Morning Good - You Ruined My Dreams - Episode 27

Episode Date: May 23, 2021

Thanks to Alan for coming back on the show and being a great guest. Make sure to follow him to check out any shows he has coming up in New York as well as up the east coast. Alan is on all social media platforms @fuckcityusa.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. I feel like that's going to change for it, like, permanently. Are you vaxed? I got the first dose. I didn't get the second one. But I'm telling everybody I got both. because people like dude that was crazy I was barking the other night and this woman comes up to me

and I was like trying to sell tickets she's like are you fully vaxed and I was like it's none of your business and then she's like it is my business I was like that's crazy to me like that's like that's like stopping everybody who's driving to like make sure they're sober like I feel it's like a little obnoxious to like yeah it's too much it's too much are you vaxed then what do you fucking care yeah exactly and like she's like yeah I'm totally that's the thing I don't get because like if other people are vaccinated why does it matter if other like if you you You know what I mean? Like, if you're good, then, like, all the old people are good. So I don't, I don't really. Yeah.

Now the only people you're killing are anti-vaxxers, which, like, if you don't like anti-vaxers, you'd want them to be dead anyway. So it doesn't. Yeah. Yeah. It's illogical. Even though Corona gives most people just a sniffle and a headache. Most people, yeah, yeah. But that's the thing. I think a lot of people have been fucking and getting COVID that way. Because I, I, dude, I went to, like, strip clubs in Florida. I did so much shit, and I just never caught it. so and then like I hear other people they're like oh super careful and I caught COVID I'm like okay you caught it but like I didn't

then you like how what did you do you went to a titty bar in Florida dude we went like four nights in a row in Key West yeah oh well that like Florida's like the land of titty bars though isn't it like Tampa yeah Tampa's like strip club capital of the world yeah wow at least it got something going for it

it's about that's they like own that because there's not like a whole lot else going on it's like one of those things it's like when Tony Romo sets a record or something. He's got to keep patting that record making sure, because he's not going to get anything else. Yeah, that's kind of how it is in Tampa, yeah. And...

So they had the record like 50 strip clubs ago where they're like, no, keep it going. We don't want Providence, catch it up. The worst what I've mentioned, there's one called Cafe Risque. Oh, that sounds clever. Yeah, it's like... It sounds classy, but it's not. It's like Ocala Florida. And like the motto is like, we bear

all, which I don't know what that... Is that mean like, we let anybody in, or... No, no, we bear all. Meaning that, you know, they show everything. They take all the clothes off. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, because that is how it is. But they serve food there and they don't serve alcohol, so you can get, like, omelets and stuff. Is that a Florida thing? Well, if it's, it has to be, like, regulated by the ATF if they serve alcohol, like the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms.

Oh. So, yeah, so it's like, but I heard some places will sell you your beer back to you. So if you bring a beer, like, they can't sell beer to you, but they could do a weird thing where if you bring beer, they can sell it to you. But I don't know why that makes any sense. because you're still selling alcohol, I guess. I mean, I think they can be like, yeah, so we just charge someone a flat rate to drink here or something? Yeah, I guess like a corking fee.

Yeah. I guess that makes it. There's a lot of B-Y-O-B place in New York. Have you been to one? No, no, I don't drink. Oh, yeah, you don't drink. I forgot that, yeah, yeah. Yeah, just dope for me. I just shoot dope in my veins.

It's a way to do it. My doctor told me I had to quit drink. I was like, what about heroin? Yeah. I want to hear that again. I was like, I won't tell you again. Yeah. No, I was put on drugs to very young.

I was put on Adderall, like, when I was, like, fucking 10. So that's why it's always so funny to me. People were like, dude, why would these doctors, like, lie to you about the fact? I'm like, I think the vaccine's fine, but, like, the general thing, they're like, no, I, like, I trust it less because it's coming from a doctor. It's like, I feel like those pharmacies, especially, like, Pfizer. It's like they're getting sued all the time for, like, oxycod and stuff like that. Yeah, good old oxycontin. It's a good time.

If it wasn't, it wouldn't be such a smash hit New Bedford. Yeah. I'm sorry, I mentioned New Bedford. New Bedford's in Massachusetts. It's a well-known heroin town. Your listeners probably won't know. No, they have no idea what that is. Yeah, well, if you ever need dope, you just go to New Bedford, Massachusetts.

Yeah. Florida, I feel like, I don't know, I feel like we're known for bath salts, but there is more heroin, I guess. There's math in Florida, too. There's a lot of math. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bath salts, you guys have to make your own bath salts now because they finally caught up to you, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, I've done bath salts.

before. It's an umbrella term. It's like this group of drugs. So some of them make you go crazy and eat people's faces, but some of them are just like Molly. Oh. So yeah, it's like an umbrella term of these drugs that were sold as bas salts. Like you know how they had like the K2 stuff that was like synthetic marijuana but it was like incense? That's kind of

what bath salts like were. So it was like they weren't actual bath salts, but like they were just sold. They were just calling that just to keep them legal? Yeah, yeah. That's genius. Yeah, it's like salvia. Like that's something that's like was legal for like so long. Is that not legal anymore? Not in most places.

I feel like enough kids jumped out of windows and stuff. That is funny because people always joke about acid making you jump out of windows. But Salvia, like you watch videos people actually jumping out of windows on it. Salvia, yeah, you're all, yeah, you got to do that just outside. Yeah. That's what we did it outside in the grass. It was fucking nuts. Yeah, what was yours like?

I've only heard weird shit. Like I've never heard anybody having like a spiritual. It's always just like everything turned into plants or something. I don't know if it was spiritual, but it was very visual. I don't remember much of it. I just remember sort of just spinning around and falling down. It lasts like a minute, like two minutes tops. I heard it's so hard to walk on because you're like all distorted.

Dude, I fell in the grass. Yeah. It was pretty cool. Well, that's why I want to try this new stuff. There's this stuff called Delta 8 THC. I spoke to a couple of times. It's just like weed. But I want to do stuff until we know how bad it is for you.

That's like the move because it's not fun to do it once you know it's like horrible for you. Yes. But there's that like nice phase where like, I remember we used to smoke that cake. two spice stuff. We had no idea how bad it was for you. So we would just be smoking it out of a plastic water bottle. Is that worse for your brain or your lungs? I think it's worse for every. I don't know. Some kid we knew had a seizure from it. Pussy.

Yeah. Ruining K2 for the rest of us. I know, right? Yeah. I was just thinking about the funniest thing. So I took a screenwriting class in college. But it was this thing where like everybody could take it. So there's like this grown woman in my class. I don't know why I was thinking about this the other day. She's trying to write like an overly dramatic script.

in the first page of this woman's script was a six-year-old girl blowing out candles and just getting socked in the face by her alcoholic dad which is so funny because like I was thinking about it the other day it's like I think that's so funny because like clearly she's just trying to be dramatic but like could you imagine that just being the first like somebody blowing out birthday candles and then just kidding like she's she's got something I don't think she's got a she's got something she's got something there like she's got a full. for the dramatic. She,

like, I, like, I, she, there's something about that. That works. That just works.

Right away, bang. Just like the first scene is just a six year old girl getting sock to the face. And she's blown up birthday candles. Yeah. So it's supposed to be a happy day. But it's sad. But it's sad because her alcoholic punched right.

