Morning Good - What's That Smell? - Episode 289

Episode Date: October 19, 2025

Romy Rosner and Eli Swing join the show for today's episode. They talk about hungover stand-up comedy, hypothetical gay scenarios, and after-after-hours bars in NYC.Thanks to Romy for coming back onto the show and to Eli for joining for the first time. You can check out Romy on a few previous episodes and hit the links down below for more from both of them. Romy is on Instagram @romyrosnercomedy. Eli is on Instagram @eliswing8000.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast.

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning, very good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to the morning. We're here with Romy Rosner. Yeah. And I fucking nailed it this time. And I literally listened to old episodes. Like, make sure I don't fuck up her name.

And Eli's swinging that dick. Yeah, well, there we go. Legal name. What's up? Legal name. Legal name, yeah. We're talking about there's a show called What's That Smell? How is that...

Wait, don't name it. Oh, okay. No, that's all right. No, my buddy Mario runs this show called What's That Smell? Amazing show all around Philly, but it's like the shittiest name for a show I've ever heard of my life. Yeah, yeah. Is it like smell related? Is that part of...

I have no idea. Okay, it has to be, right? Like, that has to be like... But what's the smell laughter? Wait, here's a good idea. You see all the comedians perform and then an audience member has to be blindfolded and smell each of one and figure out. It's going to get racist.

Yeah, yeah, easily. And touchy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I can only smell with my hand. I'm like, that's me. It's the woman. They should do, what's that smell, but like filmed? And you can watch it online and be like, this means nothing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a point. Will they ever be able to, do you think, like, that has to be coming? I don't know, there has to be, I bet you they could have a phone. I don't know why you'd want it, unless you're just disgusting like me. But there has to be like a device where you could like put different smells out there. Like I wonder because we have visual, we have audio, we don't have a smell yet on phone.

So they got to have, I don't know why you would need it. But sounds like a massage, like something like crazy like to emit a smell from a phone. Yeah. Well like podcasting, I don't watch video usually. So like whatever. No one's like really like they're probably just like sitting with their phone like flipped over but they're listening to it. Yeah.

And we should probably figure out how to get smell in there too. Yeah. That's true. Well, especially because we have the first place. They want to smell the feet. We got no visual, just sound and smell. Do you send your socks out? No, no, no.

I don't, I don't like. He's like, that's where I crossed the line. I don't pander to them, but they just, they, you know, they listen. But yeah, it's, I don't think they listen on Spotify. They listen on YouTube. And then they turn off the audio and they just go. Damn, they're the only visual podcast listeners. Yeah, I'm sure nobody, I don't know, I bet you so many jerks off.

off to what's your big tits name? They're still doing laundry, but they're just holding a photo of your... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Laura Compton or whatever? She's blonde, I don't know her name. Yeah. That's a good podcast, though.

Yeah, yeah. I find fun, but she just have big old boobies. Oh, my God. I just like, yeah, I just look at it. You're the one masturbating to them. You're like, some guys must. It's you. No, but somebody, she's like the pregame.

Like, it is, like, you do see podcast clips of like, like any porn start talking. And then I'm just like... What does she do porn? No, I think she's a, a Playboy model. Okay. That's porn. I don't think so. I mean, I don't know. I have... I guess posing nude

is not fucking. Yeah, and then some people say, OnlyFans isn't porn. It's all... Oh, that's... I don't know. One man's this is another man's porn, you know? Can I just say something? Yeah, of course. I don't know what he's cooking, but it's not chicken. That smells... We should have switched

seats. I think it's just a cooking oven. He doesn't smell like chicken. I make chicken all the time. What do you got in there? The oven? Yeah. Well, the funny part, too, is I also have, like, my other roommate who will come in while I'm podcasting and just, like, walk out shirtless. But he won't do the podcast because he's don't want his face on there. But I think unintentionally his shirtless body has been just in the background randomly. Jake. You know what is a fun idea? I do love the idea of having a bunch of shirtless, jacked gay men, just, like, oiled up in the back. Yeah, yeah. I should green screen it and just have that in the background. Just walking around. Yeah, yeah. A million views.

Yeah. That'd be awesome. I'd like to be included on that episode Yeah, yeah, yeah Do you, okay, would you go to a gay male Like, would it be hot to go see Like, I know women that want to see dudes make out and stuff That I have no interest in, but I can admire, You know, I'd love to admire the male physique from afar

I wouldn't touch, I'm not aggressive like that But, yeah, I mean, why not? Yeah, yeah, I would want to go to a male stripgoe Just because it's fun, like, it would be funny to see somebody get slapped in the face by a winner You think they're doing that at the strip? Some of them do, I think, yeah. Wow.

I don't think that's even that crazy to get slapped in the face by the winner. Okay. I feel like that's not the, like, you can go probably anywhere and get that done. Interesting. Yeah, I mean, I guess you could. Can you define anywhere? A school.

If you went to the bodega, you said, can you slap me in the face with your penis? The hockey way. Yeah, yeah. With chop cheese. Yeah, salt pepper. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. It just seems like a, like a funny thing to go see.

Yeah, I think that's why people would be into it to do it. Yeah, because I think it's like there are male strip clubs, and I think it's probably for like, obviously you have like, but I think most male strippers have to be gay, right? Maybe not. Like, if you're doing Bachelorette, parties, you're probably not. But like... Channing Tatum was a stripper.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, he's probably gay. What does he do? Anybody's stronger than me is gay. That's funny. That's funny. Anybody stronger than he's gay. Anybody weaker than you?

Is... Dead. They're probably stupid. Okay. Yeah. Or a nerd. I mean, I just have a list of, defense mechanisms that I keep in the back of head.

That's stupid or gay. That's super funny. Yeah. Yeah. What's like the female version of that? Like do you like, because I will see like, like, like just a guy who looks rich. I'm like, I bet you he's not even fun on a date. Like I just immediately start doing these things mentally that I'm like, do what's like the

female version? Do you see a woman? You're just like, well, you can be a monster and if you're pretty, you'll go really, really far. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like if I see a really pretty girl, I'm like, she'd probably fucking stupid. But like, that doesn't matter.

Yeah. In the scheme of things. Yeah, yeah. She'll be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do now if they have, like, a really annoying voice. Oh, okay. But I'm, like, autistic.

I, like, can't take that. Like, you know vocal fry? Oh, I love it. You like vocal fry. Wait, how is it getting that was just a down to do. Everything's a question? I don't know. Kind of like that, yeah.

I mean, I will say it is kind of a turnoff. Like, it's a group of hot girls out the other weekend. I was like, there is, it sounded like somebody's beating their meat in the other room. Real quick. Already done. All right. Nope.

Round two, round two. The mic's probably picking up, but there's just like, but I guess that's more fucking. I don't know if anybody like beast their dick like this. But I saw a group of like high show. Nobody with a good childhood. I don't know. Dead!

No. After a long day of work. I didn't, I didn't go to bed for real quick. I got a big night ahead of me. Yeah. I thought you met a long day at work like you're treating your dick like a fucking, like a wife. You're just like, oh, yeah, yeah.

You fucking burrified. burn the casserole again. Just here comes the belt. He's burning the chicken, I'll tell you. Yeah. But I saw a group of these women, and it was like, they were really hot, but they had like the shirt,

they looked, they had that kind of like, and I was like, it was weirdly unattracted to it. They were babies. No. The group effect is a great thing. It's also, I think it's called the cheerleader effect, too, where it's like, if you put a bunch of midwomen in a group of like seven to eight,

they all rise in attractiveness. Yeah. Because they're together. But then if you peel one off to talk privately, you're like, holy moly. Yeah. No, that makes so much sense. Because there's always that fucking argument where I'm going to be like, oh, like, there's a joke about like, oh, they're hanging out that ugly one to look hotter. But I think a lot of people look at that and they go, oh, that's a group of not hot girls because they see like the ugly one versus like they see a bunch of like fives together and they're like, ooh.

