Morning Good - You Shouldn't Say The Word Crazy - Episode 33

Episode Date: July 11, 2021

Big thanks to Artan and Jake for continuing to come back on the show. Make sure to follow them and check out all the shows they have coming up in NYC. Artan is on Instagram @artan_x and Jake on Instagram @jake_timothy.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Yeah, I like Indian people as well. All right, we're starting now. What up? I'm also not raised. There is something about, like, I love, like, I'm gonna

I sound gay on every episode every episode I listen to him like there's some of the sounds gay but like there's something cool about like a punk rock Indian guy who's like I don't give a shit he's like I'm not what you expect me to be Like an emo Indian?

Yeah yeah Or like like the dude from Harold and Kumar Like that kind of like yeah I smoke weed dude Oh yeah Yeah Yeah but it's also just Of you to be like

Oh you're going against the grain Yeah yeah exactly Yeah just too soon Oh absolutely You're not like trying to be a doctor or something Yeah It's so cool. I thought all of you guys were, yeah.

There's a lot of us, man. Some of us are fucking stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess. I like when white guys go against the grain and just fucking... Don't shoot up high schools? Listen to their parents. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, edgy, dude.

Yeah, yeah. So we're here with Jake Timothy and Arden X. Hell yeah, dude. Eat him. Yeah, yeah. I was trying to figure out, do you guys know what she, they is? I'm trying to understand it. I think it's when you just go.

with both. You're cool. But then why wouldn't it be they them? But they also are fine with she, her, whatever? Yeah, yeah. So I think when someone says they're like, she they or he they, I think they're saying like,

you could call me either this pronoun or if you're, if you're more comfortable not using like gendered language, you can say they them. Okay. So I think it's not really about their identity so much as like just trying to be part

of the community. Yeah, that makes sense. You know? Yeah. They're all about it. Which, like, it seems like a nice thing, but I would imagine it's, like, rooted it a little more. Yeah, yeah, I guess, yeah. All my Republican listeners are killing themselves right now.

Damn it again. Every episode, well, no, I'm apolitical. It's so funny because I forgot to vote for mayor. And then I just decided then, I was like, I got to stick by this. I'm not into politics anymore. It wasn't like I made a conscious decision. I forgot to do it. And I'm like, all right, now I can't care this year.

Because, like, where's is, like, somebody who didn't vote. And then it's constantly complaining. They're like, oh, this shit's stupid. It's like, you know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. I mean, dude, I didn't even fucking know about it until we were in, um, when Eli and I were in Pittsburgh, people were like, who's going to be your next mayor? I was like, oh, fucking know.

Yeah. Is that going on right now? This is like the only city that actually matters, too. Like, no other cities that does not matter at all. This, it could be bad. Um, especially with COVID. I think that's when you realize, like, oh, shit, mayors actually really decide, like my day-to-day life.

Yeah, because you see them all the time now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're popping on the TV. Oh, yeah. because like the COVID crisis managing it involved so much kind of like bureaucracy and planning within a city like where are we going to have a

vaccination site or where are we going to? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when they brought in that fucking like the medical boat, like the Navy hospital boat. We thought that was a great. Didn't everybody on to get COVID? Everyone was like cheering like it's fucking we're doing it. We're saving New York and then like they had like

13 patients on it. And it just went back. that's like a South Park episode just like watching the ship leave yeah those are weird times I want to talk about what you came here to talk about though

yes I have something to share as he unbuckles his belt show you my pen yes by the way it's 6 a.m. right now Michael Good makes his wake up so fucking early to do his podcast I had everybody sleep over I just get here the night before so we could get to it early

CEO lifestyle wearing a suit right now. This is my last week of work. He has eight mugs of coffee in front of him. But when is your last day? Friday. Okay. Should I go out with a bang?

Do something crazy? Jesus. Someone's going to listen to this. Call your word. Oh, Tino. Yeah, wait. I want to talk about that real quick. We were just talking about it.

So we know this homeless guy. He's very funny. So half his Instagram is just him with hookers. And like, it's that kind of those sketches where it's just like. I don't think he's actually homeless. Yeah, he is. Tina's homeless? He told me he's homeless.

He's told me he's on stage talking about how he's homeless. Oh, wow. I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Anyways. Yeah.

Jay. But, yeah. No problem with that? So he posts his video. Most of his videos are like those kind of sketches where it's just him with like strippers or like cam girls and like you know those kind of videos where it's like a guy cheating on his girlfriend and the girlfriend walks in. But really the whole point of the video is just so a girl with a big ass like sits on your lap.

A lot of those videos. But there's still, he's still very funny. A lot of tits and ass. But he posted this viral video, which is him on the subway, and he just goes up and shits in the MTA workers. Mop bucket. Mop bucket. And then like almost fights the guy. And then goes back and then finishes his shit in the thing. And now it's like viral. Yeah, yeah. My friends were sending me memes of it before I even knew, because I didn't, the first time I saw it, I didn't know it was Tino. I looked like him, but then I was like, maybe I'm just being racist. I found out I'm wrong. It actually is him. Oh, yeah. My friends are sending me like memes made about the video.

And I was like, I couldn't watch it because when you sent it to me, I didn't have internet. Oh, yeah. So I was just like, oh, I guess this is like, whatever the video is is like pretty insane. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I watched it. I was like, oh, that's staged. Yeah, yeah. Now you're like, wait, no, I know the guy. It was not staged. That guy's a fucking maniac.

And even like hearing it's a stand-up comedian, you would think, oh, it's 100% stage. But Tino is crazy. Oh, yeah, yeah. would just fucking say film this and I'm about to do something weird. What do you just gave the camera to it to a wrist? He's like, can you take a picture of me real quick? Actually, we should put the video on. I just want to end and just sit there like, I don't know what to fucking do.

That would be a good prank. Oh, man. Yeah, that shit was really funny. That got me going. One time he did a set at the pair and, uh... Oh, is this one, he broke the mic? Yeah, he was like, I don't know why he was jumping on and off the stage and jumping backwards. And he did it like, he wanted to trip and fall.

because he was doing it enough times where he was like, I just want to fall. I want to fall. And then he does it. And then he lands on the mic stand and just breaks it in half. And he's like, shit, I don't have to pay for that. And then he ends his set. That's how he closes. He's a crazy guy. I can't believe he didn't break the stage.

