Morning Good - You Really Stepped Up Today - Episode 49

Episode Date: October 31, 2021

Big thanks to Jake and Joey for this extra long episode. They're both hilarious so check them out on social media to see anything they have coming up. You can find Joey on Instagram @thejoeyrinaldi or follow his podcast @trailertrashpod or the live Bad Trip Storytelling Show. Jake is on Instagram @jake_timothy.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. You're on a shot. I have fought my way. No, I'm just kidding. By the way, we are here. We already started. No, no, no, none of that is usable.

No, no, no. The last five seconds, I started. We didn't catch any of that. I'm here with Joey Rinaldi. Oh, I'm supposed to talk right now? What's up, baby? Who's drinking on a fucking Wednesday? Have you talked to anybody about this issue you got going on?

You know what? It's only drinking because of you, dude. You're an enabler. Yeah, I was like, yeah, we should get beers before this podcast. And then he bought me one beer and I was like, I'm going to make some Russian roulette. What are you drinking? A white Russian. Right, white Russian.

There we go. Yeah, yeah. That's not an alcoholic's drink. Come on. Just tricking a white rush out on a Wednesday. Oh, we're also here with Jake Timothy, by the way. What's up? I'm not drinking.

Yeah. Because he's a fucking pussy. Um, no. I, uh, that didn't even sound like I meant. Like, that sounded like somebody trying to fit in with the other guys who called somebody a pussy. And I feel like Jake got out of the last people to call somebody a pussy, especially in that tone of voice. Well, Jake could just be, come on, man. And then immediately, whatever you're doing, it just, you're like, he's, you're like a good voice of reason.

I guess. Yeah. That's why when I like say something, like a mean joke, like I'm roasting you, people take it seriously more for me than other people. Yeah, because you sound very serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the time you called me Spotting Gray, it was actually a compliment, but because it was so out of left field, I was like, he must be insulting.

He must be, you like, you like DM'd me later. You're like, was that? What is it? Was it like a slight? Did you mean? Yeah, because I love Spotting, gray. He's like, a fucking, like, you know who we're like? reminds you of Spalding Gray.

Elliot Thompson reminds me of Spalding Gray. Who's Sparding Gray? Spalding Gray. Spalding Gray is like a... The original one-man show. He's really famous for doing one-man shows. Oh, okay. And Joey went up at a mic I was hosting and was like, I'm working on this new story.

You did the story. And when he got off, I was like, give it up for Spalding Gray. Oh, yeah. And like, to me, that's a compliment. But you and like Sam Hattis got... Those last were like, ha-ha. Yeah. Because, in a sense, Spalding Gray is like all I'm ever trying to be, but funnier.

But the way he said it made it seem like he saw right through me and was insulting me. He's like, this fucking hack over here. I don't even know if Sparney Gray's. A lot of times when I'll tell someone, like, I'll like roast someone as a joke. And they have that critique. It's like, oh, you like saw it through me. I'm like, I don't even think about you. Yeah, maybe plug that in a little more.

Maybe you just have such a keen eye That like your like their fault is seeing through people without realizing it I think it's more so it's just the way I'm saying it Yeah It's what you're saying it's just I'm so matter of fact that it Yeah well even when I got on your your voice of reason you're like yeah I guess somebody who is a voice of reason What's that I guess nobody would be like fuck yeah I'm a voice of reason you fucking pussy I don't tell you what to do

That reminds me there was this lady who was trying to book me for like some You know like when like You don't have to make up stories in this podcast. You can be... This lady was trying to book me for some weird variety show thing. She wasn't a comedian. She was booked variety shows so comedians would be on it.

Dude, the amount of times... I will say this. The amount of times I've been booked on something. There's always stuff like that where they haven't seen my comedy, but they're like, you do... They're normally the best shows. Yeah, yeah. They're like, I guess we'll have comedians do it.

And you're like, oh, fuck yeah. And then you'll do that. But yeah, yeah, sorry what we were saying. Oh, what I was trying to make is that this lady, like, every time she calls. And she would call me like three times a day for like a week. It was really stressful. Every time she would call me, she was like, you know me?

I'm just so busy. I'm always doing all this stuff. I'm like, I work fucking 14 hour days. I'm so busy. You're just calling me all day. I know, I know. And she would say stuff like, there's a problem at work and I'm the voice of reason. I'm like, no, the voice of reason does not proclaim herself.

Yeah. Or complain about being the voice of reason. Yeah. I hated this lady. Yeah, she sounds obnoxious. I've been having a great day, dude. I, this is week two of being fired and I've rejected like three jobs already. I'm like, no, thank you.

I'm going to sit on my ass and do comedy at night. And it's been fucking awesome. Like today is me, my girlfriend's anniversary. We went, because we can't go out to dinner because I have shows tonight. I was like, oh, let's go for like, uh, what do you call it, Mexican food. And I, I just drank in the middle of the day. I know you're not supposed to do that according to society, but it's awesome. You're celebrating love.

Thank you. You're allowed to drink for love. Thank you for putting a label. on it. Because really I was like, I don't have a job, so now's the time to drink her the day. No, you're not an alcoholic if you have a justified reason for drinking. Yeah, it's true. Like, I'm on a podcast. A justified reason for

drinking isn't I got fired. I got fired two weeks ago. I don't want to get a new job. Dude, it just, like, the idea, like, there's something also about like, like, my wife's a bitch. Yeah. I hate my daughter. Dude, I had an Uber like that. I hop in the Uber, and

immediately the guy, I swear to God. First thing, he goes, he goes, my wife's a fucking cunt. and it just starts driving me and I just see him like swerving and shit I'm like damn this guy is cool as shit I love that that guy is a role model for everybody

oh yeah yeah but one thing I saw like it was interesting because like there's something I love it's weird I don't know I because now that I do more stand up in night my night I work at night

and I hang out you know what I mean it's like your your schedule is reversed so like I don't go out for drinks much anymore on weekends because I'm doing shows especially all these midnight shows I do I'm like, I can't drink before a midnight show.

So it's like I have a reverse schedule. But there is something that feels special about drinking when other people aren't drink. Like, I don't know. I like the feeling of being drunk when other people are sober. I kind of get what you mean because I do all my writing from like 1 a.m. to 6 a.m. I love that because I'm like, I'm being productive and creative when all these fucking losers are sleeping. Yeah, yeah, there's a feeling of.

I love being awake whenever's asleep. Yeah, it's like. Yeah, it's that thing. But it's productive awake, not just like watching TV, but like. Yeah, no, yeah. Being awake and like, I. I'll just, like, sit in my room and write. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No, that's a good, um, you write straight jokes? Street jokes. Oh, they said straight jokes. What's a street joke? Like a joke I would never tell on stage, but anyone could tell it in conversation. It's like, it's like, it's like, Bob.

So you're working on your personality, it sounds like. No, I just, I just give them to people. I like, it's nice. Like, I like going through my notes, I have stand-up jokes. They have, like, sketch ideas, and then I just have, like, pages of jokes. I'm like, hey, here's a joke. Can you have an example of one of those street jokes? Well, like,

Like a street joke in general, I'm hopping here. It's like, okay, so you're like, so there's a black guy, a Puerto Rican, and a parrot that walk into a, you know, something like that. Yeah, you know, I know what street joke is, but I'm just curious. Like, all my street jokes that I know have been passed down for generations. Are you, why do I feel like Jake Timothy is like writing street jokes and really infiltrating them into society? He's going into like neighborhoods and like telling kids like, yo, here's a street joke. Well, that's probably how it started the first street jokes. Yeah.

Well, some street jokes are like, like, Vegas acts would do comedy, and then people would take you back home and, like, tell people, like, that joke that, like, a Vegas person would do or, like, Vonville. Like, people would take those jokes and then tell it and now become, like, a street joke. Like, there's weird street jokes that I've found out are, like, 80s comedians. Like, I've found out they're, like, way older jokes than... Yeah. Well, so I want to hear one of your original Autur Street Jokes.

All right. There's one I can... I don't... There's some that just have, like, slurs on them. You wrote? you're a bad bad man. No, you know, I just don't want to... You're like, well, what it is a street joke,

it has to be written by a man in the 1940. You take on that perspective of some guy. Jake him at these street jokes are responsible for the Asian hate movement. The Asian hate movement, not the... You're responsible for it. I like to say like it's a movement. I feel like it was a movement, right?

No. Stop Asian hate is a movement. Yeah, nobody... No, no, no, but the movement started. The Asian hatred movement. There was an Asian hate movement that led to the anti-Asian hate movement. I think there's just general racism. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think anybody's like, let's get together and the Asians are our next assignment.

It's so funny how, like, innately racism is in human beings, though. Because I remember my little sister, she was like, when she was a newborn baby, she didn't really see any black people, you know what I mean? Because, like, she was in our house with all her white family. I remember, like, when she was, like, two years old, a family in front of her, of ours whose black came over. And this must have been one of the first black people she's ever seen in her life because she's like two years old.

And this black person comes in and she just looks at him and starts crying and hiding behind me and my parents as if like he was like some bad person. And I think we've all felt that way. And it's like it's so funny because like she wasn't like being racist because she's like black people. No, it's something new. So it's like. It's like something new.

Like a human that's black just freaked out my little sister. Yeah. And I think if you were, I guarantee you if like when she was a baby, she got exposed more, but like it wouldn't happen. Like, it wouldn't happen. Exactly. But she went on to date black people, so she's not racist, folks.

But it's also like, she may be have a black fetish though. It is one of those things is like when I went to like, yeah, it's definitely racist. I'm not racist. I fetishize black people. Yeah, yeah. It's my sister.

I can't take responsibility for her actions. I take responsibility for all races. Did you not see what all the celebrities did that black and white video? No. I take responsibility. No, it's like all these actors. What is fucking being a celebrity anymore?

It's taking responsibility. It was that one. And remember the Imagine one? Oh, yeah. What are you doing? Every one of those videos is all people that suck and there's one person you like and you're like, and you're like, fuck, I got to stop liking this person because they did some stupid shit. Yeah, that's why I'm not a fan of the guy who played Ryan and Weasley anymore.

Why would happen? I wanted to pick the most random celebrity. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Street Jokes. Rupert. I want to get back to the, I will get back to the, I want to talk about that thing. It is interesting. Like, it's like, yeah, I get what you're saying that like if you're comfortable around, like, the, like dogs that grew up around black people will bark at white people when they have like, like, because they're not like, they're just not used to something different.

What's that based on science? Since Bill Knight of the side. You're like, I bet. How many dogs do you know? There's a Bill Knight of the science guy episode where he just took. Really? Yeah, yeah. He took a dog with an.

Bill, no. No. Because someone was like suing to have his dog put down. He's like, no, no, it's actually not. It's just how dogs are. But yeah, I don't know. I get what you're saying. Like, innately, people are not.

Well, there's a thing they do these experiments where, like, babies will choose their own race or something. There's something with baby dolls. I don't know. I probably don't know the experiment. Back to street jokes. Yeah, what's your street joke? Lay it on me, sister.

I don't know. I don't know if there's any I want to be, like, attacked. Are you just writing hateful jokes? No, no, no. Are you just the race? Well, it is funny because they're not. They're not. There's only one that's a race one.

He stays up late hours of the night to get all of his racial hate out. I like the thing that you're just spreading this in like Irish neighborhoods and Boston. If you're just going around, you're like, hey, what do you call a bunch of Puerto Ricans that go to the beach? I've never laughed harder than the first time, like, an older person was just like, hey, you want to hear like a really racist joke told him this weird hacky style. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like two whatever's walk into a bar and this and this happens. Yeah, yeah. Because that's when that guy heard it the first time, like nothing made him laugh.

