Morning Good - You're My Friend Dog, That's It - Episode 13

Episode Date: February 14, 2021

Special thanks to Eli, Joe, and the guy that accidentally texted Michael. Make sure to follow our guests to keep up with any new shows they might have around the corner.  You can find Eli Haba on Instagram @eli_haba and Joe Mahoney @mahoneycomedyAs always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michael_good1125 and on Twitter @agoodmichaelThis podcast was produced by Paxton Fleming, you can find him on Instagram @yaboypax 

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty Mike and the boys. Hey, are you dirty Mike and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning good. I love that.

Yeah, it's me with the boner on the front. Welcome to morning. All right, there we go. That should be recording. We should be good. Yeah, no, it's been like, the one thing that everybody kind of said what happened and totally happened is like very vivid dream. Yeah. They say when you stop drinking, like your dreams just get... It's funny because I've taken like two weeks off and I've talked to all my sober friends.

And I'm like, yeah, you know, I know what it's like. It's been two weeks of like just fucking... You're like, remember them and shit? Yeah. Just remember the dreams you would have remembered it had anyway. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's nothing crazy. But they're like vivid and kind of like, I don't know. I miss that. I have the most boring dreams. Really?

I had a dream last week. I had a dream that I shopped around for and then bought a tripod for my camera. For my phone. Wow. Like I shopped around for like two or three of my online. Then I called Arden to be like, you think this one would be good? And he's like, I don't know, man. That's. And then I bought it.

And like, I ordered it online. And then like the next 15 minutes of the dream were me like just like, all right. And then I woke up. Yeah. I just run mundane errands. Did you need a tripod? No. Oh.

Yeah. You had no desire. No need for that. Oh, by the way, or Eli Habba and Joe Mahoney. Eli's been on before. but, you know, I'm running out of people. I had a nightmare. I gained, like, five pounds.

Like, really disturbing dream that I had, like, I gained five pounds of fat. Yeah, that's still not that crazy. No, it's not. But I don't know if that's more sad or the ones that I have where I'm, like, hanging out with celebrities or comedians that I look up to, and then I wake up, and then I have no career. But that's a dream that, like, makes sense because that's, like, a true aspiration of yours, you know what I mean? You're just, like, minor inconveniences.

Yeah. You have, like, Larry David dreams? Have you ever, have you ever talked to Jake about his dreams? No. When I was on that road trip with Jake, we were like, we're in New Orleans. And you know, Jake Timothy? No. Another comic.

Well, he says he knows you, so that's kind of, ugh. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? No, I'm just going to have no idea. He had a lot to say about you, actually. That's why we brought you on. They've been, like, hanging out a lot. No, I was telling him before.

I want to get better than I said, but I was telling him before. I always forget to check in with people to make sure they, like, because you guys like somewhat just, like, passing by, I know each other, right? Yeah, yeah. It was one of those things where I was, like, I was a little worried at first, because sometimes I invite people I'm like, I don't even know if they're friends.

Like, I don't know if like you fucked his girlfriend or like... Right. Yeah, it's always out there. Fought him, yeah. Like the reason I don't have shows at the lantern or something.

Yeah. The lantern mic, right? That was a fun time. Yeah. That's when we saw each other. No, you're dude like I see you around.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you still. We don't really know you. Yeah. Well, you're inside now for COVID?

Oh, lately. This guy's dead to me. Yeah. Fuck you. Might as well happen. He's not at Joey bats. Come on. Yeah, I was there last night.

Subway, Mike. That was my first time there. Yeah. Damn. All right, cool. Check your facts. Yeah. That's a wild place.

What, Joey Bats? Dude, I ended up. Have you had the food there? I like it. I was going to go last night. I was going to go hang out with this girl. And, uh, and I go to,

Joey Bats was going to fuck her. Exactly. I was worried Max Halpert was going to move in there. And I go that I'm like so fucking hungry. And it's wanted to, I haven't been around. I haven't seen anybody. I was like,

I just want to go, like, show my face and run into people. I was like, let me see what they have to eat here. When I had two, like, pastries filled with, like, chicken, but, like, cat food consistency. Oh, yeah. If you eat the food, I thought I was going to shit my pants. It was bad. I like, it tastes good.

It tastes good. But it's not like, it doesn't, it's so greasy and buttery. Man, don't tell the owner. That guy's fucking. Nice guy. Oh, is he? Yeah. He heckles.

Yeah. I got in this one thing. Last show I did there, it was two audience members. and that's really hard when he's shitfaced because you can't roast the one guy because he lost half the audience

Right Right So like he's just shit face And then I like black out at some point And the next thing I'm not drunk Like in rage Yeah

The next thing I'm just screaming At this guy And I'm like I'm really losing These two people Like I just blacked in I'm like This is not going how I planned But it's one of those where like

That's why you're sober Yeah exactly But it's one of those where like I'm yelling at the guy And like If you yell at like If you You have to yell at him

For him to focus on you Right If you just let him ignore it, he's just going to either heckle, or if you tell him to be quiet, he's just going to look at the ground. So you have to keep him up enough. But it's like you can't even like do crowdwork because like you'll yell shit at him. And then he's yelling about something from like 10 minutes ago. He's sitting there just chick or whatever. He's like, he thinks he's like the man.

You know, it's the worst when they go, no, do your thing. Yeah. Right. Yeah. No, do you think. We're good. And you're like, I don't even know where to begin. Well, there's nothing more dismissive of that.

You know what I mean? Like, yeah, do your little jokes, man. You're like, fuck you, dude. It's over. No, it's just all like, we're out, it's like summer school. We're not really, you know what I mean? There's no jokes anymore. We're just fucking trashing each other.

But that's the whole thing. It's just good for your, like, stage presence, if you want to call it that. We're just, you know, we're building character. That's every mic now. Building a thick skin. That's what, yeah. Yeah, dude, I did she a parking your dudes. Oh, my God.

Dude, I did three park mics yesterday in the freezing cold. I spent like five hours in Central Park. Wow. There's, you did three back to back? Yeah. Wow. But it's good because it was only one person was at two of them. Well, that's how that sounds...

Right. I didn't mean that there was like... I was talking to the snow bend. But like... Yeah, there's an actual... You built some audience here? Yeah, no, it was like there was two people. And then, um...

Also, I'd probably hold that up high because the mic sucks. If you hold it down here. Bam. No, no. Like more like here. No, no, no. Like less on the... Oh, shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're good. Yeah. Yeah. Um, but fucking, uh... Yeah, there's only, like, it's mostly different comics every time. Right. Yeah, there you go. See, you just gotta hit the rear or...

And there's some guys... snow. It was funny, though, because me and, do you know, who's I with? I was with that, you know, Nick Taylor? Yeah.

Yeah, me and him were just, we saw some guy like in a tank top, like walking barefoot across, like the pond, like on, because it's frozen. He's not like walking on water. It's that frozen? Yeah, yeah,

you can walk on the pond. I mean, it's not like safe, but the guy was, like, doing it. And we start shit talking this guy. We're like, I hope he fucking dies. I hope he falls in. Like, this guy, this fucking douchebag. And then we're just,

we're probably spent like four minutes just roasting this guy. And then some girl walks up, and she's, like, laughing at us, roasting him. And then she kind of gets quiet. And then she's like, yeah, yeah, he's, you know, doing this. And then, like, but we keep going with it. We're, like, just, like, really, like, nah, if he dies. You start, like, throwing rocks at the ice next to him. But we're like, yeah.

And then finally the guy walks out, and it's, like, her boyfriend. And we've just been sitting there for five minutes just, like, talking, like, horrible shit about this guy. And he's, like, right there. Or, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Nice. Was she dressed appropriately for the weather? Yeah, she was.

But he's wearing, like, a tank top. And he's. So then she knows what she's involved. She could see how fucking ridiculous he looks. If she's with him all the time. Yeah, but it didn't seem like she thought it was like cool or something. Yeah, he was like doing like one of those videos. He's in our house now, you know what I mean?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, dude, there's so much more things to make fun of out. That's the one benefit of doing outside shit. There is more shit to make fun of. Someone falls on a skateboard. Yeah, so on that. Arguments over dogs.