Yeah, yeah. That's a week stage. He hits just the end of it. No, he's a big dude. Man, I just wonder what happened with that. Now the guy's mop bucket, it just has pooping it. I mean, I bet wherever they like, fill up and dump out the mop bucket is like a pretty disgusting whole. Oh yeah. You could just pour human shit down there. Yeah, I'm sure there's already shit there.

Yeah, yeah. So what happened to you? Okay. So have you ever had after a show, an audience member, come up to you and like tell you they didn't like your set? No, and we were just talking about it. You've never had that? I've never, it's so people always surprised with me because I feel like I say so fucked up things sometimes. I never had it once. Oh, yeah, you say like some pretty crazy shit. Yeah, yeah. There had a single person ever have an issue with it. It's, I think the only time... I was expecting you to be like, oh, yeah, totally.

No, never. That's crazy. Wild shit. I've never had it happen once. You never had someone, like, kind of give you, like, a shitty glance or something? No, I mean, like, I've had people during my set. I guess that's the difference. I've had people during my set.

Like, one time I had this kind of grosser joke I was doing, and I was in Long Island. And the guy literally, it sounded like somebody spilled coffee on his lap. He was like, oh, ah, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop. He was like, no. Stop. Which I don't. His imagination is so good.

He's like, stop saying word. Yeah. You're smelling. Oh, God. He's like, oh, I'm there. I'm there. I'm in the scene. Oh, no.

I felt like, that's the, yeah, if I had people like verbally, but that I had no idea how to respond to. I was like, I can't be like, no, I'm going to keep going. Because it's just weird. It was also like ambush. comedy where like it's a music open mic in Long Island and then they're like this guy's can tell jokes. Oh, okay.

Which normally I do well at because I don't know, I'm not great. I don't know. I don't know. I'm fucking sick at comedy is what I'm saying. But yeah, normally that goes well. But I've also had people like, I had the old blackface joke I did. People said it was racist. If you don't know, it's not.

I don't actually do blackface in the joke. It's just like a dumb joke about like it's so stupid. I don't even do the joke anymore. But the joke used to be like, oh, my. My girlfriend wants me to reenact the porn she watches. I want to look like the guys in the videos, but I'm not comfortable doing blackface. And somebody just heard that. Somebody was talking to the whole set, and they heard blackface.

They're like, that's racist. But like, that's all, like, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, but that kind of shit happens. I've never had somebody come up to me afterwards and be like, I had a problem with your. That's a funny joke, by the way. I've never heard that one. Thank you. People told me it's hacky, so I toss it out eventually, but.

What about you? Have you ever had? Just on stage, same thing. Never, like, after a show, walk up to me and be like, I didn't like what you said about this that just only on stage. I remember at the park. When we did the outdoor stuff, I made like a Holocaust, like alluding

to a Holocaust joke. And a guy just said, I don't know, he was like one of the fucking weirdos, like hippies in the park. It was just like, not cool, dude, not cool. But, yeah, never like a normal person coming up to me and being like,

I don't like your material. Yeah, yeah. I never had. I don't say crazy shit, though. Yeah. Yeah, but I feel like, Jake is also like you say in such a like like I've never heard you say anything that I'm like like what was I'm just curious like

you definitely have like jokes that are on topics like that but it's not like your angle you're you don't really play heel as much you don't mean you're not like oh fuck these you know what I mean like yeah this has happened three times to me I've had three people come up to me and be like I didn't like your set and like this is why

and like get really angry about it what was the first the first one the second one is boring It was just a woman being like, I didn't like fucking set. Like finger to finger. I was like, whatever. The first one was I used to be like when I like just started doing shows instead of mics. I used to be like way more open mic or like say like the most fucked up thing you can think, whatever.

And so I did like a pedophile joke on stage. Oh, I like that one. Yeah. Was it the one where it's like, oh, sorry, I didn't know you're cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's like clearly you're joking. Like, I think you're such a precise speaker that everybody, you speak so clearly that it's like very obvious when you're joking and when you're not. That's why it bothers me. And I think you frame everything perfectly so that it's, well, yeah, I'll get to, like, I know why it bothered her. Okay. But this, so when I did that, that was like two years ago. I did this, that pedophile joke. And it's like, like, after the show, it was like a 6 p.m. show and I go to say goodbye to one of the guys. And the pair used to have like two.

Russian guys do comedy there every Friday. And they were like, they're not comedians. They're just like two like super rich Russian guys who want to do it. Yeah. And so they get like one spot a week. And they were, they would both bomb and just do terribly. But they would bring all of these like other Russian people there. So I like went up.

I did my set. I was waiting outside. What a group of people? By the way, you just can't really say no to. I feel like Russian people, you're like, just let them. And they're like fucking... really intimidating Russian people. They're for real.

They're not like just, you know, like American Russians. They're like from Russia. And like, I went to go say goodbye to one of the Russian guys and be like, hey, man, it's fun show. See you next week, whatever. And he was sitting with people that he brought. He was sitting with like this like probably like 65 year old man with like he had like a really clearly like his haircut. was like really taken care of.

Like it was really important to him that his hair looked a certain way and his beard was trimmed and he had like neck tattoos and shit and he was like big and then his like girlfriend was next to him and she was like 24 years old. Yeah, that's immediately pictured.

Super hot, blonde like huge tits, whatever. And so the girl looks at me and she's just like I like look, don't even look at her. I'm looking at the comedian and like thanks for coming out. I'll see you next week.

And she just looks at me and she goes, hey, I hated your set. I just want you to know I hated it. And I was like, and what you're supposed to do is not, you can't be ridiculous. Yeah. Can't be like, what's the word? Ridiculous is not the right way. Well, how are you going to win that argument? You can't actually you liked it.

You know, I mean, there's no way. You can't, you can't get angry and shout. You just got to be like, whatever. So I was like, I was like, oh, that's too bad. Yeah. I'm sorry I didn't like the show. And she's like, no, I loved the show. I didn't like your set.

