Morning Good - Who Ordered This Guy? - Episode 58

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

HAPPY NEW YEARS, EVERYBODY! Thanks for sticking with us as Morning Good enters into it's third calendar year. Thanks also to this weeks comic's for coming on the show, check them out on their socials for more.Paddy is on IG @paddy_is_funky and Twitter @paddydefino. Joey is on IG @joeydeef and hosts @goodcrackpodcast with Matty Ferrara.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are. What's this? Do you call it the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. And we are here. All right. So I was just saying how gay I am. Yes. How gay are you? I'm so gay that my dad fucked me. Oh, wow.

It's pretty gay. Wow. That was quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty gay on you by getting fucked by your dad. It is. Yeah, because the bottom is the gayer of the two. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm here with Patty Defino. Hi, I'm Patty Defino. Enjoy it. What's your last name? DePhilippis. You guys are some Italian games. Yeah, we're a couple of wops. Yeah.

A couple of wops. Whop, wop, wop. No, we were just talking about how nice it would be to have a job that you can get hammered and complete. Oh, they're saying how nice is to have a dad that fucks you. No, that's not one of the nice things. But it is, you know, it's just like, like, Joey turned me on to Charles Bukowski. You know that guy? No.

He's like a writer who just talks about, like, women in a very particular way. Like, really doesn't, you know. Oh, he doesn't hold back any punches. There's no frills. It's just like, she had a cunt. I wanted to fuck that cunt. You know, that kind of thing. Isn't it like, older those?

Isn't that kind of how everybody talked? Yeah. He was older when he got famous, right? Yeah, it was like 50. But, like, this all took place throughout the 60s, 70s, even in the late 50s, probably. But he would just like, he'd have a job. Like the one book post office, he just works at a post office. And he's just like, every night would just drink all night and then maybe write a little bit,

probably pass out, get in a fight, you know, sexually harass someone. Then wake up in the morning, throw up, like shit himself and then just go to work. Literally. And never, ever completed his job. Slaved away. Like in L.A. just trying to deliver all the mail. Some jobs just like expect you not. They're like, we're hiring you this because you suck.

But it's crazy because I keep. like losing jobs or quitting or getting fired and every job just gets better and better and I get paid more. It's been going great from me. I first got here. First job sucked. It was like I had to set up like

food in conference rooms and stuff like that for like really nice business. It was like constantly like busy. It's like you got to be on the 34th fork. Got to deliver bagels. Also everyone hates you in those jobs. Oh yeah. You cannot do anyone right.

You're the pond scum. Yeah. They act like you cooked to the food. They're like this is under cook. It's like I just moved it over here. It's my tickets are bagels. They're like, these bagels are undercooked. I wanted the medium rare.

It's also so weird. The weird thing is, like, working with people your age. So, like, when there's, like, young hot shots, that's what bugs me. There's just, like, some guy in a suit who's, like, 25. I'm like, fuck you. Yeah. There's this guy I work with, and I'm not going to say his name.

That was it. That was the name. Thanks for blurring that out, by the way. And he's just, you know, he's just a big, tall, handsome guy in a suit, knows his job. and he's just got one of those faces that's like the eyes are like kind of squinted and like everything you say. It's kind of like me

squinted eyes. It's like when you talk to him, it doesn't, what you're saying doesn't hit him you know, like it hits him, but it hits this like force field of like his life and then it comes in and like whips and he's like he, I've never once thought I've said something

to him and he's like oh he knows what my point of view is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just one of those. Dude, I know you're, do you ever have conversation with people? I love how like I'm doing what you're talking about right now. Like I'm ignoring exactly what you said to get in my point. That's all the podcast. She's giving you the privilege to talk to him. Yeah. But I have some people you'll talk to them and it's literally like you're not, it's like you're two different, like you're talking to them and they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like, so I think we really need to,

I don't know where I'm going with this. My brain is fried right now. The problem is, coming up with an example is hard because the world is so full of examples you can never pick one. But most people have had this experience. Yeah, yeah, where you're saying something to somebody, but they have the same enthusiasm, but it sounds like they're not having the conversation. But they're just not getting it. It's not getting through. On the way here, something like that just happened. I was on the way here, right, and I see a little breakfast stand. And I'm like, oh, look, get a coffee.

What's a breakfast stand? It was just like, it's one of those things where it wasn't like a cart, but it wasn't a building either. It almost looked like a little newsstand, but they, you know, but they had like breakfast foods and coffee. I'm picturing. I've never seen this, but okay. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take your word for it. I see it. I'm like, oh, quick cup of coffee, you know, wake up a little bit before I come here.

And I go up to the window and the guy is just passed out on the skillet. Just like. Oh, like hurting? Like burning himself? Yeah. And just like. Oh my God. Just like, just like, I think he's dead?

On dope. Well, here's where this comes in. I see a cop halfway up the block and I flag him down. And I explain the whole thing to him. And like the look in his eyes, he just could give a fuck. He's like, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I'll go check on him. Yeah. I'll be right over there. I'm like, yeah, he's passed out on the skillet. Like, he's probably been there for a while. He's burning. Who ordered this guy? Yeah.

Dude, I can't tell you how many times. I can't tell you how many times I've waited in line for a hot dog stand. And the guys passed out on the skill. And then it's just a COVID test. It's just one of those fucking COVID test places. Oh, like, I thought I was getting, you know, Korean barbecue or something.

It turns just a swab in my nose. Yeah. Dude, I, So I just got back from COVID. You did. Congrats, dude. You look great. Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah. No, I, I don't know if I had it or not. I think I did because I tested positive twice. And then we did these at home tests and I tested positive twice. Well, what happened originally my girlfriend started feeling sick and then she tested positive. And I was like, all right, well, I guess I'm going to sleep out here.

Like I immediately was just like, yeah, I don't have COVID. You're like, see you later. Yeah. That was just my first to be. And then I was like, all right. No matter what, I'll probably stay here for the holidays, obviously. Yeah. But, um,

And then I tested positive. And then she tests positive again. I test positive again. And then we had to like cancel Christmas and all kinds of stuff. Isn't that the worst? Yeah, it sucks. It's also like for a fake virus too, you know, it's the, I know for something that only kills fat Chinese people. I don't know why.

No, but like, dude, it's such an excuse nowadays. But also like the COVID tests are fucked. Dude, it's, I tested positive. I tested negative twice too. Also, the PCR test, dude, I waited in line in the cold. Me and her both got PCR tested. we never got our results back. Jake Timothy got pizza,

never got a results back. And I called the place. I was like, yo, what's going on here? I'm supposed to, I always lie. I'm like,

I'm going to visit my grandma. I need to know if I should go or not. We always kiss on the mouth. Sometimes they will be like, oh, okay, it's weird that like, they'll not email me our results,

but if you call them, they'll be like, oh yeah, we have it somewhere back in here. Yeah. But I called them. Backlogs. Yeah, yeah,

we have it back here. They just forgot. Yeah. There's probably a guy just like me, how I'm doing a data entry job. This is his first day is doing like this COVID stuff. Yeah.

And he's getting yelled at and he's like, fuck, I'm sorry. He has like 40,000 new cases come in that he has to log. He's like, God damn. Johnson, where are the numbers? Sigh.

Sorry, how about you figure it fucking out? I got Christmas with my grandma. But it was so funny because I called them and they're like, yeah, no, we've just been getting so many tests.

And I'm like, oh, totally understandable. And then I go the next day and they have a giant line. I'm like, how can you stop fucking accepting people if you don't have any results? Dude, especially people

who just like getting the test. Oh, yeah. I'm getting a test today. It's like, you wore three masks and hid in the closet for two months. That's partially me, not the mask thing, but I like getting tested constantly. Because like, I like acting irresponsibly.

And then people are like, you should be, you know? I'm like, well, I just got tested. Did you get tested today? Got your receipts? You just like to rub it in. Yeah, I can do whatever the fuck. Because like, now that I especially had COVID

last week is like, I'm not wearing masks. Like, I don't know when I turned into this, like, angry person with this. But like, now I'm like, no, I'm not going to wear my mask, get targeted. I'm like, who am I? Well, dude, because I just had COVID to be fair, so there's no reason, like, I'm not going to get it again.

If you just get COVID, it's bulletproof. It's like grabbing the over shield and halo. Yes. Like, you're good. Unless someone meleys you in the back, you'll be fine. But it's also, it's so easy to put a mask on that I don't know why I want to be this like, I know. No, no. But it's like also like, I don't know, it's one of those things.

Some of this shit's hilarious, though, because then there are people that are like far the other way. Like, I saw this, they're like Republican people that'll have this. Republican people. I mean, I don't have a bloke. I don't give a shit. But apparently what they do is they have this fake mask that doesn't work. So it specifically you put it on and they're like, hey, check this out.

