Morning Good - What Have I Done? - Episode 205

Episode Date: January 21, 2024

Wolfgang Hunter and Paddy Defino join the show for today's episode. They talk about letting your Hasidic landlord assume that you're Jewish, visiting Little Saint James island in 2024, and motivational techniques to start getting stuff done.Big thanks to Wolfgang for joining the show for the first time. Check him out at the links down below for more funny stuff. Shoutout to Paddy for coming on again, he's on a whole bunch of recent episodes so check those out as well.Wolfgang is on Instagram @wolfgang_hunter and TikTok @wolfganghunter_comedy. Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky and hosts News From Bed on YouTube.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.This podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, good, good. Hey, welcome to the air.

Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right, we're here with Wolfgang Hunter. Hey, what's up? Sorry, I was just seeing if Zins were killing me or not. Really? I wanted to see if I needed to kill myself, if there's anything worth, living for. Yeah, was there?

Yeah, apparently Zins aren't as bad as smoking cigarettes is for like mouth cancers. Yeah, well, I think it is kind of annoying. There's always those people that are like, you know that's bad for you. It's like, and compared it to sin to what? It's like people say like melatonin's bad for you, but it's like I've also been like taking massive amounts of night cold for like a decade.

Yeah, I don't even know. I mean like the thing is like say it's science advances far enough that we figure out how to just completely expunge carcinogens from society. We figured out how to reverse aging. Then people would still die. It would just be people dying

from like improbable over the course of infinity like Looney Tunes deaths. What do you mean? I was like, you know, like yeah, my grandpa, you know, he's immortal. He's no where he lived in a moral society, but he got crushed by a giant piano the other day. I guess anything's possible over time. It's just improbable. Yeah,

that's a good point. So, yes, like because you're not dying of certain things, you'll die from other things. Yeah, it's inevitable over, it's just mathematics. Sorry to be a Hold it up. Yeah, yeah. Hold it up like that. Yeah, it's mathematics.

Yeah. Yeah, I hit the sauna and now I'm doing like math. Dude, I've, I've accelerated. I took the limitless bill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of, uh, of sonaing today. What does it do? Because I've done the sauna before, dude, one of my friends is such a fucking retard.

Last time we're in the sauna, he, you know how you're supposed to put water on it? Like the rocks to make it, like, into a steam room? Oh, I've never. Oh, I've had to be in the sauna. So you're supposed to put, like, water on it. My buddy put, like, Gatorade on it in the whole room and smelled, like, burnt sugar. Oh, yeah. put stuff with sugar in it because he's kind of

doing like a half right thing but like it's being like he's fucking it up by being retarded is that you're supposed to put essential oils on it to smell good. Yes. Those are oils but you don't want to yeah you don't want to burn sugar or hair like organic matter like that. It seems like that's like how

you would make cotton candy is like burning sugar. Isn't that like how it seems like actually how you'd make a bomb sugar is a big component in bomb making. That's how they made those commercial. Remember when people were sweating Gatorade? Yeah, just Michael Jordan's Sweating

A couple other things I don't want to say at all Because you probably have to put this up somewhere Yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah But he knows Yeah wait wait wait wait So where did you look up out of

Just curiosity I just I'm just cool like that Yeah I looked up how to make personal meth Out of like curiosity There's things like that Yeah that's pretty Yeah that's that's out there

Yeah Yeah But you also you ran into You ran into I said that like you guys See other Colin Farrell Oh yeah Colin Farrell goes to

Yeah That's on I go to Yeah. He was cool. I asked him if he was Colin Farrell. And he said, no, I'm Morsi. And I was like, oh, you're Colin Farrell. Yeah.

And then I sat next to him during the off goose. And I was just like, I used to Sona. Oh, God, maybe I never sonnet. No, I just kidding. I didn't do that. I was just like, I was like looking. I was like, wow, how about that? Yeah, yeah.

Was he like the sauna, you put on like a, like a towel, right? It's not like a naked thing. No, we know. Everybody is on swim trunks. It's Americanized. But he was very much like a celebrity. He was doing like a little like, underwater flips in the pool

and just like using the space. Like he was like, he didn't feel like he was uncomfortable. Like everybody else, like regular people that like aren't rich or famous, you can like when they're in nice spaces like that, they're trying to figure out ways to make themselves smaller. He was like,

how do I let everybody know? I was like, yeah, that's Colin Farrell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so funny too because like they're always doing that thing where they're like, yeah, I don't want any attention. And they're like, yeah, your job is getting attention. Yeah, just submerging and breaking the surface of the water. I'm like,

he turns into a lobster in the water. Well, because it's like, it's very funny with that, it's like a thing where like there's all those celebrities that are like, man, if I could just act, they're not be. It's like, no, you know you want. Yeah. Was he in Harry Potter? I can't remember.

He was in the spin-off thing. He played like the Grinwold guy that like shape shifts. He's one of the guys that plays Grinwold. That was the one where the new one was where they made Dumbledore gay, right? Maybe. I think Dumbledore is always gay. Right, but it was like, I think Harry Potter's always been gay.

I thought. Everybody in that was gay. It's pretty fucking gay. But I don't know if it's like, like, because she came out after all the movies were like done. And then she's like, Dumbledore. You used to be gay. Yeah.

Oh, God, maybe you never were gay. Yeah. I remember me daddy used to suck me penis. I used to be gay there together. And me, mommy, my, mommy would cry a little bit. Is this Colin Farrell? Yeah, Colin Farrell and the banshees of Suck O'Sherin or whatever. I don't know.

We're basically doing Thumb Town right now. that's what I know him from. I think his dick sucked by his dad. Yeah, I think his name is my name. You know me from getting molested. I think he had the same name. Famous molestation victim, Colin Farrell. Yeah, he's in there.

He's in Bruges. No, yeah, I've seen him as stuff. He's in True Detective Season 2. Dude, I saw that. I remember my freshman year of college, I was... He's skinny now. That's the one thing I did want to say to him is like, you were so fat in True Detective Season 2, but you ruled.

Yeah, yeah. Wasn't he the penguin? Dude, yeah, he was a great fucking... He was a penguin, he was a lobster. I could have gotten cast in Batman if I sucked him off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The newest one.

Yeah, that was, uh, no, I was the only one. I thought it was kind of cool. They keep making them like as real... I don't know how much more realistic they can go without it being interesting. Yeah, Batman? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't mean to call it you off, too, with your story about your friend.

What was I even saying? You said something about your friend or your cousin? I don't know. I don't know. I was dumb. I watched true detective in the fraternity house. It was leading fucking nowhere. Nowhere, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's hiding a rape. He raped some point in the fraternity house. You know what? Now that I'm halfway through the story. He's like, I think there's a clue in your pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but, um, what was I saying?

Yeah. You're like Colin's character and like the, the banshees. You just keep falling around. The girl you raped. It's like, come on, why won't you talk to me anymore? I thought we were friends. Is that way? He raped somebody that tries to be friends with them?

It's just a guy decides that he wants to leave his mark on the world. And he's like, I'm just wasting all my life. I've wasted my life hanging out with my retarded friend. Yeah. Like actually retarded friend? No, but he was just like, he was maybe a little simple. He was just like very like, he was happy. That's what it is.

The movie tries to mask it as like intelligence, but the, I think the takeaways that he was much happier than this guy that was focusing on his legacy and how to like leave his mark. Yeah. Because Brendan Gleason's character was just like. And I'm moody. If I keep hanging out with him, I'm going to waste everything. Yeah. Also, he cuts off his finger. He's like, I'm going to be the best violinist ever and then still cuts his finger off to

prove a point. Yeah, because he's like, every time you talk to me, I'll cut off my finger. Dude, I kind of get it, though. Like, I've never seen this movie. But, like, there's something that I just get so bored with life sometimes that when I see somebody doing something out of the ordinary, I'm kind of like, this is sick. But I'm also, I have a very... Cutting off a finger.