Yeah. You ever see, one, I hang on the park over the summer. I remember like, this guy was kind of like fucking with his dog. like he was like letting the leash go under his leg and he was like tugging him and this lady starts yelling at him like fuck fuck when you're dog and I didn't like what he was doing

but I would never be the chick that I would never be like the Karen that yells at him. Oh yeah that shit's annoying. Yeah it's his dog. Yeah it's his dog to abuse right? Right. Yeah that's annoying as shit. I'd probably more likely to y'all.

I mean you see somebody like fucking with the dog a little bit is different from like somebody just like actively beating the dog in public yeah. If it was a kid though I'd probably let him beat the shit out of it. Well, it's almost like a fair fight, right? Yeah, like a seven-year-old kid versus like a 40-pound dog. Right. Yeah.

Let's see how that plays out. The dog can handle. Yeah. No, I feel like it just depends. Because that's always weird because some people do like, I don't think it's totally bad to hit. You got to hit your dog in the nose. I mean, I don't know. I'm not a fucking, you know, just lost half the audience.

Yeah. Go ahead. Your fans are down. What are the rules for hitting dogs? I don't know the rules, but it's a weird thing. It's not the same as a kid. You do have to hit your dog. They were, when they're young.

So they respect. you. Yeah, but you don't do that with your kid. Are you kind of do? You kind of do with your kid too. Yeah, there's just a weird line. Yeah. My dad hit me too much. Ah, yeah. But if he didn't hit me enough, then I wouldn't be afraid of him. You know what I'm? Like, he

went a little further past the line, but if he didn't cross it, he wouldn't know where it was. It's a good point. Right? It's like comedy. Just like comedy. Comedy's very similar to hitting your kid. Yeah. It's like anything else in life. Yeah. What is the scale, though? It should be like there should be like a device you put on your wrist.

It's like, you know the punch. Scale is years in prison. Yeah, I guess that. I was gonna say military man or years? Okay. Yeah.

Well, yeah, he was in the army. I mean, like the scale is in like, okay, you know those punching bags you hit and it tells you how strong you are.

Yeah. They used to have like an Apple rich watch that tells you how hard you're hitting your kids. You know the secret to those things. By the way, those punching. It's all about how fast you hit them. Oh,

really? It's not like real power. You want to hit it. You have to knock it back. We have to hit it really, really fast. I was in a bar one time with a friend of mine who works out like crazy all the time and he does boxing

whatever and we hit one of those and I scored like 200 points higher than him and he wouldn't leave the machine the rest of the night he just kept hitting it and hitting it and hitting it and I was like yeah just he's like wind back yeah he's like there's no way you can punch harder than me and I was like but with hitting kids it's all about strength. Listen to the arcade game

it's all about fear. Yeah yeah you really want to hit him one and they go in their face. That would just be the greatest app like it just tells you what level is it's like jail time you're like okay, I got to tone it back a little bit. It's got like the same, you know when you go to a doctor's office and all the different faces for like how much of the pain is? It's just one of those emojis pops up.

Yeah, it's just like, yeah, not satisfied. But then it's like, yeah. You can't hit your kid like a bitch. God forbid you just. Oh, if you're going to hit your kid, they better respect you. It's kind of when you spank your girl. You got to give it a little. Right.

All right, fellas, you can't just. Is this okay? You should have to do clothes. You need to lose it out a little bit. Fellas, you know, when you're spanking your, oh. Yeah, you know, this is a nice place I know a girl lives here. Yeah, oh yeah, my girlfriend lives here, yeah.

That's not yours? No, that's not my, yeah, corset. I don't even know what you call this. Some kind of, bro. Yeah, I'm excited. It's going to be a sober V-day, so she's going to get hammered in then. That's the Sunday.

Yeah. Shit's coming back, man. That's the day indoor dining's opening, right? Supposedly now it's Friday, though. And we're going to the spy museum. Yeah, oh, yeah, I go. The 12. Oh, that's a very expensive place. Really?

I went. I went to tickets like 50 bucks. Yeah. Or if you got them online, maybe they're cheaper. I went one time. It was fun. I don't know anything about that. They have an Epstein exhibit.

It's gonna be fucking cool. At the spy museum? I was going to say, yeah. That's a spy. I've always said that'd be funny if they had escape rooms like that. Like we really fucked up.

Just horrible real life things. Like escape Epstein's Island. You got like I survived. Sure. I'm sure. I'm sure there would be an escape a Holocaust one and then like the plantation but it would yeah me too it would be pretty bad idea but

you're gonna boat yeah there is some room where that conversation happened where some guys like how about this I survived slated and they're like no we we can't but the shirts I already made the shirts he's like I don't know how is it only ambiguous Aztec tomb yeah he's a key whatever yeah that is yeah that is kind of weird because like it depends how far back it is because you could do that with like yeah maybe not Egypt but maybe like some weird as

I didn't need Egyptian one. An Egyptian escape room? No. But it wasn't like you were a Jewish slave escaping. No, they don't give you a character. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. You can pretend, you know.

Exactly. I bring my character to every one of them. I'm always a Jewish slave in every one. Like, this one takes place in 2049. Yeah. And they did it again. Yeah. When we are I come?

Yeah. I don't know. There's got some guy that comes from escape room. Oh, yeah. Probably. Let's do it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Lost team there. No, I'm looking up. I do have so, bro. Do you know Phil 987 apparently wrote a screenplay? Oh, man. So for the listeners that don't know, Phil 987 is this guy who is, I would say, the most offensive person.

He's this autistic Asian guy that just tells us the most racist, offensive jokes. Yeah. Some of them... They're good. They're kind of well-structured. Yeah, there's some jokes that are like well-structured. No.

They're good. That's the autism. But then he looks. loses people. You know, he, I don't know, have you ever, has he ever, like, talk to you? Uh, yeah. He comes up to me and he, he kind of like, he's like, hey, can I get your, he extract my advice and shit. About what? Because I've seen him for years and, like, always thought, like, he was funny but crazy. He's like, do you think people know I'm doing a character? And I'm like, wait, oh, so he doesn't have an Asian accent? No, but I think, no, he has an Asian accent.

Okay, I'd be very confused. He's like, yeah, this is totally. It's sad. How did he sound when he came up to you? What was this? Can he do his accent? It was him. It was him. It was You could do it. I mean, you can do. What? Now I'm just forcing you to do the Asian accent. I can't do a racist accent. I am so,

the one I cannot do a Chinese accent, like to save my life. Try. I can only do racist one. This is a Mr. Good's podcast. No, that's it so bad. Yeah, I don't even know where that guy's from.

A little Shankara in there. Yeah. I'm just doing like, what is it, Andy Rooney from, a breakfast of Mickey Rooney. Yeah. But he's like, people don't,

do people know, do people know I'm doing a character? And I'm like, shit. I don't know. But I think it's like a sat time. In his mind, he's like, no, I'm trying to do. Like, I think when he doesn't get laughs, he thinks that they don't get the character. Oh, yeah, but it's like, no, you just said the N words. Character or not, people are uncomfortable.

My favorite thing I saw in the club. Yeah. I saw him one time, and it was like, it was in the penthouse. Right. And he's doing the mic. And he does like nine black jokes in a row. Yeah. And I was just getting so uncomfortable because none of them were landing.

And I remember just thinking, I've never had this before, but are my brain. I'm like, please do a rape joke. Right. I'm like, this would have just even, it would have been the one scenario. I know. Yeah, it's too much of the same thing. Yeah. He has one. It's like, what is it? He goes, they say only one out of five rapes go reported. So I had a pretty good summer. I would have a good summer. Yeah.

But it's just the way he says it is funny and it's misdirection. I saw him do the black jokes in front of a black crowd. I like the stress factory. Did he do bad then? He did, he did bad there. He had one joke murder. He had, um, not that one. like a joke about like a bitch on the phone. He's like, they say cell phones cause cancer. I think it's the bitch on the other end of the line.

And that's that murdered, but all the black jokes, nah, nothing, yeah. People have told me, there's a black crowd. Was that a black crowd?

Yeah, yeah, there's black crowd. But I know, I've heard people say that he's killing. He's got balls. I'm sure. I'm sure.

Kind of. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. He got, like, they didn't want him to come back to the penhouse. I'm like,

come to my basement. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I would, yeah. just go. Let him talk about,

oh, he starts saying Jews a lot. Oh, yeah. That's always a fun one. Yeah, you're like, uh,

but then I agree with some, not with that, you know, right. That's because he's like, he's like, a lot of them do work. Yeah,

they always go right. And then as they start doing, like, oh, no, I agree with it. With, once they start doing that,

I'm like, uh, I got to re-evaluate some stuff. Yeah, let's talk somebody who like says one horrible thing, but couches it in good points. Right.