I was like, oh, what didn't you like? She's like, I didn't like the pedophile joke. Thought it was disgusting. You can't say stuff like that. And I was like, okay, well, everyone was laughing. She said, if you know, I'm dating a pedophile. No, I do want to pause for a second. I know somebody who did a set in L.A.

And they literally told him, they're like, don't make pedophile jokes because we have recovering pedophiles at the show. And I'm like, all right. The only time I've gotten a warning was when I went to Harlem. And there was like an audition. And the guy running the auditions said, all right, you could talk about anything. You could say the N-word. You could, like, talk shit.

He told you you could say the N-Wood. He said it to the group. It was like all most, like 90% black comics. Well, that changes the context. That he's like, pardon, you go out there, rip it, rip it and bomb. I think someone said that like, him too. Yeah. But the one thing he said, don't talk about the kids in cages.

For some reason, that was like, don't talk about that. You could talk about women. You could say whatever the fuck you want, curse. Don't talk about kids in cages, though. That's weird. That's a weirdly specific. I know, exactly. That's why it was so strange.

What about kids in basements? It's just like just the kids at the border. He was all, yeah. Oh, that's a weirdly. Maybe somebody had their kid at the book. I don't know. Back to what you were saying this. So she didn't like-

We performed for kids in cages. Some of the proud of children in cages. Yeah. Oh, man, these kids are bummers. They won't laugh at anything. They don't even speak English. Can we get a translator? What were you? So they didn't like the joke.

Didn't like the joke. Yeah. And I was like, I'm sorry. And then she was going in. And I was just like being polite. I was like, well, I'm sorry. I didn't like it. I'm a gram of my coffee. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have more coffee? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. She was like, um, she's just like, yeah, I didn't, whatever, like trying to get me to get angry at her. And then her, I saw her husband behind her, just like staring me down. I was like, all right. So you, this is what you do. You just go and get. in arguments and then watch your husband beat the shit out of people. And so I was just polite to them and then I left. And then the next day, the Russian comedian guy came up to me and he was like, hey, I'm

sorry about that. My friends are actually really cool. Like you just met them at the wrong time. I was like, this definitely not true, man. Like, no way. Yeah. Yeah, that's annoying. Yeah, I've never had anything like that afterwards.

Like, sometimes I'll even bomb and sometimes people like are like, I really enjoyed that. I'm like, what? Like that'll Yeah, that happens a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think they genuinely liked it. They just don't want to laugh out loud. Especially if no one else is laughing,

they feel like I don't want to be the only one person laughing. Yeah, yeah. No, that's definitely hard. And then I think also like, I don't know, but the worst is when people are like, hey, listen, it's not easy up. Like, I've had that happen where I bomb really hard. They're like, just the facts you're doing it, you know,

really says a lot. That's what's insulting. It's not easy up there and be like, have you done comedy? Be like, no. Yeah. How do you know? Yeah. Dean David said something to me that I like really, I think about all the time where he was like,

they're honestly, they're just amazed that you can like talk. Yeah. If you're on stage and you're talking and you're not like sweating, they're like impressed by that. Yeah, yeah. They might not love the jokes at all. They might not laugh at all. You might bomb totally. But like, yeah.

But like just settle into the fact that like they're impressed by you talking. Yeah, yeah. And they came here for comedy most of the times. Like they want to, they're on your side. Yeah, more often than not, they're there to listen to you. Yeah, yeah. They'll sit back and listen. I had a host bring me up at the pair a few days ago.

Because you're talking about like when they see you on stage, they have a respect for you. Like, oh, this person's doing something cool. They brought me up as like this person sold you tickets. He was out there barking, arf, arf, arf. And literally he said that. And I'm standing there like, what the fuck? Yeah, that's a word. Like they're just going to like, oh, this next comic's a dummy.

Feel bad for him. He sells tickets. Arf, he's a barker. Jesus Christ Trying to be cute and shit Yeah it's a door It's so uncomfortable Well people

It's so funny I remember I bombed one time Like an open mic He was like a music open mic And the host did that shit to her She's like hey guys listen Comedy's not so easy Okay

And you're like Oh god You made it so much worse Like as if that always be like Yeah You know what it is hard You know what I'm gonna go It's like no

It should so condescending I like when people hear That pedophile joke Because I know what it is And sometimes Because the joke is like you go somewhere where the age of consent is lower and your friends are like,

oh no, it's cool, it's 15 here. Some people in the audience will be like, yeah, they'll like the joke for like the opposite reason. Yeah, I'm saying it's a bad thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 15, woo. But the best part of that joke is when I was like, you know what, like when I Google, I'm like, I googled the age of consent in Denmark.

Do you know what it actually is? It's nine. They get excited. And the people are like, what? I'm like, no, I'm just kidding.

But it sounds like, They look at their friends Like fellas Yeah Yeah Where were we going for your bachelor party? Can we change it? Fellas, we're going to Taiwan.

Yeah, yeah. But then this time, so what happened? This was, then the newest time was Last night or a couple days ago? It was Saturday. Yeah.

So Saturday I was selling tickets for the show. These two girls come up to me. And they're like, we want tickets for the show. And I'm like, okay, tickets are only five bucks. Like, you pay me cash or VEMO, whatever. So they want to do VEMO.

So I give my VEMO. And this one girl is just like, he's just like, looks at my name and she's like, hmm, Jake. Thanks, Jake. And I was like, you're going to be so annoying in the show. I just know it, dude. Like, I could like smell that you've been drinking.