They're like, doesn't stop COVID at all. But you're still wearing it. You're still compliant. I know. You're still, like everyone else is still so happy that you're doing it. Like, I thought the point was to just like really be seen as this guy who doesn't give a fuck or is just like against it. I don't know.

Everybody, like the Republican mentality, it was funny for like a little bit. For sure. But then they started doing the same. thing the Democrats started doing and like getting all like petty and I'm like come on guys. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And also I'm also not political at all. Yeah.

But I think Republicans are fucking awesome. They're fucking sick. No, they are fucking like black like like like like as far as like if you just look at like yes. Like just everything. I love my favorite thing is that picture of that family with all the guns. Now they look like fucking retarded. But also it's so funny that people are like this is disgusting. I'm like it's kind of cool that that kid has a gun.

It is. That's cool. Yeah. And then this other woman, this like more liberal woman, posts a picture of all these books. And she goes, we arm our kids with knowledge in this house. I'm like, you fucking bullse. Yeah. Wait to get. To get robbed and you're reaching for your clip. And it's just a fucking copy of catcher in the riot. Someone points a gun at him. And they're like, they know the exact gun and like what kind of bullets they got. Yeah. That's the point. Yeah. 44 Magnum. Not to give up your location at all, but I was walking over here. I can't say the bar. Just a bar. Oh, okay. A bar. But it's got a cool name. Yeah. Is that the whole joke? He had some great about the name of the bar. Cool bar names in New York.

I wanted to know if it was named after if it was named after the weapon that the seals get or if it's named after something else. Do you know what I'm talking about? No, I don't think we're going to bail. That's when you cut. When you hear a boy, yeah, yeah.

No, we're just going to bail on that bit because I don't want to give up your location, dude. You got so many hot takes flying out of here, dude. I used to be saying, dude, I was like, I used to be on a podcast I guess all the time. I'm like, yeah, I work at the World Trade Center. I work there every day. I'm a dip shit. I live right above this bar. And like, I say everything. And then I'm like, eh, maybe. I wear a green hat every night. I put headphones in so I cannot detect.

So if they go into the vault, they can get the location. Yeah, exactly. I leave all my, lots of money in my wallet. Lots of money on the table. I don't even use it. I just sit at there. But what were we, uh, what were we talking about? Mask or something? Yeah, I don't know. I'm trying so hard not to be political. And the next thing you know, I'm just yelling at my mom on a FaceTime about the back seat. It's like I see the person that that happens to. I'm like, I hate that guy who's political. But then I don't know, it's just randomly. I just snap and then I'm like, why am I getting involved in this? Yeah. But it's like in the nature. It is. It is like a drug addiction. They're like with the social media like you're constantly like,

oh, is there going to be another rule? Can I go to the bars today? You know what I like? It's like the constant thing. Well, like you mentioned people missing Christmas when the CDC changed the guidelines. People like, I fucking miss Christmas. Yeah, because that's, yeah, I could have made it too. Yeah, I could have made mine too. and I cancel. But also, like, who really loves Christmas anymore? Like, who's older? I get, like, seeing your family. All right, Ebenezer Scrooge.

By the way, Jew. No one ever says that. Definitely a Jew. He's like, let's work on Christmas. What the fuck is it? Chinese food. I don't know. No, but, like, everyone, you know,

it's created this great thing where you have an excuse. I should have played along with that. I'm sorry. I wasn't offended by the Jewish riff. I just, I was racking my brain. No, no, no, no, no. Don't talk. I'm going to start in this Jewish household.

I mean, who's going to stop me. We should pick, like, a race of people to just get offended on behalf of, you know? In high school, we used to do the other thing. Eskimos, we talk about how much we hate Eskimos, because there's none of them around. So we'd just be like these fucking ice fishing outside always in their fucking little igloos.

It's just a funny group to be like, what? Sturdy Eskimos. But Scrooge isn't a Jew? Scroo's, that's not any name though, right? No, I don't think he's, like, deemed a Jew. But I get what you're saying working on Christmas. Yeah, yeah.

It just adds up, you know? I think Charles Dickens had some, you know, alterer motives when he was. typing up the... Well, it's like the Harry Potter thing where all the bankers, like... Yeah. That was a little less subtle.

They're like, do you want your money now? Yeah, it was pretty aggressive. I ordered lockers for lunch. It's like, what universe are we in? Yeah, the goblins, yeah. There was a teacher somewhere. I was reading this literally last week that was having the kids reenact

like Holocaust stuff. And like pretending to dig mass graves. And I swear to God, there's a quote of the children asked, why did this happen and quoted because the Jews ruined Christmas. What? It was in the independent. It was nuts. Wait, so the teacher, this is awesome.

It was like to learn about the Holocaust. They did like reenactment in their classroom. Okay. That's a very bold thing to do. She's like, we're skipping lunch today, everybody. Guys, here's a shovel. The senior play, we lost the rights to West Side Story. But the good news.

We're gonna do something way better. Yeah. I can see like an edgy theater director, this is cutting edge. This is what we have. This comes off so racist. Yeah, this is theater.

Yeah, because that's like, that is the job that comes from hell is any high school theater director. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, because you don't have... He's just yelling at a kid. He's like, you're Hitler.

I want you to be Hitler always. In class. Kids reading Mind Kump in English instead of Catcher in the Rye. Dude, yeah, that's got to be a tough job. I remember like in my high school they wanted to do what's the one with the plant that's like alive?

A little shop a horrors. And they did like their own rendition of it. And it was fine. But then it came out after the play that the teacher never bought the rights to the play. And they're just like, yeah, now Sogertie's schools owes $4 million. For a play that generated about 58 cents in popcorn.

Yeah, it was a total fucking little shappahooahs. A little shop. I like that. Yeah, that's a bit. Check. What were we fucking talking about? Holocaust school. I don't know where this got started, but.

Yeah. It started in 19. Oh, yeah. That's where it goes through. The cool time, as they called it. No, I was saying, I tried to do this on stage and it didn't work. So now it's a podcast bit. Yeah.

Because that's the best way, you know, that thing. happen. It was about how my Kindle they put like ads on it so I get like money off and stuff. But now I like I really can't read anything edgy at all because they suggest books like based on what you're reading. Oh yeah yeah yeah. So like I don't want like

some fucking pipe bomb for dummies thing popping up on there and just being like I know I know this is what it says. I'm actually smart. I'm not as dumb. I'm a terrorist but I'm not a dumb terrorist. Yeah, I always get worried about that. I have one. What was it? What did I have recently?

There was one that was, someone was bizarre. Like, it was almost like my thing was calling me like a pussy. Like huggies showed up. Like how about your phone? Yeah,

like on Instagram. I'm like, what the, like, does it think I'm a pedophile or I'm like somebody who wears diaper? Like,

I was so confused. Yeah. Or you need a conversation with your girlfriend. Like, I was so shit-faced last night. Yeah. Did you,

did I pull out the other night? Yeah. No. You know, You know what? I think I may have looked up pregnancy test. It's wild. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Dude, you can even, like, I'm pretty sure you can talk about it to someone else and their phone, like, kind of knows who you are. Because, like, you're talking, like, they know who you hang out with. They know all that shit. Yeah. And then Instagram now is like, it's, you'll see, like, a regular post, but then it's an ad. Then it's a regular post. There's so many ads. You don't realize that.

You ever count, like, how many ads there are? Oh, yeah. It's crazy. It's like 30 to 40% of your posts are ads. Like when you Google shit. Yeah. Yeah. Like the first three.

Exactly. Yeah. Sponsored. My Instagram is just like a business account now. Like I literally, I followed thousands of people just to get a bunch of followers, which works. It actually really works. But it's like now I don't even go on it because I'm just following like the randomest people.

And people that are like, it's always like I get a lot of random ones, like cryptocurrency ones. And then like fake girls that want to have sex and yeah, just stuff like that. Yeah. Those the girls are the world. Like my Instagram account, I have to bury it and never. I don't know how to leave it. I started doing that role because I have a girlfriend just... I feel like it's less cool if you have a girlfriend, but just

only follow dudes. Like I know it sounds like it was like, I follow chicks, like, nah, I don't even give them. Yeah. I just started unfollowing hot chicks because I'm like, this is just making me upset. It's like seeing like a new bicycle in the window when you're a kid and you're like, my parents are never going to give me this thing.

That was like, the movie Project X, I always hated it because I'm like, I just want to be at that party. Yeah. And now I watch it. I'm like... Miles Teller, dude. Oh my God. And Costa, the funny.

friend. Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, that was just like a great, like, time. Like, I, I constantly, it's, it's sad my life, because I am happy, but randomly, I'm like, I want to be in fucking high school again. Like, randomly, I'm like, there's something about that, like, just drunk looking up at, like, the sky when you're, like, you don't really have those moments anymore. Maybe just because I live in New York, but, like, those moments where you're just drunk, like, you know what I mean? And you're like, I'm going to stay out all fucking night. Yeah. And you're like, drunk looking at the sky and some guys shitting on the sidewall. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I got to get out of here. But yeah, like, you can even see this

You're like piecing together the universe in your head. Those are the best moments, dude, getting a little blizzied out. Oh, it's amazing. Just going on a roof and being like, I could jump. Yeah. I have the power. Yeah. I'm not going to.