Right. Yeah, yeah. But that's why I always travel in a group of 20 women. Yeah. just to really elevate You're like sardines within like an ocean If there's enough of them

Yeah Thanks for that analogy Eli Women has sardines Yeah what's that smell It's their fucking legs Wait Do you ever like

Is it work with guys too? Because like I have some like Hot guy friends And I wonder if I like go out with them If we look like a bunch of hot guys You should try it out See what happens Yeah yeah that's a good idea

It is uh It is funny Like I remember I was out in Orlando Like a couple months ago There's a guy was just like way more attractive than me. And I'm like, dude, we're about, we're a couple cute. I was like, just grouping myself in so far. I was like, we should go talk to chicks because we're fucking hot guys.

But I think I'm like a normal looking guy. I think I'm a normal looking guy that like could maybe be charming. But I'm not like, like, I don't think of myself as like, like, when you see, like, I think Matt Rife's like a hot guy. Like there's some guys where you see them doing stand up and you're like, there's no way he's funny. Like that is that a thing? Well, I think to get those last two points is just like ins. I think you're probably like a, you're like a, you're like a,

8.4. This is the only reason I invited him on. To get one, even a half point higher, it's like, you're so much hotter. Like, I think that... Should I leave you guys alone? Sorry, fuck.

Yeah, I think... I need to be better about it, though, because I do... I think you look fine. I do see a comedian on a flyer, and half the time, I'm like, I bet you they fucking suck. And like, today I looked on some woman's video. I was like, oh, she's like really funny. And I was, but immediately I just saw somebody on a

flyer, not just because she was a chick. But there was something about it where I was like, oh, you're on fucking bubble nights at the grip room? And I'm like, fucking sure this hipster bullshit's gonna be a little... Wait, so you thought because she was pretty, she wasn't going to be funny? Or which way was it? No, no, no, no, no.

It was just something about the flyer. Just the look of it? I've never done the show. And that I am bitter sometimes. I don't look at people's stories anymore. Really? No. Yeah.

Because, like, what is it going to do for me, you know? Yeah, yeah. I'm not missing anything. If there's a party, someone will message me. I'm not worried. That's a good point I think I look at stories because I don't know

It is kind of a good way With like being single To kind of like throw out feelers Oh well I just have like a strictly comedy account But we're talking about other profiles Oh you have a separate comedy account Oh yeah I have two accounts

Three a podcast comedy personal I need to do that Yeah Are you on your personal one a lot? Not really It's just like people from high school I don't really click on those either I love

I feel like I already knew your story and it's not that good. I love that. I do love the people from high school. Occasion. I'll post something that I'm like on the fence. Like today there was something I post. I was like kind of nervous about

because somebody was like, whatever you do, don't pose this. It was like an AI video. I made like an AI video of me stopping a cop from arresting a black man. And I'm just like, you should have do this or whatever.

And he's just like, okay, he's free to go. I was like, this is funny. But then I was surprised. Sometimes people from your high school you just didn't think would have the same sense humor like shit. And you're like,

Oh, you're cool as fuck. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I like most people from high school that are still alive. I don't think there's a lot of people that I diss. And you know what? I guess I'm weirdly... A lot of people died in your high school?

Yeah. From what? We had like a masked serial killer that killed like nine of us at a party one time. No, no, drugs and suicide. Oh, okay. The serial killer was fentanyl. All along, leaving little traces. Yeah.

Those movies, it's like, hey, you're doing drugs, and then you get the fentanyl. That's kind of like the kids doing the drugs. It's a little calling card is true. The drug dealer's name. Yeah, I also, I want to watch fucking, what's up, dude? I do want to watch, like, scary movies again, because this Halloween doesn't feel that Halloween-ish.

I don't know. It's not that cold. No, no, and it's like. It's not dark out. There's no penguins. There's no pumpkin. There are definitely no penguins. penguins in New York. There's no pumpkins in New York.

I think if I see one pumpkin, I'm like, it's Halloween time. Yeah, that's such a question. I need one pumpkin. What did you carve? A pumpkin. But like, what did you carve into it? Like a scary face. I fucking, I freehanded that shit, crushed it. I did it with two six-year-olds and guess what? Theirs were better, but they traced.

Well, fuck them. Fuck. Well, I like them, but. No, no, no. If you're listening to you fucking suck. Those two kids who don't have phones. They're not listening to this fucking podcast. We talk all the shit on. Not until the gay guys are on. Fucking cock suckers. What?

Not until the gay guys come. Oh yeah. Then they'll watch. Then they'll tune in. They'll tune in. Yeah. When are they arriving? The one million gay guys.

It's a beautiful apartment. You could easily Craigslist that BTW. One million. No, not a million. I'd have like four or five. I just love. Don't get greedy, Michael.

I want an army of like just jacked gay guys that I could just send places. To do what? Just to be jacked and gay. Like, just like, just like, you have to go to the Republican National Convention. and shirtless in a fucking thong. It just like, fucking just... I don't know. It is so funny, too.

Like, just dance a little. Just have them, like, just dance a little bit. They're great dancing. I think if we didn't have jobs, that would be pretty easy. I think, if the economy is doing better, we could easily round up a... At least half a million gay guys.

Round up half a million. Yeah, you just have a, like, chill. What, with a net? How are you to round them up? With a little dog whistle? A twigel? A twinkle whistle? The twin whistle. Yeah.

Yeah. says yeah. Free poppers. It's like, fucking, uh, they just hear it all around the world. Yeah. Just coming from all parts. They're in drag. They're like all these different, like, guys. There's like an Eskimo popping his head out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're coming out of the water. Guy Eskimos that were coming out of there. Yeah. I, um, I don't know. I don't know. I did, you know a lot of gay men and you're like obsessed. No, I just think they're fun. No, I don't know, uh, I don't know a lot of gay men. And I don't know that many, like, gay, no, I know a couple gay jacked guys. But I don't know, like, a, you know,

they probably all do have friends that we could probably all. The funniest is I was out at a bar, and I was with a woman, and I was, this is me just immediately trying to prove him straight. I'm like, I was because I'm not fucking gay. But I was like, I met this gay guy at a bar. And he's like, go, do you know so-and-so? I was like, they're a comedian.

I let me FaceTime them. And I'm like, fuck yeah. And I thought we were all having fun. And then I realized this was probably like a date it didn't get called back. Because I FaceTime my friend, he's like, oh, hey.

Yeah. Why don't you call me back? Oh my God. I just started like a whole thing, yeah. But then it's weird because you will see like a group of gay friends. I don't know if they're all like fucking or if like half them or just, if they just are doing gay guy stuff together. Or I did see a really good display of this.

So there was a gay guy that posted like, what's up with all those gay guys hanging out? And then he posts all these arrows like, he fucked Chandler. Chandler's friends with him. And I'm like, oh, so there is some sort of like ecosystem to all of that. And you know, the gays are really good at casual sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like really good at. Like Grindr's crazy.

It's within feet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could like get blown at the grocery. I've heard of stories of like a friend of mine like going to the grocery store, look at a grinder, like getting blown by the fruit and like calling it the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a beautiful thing. I think it's great.

Blown by the fruit? No, no, no, not the fruit. He's like, with a canaloupe. Yeah. Well, the fruit blew the other fruit, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, very good, yeah. Yeah, but, yeah, I don't know. Clean up.

