Morning Good - You're a Loser - Episode 93

Episode Date: June 30, 2022

Thanks to Mike and Jake for coming back on the show together. They have a podcast together filled with celebrity guests called Do Less on all platforms, so make sure to check that out and give them a follow on social media.You can find Mike on Instagram @mike_bramante and Jake @jakevcomedyAs always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F-Shack. Love Dirty Mike and the Boys. Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the Boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good, good? I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. We're here with Jake Velazquez. I mess that up, right? That's good enough. How do you pronounce your name? Velasquez. Vlazquez.

Is that the bagu? That's how you know. when you're really a pushover when you won't even correct your own name. Yeah, I mean, I don't care. Oh, dude, somebody called me Matthew

good last night on stage and I'm like, what good is going to come from me correcting them? No, it's not gonna, my set's not gonna do any better. They're not gonna remember my name either way.

Plus if you start off like, no Michael good, they're like, I hate this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, unless you went Mike, also Michael, because you're using the full name,

you can't correct someone with Michael. No, no, no, it's a worse look, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It'd be funny if someone called you Matthew, they're like, I go by Mike. Yeah, yeah.

The worst one I got is somebody called my podcast, Good Morning. And I like, that sounds horrible. That sounds like the most uncreative Good Morning. I'm like... Fucking Mr. Rogers. Oh, yeah. Also, there's no reason for this

to be called Morning Good. I don't record it in the morning. I don't release it in the morning. Nothing about this podcast has any to do with the morning. It's a good pun. Right. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah. And it's just for you to have a boner on the cover of the podcast.

The cover right. Any excuse to have a boner and show it. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, wait, I'm also here with Mike Bramante. Oh, thank you very much. Did I nail that one? That was perfect. All right.

Well, you said it better than Mike could say it. Because he can't even say his own name. I have a difficulty saying it sometimes. He has a difficulty for pronouncing words. Mike Bramante. See, but he paused there. Why did you pause there? Because he does not how to say his name.

I'm not sure if that's my name or not. But you, so I go with Mike, you go with Mike. I wish I could go by Michael, but my last name's too long. Michael Bramante. So I think you got a short last name. It's good to go with Michael. Well, the funny thing I did with my, my, my, I'm having a fucking stroke. My Gmail, I changed to Mike because I was like, they'll never be able to find my online content if my name is Mike on email.

Oh, that's smart. And then they start calling me Mike in the interview. I'm like, it's actually Michael. It's just confusing and shit now. But my email is also attached to my YouTube page. So like they could just find it either way. Let me tell you what. They could find it.

It's not really, though. No, it's not really like cracking a big case. there. No, not at all. It's also funny that the, like, email should be the more formal of the two. Yeah, I'm like, Mike. Mike Good. Yeah.

Mike G. Yeah, I always get weird out people on Mike and I'm like, oh yeah, my email does say Mike. Like, it's Michael Good, but for some reason it says sent by Mike or something like that. Right, right. Have you ever gone by Mike Good? No. Yeah.

Never. My mom has, like, a problem with it. Yeah. But I don't know, she's a problem with a lot of things I do. I don't know why that would stop me. But I, I, I, Mike is, it's weird. me. I don't know. I'm not a Mike. I kind of am a Mike. I feel like when I was fatter, I was more of a Mike. Sure, sure. I think Mike's a fat guy name, right? You gain a letter

for each 10 pounds you lose? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to be a Michaelangelo soon enough. Michael's smooth, sexy, borderline homosexual and like a classy way. It's classier. I would also say there's a lot more famous Michaels than Mike's. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody's like Mike would, yeah. Mike, whatever. Mike Tyson's like the only one I could think of, but you got Mike Epps. Epps, but you got Michael... Who's Mike Epps? But thinking about...

Think about, like, some icons. Famous comedian. You got Michael Jordan, you know, Michael Jackson. What, Michael Epps from? I'll show you a picture. Oh, you're talking about... Is he black? Yes.

Okay. I know Mikeips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From, he replaced Chris Tucker in Friday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Well, anyways, whatever, it's fun.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, I'm saying there's like some icons that are Michael's. Michael Jackson, Michael Jordan. Michael J. Fox. Yeah. Mike Myers. Mike Myers. Yeah.

Michael Rappaport. Yeah. Michael Rappaport. That's Michael. That's Michael. That's I'm saying. Sure. I guess so the moral of the story can go either way.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's really that hypothesis was kind of shut down. Yeah, there's really no rhyme or reason that any of this. Mike's got like a hunkiness to it, though. Like, when I hear Mike, I think of like, I feel like I'm like, I got like a rag. Right. I always think of like, when I hear Mike, I think of like,

somebody who works in a car garage. I don't know why. Well, I think your point is spot on, though. I think it's, if the last name is two or more syllables, Michael's in play, but a one syllable last name has to be Mike. Mike Good kind of... Michael, sorry, Michael. Yeah. Yeah, like Michael good. Yeah, but Mike Epps, I guess,

is... That kind of flows. Yeah, don't you think? Because Mike is kind of an abrupt name. It's like Mike. It's Mike. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard to say things that. Like, Mike, blah, blah, blah. It's Michael. A little better, yeah. Right, right, right.

Yeah. I think if it wasn't a name, it'd be a slur. Mike? Oh, it's a bunch of mics around here. A couple of mics. The bar below my apartment, got a bunch of mics in it. Well, I think it also rhymes with dykes.

That's why it sounds like that. Or the one with the K, but yeah. Oh, yeah. Dude, I saw, I saw a, there's this, like, homeless guy on McDougal Street. He's, he's like a black guy, and he's got his eyes. Have you seen him? He's got his eyes like murky?

It looks like you can read the future in it. It's all we're going to relate. He has one of those eyes where he's like blind. Yeah. But he was holding a sign yesterday. It was obviously somebody else's pride site because he says, I heart my dyke wife. It was just funny to see somebody.

I was like, that makes no sense for a man to be holding that sign. You know what I mean? But it's just funny. I was like, oh, this hopeless guy got us. But it's not like, he probably thinks it says,

do you have spare change? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I love my type wife. I was like, well, because you can't see, right? So, yeah, that's a great point.

Probably couldn't read the side. I didn't realize there. I thought it was like this. Oh, someone was probably using this to get money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're gone. I'm going to take it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Maybe that's a way to get money. That's a funny sign. Yeah, yeah, it's not bad. Yeah, that they do. For him to hold. That rock. The homeless dudes that, like, they do,

you will see a hack one occasionally. He's like, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm paying this money on weed and hookers. You're like, all right, I've seen that one before. So like, something a little different. I'm like, y'all. Right. Yeah, sure.

But that is a money maker. People, because you're like, ah, okay, you guys. It would be funny if they were like, I'm using this money to invest in an above-average performing mutual fund. They'd be like, this guy's hilarious. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that would be amazing. We should write signs for the homeless people. And then that's us doing work.

Because we would write creative signs for them. They would get... That's such a funny thing to be like, I'm not going to give them money, but I'll pay better signs for them. But if we make, if you did that sign with the mutual fund, like, you made them a ton of money. Right, right. Also, there was no reason for me to say he was black. I'm realizing that now. I thought it was going to play into the story somehow, but it did not.

Honestly, I didn't know. I haven't noticed. Actually, I don't even think you said it. Now you're making it awkward. Now I'm just going back later. Like, I get what he said? I was like, that was like you ever said. I love that idea, though, a charity that makes better signs for homeless people.

We're not going to design. We're creative. Okay. We're not a money-making department. Yeah, right. Teach a man to fish. Yeah. That whole thing.

It's a new business idea. Yeah, it's not bad. And then we get a cut of whatever they have. That's actually the nonprofit that makes to the Michael's starting to work for. Any of the other day, we go collect. Yeah. I turned the fan off. It was a horrible day.

I'm sweating immediately. I'm going to turn that back on. You can turn it back on. Yeah. I just worry about the sound, but whatever. Nah. Nah, we don't worry about that. We don't worry about anything.