Dude, being on roofs is like crazy because it's like so openly acceptable now in New York. Like everyone's got like a rooftop. Being on roofies. Being on a roof, dude. That's very acceptable. Yeah. But like I always think. Because of COVID, it's so funny because they're like, yeah, no, don't be inside.

That's dangerous. So everybody go get fucked up on the roof now. Everyone get fucked up on the roof where there's like a ledge, a foot and a half high, perfect tripping height. Dude, some girl died. Like, we had like a, we were at a rooftop party. And I guess in that same area, somebody had a rooftop party. And some girl, like, tried, like, climbing across the other side. To the other roof?

Yeah. Dude. That's tough when you're like, I'm bailing this party. Yeah. Going out with a great. It would be fun. Traumatize everyone there. Yeah.

I always thought it would be fun. Like, if it's a party, you don't really know a lot of people at. Which is like most of the parties Like you go to when you're a comic. Oh yeah. Like a rooftop one. It's just civilian people and like you're bored out of your mind. It would be fun if like everyone agreed

That like one person there They were just gonna throw off the roof. Oh yeah. Everyone has like a secret for the rest of their lives Because like if it's one person that falls You can be like officer. She was hammered. She started to fall.

Dude, it's probably so easy to push somebody off of a roof. Oh yeah. Because everybody should bet they fall. How are they going to know that they didn't climb back? No, they were acting. crazy, man. You get a nice pre-war building, no cameras. Game set match. Yeah, you're good.

Yeah, yeah. The only thing would be if, like, she'd hit, like, one of those awnings and, like, bounced off into the street. He's like, I'm okay. You're like, shit. Yeah. She comes back off, what was that? Nothing. You can't get you. Dude. One of my, uh, one of my

friends, Keith, who's like an older guy who did comedy. He sounds like, I don't know any Keith's. Yeah, there's Keith Chase. Oh, shit. I don't know. guy, but this guy, he's like 40 and he has all these crazy stories, but he was saying he was at like this intermural soccer game and he like hurt his leg or something. He like twist his ankle or whatever. So he was sitting on the side lines and as the game is going on, he sees someone get thrown out of a window. It was like a mafia building and they threw this guy out of the window like three stories

crashed through an awning and like onto like dumpsters and stuff like all the shit just totally dead. You know? Oh, Jesus. So, like, ambulances showed up and, like, all of these, you know, paramedic, like, whatever, police. And they're all, like, asking around. And Keith was, like, the only one who, like, witnessed it. And he's like, yeah, like, I saw this guy fall out of the window. Like, I don't know if he was pushed or he fell or whatever.

It was weird because it was just, like, a regular window like this, you know? And they're like, oh, well. Dude, it's going to be so hard to throw somebody out of a window. I know. Because they don't want to go. Yeah. But he was like, yeah, it was crazy or whatever. And they're like, well, like, this guy is dead.

Like, I guess we don't need to answer. ambulance. And he's like, well, actually I twisted my ankle earlier. Dude, gets a ride back to the hospital. And he's like, yeah, it was great. They didn't charge me anything. Dude, there's just people in life.

He just sheds to the dead. Or I guess they don't even use the truck, right? Yeah, I don't know. They just shoveled them into like some car or something. Yeah, yeah. It's great. Like morticians have the craziest stories where like people get hit by a car or whatever. And their body is like in three different counties now. Yeah. They just take a bag.

and throw it in. Like, people don't... Oh, God, dude, I couldn't... People always, like, they put makeup on the box. I'm like, I don't think that helps that. Like, depending on what, I don't know. I've never seen... I've never seen dead body my life.

Really? You never been to a weight? Oh, dude. Not, never, never opened casket. Dude, that's like... I want to open clothes casket, so you find out... So you're allowed to open the casket if you want to. So you can see just weird out. You're like, it's open, but just on the legs part and like...

Your talk is out. That's like a thing, like in Jersey, like Jersey moms will just be like, like, oh, they did a terrible job with the makeup. Did you see how horrible he looked? My mom would do it. I told him he should have went to Waltmans. They never mess it up. I just, I just do Jewish accent.

No, that works. It is, dude. They do like do them up. They dress them up. They don't look good, but they don't look like, I don't know. I've never seen. What if somebody looked better? They're like, damn, they put, I don't see them as big.

That happens. They do because like, like, for me who have, I have no neck. So like, if I were to die, like, all. the sudden, like, your body kicks in and, like, the fat in your body just, like, kind of recedes. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I, I would, I'm like, uh, I'm a walk in aeroids like way before. Like, Botoxy muscles. Bursting through the fucking tuxedo or whatever.

There's just a guy that, like, lifts the weights in your arms just to build the muscle mess. Like, I'm, uh, walking around. I'm like a six or seven, you know, but dude, dead, I'm probably a nine. Oh, yeah. I'm a very fuckable corpse. Oh. By all means.

Yeah, but fuck, do we. Yeah, dude. That's gonna be somebody, go to somebody's funeral, like you rejected, but then they have, like the good makeup on. You're like,

yeah, I never really saw him from this angle. Wow, if I had just, you know, kissed him at the bar that night,

maybe he'd still be alive. They're like, sir, you shot her. Yeah, sir, you shot her. Granted, it was with a nerve gun, but then you pushed her out a window.

No, that would, no, I mean, murder is, it's something we're all thinking about, right? Yeah,

yeah. What would be like your ideal way to murder someone? I feel like I was thinking about this recently. Of course you were. Because we all are. Let's see. I don't know. I would probably be,

I mean, I feel like everybody says the same thing. It would be a prostitute just because they're off the books. But I think a homeless person probably. Yeah. But like how would you do it? Stabbing. Quick little one, two.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't really think about this often. Yeah, I do. You should get you. I do. You have a Google. Dude, the funny thing is, you know where I think about this most is, like, in church?

Like, if I'm visiting my parents and I'm in church. I always think of what am I going to do if somebody comes in here and shoots up the place. There's, every, every comedy show, I look for exits because I'm like, somebody's going to do. But that's where it is. It's like, I want someone to come in. Like, I don't really want it, but if this happens, I want someone to come in and, like, threaten the lives of everyone. Oh, yeah. And then, like, you have full, you know, responsibility.

Open floodgates to just beat the living life out of someone, like, between, pews like slamming missin. Yeah, that's got a badass. Buddy of Christ. Hit him with a Somme. Yeah, exactly. And then everyone cheers and like maybe one old lady died, but like, it's okay. You know, there needs to be a little bit of like valiant.

Yeah, yeah. There's always a margin of error. Exactly, dude. Yeah. That's kind of, yeah, that's a great way. Yeah. Churches are so cool. Like, church isn't cool, but churches are cool.

Yes. Oh, yeah. Like, what was that one of the Batman, like the first Batman, like Michael Keating, like that end scene in the fucking church. It's a cool fighting place Yes, it is The Venet movie It ended there

Yeah, it did I didn't love that movie No, it was weird Woody Harrelson I don't know why they made his hair Like, his hair sucked in him I don't know I forgot he was even in the movie

Yeah The second one of saying Oh, I didn't see the second Oh yeah I ruined Woody Harrelson's in He has red hair I'm sorry

Oh shit dude Well now I don't need to see it Have you guys seen Have you guys seen Yeah No not yet You know who's in it I already know

My favorite is one of my friends He's like this Conspiracy theorist guy he goes, I met Toby McGuire, like this is like six months ago, he goes, dude, he told me that there is elite Hollywood pedophile rings. And everybody's involved with it. He's not involved with it. But that's why he got out of Hollywood. They're in pedophile rings.

And I was like, did you talk about the new Spider-Man? He goes, no, he's not in that. He told me he's not. And I'm like, wait. So you're telling me that Toby McGuire was like, yeah, I'm going to tell everybody about this elite pedophile ring, but I'm not going to let anybody know about the secret that I am in Spider-Man. The new one. Like, why would he keep that secret? Yeah, imagine it wasn't Toby McGuire,

it was just Toby from the office. Yeah, he can't get booked anymore. He's like, well, everyone's a pedophile. I don't even want to be there. Yeah, that's such a funny cop out. You're like, yeah, I don't want to be part of this weird sex pedophical. I don't have sex with kids. I'm an actor.