Yeah, I don't like, I don't know. It's really funny, too, because I'm like, oh, dude, if I was, every guy's like that, they're always scared. But, like, some guys wouldn't be. I feel like you actually, you surprised me. I think you said you were, like, a wild single guy when you were single. It was not, I mean, it's like dating apps. So it's like how wild it can it really be. Fucking insane.

It can get insane. Like, you go on some, you get some drinks. Oh, man, we're on the different, we're on different things. I think you're a good guy. There's some people who don't offer that. Yeah, but then what? You don't get drinks. Then what do you do?

Then you just go straight to their, I mean, look, everything's different, but like, field can be like straight up just like, hey, want to come over and do all this stuff. And then, yeah. But like, most of the time it's drinks, but sometimes it's no drinks. Sometimes it's just, yeah. No, you're in the car within two minutes. Yeah, is that crazy. Crazy.

Do you fuck a stranger at their place? Yeah, maybe. Yeah. That's like crazy. No, I don't think it's crazy, but like some people are so different. Like I have a friend who's recently single and I was just trying to give him like a, it was so funny because I blacked out with him the other night. But it was like, he's like, I'm going through a breakup. You know, can we have some drinks together?

I'm like, yeah, of course. And the next thing, you know, I'm just getting fucking wasted. It's not about me at all. I'm just like, dude, let me take you under my wing and I was just blacking out while he's just like sad. Well, he's texting his ex again. get back together with him. But he was like, I'm looking for a new girlfriend. And I'm like, it's just so crazy to me.

I don't know. Some people just don't have that same thing with her. Like, I want to go out there and just fuck a bunch of people. But I do. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's like, uh, I used to think it was a male, female. But it's totally different. Some people are just like, like, like, I know,

guys that are like, you know, if I don't have a connection, I will not have sex. I know. Yeah. I'm a little bit. Well, not finding a connection with someone. How do you not find a connection? What do you mean? You can't get along with, like, a random person?

That's how I feel. I could be like listening to somebody. Oh, yeah. And I'm like, I'll look past that. Well, I'm like, don't tell me. Yeah. Like, if I'm like, I'm like, no, no, don't tell me what you do for it. I don't want to know.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Because they could have like, they could be like a vet. I'm like, it's gay. You know, I don't want them to save. No. You hold bunnies all day? Yeah.

How can't handle me. But, um. Yeah, they started the sentence with it. Yeah, I take hurt animals. You know, go, don't tell me anymore. I'm a vet and out of a killer. Yeah. Some people want like a connection.

Yeah. Well, for me, as I was like, I'm not really trying to fuck people that I wouldn't want to hang out with outside of fucking. But also, if I already showed up, like, I do, I do want, like, it is cool to have people that you can go on cute dates with and do fun things and have sex. But if, like, I don't know, somebody's mom was hot as fuck and was like, hey, do you want to just fuck me one time and then never see me ever again? I'd be like, yeah. Yeah. Because I'm like. What am I stupid?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, yeah. Of course I would do that. But I'm not like out looking for just that. Like I am like, oh, it would be cool to like, you know, bring a girl to a party. But like, this is Carol. You know, and everybody's like Carol's shit.

Show them off. That's the best. That is a thing. That is where I am pretty sexist. Like if I'm ever with a hot chick, I'm like, okay, so we're going to go. We're going everywhere my friends are right. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, where are you guys? Yeah, yeah.

See, look, look what I did. Yeah. I've, like, taken pictures of guys. Like, when they're getting dressed. Like, because I have to prove it. What? That's not a big deal. Without them knowing. While they're getting dressed there, they're putting on socks and you're like, look at this hot.

Well, they've sent me there. I mean, I could show my friends, we have the hidden album. Do you have the hidden album? No. Oh. Do you guys not know what that is? Never mind. No, no. I assume it's guys dick pics and stuff like that. Yeah, but it's in your photos under your passcode. No, I know about that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. But I'm saying that is. Well, it's my nudes and all their nudes. So it's a beautiful collection of work. but you're not so, I mean, whatever. I'm not here to tell you not to send pictures of guys' weeners to your phone. No, no, I don't send them to people

when I'm with them in person, I show them. You show other guys, like, penises to other guys? You're like, this was Josh? No, I show, like, my friends. Because we debrief, you know, how was your week? And I'm like, oh, I fuck this person. And then they go pictures, and they show them. But you show them, do the guys know

that you're showing pictures of their weiner and to the girls? But they've sent me their penis openly. Yeah, but that's terrific. directed toward. Look, I'm not trying to have a moral discussion with it. Everybody, every woman on the planet does this every weekend. Yeah, that's totally fair. Yeah.

I'm not going to be that guy, but if it was reversed... Wait, wait, so I have a question. When you send a dick pick to a woman, do you think she's not showing it to anyone? Oh, I don't give her shit. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't care. What's it sent? It's sent. No, because it goes the other way around. If a woman sends me a nude, I can't show my friends that. Oh, I would assume ivory guys... No, it's, like, morally wrong.

No, guys don't want to see that. What of their faces? I disagree. I go, don't show me that. Under the table. No, I was kidding. I don't do that. Hey, who, I'm not here to cast judgment.

Right. Are some of them favored it in there? Like one of the bonuses, got a little heart. Like in Spotify? Can you heart them? Well, like on Apple Photos, you can like give one a like? Probably. Yeah.

Probably. What's he up to? God, I wish I knew. I'm blocked by a lot of people Just fully blocked? Oh yeah That's aggressive Yeah but I'm nuts so

Yeah I had to block somebody recently I was like sexing with this woman And then she's like wait you're like not trying to be my girlfriend And then she's just like you're a fucking piece of shit All this crazy stuff and like it was like I was just like Too much

Yeah But I've blocked too I mean some people are nuts You're like whoa Yeah that's my problem is I don't block I'm a little bit little bit like...

You feel bad. Yeah. I don't want to say I lead people on because I'm never like I'm looking for a relationship and I'm like yeah, maybe we'll fuck again. I don't know. Because maybe I will get bored and that will happen. But... Clip it.

That's my favorite. It's always done. But maybe I'll be so desperate and horny that maybe we'll fuck again. Yeah, I'm looking for something long term when I'm bored. Yeah, maybe when the world really kicks me down and I'm a fucking loser, maybe I'll have sex with you again. But right now, I lost weight. That should be an option on Facebook.

It's like single in a relationship. I'm super fucking bored and horny. More bored than anything, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. More so bored than horny. Yeah, I'm so bored for you. It's so funny, too, because I know I'm that somebody else's where they're like, all right, just fucking sure.

You know, I'm sure that you're somebody's like, yeah, I'm sure. Like, I've definitely like, Imagine being like a hot girl on a Friday night and it's like well there's only one guy that's asked me out or something. It's like okay well I'm gonna go out. Yeah. Are you approaching women when you go out? Yeah, yeah. Oh, good, good, good. Constantly.

With aggression, anger, hands. Yeah. Approaching, menacingly. She says that. Shouting, you betrayed me when we haven't even met. Yeah, all these things. Oh, that's funny. Yeah, no, I I'll be myself up too. If I'm on the train

there's like a cute girl I don't talk to her. I'll be like you fucking put you should have fucking got up But it's like hard if they have their headphones in They have like nothing on them that you could talk about I know well what if you like pretended to have a heart attack or something That's it what if you unplug their headphones and then had an audio recording ready to go Plug it into your phone or a smell you admitted a smell Unplugged their headphones showed them your smell

That's a good idea No yeah no yeah those gyms and like trains are still have not found a way to talk to girls with headphones in. It is hard. Yeah, if they have their headphones and it's like it means do not talk to me. I guess. Yeah. And that's fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you're doing your thing. Or maybe they're in a relationship.