Yeah, I'm like, dude, I saw a guy, too. I saw two guys playing air hockey one time. And the dude's like, loser cuts off his pinky toe. And I cut, I talked them out of it. And now that I did that, I'm like,

no, what do you usually need your fucking pinky toe for? Yeah, balance. People say that. You do need it for balance. Really? Yeah.

I guess, I was like, how would they prove that? I'm like, multiple people have lost pinky toe. So I'm sure they know immediately they can't walk. Yeah.

But I get like so bored with fucking life that I'm like, I always kind of respect somebody who like, like, this is really cheesy baseline level coolness, but fucking Scarface that scene where he's like, you guys don't have the, I'm the bad guy. Yeah. I've never seen.

I've never seen it. I mean I'm like, bore out. I'm about the guy. Arnold Schwarzenegger. But it's like that like I, the whole scene is he's like calling these people. He's like, you guys are just too much of fucking pussies. He's like, you guys aren't good people. You just are too much of fucking pussies to do what you want to do with your life.

So you're just, you're only not a criminal because you are scared to do what you want to do. I'm not the worst person than you. I just have balls. Yeah. Well, you didn't say that guy from cutting his, cutting his, cutting his pinky toe off. Yeah, I think the next day I would have felt really guilty

if I egged him on. I was just like, let's fucking do it. And the next day I'm like, there's just a video of me watching a guy get his pinky guy. I don't know how he would do.

It's like the parking lot of like a sports bar. That's cool. Can you die from that? Like if you cut your pinky toe on? Sure. They were like two like, one of them was,

I thought of something, who gives a fuck. But one of them was like a bounty hunter. So he'd show me like POV videos him just like breaking into people's houses. And they would like, it would be like him like kicking

over like a lamp been like breaking a photo in their house and being like, you're a real house, like, I don't know how it. He's just like rating the fridge. Let's see what we got in here. Leftover KFC. That's going to give me diarrhea. P.O.V. I'm having sex with the guy's wife.

And then be like, all right, he's going to be home in 15. Okay, I'll rest him. Bounty secure. Dog guys, fucking, doesn't he have platform shoes? That's what that pedophile hunter we're saying on here. Dog the bounty hunter? Apparently he has like ginormous platform. Wait, is his rival a pedophile hunter?

No, no, no, no, I had a pedophile hunter on this podcast. You had a pedophile hunter on this podcast. Yeah, yeah. Not like he's like... That's pretty cool. He's not like killing them. He's just like... He's tracking him down.

Was it Colin? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had him on? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I talked to him at the stand. I was like, I kept insinuating. He's like, you do this because you got molested. He's like, no, I just think it's like a funny, like, also interesting thing to do. I'm like, yeah, because you got molested.

Yeah, no, I just like wearing plaid all the time. Did he ever craft? on it, it was like, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's what I would guess, too. Yeah, no, for sure. No, for vengeance. Yeah.

It's just, yeah, it's, it's funny also to, like, be dressed, like, the way he's dressed and be like, all right, we need to be discreet. So we get the drop on these guys. Yeah. It looks like a hot air balloon. Yeah, definitely, it's not the, I definitely shouldn't be looking out for that guy dressed

like a far cry villain. Yeah, he really does look like he should be coming out of an air balloon. Yeah. Yeah, he looks like he should, he's chasing pedophiles. down on an airboat like, we're gonna get you now, boy. We're getting all them boys, boy. I say the word, boy, quite a lot in this sentence, boy.

Like a steam-powered, like, air vessel. That would be sick if he got them like that, like he threw him in a boat. Yeah. Kind of just like flopping around, like with their hands be out of their back. Oh, yeah. I like his angle, though, like a... It sounds like an anime almost like steam punks that hunt down pedophiles. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, Uki Kassi no shoe up. It's like, Stop the boat. Kukikasinket. Yeah, the air balloon's awesome. Like, maybe he has, like, one of those Batman grappling hooks,

and he just, like, zip lines down and gets him. Yeah. He's got to have, like, a crew, though, with him. Oh, yeah. Like a really big fat guy, a small girl. And we want to use dangling a kid from a rope, and that's, like, how he kind of gets him, like, fishing.

Trolling around. It makes the kid standing, and he just pulls him up. Like, It would be like scared. That is a form of fishing pedophile. It really is like the most... It just be so funny that you have like steampunk pedophile hunters and they're like, all right, I have to wind up my gadget.

Like, the pedophile just takes out a gun and shoots a head. Yeah. It's like, oh God. Oh, fuck. No. Why do we use gadgets? We had guns the whole time and we're using gas. I didn't know they could make gears that small.

Fuck. Yeah, it's nobody that drugged you. Why are we using Roob Goldberg machines to get guns? pedophiles. It is so weird, though, because, like, every drug dealer, like, is, like, they're always like, all right, I'm not going down without a fucking fight. And you can go to jail for drug dealing and get out and be on some, now you're a podcaster.

Yeah. But pedophiles go down. They just go down. They just go down. They're like, all right, y'all got me. Yeah, yeah. Well, they're going to do to you in jail. It's like, oh, no.

They just think jail is time out, though, because they're hanging out with kids all the time. Yeah, there's never, there's never, dude, that would be so, to catch a predator where he's like, no fucking way I'm coming out. Yeah, that's why I thought it would be scary. I wouldn't want to be, I don't even like being around pedophiles. Being on this podcast is sketchy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now that your roommates with me, you see what really happens.

I see what happened. A lot more cunning than I thought. Yeah, yeah, I keep him, uh... Yeah, Colin hunts the hunters, huh? Yeah, dude, the best one, I sent him one the other day that was really funny. It was like, a guy who, I think I said you this would do, a guy who, he's stopping a fucking,

an Amish pedophile guy. Like, he goes, you're going here to meet an underage girl? And he's like, no, I was just gonna, I wasn't going to do any,

I was going to just see if she wanted to go for a ride in my wagon. But I don't know if it's legit, but if that is legit, that is fucking hilarious. Yeah. Like he was just mailing 15-year-olds.

Well, he's also Amish, so probably to him, he's like, wait, you can't marry a 15-year-old? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't come to our barn. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't come to our village. Yeah, how does that work with religious freedom? Yeah. What if I create a religion where I am only, you're only allowed to fuck kids? Well, can you hold the pyre on your body? Sorry. I don't know. If we learned anything about... Okay, can you hold here?

Pire. Yeah. If we learned anything about what you can do with religious freedoms and this whole tunnel escapade. Oh, yeah, yeah. That hasn't even been covered on. I don't understand what the purpose of the tunnel was. I think they were trying to build the, like, Green God's fault in Harry Potter. I think they were trying to make literally.

And they're like, there's a, will we watch the Harry Potter? We could make an underground bank, so we don't have to, you know, keep all... We can take all the security deposits that we take from all the white people. They move to Brooklyn. And we put their security deposits in a magical steampunk, so the power of a vote. Defended by Colin?

Yeah. Defended by people that are so anti-Semitic looking, when the police come, they just say, oh, never mind. I'm not going to touch this. It is fun. That's a good, uh, Hasid accent. Because it's weird, it's not Israel.

It's not Israeli quite. It's like, I don't know, I don't know how you describe it. It's like, they're just every aspect of who they are. They're like, how can we be the most embarrassing version of a human being? They do talk like a race of people that have been left underground for millennia. And so for them to be like that to be these like weird skittish mole people and then us be like, well, they're making tunnels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never saw that one coming.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're not allowed to like that. like look at women. They aren't their wives who are like the silk razor building tunnels. You're like, can't they like not wipe their ass on like Saturdays or something? Say what they can't do.

They can't clog a fucking toilet ever. Because our fucking shit's been clogged for a week now. Oh, you have a hostage landlord? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very nice guy. Yeah. But I'm only saying that to not looking at Sites. He also thinks Michael's Jewish.