That's also so funny that he would be like, like, I don't know if there's any truth of him, the idea that Toby McGuire came up to him and was just like, yeah, no, I'm, I can't tell him about Spider-Man. Yeah, but I'm going to tell him about it by the deepest throves of the Hollywood elites. Yeah. I was actually in a Spider-Buyerer Spider-Man. Spider-Man.

Were you really? Spider-Man Homecoming. Me and Matt Ferrar. Oh, shit. We're walking into high school as like Tom Holland jumps over a car that's about to hit him. It's like right in the beginning. Wow. Can you like see yourself if you watch?

Yeah, but it's like blurred. But you can totally tell. I wonder if they purpose like blur faces in the back. Not so much this guy. Dude, it's crazy. There's a hot teenager. This one not so much. We're going to.

They literally did like 15 takes and just take extras and be like, yeah, walk into the school from this angle. Oh, really? The guy's behind the monitor, he's like, yeah. Yeah, we got it. We got it, guys.

Nailed it. After two hours. Why isn't Spider-Man, why isn't that been a plot? Spider-Man stops a school shoot? He is in high school. That would be interesting. Yeah, you would think.

Especially in this climate. Yeah, yeah. I know, dude, just like, could be good. The gun is out. Flash Thompson's like, Parker, take this. Flash Thompson. I was so.

Is that Jamie Fox's character? No, no, he's just like the bully in the Spider-Man. My thing, I would go see to see the Spider-Man. I always worry about the shootings and stuff like that. But then I was saying how wild it would be is like, Spider-Man would be a weird one though, because like imagine like,

because it's one of those movies that like you wear 3D glasses. And imagine just like, I don't know why I picture just like my family just seeing me with like 3D glasses and clean. It's weird. I don't know. That's a weird way to die. Yeah.

Just like they're hanging off your face. I picture the wake too. I still got like this shit. Yeah. Why do they leave the 3D glasses on them? You don't want to see it without him. Dude, I'd love to be an extra. like in a movie, but I just don't, I feel like it takes a lot of time on set.

But there's this one Avengers movie. I don't know what one it is because there's so many. But there's like these two guys who just walk through the background. And they're just like, they're just like naked men. But yell like just like banana yellow like all the way down. And like I was in the theater with my friend and I was like, wouldn't it be so funny? Like they were just looking at each other like, hey, you want to be yellow in a movie? Yeah.

Just walk around. And get $100. a day. $100. We're just yellow. There's no like indication as to what planet they're from. Yeah. There's like veterans to the extra game.

Like when I did it that day, there was a guy there. He had to have been like 70. He's like, first rodeo kid? And dude. I've been a zombie and walking cat. Does it five days a week. Like literally does it five days a week and like we'll take extra food from catering to bring home.

Like he's down bad. Wow. He's like crafty with the craft services. The craft services are great here. Why do they call it craft services? I have no idea. I always thought it was buying like the craft mac and cheese company. And then I found out.

Sponsored. It's just mayonnaise and mac and cheese. I thought I'd be so involved in the film industry by now. Like my first guy coming, I'm like, oh, yeah, you know, I'll be in movies. Now, I think there's zero chance I will be in any movie. Oh, dude. It's just not in my. It's not in like, honestly, a good comic.

It's not in your trajectory to do that because. Yeah, yeah. Maybe the tides will turn, but I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I need good comedy movies to come back. That's true.

They're pretty dead. Liquorous pizza was very funny. You were saying that. Yeah. Yeah. It was surprising how funny it was. Because it's no, it's like a good movie. It's just an all around great movie.

Yeah. But like me and Joey saw it together and like we were dying. And like the funny thing is like the theater we saw was Alamo Draft House. I don't know if you've ever been there. No. It's like in Brooklyn. It's basically a restaurant bar. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So they bring you beers and stuff. So like we're sitting there at the start and this guy comes up and like it's like the waiter and he's like oh you write your thing on the ticket and then you put it on the table and like we see the list of drinks and like there's a moscow mule and i was like i kind of want to do a kentucky mule and we're like that's not a stretch you know like any bartender especially in new york city knows how to make a kentucky mule so we wrote it in two two x kentucky mule and then

underneath i put in parentheses like small it's like or a moscow mule you know if you can't you know because i didn't want to be a dick about it the best one way when you can't get a drink like you just ask for something. Do you guys have like, you know, like Red Bull Vodka's here? And they're like, excuse me? Like vodka? Yeah. No, but like, so the guy picks up the card and he looks at it and he's like, oh, yeah.

And then puts it away, types it and walks away. We're like, fuck yeah. Like he's, this is our guy. No less than two minutes later, two Moscow mules show up. We're like, oh, this guy didn't give a shit. Oh, yeah. He's like, oh, I got the out. Fuck these pussies.

Yeah. But the way he acted to like, after the fact, you're like, wow, what a prick. Because he was just like, huh. Yeah. He was like, no, yeah. Totally. Oh, yeah. No problem.

I could give you bourbon. Yeah, he could have been like, I can't really do this. Right. You know, but like they have no time for that. Oh, yeah, no. And they encourage you to rat on people. Like, if people are being loud or talking, they put on the screen. Like, we encourage that you, like, get a staff.

Yeah, like, like, this table is talking. Make them leave. Alamo draft house. Alamo draft house. Yeah. That's fucking exhaust. Yeah, I don't know. I like, my favorite is, I like seeing Godzilla because, like, we, I saw it hammered.

and everybody was just like yelling at the screen. This is fucking stupid. Really? Yeah, it weren't that one. The new one? Yeah, it was like one of those things were like, there was little jokes in it, and people would be like,

ha, ha, ha, everybody else would die laughing because this guy is fucking. One of my favorite movie things ever, though, is I still remember this. You remember the new Charlie and the Chalky factory that came out like five years ago? Yeah.

Yeah. My favorite thing I always remember is after the movie, right when the credits roll, this guy just stands up theater goes, let's boogie! And everybody's like, yeah. Do you see movies by yourself? I think we talked about this.

No, I'll see him with friends. I try to lay out a fart in Spider-Man. There was a really quiet moment. I was trying so hard to fart. I'll ruin it. It's worth it for that moment. Because, like, that will be the best and worst moment of that Spider-Man fan's life.

Yeah. That movie was also annoying, though, because people were just cheering and clapping. Like, anytime someone was on the screen. That's a good time to sneak it out. It is a good time. Yeah. I was genuinely waiting for the quietest,

what if I just like, shit at my pants in Spider-Man? Yeah. Did you imagine, like, like, seeing just like, from the point of you of somebody, like, further up, looking down, from the aisle and they just like walk.

That could be the first time you ever get an applause for your shit. Yeah, yeah. Because they're following at the movie. Yeah, they're like forced to clap. Dude, I go to a lot of movies by myself because it's just like, it's whatever. You're watching the movie. Like I have the pass, regal pass or whatever. And there was this one time, it was during, uh, what's the Hollywood one once

a time in Hollywood? Which I loved. A lot of people didn't really like it. I was sitting in the back, like the very back, just ripped. out of my mind. And there was this one guy sitting in front of me. And he just kept like,

every time there was something that involved women, he would just be like, ha, ha, stupid women. He just kept doing shit like that. And then at one point, he just kept turn around to me

and be like, am I right? You know? And I'm like, I'm not friends with you. Don't talk to me. My wife is a fucking whore. He's like,

dude, they're so dumb. They don't get it. He had like long, dirty hair. And like, but I was so high. I was like,

too, please stop. Whatever. And then after the movie, tried to tell me facts about the movie. I was like, I gotta leave. I can't be associated with you. Yeah, Charles Manson guy.

I used to run with him. Yeah. He's cooler than he sounds. He's got a lot of good points. A lot of good music, too. There's always like the same person on both sides of the spectrum. It's like there's always like the,

the feminist that clearly like, just got in a horrible relationship with the guys. She clearly just hates women because of that. It's like, oh, no, you just got your heartbroken. But it's same with the guy. There's always like, a guy who like didn't get laid. And so now he just like hates all women.

He's like, now when they do the thing. It's like, it's always like a comparison. Yeah. But also at the same time, if like a woman like hits on that guy, like we all do the same. We just kind of like shrink and they're like, oh yeah. Like we just get all nice and gooey and friends. It feels good no matter what. Oh, that guy.