Oh, yeah. That was the happiest moment of his life. He's been telling this joke for like 40 years. Yeah, he's like, dude, this is like, yeah. And everybody, that's so funny because, like, that guy, I bet you was told a bunch of other people that joke is his first thing. And people are like, this guy is hilarious just because he told one racist joke. Yeah. You know, one of the hardest I've ever laughed is you ever heard this joke?

It's someone told this to me like when I was in elementary school. You ever heard that it's at a start. why did Helen Keller's dog run away? Wouldn't you run away too if your name was Blah, blah, yeah. I remember the first, like, joke that I heard as a kid. That's pretty funny. I remember the first joke.

I remember the first joke I heard as a kid that I was like, oh, that's racist. It was, uh, it was like an American, an Italian guy and a Puerto Rican guy all go to a big mountain. And they're like, we're going to throw out something that our home has too much of. So, like, the Italian throws out, Tali and food pasta, the Puerto Rican throws out,

I don't know, whatever Puerto Ricans have too much of. And the American throws off the Puerto Rican guy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, it's also funny because, like, as a kid,

I'd hear those jokes, and I would never be like, yeah, we do have too many Puerto Ricans. You know, you're like, oh, it's funny because they missed erection and this and that. Yeah. No, no, as a kid, I was like,

he's right. He's like, he's like, he's like, why are we laughing? This is something we got to get to the bottom to. We have issues we need to solve. They infiltrated our government country. I'm pissed. Yeah, I don't even...

I can't name who's Puerto Rican who's not. Besides a boss I had. My sister lost Puerto Rican. I don't know which celebrities are Puerto Rican. The guy who made Hamilton, I know, is Puerto Rican. He makes a little big fuss about it. I'm just kidding. I love people, dude.

I was on Instagram the other day, and somebody's like, pit bull spitting facts about the vaccine. And I'm like, I think I sent you in. This pit bull, he's like, yo, I came from fucking Cuba. And we don't like being told what to do. So the vaccine is not cool. That is my mom's favorite celebrity. Pit bull?

It weirds me out. Like, we're in the car. My white-ass mom. Tell her to move. That's our new governor. She loves him. I love him too. I love pit bull and Florida.

But your love doesn't concern me. My mom's love is concerning. I'm like, I don't like the way you talk about it. Oh, you're going to leave dad for people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's a cool guy. Yeah, I'm running away from home to go on pit bulls tour.

Well, who wouldn't? My favorite, he did this shit. There's a guy in Florida who's like a, he's like a weird lawyer. He was like a Dan Noonlin, attorney Dan Newland. He's just like, his pictures of him in a suit. He's like, I'm attorney Dan Newland. I can help you out with this legal issue. And then he throws all these concerts that are like free concerts that are like Pitbull

and stuff like that. And there's a picture of him at one of the concerts, gold chain joggers and then like Air Jordans for shoes. And you're like, what is going? on with this. Like literally like a middle age man who like these commercials, he's all serious and then he just go through these fucking sick concerts. Wait a second. Wait a second.

I bet my dad knows this guy. Oh, probably. So my dad all the time gets offered like these great tickets like MSG. Where I'm talking about like front row to see Fleetwood Mac, front row to see the Eagles and all this shit. And my dad just never goes and it pisses me off.

And then one day he finally takes me, my brothers to MSG to see a, uh, a game and I'm talking to the guy who always invites to my dad and he's like, I can't believe your dad never comes. I can't believe your dad never comes. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know why either. And then he starts talking to me and he's like,

you want us something cool? I'm friends with R. Kelly. I'm friends with Chance the Rapp. I'm friends with, I'm like, I'm friends with J. Z. He hits all these rappers but he keeps on sprinkling, but I also know Ralee. Yeah. And it's all this shit. It's all this crazy shit. And then he goes, what's your favorite bed? I'm like, oh, I like the great photo. He goes, well, I got funny story. Bob, we're from the

Grateful Dead. I was in Hawaii once with my lame family. I'm in this hot tub with Bob Weir and these two hot models. And these two hot models want to hang out with me and Bob Weir and I couldn't hang out with them because I had to go back to my wife and kids. Can you believe that? And I was like, wait, are you cheating? Are you cheating on your wife?

What's going on? And then I finally talked to my dad after the game. I'm like, I think there's regret either way with that guy. Because if he banged a chick with Bob Weir, he, his life would be in shambles. But his whole time he's like, I feel like people that cheat or don't she.

No matter what, there's always a part of your brain that's like, what if? Yeah, I bet you that guy is probably like, eh, you know,

he's like, you know, like either way he'd regret it. But anyways, on the car ride back, it's just me and my dad now, my brothers. And I'm like,

that, I think I know why you don't go to those MSG tickets to get offered. He goes, yeah, that guy's a creep. Yeah. And I'm like,

yeah, he is. And he's like, that guy defends on Kelly. Yeah, yeah. And this is like right when the documentary came out.

He goes, you can't believe what you see on TV you can't believe the nonsense they lying on me that lawyer that's because of lawyers I bet that lawyer definitely knows

that lawyer you're talking about Dan Neil yeah Dan Nealin parties I know nothing about it but Dan Newland's the fucking man I mean he had like a thick gold chain and he's like fucking 50 years old There's a guy He looks like like he would have a jewel in his

You know that like look like it's like I don't know when When did it become acceptable For white people to wear chains That's been like last year. It's been a white dudes wear chains now. It's never been. Also, I will say this.

In New York City, everybody tries to be black. I don't know when it started, but there's like Asian guys. I think they're black. There's way more of that than there is where I'm from. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't like... Really? I know people from Florida who try to be black.

Who? Name them. If raff. He's from Texas, but... My friend Michael, all of his friends from Tampa. He's the spirit of Florida. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I agree completely. yeah. But that's also like, it's weird because I'm weirdly like, people like riffraff or like somebody that goes all the way. I'm kind of like down for like stitches. I'm like, I like that. He's got an AR 15 tattooed on his face. That's fun. Go for it. But though, I don't like the in-between guy. I don't know why there's something that really bugs me about white people that kind of act black, but like not all. I don't know what it is. Well, that's not even like that's kind of rude for me to be like, yeah. Riffraff is clearly black. No, no, no, he's not. He's just a maniac. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You are. You a. You are. bothers me when I'm talking about rap music, basketball shoes, or just basketball in general, I hear this way I talk, and I can't, like, turn it off. It's like, like, I don't want to say I start talking like a black person, but it's definitely not how I talk. So you talk like a white person trying to be a black,

because there's such a difference, you know what I mean, between how black people talk. Code switching white people is different. But it doesn't matter who I could be with my dad, or I could be with Michael Jordan. It's just like when I start talking about rap, rap music, basketball, or basketball shoes. I start being like, oh shit, that's flyer. Like, that crossover

was tight, bro. Like, it's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on? Why is this happening? But, like, I love basketball. I think about basketball every day. But, like, the part of my brain that thinks about basketball is, like... That's not... It doesn't sound like Cozsche, and it just sounds like you sound like a Jewish kid that loves basketball. I love... I love...

I know you're not Jewish, but I do. I do love basketball. Yeah, that makes sense, too. I think about basketball more than I think about comedy, or, like, sex. I think basketball is the number one thing I think about. My brain is... Superheroes, UFOs. I might be retarded.

Superheroes, UFOs, not even kidding. Superheroes, UFOs, comedy, and sex. And then my girlfriend's included in sex, by the way. I'm not. For me, I think it's basketball. Like, real, like, classic rock music, comedy, sex. And then, like, I have this, like, terrible thing where I'm like, like this.

And a lump on my testicles. I can't figure out what's going on. that's like a good 40% of my thoughts. Yeah, I'm like, what is that? It's fucking... Dude, I thought the epidemist. You know the epitemis? The whole thing that holds your testicle up?

It's like... What? So you have a cord that holds your testicle up and there's something that... The cord attaches to your ball. Like a little claw. There's a bump on the top of your ball. Wait, wait, what?

Yeah, it's... Let me feel it. So, so my hands in my pants, where am I feeling? There's... In between my dick on the ball? In between what holds your ball up to the... Left or right side.

I don't know. This is going to be a clip, by the way. I'm feeling balls. It's the epidemis. There's a thing, there's a bump on top because the cord that holds it up. What if this is when Joey found out

he had two balls? I feel a ball. I feel another one. I feel two balls. I don't feel a bump though. With the bump. Maybe I have cancer. I don't know.

But for like four years, I thought I had cancer. And in my mind, I was like, it'll go away if I just don't. And then finally, like, because for some reason, health class did never show that angle of it from what I saw.

And so I didn't know that there was like a lump on top of the ball that just is there. A lump on top of the ball? Now I'm confused. Hold the microphone closer. You fucking idiot. A bump on top of the...

One of your balls, the very top has... How do you think... Do you think it's just bouncing around in the bag? There's something that holds it in place. I think I know. I think I feel it.

Yeah, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. So you, what? Yours is just like, prominent? He fucking jokes. just touched me with your ball hand. No, I just didn't know what it was when I was a kid,

so I just assumed that I had testicular cancer for like four years. And I kind of just put it in the back, just kind of like told my family, like, you just want you guys, I love you guys a lot. And then just kind of like putting in my deuce here and there. But never saw it, never asked a doctor about it. You, it's funny. Every time I have sex, it feels like I orgasm like normally.

But whenever I jerk off, there's sometimes pain. And I never. I would check that out. And I never put the two to together. I just got an SD check. It was negative. And then I told this to... You're drinking off a sandpaper.

And then I told this to the doctor. And the doctor was like, oh, you're just jerking off really hard problem. Oh, yeah. I was like, oh, that... Why did I think of that? Like, sex feels good, jerking off hurts. It must be an STD. Oh, yeah, yeah.

How... Yeah, it must be an STD. It was like three years ago. So how hard would you jerk off? Show us. How quickly would it take you to jerk off? you know jerking off it varies sometimes it happens instantly sometimes it happens like in 10 minutes it depends on the day would you go over 10 minutes is like really hard yeah yeah yeah well the longer I go the harder I go because I'm like fuck I get you're a voice tone just sounds sexual when you're asking you're

tell tell me about how you jerked up who is it but it was just funny that like I was more likely to blame way too hard I think it's funny that like I was more quick to blame an SDD over just my self. Well, the worst is if you take Adderall because your dick barely gets hard, but you have the aggression of somebody who's like on methamphetamine. So you're just like, blah, blah. And you're basically like, you're uncircised because you're

jerking off your dick skin that's lucre because you're uncircised. No, I am, no, I'm circumcised. I am circumcised. Yeah, yeah. I want to let you do the podcast. It took me a second of the thing about it. That's always funny when people compare meth to Adderall. I'm like, okay, yes, chemically, but no. It's like, if you ever seen somebody on crystal meth, it's

way fucking different. It's like, smoking street meth that was made in a bathtub out of a glass pipe is way different than taking a pill of like 10 milligrams of anphetamine salts. I don't think meth would have changed my GPA from like a 2.5 to a 3.8. Yeah, yeah. But Adderall did. Yeah, I don't claw it my skin when I'm on Adderall. It's a giant. It's like chemically, yeah, I get it. So I think it also like... I'm on Adderall right now. Yeah, you took it this morning? Yeah, yeah.

I took some yesterday. So I was shopping for my girlfriend's anniversary. I took Adderall in the morning because I had a bunch of stuff to get done. And I was just playing the most hood wrap and I'm in home goods like shopping. Just like on so much, just on Adderall. Just like talking to the woman. I'm like, hey, do you know where I could get some pumpkin kitchen towels? And then it's like what?

Wait, wait. Are you talking about the favorite towels that have the pumpkins on them? Yeah, she wanted some like holiday stuff. So I'm just like... Yeah, the headphones are in. So I took him out to, like, yell. And I'm like, hey, you know where I could get this? If you left him in, it's like the most, just like autistic gamer trying to buy something for his mom.