Like, they're not open to Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is like, it does suck the world we're in where it's like we weren't on our phones, we would. I don't know, it's a mix because you do fuck selling people from the internet. But additionally, you lose conversations with people that you would normally have because of the internet.

But sometimes it's just unbearable. I was in the back of a comedy club two nights ago, and I literally could not sit in the room. I was just so like, ugh, that I did I, because you're just tired of watching stand-up. So I literally was like listening to a podcast in a comedy club. It's very meta. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like, I want to listen to somebody else right now.

I don't know. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know. I think I don't have to tie anything off the bow either. I think I was telling you I quit podcasting because I had nothing new to longer. I was just like, I was like, no new opinions. No new. besides this, this is my new opinion.

I'm done trying to argue things that I do aren't gay. Because I've done a lot of semi-gay shit. The way you explain things is gay. I'm trying to figure it. I'm trying to unrap it. The way that I... I'm trying to peel apart the layers of my... Sexuality?

No, I was trying to get as gay as possible. No, no. No, I think I'm 100% straight, but I do a lot of gay shit. But then I will like... Wait, that's very funny. I'm 100% straight, but I do a lot of gay shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except for one thing.

having gay sex. Yeah, well, not attractive to me. But it's like, I banged it translated. People were like, oh, well, it's technically gay because this isn't that. And then for a while I was like, actually no, because of blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, what is... Did you bang a translator? Yeah, yeah, she had a vagina.

And I found out years later. It's a whole story. But this is why you should look at people's stories because I explained it. But it's like, I spent this whole podcast a couple weeks ago, just being like, and that's why it's not gay? I'm like, why did I do that instead of just being like, you could think that's gay and I could think it's not gay. and just move on.

I think we have similar ideologies because on my podcast, I'm constantly pushing the idea that alcoholism is good. Okay, yeah, yeah. I'm constantly putting it. And then the TikTok comments are divided. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, do you drink a lot? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I fucking, I love it. Mommy loves the sauce. It's great. You told me once, you might have outboosed me at the time because you were like, I bring drinks to the movie theaters. Oh, yeah. Which I never really thought of. No younger.

Oh, crack in a beer in the movie theaters. Well, it's like, the thing with drinking in the movie theaters is it's so expensive. So you sneak in a bunch of drinks and you just throw up. But it's not, you don't do that and go see like a good movie. Right. You know, like, I've been, the annoying part is like, I wanted something to talk about this week on the podcast. So I was like, what we got to do is me and my buddy got to get really fucked up and go see

the new Tron movie in 3D. Jared Leto, 9-inch Nail soundtrack. There's no bad time. And then I couldn't find somebody to go see this movie with. So then I'm like, all right. And I didn't get to do that. But I also try to behave myself because I bought ketamine a couple weeks ago

and I was like, save this because I did a bunch that weekend and I was like, save this for an occasion that's special. And then my buddy's like, do you want to see Toronto 3D? And I'm like, how do I not? And when people are selling ketamine, to me, they're always saying,

save this for a special occasion. Yeah, yeah, save this for... Don't just have it all at once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save this, be mindful. What special occasion would that be, though? It's a special occasion. It's a dissociation.

It's a dissociation. Yeah. Oh, special occasion. Yeah, there's not really like a good setting. I don't know. Yeah, for the birth of your child and you're like, I don't remember anything. Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't know.

I think like, it's like weirdly visual. I don't know. But the funny thing about drug dealers, I do love drug dealers always say this. Like, I don't really buy from scary people anymore. But it is funny when you've bought drugs from like a really scary guy and it's like, you'll be safe out there. I'm like, you have a fucking AR-15 in the back of your collar And you're driving around with a pound of Coke Why are you telling me to be safe out there?

He's on cocaine I don't know, I think he's probably feeling Or I think they mean like be safe Don't do all this at once because I don't want to have to deal with consequences of that Yeah But yeah, I just got a big old bag of cadamining my Not that much but I'm just like

Just sitting there Waiting to be done Eli, it feels pretty special Feeling special I think I'm going to save it for I had kind of a funny idea So I thought back to the future musical was still running. Apparently it's not.

Very disappointing. I was like, this is a nod idea I actually would do. So my birthday is around Thanksgiving, but nobody's in town Thanksgiving. November 25th? 30th, okay. Oh, fuck, yeah. Yeah, nice. So nobody's in town that day.

And I was like, I should, I'm not going to do this, but get an escort and go to the back to the future musical, but dress up as if I'm like going to see the opera, like have like a whole suit. have like the little glass the theater glasses you hold and just be with a prostitute and then just be trying to like be a social item between acts with people that's so funny

yeah is she doing anything the prostitute yeah what is she dressed like being a giant whore you know having fun um no no no she's maybe I don't know maybe dressed like Lola Bunny or something I don't know

some sort of fur no there's unrelated you just fucking Lola Bunny I don't know maybe she's Lola Bunny wait Lola Bunny in her prime right yeah did Lola Bunny

Bunny's tits ever drop? Well, I think, yeah, she's kind of beat now. Oh, really? Yeah. You know, menopause or something? Okay. She can't get pregnant. No, just they made her more athletic, I think, of a build.

Oh, you know what? Did I say Lola Bunny? No, no, no. You're the, wait, okay. Are you thinking of the character? I'm thinking of the chick from Roger Rabbit. Who's that? The chick from who framed Roger Rabbit?

It's an animal. No. So Roger Rabbit is a animal. an animal and he's banging a chick, but he's a rabbit. Isn't that beastiality? Yes. Which was cool until recently. Until the fucking libs.

Yeah, yeah. Until the internet. Yeah. So people started asking questions. You know what? That is the funny part because when I was a kid, I would always see videos of chicks getting railed by horses. And then at some point, I just stopped seeing that.

Well, that's Florida. That's true. That's just where you're from. It is like a thing where, like, I mean, obviously it's illegal. but I think like that's how Jared Fogel got caught. So there was a video of a chick fucking a horse And she sent it to somebody. Is that for real?

Yeah. And then they started investigating her And they found out all this stuff And they eventually got to Jared Fogel. This woman was like, check out this fucking video How did she fuck the horse? Fucking a horse. On top?

Like, no, no, no. I just, I think you kind of like, I assume you go like this. The videos I'd seen, the girls on all fours, but. Why would the horse want to fuck a human? When the horse like, Mm-hmm. Have you looked at a fucking horse?

Five dollar for long. Can you fuck one of those? Humans are like, they smell good. I think the girl wanted to fuck the horse more than the horse wanted to fuck the girl. Yeah, no, that's why it's against the rules to fuck animals. You can't do it and you shouldn't do it. Right.

But I'm saying, like, when I was a kid, he'd be like, look at this crazy video. You'd be like, holy fuck, that's a lady fucking horse. Yeah. Or Mr. Hans was the big one, right? In our school, it was the German Shepherd fucking the girl. That was like a school near ours. Did you ever see that one? No.

Yeah, yeah. That was real. That's crazy. Someone showed that to me at lunch and I threw up immediately. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that is pretty great. Rose.

He was well trained, though. Yeah. Yeah, it is. Imagine the smell from a dog. Like, sex smells to some degree. But if you're a dog. Well, that's always my argument. Does it, Eli?

Let's circle back. Yeah, of course. Yeah, no, I... You don't think there's any... Maybe sometimes. Yeah. Yeah, probably smells like dog, but my thing is this like... I, like, uh, that's always my argument for guys that can't get laid on

Like there's women out there are fucking donkeys. Like you could fucking figure it out, bud. Yeah. You got to figure it out. Yeah. But those, yeah, the videos, I mean, maybe it's just because the internet got more. And we know more positions. What's up?