Yeah. They go too far. And that happens to the comics where, like, you'll see one who's really funny with their, like, fucked-up jokes. Because a lot of people that say, we all say fucked up. We all have those in us. We're like, well, say a fucked up joke. And we're like, okay, whatever, you know, that's... Yeah.

They either worked or it didn't. I'll keep it or I won't. But then sometimes there's people that, like, do fucked up jokes. Like, hell yeah. And then you get off to the side with them. You're like, great jokes. And they're like, what? Like, yeah, yeah.

But then they also, like, thinking, you're like, oh, fuck, that's like uncomfortable. What do you mean? When I was educating the audience on the truth? Yeah, exactly. you're like, fuck. Yeah. Because there are some funny people out there that also happen to be super, like, fucked up. Right.

Or the people that like that shit, start to get a little weird. Yeah, that's annoying too. I think them more. Where's the medium? Yeah, you're worried about the fan base because you're like, not like, but you're like, because I know a lot of podcasts that are like satirical. We'll take them. We'll, like, deal with it where they're like, oh, next thing you know, they're like,

sweet, we got a lot of fans and they aren't getting it. It's just like a bunch of racist people. And you're like, oh, that's not what we're actually trying to do. Whenever they do this, woo, woo! Woo! Woo! Like that's too much. Yeah, it's the South.

The Storm of the Capitol. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the funny thing about the storm of the capital I was thinking about the other day. It's like, they think they're stopping pedophiles.

Like, in a way, it's like what they're doing. Have you been watching these impeachment proceedings? No, I don't care of now. I watched it yesterday and the day before. I turned it on and just, I had nothing to do.

Like, I opened my computer and the New York Times, whatever, and it was like, watch live now, whatever. And so I clicked on it, just whatever. And I started watching.

It's really, entertaining. I don't know why, but it just hooked me and I watched it for like three hours a day before yesterday, like four hours yesterday. And there was one part where like showing all this footage of like people in the capital and storming it, whatever. And there's this one dude, like they get into like the Senate floor or whatever, wherever the senators actually sit when they're having their meetings.

And these guys get in there and they go up to these desks. And this one dude's filming this guy and he's like pouring through papers. And he's like, there's got to be something here we can use on these scumbags. I was like, what the fuck conspiracy do you think? is happening here. There's just like printouts of them saying like, don't let the public know that like they actually lost the election. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like if you think things want to be in code language too, like why do you think they would just have it? Just on a piece of paper. Yeah. Like that's the evidence you need. And it's so funny to watch these fucking morons just take pictures of different documents. Yeah, exactly.

So like the QAnon shit. Yeah. Man, they give good conspiracy theories a bad name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I know they do. You know, I used to have a bit on this about like, I don't know what happened to like conspiracy theories in this because they used to be like it was an interesting thing about you if you believed in conspiracy theories. And not even undergrad. It's like the stuff you believed

in was relatively harmless. Right. You know what I mean? It was just like your conspiracy theories were just a conversation you could have late at night. Yeah. But now like if you say like if somebody asks you like oh you believe in conspiracy theories you might be like yeah I believe that like Nazi scientists are the ones that took us to the moon but they're like that's not what I'm talking

about. I'm talking about the reptilians Trump's our savior. Denver airport. Trump's the only person that can save us. It's like, no, dude, what you're talking about

is delusion. I'm talking about like a logical thing that you can make an argument for. You're talking about to fucking astrology. Right. Yeah, yeah. It is hard though because like,

where do you draw? Because like there is some truth to like politicians being involved in pedophilia. Like obviously there is some. Right. So it's like it is weird where it's hard to find where the line is drawn to. Yeah. My thing is funny though is one of my friends is telling.

I hate when people say terrorists aren't brave. They're like they're cowards. I'm like, dude. Right. I was like, Easy Bill Mart. Yeah, yeah.

I've heard people say that shit. They're like, yeah, no, these people aren't brave. I'm like, you're scared to go on an airplane. These people flew airplanes into buildings. Or these people flew on an airplane from Arizona. Or like, I don't want to get into a fight because I don't want to get hit in the face. No, I know. They're blowing themselves up.

I agree. But it's hard to say, like, these people are like coward. Like, that's such a bad example to say because I'm like, it's pretty brave to storm the capital. Like, I'm not encouraging it. It's fucking insane. Right. But, like, that's a pretty brave thing to do. Right.

For that amount of urgency. If you're listening, please. Don't don't do it But let's call in No yeah totally Do you think anybody Storm just like their local cap Like

Like they did it in Michigan Really? They did it in Michigan Month ago Oh really? Yeah it was like wait It was like a month or so Before the storming in the capital

Here they went into Michigan Bro they were showing footage of that That's just for fun And they were like A dude was inside the Michigan State Capitol With an AK 47 And I'm like how was that guy not shot? Like that's a fucking crazy

That is insane They're white You know what I mean Yeah I don't know There's got to be more than that Right They just let them because they're, I don't know.

I don't really know. Well, I think I was talking to somebody about this. It's a weird thing because, yeah, I do think obviously like the police are more chill with white people. Like, you know, it's less of an issue. But I think also would have that. How would you sum up the race relations between? I forgot. I forgot.

I totally forgot. I was just starting. I would say the police are totally not fire with the black community. No, no, it's not chill at all. It's very on edge. No, but I think also it happened when I saw the storm in the capital, I was like, oh, they all. they also have to deal with this differently than the Black Lives Matter

protest that turned, like those rallies because they know all these people have guns. Right. Because all the people at the Capitol, they know they have guns. So they also have to treat it differently because if they shot like three of those guys, 40 of them would have just like,

you know what I mean? It's like very tough. Right. So much crazier to have seen though. Yeah. I don't want that to happen, but like, I like chaos. Sometimes I want to see it.

Yeah. If something's going to happen, I want to see it happen. Yeah. You know? I was like, whenever there's, like, a big car accident on the highway, like, I want to be there to see that. I don't want to, I'm not happy that it happened. Like, you know, I don't want to get stuck in the traffic.

I want to see it. I want to be the car that, like, like, it happens. And I swore. Well, it's never enough for me. I'm like, yeah, it's not. I'm like, let me look at his face. You're slowing down for this. There's no fire.

Like, it's no explosion. I get, like, mad, but if it's not good enough. It's not good enough. I didn't even come. It's not. It's the point. Yeah. No, I know you mean, though.

If news is sold to us as entertainment now, might as well, you know, give me the good shit. It really is, though. Yeah, it is kind of like, yeah. Something I wanted to get into real quick, I got a wrong number, and I went deep into this. What do you guys do when you get those? What do you? Like somebody gave you the wrong number? So I got thrown in a group chat for somebody's birthday.

No, somebody got my number out of a group, and they thought I was somebody else. So somehow somebody got my number, they put me in a group chat. I never answered. And then they texted me saying this. give me a second. Do you guys respond? I remember one time I respond all the time. I had a good one like two weeks ago.

Let me know that. Let me read mine and I want to hear yours. I had one where I just started sending pictures of me running to the guy and asked them to judge my speed. This is, oh, I got to find this one. You remind me when I texted a dead check and she responded. The girl died and like her, was her mom? I texted, well, this girl died.

I texted a number, like, just to see what happened. I did that one of my friends died, and I texted, like, hey, I hope you're somewhere out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they respond. Wait, you're trying to get pussy. Yeah, kind of. I can see you just be like, yeah, if you're. And I use this, like, dushy line that I use, sometimes I've used where, like, if the girl's not answering, I'll be like, are we in a fight, you know, like, you know what of those?

I miss you. Oh, you didn't know. And the guy answers and goes, like, I don't know, you want to? And, like, I thought it was her, like, being sexual, like, ooh, you want to be. know she was dead. I didn't know. I heard she was, you know, I heard she was dead and you're like, let me just take a shot. It's been years. Yeah. It's been, I worked with her, you know, years ago, you know, and someone told me she was dead. I'm like, I'll text for shits and giggles. I never like confirmed it. And then they answered. And I thought it was her being like, yeah, I want to fight like a sexual

and I kept messaging. And he's like, I'm a dude. I thought you actually wanted a fucking fight. You know what I mean? And I was like, no, dude. And he's like, no, dude. And he's like, well, do you want to fuck then? Yeah. Yo, I got this one a couple weeks ago. I don't know where unknown number, nothing between this person. I texted you two days before your birthday and on your birthday,

and I left you a message. Which is respond. I was like, but you didn't get me anything. And then they say, you took plenty from me. Dude, that person really fucked shit up. Yeah, so it was like, how come you didn't send me a nude or anything? Oh, there you go.