He just needs that one time, you know. That's why you got a legalized prostitution. Exactly. Yeah. No, I think about it. I think we discussed this. We said it's not, it's going to be legal at some. point. But it's the way they always do it is like, because they want to get, the politicians

want to get their affairs in order before it gets legal, you know, get ahead. Get it ahead. They want to make money because they know it's making money. So they're going to make it this thing where you have to get like a doctor's note. I'm going to be like, the skin irritation, let me write you a script for pussy. That's what it's going to be. It's going to be you have to like consult with someone. They're going to be like, oh, you haven't gotten laid in two years. You're having these crazy thoughts. Yeah, let's... You're 30 and you're still a virgin. Like, you know, it's really hard to, you know, recover at

that point. Exactly. Exactly. The doctor's like, let me look at your chart. He's just like, look at it. It's like, yeah, it's been so long. He's like, dude, you're fucking every... Get the hell out of it. We got real patience out there. He's doing like an exam. He's like, dude, your dick's so well. I don't even try this. Jeez, it's huge. He just writes

the name Bella on a prescription she'll do you. Yeah, that's what you do. Don't go to cinnamon. No, no. There's a break out. Cinnamon might have you coming back here for You might have a reaction If you know what I'm saying

There's really no reason why Like the only argument I've heard It's like what does this tell our kids It's like I would hope my kids aren't a prostitute Because it's a legalization has nothing to do with why my kids are a prostitute or not You know what I mean? Yeah, it was going to be a doctor But then the prostitution is legal

So I'm going to do that now Yeah Yeah nobody really wants to do it Yeah Yeah But it's a great dude And like There's a lot of women out there

And I can speak for all of them But I'm sure there are a lot of women out there who are totally like fine. They're like, look, I don't have, like, the things they want me to do is almost more degrading. Like, I'd rather be a prostitute than, like, work at hooters and make, like, shit. And just have weird old guys, like, hitting on you the whole time, you know? Like, rather, like, you're actually kind of making someone's, like, entire month, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I'm sure a lot of the people that go in are super cool guys. I, uh, I went time when I used to refrieu by I would do this prostitute, and she was You used to drive for Uber? Yeah, greatest job in the world. I love that. That's awesome. It was so much fucking fun, dude. People would just be, like, offering me Coke.

It was, like, always exciting. Yeah. Yeah, it was the most fun in the world. And I remember this one woman I drove up, and she was a prostrate. I picked her from a hotel. And she's like, yeah, she's like, this guy was going to kill himself.

But then I blew him. She's like, I know it sounds weird, but I think in a way, by blowing this man, I'm doing God's work. And she started, like, reading all these Bible verses off to me. I'm like, oh, God. Leviticus 184. thou with hatred in their heart

needs to release it through their loin gives you like the best lay of your life and you're like wow like this woman's really something and then she starts reading the Bible verses and you're like there it is I'm just waiting for it'll be funny if she blew him and then he's like now I gotta kill myself

she said it like his whole thing is he played out of killing himself and then yeah that's a tough look dude guys are such pocies about that too about what killing themselves like chicks don't really do it that much right no they try so women are more likely to try to kill them. It's kind of funny.

And then men are more likely to succeed at it. God, dude. Women try to do a man. They always want attention. We learned about that at sight class. It was the funniest thing because everybody immediately was like, that's hilarious. The more men succeed at suicide than women. Yeah, dude, it's just white men know how to succeed in this world.

That's white privilege. Yeah. I would time this. So there's a girl. I knew one girl trying to like hang herself from the fan with like a sweater, which like clearly that, does not. It does not work.

Another girl tried drown herself. I can picture her like, which sweater? Like, which one makes more of a statement? This one makes me like fat. Well, the, one girl tried drown herself, but I remember one time we went to this pool, and the whole thing is you're not able to drown yourself.

It's apparently impossible. And we were at this pool, and we saw this, like, random girl. She's like, I'm going to do it. And she just goes under the world like, and then the cops, like she leaves. And I was talking to my buddy, and I'm like, you know, you can't,

you can't drown yourself, right? Especially not a pool. Yeah, he's like, of course not. Yeah, you can't do that. And then this guy walked up, he goes, I heard some girls try to drown ourselves. He's like, you know, you can't do that, right? We're like, yeah, no, that's what weird you say?

And I swear on my life, the cop comes up. He's like, did some girl try to drown herself here? He goes, he's like, you know that's like physically. He's like, you know, that's like, physically. Now she says another reason to kill herself because everyone thinks she's retarded. Yeah. Not only are you suicidal, but you're dumb. Yeah.

But, no, yeah, I think you have to, like, tie, bowling balls your hacles or something. It has to be the new wildest. Jump into a river. A piano. You just like push the piano. Dun, dun,

dun, done, done. I always have that conversation about how, like, I would escape if, like,

shit hits the fan. I think I'm doing, like, canoe. I think, I always, if I'm on the run, I think shaving your head's the first move. Unless you're already bald, then you got to cut your hair.

Or bleach the hair. Yeah, you got to do something, like, different. Because I think immediately, they're like, we're looking for a brown hair.

haired guy. And then if you have it's funny you say canoe, because like I thought about the same thing. If like there was a like an atomic bomb coming for like New York City, like it would be such a mad rush out in cars and public transportation. We'd never get out. Yeah. So I had that, I was like, I would

get in a kayak and just paddle offshore as far as. No, that's the movie. Yeah. And let the, you know, the impact of the bomb. Wave broke. Push me. Push me into the sweet shores of New Jersey. One last wave. The sun is like setting behind you as you

Yeah, and how cool? Dude, how cool would that look? Like, you're just paddling and like, psh, behind your head. My job here is done. Son, are you okay? Yeah, I'm just a little wet, but you know, other than that, no problem.

I got my life vest on, so. Yeah, it was good. That's so funny. That's hilarious. My favorite was we were in high school once in our teacher, this girl was so dumb. Our teacher's like, you're talking about the Hiroshima bomb. She's like, the bomb was dropped.

and even people, you know, hundreds of miles away had radiation poisoning. And the score by Zerang goes, yeah, but did anybody die? What was that? She's like, did anybody die during Hiroshima? We're like, it was an atomic bomb.

Wipeed out an entire city. Two cities. Dude, that is crazy. That was like 80 years ago? Right. Yeah, yeah. We had that technology. We're overdue for another one.

We're overdue, but it's almost like it's only going to be bigger. Like, you can't, you know, because people are going to see that and be like, the world's going to end. It's going to be multiple bombs. And just everyone's smashing the buttons at the same time. Yes, exactly.

We'll hold hands and look in the sky. There's got to be some, like, I don't know, I think there's going to be some way to like, I, like, there's going to be some bunkers that work, right? I'm sure. Definitely. Definitely. They got full-out shelters all around here. I love seeing them, yeah.

Like, there's some, there's one of these village, upper east side, and you'll walk past, it says fallout shelter, and it has the little radiation. So it's like actually if that's what's for? Oh, yeah. Holy shit, I didn't know that. That's what. The only thing I don't know is like when, because I've seen them a few times. Because it could just be one. If they're active or not. Like, can you go in it right now? Right. Yeah, that's the hard

part. You don't know if that's, is it a government thing or is just rolling guys like, I'm going to save all of you. Yeah. No, I think I think it's like city. Yeah. I think I'd rather just die if the bomb came. Yeah. I don't want to be hanging out in a shelter with those weirdos. Dude, we're living in like fallout. Canopies. Yeah. This is from 1885. If you're a doomsday pepper, you have to want doomsday so bad.

Because you're like, I look like a fucking idiot. I've invested in my life's work at this point. But it's almost like, I think it's almost better to look crazy than like an idiot. So that's why I kind of like conspiracy theories because I'm like, okay, either you guys. He's got some wacky ideas. Yeah. That's better than when that moment when you're right has to be the best fucking theory. Yeah, you fuck, euphoria.

That's better than everybody just kind of thinking you're crazy all the time. Exactly. Or you have to be a conspiracy theorist and like the most obvious one that like a lot of people believe in, like, the fact that, like, Epstein didn't kill himself. Yeah. Like, no, he clearly killed himself. But JFK. Yeah, like, like, just, you, the most obvious one, you have to, like, no, no, no,

that was legit. Yeah. And just, like, legitimize your other thoughts. Yeah. You just need one good one. One good one. I have a friend. I'll call him out.

Jason David does not think Epstein, he thinks Epstein totally kill himself. But he's a fucking retard. Shut the hell up. He's one of those guys. I love Jason. He's one of those guys, like, I am crazy to conspiracy theories. Like, I'll believe anything. I am kind of crazy that way.

But it is funny because he's one of those people where like anything he's just like, no. Like he's like very like, like, will not believe like any conspiracy. Because that's my weird thing though. I understand like a lot of people are like, yeah, I know the US government did horrible things forever, but they just like stopped the last like three years.

They've been super cool. Once we got a black president, everything is super cool. Just go to the CIA Wikipedia and have a field day. Yeah. Yeah, someone was saying that like half the CIA is pedophiles. Yeah, I heard that. Yeah. They do some crazy shit, dude.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know how I feel about that. Not great, but at the same time, it's like, dude, you're in the CIA, you know, like, there's crazier shit going on, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe let a few squeak through the cracks. Yeah, it is an interesting thing that people do get like, like, obviously, like, yeah, people can't be fucking kids. But it is a weird thing that people are like, it is something I'm going to stop. Like everybody, everybody's like, we can end. I'm like, like, there's that, Louis had that new joke with his special.

