thing where he'll always pick like these younger, more attractive female comedians

and like, he'll like show them all this special attention book it on everything and get them before it. Like it's just like there's like all these fucking creeps. I don't always say special. They're just say special effects. He's just on his computer.

Give him an interview. Look it makes it looks like a school of us is blown up. Isn't that sick? It's a funny way to show off to chicks. Just like, check it out. You want to see, uh, you know,

I'll probably no animation like the next three, four months. What's your favorite cartoon? Damn, that's great. You got high school photos? I could put you in outer space. This is you on the moon. How far do you want to go?

You want to stay in the solar system? I can take you out of this world. You and me, baby. It is funny that I was talking to some women. They do have stories about dudes that are like that. Yeah, the most biggest piece of shit of all time. funny how bad they are at like hitting on women where it's like you're like what is this

it's like every literally every woman has had like the most horrible like experience yeah every like guy anything we could conjure up that's like dog shit they're like yeah I know exactly dude there's like so many guys just like in the Minneapolis comedy scene who were like just like ah kind of like Stan Hope hacks

you know what I mean just super like wanna be edge words but they were like 30s that like want to be like when I started they were like 30 35 year old guys. Just say my name. Yeah. Yeah.

But they're like 35. I'm like, you know, 19 starting out. And then they're just like... You know those guys love doing giving advice? They love getting...

Just ran advice, bro. Yeah, like I wore shorts, uh, one summer. Oh, big mistake. That's gonna ruin your ass.

And a guy was just like, you know, he's like, you don't wear. He's like, you don't wear shorts on stage. And I'm like, and this is before like,

I mean, like, I was listening a podcast, but like, I just didn't know. I was just like, I just like, I just want to do comedy. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, oh, that's the rule. Like, don't. I brought a guitar on stage one time, and they're like, don't do that ever. And then I'm like, and then I'm like, and then I'm like, and then I'm like, and then I'm like, and then I'm like, and then I'm like, that's fucking fun. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a good time. Yeah. It's a good time.

Anyways, all those guys, uh, were rapists. Oh, yeah. That's how that go. Like, almost all those guys, like, just are not around anymore because, like, in 2017, it's just. The wave. They got hit by the way. Good. Yeah.

They got a little bit of the way. I like there. He's like, you, no shorts on stage. Poets to a chick, shorter shorts on stage. No pants.

Can you, no pants on stage? Can you guys switch clothes right now? I want to see her in shorts on stage. Yeah. Shout out to those guys.

Shout out to Bob Tamars. He's dead? No, no, he's still around. He's still kicking ass. He's got to be kicking. I, you know,

I think he still runs his comedy. He's still posting on Facebook. We should do Bob's world famous comedy bunker. I would, I mean, is he a rapist? No. Oh, okay.

Why is it? Why is it a bunker? Does he take you in like a basement with like canned foods and stuff? Yeah, kind of. The world's basement. Is it really? Yeah, it's weird. All right.

I mean, I'm down. We'll be out there. I think that thing, it closed down. We'll get it back up and wrong. We got to get, we got the resources to get Bob's.

Let's write a movie. I'm shooting my special. Reviving Bob's bunker. What's it called? We had a crack kid in Orlando. She filmed a comedy. Those are always the funniest. Those are always the funniest.

And she did like an hour at her just like yelling at people and this like public area. Oh my god. She was like a meth head. She's like, fuck y'all. I'm making it. And she's white.

She's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, she's like, I'm gonna forget about all of you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, Florida you get a lot of white people who are, um. Catch me outside. How about that? Yeah, you get a lot of bad babies. She's like,

I'm represented by Trident Records now. Bad baby's from Florida. I think so, right? Like that type of white person's only. Bad baby's crushing it. Yeah. She's on top. She's on top.

She's on, she made on top of the scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, there's this guy. I don't, I don't know his name, but there's this comic who, uh, was posting about, someone told me this. He's posting about, he's, he's going to shoot a special at the tiny cupboard, but in the, in the small upstairs room, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, the mushroom room they call it. Yeah, where it's, it's literally smaller than this living room. Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean?

And he's, he's going to, you see in there, though. Yeah, I'm no easy in my apartment right now. Um, yeah, it is hot. Um, but that's a lot. Um, um, but that's a lot. I do it to keep you guys on edge. I wanted your brain stimulated. Yeah, yeah. So some comic told me he filmed it.

And like, whatever, maybe like 15 people came. And, like, you know, I think he did. It ran like a half hour there. But the camera he filmed on, you're like, got knocked down. I want to show him, but my camera died. So he, like, never released it. Because it's like. A picture.