Do not have AC? We have AC in that room. Oh, okay. You know what? That's too loud. I was going to say. It's pretty loud. That fan is blasting.

Every five minutes, I'll turn it on to give us nice gust. Oh, yeah. That was a good Gus. That wasn't a bad Gus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was, that area's been crazy. By the way, I'm just going to laughingly apologize. There was like four episodes ago with, you know that email came about Roe v. Wade being overturned?

Sure. I have a whole episode where I'm like, it's not going to get overturned. Everybody relax. Okay. And clearly I was very wrong about that. I went on like a rant about it. I'm like, guys, we're going to be fine. It's not going to change.

We'll be fine. So I was wrong about that. Well, it is the whole thing of just like, I think. think because maybe we do comedy or just because we're probably like relatively we're definitely not political extremists. No, no. It's always the take of like it's not going to be as bad as you think.

Yeah, yeah. It doesn't matter. Like, even Russia, Ukraine, I was like, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, they're not going to end. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's a disaster. Yeah, I mean, people don't even care about that anymore. Do you think there's any situation where you would quit doing comedy? Like, as far as like a natural disaster or like, or you think like, sure.

Yeah. Yeah. A natural disaster. You're still doing mics in a mudslide. Dude, we did a snow one. You remember that COVID? Yeah. We didn't know. I mean, yeah. So I'll take it pretty far.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh, I mean, at a certain point, it just becomes insane to keep doing it. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Comedians are cockroaches. Even like the pandemic, we're like, yeah, we're going to switch to Zoom here. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That was my favorite is all. There was, there was so many conversations and genuine thoughts. You're like, is stand-up comedy even going to be a thing after COVID? Like, in my mind, I was like, who's going to want to fucking see somebody told you. You know what I mean?

Well, I would actually, and I was always on the side that stand-up comedy would come back and life would get back to normal. But in the first, like, month of the pandemic, a lot of my friends, a lot of them, you know, like Tim Dillon is doing satire and he's joking around, but they took it very seriously. Oh, yeah. They're like, dude, stand-ups never come back. Yeah, they're like, I'm just going to be a this or that. Yeah, like, I don't even think you could go to, like, a baseball game.

Like, they believed that wholeheartedly. Like, that was the end of. social events for the rest of our lives. I love when people get discouraged by somebody being me and they're like, genuinely, what am I even doing? I'm like, you're fucking around. It's a comedy podcast. Yeah, yeah. And then they're like, what am I doing? Right.

That is hilarious. But like, how many people do you think maybe could have even quit comedy just from somebody like Tim Dillon's shitting on? So, like, yeah, they're like, you know what comedy is lame? I'm going to quit this. Right, exactly. And then it was funny because I would be like doing these mics in Washington Square Park. You know, you do them. And then like that

weekend, hear Tim Dillon talking about how like, how sad it is. How mentally ill it is. You're performing on an anthill. And I'm like, this is literally my favorite podcast, but I'm also exactly who he's making fun of right now. For sure. For sure.

100%. That's how I'd feel a lot with, I don't give a shit what we're talking about other, podcast, right? That's what I feel about Comtown. They're just like, if you're listening to this, you're a fucking loser. Yeah. That's me. Exactly.

Well, I think it's some of my favorite comedy podcasts do almost like just shit on their fan base. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I am. Yeah, I am there for anime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm not going to take it personally and be like, hey. Well, then I'm not listening. Right. Yeah. So we should just shit on whoever's listening to this. You fucking loser. Well, this at, I mean, no offense.

But with our podcast, too, I'm not. It actually makes more sense to shit on these listeners because you guys probably should listen to the bunch. Yeah, the better ones. Like, that makes way more sense. You only have so many hours in a day I'm no way you're wasting it on us Well we have like a you know

A whopping steady Or just by the way Mike and I run a Do less DoLess podcast So but we have a loyal fan base of 45 to 50 listeners a week And I'm always like who Who are these?

Yeah but then you get comments You're like oh fuck yeah it's this person Yeah yeah yeah But then you think about it you're like 50 people Listen to this word We're huge Yeah Yeah I know

It is It is interesting because it's like, yeah, I have, by the way, I, I genuinely appreciate people listening to this. But please fucking keep listening. But yeah, you do wonder, you're like, who's still? Because you're like, but also, like, it is weird because some people, I realize they like listening to podcasts of their friends because it's like if you're going to bed, it feels like you're hanging out of your friends almost. Sure, sure. But they're not listening then. No, no.

I'm background noise. Probably so many of my friends. Well, that's what we always say for our podcast. We don't even really want to be a podcast. we just want to be like an audio screen saver like the same thing. Well, we want it's there. We're like a fireplace.

We want it to be like you're hanging out. We're your friends. Right, right. So you're hanging out with us. Like we're on the shower, your drive to work, but like you're not really thinking about what we're saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're just on. It's just a nice, nice to have in the background. Yeah, yeah, it's like a smooth jazz. Yeah, it's show up to a lobby. You're like, oh, it was a doo-lust podcast? Yeah, yeah. That's, we should get distribution in hotel lovents.

Yeah, elevator music. But then you actually listen to it and you're like, all right, that's a weird take on abortion. Yeah. Like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, don't actually pay attention to the words. Yeah, that's why we don't want to be listening. Well, that's my funny thing. I get weird about Facebook now with the podcast because I'm like, I posted my story on

Facebook, like new episode of the podcast and I saw who liked it. And I was like, oh, you're not going to like that. You're not going to like that. Ah, yeah, yeah. Especially like the most recent, that, a lot of the most reason, but like, some of the more recent ones, I'm like, I'm kind of just letting it fly a little bit with the things I'm saying. And I'm like, I don't know. I basically outed somebody from my childhood as being a potential pedophile for, like, so long.

And he maybe listens. I don't know. Right. Hopefully. Hopefully. Like, subscribe and share, sir. The sad part is there's two sad stories. The one possibility is he is a pedophile, and he never got to me. That's not the tap part he didn't get to me.

But the other sad story is just a guy that I just think is a pedophile. And now his life is, now he's just really insecure. He's like, damn, I was really friendly to Mike when he was a child. Well, maybe he is a pedophile. And every hour he's listening to Morning Good. He's not touching your kids. Yes. In some ways, if you want him to be listening...

Listen to the podcast. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, there's a part of me that's like... I have friends that have been, like, molested. I'm like, I want to... If I could get somebody... I would get in so much trouble, but if I had an episode with a pedophile and a bit...

Like, that could balance it. I want to hear them talk. I want to hear... Wait, you want to hash it out. No, no. Not them knowing... I'm not saying we're going to weigh out the pros of... Now, what's your side of the story?

He said he didn't do. No, I mean, like, just you'd have to balance it out. He said you were asking for that lollipop. I'm saying, like, if you had a clan member on your podcast, you'd have to have a black guy on your podcast, too. Sure, if that was the order. Right. On the same episode.

If you just had a black guy on your podcast, you don't necessarily do it. You have to go the next episode to balance it. That order, yes. On the same episode. Reverse order is way worse. worse. No, no. Like,

probably, like, I think we're steering a different direction now. You gotta play everything down the middle.

You got to weigh both shots. I've been on the same episode to counter. Not like to counter out. Like, we're going a little too far this way. Let's get some.

Let's find our country. Yeah. But it's like one of those things like nobody wants to have like, I don't know, besides to catch a predator. Like that's, because it's like,

I don't know, I want to learn more about it. I want to know what's going on. It is fast. It is one of those things. like, it's like true crime. It's like we want to know more and more about these people, but like you could have, I don't know if you could have a serial killer.

The hard part is I have a comedic podcast, too, so I'd be choking around with the pedophile. I'd be like, you should have been punching him in the face the whole time. Like, well, we wouldn't have gotten any good content for that. Yeah. Yeah, that's not a clip. That's an unclippable moment, yeah. Yeah. Maybe if you could, like, audio it from jail.