Yeah. You're just going to be so goddamn annoying. and we um like the show starts and it's fucking it's like a 6 p.m. show on a Saturday but we get like 72 people in there oh i most time i was there was like 30 40 that's great yeah but it was because it's like it was july fourth weekend but not july 4th so oh shit packed it out and it was awesome it was great uh i got on stage i had a fucking great set like really murdered and then i did an old joke because i just wanted to set to be tight i did the joke about a social justice people where I say the word retarded.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not, I don't call them retarded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm, you know the joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want me to like tell it? Sure. Yeah. The joke is pretty much like, uh, my friend is a social justice warrior and they sent me like a list of words that you shouldn't say if you want to be more PC, but some of the words on the list are kind of tame. Like one of the words was just crazy, like the word crazy. and her reasoning for why you shouldn't say that is because crazy is an ablest term

and when you use that word you trivialize the suffering of everyone who lives with a mental illness so you shouldn't say crazy you should say something like wild instead and I listen to her that's retarded yeah yeah that's the joke and it usually does really well yeah and it did really well Yeah, but I do understand why people will be slightly bald. I get that, but that's not the part she got offended by. It was, before that I do that, I'd ask the room. I'm like, are any of you guys social justice warriors in here? Any of you identify that way?

And so I asked the room, and this girl said yes. And I was like, all right, you know, I respect you for saying that. This is a full room, and no one else raised their hand. So it takes balls. To be the one person that says something, you know, like sincerely. I'm not even going into a joke. Wasn't the balls thing that bothered her? No.

Just like that. And then so I started into a little bit of a joke where I'm like, essentially being like social justice people are annoying. Like hacky joke almost. Yeah. And then she starts shouting over me. And she's going, yeah, I'd rather be that than to sit in silence while people suffer. And I'm like, I was like, hey, I don't give a shit.

I don't care. And it got like a huge pop. Yeah. And then I start the joke. And she just starts over again. And she's like from the top. I love the imbite. It's so funny.

It's like, oh, yeah, well, I'd rather be a total dick to everybody than be killing black people in the streets. It's like, you know there's a middle ground between those two things, right? You're not preventing that right now. You're only preventing the show from continuum. That's so funny. I love people that are like, listen, if it's between being a Nazi and being politically correct, I'll take, I'm like, that's not what it is.

It's not the seesaw we're on. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. keep going into the joke. And then she just starts over with the same statement. She's like, like I was saying, it is better to be, to not sit in silence than to, I'm like, fucking, you're still going? Yeah.

You're still doing this. And it got an even bigger pop. And then she stopped. Yeah. And so I continued on with the joke. Did really well. And I did one bit after that. Then my set was over.

Got off stage. I waited around until after the show, because I had a really good set. But I want to like, shake some hands. Get blown. man, dude. And so a couple people come up to me. They're like, yeah, it was funny stuff. Thanks, man, and whatever. And then this girl comes up

to me, and she's like, you attacked me. I just want you know you attacked me. And I was like, no, I didn't. You know, what do you mean I attacked you? And she's like, every time I come here, you fucking attack me. By the way, I won't say his name. A good friend of ours was standing next to me and he was looking

in her face going like, you were just a dumb white bitch. It's like, Jesus Christ, man. Don't throw a fuel on the fire here. But I guess he wasn't white. He's white. Oh, really? That's weird.

He, um, but yeah, so she was like, you know, you attacked me. You attacked me every time I'm here. I don't want to cause a scene here, but it's like really inappropriate. And I was like, I'm trying to yell in the middle of a comedy show. I was like, look, I didn't attack you. You were disrupting. Being disruptive. I can't let you do that.

She was like, you asked a question. I was like, yeah, I asked a yes or no question. And then I moved on and talked about something else. You responded, which I appreciate. But then you were talking over the jokes, which I can't let you do because it will ruin the show. And it'll ruin the rhythm of what I'm doing. So I either could have shut you down the way I did,

which was like kind of light and I kept it funny, or I could have let you finish your statement and then I would have had to say something way meaner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I just have to do it. I don't want to hurt your feelings. Yeah. But I can't let you just take the room.

way and we win the show. And she was just like, you know, you didn't have to attack me that way. I was like, again, I didn't do that. It's not what happened. And then she just, she's like kind of runs out of things to say. And so she grabs her friend. And her friend is a black girl. She goes, this is, my friend is the only person of color in this room.

And you were trying to incite the audience in an act of violence against us. What? I was like, yo. like, no, I was not. Also, no, she is not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Half the room is black. Half the lineup is black.

Yeah, yeah. And also, it's like, racist of you. To be like, I brought this person so you can't get mad at us. Yeah. It's just like, what the fuck is this argument? It's also like, I'm not even talking. I'm talking to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you shouted at me while I was on stage. So I'm not, I'm not talking about your friend. I was looking at you and you were talking. has nothing to do with her. Yeah. It was like, I couldn't even, like, compute what she was saying

because it was just so, there was no argument to it. All she was saying was like, I didn't like how everyone was laughing at me. Yeah, yeah. Well, what was her, how was her friend reacting? Her friend was just standing there silently.

Yeah, just like. Does she know that silence is, uh, the problem? Does she know that silence? Is violence? Yeah.

Um, yeah, I felt bad with a friend because I was like, I imagine if you hang out with this person, this happens all the time. Yeah, oh my God. All my God. She's like, yeah, that's why she hangs out with you. That's what she said about her friend. She kept saying that. Yeah. Person of color. This girl is white, by the way. The one who's talking is a white blonde

girl. Of course. She's like, the only person of color in this room. And you were singling us out. And I was like, no, I wasn't. No one was even looking at you. They were just like, can you also stop talking? We're enjoying the show. Yeah, yeah. And so I'm like being very polite and calm with them while our friend is shouting from behind me saying shit be just very like

I'm not going to like call you ridiculous I'll like validate your feelings I'm sorry that you're upset but like you can't do what you did yeah kind of thing and then after that she's like gets kind of flustered and then she's like I also didn't like

how the joke was punching down at and then I was like well that's different yeah yeah that's different conversation. Now you're just going to drag everything into this. Yeah. Yeah. If you're just... Like, that's a different conversation entirely. And if that's what this is about, then I don't care. Because I'm going to keep telling the joke. Yeah. And then she just pulls her friend to the bathroom.

And they just like... She sounds like she's really just dragging around. Like, physically just like using this black person as like a prop. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And so then I was, I just like left. And then the next day, I go back to the pair and another comedian, I won't mention. He was like, you just tell her. me the story that I didn't know where it was going. He was like, yeah, I slept with this girl last night. Like I took her home from the bar and we had sex. I was like, okay. Yeah.