And then I was like, fuck, this could be like a couple. cousin of mine or something that I got my number. Like they're getting cell phones now. And then I got nothing from them. Oh, well, that sucks. That would have been fun to get a nude. This person goes, thanks for letting Cole and I come to the Super Bowl party.

I go, no problem. Things got a little wild, but I had fun. And then the guy goes, it's going to take a second. I can read this whole thing. The guy goes, what do you mean? But yeah, bro, I have fun. Look on your exam this tomorrow. I said, thanks, dude.

And what I mean is a little behind the scenes action if you know what I mean. Can I tell you something in confidence, though? Kind of something just between you and not. The guy goes, yeah, bro, of course, you can. You know I got you. And it starts out slow because you got to kind of ring them in. You got to get them hooked. You can't be too quick.

If you go too quick. I'm like, I'm kind of doubting my chosen career path. Sometimes I feel like I chose the wrong one to study. He goes, yeah, bro, I mean, with the pandemic and a theater major, it's got to be really tough. Blah, blah, blah. You're also trying to flesh out, like, who does this guy think I am? Right, right. And then he's like, I think it's normal to have doubts, all this stuff.

And I go, thank you. That means a lot. and then I go, please don't take this the wrong way. I said first, but I'm being honest, there's more, there's something else I kind of wanted to bring up. Please don't take this the wrong way at all. Your great friend, it always will be. I know this is going to sound crazy or weird,

but I kind of got the vibe that you were hitting on me a little last night, almost flirting, maybe even trying to make a move. And the last thing I wanted to do is make this friendship awkward by bringing it up. I just wanted to establish that it's not something I'm super interested in. I know that these things are really hard to talk about, but I kind of just wanted to keep this friendship where it is. Because, like, first I was like, okay,

I can't just come out as gay to this guy, because that's like on original. But my friend was like, what you should do is you should make it awkward for him. Like, make him think that like, because I don't know how the fuck I would respond to a friend who's to that. What he said? He goes, I'm going to be real with you. I'm going to change the name.

I'm be real with you, Dylan. I'm straight. Never ever thought about getting with a dude ever in my life. Until now. Yeah. So I'm sorry if it came across that way But I never tried to put that vibe out there Or anything

So if that happened Definitely wasn't intentional You're my friend dog That's it That's just the way Haming up the bro speak Yeah he's like He's like

He's like dude bro You fucking Bud Light dude What's up dude That's it And that's just the way I like it Which is weird That's the way I like it Being friends of dudes

Yeah I'd fucking Let's go on you with regards to advice, whatever, blah, blah. And he goes, of course, I'll keep that you felt that way between us, but just wanted to clarify that for you, I'm sorry if it felt that way. And I said, I feel kind of like I was getting a little too harsh in the last text. I'm not like blaming you for shooting your shot. I kind of respected a lot in a way.

I just wanted to establish my feelings on the matter in no way want you to feel bad. I know that it's kind of thing you really can't bottle up, so I respect the courage, but I'm glad we could both see eye on us. He's getting really gay. That's being I'm getting very And he goes Yeah bro

I mean the type of person Oh blah Trying to hit on you But I appreciate your thoughts Something something I go I'm sure it was the wrong by Misinterpret he goes Okay so I go

It's all cleared up now I just felt like I was Picking up on certain things early on So by the way The fact that he hasn't like figured out This isn't one of his friends It's weird I was like it's all cleared up now

I just felt like I was picking up on certain things early on. When you first recommended that we dress up as Cubs Couts at the party, I was like, this is a little strange, but nonetheless, I did it.

And the wrestling did seem... Now you're just telling him, it's a joke. Right, exactly. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. He's still away. Okay, okay. And the wrestling didn't seem

that gay at first, but when you told me we were gonna play spin the sausage, I started to question things in my head. But once again, I've known you for a while, so I just took a small mental note that moved on.

But then after you accidentally spilled ketchup on my shorts and suggest that we take a shower together. I just didn't know how to feel about it until we dried off. And then I go, wait, is this Kyle from Southgate? He goes, no, this is Billy. But yeah, that is a little suss. A little. I go, Jesus Christ, I was confused when you brought up the name Cole. He goes, bro, what the fuck did you do last night? I was with you for hours. So, like, he still thinks that the other guy. That's great. He thinks that he just had a good night with this guy, and then the guy went off and, like,

and, like, got naked. So he thinks that he thinks. And somehow neither of you have each other's numbers. Yeah. What my brother was said is like, dude, you should have somehow got the other guy's contact. And because like I think this is somebody I might know, like, I don't know them, know them, but like somebody I know like a friend of a friend. So I'm like, if I got the other guy's contact and invited them to hang out. Oh. Have them on the podcast.

Yeah. But he said it's chill dog. Just confused because I was like, I don't remember doing that last night. Yeah. But that was that. I don't know. That was fun. It was a good time.

I don't know. I didn't know how long did it. Because at some point, you have to make it funny, but, like, you have to, like, you have to, like, hook him. Yeah. Yeah. So he still thinks what's... No, eventually, he was like, I think you might have the wrong number.

But, like, he still thought that, like, he hung out with a guy till midnight, because I looked at his text. And then he left him, and then the dude was, like, some gay wrestling party. And then he's like, maybe that is a little gay. I was like, yeah, I heard they do stuff with ketchup. That actually makes sense. Yeah, yeah. did you

prank phone calls as a kid? Oh, all the time. Oh, yeah. But like, I couldn't keep it

together. I'd be like, I called the carpet company and I was like, do you guys have carpets and shaved a penis? I was like, I can't fucking do it.

Yeah, it's so exciting. Craigslist was a game changer, you know? Just calling people selling shit. I love to emailing people off the, casual encounters and missed connections off Craigslist.

You would email them? Oh, yeah. Well, because it would put their emails on there. Right, right, right. I don't think they have

misconnection. I don't think they have casual encounters anymore. I think they still have missed connection. Misconnection. But you'd go up and it was like misconnections, like the most ambiguous shit, like saw you on the train on Tuesday. There's no date.

You know, like, saw you on the train on Tuesday. No specificity. And he's like, email that person and be like, I felt it too. And you'd tease them and shit and just make them think. That's a lot of fun.

It was the person. You're like, I felt the same way. That's pretty brutal. He's got a buddy, though. You know who mentioned those? Chris DeLea used to mention those on his podcast.

Oh, yeah, but he would just read them. But I like, you're actually prank. Like, that's funny. Yeah. We used to, when I was like 18, 19, when I was in college, we used to stay up late emailing those people all time.

We also emailed. And they probably answered right away. So it wasn't like you're so excited. Yeah. It's a misconnect, you know? They're like fucking, wow. Imagine looking for somebody like you're that desperate and lonely that you think there's, you, the motivation there is you think there is no one in the world for you.

And then someone who made eye contact with you on the six train. Isn't that what the whole song, you're beautiful by James Blunt is about? You just see some girl on the train. And then, like, that's like the whole song. All right. Saw us a dressing. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, what's the percentage of those working? Probably like zero point. Zero point zero. You know what I mean? There's got like a Netflix series on one working. That should be a whole movie. Like they meet them and they're like, this is going to work out great.

And they're like, wait, you're Jewish. Yeah. No. How would you possibly have any of that connection with that person? Yeah. You're just like somebody's like, this is not going to work. Just like, I'm sure stuff like that happened. Like you know nothing about that person.

They could be like a neo-Nazi. Right. I know. It's got to be something going on. It's Phil Philly. It's fine. It's what? It's Phil Philly.

Oh, I call him Phil Philly. Is he from Philly? Doffey? Dude, who knows, bro? Where is he from? Is you from planet Earth? Who are you talking about?

The Phil 8, 9, 8, 7. Oh, okay. Yeah. We gossip on this podcast. Somebody's like, yeah, he was scared to ride trains for a year. And, like, he's super autistic. But I was like, I thought autistic people like... Love trains.