Yeah. Oh, that's a great. Yeah, because then he's already paying the price. Yeah. It's weird if he's not convicted and he's just like hanging in the place. Yeah. And you put him. He's never been caught?

He's like, yeah, I do it once a week. He's not supposed to be within, like, 100 feet of kids, and you have him sitting next one on a couch. Yeah. So this episode is breaking your parole. I always thought it would be funny. I definitely thought about this,

but, like, you know how there's, like, Apple Maps, like, running, walking, with tolls, without tolls? I wonder if there's a pedophile one that, like, avoids schools. That'd be fun. Like, it's just, like, a different kind of map system because it's, like, you do you got to dodge,

especially if you're in the city, like, there's schools just on every other corner, so. Yeah, but do you think there's, there's like sometimes he's like in a rush to work and he looks at the option he's like I'm fucking passing to schools dude. They're not going to catch me. I'll be fine. This is 15 minutes out of my way.

Yeah. I mean it's like an electric fence like a dog head. You just can't get that close. Yeah, yeah. That's true. Put a collar on them. Actually, that's not a bad move because they have to go door to door and knock. But if you just put a collar on them, you kind of, you just see the pedo collar on them.

you just see the pedal collar. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could recognize them on the street. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so you kind of like, you don't have to do that hold or not.

What's like an article of clothing, though, that they would wear the inside? Because, like, it would be weird to see a guy with a... ankle? A what? What's like an outfit of pedophile would normally be wearing? Oh, sure. You know what?

I'm done trying to pinpoint them because you can't. Well, kind of like what bikes wear. But maybe slightly shorter shorts. Right. Well, the truth is you can't pinpoint them. Because, like, for a while I was like, oh, this guy, and then you realize we're like,

not really. Like the guy I was talking about the last episode, like a cool Hispanic dude who's like 25, you know what I mean? Maybe it's, I think it's more like a, yeah,

because it's not a look in the sense of like their fashion. It's a look in their eyes. Yeah, yeah. That's a good point. It's like, all right,

he's licking his lips as a seven-year-old that's really a bad side. It's also like, also I think a lot of them because it's like an addictive personality, they've given up on personal appearance in a way.

But I don't know, because then there's also like the clean cut guy. You know what I mean? There's always like the clean cut guy with like a weird smile on his face. You're like, that's what I mean. I actually, when I think, because you all... There's a serial killer look and there's a pedophile look, and there's two different looks. Right, right.

I have a pedophile look in my head and it is a clean cut. Right. He's kind of handsome. Well, like, have you seen, have you watched that Jimmy Saville documentary? No. He kind of has that look, too. He's like, he's got like white, like,

he's like a British guy with like a white bulk cut almost. It was like a cheery look to him and you're like, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But then there's a guy from Riverdale where I grew up and he actually was the opposite

where he looked. Everybody thought he was a pedophile. And I think he was actually just a good guy that liked hanging out and mentoring some you kids. Yeah, dude, that's the hard part. It's like you want to be a positive influence in the community. But you're, yeah,

that's what he was. He was like, the reason he looked like a pedophile is because he was fat. He would always hang out with these kids at the pool. It was like a little bit pool. That is a great sign. Yeah, yeah. But the relationship was he was a dungeon master for D&D.

All the kids got into D&D. And everybody thought he had his own dungeon. Yeah. And then, yeah. There, I mean, a couple kids they might have got. There was a bus driver at my elementary school who, um, his, like, house got destroyed in a flood or whatever. And so, like, one of my junior senior year, I ran like a T-shirt drive and raised money for him. And then a couple years later, he was arrested for either, like,

child porn or... But you made it out. That would be... What if that was the... So I raised... I raised money for him. Oh, God. So my friends are now like, yeah, you remember what you raised money for the pedophile?

Oh, God. He's like, I reinvested that into... It's funny that his house got flooded because the idea of, like, photographs coming out. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, just like into the street. Well, it's like Donnie Darko. I don't think I've ever seen it. Oh, there's like... It's a great movie, but there's one part...

I know Seth Rogen's the Bullion. That's... I've seen, like, Cliff... He's one of those that. You seem like it's on TV. I kind of, I never watched it all the way through. I don't want to get into the plot necessarily,

but there's some part where he kind of like is like sleepwalking and has this premonition and he is told to like start a fire in some guy's house. So he does it. The fire department shows up and then they find child porn in his house. Damn. So that's also the first thing you'd assume would burn if it's like photographs, right? Yeah, yeah. I guess they saw like half a naked kid, you know?

Yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah. It's also funny because like, that's something you feel like there'd be a safe for. Right. a metal save. That's something you're hiding. I don't know.

It's not like you have them on your table. That was the point of having it. Yeah. I'm going to enjoy it. By the way, we kill whatever we want out of this. So just feel free. I know. I was like, how do I get out of this?

I'm cool either way. Yeah, yeah. It's mentally too. I'm like, all right, we've hit about 10 minutes of this. We got to hop out. I've certainly gotten quiet at this part of the episode. Yeah, because I come from the guy that raised money for one. Yeah.

At least we just. We just talk about it. We don't actually help them. What other charities did you guys do growing up? Let's prove the audience were good people after making those jokes for 10 straight minutes. Cars for kids. I'm kidding. Charities. Habitat for Humanity.

Oh, that's a good one. Someone told me it's a scam, though. No, I don't think that. I mean, I feel like every charity part of it is a scam. Well, Mike, you're a bad person. Except the one that I did. Except the one. For that bad.

I had good intentions. That's true. did it's a sweet thing but but the thing is you know because you got to pay the staff of that's why they're all non-profits right so it depends on how much money they're cutting out of the donations to pay the staff of them in themselves right well but no one's working for free that that's that's that's what nonprofit means it means if because like the thing is a poorly run nonprofit is giving zero dollars to charity right you need to make a profit in order for that money to go well it's like the red cross don't they take like the largest percentage of like any

organization. But every time there's a natural disaster, they go on site and then they take everybody's money. That's a funny thing to be there with a helicopter. It's like, are you guys going to pay us for this? We'll come down and stay. Yeah. Send up the wire the money. But yeah, nobody works for free. But yeah. Habitat,

I'm sure there's a degree because it's such a popular ones. There's probably a lot of administrative expense. So there's a lot of money being paid out. But I think it is, I mean, they definitely build homes. and affordable housing as far as I know. Yeah, I mean, you know, it's tangible. You can see the house, people live in it, it's a good thing. Yeah, we had

some bias. I did it a couple of times. I also like, I like to do it. I like that kind of work. I don't know. It feels good. It's fun. You feel productive. You nail like a one wooden thing and you're, I'm saving you guys. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a hero. Yeah, yeah. I'm like Jesus, basically, because I'm like making something out of wood. Yeah. Yeah.

You get a whole God complex. Why aren't you worshipping me? Yeah. But I would always do it like hung. Like my parents, whenever I get in trouble, they'd make me do charity work. It's like a good punishment. Yeah.

But so I'd just be like hungover on a Saturday kind of like doing it was, I don't know, there's something I used to like being hungover and in the sun. I think there was something about it was almost like a sauna to an extent where it kind of like drains all that like shitty feeling out of you. I'm actually almost the opposite though. Really? Whereas I'm hungover. Like I'm trying to stop drinking out. But when I would be like super hot.

Are you fully going sober? I'm hoping to. I'm like a month in. Oh nice. But when I would get fucked up, I'd, wake up the next day and if it was like a slight drizzle or like you're an overcast end like this is hangover weather oh really i just put on a hoodie like go for a long walk i'd sit under a tree i'd moan for like 30 minutes and then it'd be good i feel like you got to sweat it out though or else it's

just depressing no yeah yeah if i'm in one place my thoughts like for some reason if it's raining and i'm hungover i feel because i get real bad anxiety yeah like if it's uh if it's raining and i'm hungover it's horrible because i'm like i feel trapped inside of it compared if i go outside and also i don't know how i used to do hangar i used to be crazy dude i'd get it hungover and then i'd like take an Adderall and like drink a coffee and do like schoolwork all the next day. Yeah. That's so, that's insane. That was like in college.

