Morning Good - You Think Straight Guys Can't Dance? - Episode 133

Episode Date: November 16, 2022

Paddy Defino and Jake Timothy return to the show for today's episode. They talk about doing drugs to offset the effects of other drugs, James Gunn's Scooby Doo movie, and returning items to a sex store.Thanks to Paddy and Jake for coming back on the show. Check them out together and with other guests on earlier episodes of the show, and for even more, click the links below.Paddy is on Instagram @paddy_is_funky, and Jake is as well @jake_timothy. Also if you're in Providence, Rhode Island, make sure to catchJake Timothy headlining at The George on 11/25, the day after Thanksgiving.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right, and we're starting. We're here with Patty Defino. Hello? And Jake Timothy. Hey, yo. And I talk about this every fucking time.

whatever, what were yours? What number episode is this? I have zero clue. We're in the hundreds. We were here for the number 100. Oh, yeah. And you guys did shrooms. Yeah.

And today we're in the same boat. What? No. It was so funny because you guys text me, you're like, should we do shoes before the podcast? You guys are like, yeah, totally. We're going to do it. And there's a part of me that wanted to text,

this isn't going to make for a good episode. Just ruining the fun for you guys. I'm like, guys, I'm really trying to put out serious content now. Hey, man, look. In what way do you think it would ruin the episode? It could... You guys could get too philosophical where I'm like, you know, be funny if like, you know,

my dick was like a dumpster truck and you're like, well, would that really be funny? Is this your... Philosophy. Is that your interpretation of Socrates? Dude, I mean, to be fair, I can't even judge you. I'm on Xanax right now. It's a weird thing.

It's like, what happened was... I've said this before a thousand times. Every time I record the podcast, I get zero sleep than I before. I do the podcast on different days of the week every fucking week. And no matter what, the night before the podcast, I get zero sleep. Does doing the podcast make you nervous? No.

It's my favorite thing in the world is doing this podcast. And then for some reason, I just get completely braided. I think you put too much pressure on yourself, Michael Good. I think that's possible, too, but the sleep lasts has nothing to do with it. It's just like whatever I record the night before. I'll record on a Monday, Sunday night. Something crazy. You also record what?

two days a week. Yeah, yeah. And you probably don't get sleep pretty much every night. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That adds up. But last night was fucking insane. So obviously I live above the barn.

It's really loud. I come out here. First time, I watched E.T. yesterday. Holy fuck. What an amazing movie? Really? Yeah, when was last time you watched E.T.?

I was, like, very young. And I watched it on like, you know when like TVs were like bigger than cars? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The back was just fucking, fucking, yeah. I watched it on like this. My grandpa had like a 55 inch. It was the first TV I'd ever seen of that size.

But like there was like no lights in it. So it was like it was like the ugliest thing. Like the screen itself was like Ripley. Like it was like warped and just gross. And I couldn't really see anything in the movie. Oh yeah. So I don't even know if I've, that counts as seeing it once. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That does that. I mean, I love that movie. It's great. But that was one of those movies that like when I was a little kid, I only watched like cartoons. Yeah.

And then I watched that movie and it was like too, like the cinematicness of it was like too much for me. What do you mean? Just it's so intense for like the first like real movie I'm seeing. And it's like, dude, it's an emotional. This kid becomes friends with this guy and then he goes back to space and you're just like, the fuck is insane. Dude. And this is my thing.

So I got Thursday night or Wednesday night I got zero sleep just fall on night. Can I rip that? Yeah, rip rip rip that. Rip, rip, rip. Thursday night. I went out drinking, and so I didn't get a lot of sleep either. So I'm kind of, like, just emotionally drained yesterday. And I'm, like, tearing up at the first scene in E.T.

Like, literally, he's getting left on earth. And I'm like, no, your family's late. I'm like, why am I fucking crying right now? It's going to be okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know where it's going. Well, and the music just pulls your heartstrings because it's like, dun, dun, dun, dun, da, da, nah, na, nah.

And, um, so I'm tearing up at the first. and then I start watching the movie. And I found fun fact about ET, apparently they made the soundtrack first. It's one of those where they made the soundtrack. And then they're like, we're going to direct the movie around the soundtrack. Interesting.

Yeah. Like a baby driver. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I never seen baby driver. That'd be funny if you've seen a baby driver? No,

I watch a grown-ass movies like ET. Baby driver is a big boy. You realize it's not about babies. It's not baby geniuses three. It's not boss baby. Are you sure? It's not Alex Baldwin in a car. No, I'm aware.

It's like a Ryan Gosselin type film. It would be funny. It would be funny if... That's driving. What about B.E.T? It's just black. Black E.T. And like it starts where he lands.

And then he finds like this black family. And then the kid like really likes him. And the mom walks in. She's like, hell no. Hell no. We'd have no alien in this motherfucking house. Tyler Perry's. There's a damn alien in the shit.

Yeah. Who left their damn alien in the backyard? Did you get this from that wife family? But I, yeah, movie just so fucking good. I'm like, every scene. But it also is weird because I'm like, I realize like they only hang out for like three days. And then they're like in love with,

they get so connected in like three days. Yeah. I forget what happens. Isn't it like the alien is able to form that connection easier or something? Yeah, yeah. So it forms a connection with Elliot. But it like, it like the animal. has some power he's able to, or they just become friends just because they're both nice.

Well, they just bond over Reese's pieces, and then for some reason that bonds them, like, like, E.T. can emotionally connect himself to things. So, like, he becomes connected with the boy, and then for some reason this just thing of flowers. So, like, the flowers die, and when E.T. dies or something like that. But then also the boy lives, at some point, they split off because and then E.T. die. He's, like, pronounced dead. Like, Nikki Six of, like, Motley Crow. Like, he's fully. yeah that's that's that's that you remind me that's the part that was too much for me when the kid is about to die

yeah yeah yeah he's in love with ET I'm like fucking that was like way too much for me yeah also how old is he that's a weird thing it's like because for a second I thought it was kind of like he kind of has shitty parents because like the first scene is like E.T gets like dropped off or because they're all they're like farming weird plants from Earth

or something like that to build on their spaceship and then E.T just leaves because there's people coming and then E.T. just gets left and they close the door and I was like is E. Is E.T. like the child or is it his wife? It's like home alone. Yeah, but you also don't know because that guy could be like 60 years old.

E.T. phone home alone. Yeah. Also, I didn't know that E.T makes like a cameo in Star Wars until my girlfriend's sure. Does he really? Yeah, yeah. There are ETs in like the Senate. Yeah, yeah. You see like literally you just see like a lame part of Star Wars.

Yeah, you see like the politics. I hate people who get into Star Wars and they're like, well, the reason why the Republic was actually invading. Because of the minerals. something. It's like, dude, shut up. Yeah. They just have lightsabers. Yeah, yeah, that's a fun part.

Mace Windu has a purple lightsaber. Yeah. Explain how that fits into your little political scheme. Well, the purple is a metaphor for purple states that aren't red and they're not blue. They're swing states. But we watch AT fucking, I mean, phenomenal movie. Loved it. And then I go to sleep last night, totally no alcohol, no drugs, just a melatonin. And I'm sleeping natural on the couch. I'm watching Batman versus Superman. which, by the way, as bad as I remember it.

I was like, maybe let me give it a second shot. Let's see if it, that movie is so fucking bad. And the fact that they, like, people in the comic community are like, Zach Snyder's. I was like, this movie is so shitty. Yeah. Like the lines in it are horrible. They just made Lex Luthor, like, to have Jesse Eisenberg play him and he's like this weird autistic guy. Oh, yeah.