Who made the cake too if her out if her, that's such an asshole. That's a great point. I don't know. I guess the boss, but it's so funny too because like, she's like,

yeah, he's an alcoholic. I was like, I don't know if you ever met an alcoholic, but they're just not punched people at the face for no reason. Like there's, there's reason behind it.

It's not like, oh, it's your birthday. I'm just going to sock you in the face now. You ruined my dreams. Yeah. That's what the movie's called. It's called you ruined my dreams.

And it's a pro-alcoholic father movie. He could have been someone. He was pretty good at the guitar. Yeah. And then it was that. And then you ruined his wife's pussy and took all his money. You monster. That would be great.

They just frame her. It's just like the piece of shit character. Look at her. She needs food, water, shelter, clothing. To just take her. He's just like, I don't know where I'm going to come with his money. Yeah. It was so funny.

I remember the woman she was talking about, because what we were talking about, we're like clearly you have so disconnected with people who have out like that's just not i mean i'm sure there's abusive alcoholic fathers but it's not like just out i'm sure it's like they're angry about it's not i don't think they get mad at it it's your birthday but um it was funny too because the woman she was in the class and she was talking about uh her other screenplay idea she's like what about a world where instead of coming out as gay people come out as straight because gay is the new norm oh man but she like paused though like we're our minds were going to be blown.

She's like, are you ready for this right here? Yeah, you know how my son's gay? What if he was straight and we were all gay? Yeah. You know? That's it.

That's it. And so, and I just thought it was so funny, because her whole, like, reasoning behind it, she's like, I had to come out,

not as gay, but she goes, as a kid, I had to come out as Jewish. She's like, because I lived in Florida. that's the South. I was like,

it's sort of the South, but like, there's no more Jews in Miami than like anywhere else. Yeah, it's the most Jewish Southern State easily. Yeah, by,

it might be one of the most Jewish. I'm curious about that. It really is like the New York City of the South. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like, if she was in Alabama, that's one thing.

Yeah. But if she was in Alabama, she'd run every bank in Alabama. So what's to be fine? Yeah, yeah. Most Jewish state. It's on 4chan. That's who.

What, the FBI. Yeah. Jewish state. What? Is Alabama the most Jewish state? No, that's impossible. Jewish population. Let's see.

Jewish population by country, American Jews, most and least Jew states in America. What would you guess is the... I would guess probably like... New York. New York's definitely the most percent of Jews Yeah, New York

and then it's definitely like Florida's definitely like next because the darker it is the more Jews there are I guess The more Jew, I love how they chose green as the color Yeah, this is yeah

This is easy Yeah Or what if it was It's great because they're grossed out By Jews But it'd be funny if it was like Green states are like the safe Like no Jews

and then red the red is like the jew like like a stop and go type thing it's a yellow it's like you could be safe there but could be could be a little risky dark red yeah are you a what are you saying nothing nothing yeah are you a big troll you ever troll online no i mean i i i have every now and then but it wasn't i don't like doing it i have like a problem with it i was doing it my job the other day yeah because i got kind of drunk and I like just put myself at a bunch of abortion debate groups. But I won't do the like I'm right, you're wrong. Trolling.

I'll troll. I'll only just say the most ridiculous shit to see how people respond. So this one here, somebody posted something about this man. It was this article about this man who kicked this woman in the stomach because the woman wanted an abortion, but in order to have like a cheaper route, this man like kicked her in the stomach. Oh, all right. So he's the hero in the story. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. And I commented, I was like, does anybody? have this guy's contact information. I have an unfortunate situation I'm sure he could help with. And this woman whose profile is a baby. So you know already where she stands on the issue. Yeah, you have a fake Facebook, right, for this?

No, no, this is my real Facebook. Get the fuck out of here. It's too much fun, though. She goes, is this supposed to be a joke? And I said, oh, God, I wish this was a joke. I've gotten those funny fake pregnancy tests before, but no, unfortunately, this is the real deal. And I saw she was religious, too, so I was like,

I've started praying every day, and I'm starting to think this man is my only solution. The Lord works in mysterious ways. And she goes, so you legitimately want this guy to kick with a pregnant woman in his stomach to force an miscarriage? And I go, yes, the baby's already kicking my girlfriend in the stomach four times a day.

this man would only have to do it once we wouldn't have to deal with the problem again it's somewhat common sense at this point because I like that kind of troll it because it's like if she's out there thinking that I'm just like trying to find a man to kick my girlfriend right in the stomach and then I was so pissed because I got obviously I got booted from the group eventually

but what happened was one of the admins of the group said this is a debate group and so I said okay I will set this up into debate format. Should this man, A, scissor kick my girlfriend's toddler pod, or B, roundhouse her rug rat chamber. Please elaborate

on your choice. Yeah, that made it a little obvious right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the hard part. You have to like kind of, I feel like you have to like slowly do it. Like if you're trolling people, it's annoying because you want to be funny, but you also want them to think you're serious.

Yeah, it's a delicate balance. Yeah. It's a real tight rope. Yeah, exactly. But it's like not funny if you just make it so awesome. You gotta like... That kind of fucking what people is really funny. I... That's funny. I... Like,

that's the only way to troll, I think. Yeah, yeah, you can't. The worst is like when people try to get in political arguments, they're like, oh, I'm gonna troll them by like being satirical and like let them know... I'm like, that's... Fuck you. Just be funny. You're a fucking tool. Yeah. Yeah. I'll show them.

Yeah. No, you got to just be like over the top at the point where... Like, one of my favorite ones was there was that thing coming out where, like, Trump was... Like, he said something about either eating hand sanitizer. Somehow, I don't know what happened with that. But basically the implication was that he was telling people to eat hand sanitizer. I think it may have been a joke. I'm not sure what he was saying. And this woman comments, like, he really wants people to eat hand sanitizer.

And I comment something like, oh, I think you maybe feel differently if your grandma was on her deathbed. It's like, or no, he wanted people to inject hand sanitizer. Like, that was a joke. He's like, if you ejected it. And I was like, I feel like you feel differently. Injection is the only way I can get into my grandma. I was like, I tried putting in her soup, but she just won't eat it. Because just the idea of me spoon-feeding my grandma, like, Purell is.

I mean, if you injected hand sanitizer, you'd be so fucking drunk. You might have got alcohol poisoning. Yeah, I've heard if you freeze it and, like, shave off some of it. There's, like, a weird thing. You can, like, you can snort it or something. But why would you want to do that? Some people said if you freeze it, it turns into, like, something like peyote. But I don't think it's anything.

I think it's just serious chemicals going into your body that like you will trip, but it's probably not going to be like a... Yeah. Just it's just a bunch of the wrong brain cells dying at the wrong time. Yeah, yeah, just so that it has some reaction. But yeah. That's wild to me. I think people used to do the keyboard cleaner stuff. What was the keyboard cleaner stuff?

Yeah, you just have keyboard cleaner. Oh. But if you, um... Oh, yeah, I saw an episode of some reality show where they're like, we care, but they don't. Yeah, yeah. and they're like, look at this fucking guy and his car, he's just huffing huffing that stuff.

Those shows, man, they really try to get you to, like, they try to convince you that you give a shit then you're a good person and that's why you're watching them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, it's nothing is more the opposite. Yeah, exactly. You're just watching someone to be miserable, but you're like, ha ha, I can have two beers and fucking just chill, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're kind of just watching people, like, shaming people who have drug problems instead of like, actually. Yeah. Yeah. I've really like pissed his pants doing it. I wonder what if it's like the best high though?