Oh, yeah. It's like, like, like, a beat son. That reminds me. I was in a coffee shop today on my laptop doing work, you know, like what you're supposed to do a coffee shop. And my headphones blasting. And the coffee shop guy goes, we made a new rule starting yesterday that we don't allow screens in the coffee shop. And with my music blasts him. That's your dumb and shit.

And music blessing, I go, you don't want screens in the coffee shop? And he goes, yeah, we don't do laptops. I'm like, are you aware you're going to lose mine in a lot of people's business? No, you're yelling. And then I took my headphones off because I see everyone looking at me. I'm like, oh, I was yelling, wasn't I? Yeah. And he was like, you think we're going to lose business?

I'm like, yeah, definitely. That's why I go to coffee. Why do you go to coffee shops? Just to get coffee. You never? I know, I use it as a place to sit down right. Because if I write in my apartment, I'll jerk off. Yeah, yeah.

I have to, but I'm in a coffee shop. What if you're just writing out your emails but in pen? You're like, I'm going to send these later. I just want to draft him here. You're like, two mic, and then you just like write it all out. Dude, I don't know how this place is going to stay open. They just opened three weeks ago. What is stupid theme for a coffee shop?

Oh, my God. It's such a... I'm sure it'll work for him, though. People think it's like a hip thing. Oh, yeah. No. You can go to a place and say... No, this is a third coffee shop.

They could be like, it's a coffee shop where he fuck you. in the ass and you drink your coffee and people are like that's so neat that's not no this is the third coffee shop there's nothing like that in kansas since i moved here there's the third coffee shop that opens up next to my carbox they just have a machine fuck you in yeah is that what that girl and the mascot's doing that uh that's a woman the girl in the starbucks woman it's a mermaid yeah yeah is she fucking guys in the ass now uh no no she's a mermaid yeah oh because that's uh i've always what you fuck a mermaid is it under their scales i always used to think like, yeah, like, the mermaid isn't sexual because they have no, like, janitalia.

But then, did you see the lighthouse? No. Do you see the lighthouse? No. Don't ruin. Do somebody fuck a mermaid? What? Somebody fuck a mermaid?

Yeah. Oh, well, don't, okay, go. What happened? I don't go any further. I didn't want to see the movie, but now I have to see it. All right. Should we end the pot and just turn this on? I'm pretty down.

Can we just fast forward to the sexual? It's a good movie, but like, all right, there's mermaids definitely have. Pusies? Yeah. It's crazy. If you would think, go, regular woman's vagina smells bad. Try that one.

It has so much fish in there. That reminds me of Twilight. Because I remember, like, in Twilight, like the main character says stuff about vampires, too. Like, the vampires being like, I thought vampires do this, that, and this. And, like, her vampire boyfriend's, like, that's, like, fucking, like, fairy tale comic book,

like, myth lord bullshit. This, I'm a real vampire. And in the moment, I'm like, oh, yeah, duh. That's all fake. This is real. And I'm like, wait. This is also fucking fake. Yeah, this is also fake.

What the fuck is going on? And like, that's the same thing with that mermaid thing. Like, also like, what's his name? The werewolf guy. So if he circumcised as a person when he becomes a werewolf, is it like a werewolf penis circumcised? Probably. Okay. Yeah, I know you want to being a werewolf, you sick bastard.

Maybe. What? I don't know. Like, if he was circumcised as a human being, when he turns into a werewolf, is the Werewolf dick circumcised? This is the worst bit I've ever created. Yeah. Yo, yo, I don't know.

why, but I feel like I tell the story because you remember we're talking about dogs like 10 minutes ago? Yeah, did you have sex to the dog? No, no, no. But I had a very weird experience. We'll edit it out, man. I had a weird experience of the dog recently that I thought, I think it would be good for this podcast.

Let's maybe hear it or maybe cut it out. I had one of those weird moments at a bar where I was like talking these two girls who are roommates and they invited me over, but I couldn't tell which one wanted to bang me. I was like, somebody wants the bang me, but like, I don't know which one. And they were both like so friendly. yeah come to our apartment got in the covers with us like like let's call cuddle and watch a movie I'm oh yeah that's great blah blah blah and then we get there and they don't tell me they have a brand

new like like pit bull dog that like is like rescued and this pit bull like is not like trained every story you tell I could find like a multi-cam sitcom episode that's just that story so so I'm talking to these two girls twins you got a whole they're not twins they're roommates dude I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I can talk. I can talk. It's fine. So anyways, these two girls, I'm literally on a couch like this, sitting in the middle, sitting in the middle with both of them like next to me, blankets over me. I'm just like holding both. I'm like, I'm the man. And these dogs are like,

grr, and I'm like, oh, this dog hates me. He wants to fucking murder me right now. Yeah. And these girls are like, hey, Joey, I'm so sorry. One second. And he's not slapping the shit out of the dog. Be like, no, he's our friend. He's our friend. no. And I'm like, I don't know what's worse. Like this dog growling at me. Like these, these bitches like abusing the shit out of him. But I said, the second one is worse. Yeah. So the second one's worse. So I'm just watching them abuse them. And I'm like, I should leave. Like you guys, this seems traumatic. And they go, no, no, no, we want you to stay. I'm like, oh, I guess I'm going to have sex now.

And long story short, I don't have sex for a long time. One of them has to fall asleep. It's one of those things, one of them at the fall asleep for me to be like, oh, I guess she's sleeping. I guess you're the one of them, yeah. And then that's the girl who, dog. the sleep, that's the girl who's room the dog sleeps in. So now I'm hooking with this girl on her bed while the dog She can only come if she's beating her dog.

Literally, literally Beaming the punch. The dog is in the cage, Michael And I'm like hooking up with her Like doing my thing. And this dog is just, because he hates me Because like it's his owner.

So this dog who's like a brand new pit bull Who just got rescued. You probably thinks you're attacking her Because she's like screaming. Exactly. He's like hitting his head trying to break through the cage be like,

wah, rah, rah, and I'm just, like, trying to have an intimate moment.

Oh, God. And then after we bang, she went and, like, beat her dog again. I was like, no barking during sex. And I just told, I wanted,

so we were talking about dogs, like, down, 10 or 20 minutes ago. I had to bring this up because I'm like, I need to hear your opinion on all that.

That's a lot to unravel. It depends on harsh being a dog, because, like, you could hit a dog on the face and I think it's okay. She was, it wasn't the harshest

I've seen a dog, but I've seen some dog pretty bad. This wasn't the worst. On videos, of course. It depends about, like, it's so weird with dogs, because, like, obviously, like, you shouldn't, like, abuse your dog at the point. But it's, like, people do hit their dog to, like, engage. Not, like, hit, but, like, you hit them on the nose if they bite you.

That's, like, typical. Jake's looking to me like, I'm a criminal. Do you... But don't you think it's a way that they invited me over their apartment when they knew the situation at their home is not a friendly situation? It was the most hostile home I've ever been in my life. It was just, like, they were at war with this dog. the whole time I was there.

Yeah, it sounds brutal. Well, that's probably like one of those people try to, like, train pit bulls, and they're like, some of them just are bad. Do you only just use me as an example? That's not like how you train a dog. If you're making a dog more aggressive by hitting it. Oh. Well, okay, in what situation?

So if dog bites you, you're supposed to, what are you supposed to do? If it's your dog, if you're the, on the master or whatever. He's like, don't feed it for four weeks, put it in the basement. You don't hit it. You reprimand it. But which way? at it. A dog is like if you're their owner, they are very...

What I mean, yeah, I don't mean, you're a dog guy? You have a dog? Yeah. You have a dog? I had one. Wait, I don't mean, like, close... Like, you don't... I mean, I don't know anything. Maybe I'm doing this wrong way. I mean, I never hit my dog, but, like, I thought that, like... You have a dog? No, no. I thought if a dog, like, bites you, you're supposed to, like, hit it on the nose. You're not supposed to do it? I don't think so.

Huh. I think you're supposed... Like, if it's your dog, you're supposed to, like, be angry at it and go, like, you can't... No, don't eat whatever. And then that don't be rewarded with a treat. But my thing is... I just grown up around a lot of people beating dogs. Not like punching or like kicking, but like a... Yeah, that's what they were doing. They're like hitting the nose.

Yeah, or like it's like butt. If it's like doing something, you hit its butt. But not like punching the dog or kicking the dog. But I guess my question is, what was their plan when they invited to meet over? Like, it just like, I'm just still, that's what the part I'm trying to understand. Like... Yeah, I don't know. Like, like, their home is not a good place because this is like a rescued pitball that

like, they just rescued like a few weeks ago. and this guy has damage you can tell like he was from abusive home or some shit so like this dog is just a crazy animal and like we're trying to cuddle and have like Netflix and chill session

it's just weird if a dog is a rescue you should tell everyone that's coming into your house I had a friend whose dog was a rescue and she was like it took her like three years

to warm up to me but she's like she was super skittish and just weird around everyone and like the first time I went into his house he was like, oh yeah, don't even try to pet the dog. She's got to, like, bite your hand.

But there's also, like, a reverse side of that. Like, I knew some guy who, like, they were like, we don't train our dogs because we think it's animal cruelty. And the dog would just mall everybody and, like, bite this shit out of you. And you're like, it was like... You shouldn't have a pet if you're not going to train it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I think there is, like, a middle between...

Because I don't think maybe you're supposed to hit the dog. But there's weird... You know what I mean? It's like... But if you're not training it. Yeah. Because it's animal cruelty. By that logic, like, ownership of the pet is cruel.

I brought this up to make fun of these girls. I like that it became like a thing of like like moral with dog training. Yeah. I was just coming here. These girls were crazy. Yeah. You guys actually care about dogs. I never had a pet.

I don't have a fuck. I'm not like we yeah. I was like, can we bang? Like why are we giving snowball this dog tree where it was legal? I would eat dog if it was like. Oh, if I went to China and somebody was like this is the best dog we've ever cooked? I'm like, yeah, let's do it. we've ever cucked? We've fucked right in front of this dog.

I don't speak well. I do not. If anyone's listening to this podcast, anything you're hearing, I'm saying something else. I'm just mispronunciation. You have a hit that jewel? Okay. Well, you have a crazy day. You jewel it. You're drinking. I'm drugging it up, brother. I would probably not eat a dog if I was in China, but I have no problem with it. But it's so... It is such a dumb moral code because I'm like, okay, they are, like, it is the... Like, pigs are way smarter than dogs. So it's like you're

eating things that are... Like, if it was mistreated, like, that's more... of what. It's less the fact you're eating it. But I know in a lot of these countries, because everybody's like, oh, it's racist to say they eat, like, weird stuff over there. They do it weird stuff, but they also have a giant population. It's like, we have that many people. You can't just eat cows all. You know what I mean? You have to mix it up and throw cow.

If your culture figured out how to cook and eat an animal that I don't eat. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I don't, yeah, do whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. I haven't so badly. You fucking steam lobsters alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some people would be like, that's reprehensible.

I think that's pretty fucked up. I mean, I've eaten lobster, but I never thought. I mean, is that how all of them are cooked? Most of the time. And they can feel it too. They can feel being boiled. They have a nervous system. That's weird.

See, I also like eating animals is, it is something that I do think is cruel, but I don't, some things you don't know the way around it. You know what I mean? You're like, I don't, because also like, it's like, it's like also animals are killed in vegetable farming. You know what I mean? Like, there are still animals killed in that. Yeah.