Like I, I couldn't even get close. Dude, I can't even do stand-up when I'm hungover now. I'm like, I can't say jokes on stage now. No, it's crazy.

My hangovers are, that's part of the reason I'm trying to stop. Yeah, yeah. That is the biggest reason. Say there was a cure for a hangover or no hangovers. It'd be the Wild West out there. Well,

because it's just there already is. They need, they need to get, to figure out the vitamin water stuff. Because I've done the IV like three times. never worked for me. But that would be the pervertangover cure because it's very expensive.

So I only do it like, I would only do like three times a year. That's when it should be a thing. So it's like you can do it if you have like the work after like three long weekend. You know what I mean something like that. Yeah, I don't know.

I think it's just the way I look at it is like once you start drinking, it opens up this door that other people want to drink with you. So like, and it's the mixing that kills me. So I'll have like a bud light. I'll have like one or two and that's it. Then someone order shots.

And for now I'm at, a point where even if I just have like a couple Budlights and a shot, I'm hungover shit the next day. Do you think some people have told me they've stuck to alcohol and they don't get hungover? Do you think that's an actual thing? I think it helps. Like I've done all tequila, which I think is supposed to be like the one that if you're, if you only drink tequila, you won't get a hangover.

And you felt better the next day? Definitely felt like I didn't, because I've had crippling hangovers where like I can't even leave the house. Like I'm just like throwing up and stuff. Yeah. Like I'm functional the next day, but I don't feel great. I wouldn't say it's like. No, but it's better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only time I really do it now. I was talking about this with some other comics is like, you know, just going on dates because it's like, how do you propose a date without doing drinks? It's tough in the city. Yeah, yeah. But like, you know, if you go on a date and you're like,

she's drinking, you're not, you're like, oh, this guy's sober, you must have had a problem at some point. Yeah, that's a hard conversation to have. Yeah. Or he never drank. It's like, would he not cool? Yeah, yeah. Or you're just lame.

Yeah, yeah. It's one of the two things. But really, a lot of people quit because they're like, I don't have a problem. It's just in the way. You know what I mean? It wasn't an issue, but it's like, you're like, it's, the hangovers don't feel good, and I'm trying to be really, like, especially in comedy. Like, it's hard to be.

I have no idea how those comics that are just like, yeah, they get fucked up. I'm like, I don't know how you do that and have like a fully functioning career. I mean, some people are just built different, you know, like, they're just able to do it. But I think part of the reason I was thinking about going sober because I've just met through comedy, so many people that are like, I'm in AA. I'm like, oh, where you're like an alcoholic? Not really. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like.

But I think, I'd say a lot of comics are. sober, right? I mean, like, comedy is it's a lot of both. It's a lot of both. It's like there's almost less because I guess maybe if you stick with comedy, it's, you sort of have an addictive behavior. You know what I'm saying? Well, that's like your outlet, right?

I think there are more alcoholics than a lot of industries. Right, right. If you're like across the board, the amount people that do comedy, they're alcoholics like, I don't know. I feel like everyone in finance is an alcoholic, you know what I mean? Yeah, but they just don't get sober. Right. That's a good point. Yeah. In comedy, it's like, it's like they just don't call themselves an alcoholic because they're like, I'm not drinking on the club. But it's like... Right.

Because I have those friends, too, they're like in finance and stuff like that. And then the second they clock out, they're getting like... They're getting wasted. Fuck, duh. Yeah, yeah. And they're just trying to drink to forget about their day jobs. A little more drugs, I think. And I mean, there's drugs in both, but cocaine's expensive. So you're not going to do it if you're doing comedy open mics.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's definitely less than the scene than I thought it would be. It's like my friends that didn't do comedy do way more coke than my friends do comedy. Dude, great. I, before I did comedy, I was convinced everyone in New York City did cocaine because I was had a face look yeah but uh but I was like trying to not do it anymore and it took way longer for me to stop doing that than to stop drinking because I stopped drinking doing comedy but when I was trying to stop doing coke it was just like I'd go out just to drink and someone knowing I've done it in the past but you are like every different friend group would be doing it I'm like is there anyone that just doesn't do this stuff anyway I guess everybody I've

literally like basically never seen it in my entire life well because if you establish That's what I'm... If you establish yourself as someone that doesn't... But your friends are doing it unbeknownst to you. Yeah, I know that. I feel like everyone's just doing it all the time.

Yeah, yeah. They're just not telling you. But I like, to me, it's like I wouldn't know because I don't... I think... I might have seen it like once in my entire life. That's great. Yeah.

Yeah. I used to... But I said there's like crippling hangovers. Like, it made it so not worth. But I'm happy to happen because I'm like, dude, I would have... There's no way I would be able to afford Coke right now.

Like, uh... And then, I mean, I guess I could, but I just have to cut out other things. It's just not worth it. It's not enjoyable in any way. Dude, I think the amount of fun is totally over-exaggerated because you're not a fun drunk. You're like very serious.

You're almost serious. It's the worst. Yeah, yeah. When you first do it and you're young, it's like I get the appeal because it's like a new experience. But then it gets to a point where it's like, this is the saddest worst drug because you're just like yelling over each other and no one's really listening to anything.

Yeah, yeah. It's so true. It's just in a circle like, yeah, it's like, dude, no, no, no, no, no. And then they just, come in with a completely unrelated point, and then you do the same thing on it's just... You're just ignoring what they have to say,

so you can throw in what you have to say. Yeah, it's brutal. It'd be hilarious to let's do a podcast. Oh, yeah. It's like a podcast on Coke. It just makes no sense at all, yeah. I'm sure there's something out there. I'm sure, Ben, yeah.

That's the hard part is really the best drugs are terrible drugs. In my opinion, the best drugs is mixing Xanax and alcohol and doing nitrous oxide. Because it makes you so stupid that I'm like, that that that that's just how it is you know what I mean like like like it's like there's something about being in that level of like I'm an idiot that's why alcohol is so good because it's like you're such a dumbass you know what I mean it's like it's bad the next day but like while you're on it you're like yeah I don't care about fucking anything well yeah it takes the edge off well the best moments I ever had where like me and my two roommates would get like we were like in our party

phase and we'd get fucked up and then it was the hangover the next day we would all take a colonnipin to get rid of the hangover and like that like once it kicked in just the laughs. All of us laying on the couch, like comatose recapping the night. Yeah, yeah. That was some of the best. Colonnupin is awesome.

I'm still prescribed. It's awesome. It is so hard to not be like, because you try to be careful, especially when you're prescribed. But I found out the funniest thing. So like I prescribed colonopin. I take it probably three times a month to sleep.

Just because I love a fucking bar. Slip right at the same. Yeah. But the hard part is like, I was really worried because one time I took like a full pill. I was only taking half. half a pill. And then I found out, like, three weeks ago, I was prescribed a whole pill. So this whole entire time, I've been taking half the dose. So I'm like, oh, I'm like way more responsible than I

thought I was. I'm actually taking half the amount I'm prescribed. That's good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I would usually take a half. Sometimes I'd take a hole. But I mean, also, it's not just the sleep, it's like the food aspect. I'm like a bottomless pit. Yeah. So my move for like three years in a row is I would just take it pre- Thanksgiving. You take a Lannapin? Yeah. I'd be with my family. I just house, like, plates of food because... Why, it makes you hungry? I don't know if it necessarily makes you hungry.

It's just once you... You could just eat as much food as... There is no end. There's no end. There's, like, no getting full, at least for me when I did it, yeah. That's also just a funny age beyond Kalanipan at, like, Thanksgiving, just kind of, like, grooving around.

Just kind of, like, very comfortable in your own skin. They're like, he's got a real glow to him. I think... Colanapin, wine, and turkey. I was like... Oh, that sounds amazing. Yeah, dude. It's the hardest you'll ever sleep.