Like it's like, there's no way it can be. I think it's... No, the best high is shooting cocaine or shooting crack. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I forgot that people do that. I think it's a very rare thing people do, but I forgot people do that. Not in rehab.

It's all the rage. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure. Yeah. A lot of people there for shooting cocaine, dope. Yeah. I mean, I understand shooting hair, but I feel like it's just less common to shoot Coke because I feel like it's

but that's got to be wild. I can't imagine that like high because I've done a bunch of Coke but I can't imagine like the level of shooting it. One of my friends had no idea you could overdose on it. I remember he was doing so much about. I was like be careful if he don't odor it. He's like, what are you talking about? I was like on cocaine.

He's like people don't overdose on cocaine. And I'm like, yeah, they do. And they have heart attacks all the time. Yeah. But mostly, I think mostly it's when you mix it with stuff. It's mostly like Coke and then pills or something like that. Coke was a lot of fun. fun.

You know what? Coke wasn't as much fun as waiting to get Coke was for me. And I don't mean waiting to get Coke. I don't mean like, ah, shit, this guy is he going to show up? I don't know. I mean like, oh shit, he'll be here in like 20 minutes, dude. Yeah, yeah. Like, that's fun.

Yeah, exactly. And then when you're actually doing Coke, you just talk about nonsense. You realize you're being annoying. You're grinding your teeth. It's not as good as... No, yeah. I don't think being on it. But I also love the camaraderie of it. I love, like, feeling like you're the cool kids. Like, you're like, kicking people out of the bathroom. You're like, yeah, sorry, you can't be in here.

Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, and then you're like, we're the cool group. And then you go out to the party, you're like, yeah, we're all in fucking care. You're like, hey, we actually need to use the bathroom. No, fuck off. I need to take a piss. Get the fuck out of here. Nope. Find another hotel room. Yeah.

Yeah, no, I yeah, I had a lot of fun. Yeah, I don't do it anymore either. It makes me feel horrific, but yeah, I like, I didn't like the, I don't think the high was that good. I didn't really enjoy the high as much as I like the attitude of it all though I like the energy of it that's what it's all about the attitude the energy

this is where our night's going holy fucking shit we're getting blow yeah I remember I hopped in the wrong car one time because I was so hammered it we did a bunch of blow and then I was still like kind of coked up and I thought we hopped in the coke dealer's car and I'm just in some random back in some guy's car it's like a high school party and I'm like yo you got the fucking coke

the guy's like what are you talking about I'm like oh my bad my bad the worst I've had so many bad coke come downs though and like you're so cool at the party and stuff like that and then randomly I'm like please guys never let me do coke again like I feel anxious I feel horrible

this is like where's Nico at? I don't think he's uh I don't think he's coming he said he was stuck in a tunnel oh Nico Nico Nico Nico I know he says

I think we're about to be reversing out of the tunnel for the paramedics oh those tunnels are ridiculous because if you get stuck in like the middle of it It's like you're just there for the rest of your day. But it's also a great excuse. Like I feel like nobody's going to actually check if you're like,

I got stuck in a tunnel. Like I feel like your boss will not check to make sure that that actually happened. Yeah, that is a good excuse. God, I'm going to have to, when I get a job again, because I haven't had a job since last March, I'm going to have to practice my excuse making again. I got pretty good at it. Dude, especially in New York, you could easily say you got like attacked by a homeless person.

There's no, there's no way you couldn't say. You could be like, yeah, I need to go home. I need to shake it off. Yeah. People be like, yeah, that makes sense. By the way, I've been called faggot, I think, five times in the last two weeks by a homeless person. Different homeless people. And I don't know what, am I dressing a certain way?

Like, I don't know what. I don't know if it was a homeless guy last time. I might have yelled it. Yeah. I was like, you know, this guy looks like a faggot. Homeless people yelling faggot, that's pretty, that's something. Yeah, but it's like directly at me. And it keeps happening.

You know what? No one else can say faggots. You got to give the homeless that much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. What are you going to take away from a homeless guy? Excuse me? Yeah, yeah. Excuse me.

You're on fucking BuzzFeed. Who gives us shit? I'm a star, whatever, you're faggot. Yeah, I used to have a, I had, like, an issue with that because I was on the train. I saw this woman yelling at a homeless guy for, like, not wearing his mask. Yeah. And obviously, like, he screamed at her. And I'm like, what do you?

Like, she was taking those pictures of him. I was like, are you going to get them, like, fired from being homeless? Like, what do you, there's no point of that. Mm-hmm. Exactly. Are you going to. get him, he has to like move his spot. Yeah, his box. Because the biggest homeless

guy where he lives is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this bullshit? One-Eye Joe. Find another fucking bridge to hide under. Yeah, this isn't a hateful bridge, okay? Get out of here. This is an LGBT friendly bridge. I mean, it has to be. They probably all fuck each other, right?

Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. There used to be a lake by me where there was like homeless guy orgies. yeah and then I got a boat so yeah no I think it's called Lake Fairview if you live in Florida

there used to be homeless guy or she's there I don't know if they're still going on but that's that feels I assume that's a tourist attraction

to me that's something is watching homeless people fuck yeah from like the safety you're behind like a cage or something they're in a cage

yeah just sprinkle some PCP cocaine in there oh they'll be having a top that's a funny part too is like There's no way they would like be exclusive. I like the idea that you show up.

They're like, sorry, you're not our type. Yeah, no, absolutely not. Honestly, they'd like, they'd love for a girl to get in there, but they just start like one's going to show up anyways. Yeah, yeah, they'll happen. Like, yeah, no, a chick will be here eventually, guys. We just don't want her to come and see there's nothing going on. Yeah.

So, uh, let's get to fucking. Yeah, it's like when your friends try out like a pregame or something, like let's look like we're doing something. Let's make it look like we're not waiting for the girls to show up. I got a Some homeless woman offered to suck my dick One time I remember she like I was having a Jimmy John sandwich

And she's like I'll suck your dick For half that Jimmy John sandwich And I'm like I'm all right Yeah Yeah Did you give her half the sandwich anyways No no no no I'll get your bag of chips

Yeah I'll be fair What is it? Yeah What'll chips get me Yeah Well the thing I was talking about I had like a joke about this

Methods have to give the best blowjobs because they have like no teeth and just pure desperation. And that's the problem with like meth. It's like the more crystal meth you smoke, the more you lose your teeth, the better you get it's sucking dick for more crystal meth. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, never really thought of it like that.

And also, you can suck more dicks because you don't have to sleep. Yeah, that's a great point, yeah. So that's just a lot of practice while other people are getting their fucking z's, man. Yeah, you're really getting the hours. Yeah, yeah. My favorite is I had a homeless guy pitch a screenplay to me. You know what? If they were playing the piano instead of sucking dicks, they'd be a master in like six years. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they could really just focus on one thing. Yeah, that'd be interesting, like, a method. If they just gave them one thing to work on besides sucking dick.

Because sucking dick really doesn't get you that far. Because, like, even in porn, it's like, it's not about how good they suck the dick. It's about how good it looks sucking the dick. Yeah. Because, like, you have no idea, like, a Porn Star Blowjob could suck for, I mean, it doesn't look like, it looks amazing. But, like, they could be bad at it. I don't know. because they're not, they're kind of, they're not there for that guy's pleasure. Yeah, yeah, it's actually the opposite because they want to get it to last longer, so it might even be like a very uncomfortable blowjob.