Yeah, horses don't have a lot of, yeah. They got one position. I know at least two. Yeah. Well, that's also the- She's in the other room for one of them. That's also like a human argument. It's like, sure the horses have big dicks, but what can they do with them?

And that's the same human argument. You say you're the horse. It's more about the motion of the sail than the size of the... I love that, like, a super sexed up, like, small dick horse who, like, just knows all the position and knows how to eat like. Yeah. A pony. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's using his hooves to...

That was so visual. Yeah, he's small, but he, like, throws it down. He, like, knows what he's doing. Yeah, I don't know. He's small, but everybody'd be talking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, a horse motorboating, you would probably go pretty hard, though. Would probably go, probably get you pretty hard. I'm sure if you close my eyes and had some sort of animal lick my dick, I would. You wouldn't know. I would probably know. Well, most animals have weird tongues. It's a good point. You're like a cat has a rough tongue.

Right. But if you blindfolded me in a prison, right? I don't know about this. This is me setting up at a question. I'm like, yeah, nobody do this. Get on your knees. Close your eyes. Close her eyes.

Nobody do this. But that's an interesting thing. It's really not. But I'm just like... No, actually is a great hype. Keep going. Okay. So you're...

I'm going to put me because I'm going to sacrifice myself. I'm blindfolded in a prison. Let's say a bear licks my penis and I get hard. Can you now call me a beast yet? Could you be like, ew, your grocery, you're into bears. I'm not into bears. They're like, I didn't know.

knows a bear at a time. This seems like it's the same trans argument. Bear's gonna call you a bear. This is the same trans argument of me not being... But I would have picked an animal more licky.

Like a bear is gonna fucking kill you. I would have picked like a dog or like a dog or a goat. Because then they'd spit on it. That's true. A llama is just from across the room. But that's the thing is you did get sexually turned on by an animal

even though you didn't know it. So does you not knowing it. Does the act itself make it you into it or does it, you know what I mean? Oh, you know what? I could have made this way easier. I'm blindfolded. I get certain jerked off. I put my dick in a glory hole. Let's put it that way. Okay. A guy sucks my dick.

I come. Am I gay? No. But I... Am I for being on the other side? But I did get sexually roused by a man. Even though I didn't know... Eli's like, am I for swallowing? Yeah. I did get sexually roused by a man.

So I was into a man blown. me, but I didn't know. See, that's the tricky part. Do you think you'd be able to tell a man tug from a woman tongue? For sure. I think I can feel a breath on my dick, and I'm like, that's a dude. Like, I think I could just sense. I think you'd be able to tell. And I'm like, no. I think men would be, like, rougher maybe.

Yeah, probably, yeah. You'd be surprised. Some women fucking, they choke it down. Yeah, everybody has, like, a different kind of thing. I have a very gentle, soft penis, and then some people just fucking like, and you're like, ow. For me, and probably for you because you're like throwing it in there. I don't know. Right. Yeah. But, but it is a funny. Like everybody has a different penis or vagina. So it's like everybody tries something different that like the last person did. You know what I mean? Yeah. And then it's like,

no, not that. Yeah. Like everybody has that thing where they're like, oh, but the last person like that. But like everybody's, we're all snowflakes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Unique with our own individually. How do you like it in your cock suck, do you lie? I like a, well, I'll tell you he's usually. Hmm. I'll look into the camera for this. All right. Fuck.

I, I, I like the, I like the pussy part of it after, maybe. Okay. I don't know,

man. That was the most confidently I've ever heard of an season. I don't know. I like that people appreciate me. Oh. Okay. Hallmark.

Yeah. You just made my heart melt. That was another AI video I made that made my heart melt. I tried to make a video of me meeting. my long lost twin black brother and it literally was just a video of me and a black guy and he's like it's so nice to finally meet you

he's like he's like we got the same smile he's like it's almost like we never see but I was like this is a funny joke that I looked in I was like this is so sweet it's so nice it is funny because when those things started I was like you guys look nothing alike but your penises are the exact same

just one thing yeah I was so anti that app like they kept popping on my thing and I'm like fuck yeah I for taking over, like, fuck you. And then I was like, let me just fuck around on here. And then I spent like four hours yesterday

just goofing on it and making just fun things. Just me and Gandhi smoking Crystal Met together. He would too. He would, yeah, yeah. It's like, I wanted those videos for me to be like nervous doing the drugs. I'm like, should I be doing this?

And he's like, you need to challenge yourself. He's like, you need to like, I think he says like, I'm afraid. He's like, courage is not without fear. Something like that. It's just Kung Fu Panda quotes. Yeah.

Well, that's the thing, too, is I feel like AI is going to kill us. But right now, they're like, let's let them have so much goddamn fun before we wipe them out. Let them have Martin Luther King, you know, dancing with Asian chicks, and then we'll go ahead and kill them all. I'm also like, I'm still not impressed by it. I don't know. Sometimes I see a video, I'm not sure if it's real or not. I've never had that noise happening either. It was like, immediately.

Yeah, you got inside. I kind of brought a bowl, too. I don't know what's going on. He's jerked off into his salad. Something like that. I've never been tricked by it. I've only been tricked by it where they move the mouth and have a voiceover. But if it's a full AI video, it doesn't trick me.

I saw it like a video of a hot guy on a train and it was fake. He looked like Superman. He wasn't a real person. It was like AI men. I was like, Jesus Christ. I've never been attracted to do an AI. I get the AI porn ads and I'm just like. There is AI porn.

Well, that looks fake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's probably because they haven't caught up because like the top people aren't working on that. Yeah. The app is super restrictive, which is really annoying. I can't do like, I was trying to do me and Benjamin Franklin in like a titty bar, and they were like, no, we can't do that. But you can loop around it.

So you can beg me in, Benjamin Franklin at a bar where women are wearing bikinis and we're throwing money. But you can't say strip club. So like you can just kind of keep jumping around it. Yeah. The best one is that guy he does these fucking videos where he'll take a picture of a guy in Walmart, like an old guy. And he'll say, is this to you? And the guy always say, yeah. And then he plays a video and said, he'll, he'll say,

guy like making out with another guy. And the old guy would be like, what the hell? He's like, who the fuck are you? Who are you? That's awesome. God, yeah. Pranking, these old people is great. Yeah, and I've talked about this before. Like, my prank imagination is like just down the drain. Like, I just have no idea how to prank. You just had like three great video ideas you were talking about.

You and Ben Franklin. Oh, yeah, but that's not a prank. Oh, okay. I thought you were big, you had three great ideas. You're getting blown by a... No, no, no. I thought you meant prank ideas like for the video. Sorry. No, I mean. like go out there and like prank somebody. Oh, oh.

Yeah, I don't know. Somebody told me a crazy one. Their landlord knocked on the door of this Hispanic family. It's like, it's ice. It's eyes. They're like, no, I'm just kidding. And I'm like, that's insane. That's more like threatening. That's crazy. Yeah. But I do wonder if that happened in like other

like horrible. Like I wonder if during the Holocaust Jewish guys were knocked on the door. Just knocking on the floorboards. Nazis? Nah, just kidding. It's scary. It's scary. Got you, Moisha. Yeah, you were like, oh, I totally got you, yeah. You were all, you know, scared for your life. Yeah.

Missing your pants. Well, I almost will say this. That is almost a better prank than the fake winning the lottery prank. Because the end result is good. Like, the end result is like, okay, I'm actually safe versus the end result being like, I did not win the lottery. Right. Then they, like, kill themselves. Yeah, yeah.