And I know soy. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's animals killed in vegetable farming? Yeah. So like... Explain. The amount of like rats that are killed just by having those like fucking,

what's it called? Like the amount of pesticides kill all the animals that are going into like... So if you get like vegan vegetables, it's like I guarantee those pesticides they made to kill those are killing tons of animals

that are trying to get the food. So it's like in any way, you're still getting... Is vegan not anti-pesticide? I don't... Not necessarily. No, I want to be a vegan

because apparently like meat is just not good for humans. Yeah. And also, if you're vegan, apparently girls in Brooklyn will fuck you. So, kind of... Yeah, yeah. I'm still banging those vegan broads regardless. So I don't need help with that. They're actually...

I think the vegan... I don't know if you said this. This will get me canceled. I think the vegan girls are more easy than, like, actual girls. Actual girls. They're not humans because they don't even mean. Because, like, vegan girls have a chip on this show. They have this chip on the show to be like,

people think like we're prudes and stuff because like we're vegan and woke. So we're going to prove to you that we're not vegan and woke and that like we are. And like, because every time I'm hooked up with somebody that would, like a normal dude would classify as like slutty, in the bedroom, they're very like normal down-to-earth people. But all these like really woke vegan girls that like,

that won't like, you're not allowed to say like anything remotely fucked up in front of them. The second you're in the bedroom with them or like, yeah, spank me, call me a dumb whore. They grate the shit out of me. I'm always like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

what are we doing here? I just thought we were going to have a nice like Netflix and chill session. I love if this thought process goes through your head in like a millisecond if a girl's like, I'm a vegan, you're like,

yeah, you're dumb whore. She's like, what? No, I'm a, I'm a New Yorker and there's so many different types of people in New York.

And I've dated like every type of person out there. And I have a lot of research, okay? And in this research, the wildest people, people behind closed doors are the woke as veganist people you'll ever meet. Interesting. And then like the people that

sound like dumb Trump supporters behind closed doors are like good morally like weird fine people. It's all back. I hate that we fucking conflate every. It's everything is like a political thing now. You can be vegan and just be like a bigot still. Oh, 100% like people eating animals. And there

are vegan bigots that are like like I know like some hateful vegan people who are like, we got to kill all people who are don't want to save the world. I'm like, well, that's not the answer. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's no, it's, I'm 100% writing in Buster Rhymes for the next election. I'm gonna videotapeer.

I'm such a piece, because I don't give a fuck. I'm so, I thought you, like, I thought you loved Buster Runglegg. No, no. He's actually our next leader. I can't wait to put Chet Hanks as vice president. Just watch people. They're like, it's so important. And what you're doing? Fuck every. I, I'm done. Because like, I literally like, I had like, political

views. I'm like, I lean left with a lot of things. I lean right with a lot of things. And the end of day, I'm like, I'm done caring because of how much you're trying to make me care. Like, it's like the one thing why somebody I know brought up, it's actually great point. It's like, what happened is so many people left the Democratic and Republic parties that the only people that are left in the parties are the crazy ones. Because most people, they don't fall 100% aligned with these views or 100% align with these views. So then they leave that. And then the people that are left are only the crazy people. So it's like each party is getting more polarized and crazier because everybody that's like level-headed. Like Andrew Yang just left the Democratic Party.

And I would say he's like, maybe you don't agree with him. But I think he's like a level-headed guy. I don't think he's like extreme in any way. I agree with the 100%. I'm going to misquote this famous quote. But there's like a famous quote that's like anyone smart enough to be a president is too smart to want to be president, you know? Yeah. That's a good point.

Yeah. They're like anyone that wants to run a country is insane. Yeah. It's a crazy thing. It's such a retarded. way to phrase that though. I'm like, I'm smart enough to be a president. Yeah.

No, no. I guess you're saying. All the people smart enough to be, that that would be, like, all the people smart enough and capable enough to be a really good president are aware enough to be like, oh, this is a shit job. This is, this is a bad, like, you know what I mean? Yeah, it is also psychopath. It is just, it's crazy to be like, I'm going to control.

Anyone who's the president is a sociopath. Yeah. You have to be. That's very true. Yeah, you kind of do. Yeah. yeah. Yeah, it's a job design for not good people because of all the compromises you have to make

and like all the things you have to let slide like anything from gas shit to fucking global warming. Like, there's so much shit that you have to let, let happen in order to be president. Yeah, yeah, no, that's true.

And I think also like, yeah, that's the thing you is like, I don't give it like I have so many Republican friends, so many Democrat friends. And really at the end of the day, it's like, are you fun to hang out with your night?

You know what I mean? It's like, I don't care if you wear clanhood, as long as you're a good pal to you deal with. Who cares? It's what I'm saying. The clan isn't political. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is so funny? Because you know, the Nazi party are like, they're socialist. Like, they are, like, even in America, like, they're not Republicans. Like, they're literally,

like, they're, like, anti-factory farming. They're, like, all these things that, like, would literally align with the Democratic Party. And they're vegans, too, probably. I don't know if they're vegans, but it is, like, very, I know, I know, Hila was a vegetarian or something like that. Yeah, yeah.

He was vegan? Yeah. Interesting. But also, I don't, I don't think... It means he's a freak in the bed. Maybe. Oh, yeah. I'm crazy.

Get up my hair. Pour my hair. Pour my nipples. Suck on these tities. I... Also, I don't think being friends with you makes you a piece... Because, like, in theory, if you're friends with more shitty people, I think you could influence their life way more positively.

I'm not saying either little corpard shitty, but it's like, lots of people like saying, oh, you're friends of that person. It's like, what is that? I'm not approving all of their behavior. also also I hate this I hate when somebody hears your friend with somebody and be like oh Michael if you're friends

with that guy I don't know how I feel about you I'm like no no no why can't be the opposite why can't be like oh Michael you're friends with that guy maybe I got to give that guy a second chance because you're such a good guy that I want to like see him through your perspective you know what I mean yeah everybody just assumes that you would like

it's like some people have I don't know that makes sense to you know what I'm saying what did you just say you just missed that Let's say like somebody's like open out like I don't know like an openly Trump supported asshole. Okay. And then somebody hears Michael Good is friends with that Trump supporter. And I hate that people then be like, oh, I can't hang out with Michael Good because he's friends with that Trump supporter dude.

It's like, no, no, why can't it be the other way where it's like, oh, I like Michael Good so much. I want to give that guy a second chance. If Michael likes him, he clearly must not be a bad person. Yeah, that's just a person to person thing. But I feel like I also like I think the like, I mean also I don't think being true. Give me an answer either way. That's a neutral. That's not as big of a problem

as people make it out to be. That's more of a personality thing. You meet people who, that's just like they really identify with their politics. So they're like, I can't even be around people that are on the opposite side of this. So it's like, you know, if that's...

I do think I have seen that more on the left side and the right side there. Because I never met a single Republican friend that's like, did you hear what this guy thinks about socialized medicine? You know what I mean? I feel like it's... Yeah, no, of course.

Yeah. Of course. And I feel like the more we, the more like democratic people do that, the more they'll alienate Republicans. And the more you alienate someone is what turns them into doing the unthinkable crazy thing. But, you know, I agree. Let's all be open. Let's all have sex.

I agree. But I was thinking on like a general sense, like people always like judge you because like you're friends of like people who do like, people who like, people who like, even criminal, be like, oh, this guy like this guy's friends with this person who did this. But I'm like, you being friends with somebody doesn't mean you approve. all their behavior. Like, you can be friends to somebody who literally murdered somebody. And that doesn't mean you're a proving murder. You could be like, no, I think I'm a positive influence

in this person's life. And so, like, and so, yeah. I'm in complete cahoots with you. That's why I'm here drinking with Michael Good, because I think good. No, honestly, it's similar because we were drinking together just now, and he was drinking a white rush. I was like, hey, Michael, try just a beer next time. You don't need to do

a hardcore liquor drink every time. Here's a great scenario. I'm not friends that ain't pedophile, but if you were friends of pedophile, every time you grabbed wings with him, he might not be fucking a kid. It's fucking like I've not. Is that your charity wings instead of? Beer and wings for a pedophiles.

He's fuck kids. Well, it's like, and he like brings someone along to be like, look at this positive influence I'm having. And he's eating the wings. He's like, nothing like a buffalo wing right after fucking. Wait, where do you guys? Is anybody seen

Gary? He's just like, oh, fuck. He's in like the Burger King playground. Yeah. God damn. Gary, come on. Because like, I will say this. I probably stopped

zero people from molesting kids. But I think if I was friends of the pedophile, even if I went back to get my wallet again, I was like, I forgot my wallet at his house. Like, that might stop it at least for like 15 minutes.

I don't know. I think it, I don't know. I'm a friend of pedophiles. Instead of leaving sweaters at a girl's place so you'd have a reason to see her again, you're like, no, I'm leaving all my clothes and stuff out of pedophiles out.

Yeah. So I have a reason to come over. I just get immediately wrapped into it. They're like, All of your clothes are you guys for sure are both having second children. No, I was coming back for my sweater, so I would stop the... And then I got there, and it seemed like a fun thing, so... It was dope.

The kid was enjoying it. That's what they say. Actually, I don't know if they're saying. No, I don't know. I know. I don't know. I will... I've said this a hundred times.

It would be a funny way to try to like a double fake out, Chris Hanson. Just like, you walk into the house and he's like, what are you doing here? And then the sweatshirt you were just wearing us on the ground You're like, oh, he's left that. I had to get this. I've so badly, people would hate me and I would probably never get booked again in comedy.

But I would be so curious to do a podcast to somebody who's registered sex. Why would they cancel you for that? People would be like, oh, you, you know, didn't beat him up or something. And I'm like, well, I mean, he's already, if he's legally like going to, you know what I mean?

He's been in jail for like 10 years. So this is something I think about all the time. I think, people hear somebody's a pedophile and will immediately write them off and be like, oh, you're a bad person, get the fuck out of here. And I think that, going back to the Trump's reporting thing,

that makes that guy's life easier. He goes, oh, if people hate me, then I can just be a shitty pedophile the rest of my life. But if you have something in your podcast and you're just talking like a human being, that, in a weird way, it will go a long way

to probably making that guy not want to be, because nobody wants to be a bad person. Yeah, that's a good point. You're kind of out of options. You fuck your first kid. you get caught. You're like, all right, I'm not getting invited to any parties ever again. That's like the Louis joke about that.

About the bestiality thing? No, the one he did on SNL. You know what was it? Where he's like, there's no, there's no more like, reprehensible thing you can be in society than like a pedophile. Yeah, of course. And then he has that where he's like, so it must be really good.

He's most really good, but he's like, so like maybe like usually it's like so bad that they just kill the kid after. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But maybe if we just kind of were less like angry about it, you might like get the kid back at least. Yeah, yeah.

Man, how far has SNL gone from that? Like that was a monologue then. Now it's like just the most bland. Like that is, dude, his SNL monologues are nuts. Like they're like, holy shit. They show this on TV.

They were fucking wild. Yeah, they were pretty cool. Yeah. You know what? Arsenal still does does some like crazy shit. Like, Did you see the Owen Wilson episode? I'll say this.

I haven't watched it in five years. And I've been shit talking it for like nine years. I haven't seen one second of it. I'm like, yeah, it's probably fucking stupid. I haven't seen a bunch. I like watched the clips on YouTube.

The Owen Wilson episode, they did a lot of like risque things. It was funny. Did you see the Cars thing? Yeah, the Cars thing was funny. Yeah, that's not a PC.