It's such a, like, uh, Like, I don't know. It's such an adult thing, too. Because when I was like a teenager, I was like, yeah, no, it's like, that's not how you, because you wouldn't want to be out at a bar on Kalanapen. No, no, no, no. But at like a dinner, like, it's like same with Xanax.

Like, that's the perfect. Sure, sure. Yeah. It's like a safe little space. Yeah, to just be, well, the worst, I went, one time I drank it, took Xanax, and then I was so out of it. I didn't realize this.

I was at a restaurant, and I bumped a chair, and I was like, I'm sorry. And I walked back, my cousin goes, you just apologize to a chair. You really bumped a chair I'm sorry It does make you a dumbass But that's why it's

What are you saying? Go go ahead Well that's why it's like a good thing Because it's like it's hard with people like Like with extreme anxiety Because like you do need some moments Where you're like all right This is a sad

With me and my girlfriend I was going through a real bad Like anxiety OCD thing And me and my girlfriend went to Disney World And we went on this ride Called this Carousella Progress And it's literally just I've done on that

Yeah So it goes in a circle And so it's like literally like it goes to like all these like anatronic families. And they sit down and they're like, just a warning. If you get on this ride, you can't get off for 30 minutes.

And I was like, we gotta get off. We gotta get. I was like, I took like a Xanax and then it was just on Xanax at Disney for like all day. Which I was like, you know what? I mean,

maybe like a flight is more of a reason for it. But also you gotta like push through those things to get like now it's like, I don't use as much of a crutch. I just like knowing it's there. Well, once, I mean, the flight is good,

but once I took like a lot. not like a, probably like a full barriconopin. Not like an insane amount, but I took a lot before a really long flight to LA. And they sat me in the emergency exit. And they asked the question, like, you basically like say no if you can't handle this. But I was like comatose. I didn't even respond. And they were just okay with it.

We were just playing it. We were fucked. They were like, well, he didn't say no. And then I woke up on the plane. Everyone was already on boarded. Oh, my God. So I was like slept through the whole flight. and then so.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's amazing for flights, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's one of those things like you see how it could, like, because of the casualness of it, you're like, I can see those people, ruin people's life because you're like,

yeah, I could you take a little bit now? Sure, sure. I never really, like, was like, into it like that, though. I would only take it for hangovers and flights, really. It was like very, yeah, but if you're drinking every weekend,

then you're taking it every. Yeah, yeah. In your party face, yeah. It was a Sunday thing. I wouldn't take it Saturday because it does kind of take the energy out yeah, yeah, yeah. be a horrible thing to go out and dig.

Yeah, but it is like a Sunday drug. It's my church. Yeah, yeah. The craziest thing I ever took, so I got prescribed this thing called Sarah Quill. Do you know what that is? No. Is that for sleep? So yeah, it's, it's the most extreme, like, one of the most extreme

sleep medicines, but they also use it for schizophrenics. So it's like, I realized when I took it, I had a buddy that schizophrenia. I'm like, oh, they're literally giving these people stuff they used to shut off other people's brain. And that person takes it like twice a day. Which is crazy.

There's like that idea. And I would see my friend all the time. He's dead now. But he would just be like a zombie. I'm like, that's crazy that you'd have to give them like extreme tranquilizers. Like what I would need to like sleep if I was having a whole lot of sleeping is what they need to like not jump out of a window.

Yeah. We're all fucked because we're all on pharmaceuticals. No, I haven't been for a while. Just wait. That's good. Well, I'm prescribed, you know, the heavy dosage. Mike's medicated. But my medicated Mike has been, uh, has made.

It's been night and day. When I first met him, I mean, you couldn't even get this guy to walk, you know, below 14th Street. Now he's city biking. No, I'm weaving in on traffic. Like Tom Cruise, you know what seems like a dosage thing is just the important thing, which the problem is everybody's like, oh, just listen to your doctor. I'm like, if you got a good one. But you could have a bad doctor. It's like, dude, I don't know a dude that was prescribed four sticks as annex a day.

And my dad's like, I think marijuana is really ruining him. I'm like, that's not what it is. Because there's got to be like some doctors that are just throwing medicine at the problem. Oh, 100%. Oh, for sure. Oh, yeah. Take this. It's like the, you know, what was the, the Michael Keaton show, dope sick with the, what's the pain killer?

Yeah, I'm surprised. Oxycontin. Yeah. They were just throwing that at the problem. I'm surprised that came out with the whole COVID stuff just because, like, I'm surprised they were releasing something that was like shitting on the pharmaceutical cup. You know what I mean? That's true.

It was a risky thing. I was like, I didn't watch a shot. It's really good. It's great. I love Michael Keaton. I got to watch it. Yeah. Yeah, he's great.

But it's tough to see. I mean, like, you know, anytime someone has a shoulder problem, they're just prescribing them like mass amounts of oxycott, and then they get hooked and their lives are ruined. Oh, for sure, yeah. Yeah. And my favorite was I had a cough twice in college and they gave me like liquid hydrocodin. And my favorite part was both times, the same nurse, she just didn't remember.

She goes, this is the kind of stuff they give the rappers. I was like, why are you fucking telling me that? It's a little wind's purple drink. I was so nervous about that. I took it one time and just gave it away to somebody. I think they're still giving it out. in very small dosages. Oh, I used to take some of it.

I think it was, yeah, during Lil Wayne's era. It was like the most popular thing. Well, I never done promathezine. This was like liquid hydrocodone. So it was a weird. Oh, that's a little different. Yeah, it wasn't lean. But it was like, um,

the only time I took like opiates was like, uh, I, first off, lean is cool. It sounds cool. They can make anything cool. That's a solo cup, Sprite and lean. Yeah. It's badass, dude. It's badass.

I mean Dan Carney, he's been joking about it. He's been tweeting about how he wants to become a lean guy. I'm like, you imagine being a lean comic? Like, you come on stage and just put like a styrofoam on there. It's like, it's such a look. Doesn't it come from like when you used to start leaning back after you drink some of it? Yeah, that's what they called it. Yeah.

Why I called it. I actually, because I don't think I did enough whenever I did it because I would do it kind of be like, low wind's a pussy. It doesn't do anything. Yeah. I probably just didn't do nearly the dose of strength of whatever he was doing. Well, the funny is that almost all cough medicine gets you high. Like there are four different cases.

There's DXM, which is in over-the-counter stuff. That gets you high. It's like similar to ketamine. You have codeine, which gets you. So there's almost nothing they can throw at a cough that isn't like drugging you up. Because you have to like relax your lungs or something like that. Yeah. So they basically have to give you like a muscle relaxer.

Well, I almost think weed, which sounds crazy because you're smoking, but it like does make you like breathe better. Because you're like, I don't agree. I smoke pot every night and I cough. Well, no. If you smoke every day, sure. But I'm saying if you just take like a, a. one or two hits, it makes you a little more conscious.

Like, it does relax me a little bit. Interesting. What I would have tried is, I don't try the sublingual cannabis. So it's like, so it just doesn't speak English. It's learning English. In these are marijuana.

No. Is it matter what I'm sorry. But it was, so it's like, edibles for me, they last too long. I like, 10 hours is like,

it's too much. Like, every time I've taken an edible, is what happens. I take it before bed and then I wake up at 5am with a horrible panic attack and I need to like, I go to pee I feel like I'm in a fish tank and it's just like

the worst starts in my life. I thought I saw like the ghost of one of my friends that died the other night which is just because I was high in the middle of the night and there was just like a blanket on the wall and I'm like, what's going on? It's too much for me but then smoking is horrible for your lungs. So sublingual is like you either take like a pill and put it under

your tongue or they have like little drops you put on your tongue which sounds intense but I would be careful with those because I did the spray. There was a spray that you could get when I went to L.A. once and I did it and I had, it was way worse than an edible. Really? I was terrified. I was convinced someone was breaking into my Airbnb that two of my friends were at.