It's kind of, it's not going to end. Yeah. Oh, never. There's always going to be new ones. I had a joke about it. Freaks will be freaks. Most of the people that were molested, I don't know if it's actually true, but the rumor was that, like, people who were, like, uh, pedophiles were molested themselves. Right.

It's like the theory is after every kid gets molested, you immediately throw them in jail for the rest of their life. You fucking future pedophile. It's like, what's that movie? Uh, not minority report. Yeah, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one with Tom Cruise or whatever? I never saw, but that's the whole idea of state.

Yeah. But I think that that statistic apparently was like non-accurate. I don't know. On Wikipedia. Yeah, I mean, I think there's a couple problems. Like, I was a molest. I was the one that does it. Yeah, there's a couple problems with collecting data.

It's like, one, nobody wants to admit they're molested. And two, nobody wants to admit they're a pedophile. Yeah, exactly. It's like, sure. Margin of error. Exactly. There you go. Yeah, I'd like to see the, uh, the bell curve on that data.

When you guys were in college, like, Oh, did you guys, you went to what, Monmouth for a year? Monmouth for a year and then Marymount. Did you go to college? I went to Florida State and I ran. Oh, so you did not go to college. No, but like, you know when there's teachers who were like, we're doing a bell curve. So like everyone gets like an 80 on everything no matter what.

What's that fucking awesome? It was great. It was so good because I was in like very smart classes with so many like geniuses. Clarkson. It's like an engineering school. Yeah, I don't know what anything is. I just know Florida State. It was, but I was such a fucking loser.

Yeah. I was such a like a loser compared to them. I mean, I guess I was cool and they were the losers. But like when you're surrounded by people who are studying all the time and you're the one drinking and partying, you're a loser. And it's like a weird thing. Yeah. But like I luckily got like in on that bell curve and like I was able to just kind of like escape by like at everything. Oh yeah.

I never really failed anything that bad. Although my first test, I got 17 on, dude. Oh, damn. I've talked to my teacher. I was like, how did I even get a 17? He's like, well, I had to give you extra points for showing your work. He's like, yeah, you just got to get used to like this school. You're just going to have to, you actually have to study.

I was like, yeah. Walking through the campus, like, what am I doing here? Dude, the funniest thing about that class is like, so I got a 17, then I got a 33 on the next test. And I ended up doing the whole year and I got a D in the class. Oh, shit. And I thought I needed at least a C to get credit. So I ended up taking the class again. And I did worse the second time.

Oh, shit. And I ended up dropping the class. I was like, I guess I'm not going to graduate. And they're like, oh, no, you didn't even need to take that. Oh, yeah. We're like, we just thought you wanted to take it because that's what you want to do with your life. So you should know it. And I dropped so many classes, dude.

Yeah. Dude, I still have that nightmare that I have like the exam and I didn't go to a class. Like, I constantly have with her like, no, you didn't show up for any of this. And I'm like, my worst one is though. So I'm a dumb ass. I'm not good at school. I went to Florida State. But also, like, you can, who really cares if you go?

You know what I mean? I don't know. There are people going out there via doctors. But I'm like, you know what? It's, it's, that guy that was a life of the party, he's still in Tallahassee, just having sex. They're having more fun. Exactly. I'm tired of people saying, like, oh, he's not successful.

I'm like, no, he is happy. Yeah. It doesn't matter how smart you are. It's just how sure of yourself you are. Yeah, exactly. That guy thinks that everybody's a pussy. Yeah. So, like, in his life, like, like, I knew guys like that.

They'd be there for like, yeah, no, everybody sucks but me. I'm like, all right, well, he's having fun. And he runs the city. I don't run it. He runs a city. Exactly. Yeah. That's basically mayor of the college town.

That's pretty fucking cool. Yeah. There was a lot of kids I went to school with that were like, they just couldn't do school. And they're like, dude, I'm just going to be a plumber. Like, I'm nine years old. I know I'm going to be a plumber. My dad was a plumber. And we're all like, no, you can be like big things.

And he's like, no. And then now he makes. so much money doing plumbing because it's like nobody wants to do that job it takes like a skilled person who's dedicated and yeah he's always successful and like all of us are like I'm going to be a writer

and this and that we all suck yeah we all and you're just Bukowski takes 50 years I want to be Bukoxi I open a page masturbate on it turn the page I can't even open this damn book it's sealed shut writing is too strong I love the name

jokes I was thinking about this one N-word scissor hands. He's like Edward Cisor Hands, but he just has the N-word has hands.

Like, no, he was born that way. He can't do anything about it. It's like, it's just like, it's just like,

one of the, like the, the buzzer things with like, like the rattle. Oh, yeah. I think it's not scissors. It's like,

it's like something you edge up with, yeah. Oh, a pick for you, Afro. Yeah, it's a bit. I always saw men in black face would be a funny movie. And it's just Will Smith with like a darker black face.

Will, you didn't have to do this. That is a good disguise. You could do it well enough to where the government could not find you for like probably like a couple days. Yeah, what if light skin people do blackface? No, Drake did it. People were kind of mad about it. But he's like, I'm doing a bigger point or something. We'll talk about committing a murder and having to get away.

Shave your head and do blackface. No one will ever notice you. You will blend it. But then the cops immediately get you because they're racist. It's like a hate crime. You're coming with us. Wait, you were warred out for murder. Oh, we thought you were cool a second ago.

We even let you drive our car around. We were just getting you because we kind of had to. We didn't want to. We shot at you on accident. Yeah, no, the word association's always fun. Just Lane Sackswell. I like that one. She's her playing a sax.

It's so dumb. She is late. I mean, Jizz Lane is like, that could be a... Oh, yeah, that happened. Yeah, I don't really. A whole porno in itself. Yeah. I don't know.

She's like a something. So she got, she got charged, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But that's it. Convicting. Yeah, yeah. Now it's just we're never going to hear about either one of them again.

Well, everybody said they kept scrubbing the, the thing. Apparently they were like, the flight logs are like still like not. They're like, you know, trial information. We can't really let that out. I'm like, can we know who's on the plane? Yeah.

Did you, have you really looked at the list of people on there? I'm sure you have. It was Toby McGuire. Yeah. He's like, Andrew Darfield,

Tom Holland. Yeah. Was Toby McGuire dressed at Spider-Man? No, like I saw like some of the names on there, it's like, I cannot believe that they would be there.

I've seen that like some lists aren't actually as legitimate as. Dude, I could write an MST flight log. She's like Elmo. Just like, dude i guarantee you i could make one i have friends that would like to be yeah this is it

and i'm like this is really just an excel sheet that i made himself but alec ball was i don't think he was i don't know if he's actually on there i'll yeah i saw him on what the list i was looking at i was legit my favorite i saw a few shots at some kids yeah you know what i mean i saw i saw in the other day my favorite alec balwin video he does these like instagram videos where he's doing like the front facing one with the camera

and he's just like looking on the difference he's like you know guys uh you know i just wanted to wish everybody uh Merry Christmas happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanza. And, you know, what happened this year was terrible. We're going to find out who did it. And get your booster. You know, get vaccinated. But also, you know, Merry Christmas.

I'm like, this is the weirdest piece of things? You're throwing into like a three-minute video. Like, dude, he did what the homeless guys do. And they just did one today where like this guy came up to me. He's like, you a comic? I was like, yeah, he's like, dude, I can tell you're so good at it. I was like, I'm not. Yeah.

It's like, no, but you got charisma. And he's like, you're going to be famous someday. can I get like a dollar? You're throwing so many things into one. They just set you up. And you know it's coming, too. I also love the guy who's like, I wasn't going to get boistered, but the Matthew McConaughey told me. Or not not McConae, but like Alec Baldwin.

It really inspired me. That's what I decided it would be even funnier. Yeah, I thought it was a microchip until Alec Baldwin was like, it's not. So what would have been great is if we got a Kevin Spacey video this year. And he's like, it's a shame when people die. and they die from things outside of their control. Oh, yeah. Get both your shots and boosted this holiday season.

Oh, yeah, that would be funny. What the fuck is the one saying? Also, baby driver out on Blue Ray, my last big movie. Yeah, he's like, yeah, no, I fucked kids, but also, you got to give Alex. I have to say it. Yeah, and your kids. Bring your kids. Bring the kids.

I'll give it to them. I own two hands. I think, I still think that testing center for me, like just took my information because like literally it was just a tent. You could just set up a tent and then just like swab people and just like. Yeah. One of those tents by me. Was it like Lab Q or something?

Yeah. Yeah. I did one of them. And it was like I think it's just the number of sheer numbers. I think if you don't have COVID, they don't rush the results back to you. Yeah, but I had. I'm so telling. I'm gonna, I'm totally telling them that I went to my family's Christmas.