He's like, Michael. Yeah. Oh, Michael, Bubla. Michael Good to see you. Dude, I should. October 7th, you know, it's still thinking about it. Yeah, he is like, I don't know if I ever told him I'm not Jewish. Don't.

Yeah, there's no reason to. Don't, dude. Can you believe he's a millionaire, though, probably? Probably, I am. Yeah. You wouldn't know. Yeah. Well, he came in, because have you met him or have you met, you met the other one that came in here?

And she gave us the keys. I met the most Jewish person I've ever seen. That was both of them. Yeah. That is, like, what those guys are. Like, they're so Jewish. that if I were to like draw a picture and like have it on my person.

People would be like, what are you doing with that? Where did you get this? Where'd you get that photo? Where did you get this picture? I mean, I remember just like, there's like, it's, I feel, I really do feel for Jewish people because it's like, they're, like, they're, like, they can't win.

Like, I remember I was just like listening to this Holocaust survivor speak one time when I was in middle school, the JCC. And she was just talking about how she would like eat like every, day she would like eat her family's like jewelry and like kind of just keep passing it through digestive system to try to keep the Nazis from getting it as like if I was a Nazi and I saw

a Jewish person eating gold from their poop I would shoot them immediately I you know I was just going with the flow but I think Hiller I think he was on to something they eat gold yeah he takes the fucking gold out of the poop they shit gold I thought they were just collapsing centralized banking. I didn't know that was literally eating some money. It would make me feel for them a little bit more because I'd be like, well, that's why they want all the money. I mean, don't get me wrong. I would definitely, I understand her doing that. You don't want them to get it. But it just makes it like once you start seeing the other side of it, which isn't even that lady's life, it's like fast forward, her daughter's, her granddaughter's

doing comedy in Williamsburg and she's just five white claws deep and has lost her ear ring on the rooftop party that you're grab it again and said, do we protect it from the Nazis, don't? But that's anything happened to it and she did too much ketamine and drank too many white claws and she just lost her grandmother's Holocaust jewelry. Yeah, that she just shat up. And then it probably kept

eating it once it like you probably shit it out and then you eat it again. I wonder if that degrades the carrot level. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, that's why. And it is crazy too because it's like, I feel like what happens is like the most, I will say this, the most

negative things I've heard about acids came from non-Hasidic Jewish, like they're like... Oh, it's other Jewish people. You bring it up and they're like, they're like, they're the fucking... They're like, oh, my God, those light skin Jews. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They literally are the light skins of Jewish people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, imagine, because you're a Christian. Yeah, yeah. Like, what if there was a sect of Christianity, though? And they were just wearing, like, robes and crowns of thorns and just really annoying.

Like, they kept hoarding, like, bread or whatever. You'd be like, these guys fucking... suck. Oh, yeah. And I think that I do feel that with other white people that are being like annoying. In one way or another way, there's like the two liberal white people that like are like kissing like the black Israelites' feet or like the ones that are just like super racist and like, you know.

Yeah, yeah. Like I think both ends of it, you're like, but that's why it's always funny when like, Romeo and Juliet. Yeah. But it's always funny with like the other side of it. Like with your white person being like, yeah, well, I mean, you know, it's like, you know, they should be, they always get mad at certain races for not condemning the other race. It's like, once a week,

Are you supposed to be like, yeah, I don't agree with this? It's like, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's just people get caught up in the minutia of nonsense. It's like, you know, we were born to die, right? Yeah. That's a great tattoo, born to die. I don't know. Yeah, I did.

Because it's like what I was thinking about it. I was listening to Andy, like, we're not listening. We had Andy Haynes on our podcast. And he made an interesting point that's like, well, I mean, what's worse? You know, a world where white people. say a word that they probably shouldn't or a world where white people have black teenagers to deliver everything they need on a bicycle for nothing. It's like I would argue the people with their work from home jobs having black teenagers

deliver all their toiletries are worse people than, you know, a guy that's just racially confused. I know that's not what we were talking about necessarily. But that is a good point. And that relates to the last episode. Oh, you guys finally said it? No, I know. We were saying the word neger and like it came out wrong.

I was sweating for a fucking week. I was fucking just like, oh, it just sounded so. Oh, yeah, I mean, you know, Bernie Sanders almost caught that that one time. And he said, renegg. You know, he's...

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But he's also got, like, like, his fan base is a lot more. He's going to worry about it more than me. Like, I'm like, like, five days would buy it. I was just, I was just sweating.

I was telling him, I had, like, a black friend that wanted to come see a show, and I'm like, dude, he fucking heard the episode. He's going to fight me. It's going to kill me. I just thought of these crazy fucking scenarios.

Yeah. It's an alternative and the truth is that, oh, yeah, my friends aren't invested in anything I'm doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody cares. You can literally say anything. And it's like, yeah. And it's the glory of having no black friends. There's no one's going to be around here. It's like if a tree falls in the forest. I fully have ideas that like in sketches I've filmed and just haven't put out yet because I'm just so afraid of black people I went to high school with that like definitely went down. path of like activism and like yeah yeah you know getting back in touch with their roots and me like they don't want to see this sketch where i i'm like p o v you made your black friend left and

it's like a guy beating the shit out of me because they hit you when they laugh yeah that's the thing i film that i never put it out is like me and daniel golden and he like progressively like he starts like hitting me with a boxing glove like chokes me he takes out like a gun it holds it to my head but i'm also like i think i'm starting to get to the point where i'm just like i i would love to be one of those podcasters that's like they're I don't give a fuck. But what happens is I act like that for three seconds. And then immediately I'm like,

well, it corrupts you. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah. And it really, it kills a part of you that maybe shouldn't die. I don't know. Totally.

Yeah, yeah. Like there's this great video of me dancing with my cornrows in. Yeah. And I'm like, this is my favorite thing I've ever done as a human being. Yeah. That's a very funny sounding thing even in concept. Yeah.

And I'm like, but in my mind, I'm like, ah, man, you just think of like specific people and you think of your interaction. And you're like, it's just fucking.

That's the thing, that was, it's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no, like, somebody he made this point. I forget who was as a comic. She's, like, talking about Chet Hanks, but it was just like, yeah, we should be able to call that guy like a wigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, because he's not doing what he's doing on accident. He's, like, doing it on purpose. Like, no, I think pretending I'm a black person from the islands is funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, it is kind of funny. Yeah. Oh, it's, dude, he is like, I'm amazed at how self-aware he is. Have you heard him on a podcast?

He's, he's both self-aware and not self-aware. where I like I go back and forth. I think like I think that he's he's an introspective person, but I think he probably has like a couple chinks in his armor that if you hit, he would spaz. Yeah. Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah.

Which it happens to anybody. That's not. Yeah, I saw him going off like you bring vaccines and that guy gets like into it. Yeah. Or you just bring up like growing up rich or something and he's just like, no, my parents put me in a camp dog. They sent me to sleep away camp.

Like I'm like I like I like I like I like he's a. smart person, I think he understands the degradation of Western culture to a degree that makes him funny enough to know how to talk in front of cameras and then also what programs to go on to. Like, he did the Adam Freeland Show. But I also think there's a part of him

that does not know how to do his own taxes. Oh, for sure. Definitely. Yeah. Like, I think there's a lot of things. Like, I don't think he, if he got in a car accident, I don't think he'd know how to talk to an insurance adjuster. Yeah, yeah. But there's a part that is something, though, that I empathize

with so much because, like, I'm so bad. Like, I genuinely do not think I'm as a talent today. Because I think he is like an Alex Jones. He's like a, maybe not quite that level of talent, but there's a certain entertainer aspect of him that's incredible. And when you put a camera, like, I watched the white boy summer music a day. It's amazing, dude.

He's like spraying black asses with sunscreen and, like, drinking 40s. And like, it's somehow, like, he's playing, like, it's him playing like, two-hand touch football, a bunch of black chicks and they're like tackling it. I mean, this is cinematically like fucking awesome. Do you think it's all just because he has like a built-in confidence in himself?