What's the story? He was like, yeah, like, she just couldn't stop talking about how much she fucking hated you. I was like, really? It's like, yeah, I don't know. Her name was like, he couldn't remember her name or like. And he was like, yeah, she's just like, I guess she was drunk, but she was just like going in. about how much she hated you and she thought you were such a piece of shit. She made a black girl watch. Everybody used to feel included.

This means inclusive. Can you really have sex if there's not a person of color there? It's approved. Oh, man. It was so... You know what else she was saying to me? When I was talking to her in the back of the showroom, she was like...

I was explaining to her just how a comedy show works. It was like, you just can't shout at me. Yeah. Because these people, like, they all paid for... at the very least the rest of the people here paid for something. If you don't like it, I'm sorry, but they paid

for something that they are enjoying and so I have to deliver what I'm doing. Well, it'll be so wild to yell at like a movie if you're watching. But also, like, I understand the little bit of confusion because when you do crowd work, like people expect to respond, but then a lot of people don't understand it, like, that's the end of the... It's like, I ask you a question I get it. I get how it's like...

But you also have to shut it down when they start talking. Yes, but it's like... The way my set was going was so, like, rhythmic. Like, all my shit was hitting and I was hitting it, like, the timing was very good. And so I was like, this, it should make sense intrinsically to you that, like, a punchline is coming. Yeah, yeah.

If I start something, if I introduce an idea, you should, like, wait for the next thing because it's going to be funny, whatever it's going to happen. But what I was saying to her, it was just like, in this room, like, that's what you paid for is, like, I'm going to tell jokes. I'm not, like, asking open-ended questions so we can have a conversation. It's like you do six minutes of, let me stop this one-man show and talk to the audience. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Open of the conversation.

What she said to me, though, she was like, well, what you don't understand is that we're coming from two different realities. I was like, what the fuck are people in my world? Do you know what those are? It's a different universe. And then Jake Paltino. This is my friend. I just pulled the bucket. My friend made that.

But I was just like, what do you mean? You can't be two different realities. If you pay to go to like a Broadway show, you can't just stand up and be like, this isn't the one I wanted. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's a fucking, you paid for an experience, so just sit and have that experience.

You can allow whatever is internal to happen and then be angry later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't ruin it for the fucking, the whole room because it's not exactly what you wanted. Yeah, of course, yeah, yeah. That's so funny that she was talking about it, like, when she was having sex with the other guy.

Like, he so had to probably take that side where like, you're like, yeah, no, I got really. I suck. He was telling me, he was like, you know, I had your back. And I was like, no, you did. There's no way you did. Yeah, Jake, Dick's an idiot.

It's just blowing. Jake is the worst, man. He's like making up other shit. He's like, no, I saw him a slap a Chinese guy the other day. That's just what Jake does, you know? That's why we got to stop him together. Yeah. I was like, did she bring it up like before you had sex or like after you had sex?

And he was like, you know, she brought it up. Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, did you do a show on 4th of July? Yeah, at the Lantern. Oh, nice. Delante. I fucking did all of them.

Nice, 8, 10, and 12. If you were hanging out, you got up. It was fucking great. Yeah, it sounds good. It was like the same seven people did every single show. Oh, that would be fun. Yeah, I went out of town, which, I don't know, I went out to a New Jersey beach. It was too classy.

It sounds weird, but it was, like, kind of preppy. I don't know. There weren't a lot of... It wasn't like a ratchet for July. Yeah, I like beach shenanigans. Yeah, it was cool because there was a Zeppelin. Did you know that there's only like... What do you call?

Not a hot air balloon, but a blimp. You know, there's only like 26 blimps in the world? No. Yeah, it's like a real thing. They're not allowed to make more. Yeah, it's... I don't know why there's only 26. Yeah, it was like a shark week blimp.

But, uh, yeah. What do you call it a Zeppelin? Yeah, it's a Zepplin. What is that? What is that? I never heard of it. Like Led Zeppelin? I don't know.

It's like a play on words. Like a lead. Okay. I don't know what I'm. Yeah. And then I got really high watching Independence Day, which I've never seen before. I like that. I'm big into alien stuff.

That's a good movie. Yeah, it was fun. I've never seen that. Yeah. It's a Will Smith. I love Will Smith. He just. Oh, yeah, dude.

He's got the, that's like affects me so much more as I get older. When I was younger, I was like, everyone was like, everyone was like, Brad Pitt's the man. Now I'm like, he fucking is the man. Yeah, yeah. He's just like a movie star, a real movie star. Yeah, yeah. So cool to be that guy. Oh, absolutely, yeah.

Yeah, when you watch him in like once upon a time in Hollywood, it's just two or three hours of him being like fucking the man. Oh, yeah, yeah. So that like Hollywood quality of things, like it gets to me now. Oh, yeah, yeah. And Will Smith, too, you're like, oh, this guy is just in everything. Oh, yeah. And he's just cool.

He's the man. Yeah, yeah. Except I guess not so much after his wife cheated on him or whatever. Yeah, but he's just like, cock. Yeah, that's a... Yeah, that's a... Yeah, he, uh... Yeah, people really...

He got really cucked, yeah. What was... She, like, banged his son's friend, and then she was also having sex with Tupac or something. What was going on? I think she just... I think she just had sex with Jaden's friend. Oh, nice.

Pretty cool mom moves. It's really cool. I saw Jaden Smith live once. Oh. Oh, didn't know you were one of those. So don't talk shit. No, fucking Graham was like, I got tickets to see the new Tyler the Creator album live. Do you want to go?

I was like, yeah, sure. I don't care. And we went and Jaden Smith was the opener at MSG. and we were like in the general admission area and he was on stage and all these people were going crazy and then they were like they were going wild is what you meant to say

crazy. We don't say the word crazy fucking they uh jaden Smith does his set and he's he sucks and then he finishes up and they're like all right now get ready for Tyler the Creator

and all the Jaden people just leave like empties out and then it fills back up with Tyler the Creator It was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen. Damn. Yeah. That is pretty wild.

