Morning Good - Your Relatives Are Relative - Episode 74

Episode Date: April 24, 2022

Thanks to Paddy for joining us on the show solo, check him out and give him a follow to keep up with any shows coming up in NYC or on the road. You can find him on IG @paddy_is_funky and Twitter @paddydefino.As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They call it the podcast? Morning good, good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. Yeah, bitch, I still wear a Gucci. I'm chilling with a group. Beating up a coo. Yeah, my life for music. I can't do shit. Yeah, bitch, I dozy.

I don't. I'm feeling real hard. No recruits. Oh, right. We're here with Patty Defino. That was him on that last verse. That was me, dude. I've been known to drop a bar or two.

Yeah, that was actually no sense with Young Dolph and Kie Glock. Who, who, how do you find these rappers? So I actually looked up a different song and that song came up. Like, by chance, I was like, this is the song I was like, no, it isn't. But this, this goes fucking hard as shit. It does. It does go hard. Yeah.

The people like that, I'm just like, logic should just kill himself. I mean, you know what I mean? Don't even... I don't hate logic. But you don't mean, you're like, you listen to so much like, what's it called? Like, the rap that's like well thought out. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think there's a name for it.

I think it's just like, like they're trying to make a point. That's the word. Yeah. Which I don't hate, but then you listen to this and you're like, fuck yeah. It just hits. Yeah. Like, it's honestly... Chilling with a groupie, beating up or Cucci.

Like, this, I don't know why. I just fucking love that verse right there. I know why. Yeah, because it's fucking badass. Yeah. No, dude, there's so many parallels between rap and comedy as it is, but it's kind of the same thing with comedy. It's like, do you want to make a point or do you want to say something really fucking funny? Yeah, or do you, exactly, with rap and say this, it's like, do you want to see something that's fucking cool?

Or do you want to, yeah. Like, I think people just like imitating, like, sometimes just people just making funny sounds on stage is better than like a well thought out, like, bit. Well, the same way, like Gucci Man could just be like, bur. Yeah. Is that what he's burr? I don't know. Scurr-scr. I got to be honest.

I am so out of the loop on rap. I'm like, lately I've been listening to a lot of Mac to Marco. I don't know if you ever got into him. Yeah, people like him now. Yeah,

I'm going to see him three months ago. Oh yeah, because I'm going to release these so late. This comes out. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to see him with, and the Strokes.

Oh, that'd be sick. Yeah. Dude, I love this. Strokes is perfect, like, walking around New York City.

Yeah, is it like they're from New York. Right. I know they're like. Yeah. I don't know where in New York, but I don't know if they're born here, but that style came out of like East Village.

Yeah. It kind of feels like modern art. It feels like an Andy Warhol kind of like just bold colors, like very, you know, distinct images. I don't know. Like sometimes you can see you. And you started like second guessing what you were saying. I'm just the second I started to make eye contact with you.

You're like, I don't know, man. Maybe it's hard. Well, sometimes don't you feel like if you listen to music, you can almost see it? 100%. Like certain bands of certain colors. Rap is black. No, but that is the thing where, like, certain music, I'm like, oh, this song is green or this song's kind of purple, or I see sort of like a thing.

But also it's based on what you... Probably, like, the album covers, too. Yes, the album cover, but some of it can be based on what you're doing. Like, you know, that song's like, so sick of love songs, so sad and slow. I heard that when I was like snow skiing as like a child. So now I associate that song with snow skiing, which is, there's no snow skiing related at all to that song. Do you want to know how I know your Mondo? dude.

You have to differentiate between snow skiing and water skiing. Oh, yeah. Mando. Yeah, yeah. Wait, what does Mando mean? Like, whoa, Mondo.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, fucking extreme. Yeah, yeah. I used to, yeah, I had a weird, like, association with what I thought was cool when I was a kid. Like, I hung out

with, like, pro wakeboarders, and then I would hang out at a rock climbing gym. And I'm like, these are the cool guys. The guy who doesn't do a rock climbing. Oh, yeah.

Which it is kind of cool, but it's also not cool. It's climbing a wall that's like... It is kind of the nerdiest sport. Oh, 100%. It's like an after, you know, once you're done with college and... But dude, it is fun.

Like, CrossFit was kind of that for a lot of people. I know a lot of people who got into CrossFit late and like now, like, as like women especially, like they're just so shredded. Oh, yeah, yeah. And like, we would know them in high school as like the girls that you would like cheat off of and stuff.

And like nobody would fuck them. And then they're just like, they just turn into these superhumans. Yeah, because it does take an extra amount of fuck you guys to get that. It does get that level of like, I'll show everybody at my high school. That's why I got fat because I was very cool in high school. So at this point, I'm like, I don't have to show anybody anything. Exactly.

I already showed everything I need. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I already had the debut of a lifetime. Yeah, it's so funny how little I care about my fucking weight. Like, it's so funny that I'm like... I'm the same way. I'm the same way. I've been seeing garbage reasons.

I mean, I also had like a horrible cough. Pnemonia was what it was and is still. but yeah so I can't really run but then I'm like I don't know man I'm drinking tomorrow so I can run you know what I mean I'm like I can run I need to actually do you like you run like on the on the streets I run around the town on the streets do you run around the town I mean I'm absolutely yeah I'll do um I'll run to the bridge and back which is kind of like they're kind of like sketchy because there's like projects over there yeah um so I'll kind of like run through the housing projects which gives you an extra little bit of run because you're

like it's dangerous I could get stabbed you're probably thinking about other things and Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then one time I saw some guy, it was so funny because it wasn't that funny, but there's a dude in like a domestic dispute with like a woman. And I was like, do I got to hop in here? And then they like hugged it up. And I was like, okay. Oh, that's good. Because it was like, she was shaking.

You know that thing you're like, is, am I going to watch a girl get hit? Am I going to have to do something? Dude, it's a worse. Right? There's that extra bit of your like, I'm going to stop this, but I really do not. Yeah. And then it always breaks up or something where it doesn't get physical or like. Exactly.

You know why it is the worst, too? is it's because like every time you don't do something, like it feels like you made the wrong. Like there's people out there. Like you ever think about like if there's like a kid or something who jumps on the tracks or whatever or falls down? Yeah. And like there's that moment where you're like, what would I do in this moment? You really don't know until it's happening.

You don't. And then when something like that does happen, you realize, oh, I'm a pussy. Yeah. And I'm not going to do anything for anyone. In your brain, you're like, oh, I would stop. this problem if there was, uh, what's it called? Like a hot girl watching or something or like, it's something like where you're like, there's a clear way for me to be safe, but then it's not heroic on it.

Yeah, exactly. You're like, oh, if I had a crowd of people. I did one time now, I remember I got out of the elevator of my college apartment. And there was this dude just holding this girl and she was screaming. And then we showed up and then we're like, what the fuck's going on here? Because luckily there was a bigger guy with me that I happened to be with. Yeah. And they're like, what the fuck's going on here?

And we walked up there where you guys need help and the guy like ran away. And then she, like, called the, I don't know if she's being raped or what. We were like, what the fuck? She was, like, crying. So, like, we didn't, we stayed around to make sure the guy, like, left. Dude, by the way, rape in an elevator, one of the worst places you can do it. You got to push all the buttons. Oh, I didn't know who for.

Because, no, for the person, it seems like you could easily press a button and then get out of it. Yeah. How bad would that be if you were getting raped in an elevator? And then somebody opens it and just like, oh, I'll take the next one. And you're like, yeah. Oh, this one looks a little crap. it for me. Yeah, you're like, no, please help. You're like, yeah, oh, sorry. I didn't see the stairs it is. Yeah, because you know there's people that would just like,

fucking close the door immediately be like, oh, yeah. Yeah, well, that's got to be like one of the worst things for everyone. Real quick, we're seven minutes in and we're talking about our brains are, I don't care. They're bad. This is who we are. I know. I'm done trying to shy away from my thoughts, but yeah. Yes. I actually, I, I have like, kind of an interesting thing to talk to you about because, like, last night I got asked to do a spot. I don't, the show and like it was a last on elevator on the way raped on elevator it was only the second floor too so it was a quick little number but anyway i uh i got asked to do this spot and like i go to the show i'm not going to say where the show is because like i don't want to blow up the whatever

is going on off mic i want to guess it but okay yeah it's in brooklyn i'll tell you that um and uh so i go to the to the show and like i don't i'm not drinking right now i'm like two and a half months sober. So like I go and I order just a ginger ale and the bartender is like, sure, like I give my card. He's like, just so you know, there's a $15 minimum. What the, that is. Yeah, it's a lot. But I, but I was like, okay, like whatever. There was seven people at the show. So it's not like, they were making any money. I'm like, whatever. So $15 minimum, uh, Levi was there. Levi White. Yeah. And I was like, just if you're getting like a drink, just put it on my tab because like I need to hit this minimum. He's like, sure. He ends up getting a couple beers.

Show is going. Like, it's fine. Whatever. I get up and, like, I wanted to do some crowd work. So I start, like, talking to the crowd, whatever. And the bartender looks like Jesus. So it's the easiest thing in the world. Right. So I'm just, like, making jokes. Like, he's, uh, this guy's great. You order a water. He brings you a wine, like that kind of thing. Just like typical biblical references, you know. But that's what's killing is the Jesus. jokes. So I'm this kind of psycho. And I wonder if you're the same way where I'm like, I don't think about him as a person anymore. I think about him as like a utility for me to get laughs. Right. So I'm just going and it's working and whatever.