And you have no idea why he's, like, mad about anything. He's just like, my father didn't like me. And you're like, you maybe show like a scene of his father so you understand where the villain's coming from. We just hate Superman for some reason. And then some guy in Batman's building died because of Superman. And now Batman's like vengeful of Superman. And the lines are horrible. Like every line in that movie is fucking, Lex Luthor's just saying nonsense the whole time.

Horrible. Anyways, I fall asleep great. And then, you know, I live above the bar and it's insanely loud. They brought it up to the next fucking level last night. A bus pulls up. A party bus pulls up. On top of the bus is a like makeshift stage, and they're blasting music.

There is a, like, musical truck outside. And I'm saying, like, literally, it's the height of my window. And there's just this hippie person. And I just look outside the window. I'm like, you fucking pieces of garbage. And I've been in a weird stage recently where I've loved this city. I've been, like, I'm really finding my place in New York City, you know, really, like, enjoying this. I'm, like, finally coming, like, you know, I'm coming into my own here, you know.

And, like, this is, have you seen, like, the movie, like, the hot chick? With Rob Shedder. It's like a body switch movie where I'm like, you know what? No, I want to stay this way. I was like, you know what? There were consequences, but this is where I want to be in my life. Yeah. Oh, so you're like in Freaky Friday when she's ripping the guitar solo?

Yes, exactly. I'm like, I'm finding my groove. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of cool that I'm an old woman hitting a guitar solo. Yeah. It's a blues, right? I'm like, this is where I'm supposed to be, actually. And then that just changed.

I was like, I hate this fucking city. I hate these goddamn hipstom. with their cool little, ooh, I got a bus. And I'm like, fuck you guys. And then I took some Xanax. And by the time,

this was like 5 a.m. So right now I am sticked out. I am floating. Nice, dude. Through the day. Not even, it's not fun. Sticked out. Sticked out.

Sticked out. Steaked out, Reese's PCs. Keeping track over here, dude. But yeah, no, so I am very foggy right now. And so I just drank coffee. And now I'm ripping the nicotine pen to try to counteract that. But it's not making you feel good.

Now the anxiety's there, but the brain fog is also there. I think the common misconception about drugs is that when you feel effects of drugs, you're not supposed to wait it out. You're supposed to take other drugs. Yeah, to counter them. Yeah. But that's the hardest part. It's like if I try to go to sleep without, and I slept, I was proud of myself because

I was like, look, I didn't drink or anything. I'm sleeping great. And then that just like, I'm like, there's zero percent chance I can go to sleep with this just literally five feet from my window. it was just belairing. And it's like deep trans music too. So it's like we, trance, not trans music. No, no, it's not Lady Gaga.

It's trans. Man, I feel like a woman. You know what's funny as I did that same joke last, last time I was on the phone. Oh, really. Yeah. It wasn't as applicable. Dude, you know what you should do for sleep as I just got one of these. Don't tell me as an app.

Because if I hear a fucking, you should get one of these, dude. Oh, a sleep hat. Yeah, like an Ebenezer Scrooge. You know what? That's what it is. I'm not wearing slippers in a goofy hat. You know what? That will make me kind of... I guarantee you if I wear that, I'll be like, who am I? And I'll giggle myself to sleep.

You don't have a full pajama suit and like a candle holder. Dude, they just come out screaming at them. You fucking kids, keep it down. I hate Christmas. It's just November. I mean, that is, the cover of the podcast is very misleading. I do not dress like that, but I should. That's an amazing way.

Oh, that is true. I forgot. Fans of the Michael Good, or the morning good podcast are going to like burn Keybar to the ground one day. Oh, dude, yeah.

Like, now that I've told them, like, oh, it's out? Yeah, it's out. Because Ryan O'Toole's like, it's like, it's fucking keyboard. That's the name of it. I was like, don't say the name. Now everybody knows exactly.

I mean, I'm moving in a week. So, you're moving in a week? Yeah. Fuck this place. Fuck that bar. Fuck that stupid. Wait, is your lease up?

Or did you just have it? So I've had it, for one. and then also just like the noise is insane and I can't afford. Where are you, where, like what area are you moving to? Like Orchard Street. Like,

I think I'm just gonna say my new address now basically. Like lower east side, yeah. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah. It's not above a bar, but it's next to a bar. But it's five floors up. So unless that bus is going to come by, but now they've like raised the stage.

So it's just like right up to the fucking way. Yeah. But I guess one of our neighbors screamed at the people too. Because it's like this is like literally, insane. It was like, I felt like I was going crazy because it was like deep trans music where it's just like, the spirit inside you

the spirit inside you. There's like nothing else on the street either. It's just that bar right there. And then everyone, everything else is just like a residence. Also, like, let's be honest. Like, we've all walked past that bar. It doesn't exactly look like the time of your life inside. No, it fucking sucks. I don't know why.

Yeah. I'd much rather go down to the Phoenix bar, dude. Get a little Get your gay on, brother. Get my knob polished. Yeah, yeah. Listen to some trance music. Yeah. Yeah.

They do have play fucking bangers over there. Phoenix? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, I love fucking, like, Lady Gaga's awesome. Mm-hmm. Having sex with men's great. I also like...

Yeah, I went to a birthday party in Brooklyn that my friend was, like, hosting for his friend who's gay. And so, like, everyone there was gay except for, like, me and my three friends from Long Island. and I kept like putting my music on the ox because everyone's phone was dying. They're like, oh, what is this? Yeah, they were like, what the fuck is this? They hated it. I was like, sorry, fellas, I don't, I'm not with it. This is his chair?

What the fuck is this? You should have just gotten full the other way, just playing like fucking God smack and like butt rock. I was playing like bluegrass. This is for all you girls. You know what is weird to me that you ever see a group of gay dudes and they're in like a, they're in a pack of of all gay dudes, but they're not banging each other. They're all squatting up to go

bang other gay dudes. You mean a hive of gay? Yeah. That sounds bad. Hive, just because you subtract the E from the end of that. Yeah. You need some buddies. A hip of gay greg. No, I know, but it is funny because it's like, that's a great point. I like how that's where my brain goes, because I'm like, that's like them being

like, yeah, you ever see a group of like straight dudes going out with straight women and they're not fucking each other? What's wrong with them? It's like, that's it's normal to go. And they're tight assholes. What the fuck is that? Yeah. I mean, the only difference is, like, if I go out with my friends at the end of the night, I can't be like, all right, I didn't score. So who's fucking me tonight? Yeah, yeah. But that does happen with, like, friend groups. Like, straight guys and straight women will hang out. And they will have occasionally be like, all, well, I guess we're going to bang. Yeah. And also, I have no idea if these gay dudes are all. They could all just be banging each other. But I'm just making each other. I mean, I think people just like to have sex with each other. So, yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. That is not even like a gay or straight thing. It's like, you know. That is one of the things about being a human. Yeah, you do want to. You just want to. You just want to. You just want to. stick it in and then pull it out.

Here we go, getting too philosophical. Philophical. So what is, why can't you sleep before a podcast? You're just too excited? There's nothing to do with the podcast. It's just whatever day I record for some reason. That's one of the nights where I get no sleep. That's terrible, dude.

Yeah, also, I got kicked out of a bar recently. That was a fun thing. For drinking too much? No. For not getting enough sleep. Yeah. They're like, dude, go home, man. Come on.