And I was like behind the door. And do you know, have you ever been like that scared that someone, something like that's happening? I had like the adrenaline going. Oh, yeah. And I like took a bat, you know, like open the door and like was swinging. There's no one even in sight. It was just a noisy house or whatever. Yeah, well, how long did it last, though?

Well, so there's a graph of how high you get, and it would go up like this, and then go down and shoot up. So I think that's why, because it like gets, I mean, maybe they're all a little different or they could figure it out. But whatever the spray was, it was like, get you a little high, you'd calm down, think you're through the woods, and then it would just, you'd get insanely high later. That's terrifying. Terrify. Because with the second you start to calm down, you're kidding to be calm during the calm rig. This is just the calm before the sky rock. Yeah, yeah.

I wish you could just recreate how high you are from smoking pot and the duration but without smoking them. The packs. It actually gets you a little less high even. The packs pen? Yeah, like, can you put actual weed in it though? Oh, yeah, that's why I have a dryer pen, but it's, but it's, yeah, yeah. It's like vape instead of smoking, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, vaping, I guess would be the thing, though. Yeah, yeah, I'm turning to such a douche. I'm going to these smoke shops. I'm like, can I have like, I went there the other time? And I'm just like, can I have like the, the, uh, the dry urb? Right. And the guy

Like he was like yeah this one's drier I was like it's his oil there And then I was the wrong one turned it back And he couldn't refund me He goes I'll give you different vaporizer I was like this is not what I wanted And he ended up

I ended up paying him He gave me half the money back Not half the money He saved $10 just on taxes He's like I can't refund you the taxes So you just Which I don't know Does that make sense?

I don't know I just sounds like it got bamboozled 100% Yeah Yeah You're gonna chime in Well I was just gonna say these all seem like ways of just quelling anxiety.

I mean, I feel like there's better ways of doing it than dabbling in various sprays. No, you gotta do drugs. No, for sure, yeah, yeah. But also, I was talking to him the most impossible thing is sleeping above a bar. Like, it is like... That's true. You are right above a bumping bar. Dude, it is like, it is like in pot. It's like, do I either develop a slight drug problem or do I get sleep?

It's like one or the other because it's like... Right. It's no good options. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've thought about sleeping on my bathtub. Like, I'm almost at the thing. that point because it is you can't hear anything past that door yeah but once you're in my room the only room that matters i wouldn't care if it was blasting in here right but it's like in my bedroom the bed vibrates and you can feel the base and you your ears don't matter that's no good i'm a pretty

heavy sleeper i mean where my building it's uh it's right by a hospital and i hear sirens all day long but at this point it's just like it is like background music to me because i've just heard it for years. But I do think the noise is easier to overcome than like a really loud bass or if you're above like a wave room. Yeah, because that's like shaking. Because it shakes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because like if that, so apparently

earplugs can help with high frequency which one's the more high pitch? Is it high frequency or low frequency? I think it might be reversed where like high frequency sounds are lower pitch or just I don't know. Yeah. But whatever like the higher pitch sounds, those get blocked out with ear plugs, but bass apparently escapes that. So it's like... Well, just the

vibrations. Like you can't earplug of vibration. No, no. Yeah. Like you say, you could feel it in your chest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why, like, a lot of, like, living above a gym, I think, I mean, the good thing is it's not going to go until 4 a.m. so you could probably sleep.

Yeah. But if you live above a gym and people are, like, throwing weights around, it's, like, very distracting. Oh, for sure. That's the thing with New York is just like, well, you get a nice one bedroom, but, yeah, you got to live above a techno house music seven nights a week. Dude, yeah. Yeah. The worst is when I'll go down there, there'd be three people sitting in the bar, and there's

blast, and I'm like, you, fuck. I was going to say it looks like the deadest slash smallest bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you were explaining it. And I've been here before, but I never looked in. And it just looks so much different than I was expecting. Dude, the worst is they told me, they were like, yeah, reggae. They're like, the base was so loud the other night.

They're like, yeah, sorry, it's reggae night. I was like, that was reggae night? I was like, why was it vibrating upstairs? It was like, yeah, let me listen some reggae and have my ears just like blowing. Right. It's like, I get that it's base heavy to an extent, but like not at that. And the worst, I think it'll be over, but it would just be like the course this song. You know, because a lot of EDM, they're like,

La, la, la, la, and we're here with each other. Like, you'll hit like the whatever thing. And then it'll be like, oh, I guess, because that's all cut out, I can't hear it. And it'll be like, I'll be like, oh, I guess time to go sleep. Boom, boom, when the drop happens. And that goes till what, 4 a.m.? 4 a.m. So Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, perfectly fine. Every other night is the loudest, most disruptive thing on the planet.

That's rough. Yeah. That's kind of this area, though. Yeah, yeah. There's so many bars here. Like, I don't know where you can go. You're in the belly of the beast down here. Yes. It's very hard for me to, like, complain about it to them. Because I've done it a couple times, and they're like,

you didn't move directly above the bar. Right. Yeah. They're like, sorry, we're having the music so loud to drown out the sounds of homeless people shitting in front of our building. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The only part that does know me is they have a signs.

They're like, please be quiet. We have neighbors. And I'm like, you guys are way louder than anybody fucking talking about. Yeah, seriously. Yeah. But the funny is there used to be a guy that would get in a cab. And so I used to be an Uber driver, so I know this move, he would just blast music alone in the cab.

And literally, I would just hear the Titanic theme blaring. There would be a cab driver just sitting in his cab, just like clearly trying to wake up because, like, you got to stay up all night. When I used to drive for an Uber, I would do that, which really dangerous because you're kind of like, anytime you're driving, you're like, yeah, I've got to force myself to stay away. That's not. Yeah, no.

It's actually good to know. If I get into an Uber and the music's blasting, I'm like, yeah, I'll probably get another one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. Interesting you would choose the Titanic. I feel like that's not really good. big pump-up music there. No, I don't know.

What it was, but it was just like, the, how does it go again, the Titanic theme? To look for where, it's a little Celine Dion.

Yeah, yeah, yes, yeah, yeah. It's like, the guy's just alone his car. And every time he saw me, like,

looking out, like, he'd occasionally catch me and then speed off. Because he's like, all right, because he could see, like,

the light turn on and, like, clearly he knew he was too loud, but driving for Uber was the most fun job in the world. Really? Dude,

I mean, I feel like you have to be built. Like I'm one of those people that I'm very social so I loved it but if you're not it probably sucks because you hate dealing with people

but I was like yeah it felt like I was going out almost because we'd be getting pumped up go to the bars and it's gonna be a sick night and like yeah you drop everybody off and you're like yeah

so you would have conversations with everybody I'm sure oh yeah one of my favorites is a dude wait did you just silence him no I was I was apologizing oh okay I think you're like shut the fuck up

I'll take this room I was like sorry Jake, don't talk Yeah The craziest one that happened was There was this guy who He's like, yeah, I just got kicked out of that bar For pulling my gun out

I'm like, sure you did And then I'm driving with them And the more I'm talking to I'm like, oh, this is like some mob-oriented guy And what happens is like I'm driving him And he's like, yeah, man, I'm like from up north He's like, I think he said like somewhere in Boston or something I mean, I'm horrible with accents

But he was just talking about all kinds of like gang stuff and then I'm like, yeah, this guy's whatever and some drunk asshole. And then I'm driving him out to like warehouses in like the middle of the night and like the middle of Florida. And then I'm like, wait a second. And then he calls some guy on the phone and he's like,

he goes, you're a comedian. He goes, tell me a joke now where I'll shoot you. And I'm like, ah, whatever. He's like, that joke bomb. He's like, should I shoot this guy? Should I this guy? And then I was like getting a little nervous. And then he gets out of my car

and I seem like adjusting his gun. I'm like, oh my God. But the problem is I had the guy's number. And he's like, let me know if you ever need a favor. And then one time I got drunk And like there was some girl I know who's like boyfriend hit her And then I was like hey I didn't say anything but I woke up next morning

And I said hey man I need a favor from you and I was like Thank God Did you get back to you? Yeah he goes what's up? And I'm like never mind figured it out and I'm like That would have dumbed I didn't want to me that he was like I haven't waiting

Yeah yeah I've been waiting for this day But like talk about a bad drug text Like yeah ordering a mob hit Yeah I was in my mind I was like drunk I was like we'll get this guy like rough up the guy and then you know it'll be fine. First of all, there's like, also zero percent chance the guy just off an Uber ride was going

just go fight some random. It sounded like he was in on it though. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, yeah. He's probably getting that text all the time though. Yeah, yeah, I need a favor. Yeah, this is the guy who takes care of favors. Well, I think, I mean, I know a lot about the mafia having watched the Sopranos,

but I think those guys do want to do the favor because then you owe them something. Right. The more people they could get to owe them. Yeah, yeah. Because they don't care about the, I mean, they obviously care about. about money, but it's like the Meyer Lansky famous mobster quote is like, I don't care about like owning, uh, or how much money I have. I care about how much like people I have. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then you would owe this guy. Yeah. It's so bad.