I didn't know he had groupies, yo. Yeah, I mean, he's a good looking guy, right? Doesn't he? But he's, like, kind of weird, right? He's like a vegan, which is another wrong, being vegan, but he's like kind of, like, kind of hippie-ish guy, right? Who, Jaden Smith?

Yeah. Yeah, but he's a vegan. Is Willow Smith related? Yeah, he's a sister. I like that song. She's got a good song. Yeah, probably. I don't know this.

The Jaden Smith is a hippie vegan in the way that, like, all rich L.A. people are. Yeah. He's just, like, disconnected from everything. Yeah, that makes sense. I'm also, I'm trying to understand that crazy thing you were saying earlier. So, like, what if... That's got to be weird when, like, one of your family members has, like,

schizophrenia and you're like, he's wild. Like, that's a weird way to... It's like, it's like fat. They don't like the word fat anymore. No, now they're taking it back. Now it's like, I am fat and I'm sexy. The thing is about all of those... Yeah.

I'll stalk you. I'm crazy. That's who I am. Dude, all of those, like, arguments, they're argued between like two super liberal people. Oh yeah, yeah. No one else cares. It's like, oh, of course. It'll just be one guy at like a, you know, an artisanal like dumpling shop in Brooklyn being like, that's a crazy flavor. And then another guy being like, you can't say that. Oh, yeah. That's the argument. Like in your, in your bubble of like ridiculous accountability. Oh, yeah, no, because that's like the move. It's like, oh, I got to upper hand everybody. So no matter what people say, I have to have some. thing I could talk down to them. It's like I want to be able to get people to be like,

oh yeah, yeah, that is right. I didn't even think about that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But when you see, like, I don't know, when you see like in headline where like they're taking the word fat away or you can't say this or that. It's like, no, they're not, dude. That's never going to be a slur. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like, it's just some people are always going to be angry about nothing. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. No, and I'm like, I'm like, I'm, like, I'm, I don't really care. Like, I'm not one of those people that's like, we're promoting an unhealthy lifestyle because that guy's annoying too where he's like people are gonna be fat who cares

I don't go fuck if you're fat or not do not give you shit yeah but also like the other it is funny though the people that are like yeah I'm confident I'm like you know who doesn't have to say I'm confident people who are actually confident they don't have to repeat it like 10 times like I am confident it's like all right well I don't I don't know if you actually think that way but uh

yeah that's like a therapy thing yeah like someone's just like just keep saying it yeah exactly yeah you'll figure it out yeah but I just don't know how much I like every time I go to the supermarket I see a magazine where there's like a plus size model on the cover which I just have no problem with that. You know, cool. But then it's, I'm just wondering like how, what more is there to say? Yeah.

Because they're like, it's not just like they're doing like a spread. It's like we're writing an article about this person and they're like message. It's like, but what is we understand what the message is. And I have no problem with it. Like, sure, you should love your body and stuff. But it's like, how, like, I don't know, how much more is there? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

It's not. It's like a pretty straightforward idea. Just like, love your body, love yourself. Absolutely. Yeah. That's two, that's one sentence. Yeah. And it is also the other side of it too where the like, the people are like, oh, I posted this

picture of me in a bikini and I'm over 200 pounds and like, how dare people comment on it? And like, listen, like, you are a dick if you comment on like a fat girl's thing. and you're like, you're fucking fat. But like also. Yeah, but also do expect every single person to be on the other side of it. It's like, if you post something out there. Oh, and say you look great and shit. Like you look.

Yeah, and be like, oh my God, somebody had an issue with this. It's like, well, yeah, because do you understand like you're putting something out? Like, you know what I mean? Like especially if you're like a celebrity, it's like you're putting this out. You're like, wow. I expected to post this picture of me in a thong and I didn't expect anybody to criticize. It's like, what? What?

You expect to every single person to just be on board with what you. Like, that guy is also an asshole. I agree somebody who like, oh, let me comment on like this. But like also to not expect anybody to be like, no, I'm posting this because everybody's going to love it. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's Instagram is a, like, it's a public platform. Yeah, yeah.

It's like if I walked into like the train station and I took my shirt off and it was like, no one can say something about this. Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, people could definitely say should. Yeah, but it's like, it's not, I don't welcome like what they're saying, but I'm also going to be like, all right, I am in the train station. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

Especially if you know you're thicker. Not everybody. Also, you're not going to force people to think. I'm just saying particularly people are going to have... That's what I'm saying, dude, especially if your body is gross. Yeah, I don't know the answer. No, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I don't care.

When I was at my girlfriend's family, I realized how much I'm just like, I, both people are just annoying. Like, I was watching Fox and they were like talking about, they're like, that athlete got fired for like smoking weed or whatever. What was the thing? Like the Olympic? Yeah, that sucks, dude. Yeah. Yeah. She got suspended.

She'll still be able to compete or something. But she got suspended for having weed in her system. Yeah, but it was just funny because I saw both sides in the same moment because Fox is like, you got to follow the rules, you know. And I'm like, I'm like, I just don't be a nerd. But then like, but then they brought on AOC's tweet that was like, this is colonialism. Like I don't think this is colonial. Like I think weed.

Like, and I looked it up and it was like, it was actually against the rules because it's performance enhancing because it helps you like for your muscle recovery, which is stupid. But like, I don't think colonialism is. the reason that the Olympics have, like, I don't know. I think it's, that's stretching too. But I think it's like, I was talking to, it's like the same part as like the Republican, like far, I'm talking about far. Like if you're, I don't care what you are. But people that are like far right or like the hall monitor kids, they were like, these are the rules. You've got to follow them. And the people that are like so far left are like the annoying kid in class that's like,

actually you should think about this, this and you're like, oh, you guys are both just annoying the far sides of everything. Oh yeah. It's so annoying. I like how brutal the Olympics says like you can't smoke weed to recover your muscles. Yeah. I feel like you don't like that shit. Yeah, yeah. Don't recover.

Yeah, that's a good point. Stop drinking water. You drank, you had too much of water in your blood. Yeah, I think the way to go is to just not fucking give a shit about anything. Yeah, exactly. That's cool. Yeah, you're getting her sunglasses earlier. Yeah.