That's good. Even the kid, Kim Kardashian was good. I didn't watch the show. This season is like the best it's been in seven years probably. I hear one person I like talking shit about something I'm like it's probably stupid Which is the wrong way to look at it

But yeah no I gotta check it out No no I mean I hated SNO for a long time It's like it's such garbage Well sometimes you see bad episodes Like somebody would show me there's a celebrity guest And it's like oh look here it is The child's gonna be no one I remember being bad And I was like oh that sucks

I thought he was funny Yeah It just they just had too many theater kids For a long time You know what I mean It was too much of like Fun like references to things That no one else understood

or just people thinking being funny was just talking really loud. Yeah. Well, I'm excited. That's something you never recover from. Being a theater kid, it's just, it's,

it's, it's, it's just forever. That's a real identity for your life. But I'm excited. They just hired these three kids I went to college with who I did not know at all, but they were always nice to me.

I just don't know them at all. You do now, right? Is it my Facebook? Please don't destroy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, those guys are like,

they're great. I've been pretty fine. I've seen their stuff online, yeah. Yeah, no, they're in theater at your school? no they went on NYU they were like comedy guys okay but like uh and I think they're gonna be good I think they're gonna bring a lot of fun so they had a digital

short yeah yeah for in the second app that was actually really good yeah there's stuff on like YouTube's pretty funny I've seen some of their stuff yeah they're good guys so so I think we asked and L may be in a good direction now yeah yeah yeah but uh because as you said the season was good and uh I don't have a friend that just got hired to write for them who I don't want to talk about it I think I know you're talking about yeah yeah

I have no idea who we're talking about. It's so funny, too, because in my mind, I'm just like, in my mind, I'm just like, yeah, I'll never get, I just assume that I would never get, like, a writing job on a show up. But I don't know. Do you write? Yeah, dude, I took class at Columbia, NYU. Not like, well, they were summer classes, but they counted for college credit. I have college credits technically at Columbia and NYU for script writing and stuff.

Yeah, you're capable, dude. Fuck you. Get a packet together. You got this shit. Maybe. Honestly, I have no idea what I'm talking about right now. I have to go to the bathroom so badly. Go pee me.

Jake, we got... Like, I feel like I don't, like... Don't step on any of these courts. Yeah, we got a lot of cords here. What was middle school like for you? Me and Joey said if we run out of things to talk about, we're just going to start from your first memory. We'll just move forward in your life.

Do you remember your first memory? Yeah. So we had a... Oh, yeah, that's your... Of course you were. Yeah. No, somebody else remembers that. No, I like, my first memory.

memory is actually kind of a weird thing. My babysitter was from the Virgin Islands, and my first memory is a dream I had where she was dressed as a bee. Yeah, that's my first memory. Like, I mean, your first, like, your awake living memory.

It was probably Halloween. I remember we went to a, what's it called? My grandma was dressed as like a skeleton. Either that or she was just very thin. She had like the hands, like a skeletal hands. I remember that. And then my neighbor had a scary clown mask. And then I remember my babysitter from Virgin Islands.

I remember the very first thing I remember is standing up in a crib and drinking milk out of a bottle. And I remember spitting an act. It was like milk is fucking disgusting. It's the last time I ever drank milk. I don't like milk. You serious? Yeah. You remember? The last of Drakeville was you were like a child?

Yeah, it was like, what about milkshakes? Love milkshakes. Oh, okay. Instead, they eat things with milk in it. Right. Yeah, milk's a great ingredient. Milk drinking a glass. When I see an adult drink a glass of milk, I want to throw up. It's so disgusting. It is kind of a gross thing, I agree.

Do you drink milk, Michael? You're from Florida. No. No, I'll do it with cookies, but that's about it. Yeah, yeah. I'll do milk with cookies and dessert stuff or pancakes, but that's about it. Even if I eat cereal, I just eat dry cereal. you don't. Get the fuck out of here. Not with a spoon or Zee with my hands, like a snack. Okay, that's fine.

You don't pour in a bowl ever. No. Thank God. That's just as disgusting. But how often are you eating cereal? We have a real range of conversation. We're just talking about pedophiles. Now we're talking about whether we drink milk or not. Well, pedophile needs to know this stuff. It's true. Odds are somebody listening is a pedophile.

Actually, now, 30 people, there's no way. No way. I think God. Yeah. But we're talking about first memory. Yeah, my was Halloween. It's weird. Like, I remember my first memory, and I remember, like, being in my head and conscious for that.

And then I don't have another memory like that until I'm, like, 10 years old. Dan, you know, I have a lot of memories, like, being that. I remember our neighbor was dressed as a count. This one Halloween is very vivid. Or it was just a couple of holidays. I guess probably as a kid, though, every day's normal. And then you see, like, your dad's a ghost. And you're like, all right, this is going to fucking lock in here.

Yeah. I remember things happening, but me being just like a character in the memory. I don't remember how I felt or what I was thinking. Yeah, yeah. You know, until I was like a little older. Oh, dude, I have like such of the memories. But I feel like my like, I don't know this is my first memory, but the memory that like sticks out. The memory that sticks out the most is that, uh, I remember I was really excited because me and my family was, me and my mom, my siblings were all driving to my friend's house or like my own family friend's house.

a pool. That was always fun because we'd go, they go swimming. And I fell asleep on the car ride. And I woke up in my car seat, in the car, but I could see through the driving window, the, what is it called? The windshield. The windshield. My siblings and my family are in the pool having a great time. And it felt like the most cruel, unusual punishment I've ever had in my life. And I remember breaking my car seat, like, because I was so young, I didn't know how to like unclipped the car seat. So like I started biting at it and breaking it. And I fucking like got my way out of it.

And like by the time I got to my family, I looked like like a war survivor. Like a guy who like got captured at war and like snuck out. And now I'm like, you bastards didn't come back for me. You said you would. And it was the first time like I really yelled up my mom in front of people being like, you're wrong.

I'm right. Like you're a bad. Like I remember just yelling at like my whole thing. And it was probably like two minutes. I was in the car, but because I woke up all discombobulated like that, I was like, no. You guys need to hear that like what you did. And it was probably the first time I ever like had, um, agency or like respect for myself. You know what I mean?

Because before that, I was like, yeah, whatever you want me to do, I'll do. I don't give a fuck. I'm a little kid. But like in that moment, I was like, I'm a human. I have, I have opinions. I don't want to be in a car when all you guys are swimming. Did you guys ever You missed all of that

I missed all that I started eating a cookie like midpoint I was about I said something Oh I saw it Did you ever Like sneak a friend Like we

Remember I'd go to like What was it sleepovers And I'd pretend to be like Either a sleeper I'd hide Is if my parents would just be like Now we're just not gonna pick them up Because we can't find him Dude yeah

That was the thing to do And it never worked And then one time we snuck some kid out It's so funny We I was hanging out On my friends And I was like

Yo, you Like we had a play day I'm like This is going pretty well You want this party To keep going Yeah I like what we got going

Yeah Let's move this shit Back to my place And then I was like Yo let's I was like yo You go in the trunk Of my mom's car

And then we'll just sneak you into my house And they're like Hell yeah Yeah We start driving Not the trunk But like the back seat

And we stuck him In the backseat And then in the middle Of it He's just like he's like, I want to go home. He didn't sound like a grown man, but he was like, he was like, I want to go.

He's like, ah, he starts screaming. And then my mom's just driving away. And I guess his mom was like freaking out. Because it's been like 30 minutes down the road. He hadn't said shit. And the mom was just like looking for 30 minutes just for her kid. And then we had drive him all the way back. But I would try that shit where my mom would come home.

I'm just going to hide in like the closet in my friend's house or something like that. We would always do that. And it never worked. No, because it would be insane for them to be like, I fucking tried. They're like, thank God. We can't find that. kid. I don't know why we were so convinced it was going to work. Yeah, that's kind of a, yeah, that would be crazy.

Because you think, I don't know, do you ever have your parents just like show up late? And you're like, yeah, they're just not going to. As a kid, I would think that all the time. My parents would just, my parents are always late to pick me up. And I would just assume that I was like, they're not into me anymore. Like, I just assumed they were just leaving me. I got, I would not feel that. But if, like, I was at someone's house and their mom was like, your, your mom picking you up in 20 minutes.

So get ready. and if she was like late by a few minutes, every minute I'd be like, oh, she just got hit by a car, she's dead. Oh, dang, that's dark. Just immediately. Yeah, she's dead. I don't know if that's darker.

I can't know that. That's darker what I was thinking. Because my mind, they're abandoning me. In your mind, they're getting killed. I don't know which worse. So I don't know how many siblings you guys have. I have four siblings. I'm one of five.

So for me... I think it easily forgot about you. So for me, whatever my mom was late, I was like, oh, I guess there was traffic at soccer practice when she was picking up Anthony today. Like, you know what I mean? Like, because my mom was, was, mom was constantly in a circle driving around town picking and dropping people off.

And so like, and if she picked me off from somewhere, I wasn't going home. I was going to go to the next pickup drop off thing she had. So she was, if one of them lasted longer, it would affect the whole, it'd be a domino effect for the whole day. Yeah, my mom would like, I've talked to you about this recently. She said, yeah, yeah, it was very regularly to spend like 12 hours a day in a car. My, like, for like 18 years of her life. That's crazy.

That's so depressing to think about. But she loved her five kids, Michael. One time I thought my parents abandoned me because I, I told us on the podcast probably a couple times, but I went to wrestling practice on mushrooms one time when I was 14. I like, I like, there's a bag of mushrooms. I was like, are you a bag of mushrooms? Was that your first time or the second time doing it?

It was my second time. I was like, because I already tripped balls, told myself before. And like six months later, I was like, I got a bag of mushrooms. I was like, all right, I'll eat a little bit today, so I'm not tempted to eat them all tomorrow. And I went to, like, I was at tutoring. And I remember I started seeing these, like, Chinese symbols on the paper

because I was like. tripping? Yeah, even like a microdose for me. You were 14 or 15, hell over. Yeah, of course you were tripping. I don't know. Maybe, I don't know. But then I went to, I remember, like,

I hate telling Sam Stewart's in the podcast. No, I love this. I remember my fucking face. I'm literally like an inch away. My mom was driving me to wrestling practice. My face is an inch away from the air conditioner event. And it's playing that song. It's like, feel the rain on your skin.

No, and I remember, I literally was just like, my face is like writing it. just feeling the wind in my face. And then she's like, are you okay? And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm fine. And I remember she dropped me out for wrestling. I just got tossed around for like two out. Like, people were fucking just chucking me across the mats.

It was club wrestling, too. So I was like, I was like, I was 14, but there was kids that were like 10 because there's clubs. It was like, and I was like, dude, you're going to be so good when you're 14 in wrestling, dude. Fuck yeah. Keep it up. And then I remember, like, my brother was coming to pick me up or something like that.

And then, like, I'm watching. watching the janitor like wipe down the mats and it's just me on shrooms and I'm like I don't think anybody's coming from me like in my mind I was like I'm fine I was like wow they found out of mushrooms they're like we're just leaving him at wrestling practice forever we're having like bad thoughts yeah of course yeah I was like dude I'm I'm gonna live in this wrestling show I be so weird that's a kid just lives in the fucking I don't know what I thought just be how old are you 14 I was 14 yeah but I was like I don't know what I thought was going to happen because I was like, would they just leave me in? I don't know. You think,

like, legally they couldn't do that. But in my mind, I was like, I'm going to live in this wrestling gym forever. Yeah, and you're 14. You can just leave. What is it? I know, but in my mind, I'm like, I got to eat from that. I started looking at like the stack machine. I'm like, that'll be my dinner. I was like, I'll eat from there. I'll survive. Maybe, uh, there's faucets. I'll get water from there. How old is your brother? He's like two years old. And he just shows up like 15 minutes later. Like, he's like, dude, what's up, man? And then he's like, you, I just got this fucking dubstep CD from some guy in my lacrosse team, and then we just play it

and then I'm like, dude, life is fucking sick. Did you tell him you're tripping? No, no, no, no. Why? Your brother wasn't cool? Oh, he'd have been pissed, yeah, because I already got in trouble for doing mushrooms. So he would have been like, what the fuck? But it's so funny because it was playing a, this song called Doomsday by Nero,

and he's just like, yeah, I got this from some guy on lacrosse team, he's like, wait for this shit. And then he's like, it goes, doomsday, and I was just like, oh, yeah. You know, in like, in like a movie, they'll show like what era they're in by like yeah I just got this new like eight track and they play like yeah a radio speed wagon or something but then it's like that's such as a such a small era it was like three years I got this dubstep CD yeah exactly yeah it's like not even dude that's probably a year

and a half that was the thing that happened yeah yeah it was uh doomsday by nero which the song fucking slaps there's also a thunderstorm going on so I was just like fuck yeah yeah I mean that was the craziest time of my life because in your mind you're like dude if I could just get pussy, everything will be solved. Like, when I was 14, I was like, dude, once I get inside of a girl's vagina with my penis, I'm like... I know, I remember thinking that like life... It's such a simplistic, awesome way.