He's like, Michael could just work. He's like, he's just the driver. Yeah, you got to be the permanent driver. Yeah. He's like, I got a funny guy. He can drive us around. He's funny. He says, it's funny. You're going to like him. You're like it. that would have been a fucking disaster. Yeah, if you just, like, murdered somebody from, like, a drunk text, I said, I'm like, shoot, that's bad. He's like, we are in this thing. Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, fuck. That's always, like, the hard thing with, like, it's, like, obviously, men should not hit women, but when do you get involved? When does it become part of something? Like, when you see it on the street, that's a hard thing in New York, because I've seen a dude about to hit a girl all the time. I'm always like, I want to say something, but if it gets broken up immediately, I'm not, my job is not to, like, fight that guy now if the police,

you're like, where does this, Yeah, I don't know. Because, like, is one slap? Is that enough for you to interrupt? Sure. I don't think you interrupt, but I think maybe to get the cops or get the cops or Yeah, yeah, yeah, or something. One slap, you should definitely call it in a mob.

Especially if, especially in public. You know what I'm saying? Chances are if that's happening in public, it's significantly work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm definitely forecloring the cops. My question is, when do you get involved to break it apart? Getting involved, it has to be like, you got a- I'm a pussy, so that's probably that's part of it.

I'd be like, because you don't know exactly what happened. So you should probably get the authorities involved because they'll like hash it out at least. Right, but I'm saying, okay, but I'm saying like, I agree completely. You call the police. You do something because we had something that happened to my building. So like when I was in at Florida State,

I was walking down my building. There was a guy like had a girl by her wrists. And we come down, we're like, what's going on here? And the guy like ran away. So we're like, oh, that's cool. Yeah, yeah, right. Dude, I ran off that hero high for like a month. I was like, look at me.

I saved her life. But then you're like, if somebody just slaps a woman, you're like, okay, do you, obviously you'd call the cops. I'm saying, and then he slaps her again. At what point are the cops going to be too late? In what point? Oh, sure. I feel like a couple.

You got to just, you got to go in there. I think it also depends on the career with. It's all for feeling. Like what? Because you don't, because so I was just in Chicago and this guy was like banging on this girl's car, like as though he was trying to break the windshield. Yeah, that's when you called it.

Yeah. And I was like, fuck, like, we should do something. And then the guy, but this guy, like, if we got involved would have probably killed us. Yeah, yeah. Like, he didn't look like a man with something to lose. And then this girl gets out of the car and we're like, do you want us to call someone? And because he had already left. And she's like, no, that's just my boyfriend.

So, like, if we did get involved, he probably would have not only killed us. But, like, it seemed like they were going to work it out. Like, I don't know. I mean, she should obviously not be in that relationship. But I'm just saying it didn't seem like our place to get involved in the first place anyways. Right. So I don't know. At what point is it also the person's choice?

Like, obviously, like, it's like, I get that you get tricked into mind that you're in love with somebody in your relationship. but it's like at what point are you going back to, you know, what point am I getting involved? Am I going to stop this cycle of behavior? The weirdest one I had is one time I got locked out of my apartment and my older roommates like, yo, come down, meet us, we're getting drunk at a hair salon.

It was the weirdest thing. So it's like, probably like, I don't know, three o'clock in the morning. I was like, okay, I'm trying to get the keys to the apartment. And we're in this hair salon and it's shut down, but they're running it as like a nightclub because it was like during COVID or something like that. Oh, okay.

And it was one of those The weirdest thing Because the girl just storms in And starts like punching this dude And I'm like literally just try To get the keys to my apartment And we're now involved in this weird thing They're all Eastern European

You're like I don't know what's legal here I don't know if his hair salon is even legally You guys have license I don't know what's going on But we left and called the cops out of it But there's one of those where like She ran and started punching him And that's like a hard thing

Because like I don't know how you I've seen so many times I'm podcast I don't know how you restrain a woman But I don't know the proper way Listeners let us know I wonder if there's like a, you know, like you take those classes for like how to defend yourself.

How to restrain over the back. It's like these are the three steps, the Krav Magav. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. I think somebody has a joke about wrist control is like the move. Oh, baby. Yeah. But it's like also, I don't know, it's like bear hugging seems like an ideal scenario.

Bear hugging. But bear hugging could also go a weird way where it's like, it doesn't look great. No, no. You're just bear hugging a girl. It looks like you're kind of molesting. to kick her. Yeah, yeah, right? It looks bad. There's no good option. You just got to let it happen. Let it play. Just let her have, just kick the shit out of it.

That thing is scary about, like, sometimes like, uh, some homeless people in New York, because there'll be, like, a homeless woman that's high on crack. And I'm like, she could, like, just come out with the knife. Yeah, a broken bottle, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely has happened. I, I don't want to hit a boy. I don't, I don't know where the lives is. It really is one of those things, though, because when you see commotion going on, the instinct is just like, ah, I just got to get away. There could be danger. But, like, Yeah.

There are people who could use your help. Yes, right. Yeah. So you feel like you're, you know, you're just, really just a sad, wimp. There's a handful of stories, though. Not many, I'm sure, but I have heard, like, one or two where, like, there's a situation where a guy's maybe not hitting because that's obviously crazy, but, like, you could say a little aggressive with the girl or a little, like, forceful, and someone does get involved.

And then all of a sudden, it, like, turns out there in a relationship, and all of a sudden, the girl is now also beating up the person that interjected. Like the couple just bags the person that tried to help them. That's wild. You ever see a girl swing on like a giant dude? Yeah. And you're like, what's going on? You're like, that's a horrible idea for you.

It's like... I had a friend do something this situation, exact situation. He was like training and MMA and everything. And he got into a fight with like multiple people and he's just one of those people that sees red. So he's like, he was literally kind of beaten

NAS. And there's like a bunch of guys and he's just like throwing. And this girl that's that's the worst. That's the worst. If you're a guy, break up a guy hitting a girl. But if you're a girl, never break up two guys fighting. That's what I think she tried to do. Like she tried to, because she was our friend and she tried to like, you know, get him off. But he just sees red. So he did like a smooth like turnaround

swing later out. Oh my god. And then everyone starts jumping in to beat him up because they're like, this guy just hit a girl. They don't know that they're friends. And then he didn't mean to hit her though. He didn't mean to hit her. I mean, but it was a, yeah. It wasn't good. And then also, I'm in the situation where I'm like, I don't really want to be like,

he didn't mean to, you know? I got you're the guy that's like, you're defending it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, got to let him. A guy who's shocked a girl in the face. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

So we can go to any of this. I'm just going to have to keep episode. We usually say first take final cut on our podcast, but there might be some things we want to cut on this one. Yeah, we've got it. It's so funny how we were like talking about pedophila. Like, let's light in the mood. So hitting women.