He probably got it at Facebook. He posts up like it's lonely. Yeah. That's what it's. It's like he got knocked out. He should have did what Andrew Schultz said. He should have been like, guys, I spent my life save. Netflix wouldn't take this.

They said I was too edgy. Footage is just the camera fall. Yeah. So I bought it back. Yeah, you know. That's the new brag that no one took it. No one took it. Which anyone can say it.

Like a homeless guy can say it. Like no one's buying my comedy special. Netflix didn't even want it. It's too edgy. Like a homeless guy A man You have two women urinating on each shirt

It's not even stand up Yeah Netflix It's what about That's art Yeah Yeah just a homeless guy Like holding up a sign

Like Netflix won't Take me Yeah Would take me in No one Hulu Nothing HBO

Nothing You know Quibi Forget about it Put them out of business Peacock Not a chance I was gonna talk

About the Boston thing But I think we're running out of time What's the Boston thing There was a bombing, dude. Come on me. Yeah, I heard about that.

He's sensitive. Some bald guy opened for me. Yeah, dude. What was his name again? I don't know. I was like fucking... William. This is really bad.

Yeah, no, we're not doing it. I don't even want to mention it because I wanted to bring it up because I think it's a fun story, but I'm not going to forget it up. I'm not bringing it up. You wasted too much so I'm talking about your shit and come. That's the greatest thing I've heard.

That was great. You drop a deuce. And then I... Bust. and then wipe my cum and then wipe my ass is my last priority. It's so bad. I'm fucking Dave Chappellelling.

It's how funny that. And then I'm telling you, I do this right before bed and I just lay in bed and just stare at the ceiling and I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me? It's your girlfriend next. Were you two worst? The bar blowing me is so loud that I put ear plugs in. So I'll do all that. Put in ear plugs. I got a face mask.

And then I'm just staring at black It's just looking, imagining my poop with gum floating by it. Like a lava lamp almost. And I'm like, what is... What have I created? I'm like Oppenheimer. I'm like, I am death destroyer of worlds. That's awesome.

There's people down there like just making casual small talk. You're up here coming on your shit. Dude. Hey, what's going on? there's nobody upstairs coming on. Oh, man. So mad. Ah, shit, fuck.

Ah, fuck, shit. Just in your stink. It's a... I did that the other night after bombing. That's a real. Yeah, that's how you got to get it out. Factory reset, baby. Factory reset.

Factory reset. What do you guys want to promote? You guys got something? We have a show. We have a show. If you like all these shit comes jokes. It's a lot of that. Yeah, it's a lot.

Then you got a lot. love our show. We actually, it's a really fucking, it's a good show. It's a very good show. Yeah, it's like a very good show. Yeah, it's, um, the only show that's happening in New York City that evening too. Yes. September 7th, 8 p.m. At Karma. Carma Lounge, uh, in the East

Village. On East First. It's also first, I believe. It's, uh, high school students get in for free, right? Oh, yeah. Every, every show. Well, they get in for free and free drinks. No, no, no. There's no age restriction, right? There's, there's an age restriction. You can't be 18 and above.

It's an under 18 only show. It's an aquarium. It's like a team club. Come to the show. Please go to either of our Instagram's bios or my Twitter bio to buy a ticket. You Weber's listening is dead. Yeah, they died. They got into a car crash.

It's good good karma comedy. September 7th, 8 p.m. follow me at Dan Mancarnie. They might be out of the coma by then. That's true. There might be stitches on your head. What a better way to celebrate. If you're high on OxyCot and you just got out of the hospital, your second birth, then by coming to the show that we're hosting together at the Carmel Lounge,

it's a great idea. Yeah, there's a guy who crashed his car into a light post, and it's just, he's just on the horn, like, uh, and then this. Yeah, come to our show! And these plugs are just playing through the speaker. This outro is just playing through his speaker right now. And the cops find his mangled body. Turn it off.

And it's just, and it's just, and it's just, Mom crying. Like, my baby. My baby. He's like, yeah, you could come on your own shit. Yeah, it's Michael's voice. My baby. She hates...

Call it. Yeah, I poopied in my common. Come poops, comsies, daddies. So do you just come into the road? I didn't go to college. Yeah. I didn't go to college. So it's like a naked guy?

It's a noodle. Yeah. She just puts her son back in the car and drives away. Yeah. Come to the show. Come to the show. Yeah. All right.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for having us, Michael. Yeah, okay.