And like every time I would start to lose the audience in the set, I would go back to Jesus jokes to bring it to revital it, to resurrect it. There you will. Yeah. So anyway, the set gets over. and I go to the bar and I'm like, hey, did I hit the $15 minimum? And he goes, it's a $30 minimum. And I was like, what? Did he just do that because fucking you make money? Well, you and your friend were both drinking.

It's $15 per person. I was like, but it's one car. What a fucking bitch. I was like, it's one card, though. And he's like, it doesn't matter. And he's kind of like tongue and cheek and I'm like a little bit like, all right. You're also a performer on the show.

You should get some discount. Yeah. That's fucking insane. Yeah. So anyway. I was like, I guess I'll take two shots of tequila. And I gave one to Levi and one to the guy who booked me. I don't want to mention his name because I don't want to give away the show or whatever.

But then he comes to, he comes back to me with the tequila shots. He goes, by the way, if you're looking to drink, there's a really good bar down the block and references a different place. Then he closes out and walks past me and puts the bill next to Levi. like right, walks right past me and puts it down and leaves. I was just wondering, like, do you ever have moments where you, like, try to, like, pick on, like, you, you, someone is just your, you know, whatever it's called, your slaughter, the lamb of slaughter, or whatever as far as on stage? Yeah.

Not really. I kind of balance it a little bit. Like, I, uh, no, no, no, no. I think it's just a piece of shit. Yeah. Well, that is so, there's so indicative, though,

of like, what does indicative mean? I feel like I've heard it in a context that's so... Indic... In ass, indicative. Okay, that's what it is.

Yeah. It's of like that fucking Brooklyn, like, I don't hate racial groups, gender groups. I hate sections. But,

no, no, no, I was like I was like to say, NYU kids. Hate them. Brooklyn hipsters. Hate them. Especially the workers,

dude, there's this certain, like, I love fucking, the customer There's an error about them where they're like, I'm allowed to look and act however I want. Yeah. You're not allowed to say anything about it.

Especially as a fucking, the service industry. Like, I don't, maybe I've just noticed in New York, but I've had some people that are fucking cock suckers, dude. And you're like, you're so rude to me. And I haven't said anything. I'm like, hey, is there this? And I'm like, why are you fuck? How do you have a job? Yeah.

You're a fucking asshole, dude. It's true. And it's like, like, I had that fucking, I was filing for unemployment. And I was fucking calling them. And they were just immediately like, she's like, no, that's not how it works. It's not how it works. I'm like, I'm fine. I'm not doing well.

I'm filing for an appointment. Why are you being a fucking dick to me? Please be nice. Yeah, you know who has a job? Fucking you. Yeah. So, fuck off. I think, I think it's money.

Yeah, yeah, because once you're in Brooklyn, like, you're not, you might be doing well if you're in like Williamsburg or whatever, but most of Brooklyn, you're not doing well comparatively to Manhattan. Yeah, it is funny. People have this rich people are dicks mentality. I think it's just across the board. Some people are dicks. Some people are dicks.

Some people are dicks. I think it's easier to not. I think it's easier to not be a dick when you have money. Yes. Because it just doesn't matter. There is like a detachedness where like they might be maybe more of a dick to like homeless people or stuff. I don't know. But they just, they just, I think people are just dicks in different ways depending on their financial income.

Because some people are like, like a rich person might see homeless person. They're like, no thanks, pal. And then a poor person might be like, fuck off, bro. But like they're both. One's just kind of a different, you know what I mean? For sure. I also like, I don't know. This guy was probably.

in his 30s. I feel like there's kind of a cutoff because there were older people at the show and they were laughing harder than the younger people at the show were. And I think there is a thing now with our kind of, not demographic, but like our range

of age where some of the people in our age group are like shitty and can't, they don't understand what comedy is. There's just a disconnect there. Yeah, yeah. And then there's another group that just thinks that like, we're probably in this group that like literally anything can be made into a joke. And it's just like the real world doesn't exist. And it's just this thing that we're,

that no one should take seriously. And like, and it's kind of like it feels like that there's a big gap. Yeah. Yeah. No, I agree with that. That was the funniest thing. I know this is going to be talked about for months in the end, but the alopecia posts the last couple days where they're like, the one thing you don't joke about is alopecia. This thing I learned about yesterday. And then now decided is a serious illness. And I'm like, dude, on the list of things that you can't joke about, to put alopecia on there is fucking hilarious.

It is hilarious. I'm like, dude, it sucks. I'm not saying it's not a serious thing. It's got to fucking suck if you're a woman, you start losing your hair. Does she actually have alopecia? Is that what's going on? I guess so, but also it varies. So you could lose just like a little bit of hair.

I thought she was just a black lady. Yeah, that is like a look. Like, they do look like pawns. That's that what I'm saying. What I was trying to say is the, The shaved head, but also, yeah, shaved head across the board. To be fair, the Parkland kid was the shaved head. Not the one that killed everybody.

True. What's her name? I don't know. Oh, oh, Jada? No, Jada was not a Parkland survivor. Oh, dude, I don't know the survivor's names. You don't even know the victim's name. There's David Hogg, and then there's the, I know you're going to say he has a huge penis.

I can see that grin in your face. I wasn't even going there. Okay, that's where I thought. How dare you? But then there's the girl, her name's like, into the Y. Baldi? Yes.

Yeah, that's what it is. She's the one. It's so, why is it so funny now to call people baldby? You've made it hilarious. You know what I mean? Like, the whole situation's made it so funny.

Well, that's like the biggest problem is like, once you be like, this isn't funny, and automatically is hilarious. It's hilarious. Something shoots out of your tip of your finger as you're pointing to it and just makes it funny. Oh, yeah. When I was a kid, like I had a fucking retainer,

and I was like, don't make, I think you ate cock. My brother's like, dude, I'm gonna make fun of that how you talk for months now.

That's all I'm gonna talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah, it is a funny thing. I didn't even realize she had like a, it's funny when it's like a condition.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's over because every dude, it just means balding apparently. And like every dude. Every dude is gonna have that eventually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's different because the, um,

I get it. Like, it's, we're less used to seeing a bald woman. So, like, some people might not find it is sexy. Yeah, I mean,

the last, I've never once thought it was sexy. I'd just like to put that on the record. I just thought of getting a blow job and then coming on somebody's bald head. I don't know why that's the funniest. That's the funniest thought of the world to be. Just like, where do you want me to finish? Like, no, not on my face. Do it on the top. And then just like cleaning it off like a bowling

ball. Getting ready to go. Getting ready to travel down the that visual is so funny. Somebody just having a cum spot on their head. Yeah. The rackings. shoot a big Lobowski of a load

right on there oh God dude I was gonna say like you're gay I feel like if you come in a bald head I don't think so you're gay

yeah because there's like I don't know maybe I'm talking out of left field here but there's like I've never once seen

a short like shaved-headed woman who's not like on death's row who I find like a attractive. So you find them attractive if they are in death row? Is that what's hot? You're like, oh my God. I got one fucking shot. That's so sexy to me that she's going to die tomorrow. I give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm like it wasn't by choice. As soon as it's by, well, I guess alopecia's not by choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think the, uh, you want me the attitude of the shaved head person is a certain thing. Um, I don't particularly like it. But I don't think that makes you necessarily like gay. No, I'm just trying to create. You just try to call people gay, man.

It's fair. No one's doing it these days. Yeah, yeah. Somebody has to. I don't know. I don't know the idea of the cum being on the top of the head and then just talking and just sliding it down. It's also funny because never once have I like come on top of a girl's head.

I know. But now that it's like, well, because she has hair. But the idea there's no hair. Yeah, that's why. It's like I don't want to stick a lollipop in there. Yeah, yeah. It gets stuck. I like that.

I like that. She's like, oh, you ready? the idea of a bald girl with come on her hair just turning her head and it just sliding down the back. Like a candle, it's wax dripping down the side. That has to be a category just like a Bukaki like a bald head. Yeah.

I bet you're just way more popular in the gay community because more guys are bald. There's probably more... For sure. Yeah. He's coming on bald heads. Yeah. I can't speak for the gay community.

Even though I'd love to. I'm going to call people gay. I'm going to talk about how bald women aren't attractive. Don't let me overstaffed. Yeah, I will not say it. Talk about the gay community. Yeah. So have you talked about this on like every single?

No, well, I've only had two episodes since it happened. I try to avoid the Will Smith thing. Because like, this is going to come out like six months from now. So it's like, yeah, yeah. I also have a feeling this,

this is a moment. You know when they say like, were you there for 9-11? Yeah, you were there for, yeah. This is going to be one of those things. Because, dude, it's, like, some people, I don't like, we're just going to keep talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's fine. I'm not, yeah, yeah.

I don't like the reaction that's like, this is bad for comedy. I think it's good for comedy. Yeah, yeah, there's the whole attitude where everybody wants to make it by himself are like, I have to go on stage and fear every night and happen. It's like, no, you don't. Like, nobody is that much of a psycho. It would be hilarious if Will Smith just went to every comedy show and just did this forever now. Like, that would be genuinely.

It's like, hey, Will, well, stop going to comedy shows. You clearly can't handle them. I also, yeah, I don't know. He's just, the situation he put himself in where he's just being, he's just been such a cock for the whole thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, you have to move on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the tough part about life. And this is why you listen to Mac to Marco. Because he tells you, clearly, in his songs. Hey, it's, uh, my girlfriend walk to the door. Hello. It's, uh, you gotta, you know, sometimes it's your time. It's your signal.

Sometimes you get the light on a relationship. ship. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think your wife having sex with her, your son's friend is a pretty good side. Yeah, yeah. It's like more than a light. It's like three lights shaking. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's a tough, uh, situation. Yeah, I don't, I have no idea. I want to know. No. I mean, I assume I would not be with somebody in that situation at all, but. Yeah, that's true. I couldn't even imagine being famous. Yeah.