Yeah. But I don't know why we don't have to have you go through it with a fine-tooth comb. I mean, it's a comedy podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got the team. All right. So who is just dedicated to. I want to make a compilation of just the things he's cut out.

I might do that. If I get comfortable enough with myself. That would be great for like a Patreon episode or something. Yes, where it's just the mix of the things I want to cut out. Yeah. I might ask him to make a file of all the laws. The lost that. Yeah.

And then once I'm like, yeah, okay, I've built a career. throw it out there now. That's cool. I like that. I mean, I would like to never have a job again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I probably will need one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you never know. Yeah. It would be funny if, like, you start having some stand-up success, so you just start, like, really letting it loose. Oh, yeah. Then stand-up does go away.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're just fucked. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's also funny because I always do a different tone with different people because I haven't had you guys on. I think I had you one time. Yeah. It's like when Alan Fitzgerald's on here,

I'm like, he just goes. And you're like, I'm going to cut none of that for him. Because I was like, I was like his fan base. My favorite is fucking Chris Kimback. Because he came on my podcast one time. He's like, hey man, I don't want you to release. It's like, I don't like doing a lot of podcasts. I don't want to get canceled.

I'm like, all of your jokes, are you being a pedophile? Or you like hitting a woman or something? I was like, your whole persona is saying the wrong thing. So it's very funny. You think my podcast would be like, wait, this isn't the fun, loving Christian Kim back, we all know. Yeah, he makes the delineation, I guess, between on stage and everything else. But, you know,

that is funny. Alan's like that, too. It's so funny, because, like, his character, you know, Alan Fitzgerald? Yeah. Yeah. His character's, like, it just says crazy, offensive things, but it's funny, because you'll get into, like, actual topics with them on here. It's like, everybody deserves health care. And you're like, I didn't expect that after

that AIDS bit you did for four minutes. Sometimes that is the case, though, the people that are, like, the most, are the riskiest or say the most wild things on stage are really the the nicest, like, you know, most empathetic people. Oh, yeah. I think the opposite is also obvious. I mean, obviously true, because they're like Cosby is like these clean cut people or sometimes.

Yeah, the ones you gotta worry about. I'm so, if Nate Bargazic gets taken down, he'll be so mad. Well, I'm not going to say. No, I think he's actually supposed to be a really good guy. Yeah. But, like, politically, I think he's actually different than people would expect. For sure. For sure, yeah. Because he's not political at all on stage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So any politics would track you in some ways. Who are we talking about? Bargazzi. Oh yeah. Like he's so clean. Yeah. So he's like, oh, is he going to be like a Cosby or whatever? But obviously, I think he's actually supposed to be like he's like a good guy. Yeah. Yeah. Because that would be, that would just ruin me if he was just murdering people.

You're like, there's no God. That's what it had to have felt like for Cosby. I had to be such a, because I didn't really, I grew up like a little bit on Cosby, but he's all. I liked him more now, not because the race. That's so funny. Because I do stand up. I respect. Like I know. I know, but that's so funny to be like, yeah, I got into Cosby last couple years. Yeah. I mean, it's just. what to happen. You got into post scandal. But when I was a kid, I was like, who's this lame guy? My dad's showing me? And I'm like, oh, he's talking about going to the dentist.

And I started doing stand-up. And I'm like, oh, wow, he's like a genius joke, right? Like, really... I've actually never really listened to his stuff. So he's a really good stand-up. Yeah. And it is just funny to see, like, someone comes over to your place and they just see you're recently viewed. And it's like a Cosby Deep dive. Yeah, yeah. But it's not even, like, things about what he did. It's just like his art. Yeah, yeah. Because, like, really, somebody was talking about it. They saw him one time, and he's just, like, a thousand years old, just with a hoodie on,

and then just sitting in a stool and just, like, murdering. Like, literally just like, like, damn, da-da-de-we. Just, like, sad with it. That's not a bad guy. Yeah. But just having, like, the funniest, like, jokes that are just, like, way out there. You're like, not way out there, but, like, just really well-written stuff. Right.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, I really only know people's impressions of them. I don't really know any of his bits, so I'm going to go do a deep dive later. But, yeah. Just so many comics that I love and respect say that that's kind of who, when they, started comedy they looked up to. So I know he's obviously amazing, but yeah, I never really watched.

Yeah, he got overshadowed a little bit by his behavior. Yeah. You're kind of like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I also, like, I don't watch any Woody Allen movies either, so. I've, that's actually, I watched a ton of Woody Allen movies and a lot of like Mel Brooks, you know, like, before I even watched stand-up. So I, like, loved comedy pre-stand-up.

But then the first person I watched do stand-up really was like Dave Chappelle. So it's so funny, it's like, I got into comedy based on these old Jews. But my first stand-up comedian Was like the urban seat Yeah You never like You know Woody Allen stand-up though He only did it for a few years

And it's amazing Really? Yeah Yeah It's on I think if it's still on Spotify He does like I think there's like four years It's like where he called it

Like the stand-up years And he has like two hours Of like amazing material Oh shit Kind of Evergreen too Whereas a lot of those old comedians Is he still on the wall At Greenwich

Like his picture Not like he formed there But I think they have like a picture Of it which is Greenwich is funny Because they have pictures of comedians but none of the pictures are in the club

in front of the club or even in the green room, right? No, no, even right next to the stage I have a picture of Dave Chappelle but he's just like on some random street. This is just like from Google images. Yeah, yeah. That's funny.

That's true. It's hilarious. We're about to wrap up. Anything you guys want to promote? Our podcast, do less podcast. Do less podcasts. We're on all platforms, I think. I don't know what platforms.

It doesn't matter. Actually, releasing episodes is off-brand because we're doing too much. But we're trying to do even less. We don't do video anymore. We're not even outlining the episodes, which we never really did. But Spotify, Apple, and Paul's on Instagram, do less podcast. Yeah. It's interesting because I'm trying to think of how you guys could do even less,

but I don't think there's any way you could do less. We're at the bottom. Yeah, yeah. Because, like, if you quitting would be the only way. But you're doing something when you're quitting, though. That's true. We do like... If you deleted your episodes, that would be doing something.

Yeah, that's true. Go ahead. No, go ahead. Do less. I'm not interrupted. Should we talk about our marketing strategy or do we not want to divulge? We could divulge. Yeah, let me hear about it.

We have a new marketing strategy, which I think is pretty genius. It's just name... So like the last episode was called Joe Biden, but we didn't talk about Joe Biden. Oh, you just name it something. So we're like, this one we're going to... I talk, say like, Amber heard. So, like, if you search, like, a trending topic, we're going to pop up. Yeah, yeah.

We're just going to do, like, whoever's, like, in the news that way. You guys, like, eating chips. Yeah. For, like, now it's nothing. That is really, like, the ultimate do less thing is, like, minimum effort for maximum. Yeah, yeah, like, so we don't even talk about, but we'll just going to name famous people are famous things. Like, I don't want to make it too touchy, so we wouldn't do, like, a Roe v. Wade.

You can't try too hard. Yeah. Like, that would, because that's topical, we'll just do, like, the big it, but not even talk about it. Yeah. We also talked about having like a running bid It's like, oh yeah, like our guest this week is gonna come like they're on their way They just like text to them

Just like the whole episode But then like never get to the guest Oh, that's amazing Yeah That's fucking all yeah Just never have them show yeah So people listening to it the first time We're gonna have to listen all the way through

Because like are they really gonna have you know Johnny Depp on right now But uh It is so funny because trying is not funny It just isn't funny you know what I mean It's like funny Yeah so funny to not try I know yeah It's universally funny that's hilarious

Yeah yeah no but it's So far, I think the marketing strategy has worked. So that's just what, yeah, if you're good, if you check out our podcast, you could expect. Hell yeah, do you guys, your Instagrams or anything? Or did you say it is? I don't know.

Jake v. Comedy, but. Mike underscore Bramante. Said it pretty smooth that time. Yeah, you nailed it. Yeah. All right. Thanks for having us. Yeah.

Yeah, thanks.