Yeah, I definitely remember thinking that, like, oh, if I just got a girlfriend, like, all my life problems will be solved. Yeah. That was the thing. And now I'm like, oh, I need money. If I could just get money, my life problems was... Because, like, it goes some girls to money and it's...

Right? Like, what else do you need now? It's just money. Well, that's the problem is you can't relive the most. So it's so annoying because you're like, when you're in it, you always want, like, in middle school, I was like, I can't wait to get a high school. And then high school, I'm like, I can't wait until fucking college. And then in college, I literally had nothing. I was like, college was fun. And I got a great time.

But I was like, dude, I got to get out of college, man. Really? I never thought that. I was like, college is good. I want to stay here forever. I was. I dreaded going to college. And then when I was there for two months and I was like, this is the worst thing.

Worst decision. Why are you so dreading college? I hate school. I hate school. Oh, see, I liked it because. as like girls were like finally like, how do I say this? DTF. I was like, yeah, this is sick. Yeah, I guess. I guess like, I guess that, I guess I'm still mentally there. I'm like, I just need a girl. I'm still like, you know what? Yeah. I only want money so girls more hot or girls will be

into me. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, I don't know if I'm, you have a girlfriend, right? Yeah, but I was never like going that crazy. That's, I've never been like this. Maybe when I was like, like 14, but I was never been like, this will solve my problems. Oh, I immediately was like, girlfriend, girlfriend. Yeah. It's just, it's just so much better. The fucked up thing is I can never get a girlfriend because I'm always like, no, no, no, this one is not the one, but the next one will solve a whole problem. And then I'm just like jumping from girl to girl to the point where I'm like, oh, I'm never going to be happy.

Yeah, you've met her nine times now. I literally told you, I'm going on a date with a girl who just be going. Because, I'll tell you, we talked about that offer. I'm not going to bring that up again. Yeah, I don't remember. But, no, I was big. I'll talk about it a lot of time. We, dubstep was like to fucking, oh my God.

I'm still into it as an adult. Really? Who you're into your guys? I mean, I like everybody. I've seen Excision like five times. So, excision, I'll talk about the same shit. I don't care. I like Griffin.

You're gonna hear the same shit 10 times. So you like what? I like Griffin. That's about it. Who's Griffin? I like the name. He's good. I don't know. I don't like dubstep, but like, Griffin's the closest thing to dops up I listen to.

Yeah. Well, I just like to do, because these concerts, we would go in like, it was the coolest childhood. Because we go, I mean, high schoolhood, I don't know what you call it. But we literally, people ran out, like party buses and go to these EDM concerts like they were like prom. And then we went one year and like, dude, half the people, I took bath salts that year. I remember, it was so funny. I was like 15 or I think I was 15 or 16. They were like, uh, they're like, yeah, they're bad salts, but they're like good. And I was like, all right.

These are the good, bad stuff. Yeah, because there's a thing called BKMDMA, and I was like, all right, I guess it's similar to Molly. And I remember I took it, and it was so funny, because I took the pill. And the second I took it, my dad's like, just a heads up, I don't want you to do any drugs as concerts. Mom and Dad, we're going to drug test you tomorrow.

It's like right after I fucking took it. And I was like, God damn it. I was like, because he was clearly telling me to be like, hey, don't do drugs tonight. He didn't assume that I already fucking took it. And how it is one of my friends wasn't allowed to ride on the party bus because somebody else, so even though I paid for the party bus

because I was taking the party bus on the way back I was like all right we'll give you a ride with my parents and then we'll take the party bus back because I forgot what happened but I was like we'll take the party bus back I was like I want to clarify my parents were cool

I was allowed to go on the party bus and I was invited to go on the party bus but I was only taking the party bus back and I remember I'm in line freaking out and I was like I need a fucking cigarette it's just so funny to be like 15 I'm like I need a fucking cigarette to relax and um

I was It was just so scary because like immediately afterwards they're like, yeah. And I started already planning. I was like, okay, I'm going to transfer back to private school because my parents are going to be all pissed off because I took this Molly at this concert. And out of the people that showed up on the, when we came back on the party bus, there was like four kids. And there was like 20 that went because like so many people went to the hospital. Arrested. Like it was like fucking.

Because the first year I got kicked out because the first year excision, I went, I got fucking hammered. And I'm right. I just walked in and I saw some adult. And I'm like, yo, can you get me like a beer? And I give you like 10 bucks. He comes back. I'm like drinking a beer. And the security comes up, they're like, do you have a wristband?

I was like, no. And they're like, you can't fucking be drinking in this concert. I was like, all right. And then they kicked me out. But so the extra year I came back and I'm like, this year I'm doing drugs because I'm like, the kids that did drugs never got kicked out unless they OD'd. And I remember we walked into the concert and there's this woman getting like carried out by security. And like you would literally see like kids on like gurneys.

Yeah, yeah. With like their wristbands like shaking. I just go to E. Not EDM, not EDM, Electric Zill. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I know exactly what you're talking about. Dude, yeah, people are over a lot. Yeah, yeah.

But it was just so many because, like, that was like the prom. You're like, dude, it's going to be this fucking concert. We're all going to be our drugs. And it's going to be a great time. It always was. I love that. Except for people that died. That was probably not good for them.

That's better. Like, at least you got kicked out for, like, a good reason. I got kicked out for a concert for the lamest reason. I remember I was like 15 years old. I was at a, you know, you know, Ben Harper? Ben Hopper is like a soft rock It sounds soft as shit Then Harper is not a guy that goes on

Yeah he's a soft rock Like he's acoustic guitar Just like I'm gonna sing the song It's very like simple shit You know Nothing crazy Yeah

And he's a song called Burn One Down about smoking weed And I'm like Oh okay he's playing his weed song Guys let's smoke all weed that we brought And we start smoking weed And sure enough the bounce So you have to get the fuck out of

We're like He's singing about smoking weed. This is the time was it's so annoying. And they were like, I don't care, he could be singing about whatever, he could be singing about pedophile shit, but we're going to kick you up you're a pedophile. I'm like, fuck. That's so annoying. And he kicked this out.

That's, I never. And it wasn't even like, cool. It was like, he's a guy with an acoustic guitar just being like, hey guys, I'm going to sing a song about weed now. And also, if you're doing the thing, that's so stupid. Like, I, we had more in high school. If you were smoking at concerts, you would get in less trouble if you're drinking because the venue

was supplying alcohol. So I think for concerts, if you're smoking a joint day all the time would you pick put it out because they would be like we didn't sell you the wheat so we're not going to be in trouble for you smoking weed but like if you're drinking but i went to go see aframan one time and i got banded under and i was talking to him he didn't seem like he liked me i think i was hampered i think i was talking to him and he just didn't seem interested in what i was saying um i could see how afroaman wouldn't fuck with you yeah yeah it was whatever um i know somebody that's tunnel brothers with him um you mean eskimo brothers what's the difference no eskimo brothers yeah yeah yeah

Tunnel Brothers when you both fuck at the same time, right? I don't... I never heard Tunnel Brothers. That's Chinese Finger Trap Brothers.

Yeah, some like that, yeah. But I went to the concert and I remember I had like a joint I was wearing Sparries because I was like 16 or whatever and I put my buddy put the joint in a sock because I was like,

oh, I can't put them in here. It all add up. Then I go outside to smoke a cigarette and they saw me like drinking a beer outside and I had axes on my hands and they're like, yo, you can't leave. And then I, my phone dies and I took like a cab home

or something like that. And I charged my phone, but he's like, dude, where the fuck are you? He's like, we're smoking this joint with Afro Man that you brought, and you're not here. And I was like, God damn. So, do your taxi back? No, no, I was kicked out of the concert.

So, like, I took a taxi back home and I started charging my phone. I saw it like, oh, we're smoking this joint with Afro man. I'm like, that would have been a cool story. So I smoked him out, but I didn't smoke with him. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. Wow. Girls have way better stuff.

Every girl I was like, yeah, I did Coke with Riffraff, then he fingered me. And like, that's way cool. And he like, I went time inadvertently. The first time I bought him and gave drugs to Riff Ruff. Is Riff Ruff? Like a big deal in Florida? You keep talking about him.

I love that guy. Like, I am passionate about that guy. The guy from Ska Movie 3? No, that's Simon Rax. Oh, but he's in Three Loco with Riff Ruff Rout? Yes, yes. Also, I've seen Simon Rax around. He hangs around McDougall Street.

He does? See you stand up? No, no. But I think he's friends a lot of comics because he's like into acting. He used to be a disc jockey for like a VH1 or HV. MTV maybe? He's an interview... MTV would need a disc jockey?

Why? I don't know. He'd be like a disc jockey, but then he'd also like, he was like a... He'd like interview like Tupac and stuff. It was very interesting because you're like, oh, it's crazy. The dirt nasty used to interview like Tupac. But, yeah, I saw a McDougal's free one time. He looked so hungover.

I was like, dude, I love your music. He's like, thanks, dude. I'm like, fair. You probably don't even love your music. I like Three Loco. I love... Dude, three Loco's great. I'm just an Andy Milanacus fan.

Oh, he's great. He's my hero. I hope he's still alive. He is. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, he's hilarious, dude. He'll just, like, pose videos on Snapchat. Needo, needo.

Neat, that song? Yeah, yeah, of course. And he also... Sounds like you don't know the song. Sing the next first. I don't know Three Local like that. It was the thing I did in high and listen Thru Local all the time. But, like, I remember, like, we almost went to see a Three Local concert.

I didn't see it. But we bought tickets and everything. And then, like, they have. We're like, we're not going to go to Three LoCola. What fuck is that? You can see Annie Milanox? I love it, Neil Lodakis, though. He's, he's an Avenger Time.

He, like, still, like, voiceovers and shit. He has that disease where he, like, he's, like, 50, but he looks like he's, like, 12. Dude, this is fucked up. I dated a girl. This is so fucked up. I dated a girl who, uh, when she was 15, dated this dude who was 16. And so she thought she was like, oh, I'm dating this older guy. He's one year older than me.

And they were on a traveling theater show together that would travel all around New England. And after, like, one of that show was, like, in New Hampshire. cops come break, their mid-show, cops come break up the show and like, take her back and be like, we're taking you for questioning,

tell us all about your boyfriend. She goes, I know he's 16, I'm 15, but like, we love each other. You go, no, no, no. Your boyfriend's 35 years old. This guy had Andy Molinacus disease.

The same disease Andy Milanacus has. It would go around, all around Canada, America, to like high school theater troops, join the theater troupe and always date girls

in the theater troupe who are 15 years old. And this is crazy. Because that means... What? Theater kids. Because... Why, they should theater king.

Fucking king, bro. Annie Milnaucas is missing out. No, but the crazy thing about the story is that this guy wasn't just a young-looking pedophile. But he was also a good enough actor to always get the port of... Oh, wow. You know, he always got that... That is, like, wild. What is the Andy Milonakis disease?