Just give me a back cup. Get yourself. If you tried like a warm tea, Have you tried CBD? Yeah. This is what was funny because I was like, I did the podcast a couple days ago with Brandon Barrera and Arden and we were drinking on the podcast. And then we're like, let's go to a bar.

So we go to a bar, do some more drinking. We go to karaoke. The list was too long. We're like, fuck this. And we go to a Niagara, which is like basically just a college bar. Yeah. And I was, at this point, I'm just in the zone. Like, I'm dancing.

I'm like, I don't go out that often anymore. So I was very excited to like just be part of the bar. And I met this dude named. Jose from Venezuela and I'm like, dude, I'm going to get you so much pussy tonight. Which is so many because I know nobody at this bar. And I'm like, trust me, if you stick with me, you're going to have a good time. Like I also said, like, I'm going to get you so much pussy. Not even like, I'll get you one pussy today.

By the way, obviously I got him zero pussy. But, uh, what was your plan when you said that? Just like, I want to hang out. I speak minimal space. So, like, he was, he was so about it too. He's like, dude, man. I don't know why he's poor at, but he's like, he's like, dude, man, what's up, bro? and we're like, dude.

Dude, man. You're not from America, bro? This country's sick. Just like telling them stuff that's like, I never go out. I'm in a relationship. So I barely know how to talk to women, but I'm like,

I'm going to get this guy laid. Like, that's my goal. And I started, like, introducing him to people or something like that. And then I left them for a little bit. There was his group of gay dudes and I was trying to, like, outdance them. Like, I was dancing hard. I was like, I'm going to, like, it was like a white guy,

like, freestyling with a group of black guys. So I was like, I'm going to show them that I'm, cool too about cool dance moves. So I'm like dancing my ass off, having like a phenomenal time. And then I was like Jose, let me get you and I'll buy shots for everybody. And then I go to the bar and then they're like, yeah, your card's declined.

And I was like, oh fuck, they're like, can these people pay it for it? I'm like, no, I'm not going to make Jose. And I was like, no, no, they're not paying for it. She goes, you got to get the fuck out of this bar right now. And I go, okay, do you want these shots back? And she goes, no. Security. Get this guy out right now. And then I take the shots because I'm like, all right, I'm already getting fucking booted.

And I'm like, I'll walk out of the bar. And it's one of those where they, they still push you. They just wanted, they don't, it doesn't happen often. Yeah, yeah. So they're excited. They were, the guy was so excited. And I'm like, dude, I'm walking out. There's no reason for you to push me out of this bar.

And then I go home and I have all this shame. I'm like, I can't believe I drank myself to no money. And then I check my bank account and there's money in there. There's like, not a lot. There's like 70 bucks. But I'm like, all right, not nothing to be proud about. I still shouldn't have got out drinking. I'm like, okay, what the fuck?

And then I call Wells Fargo. And they're like, yeah, it was suspicious behavior. So we just put a hold on your card. And I'm like, this had nothing to do with me. I'm about the banks. Like, look, you bought a lot of shots for gay guys. We're a little suspicious. Yo, it sucks.

You try to explain. Your knight to them. You're like, no, this is classic of me. I met this Venezuelan guy. I told him I was getting him some pussy. Yeah. And then I was like, I'm going to out dance these gay dudes to impress these black people. Yeah.

And then they gave me out of the bar for being racist. Yeah. Yeah. no no no I was used the black guys as an allegory there were no black people of Niagara besides the gay dude that was dressed as a pirate

I don't know why the gay deeds are dressed it's not Halloween but they're all just like pirates for some reason how light is fun it's just a look yeah

Jack Sparrow is the gayest man of all yeah oh absolutely yeah but yeah that was shameful and but then I was like oh that's cool

that I didn't spend all my money at the bar yeah that is good I mean I've done I've definitely done that dude I maxed out a credit card in Disney World one time

I told you can just leave and go home You're like, no, I need to pay for other things here It's like I need dinner, I need to get my way home I was like in Epcot like in France And I had like Mickey ears on And they swipe, they're like the client I'm just sitting there like fucking hammered in Mickey ears Like what?

And they're like, yeah, you have no money. I'm like, but I'm in Disney. This is France. Doesn't childhood wonder pay for anything here? I thought this is a place where magic lives. How many times do you think that's happened with like a single dad with their kid? Oh, I'm showing. Kids, go, go. We got to run.

We could make some magic happen here at Disney. No, sir. That is all that money. Can I do some dishes for Donald Duck later? You've done drinking around the world because I was planning on doing it. Yeah, but dude, it's so expensive. It's so fucking expensive. But we did it.

And it was a blast. It was so much fun. Yeah, my buddy did it. He got a head on the Finding Nemo ride. He said, and like, that sounds like a phenomenal day. Wow, dude. Yeah. That does sound phenomenal.

Yeah. What did you say? So I guess he found him. No, no, no. Drinking around the world? Is that what you're talking? Yeah. What is it?

So Epcot has all these different countries. That's like the theme of it. So drink in every part of Epcot. Yeah, there's like a big lake and there's a like a path that goes around the lake. It's probably like, what, a mile around the whole thing? I've been there since I was a kid. But there's like 13 different countries. I go to bars and get kicked out.

Yeah. Dance versus gay people. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a funny bar. I wasn't necessarily even with them. It was like, add them. I was like, you think straight guys can't. I can fucking dance.

They're like, we're not dancing. We're just being gay. It doesn't mean we're dancing. We're talking a lot with your hands. It looks like you're dancing. You're just watching like a side of your eye all night. And one of them's like, and you're like, oh, fuck you. You think you're hot shit.

I've seen selling sunset too. Yeah, I've got like three dancers I pull up. But anyways, drink it around the world. that you, so it was just really expensive. Dude, it's really expensive, but once you get to, like, Germany is, like, kind of in the middle. And once you get there, you realize, like, because other countries, like, they're not designed for drinking.

Like, when you go to, like, Ecuador, they're like, you can have this, like, fucking raspberry, like, sand drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not actually what it's called. But you're like, I, this is disgusting, and it costs me $14. Yeah. And, like, Japan, they're like, they give you a little, like, a little, little, little, little,

Saki. You're like, I don't want this shit. Everybody has to do the voices. It's like a black guy working in Japan. He's like, oh, here you go. You're like, you don't have to do that, man. It's like, I have to. Dude, you know what's really funny is in Universal.

There's like, there's like a Simpsons bar and it's, uh, Mo, the bartender. Yeah. It's just all these people who, like, can't really do his voice, but you know they have to. Every once in a while, they have to come up to your table and be like, ah, seems like you're really, uh, enjoying this place a lot, you know? But they fucking hate their job. it's really it's really sad I love theme parks

but your life it's got to be fucking insane like every day it's like you're Scooby Doo today at Universal Studios yeah go around it's always weird the Wright's thing

is always confuses me too I'm like how does because Disney owns Marvel but Universal used to own Marvel so now Universal Studios Orlando their park has all this Marvel stuff but now Disney's park

also has Marvel stuff and it's very confusing and then like somehow Scooby-Doo they have the rights to, which is Warner Brothers. So I don't understand how Universal Studios has Scooby-Doo drive up. I don't know how they do this. Yeah, I don't know.