How, you know, what's she going to do with her tonsils to make that happen, though? Yeah, yeah. Like, I mean, unless she's got something in her jaw or something underneath, you know, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know, maybe like. I don't see myself saying this is uncomfortable. Yeah.

No matter how hard she tries to make it so. Maybe they just have much. more guys doing others they have a gay porn scene going on so you last longer I don't know or they're like all right guys just so you know this girl might have herpes think about that yeah while your hand

picture that yeah that's wild I mean but I was saying though Idaho homeless guy pitch a screenplay to me it was so great because he goes here we go he goes nightmare on Elm Street were you wearing a suit by the way because if so I get it no no I wasn't yeah

but he goes Yeah, I am wearing my work clothes right now. I look kind of like a Jehovah Witness, especially because I have my backpack on when I go to work. So I look very Mormon-y. Oh, you do? What do you keep in your backpack? Just other clothes for, because I go straight from work to stand-up, so.

Ah, okay. Yeah. Would you think I kept my backpack? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Glock 9? Not, not for work.

Yeah. In high school, that's what I would do. Not for work yet. Yeah. They make you work one more fucking Saturday. I was I was just thinking about though yeah I had this homeless guy

he pitched his movie to me and he's like I got a screenplay idea and I'm immediately I'm like oh I'm definitely in like what is what is the idea and he goes nightmare on Elm Street two return of Freddie Kruger which I love because I was like I found out the second one came out

right after the first so this guy saw the first one and then just became homeless like immediately afterwards because like He was homeless and banned from Blockbuster video. Yeah, that's really the two things. Yeah, yeah. In 1984.

I love, there's been 13 nightmare on Elm Street or something like that. This guy has a world that he just hasn't been. But I also asked him, I was like, can I, I really, I was really curious to see, like, if he had a copy of it. He's like, nah, it's all up here. He's pointed to his head. And I was like, ah, old, reliable skull of a homeless guy. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure there's that. Guys huff and glue.

I got it. I got it. It's right up here. I'm not going to forget any of this. Yeah. It's right under the glue fumes. I saw, one time I saw this, my favorite idea of like a delusional homeless person was I saw a woman

and she was talking to herself. I found out she was on a Bluetooth later, but she was like pretending to be like, she was like a house mom and she was just talking to herself. And I'm like, I love the idea of just a completely delusional homeless woman that thinks she's going to book club, but she's just like eating trash in an alley with her friends. Like that's like the delusion.

And I think she has a Bluetooth too. Yeah. My favorite is the guy He used to be right on the street Before I moved here And he was on a banana phone Or it wasn't in a banana It was a banana

And he was pretending it was a phone And he was having like great conversations With friends and stuff It was always like a good time Yeah I don't know I haven't had much running Actually I have tons of runs With homeless people

But I don't have any stories yet So I just got here Yeah I saw one drink his own piss the other day Yeah Jesus Christ What a story Yeah

Was he trying to impress you Or Yeah He was like check this out deeds. Where? McDougal, where I'm barking all the time. That's where there's like a lot.

There's not like a lot, but like you get the most exciting ones because they're the ones that like, they're probably getting the most money so they're doing the most drugs. Also, they used to have a store there so they know the area. Yeah, very well. Yeah. People are fucked. I used to have a hemp store right down there, man. Yeah.

Now I suck my own dick for cash. Yeah. It was us to see him drink the piss because like he was, he had to. He had his alcohol container, and he had his container, and he was like, maybe it wasn't pissed, but he was pissed. Like, there's no way. It wasn't beer. It didn't, like, you know how beer you shake it? It gets really, like, was like, it was just, I'm positive.

So, you don't know, it could have been a, could have been an old Gatorade or something. It would have been weird if you put a Gatorade in a Coca-Cola bottle, though. That is, okay, it was probably pissed. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, yeah. And then he was just going nuts, and he just started, like, taking swigs of it and, like, laughing. And then, uh, he, there's another homeless guy.

They had, like, nonverbal communication. I talk about this. The other guy is just like, and then they just walked right up to each other, and they started, like, kind of dancing together, and then one just kind of, like, walked away. If we wanted to, if we wanted to put all those people away, could we? I don't know.

Where would they be? Where do we stick them? I don't know. I don't know. They're building a new Mets stadium, aren't they? Yeah, yeah, they could. Yeah, put them in the old city field. Dude, they can all pretend a real baseball game's going on. just keep them out of the streets.

They're dangerous. Yeah, they're just wielding skateboards and stuff pretending their bats. I can see. Some of them would probably pretend to be fans, too. They could have a great time. Yeah, they absolutely could. I mean, I know it's, you know,

I know it's a lot of room, but you got to do something with these homeless people. You got to do something. Yeah, it's pretty wild. Some people cannot just, they just can't live on their own. there's just no way. There's no way.

Their best friend is like a, you know, a bottle of peppercorn sauce or something. They can't. They can't just feel like, but all right, I'll get a job. I'll get a suit and tie. I'll figure this out.

God damn it. Yeah, I wonder how many people have become homeless since COVID. But I also, I feel like there's so much money in unemployment that I don't know. I guess not. It depends on what you were doing before

because I feel like if you had like a nice hat, like if you were paying a lot of money and you totally lost everything, I feel like $700 a week is not going to fix everything. Yeah. Like for me it's fine because it's more than I was making before. So like when I got unemployment, I was like, oh, fuck yeah. This is way more money than I was making.

Yeah. Yeah, same here. It was the greatest because I went to the beach and I blacked out and I woke up with more money in my account than I went to the beach with. And I was like, this is awesome. That's amazing. That's amazing. It hits strip clubs all night and you're like, holy shit, I'm in the green again. Fuck yes.

It was amazing. I bought some hat that you said weed on it because I thought it was funny. I was just wasting. When I had unemployment, I was spending it just in the worst places. Of course. I was actually pretty good about my unemployment. I saved it, like, all of it. Like, I saved it.

And that's actually how I moved New York. Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah. They gave me too much. Yeah, no, that was, yeah. I told you they were asking for it back because I bought their six flag tickets. They're asking for it back. No, no, Indian givers.

No, they didn't do that. I can't. I spent all of it. Yeah. That's what it is. I was like, you want to go talk to my drug dealer? Because that's how you're going to get it. We got to negotiate with someone named G-Stacks. But then we might be able to get Michael Good's money back. Really quickly, do you have any TVs or prescriptions that he can use? Yeah. I'm saying this. I am serious about, I think Memorial Day, I am doing Cornrose. I told you about that. Memorial Day you're doing Cornrose?

Yeah. Because I've always wanted to have them. And now that I don't care about my job, I think it's kind of the perfect time to get some in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. I was going to do Cornrose and then a mustache. Because I think that's a good look together. Yeah. What's his name? Riff Raff.

Franco did. Yeah, or Franco. Yeah, playing riffraff, like allegedly. He's getting me too now, right? Oh, big time, yeah. Yeah. He, I remember he came to our college and there's a fraternity party and he just, like, fucked, like, so many girls, apparently.