It's just like he just didn't go through puberty? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then you just have, like, a career for, like, a couple years. That's part of it. But isn't that weird that this guy was, like, going state to state joining each theater troop just to bang? Like, it's kind of, all right, he's a bad guy. He's kind of like an elementary school teacher and just Andy Milanoxas is like in your cloud.

You're like, all right, come on. Like, don't be wrong. This guy should be in prison. But I can see, he wouldn't want to bank you. He just be getting, like, the free milk or something like that. Yeah. I love Andy Milanox. That guy's hilarious.

Dude, he's awesome. Like, he's so likable. of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would pay money to see a new stand. He, uh, what is he? Yeah, no, he's, bees on my head. But don't call me a bee. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, that is crazy. Yeah, I can't, sorry, I'm still processing what you just told me about that theater. I know when she taught it to me. She was like, she was like, it was like, traumatic for her. So she was like, like, open up to me. And in my mind, I'm like, I got to cast this guy in something. He sounds good. He sounds like the real deal.

That has to be so funny when he was in the doctor, and they're like, you're going to look 15 forever. He's like, oh, no. Gosh. That doesn't perfectly align with my lifestyle. I keep getting older, but I look the same. I can't say. I keep getting older, but I stay the same age.

My fair is there's some dude who, like, worked at a steak and shake bias. with their high school parties. And that was my first time hearing this, like, sick Gucci Main song. There's a song called Darker by Gucci Main. It's so funny because I remember,

like, this dude, like didn't even have furniture in his house. And there's just kids playing pong. They're like, yeah, it's fucking Jamie. He works at the steak and shake down the road. He's 40. And he buys everybody alcohol. We party here.

And I was like, fuck, yeah. Was he a nice guy? There's no way that guy didn't try to have sex with high schoolers. There's like no possible way. But, I mean, I also knew friends with somebody. I'd always know girls that, like, work at like, a restaurant

and then just get, fucked by like the 30 year old guy that works there and she's like, I'm mature for my age. I'm like, yeah, it's what it is. Yeah, dude, I was just thinking about that because I remember being in, I would get so furious. And it makes sense now because these guys were just pedophiles, but in my mind, I was like,

you're taking what's mine. I would say that, but I'll be like, yo, this is so unfair. You have a fucking, like, job in an apartment? I had a friend, it was, like, legal. She was over 18, but she worked at a restaurant and dated this dude was in his 30s.

And she was like, she's like 19 or 20 at the time. But he would always get mad at her because he wanted her to like move in with him. And he was like trying to open a restaurant. And he was like, I want you to like be part of this. And like,

I want to start her life together. And she was like, no. Yeah. Can't you see that you're just not doing that right? She's like, you're a fucking loser. She's like,

yeah, you could fuck me, but like you're still a loser. This is cool for me. Very lame for you. This should be like a low point in your life. I didn't know we were exclusive. I knew some guy.

I worked at a restaurant and there was a guy who was like 16 and he was banging this like 30 year old chick that worked there. And everybody would give the 30 year old girl shit. I'm like, come on. This is pretty cool of her. She's blowing this kid. In my mind, I was like, he has. How old was the guy? He was like 16 or 17 and the girl's like 26 or something, which is definitely like illegal.

But I was also like, was she hot? debatable Yeah, I think she was hot She used to work like a Hooters I feel like I'm definitely incriminating somebody right now But I don't really care I've worked in like five restaurants

So it doesn't matter which one it was You got fired from like three business shops still I've been fired once actually Yeah How does she fucking think about what you say Before you open your fucking mouth You know what you taught me not to think before I talk You literally give a whole conversation

About that like 20 minutes ago Yeah An hour ago, no, who knows. How long have we been on this? We're doing, I want to do an hour at 30. We have 15 more. Can you do 15 more? We're doing an hour with 30?

Okay, good. Yeah, this is where we get to the meat of stuff. Great, I can't wait. So, Annie Milanox again. What was your first job? My first job? Like, real job, but like just any job that was paying me. Your first job?

Camp counselor in high school. Okay. Yeah. It was great because, I just love like little kids shit I love just coloring you're like you're digging yourself a hole

but I hope you can find your way out of it No no no Cam Calhenson is the chillest job Because you literally just get to play with kids all day long But like not like You're still not helping yourself get out of this hole No but like you're not like You're not doing anything

You're not teaching them school or anything You're just playing kickball and just like You're just like lobbing fucking water balloons at them Yeah it was awesome And I remember I got the babysit for a lot of them And so like literally I'm all my Like, I would go from camp to babysitting. These parents were so stupid.

They would give me, like, $80 for watching the kid for two hours. I'm like, okay, I'll take $80 for two hours. Well, there's a lot of jobs where you don't know what, like, for example, like, buying a mattress. I don't know how much fucking mattress starts. They can charge me any amount of money for a mattress, and I'm going to have no fucking idea. So I feel like for babysitting, that's kind of the same thing. We're like, everybody I did the babysat fucking made bang. Yeah, so yeah, $40 an hour.

That's cool. I'll take that. Yeah, exactly. I don't know what the fuck the rate is. And then I go straight from my babysitting gang where I'm like this real responsible person You go straight to my drug dealer's house and buy tons of weed Oh, there you go

With all the money I'm like, here's all my babysitting money Just give me whatever weed you have left Yeah Did you um So babysitting is your first show What about you? Like a handyman

What? Sort of thing Were you on the village people? Handyman and then I was a firefighter I love the idea I was an Indian chief I'm sure you're like an assisting handyman, but I love the idea of you just showing up

with a tool belt at like 15. You're like, what do you got here? I've seen this before. Can you elaborate on the head man? Over the summers, I'd spend my summers where my grandparents lived near Seattle. And so when we were out there,

my brother and I would just be like anyone around would be like if they needed something done. We'd just go and try to do it. Okay. What was the first payroll job you guys said? I worked. The first job that was like on the books.

Yeah, yeah. Oh. I was like a TV programmer for a TV company. What is a programmer? Basically, like, you know, like, there has to be, like, a show on every half hour. Yeah, yeah. So I'm the person who's helping, like, not the main person, but I'm one of the people being like, oh, we should put this show on. Our demographics says.

What about the weird in-betweens? There's always those weird in-between where you're watching a movie, and it's like this movie will go on to like 2.15. That's a thing sometimes. Oh, yeah. So, like, that's because of ad breaks and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, so, for instance, you can run way more ads, like, between, like, 2 a.m. to, like, 5 a.m. Then you can't.

So, you can stretch out, like, a 90-minute movie to, like, three hours long. So, like, oh, nobody's up. So, we can just put as many ads as we want. And so, like, that was basically my job. I was helping, like, figure out, like, what ads to put. So I remember, like... Were you ever, like, girls gone wild ads? Because those were, like, those were the shit.

No, we never had a girl gone out wild ad. But I remember the thing that I thought was really funny is that we, this tampon company was give us tons of money the same time we had Gilmore Girls. So I was the one in the meeting. I remember being at the meeting being like, hey guys, our demographics has a lot of 14 year old girls watch Gilmore Girls at this time slot.

So let's take all that ad money from the tampon, put all the tampon shit in there. And they were like, wow, tampons during Gilmore girls? Brilliant. I remember like walking out of the meeting and my boss was like, you really stepped up today. This is the most basic

suggestion that makes sense. And then I remember we had a house marathon right when we had NyQuil. That's really That's awesome. And so we just found a bunch of episodes of house where he dealt with like sleep deprivation and sleep problems.

So we just checked all these episodes out of that made no chronological sense just so we can like gas pump all these NyQuil commercials. And NyQuil loved this. Like they called us back. Are you part of big pharma? It sounds like you're No, I'm part of TV programming for like a year. I guess that's OTC

pharma. As part of the machine, yeah. Yeah. But that job, I lost that job because CBS bought the company I was working for. And CBS is like,

no, we don't need to hire people to do this. We have a whole like algorithm that does this like instinctually. Oh, yeah. Like, I was like up that night breaking my brain being like,

I think NyQuil, for a house. You got like post-its and stuff. Yeah. And they were like, no, we have a computer that does this. Yeah.

And they fired my whole team. What was your first payroll? That's pretty interesting first job. My first job that was like on the books tax pay in somewhere was probably right before right before COVID. I worked. I did like an odd like a gig job for these artist ladies over for like three months. What?

Was it the, was it you there's telling me that weird thing where you put the rocks in the room? We put fake snow onto like Christmas trees and stuff. Oh, nice. And then we decorated E-Tillard. for Christmas We decorated We did their Christmas decorations So Italy's a scam

I'm Italian And like so I know about all the good Italian deals And all these non-Italians They're like oh Italian Let me go to Italy And Italy is just fucking ripping people off left and right

They're taking fucking It's a ripoff Don't go there I don't go there But I don't go there But I've I couldn't afford it Yeah exactly

It's a ripoff It's insanely If you want That same shit from Italy From somewhere else Hit me up I got you First and 11th They have a lot of options

you were talking about, I was talking about Big Pharma. That is so funny too. I was talking about Big Pharma. You weren't, but I'm trying to talk about some facts. No. But it is so funny though, because people are like, there's a lot of people that are like, yeah, you know, I'm like a little rebel off the road. It's like, all of your views will align with Big Pharma, like, mainstream.

You know what I mean? There's a lot of people that are like, yeah, I'm kind of off the books and stuff like that. It's like, you're literally the most corporate person compared to anybody. It's like you're like, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah. Yeah, it's like, listen, I'm not anti-vaccine, but those. guys, they're going against the grain. I'm not, I took the vaccine. I think you should, but those are the real rebels. Demi Lovato is saying, uh, we got to call aliens something else,

right? Isn't that something? I don't know. Every podcast is talking about this. I'm with her, dude. Call alien. We need to respect them immediately. They're going to come up here. Aliens. Oh, I'm sorry, she's talking about people from outer space. Yeah, she's saying that. Not like illegal immigrants. They're not people. They're aliens. They're from the Zeta, reticula galaxy. But the thing that she's saying is she's like, yeah, you can't, you got to call them extraterrestrial instead of aliens because aliens is like offensive term. Dude, she is the, that's the dumbest thing. Oh, she's out of her mind.

That is so stupid. That's what you worry about when you're not connected to any sort of reality. Like, if I was not from this planet, I'd be so offended if they called me an, they don't even what the fucking alien is. It's not even their slurs. The slurs are probably like, yeah. That's probably the thing you can't call them. It's probably like a really specific. You know, what I say?

You know how like Britney Spears just got freed? from her. Oh, I know. She got freed from it. And it was because of, like, public opinion of people being like free Britain, yada, yada. And then right after she got a, it was lifted or whatever you call it, she posted, like, four selfies on Instagram of her just naked. And everyone was like, ooh, maybe she needed someone to be watching her.

What if she just immediately comes out? She's like, the vaccines of microchip. Everybody's like, no, no, no, no, no, go back, go away, go, go, go over. Get ever, get ever, get, ever. No, she could just do that on her only fence for more money. What an idiot. She has... She has...

Do you guys have your problems? Can we look it up? No, yeah, of course. There's something like... Maybe she shouldn't be, like, controlled by her dad, but, like, people being, like, she's just a human being. Just let it, like, no, she needs to help. She needs to help. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, uh... Dead Lovad, that's next... She was, like, attacking some ice cream shop because, like, she's like... She's, like, they had, like, diet options. She's, like, you want to lose weight, and she's like, nobody should be pressured to lose weight. Like, nobody's going to your house and saying, hey, how about she eat this fucking ice cream, you fat piece of shit? It's like...