Those are, that's so fucked up. Like that video, you said guy, like, they're like, he won the lottery and the guy's, like, crying. He's, like, hug his whole family. And they're just like, until he finds out. You're like, that is fucked. Yeah. I have wanted to do that to like a friend where I get like somebody in a business suit and in the back of a comedy club to walk up to them be like,

you were incredible. Have you ever heard of Netflix? We want to give you a special. And then just be like, nah, you have to like let it play out enough for the guy to be like, fuck you, fuck you.

Like, you don't you mean? Yeah, like I made it. Well, say that during like a really bad show too. And then they're just like shitting themselves. So they're about to have to go in front of a. Netflix exec?

Oh, that is kind of a fun. Yeah, yeah. That's almost fine because it's like, yeah, that is almost fine to do it that way. I bet like it's funnier if they think they got. It's worse, but it's, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, if you're like, you really got it.

Give them, like, other information, be like, I actually, I called your parents before this, and they just told me how they're up. Your mom's all in the way. Yeah, they're so proud of you, and you really should be proud of yourself. Just kidding, you're a fucking idiot. Just kidding, I'm a fucking idiot.

I'm wearing a suit. This dude guy goes, it's one than you. It's the host. Yeah. You've been bumped. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I recently, my money's recently gone up because my day job started making more money

and my perception of money is still so off. I was like talking about buying a pool table, all this stuff. And then I'm like down to like having no money. Like one paycheck. Because like the problem with my fucking bank too is like, so I try to pay off my credit card, which almost is a bad idea to try to do all at once because it's, like it just wipes it and then I couldn't use either because my credit card wouldn't go through the money was out of one account but it wasn't in my credit card yet um and then my

Wells Fargo doesn't tell me it doesn't pose half my transactions so I like all weekend was like oh I'm at like $2,000 and then I spent just so much money what'd you do when out oh what do you spend on a night out drinks drinks other people's drinks buying friends drinks buying just like, that's the best guy in the group that's buying everyone's shots though. Yeah, whose bank account doesn't show the actual amount. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, no, no, I'm the man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am

the man, yeah. Well, because I was, I'm always, I get sugar babied so much. I have rich friends who'd always take me out. They're like, dude, you put your fucking wallet away I'm paying for all their shit. It's so sweet. So I was like, this was the first weekend where I was like, I could pay for this but I got way too excited. And I was like, I could pay for this. And then I ended up in my first, never been in an after hours bar?

You've been to one of those? An after hours bar? What does that mean like? So we're at my friend's bar And we're fucking like A friend of a friend's bar It's 8 a.m. 9 a.m. It's getting to 9 a.m. The sun is out

The metal bars are on the window But we're just in the bar Some people are doing coke Some people are doing ketamine And then we're just watching people walk their dogs It's crazy, yeah That is cool And I guess the guy also had a part of his apartment

Built in To like I guess you could just I didn't see this part, but like his part is part of the bar. So if he, like, left the bar, he's just in his... Latest have been is, like, 6 a.m. Blacked out of my mind. No idea how I got home. That's like the latest I've been out.

Oh, really? Yeah. I've done, like, into the next day. And it's, you know, I'm like, because I like it. Oh, well, it's, the time is not real. Yeah. Time's, woo. And I've gotten really good at telling my brain to shut up.

Because if my brain was just like, oh, you're going to be tired of my big, who cares? Everyone's dying. I'm already about to be tired. It's already five in the morning. Yeah. It's like what can I not handle being tired? I'm hung over it every other day. Because every day I wake up, I go, fuck my.

But you look great. You look like you lost a while away, right? Yeah, yeah. It's alcoholism. But my head is fucking, like, you know when you wake up and your head's huge? Yeah, yeah. The worst is doing a set when you feel like you're going to throw up. Yeah.

Because I'll be fucked up until the next 8 p.m. And I'll be like, before I have to go on, I'm like, oof. Because I'm like full of vodka. Yeah. No, I'm the same way. Like, I get horrendous hangovers for a very long time. And I, I, I think I've done stand-up long enough

where I could pull it off. Yeah, yeah. But I don't think it's like it's definitely not electric. Like I'm definitely... Right, right, right. It's definitely holding back my career. But I don't think it's like...

The problem is you go out and have adventures, then you have something to talk about on the podcast. For sure. But your stand-up performance might suffer the next night. So you're like, I don't know.

Because it's just like with this, I'm like... It's a shitty show. Yeah, but it's a shitty show. No, I've done like, full-time. 10 minutes like with my hand over my stomach. And I've told the crowd. I'd be like I literally, I did a show in Philly. And I was like, I just want you guys to know I am a gumball machine of Xanax and vodka right now.

And they like loved it because at least I was being real. And I was like, I was like after the set, I am going to go throw up and I'll catch you guys on the flip. And then I just did my jokes. See, I wish I'm too scared of them being. Because like, I'm a fucking crazy person. Right. not in like a fucking violent way but it's like I'm a fucking I'm a wild

human being and sometimes you want to go on stage and talk about shit but you're like I don't want to like you know I don't want them to feel bad for me or be like what the fuck is wrong with that guy but I think I need to just throw all that out and just be like riff it yeah do it like a shit show you don't it was like the show I did was like a 10 p.m. Crabb was chilling I was chilling I was

like listen baby we're going to get through this together you know like yeah did you take the Xanax for the hangover? No I just like it oh okay yeah yeah Yeah, it's pretty... You don't black out from that, though? Zanax?

Yeah. I don't know. I take, like, one. Like a full stick? No, no, no. Like, a full... A milligram. One pill.

I don't snort it. Yeah, yeah. I swallow it. Also, snorting it doesn't work. I'm not that crazy. Yeah, well, also, Juicy Jay has a line where he's like, have you ever snorted Xanax? That's some trippy shit.

First off, it's not trippy. And it doesn't even work if you snort it. Rappers are always a weird thing that. I'm drinking Molly water. It's like, I think you're like, I think you're losing, like, half the molly by like being in there. Isn't your nose connected to your like mouth though?

Like couldn't you like could I not eat food through my nose? If you take a- I think you should. You start snorting smooth. He's like, Eli weighs 75 pounds the next time we see him.

Yeah, pretty crazy Friday night. He's like, I've told me. The weight loss challenge. Yeah. I should so tell. Because everybody's like, how do you lose weight? I always like tell people weird things.

Oh yeah. Well, a lot of people accuse me of like being addicted to coke. And I was like, Yeah, you're like, no, I'm taking Zans. Reverse Coke. Yeah, literally. Reverse coke.

That's the name of my special. Reverse Coke. Yeah. Yeah, it's, I don't know, it is really nice. I mean, I'm prescribed Kalanapin. It's really worked into my life perfectly and has had, it's great. It's had literally no side effects other than maybe I would be curious if I'm slower

without it. Like, I take it a couple nights a week to fall asleep. And like, it just, that's not good. No, but it's great for my sleep. It's also what I do. Wait, only a couple nights a week? Yeah. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but no, no, no, it is a couple.

No, it's the best. You do a little vodka soda with a Zan. See you at 9 a.m. baby. Yeah. And I'll see people who are like, well, I haven't swept in four days. Be like, do drugs, you fucking retard. Yeah, like, what are you doing?

Just do them. What are you stupid? Do drugs. Yeah, they're like, oh my God. You can get a date. I'm like, yeah, but I'm sleeping. Yeah, yeah. They're like, you know what's really bad for your sleep?