Yeah. Just to fuck with them. I'm 100. Just because they took so long. My dog died. Dude, oh, so this is pretty funny. This is a comedy podcast. My dog on Christmas Eve.

Died. Hold on. You open the box. Dude, my dog ate about 25 of these chocolate-covered peanut butter balls that my mom made. Eight like an entire tray of them. And it's just like just chilling there. So like half of my family is like, she's going to die. We need to do something.

The other half is like, that's not true. Dogs can eat chocolate. I just argued about it. So I was like somewhere in the middle and I was like, I don't know. Like maybe let's try to make it puke or whatever. So we went out and got like all this hydrogen peroxide. I'm just holding my dog. I'm not gay.

It's like a MythBusters episode right now. So it's just dumping it down her mouth and she's like, like just, you know. What do you put in her mouth? Hydrogen peroxide. Oh, shit. Okay. I also learned that from a louisters episode. we special. And I did not tell my

woke sister, Zach. Maybe we should just let the dog die. But anyway, I poured it in and uphold it and she's shaking, dude, we must have poured half a bottle in there. Nothing. Like, the dog is not pukin. It should have thrown up just by the sheer volume that it ate. And then the sugar. It wouldn't die

from the hydroxide? No, it's supposed to, like, trigger the stomach to puke up. So nothing. We put poison her stomach, so she threw up chocolate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, So, dude, 24 hours go by and we're like, I guess she's fine. Like, she pooped, whatever, no big deal. Dude, we're sitting on the couch with her.

She just, like, leans over, opens her mouth, just blah. Like, rightly. Dude, we thought we were through and that we were clear. So she's alive and well. Yeah. Now we renamed that cookie after her. They're called Luma bites now. Oh, there you go.

Shout out Luma. She watches your body. Have you seen any other person's dog who's, like, on massive amounts of shrooms. Like the dog's just like falling over. There's literally a concern to look at the dogs. Yeah. Those are sad.

Yeah. Because like they can't express their feelings to you. No, yeah. So they're just like living in this world. And like, imagine like they take a bunch of shrooms and they like all of a sudden understand everything. Just expands their mind.

I thought that when I took shrooms once and I was trying to talk to my friend's dog. Like I was just like, Jack Daniels. You know you communicate with him. I'm like, J.D. like you can break the vows. I was silent. He's just staring into my soul.

And he's just like, well, I guess it was the dawn of him. He got nothing. Just says something really racist. I'm like, oh man, JD. Do you think like dogs from other countries

like bark in different languages? Like Korean dogs are like, Rof, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Woof, woof. And then like in America, they're like, what's this guy barking about?

They just sound like Brian Griffin. What's going on with this guy? Who is this? Speaking of Korean, actually, I don't think it was Korean. I think it was Indonesia. I know those are way different places. Whatever. I know that there are two different Asian guys.

I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry. I'm fucked up. I know they sit on the floor when they eat. That's it. It's only doing podcasting because you have an idea. And for like 10 minutes, you're like, I'm going to try to interject this into what we're talking about. Not related at all.

But I'm like, all right. Dude, none of us are good at this. So that's what we're doing it. Do you have the upper hand because it's your podcast? And you're literally sitting higher than I do that. I just look at you like, they're smart. But I was looking up with the oldest guy.

You ever look up with the oldest people in the world? And they're like always Asian guys. They're like 140. There's this guy apparently, he's like 145. Jesus. But he's wanted to die for like 50 years, apparently. Like apparently he's like, yeah, no, I want to die now.

And it's just like not happen. Like he doesn't kill himself because he's like, I want to, he's like still breaking lever. But also, he's like, I'm in the Guinness Book of World Records every year. Yeah, yeah. But it's also funny because, like, that's one of those things because it's like, oh, okay, that's great. You live to 145. But nobody, you did nothing with your fucking life besides being the oldest guy.

Besides being old. Besides being old. Most of your life is just being insanely old. Yeah, that's your whole life. Like, my grandpa's 92 and that's all he'll be for the rest of his life. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like, even as he gets older, he's never going to, like, learn a new thing.

No. And very few successful people make it to that old. No, yeah. He was like very fit. They're like 80 to 90, but like no, there's no 100 year old. Like, not, no. I can't think of one. Maybe there's something, I don't know.

You know, it's going to be weird as like Bezos or someone is going to hit that age. He's like so fit. And, you know, there's shit in like in that realm of elite society where like you can take certain supplements or whatever. I don't know what's out there. He's on the royds right now. You see him in that boat. Juicing, dude, with a big fucking pair of titties there, dude. He's crushing it.

He can get remarried, right? Yeah. What a dumb move, dude. Why is he burying anyone? Well, I'm sure he signed the pre-enup this time around. Or maybe he doesn't even give a fuck. He's like, listen, she divorces me, takes a bag. And who cares?

I get paid slightly more and I start spending money. I can't imagine if I don't have money. Oh, yeah. I'd be spending money in just the dumbest shit possible. Yeah. It's just so nice to know that it doesn't matter. You get anything. Anything.

But the crazy thing about, like, having that much wealth is like, just depending on the way, like, the markets are, like, you can be out, like, billions and billions and billions of dollars, like, over the course of, like, six hours. You just have to not care. Like, you just have to be like, no, it'll come back or whatever. That's weird. That's, like, I couldn't imagine. His wife, Stephen Hawke's wife stayed with him, right?

This is me trying to interject another thing I'll be on. Like, we could go about somebody with the ALS. Yeah, wasn't he like a... As we think about people who, like, live old and, like, are in good shape. Stephen Hawking was pretty old, right? Yeah. I think his wife stuck with him, but I also heard he kind of got around. That's what it was.

Kind of wheeled around. Right and dirty. It kind of gets me rat and dirty. Anytime he gets sucked off, it's roadhead. Yes. Yes. Yes. I saw it the other day. It was the funniest thing it said, this man with AL. Yes. Yes. Yes. Right there.

I'm going. Yes. Yes. I'm going to come. Yes. I can't tell if he really likes it because he's just saying, you know what I mean? There's no inflection on it. He's only got yes and no. There's no gray air. Trying to type like, uh. He's like, arg. Ugg. Ugg. No, it's a good hug.

The H. Don't forget. The H. My balls. Grab my balls. I saw this article was like, this man with ALS

is the most advanced cyborg. That sounds racist. It sounds so bad. I'm like, would you ever go to somebody's house and find out their...

Because he has like an advanced wheelchair. That's the whole thing he's a cyborg. Because you'd be as you go to somebody's house, like, dude, you didn't tell me

your dad's a cyborg. That's so sick. Dude, I watch Teen Titans my whole life. How did I not know? I was jokes surprised, but it sounds like a Disney Channel movie, like my dad, the cyborg. Yeah. Oh, man.

How long do you do this thing? An hour? Because I noticed it's at 59 minutes and 51. I wouldn't get the fuck out of here. I'm going to think he's talking about. I got a cyborg. I'm not to keep ripping, dude. I feel like we're swinging some cock.

Yeah, we are. We're batting it down. You bet your cock. I like saying that. Did you play sports as a kid? I did wrestling. Okay. I was very bad at it.

I was okay at wrestling. I was, uh, bad at football. I was so bad at football. Like, I can't even describe to you how horrible I was football.

And the coaches always hate me because I was always, I was always friends with all the football players, but I would just distract them the whole time. And the coach is like, like, with a passion. I remember one time the coach is like, do you want to even be out here? And I was like, absolutely fucking not.

I didn't even thought I would get girls. My favorite those is my, my, I thought I'd get girls from football That's why I did it But I didn't realize I was like third string Like my

Because I did in middle school In eighth grade I was like third string There was like sixth graders starting over me Dude that's the most important string Dude that's the love note On the guitar No no I think I was fourth I think it's fourth year

I think it's fourth string Oh dude that's the bottom of the base Dude I was so bad My freshman Oh sorry here No what was it But I never wanted to play Like it was one of those things

Where they'd be like I'd be like I was every game I was like I fucking hope they don't put me in I don't want to tackle No dude, it's sucking it. But my favorite was after college, I was talking to my friends,

they both play football, and one of them was like, I hated it the whole time. And the other one's like, me too, man. I pretended to like, it's so funny, even the people that are great at it, are like, I hate this. I mean, some people, obviously, like, incredible people at it are love it, but it's like. Yeah. I mean, I don't get it.

But like, we've talked about this, dude. There's a thing you see in people who have done sports that doesn't exist in people who haven't done sports. Like, there's this, like, entitlement. you have when you don't, like, because you have to, sports are basically, like, adversity for people who have white privilege. Oh, yeah. Because, like, we don't have enough in our life, so we need someone telling us to go somewhere

at a certain time doing something we don't want to do. So that, like, is so, you can tell. Black parents probably don't do things to, like, teach their kid a lesson. No, they're like, they'll learn from the streets. Yeah, I said, Goddust. People are going to be pretty mean to you. Exactly. Dude, where I, uh, did you have a story?