Because we definitely think about this all the time. Oh, yeah, right. When I, when that happens to me. You ever think about like if you were to do like Rogan or something? Dude, all the time. Bro, in the shower, I'm just making up. Like, yeah, my childhood, you know, it wasn't hard, but he's different. Yeah, you somehow have to justify why you're there.

Yeah, yeah. But then, like, in your head, you're piecing it together. You're like, there's no reason for me right, like right in this spot. So then sometimes you have to make something up like, you're like, yeah, so when I did the beacon theater for the eighth time sold out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to make up. What I was thinking is family's like.

the most important. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I think about that all the time. Consely, just in the shower. I'm like, yeah, it's where I'd say to him. And he's like, it's interesting. It's also the same thing, like, when you, because we idolize comics, it's like, we know.

I want to come on Joe Rogan's head. You're like, if this person could just meet me, dude, I used to think this about, like, when I was like a kid. Oh, yeah, you're like, if they don't meet me, they would love me. Dude, when I was, like, really young, like, maybe 13, 14, and, like, the Harry Potter movies were, like, really big. Yeah. I used to be so in love with Emma Watson

and I was like, look, I know she's famous. Yeah. But she just had five minutes with me. That's what it is. She would love me. There's no way she would. Like that same thing kind of carries into comedy. Oh yeah.

Have you ever met a big name? I'm like, dude, would love me. Yeah, love me. Yeah, yeah. You ever meet a bigger, I'm not going to say names, but you ever meet a bigger name and they don't really like you that much? It's not like intentional,

but like you kind of, you're trying to for, a friendship and then you're like, oh yeah, this person just did not want to have. Yeah, this just didn't hit the first time. Not like they hate me, but you're like, it's just not like... Yeah, they're not too interested in what I'm trying. Every time I've done a show with the bigger name, there's always that thing you're like, dude, they're going to see

my fucking set and they're going to be like... They're going to be like this, you're it. Yeah, yeah. You're what I've been waiting for. Yeah, yeah, and I have got... But then you realize most of those shows, they come and do their spot and immediately leave afterwards. Yeah, I think like, I I don't know about you, but I have the benefit that most of the comics I look up to,

I look up to because they have the attitude where they're like, I don't give a fuck about anyone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I would never expect that, like, out of them. No, no, you got to... Like, Tim Dillon or Nick Mullen or something like that. Like, it's like, I would never even approach them because I know how awful that would be for them.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And if somebody comes in conversation, that's the only time I'll interact with, like, bigger names, is like, if it... Like, it happens all the time when I'm barking because people just come up and talk to you. So it's like, yeah, that'll happen. But that's like...

That's because they're coming up to me. Yeah. Because they know what I'm doing. Like, oh, you're selling tickets. you're like a young guy and they'll be nice to me and that's really cool right and they've been in that position so like there's kind of like a like a mutual respect like oh 100% yeah yeah a younger version of themselves in yeah yeah the hard part is they've never seen you do stand-up which that's the challenging part it's like I've had bigger name see we do stand up and not to do

my home but they were like yo really good set and I was like just the best feeling in the fucking world you're like Jesus this awesome but then you have people to come up to you and just be like Gary Goldman you know he's the fucking sweetheart you'll randomly just come up to me while I'm barking and just like hey man how really sweet. Wow, that's awesome. And there's other people like Dad that have done that.

And I don't want to fucking name it. Like there's more fake. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. But you don't want to do that. But yeah, that's hard because they've never seen you do it. So they have no,

there's no reference for it. Yeah, there's no gauge. But I think they also understand. They're like, look, whether or not this person stays in. If they stay in it, the only reason you stay in comedy is because you are like getting good enough to do it. Like, yeah.

I don't, I don't, there's a few. But there's not really a lot of people that have, that do comedy like hard. for like 10, 12 years and have nothing to show for it. Yeah, yeah. Like, they can at least make, like, people laugh.

You know, like, like, they'll bomb. Everyone bombs, but, like, they have an act. They can go with it, like, whatever. Like, just recently, I feel like I've gotten to the point where I'm like, oh, I can make people laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was very recently. Yeah, dude.

Sometimes you have a good set, and then you just, it's just followed by, like, four or five shows where you're like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing up here. Well, the funny is, yeah, I look back at, like, my early stand-up and I'm like, why did I think I was good at it?

Yeah, I was like, what kept me moving forward? Because I'm like, now I feel like I like where I'm at. But there, I was like,

what the fuck was that? Yeah. Yeah, no, absolutely. I did a show last night. It was 50, Denmark, Danish people.

50? 50 of them were from Denmark. No, no, it was at West Side Comedy Club. Oh, nine. And then 10 were like American. But it's so funny

because I was a little nervous and then I was like, wait, this doesn't matter. Yeah. Because by bomb, they're getting on a Bo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also like, nobody's gonna be like, dude, you really, he really fucking ate in front of those Denmark crowd. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, whatever.

You will never play there in your life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Denmark. Yeah, no, that's, that's totally true. And having that mentality is so important. But that's what I'm trying to do now

is like, I picture it. I was like, all right, tomorrow, I'm just gonna picture that I get shot in the face. So this is,

I'm gonna pretend it's my last stand-up set. And it was the best, you know what I'm like, it's such a freeing feeling. and you have to really have that kind of like, oh, I don't know, for me, at least it seems like the best reaction is I'm, I have to promise myself,

I'm not going to care how they react. Yeah. Yeah. Which is easier said than done. And it's always like the first, I don't know. I think 30 seconds into a set is one of the most comfortable because the first 10 seconds, you're like, could it go either go either way and you find out it's either going well or bad.

And either way you stop caring at some point in there. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Once you get like a laugh, you're like, all right, I know what I'm doing here. Yeah, or you don't and you're like, You're like, who cares? Yeah. Yeah.

Bro, I fucking hate this. You should, if you go, if you get fucking sick, they give you something, they don't fix it, you should get your fucking money back. Like, it's kind of crazy that, like... That is true, you know? Yeah. Because, like, everything else, like, you're guaranteed a product. The problem is there's no product.

Yeah, yeah. It's like, they give you, like, they give you advice. And you're to heed it. Yeah, yeah. But if it doesn't work, they'll just be like, well, you just didn't do it. I'm not a miracle worker. I'm just a doctor. Yeah.

It's like, it's like, it's, it's just, it's just. funny because it's like you're like you're a fucking dog i don't know it's like dude i've got to the doctor one time and they're like you definitely don't have the flu i'm like i'm positive i have the flu and they're like you don't have the flu and they're like you want a hundred percent have the flu and i'm like and if they're in the same building i will next time i'm literally be like go talk to that guy right now tell him tell him he's fucking up because if we if i was working at a company and somebody fucked up like that i'd be like but it's crazy the amount of just like me and my girlfriend both got fucking sick and they diagnosed me with pneumonia and they said you to her you definitely don't have ammonia we both have the same fucking cough. We're coughing our fucking lungs. Yeah. And they're like,

you have this and he has, I'm like, we, what do you? Yeah, you can't even entertain the idea that we might have this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's what was like kind of crazy about COVID. Like, now that it's over and nobody ever gets it anymore, I feel like we can speak openly. But, like, my, my, my, a good friend of mine, his girlfriend was like a nurse, still is. Yeah. And, uh, they both got, or like, uh, she would every day just like go in and, and, treat COVID patients. And my friend ended up getting COVID, not the girlfriend. Yeah.

And then, like, she tested and she didn't get it. But he ended up giving it to her, like, just because they lived together. But it's just like, it's crazy how, like, you can spend all day in a hospital and then just not get it. Oh, she didn't happen to my fucking girlfriend. She went to, uh, she went to the hospital and they're like, uh, your appendix looks great. She goes, I had appendicitis. I don't have an appendix.

And they were like, ooh, okay. Oh, we're going to look at that again. Oh, shit. Someone stuffed Play-Doh. Yeah, it's like, how are you dad fucking stupid? Yeah, I mean, it's just like any other job where they're just so many dumb asses. Yeah, I wonder if that's like a position where, like, they didn't even look at it. Oh, yeah.

But they're like, I just want to say something to kind of ease whatever news it is after HIV. Yeah. Yeah. Well, because it's like where are you, I don't know, it's the idea that like, how many people do you think get like led into medical school? Because, like, their dad went to that middle. And you know what I mean? Oh, probably. probably most. Just get pushed along.

Like, I'm sure you have these like hard tests, but it's like, there's no way everybody there is fucking, that is like, that is a fear of mine because like, I don't know. I went into medical school by by my Indian father. Yeah. I have a fear because like, I went into an industry that I do not

enjoy being in. Comedy? No, no, comedy I love. Comedy is the only thing in this world I enjoy. Yeah, yeah. What do you do for a day job? Civil engineering. So it's like really good and,

And it's solid. It pays well. But I hate it a lot. And I go into it every day not liking it. And it makes me think, like, there are doctors out there who just don't like being a doctor. Oh, of course. Yeah. And they don't care about you at all.

No. Yeah, yeah. And it's probably 30%. Like, I think about Harold and Kumar, right? I know this is just a movie. Yeah. But I'm sure there's people like that who just end up sticking with the doctor thing and hate it. Yeah, for sure.

I mean, dude, I know. And all the White Castle in the world cannot cure you of that. One of my friends' dads was a nurse. And the amount of those people that have, like, drug problems is crazy. Yeah. Dude, he was, it was my friend's stepdad. And my buddy was at their house sometime when he was in high school. And he just opens a door and sees the dad, like, snorting powder.