To take drugs before going to sleep. but also not sleeping is really bad for your sleep. It's very bad. Lose, like, oxygen in your brain. Yeah, figure out the drug thing later. Now, if you're sober, I get it, because then you're like, I don't know. But if you're one of these in between people,

then you're like, I don't know. And I'm not, like, addicted to Zay. Like, I could, like, stop, but it's just enjoyable for the time of you. I don't, it's all good. Who cares? My family listens to this. They're concerned probably every week.

And the whole thing is, I'm very happy. Hi, Mr. and Ms. Good. They're great people. I hope you would choose a different animal to lick your penis, dad. You know, I hope maybe... What did you do decide on? This was a... You went bare, which was crazy.

That was such a hell married. You know what? This was such a mental thing for me, because I wanted to say... The hairiest of all animals. But I actually like monkeys, so I was so scared people would think I'm actually sexually attracted to monkeys if I said monkeys. There's like 10 thoughts before... They got a pale... It's interesting that that was the fear out of the hypothetical.

Yeah. People are going to think I want to fuck a chimp if I don't specifically say a different animal. And in none of the hypothetical, did you ever get to a woman licking your penis? Well, no, because the whole point is like... I like how you say licking, by the way. Yeah, well, because if a bear starts sucking your ween,

you're going to know it's a bear. There's no confusion there. Too much teeth. Yeah. I too. Exactly. But the bear grippy. The bear grippy. The bear grippy, the hell.

No, the whole point of the hypothetical was... Blowy the bear. Just not unknowingly... Children's book. Blowing the bear. Blowy the bear. Smoking the bear. I don't know where any of this goes.

Winnie the pussy? Yeah. Something like that. It sounds Jamaican. Winnie, get your pussy over here for mama. Get your pussy. Boom, boom. I think they call eating pussy boom boom boom.

Yeah. Yeah, I was at a show one time and this guy was like, he was confused because he's like, Jamaican guys don't eat pussy? And that's like a thing they don't. Not every last one of them. but that is like a... Wait, why, though?

God, imagine the one guy that eats pussy there. Oh, my God. Popular. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ladies, get in the line. Boer, boar, oh, Boa, oh.

Under the sea. Yeah. Yeah, no, so it was just like, it's the same reason Italian guys had like an anti-eating pussy thing. It's like, so people think it's gay to eat pussy because it's getting fucked by a dick,

but girls are also blowing people and you make out with them. So it's like, what are you fucking? Also, you're having sex with a woman. Yeah. So. Yeah. Also, I'm not the judge of heterosexuality here because, you know, yeah.

I've done some weird things. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. What's the gayest thing you've ever done? Gayest? Yeah. Kiss my mother on the mouth?

That's interesting. Yeah. On the mouth. Yeah, I don't think I've- Not like on the mouth, but like, you know. You made out with your mom. Yeah. Well, she's hot.

Okay. That's fair then. Did you try to pull away? She told me she wasn't into it. She curved you? I think it. I did one time kiss my mom in the lips. Not like a makeup,

like a peck on the lips. And then she's like, don't do that. She's like, that's fucking weird. I'm like, thanks for letting me know that. Then you got Tom Brady

just fucking smooching his pops. No, that is not how we did it. Yeah, that was weird. Yeah. Now, that is weird.

What if those kids turn out to be fantastic, though? What's up? What if those kids turn out to be fantastic? Is that how it works? If you get kissed enough and you just become like a great person. He really kissed him on the lips.

Yeah, that was like a kiss. And it wasn't even like a peck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird.

And did they address that even at all in the rest? The road's, I don't know, but it made news. Yeah, it should make news. And then he was like, we're Brazilian. I'm like, I don't know about that. Yeah. No. I'm like, you're not Brazilian.

You should be able to say other cultures are wrong and cut it out. It's like, there's a thing where people are like, you know, other cultures, other customs. You can understand where they're coming from, but also be like, don't kiss your son on the mouth here. Right. It's weird. I don't know. The height difference is like what really what. you have to try really hard to like bend down it like you're doing too much what if both of his

sons are stacked up and then he kisses one and then he kisses that's not weird yeah he has to get on his knees to kiss him he's just on all fours he's just like I don't even know why he'll say this is weird yeah that's a that's a weird thing I don't know I I'll say this I don't uh I don't like kissing guys in the cheek you don't like it yeah I'll do it for like a practical joke, but it is kind of, it does make me uncomfortable. I was with the guy recently, he plays baseball, and he's, like, tight with the other teammates. And we were, like, hanging out.

He was like, well, you know, you always got to kiss the homies. And I was like, do you mean Romy? I was like, huh? And he was, so I was like, I think that means he kisses his guy friends. Yeah. I don't love that. No, no, it is, it is, I mean, I don't think, like, jokingly. I think he was kidding.

Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like one of my buddies, he would always kiss you. and then call you a fag and stuff like that. That was like his thing. And where's he now? He's dead. But, yeah. By the way, this is half of the, all the cool people I'll tell your stories about.

Just don't ask where they are now because, you know, some of them are in prison. But, yeah, I was like, that was funny. But, like, I have, like, kissed a guy on the cheek, even as his joke. And for some reason, makes me uncomfortable. But on the lips, how do you feel? I've, like, pecked a guy in lips as a joke. It makes me really uncomfortable. Like, I don't know what it is.

Like, you always see, like, celebrity. Well, you're, it's called being straight. But it seems like that almost could go, you'd almost be like, I'm so, there's a weird line in between because there's something about being straight where you're comfortable with your sexuality. But there can also be some things they're just so unattractive to you that they make your skin curl. And for me, kissing another guy does make my skin like. But not him kissing your penis.

What's up? Him licking your penis. Because of the glory hole hypothetical? cool. Yeah, but then I would have had to not know, but I think I could sense it. Oh, right, right. You didn't know.

I think I'm so alpha and heterosexual and just a pussy machine that I can sense. I could just know. Pussy machine. I think I could tell when he entered the room. I could hear the door of it. You knock on the drywall.

You're like, yeah, there's definitely a cock back there. There's nine women in this apartment. It's X-Files, but it's just pussy machines. It's like sonar. It's scary. Put me on a train in any country. With my eyes close, I can tell how many women are on the train. Yeah.

I can smell it. I can just know. Feremonins are real, though. Like, if Fremonts are ones women have, or men? I think it, I don't know. But do you ever, like, smell someone? You're like, ooh, oh, yeah. Yeah, but that's also because women smell amazing.

Well, some men smell much better than other men, even when they're sweaty. Interesting. You're like, give me some more of that. Interesting. Maybe it is for women. I don't know. I thought it was both ways. Yeah, I have a guy with like a good cologne smell.

One of my friends, his dad was this super jacked, big black, nice, like, super kind black guy. And I remember all the kids in elementary school would just hug him. And he was just like a great smelling black guy wearing a leather jacket. For sure. But it was just like everybody's like, dude, he gives the best fucking hugs. And it was just like, there was just, but you smell, there is a thing about you're like, it's nice. We know how people that smell good. Yeah.

You're picking up on this black guy's pheromones? I was. I was. Yeah. Bottle that up. Yeah. I also I'm a deal to afford

but I need to fucking get some because this is a nice compliment somebody's like oh you smell nice right yeah yeah actually just got that on Friday night

I went on now I got no I don't I don't I don't I put like one little but this girl was like what are you wearing and I was like

a shirt shirt yeah she's like no like I don't know she meant the smell yeah the smell and I've just never

had someone pick up on it before Yeah. I will say this. I do like, I got like a fucking weird. I like the way strippers smell. Like I think I like cheap lady cologne that's like very girly smelling. Or maybe like shitty Walmart perfume. You know what? This might be the creepiest thing I ever said. I like the kind of perfume that like. You're talking children's perfume. Like that, because it is very like, like, like, I don't like women that smell like old ladies. I'm attracted to old ladies visually, but there's a certain muskiness to old, like more mature smelling cologne

that I don't like. Yeah. Strippers wear like blueberry smelling cologne. Right, vanilla. Right, right. Well, that's a kind of interesting. So what I'm saying is I'm attracted to the smell of teenage girls, but I didn't know how to say that.