But then I'm like, wait, maybe it's the op. Like, he's intimidated by the trains because he loves him so much. Like it's like a date thing where he like sees the train. He's like nervous to like encounter with this. He loves him so much he won't get off them. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

That's his whole week guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people claim to be autistic these days and I'm like, I don't know. It's a spectrum, I guess, right? Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying he's not denying him.

I heard of people claim to be, right. Claimed to have ADD, ADHD. Do people like to claim autism? Yeah. I think because they want to feel like. Because I've heard people be like, oh, I'm bad with people because I'm smart and special. I'm not just shitty with, you know what I'm not just like a nerd. Do you know autistic people that are not smart though?

I've met a lot of those autistic people that really aren't. With crippling autism. Yeah. There's no power. There's no superpower or whatever. They can't count like. I have a friend of mine. I met him in college.

When I was in high school, there was a kid, he had Asperger's like really intense. So socially he was fucking just a nightmare. But everyone knew he had Asperger, so everyone was cool with him. Yeah. Right. His sister also, or maybe his cousin, whatever, she was super hot, super popular. So nobody gave the kid a hard time. Right.

Because why would you? You're not going to pick on this guy. He's fucking something wrong with him, you know? And he's got a hot cousin. I go to college and I meet this kid and he's exactly the same. Like he's just all those things. I'm like, oh, fucking another one of these guys. And everyone's like same symptoms.

He's the exact same person. Oh, yeah. Right? And everyone was an asshole too. I was like, I thought I'm not going to be mean to this guy. He's obviously got ass burgers. He did better in high school? No, he's a different guy.

Oh. I just met a new kid that had all the same symptoms. And so I was nice to him. And he, like, really latched on to me. And, like, we're still in contact to this day. I've never confirmed that he's autistic or has Asperger's. I've just assumed it for, like, nine years now. Oh, because he actually, I have the other kid.

Yeah, but he'll be the most awesome shit. All of us have autism. Like, there's one guy. Oh, 100%. Yeah. A lot of people thinking about you. People say it all the time, actually. No, I don't know.

I'm a weird guy. I know when I'm close to. But this dude, he's, like, called me. I haven't talked to him for months. And he'll call me. He's like, hey, Eli, what's going on? I'm like, oh, there's nothing hanging out. And he goes, hey, could I borrow your car for six hours?

Oh, yeah. Oh, I thought you ex-tim. I'm like using this guy. No, no one to your friends are. Yeah. That's hilarious. He's just, just, just blunt. Well, yeah, I always get along with those people, too.

Yeah. It kind of scares you. Phil 987. Yeah. And, uh, I mean, Asperger's is one they claim. That's like the high functioning. Well, that's because you're a totally normal person. You just don't know how to deal with people.

Right. There's a rapper. Chief Keefaz. It's kind of refreshing. What? Chief Keefe has Aspergers. Oh, really? Yeah.

He's a rapper? Wow. Yeah, he was like a big rapper, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. Was he like, I hope he was really good with like word play. He wasn't like a mumble rapper. Yeah, he was a mumble rapper.

Oh, God. What's the point of that? Yeah, yeah, it wasn't very, yeah. It's not the got the diamond in his head? Damn. Yeah. But it's one of those things that's like, he like loves jewelry, but he's really just like obsessed with like diamonds probably.

Like it's probably like a weird level. Scientifically. Yeah. He's reign on Jupiter. Yeah. There's the facts about him. Yeah. This is the thing I've realized with it.

We are so fascinated by people who have like mental disabilities, but it's like such a weird thing because we realized, okay, we can't do it in movies. We did Forrest Gump. Right. Never go full retard. Yeah,

exactly. Why don't they make, they always make movies about like mentally challenged people? They do whatever years. I make a movie about a mentally challenged people. Why do they always make it sad? Why can't they make a position? Because this is my way I feel about mentally challenged people.

It's like I don't, I hate watching movies about mentally challenged people. Because they make me so sad. I never seen radio so I can't speak. But doesn't it look like you would make you cry? Yeah. 100%. No, for sure.

But like, whenever you talk to mentally challenged people in the real world, they always make you laugh. They're happy as shit. But people are, it's so funny because people want to have one specific mindset. Because like, I've seen this girl.

I think what it is is they don't want you to laugh at mentally challenged people. Which I'm not doing. But if I'm talking to one and he's having a good time and I'm having a good time, why can't we both laugh? Yeah, I agree. So, you know, if I see one walk down the street and his pants fall down

and he trips on the street. something, I can't laugh at that? Yeah, well, it's like, have you seen the peanut butter falcon? No. No. So it's a guy with Down syndrome and Shilabuff, not to confuse it too, but he, um... We didn't give you anything on that. Yeah, I know.

I was holding in my own laugh, and I was like, this is gonna be good. No, no. I'm so happy we're a united front there. Yeah, no, it was the one that landed. But, and, uh, the whole movie, you're just laughing at him for having Downs. Like, I know everybody's like, oh, it's a heartwarming thing, but it's like, you're still, Forrest Gump, you're laughing at the fact he's mentally challenged the whole entire time.

I mean, I haven't seen it in a long time. Is that like a comedy? Forrest Gump? Yeah, dude, everything he does, Tommy does something like, which part where she like dies of age? He's kind of killing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Running everywhere.

But people, you're so weird about it because, like, I saw an attractive girl with, or she was like, it was like this Down syndrome model. And then everybody's coming, like, she's so beautiful. And I guarantee you if I commented would totally let her suck my dick, everybody'd be like, you're a piece of shit. Right. And I'm like, oh, are we treating him like normal people or are we not?

Like, right. Tudies ain't retarded. But is it like a thing where like you're laughing but your girl punches you like stop. But then that's her sense of propriety where she also thinks it's funny but she's like my line of decency is don't laugh at that. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Because if you do that like if you laugh at something that somebody honestly does not think is funny at all, they're not like punching you and playing with you.

They're like that's fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. But that's the thing. It's like in what line where you treat them like regular people? because, like, people are like, oh, no, that's fucked up. I don't, I'm not sexually attracted to people with Town syndrome. Let me just emphasize that.

Right. But it's like, if you weren't, like, if you're... But it's like, something's so peace, dude. Yeah, exactly. Let your real thoughts out here. But I'm saying, like, in the second, somebody's, like, that's fucked up. I'm like, okay, are they disabled or they're not? Let's be honest.

They are disabled. Like, they have... Right, right, right. The mental intelligence of somebody... So we do have to treat them different. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, they have the mental intelligence of somebody who's 10 years old when they're, like, 25.

So technically... Patience. I'd say patience, right? Yeah. But you also... It takes a really long time to like... I don't know about that, but... Yeah, it takes a really long time to

woo them is what you're saying. But you're too impressed them? No, to like get them to sleep with you. It's not like, you could just beat them and fuck them that night. It's like, you have to like really drive at home and, like, you have to buy them all kinds of stuff and date them for a while.

I don't think so. My favorite dice joke is... I think they're easy. I don't know. That's fucked up. Yeah, I guess, yeah. In the words of dice, he goes, uh, he goes, he's retards. They all retarded.

But then as soon as they see a pair of tits, they know exactly what to do. It's true. I don't know. There's some truth for that. Maybe the guys. I don't know what the girl. That's instinctual, I guess.

Wendy, the retard. Yeah, I don't know. Are you just naming people you know what you like? Howard Stern. Oh, okay. I never see. Was she like a someone with Downster. A guy,

she'd come on. She had like she was retarded. Yeah. But then she hooked up with the other, she hooked up with Gary, the retard. So I guess they, they stick together.

I don't know the shows. I'm sure that just with the show. Did you hear like Louis's bit about, I keep just mentioning bits, but Louis's retard bit in his late special. Oh, yeah. He just talks about the word retard for like 20 minutes. Right.

And he's like, so I'm not retarded? He's like, oh, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, you're still retarded. Yeah, we're not even working on it. Because we don't hang out with them. Like, why? Yeah, why can't we say the word? They're never around.

Like, what's the big deal? Yeah. And it's also different because that word was meant to be the nice word. Like, it wasn't like made as a slur. Fucking, do you know what it used to be? It's medical. That was the medical term for a long time. It means, it was mongloid.