I think, like, in terms of the Marvel stuff, they just built all these coasters. Yeah, and they're like, what are you going to take away? Yeah, we can't. It's probably written into, like, their contracts. So they're like, look, we get this for life. But, no, I don't know. Scooby-Doo.

Like, when are we going to see Scooby-Doo enter the MCU, dude? Is there Scooby-Doo ride? no no there's no scooby-due ride but if you go to Universal Studios they'd have like random parades throughout the day and Scooby-Doo just rolls up at some point and you're like that's fun but yeah I don't know but there's like weird things

we're like they're like we have a new Scooby-Doo ride and it's just a van in the parking line they take you to your car pop in yeah there's a dog in there there's a dog and then there's like a tall blonde guy sexually harassing a hot

redhead I don't know about the mystery machine. I waited 45 minutes to give it to the mystery. There's a giant sandwich toppling over. And I'm supposed to shove that in my mouth.

I don't like to eat it in one second. While this van is driving around. And not choke to death. I'm basically, you got a camera. He's like, yeah, put that hoagie down your mouth. You're like, what is this ride? It put like as many people as possible in the back of this, like, just a painter's van.

Yeah. 14 people. The whole time, there's a fat nerd looking. for her glasses on the ground. She's in the way. I can't eat my sandwich. That movie also. By the way, I love calling it James Gunn's Scooby-Doo.

Because it's so funny to be like, James Gunn's rendition of the Scooby-Doo films. We watched that reason. That was fun, too. Like the original one? Yeah. The original James Gunn, Scooby-Doo film. Dude, I think that was my sexual awakening. When Sugar Ray was in there.

Yeah, I got on two-gy-map a graph up there. Oh, scrap. No, but it was, yeah, it was when the guy turns into a girl. Dude, that was like, I think that's when my love for trans women started. When Fred goes into that. When Fred was, like, trapped inside of Daphne. Yeah. He's like, I'm going to fucking touch my son.

He didn't say that. But he's like, looking at his tits. Yeah, he's like, holy shit. Yeah, because I switch by just fingering his ass and smelling it. He's like, so hot that I'm just a asshole. Yeah. still smells like ass. What the fuck?

I thought he was supposed to smell like vagina. He has no idea there's a vagina. This doesn't smell like vagina. What kind of fucking woman is this? It's just poop all over his hand. Oh my God. This pussy tastes so good. Fred, you're figuring.

That's not where the vagina is. But it would be nice to be a woman for like a day. How do I solve the mystery of where is her penis? But don't you, I think it would be nice for a day because then you can really, I feel like you can really learn about like a woman sexually. Yeah, I guess you'd be like, oh, that feels good. But every vagina is different though.

Like there's certain girls are like this or that, you know. A lot of girls actually like small penises. People don't know that. You switch bodies for one day and then you go back to your girlfriend and you're like, this is the late. Maybe. I've learned to something. I don't know if you know this, but you can fit an entire case of tic-tacks out there.

Also, why? So every time when I ask you, if you have a tic-tac, maybe now you should. You whore. I'm supposed that has a bit of body swap movie, like a sexist man switches with like a woman. And then they have to like, that should be a freaky Friday. Switches with like a major like feminist. Yes. How was it not been a movie?

Yeah, like a frat bro and then like a New York. Times, like, a writer about, like, mail, whatever. Yeah. I don't read the Times. That could be, like, the best movie ever. It could be, like, great. They could make it perfectly. And the reviews for it right now would just be, like, horrible.

People would have, like, a shell, whatever popcorn. People wouldn't even see it. They'd just be, like, this movie's terrible. Well, unless it was, like, the girl turned into the guy and then killed herself as the guy, it was like, something like that. Yeah, it's like, bettering. The Hunt. Yeah, I heard that was supposed to be, like, an on. It was funny, and it was actually like...

It actually was good. I watched it. I was like, this is not bad at all. It is funny. It made me laugh. But like, all the reviews for it were like, this is like a conservative, like... And it's not, it's made by Damien. It's not really.

It is like the middle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's made by Damien. Marley. Marley. Marley. But yeah, Damien Marley. But yeah, it is funny, though.

That was with, uh, it was like the blonde girl, right? And she like... Ike Barrenholz was in it. Yeah. Yeah, that was a great movie. Half the, half of them were, like, the reviews were like, this is like conservative propaganda. But it was made by

the guy who made Lost and Watchman which was like very liberal. But the other half of the reviews were the opposite. They were like, this is a movie about like killing conservatives. Oh yeah, yeah. And like people are upset about it. But it's like it's just a movie about it's how you're all stupid. Conservative propaganda

is like the funniest thing ever. Oh yeah. Like it's no like it's not like subtle. Like when I sent you the podcast movie with Mel Gibson coming out. So, I didn't see this? I joked around, I said, morning good at the movie. It's like Mel Gibson is like an edgy, uh, radio, edgy,

edgy radio DJ. Reggie radio. Reggie radio. The thing says edgy radio DJ, whatever, like, gets his family kidnapped by like an upset listener. So it's basically like, Mel Gibson's this DJ who's like, I tell it how it is. Whatever, boys, he's fucking liberals go take me.

And then somebody's like, we're going to play a game, Mel. It's like, I've got your family. And he's like, it's like, like the trailer looks, I would still see it. Because I'm like, let's see Mel Gibson just at 60, beat the shit out of people.

Yeah. The Daily Wire made a movie about, um, there's like a school shooting. Yeah. And then these like three girls that go to the school, uh, they like save the day by just getting more guns.

Yeah. Going back into the school. And the school shooters, they're like liberal like Antifa guys. Yeah, of course. It's so fucking stupid. Wait,

is it the Daily Wire is conservative? of? I'm so lost in what this, the idea of this movie. It's whatever the Ben Shapiro's thing is. So yes. So, Jewish. I know Ben Shapiro.

And he's a Jew. Yeah, that, that is funny. I mean, I told you, I think my idea, my rendition of die hard is the best.

I'm not going to get into it on the podcast, but, I like the idea of die hard where it's just a, it's a guy, um, exfixating himself and masturbating. And then he's dead. He's got a big old boner.

That's not a terrible. It's not a bad idea. I don't know how you stretch that into 90 minutes. It's like one of those movies that takes place in one room. And people keep calling him and he's like, I'm almost there. He's like, God, just let me do my thing. Honey, how's it going? Mom, now's not the top.

He's like tightening a bell around. It's not a good time, mom. Someone knocking on the door for rent. Yeah, there's some weird subplot about like his mom is dying or something. Yeah. She like keeps calling and he's like, you can't die now. I haven't finished a jerking off

while choking myself. Yeah, that's a movie I would not see. That is, that's like a common thing, right, where people do die of auto-orotic sophistication, people say it's suicide. Like, that's like a real, that's a whole plot of a movie, but apparently that's something that happens like all the time. Yeah. The family's just like, no, no, he was very sad.

Imagine that's how Bob Sagitt died. And then, like, his family found him, and they just fucking, like, hate him in the head. A bunch of times. Because everyone's, like, what, he fell from 40 feet and then got in his bed and died. Yeah, yeah. With a belt around his neck.

I love if he was jerking off two full house. They just fucking, like, everywhere you look. How do you go that far down that road where you start jerking off with a belt or any neck? I mean, ask any women. Because that's, yeah. dude. I think it's like

crazy statistic of women like to be choked during sex. But that, not like with a noose. Yeah, but I think that's how it escalates. It's like, I think a lot. But I don't understand how dudes get into it because no woman chokes a dude during sex. It's also, every time a guy dies of that, they're like in their middle age. Yeah, yeah.