Like, do you think a lot of people would be similar? I don't know. Yeah. That's a good question. But like that and like the, there's something that I don't know where you don't know if somebody's intentionally being funny. But there's a cinematic. I don't know. Putting sunscreen on black people is like a very absurd thing.

That's our culture. Have some. It's called the banana boat. Which is something we took from your culture. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like, I don't know, there's something about, like, the person who is sort of self-aware. But it'll happen with me, too, where I'll say something, and I don't know it's funny.

Like, I've been unself-aware. When I say something really funny, that's hilarious. And I'm like, what are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. That was, what I told you last night, that was different because I was self-aware. When I was a kid, I used to eat handfuls of Heath bars because I was stupid and I thought it was called health bars. Yeah.

Like, there's like, I think there's shit like that that I don't know is funny until somebody's like explaining to me. They're like, you're stupid. Yeah. It's kind of sad when you see a comic who is super funny but has no idea why. Yeah. Because you just know one day they're going to figure it out and then it's going to ruin it. Like that guy?

Dude, there's this guy. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's a dude on YouTube. You've definitely. seen his videos. He'll post these videos been bombing in like a full theater. He's in do you know who I'm talking? Have you seen this at all? Just saying. You're describing a lot

of people. The theater aspect throws it off a little bit. Then then I'm just starting to think of headliners I don't like. No, no, no, no, no. So this guy's like new to comedy and he's like, first off, this isn't me trying to shit on somebody because I was just his fucking terror. Like when I first started comedy. Well, how is he doing theaters if he's new to comedy?

So it's like a bit, just a giant ass room. It's like they have an open mic at like a theater. Oh, okay. But It's like I was that bad when I first started doing stand-up. But what he's doing is he's documenting. He'll write, he'll document every open mic. I'll just say his name. Michael Blank.

It is the best thing I've ever seen in my fucking line. I've never heard of that guy. Yeah, he does like videos where he'll be like, okay, so I just woke up. It's 5 p.m. I'm going to do an open mic tonight. But first, we got to write some jokes. And then he lights a candle. And he prays to the candle.

He's like, please, God, these jokes help me get some fun. fucking pussy. Yeah, every time. You can tell it's like this legitimate like, like thing where he's like there was one he was going and he's like, yeah, fucking my ex-girlfriend showed at the open mic. It's fucking awkward because she's a fucking bitch. She talked a lot of shit about me. But anyways, hopefully his new joke, get me a new girlfriend.

And then he has my, if everyone, he's one where he's, he's talking about his new jokes. He's very excited about him. The next one is just POV him in a dark car. He goes, just found out my rugby coach killed himself. Fucking sucks. But he's like totally serious. And it's just like the most like, like, like, I'm telling you, if I showed you this,

it's really the most entertaining thing I've seen in my home. And this isn't me trying to be like, oh, I do comedy. I'm, like, laughing at it. I'm like, this is like genuinely hilarious. Yeah, we got, we got hooked on it. Dude, I show like 10 people. I'm like, this is the funniest thing.

It's just like him, like his side notes, things are really funny. He's like, yeah, so I got fired from UPS because I was like, I was smoking a much of weed. Well, I was like smoking cigarettes, but I'd put weed inside the cigarettes and eventually they caught on. That's just so fucking funny to me.

Like, like, a real person's life and all that. know. Yeah. If there's a god, he hates us. That's all, that's my takeaway from everything you just say. Yeah. But the, like the video, he'll go to an open mic, and then it'll show him walking up on stage. Then it cuts to his car after. It'll be like, so, I did pretty

good, actually. It was pretty good. This joke worked. Then it cuts to that in the open mic, and it's like him telling it to like a tepid response. Then he's like, this one didn't work or whatever. And it's the editing that makes it. Like, the editing is like the office. Yeah.

It's like perfectly done. It's like, it's like, it's like, it sucks when guys like are bad at standup, but they understand every other part of like the new like marketing process. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like really well packaged. It's like poop inside of like a velvet bag. Yeah.

I don't know. All I know is that like Andrew Schultz is the end of his life. He better have like an Oppenheimer level revelation where he just starts crying everywhere. He goes. What have I done? Yeah, he walks to the pond. How do I live with this? Get this pussy out of my podcast.

studio. But it's like, in my mind, I'm like, this guy could go on to be a great guy. He's just new to stand up, but it's like the editing is just so fucking good. And it's like, I don't, just him talking about his ex and being like, I'm going to fucking show that bitch. And there's a favorite video. He goes, he goes, love is fake. Everybody fucking sucks.

Fuck everybody. He walks out of his car. He goes, hey, man. He goes, hey, what's up guys? I like that guy. It's the funniest fucking thing of the planet. As I looked out onto the content field. I recall is something Wolfgang said on a podcast.

I've become content, a destroyer of art. Dude, that sucks. What a shit life. Oh, my God. But we don't know. He's got optimism. The thing is like, there's, he's going to be good.

That's something, is, that optimism is for children. I disagree completely, dude. I think it's great. As a guy that just had a euphoric experience at Asana, I'm going to be actually surprisingly negative about this. I think looking forward and having hopeful with each other. I think that is something that's for children.

That's for people that start comedy in high school. I've seen the other end of the tunnel. There's nothing. Well, good thing, I don't even think Michael Blank started high school. So I think he'll be all right. He will get better. Like, he's doing the work. Yeah, by the way, subscribe to his YouTube channel.

Don't tell him I'm talking. Open shit about it. The light is simply an illusion created by the dark. That's all. I'm just kidding. No, but that just sucks to be like a full-grown man like delving. Like I already feel like as a guy that started when he was 16 I already feel like I destroyed my like teen years in my youth

By like deciding to do this But what would you have done otherwise? Yeah Fucking stacked bread and got pussy I only did one of those things And yeah I don't know like Well there's mixed dots on it

So like I was thinking about this today I was like Because like I freak out about my career randomly I'm like oh I should be inside editing videos And I go look You don't know whether you're going to make it stand-up or not. No, you don't. One thing that's helpful is working really hard,

but if you don't end up making it, it would be nice to have fun along the way. Yeah. And that's why I went on that date with that 44-year-old last night. And I'm like, this was a fun thing along, but I was like, maybe I won't make, I'm trying very hard, but I'm like, there's a balance to if you like only put everything into trying

to get shit, and then it's like, and that doesn't work out, then you... No, I think that's bad too. I just don't think that this incarnation of, that I'm living through is going to reach enlightenment. I think I still have to go through a couple more times. So if I'm not, you know, if I'm not learned and I haven't ascended, I might as well be as heedistic as possible.

That's my regret. Yeah, yeah. Why are you cheating on your girlfriend right now? Why are you podcasting? Sounds like Colin Farrell raped. No, I wish, dude. I would be in the Batman. I'd be Robin right now.

I'm little penguins. He's getting his dick suck. The penguin? Oh, yeah. Give me a sweet dog. Give it a little smoke. Wrap your lips around my sardine. I like that one.

I like that guy. He's very like Harvey Weinstein. Yeah. I don't know his voice. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know. I did comedy last night. Did two people.

The good news is that I felt nothing. I didn't even feel shame. I guess I'm just past this now. I don't know if I'm that bad that I just have no feedback for myself anymore. Do you think you'll quit? No. Yeah. Maybe.

I don't know. We were talking about that today. We're talking about everybody who quits, and then you hear other people talk about them. Because in your mind, like, when I hear about somebody quitting, in my mind I'm like, fucking quit her. And then people talk about them,

and they're like, they were so happy. Yeah. Oh, God damn it. What, you ran out of battery? Oh, fuck me in the ass. All right, let me check something real quick. Sure.

Wow. There's going to be probably folks a part of the podcast that just has, like, I don't know, Rick and Morty clips or something. Yeah. In between... Just put Michael Blank videos.