Yeah, but it was also one and so it was more on. Right, but it's like, so it's like we just keep changing the word. Yeah, it's not going to do anything. Yeah, so mentally challenged a little bit. It's like, yeah, we got to have sex with them. Mongoloids sound so much more harsh than retard though. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it sounds horrible.

Mongoloid sounds like if you're talking about Mongaloids, because now it's like you have to know. It sounds like a super villain. We have to know medical history to know like what that group of people is. So if you say Mongaloids, it's like you know it's a disparaging term for a group of people, but you're not sure what where they're from. That was medical? Mongoloid. Oh, that's, I didn't know that.

Yeah, it sounds like they're like an ethnicity of some kind. Yeah, that changes everything. Yeah, it changes everything. I shouldn't have gotten fired last week. It's medical. I said it to the C. I was being very polite to my boss's son when I called him then. It's calling to see it, though, because we have admitted that we do want to see them, though.

Because, like, dating on the spectrum, reality TV is the best way, because we've realized, like, okay, they're not the best actors. And we can't have other people play them because that's fucked up. Right. So we're like, let's have a reality. TV show about them. Right. Because we're just I'm curious.

And then people are going to get pissed that you're like fucking exploiting them. Yeah. And it's like, well, what do you want? Yeah.

You don't, they don't know what they want. Yeah. That's, yeah. Yeah, well, they don't know,

it's hard because it's like, what do they want, because what they want is, I don't know, maybe it's correct, but yeah. I mean,

people that get upset about them. They're faking it. They're faking it. They're trying to lure us in. Yeah. I think they all got the vaccine. That's what it was. now.

Let's go. But there's less retards. I went out with a girl a few months ago. And she told me she had lupus. Yeah. Which is the only knowledge I have of lupus is the Mitch Hedburgh joke. That's it. What's his joke?

Yeah. His joke is, it's not even about that where he's like alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic. Damn it Otto, you have lupus. That's the only time I ever heard lupus before. I don't even know what it was. I think it's deadly, right?

It's terminal. Well, so I hang out with this girl and she's like, yeah, I tell you, I have lupus. I'm like, is that like, can I get that from you? Like, what kind of the thing is that? You know, like, is it too late to abort right now? And she's like, no, you can't give it to anyone. It's an autoimmune thing. And I'm like, oh, what are you fucking nuts then?

Like, you're hanging out with me. It's a pandemic. And she's like, nah, I'm like one of the cool people with lupus. And she tells me that it's like, she got it from a vaccine. Oh, really? She got, when she was like 13 or whatever, her doctor was like, you're going to get the HPV vaccine. So they gave her like two rounds of it.

and then she just almost died, couldn't walk for like two years, ends up getting with lupus. And I'm like, I've never met one of you. Like, you're everyone that's bitching that, like vaccines cause all this stuff. Like,

you're the actual person. That's crazy. And she knows for sure. It's from a vaccine. She's like, are you like, you like, you can't get HPV though because I just fucked you.

Exactly. And I was like, so what is your vaccination status, by the way? Did you complete that or not? Yeah. And I'm like, that's crazy.

And I told a bunch of people about it. And I told my sister, my sister's in like medical school. And she's like, yeah, that's not true. She didn't get it from that vaccine. Oh, really? And then I was having this argument

with my sister, and a woman with lupus walks past us, and she's like, I have lupus, and you can't get it from vaccines. Wow.

Yeah, but there's too, I was saying, right. You know, because there is some level of, like, I'm one of those people that's like,

I hate the general term. Anti-Vaxor? No, no, so like, anti-vats, like, anything general's bad,

but yeah. Like, when people with general are like, like, I trust white, the experts or the, Well, yeah, but the doctors, the experts, it's like, there's also a doctor that put me on

Adderall when I was, like, fucking six. Yeah, there were, like, Nazi doctors who were like, I think that we could just make everybody blue-eyed clones. Yeah, exactly. No. Dr. Larry Nassar, that Olympic doctor who raped all those chicks. Right.

Dr. Frankenstein, who made a monster. The doctors feel good. Yeah. Sell drugs. Exactly. Frankenstein. Yeah, Nazi. They could be a Nazi.

I think he's Jewish. He was German. Or German, German. He was German Jewish. It's German Jewish. I don't know if he's Jewish. That's Mary Shelley. He made it.

Anyway, what you're saying? He was a doctor. The Jews make monsters? Is that? That's where nightmares come from? That's what those Jewish people? He was the monster. He was the real monster here.

Frankenstein was a symbol for the media. I got you. They kind of put all this stuff together and that goes around. There was lightning. That's the weather. Yeah, oh, there you go. There you go. Right.

Control in the weather. That is a funny. You were telling me you'd go on those like Kluke's Klan forms or something like that and just see what they actually think. I thought you were saying you went to go, no? That is like,

what? On the last podcast, I thought you said you'd go on racist forms just to see what they thought. Or maybe I was just bringing up their website because I was curious because you brought up their website. Yeah.

Don't put that on me. Okay. I thought. I was like, what were you saying about your friends in the Ku Klux clan? No, I was to say like that.

I thought like, I thought you were saying you've like explored it because the people like think true Jews control the weather. I am curious to have a conversation with people that act like I used to do I haven't done it a long time but I used to do this thing where like whenever I met new people, especially like if I met them in a random kind of way I'm never going to see them again. I would start having like really anti-Semitic speech like kind of subtly where I just like

throw it in like I don't trust Jews or I don't like Jews and it would accomplish one of two things. Yeah because usually it just made them very uncomfortable which was amusing to me and then every once in a while they'd like kind of agree with you and like that's fucking incredible and then you go fuck this person forever in a while yeah yeah exactly damn it sucks if you record the conversation you're like

I'm a secret Jew right going to yeah undercover I don't have to do that for like a Long Island you know right I don't trust people from Long Island we know you're from there cool FDNY hat yeah yeah cool wigger hat

yeah true I don't know don't you hate when like someone tells you about their disease in a first date though I'm like, can you save this for like... Well, it's like, if you tell me you have that one, which ones aren't you telling me about? Yeah. Yeah. Whatever.

Because my boy has like some weird thing. I shouldn't talk about this. Yeah, what are we talking about? You can't just see that. Now, he has like a thing where it's like a... I forget what it's called, but like he tells girls like on the first... I'm like, ah, to tell him like... Is it an STD?

No, no, not at all. He's called him... He's a sex offender? He's a guy's weird thing where... He was like, yeah, basically I have to like, you have to sign this form and I have to give it to my parole officer that you willingly came home with me. Was pedophilia a disease? It's a philosophy, really.

Well, in ancient Greece, you know. Yeah, that's so funny because my girlfriend was trying to tell me, she's like, oh, the Bible, she's like, which I've read before it, like, when I was a kid, I'm sure my dad took out some parts, but she's like, it actually wasn't against gay sex. It was against people having sex of children. I was like, there's no way it was against people having sex children because it was totally accepted until, like, a hundred definition of the word.

years ago. Wait, define child. I'm saying that was something. That lines moved. Yeah. Oh my God. It's so funny because that was something that was accept. It's definitely one of the worst.

Fucking Jews, they're like the bat mitzvvvah bar mitzvvv thing. Like a Jewish kid becomes a man when he's 13. A Jewish girl becomes a woman when she's 12. You want to tell me 4,000 years ago, that chick when she turns 12 isn't getting married. So the Jews invented TikTok. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. She was like, I don't know. I'm like, no. There's no way. I was like pedophilia was. First off, it's one of the worst things we've decided as a culture. And that's new. Yeah, it's so new.

That's in the, yo, okay, fucking, okay, I was at the person's house last night. And these, like, two girls that were like, very woke. You're like, I'm just so pretend I didn't. It is new, right? I'm just hearing about it. Like, like, fucking Elvis. Oh, yeah. She moved in with him when she was, like, 14.

Yeah, moved into his house. They got married when she was, like, 16, 17. Yeah, it's bizarre. Yeah, and that one was public. Then you have all, like, David Bowie used to rape 14-year-old girls, Robert Plans. used to rape 14 year old girls like molest. Why I guess if we had sex to them I guess it was child was a child rape.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's it, that's like beyond stags where. That's child molestation, I think, because that's not even the point I was trying to make. I'm trying to make is that like, all the rock stars, in like, in the 50s. They all fucked groupies. Elvis Presley started dating a 14 year old girl. Yeah. And everyone was cool with that.