Young people are like, I'm fucking, this is great still. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get old enough. You're like, this is so goddamn boring. Yeah, usually, like, if I'm not enjoying first of all, like, when do you ever, like, really want to, like, really enjoy masturbating. You're excited all day.

Usually it's like, oh, I got my candles and my liquids. Yeah, I'm so horny for myself later. Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to get like into it because it was like, I was like, can I come even harder?

And I did this one thing with it were like, if you get ice cubes and you put it on your testicles before, this just sounds like somebody playing a prank on weird people. Apparently you were supposed to put ice cubes under your testicles right before you're about to come. Yeah. And then it does not feel any better, by the way.

How do you keep them frozen until right before you come, you put them there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you jerk off just like near the freezer. Basically, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just dip your balls and I like, hot, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Like, I don't, like, well, even more than choking themselves, like, women, dude, they use, like, power tools. They use, like, construction equipment. They go inspector gadget on the pussy.

Yeah. They really do, dude. Yeah, nah, man, man, nah. Yeah. The only thing I'll do this crazy is I have corded headphones. Sometimes I'll just wrap those around my balls and kind of like tug at them while watching a video, which is fun. I made it, my girlfriend is like anything I say, she's cool with it. She thinks it's funny, whatever.

One time I made a joke where I referenced like a Hitachi magic wand, and she was like, why do you know what that is? Really weird about it. Is that like a stimulation equipment for the female? You don't know what that tachie is? No. You don't know how to make women. I thought of like, you know, I don't know. sex. Me and Jake are sex experts

over here. I have no way. I know it involves having a mustache. That's about it. A tomagatchi. A tomagatchi dildo. Yeah, every time I shove a tomogachi in my ass, I can't come. Why would they put the little key chain thing at the end?

That's another one of the egg. People like, yeah, put this egg in your ass. What? The vibrating egg in your ass makes you come. And it's always like poor dudes, it seems like. I don't think you put an egg in a woman's ass. And then you come and you're like, Baccah!

Yeah, the only way I'm doing that is Easter. Dude, you know what I was... Do you think, by the way, do you think real quick, if there was something in the Bible that said you put eggs in your ass during it, do you think people would... I know I would. Yeah.

Because I believe in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. That'd be one of those things that you meet someone, they're like, yeah, but Christian, I don't really observe everything. Yeah. You know, I like to eat sushi sometimes. It's like a different sect of Christian. It's like, we believe Jesus died on the cross,

but we all. also believe that you shouldn't shove eggs in your ass but then there's the people who are like oh no I shove an egg in my ass to come but gay people are wrong and they have a thousand year war we are the egg

bearing people they're walking to the war like this you heathens will put eggs in your assholes or die by the cross we just don't want to do that you were saying that before I cut you off, though.

Oh, I was like, so I don't, like, really jerk off or watch porn anymore. Right. I'm kind of doing the no-fap thing, but I know. Why, so many male comedians are doing the no-fap? But I'm not, like,

I'm not like reading the scriptures of no-fap. That is a weird. I'm just trying. People watch one Andrew Tate, I don't even know if that's his thing, but there's always, like, an Andrew Tate-like guy who's like, you need to reserve your semen

so you can be the most masculine man out there. Yeah. And so that's how you will become the best chess player in America. It's just because it makes, like, sex better. Because I think that, yeah. Because I think that you're having sex. I don't understand the full semen retention. People are like, no, I'm not fucking women.

We knew a comic that did that. It was like, yeah, I'm not fucking women. Yeah, like Nathan Orton did it for, like, I was going to say, Nathan Orton. He was having sex. He just wasn't coming. I don't understand that. That's crazy.

I don't fucking. One, the no-fap thing, like, it makes sex feel better, more power to you. I'll never stop jerking off. Yeah. No, I get that. But, like, what I ended up, because you get really horny very quickly. if you're not jerking off. So I was like, how do I do this?

Because I just don't want like the death grip because I'm a squeezer. I really squeeze your penis. And I didn't want like that. So I was like looking at pocket puss. This was the first time ever in my life. I've like summoned the courage. And dude, now they're like named.

They like model them to like portographic actresses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like exact one to one replica. It's always weird though because it's not, no one of those are up to date. Like I've walked through a check shop and it's like, Like, you know, some woman who was like a porn star in the 90s. And I'm like, why are they still making her pussy?

That's absurd. Like Lisa Ann's pussy's basically like throwing a hot dog down a hallway at this point. You can hear echo. What a time to access the courage reserves. I have to muster all my courage to look at fake vaginas. And dude, they're like 70 bucks. That's my bad. Yeah, I fucked Lisa Ann.

Did you really want me? Might as well. I know what it feels like. You guys don't even know what it's like to be inside of Lisa. I do because I brought a little. model of her vagina. Yeah, but I was like, honestly. Do you guys have the Lisa Ann model? No? Okay.

Will it come in a couple weeks or is it one of those where you guys just don't have it at all? Yeah. Talk shop with the guy for a bit. That's the weird. You go to sex shop, but people do want to talk to. Like, can you help with that? I'm like, no, don't fucking talk to me at all. Yeah. Yeah. Face the wall right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I wear a phone. Because look, I'm going to look at the dildos. I don't want one. I'm just, they're

fun to look at. Okay. I'm going to stare at the dildos. Yeah, I make sure nobody know. I wear a fold. kabuki makeup when I go I don't want anyone to know. Is it the Chinese white face? Yeah, yeah. And I'm like,

hello, do you know? I love the idea of me just going with the mustache and glasses to the board shop to get stuff. The last time I went to like a sex shop

was, I don't know, I was like 18, I was with my girlfriend. And we went to one that was like a feminist one where the whole point is like, we're trying to make you feel comfortable here

and we want to like find the way you or get. and stuff. And so it's very hands-on. It looks like an Apple store and people just follow you around. They're like, where are you in like your orgasm journey? Not to me. They're like, the fuck are you doing it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your orgasm journey is over. We're going to go ahead and peg your boyfriend in the back here. That's, I like, I don't know, like, really weird. Some people know exactly what they want. Like, they know exactly what, like, their kink is. I have no idea. Yeah. Like, there might be something deep down. I don't have a

crazier thing that I just like to have sex. Yeah. I think that's... But you see the cool stuff in the story you're like, oh, okay, that looks interesting.

Like, you know, some weird, you know, thing you put on your taint and it vibrates or something. You're like that. Maybe. I don't know.

Yeah. I don't know if I'm open enough with myself to have had that moment in a sex shop. I'm never like, that looks cool. Yeah. Let me try this thing out

for $45. Hey, have you ever shoved this up your ass? Does this feel good in your ass? I always love the clear sign on every sex shop. It's like, no refunds. Somebody's going to come over like a shit cover dildo.

they're like, this is just not working for. Just dripping cum. Pants still around your ankles. It's just in a Ziploc bag. They're like, I lost the packaging. Is this okay? I actually liked it so much I fucked the box, too. I went to a sex shop one time and there was like,

like at the register, there was all these like dick pills and stuff. And there was one just like basket that just had like a flash card on it and written in like a sharpie just said, fuck juice, $1. And I'm like, first of all, what is fuck juice?

Second of all, a dollar? I'm going to trust you. With whatever this is, and it only costs a dollar. How much is it going to make this better? How much is it going to give me like a rash? Oh,

yeah. On my inner thigh, you know? Yeah, because it's always like, your Japanese lettering on it. You're like, is this safe to take?