How long was it off? like five minutes. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah, that's really bad. It was a very much. We can match my face to the anti-Semitic riff that I had. Yeah, that would be really funny.

If we just put a bunch of, just, wait, wait, wait, no, we should just montage in a sit-it guys. Yeah, a different podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I don't know. What were we talking about? Something about being just,

we're just being very negative. Was that it? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, we want to pivot. I have other things. I've been. that you're excited about? I am excited.

I need to finish editing tonight. I went to Little St. James while I was down in the tropics. No way. Are you serious? I'm being very serious. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, I went down there.

I've already done this joke. I added it as a riff on the podcast, but Little St. James is an excellent island called Big St. James. I'm like, yeah, that's varsity St. James. That's where you go to rape adults. Yeah, you have to work your way up in the kiddie league before you come into the big time.

And if they rape you on big St. James, you got to go to Little St. James. It's like the weenie hunt and we have to chewing your kids. It's fucking sponge up. Wait, so what's there? Like, what's on the island? There's like guys in golf carts circling around it while they do security. Apparently they're turning into like a luxury resort. I don't think that's actually going to happen.

I think it's just business as usual, boys. Yeah, there's no way. We're like, yeah, we're built. We just fucking permits. I guess we got to keep doing what we were doing before. But there's like a ton of island. right? They could pick a new one. He was alive for so long, like,

or at least four years. He was in jail. So it was not like, it wasn't like his, he just died and then what do we do with his island? It's like, no, he, I'm sure he, like, gave it to, like, his brother. No, Stephen Deckoff bought it for $60 million. I had to do my research before I went to the island. Who's Stephen Decc off? He's just to, like,

another, like, hedge fund manager and, like, financiate. Literally, like, somebody that fits the exact, like, descriptions and, like, vocations that Epstein did. That would be so funny that just becomes another rape I like I don't change is at all. I don't see why it wouldn't yeah because

in 2012 everybody learned that the government is spying on us through our cell phones like are we gonna get rid of that it's like no we're still gonna do that shit and everybody's like I guess if it's chill with y'all then it's chill with us yeah yeah yeah nothing changed oh word yeah that's fine yeah no I mean you see if I got it did you go alone

no I chartered a boat and went with my family we weren't allowed to go on I swam up to the island and tried to set foot on it. I got yelled at by the guys that worked security there. But you can get pretty damn close. Like, these are like kids like snorkeling off the coast of the island. Jesus, dude.

Yeah, open source, dude. That island looks beautiful. It is beautiful. It is, uh... Honestly, I don't want to speak bad about anyone that went there. Dude, holy shit. That's the fucking temple. Yeah, they repainted it.

Well, apparently it's an elevator. The theory is that it's an elevator that goes down into an underground tunnel network. Oh, my God. I'm so curious. I just want to know. Yeah, dude, you can't. I mean, it's not like they have, like, minds or anything, but, like, they got guys, like, circling that shit for, like, I don't know.

What if you can go, but you have to fuck a kid? But it's a hot kid. It's like Hotel California. You can never. You can fuck a kid, but you can never bus. I went down the hallway. I saw Bill Clinton in a dress. Stephen Hawking was watching me Jets.

man. And Hillary Clinton, well, she was just kind of being an annoying bitch. I don't have a bedtime. I'm 32 years old. That had to be happening. A hungover Bill Clinton getting bitched at by Hillary on Petty Island.

Even the water looks fucking amazing. I'm not even kidding. It's really fucked up. Oh my God. Look at that golf cart. Dude, when I when I picture a,

heaven. That's what it looks like. That looks like heaven. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. What if that is heaven? You know? Yeah. I don't think so.

Yeah, probably. But then again, like Jesus was a pedophile? Was 2,000 years old? Well, it's like if I'm already in heaven, is there truly any risk to be banished to hell? Yeah, can you get kicked out? Yeah. What did you have to change your heart, heaven? Is that a thing?

Yeah. That was what happened to the devil. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he took... He's an angel, right? Yeah, they also... They took his wings away, which, like, implies that everyone is always flying.

I don't want to die. That was my realization. I didn't have... At the beginning of the podcast, it sounded like you really did want to die. I can never tell, because you're up here is here, and you're down here is here.

So it's really hard to tell when you're actually, like, severely depressed. Yeah, you're like... Mike Trout. You're, like, always hit 300. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah, I'm in the girl brain pocket where you can never tell what I'm thinking.

No, no, yeah. Fine. Yeah, that's what it feels like. What if I show some money? That would be nice. I like money. Yeah. No, I'm just, yeah, just been working a lot this week, you know.

What do you do for work? I'm a waiter. Oh, okay. Do you think that's why your outlook on life is... Glim? Yeah. Yeah, because I think I see what people... I don't know.

Do you think it's seeing... Like, is there a nice restaurant? It's a nice restaurant. And watching the, like, what opulence is and like watching what like the highest level of status gets you and what that looks like from the outside when people are enjoying themselves. It's like I don't want to do it.

It's like when you have to go through like a slaughterhouse and you like eat meat. You're like, oh, I don't know if I want to eat this again. That's, I know life is only good when I eat this. Yeah. Like I think rich people like the rich lifestyle because they've always lived it. Like there's so many poor people like around.

Like in my last neighborhood, it was like very Puerto Rican. And like they have nothing. They have no money. they're just partying all the time. They're like the happiest people. We just cut to interviewing the Puerto Rican. He's like, bro, he said what?

Nah, that motherfucker said we was broke? Nah, no, I'm gonna get my leg back on his mouthful. Now, he's talking stupid wild shit. He's like, bro, this is fucking baller. I'm gonna go over to his house. Does anyone have two? I got PlayStation 5 and a half. Shut up.

But that is sort of like, like, remember when they had those, like articles. They had those like Yale, not Yale. They went up to Columbia and like interviewed like people like, do you think black people are like the voter ID laws they're being discriminated against? Like yeah, I mean, you know, makes them difficult for them to get their ID and like to vote and you know to register.

It's very like they make the process very confusing for them. And then they go to people in Harlem. It's like, that motherfucker is to think we retarded? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we know how to get a driver's license. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is very funny to think that like, especially in New York City, you'd have trouble like getting a, like you just go

Yeah. Well, no, that's what, like, waiting tables taught me. It's like, this is going to sound fucked up, but it taught me how to make, not make, but, like, allow black people to like me. Which is, you can't be racist to them, which people think, like, oh, you know, if we're not being, you know, racist, black people will like us. But it's like, no, they also hate it when you patronize them. Oh, which a lot of people do where you're like, they can tell when you're, like, a waiter giving them extra attention. Yeah, well, I was talking him about this. Like, the most offensive thing to me, because I did a podcast recently, J.J. Lieberman's just being really mean.

to me. I thought it was fucking hilarious. But then Jess Levin-Hopson's like, give him a break. I'm like, no, I'm more offended that you would think I would get offended than you saying something mean to me. Like the most offensive thing is when somebody roasts you and they're like, I'm sorry, I really like you, man. You're like, now I feel like you think I'm a pussy. This hurts my feelings way more than you.

Well, it's also like no disrespect to JJ, but that's like the equivalent of like a homeless guy yelling at you on the subway. You're like, well, he's saying some pretty mean things to me right now, but he has nothing to hear. So, I mean, maybe we should be nice too. Just ignore. No, but I get what you mean, yeah,

because it's like, yeah, you don't think I can take it. Yeah, yeah, that really, that really does hurt my feelings. People think I, like, I'm going to get my feelings hurt. But I, in theory, that's kind of a snake eating. Yeah, this is, yeah, I'm like skipping ahead steps in my head. I was thinking of an expression, but this joke is going to be about the expression. This is like one of the shitty Zach Alfenacus impression jokes.