And then my mom saw the dad at, like, Walgreens, or is the stepdad. And she's like, yeah, didn't, she's like, I saw him buying syringes. I'm like, mom, he's a nurse. And I realized, I'm like, wait, why would he need to buy his own? Yeah, you know how the nurses have their own personal supply of serenches. And then the dude ended up in broad daylight robbing a bank with no mask on in a gun. Are you serious? Yeah, I'm like, that's, that's, that is a crazy level of like just getting to the next step.

You're like, I'm not thinking two days in advance. I'm thinking, you know, that's like crazy drug. Yeah. I'm robbing a bank. Yeah, dude. Robbing a bank seems like the worst way to get money nowadays. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's also like wearing a mask, you know, there's a little more to it. You're like, you can do this and that. But just going in zero mask, he had glasses on. Yeah. I don't know, that's kind of funny picture of like cleaning his lenses out. Did you hear about, wasn't there a guy in Florida recently who got, he got busted for robbing banks. He would go in without a mask, without a weapon. He would rob the bank and then leave walking away on foot. And he did it to like 10 banks in a row. We're so incompetent. And, and like three of them were the same bank.

that he had, like, just rock. And he said, they're like, we don't know what to do about the... It's like, it's the funniest story because it's like, this guy just doesn't give a fuck.

And it clearly, like, if the less you care about it, like the bigger a deal, the more attention you draw. We also realize how shitty security is everything. Yeah.

The fucking Oscars. I mean, it's just like, you know what I mean? It's like, it's fucking crazy. You're like, they couldn't escort him out. Yeah. And that's like everywhere

you realize you're like, oh man, they really are incompetent with like every fucking school... Yeah. How many school shootings do they like, you know, maybe I'm wrong, but like, do they catch the guy immediately? It's like, you know, this is like the 19th time this has happened.

They let him fire quite a few off. Yeah, exactly. Maybe we should have figured this out a little bit by now. It's like every day we're like, we have no idea what to do about it. I'm like, I don't know. Maybe fucking there's something. Maybe just put metal detectors in, you know, like, I know maybe that's like a breaching.

Yeah, it's like, okay, let them, let him shoot all the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, 100% every high school should have a metal detector. Like, there's no reason why that shouldn't be a thing. It's like, yeah, the amount of money it would be, yeah, sure, that sucks. But, like, compared to having... Not even. I mean, dude, dude, dude, dude, they put, like, hundreds of thousand dollars, thousands of dollars, like, into, like, the sporting programs.

Yeah, yeah. And you don't see anything happen. Like, I remember when I was in high school, our school, like, decide... They're like, we just, we're out of money. We're not doing sports. Yeah, yeah. And our town is just, like, we're just like, we're just like, we're just like, we're just a bunch of white dads.

We're like, blah. Yeah, we got football. So we tried to raise this money. Like, those football pads are not going to help when Nathan comes with a gun

into the gap to get. You know what I mean? It's not. Dude, we tried to raise all this money and then this one guy and one rich guy donated the money,

like just by himself. Or he donated half it. Dude, the whole, we needed $500,000. For what? To pay for like all the buses and uniforms and paying referees and stuff. But like, when that boils,

like, dude, referees make like 20 bucks at a high school game. like I don't know where all this money goes but it's like it's crazy I could see them like literally like purposely injuring kids and turning them into cyborg just like the next level shit

you know what I don't know what I don't know why they're just building like a robot kid like that that's the next level of it oh that's like where the money is going like secretly it's like the most scientifically advanced thing you go into like the boiler room those like janitors stirring

you know that's the hard part I was thinking about this it's annoying they haven't we talked about cyborgs a couple episodes again Yeah, dude. We're just trying to be cool. But how they're just like guys, it's amazing they haven't made like cyborg technology

that makes you stronger than a regular person. Like everybody who has a missing limb is worse off. That is true. You assume it would be some sick advantage where they get like this fucking cool ass. It's like, yeah.

But how have we not beat this? How is this? I saw this one thing on like, you know when like Instagram just tries to sell you something that's just not relevant to your life at all? Like it was this thing you put on your back and it supposedly it lets you,

it helps you like lift really heavy objects and like yeah like sticks on your back and then it comes down your arms so like your arms are kind of you kind of have the support i know exactly what you're talking about yeah yeah this is cool and it's pretty neat but uh but it's like an old batman would wear when he's like i don't got a lot of years of crime fighting left and he's like you know something like that yeah and but it's like what am i going to ever use this for especially when like a lot of the lifting that'd be so funny if like it's just the most basic thing your mom's like can you move these boxes you're like oh yeah I can't.

Oh, yeah. Step into this, like, closet, I think. Iron man logo shows up. Yeah, that's, I like that idea. It's like a little pod. You go and it puts it on you. Back on the, real quick, because I heard the story

on the bank robbery thing. I was, like, listening to old Howard Stern clips because I wish there was, like, a show, like Howard Stern again. Like, I guess there are in the form of podcast, but there's not, like, one. That just brings the craziest people in the world on with comics and stuff. Yeah.

But Artie Lang was saying that he, like one time he went to this bank with his, like, this girl that he was like seeing at the time. And they were, like, he was like 17 years old. She was 18. And they were like in line. He said like there was this teller that was like really cute. And he like wanted to like make an impression on her. And so he was there with his girlfriend at the. time and the girl there was cute.

So he writes on a piece of paper, hello, I have a gun. Please deposit or please turn around slowly. Give me $20,000 and count to 90. And then signed Artie Lack. Oh my God.

In his mind, he's like, there's no way she's going to believe this. It'll be like a funny thing. He's like, why would I write my name? Yeah. Obviously thought it was serious. And she thought it was serious. And they like, she like freaked out and he's like

oh no no that's not like a real thing and they ended up like getting out of there because they're like this is crazy yeah like all of these like state police and everything show up to the place there's like a huge investigation and the since he was 17 he got out like Scott

oh she got like bug the girl got fucked yeah and like they wrote an article and they're like this girl and they named the girl but they weren't allowed to name him so like oh my God It's just that the idea of doing that is like so funny so funny How do you think bank tellers just fantasize about fighting like crime? Like probably every day they're like I'm gonna be like it stops.

Dude, I would. I would for sure. When I like back in my my Catholic days when I go to church like every week, I used to fantasize about someone coming in like. Oh the church. Dressed as the devil or something. Or no, someone just like you know like an atheist because that's like the rival. You're like, wait till a gay guy shows up to this church and I fight him.

In your mind, you're like, the real criminals. But there has to be like some serious malicious intent. Like, he's about to like stab like the old woman who won the 50. He's like, the idea of atheists so funny, he's like, I don't even believe in God. I don't believe in any of this. But then like they try to, there's like some kind of act of terrorism and like everyone, like, most terrorists are dying, have strong beliefs. That's true.

Yeah. Yeah. But not necessarily. I don't know about Catholic. So, dude, if there was a Catholic terrorist, that would be kind of pretty funny. It's kind of underrepresented. You know what, to be fair, I think there's one religion that was terrorist. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. No, you are right. No, no, no, no. As far as, like, modern day, I don't know. I think I'm sure, like, you look at half the school. No, no, no. Because I guarantee you a lot of these school shooters are like Christian. Imagine like a Mormon terrorist.

I can't think of. Yeah, yeah. I can think of a single thing. I think more of an almish one. Yeah. He's just using like a wooden gun. He's throwing spears or something. rides through a parade on like a horse-drawn carrot.

No, I think there are like, I think that was just more of the early forms of Christianity, like the crusade. That was like the Christian. And it's like then the original, like, you have to have years of terrorism and your religion to get past it and be like, because Islam's like a newer religion. That's like the whole argument. It's like they're still dealing with like that. Yeah, the repercussions. What do you think like, what would be worth it to go to war? Because you know what people are like talking about?

Nothing. It's not going to. Yeah. Nothing. You don't think there's any single thing? Dude, they could... What if they take Joe Roman on Spotify? Yes, war.

Immediately. No, no, no. I think it like, I don't know if my hometown got bombed, maybe I'll be like, I'm so anti-toucho, dude, I'm not even kidding. I would be like, I don't know. It would be funny too because like, do they want to do it again? The only people who would care about that are the people from your hometown, which would be all the people that just got bombed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it would be like, the town over is like, fuck yeah. Yeah. Finally, we could beat them in girls volleyball again. That is funny because that is the thing in those towns. It's so funny how small towns do you love sports. And they're like, this is everything. It's kind of fun.

It would be nice to get to a point in life where that's all you care about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's never going to happen. Like, I don't know about you. Like, once I moved to a big city, I'm like, I could never go back. I could never do the day to day. Well, I could do it in between because I was like, my hometown, I think, was perfect. Because it was a suburb of a big city.

city. So it's like, I'm like 15 minute drive right in downtown Orlando where there's tons of stuff going on. Yeah. You didn't get sick of like the Orlando like tourism. Well, I was on the outskirts. So it's like, okay, everybody says the tourists. It's like it's not like there's just like guys with suitcases just rolling into your home. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. It's so minimal. It's like yeah, if you go to Disney, you're going to get tourists. But it's not like, like, I love people sit at Florida. Yeah. But I guess you get to treat it the same way that everyone else does. And you're like, there's like a lot of fun shit going on in there. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. That is. That's true.

If you live in Florida, get water access, man. Even if it's a fucking canoe, bro. Yeah. It's like you can afford a canoe. It's like probably 200 bucks. It's like, that's going to be worth it. Find a lake. Go on the lake.

Find a beach. Go on the beach. Find a river. It's like there's so much water going on in that state that you got to access it. And that's, I could go back to that easily. Like there was a period of my life when it's just like, I don't know, dude. It was like, I'd go on a boat occasionally on like a school day. That's the best feeling.