Did you guys get this legally? You buy it. And the dude's like, hey, let me know. if you like that fuck juice, I can always make more. I got a bat in the back. The bed's, I remember we were like in middle school.

And you know they have that? So the gas station says horny goat weed. Yeah, I have no idea what that even is. But we're like, wouldn't it be a funny prank if we put this in our buddy's drink? Not to fuck him, but you're like, and he'll be all horny during the day. And that'll be like a funny prank. And we were trying to buy it at this door. And the guy at 7-Eleven's like, you guys trying to make your friend horny?

You're like, yeah, it's like a prank. Because this is the point you don't know, you don't even know about sexual assault. You're like at sixth grade. You're like, this was a funny prank. Yeah. You put something in his thing. Maybe he like has to deal with being horny and he goes home. That's a funny prank.

And they're like, he's like, that's really gay that you guys want to get your friend all horny. You want to make your friend want to fuck goats. When are you going to even reap the benefit of that prank? You're not going to know he's horny. Of course. We're just like, it's just a funny prank. We're like, it was a dumb idea. You're all hanging out and he's like, holy horny, you guys.

What did you do? Yeah. Why am I so hard right now? Oh, yeah, girl's hot over there? Yeah, you took the horny goat weed, but you didn't know that. There is a comic, I won't say his name, but there's a comic who told you. Nathan Orton. Took a lot of the horny goat weed, and he was like singing its praises.

He's like, you got to do it. Dude, I think I heard somebody say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, it was just funny that the guy shamed us with homophobia. He's just talking to like 12-year-old kids. He's like, hey, you guys, gay? You're going to make your friend all gay with your gay. And we're like, you're right, sir.

I'm so sorry, sir. We're putting this right back on the shelf. Have you ever taken the gas station This shit you find out of the bathroom Like the rhino XX Tiger X I've heard people say that it's such crazy Tiger Lion penis

Does stuff Yeah I don't know I'm sure it does something I don't know The container is always so cool It's like in a glass Like weird thing It's like a clear container

With like the pill inside of it Yeah they're like someone's got to buy this For some reason other than the pill I think Yeah I think they make up because I don't think they sell If they were like Dickhard pill I think they gotta put like

an animal on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, get his heart as like a zebra or something. I can see Steve Yensel getting into that. Every time you buy a pill, you get a free, like, wolf shirt. Some guy tried to, like, pitch me on that. He's like, yeah, you know, boner pills are cool,

but my buddy actually works for a company where their job is to get cattle erect. So he has liquid, like, horse Viagra. You got to try it. I'm like, no. No. You can take a blue tree. That's got.

I don't need to take a horse spot. That's insane. That's how people get hurt. Yeah, dude. What part of you is like, my dick's not a hard? I need a horse. Yeah, I better start looking into the rest of the animal families for this problem. Yeah, start with goose.

Would you take a pill? This is like a limitless pill situation. Would you take a pill? Every time you took it, it made your dick like five inches longer and just super hard. But you can never get hard without the pill. I bring it. Oh, no. I don't think I need much more

Yeah I wouldn't want a 7 inch penis Yeah Yeah that would not be worth it at all Because also like like what's supply Is it like one of those The limitless pill is like Do you know what I heard the other day Is that Norm MacDonald

Had a 6 inch flaccid penis Like it just sat six inches But then when he got hard it didn't get any longer Isn't that so funny? Yeah, he's a shower. There are guys that are actually showers. I always thought showers were the people on the subway who flashed you or they're caught.

Are you a grower or your shower? I thought they're a sexual deities. Look at it now. I'm a surer. Are you a pervert? Oh, my God. Isn't that weird? You just have like a flapping.

Just a loose skin thing. That's a lot. Yeah. Imagine peeing with a fucking long, soft penis? That's disgusting. Yeah. It's like you're just like a wales penis. It's just like

Yeah Wait, where did you Who said that by the way? It was on Howard Stern I was listening To like an old Howard Stern So Norm I understand you have a six inch

Flessed penis He's like Yeah What He's just He's just a voice Nice to say Yeah

Norm McDagmelt That's your name Why are you saying then Yeah doesn't everybody Yeah I was It's a Cog I got a cock

It's a It's a Yeah I did have a moment the other day where, like, the first day it was, like, cold this year. I went in the bathroom to pee, and I was like, my dick is the smallest ever been. It's gone. It was fucking crazy. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know how that moment. My friend said to, like, do you guys shave your balls? No, I trim my balls. My friend said, if you want to shave your balls, what you do is you get them really cold, and then all the hair stands up that you can shave your balls. Oh, nice. Why do you need to do, shave your balls?

I don't like having hair on my balls. Yeah, but the second you shave it, just comes back uncomfortable. Yeah, you don't want to like an ingrown hair or anything like that. That's true. Yeah, that's why I just trim the balls. I already have an ingrown penis. That's really big.

It's just inside me. That's Fred in the mirror. Why is her penis inside her body? Oh, yeah. That's a callback. There was this kid in my... There was a couple years younger than me. He lived in my street.

And my mom was friends with his mom. and at one point he was like he like went to the hospital for something and my mom told me he's like you have to be very nice to him he was in the hospital he had a surgery because he had a like a blockage in his like urinary tract and he couldn't pee it's oh it's terrible and i've learned since then he was like putting pebbles in his dick home and he had to get surgery that's way worse than like going to the hospital with something stuck in your ass yeah what did you think was gonna you're gonna accomplished by. Oh, I've never had anything inside my

penis. I'm terrified of the idea. Yeah, that was horrible. Yeah, people. Like a catheter sounds scary or like the, uh, the idea they're like, there's certain, uh, tests where they put a Q-tip like in your penis and like, this is necessary? Oh, yeah. Like, I feel like you're making this up at this point. I feel like they just make, right, we do swab your ears and then the inside of your

penis. I think they just make it up so you wear a condom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if you don't get this, like, yeah, actually the test for gonorrhea is, you know, black guy comes in just fuck you in the ass. The gonorrhea goblet will come and put little things

in your dickhole. This is always the obnoxious images. Like, this is trinkets. What's an egg in your hands? The Easter buddy comes and shoves eggs.

Those are the funniest pictures where you're like, this is somebody with an STD. It's like a man with like his penis cut off. You're like, is that really what type one herpes is?

It's just a dog that got hit by a car. I thought about what happens. I thought about you that the other day. I saw a road kill the other day and I thought of the idea of just picking up roadkill like you know just a possum who's completely

just like basically like nothing's there just bringing it into a veterinarian and be like do you think you bring a bag? I think my dog ate chocolate. It's just basically like a pellet. Just completely run over covered blood. You can see like a firestone

tire thing. It's fucking I think it's heart beating. I can't tell. I think he is. Yeah. He has, like, you know when a dog gets sick, his nose gets a little wet, his nose is a little wet. I think you might not be doing it.

I don't know. We changed his diet. This is, this is, yeah. It's been like lethargic recently. Every time I throw the tennis ball, he just doesn't want to go give it. This is an armadillo. It's covered in blood. This is not.

Oh, my God. There's a guy in college who, uh, he was the kicker for Florida State. and this guy got so drunk, he went to a paternity house, and literally took their turtle and broke it in half, which is like the cruelest act. Yeah, that's horrible. It's insane, though, yeah. It's like, they're having, like, a fun rivalry for a bit,

and then they're both like, all right, we got to deal with that guy. Yeah, that's insane. Dude, he ripped the turtle in half. He killed one of our pets. That's horrible. Yeah, yeah. Very, like, super villain, like, though, like just ripping it.