Did you want to? Well, no, I was going to say, my freshman football coach. told me to go fuck myself, just because he talked about like, do you even want to be here? Oh, yeah, yeah. I was like, I wonder to like now, though,

because they have to be probably kind of woke because they're like, yeah. Oh, yeah. That won't fly nowadays. Johnny, you're a cock sucker or a pussy liquor. I don't know.

Or a weird thing in between. Whatever. I can see, I can see a kid like bullying his way onto the team. He's like, oh, really,

you're not going to let me start on the football team. Well, we'll see about that. Is it because of my gender? No, it's because you're 100 pounds. The helmet does not fit you right. Jangles around.

Oh, God damn. You're starting tonight. QB1. We'll put you a corner back. That would be funny if the white kids try to play that car, like the race car. They're like, they're not putting me in because the coach is racist. It just spins around.

They just think the black guys are better because of science or whatever. I, uh, there is this, when I played football, I played for two years and I was pretty good. but I hurt myself, and then I was like, I'm not going to do this anymore. But there was this kid on our team who was like mentally, like, I don't know if he was, I think he was retarded or whatever, whatever the word is. That's not it, but that's not. I had a conversation with somebody too where they're like, this guy, he was mentally, uh, retarded.

I was like, he just, I was just about to say that. I don't know what the right word is because like saying handicap to me makes it seem like he's less of a person than us. Like, he's just, he's just a slower person. I think the correct term is intellectually challenged. Yeah. Yeah, let me tell you what. He was no Bukowski.

But, no, he would, he was our equipment manager, so he would dress up in uniform. Yeah. I could have just said that. It would all make sense. But he was our equipment manager and he would still, like, put the pads on instead of practice. Yeah. Is that what radio is about? I think it is.

Yeah. I've never seen. No, it is. Do you think they have an interview for equipment manager? They find out of mentally challenged. like, you're going to be graded. Like, immediately they're like, you were exactly what you're like the good. The sentimental music starts.

You're going to change the world. You're going to give a speech at every single one of the games. But he was, dude, he was the highlight of my practice because most of the practice is just like in the shits, like diving on the ground, doing shit you don't want to do. But he would every day would just kind of like put his hands behind his back and like kind of mozy around on the sidelines. And like every day he would just sit under the water cooler, like literally like, laying slouching underneath

and just wholly it and just like pour water down himself drink it. Dude it was so funny. Him and one this other kid who I don't want to get into the he ended up murdering his dad later on really fucking crazy story but they would they like left

practice and everyone's like where are these guys because the other kid was on the team well the coach can't yell at him either yeah yeah equipment's just gone he's doing the water thing we're going to have to figure something out I'm not yelling at him. So they both left and they came back like an hour later with candy apples.

And I was like, dude, I wish. Like, we talked about having the confidence like walk away. Imagine having the confidence. Just leaving practice. You're like, I'm not getting any burn here. Let me fucking get a little snack in. Just rolling while everyone is literally dying, running sprints just on the sideway. This is pretty good.

You know, whatever. He just comes down. He's like, one nibble? That would be the funniest taunting thing. Charlie. go taunt them with your apple. Dude, it was so funny. Not supposed to bite it.

It's rock solid. Yeah. That's not a candy apple. That's a baseball. What are you doing? I don't even know where to get a candy apple. There was no fair in town. There was no, you know.

He knows where every candy stories is like a head. We live in like a, it was a small town. The high school is like miles away from anything remotely, you know, quaint that would sell that kind of thing. But then again, they were gone for an hour. They could have taken like a bus to the next town. No, they got candy senses. Soaking wet from water.

I talk about this every episode. It is, I don't think I've got an episode without talking about mentally challenged. I don't know what it is. It's like a canoe. I always say that since like there's the weeds. And I'm always trying to get us out of the weeds. But no matter what, the current just takes me to take you in, dude. And you know what?

You know something about the weeds? There's a lot of fun to be had in the weeds. There's a lot to learn, too. Yes. And sometimes, you know, you just got to look at the weeds for who they are and smile and love memories. Yeah, exactly. I genuinely think I love them more than other people. 100%.

They're awesome. It's like, it's the same thing. It's like, I laugh at my mom. That doesn't mean I hate my mom or think. No. Doesn't mean I don't think she's autistic. But you see the weeds under the water cooler doing their thing. Oh, dude.

Soaking up. Yeah. Growing. I love that. Sometimes you even wish. You're like, sometimes. I really wish I could trade place. I wish I was in the weeds.

Norm had a great bit about that. Because the whole bit starts out. He's like, people say it's hate speech. I say they were retarded. He's like, I love retards. How is that hate speech? I love him. And he's talking about he's like,

they are so much happier than anybody. So we're not looking at, it's like, you're looking up. He's like, I wish, he's like happiness is like a, they have like, it's like a little bit of grain of gold. And it's like you're mining through sand and you're only getting little grains. But those guys just have like a block of gold. Yeah. Constantly.

A block of gold for a brain. Like their quality of life is shorter, but it's, better. Yeah. Dean David tried saying that to me. He was just like, dude, he's like, we should be, he's like, we shouldn't look down on them like, and like, or we shouldn't feel bad for them or like, or whatever. He's like,

we should think of them as equals or whatever. I'm like, Dean, I was like, Dean, you just threw them out of your comedy show. How has that any better? No, yeah, that did happen. Yeah, there was. I don't throw him out of the way. We don't have to go.

Let's not go into the weeds again, you know? Don't throw him under the shortness. Yeah. Don't throw him under the shortness. But yeah, well, that's just also like, what it is... I love how you looked at me like, can we talk about something. No, no, no, I don't get. I'm done pretending I don't love talking.

I know. It's fascinating to me. It's interesting. I love them. They, it's like, but it's also one of those things. Like, it just is what it is. It's like, you're not going to pretend a blind person can see. It's just not what they're getting.

I don't know. In this, no, that's rude to throw things out of them and say guess. In this world, I feel like it's coming soon. We're going to see that. Yeah, exactly. You're blind, but you're also white. So don't. pretend.

We had a blind guy interrupted apparently he heckled everybody. So like he a horrible guard dog by the way, his dog walked him

right into a pole. I sold him to take to the show. And you know, I was talking to the guy and he's like, yeah, I'm blind as fuck. He's like a blind as a bat.

Can't see anything. And I was like walking. Like he fell down, like didn't fall down the stairs like, like he was like walking all. I think he was hammered. And apparently I was like,

what if he heckles everybody? And apparently he heckled every single person. And then I just facing the wall. He's, that pussy stinks, I bet, right?

And there's like a moldy fucking thing on the wall. Rodding wood. He's facing the wrong way. But he like, I wrote all these jokes. I was like, all right, I'm going to roast him if he like says anything to me. And then he just didn't say anything. And now I have all this just mean stuff. I was going to say to it.

Should have just said it anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. I think it's a good spot to end. That's good, right?

Hell yeah. Hey, Michael, thanks for having us. Yeah. This was a blast. It was a great time. Great time. Yeah. Is there anything you guys want to promote?

But I feel bad. I'm going to have Joey on again because I feel like I didn't let you talk enough. What do you mean? I feel... I had a great time. Yeah, I thought it was fun. It was very fun.

We were great, dude. I think this was probably your best podcast ever. Yeah. Never listened to a single one. This one's going to break the charts. Break the charts. Fuck, promote a follow me on Instagram at Joey Deef, J-O-E-E-F and Twitter.

Joey Kweephyf. Joey Kwefferuni. Or on Twitter at Toke Malone. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Also, good crack podcast. Check us out.

You definitely come on soon. I love you, man. Yeah, I'll have a great time. I have nothing to promote. The PGA courses. Oh, dude, I'm getting really good of making golf courses on PGA tour. Oh, nice.

Look out for... That was the... I'll be honest. I love you, but that was the fakesest. That's nice I've ever had in my life. I don't know why. I feel like being honest right now. I...

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know what you just... said. What is a PGA golf thing? No, it's just a video game. It's a golf video game, but you can make golf courses on it. Oh, that's kind of fun.

So I've, you know, I haven't done well at my real job, but I've done real good at this. So if you're on, if you're playing PGA toy, look up Calabar Sports Club, number one. And then Screaming Elk. Those are my two golf courses that are pretty fucking good. See if you can beat some high scores in there, you know. I said you, I'm bad. I'm sorry. Ah, that's okay. Are you still doing a Fox City, USA?

Yeah, we're on like a hiatus, so, because Alan is in Boston. So, yeah. I think he's coming back in this new year and we'll get things going again. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. All right. Well, I appreciate a lot. Fuck, yeah.

You guys promote everything you got to promote? Absolutely. I'm good to go. Thank you.