And apparently there was like a room waiting for him. And all the fraternity guys were like, that's so cool. They didn't even care that he was fucking all their girlfriends because he's like, it's James Franco, man, that's awesome. But it's great too because the university, I've talked about this in the podcast, but the university like came to like have him speak. And then he just fucked a bunch of students. Which I love the idea of his speech just being him telling people to go out and suck

strangers' dicks. He's like, you got to get out there, you know, just explore your sexuality, you know, be adults. Go try new things. James Franco after this show. It's a wonder that guy got Me Too. It's unbelievable that this guy who did a speaking engagement just to fuck some 19 year old Poon

ended up getting in trouble for sexual misconduct. Surprise, surprise. That's crazy. Yeah, I would never see that coming. God, I wish I was famous. I do that shit all the time. How are you going to meet to me? Everyone knows I'm doing this.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. It's out in the open. It's very obvious, yeah. I hold auditions online for Christ. Yeah, yeah. Hot 19-year-olds. 19. 18's too young.

19. Specifically. I'm not a fucking pervert. And 20 is a grandma. 19 is the only. It's just 19-year-olds. That's kind of like the perfectly acceptable age for like anybody to fuck. I mean, it's still like a little, like it's like 18 is like on the cusp.

Like I wouldn't judge somebody, but I'm also a piece of shit. So like if I heard somebody who's like 40 fucks an 18-year-old, I don't care. But I understand people being like, eh. And the 19's like, well, he could have gone younger. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He could have gone a year younger. He left a little bit of wiggle room there. Yeah, good for him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Give a girl a nice, another year of experience so she's ready. Yeah, that's it. To not get a phone call back from a 35-year-old who said he was an astronaut. Dude, I would love, that's a great, what's it called? You could totally say you're an astronaut, and I guarantee you girls the bar would believe it. Like, not all of them, but like. I mean, if you're smarter than them, you can pull it off.

Yeah, which is, I mean. Just ask them to do long division, and they're like, I can't. Be like, I can't. Yeah, that's why, you know, they got me. Yeah. You seem pretty smart. Yeah. You can't do it.

That's because an astronaut only an astronaut can do it. It's mostly math up there. Yeah. Just basic. Yeah, you can make it like a fake NASA idea. Nobody knows what a NASA idea looks like. You usually pretend. Yeah.

And you could use it as like a, some sort of dish. discount. I'm sure you could get into deep parts. Also, I mean, there's rules against, like, you know, saying you're a cop. But, I mean, if you're saying you're an astronaut. Nobody's going to ask for help. Yeah. And, like, you're obviously just doing it to get laid. Yeah, there's no other reason you lie. Yeah, it's not like you're doing it to, you know, to change anything.

You're just, like, you're trying to have an orgasm in a woman's body. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's almost innocent. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty close to it. It's pretty close to innocent. I mean, sure. There's a little lie there. But you know what? What is she doing fucking random guys at a tiki bar?

Yeah, exactly. She's dumb for thinking you're an astro. Like, wow. Yeah, exactly. If you trick her, good for you. Yeah, I, uh, what's saying? Yeah, I might, I might start, I mean, I have a girlfriend, but I might just tell random people I'm an astronaut for fun.

Like, I don't, like Uber drivers and stuff. Yeah. When they start to talk to you, just tell them you work for NASA. Yeah. It's big we're actually trying to get rid of you guys. Or some weird. Oh, here we go. Another fucking astronaut's going to tell me how space works.

That shit's crazy that Obama is basically saying he has no idea what UFOs. I mean, it's bullshit. He's definitely lying to us, but he's just like, yeah, we don't know what those are. I don't know. If they're admitting their UFOs, what are they going to hide from us? I don't know. I'm just hoping Trump doesn't say anything because no matter what, if he says one thing, the left is going to jump to one side and the right's going to jump to the other.

So I wanted to be nonpartisan, but... Yeah, that fucking guy He really does change everything He's so powerful Oh my God, yeah It's like whenever he says anything Then he was just hop all over And be like actually Mr. Trump

It's like just It's like have you never Like just ignored someone Yeah exactly Have you ever just ignore them? Yeah that's the funny thing Because I'm like you know you want to So like if you the second you start

Giving him more stuff It's like he's just gonna Every now and then you have like a comedian like that who like goes on like a Facebook board and he just starts starting shit for no goddamn reason. Yeah, yeah. And it's like you don't feed the animals. Yeah, yeah. Just ignore it.

Just ignore it. So Nico's not coming. No, no, no, no. Nico's just not coming. Okay. We're holding this on our, it's. It's too bad because I wanted to ask Nico some questions. What is it? His name is. Why do you bump me at my mic? Yeah. They're all just very personal.

Yeah. Nico, uh, Nico comes from like one of those countries where There's like nothing but techno and breadlines. Yeah, yeah, definitely one of those, yeah. I love the idea that you wrote all this Nico stuff to, like, riff on. You're like, this is going to be great what we talk about. I didn't write it, but I thought about it on the subway. Yeah, yeah, that's what we'll talk about his name, and then he's just not here.

I mean, you can, he's got the flat nose. The flat nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. His people came here from his country to, you know, be a bouncer at gay bars and dance clubs. I would love we just aggressively shes. chat talk Nico just fucking went at him

like really personal shit and a fucking other thing about that guy yeah went after his family yeah

fucking idiots well I think his dad his dad died so like this year of COVID so that's sad yeah

that's not excuse to be late to my podcast no it's not at all getting stuck in traffic that's bullshit yeah

Nico I'll see you next time how big guy yeah we'll we'll have them on again. But oh yeah, I was talking to you about the Trump thing

because like, that's the funny thing because the Demi Lovato came out as non-binary. And some people, it's like, people say it's like the rudest thing to say somebody's doing that

for attention because that's what people are like, oh, you can never say that. But I'm like, what if they are? Yeah, because like Trump, if he did that,

there's no way everybody wouldn't be like, oh, he's definitely doing it for attention. Like, there's no way the liberal people would be like,

we hate him, but we accept him being non-binary. They'd be like, now that dick. That would test their resolve. I really would. I'm non-binary now.

They're like, fuck. Yeah. I really liked hating that guy. Yeah, God damn it. Now I get it. Jesus, now I've got to support him. Because he also couldn't, he wouldn't have to dress any different.

That's like the whole point of it is like you don't, you can dress as a woman one day and his man the other day. And like, like, as I was talking about, like, I'm sure there are people that are non-binary. But it's just funny, like, because it's also something you could just. Are you sure?

I'm not sure there's people who are not. I guess I'm not technically sure either. percent sure i actually don't know any i know transgender people i don't know a single non-binary person uh i think i might know one nico that's right nico that's why he's late yeah and that's why he wears a fucking onesie everywhere a jumper this is pretty unisex thing just a just a jumper yeah yeah yeah you unisex you like the friday the thirteenth movies no halloween movies he got the jumper oh yeah yeah that's what i was confusing no no no i think right i think I think he has a... A lot of jumpers in horror movies.

Well, I think it's also like a jail thing because it's like they wear the jumpsuits in jail and then they like escape whatever mental institute. Oh, yeah, and then you got to paint it blue so people don't recognize you. Is that the move? I think so, yeah, yeah. I saw one time...

Honey, is that a... Oh, no, no, it's blue, never mind. Yeah, there's no way. That guy's a serial killer. No. I saw... The orange, if he was. Yeah, me and my girlfriend were driving through like New Orleans

or like outside of New Orleans. We saw a guy randomly on the side of the road It's like an orange jumpsuit. We just kept driving. We're like, oh, that's probably not good. I would have stopped and heckled him. Hey, what are you going to do? Murder me?