Yeah, absolutely. That wasn't a secret. That was public knowledge. Her parents knew because she fucking moved in with them. Everyone in the high school knew. Her teacher is fucking new. Yeah. Rock stars don't get canceled.

It's weird. It's so true. The only Molly crude did some shady shit. Oh, definitely. Well, Marilyn Manson's just getting canceled. Exactly. But it's like, what do you do? I don't know for sure.

People are, he's accused to like rape and like domestic abuse. But then a lot of people are bothered about his Nazi stuff. But his Nazi stuff is like weird. It's kind of like he has like M's that like he's always been that like, you know how he's like a performance artist where like they do things like he has like. But if you look at his music videos, he has. he's a music video is where he's wearing like a Nazi helmet, but it's like his name. You know,

like when people take Confederate flags and write gay pride on it. It's like, yeah. Like you take hate and you kind of make it your own. Yeah, something like that. But he's not Jewish, so it's kind of a weird thing. Right.

But that and then also the, the rape. Okay. A lot of gray lines and then actual rape. That's my favorite with a bass actor who's this like DJ, he got in trouble.

Somebody's like, he had sex with me when I was 14, all this stuff, blah, blah, blah. And he's a communist. I was like, well, I don't really care about it's political views. It's weird because that almost takes away from the right. It almost just, you know,

credits it is a little bit. It's like, what are you trying to get? Nah, but that's, yeah. What were you saying about, uh, well, Maryland's, yeah, so I don't know. Apparently he was like zapping her with like a taser too, but like it's weird because like that guy does probably do weird sex. Well, it's like, is that fucking like,

are you signed up for that? Where he's like, that's the way. Here's my thing, though. If it's, if you call it the rape room and you tell the girl this is the rape room, is that rape? told you. Right. That is tough. There's also like the fucking, like the army hammer shit, people are getting so upset? It's like, are these girls cool with that? Because if they're cool with that, then what is the problem? These people made me feel so much better. I'm in like some

weird shit. I'm like, thank God. I'm not into anything. I used to think I was kinky. And then I like started talking to people about the things they do. And I'm like, there are entire rooms in this house that I don't know what they're about. Yeah, I'm girls to rise sometimes. She complains. She's like, like, joke me more. Let's go. You ever, like, talk to be a girl? I don't know. You need to drink those white clothes. You're having trouble getting out.

You got to explain to your girl that, like, guys are scumbags sometimes. It's, like, almost trying to explain, like, that Ninal lives an inside job. You're like, no, no, no, no, guys, I hate to tell you. Guys are kind of scumbed. Like, they don't get it sometimes. Like, they get, like, you know, I'm like, hate to tell. And then they go, wait, what about you? What about you?

And it? Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy. These are other guys. Because at first time we hung out. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, this is there. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's tough.

Yeah. The Army Hammer thing. Wait, so what did you? I didn't hear about, I don't know what this is. You didn't hear about that? You haven't heard about this? I hear bits about it, but I don't know. I've seen this.

I've heard about this. Yeah. Fucking, all right. So a bunch of text messages of his text message conversations, Instagram, I message, whatever. They were leaked like a month ago. Right. And they were really graphic messages between him and just various women. You should read them because a lot of them are pretty funny.

But they're like, he's like, I want to cut. No. To my knowledge, all of them were of age. But he's like, I want to cut your toe off and keep it in my pocket. So I have a piece of you with me forever. Okay. Just like shit like that. I want to eat some of your skin.

I want to drink your blood. I want to like, really of a sexual nature. But like all the messages back to him are girls being like, I want to be your slave. I want to call you my daddy. And so everybody gets so angry at Army Hammer because like you're saying all this shit. It's so fucked up. Why is he doing this on Instagram? What a risk?

How that's why? I mean, all of it. What are you going to fucking email it? Like what? What? What's that? Dude, yeah,

but somebody can record you. If somebody wants to record you, they can record you no matter what, you know what I mean? He goes, oh my God, this is weird.

A lot of them, they get really funny until you get uncomfortable reading them. If I want to cut off one of your toes and keep it with me, my pocket,

so I always had a piece of view. Right. He's poetic. He's poetically talk. He's not trying to hack. It makes me confused as to why. Is that even possible?

So hard, thinking of holding your heart in my hands and controlling it. Dude, that's like the Indiana Jones. thing. Right. Yeah.

Look, Billy Bob, and Angel and Jolie did it, but how do they do? They were like carry each other's blood in their,

like in a necklace. Oh, my God. Back in the day, like Billy Bob and Anthony Jolie. Angelina Jolie. It is weird that when he says,

I'm 100% a cannibal. It's like, it's very hard to refute that. Yeah. So, Your Honor, my client meant 100% in the way that sometimes you can give

110%. Like when girls say literally, like he's not completely a cannibal. Yeah. He's like, I have won 100% a cannibal. There's no, like, he's just kind of like a kick. No, I've won't understand. Dude, he's probably eaten people before.

Not like a dead, like, but you have pieces of people. Yeah, but my thing is it's, I don't know. Did he get caught doing anything? Like, actually. Nothing illegal. No. So, fuck that. Yeah, but people are angry at him.

Yeah. Yo, you know what I was saying would be so fucking funny. I remember who I didn't watch the. What's his profile picture here? Oh my God. That's hilarious. His profile pictures him wearing funny sunglasses. Look at that.

Look at that. You can see him. He's wearing it. You got to lean in. Why can't you make those bigger? It's annoying, right? Yeah. You should be able to click on somebody's profile picture.

It's always a chick's hottest pick, too. Make it, yeah. It's my hottest pick. I know. Dude, that is too far. So keep. Yeah, because I guess he hasn't technically committed a, like, you know what I mean? It's fucked my knowledge.

He hasn't done anything illegal. People are just angry about it. What if he's just goofing around? I'm not saying. Even if he's fucking not. Exactly. He's not, like, bothering people. They're down for it.

All the messages back are like, they're saying, like, tell me more. It's like, they're fucking into it. Tell me more. Tell me. Yeah. Can I taste your flesh? Will you lock me in your car? Yeah. That's weird. But that's kind of suck because you could love somebody so much and then you eat them. And you're like,

well, that was. Isn't it anything? Right. Can't say you're accountable anymore? Like, yeah. What if you never did it? Like, you know, I got to say, was kind of more into you when you had arm, two legs. He's like, I don't really. I'm not trying to be able this, but I'm just not into this.

Damn. Do you think he's into, like, stem cell stuff maybe? Because he, like, can regrow arms and girls, I don't know. Yeah, he's a rapper, right? Army. No, he's like an actor. No, he's an actor. Army hammer.

Army hammer. Yeah, it sounds like a weird name to me. Yeah. It's an autistic rapper. Damn. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about all that. Cannibals.

Still, I'm 100%. That's one. that's been a no-no, like, for all... Like, a lot of things we're saying, like, pedophilia, that's probably been wrong for all of human history, but the line has shifted over time. Like, what is considered a child? But cannibalism has been a no-no, like, forever.

Yeah, you just don't eat people. Yeah, that's a crime against humanity. But it's like, at what level? Because if you just like eating girls, like... Because technically, if you... Why can't you eat dead people, though? Right. What if someone died? Victimless crime.

Right. Yeah, maybe... Can you fuck a dead kid? Necrophilia. Right. Yeah. Maybe not a dead kid, but like, if you're, if you wake up, I think this would be illegal. If you, you have a girlfriend.

Yeah. You live together? No, but I'm like, you live with your girlfriend. If you wake up tomorrow and your girlfriend's dead, like in the bed, I think it's illegal if you have sex with her body. But why? Because she didn't consent to it before. Does she have to consent every single time you have sex?

I know that sounds. Yes, my girlfriend was passed out. I would not fuck her. But okay. So how, you've been dating your girlfriend for? Four years, right? Or half years, yeah. You're not drinking this month.

Right. If your girlfriend comes home drunk tonight and wants to have sex with you. Right. It depends the level of drunkenness. But even if she's wasted drunk, you live together. You've been dating for four years. It's like obviously there is an implied consent. If she dies while you're fucking her.

Do you not? Yeah. And you just finish. Somebody had some joke about that. If you fuck Rihanna, well, that it was some dumb thing. But, yeah, well, but I still don't fuck her. She's super. Like, I don't think it's necessary.