I don't even know how you do. I mean, it is an impressive, you know, show of strength, but I'm like, that's insane to do. Yeah, it's just, terrifying. I'd be like, let's not talk to that return anymore. They win. Oh, no, it wasn't, but it was a kicker of a school, but he, like, was

partying in a fraternity. He's like, yeah, let me just break their turtle and a half. It's terrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's terrifying. Also, it's like, there's nothing more innocent than, like, a turtle. They're just so adorable. Just a little small, walking around slowly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's terrible. This is a snapping turtle. You get a lot of those in Florida, where it's

like, it's, their neck reached out super far as they, like, bite very hard, yeah. But also, it's pretty easy to avoid. Just don't go towards a snapping turtle. yeah i mean i have i'm just like with animals and stuff i'm like why don't you ever yeah or an animal like that like fucking if i don't have to kill a bug i won't like i'm like yeah i don't i don't really care but there is this in my hometown one time there was this kid who like at like a little league baseball game this kid it was like on the sidelines was just like

bothering a dog like throwing shit at the dog and like hitting it in the face and the dog jumped up and like bit the kid like near the ear and his ear like got ripped a little bit and he had to get like stitches. And the family was like, we want you to put the dog down. They were like suing to put the dog down. And everyone at the time was like, fuck you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck your kid. Yeah, it's such a big move. Yeah. You, everyone knows your kid was just like throwing rocks at this dog. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I'm so self-conscious about the smell of my asshole now.

Would you poop in there? No. But Christiana Jackson told me that white guys have gross. smelling assholes. And my reaction, I was like, well, yeah, it's an asshole. He's pooping there. Yeah. Like, what are you looking at? Honestly, if you're so... Black, dude's butt smell amazing. Apparently, that's so funny.

I wanted to be a funniest stereotype being like, Blackie's asses smell amazing. I wanted to be a little, well, Christina, all black women, no. Just have some crazy thing. Yeah, I'm pretty like, as of late, pretty conscious of like my asshole health. I have been since that. Yeah, that'll make you self-conscious about it. But she's also, I think she talks on stage about she just likes eating dudes' asses. She likes eating dudes' asses.

So she's like, but also that's how many black dudes let you get close to their ass? Like, 2%. Yeah. Listen, this is just based off of what I have seen every time a stand-up comic. Every black guy is like, don't get near my ass. I'm like, I don't know, you were talking about the beach. I have no idea how we got here. They're like to stay away.

They're like the Air Force Ones of the lower body. Don't touch Don't touch him. Where would your Air Force ones are on the lowest part of your body? Yeah. I'm gonna hit this five times. Yeah, dude,

give me war of this. Is this, are you feeling anything from these mushrooms? I'm not feeling just fine. A little bit, yeah. A little bit, yeah. We'll run extra longer so we can hear you guys.

Getting trippy, bro. I'm down to run, dude. I'm like, barely. That cough was sponsored by Airbar. Airbar, wake up your neighbors. You know, I was reading,

apparently Michael Cain came out with the answer to Inception. Inception is Batman. It's senile. But that's annoying, but I love Christopher in all movies, but it's always like the loudest action sequence, and then they're talking,

and it's just them whispering Britishly so quiet, he's like, the thing about the joke. I'm like, dude, I have to turn my TV up now, just to hear what Michael Kane's saying. Why is he whispering to Christian Bail? Christopher was like, I think the Joker is this. And he's like, well, I think the Joker.

And I'm like, well, I think the game. I can't hear what the fuck you're saying. And then, and I'll turn the volume all the way up. But the next scene is just like, burr. And that's just the introduction. Yeah. It's just the sound of rainfall. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, what the fuck, dude? But apparently he said, Christopher Nolan told him, he goes, he's like, how do I know what's a dream and what's not a dream in this movie? And he goes, any scene that you're in is not a dream. Wow. So that end of inception, is real because he sees him at the airport. That explains why I never have dreams about Michael Cain.

He's not in him. Yeah, he's not in him. Yeah. So that I really answered the whole entire, the question that I've been wondering for years. It's like, is that a dream at the end? And apparently it's not. Like, that's real life. Oh, interesting.

Yeah. That movie is like... Yeah. You like the mystery? Yeah, yeah. Well, you can just pretend we never had this conversation. Yes, Jesus, dude. You can just never listen to this podcast.

It's also, what did you find out? Michael King gets like murdered tomorrow. It's like serious information. He's not supposed to. How did you hear that? I just read it online. Oh, so you don't even fucking know that. Well, Michael King said in an interview says, yeah, on a written interview, so I have no idea.

But it also could have been like Michael Kaine's on set and he's like, so how, what is? And he's like, all right, Michael. If you're in it, if you're in it, not a dream, all right? It's just not accounting for. But what's going on, dude? And he had a dreamer, I don't, fucking, you're not even in this. Did I take my pills or didn't I take my pills or didn't I take my? I can't remember, Michael, it's a dream.

Go to bed. Is this a dream? You're in a movie. I'm in the movies. I'm in the movie. Is this Austin Powers 3? Or is this Muppet Christmas, Carol? I don't know.

This is not a dream. You're in the movie. I'm the Joker. No, you're not. You're not the Joker. You're Alfred. Alfred. That but not in this movie.

I'm Alfred. It is funny. He's like, what are you talking about? That's Joe Schoen, he's, he's robin. No, no, no. Same actor, different movies. No, I like to use the same actors. Yeah.

But Sillian Murphy, isn't he in Dunkirk? Michael Kane shows up dressed as Batman. It's like just like the upper half and the lower half is just dick hanging out. He's just joking Silly and Murphy. He's like, scarecrow. He's like, no, no, different guy. He's a different movie. Completely.

I think I'm ready for my lines. Michael, you're not in this movie. Stay, get back in the car. Get back in the mystery machine. I think he's been dating like the same woman like his whole life. It's like this Indian woman. You know what?

Because like she's beautiful, isn't she? She's really attractive. Yeah, yeah. And I saw like pictures of him. I don't know why this always surprises me. But like they show these older celebrities who are great actors. And then they're like, oh, this is them when they were young.

And they're just like so handsome. Like I always forget that like old people were, were handsome. Besides Leslie Nielsen, that guy was the same age as whole act. Him and Steve Martin were just had white hair since they were like five years old. Yeah. It's the weirdest. My grandfather's had white hair since he was like 25. Like shock white. How old is Jonathan Tillison? Tilsen? I think he's like 34, 35. Yeah, he has completely white hair. Completely white hair. It's cool. It's cool. It is cool when you like submit to it, you know?

If you're not balding, but you just have fucking white hair. It's cool. I have some grays coming in. Oh yeah? Last time I got my hair. cut there. I saw some grays in there. And it's all coming to an ass. No, I think it was because like, I just had like a very stressful

month. Yeah. And then like, like I just, I'd never seen him before. And now they're fucking happening. I'm excited. Steve Martin's was stressed out the whole time. Is that what it is? He's making like balloon animals and playing the ban show on stage. He's like, it's so fucking, I can never get this thing in tune. I want my hair to just go white

though. I don't want it to be like. Dude, you'd look sick with long white hair. Oh, my God. Yeah, you look like a Game of Thrones kid. That'd be badass. So for the listeners, he has long, long hair. So that would be badass. Yeah, you would look like a game.