I'm going to drive away. You don't know who I am. Just tease him. Just tease him. He'll probably get caught eventually anyways. Yeah. I also like the idea that, I don't know, because Michael Myers is an insane asylum,

but he doesn't talk at all, but I would love to hear what he has to say. It's probably just, like, probably just picks it. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. Boca, boca, boca, boca. Yeah. The beach people go to the beach get on the beach.

That's so much less scary. Yeah, than just not talking. Hey, wait, I hear mumbo-jumbo talk. Let's get out of here. Just him standing with a knife. Yeah, he could be. I mean, he isn't insane person, but that's a, I feel like serial killers. We always just, like, yeah, I don't know.

We think of them as very intelligent, but I don't know. There's got to be some stupid ones. Um, isn't Jason, Jason has Down syndrome, right? He's definitely a slow one. Yeah. Well, though, like, at the movie, I think the point of the movie was he was like a kid with Down syndrome and he, like, drowned in the water. Yeah. Because apparently they don't know how to swim.

No. I guess nobody does until they're taught in how to swim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, then again, you know, I, I, there's definitely something wrong with him. Like, I think his mom was, like, drinking the womb or something because, you know. And then she blames the camp counselors for having sex and their kid drowning, but it's like, You were drinking while you. Yeah.

I mean, you fucked your cousin. Really? Really? Oh, because we didn't watch him. That's why he's nine feet tall. Has gills.

The brain of a four-year-old. Yeah. Perfect killing machine. Just because I was getting some pussy. Yeah. Go back in the lake and work on your shapes, retard. Yeah. We don't have to put up with this shit.

Yeah, that's what he... How did he grow, though? Because he was pushed in as a kid, but he comes out as a grown man. Evil magic. I hate movies like that, just don't explain it. No, I mean, the whole idea the Jason movies are they're stupid. Yeah.

That's the whole idea. The best one is the second one where he kills that guy in a wheelchair. It's a wonderful scene. A wonderful scene. I haven't seen that. I remember that. That happens to Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I don't remember it.

Yeah, but when he killed the guy in the wheelchair, did he, like, wheeled down a flight of stairs and then crash? Is that how it happens at the second? It's pretty hilarious. That was pretty funny. Yeah. Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the new one that killed someone in a wheelchair? I think it was the old one.

The guy's name was like Franklin or something? I haven't seen that one of years. I looked it up. Answer. Jason was, went alive, a slightly retarded kid. This is it slightly. Slightly retarded. How did he get more retarded?

Wait, wait, wait. He wasn't a deformed creature from the Black Lagoon, but that's how movies are made. What? This is Wikipedia. That's very strange. Dude, honestly, now that Jason seems a little less threatening now that I know he's retarded.

Yes. All right, so we're going to put some skittles in a bear trap. Got him. We got him. We're going to put WrestleMania on the TV. I think he'll show up. Yeah, because that was the first movie, right? The mom was killing.

Yeah, the Jason wasn't even in the first one. Like, everybody thinks it's Jason, but it was really his mom. was his mom. Yeah, yeah. I remember we used to watch those as his kids just because there was tits in him, but you had to watch it

and, like, pause it, because you always knew when their girls' tits were out, she was about to get murdered. And then cock block would fucking show up and ruin it, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. But you'd have to, like,

I remember as a kid. You're watching this movie just to see some young girls have sex, right? Next thing you know. Fucking idiot comes, duh, murder, my mom.

Yeah. It ruins all of it. But I remember you had to pause at the right time because, like, we had safe block on our computers. We couldn't watch porn. So we had to watch, like, movies to see tits. But you'd have to pause it because you're like, all right, I got to pause it. Because in the next three seconds, she's not going to have a head. So I can only jerk off to it before she's beheaded.

So it was a very intricate process. Oh, yeah. Should have saved up for an iPad. Yeah. No, once I got a PS3, that's when my parents caught me watching some sort of porn, but it was weird. Because I was just curious. I looked up, like, pointed boobs. It was like a weird thing with just a triangular-shaped tits.

I don't know. It's strange. It's not disgusting, but it's a little weird. That's pretty weird, yeah. Triangle titties. Yeah, I was like, I don't know. People in the geometry, I guess. Yeah, I remember when I discovered videos, because I was watching pictures at first.

This is cool. And I never even thought about videos to somebody showed me. I'm like, ah, that makes a lot more sense. The moving pictures. Yeah. Wow, what do I think of next? Yeah. You went leaving the room for a second.

But I remember as a kid it was gay to watch straight porn. Like, people were like, dude, I remember like in middle school, people were like, dude, I only watched lesbian porn because I'm not a fucking queer. They're like, dude, this dude's dick in it. That's gay. That was just like the thing. They're like, not only two chicks and, I don't know, a dildo. What if one of them's got a dick?

It's acceptable. Well, that's, I've heard this argument. This is not my argument. The argument is that trans women with dicks fucking cis women is the straightest porn. because, I mean, because you're... First of all, if you're calling it the straightest porn, you're gay. Yeah, I guess, yeah. If that's how you're resolved, I know this is the straightest thing someone can do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking jerk off to this with football pads on. Well, because it's like, the whole concept is they're saying, well, if you watch a porn with a guy fucking a girl, imagine that dude has tities. That's like the whole argument there. It's not my argument. I'm not crediting, by the way.

I think it was a Harvard scientist that coined that. No, I heard it. it on a different podcast, but that is the argument. A different podcast. No, on some other fucking faggots podcast, I didn't say it. I didn't say it. What are you looking to me like that for? I didn't say it. I remember I asked some guy in the audience at the show.

I was like, what kind of porn he watched the guy? Just like, straight. Like the most serious of that is definitely. Watched gay porn, but. Yeah, definitely. He's seen it a couple of times. Yeah. Well, who hasn't? We used to have that thing called Meat Spin. I think, it was a, or no, phone trace was the original one. So it was called phone trace.com

and it was like a map of the world and it's like just typing your phone number and starts zooming in and zooming in and it just cuts to two dudes butt fucking. Let's play like techno music or something. That's a hilarious prank. Oh my God, it was the best. But I remember I heard about they did to some kid at our school and I guess he started

like crying because he went to the bathroom and then he came back and there's just like hardcore gay porn. He's like, I swear it's not mine. I swear it's not mine just crying. That's such a good prank. That is really fucking good. Yeah. Yeah.

You think you're seeing something like the latest technology there is, and it's just gay dudes fucking. That's a prank. I might start playing on my friends. I might get some gay porn magazines. Just throw them in their apartment and then just just pull that out. What the fuck is this?

Or just like, especially, you have to deal with friends that have girlfriends. Wait, wait, wait. A gay porn magazine? They're like, what's this dude? You're fucking gay in 58? I didn't fucking know that. He's like, I swear I'm just gay. It's not.

I'm not middle-aged man. But, like, I would, dude, if you did that to one of your friends, you could really have some serious, like, relate. Like, if he had a girlfriend and then you just, like, hid gay porn throughout his apartment, like, there's no way she's going to believe him. My friend broke it. Oh, yeah, your friend broke in. Oh, yeah. Michael, who has a job. Broke into your apartment.

Put gay porn everywhere. Sure. Sure. Oh, yeah. No, he talks about it on his podcast. I'm willing to bet he does. Honey, just listen. Just listen.