And not smart ones. But like, you get what I'm saying? Like, there's got to... Dign dollars. That would be like a woman saying, like, I'm attracted to axed body spray. That doesn't mean you want to fuck kids. Right.

I think it would actually If you like to X body spray like that I think you do Who likes X body spray besides I can't like Women pedophiles Yeah I don't know Sorry Michael

You're back to I'm back to I'm fucking pedophile How old is that bear? In high school? I just remember in high school being like Whoa like the cross country team I'm like you fucking reek And then I got older and I

And I don't know, maybe I changed, but then I was like, oh, more of that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I was like, I remember my buddy MJ got Axe Body Spray and then all the women are all over in it. And I was like, Mom, we need to get X. Money Spray.

Stop it. You put it on the supermarket list. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, we're getting the Axe chocolate because that's what the chicks like that. That's that big guy in Orlando is Axe chocolate. Yeah, good hugs. Ex chocolate. I get the best hugs.

My first experience with the X body spray, I was at a summer camp and there's like two, like, it was like a sleepover summer camp. There's like two bunks and dividing the two. There's like a little hole in the top, like kind of ceiling going from one to the other. Oh, did you do the bombs? Yeah, people were doing axe bombs through them. You tape the top of an axe can and then throw it into the other bunk room. And then they're all, they all smell hot to Michael.

Yeah, yeah. And I was like, ooh. Yeah, we had, we had that one time. It was so funny. This fucking retard, this guy. We, uh, we, we threw axe bombs at each other. he's like, if you guys aren't going to go to sleep, I'm going to make you work out until you go to sleep, which just doesn't make logical sense, because then we're just going to have loads of energy

for another couple hours. It's not like you do it. It's adrenaline. Right. Yeah, yeah. So then we were just doing like wall sits and pushups because of gym coach. Mr. Babiak.

Mr. Rick Babiak. I'll say it fucking on air. How about three sets of four hour naps? You guys aren't going to fall asleep. We're going to do meditation exercises with calming music. music and rain sounds. That would make more sense.

Breathe in. Hold it. Let all your troubles drift away. No. I'm trying to think of like the worst smelling person I know. I know. Oh, I know. Yeah, they're actually...

Are you an obvious person? Oh, we're not talking about someone I know. No, no. I'm saying I know a person in my head. I'm like, that smelly motherfucker. It's usually mouth-related, though. Yeah, it's usually a breath thing. Yeah.

Which means, like, I think it's like their throat or something. Or they just don't brush their teeth. I just don't brush their teeth. Right. I'm aggressive with that. I brush the fuck out of my teeth. And I'm not attracted to teenage girls. You say it all you want. I like the way strippers smell and that happens to be cheap perfume. You ever watch that show?

Oh, fuck me. Not breaking bad. It's where the kids go to the prison and they like break them down. Scared Straight. Yeah. Scared Straight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, we're just reminding me because one of the episodes It was like a foster girl, she was such a little bitch

And she became an airport stripper. An airport stripper? Like a stripper by the airport. Oh, okay. Which I think it's like one of the worst kinds. Yeah, well, it's also like you're, what you're doing is like the program didn't work. No.

It worked for her boyfriend. He became a Marine. He broke up with her. Okay. She's also a Marine being an airport stripper. Similarly difficult. Yeah, that's, yeah. Yeah.

But, yeah. But it just reminded me. I know a guy that claims, he's listening to this podcast, so I'm not trying to throw him a bunch of shade, but he claims he wasn't scared straight, so they didn't air his episode of the show. No. I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know. They didn't, I mean, he didn't give him enough. I feel like that could happen. Yeah. The show is great. They also probably shows the posthiest kids. I'm, like, I never. They're, like, arsonists.

I don't think they're posseous. They're like, my name's. you know, DeWan, and I set fires in my mom's house. Like, they're crazy. Yeah, but it's like, I would love to just see, like, a fucking, like, like, Mike Tyson when he was, like, 14 was like, yeah.

Yeah, he really tried to scare that guy, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it is funny, because some of them are crazy where it's just a guy's like, we're going to bring your booty hole in here. You see what happens, young man. You're like, that's wild. They're just sexually harassing this chap. You know, he's not going to go. I'm trying to scare him.

And you're like, you can go, boo. But Tyson's got an Achilles heel. I'm going to. pigeons. It's true. Break that pigeon. You're going to break you. That's a good point.

Have you seen the Felice Johnson videos? Felice Johnson, this man's in prison. He's talking about how he likes booty hole. He has these crazy videos where he's just like, I love it. I just love a man, booty hole. And he was, like, in prison for years. He just got out recently, I think. But he's been on podcast.

This is the craziest prison should I ever heard. So he says he made 80 guards quit in, like, his like, 50 years of being in prison. Something like that. and what he would do is he would get this milkshake and fill it with shit glass. Apparently shaving cream would make it smell bad and then this sort of

The shaving cream is gonna make the shit smell bad? It's like a contrast thing. He's like, oh my gosh, this shit smells so much not like shaving cream. And then like stuff that would make your hair fall out and then he throated the guards and he's like the first step is the smell the second step is the pain

and the third step is the psychological Because they lose all their hair and they think they got a disease, but they just got Booty milkshake on them. Yeah. Dude's fucking crazy. Yeah, they really do it. I have mixed feelings on whether they should reform prisons because I am like, I'm sure, like I don't sell drugs because I don't want to go to prison.

Right. But you are like, I don't, also it's like, I don't know. It's like, it's not really reforming people either. So it's a confusing system because you're like, you got to make it scary enough to not want to go there. There's a documentary on Netflix, and it compares, like, prisons around the world. It's not 60 days in. It's, I can't remember, but it's on Netflix.

Locked up something? Locked up abroad? Yeah, something like that. And it's about a guy who was falsely imprisoned, and he goes to, like, different prisons to, like, show it. He goes to, like, Taiwan. It's basically, like, fucking just a concrete wall and people fighting shoeless. Kind of like how you greeted us. I can fight some Taiwanese guy.

Do they know karate? I think it's Muay Thai. Okay. Never mind. But anyways, and then he goes to, like, Iceland prison, and it looks like, you know, Penn State. It's like so nice. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I would guess. They're eating better than us. They're like, swordfish today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, what? That's a prison? Yeah, they're giving them the actual sword,

and they're like, oh, no, I'm just eating it. Yeah, they're fine. Narwhal. Gunfish. But that is a weird thing, too, though, because I'm also like, I bet you our criminals are so much, like, like, a neo-Nazi who sold crystal meth for 10 years is so much scary than, like, an Icelandic guy.

Even an isolated murder is nothing to anybody in downtown Philly. Like, you know what? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I could pull up. Yeah, yeah. I'd be like, you know what I mean? Yeah, I'll be fine.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But we're over an hour, so that's been the episode. I had a fucking blast. Fuck, yeah. I swore once. Let's go. Yeah.

I'm probably swear a couple times. He's straight. No, this show was fun. Yeah, thank you for having me. Thanks for having me. Yeah. We're going to find you guys online? Eli Swing 8,000, Insta.

8,000. Yes, sir. There was 8,000 other Eli swing. I know. Two, three. Everyone. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, just Romney Ross. No, that's not part of my real name. Thank you. No, yeah, Romney Ross.