And then the problem is you become the thing you hate because then you're the guy in the middle that are like both sides suck and everybody and you're like well now you're just the guy in the middle saying both sides suck instead of the other guy saying the other guy suck. Oh yeah. I just don't. I just like when people start talking about politics around me too much, I just pretend to be stupid. Yeah. Yeah. Especially if they have a very obvious bias. Yeah. I'll just be like, I'm just an idiot. I don't know. Yeah. I'm like I don't want to fucking have this conversation with you. Yeah. I'm not going to learn anything. Even if I agree with you, I'm going to end up not liking you. Yeah. Yeah. That's like that fucking the, the, the, the,

The girl that came up to me after the show was like, I like, there's on some level, we pretty much agree on everything. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but it's like the way you're going about this and using these social issues to like just say you're anything more than offended that I told you to stop talking. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's ridiculous. And it makes me want to disagree with you. Yeah. Oh, my God.

That's the best is, yeah. I want to disagree with people just because the person sucks. I think that's what kind of happens with every political thing. It's like, you see somebody who sucks. and you're like, oh, I don't want to be like this guy. You know what I mean? And that's why you end up voting for most political candidates. Like probably not the last election, but before that.

Well, the last one I think, too, because people are like, I don't want to be like Trump. And that's why people kind of chose the other side of it. True, yeah, that makes sense. And then a lot of the Trump people were like, oh, what am I vote for Biden? The guy's like, you've been a million years old. There's also like that never, I guess that never happened before. Because in every election, like, when our parents were voting back in the olden days. Yeah, yeah.

It was kind of like a middle ground. most candidates. They didn't like, it wasn't as heated of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so it was probably just like, oh, this guy, like fucking, that story about, um, Nixon and Kennedy

debating on TV. Yeah. And Kennedy, like, Nixon won the debate because he knew more shit, but Kennedy, uh,

just wasn't like sweaty. I got to like that. And so they were like, yeah, he's pretty cool. Yeah, like the guy who's not sweaty. Yeah,

I suppose you can even see sweat on black and white. Yeah. Yeah. It was like, like the first televised debate. Yeah. That was like the big thing. And Kennedy was like young and good looking dude smiling.

You didn't know what he was talking about, but he was like, hey, hey, hey, you doing? Isn't the conspiracy? Nixon was like, it's hot in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't there some weird conspiracy that like, because Marilyn Monroe was murdered because she knew too much or something? Those are fun. I like those. Yeah.

I mean, it gives anyone that dies who like knows people, they're like, well. They knew too much. Yeah. There's no way this model would actually just have a pill problem. Yeah. I mean, I totally believe that Hollywood just got to her. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, the hottest woman in America back in the day. It's a tough town.

It's just dragging her around being like, yeah, put your tits out over here. Tits. She has, like, news, right? She did Playboy back, like, the original? That was one of the first things I ever masturbated to. Really? I didn't know how to, like, find a porn. so I was like Marilyn Monroe Playboy.

You Googled that? Yeah. Actually, the first thing I did it was I went on YouTube and I looked up strip club footage. Like it's like a big foot or something. There's no way that's what it is. That looks like a movie scene with the... Yeah, that's the seven-year-rich thing. Yeah, but they just put like a vagina on her.

Oh, you could I... there's no way in the movie it's where her skirts flying up. There's no way her vagina was just like Jake's really staring at my photo. In this photo? Yeah, those are different legs. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like that they wear her thing. Not even just the vagina. Like the whole, her whole bottom half is a different person. Yeah. Oh, nice. That's, isn't that a body positivity too?

People were like, yo, Marilyn Monroe was actually like 300 pounds. Oh, yeah. They love bringing down. Yeah, yeah. Marilyn Monroe was like really fan. She was an icon back. I don't know if she,

you guys might be over. No, dude. Yeah. I've heard that people were like, you know, she was actually like a few sizes pretty heavy. People nowadays would be like

she was a fat bitch. Like, I don't know, man. Yeah, I don't know about that. I'll look at pictures of her. I'm like, he's pretty good looking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The camera also adds weight. So she probably was lighter than whatever we... Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I would imagine she... And it was also, like, back,

then, they were still like, you know, making Judy Garland take like amphetamine so she wouldn't eat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm sure that there wasn't like, the standards were different. Oh, what a good time in Hollywood. They were way worse. That's a crazy fucking thing.

Yeah, they made her take, yeah, yeah, yeah. They made her smoke 80 cigarettes a day when she was like 14. Oh, man. And then take, like, essentially like Adderall, but not whatever Adderall is today. It was probably less regulated. It was probably crazier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. fucking just the rock, the

Adderall rock. That's nuts, man. What a hilarious time in Hollywood. Oh, yeah. That'd be so funny if you're like, you see like a movie that like tries to make light of the glamour of Hollywood and it's like you,

they walk onto a movie set and there's like a monkey and a cap and then like a band playing things. And then you go behind a curtain and Judy Garland is just strung out. Yeah. It's like a child. And that monkey's definitely being abused as well. That is a weird skill I have.

You pull up almost any monkey. I can tell you what kind of monkey it is by picture. Yeah, yeah, pull it up. Let's see it. If I pull up a random monkey, you'll notice. Yeah, yeah. Let's see what it is. You look like I have a bunch of photos.

I'm going to have to Google. I brought this up in the last episode, hoping somebody would pull it up. Wait, you're trying to casually nudge that way. And I'm like, now we're going to have pictures of monkeys in your gallery. How do you know all this shit about monkeys? Because I almost bought one. You had to like look at Bree. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't want to get.

Cochins are too smart. Like the ones you've seen all the movies, they're way too smart. So they'll, uh, you want the dumber monkeys. I'd feel weird if I was trying to. Oh, that's a proboscis monkey. It's actually a Jewish monkey. They can't see the photos. It's very, yeah, well, you said it's very bad.