That's, that's, I'm going to do that to somebody. Like, there's no, but the problem is then you have to buy gay porn and then. Yeah, you got to put on like a hat and glasses. Yeah. That's not overgoating. Who's the greatest thing to go to gay porn store with like? Just the biggest disguise. Hi.

I'd like to purchase some gay pornography, please. I'm totally not a straight guy pulling a prank I'm gay like you guys I'm really really gay and shave my legs and such and like machiados and jean shorts

really short ones that is that's the way I'm gonna do that I think it's a good prank yeah yeah you gotta do movies you can't do the magazines

no yeah that'll be too weird yeah that uh yeah that's I don't see that going wrong so I mean, where's a gay porn store?

Because here's the thing. Porn stores are kind of like, okay, no, you don't want that in your neighborhood. But if it's like a woke neighborhood, they won't mind a gay porn store. Yeah, it's kind of like classier in a way. Yeah. Oh, a gay porn store. Yeah. Oh, what a good neighborhood.

Yeah. Property value must be high. Yeah. Straight, disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting! Disgusting! Children live in this neighborhood.

Yeah. Yeah, they need to see two dudes butt-fucking. That's what's. teaches him tolerance. Yeah. No, son, you're going to watch this gay porn. You're going to watch it. No son of mine's going to be a homophobe.

Yeah. These men love each other, okay? There's nothing wrong with this. The man who's peeing on the other, that's love right there. That is love. Oh, making fun of the gays. I hope they have a podcast where they're making fun of us like this. I mean, that'd be pretty funny.

If they're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, I'm going to go get some pussy. Ha ha ha, fucking idiot. I want that to exist, though. I'm going to watch football and drink chorus light. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I have a... I love how I have a note. I keep getting called a faggot.

It's like in my notes of like, if we run out of things to talk about. We already went through it, though. Macaroons. Yeah, already, already covered that. The Floating Island, I'm excited for that. Have you seen that thing? Yes, I have.

It's been covered. out for like year. Maybe that's where they're putting the homeless people. They're just going to chain it. They just get the coolest thing ever. Yeah. Fuck. I can see that they open it up and then just put like a top on it like in the Simpsons movie and just trap all the homeless people in there.

It's one way to deal with it. Yeah. It's one way to deal with it. So that's going to be like a floating pool kind of thing, right? I don't think there's any water. It's like a, it looks like a bunch of golf teas with grass on top in the water. Yeah, it looks very cool. but they kept saying it was,

today is like the first day at open, which I don't know. It's probably going to be pretty crowded for the, like, first, but I don't know what's going to stop people

from jumping off like the sides of it, though. Yeah. Besides them opening, I feel like that was their way to get people to stop killing themselves to slowly open up more and more stuff.

Oh, by the way, did you see the Cuomo thing where somebody was like during the fucking interview, you know he has those press conferences? I don't like to talk politics that much, but I run out of things to talk about. This woman's like,

didn't you spend $5 million on your, your book deal. And he goes, shut up. That's a stupid question. He literally said, that's a stupid question. I'm moving on. Five, was that taxpayer money? I don't know. I'm so curious. I know his brother, they had, he's getting a trouble too because his brother, like the other Guido. Oh, the other, yeah, I know all about the other wops. He, um, Hey, yo, I'm here to do the news. I forget about it. The Fredo thing is still my favorite. How he said it's the N-word for Italians. Yeah. That's like,

calling a black guy the N word. Is it really Fredo? Is this a hate crime? Frado? Get the fuck out of here. Dude, if I see any of them, I won't show back. I mean, I'm part Italian, but it doesn't matter. I don't, anybody can call Italians. It's fun.

It's really fun. They're the last. I have like 10 minutes on Italians in my act, and it's not even like, it's not even like I'm trying to make it sound ironic. I just go at them. Like, I really hate them. And everyone laughs. It always crushes.

It just always destroys because you can make fun of Italians. It's just fine. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like the way people see it like, well, if we don't make fun of Italians, we'll make fun of black people. So let's just make fun of Italian. Yeah, it's the best way to deal with it.

We're not going to make fun of Puerto Ricans or anyone else, just Italians. Yeah, yeah. Puerto Ricans are weirdly, like, it used to be that Asians and Indians, I feel like you could make fun of them more, but then all the hate crimes started happening. So now Asians, like, that's more sensitive. I feel like it used to be like black people or the group, that you have to be the most careful making jokes about.

And then Asians were like the last. But now it's like black people, then Asians. And then Puerto Ricans are, I feel like somewhat acceptable. Like, it's a- Mexican's a little tough. You know what it is? Puerto Ricans is just a fun word to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A bunch of Puerto Ricans, you know what I'm saying? It sounds funny, yeah, yeah. It's just okay. Yeah, yeah. It's got the hard consonant. It's perfect for a joke. Yeah, yeah, it kind of makes sense. Yeah.

You know, it doesn't work there with like, oh, a bunch of people from Singapore. Like, it doesn't work the same. And blacks are just, sounds harsh. Black sounds really hard. You're like, whoa, where's this going? Much of blacks.

Blacks. You know what I'm saying, right? Blacks. Yeah, it sounds very negative. And then Asians, but Asians even sound soft. Like, it doesn't sound like it's good.

It sounds like you're going to say something positive. You say Asians, like it doesn't sound like you're about to say something negative. No. Not at all. Chinese, Japanese. Yeah, blacks is harsh.

Jews can be harsh, but also cannot be harsh. Yeah, yeah. Blacks, yeah. I mean, it should be fine to say blacks. It should be okay to be a bunch of blacks. For some reason, yeah. It just isn't.

Yeah, because we're like, yeah, blacks. If you say whites, then you can't. You can say blacks and whites. That still sounds weird. Like, I used to have that issue with papers in college because I'd be like the blacks. I'm like, oh, that doesn't sound. Blacks.

This is just math class. Why? We don't even write papers in here. I'm sorry about that, my mistake. The Blacks by Michael Good. A geometry assignment. This is a 32-page paper just about. A lot of pictures here.

A lot of pictures of skulls and then being measured. Michael. I have to report this. A positive phrenology is a math study, right? Yeah. I remember Donald Trump said he goes, I got a great relationship with the blacks because everyone's saying he's racist,

he goes, I got a great relationship with the blacks. It's like, you must if you can call him the blacks. It's a pretty good relationship. The blacks. Yeah, it definitely sounds. Like Jews, if you say Jews, it's okay. So then you go Jews. That's bad.

Yeah, it is all the time. Jews. Jews. Yeah, yeah. Jews. But also the thing I was, it's funny about black people, because there's no other race that people try to emulate.

So there's Asian kids that want to be black. There's white kids that want to be black. There's Puerto Rican kids that want to be black. But I think there's some overlap with that. Everyone wants to wear a du rag, but they don't wear a yellow one. So Puerto Ricans are not being emulated. Yeah. It's, yeah, black people want to be emulated more than anyone else.

Yeah, like you never see like a white kid walking out, but like he always saw it, like doing like a Chinese. Oh, how well. If you do, that he's an animal. It's just a neighborhood I grew up in. I'm just being the wheel of me. This is who I really am. That would be so funny. There's a white kid who grew up in an all Chinese neighborhood.