I don't know. I'd never been able to get into it. It's like porn acting. Right, yeah. And it's like, also, I don't think. That's my friend Robbie told me that. Yeah. It's like, that's accurate.

And I don't think it's that hard to act to speak in a medieval accent and just say things seriously. It's like, it's such a far out character that like it doesn't have. You're like, you're like, you're like, you killed my son and now I will murder you and everybody's that's such good acting it's not hard to do anybody could fucking

that's the whole thing it's like I fucked your brother you fucked my dad it's also a little like I think rude that like they all talk like British people yeah it's like British people

were not around before like black and Chinese people what do you mean right like Pangia but there's no it's not history the dragons

didn't even come about until yeah but they probably You're probably sound of those like there are no black elves people. Wait, there's black elves? Not in my... Stop the podcast. Not in my Mordor.

We have to go to City Hall. Where does my... Who do I vote for to get black elves? I'm always like, I have no issue with that verse. They feel, but did you guys watch the Watchman show? That was one that went to like over the top of the watchman. Yeah. Is that the one about superheroes?

Yeah. So what they did was, so Dr. Manhattan, he's always been a white guy. But what they did is... Doesn't he also have a huge cock? Yes. So in like the Washington movie... Take notes. Yeah. The movie and the book, he's like this white guy that becomes blue or whatever. And in the TV show, what they did, it's like a sequel to this. They're like, actually,

he shrunk his body and went into a metal piece that they put in a black guy. And I'm like, you guys don't have... You could just make the actor, like the character. Like, everything they did was like that extra. I was like, so you literally, you're like, we acknowledge the character is white, but then we're putting him into a black guy's body so that we can get diversity points. And there was another character who's like, who wore a mask, but you know, you can tell what race somebody is when they're wearing a mask because like their eyes, you can see the eye color. He was actually a black guy and they're like, okay, but he was doing white face on his eyes to make them look black. And I was like, this is, this is jumping through. You could have

just made the character black in this, but like, yeah, now you're taking these random things. You're like, yes, I know Harry Potter was white, but what if Harry Potter had a racial body? They switched brains with another character who is a black man. It's like, this is just way jumping through hoops to make, yeah. Yeah, I think the ultimate thing is most black people can never learn magic. And that's why. Yeah, that's it. Because they would cast a spell and then immediately run out of the room.

What? What does that have to do with anything? Don't they like, uh, like, uh, like, every time there's like a magic trick, they like, uh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's, I don't think it's, I think of the blacks and Hispanics. there's a stereotype that magic scares them. Yeah. Well, technology scares Hispanic people. Yeah.

What? I'm just inventing stereotypes. Yeah. It's just like, it's just like, you're like, black dudes have great smelling asses. Hispanic people are scared of technology.

What? Scared of technology. That's pretty funny. I'm going to write that sound. Just start spreading teratimes around that. Yeah. Just go on stage. Yeah.

So you know how, yeah, Chinese people can't drink water. Well, I think that's hard because what do I like water? I don't know. Are those shroops kicking? Is that what's happening? Yeah, I think so a little bit.

They're not really hitting me that hard right now. Yeah. Are you one of those people, I think, when he's on drugs, he's just the same guy. Yeah. That was Adam Christa. I went hiking, which was fucking awesome. I went hiking last week.

I got a job now, by the way, for the listeners. Don't worry about it. But before I got a job, I went hiking. And we went into the woods. And Adam Christopher, it was just taking pictures of everything. Like, literally he'd take a picture of people's shoes just for like the whole trip. And he took an edible. He said, he went to edible?

I was like, nah, I'm good. And then I was like, I have some adderol in my backpack like joking. He's like, oh, do you? He's like, I'll take an adderol. And I was like, you take an Adderall and an edible. And then he's like, drugs don't affect. I'm the same exact guy. And he was just spot on the same guy no matter what he's doing.

Yeah, he is like, if you're like got to have like a DMT trip or, whatever. Like, he'll, like, show up in your trip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a spirit guide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or is that because he's Native American? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He seems... I think he is. I don't know. I know he, like, doesn't disclose it, so maybe not. I don't know. I've never speculated

about his race. Well, his real name is actually a long-toe silver shoe. Shoe. Yeah, they didn't have shoes. They had fires inside. Have you seen the old... Because there was obviously Native Americans

that lived in New York City and when it was snowing, there was this one thing where they have like snow shoes and stuff like that. And then they show sunglasses from Native Americans and they're just wooden glasses

with like little slits for the eye. So you get like less light in but it's like the smallest things like just your few... It's literally a wooden... They're literally Tuscan Raiders. Yeah. Yeah.

Star Wars. Yeah, they look like, what's it called? Like the Kanye glasses. Imagine that, but made out of wood, but there's only one tiny slit going across. I was like, these are weird sunglasses, but I can also want to rock them and walk around. Yeah, that's, honestly, that's like kind of genius. Because, like, how long did it take? It took a while to make glass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they make, like, tinted glass. Yeah, probably. I don't know. That's pretty tough. Benjamin Franklin apparently made glass, but then he didn't, I don't know. Yeah, he also made chlamydia, so I don't know if he made everything. Great.

Yeah, that's always the thing we were. like Thomas Edison invented the light bulb and you're like, well, no, he actually didn't. He just perfected the light bulb. Do you ever hear that joke on Norm MacDonald Live? Yes, that's my favorite joke. Have you ever heard that? Which one? He's like, Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, but I invented the light bulb in my ass.

We're at an hour now, though. What do you guys want to promote? Are we done? Yeah. Oh, man, I was just having fun. You alone. I'm kidding. Um...

Oh, you guys. Let's see. Just check me out on Instagram at Patty is Funky. Same. My Instagram is Jake. He's also Patty is funky. Yeah.

Jake is Spunk funky. Um, uh, headlining in Rhode Island at the George. Whoa. Day after Thanksgiving. Is the gorge or the George? It's called the George. George.

Okay. The gorge does sound more like a venue than... Yeah. Just some guy. I think the gorge is a location that you like music festivals. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, that's not... I'm at the George in Providence, Rhode Island.

Or if you want to have more fun, go to the gorge and watch music and don't see Jake. Yeah, or go to the gorge. And by the way, please just message both these guys hate speech, like once a week on Instagram. Just really hateful stuff. Yeah, I just need something to do. Yeah, you're into internet beefs now, right? Oh, I'm in a big Instagram beef. Oh, with whom?

with, what's his name? Just someone. No, I want to get his name. Luke Rothschild? Really? Not really, but he claims I stole his idea.

I was doing jokes about the news. What? It is kind of funny. So, yeah, we're in a little bit of a squall right now. That's not a... The squall is a winter storm.

I'm going to start doing just... We like, just see a clip of stand-up comedy and be like, you stole my... Yeah. telling jokes on stage that's my thing dude

yeah yeah yeah it is funny because like back of the day it's like I used to be like this person is doing this person and like there is obvious joke these but sometimes you're like you guys there's no way that Norm McDonald

did your joke as an open mind like you know like people say it people haven't even seen them I'm like that didn't happen yeah well that was the thing I was like oh parallel thinking

because at first I was like what do you mean like did I oh and then I was like oh did I like do the same joke and then I watch this video and we didn't even do like the same topics. Yeah, yeah. So I think he actually believes that he invented topical humor.

No, Trevor Noah invented that. But anyways, thank you for listening.