And you're just like drink on a boat on like, yeah. Like right after school, you get out, get the buddies. Or you mean skip school. Are you a bad boy? No, no, no. I never skipped school, actually. I never did either. There's too many repercussions.

Yeah. It was very hard. Your parents know before like anyone else. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. Yeah, I have some friends that would do it pretty constantly. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know. I started feeling school. Then I'm going to get grounded and I can't go out on the weekends.

Why would I want that? Yeah. So you could like, is there like an age you would want to be if you were to go back to that? Or, because, like, right now I feel like I'm so competitive about comedy. Yeah, yeah. Which is kind of funny, but that's, like, the way I focus myself to do something. Yeah, dude, if I could go back to an age, honestly, like, senior year high school is all. It's so funny to, like, we talk about, I talk about, like, man, we, we peaked in high school.

We just did. Hopefully there's a second peak in my late 30s, but I'm like, I did mean that question a little differently in that, like, what age do you, could you see yourself? like what like say you were like 40 like what age would you be like I'm good with moving back yeah uh I think you would have to be depending on where my career goes hopefully like 35 I would be moving back to yeah because it would be cool to be like one of those uh like a Doug Stanhope kind of guy dude uh carotop lives in my hometown really yeah yeah yeah he lives like probably I don't know seven blocks from my parents wow yeah yeah dude he just goes out on his boat he has like probably a nice boat dude Nice boat.

Yeah. He wears like these like rainbow speedos. He goes around like for years. He's also jacked, right? Yoked. Dude, everybody talks about how he just, his dick root is always showing.

He'll run with like small shorts and you just see his pubes and stuff. Also for years I was told he was gay and I don't think he's gay. No. Maybe he, maybe he's biased. I don't know. I heard like my.

I think just anyone super fit is by. Yeah. Yeah, there's definitely. Straight men don't get super fit. There's always a gay element. to like getting really fit. It depends on how you're doing it.

Like I have friends that like are fat dudes that kind of like work out. I'm like that's a different thing. Yeah. Then like some guy who's just like like, like yeah, I have some friends that are really into the business. Yeah. Like the guys who like know each muscle and they're like, oh, I need to work this one. Yeah. This one.

This one I've been slacking on this one. I ate that croissant the other day and it fucked this one up. Yeah. Let me do this very oddly specific curl for like three sets. whatever. It is so, yeah, because you are obsessed with muscles. So you're obsessed with like... They think about their body the way we think about our act.

We're like, there's too much fat over here. Let's cut that out. Yeah, it's got that. Yeah. This needs to be punch here. Yeah, it is, it is gay. And also, it's borderline blackface. The bodybuilding stuff? Yeah, with all the spray tans and stuff.

It's wild. Do you know anyone who got into that? Yes. I don't want to talk about it too much because I'm just going to be directly shitting on them. Yeah, no, no, that's fine. I don't know, like, the kid. personally in my hometown

but there is a kid it's just funny because it's like we talked about CrossFit earlier like it's someone who like clearly

something happened in their life where someone was like oh you're looking a little fat you know yeah yeah

and then they spray painted that on their walls yeah yeah live their life and because you have to go so hard how do you have the motivation

to be like dude I love like looking like and it's so funny because sometimes it gets off the rails.

Like, you're like, some of these people doing roids, you're like, dude, this is, you look nuts. Yeah. It's body dysmorphia for sure.

100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like the, like, like, the reverse were in that you, you think you're looking, you look great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I guess that's the, that's a different. Well, there's a, there's a, there's a line where it looks good and there's a line where you just look like a monster.

Yeah. You really, you're like brown. Yeah. And then like, like, that sounds racist. I'm not saying brown people look like monsters. But like

there's something about when you do something that's not natural to your race, it looks weird. Like when white girls get their lips blown up, it's like, that looks regular on black person, but it looks absurd on the white person. It's like, you're not supposed to look like that, and you're making yourself look like that. Same with white people's spray tanning or white people getting too tan. It's like, you're not

supposed to look like that. And that's half of Florida. You hear that Joe Senra? I'm not supposed to be too tan. What was he? No, he just calls me pale all the time. I'm like, dude, I don't know what to tell you. What is he? He was supposed to do the podcast. day, actually. Oh, he was the one that I...

Or I just asked him. Okay. Ah, Joe. Was he, uh, what did this he see? I don't know. He's like, I don't, he's like, uh, you know when you like pick a penny up off the sidewalk? Yeah. And there's like, kind of, there's some smudge on it.

Whatever that is. Yeah, that's what he is. Yeah. He's either Italian or Hispanic, one of the two. Yeah. Um, yeah, I'm not really sure. I mean, Senra. sounds kind of Hispanic.

Yeah, I didn't. But nothing about him seems Hispanic at all. Never seen him wear some Burr once. No, no. I've never heard him roll as ours. No. Yeah, but that is the thing when you see the white people

with like the really shitty spray tan or the face. It looks fucking just creepy. Yeah. It's also like it looks creepy or it looks like you just went to high school prom. Yeah. Oh, my God. It was like all the girls would do that.

So bad. That spray tan. And the funny thing is those photos never go away. They're always referenced, like, every year, like someone. Because it's always the one who, like, looks hot now. And they're like, oh, my God, look at us here. And you're like, oh, Jesus Christ. Like, I mean, the guys weren't doing it in our case.

But like the chicks, dude. Well, it's been to, probably some South Florida dudes would do it. Really? I feel like they just get the tan naturally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, we do culture. Tanning is probably like a big facet of life. Yeah, well, in Florida, though, but it is natural.

So it's like if you just go out of the boat, your friends, you're just going to be tired of everybody. My problem was fun. I did a bunch of Coke. Pram and Homecoming. It was very cool time. Did you? You were a high school Coke guy? Yeah, I remember somebody, I think it was like some of the best Coke I ever did.

It was like a rock. But it was like, it looked like it was like a piece of armpid deodorant, just like cut off. It was just like, it was literally like chalk. You know, like a block of chalk and all that. This stuff is solid. Yeah, stayed up all night doing that. It was interesting. I don't think anything exciting happened.

No. You didn't get laid probably? No. No. Never, I was never those, especially on like homecoming prom. I'd always go with a date that's like a friend. Yeah. That's cool.

Also, if you're doing cocaine all night, you're not having sex. That's true. Don't go together. That's true. That's the funniest idea. I remember when you're younger, you're like, dude, I'm going to do coke and like hook up. Blow rails off a hooker and then fucker. Yeah.

Yeah. There's no way that's going to work. Really most substances you do not, you're unable to have sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing with, like, I feel like inhibits sex is like five drinks or I don't know. I don't know. It is, I mean, it probably makes it harder to get a boner also to come. Like that, just like, I don't know, speaking from experience.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Coke almost makes it non-existent. Molly, I've been getting more into Molly. Yeah. Because even though I say I'm sober, I still do mushrooms in Molly. Yeah, well, that's fine, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, right? As long as you're not doing it consistently.

No, I'm in the opposite. I'm only doing prescription drugs now. It's totally. There's no like, because I talked about on the other way, you want to rob a bank. I was like justifying like my drug use. I was like, okay, I just do them. But then I'm also like, I don't do. It's weird.

It's like I do take an amount I'm supposed to, a reasonable amount. Yeah. Yeah, I took Adderall this morning, but. Yeah, I feel like you need Adderall, though. Yeah, but it also makes you like crazy sometimes. Like I got in a fuck. I took Adderall and then I was in a group chat with like some guy who was like talking super racist. And I'm never the one to be a hero.

Yeah. I start just like going off about this, like, you shouldn't be right, all this tangent. And I'm like, really. Just really getting into this group town. Like, well, you know it actually. What if I do? Do all these like complex analogies about this, this and that? And then I'm like, what am I fucking do?

You know what I'm like? Why am I getting involved in this? This is absurd. The person's also a baiter. It's like a family friend. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Then we'll just like throw in something.

And then like, clearly the second I was like, you know what? I think we should love each other. Just left the group. Yeah. It's like, oh, yeah, no, I was just trying to get you Rout up. Now that I got you rowed up, now that you're calming down,

it's not fun, yeah. It is funny, like, when, like, a friend of mine says something racist, it's like, I find it to be funny. And it's probably because, like, I know that it's a joke. Yeah, but if it is someone, like, family related, even if they say it in, like,

a really funny way, it's like, shouldn't, like, like, you cut it differently, you know? 100%. Because it's, they're related to. So you're, I think it's because you see that yourself and them. Yeah, yeah.

And you're like, no, that's not who we are. Yeah, yeah, we're not one of those families. Yeah, I'm allowed to say the N-word privately, but I'm certainly not. Well, my favorite thing is I had a family member who, you know, the Colin Kaepernick thing. Yeah. They took all their Nike clothes and they cut off like the Nike symbol. It gets funnier. In the shape of a Nike.

Yeah, so it's like you can clearly see it. That's what kind of shirt is. Yeah. And then the picture is a trash can and there's clearly magnum condoms in the trash can. Like place. Yeah, yeah. It's like a Facebook pose. he's like, I don't support Nike or calling Captain.

You're like, alright, dude. I also got a big guy. That's awesome. It's funny if you had a measuring tape next to it just like open to like eight inches. You know, like the like yard. What do you call those things? The rolling measuring tape. Oh, yeah.