This is my impression of a steampunk that's losing, his patience. Yeah, you're really grinding my gears. Is that worth it? Can we cut that and put that back? We'll put that in the part that's cut out. We'll just put that out. We'll just put that out there. Yeah. Yeah, it's so funny too because by my life, we ordered so much stuff because this is the new morning good studio. We got this giant backdrop, not here. Of the tiger. No, no. We got like one that's like a very Miami looking like, actually it's just a tropical island, which I'm so excited for. And then in my mind, I'm like, this is going to look incredible. And then now the video,

the video is always going to cut out. That's always a problem. I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't mean the real listeners are wrong. I don't mean to one up you, but for our podcasts, we went and we got a, we got a gun. Yeah. It's fake, but it looks very realistic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we just got it to wave around because I used to borrow the gun about, like,

from the pot about list guys. I used to borrow Caleb and Patrick's, like, Glock, which is, like, it's really just an Airsoft gun, but it's one of those full metal ones that looks real. Is it tip spray-panned it? Yeah, it's all spray-pinned black light. Isn't that, like, against the lawn? It is very much against the lot,

and I think they stopped giving it to me because, like, I did, like, a panel roast for our friend's birthday at Bushwick Public House. And when it was like my turn to go up, I went a blast. And I just took it out and sort of pointing it at everybody. Everybody thinks it's really funny. And it freaked some people out. And I think it got back to them.

So they're just like, yeah, we're never going to let them like. Use our fake gun. That's such a motherly thing. You aren't mature enough to play or fake. But they're my friend. So they'll always just tell me it's broken. But then they'll still post pictures of them with it. Like they're like, yeah.

I was like. You're like, it's fine. Is the gun so broken? And then they're like, yeah, it's broken. And then they're like, yeah, it's broken. And then they posted a picture of them, like, pointing at Brandon Wardell's head. But also, like, how can a fake gun be broken if its purpose is being a broken gun? Yeah, if they actually care, or didn't care, they would let you use the broken.

Well, I thought maybe that they broke in a way because Rowe had broken it and I fixed it where, like, the slide came apart. And, like, it wouldn't, it wouldn't stick back together. And then, like, I kind of, because it was, it was messed up in a way where, like, you'd pull the slide back. Yeah. Rowie did it. and they know he's stupid. But yes, I fixed it and then gave it back to them. But, like, I think it's still worth.

They just won't let me use it, which it's fine. Well, you should get another one and then come back to them. Well, that's what I did. Be like, see motherfuckers? Yeah, yeah. See how they like. That's what I did. And I added them on Twitter and I was like, I got my own now.

And they're kind of just. Don't show up to the studio tomorrow. They could be, like, more, like, unimpressed, like, disaffected by it. They're just like, yeah, that's cool. Nice. They're just happy for you. Yeah. I mean, I just let certain weird autistic things around guns get under my skin. They have the best intro, I think, in all of podcasts. They do.

Have you seen it? The podcast about List? No. It's like this like, it's like a, I don't even know what it. It's like a chabee with like these stars and stuff that like opens. I don't know. It's really cool looking. Yeah, they're New York guys. They all met at Emerson. Caleb is from like where I. grew, like from North Carolina like me.

Caleb Pitts, yeah. Yeah, I know him. Yeah, he opens. I don't know him, but they're like, they're tight with like the Comtown guys. Like, Caleb goes on the road with Adam Friedland a lot. But yeah, I got my own gun and I don't know. I've been pointing it at people on when they come on our podcast.

But I pointed at JP McDade and then he told me I had no trigger discipline and that really got to me. I was like, yeah, because I want to, I'm pointing at you because I mean it. Well, that's a weird thing to say with a fake gun. It is, but it's just such a funny diss because I think like he, He did the Venn diagram math with his own autism. It was like, this will make him upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I say this. Yeah, that is the worst. Some people are so good at knowing what it'll bother you. I thought I was so cool because my podcast cover used to be me with a gun, like a real Glock. The GTA thing, yeah. Yeah, and then I was like, I got so many compliments for like great trigger discipline. Which is just nerd being nerdy to each other.

Like very proud of you for not putting your figure. Actually a job soldier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like. Yeah, excellent job private soldier. Captain Corporal. And I was like, dude, I'm so fucking, I'm such a gun guy. And I'm not, like, at all.

I'm ready to go to the mothership. Beam me up, Joe. Have you fired a gun? Yeah. Nice. Absolutely, I fired so many guns. I love guns. It's such a good time.

Yeah, I've never done it. Really? Yeah, I'm pro-gun, but I would never even hold one. That's an interesting perspective. My friend, uh, yeah. You look at guns the way my parents look at gay people. They can do whatever they want over there. Over there.

Away from me. Yeah, my friend gave me, like, he let me, like, hold his shotgun. I immediately put it down. I was like, that's not for me. I mean, I've had guns pointed at me, and it is scary. Like, like, getting robbed? No, I've been robbed at knife point, but no, just like, like a drug dealer one time, like, when I was, like, going to buy something for somebody else,

just in case my mom's watching this. And, yeah, he pointed, he's like, you want to see my shop? No, no, really, you're not going to say

what the thing was. Oh, well, no, he bought drugs. I bought, for his friend. Ambiguous, ambiguous,

ambiguous, I will not say what they were. Oh. That's it. Yeah. There's, I care less about

Epstein Island and where the elevator goes. I want to know what drugs you're buying. I take prep. I'm a closeted homosexual. Okay. My bad.

I just got to my prep from a drug dealer. Buying prep from a Coke dealer. Got to be strapped for this. It's like, yeah, No, but he was like, do you want to see my gun? I was like, no.

And then just took it out and pointed him and went, like, and it's a ha. Then I was like, don't ever do that again. Please, for the love of God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're too retarded for that thing not to be loaded. Oh, no, I had a friend RIP, but he would do that shit. He would, like, answered the door with his, like, stepdad's gun and be like,

get on the ground. I'm just fucking with you. And now he's dead. The key I was going to say, the key word is RIP. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, no, I heard the gun went off one time. Like, by, accident. Well, how'd your friend died? Oh, really?

No. I want to know how your friend died now. Now I'm more intrigued about this. Well, now, if I say which friend it is, people are going to know which friend. If I say how he died, people will now know which friend is like that. Well, if you say that, he's going to say which drug. That's the rule. Maybe it's the same thing. Did he die from and I have to fire a stand? No. No, no.

Did he, uh, I don't, I don't know if he didn't get hit by a car. We're not talking about any comics that died. Okay. And how would anybody know who it is? I don't. I don't. Because I have a couple friends that died and they all died in different, or two of them died in the same way, one of them died one way. If I give up this. So I guess you know that he died one of... Yeah, but this is a guy I didn't know at all.

He died of fentanyl. He died of fentanyl. Yeah, okay. That's, yeah, that's pretty, you know, East Coast way to go. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm not ashamed of them dying. No, no, of course not. I'm very proud of it, actually. Yeah, that is a fun way to go out. He probably had a great time. That's how overdose in theory works. Yeah.

Yeah. But I think that the thing is that, like, I didn't want the gun, going off thing being, whatever, whatever. But what drugs were you buying? I was getting a bag. Of Coke? Yeah. That's like so, did you think, did your mom actually listen to podcasts?

Is that it? I don't, I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I've, like, I've really hit a lot of my vices from my family very well. They only know that, like, I drink, I drank a lot. I mean, I'm pretty, like, clean, healthy living now, but, like, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I had a, I was never, like, I never had a problem. I just like every now and then if I had like a special event coming up or something at her as going out, I'd like, we'd like to have a good time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, you know, maybe like a three, four times a year situation. Oh, that's not correct.

Dude, my pet... See, my dad listens every week to the podcast. I want to add a segment where at the end of the podcast, he leaves a, I leave a voicemail of him reviewing the last podcast. That's pretty good idea. Yeah, I feel like that could be funny. Yeah, that would be funny. Yeah, yeah. He's like, I feel like you didn't clarify that you're not a pedophile.