Because that happens with white kids that grow up in black neighborhoods. They start talking like black people. They have that like, I mean, at that point it's not even black people because Puerto Ricans have the same, like Asian kids in that neighborhood. It all talks the same. But that doesn't happen with other cultures. Like you don't see like a white kid grows up in Chinatown. He's got a bull cut. Just like the most offensive

Just over the top People like this is not cool He's like no that's just how he talks It's how he grew up He works at a Chinese restaurant down the street He picks up cans On the side of the road all the time He puts in drag

Oh shit That's funny That's so funny Because it's like you wouldn't That would just never That would be so absurd to see but it's so common to see white people that act black. I don't know why that bugs me a lot,

white people that try to act like super black. No. I think it's silly. Yeah, but it's like, there's a level to it because I think if it's like, if it's over the top, it's kind of funny,

but the weird is like the in between, like, if somebody's being a dick in doing it, that's it pisses me off, like a white guy that's like, dude, I'm so fucking tough. It's like,

you're not tough. You're just pretend, you literally have to, you don't know who you are as a person. And now you're like, but there's a balance, right? Because I think there are white people

born in all black neighborhoods and they have somewhat of the same like culture but like that's not the extreme of somebody who like you can clearly tell went to like private school and then randomly they just Yeah we had a kid in Plymouth who said he was a Crip He used to wear blue all the time

Yeah I used to call him Bluey Just to give you an idea of how not a Cripp he was I used to call him Bluey And did nothing about it It was fucking insane Yeah yeah Plymouth is a very nice town Really? Yeah there's a couple

There's some poor areas, but for the most part, it's like a really, really nice rich parts in town. And just to have two crips and no bloods in Plymouth. Well, it's because they're controlling the territory. That's why you have no bloods. That's right. They're holding their stand and pat. No one even wears red in there.

I think it's funny that can't crips like not, or bloods can't say anything that search to the sea. Like say word cookies, they have to say bookies. No. Yeah, it's like some crazy rule. It's like they're getting hazed or something. I don't know. That's very silly.

Let me look that up. I mean, that's silly, but it's also silly to shoot someone because they're wearing a blue shirt. Yeah. We have some blood listeners, though, so if you could not. Oh, well, I represent... Can't say C. Bloods disrespect Crips by crossing out the sea and calling Crips crabs. They still say C, though.

Yes. Oh, wait, this is a video of blood that says can't say C. Oh, I think it's a sketch, never mind. When you look it up? I just got booked in Newport, Newport, met Rhode Island. Now that I don't live there, they can't book me enough. Oh, yeah.

Massachusetts and Rhode Island, dude, yeah. I mean, Florida's like that where, like, everybody wants out of town people because they just book the same people all the time, and then it's like, yeah. Yeah, I mean, but here's the thing. I mean, Boston, Rhode Island are such, they're like, Boston's a really big scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it used to be, like, the best comics in the world came out of Boston. I would say almost, I mean, my favorite comics all came out of there. Man, me too, actually. Patrice. Besides Chappelle, but like everybody else. Besides Dave Attell for me. He's not from Boston?

No, he's from Long Island. Oh, I didn't know that. I thought he's from Boston. Did he do any Boston? No, he performed at the Boston Comedy Club bunch, but I think they started opening up to non-Boston people. Yeah, yeah, no, he's from New York. He's from Long Island.

He got his start at Governors. Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, there's that. But, like, Bill Burr, Nick DePaolo, Louis C.K., Patrice O'Neill, all those guys from fucking Boston. Those guys are, you know. Joe Rogan? Joe Rogan, yeah.

Joe Rogan. Who else is from Boston? Dan Cook. Jay Leno's from Boston, so is Conan O'Brien. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were fucking dominating Light Night for a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have a carrot top.

Florida Daniel Tosh And Todd Barry Oh yeah Yeah Yeah yeah yeah And Larry the cable guy He's from Michigan

Then Florida My girl My girlfriend My sister I hate that I mix those two things up That's a bad mix up No no it's fine There's a porn genre for you

So don't worry about it She was on Caratop like lives in my parents' neighborhood And my sister like jumped on his boat The other day He was like a rainbow boat I think he's gay Or bisexual

Caratop Yeah He's always come off a little fruity Yeah Yeah, yeah. A little vegetable, yeah. Yeah. But people, I feel like people get bothered by him because he wears, like, he'll wear his, like, he wears very thin shorts and you'll have him hanging out. So you just see so much dick root.

So he'll just run around the neighborhood, basically, just showing his dick. And he's got a lot of money. So people are like, you know, we can't do anything about it. He's just going to flash our kids, but he's Caratop. What are you going to do? That's Caratop. He runs this town. Yeah.

That's funny. The idea of Caratop Just he can just show his dick Whenever he wants. Yeah. That's how we're He um That's got to suck though if you

Has he ever lost? I feel like I heard a story about him like losing his props one time And he was just like fucked. Uh, yeah That's the thing about being a prop comic As soon as I want to take, Dude honestly you could probably take his props And like hold him for ransom if you want

Yeah, he would have to pay a pretty decent amount. Yeah, he's like you spend so much time. For God's saying. I make $70,000 a night I make like $10,000 a night in Vegas with those, all right, I'll give you $2,000. Yeah, that's tough. It is tough. Oh, well, what are you going to do?

Yeah. Who's more respectable as a comic, him or Jeff Dunham? Oh, him, I think, at least for me, I've actually watched him characters, I'm like, oh, someone's actually pretty funny. Jeff Dunham, though, I just racist puppets. They are really racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know if I mentioned this to you, but I said on the podcast. about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the chili pepper on a steak. Yeah, it was just Mexican. It's not even a person. Yeah, it's a chili pepper. Can you imagine it was like a black guy? It was just like a chicken wing or something? What if they told people told him his props are offensive? So he just started doing like the characters himself. Like he just didn't understand what was wrong with. He's like, oh, I'll do blackface and be the pip guy. Yeah, it's not a big deal. Yeah, okay. I don't even need the puppets. Yeah, yeah. How's it going on?

No, no, we didn't say you now be those characters. For this next joke, I'm going to be a Pimp from Atlanta. Pulls out some rouge. I'm surprised he doesn't have a Chinese puppet. I feel like that would be like right up his alley. Yeah. And right up his audience's alley too. Oh my God.

Hello, my name is Ping Ling Sing. Bing, Bing, Bing, ding. You know, everyone's going nuts. Yeah, they're like he's amazing. Jeff Dunham, Chinese puppet. Oh, hello. I come to your country and take your job. The goddamn run.

They're all like fucking redneck. I actually love that guy. Oh my God, yeah. What, um... No, he doesn't have a Chinese. That's weird. No, no Chinese. He's not taste of China.

I don't know. The one, the terrorist, he's a dead one, right? So, like, he died in, like, a suicide bombing, and now he's, like, a skeleton. Yeah. It's kind of fucked up, but it's kind of funny. Yeah, I guess so. I don't know who the purple guy.

He's just a monster or something. I don't know. I think he's, you know, to make fun of retarded people. I know. He has a specific puppet for that, too. I think. Oh, is the, does he have a puppet with a nail in its head? It's like, then it can't think.

He has something like that. It's, it's rough. I don't know what the purple puppet is. The peanut is just a monster. Yeah, I don't know what that is. But I think we're probably going to call it here. Where can they find you online? They can, you can follow me on all social media at Fuck City, USA.

Awesome. All right. That was it.