Well, Debra Lovato's hilarious because she's also the same person that was like, I don't know why Disney got so mad at me when they found it. I was a Coke addict. I was making little girls happy while I was high on Coke dancing at their bar mitzvahs. So who, why do they give a fuck? Yeah, that's just crazy. A rich dad hiring Tebri Lovato. I do agree with the...

We should be so respectful to them immediately before they get here because they're going to fuck us up. Aliens and Demi Lovato? No, not Timilovato. We have to be respected Demi Lovato in a Coke problem? Oh, no, no, yeah. They, um, yeah, I don't know what's gonna, I do want to watch that show, but I don't want her to be the host. What show? I'm deep into aliens, as you know, but like Demi Lovato.

She's hosting an alien show? Yeah, it's like a show on, like, showtime where she's like, these are the aliens? Is she still hot? Because if she's hot, I'll watch it. Yeah, she's not. Okay, I'll watch that. But she has that haircut now. Oh, it's not hot.

Every girl dressed like a lesbian now. Oh, I hate that. But if you're a lesbian, it makes sense. but if you're a woman attracted to men, I don't know. I'm not trying to be like, they should dress how I like. I bet you fucking hike up this kid,

you sluts. But what's I talking about? Demi Lovato, fucking aliens. I don't know what's going on with her. It was interesting hearing her say to the day them thing because she's like, she went to like a poetry thing and that's when she found out she was the day

because somebody was like, I am a day. And then she's like, I immediately fucking new right thing. She's like, but I am famous. Is this? fucking, yeah, no, it was interesting. I mean, because I do think there are days, but then I think, I don't know, it's a weird thing.

Because I think the one thing, like, if Donald Trump came out as a they, everybody who's like, nobody lies. Because everybody's, they're across the board, they're like, nobody lies about this stuff to get attention. Because I don't think, I think most people who transition, probably 99% are absolutely have gender, or whatever it's called, where they actually do identify as different gender. I think 99% people that are they are day. They're like, I don't identify as male and a woman. But then there is a 1% that I think is doing it for attention. Like, like, Demi Lovato, maybe she's like, I don't know. There's anything that gets attention,

there's at least one person who will, like, appropriate it to get attention. Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, I don't think you should cater to that. And that's not to say that the people that that's true about are all, they're all lying about what it could be anything. Yeah, exactly, exactly, yeah. Because it's like, I don't think just because somebody lies to go into the men's,

woman's bathroom to look at naked chicks. I don't think that means that we shouldn't allow transgender women to... You know what I mean? Just because there is that 1%. But that also don't ignore... Like, that is a thing.

You know what I mean? It's like there are people that do... There are people that lied about being at... 9-11. At the World Trade Center. Yeah. Renzinski or whatever his name is. Redizzi? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a woman who did it and became... She became the chairman of the, like, the 9-11 Survivors Foundation. That's fucking awesome. There's a documentary about her. It's crazy. And then when she got found out, she was like bullying the other members.

But I also like trying to get at him. She's like, isn't she like a bitch? I don't think she was there. I also want to know the person who like did the research to be like, this lady doesn't seem right. There's something off about her. I got to do that. I got to find out if she was there or not.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. It's an interesting thing. Because I would never like, I would never accuse somebody of a lie. I just be like, oh. That's a big leap. You weren't in 9-11.

Her 9-11 story was like, it was like an amalgam of like, like all the craziest stories you've heard. Like she took a piece of each one and made the craziest one. She's like, I was on the airplane and in the building. I showed up out of the airplane into the building. What was Steve Winnis? What was his story? You know his?

He worked at Merrill Lynch. He was like a receptionist at Merrill Lynch. Oh. And then they were like, you know, Merrill Lynch was like, you never worked there. Really? They were like, he never worked for us. And also, we didn't have an office at the world place. it was like so fucking

dude I like I genuinely the stolen value it doesn't I don't know why it doesn't bother me Is he like canceled because of that? Because I feel like he shouldn't be Yeah it's kind of funny Is he canceled because of that? He was he didn't really have a career

No I think he had a start to No he had a good start to a career Like he was doing the league He had like a Netflix special The league is great He didn't Netflix special But have he ever seen his stand-up is terrible I never seen it

But I'm saying I think he did have a start To like a career though And then that definitely put it like a Yeah. Yes. I think he would have had an acting career, but his stand-up is really...

Yeah, I never seen a stand-up. I like him on, this is not happening, though. He's good on that. What if his whole story? He's like,

I was in the towers. Yeah, his, this is not happening. It's called known liar. So when I clicked on it, I was like, oh,

fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was some bullshit. Yeah, I bet you anybody that goes to his show. Now, he's like, show us at the store

the other day, everybody's like, nope. were you nice fucking try bud nope um back when I was in high school

at Columbine and yeah every one of his stories this is like sound like that yeah back when I was at the naval base

at Pearl Harbor yeah yeah one thing I was thinking about we got a couple minutes but one thing I was funny he's like there's always that thing

in society where people are like I was just thinking about this the other day People are like, be who you are, you know. And I think most people what that means is like, don't, you don't have to go to college. You don't have to be in finance. You don't have to be one of those guys. Be who you really are.

But then I think some people are being who they are. I think I have a brain tumor. I start conversations. Are you saying like some people who they are? Fake who they are in the other direction. Because it's like, I understand you might not be a stockbroker, but you're also not the person who has 19 piercings in your face. That's no way. There's no way.

That's who you naturally are as a person where you're like, yeah, no, this is. I am. I'm the guy who has like 10 different hair colors and carries around a dead pigeon in my backpack because this would style it. You know what I mean? It's like, it's funny you say that because I don't have tattoos and I have lots of friends who have tattoos and whenever one of them is like

trying to talk me into getting a tattoo, I'm like, oh, they don't, it's not about me getting a tattoo. It's about they have to justify their tattoo by telling me why I need a tattoo. It's like, Joey, you need one because it will show people your

identity. That's why I have a tattoo. It's cool that I have one. I'm like, oh, dude, you have problems. Yeah. You got to figure yourself out a little bit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, that's like, I know somebody got. Do you guys have tattoos? I have two tattoos. What are they? I have a catfish on my shoulder. Oh. And

a sailboat. Oh, nice. I got both them for free. Yeah, those are cool. I never say anything different to your face. Free, that's cool. Yeah. Well, this is like a doodle I did of a cat's head, not a fish's body. Oh, that's pretty fun. Yeah. Oh, that's a real catfish. I don't like that fake catfish. No, no. Because people

when people get tattoos that mean too much to them, I'm like, in the year you're going to be like I'm an idiot forgetting this. Yeah, yeah. So I get this. I'm like, while I was getting, and I'm like, this is so fucking stupid. I still love it. I love these things. Dan Carnet is something similar. He's like a four-de-he's a shamrock,

and he's like, yeah, I got this because it was stupid. I was like, okay, that's cool. My favorite is, we were talking about that thing. I was barking and it's on a tickets for this comedy show, and this guy comes up to me and he has a pierced metal mustache. So imagine a metal mustache

like just like a battering basically but a mustache. So pierced into his face and then a pierced goatee into his face made out of metal and then he rolls his eyes at me for asking to come to a comedy show. He's like, ugh. And like you can't roll. You look fucking insane right now.

Don't roll your eyes to anybody. So is piercing went all the way around his lips? No, it was like it pierced in the middle and then it came out as handled. like a metal handlebar mustache. Oh, yikes. Yeah, but I was like, that's cool, but don't roll your eyes,

but he's like, you're ridiculous. I'm like, dude, fuck you. That is disgusting. Yeah. He's not getting laid with that, is he? Maybe, I don't know, he had like a fucking fur coat also.

The guy was elaborate. But there's no, that's not who we, yeah. That's the definition of like a facade. Thinking of walking around with that shit. He's legit wearing a costume. Yeah, yeah, he's literally,

yeah, there's no way. Yeah, that is a costume you're wearing. Yeah. I'm not a fan of it. No. It's like, I hate to like, if you kind of like box yourself in with too much of like what you look like, you know, like if you have like a curly mustache, like a really goofy one, you can't like cry. Yeah. If something makes you like genuinely sad.

See that guy crying. He was still like, no, you got to be like a clown, dude. Yeah. What are you doing? You know what that dude? That guy was crying. That would be the funniest fucking thing. Why are you crying?

is you look like a fucking idiot. Yeah. You know what? Nobody takes my concern seriously. Why do you think? Yeah. So I had that, that exact thing happened to me.

I got struck by lightning. And my metal mustache. No, no, but he just goes to the front office. He's like, I would like to report a sexual assault. He says like a fucking,

like, this sounds like a serious crap. Please take your mustache off. Sir, it is too. I'm sorry you were attacked. Please take your mustache off. Yeah. He's just wearing like a fake one.

Yeah, if he gets arrested, he has to take that out. That's so funny. I had a firsthand experience like that. I felt so stupid. So when I go to these grateful dead shows, I dress up like a fucking idiot. Like I put glitter on my face. I like have like three bandanas on.

I'm just, I just look like a spectacle. And I was at a barbecue before the last that show I went to. And I guess like my friend like, the media was cooking was like bad or whatnot. And everybody at the barbecue got food. poisoning, including myself. But I didn't stay at the barbecue. I left the barbecue to go to this concert with my other friends. And so I'm at the concert with fairy dust.

Just throwing up. Throwing up and like diarrhea in the porta potty. And like, and I'm like almost like crying and pain. And I'm like, guy, I'm just, I don't know what's going on. And my friend's like, dude, I'm sorry, but like I can't deal with you crying. You look like a fucking dumb ass. But you're just like a too. He goes, yeah, but I'm not crying.

Yeah, you're crying. And then I have to leave the. concert early and luckily one of my friends on the barbec you lived nearby and picked me up and I was telling him I was like oh yeah dude same everyone same all of us I'm like oh all of you guys are fucking food yeah and you let me leave and they're like oh it was too late by time you left what's funny because if you guys all showed up there'd be all just guys throwing up with glitter like I remember we went to this party one time in high school we all got hammered we got weird earrings because we just got our ears pierced at some girls house and so like some of us have like

hoops my buddy had like a uh what do you call it like a feather you know like like an 80s feather earring. And we all just showed up way drunker than everybody because we've been day drinking all day. So like one by one, people are looking around the party. They're like, you see some fucked up guys of the earrings.

They're like all in a get, but we're all different parts of the party. And one of my friends like lost his virginity with just like a feather earring. But like that's so funny because like if you didn't know we were all friends, just you'd be like, everybody with an earring at this party

is really fucking hammered. It's acting very strange. Yeah. I do think we should wrap up. I moved on an hour 40. So, yeah, I was,

Good, like 40 minutes ago. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm going to try to start doing longer episodes because in theory, I'll get better at him. So, yeah. This is also going to come out in, like, three weeks. Because I have so many backlog ones. I've been doing a lot of episodes. So what do you guys want to promote?

Bad Trip Storytelling Show. We have a bunch of dates, all different venues. We're on Instagram as Bad Trip Storytelling Show. And I also have a podcast. This will come out three weeks, so it'll be canceled by then. No, I have tons of shows for, like, the next, like, three months. Also, I'm also a... Great show, by the way.

I had a fucking blast that one I did. Yeah, we got to get a... you back on. Yeah, I love to. And we got to get both you, both of you guys on. And also, trailer trashing podcast, the podcast, that trashes movie trailers. Check it out. I've also heard good things about that. Really? Yeah. I've listened to an episode. I liked it. You liked it? Nice. Fuck yeah.

Yeah. I think I get you on that one, too. Word, I'm bummed down. Cool. Peanut Butter. Peanut Butter trap. It's a podcast, and it's we record a live at the Grizzly Pear every Sunday at 6. So come do a live recording or listen to it on Spotify. All right, sweet.