Yeah. That's more in the back of my head. I'm like, this is a... I get so... I'll joke about everything. Hey, Michael, it's your father. I just think that there should be more maybe POC representation

on the podcast. Maybe you get more... It seems like you have a lot of white and white adjacent people coming on the program, you know? Why don't you make some room? We're Indian, that was planned. Yeah, that's planned.

What is funny, too, because there was a thing... Because we said... You know, as soon as you said I was Indian, I farted and it smells so bad. I apologize. Dude, I've been dying with Farsi. I've been... I've been just taking in so much protein because I'm trying to get like big.

That's the thing. It makes your, like, when the healthier you eat, the worse, your fart smell. Yeah, dude, I eat like chicken and rice and just protein powder and I'm just shitting. And our toilets fucked up. And you would think I was eating Newports. Yeah, it's fucking insane. Yeah, but like how I, like, am I just eating, like, toxic sludge the way it smells? But it's like, no, this is like, apparently this is the healthiest stuff that you can eat.

Like, I'm like, I'm like taking, eating, you know, fucking raw meats, fish, chicken, drinking, whole press juices. Yeah, my body doesn't. I don't know. Is it like a new adjustment for you? Maybe that's what it is? No, it's been like a solid half year of just, it hasn't gotten any better. Like, the diarrhea went away at least, but.

Yeah. Dude, five diaries yesterday. I got to read five. I have so much diarrhea. People at work do think I still do cocaine. Yeah. They're like, what are you doing in the bathroom all the time? Yeah, you're like, I'm literally shitting my pants, dude.

Leave me alone. Dude, the worst is you have that fucking diarrhea. I was talking to him yesterday where you wipe your butt. And then somehow there's shit hitting other parts of the toilet paper. Like, because you go, when you wipe your butthole, your finger is touching, there's a, there's a bridge dividing your finger from your asshole. But there's this exact spot where you know where your asshole is. But when you have diarrhea, like the corners of the toilet paper are getting covered in shit, you can't figure out where it's coming. Have you ever had that?

Yeah, yeah, no, like it turns into the Wizard of Oz. Yeah, yeah, you're literally like, yeah, it's a tornado in there, dude. Yeah, you can't, like, I can't. You're also... You're going into the singularity. You're also consuming protein, which is making your body bigger. So your ass is bigger.

So there's more ass to catch all your shoes. But is it making my hole bigger? Yeah. No, I think it makes a whole smaller, which increases the spray. It's like a... You know, when you put your finger over a hose? Wait, so my asshole muscles are getting tighter,

which is making my ass whole smaller. Yeah. Which makes it spray... We're really getting down to the bottom of things here. Yeah, the bottom. Yeah, because, like, I wonder how that, if that works, the bulking, because there are muscles in your asshole. Like, can you have stronger asshole muscles?

I think Kiegel's doing that, right? We'll turn this one over to the gay community. Right back. We'll be right back with you guys. I'm getting some of them. So somebody commented on JJ's video. It's like, I want Mr. L. Because I say, Leberun, to step on my fucking balls in those underarmor shoes or something like that.

Jesus. Yeah, JJ really is an evil gay guy. He's like a type of gay guy that I thought, like, you know, Marvel movie. and Disney-fied society had gotten rid of. I thought all those guys died in the 90s from the AIDS epidemic.

I didn't think they were still around. Well, he said he would fuck dudes with vow condoms, and then he'd see them on a page, it's like, I'm HIV positive now, on, like, backpage websites and shit on my assail. Yeah, I think just the evil in JJ's body like eradicates disease. Yeah.

Like, you know how Nazis, like, lived, like, they had very long, pervasive. Like, they lived a long time you know, we're still finding them now every now and then. Yeah, yeah. I do think it's because hate keeps you going. Yeah.

I think really happy people just kind of clock out when they're ready and it's usually... And hateful people are like just, they're moving forward. They're hanging on. Dude, I did a show the other night, and one of the people in the audience was a descendant of Ava Braun.

Wow. And she, like, took a picture with a Jewish comic afterwards. They're like, ah, class. I'm like, dude, I would keep that shit. So under wraps. I mean, like, there's no reason to because she didn't...

Was she hot? Um, she was okay, she was kind of cute but it was interesting because I was like, that's the kind of thing I'd be so scared. Like, it's not her fault at all. It's like she didn't... Yeah, but that's like the hot thing wasn't me like,

ooh, I wonder what she's up to. I'm a wife guy, ladies and gentlemen. First and foremost, I want to get that out of the way. But it's more of just that like, the only thing that can counteract like generational atrocities is being a slut if you're a girl. Interesting, yeah, yeah. So you think her blowing more Jewish guys would be...

Maybe she made more Jewish guys. Wait, that would be interesting. Yeah, like, if she got only pregnant from Jewish guys. Raw doggie. It's like how, like, the most racist people have, like, mixed grandkids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, because their grandkids just have sex with black people. To overcorrect for...

To overcorrect. Yeah, that's why I was like, I literally, because of last episode, my brain went so crazy. I was like, I can't have a black guy on the next episode because it would just be so obvious. That you're trying to... Yeah, yeah, I was, I was literally like, intentionally. It's fucking crazy. Who did you have on the last episode? No, I just had Humza Azim and him.

And just because we said that word that sounds so much like the N-word, I was like, now it looks crazy if I immediately have a black guy. I didn't know if you almost like did kind of like an accidental N-word while black guy was on the podcast with you. No, no, no, no, no, no. That's almost way more acceptable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And once again, the word was not said. Just the word that sounds so close to it.

Yeah. No, there was just a few times that you said it that was very close. What's up? I still don't know what word we're talking about. That's right. You guys did talk about at the beginning. Yeah, yeah. I'm just kidding. I wanted to you to say it again. I wanted another episode to be ruined.

It does haunt. We're all going down with the ship. Dude, there was a week. Me and him both who come into the kitchen, we're like, ah, fuck, dude. Like, two minus two days. I think the bravest thing to do is admit that, like, we all played, like, modern warfare, too.

There was a time in our lives where we all kind of were a little reckless and irresponsible. Tommy Bear has a great line about it. He's like, I read a book, and then I stopped. And it's like, yeah, that's like the bravest thing you can do is just admit. It's like, yeah, I'm chill with it now. But, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, but no, exactly, yeah. But also this is a podcast came about a week ago. And I was just like, fucking stress. It's like, I'm so not going to be a week ago. What's up? Oh, I was just singing something. That song about a week ago. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I can still smell it on this mic, dude. Yeah, but it's one thing it's like you show badly as a comic card. I'd be like, ah, you fuck, dude. But the truth is I'm sweating after every fucking episode I fucking releases. Yeah, I mean, you don't want people to have a bad time. No, people want to be liked so badly. But people want to act like that's also not a flaw. I think that is a flaw.

It is totally a flaw. I don't want to be liked. I just want people to not have beef with me, and I want to not have to have jobs anymore. Yeah, yeah. I'm tired of working every day forever. Yeah, I haven't had a job in four months. I've been burned through savings. Oh.

And it's so annoying because, dude, because I was telling you about this. Like, I have the best fucking life in the world. And some days I'm really happy with it. Some days I don't. It's like, I haven't had a day job for fucking four months. It's like, I should be fucking... Have you been productive with the off time? A little bit.

You know what I need to start doing? I need to jerk off at the beginning of the day. Because the second you come on your stomach, there's nothing more motivating to get your shit together. It's like, you know what I should do? I should wear like a woman's underwear and a dress and jerk off on my stomach every morning. So I just go, who the fuck am I?

And then I try to reverse the effects of that by getting things done. Yeah. Most people get a gym membership. That won't do it for me. I have to do something absurd to fucking get like, like I have to watch like a weird porno where it's like, I don't know, something crazy.

And then I go, okay, yeah, I'm disgusting. I need to go, like some lady pissing on somebody. And then I go, all right, I got to get my day together. Yeah.