I think it's just a measuring tape. Yeah. Just like, oh, that's awesome. Yeah. The subtle, you know anyone who like subtly hints that their dick size does not. Oh, yeah. Support a big package. Like there's no.

reason to. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, it's, it's funny. Yeah, I have some friends with big dicks, and they're, they're almost, like, uncomfortable when you call, yeah. You got a huge dick, and they're like, you know what, man, thank you. I'll have her gift. Yeah, you didn't have to bring it up.

Yeah. Yeah. One of my friends is a huge dig, and somebody fucked him, and the next day, she was apparently putting an ice pack on her vagina. Jesus. And then apparently, she was, like, sounded like Indiana Jones. She's like, that thing should be in a museum. She's like, it belongs in a museum.

You should, yeah, there should be a boulder protecting. thing. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, that's, that takes some, that takes some size, dude, because a vagina is very valuable. This dude's dick, limp. You know those rubber torpedoes you throw in the pool? Did you ever have those? No. Well, they're big.

I don't know. What else is you said? I need like a vegetable. Give me a vegetable. See, you've never seen it hard though. That's the hard part. But like limp, you're like that thing is massive. So like hard, you're like that dude, probably limp like here. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. That's insane.

Yeah. Mike, for the listeners, Michael just stuck up his entire forearm. Yeah. That's like almost a nuisance. Yeah,

but he'll say that. He'll be like, yeah, dude, I try to have sex girls and like I have to go like two miles an hour. That's all right.

That would actually be kind of fast for sex. Yeah. That's tough. I feel like it also like to get that much blood into you, you need to like, you probably gets lightheaded every time. Yeah.

There's got to be like a blood drive going on around the corner. Yeah. Yeah. Like red cross. He's just injecting it into his dick. It's interesting that dad hasn't been a boner solution. Just putting water into your pain.

Wouldn't that do the same idea? I don't know about water. I don't know how science works at all. Yeah, because it's like bloodstream. So it's like, I think if you put water in your bloodstream, like terrible things happening. Wait, really? I've gone to the IV place.

I put lots of water in my bloodstream. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, you know what I'm thinking about is bubbles. Yeah, yeah. If there's like an air bubble, you just like explode or something. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's the thing because I know, like, bands used to, like, mainline alcohol.

And, like, you have to, you can't use beer or, like, bubbly wine. You got to use, like, liquor. Molly Crew, I think they used to shoot up, like, Everclear or something fun like that. That is, that's so, like, that's just, I don't know. How do you get to the point where you're like, this isn't getting in me fast enough? Well, I think it's less of that. And I think you're more just like, like, that's something I would, I'm a sociopath. Like, if some, I, I would probably butt chug or boof something.

Yeah. Because you're doing it more for the party element. That's true. Like there was like, then this dude fucking funneled the beer into his ass. And everybody's like, ah, what a night. Realistically, someone just probably called the pigay. Yeah. All right, we'll do this.

That, I mean, the amount of drugs is he was wild. I know. And you're like, your brain gets so distorted in that. And you're like, man. But is that the way to live? Yes. I mean, you're like, you know what I mean? It makes better music.

It's hard when you have to like be the party, like the band that is the party. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's why like, dude, with comedy. it's like you want to be seen as a fun guy to party with but you just can't live the lifestyle that way like crazy thing you i don't understand how jim jeffreys would get drunk and do coke all the time like how did you manage a career yeah how did you write how did you whatever but then again like i've never i like him a lot yeah i've just never really seen him as like a comic that i like aspire to be he did and then he dropped off like once he started doing the political stuff because he was not originally a political comic he was

right get drunk and talk about like fun funny shit shit. Yeah. Like his earlier stuff hilarious. And then he had some gun control bit. And then the left is like, we need you to protect us. Yeah. Speaking of political,

I don't care about global warming, by the way. I just realized that recently. I've been lying for years about it to everybody's face. They're like global warring. I'm like, we absolutely need to stop. I was the same way with feminism, dude. I was like, I'm a feminist. And people are like, why?

I'm like, I think, you know, women are great. And they're like this and that And I'm like, well that sucks Yeah It's not going to too far Well I think it's like I know in theory I thought it would get me pussy And it got me none

You know what does so is shitting on feminism Yeah yeah yeah That will get you late Yeah well it's also like I know some really liberal girl And she's a comic She's talking about on stage I like she's attracted to like Trump dudes

Yeah And you're like yeah yeah There's no there's no I think it's just like The total denial of like Anybody's like feelings And just being like Fuck you

Like I'm gonna I don't give a shit what you think about me. I think that's like attractive. Yeah, that is attractive. Yeah. And I think it goes the same way for like, like my girlfriend's like not into politics.

Like, oh, that's, she doesn't care. You know, that's like a good thing. But, um, I think also like,

like, like it's so funny with the, the climate stuff because I'm like, it's, it sounds so bad to say you don't care about it. But I have zero emotional attachment to it. Like I'm like, I understand in theory.

If we're like, if there's a bill in front of me and they're like, hey, you could do this and it'll help the environment. I would sign it. Yeah. But as far as me being like, yeah, I care about this. I'm like, I just don't.

I'm like, yeah, I mean, the reality is we're not going to be here. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so people want you to care about a thing. It's like, no, you can't care about a thing. It's like, it's so far down the road. They're like, what about your kids? I'm like, I don't know my kids yet. Yeah, even my kids are so far down the road.

Yeah, yeah. So it's like, to me, it's like, I'm way more focused. Our kids will probably be fine. Our kids kids will probably be, like, by the time, like, like, they, you know, when they say like in the future, we're all going to be like the color gray because every race has been fucking Well yeah that's the idea about your gray kids Yeah it is

Yeah it is a funny thing Because I'm like also like my mom's probably Gonna be dead in like 30 years I care about her it's like you only care about so many things At the same time exactly In the more- She's my climate Yeah

My mom And it's also like The more people care about stuff The more less they care about themselves So like you go to any protest Yeah And the liberal people will be smelly with long hair And the conservative people will be fat dude

who don't care about their health. Yeah. Or teeth. You know what I mean? It's like either... And I know this is like a generalization, but you're like, oh yeah, the more you care about this, like you can't care about everything at the same time.

Yeah. And realistically, being healthy is probably better for the environment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're eating more sustainable things, whatever. It's also so funny to think that our planet is like this most important thing out of the galaxy. Like, we have to save this one. I actually had that exact thought. I'm like, if you zoom out, like, from our planet and like someone was to like hold it in their hands,

yeah. It's kind of just like a... like a dirty, like mostly wet. Yeah. Smells mostly Chinese. Kind of like, just like ball. It's just like a gross, muddy, dirty thing.

Are you saying the Chinese, I'm saying most of the world is made of Chinese people. Oh, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You clumped that into. I clumped it. Which I don't think that is not a stereotype even, so. No, it's just a fact.

That's what I'm saying. That's what we call a fact in the business. The stereotype is a. Indian people. But it's like, think about it like if, uh, if there was like a tennis ball on the ground and an aunt is to like get on that tennis ball and this aunt's like, dude, this thing's fucking awesome. Yeah.

He's telling his buddies, like with his antenna and stuff. Yeah. You guys got to check this out. Yeah. It's like, like, this was in my dog's mouth. Yeah. This is not like, this is nothing. Yeah.

Just throw it. So everything is relative, right? Yeah. Your relatives are relative. Yeah. Yeah. They're not important to anybody else. Well, I was talking about that in the last episode

because I've gone through a bunch of death recently And it's so funny how minimal Death to other people Like I Like I had a friend die really recently It's been fucking hard You're like I don't even know if I have ever felt these emotions before Because about how sad it is

And somebody else could be like Yeah, my friend just died too And I'd be like Yeah, I don't care Like in my head It's like I will be Epithetic That's terrible

But it's like you can't Relate to the other person's thing Do you feel like it's like Do you think a part of you is kind of turning that off No No it doesn't You think like, oh, I'll get tougher and it'll be less. And you're like, nah, it's not like it.

You just can't empathize yourself. Like, you can be like, that's really sad. And when somebody talks about it, you could tear up even. But you just don't, you can't relate the emotions to the same. You can't describe it. It's like, you can be like, you relate to a certain degree and you're like, that's sad. Yeah. But you're like, my thing is sad.

You know, everybody's like, my thing is the saddest. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Dude, like, I was thinking that, like, like, what's going on in Russia right now, you're like, or Ukraine. and you're like, you're like, oh, I'm having a really bad day. You're like,

well, somebody probably lost like five of their family members. And you're like, I don't know, I can't put myself in that headspace at all. Yeah.

No, you can't. Dude, like, it's like, also back to that. That's an interesting conversation. What would actually bring me

into a war? I think an attack on the U.S. soil would, I don't know, because it's like, but what is the attack? Dude, what if they,

what if they, what if they bomb New York? Yeah, yeah, I don't think it could happen. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think that's the thing

is I don't care. It's like, try. How about that? If I don't think I would jump into a war. Dude, because of like, unless they blow up the tiny cupboard. Because what are they just going to keep taking oak? Like that was interesting with 9-11 happened. It was like, we did this terrorist attack.

It was like, okay, what would happen if we didn't invade Afghanistan? Do you think they would have just continued to do 9-11s? Probably not. I mean, I don't know. How funny of you were like, that was weird. That was stupid. You guys just killed yourself. What was that?

It's like, well, I mean, it sucks with all these people. I mean, we did need a new one anyway. Yeah, yeah, that would be funny. Just reacted move forward. Because you're like, I mean, how many more people died probably in that war in Afghanistan? I mean, I have no idea the numbers, but I'm just guessing it was more than died in 9-11. Yeah, actually it might be like kind of similar. I'm going to look this up.