If I was trying to buy a monkey, it'd feel weird using the word breed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why. That's not the right way to say, right? Yeah, you don't really breed them. because I don't think they really But you know Like you buy like a breed of dog

Yeah yeah yeah You buy like a species I guess a monkey Yeah Yeah because there's no like crossover It's like with monkeys It's like this is this kind But yeah you can't yeah

Yeah I guess Yeah I would just be a Scottish chimpanzee Yeah You were gonna buy a proboscis monkey No no no He just pulled a picture one I knew what it was

The owl monkeys are cool They're like nocturnal I like how you said like, ah, it's a whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want an owl. Owmunkies are nocturnal. So, like, they would sleep all there in the day. Well, I guess maybe you don't want that.

I don't know. I don't know the answer. Yeah, you want a monkey that's a weekend night. A monkey that sleeps all day. Yeah, that's a week at night. You're saying, like, I think I'm getting an owl monkey because it won't bother me during the day. Yeah. But it's like that night you just run around, Judge.

I didn't think of this. You just didn't grasp For the night It's gonna be the most annoying thing in the world Yeah I just come to stay at your house And you're like yeah You can just sleep on the couch

Like And then right before you go to bed You're like Oh the owl monkey The owl monkey He'll be swinging around all night Dude they're nocturnal Yeah

Don't be a dick about it Yeah No I do somebody at college They had one Like I ran into the guy He would just walk around campus With his owl monkey

He had like a mesh backpack That would just hang out inside of and then he like let it out and crawl around and he took classes with it i think i think he brought it to class actually i don't know that would be such a dick move he's like dude it's my fucking uh it's my service animal it's like throwing shit at people it's like all right there's there's no way this is uh it helps me with my depression it makes me laugh when he throws feces of people that is like such a thing that they do just throw shit at people yeah it's pretty cool it's very cool yeah it's awesome man here's the one thing i mean if

I was like, if I had the body I have, but I was just a little stupider, that's what I would do. I mean, if I had the ability to grab things and I just wasn't. Well, I think you're saying, like, right now, you're like, his view don't have that. You're like, if I could grab my own shit, I would, but I can't. I think of any animal, like, had the ability to grab shit, like, with a thumb. Yeah. And then was, like, just as smart as a monkey, like, not as self-aware as we are. That's the first thing you would do.

Yeah, just throw shit in. What do? Well, it's funny that elephant, But they're like it's their nose. They're just throwing things with their nose, which is a pretty disgusting thing they do. They don't smell with those things, right? I don't know. They, like, I don't know they scoop water into their mouth that way.

Yeah. They smell it like three days later when it reaches their fucking... They kill, like, a lot of people, right? Elephants? Yeah. No, I think it's like they, they kill, like, a crazy amount of people. When they, like, stampede through villages and stuff. Yeah, yeah.

I was just telling him it was. weird. I went to visit my girlfriend's family and I was so nervous about her grandpa liking me. But then I realized I'm like, this doesn't matter. This is just like a dog liking it. Like it's the same kind of thing where it's like if he doesn't like you, nobody's going to be like, oh, this is our thing of approval. Grandpa didn't

like you. Yeah. But if you go, there are some people, if you go to their house and their dog doesn't like you, they'll be weird about it. That's so stupid. Yeah. I think grandma is that thing too. Like especially like an old Jewish grandma, like the one that survived the Holocaust. Like if he doesn't like, this is your seal of approval into the family.

she's like an elder. Or like an abuelita. Yeah, yeah. That's like a big deal. If the girlfriend is like Spanish, she'd be like, I really need your abuela to like me.

Yeah, yeah, that's probably like something that actually matters. But I was thinking like, my grandma had like Alzheimer's. So it doesn't matter, you know,

she doesn't matter if she liked my girl. You know what I mean? Yeah. So, yeah. But, uh, this is,

I brought you on to talk about that thing and I didn't plan anything else. That was funny. You know, talk. What's going on with you, Arden? Just not.

We'll figure something out. Art, save me here. I was also there. Matt Jake's thing. Oh, yeah, when he got a scolded. Yeah. Good. Oh, man, there's something so funny I want to say,

but I can't say it on the thing. That's great. It's a comedy podcast. Save the comedy for afterwards. No, it's like so bad. But it's something that someone said about it. Oh, yeah. Well, just think about that.

If you're listening right now, just think about how bad it could. bad. I have that reaction. These guys are crazy. Yeah. These guys are, whoa,

they're pictures something way worse than whatever you're actually thinking. Yeah, these guys have no, I mean, they do have a filter,

but yeah. It's pretty big one. Yeah. It's the type of filter that takes out everything. Yeah. It's just a cap. It's normal.

Dude, when no one's recording, no filter. This is my, I probably shouldn't be talking about it. This is my last week. work. Buck, yeah, dude.

Which I was kind of, I was hoping I'd get let go because of unemployment, because I was like, oh, you get benefits and they just never, like, I'm one of those people like, I can't do my job bad because then I like feel, you know, I'm like, I don't want to do a bad job. Oh, yeah. I feel the way about barking. Yeah, I hate barking, but if I don't try to do it, I'll just like. Yeah, you're

like, I'm being shitty. And there's a part of me that, like, left a guy's desk messy, because I was like, all right, if he doesn't like me, he'll complain to the boss. Did you do it on purpose? I did. I left him messy on purpose. And then, uh, it was so funny because he got pissed to me and he brought it just to me. He's like, we're leaving our boss out of this. This is just between me and you. And I was like, God damn it. This now, yeah, but now,

I thought about it though. I was like, what are there some other ways I could like try to get? But I was like, nah, I'm just going to do my job and eventually quit. So what did you, you put in your two weeks notice? Yeah. Well, I put in my eight, like months ago, I was like, hey, just heads up and I'm looking for other jobs. And I was like, oh, they'll hire somebody new immediately. And they're, they've just been keeping me on for like. Just do they know that Friday's your. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So why do you still go? Well, because there's a two weeks notice. You can't put it in a two weeks notice and then just not show up.

He wants the recommendation. Oh, you're right. Yeah. I live in a different reality. Yeah. My life is awesome, dude. Yeah, my life is fucking sick. Let's just end it there.

Where can they find you online? Jake Timothy. Arden X. All right, sweet. Thank you.