I can't be this guy. Someone in my college told me, his professor said, if you jerk off every morning and every night, that's the best way to live your life. I don't disagree. And it was like a, it was just like a,

a science class. Yeah, I don't know if that's backed by empirical data. He's a scientist. He might have been his cup of tea. Yeah, he did plagiarize his thesis. We're in an hour, though. Is there anything you guys want to promote? No, I was just here last week, so watch the end of last week.

Yeah, I have nothing going for me. Wait, so is this a new podcast? Because I think when I talked to you, you didn't have one. Yeah, it's a podcast that was existing. And I got added to essentially Robbie Goodwin, every now and then in a point of his life, somebody abandons him. So he's out like a podcast host. Yeah. So I did his podcast a bunch of gas as like a guest.

And I guess like a lot of people wanted me to keep coming back on. Well, you guys both are graded voices. Yeah. I don't like doing voices though, whereas Robbie does. Because it's like there's something about inserting voices into everything you do that feels like very forced. And just like, I don't know, like you can feel yourself becoming like. just the shill, like Matt Friend type. Not that Robbie or I are that.

It's just like there's a certain level where like every now and then I like to hit the brakes and just kind of meander. Yeah, yeah. Not everything has to be like, how can, what it would have Chris Farley was at the bank and saw tunnels leading to the synagogue? What would that sound like?

Or Kevin Farley. Yeah. But I mean, I mostly do. This is an inside show. Do you have a guy named Kevin Farley? No, I opened for Kevin Farley over the weekend. And is that, any relation to Chris Farley?

I'm not, the funniest thing to me is that Chris Parley is the highest energy guy and I've only seen Kevin Farley in movies and TV shows and just like Instagram and he just looks like a beaten down.

He looks like Chris Farley if he didn't overdose. Oh yeah, his brother died. Yeah. He was super sweet, very kind guy. Funny guy? But it's just funny

the reverses of energy. It's like they're completely it's like Kevin Farley I didn't even see him but was he wearing like a suit? He was wearing like a like a just like a short sleeve collared shirt yeah yeah yeah

oh yeah the gilless uniform on dude he's got the he's got the gene though because every once in a while he would go into like a story or do a voice or something and it was like oh shit like he's got like a little bit of that but he's just yeah he's just not what he is I do one every now and then just keep my inner self entertained I think it's just because I'm like borderline schizophrenic

like at work today I was going around the kitchen they probably thought it was weird as hell I was like doing Carl Weezer like Jimmy what's your goon cage like, I don't want to go in your goon cave, Jimmy. He's doing that. Carl Weezer. Your cat williams is great.

I like that one. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, no, I'm not going to do cat. I've been doing it so much this month. Everybody's been like pushing me like a fucking jukebox this month

ever since that interview dropped to do it. I think I've said every other thing and every iteration. I will like my brain will explode if I do cat one more time. Also, the funniest thing is that apparently that like he said so many incorrect things in that video. Well, he has old heads. syndrome. Yeah,

which is where it's like, he's like speaking truths, but he has no idea how to like quantify things. Yeah, that's like actually correct. Everything is hyperboized. Everything is hyperbole. It's like tall.

He loves telling tall tales. So he can't talk about anything with a number. He'll just get it wrong. Yeah. Yeah, because apparently like, like Kevin Hart's like, there's no way he made more money than me last year.

Yeah. I'm the highest. Dude, but the way like Kevin Hart and like all these people responded almost made me believe Kat Williams. I've invested all my tickets earnings and Bitcoin. Yeah. Just because, like, they all, he was just like, they're not real comics, essentially.

And then the way they responded was, like, not funny. You cannot came to King of Kings. Yeah. Yeah, he just says shit like that. He's fully a guy at a bus stop. Yeah. But, but I don't know. It's the embodiment of crack.

Dude, yeah. Well, the thing is he's never been caught smoking crack, though. I think that's a conspiracy that he smokes crack. I think every black guy, he just starts saying smokes crack and, like, doesn't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think he's definitely has a chemical imbalance, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

that's possible to be crazy. I don't know. If you're running a 4-3-40, you might smoke crack. That is some crackhead shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but it's like,

I think it is like, I'm not calling you racist or anything or anybody racist. But culturally, I think what happens is a black guy goes crazy and we say he's on crack. Like that happened with Chappelle. And like,

like, there's no evidence that Kevin Hart smoked crack. There's more of a chance that I've smoked crack. Yeah, but that's not racist. It just goes to show how, as a culture, how highly we think of black people. Like, surely for him to break,

like, this drugs must be involved. That's a good point. resilient people. Yeah, white. Well, sees, yeah. Oh, God, it was Tuesday

and she took her Monday pills. Of course she went crazy. That's a good boy. That's a good boy. Yeah. Yeah,

because white people, yeah, the craziness is like more apparent with white people. We're like, yeah, that's...

Yeah, all right. What about, what about this? It's, uh, Jar Jar Jarvis Binks. It's like,

uh, Jar Jar Jarvis, can I get to see, Rep on Thanals like, oh, he's gonna on the infinity stars. Oh, miss I gotta go go,

goon, Miss on the Goon Cave. I don't know why. I just like saying Goon Cave and all my impressions. Wait, that's been going on it. What is Gooning? All right. Jack Nicholson's going to explain

gooning to you. Well, you see, kid, goin's where all right people go and they create a sort of a guy cave. What's the thing it's called when a man has his own room, a man cave? But it's a man cave for jacking off.

Hi, I'm Jack Nicholson. Gooning extraordinaire. Yep. When they jack off, it's they're gooning. When I jack off, it's called a classic. It's whatever Jack Nicholson is.

I don't know. My brain, see, I hate it. Like, I used to be like a good impressions guy, but I think to like, ground yourself in impressions, you're either doing stock lines you've prepared

or to like embody yourself in that character or in that mind, which is what I like to do. You have to weird everyone. Well, you go so weird, and you go so weird that like once you go to pull another impression,

they all just kind of bleed together. Yeah, yeah. It destroys your mind. I do think you like, you scramble your brains. No, no, dude, I've had that hat where I'm just like, like, that 100% makes sense.

I've had it where I've, like, just been doing something around the apartment. And then I'm like, oh, I've been saying this fictional thing for so long, but I think I'm going great. Yeah. Talking to Nick Mullen now versus talking to Nick Mullen six years ago,

he's like, he's so less sharp. It's just from impression. But what if every homeless guy was, we find out that's the road to homeless is, just doing impressions, yeah. And also, yeah, Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson.

You can't handle my com. You can't goon in my house. I used to invite Dick Wolf over and we'd goon and we'd goon and we go to a Lakers game. I don't actually know if Dick Wolf hung out with Jack Nicholson. I was actually trying to think of, was it Adam West? Who was the guy? Jack Lemon, I don't know. Somebody used to go to Jack Nicholson's house and they'd walk around naked.

How do you do? I don't know if I can do an Adam one. Adam West. Adam West, whenever I tried to do Adam West, it always turns into doing Jeff Goldblum. if I was to do Adam West. Is that it? I don't know. I'd have to hear.

I'm also at the point where, like, I don't ever, like, I haven't listened to Jack Nicholson talk in the last, like, three years. I don't think he's talked, anyway. He's just him at a Lakers gang going, oh. Yeah. But I've just heard people do impression, you know, like when, so you just hear the impression. You can't handle the truth. Yeah, it's a copy of a copy. Yeah.

No, for sure. But I think we're over an hour, so thank you. Appreciate you coming on. Yeah. Good to see it, dude. Yeah. He used to hang out with Marlon Brando. That's who used to hang out with.

The Gapha. But I could only do him as the goth. Like, that's the only, like... Yeah, because he had a very, like, neutral voice. It's like when you hear fucking Tony Sabrano talk and it blows your mind. That he doesn't talk like that.

Creepiest fucking thing. Yeah.