Yeah, look this up because I'm actually interested. I know that like compared to like World War I or like Vietnam or the Korean War or whatever. Actually, I can't. I don't know about the Vietnam or Korean War. But definitely World War I, World War II, it's like nothing. Like pretty much nobody. Nobody died. But, yeah, that would be interesting.

All right. So 9-11 was like 2,900. And then the deaths in Afghanistan were 2,400. Wow. So pretty cool. And that's just Afghanistan. What about Iraq? Yeah, sounds like you and me got to go over and kill 500 feet.

Yeah. And even the score. How many Iraq war dids, were they? How many soldiers died? Yeah, I don't know. It's like, well, I guess it's not the same number, so slightly less people died fighting. And you're like, well, what was all this about?

It's also funny that we've gotten into talking about international politics because I know nothing about it. But you know what? I'm going to continue to talk out of my ass about it because I think it's kind of fun to just be like, I don't. What I was actually going to say earlier when I brought up politics, you ever think about writing for the gut?

What's the gut? is like the conservative thing. No, Greg Gutfeld. You know who that is? Dude, nobody knows who he is. He's the top late night show in America right now. Really? It's off of Fox.

Like, they have, like, Fox has the conservative late night, and it's Greg Gutfeld. Is it funny? No. Really? But it's the top one, and it's beating Colbert, it's beating Fallon, it's beating all of them. That is hilarious. And they're looking, they're looking for freelance writers. Oh, fucking.

do it. Dude, I think we should do it. Yeah, dude, get right job? We should be friends with the gut. Yeah. I think that would be sick. Like, I've been telling people about it and everyone's like, who is that? Like, how do you guys not know? How does nobody know? See, it's so funny because everybody's like, the conservative thing, it's so funny because the fun conservatives

are the ones that don't have values. But they're not, you know, because everybody's like, everybody's like, you know what? There's always that thing where people are like, oh, you know, somebody like Trump. I'm like, he's probably the more fun person to hang out with than like my moral Christian, you know, because the thing you start bringing up. Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, what do guy.

Okay, I don't want to go to Bible study. You know what I mean? But that guy's more fun. Yeah. My favorite was the Tucker Carlson thing. You see the Michael Jackson thing? No.

Dude, he goes. He's like, we have news today on Fox. A lot of you probably think that Michael Jackson is dead. That was a lie by the media. Michael Jackson is a lie. You might wonder,

how did I see him die on TV? And now he's here. Well, I don't know the answer, but I'll show you the proof. Here is footage of Michael Jackson. Just a video of Nancy Pelosi. It's the funniest. Really?

Yeah. And I'm like, this is hilarious, dude. That is awesome. Yeah. And I'm like, now.

Now most of the things he says is not fun. You know what I mean? It's like, not. But I'm like, that is hilarious. That is really funny. He's so,

I don't know. He's more like, like Ben Shapiro trying to craft a joke would be the worst thing ever. Like, that guy could not. It makes me want to throw up. That's like another problem too is like a lot of these people kind of getting some

notoriety. like through Joe Rogan and they're like oh I can be funny like what's his name fucking the nerd guy from MIT Oh Tim Poole? No He sucks

I forget that he's Russian Lex Friedman Oh yeah Like he'll try to put together a joke It's like dude just fucking clean my keyboard What are you doing? Yeah that is a point Yeah

But like you know as well as I Like deep down we are comics. Like, I'll write for any side. I don't give a shit, dude. Like, it doesn't matter to, because I'm thinking about what's funny. And it's like, if you give me the parameters that I can like make money, I'm gonna, I'll, I'll do it. Yeah. I think everybody, that's crossed a lot of people's mind. We were like, oh, man, it's so many because there's a giant market for conservative comedy. Like, it's huge. Yeah. That's why he's winning the ratings. Oh, yeah. And it's so funny because everybody thinks that they're like, oh, America is this thing that's like, like, everybody in New York,

It's so funny how they think everybody thinks this way. I'm like, dude, most people do not think this way. Especially with like the transgender stuff. It's like everybody thinks that everybody's on board. But I'm like, no, just have a conversation with, I'm not saying I'm not. But you're like, you're like, if you talk to these people that are in these like, if you go to like so many parts of America, you're like, these people are so far. A bunch of people agree to stuff because they don't want to seem like racist, sexist or homophobic.

Yeah. But then if you really talk to them, they're going to be like, yeah, I don't fucking weed. You know what I mean? Yeah. Also, I feel like with the transgender thing, most people I think just don't give a shit. Yeah, yeah. Like, I think most people are like, you can do what you want, but like, I should also be allowed to talk shit about you. Yeah, it should not get me fired.

And I kind of agree with, like, it should be, nothing should be like a protected. If you don't, yeah, if you don't, like, if you don't, you should be allowed to like, just make fun, just poke fun, poke holes and whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because as soon as you're not allowed, like, that's a, that's a big issue. Yeah, yeah. But, like, I feel like most people. A what? Leah Thomas?

Oh, is that the swimmer? I think something like that, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm not really a fan of swimming in general. I don't really give a shit, but... Yeah, that is the funny part. Well, this is, I think this is the one time that the conservative side is actually kind of done with it, because they're just kind of making memes about it now. And I'm like, there we go.

That's kind of funny. That's cathartic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of just getting angry about, like, high school sports or swimming, you're like, yeah, it's fucking... Well, like, the things that would anger me and the things that I find funny are, like, vastly different. Like, a thing that would anger me is, like, like, you say, like, like, like, you say, like, like, someone, like bombing, someone, like, murdering someone for no reason, like, what, like, just something that would, like, trigger your mind.

Like, someone dressing up as a girl or whatever, like, that's not, yeah, why would that anger you? Yeah. It's inherently, like, a funny thing. Like, if anything, it's like, I want people to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it creates stuff to talk about. Yeah, yeah.

We have nothing to talk about otherwise, you know? It's like, do I have to love it and, like, pretend. and put on this face and act like it's the next great thing? No. Is it? This is so funny how like, if I put Leah Thomas as my Facebook wallpaper and said like truth or like something like that, just nobody would take it.

That's just the kind of funny part of it. Because it's like, maybe just because of who I am. And I'm also like, dude, I think this is what I think. I think most people, the transition are transgender. But to say that some people aren't, you're like, come on. There's some people that aren't. Yeah. It's just the truth.

Like, you're like, that's not like, and I know Iran, they have the most transgender surgeries because being gay is illegal there. So they have a crazy amount of like men that will transition so that they don't get thrown off rooftop. Wow. Yeah. You know what's funny is like borderline like, like, I don't know, then like those like people in Iran have to then fuck the transgender women. And it's like that's borderline gay. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get what you're saying.

Because those aren't transgender women. Those are dudes like... Because they don't identify as women. They're like... Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. But that's the thing is like, all right, there's no way that every single...

There's zero gay people and there's only transgender women in Iran. It's like when the law... Yeah, I've been in the East Village. I know that that's not the case. The East Village of Iran. I don't know why. I thought of the funniest thing... You know how, like, the U.S.

like, bombed a bunch of, like, weddings in the Middle East. Yeah. I don't know why. The idea of a Chach... slide going on at a wedding with that happening. Slide to de lair. That is just so funny to me. We totally forget about the way.

It's so funny that just the level of attention we have. That's why you can't care about it. I feel like they're constantly, there's some deep elite deep state that's randomly just throwing shit out there every once in a while. Like, yeah, for sure. The deep state made Will Smith's slap. Chris Brown. Like, we got to fucker, Chris Rock. Yeah. And I feel like

Alex Jones catches most of it. Oh, yeah, yeah. He catches most of it. He knows this. Yeah. He's really in the fucking Oscars. Where has he been, by the way? He tried to settle with the Sandy Hook family, and they were like, no. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

It was like a lot of money, too. Yeah, interesting. How much? You know, probably five, ten million. How funny? If you were like, 20 bucks. Yeah, I think he was like, all right, it was dick move. It was Dick move.

I know your kids got burned here, but. All right. I'll stop talking about it on my show. Yeah. Yeah, does he have a show anymore? Is he a, 100%? Yeah. I had a crazy friend who, uh, he was like, yeah, man,

Alex Jones is doing his last broadcast. And I'm like, I just, doubt that's a thing. There's no way that guy's As long as there's tin foil, he's going to reach the people. He's going to have something to say, yeah. Yeah, that's, he's fun to watch, man. It's so funny, though, but it's such a level of stress

because you're like, dude, this guy just thinks the world's ending every single day. Yeah. Well, that's the unfortunate thing. It's every once in a while he pipes in something that's like, not only makes sense, but turns out to be true. Oh, 100%. And then that makes you like, you're like, what is he? Like, is this all this other stuff?

Yeah, true, dude. The thing with him is like, I think, He has way more information than everybody else because he just takes Adderall drinks and looks to all these documents. Yeah. So, like, he knows the information. But the problem is you start drawing false comparisons. Yeah. So it's like if you have a math test and, or let's say a history test, you have the textbook, a bunch of Adderall and a bunch of booze.

Yeah. You're going to nail that history test. But also, you're going to draw weird pictures on the side that are nonsense. So it's like you're going to be correct a lot because you did your research. You're also going to see leprechauns out of the corner. Exactly. So it's going to be, it's a mixed batch. I think that's what is with him. I think also the more shitty stuff you see, the sadder and crazier you get. So it's like because he knows probably about some weird government process. You start to assume the worst in people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like you look for things. Yeah. But that's the funny things. We just like move on from it. It's so funny to pretend like there's any level of justice in the way we look at things. Because we're like, dude. Dude, we're pretty sure COVID came from a lab and we did nothing about it. I'm not saying it for sure, dude. We're almost positive. of it. Yeah, yeah. That's a funny conversation, too, because everybody's like, everybody's like, well, why does that matter? I'm like, dude, imagine if the plane to the Twin Tower and we're like,

we don't care where it can. Yeah, that's a good example of something that, like, when this was all happening, when COVID was starting, I was genuinely mad about that. Yeah. I was like, can we not look into it? Yeah. Because, like, we're all just, like, using this as a thing to get Trump out of office. And I'm not a Trump guy. Like, I've never thought he was, like, good for our country or anything. But I'm like, it's clearly being weaponized as something. And it's like, like, that was pissing me off. Just like the fact that millions of people just like willingly would turn a blind eye. It's like, then you just start to lose faith in humanity.