I don't know where the line is. What if she said, fuck my brains is? out and then you fucked her brains out. She died. I don't know. I don't know what I mean? Because if she could send it before she says, if I ever die, you can fuck me when I'm dead, then I don't think it should be legal to fuck her. I think it's a conversation everybody should go. Well, my girl one time said, you can rape me whenever you want. So I'm like, even after we break up, right? Is that what that? I don't know. He said, whenever you want. You got me or anyone who even a little bit looks like me. I turned to a lawyer real quick.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That's true. That's interesting. Yeah, I don't think you can do that, yeah but who would catch you but they can do an autopsy right and they would know we had sex right before she died yeah yeah she didn't get up to but I don't know I think they can tell it because the pussy wouldn't be wet it's like they can tell when someone gets raped they do rape kid yeah whoever's listening to this

is blowing their brains out right right now's talking about having sex of dead bodies for like five straight minutes how long do you think it's still like not gross for I think it's gross when they die well it's like yeah do you think it's not gross to have sex with somebody who's in a very deep sleep.

Yeah. No, I don't know. Yeah. Now we're talking about, yeah, no, passed out's not. That's gross. Yeah. Against that.

Sure. Yeah. You know, like, you know, dudes get rapy and like, why are you winking? No, I'm just kidding.

What? Once the girls do, I'm like, no, we're good. All right. We get it. We're not rapists. Anyway.

Don't worry. We have disclosure at the beginning where we. You say we're not rapists? Yeah. Every episode. Yeah. Always good to cross your teeth and dot your eyes. Sure that.

True that. Yeah. But retards, they're on the table. They're still alive. On the table. They're alive. I mean, not mentally dead. They're of age.

Maybe you give them a buffer. Like, they can't be 18. They have to be like 26. Well, that's a tough part because, yeah, because like, if they have the intelligence of a 10-year-old, at what point is that not molesting a child? Do they have the intelligence of a 10-year-old forever? I'm going to look at the max. Are they, like, 68?

Like, can they be getting social security benefits and have the intelligence of a 10-year-old? Yeah, I think so. So, like, mentally challenged is such an umbrella. Like, there's so much that falls under there. Yeah, because I never thought of autistic people as mentally challenged. But then I also realized a lot of people with autism also have other things. So a lot of those people also have autism. Right.

So people that have other forms of, because autism isn't necessarily an intelligence issue. Because intellectually challenge is the best way to put it. Like, that's like the thing you're supposed to say intellectually challenge. Yeah, but I also could mean you're a fucking moron if you're intellectually challenged. Yeah. So it says. That's like you can't do it. crossword puzzle.

IQ age. I read somewhere it was like, um, so, yeah, the average IQ of a young adult with Down syndrome is 50 equivalent to the mental IQ of an 80,

eight or nine year old. Yeah. So the way they do that intelligence IQ is like 100 is average. They like, they change that metric all the time. So it's like if the three of us took an IQ test, whatever our average score is, like they'd be like, okay, well, that's a hundred.

And so if you're below that, you're below average intelligence. And if you're above that, you're above average intelligence. But 100 is the benchmark. Right. Yeah, I know an average. Yeah. So it's like if you get a bunch of numbers together and you divide them by the number of people involved, that's an average. So you think I'll be the lowest.

Wait, so my question is, but I'm looking right at me. It said, I'm not going to check my IQ because I'm dumb as fuck. I just know I'm not going to be high. Yeah, but you'd score around 100. That's the idea. But it says it says it's the average of an average of an eight or nine year old. Yeah, but I don't think IQ is, they might do it weighted for age, but if you're saying that like a 25-year-old person has an IQ.

No, I think an adult is 100, an average for an adult. Yeah, I think that's the only way you can really measure it. Because that's like, you have so much, like IQ is made, it's a measure of intelligence. It's not like facts, do you know? It's the way your brain processes information, right? It's logic and reasoning and stuff like that. I think. I don't think I've ever taken one of the tests.

I mean, they could be some. Right. No, I've seen some macro-y-roney. It's pretty good. They're doing some sexy cannibal fucking dirty. dirty talk, yeah. Yeah, I don't know if I would say, he wasn't very creative with it. He's just saying, I'm 100%.

She's like, I don't believe you. She's like, I swear, she's like, you gotta be like 98. He's like, no, I'm... Yeah, 100% of the cannibal. That's wild. But what was I saying? Yeah, so like, but I don't know then where the line's drawn, whether you should be allowed to have sex

to somebody with Down syndrome if they're like 40. I don't know. Like, it seems kind of fucked up. Because if they have the intelligence of a nine-year-old, I'd love to follow that court case, though. Yeah. That's, well, because it's like... Dude, if that's what these, like, Senate hearings were about right now instead of the fucking capital.

I would totally... Mangloid versus the brus. You think about it, it's like the reason you... And they're just like showing diagrams anatomically 43 years old. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah, because that's the whole argument against, like, the reason you don't have sex with... It's not because they're not developed because you can't make that argument.

They're like, oh, their body's developed. Who cares they have the brain of a 15-year-old? You know what I mean? It's like, no, the fact that's fucked up is because their brains are 15-year-old. Right. True. But I guess also life experience plays into it. Yeah, that's a funny argument.

But, like, yeah, when you get accused of having sex with the teenagers, nobody's going to tell you she wasn't hot. She was very advanced for her age. Right. Yeah, she was wearing makeup the whole time. Chicks a genius. But guys, all joking aside, where do we stand on this? Because I don't, I don't know.

Which the law? I don't know. Well, and then here's the, what type of retarded person are you going to have sex with? Well, we're saying. So you have to give every bitch specifically down. I think it's a little. Right. If you can have sex with them.

Or if they just seem like they're smarter than you. I think it's funny. If they're fucking me, they're dumb and shit. exactly. I think I've already been there, yeah. I don't know. I don't know what the law is. It's interesting. Yeah. What do I stand on it? I don't know, man.

So you hear that Eli did it. Yeah. Well, that's what we're a question. Would you like, give your friend a lot of shit? You did do it, right? I might have. Oh. You know, a lot of people have been in there. I didn't give, you know, IQ tests to all of them.

Exactly. But it's like, if you found out your friend, like, good friend of yours, like, you meet up with them next day. He's like, yo, I went home with this chick last night and then, like, shows you a picture of her. And just got, like, like an underbite and like the slanted eyes and you're like that chick has down syndrome and you're like what i guess she was a little slow would you give him shit for that oh it's just gross i'd give him shit for sure yeah how would he not know but i don't know if i would be like hammered i'm not sure you necessarily notice yeah no what if he was like no she was hammered but i was totally so

oh but he just thought she was hammered yeah no he like got her drunk and then took advantage of a girl with downson then that's horrible if you knew she had down syndrome right purposely got her drunk. Shots. We need some shots. That's like horrific. Do you really need shots for a retarded girl? Yeah, you can't take that down.

Well, isn't all drunk sex considered like raped legally? Yeah, but I think that's a next level. Which is kind of crazy. When I was in college, I was dating this girl for like a year and a half. And she, I wasn't drinking at the time. And she came back to the dorms drunk

and we had sex. And then like hour or two later, I was like hanging out with some guy I like didn't really know that well And he gave me shit for it And he's like you raped her I was like she's been my girlfriend for a year and a half And she came home drunk

What are you fucking talking about? Yeah that's like a weird level Yeah He tried and he fell Yeah exactly he's jealous Yeah yeah that's a weird level Because like obviously like my girlfriend was crawling on the ground I had no idea what she was doing

I'd be like all right Yeah she's fucking like pukeing all over you Yeah A little unethical But yeah there is different line When you're dating somebody obviously Yeah But the rule is like if you've been drinking

Then it's technically right that's what I've heard. I don't believe it. I think the rule is that you could prosecute it that way, but it's not always like, it's not like the police just see that she was drunk and that happy, like, this is rape. I think it's like there's,

they can make that argument that they were intoxicated. But I'm gonna end that here. Okay. I just, I gotta go out to Long Island. Where can they find you, Eli? Eli underscore Habba. Instagram.

Sweet. Mahoney comedy on Instagram and, I don't know, whatever, TikTok again at this point. All right. Thank you for listening. I'm really thanking you for listen to this one because there was a lot of moments in there that I would have probably thrown up in my own mouth. So thank you for that. I'll see you.