And you're like, what's the next thing that's going to have? That pissed me off. Like, that I didn't find funny. Like, there's nothing really funny about a lab leak, you know? I don't know. Actually, dental was kind of funny. He's just one guy who fucked it up. Actually, I did hear like Nick Mullin did a joke about it.

He's like, I like the name Lablake because it sounds like a golden retrieval. trevor knocked it over his tail. And they're like, oopsie. Yeah. So I guess there is. That's the funniest idea of some guy. He's just like spilling it. He's like, was that the COVID-19? Fuck, dude. Did you ever see cats and dogs? Did you ever see that movie? No.

Oh, my God. Great movie, by the way. I recommend you watch it. It's got Jeff Goldblum in it. And he's like this scientist who's trying to find a cure for allergies to dogs because he's just like allergic. And he keeps like testing all. of these things to like in like the basement of his house but during the movie there's dogs uh and there's cats and like they're in like a secret war with each other and they can like talk and they have like all this technology and stuff it's like the craziest plot line so the cats are

like trying to sabotage the allergy like serum or whatever and the dogs are trying to protect it it's like this is what is disney movie i think it's uh i don't think it's disney but it like came out around the same time. They should just do something off the rails. I love 824 movies. Yeah. It's just like the most absurd thing. Oh,

do you watch like a lot of movies at all? Do you like go out? Yeah, I'm in the middle of watching the old planet of the apes because I'm watching the new ones and I was crying. The new ones are, you have you seen the new ones? No, I think I've seen like one of them.

They're good. James Frank goes, dude, I cried. I cried every movie, bro. I was like, The apes, do you just want to be alone?

Dude, I, I got drunk a week ago and, like, I was watching a video as a Coke. with a gorilla and I was crying. Dude, I never cried when I was drunk. Really?

Dude, since I've been sober, I've been crying a lot. That's so much more sad. Well, it's like, dude, all these emotions come back. I know, that's the funny part. I was just numbing myself. I was really not happy. Yeah. It was actually funny because, like, two months ago, like, when I first was getting

sober, I was, like, kind of like, I was, like, depressed and stuff. And I was, like, really sad. And then, like, I went home and I was, like, so upset. Like, we did a podcast. You did Fuck City around the. that time and I was like not doing well. Limp Dix didn't even I did it. Yeah.

That might have been the worst episode. But you carried it. I was very gracious of you. But anyway, I went home and like my parents and like, oh my God. And then like two months went by. And in that two months I like met someone and like we were having like a like a kind of a romantic relationship. And then like that ended.

And I was the next time I saw my family, I was sad again about like something different. Yeah. It's like it was kind of like a moment. moment where I'm like, dude, this moves fast. Oh, yeah. Like, all of this moves fast and, like, you never know what's going to happen, you know? So, like, when shitty things happen, like, they fucking suck, but, like, there's always something around the corner that, like, you never know, you know.

And that's what we say to those females competing against Leah Thomas. Exactly. Yeah. Listen, if you guys had any strength, you'd slap a dick on you and get on the other side of them. That's the idea of the dad, there have to be so funny. There's going to be some dad that's so passionate about it. He's like, that goddamn fucking trans. Like, they're gonna be some dude

getting so mad. Yeah, because like, what do you call? What do you, like, what? Angels. Is that what they call? Trans women, yes. Was that what the dad would call? No, no, no.

It's not what you're saying? Like, what would, what kind of like, how would he describe it? Like, is you'd be like, training? That's the slur. Is that what you're asking me to say? That's what the word is. I'm not making it.

I would use it, but. I was trying to think of like, because, like, if, like, say there was like a guy that was like, acting soft, they'd be like, oh, you fairy, you like pussy, whatever. Yeah, oh, yeah. Because they're doing way better. Right. So, like, it's

like kind of, it's like a slur, but it's also like a, like, calling someone out. Maybe like a fake, a phony. It would have been funny if the ball just like popped out of the thing during like one of the things. Start floating like a buoy. Or no, more like in the trophy ceremony, they're just like a testicle, just like a hair one

just hanging out. Yeah, dude, that's, it reminds me like dodge ball when like those girls show the Girl Scouts who were just taking like Royds. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I think I think they should

I don't really mind Dude, it's gonna make sports better. Oh, 100%. Yeah, yeah. It's gonna make them better. Yeah, yeah. I get that it sucks for women who want to do sports.

But I also don't care about women's sports. So, yeah. What's the big deal? Yeah. You know it is unfair though. What? Is trans women or trans men competing in baking

that's what I is yeah that'd be funny things That's just borderline That's just not come on That's just not fair Yeah yeah Florida did just like pass a bill I guess To like stop trans women from competing You know what's so funny did you see

Ron Perlman had a video So fun The celebrity things are so fucking funny This video goes Ron Perlman You know who he is? Yeah he's son of an area Yeah he's like

Ron DeSantis, huh? You want to say don't say gay? Huh? You bigot? You're Nazi pig. Fuck. You want to say, don't say gay. Gay, gay. Read the Constitution, buddy. Look it up. And you're just like, dude, you're such a fucking loser. It's like, wow.

That's just so funny. It's so funny, too, because I'm like, oh, do you care about something? How about you go to Florida and protest it? Don't just post an angry video on Twitter. If you like self, it's like, he really is a hellboy, dude, with all that love for the kids. I disagree with the bill. It's such, it's a funny idea

because it's like, the whole thing is they don't want teachers teaching kids about gender orientation at like a super young age. Yeah, which makes sense. I disagree to extent. Well, because I'm like, what happens if some kid comes out as gay

and the teachers just have to be like, no, you're not. You don't mean? Like, they're going to have to explain. Like at some point teachers have to explain. Like, I'm not saying you have to give the kids a talk, but they have to have some conversation with kids about if it comes up.

Right. So they should have that flexibility to say, oh so-and-so, just transition, guys, be cool about it, don't be a dick. Yeah. Male students, now female. I'm like, I respect that. But, you know, I also think the side of it, I also kind of disagree because, like, the whole thing is, like, a lot of people are like, well, we don't want these teachers showing gay porn to the kids. I'm like, that's not happening.

Like, I had a family member of the second. Well, in my school. I was like, also, those kids have so much gay porn on their phones. Like, they think that these kids are just watching Moonlight in, like, third grade. That's the funny thing about every, like, one of these policies. It's like, the kids are so much further ahead than you are. Like, they've been already talking about this stuff. Like, how about even the mental detector in the school before you have?

Yeah, the kids don't give a shit about trans. Like, they're like, no, we're accepting. Like, yeah, yeah. But the most part, like, and like, honestly, you're, I just totally shifted my entire opinion, dude. Because I had the thought, I was like, it's got to be horrible to go through all of high school. Like, thinking you're someone at, like, like, knowing you're someone else. Yeah.

And then having to wait till you turn 18 or whatever when it's like when you could make the transition early and then but the problem is the ones who don't know like who just do it as a surgeries and stuff like that. Yeah.

But because I'm like, oh wow, we disagree on it. But that's just a funny idea that they're not going to put metal detectors in school or anything like that but they're like, yeah, no, we can't have these kids become fucking gay, bro. It's like, I don't care.

I don't know. It's like, it's like also like maybe stop the TV. from fucking the kids before you start the teacher. It's like, you know what I mean? I'm like... Or have the teachers fuck the kids that needs to be fucked. Exactly.

Because that could change someone's life. Do you know the confidence you'd get if a teacher fucked you? Depending on the one. Yeah. Because you could also have sex of teachers. She's like, you have a small dick. And you're like, God damn it. You just ruined the whole.

Oh, yeah. I'm 13. What are you? Yeah. We're going to edit there, though, because we've got to get going. What do you want to promote? Um, I started to post... Besides, don't stay gay bill.

Yeah. Yeah, vote yes. No, I started posting more on my Instagram. I think I'm going to try to post more clips there. That is, Patty is Funky. Fuck City, USA, the podcast. Michael has been on it multiple times. He'll be on it again.

That's pretty much it. I'm doing like, I don't know, this is probably going to come out and I'll be like, I will have quick comedy and I'll be a librarian by this point. Dude, when this comes out, the U.S. is going to be bombed. My hometown's going to be bombed by whatever I said it was going to happen. But no, that's it, dude. Thanks for having me. Appreciate it.

Yeah, yeah. Also, I want to announce that I also just don't care what you think about the don't say gay bill. If you're listening to this, I don't care. Yeah. Just don't say anything. If you have an interesting take, that's good. The last thing I want to share somebody's take on the Will Smith thing that I loved. Okay.

This is what somebody posted online. Louis C.K. masturbated to Jada Smith giving me a BJ. Just full nonsense. There's no. That's what I like. Because, dude, we've been, I don't know, I do a lot of open mics and every joke is the same fucking thing. This isn't even English. I know.

Jada Smith gave masturbated, or Louis C.K. masturbated to Jada Pickett Smith giving me a B.J. That's great, dude. I wish people would, you know, bark up that tree. Yeah. But, oh, last thing, alopecia is not funny. I reiterate that. Right.